#and its happened a few times where I think im dreaming but its real life

[possiblytracker]

feeling normal (birthday in like 3 days that im not ready for) feeling normal (too artblocked and preoccupied to even think about finishing artfight and wrestling with guilt about it) feeling normal (-£600 in bank account) feeling normal (realised breaking my foot last year led to Lasting Consequences but cant see a physio abt my fucked up legs til january) feeling normal (has to learn to drive stick and the instructor is scary) feeling normal (stlil has no idea how to un-fuck social life after the great mental breakdown of april 2023) feeling normal (gross sobbing)

#'hows it going' yeah everything is happening so much its fine tho <2 #like im FINE im just. all over the goddamn place i need things to just settle down #i applied for a job thats like. actually the closest thing i can think of to my dream job. like. rare opportunity where i can suck up to th #employer as much as i want about the place having a huge impact on my life and mean every single word of it for real #(its at the bird park where i used to volunteer but this time doing flight displays animal training and education) #im slightly underqualified for it (no prior hands-on experience and no drivers license yet) so i might not even get the interview #so not getting my hopes up high yet #i can always volunteer there again on weekends while i work whatever retail gig will take me if i dont #but fuuuck it'd be nice. so so cool #'required qualifications: undergrad degree in fields related to animal behaviour' me rolling up with my shiny new Animal Behaviour BSc: #anyway. AUghrh #give things a few more weeks to shake out. ill be okay #having complicated feelings about one chapter of my life being over.. its a fucked up transitory period thats prolly gonna feel worse- #before it feels better #but ill settle into it soon especially once i get a job/my sister goes to college in september #....and i get the goddamn boxes out of my room so it feels more like a place i actually live again jgHJSDN #vent/ #its not Really but close enough

[dajo42]

long post about substance abuse and addiction

the thing about me is i was dependent on alcohol for a few years and refused to admit it to myself forever until one morning when something clicked and i stopped but for the past three years its been... difficult. like. i still have dreams where im drinking but justifying it to myself like "this one doesnt count". i hate them

but im sober!!! and thats amazing of me

the other thing about me is i was also smoking whenever i could for a few years but also stopped doing that because i recognised it was another unhealthy dependency and... yeah the dreams happen with that too. the buying a pack of cigarettes and being like well these dont count these are a treat or whatever

but i still dont!! and thats also good!!!!

a third thing about me is for a while i was reliant on self harm to process feelings and i stopped that over a decade ago now!!!! thats so amazing of me

but

the most important thing about me for the sake of this post is that throughout uni i also developed an addiction to painkillers and would take numerous different kinds in dosages way above the recommended numerous times a day and it took a life changing conversation with a best friend in a train station for me to realise how unhealthy it was and how it was affecting people who cared about me to see me basically destroying myself like that

and thats

still ongoing!! i havent drank i havent smoked but i have at numerous points relapsed into full painkiller addiction and it fucks me up and my family still think i went to the hospital for food poisoning this time in 2022 but in reality i had been regularly near fatally overdosing for weeks

and its not like i can cut them out entirely because. they are prescribed to me for chronic pain. like. theres this painful line between taking the right amount to function and... feeling like i have to take more because i cant function without them. its like having an addiction to fucking.... water. i need it to live but its so often hard to tell if thats a real thought or if i think i need way more than i actually do in order to live and i fucking drown because the metaphor is about water

and right now i feel like im on the edge of relapsing again!! recognisable feelings and behaviours are creeping in!! and i dont want that!!!!!!

so im just posting about it on the internet i guess? to get the thoughts out of my head? to vent? to hold myself accountabld by screaming into the void? to ask for advice or reassurance? for somebody to tell me gently but firmly not to take more meds than i should. i took my normal dosage today. taking more would be bad and i recognise that but. i dont know. i dont know if i can trust myself not to tonight without being directly told not to by somebody who cares

#substance abuse #alcohol cw #medication cw #self harm cw

[frenchfriedgiraffe]

dghda season 2 and childhood

this is adding on to this post i made a while ago. basically, i fully believe that the writers of this show set up the perfect opportunity to have the theme of s2 be about childhood, specifically exploring the effects of trauma (and escapism/maladaptive daydreaming). its already something that is featured or referenced to, however i think that there was a lot of potential for the show if they fully embraced the theme.

the biggest and most prominent example of the theme of childhood being present is in the character of francis (The Boy), who experiences severe childhood trauma and as a result creates a fantasy world that he can escape to. this world is full of stereotypes of a conventional children’s fantasy, with knights, a magic train, and even a crazy evil wizard guy. yet despite this, the world he created also contains elements from real life, specifically things that he found traumatic. francis witnesses his father get killed with a pair of scissors, and the main weapon used by the characters in wendimoor are a pair of giant scissors. also, in the house within the house, theres a copy of his kitchen, featuring the scissors and smashed flowerpot.

this is probably the most obvious display of the lasting effects of childhood trauma in a character, although there are a LOT more, though they are quite subtle.

dirk may be the second most obvious example of the presence of this theme. his very first scene in season 2 is set in blackwing, the organisation that took him and experimented on him as a child. blackwing is hinted to have abused him as a child, although we only see how they treat him as an adult. (there is a deleted scene of him when he was a child talking to the previous head of blackwing, meaning that there was a possibility we could have seen what it was like for him as a child too.)

however it is clear that he suffered trauma from his time at BW as a child, as many of his mannerisms throughout both season 1 and 2 mirror those of someone with c!ptsd. and having that trauma resurface in s2 also causes him to be more distant and get upset more frequently. (theres more but this is long enough already)

despite escaping blackwing early on in the season, dirk is obviously extremely shaken from his brief time back in there, and its pretty safe to say that the experience brought up a lot of bad memories. he is much more subdued throughout s2, and his previous optimism is rarely present, with his attitude towards the case being very different from s1.

like francis, there are a few tiny hints to escapism as a result of dirks trauma from blackwing (although im probably grasping at straws here). while in blackwing, he frequently dreams about being rescued by todd and farah. while being chased near the end of the season, dirk is lethargic and rather unresponsive, which could be some sort of dissociative state that he entered in order to escape from the reality of his situation.

while these are the most prominent examples where characters are shown to be effected by their childhood experiences, most of the other characters can be interpreted this way too.

farah is another good example, where she mentions the passing of her dad, and talks about how he wasnt a great father figure and caused her to often feel like a failure. she actually gets a resolution to this, with hobbs seeming to step in as her new father figure (yay!)

this was also something that seemed to be half set up for other characters. for example, todd and amanda having to learn to accept the changes in their relationship and amanda having to recontextualize her past. tinas frequent references to her struggles with addiction as well. farson and his whole family… thing. oh, and also like EVERY other blackwing subject. (more examples but again, this is a fucking long post)

essentially, the characters in this season struggle a lot, and a lot of this is because of things that happened (or possibly happened) because of their childhood experiences.

