#and im not in a place where i can spiral

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

so im at a 3 for 3 for near panic attacks every time ive had to go to a job centre so if they could stop making me come in every week, thatd be great

#personal #universal credit #job centre #uk politics #i genuinely dont remember getting from the job centre to the train station #and i have no idea why i chose the train station as my destination #i just needed to get away from that fucking place #i hate it so much #its so inaccessible #and their systems are such bullshit #sorry you cant confirm that im paying rent because i have a housemate and you only know the combined rent #even though ive uploaded my fucking tenancy agreement seven times #and my individual rent is on the agreement #im sorry you cant fucking read but i have a fucking anxiety disorder and every single message from you nearly sends me into a panic attack #im this close to spiraling #and im not in a place where i can spiral #because if i spiral im spiraling into suicidal thoughts #i barely got out alive last spiral three months ago

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that? #because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought #i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy #its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere #bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like #normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes #possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my #reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it #i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything #in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place #i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass #i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired #god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or #read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill #so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating #its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage #bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it 💪 #i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn #unrelated

[gothmods]

More and more i feel like taking a hardline stance that unless there is reasonable evidence a user is a danger to others i will simply block/unfollow/avoid and generally deal with things privately wherever possible is best for everyones safety my own included

#not about recent events as such im just generally thinking about how easy it is for shit to be weaponised as a means of public humiliation #but also i think the best thing for me mentally is to avoid certain topics in any context #the ways in which people call out certain things are just as stressful as the thing itself because ultimately the impact is the same #<- the impact being it stirs up a lot of stress and dread and puts me in a place where im a lot more prone to thoughtspiralling #some things i can really only handle in very careful conversations #and idk i think i need to be more serious about preventing myself from getting to that point where i am more vulnerable to spiralling #this is very vague because i genuinely really struggle to even name the specific things that trigger me #to be clear though this isnt about bigotry or general cruelty

[stonerzelda]

Oh god i think i wanna be a streamer. I want to have fun for wonce in my got dam lyfe

#unfortunately it just would not be possible and has not been possible for the last . my entire life #i have never had a personal computer or any of the technology + know how to make it work #plus i dont even have a space i could do it in. there is literally not a single room where i live where it could be feasible #me and ben need our own place so bad. so bad so bad so bad so bad SO BAD. #literally its the only reason im going to school. so i can make money. so we can gtfo #my entire 20s has been wasted already lawl i am spiraling SO hard rn at 230am #😔😔😔its gonna be okay...

[ironmanstan]

the dichotomy of man (need to get out of this fuckin house but if i go then i can not see my cats)

#JUST realized this and now i want to kill and explode and throw up #WHAT THE HELL WILL I DO . WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO ABOUT MY FISH ok i can probably take the fish with me #but MAN #thats such a FUCKING HASSLE #ill just stay here this is fine <- tormented by the horrors. ball and chained to familiarity #the gamer speaks uwu #guy who is terminally stressed and sick about change but desperately needs it to live a life #oooo i need to be in a hamster ball everything new can just be out of arms reach and i will be safe and contained forever #no more new experiences and life changes ill cry we should all just die actually so i never have to break out of my shell #sometimes im like im therapized i dont need to go to therapy i am sooo normal and then i say shit like all that n im like nvm #the desperately averse to change braincell is funny like is it the autism. is it the ptsd. probably both #bc i sure did like have a moment of like i should just drop out of school all of this is too much i cant do it anymore #wired in juuust the right way where i can live so much better than i ever have but itll stress me out enough where i still feel the urge #to throw it all away bc it is strange and weird. and then i have to resist that urge constantly bc ill be fully like cidal again if i do th #its so weird actually. oh u have friends? u take meds? u have irls now? strange and unfamiliar and scary get rid of it all <- the insanity #anyway sucks how there isnt a word i can use in place of men/women when im like 'women will x' but for being nonbinary #nonbinary mfs doesnt hit the same . enbies doesnt hit the same either #nonbinaries b like i am free from the horrors and then go down a whole spiral at the very thought of moving out of their nightmare house #vent #i guess oops what did this turn into

[mejomonster]

Ridiculously depressed but I am running ragged (which is surely worsening the depression ToT) so like the idea of weekly therapy to further exhaust me and trigger the anxiety more doesn't sound super compatible

