#and that might have been worse tbh

[pearl-kite]

I forgot to request today off from work for my birthday so alas, stuck at both jobs until 8pm, but I got a free coffee, I feel pretty for once, it's my zodiac year, and I might get cake at the second job, so hey it kind of balances out

#kite rambles #also my parents are out of state and friend are busy so if it weren't for work i probably wouldn't see anyone #and that might have been worse tbh #i also might finish my vega/warden pic tonight 👀 #debating shading vs flats #i love this paper texture but it kind of makes flats look better than shading? #which is almost a bummer considering how much shading I've done that might go to waste v_v

[brother-emperors]

ANTONY cry 'havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war

earlier in my script (which is not Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar), Antony refers to Dolabella as one of his ‘dogs of war’ when talking to Cassius (which IS a reference to Shakespeare’s JC), and it comes back around after Cicero writes to Cassius and informs him of Trebonius’ fate

While these things were taking place at Rome, Cassius and Brutus were collecting troops and money, and Trebonius, governor of the province of Asia, was fortifying his towns for them. [...] Trebonius, who was captured in bed, told his captors to lead the way to Dolabella, saying that he was willing to follow them. One of the centurions answered him facetiously, "Go where you please, but you must leave your head behind here, for we are ordered to bring your head, not yourself." With these words the centurion immediately cut off his head, and early in the morning Dolabella ordered it to be displayed on the praetor's chair where Trebonius was accustomed to transact public business. Since Trebonius had participated in the murder of Caesar by detaining Antony in conversation at the door of the Senate-house while the others killed him, the soldiers and camp-followers fell upon the rest of his body with fury and treated it with every kind of indignity. They rolled his head from one to another in sport along the city pavements like a ball till it was completely crushed. This was the first of the murderers who received the meed of his crime, and thus vengeance overtook him.

App. Civil Wars III. 26

For Dolabella is in Syria, and, as you have foreseen in your prophetic soul and have foretold, Cassius will crush him while they are on their way. For Dolabella has had the gates of Antioch shut in his face and got a good beating in trying to storm it. Not trusting in any other city, he has betaken himself to Laodicea, on the sea-coast of Syria. There I hope he will speedily pay the penalty of his crime: for he has no place of refuge, nor will he much longer be able there to stand out against an army as large as that of Cassius. I even hope that Dolabella has by this time been overpowered and crushed.

Cic. Fam. 12.14

Place then before your eyes, O conscript fathers, that spectacle, miserable indeed, and tearful, but still indispensable to rouse your minds properly: the nocturnal attack upon the most beautiful city in Asia; the irruption of armed men into Trebonius’s house, when that unhappy man saw the swords of the robbers before he heard what was the matter; the entrance of Dolabella, raging,—his ill-omened voice, and infamous countenance,—the chains, the scourges, the rack, the armourer who was both torturer and executioner; all which they say that the unhappy Trebonius endured with great fortitude. A great praise, and in my opinion indeed the greatest of all, for it is the part of a wise man to resolve beforehand that whatever can happen to a brave man is to be endured with patience if it should happen.

Cicero, Philippic 11

Philippi and Perusia, Ronald Syme

ko-fi⭐ bsky ⭐ pixiv ⭐ pillowfort ⭐ cohost ⭐ cara.app

#the actual line cassius has here is 'tell mark antony im going to kill his fucking dog' but it doesn't work without the context #of antony earlier calling dolabella one of his dogs. so. i have edited it slightly to provide that context #this is also the one thing that cassius doesn't forgive brutus for because it's brutus who wanted antony left alive #and the dots are simply that if antony was dead then trebonius would not be #brutus can get away with everything else in the name of love. but not that one #(i'll do anything for love but i wont do that etc) #you might say. hey. it doesn't seem like you like brutcass very much. incorrect! i love it a lot! i just want to make them worse #also one of the most romantic scenes ive ever watched in my life in a show was a breakup scene and ive been chasing that high #ever since. but mostly i think theres a tragedy to brutus’ decision making and there should be narrative consequences #roman republic tag #komiks tag #drawing tag #gaius cassius longinus #marcus junius brutus #gore cw #In appian’s text. it’s pretty gnarly tbh

[n7punk]

what's the worst thing you watched and kept up with (at least for a while) because you were gay and begging for scraps? mine was probably pretty little liars