which leads me onto my next point (oh god, theres more!?) about the missed opportunity with this set up. many people agree that a lot of season 2 felt rather… aimless? while things were loosely connected, they definitely felt a lot less connected than in season 1. events happened and because there were plots happening in different DIMENSIONS, there was often very little overlap. having an underlying theme like this would have made each plot connect much more seamlessly, and it would have been a nice opportunity to further develop and explore some characters.

for example, throughout his journey in season 2, dirk could be seen recognising the parallels between the case and his own internal conflict. as he sees the destruction caused by francis’ powers, he could mirror the events with his own experiences and perhaps realise the effects of what pushing down trauma does. i think it would have been nice to see a conversation between dirk and francis about blackwing, ending with francis telling dirk he needs to learn to face the shit he went through and stop trying to ignore his trauma. this would have been a good way to connect their characters more as well.

it would have been a good opportunity to connect ALL the characters, especially if the show embraced the idea of escapism and pushed it further through wendimoor. as they got closer to solving the case, we could have seen them recognising their own flaws and looking back at their pasts.

and they wouldn’t have really had to make any super drastic changes, because theres already so much material for this theme to be introduced!!

tl;dr: s2 set up a lot of cool themes and the season would have been a lot more well-rounded if they embraced them more.

dont even get me started on the concept of good and bad…

#fucking hell thats a long post #thanks for reading if you made it to the end… if you didnt then tbh same #dghda #dirk gently #dghda meta #todd brotzman #idk what to tag this tbh #um #the consequences of experimenting on children??? idk #im so sorry if this is indecipherable im so bad at explaining my thoughts

[wrathful--artist]

The Caged Bird and Chased Mouse

Chapter 2: The Mouse Rests

HOLY HECK,,, lots of people seem to like this idea, i wasn’t expecting people to like it or want to be part of a taglist no less! Im still not a writer by trade,, im an artist so maybe,,, just maybe,,, ill draw some scenes if you ask politely (they;ll be sketches but hey if it helps you visualize then I’d be happy to help!) also If you want i can answer things if something’s unclear in the story *this is just me asking for asks tbh,, i need friends haha* anyways i’ma make this one longer to compensate for the shorter one last time.

No Warnings!

You were in a void of darkness, sitting down on the non-existent floor. You look around hoping you’d see something at least vaguely familiar to latch yourself to, but it was truly empty. You started to stand up to gain some bearings on where you were.

It felt like a dream, you thought, it had the same sort of fuzzy quality you’d feel when dreaming with nothing truly concrete. Or perhaps, it’s a worse, torturous nightmare than the one you just escaped, your traitorous brain supplied. You shook your head to make sure the thought didn’t linger for too long and started to wander in the void.

After a while of walking around aimlessly you started to think of your life before this whole fiasco, your comfortable bed with plenty of blankets, pillows and plushies. Your walls decorated with assorted posters and trinkets. Your windows that gave a clear view of your yard and the bird feeder you put to watch them come and go. Your plants outside that needed water regularly, making you one of the few Genshin players that touched grass nearly everyday.

You didn’t even realize you had closed your eyes. You opened them, expecting to see the void once again but…

It was your room. Your magnificent room. You could’ve cried at such a familiar and mundane sight.

You were about to fall into your bed but you noticed it was alright occupied by someone. It was the child that was trapped in the orb thing, she was here sitting in your bed looking at you expectantly. You sat next to her in the bed (damn, it also felt the same,) and stared back.

“…” The white-haired girl kept opening and closing her mouth as if she couldn’t think of what to say to you, “You seem so… Familiar to me. Do you know why?”

You were taken aback, but worried, was she also going to accuse you of being an imposter? You spoke after a bit “uhm, no, I’m sorry.”

“Oh. I was hoping you knew, it’s frustrating to not know something when its… uhm” She puts a finger to her chin in thought

“On the tip of your tongue?” You try and supply helpfully

“Yes! Hehe, I guess that was also ‘on the tip of my tounge’!” She giggles at what she thought of, you also laugh but mostly because of her enthusiasm. You both settle back into silence but a question was still bugging you in the back of your head;

“Why were you trapped in that… Orb thing,” You gesture a circle shape with your hands ”back in what I assume is the real world.”

“Ah, well I’m the Archon of Sumeru and-“ Your eyes widen at that but you decide to stay quiet, “I’m not fit to rule Sumeru, so I let the Sages run everything and because of that I’m not really meant to be outside of the Sanctuary so I’m stuck here.” Her head sags down when she finished speaking, making her look incredibly downtrodden

You tilt your head slightly to the side at mention of ‘Sages’, but decide to just ask simple questions since, well this has been the first character that has shown you friendliness towards you and you’d like to make a friend before they turn against you. “What’s your name? I’m sorry, i know I should’ve asked earlier but, I forget i guess. I’ll tell mine in return, its only fair.”

She lifts her head back up and gives a smile “That’s okay, I also should have asked. I’m Lesser Lord Kusanali but you can called me Nahida.” You tell her your name, your real one and not the one you used in the game, which seemed to be the name given to ‘The Creator’ from what you’ve gathered in your terrifying travels across Teyvat.

You yawn and lean back into bed, “I know this is a dream and yet I still feel tired, I wonder why that is.” Nahida looks at you while you lay down, as if she wants to do something.

“Do you want to.. cuddle Nahida?” You offer, unsure

Her eyes widen and she gives a shy slow nod to you. You open your arms as you lay on your side for her to come over. She hesitantly gets closer, almost nervous about it. Once she’s close enough you wrap your arms around her and pull her closer, she’s like a plushie shes so smol squish her, you thought as you started to drift into what felt like an even deeper sleep. Nahida’ s small arms wrapped around you waist and snuggled her head into your chest as you fell unconscious.

_________________________________________________________________________________

The Traveler felt… Lost. The force that seemed to guide them throughout Teyvat seemed to disappear, they no longer felt the warmth that the being dubbed ‘The Creator’ gifted them when they led their body to new areas and helped with everything. Paimon has been asking them what’s wrong and why they haven’t been traveling (or talking for that matter) as much as of late, because Paimon didn’t seem to understand anything about The Creator at all unlike the Traveler’s other companions. “Maybe Paimon isn’t worthy enough to receive The Creator’s warmth like me” thought the Traveler as they absentmindedly pushed around the ash from the campfire they’d set up an hour earlier.

They decided to bring out their Adventure Handbook and flipped to the Map, it seemed like they was one marker left from the last time they had been controlled by The Creator. “Hey Paimon, Tomorrow we’ll be back on the road.” Traveler said to his flying friend who was currently devouring an entire Honey Roast.

“*Nom Nom* Where to? Paimon’s bones have been aching for some good adventure!” Paimon ignored that Traveler had finally spoke a full sentence to her after weeks, more focused on the idea of going somewhere new.

“Sumeru.”