#rant #like. i havent eaten in 6 days im fucking miserable amd on edge. my gi issues are FUCKED right now #so i cant eat and im desperate To eat asap so i really hope my gi issues improve soon jesus fucking christ #anyway... on top of that which... homestly on its own is enough to destroy me emotilnally and exhaust me.... #i also am intensely deptessed a friend has like 5 crushes 4 dating options #i looked up advice today! oh no the spiral! i am considering paying money for a matchmaking service just so i can hate myself more i guess #when even that fails. i havent had a crush in 5 years either. i had like 3 crushes BUT they were married or aro #so i stopped my crush. so basically no crush on available for relationships peolle in half a decade. k feel broken #i looked up how to develop crushes today. google amd youtube apparently think its so rare to Not crush that theres no fucking advice #and then on top of it i have regular run of the mill anxiety. where i disassociate if im in public or around strangers. #which helps Me cope and i Feel great. as in not scared. but it means i dont talk well to strangers. #i try to. but i barely know what im saying and i dont see anyone i see them vaguely then block it out. and thats how i handle public. #and if i can manage to be present i need enough of a crowd i can hide. and if i see an attractive person i look away #cause i turn red and cant breathe. and im chicken i guess. so ur supposed to LOCK EYES with hot strangers and stare. but i need to PRACTICE #and then i also need to practice just. MAKING myself go places that make my anxiety shoot up horribly #and just sit and make myself stare at random peoplr and touch my skin and make myself endure being present. #then i have to do the same thing in public places i Like (which makes me more anxioud and in the past often resulted in panic attacks then #suicide attempts and self harm during said pamic attacks) so im not like super hype to endure that #and id rather endure it WHEN MY HEALTH IS SOLID ENOUGH I CAN EAT #because currently? me hungty? me in immense pain? even non anxiety inducing situatilns are shooting my stress level through the roof. #spilling coffee right now is making me feel like dying. just cayse im hungry and exhausted. i want to work up to 1. gi tract DIGESTING FOOD #PLEASE GOD SOON. 2. my back doesnt hurt so bad so i can STAND in public #3 stand in a nonthreatening public place like a bookstore or grocery store and stare at people #4 stand in nonthreatening place and stare at Hot people #5 attempt to enter a place in public i LIKE A LOT like a local hobby club. attempt for an hour if needed #call it a win if i make it to the doorway befote the panic attack hits. 6 attempt again at least standing IN FRONT of building 5 minutes #7 attempt again and maybr peak in and use bathroom so i can leave if im scared. 8 attempt again to enter building and maybe finally join #event i want to join. 8 attempt looking people in the eyes and remaining present at Location i like. #9 attempt looking pretty people In The Eye. 10 attempt saying hi i like your X #11 attempt conversation (if i got through all prior steps). which. this anxiety work could take 3-4 months minimum

[fallowtail]

i try not to let it get to me but the knowledge i am always going to be The Stupid One in every situation i’m in just…really, really sucks. sigh. oh well. i stay silly :3c

#cant even blame it on being audhd because everyone else i know who is #is smart and talented and their brains work alright 😭 i'm just stupid and incapable #i feel like i’m the only person out there who does not get to experience any of the benefits or joys of these things #for me it is nothing but brain damage and endless suffering with no brightside or intelligence or anything #but then everyone tells me i’m the bad guy because if there was a magic button that would make me not audhd i would click it immediately #like why am i wrong for not wanting to suffer #everyone else seems to have a special interest or a fixation and they can remember information about those things but i...dont. i can't. LO #i do not experience the autistic joy everyone else talks about. i dont have the adhd focusing on what you like superpowers or whatever #my autism made me barely pass highschool and i couldnt handle community college and i had to drop out and i can barely handle having #an entry level job that everyone patronizes me about #i'm barely verbal and i am losing my ability to function to brainfog and everyone around me treats me like i'm their little pet idiot #but wanting to change that about myself makes me evil and bad or something i guess #sorry to whine on tumblr like the good old days but twitter is sick of my shit LOL 😭 #pmdd making me spiral worse than usual #one of those times where i'm realizing that if everyone else experiences these things totally different from me than maybe that was never #what was wrong with me in the first place lol. maybe i dont have an explanation and i'm back to being 10 15 19 24 sobbing wondering why im #like this. why i'm so stupid. not even in a self hating way in a legitimately proven way that i am functioning below average intelligence. #ok im done sorryyyyy god i forgot how good tumblr is to vent on #z

[cyphyra]

