#and like. ngl book 4 hit close to home and it hit fucking *hard*

[yergink]

everyone lamenting that book 4 isnt as good b/c theres no romance doesnt know what it feels like to promise grand things with your best friend when you're both kids only to inevitably grow apart as your lives take you in two different directions, leaving you wishing and wondering what could have been if both of you were more upfront about how you felt and the issues you had with each other

#infinity train #infinity train book 4 #infinity train spoilers #not really spoilers but just in case #like im Gay ok and yeah it would have been neat if ryan and min's relationship *was* romantic #but i think some people are missing the point #and like. ngl book 4 hit close to home and it hit fucking *hard* #as someone who has recently more or less cut ties with a person who was my best friend for. a long time #marine blogs #idk dont come at me with discourse or anything

[broadwaycantdie]

Race’s Quarantine Journal

( Race’s POV ) + ( Diary ) + ( High School AU )

a/n: aka me projecting

sorry this is shitty, i’m just feeling a lot rn and i wanted to get it all out

warnings: mental health, mentions of self harm and death, language

March 10, 2020

Everything has been crazy. People keep talking about some virus going around. It’s probably not too bad, I’ve had the flu before.

March 13, 2020

My school just sent me an email saying we can’t go back until April? Huh? Well at least I can finally get a break. School has been kicking my ass. I need a nice little vacation. I’ll relax and hang out with my friends. A quick little month long break ain’t too bad my senior year.

March 18, 2020

You’re telling me that my teachers are still giving work on this break? And they want me to video chat with them? Hell no. This is my vacation. I’ll just catch up when we go back to school.

March 21, 2020

So my parents aren’t letting me leave the house? It can’t be that bad. Maybe I should do my own research cause there is no way that all these shops should be closing and that I can't leave. I don't know what I’ll do if I’m stuck in this house for a month. All my friends can't leave either. Maybe we can just video chat I guess. I’ll see them soon enough anyway.

March 31, 2020

I’ve done so much research. Everything is so bad. So many people are dying. No one is doing anything about it. Why the fuck isn't anyone doing anything about it? Why are people still going out? Nothing is open. Go home.

April 1, 2020

I woke up today hoping this all was a crazy April Fool’s prank.

I wish I was right.

April 6, 2020

I was supposed to go back to school today.

Instead I got another email saying the closure got extended.

I don’t know when we’ll be able to go back.

April 10, 2020

I’ve been picking up a lot of hobbies.

Mostly I’ve been dancing. It calms my nerves. I’m going crazy in this house.

I tried painting but that got messy. I tried reading some books but words have never been the easiest things for me. I tried playing guitar with an old one I found in the garage but it hurts my fingers too much.

I’ll stick with dancing.

April 15, 2020

I don’t know what else to do. I’ve redecorated my bedroom 3 times and my parents told me if they hear me moving furniture in the middle of the night one more time they’d make me take everything down.

I feel trapped.

April 16, 2020

Maybe I should try to write in here more. That’s the only thing I can think to do. I could do a “what I did today” or a mood tracker. I might actually do the mood tracker but I know all well I won’t do it everyday. Maybe weekly? Maybe every couple days? Maybe whenever I feel like it?

Okay....today I feel: Bored.

April 22, 2020

It's Earth Day. One of my favorite days.

I hope that with the world shut down the Earth can breathe a little easier today.

Today I feel: Hopeful.

April 25, 2020

Today would’ve been my senior prom.

I actually had a date and everything, for the first time. How great would that have been?

I’m not gonna write a lot today. Too sad.

May 1, 2020

I can’t do this much longer. Everything sucks and I feel so stuck. I haven't left my house, I haven't seen my friends, my family is driving me crazy, my sleep schedule is totally fucked, I haven’t been this depressed since middle school, and I can’t do anything about any of it. It fucking sucks.

May 3, 2020

Let’s play a fun game. Okay so I’ll start with 10 fingers up and if this thing has happened put a finger down.