_________________________________________________________________________________

So? How you like it? It’s probably not that long if im being honest ehe. So yeah Traveler is coming into the mix, which btw you guys can decide if you want the Traveler to be Lumine or Aether! (Because I can’t deal with using They for both you the reader and the traveler because i will get confused when writing) Also the whole room thing is based on what my room is like, other than the bird feeders but I’m getting those sometime this year i promise. I also had to read the lore for Nahida and it seems there was never like,,, a solid reason for why she was trapped in the orb thing other than “Sages wanted to and she did it out of her own freewill” and didnt have a larger purpose.

If your name is crossed out it means I couldn’t tag you I’m sorry :(

Taglist: @no-name-omo @moosieman123456 @tinandabin @esthelily @d0rmiens-fact0rem @lunalily19 @meerpea @justasleepyboi @lunarianillusion @cumbermovels @allblognamesaretakenlikereally @dulleyeddreamer @ello-its-me-ya-boi @jayastronomicnova

#genshin impact #au #genshin fanfic #genshin sagau #genshin impact sagau #genshin nahida #genshin kusanali #imposter sagau #sagau impostor au #sagau #its so cute #fluff #fluffy #im not a writer

[lotusmi]

lotusmiii.. i really need your help. so a few weeks ago while i was in a mental hospital my mom went through my phone, my room and literally anything i owned (because they are required to do that without your permission sadly…) as she saw my manifestation list which was literally everything that was going to be in my dream life (and basically i planned on being a whole different person (from past, to parents, to my physical looks, my personality, where i live- you name it) and im guessing she showed the staff and my mental hospital doctor too and while i was there they were giving lessons based off of the things that were on there (“insecurities”, “learning/forgiving mistakes”, even some of the mental health numbers i texted in a crisis) cause they also do that.. but the problem is everytime i think of my dream life list or whenever i see something that reminds me of what i wrote (ex. my desired body) i cant stop thinkin about them seeing it.. like i tried to revise it but i failed on changing self because i couldn’t stop thinking about it and feeling all type of emotion (like guilt, embarrassment and so and so).. idk it really makes me feel hopeless of manifesting my dream life just thinking about them seeing it all. idk i just really need help and this is fucking up my mental health even worse when it comes to terms of manifestation

kind long post, read it fully to know one of my success storys! :)

Look, I used to be completely afraid of my parents discovering things about me. I would keep imaginating what they would thought or if they would punish me. The fact is, always when I was doing something I did not wanted to be discovered, I would be thinking like "oh so certain they seeing, I am so sure they will discover" etc. And hmm.. What men gives in their imagination is always reflected, right? They always discovered, I always was punished. They discovered about my previous sub channel, my mom read all my manifesting lists too. She thought I was part of a cult. It was hell like. I was so afraid of her.

The point is, as I learned the law and I learned everyone is me pushed out. I learned I could change their behavious towards me by changing their behaviours within me. So i stopped wondering "what if they discover, what if this that..."

”Don’t hold onto anything on the outside; hold on only in your imagination. If something is taken from you, it is because at one time you assumed its loss and for a moment wondered what you would do if it were. You forgot the thought (the assumption made and felt real), but its message had already been released to fulfill itself." - Neville Goddard

By constantly assuming my mom would discover and punish me. By constantly imagining how would she punish me, I was always and always punished, humiliated, etc. It was depressed by daily hearing my mom joking aroud saying stuff like "Oh is my skin more white? i just listened to a biokinesis video". I was literally obligated to confess "my sins" becaus of this "whichcraft" and the "cult". Literally, she wanted even to follow my thoughts, I was obligated to be catholic etc.

✉ So my advice IS do not re-think and remember, or even wonder if a person discovered something or if a person will punish you, judge you. DON'T EVEN WONDER. Why? because you will start feeling worry and afraid, and because you feel this emotions, you would start thinking that that you are imagining will manifest, and I know exaclty how it feels. That's why I am saying this. So if the thought of "oh but they saw", or even "oh but what she is thinking of this" cames, tell yourself IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, IT IS DONE. I AM SAFE. And ignore those thoughts, thoughts don't manifest, states do. What is a state? A state is what you indentify yourself having or being. So tell yourself that those things will not happen and they won't, since what you do in imagination is reflected! What they doing, thinking? WHAT YOU WANT. They don't know it! Black point!

♡ My SUCCESS STORY DOING THIS:

Back at december, I really wanted to have Neville Goddard books. I really wanted. So I have a kindle (it's like a tablet with ebooks), and I found this ebook with all Neville works, so I downloaded. I was really afraid my dad would saw it since of all shit I had to deal in past, but I was assuming he won't see. The problem is, It was a free sample of only 20% of the ebook, and as most of you know, amazon has this BUY WITH ONE CLICK option, and I BOUGHT BY ACCIDENT! That's when I got super anxious, I BOUGHT THE E-BOOK! It was kinda of expansive in my country coin and I know my dad would question me about it, he would receive the email and see the book.. He would ask me about it! I was so worried!!! But then I put myself in track, and even doubting, I told myself he won't see and he won't bother me. I kept telling this to myself and affirming to keep myself in the state that I was safe. I control my reality. I sent amazon a return request but it occoured an error, I was so worried at this point because i was afraid he see that.

At the end, he saw. He really did. But he only said "did u buy this ebook?" i said "yea, it was by accident, I sent the return request". Then he ignored and never talked about this anymore.

The SUCCESS part is: I STILL HAVE THE EBOOK. I have the ebook with all Neville works and all lectures (more than 400) FOR FREE! So that's most it! We are the power and we decided what will happen to us or how people will treat us. :)

#neville goddard #success story #loatumblr #loa advice #loa tumblr #loa blog #loassumption #law of assumption #living in the end #states

[ashintheairlikesnow]

how do you stop missing someone, especially when they arent really gone gone you just aren't in each others lives anymore and neither of you can go back to how it was in the before times recent community grief got me thinking and im sorry if youre not the person to ask but idk maybe you have thoughts?

So, I have this friend who just went through a pretty nasty divorce. And even before the separation and the filing, the man she married and the man she was currently married to were not the same person. This man had changed in only a few years, and not for the better. He had spent time in some pretty gross places and picked up some pretty gross ideologies, and he treated her pretty terribly. She filed for divorce, and then one day asked me, "If he is so terrible to me, why do I keep feeling like leaving him is like someone died?"

And my response to her was honestly more or less a paraphrase of something I had read in a book after my dad died that was about grief and got into grief that isn't necessarily caused by a death, but instead a separation of people for any number of reasons. Could be immigration takes you so far away from each other that you don't have the ability or money to visit, it can be a divorce, it can be cutting off toxic parents that you still love, it could be the loss of a friendship... Any number of things.

So what I told her was when you lose someone, you don't necessarily have to lose them to death to feel like you have lost connection to a life.

My friend wasn't mourning the loss of a man who treated her like shit. She was grieving the loss of the man she had originally married, the man she fell in love with, the man she dated. And she was grieving the loss of the future she had pictured having with him.

That's grieving a life lost.