-to a random tune- a chuuuuunk of plaque broke off one of my teeth n i dunno if that's good or not. im gonna be cautiously optimistic that it's just because ive been taking excellent care of my teeth lately bc i cant fuckin afford a dentist rn~

#cyspeaks #idk what tune this'd be to but i feel like im going insane #can we please go like 2 days without something happening to my own body my house or my dog #idek if ill be able to focus on enjoying TotK once it drops if im gonna be worrying abt losing teeth or w/e else is going on #its one of those days where im just fantasizing abt having a sugar mommy/daddy who will just pay for shit for me cause i just cannot rn #not like any place is willing to hire me or anything either #god. im spiraling so im just gonna go to bed. hopefully ill feel better abt things in the morning #no way to know if its bad rn so no use dwelling on it or w/e

[gxlden-angels]

the only person who was actually right about the world and human nature was Max striner everyone else is a fucking moron

Striner? I hardly know 'er!

Anyways, I'm not a philosophy expert. I'm just some guy. I like the egoist belief that there isn't a universal moral truth. I like the absurdist belief that, because nothing matters, we should be radically sincere. I like the christian belief in a place without suffering after this life. I like the Universal Random Number Generator idea my therapist and I talk about

All of them have their flaws though. Egoism gets used to condemn social movements and civil rights advocacy. Absurdism and the RNG can create a sense of existential dread and a loss of motivation. Christianity encourages the loss of identity and free will

I'm just some psych student with a weird ass therapist that understands my weird ass brain. He encouraged me to look into absurdism since I took a class on absurdist literature my freshman year of college and he said I might enjoy looking into the actual philosophy. And I do! At least a lot of it! I like the idea of a chaotic universe and us humans trying our best to control it. I like the idea of letting that go and living authentically instead of with a direct purpose. There's chaos and mayhem and entropy and I'm just here to react to it. And I can react in ways that makes others happier if I wanted just because I can

Egoism/egotism feels too disconnected from the human need to connect to me. It traps me into that feeling that doing something good for someone is selfish if you're doing it to feel good. I'm actively working to get out of that spiral Christianity put me in now

I don't know, though, anon. I'm just some college student with an ex-christian tumblr blog and a lot of trauma. I like to believe there's some Universe-sized Abstract Computer with a random number generator that causes the chaos we call home. I skim wiki pages and reddit posts and decided if I want to engage any further/look for textbooks. I could possibly be looking at the wrong page about the wrong philosophy. I'm honestly just on this earthly plane for the bit

#if y'all are into philosophy I encourage y'all to look into it still just because it's interesting #As I understand it egoism/egotism is the belief that you only control one's own actions and awareness #and that all actions done by one's self is meant to benefit their own well-being #For me it sends me into a guilt spiral of worrying I'm not a good person because I feel good making others happy #because that would be selfish and that would make me bad actually #all of which I know if black and white thinking and we're all a little selfish sometimes. it's good for us #Im just not at a place where I can really dive into that #Im a fan of absurdism because of my commitment to the bit #It's essentially the idea that the universe is chaotic and life doesn't matter/there's no purpose to life #And you can respond by finding a higher power/religion/purpose. endgame. or live life pushing against the chaos #Modern absurdism gives further options but I haven't quite learned enough to fully explain them yet #And given the nature of my blog I obviously didn't like religion nor am I secretly a ghost #So I like the idea of having no actual purpose I have to follow (like being christ like) #but this belief is also not for everyone. it's known to cause existential dread and crises #I loved absurdist literature though. My favorite is Beckett's plays they're so fuckin funny in a dark way #I love finding humor and committing to the bit in times of stress. That's essentially what this blog is lol #also there's 750 of y'all now that's fucking wild #anyways I hope y'all enjoyed my ramblings about philosophy since it's been a bit of a growing hyperfixation lol #don't take this as a conversion attempt I actively am saying don't look into these things unless you enjoy philosophy #If y'all really like my absurdism rambles tho I'll write more about it but only if y'all ask. i'm not tryna influence y'all lol #ex christian #religious trauma #ask tag

