#and maybe we’re codependent and rely on each other too much but it’s never bothered us | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zairapvrker · 4 years

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Hi! I'm quite new here so I just wanna say I love your little stories and stuff and if you're free could you maybe write one where Luke and the girl get into a fight over jelaousy and one breaks up with the other and it just gets overly emotional until one of them feels bad Sorry if it's too specific :)

thank u, hun! hope you’ll like this and thanks for requesting! sorry for the long wait 🤧

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The air in the car was tense as you drove back home. Luke had just picked you up from the little get together you just had with some of your friends and for some strange reason he’d been off ever since you stepped into the car. You preferred to stay silent waiting for him to say something - but he never did. His grip on the steering wheel was tighter than usual, and his free hand wasn’t holding yours.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” you asked, the frustration dripping from your tone, as soon as you stepped into the house.

“Nothing’s wrong” his voice was harsh, his words cold, as he carelessly threw his keys on the drawer and went straight to the bedroom. You huffed, quickly discarding your shoes and following him. “Clearly something’s bothering you and I just want to know what it is” you were now reasoning, not in the mood to raise your voice. He turned around as soon as you stepped into the room, his hands tugging at his hair. You saw how he was trying to hold back. “You really wanna know?”

Shaking your head in disbelief you let out “Of course I do! How can I help you if I don’t?”

“Well, I don’t know, maybe I should just go tell my best friend and not let you know about it” he spat viciously. You were taken aback by his statement, not fully understanding where his outburst was coming from. “What are you trying to say?” you asked, taking a step closer.

“I’m saying” he let out a frustrated sigh. “That since I’ve been back you’ve run to your friends for everything and barely spent time with me! You don’t talk to me anymore” behind the anger you could see the hurt, still you couldn’t understand what he was getting at.

“Are you saying I should be codependent from you, run to you for every little thing and never see or talk to my friends again?” you suggested, shocked.

“Of course not!” he exclaimed exasperated. “I’m saying that you can rely on me too and you haven’t been talking to me half as much as you used to”

“That’s a load of bullshit and you know it, Luke” you said firmly, looking at him right in the eyes.

“Alright then” he let his hands fall onto his waist. “How is it that for every little thing that happenes and you need help for you run to Y/F/N and not me?”

“Are you jealous of them?!” you asked incredulous.

“Well, maybe I am!” he let out, his hands flying to the ceiling. “I’m supposed to be the one helping you and being by your side but you don’t even give me the chance to”

You stared at him wide-eyed, not believing the words that were leaving his mouth. “Where is this coming from?” you asked in a small voice, not wanting to sound accusing in hopes of not upsetting him any more. He just looked at you, the weight of his gaze so heavy it almost crushed you. “You’ve been spending an awful lot of time with them” he said his voice just as small as yours. You shook your head as you felt tears burning in your eyes. “So that’s what you think of me?” holding back the tears was proving to be an harder task than expected, your voice shaking.

“I don’t know what to think right now” he looked down at the floor as you felt your hear breaking. “Look at me, Luke” your voice a whisper. He slowly lifted his blue eyes up to meet yours, just as teary and red. “I would never do something like that to you, to anyone, and you know it”

“I can’t do this right now” he shook his head. “I need time” Luke started walking out of the room back to the front door.

“Time for what?” you scoffed, following him once again. He turned around, facing you. “Maybe we just need a breather. You haven’t been yourself since I’ve been back, it feels like I don’t know you” his words hit you harder than a slap in the face, making you stop dead in your tracks. You felt the anger boil inside of you, making you clench your fists.

“I had to rely on my friends for months while you were away because you never had enough time to talk to me and never once did I blame you for it because I know what your job requires. I never held you culpable for any of it” you raised your voice, diminishing the distance between the two of you. “So excuse me if I still want to talk to my friends while also making up for lost time with you” you poked his chest with your index, as warm tears made their way down your cheeks.

“Save your tears, I’m done here” he said turning around again, while shaking his head.