I have lost a few people in this way. Sometimes to a conflict, sometimes to simply losing touch over time. The funny part is that I still sometimes have dreams where I'm just hanging out with them. Or in the case of an old boyfriend, I sometimes have dreams even now about apologizing for some of the things I did and hearing him apologize for some of the things he did. That conversation is never going to happen, not through any fault of either of our own, it just isn't. But the mind still wants things to wrap up, it wants to be able to categorize events and people and places in our lives and file them neatly away.

Life is too messy for that.

What has worked best for me, and it may not work for you but for me... I allow the grief and the mourning. I make space for it. I acknowledge that it's real and it's not lesser than other forms of grief just because it isn't necessarily as permanent. Pain is pain, and this isn't Sadness Olympics.

So for me, being able to think about it and work it out and go over what happened and what I'm sad about helps me because I'm not repressing and pushing it down, which only makes me dwell on it. Instead, I might notice something and think, Dustin would really like this song. And then feel a moment of melancholy for the conversations we never got to have. And then I move on.

If the loss is fresh, acknowledge that it's fresh, and that it's going to take a while to feel any better than you do right now about it.

It will stop being a fresh loss. But it may still come to mind from time to time, and that's okay, that's normal. Grief and loss are not linear. They are circles, they are rivers, they wind around and double back on themselves. They come in waves, they come in hailstorms, they come in the tide making its inexorable way up or down, they come sometimes in droughts.

Sometimes it can help if you have someone to talk to about it, or just write down what you're feeling even if you never show those writings to anyone else. Make space for the feelings, make space for the thoughts. Play music that resonates with how you feel, read books that fit the mood, maybe draw pictures. Just let your brain do what it will with the emotions.

It helps me. I don't know if it would help you.

But those are my thoughts.

#grief #ask ash something and she'll answer #ash rambles

[ofmermaidstories]

lately i’ve been dreaming about people handing me things. the first night this happened, i was in a shopping centre, left behind by my friends (bastards) and had rushed to this small, small pocket of a store in the bowels of the centre that was closed, but the guy (a bigger boy, ginger hair and beard) let me in, closed the lace curtains after me and then handed me what i was after—two gatcha eggs. one had a pink and gold model of Baba Yaga’s hut—the little cottage, the chicken feet it runs on. The other one had a swan with a golden crown, nested in and waiting. i had to build both of them, but i was so relieved to have them in my hands.

the second night followed a few days later. i’ve come from the beach—my skin smells like salt and my hair is wild and a well-dressed blonde woman in cream and pearls looks at me like she’s afraid i’m going to mug her. she’s holding a pair of my earrings, so i just might. “these aren’t real diamonds,” she tells me, scornfully. i’m perplexed. “i bought them from a jewellery store,” i answer, holding out my hand for them. she gives them back, reluctantly, but she’s right: they’re poorly cut glass now, and not the earrings i had.

the third time i dream something similar (something pointed), it’s an old classmate i haven’t seen in years. i’m frazzled, having rushed from a maze of rooms to meet her for lunch. she stands when i approach the table, grinning. her hair is blonde and curly. “here,” she says, handing me a tray of oysters. “they’ve been waiting for you.” they still smell of the ocean. i’ve never eaten an oyster in my life, but when i hold the tray everything in me eases up.

(i think my brain is trying to remind me of something. maybe this is its way of giving me a inspirational speech—you already have the things you need—but mostly im stuck on the bitch who gave me back fake earrings. where are my earrings???)

[craycraybluejay]

I remember a tv show that I watched when I was v little in my dreams but whats fucking me up is w everything that happened idk if its real. ITS SO detailed. and I REMEMBER VIVIDLY seeing it like on tv or online or something.

Gonna write down some stuff about it

Stuff in the actual show I believe:

It's set in some sort of school or after school place or something like that?

There was something off about the school in terms of what it taught. Like I remember there was math and science but there was also magic or ghosts or something

The kids had these weird bright yellow poles for i think fighting something or other? and they were shaped sorta like broomsticks but sleeker material and the end was tilted and off center but it did not have a sharp edge. also there were no bristles. i think there was also a bright yellow pack or bucket to match

There was a house preparing for a big Halloween party and all the kids from the school were to be there

The student desks were connected desks (ie: chair connected to table by plastic/metal/wooden bar)

I remember the show was named something that sounded really cool to me like "Celeste" or something. Like a pretty/interesting word, you know?

The show is appropriately colourful for a children's show; not excessively but like. A normal amount.

It's an animated show, 2d I think but with some experimental stuff that looks like cgi or something? idk im not well informed on animations inner workings

The kids are fighting something in the show; probably monsters or demons or ghosts or dark magic or something

At least 1 or 2 of the kids' parents are teachers at the school, maybe more

The artstyle was NOT photorealistic, which makes the contents of my dream stranger. It was a classic american kids cartoon look, cutesy and understandable but not very detailed

There are allusions to some terrible evil within the show as well as allusions to an event with this evil that we never see on screen but know that the kids played some role in and its hinted that "some were taken by the evil" whether that means death/kidnapping or the kid deciding to switch sides (or both!) is unknown. I assume SI was one of, possibly the only possibly not, one of the kids who switched sides during this vague event. I'm not actually sure if SI is alive in the show or just a dead plot device but they were alive in my dream.

The school says that the event with this Big Bad was a "stain on the school's history" and the show gives us a few scenes of kids whispering/gossiping about what happened but I dont think it was enough info to fully understand what it was. Either way, I don't remember.

Most of the show is just school shenanigans between students and sometimes between parents/teachers and students fighting whatever bad stuff with what they learned in the alternative class in their school that isnt in actual schools. There are a few lightly referenced dark topics but for the most part everyone seems to have a happy family, healthy friendships, etc.

There's an episode where someone's pet or older family member (dont remember which) dies and some superstitious person tells the kid that the Big Bad took that important soul from their life. the kid cries in school a lot of the day and learns about the power of friendship or whatever when so many students and teachers come to comfort them and state their condolences.

Stuff that I can't tell might be either:

There were familiar faces there that I could've sworn I met irl but idk if it was meant to be like that or part of the actual show

It was a self insert show. As in, I saw myself as one of the characters and was able to interact with the world and characters. I'm sure my actual face being on TV is definitely impossible, and some AI that could make some kind of visual illusion/computer learning that could make you personally see your own self is probably impossible in that time period. now it may somehow become possible idk. Maybe there was just a scary relatable character there and I forgot and lost it to obscurity?

There was a science teacher that confronted me that vaguely resembled very unspecific memories of some teacher or other from my early years. I doubt the teacher in the show WAS her or even like her but I know almost for sure that there was a confrontation with some science teacher in the show. She yells at a character for being a dropout and acting like such a good student and then something terrible happening. May I add this has never happened to me and while I was a weird kid I was very good to my teachers and liked them a lot.

There were two girls "I" or the SI character was acquaintances/friends with. I know in the show they werent the girls I had at one point knew (lets call them E and A) but I also know almost definitely there were two friend girl characters in the show in relation to the SI.