Okay so put a finger down if you really liked someone and you had a good thing going with them but you let the worst person in your life convince you that you shouldn't be with them and that they were the problem so you had to hurt the person you really liked to make the worst person feel better cause they manipulated you and took control of your brain and then the person you liked ended up dating one of your friends and you couldn't even be mad at them cause they were so happy and cute and you were happy for them both but then they broke up and you don’t know if it’s cool to talk to the guy you liked cause your friend is the ex and you haven't talked to them in a long time and they probably hate you cause you hurt him and he wouldn't understand cause your excuse is so shitty and you guys are now so different and life is just really hard and you think about what y’all had and miss it so much cause it was so good and thats all you want, to be loved, and you know it’ll never be the same so you don't even bother.

I’m down to 9 fingers.

God I fucking miss him.

May 4, 2020

For a long time I’ve convinced myself I don’t deserve love and I really think it’s true. That’s all I’ve ever wanted but I’ve done so many bad things what if no one wants me?

Everyone hates me. My friends only pretend to like me. I don’t understand why someone would want to be friends with someone like me. I’m so difficult.

May 6, 2020

It feels like I dropped out.

I’m not doing any school work. I missed my prom. I probably won't have a graduation ceremony. Worst part is, I didn’t drop out. I can’t just move on. I have to just sit with this.

I guess it's not hitting me as hard as some other people because I didn’t even plan to be alive this long so I was already prepared to miss them. It’ll probably hit me soon tho. I just won't let myself breakdown. Not yet.

May 8, 2020

Can I just say something?

I’m so fucking tired of being alone.

Not just cause quarantine, like in general. I want to be loved but I have to fuck everything up all the time, God why am I so stupid all the time?

And I don’t mean my friends just saying “oh I love you!” like no, thats nice, but at the end of the day that’s not the kind of love thats going to marry me, or hold me when I can’t sleep at night, or cook dinner with me.

I’m so tired of being undeserving and undesirable. What is wrong with me? What does everyone hate so much?

If I’m being honest, I cry every night because of this loneliness I feel. I just want it to stop.

May 10, 2020

My panic attacks are getting worse. For no reason.

I panic over things that 3 months ago I would've just pushed away. But now this isolation and fear is making everything so bad.

I started seeing things again. I started picking and twitching and shaking again. I haven't been this bad in a long time. How long before the thoughts come back? The urges? Will I be able to stop them this time? I hope so. I really hope.

May 13, 2020

So I’ve officially reverted back into my childhood state of watching old cartoons all day for any sort of serotonin. It's working a little ngl.

May 15, 2020

I picked up my yearbook today. I drove to my school and they handed it to me through a window. Can’t get it signed, can’t see anyone, can’t do anything.

I don't know if I have the strength to look through it right now knowing I might never see these kids again.

May 17, 2020

I had one of the worst episodes in a while today.

I saw this video and I don’t wanna talk about it cause I don't want to think about it but it made me twitch and shake for so long.

I couldn’t stop. I was so scared. I picked at my skin for a long time. I couldn't open my eyes. My head hurts from shaking for so long.

I just want to go to sleep.

May 20, 2020

My parents are so clueless. Do they really not know? Do they choose to look past it? Do they know and not want to say anything?

Can they not see that I’m not fucking okay?

There is no way they don’t notice how I twitch and shake and pick at my skin. They can’t ignore my tear soaked face almost daily. They might not see when I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and desperately try to calm myself. But they never ask me if I’m okay.

The answer is “no” if they ever decide to ask.

May 23, 2020

I’m official a high school graduate!

Though it doesn't really feel like it.

I drove to the school and picked up my diploma and that was it. A masked “congratulations” and a piece of paper and that was that.

Congrats to me though. I guess.

May 27, 2020

I feel so empty.

Actually, I don't feel anything.

I just sit here. I don't remember when I last ate. I haven’t gotten out of bed. Haven’t watched anything. Just thinking.

Today is not a good day.

I don't want to be alive today.

I just hope the urges stay at bay. I don't know if I can stop myself this time.

May 30, 2020

I wish I was dead.

Everything I love is being taken away from me.

I want to kill myself. I haven’t felt like this in years. Everything is only getting worse and I can't stop it.

I want to but I can’t. If I try and fail thats selfish cause I’d be taking up space in the hospital for people who actually need it.

I’m useless. I’m powerless. I want out.

May 31, 2020

I’m so sick. I’m so weak. My head is killing me.

I’m not sick, I just feel shitty. Not an uncommon feeling.

I don’t know how much longer I can fight off the urges.