#what was her name? emily? whatever it was i was a simp for the lesbian character on PLL #and put up with three seasons of fucking Nonsense for it #words and things #i say 'probably' because there are worse shows i watched for various girls that i had crushes on over the years #but thats a different kind of simping. i didnt watch them for girl kissing i watched them for a girl who i knew was probably straight #gay #lesbian #bisexual #<- yall got it the worst half of these things were subtly biphobic too #oh god does anyone remember that show where the MC was a succubi but didn't know about monsters #so she thought she was just a freak and was always on the run until the monster world finds one of her kills and hunts Her down #and she ends up. idk working at a monster bar and helping her Monster Cop boytoy hunt runaway monsters? or something? #listen what i remember from that is how badly i wanted her and her simp (female roommate maybe?) to fuck instead #and i swear they queerbaited me a little. but i might have just been delusional tbh

[cyberpunkboytoy]

Today in Shining Nikki: the player cuts infected flesh out of a wounded man to stop the rot from spreading

#At first I straight up thought they were gonna make Nikki amputate #tbh this might have been worse #I love to gouge out skin in my fashion games #shining nikki #shining nikki spoilers

[23meteorstreet]

charlie kelly - season 16

#iasip #it's always sunny in philadelphia #charlie kelly #charlie day #my gifs #s16 spoilers #sorry if this sucks photoshop keeps deleting all my settings :( #gonna be real... i know they were prob trying to balance things out bc s15 had a bunch of charlie stuff #but man there werent enough good charlie moments this season :( #(or at least not stuff i really enjoyed) #i have a dee one coming up tomorrow (not even gonna get into how much worse this season was for her) #& then i think after that im taking a sunny gifmaking break for a bit #i love making these (and im planning on coming to them eventually) but theyre a lot of work #and tbh ive been thinking i need to spend less time on tumblr/sunny stuff bc im just not having as much fun as i used to #& i know i'll enjoy it again eventually tho bc my brain likes to cycle thru the same 5 interests year after year (lol) #just have 2 get there again!!! which might take a bit of time #might still be on all the time. might not. #might be a little more multifandom might make gifs or fanart for other stuff (dont wanna scare everyone off tho) #idk at this point but i felt like i needed to get it out there ya kno #kinda gotta figure out some things. like how to have an actual social life & finding time to make art & not feel overwhelmed all the time. #speaking of art maybe i'll start updating my art blog lol #anyway... gonna be fun when i do come back to these to try to find them to add the links

[new-haven-psych-ward]

so I realized the main four geats riders could all be tracked to the four stages of grief and the lamentation arc went hard so:

#kamen rider geats #psych scribbles #yeah so originally i was just drawing everyone at their lowest moment #slash when the opposite (emotion-wise) of their wishes seemed to manifest #and then i realized it was all lamentation arc #which yknow tracks #could i have chosen a different keiwa death? #yeah but i never claimed to be smart and the bubbles are aesthetic #plus if i did his first elimination id want him in his rider suit and i wasnt gonna put myself through that #also i originally had michinaga post-fight with the producer #but then i realized a) the piece was mid #and b) everything else was from lamentation arc so might as well try for cohesion #technically i couldve drawn him with jyamato!toru #but tbh the man's been through worse? #like michinaga's breaking point was pre-series that's why he's making Choices rn #also yes ofc i wrote out all of ace's wishes and then corrupted them to the point their illegible #why would i do anything else #anyways this interestingly means everyone is suffering while buffa is thriving so there's that

[itslookingback]

:/

#my experience so far with uni has kind of been: #my mind shouting ''am i doing enough. is this normal. i should be doing more. i should be more extroverted'' #but unfortunately i am not more extroverted #guy who never did anything social on weekends before uni now realising that this might have been a bad idea #i don't want myself to become so isolated from other people #but i genuinely don't know what to do #i don't drink. i don't like going out in the evenings (unless there's a quiz). the other queer people i know are more extroverted than me. #i'm sure they're lovely everything just feels intimidating #it just feels like everything is happening a little bit wrong #did the people who said uni is meant to be the best years consider that i am just a bit too autistic for this statement to be true to me #i'm tired of feeling trapped tbh #it's so stupid. i know that the worst that can happen is having an awkward time #i knew i was going to have a worse time at uni than other people but augh. #i KNOW i'm bad at making friends and being in friend groups. i know. i'm just tired #it's not looking good for me when i'm not in uni anymore i'm not gonna lie. if i'm struggling a lot now #teehee #anyway. i should sleep. i'm tired and need to get up early #it's just the second month. it's ok. i'm sure other people are feeling like this as well