SI bikes away from the Halloween House in an emotional state and ends up in a wealthy and unfamiliar neighbourhood. Fenced mansions and greener than green flora. SI is stopped by police I guess patrolling the area and they ask whats wrong and where SI is coming from/going and if SI is lost. SI, or my version of SI, says that they are coming from a friend's Halloween thing (half true) and are going straight home since they did their part (a flagrant lie, SI has no idea where they are or even if theyre in the same town at this point). SI says they're okay and after some hassling the cops leave them alone.

Stuff unique to my dream:

I THINK a former special person in my life being there (lets call them M) was NOT in the show.

The house in the aforementioned Halloween party prep was M's house, and when SI showed up and asked if they could come to the party, M said "maybe" and then took SI aside to say how SI made them uncomfortable now/wasnt part of the Group anymore and how SI must make sure not to do and then stated a really random list of things that i dont think was either in the show or my life

#lost media #or something #idk this one's a head scratcher #help is this a real thing what is it and how much has my brain twisted/modified it #tip of my tongue #nostalgia #dreams #vague memories #old tv show #kids cartoon #idk whether to tag this as unreality bc i genuinely think at least some of it is real content from a real show

[avoidaboo]

postgame red hcs because i cant stop thinking about him. also, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR BRC. IF YOU HAVENT PLAYED THE GAME YET AND PLAN THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS starting with expanding on the red and felix are two different people hc because i stole it and cant stop thinking about it Again, red and felix are two very different people, red got rebuilt with some left overs of the original cyberhead (which were big parts have you seen that cutscene) (which the flesh prince also had dont ask) after felix found his body in an alley while going to the hideout with everyone else and took it with him. since faux is dead and his head is basically lost, he saw no problem with it. the flesh prince stitched him up and kaboom. he is back. tho he only activated a few days after however, red has now MORE issues since hes now more robot than human. the public shutdowns (which are basically the times where he just fucking passes out in public, e.g. by eclipse. or even screaming before passing out, like by dj cyber). everytime that happens, he gets into one of those dream levels but now theyre WORSE. aka theyre nightmare levels now and going through the entire nightmare is the only way of him waking up when that happens. sometimes it takes him more than one real life days to actually wake up from it, so yeah people usually worry ALOT. they are trying to figure out why its so often more to the public shutdowns btw: a public shutdown is basically a cyberhead passing out out of nowhere, they mostly happen when severely stressed, heat or just any negative emotion being to strong. screaming before passing out only occurs when fear or stress back to dream (or nightmare levels). red pretty much has to conquer them to wake up again, those nightmare only consist of faux and felixs memories. they are only unpleasant if its through a public shutdown. otherwise they are completely fine and sometimes are his memories he made throughout the story. so yeah im not leaving him completely traumatized. now to general red hcs: red can literally just unscrew his head at any time when he wants to, how is he supposed to change clothes at all? cyberheads are pretty much able to go without food for days red will unscrew his head just to wash it. he needs help with it tho cuz he cant risk water getting into his circuity again he never gets tired of “so no head?” jokes due to being more of a robot now, red doesn’t understand stuff like “social norms” or shit like “gender”. neither does he really understand masculinity or femininity either. so what im saying is hes agender (basically has no gender) and is pansexual :D red copies bels texting behavior to even irl. speaking of bel, she taught him rollerblading too! also theyre best friends red sees felix like an older brother, i have no real explanation for this i just think its cute now one last thing, solace and red are so fruity i cannot goodbye i MIGHT update this list if i dont forget about it

#bomb rush cyberfunk #brc

[cogbreath]

vent below idk what image to give to make it worth your while have geeked up spongebob sparkle

7 in the goddamn morning that family is YELLING YELLING. and by that i mean my. but i dont want to really be a part of it. not like they treat me like one anyway. really. except my mom. but when shit like this goes down im basically invisible. maybe its for the better that way. but i dunno. having to see that shit go down. really effects me still. i can enjoy watching nasty fights on reality tv and shit but this stuff isnt enjoyable. cuz like. well i live with these people and shit. whatever. point is. starts making some alters really freak out. i dont even really disagree with the ones who start feeling violent about it. if killing an abuser didnt land u in prison 4 life basically i dont think we'd even be dealing with this shit. probably cruel to say. but really whats cruel is someone who does this shit to people for 20 odd years. can i blame them at all for thinking that when we r like a caged animal who cant fidn a way out i really cant

itsnfine dont worey i wont let things come to that point. but ifnsomehow they do i guess my point that well you all know i tried ans you all know that the fucker had it coming and i will try to figure out how to fit a phone up my hole in prison ans i'll keep blogging as long as none of yall snitch

^ none of yall better act like thats something serious im being a bit funny but honestly i do think this site is pro killing your abuser more than other sites at least on the hypothetical level which helps becuse a lot of you won't disagree with us feeling that way

id love to do it but i wont because i've talked about it and alluded to it more than enough to warrant premeditation charge, and i wouldn't be able to feign innocence to hide it for the rest of my life and id always be paranoid about it so its not worth the mental weight either

i used to worry a lot that he would snap and kill me and mama

i guess it could still happen but i dont feel as scared about it as i used to.

maybe because i feel that im old enough to maybe stop it or at least be really hard to accomplish

this will all mean nothing when i forget about it mostly in a few hours

actually i'll be going to sleep in a few hours

since my schedule is literally the opposite of this family because i need time to myself

hopefully my dreams will be kind to me

i was really upset yesterday because i had a vivid dream where i was being affectionate and romantic with a guy who committed rape on me

woke up super disgusted and went back to sleep until 6 pm about it to get a better dream

does anyone on here care if i call it that if it wasnt violently penetrstive?

to me its a gross criteria plus what are you supposed to call someone who did less that that

whatever

point is i hsted the dream

all my dreams are vivid

many of them are lucid which is lovely

when they arent lucid though sometimes its awful but still its very vivid and all felt as real as life

this isnt really relevant anymore

right now i kind of feel nothing but my tummy hurts a lot

love you guys

[rinja-espurr]

I have no memory of whether or not you reblogged the halloween ask game post but1. If you did, Trick Or Treat 👻 and 2. if you didnt. You should talk about TADC stuff it would be cool