I’m sorry.

I wish I was sick. It would make this whole thing easier. I feel like this will never end. I want out.

I’m sorry.

#newsies #newsies fic #newsies fanfic #fanfic #fic #musicals #musical fic #broadway #broadway fanfiction #race #race newsies #racetrack higgins #racetrack #racetrack newsies #high school au #newsies modern au #diary au #diary story #quarantine #angst #newsies angst #race angst #newsies race angst

[diningpageantry]

tag game(s)

anï (i’m too exhausted to do three separate posts but i was tagged in three tag games over the past few days and i’d forgotten to do the last few games i was tagged in and i feel super guilty so here they are in one go)

i don’t know who to tag to do these rn because my brain is dead i am emotionally exhausted and i’m writing a fic that’s about halfway done so i’m gonna say tag anyone who wants to be tagged for any of these. i’m so sorry that i’m dead, i will be back alive again after may 10th, which is my AP exam day

six questions challenge

tagged by @simon--speaks

rules: answer the questions, then tag 9 people you want to get to know better!

Q1: Relationship status?

single bby

Q2: Favorite color?

maroon !

Q3: Top 3 ships?

snowbaz (wow) and uh. wow. idk who else. i wanna say my own ocs matchstick and summer (is that allowed? i’m making it allowed)

Q4: Lipstick or chapstick?

whenever i get to this question in any ask i freeze up because i use a tinted chapstick so i don’t look dead but like. it can also be seen as a lipstick because it has pigment. but. chapstick.

Q5: Last song I listened to?

Run by Hozier

Q6: Last movie I watched?

uhhh i watched like. 5 minutes of the emperor’s new groove a few days ago, and watched a documentary about obscure houses like 10 minutes before that. so. i’m gonna say the house documentary.

21 questions

i was tagged by @simon--speaks, @angelsfalling16, @wo2ash, @alixanderthequeer, @sharkmartini and @bazypitchandsimonsnow

rules: answer 21 questions then tag 21 people

nickname: anï, munchkin, menina, and my hebrew name is elisheva

height: the doctor says i’m 5′3.5″, but they can’t put fractions on IDs so according to the state i’m 5′4″ and i cling to that

last movie i saw: see above (so like. funky houses)

last thing i googled: (next town over) movie tavern. i’m not saying where it is exactly bc hah i don’t wanna be stalked but. i was looking at movie times because they have $5 movies every tuesday

favorite musician: frank iero. love that funky rat man and his funky music too (i’m gonna see him for the second time next month because i made the executive adult decision to say fuck it to my seizures and go see him anyway)

song stuck in my head: i don’t have one rn but usually it’s a song by the killers (when you were young is a usual one)

other blogs: none, actually! i didn’t delete my old tumblr purely bc i’m a nostalgic dumbass, but it’s a completely different login and it’s inactive so i don’t count it.

followers: 1,666 (originally i wasn’t gonna share the number but it hit this last night and i was like heh. nice)

following: 231

amount of sleep: 8ish hours! (spring break bby)

lucky numbers: 7, multiples of 3 (only in cases of knocking), and multiples of 2 (only in cases like volume)

dream job: writing and illustrating books! i have a variety of dream jobs within art, and even within the subcategory of books, but my top dream job is creating inclusive/diverse children’s books that represent a variety different ethnicities/races, religions, abilities, and identities so that children can see themselves represented in media

what i’m wearing: a black turtleneck, a bra, and marvel boxers. that’s it.

favorite food: soup in general. i make a kick ass matzo ball soup

language: english, conversational portuguese, i know a small small bit of japanese (i should know more given i was raised being taught it but i always struggled with it), and i know some spanish. i also plan on teaching myself ASL.

can i play an instrument: yes! i’ve been playing violin since i was 2. i wanna play guitar and i know some chords but i have small hands so it’s hard to find one that’s the right size that isn’t a shitty children’s guitar, and i sing! i’m an alto

favorite song: hnnghg please don’t make me pick................ i’d have to say choke on one another by death spells

random fact: so like. if you didn’t know already, i’m an LGBTQ+ youth activist on a national scale. i disappear on occasion because i’m doing something or another, and sometimes i post about it on my blog (speaking of i have exciting news that i heard, but at the same time, i’m pretty much booked every weekend from middle of next month until middle of july), but........ i hate networking. i loathe it. if i never had to network again, i’d be thrilled. networking is my absolute least favorite thing because i struggle at everyday conversation, much less networking with people at least 10-20 years my senior. sure it’s usually free publicity and i get great connections, but god. at what cost? and like.... it’s always after a really emotionally taxing event, so i’m already drained and then wow here’s a room full of adults who want my 18 year old input. please. just let me steal a cupcake then leave.