“Yeah, walk away instead of talking to me like an adult!” you yelled after him as he slammed the door shut, and like that you were left hanging in the silence as you felt your heart crumble to pieces and a sob rip through you, followed by countless ones.

Luke hadn’t called, texted or answered your messages for three days. You’d been miserable, thinking over and over about your fight, trying to understand how it all went wrong. You had analysed your behaviour since he came back but nothing had helped to give you peace of mind.

On the other hand, he hadn’t been doing any better than you. He’d been staying at Ashton’s and it took him less then five minutes to understand how stupid and hot headed he’d been. His friend was also aiding him in the quest of understanding where he’d been wrong. Luke hadn’t had the courage to pick up his phone when you were calling or answer any of your texts, but that changed today.

He made his way back to your apartment early in the morning, the guilt not allowing him to sleep any longer past seven. His hands were shaking as he unlocked the door. Your head instantly turned to see him walk in, freezing in your spot on the couch. He didn’t say anything, just came in and sat on the opposite end of the couch.

“Hi” he said in a whisper. You turned the tv off, looking at him. “If you want to pick up your stuff you can, I’ll just-“

“No, I’m not here for that” he cut you off immediately, his heart hurting at the thought of you wanting him out. Was he too late? “I wanted to talk”

If you would’ve had it in you, you would’ve laughed. You nodded and he kept on talking.

“I’m sorry for what I said” he started. “I didn’t mean any of it. I know you and I know you wouldn’t cheat, I was just feeling left out of your world because it feels like so much has changed since I left and I only knew half of what happened” he sighed and looked at you. “I know I’m not always available while I’m away and I’m willing to try and do better, because you deserve it”

It felt like the air had been knocked out of your lungs. “I’ll take any chance you’re willing to give me” he ended, wanting to hold your hand but refraining in case you wouldn’t want to. “I was an asshole”

The ghost of a smile formed on your lips at that. You took a big breath of air before speaking. “I was wrong too. I should’ve tried harder to communicate instead of only running to my friends. You were right, you’re supposed to be the one I share everything with” you saw his eyes brighten in hope. “We’re not broken, Lu, we can do better if we try”

Luke’s heart was soaring in joy as he scooted closer to you and hugged you tight. His head fell to rest in the crook of your neck as he breathed you in. “I’m sorry” you said, your hand playing with his curls. “Me too” his voice muffled. The both of you giggled, hope blossoming in your hearts. “I love you” you promised to each other, ready to do better.

#luke hemmings #luke robert hemmings #luke hemmings blurb #luke hemmings oneshot #luke hemmings imagine #luke hemmings x you #luke hemmings x reader #luke 5sos #luke 5 seconds of summer #5 seconds of summer imagine #5sos imagine #5 seconds of summer blurb #michael clifford #calum hood #ashton irwin #request #blurb

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sunflowersandcerulean · 6 years

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1. Be together for the right reasons

I asked people who were on their second or third (or fourth) marriages what they did wrong. Where did they mess up?

By far, the most common answer was “being with the person for the wrong reasons.”

Some of these wrong reasons included:

Pressure from friends and family

Feeling like a “loser” because they were single and settling for the first person that came along

Being together for image—because the relationship looked good on paper (or in photos), not because the two people actually admired each other

Being young and naive and hopelessly in love and thinking that love would solve everything

As we’ll see throughout the rest of this article, everything that makes a relationship “work” (and by work, I mean that it is happy and sustainable for both people involved) requires a genuine, deep-level admiration for each other. Without that mutual admiration, everything else will unravel.

2. Have realistic expectations about relationships and romance

You are absolutely not going to be absolutely gaga over each other every single day for the rest of your lives, and all this “happily ever after” bullshit is just setting people up for failure.

Romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other’s faults long enough to get some babymaking done. It generally only lasts for a few years at most.

True love—that is, deep, abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy—is a choice. It’s a constant commitment to a person regardless of the present circumstances. It’s a commitment to a person who you understand isn’t going to always make you happy—nor should they!—and a person who will need to rely on you at times, just as you will rely on them.