I think i didnt but I DID want to reblog it I just. forgor im also a bit late its already november 1st in my timezone but HEY WHY NOT ANYWAYS youre getting various random TADC stuff AS a treat because I love talking about it and its the only thing I can think about now so i think youve seen my tadc post SOOO adding more stuff to it: i think the thing that can also mess you up there is that theres. probably no normal passage of time. pretty sure that both the moon and the sun are out at the same time (or at least most of the time?) so I imagine you have no way to tell how many days have passed. like you MAY know youve been there for a long time but also you have no idea would I still like to be here? YEAH ACTUALLY. help for me its like "stimming isnt enough i need to explode" but instead its like. "stimming isnt enough i need to be put into a (probably) inescapable colorful confusing liminal space-like place that will make you go insane in the long run". fun fact to me this also applies to the spiral's hallways (from TMA) more stuff: ive had a dream where ive almost abstracted. and i can feel ANYTHING that happens to me in my dreams even if its something impossible to feel in real life (i mean, you cant really get abstracted in real life) and in that dream it felt like youre. PHYSICALLY glitching and losing control of yourself and all of that and you cant really do anything about it and its. scary. i dont consider this dream a nightmare though because im fine with that if the dream is related to a special interest i have and even MORE stuff: i love those pieces of media that have a variety of characters similarly to this one i love to put them in memes like. text posts-like memes or those blank ones that you can put characters in like. i dont even know how to explain it maybe ill make some of those memes someday too but ive seen a few already and i love those. anyways i can think of THREE different pieces of media that fall into those and those are. TADC, pizza tower and bugbo. i love all of those. so much

#the autism took over i didnt expect to write THAT much #I KNOW ITS LATE BUT IF ANYBODY WANTS TO TRICK OR TREAT ME YALL STILL CAN!!!! #anyways oh my god this was so fun to write all of that i love talking about tadc #fun fact this has reminded me about a bunch of ask games that i should FINALLY answer too theyre so fun too #tadc #the amazing digital circus #halloween #tumblr trick or treat

[malevolententity]

hrmgmgm 4ever situ thoughts

this will probably get messy and personal because that Really informs how i feel and i need to expel it from my body LMAO

i still dont know how i feel. or well. i know how i feel but its nuanced and conflicted and im mad that i cant concisely say how i feel. we Know the initial information didnt come out in good faith. we Know that the girls involved were not asked how they felt prior to the callouts. we also can see from current actions that this doesnt happen anymore. that it doesnt represent who he is as a person in recent years.

and i fully believe that people are able to change and grow from past wrong actions. regardless of if those actions were just wrong jokes or Literal Actions.

this cycle never gets easier. ive been on both sides e.g. being like one of the girls. but also being one of the ccs. so i get their no nuance just anger. because m still mad as hell about ike/ciel. as someone who was good friends with him. but also was the same age as his victims and very easily could be considered one by some people. shout out to being two people removed from ironmouse though 🤪.

but ive also like. been in the girls situation. you dig back 11/12 years on here. theres Going to be evidence of 22 year olds with thousands of followers flirting with 13/14 year old me. some of whom were harmless friends making weird tasteless no intent jokes. and some of whom were genuine pedophiles that either were complete strangers or people i knew in real life and called friends. and id be fucking pissed if any of those were taken out of or even in context without my permission. because its my story. if anyones going to be talking about it it should only ever be because i decided i wanted it to be talked about. not some random person having a vendetta against people i used to talk to and finding and using bits of my story as a way to defame someone whos recent actions do not line up with the deplorable actions of them in 20 fucking 12.

and so i cant help but have 800 fucking emotions. because what we know about is gross. but i dont believe he should be fully deplatformed over shit he hasnt done in 5-7 years. and that is absolutely fueled by my emotions because as far as we know. the girls did not ask for him to be deplatformed. the girls stories are being spread without their input to ruin a guys life. and i would feel violated if i was used as evidence by strangers against my will.

but maybe thats just the victim brain in me who will always feel the need to shield some of the guys from my past because its complicated and messy and humans are complicated and messy. and im just projecting. because i have been in those girls position. a few times.

and thats why ive been mostly silent through this whole thing. because i am a Hashtag Bad Victim and no one wants to hear from the people who think were being too hasty and think information should come from the people involved. not twitter sleuths who really fucking hate a cc.

that said for people who need to see it written out. im not supporting him with views on future videos. i still enjoy 4ever as a character. i will still probably reblog 4ever art every now and then, because ive also gone thru this in a dnd fandom where one guy turned out to be a shitter but i still enjoyed his character so i will engage with the character when i feel like it. because that character is not the streamer.

this whole situation just feels bad and unfair to absolutely everyone involved. no one here is winning. celebrating his removal is weird. because the removal means something Did happen and thats horrible. and watching this turn into a spectacle to see who unfollows next/what the next announcement is, is disgusting. this isnt a game and it feels like some of you are treating it that way. these are real lives, these are real people.

side tangent.

i really fucking cant stand everyone whos been comparing this to the dream situations. because every single dream situation has come from victims or people posing as victims. so of course. listen to them and do your own research but believe them from the get go. THIS THOUGH????? WAS ADMITTEDLY UNRELATED PEOPLE WHO HATED A GUY, WHO FOR MONTHS HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO DEPLATFORM HIM. AND FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING THAT WAS ACTIONABLE. of course some of us were going to hold off on forming thoughts and were gonna be skeptical of where the information came from because it was not victims coming forward.

its two different fucking situations and acting like theyre the same is insane to me.

[verycharismaticdragon]

Tag 10 People You Wanna Get to Know Better

tagged by @mu-qingfang-stan-account ty <3

relationship status: single (as in "too scared to try finding someone to date considering the state of queer rights here rn")

favorite colors: *james pokemon voice* its lavender (but honestly purple in all shades. my life have improved immensely when i started dyeing my hair purple and getting clothes to match)

favorite food: this is so broad uh... if its sweet stuff I gotta go with ice cream because whatever u want. it got u. and if we are talking about proper meal foods i think i gotta say chicken. shes so versatile what cant she do

song stuck in your head: oughh i cycle thru so many... i guess Leia (Rondo cover) came up a lot in the last few days

last thing you googled: spelling of some word, dont remember which. i often do this bcus im not confident in my spellings, esp with longer words, because I only learned them visually and that doesn't necessarily mean all letters or in the right order. wait i think it was resurrect, i keep forgeting if its two "s"s or two "r"s in there (yes i googled it again to spell it rn)

time: 13:40

dream trip: listen this is just gonna be sad if i answer it, so lets not

last thing you read: I'm currently super mega slowly rereading Scum Villain - like, taking notes every page slowly - so that's been going for the past month or so. If we're talking finished, then pipi's You Fei.

last book you enjoyed reading: I did enjoy Fei a whole lot! As usual, I'm a sucker for priest's ability to entwine some absolute clownery with so much subtle (and sometimes not subtle) heartbreak. Also the more I hear from my friend who branches out into BG cnovels/cdramas the more I realize how special a female protagonist like Fei is.

last book you hated reading: a danmei novel that shall remain unnamed bcus it was recced by a mutual. meanwhile i regret finishing it. the plot was such a friggin soap opera. literally almost Every soap opera trope. i'm surprised nobody's clone showed up, it wouldnt have been out of place! the ship dynamic was good so i finished to get their happy ending but. kinda felt that it wasn't worth it in the end.

favorite thing to cook/bake: gotta be meringues, as long as you know the perfect time for your particular oven theyre literally SO easy to make. and tasty. I like making blini too but they are kinda stressful because you gotta stay on them the entire time.