[thatwasntlikeridingabikeuasshole]

what i fucking hate about anxiety is that you can just have a random anxiety attack just! whenever!!!!! and then bad timing and BAM UR ENTIRE LIFES RUINED cuz now whenever ur slightly worried when before ppl wouldve been like "bro just chill out" now theyre like genuinely concerned abt u and I HATE IT SO MUCH LIKE I GENUINELY JUST WANNA PUNCH PPL IRL WHEN THEY ACT CONCERNED ABT ME especially when im having NORMAL CONCERNS abt a situation and people treat it like im gonna go off into a panic attack any second. why because ONE TIME i just randomly started like shaking and my chest got all weirdly tight and shit and it wasnt even like i was anxious at that moment and the whole time i was like "guys im chill i think i just have like too much sunburn or smth" and everyone was like "oh no hon ur having a panic attack :(" which yeah but everyone can just shut the fuck up bc i was saying out loud that i was fine and laughing it off and the entire time did not lose my goddamn composure and i think i should have the chance for literally any dignity in that respect like goddammit now i cant be like a normal anxious high school student anymore i have to be a concerning anxious high school student and i hate it so much i just i dont know what to do cuz im leaving all my best friends irl on read and i want to be able to talk to them without them getting irrationally worked up whenever im having my usual typical high schooler energy and i just right now i honestly dont want to talk to any of them ever again and i know i dont really feel that way like obviously i love them all but if they dont stop overreacting were gonna have some serious fucking problems

#tw vent #sorry guys i just its just #like i dont know what else to do tumblr is the only goddamn place where i can be an unhinged mess sometimes for actual real which not even #the goddamn panic attack was like that was not me being actually unhinged and concerning #compared with like i act way more worrying on this website a lot of times and nobody fucking is weird aboutit #like i can have a full on spiral of crippling anxiety complete with a real life actual anxiety panic attack for a real reason and #post about it on tumblr dot com in real time and people will just be like 'bro r u ok lol' and it is so much more comforting #ppl never bring it up unless i explicitly say im not ok can i talk to someone #ppl respect ur shit so much more online tbh #BUT LIKE PPL R JUST CHILL #GOD IT MAKES ME ANXIOUS AND SO FUCKING ANGRY WHEN PPL ARENT CHILL AND ITS ABT ME #like mind ur own goddamn business

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol #except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade #plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me #god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set #looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u #the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno? #it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control #executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont #wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral #sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive #lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not #forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho #my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly #need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im #dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter #what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by #my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything #interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to #fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i #described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that #idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean #ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said #she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the #parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the #disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage #but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain #just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked #unrelated

[katbrando]

being an artist is so fun it’s always a good time and never hard at all!!!!

#i hit this point in my last fandom where i stopped getting much of a response when i posted any art.. #and i feeeeeel like that's happening again hfdkjshg #i can only assume its because i draw the same character over and over and over again and like . what else can be said #just makes me wanna not share anything at all in order to save myself the shame i feel when no one says anything #last time i got really in my head about it and that's where the burnout started bc i was trying to create constantly #bc i wanted a reponse literally ANY response just SOME attention and i would do anything for it #i DO NOT want to do that again !!!!! i draw for an audience of one and hat is Me so i should not be bothered if others have nothing to say #but it is still sooooooo hard oh my god it's Hard it's such a deep pit #like i posted si art and immediately deleted it bc i felt like i was annoying literally everybody around me #and then like two hours later i was like 'bitch who cares' but i had already deleted it so it felt too awkward to post again #my brain is such a bad place to be fhdskjgs.. can i create without it constantly ridiculing me #'you're an artist? fine post something prove it. oh you're posting art? wow you're annoying' leave me alone oh my god #hate that i feel like i have to have my existence validated 24/7.. half my identity is 'im an artist' #so if i'm not receiving attention related to that then i start to question my existence and i spiral so badly #definitely something to talk abt next time i go to therapy bc i refuse to let this anxiety destroy my love of art again

[ouchhq]

big venting ahead :-{

#depression tw!! #sh tw!! #the last few days have been some of the hardest ive had in a long time #i feel like i always say this but it feels true every time tbh…. #i feel like my brain is collapsing on itself… #just . very very bad thoughts and my head kinda going crazy and i guess partially acting on those thoughts #which is very very depressing tbh. i feel like im not gonna make it #ive been somewhat paralyzed these days. 80% of the time im awake i cant move. i have some moments when i can like get up and eat something #or something like that but other than that i spent all day yesterday sitting at my desk literally staring at the wall #because even moving a finger seemed like an impossible task to complete #and then last night i started spiraling and for the first time in a long time i could picture the worst possible thing i could do actually #happening #so i just cried. and cried. and i got in bed because that is the only place where i feel somewhat safe. from everything else but mostly #myself… #it doesnt help that no one cares #i was supposed to meet my friends to but #buy* stuff to cook for new years eve today but i texted them that i was having a crisis and i didnt think id be able go get up and go today #and it was implied and i also said that i was struggling but there was no response to that #there was barely any response at all #and this happened time and time again and when i tell my therapist shes always like #why dont u tell them? why dont u tell them that this behavior hurts u #and i just cant bring myself to do it. like i cant fathom hearing a close friend telling me that they’re struggling with depression and not #saying anything in response. #and i wonder maybe theres something about me where people just dont give a shit if i live or die basically #and i cant force someone to care about it thats why i dont say anything. but it sure as hell hurts #anyways.. i hooe today wont be as bad as yesterday