[emsloe]

mildly graphic medical content warning

had a very harrowing visit to the surgery center today during which my surgeon had to get a bunch of 4-day-old coagulated blood out of my pecs via massaging them aggressively, reopening an incision, and stuffing some gauze into said incision. Most disturbing part to me right now is that I can feel the gauze under my skin, and he wants me to rip it out tomorrow... was informed complications like this are more common if you have more muscle, and if it doesn't resolve by wednesday he will have to operate on me again.

he also put the wrap back on so tight that my ribs feel bruised. augh

he told me i was very stoic during the whole thing but frankly it was pretty gross. Ended up with apparently ~200ccs of clotted blood out of my problem side. This was a complication from a few hours after surgery, but I was too out of it to call them about it, and wasn't able to get it looked at til today due to the holiday, but it had been slowly reducing til today so I'm optimistic - fingers crossed I don't need that second operation.

I have extra aftercare instructions for now and will be back in the center on Wednesday so he can see how it's going

I know it's gonna be so so worth it in the end, but man I hate recovery. This sucks supremely.

#top surgery adventures amiright #having a lot of muscle might simultaneously make your results better and complications worse is what people seem to be telling me #I am mildly concerned about extended recovery times and paying rent tbh. plus if there's extra fees with another op... pray for me lmfao #posting this for science tbh it was overall very interesting; I just wish I didn't have to watch all that going down on my own chest #genuinely the most gory experience I've had with my own body. #surge talks #also everyone who's seen my chest so far has been like 'sure the swelling is bad but wow those incisions look amazing' #and I relayed this to the surgeon and he was like 'yeah i know.' not in a rude way just like 'yeah obviously i am aware i am good' energy #very funny to me

[13eyond13]

.

#here's some of the classics on that list i have beef with btw: #i have tried to read A Confederacy of Dunces several times and it's funny but it's also so cringe and Ignatius is so obnoxious #that i find it too difficult to finish like i just feel depressed and bad for everybody around him too much #i tried reading Infinite Jest like a decade ago and i got like 200 pages in and i remember thinking it felt like #such a slog the entire time because he's just so gd wordy and also i stopped liking DFW after i heard the abuse allegations against him #frankenstein i didnt read that long ago but i just remember finding it so boring for some reason?? i feel i might need to read it again #dracula ngl i feel like im cheating a bit saying ive completely read it because i loved the beginning and then HATED so much of the rest #the characters were just so boring and melodramatic hahaha i just liked the part where jonathan was doing a travel diary #and trapped in the castle tbh and after that i skimmed quite a bit #i almost flipped my shit when i saw ender's game on there because I ALWAYS mix it up with ready player one by ernest cline #which i bought the audiobook of a while back and hated every minute of it i dont think its good at all #but it wasnt that so phew my faith in this list is somewhat restored #i read most of the first game of thrones book and was disappointed tbh maybe because id seen the show already #so i was like 'this feels almost exactly the same except worse?' because i'd been expecting it to give me more depth and insight #into the characters but instead it felt exactly the same and i still didnt love any of the characters enough to feel attached to them #also i am fully aware me not personally liking or vibing with a book doesnt mean it doesnt deserve to be considered great btw #but i think if youre gonna be like me and force yourself to go through a bunch of lists like this very seriously then you also need to just #let yourself be like 'yeah not for me' without feeling too bad about it sometimes too #often times i dont particularly love the classics or 'important books' but at the same time #i still feel like im getting more out of reading them than just grabbing the newest hyped up books that also dont do anything for me #maybe not in a 'wow i loved reading this' way but in like a #'i now have first-hand knowledge of this thing that is so influential / so frequently referenced' #or 'this challenged me and i feel like i did a mental/emotional workout or gave me some new food for thought' #or 'made me more aware of what gaps in my knowledge and reading skills and what my tastes are too' #sort of way... #it really just depends on what you're reading for and why and what you're hoping to get out of it a lot of the time maybe #it's like the homework i give myself to go through these lists that i also intersperse with the stuff i read more just for fun #p