3. The most important factor in a relationship is not communication, but respect

Communication, no matter how open, transparent and disciplined, will always break down at some point. Conflicts are ultimately unavoidable, and feelings will always be hurt.

And the only thing that can save you and your partner, that can cushion you both to the hard landing of human fallibility, is an unerring respect for one another, the fact that you hold each other in high esteem, believe in one another—often more than you each believe in yourselves—and trust that your partner is doing his/her best with what they’ve got.

4. Talk openly about everything, especially the stuff that hurts

If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it. Saying it builds trust and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it. No one else can fix your relationship for you. Nor should anyone else.

5. A healthy relationship means two healthy individuals

Understand that it is up to you to make yourself happy, it is NOT the job of your spouse.

Shitty, codependent relationships have an inherent stability because you’re both locked in an implicit bargain to tolerate the other person’s bad behavior because they’re tolerating yours, and neither of you wants to be alone.

A healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy individuals. Keyword here: “individuals.” That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, on their own time.

6. Give each other space

Be sure you have a life of your own, otherwise it is harder to have a life together. What do I mean? Have your own interests, your own friends, your own support network, and your own hobbies. Overlap where you can, but not being identical should give you something to talk about and expose one another to. It helps to expand your horizons as a couple, but isn’t so boring as both living the exact same life.

– Anonymous

7. You and your partner will grow and change in unexpected ways; embrace it

One theme that came up repeatedly, especially with those married 20+ years, was how much each individual changes as the decades roll on, and how ready each of you have to be to embrace the other partner as these changes occur. One reader commented that at her wedding, an elderly family member told her, “One day many years from now, you will wake up and your spouse will be a different person, make sure you fall in love with that person too.

8. Get good at fighting

What Gottman does is he gets married couples in a room, puts some cameras on them, and then he asks them to have a fight.

Notice: he doesn’t ask them to talk about how great the other person is. He doesn’t ask them what they like best about their relationship.

He asks them to fight. Pick something they’re having problems with and talk about it for the camera.

And from simply analyzing the film for the couple’s discussion (or shouting match, whatever), he’s able to predict with startling accuracy whether a couple will divorce or not.

But what’s most interesting about Gottman’s research is that the things that lead to divorce are not necessarily what you think. Successful couples, like unsuccessful couples, he found, fight consistently. And some of them fight furiously.

He has been able to narrow down four characteristics of a couple that tend to lead to divorces (or breakups). He has gone on and called these “the four horsemen” of the relationship apocalypse in his books. They are:

Criticizing your partner’s character (“You’re so stupid” vs “That thing you did was stupid”)

Defensiveness (or basically, blame shifting, “I wouldn’t have done that if you weren’t late all the time”)

Contempt (putting down your partner and making them feel inferior)

Stonewalling (withdrawing from an argument and ignoring your partner)

The reader emails back this up as well. Out of the 1,500-some-odd emails, almost every single one referenced the importance of dealing with conflicts well.

Advice given by readers included:

Never insult or name-call your partner. Put another way: hate the sin, love the sinner. Gottman’s research found that “contempt”—belittling and demeaning your partner—is the number one predictor of divorce.

Do not bring previous fights/arguments into current ones. This solves nothing and just makes the fight twice as bad as it was before. Yeah, you forgot to pick up groceries on the way home, but what does him being rude to your mother last Thanksgiving have to do with anything?

If things get too heated, take a breather. Remove yourself from the situation and come back once emotions have cooled off a bit. This is a big one for me personally—sometimes when things get intense with my wife, I get overwhelmed and just leave for a while. I usually walk around the block two or three times and let myself seethe for about 15 minutes. Then I come back and we’re both a bit calmer and we can resume the discussion with a much more conciliatory tone.

Remember that being “right” is not as important as both people feeling respected and heard. You may be right, but if you are right in such a way that makes your partner feel unloved, then there’s no real winner.