describe yourself in aesthetic things: dye stained fingernails and necks. cranked open windows during a spring shower. dried tears and breaking laughs. coffee stains and milky tea splashes. trembling fingers, writing instead of speaking because you’re too afraid, and finally breaking free--running through the rain. scabbing blood, fresh piercings. knowing you’re loved and not saying it because it doesn’t need to be spoken. the smell of a new canvas, paint splattered jeans, and art school sweaters. black skirts with docs, then fairy lights and soft blankets hidden behind sharp profanities and harsh disgust. the unexpected. the unknown. the ever-changing, unstoppable force of the shifting tides. 

carry on questions

tagged by @goodbyedandelion, @isthisisagoodkiss @wo2ash, 

1- favorite type of scone? 

cranberry orange! one of the farms a county over has a market and they sell them there and they’re to die for (altho, i found a sour cherry scone recipe that i’ve perfected and my family loves them so they’re a close second now)

2- london or la?

i’ve never been to london, but i’m gonna have to go with london. i went to la last october to present in an awards show for my organization and i lowkey was underwhelmed. i’m very much a gloom and rain kinda person, and it was too dry and sunny there. although, i did think the huge succulents were sick as fuck. but yeah definitely london. i’m planning to spend a semester abroad there in a few years for an illustration program

3- kissing in a forest or holding hands under the stars?

i’m afraid of forests because we have a lot of wildlife and i don’t want to get mauled by a bear don’t mind me holding hands under the stars :)

4- jeans or suit?

suit suit suIT SUIT suit. i love wearing suits. my chest doesn’t cooperate and my hips always hate them but god i do love suits.

5- loose hair or pulled back hair?

mine looks better loose, and my sides/back are shaved but the top reaches my ears, so it gets annoying sometimes and i pull it up to keep it out of my face

6- vampires or dragons?

i wanna say both. i used to say “yknow a dragon but in human form would be hot” then i got called dragon fucker for like two years so out of pure spite i’m going with vampires.

7- what saying do you wish could be a spell?

(this one’s a very specific reference so hear me out) “i’ve got to go pee on her”  used to disorient and confuse the speech of the person casted upon. it’s one of my favorite quotes from scott pilgrim vs. the world (my favorite movie ngl) when scott’s brain can’t figure out two different sentences and he just says that. it’s so good and just fuckin weird that i love it.

8- which carry on character would you go on a coffee date with if you could?

depends tbh! if we’re talking date date, then penny because i would wife penny in 0.5 seconds, but if we’re talking friends getting coffee then 10000000% baz because i’d talk activism and identities with him

9- favorite carry on quote?

“he told me we would be stars” (i don’t have my book on me so i could be getting the line wrong), but it hit so hard for me. like it’s clear how davy manipulated lucy so much that she fell into it and couldn’t crawl out. it’s such a powerful message of control from those who are charismatic enough to hold it, and how sometimes we aren’t weak enough to let go.

10- how excited are you for wayward son?

lemme paint this picture: i started hyperventilating in the hallway when i found out, and then cried an hour or two later when my friend texted me that he preordered me a signed copy. like. i’ve been pre-planning how to get home from college to come and pick it up (okok the 24th is also my dad’s birthday so i’m. um. “coming home to visit him”, of course) because i’m just SO EXCITED to read them again in a canon way :’)

#anï rambles #tag game

[andwhatdostarsdobest]

28 Question Tag Game:

I was tagged by @tomhollanders2013 , @uglypastels and @sleepwalkingdragon . thank you my loves 💕

1. How tall are you?

5′7

2. What color and style is your hair?

it’s technically all blonde but i wouldn’t blame you for thinking the top is light brown. i have the bottom half dyed like a honey blonde and it comes to about midway down my back (this is short for me). it’s kinda wavy naturally but i always plait it overnight so it’s curly most of the time