[i-amarobot]

Crocheted mum a peace lily for mother's Day lol

#ok i feel like these pics make it look worse than it is lol #really enjoying crocheting little things atm #started crochetting a little tshirt mockneck thingy and omg i have given up with only half the front done #might pick it up again but i am falling into the belief that crochet is good for little really structured bits #and knitting is good for big loosy goosy butst #have been really intl crocheting daffodil's atm #gave mum one to give yo her friend and she wrote me a thank yiu card #which was the sweetest and i will treasure for ever #i just love making things for people tbh

[daz4i]

you ever met a guy so dumb and talentless he couldn't even cut himself right?

#well now you have bc you are following this tumblr blog and that guy is me #at least it gave me some edge and i might be able to fall asleep soon #bc tbh that was the goal here 🧐 bc my brain won't shut up #liveblogging my mental breakdown on tumblr dot com #self harm // #today has been really really bad. which is saying a lot bc i got to spend time with my friends and usually that's enough to make a day good #everything else was just THAT bad to make it not count #and a lot of what happened makes me wanna move out but when i start thinking of that i start spiraling bc i know i can't #and this puts me in this self hate loop again which makes my brain louder and everything even worse #so. now i can't sleep #I'm so tired. not just sleep tired. life tired. I'm lowkey considering taking a bunch of pills now in hopes i won't wake up #but h I'm too fat for that to do anything. it'll probably just give me a headache and fuck up my liver long term like the last time i tried #sigh. i hate being alive. not that I'd consider any of what i do living

[rahabs]

My brain apparently picked “right before my sister’s birthday dinner” as the time to have a complete meltdown. I hate this.

#A lot has been going on guys I’m sorry #The job hunt is going like shit #My sister left her partner who has turned into an abusive shithead so now everything is a mess #I’ve been gaining weight again and so I hate my appearance and my body #And I just feel ugly and inadequate and like a Colossal Failure because that is what I am lbr. #I am nearly thirty and this is not where I thought I’d be. #I’m overqualified for the jobs I want and the only ones left are private practice family law which I might as well kms #But it doesn’t matter because no one is hiring anyway! #So I just sit and get fatter and uglier #And no matter what I do everything just gets worse. #I tried to curl my hair to look nice today for the dinner #Only for every single thing I tried to end up in failure as always. #I’ve never been able to curl my hair and I don’t know why #I tried multiple different curling wands and a straightener and tutorials and nothing. Just kinked ends as always #Which is story of my life. Every time I try to look nice I end up looking worse than if I hadn’t tried at all #Same with my bar call tbh I tried to have nice hair and now I can’t even look at my bar photos because my hair is so fucking ugly #My law grad photo was the same so I didn’t even buy them #Even my parents had to admit they were bad photos. I got hit with windstorm that ruined my hair #Again every time I try the universe just goes Haha You Thought You Could Be Pretty? #Please Remember You’re the Ugly One in the Family :) #The ugly one the failure all those degrees and nothing to show for it beyond an education that does nothing #Because I am nothing! Awesome #The only thing my law degree is good for is making my sister feel better #And I can only do so much because it’s a conflict otherwise. #Explain processes and likelihoods to her and support her as her ex fucks everything up and that’s about it #He threatened to come to the house and make things ‘ugly’ while I was the only one there (unbeknownst to him) #Then I dropped concealer on my leggings and it wouldn’t come out mmm #Just tired. Why do I try again?

[nabaath-areng]

I was planning to build new desktop this fall, but seeing that the winter half year practically chains me to bed making me incapable of sitting up I took some of my savings to get a laptop so I can have it in bed for drawing, writing etc at least. And so I'll save back up the coming months and build it once spring arrives instead (hopefully component prices has gone down then too)

All that to say I can only eat my hands as I catch glimpses of dawntrail news after having been ffxiv-less since july last year. my abstinence is out the roof