9. Get good at forgiving

To me, perhaps the most interesting nugget from Gottman’s research is the fact that most successful couples don’t actually resolve all of their problems. In fact, his findings were completely backwards from what most people actually expect: people in lasting and happy relationships have problems that never completely go away, while couples that feel as though they need to agree and compromise on everything end up feeling miserable and falling apart.

To me, like everything else, this comes back to the respect thing. If you have two different individuals sharing a life together, it’s inevitable that they will have different values and perspectives on some things and clash over it. The key here is not changing the other person—as the desire to change your partner is inherently disrespectful (to both them and yourself)—but rather it’s to simply abide by the difference, love them despite it, and when things get a little rough around the edges, to forgive them for it.

10. The little things add up to big things

Of the 1,500 responses I got, I’d say about half of them mentioned at some point or another one simple but effective piece of advice: Don’t ever stop doing the little things. They add up.

Things as simple as saying, “I love you,” before going to bed, holding hands during a movie, doing small favors here and there, helping with some household chores. Even cleaning up when you accidentally pee on the toilet seat (seriously, someone said that)—these things all matter and add up over the long run.

11. Sex matters… a LOT

But sex not only keeps the relationship healthy, many readers suggested that they use it to heal their relationships. That when things are a bit frigid between them or that they have some problems going on, a lot of stress, or other issues (i.e., kids), they even go so far as to schedule sexy time for themselves. They say it’s important. And it’s worth it.

12. Be practical, and create relationship rules

Then there’s how relationships actually work.

Messy. Stressful. Miscommunication flying everywhere so that both of you feel as though you’re in a perpetual state of talking to a wall.

The fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. And it’s for the simple reason that they’re comprised of imperfect, messy people—people who want different things at different times in different ways and oh, they forgot to tell you? Well, maybe if you had been listening, asshole.

The common theme of the advice here was “Be pragmatic.” If the wife is a lawyer and spends 50 hours at the office every week, and the husband is an artist and can work from home most days, it makes more sense for him to handle most of the day-to-day parenting duties. If the wife’s standard of cleanliness looks like a Home & Garden catalog, and the husband has gone six months without even noticing the light fixture hanging from the ceiling, then it makes sense that the wife handles more of the home cleaning duties.

It’s economics 101: division of labor makes everyone better off. Figure out what you are each good at, what you each love/hate doing, and then arrange accordingly. My wife loves cleaning (no, seriously), but she hates smelly stuff. So guess who gets dishes and garbage duty? Me. Because I don’t give a fuck. I’ll eat off the same plate seven times in a row. I couldn’t smell a dead rat even if it was sleeping under my pillow. I’ll toss garbage around all day. Here honey, let me get that for you.

13. Learn to ride the waves

The man said something like, “relationships exist as waves, people need to learn how to ride them.” Upon asking him to explain, he said that, like the ocean, there are constant waves of emotion going on within a relationship, ups and downs—some waves last for hours, some last for months or even years. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship—people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money. Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you simply end up with each other.

#relationships #love #marriage #markmanson

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silkthreaded-blog · 7 years

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[21/09/2016 18:52:47] vicky: alright, lauren; seeing as you softblocked me on twitter, i’m taking this as my invitation to dump this all on you.

i’m annoyed, i’m upset, and i’m pissed off.