[29121996]

.

#realising today that like . all of This makes me uncomfy bc ive been in a similar position before #2yrs ago and . theres a potentual it could turn out the same way it did last time #and i sont think it will #i dont want it to and i rdguse to ljke go down that path and spiral. but. #anyway my therapist making me actuvely look at my past trauma and dig through memories is so fucking . infuriating even tho ik its the point #like shes not just a soundboars for me to bounxe my thoughts off (which is what 70% of my sessions are tbh) #like its 70% me bitching abt smth and then maybe 10% her Correcting me and 20% trauma Digging and opening uo wounds i still have #anyway. this is so fucked i want to fix it - partly bc i do l*ve h*m and partly bc im such a fucking . #i will not let things Go until im batteres ans bruised in every shape and form #and i hate that this means . dragging him along with it #even tho he has freewill and can iterally just Leave me if he wanted to. #im bitter and uncomfortable and feeling unwanted bc this is just a state of . Confusion and instability #until ive got Answers and until hes . at a level where hes not so pissed at me hes blinded by hurt n rage :/ #and logically i should . just leave :( bc as much as i wanna be all *im so gonna do better and get better!!!!! nothing will ever happen* #i have Patterns that are a bitch to break. #trying not to be angrt and act like a xhild is Not my strong point either #my 1st instinct when im hurt is to act like a child and be childish and lash out whicb obviously gets me nowhere half the time. #and i also dont know if this arrangement we have rn . i dont know how to go abt it lime tjeres so mhch uncertainty #and i know it couls just be easily fixed if i communicated and asked questions and got boundaries in place #but im terrified to get yelled at or met with dry answers and no useful info. #im gonna give it an hour and then . see what i can do i need to mull itnover #switched my thinking from spiralling and overthinking to *what the fuck can i do abt it thats positive* #and OH BOY is that a hard thing to be constsntly aware of :( #getting better is so fucking hard i do . get why people just stay sick and mentslly ill and dont do the hard work. bc it is exhausting #i burned myself out and reached a boiling point bc i was doing it incorrectly the 1st time around apparently #i wasnt - but my efforts were NOT recognised and that felt kjke being slapped in the face tbh.

[heyfoureyes]

honestly should pay someone to follow me around with a spray bottle so they can discourage me from ever opening this app

#pchit pchit* #(thats the spray bottle noise lol) #i get in this loop of “oh #im sad! but i know a place where ppl are funny and can distract me from The Thoughts! #and then get hooked and spiral worse bc i stop living life and just cling to endless distractions - most of which are unhealthy on their own #ya'll seriously if i am on this app assume i am having a Bad Time #i dont know how the rest of you do it but this website destroys my mental health like nothing else #ANYWAY

[milo-is-rambling]

Has an emotion not discussed in 8 episodes of the midnight gospel and no longer knows what to do with myself

#guess I’ll just have to watch all of them and look for quotes that could relate to this #it’s like happy nostalgia but ready to move ahead like my bedroom walls are rearranged but the posters are all the same and it just makes me #so happy like :))) I carried a part of my past bedroom with me as I carry my past selves with me and that is beautiful and I am making way #for my future self to come into my skin and hold this version of me tenderly and I’ve come so far from the worst parts of my life it’s #incredible I’ve come so far and I’m finally happy and I think I’m in a place where I can add a job to my life and not immediately becoming #a spiraling depression anxiety suicidal mess like I have been in the past when one change to my life is made #like I think I’m ready to actually do this and work and not think about killing myself every day #like as depressing as that sounds that is huge for me #I know im just high and thinking about my own brain but like I really have done a lot to love myself and treat myself with kindness and it’s #fucking hard but I am really in a place where I love myself and I love my life and I feel I can continue and face challenges head on and #still he happy and it’s incredible