#that being said i am admittedly a little bit nervous about returning now that its been so long #i played without break from 2014 til 2020 and then its been on an off between 2020 and 2022 #and then since then i havent had the means to play #like on one hand i dont dare looking too much into ffxiv happenings cause my abstinence grows worse #and on the other i worry that ill feel weird coming back #because returning from past breaks have felt weird #which admittedly might be because i dont allow myself to take my time and enjoy things but rather rush to catch up #but whenever i can play im just gonna take all effort possible to not rush and potentially even do things on my own #rather than feel stressed by not slowing down others #im glad for the increased single player options tbh #at the same time the break has done me good cause i feel like im further away from making those mistakes #and having a lot to catch up with before being up to date might be good for me #finding hobbies outside ffxiv has done me good too #my relationship to it wasnt the healthiest as it was my sole lifeline during horrific and traumatic years #but now ive been able to play tons of other games again and read books and draw more and write more than ever #and done more irl things again even finishing one type of education #so honestly? i think itll be fine #i dont have to feel bad over my relationship with the game evolving into a different form #i still love it immensely and its had a profound impact on my life as a whole #both in terms of friends and creativity and also significant other #anyway that got longer and rantier and more personal than i first intended #peace signs and sparkles

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

I keep listening to different pieces of music that I love and then my brain comes in all helpful with 'this sounds like great music to die with doesn't it'

#tw suicide #im just. so tired #and i know that right now part of it is im sick (not covid tho) but still. #and it's like im grieving the lost friendship all over again and what might have been #i am the best version of myself when im with the boy. but now no wonder he is avoiding me. and i don't blame him! but for some reason it's #hitting rlly hard again atm and it's just. Im Sad. #i really don't know why that's so prevalent in my mind right now #and it's rlly not safe for me to drive long distances alone i think. i find driving v stressful #and any guesses what *that* leads to #tw sh #the answer was: a frightening amount. #and then there are things i don't understand #my brother begged me to destroy the suicide note i wrote yesterday #and i don't know why. because it's very unlikely to be something that i would stop to do tbh. so what there is would at least explain #*something* perhaps. i don't know #i have spent more than half of my waking hours in the last week seriously thinking of suicide. i don't know how to stop this #and given that i've read two books in full and gone to a play i enjoyed that says something about what hte rest of the time has been filled #with. i don't know how to get out of this. in some ways i feel like it's worse now than it was bc i expected it to get better when mum and #dad got back. if anything it's worse - more constant. #the lows are not quite as low but the baseline is definitely lower #i am just feeling very hopeless rn #yesterday i was driving and reciting psalm 23 and i was so overcome with emotion and i repeated it multiple times and that helped somewhat #but only in the moment ig. i don't know. i don't know how to fix this or even improve it #if im still feeling like this on monday i am so going to walk over the road and straight-up ask to borrow a kitten overnight. #and hope the kitten doesn't decide to go near all the cuts :( #a part of me is genuinely wondering if i should check myself into a psych ward. the other parts of me say either that this isn't bad enough #for that or thta i am simply too scared to. which is true. nasty stuff in psych wards for obvious reasons #anyway i need prayers thankyou

[toxooz]

me having to look for another place to live bc im Making Too Much to live in my low income apts now

#i have girlbossed to close to the sun!!!!!! #i understand Why low income apts do this but its also like #yall rlly just threaten to smash some1s kneecaps as soon as they get on their feet huh #and then wonder why low income apts are known for being cesspools of drug addicts with no intentions of getting a job HUH #but ig the good news is im makin like 6$ more than what my income was when i first moved out so my horizons could b broadened #im hopnig for some more options and maaaybe????? even renting a wHOLE HOUSE??? the dream tbh #bc girl help i am being presented with the threat of being homeless if i cant find one in time or worse going to my parents #which surprise!!! that piece of fucking shit STILL hasnt moved out and is still there and my last shred of a will to live cant deal w/that #but idk i should b able to get out in time i p sure the deadline is like february plus my landlord loves me so she might b lenient #i think i already found 2 possible places too so 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞 #me getting a dollar raise knowing im already so close to the income limit: haha im in danger :) #anyway probably revealing Too Much abt my life but idc my ass been stressed abt this for months and its only getting worse i gota getit oUT #ANYWAY halloween drawins should b tomorrow

[cyberpunkboytoy]

Today in Shining Nikki: the player cuts infected flesh out of a wounded man to stop the rot from spreading

#At first I straight up thought they were gonna make Nikki amputate #tbh this might have been worse #I love to gouge out skin in my fashion games #shining nikki #shining nikki spoilers