i’m sure pam already told you exactly what i said, because i asked her to, but i’m going to go ahead and explain everything to you and give you my feelings on everything. i’m blocking you everywhere after i send this, so don’t even bother trying to respond to me or trying to contact me, not even through our mutual friends. don’t take this outside of anyone who already knows about it either, because i’m not opening my mouth about this except to my small group of friends that know (bc i need to vent, and i’d imagine you do too), so i’d appreciate it if you kept this private. because if not, i will gaslight you for violating my privacy, i’m not going to tolerate this from anyone anymore, not after anja. this isn’t a negotiation or a confrontation, this is just me giving you information that i want you to know and i’m leaving it at that. for the longest time, i’ve had a bad opinion of you, and when we talked it out i thought we had the opportunity to build a friendship on top of that. but i guess you didn’t think so, and you were being nice to me simply for the sake of being nice rather than any desire to get to know me. and from what you’ve seen, you don’t really like me; not to say you ever said this (but i wouldn’t care if you really did not like me, you could’ve said so instead of wasting my time), but you said that we would never get along which pretty much made the implication. but, i’m not here to put words into your mouth. i’m saying this because i wanted to find a solution for all parties involved, and you refused it. i’m going to explain to you why that made me very, very angry; we’re at a level where i’m never going to forgive you for this, and i have no hope in the future for any sort of even neutral relationship. you’ve wronged me severely in the past and i was willing to let that go in order to forgive you, and every time we tried to work out those issues, it felt like i was the one who had to apologize. i was in a bad place mentally when that entire wankfest first happened, but i was TRYING to get better, and having my entire friend group sit on my back and demonize meand make me out to be a horrible person didn’t help. i was suicidal and i did NOTHING to any of you, but every time i went to fix the problem, it was always ME having to apologize. you all wronged me, and i forgave everyone in the end after i got the help i needed. when we recently talked over anja, you fully had my forgiveness, and i thought we could potentially be friends. i’m spacy and i have a problem with forgetting to message people; just because i didn’t frequently talk to you didn’t mean i disliked you. but now, i’m not interested in any further contact BECAUSE i’m extremely angry about this entire thing, so now it’s safe to make that assumption.

i agree, lauren. we don’t get along, but i didn’t want that to be the case. every time i think we find an even ground, somehow i still get cheated out of something, and i’m tired of it. i’m not going to continue to be silent about this, considering you already know about it anyway.

pam was my best friend, i was hers, and you knew that. everyone in the group knew that we were inseparable. before it was the group with amy and beth and everyone else, it was me and pam. that group thing made our friendship suffer because pam contributed to that nasty mob mentality, but she apologized for it and felt horrible because I WAS HER BEST FRIEND and she knew she wronged someone who meant so much to her. when i dropped everyone to deal with my issues, you stepped in and you essentially took my place. there’s no other way i could possibly word this, you literally replaced me. and i got depressed over it. pam said that you didn’t replace me, but i’m not an idiot. the frequent skype calls and chatting? all the matching blogs? the matching twitters? hm.

i went to pam and i expressed that i wanted her to make more time for me -- i’m positive she relayed all of my feelings on the matter to you, but i’m going to explain everything to you myself, so there are no misunderstandings. i said that i was jealous. i said that the matching stuff constantly in my face reminded me of the friendship i used to have with her, and it upset me realizing that we didn’t have that anymore. i don’t know if you’re aware lauren, but pam and i used to call with each other literally every day. she messaged me every morning when i got ready for school and she called me immediately when i got home. every day. and we called every day on the weekends. i was the person who helped her settle out her sexuality and romantic preferences, i helped her with her mom. i helped her with gabe, i was there for all of it in the beginning. i was her best friend. i explained to pam that i missed having this relationship, and i wanted it back. HOWEVER, i explained that i wasn’t interested in casting you out/pushing you aside, and i wanted to try to do a trio thing so no one felt left out and so we can grow more comfortable around each other/get to know each other, and also have a skype call to discuss everything, and pam agreed with the idea. you didn’t. you didn’t even want to. the only thing you agreed to was the three-way call, but let me tell you why i refused to do it after you told me no. why in the everliving fuck would i want to have a call with you and talk about my feelings of replacement and inadequacy if there was no benefit? what would telling you my feelings do to help me? because as far as i know, you would continue to behave the same after the fact and so would pam, so i didn’t see the point in wanting to waste my time. not to mention, hearing that you said no to the friend idea because we ‘don’t get along’ really ground my gears in more ways than i could possibly describe, because i really thought we could’ve turned our entire relationship around. in an instant, you proved me wrong, and you made me realize that i have no reason to even try to like you because you obviously feel similarly in that department when it comes to me. [21/09/2016 18:52:50] vicky: you said that you were afraid i would replace you, according to what pam told me, and that is where i lead into my second to last point: you feeling like i’m a threat is not fair to me. period. you have no right to say that you’re afraid i’m going to replace you when i was expressing my sadness in the fact that you had replaced me. i think that’s what made me the most angry. in the context of the situation, i felt replaced and to hear that you’re afraid i’ll replace you really made my blood boil. it felt like you replaced me, and when i told pam about this entire problem, i said that i DIDN’T want to push you out (i shouldn’t have been a threat to you), so you having that fear and/or anxiety really pisses me the fuck off. pam told me that she loves us all equally, but i explained to her that it didn’t look like that from an outside perspective, and it definitely didn’t feel like that. and you saying that you were afraid i would replace you was the icing on the cake for me. I FEEL REPLACED BY YOU. I FEEL LIKE I LOST MY BEST FRIEND BECAUSE OF YOU. and i’m allowed to be angry about it. i would say that you’re also allowed to have those feelings if i didn’t already tell pam that i wasn’t interested in making you feel left out. i’m not an asshole, i was never going to take her away from you, but thanks for having that fear, because it made me feel like shit when pam told me.