3. What color are your eyes?

hazel, more green than brown and i have a dark ring around the outside of my iris, sometimes it looks green, sometimes brown. probably those and my hair are what i get complimented on the most (unless you’re my mum who won’t shut up about my smile)

4. Do you wear glasses?  i do, im supposed to wear them all the time cause im blind as hell but whoops

i got new ones in like the summer, so i’ll bless you with a photo

5. Do you wear braces?

no but i did for 2 years at school

6. What is your fashion style?

see my fashion sense is not the same as what i wear, mainly because im self-conscious and ive always thought certain clothes were only made for skinny girls (NOT TRUE). but this year one of the things i want to change is wearing a bigger variety of clothes. but i guess at the moment i wear shirts tucked into skirts and dresses mostly

7. Full name?

Alice (y’all don’t want to know my middle names they’re embarrassing) 

8. When were you born?

so long ago lmao (31.01.97)

9. Where are you from and where do you live now?

so i was born in london but i now live in norfolk (english countryside). but i desperately want to move  (and hopefully i will soon)

10. What school do you go to?

i graduated uni last year

11. What kind of student are you?

teacher’s pet bro. my worst fear was being shouted at by my teachers. i was always early to every lesson and generally did all my homework (not necessarily the night i got it but ya know). i had to try super hard at school because although im smart ive never been good at exams.i was that kid who started revising for june exams in february. i also didn’t realise i was dyslexic at school so that was a massive struggle for me. i’ve always liked to learn but yeah school was a bit of a struggle. i peaked in primary school (no seriously i was listed as gifted in ps and predicated a* in everything and then when i went to hs and sixth form i underperformed in all my exams- lmao yikes) but i graduated uni with a 2:1 so fuck the education system 

12. Do you like school?

hahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahah nah

13. What are your favorite school subjects?

probs english, history, business studies and psychology (not surprising those are the four i took for a-levels)

14. Favorite 📺 Shows?

b99, parks and rec, the office, the good place, luther, jane the virgin, greys anatomy, killing eve, definitely more im forgetting 

15. Favorite Movies?

stardust, kingsman, LOTR, about time, indiana jones, crazy rich asians, stand by me, tatbilb, dumplin’, wonder woman (loads more im forgetting)

16: Favorite 📚?

chaos walking trilogy (which is like the only book i had to read for school that i can still tolerate), the night circus, tatbilb, ready player one, the martian, hp series, the selection series, idk again more i cant think of off the top of my head

18: Do you have any regrets?  

mainly not being braver and believing in myself more. like its hard to come to terms with the fact that you didn’t truly start living until about 20/21

19: Dream Job?

god pls dont ask me this idk something to do with publishing and editing maybe (i love editing writing so ya know if you need a beta reader just hit me up lmao) also a fantasy job would be a wedding planner lmao, i have a scrapbook where i plan them in my spare time lmao

20:  Would you like to get married some day?

either or, im good with getting married or not. tbh what i want is the connection and commitment, for me marriage doesnt have to be an integral part of it but im not closed to the possibility either

21: Would you like to have kids some day?

yes

22: How many?

3 i think

23: Do you like shopping?

nah really a fan ngl, clothes shopping makes me feel uncomfortable 

24: What countries have you visited?

not that many tbh, i live in england and ive been to all the other countries in the uk, ive been to france, belgium, majorca and finland (i think that’s it)

25: What is the scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?

well i had this reoccurring nightmare as a kid where i was in a house that got invaded and i was murdered. but this is a whole thing okay, like i think it was a past life. i looked it up and there was an actual murder where every detail is the same as my dream and there are other similarities to my actual life and i used to see this man in my room who looks like the killer. anyway its a whole thing and for sure the reason home invasion is one of my all time biggest fears

26: Do you have any enemies?

no that i know of, i try to be nice to everybody and give them no reason to dislike me. if i have an enemy its definitely a one sided thing

27: Do you have any s/o?

i dont but i had a realisation the other day about one of my friends so like dont know what it means yet but ....

28: Do you believe in miracles?

eh

Tagging @thelazypangolin @tomhollandthirst @mysteryavengers @dtftomholland @hey-its-grey  

#al talks #tag game