favorite craft to do in your free time: cross-stitch, it's somehow just the right proportion of mindlessness and engagement for me

most niche dislike: there's this special kind of annoying fans that make me dislike thing that they are fan of literally just because it becomes associated in my mind with their annoyingness. (I don't know how to explain every nuance of how they are annoying, but most often it involves being shitty about something else, that I already like.) And it kinda pisses me off not just on its own, but also on behalf of the thing they are fan of. Like - it usually doesn't deserve my ire! it's literally just the fans, and only some specific ones! But I can't stop my brain from cringing at the sight of the thing. ugh. So: hate it when this happens.

opinion on circuses: im more interested in the aesthetic concept of circuses than in any real ones.

do you have any sense of direction: yeah im pretty good with it, both in "reading maps" way and in "understanding where things are located relative to each other and alternate routes/shortcuts" way

tagging: god please I always forget every single person I ever seen or talked to when it comes to tagging. Literally any of my followers, I'm interested, I wanna hear about u, if you'd like to do this say i tagged you and go off

#tag game

[souryogurt64]

i saw someone on here talking about pete's dead boyfriend in swgd and i don't remember if it was you or not it just seems like the thing you'd talk about

yes, i have talked about it a few times-- i cant find any of my posts about it which is EXTREMELY annoying as i went into depth. but whatev

there is a journal entry where he explicitly alludes to kissing guys and visiting a cemetery to cry on someones grave.

this is the journal entry

i got ringing in my ears but none on my fingers. i got sunsets in the veins on my wrists. we’re not just falling in love anymore, we’re demanding it. im the latest bloomer (dried out my wet dreams and saved them for a rainy day). i can still see you standing on my front porch- slowed my own thoughts down to a single blade of grass. you couldnt catch my eye cause i was too busy rolling them. the buttons on one side of your coat that wouldnt snap on the other side. they were just for fashion not for function you told me. you were pretty for a boy. it made me laugh when i thought of it, im sorry i wasnt laughing at what you were saying. it makes me laugh still- when im driving around for hours at night. id love to swerve off and blame it on the fog, but ive been talking on these roads too much lately. theyd spill all my secrets. this city won’t let me go. im sure theyd lock me up somewhere if anyone saw me at 23 sneaking into cemetaries. taking pills to make me feel okay sleeping in the grass just above you. the sirens find me at the first light. my lips cracked and dried from the tears, i'll probably die a cliche. flash the lights to kissing boys. provocative. i promise you i wont ever have another afternoon like when we used to sneak out of school and drive the lakeshore. noone will ever sound as cool as you. we built cool. we made up style. we set the standard and theyre all just trying to live up to it. if theres nobody who thinks like us anymore. untouchable is unlovable. you always have me humming in my head just out of key. i bought an alarm clock just so i could hit the snooze button. whats the point in getting out of bed anymore if you only get out to say you did. if you could love the biggest fraud or the best liar- then im your prince. i was made just for fashion not for function.

i think making the leap to "dead boyfriend" is kind of extreme because i cannot recall anyone mentioning someone significant to pete in his late teens/early 20s dying. i feel like something that tragic would have been mentioned by someone else at least once and ive never seen something like that.

petes novel is a bit complicated-- from what hes said/implied/is obvious, which would take too long to go into and explain-- over a period of years, he wrote a "story" about a fictional relationship and then, revised it several times and fused it with a "roman-a-clef" version of his actual life and real people in it to create what he says is an entirely fictional novel.

towards the beginning of this novel, the girl tells him the fashion not for function thing and that hes pretty for a boy. by the end of the novel, she is dead and hes crying on her grave.

thus, its possible this is an early draft from the novel and not real. however, its also possible he just worked events that happened with someone else into the book.

however, the book explanation doesnt fully explain the kissing boys thing. additionally, sugar has a lot of charged lines about being possibly gay, and mentions lying in a cemetery like the journal entry, which lends credence to the dead boyfriend theory.

its quite perplexing so its talked about a lot.

[sneakyscarab]

touhou 19 time! this game was literally not even released when i started this, so this is really fresh! this post is probably the closest i will ever be to a real games journalist lol.

nina's thoughts on Touhou 19 - Unfinished Dream of All Living Ghost

the most recent touhou, coming out just a few weeks ago, so this review is hot off the presses! UDoALG (wild abbreviation by the way, this name is so long) is a pretty neat game, being a direct sequel to Wily Beast and Weakest Creature story-wise, and a sequel to Phantasmagoria of Flower View gameplay-wise.

UDoALG is another in the competitive-danmaku type gameplay, similar to PoFV but with a number of evolutions to make the gameplay more balanced and easier to control. i won't go over every little change, since theres quite a lot, but ill point out some interesting changes, mostly in relation to story mode. for starters, Ability Cards are back again from UM, although with a much smaller role. each character has 2 cards themed to them, and whenever you beat an opponent in story mode you're randomly given one of their two cards. the three animal spirits are added, but they work completely differently to WBaWC, now being stronger variants of the generic spirit enemies from PoFV. a change that i think is only in story mode is that a new win condition is added, where if you defeat your opponent's boss summon an amount of times then your opponent loses. this is also pretty much the only wincon in story mode, since the AI has insane dodging skills. i literally only saw them lose a life one (1) time across 19 characters' stories (if you're curious, it was in Chiyari's stage 1).

one really interesting aspect of this game is the storytelling. i usually don't bring up the story in these posts outside of how certain characters relate to it, the story usually is a fairly simple affair that just gives the characters a reason to fight, but UDoALG has a much more complex story, which im kinda mixed on. i'll start with the cool part: the story actually progresses as you play through and unlock various characters in story mode, every set of character unlocks represents a later time period of the story, so you don't get the full story and resolution until you play through it all. this is a super cool idea, and gives good incentive to keep playing different routes and see how it all plays out. its a cool idea that uniquely plays off of the large character roster and unlocking method of these competitive vs games.

unfortunately, in order to make this happen and make every character be relevant, the plot is needlessly convuluted, especially in the first couple campaigns. there are so many factions at play, all with their own motives and double-agents and subterfuge. by the end of the 19 story scenarios you will be absolutely sick of the phrase "this is exactly as i had planned", and yet i still dont fully understand What the "main villain"s plan was. i commend ZUN for trying something new with the narrative, both in doing a direct sequel with most of the same characters as a former game, as well as this way of unfolding the story over time through different character routes, but i can't say it was Good. maybe im just biased since it mostly revolves around the WBaWC cast, and that game already had pretty rough plot and characterization, but i dunno. i will say i liked the story more at the end than i did after doing the first couple routes, but some of that early confusion never really goes away, and characters like Ran and Tsukasa dont really get their stories resolved.

time to talk about the characters! UDoALG is furry city, pretty much every character besides the human incident resolvers is some kind of animal-person, plus a few Onis. for returning characters we have Reimu, Marisa, Sanae, Ran (from PCB), Aunn (HSiFS), Nazrin (UFO), Seiran (LoLK), Rin (SA), Tsukasa (UM), Mamizou (TD), Yachie (WBaWC), Saki (WBaWC), Yuuma (the 3rd Animal Realm leader, coming from a fighting game i think?), and Suika (also a fighting game, and SA). for the new characters, we have 3 new youkai who have each joined one of the animal realm families respectively, plus the 'main villain' Zanmu and her assistant Hisami. since theres only 5 new guys, ill just give them each a quick review.