now, i’m onto my last point. i’m speaking about this one without my personal emotions, whether or not you’d like to believe that; but, your relationship with pam is extremely unhealthy. without revealing too much information, even hinnie was worried about your unhealthy attachment to pam. i was worried about your unhealthy attachment to pam; at least three other people besides us were concerned about it. it’s one thing for me to be jealous and to just say this, but it’s another for people to bring it up on their own to me without me having to even say it first to prompt it out of them. every person who told me this told me completely unprompted, they mentioned it when i explained this entire situation to them. i told pam that she should tell you herself, but that if she didn’t, i would. so here i am. when i talked to pam about this, i told her that she needed to learn how to spend her time without feeling like she needs to cater to people, and that you need to learn how to spend your time on your own. your level of dependency on pam is unhealthy and it’s not working for you, pam, or everyone else around you. as a result of this codependency, pam is taking a longer time growing and developing (she’s turning 17 soon, she NEEDS this time to herself most importantly) and you don’t know what to do when she’s not around. you have a lot of things going on that you need to deal with; maybe you ARE dealing with them, i don’t know, but lauren, you need help. not just a friend, but you need to work on finding a way to cope with your mental illness without the presence of a friend. pam’s getting busy with school and she’s getting stressed out, she shouldn’t be spending every second of every day trying to communicate with you because her life comes first, and you need to respect that. before you call my hypocritical because i used to talk to pam everyday, that’s different. her workload was not the same back then, and even then i encouraged she did her work. she’s a high school junior now, she literally can’t afford to be slacking during this year because it’s the hardest + it’s the year that counts. and when she’s NOT available for whatever reason, you need to learn how to redirect your attention instead of relying on other people. it’s fine to have friends, but you need to reconsider whether or not you should use them as crutches when they have their own lives to figure out still. i’m not talking about my jealousy, bc even after i calmed down about this entire thing, i still believed it: your codependency with pam is unhealthy and you need to figure out how to deal with it in a way that improves your mental health. i’ve expressed my discomfort about this and my concern to pam, and if pam really does care about your wellbeing, she’ll work on this too for the greater good. because i sure as hell won’t stop bringing it up when i feel i need to.

anyway, long story short, this is where i stand on the matter. i’m going to work on what i need to do to improve my happiness. if i need to drop pam for it, then so be it, but i don’t really want to. and i shouldn’t have to because someone got anxious about me replacing them when i said i never would. actually, i shouldn’t have to drop pam, period. if you respect me even a little, you should be considerate of my feelings and work on yourself + try to leave some wiggle room for me as well. when i said i didn’t want to replace you, that was me being considerate of your feelings. the part of me that still held a good opinion of you would’ve hoped for the same thing.

sorry for dumping this on you, and if this caused any kind of panic attack, i’m sorry. i genuinely am. but i’m not going to keep my mouth shut about this anymore; i��m taking action, and you need to be prepared for it.

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