Son Biten is a monkey youkai, based on Son Wukong, recruited to Yachie's Kiketsu family. she's pretty goofy, and has a really neat musical theme. i dont have much to say about her, besides that she has a cool inspiration, and some of her interactions are pretty funny.

Enoko is a dog-type youkai, loosely based on the idea of Cerberus, who was recruited to Saki's Keiga family. instead of literally having 3 heads, she has bear traps on her wrists that act as analogues to the jaws of two additional heads, which is a really neat interpretation of a cerberus concept, as well as having tons of comedic potential. i love all the jokes people make about her offering up a Totally Normal Handshake, dont worry about it. she apparently lived in the Forest of Magic as a dog before awakening as a youkai, so she joins the crew of Marisa's funny forest friends.

the third new Youkai is Chiyari, who is NOT a chupacabra, despite what everyone says. she's based on a Tenkajin, which is apparently an obscure youkai that sucks blood, obscure enough that i could only find a single source for it online, being a Japanese blog post written by who i assume is a youkai enthusiast. Anyways, nobody in Gensokyo knows what a tenkajin is either, so everyone calls her a chupacabra instead since its another bloodsucking creature who is 'pretty popular right now'. most of her interactions are her being annoyed by being called a chupacabra, and eventually coming to terms with it. poor tenkajin gets no respect. shes very funny, and also apparently completely broken in pvp. great character.

Hisami is a 'guide of Hell', who is also inexplicably based on grapes for some reason (or eggplants, depending on who you ask, but im in grapes camp.) she pretty much just finds people in hell and helps them find their destination, although 'their destination' is up to Hisami's interpretation, and multiple times in the story she leads characters somewhere else. apparently she does her job wrong because she wants Zanmu to notice her, and it doesn't work cause apparently that was part of Zanmu's plan all along, so she doesn't care. Zanmu is too busy playing 4d chess to give her suboordinate some attention, so sad.

speaking of, Zanmu is an Oni, and the 'main villain' of the game. i say that with quotes because, despite being the final boss in most routes, and being the chessmaster supposedly laying out the big plans and manipulating everyone, she also is simultaneously resolving the incident, kinda?? its a bit hard to understand her motivations. well i guess her motivations make sense, but its hard to understand how exactly she plans to get what she wants from this plan. like her plan involves getting beat up by Reimu multiple times? hello?? not a fan, and she doesn't even have a cool design inspiration to make up for it, shes just another oni.

alright, lets wrap this one up. i was surprised to see another VS type game come out, and it seems to deliver a lot more balanced and interesting combat than the first one (granted, story mode plays pretty differently from what i can tell). the story is weird though, and the roster doesn't really have many characters i'm excited to play as compared to PoFV, and the characters i do like are pretty bad. (Sanae in particular is really weak in this format, her homing snakes are a huge disadvantage against bosses since they turn as soon as they see an enemy, meaning they wont hit the boss unless every random spirit or fairy is dead first). complaints aside though, at the base level its still pretty fun, and im glad that this type of gameplay is being given another chance.

i said it in my PoFV review, and ill say it again here: if any of you reading this have UDoALG, and are interested in playing the PvP with me, hit me up! itd be fun to try playing this with another person (although i heard the online is rough so i dunno…)

thank you so much for reading, especially those of you that have stuck with me through each post! this is the end of the mainline series, but there's still a lot out there i havent done. im not sure where this will go from here, especially since my college semester just started so i'll have a lot less free time, but ive had a lot of fun working on this project, and i hope that youve had fun reading it! if i do keep going, i might do the PC-98 quintilogy next, or maybe talk about cool fangames like Luna Nights or Mystia's Izakaya, i dunno. whatever comes next though, i hope to see you again! consider this the end of 'volume 1' of my grimoire. farewell!

#grimoire of nina #touhou #touhou 19 #touhou UDoALG #unfinished dream of all living ghost #touhou project #touhou 19 spoilers

[hikari-ni-naritai]

go go prime numbers^^

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

yes!!!!! every relationship has been worth it, even the ones tht sucked and crashed immediately causing me infinite pain.

3. Are you a virgin?

i mean, this is a real ship of theseus question. ive heard your body replaces all its cells every 7 years and its definitely been at least that long, and plus my whole sitch is different down there. so like. no i cant in good faith say that i am.

5. Are you in love?

hard to say honestly. i was at one point, and then those feelings changed into something more manageable. i dont know what to call them now. probably 'love'.

7. Can you commit to one person?

i basically cant do anything else. i dont form those connections with anyone new once i have them.

11. Do you ever want to get married?

i dont know. i used to for sure! now its like. i dont even know if i want to do romance anymore.

13. Do you get jealous easily?

i get jealous of things you cant even imagine. they should lock me up for the shit i get jealous of.

17. Do you like kissing in public?

i dont think i have any particular feelings on it. i would probably be more likely to get shot if i did it these days than back when i was actually kissing people.

19. this ones not here! wild

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

literally nothing would be easier.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

of course not

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

VERY proud to admit that after taking hrt for a few years i have!

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

i dont think so? i have dated someone who my friends hated one of us but it wasnt her, it was me. and they kept trying to hook her up with someone else (who also had a gf at the time). shitty friends, really.

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

hahahahaha no lol

43. How long was your longest relationship?

how long was tht shit..... uhh like nearly 6 years?

47. How old are you?

30

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

well i sure hope nobody is mad that im talking to people! thats some emily behaviour. people should not exhibit emily behaviour. shes too jealous for her own good. anyway theres nobody im talking to with intent to date so the question's moot i think.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

oh god uh let me grab the only good picture of me ive ever taken.

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

if im meeting them online its Vibes. if its in person, like. general body shape? i am definitely not looking at their face bc thats where the Eyes are and we are not about that.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

uhh. something nice where we can walk around outside without a schedule and without being bothered. the botanical gardens are good for this generally.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

i mean is that defined as 'dreams where you cum in real life' bc , basically every single one of those ive ever had has been 'you are trying to find the toilet'. not really very kinky. if theres another definition id love to hear it. if its 'dreams about sex' ive had so very few of those and i think the closest to kink they ever came was a doctor lady giving me a vaginal exam.

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

organize an ff14 static that doesnt disband until we clear the thing we set out to clear. my greatest dream.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

god but i feel jealous so often about everything. i think it was when my friend mentioned.... talking to either her gf or her other friend, i got jealous about both but i dont remember which one happened more recently.

83. Who was your first kiss with?

the girl i dated for 6 years.