#the lows are not quite as low but the baseline is definitely lower

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

I keep listening to different pieces of music that I love and then my brain comes in all helpful with 'this sounds like great music to die with doesn't it'

#tw suicide #im just. so tired #and i know that right now part of it is im sick (not covid tho) but still. #and it's like im grieving the lost friendship all over again and what might have been #i am the best version of myself when im with the boy. but now no wonder he is avoiding me. and i don't blame him! but for some reason it's #hitting rlly hard again atm and it's just. Im Sad. #i really don't know why that's so prevalent in my mind right now #and it's rlly not safe for me to drive long distances alone i think. i find driving v stressful #and any guesses what *that* leads to #tw sh #the answer was: a frightening amount. #and then there are things i don't understand #my brother begged me to destroy the suicide note i wrote yesterday #and i don't know why. because it's very unlikely to be something that i would stop to do tbh. so what there is would at least explain #*something* perhaps. i don't know #i have spent more than half of my waking hours in the last week seriously thinking of suicide. i don't know how to stop this #and given that i've read two books in full and gone to a play i enjoyed that says something about what hte rest of the time has been filled #with. i don't know how to get out of this. in some ways i feel like it's worse now than it was bc i expected it to get better when mum and #dad got back. if anything it's worse - more constant. #the lows are not quite as low but the baseline is definitely lower #i am just feeling very hopeless rn #yesterday i was driving and reciting psalm 23 and i was so overcome with emotion and i repeated it multiple times and that helped somewhat #but only in the moment ig. i don't know. i don't know how to fix this or even improve it #if im still feeling like this on monday i am so going to walk over the road and straight-up ask to borrow a kitten overnight. #and hope the kitten doesn't decide to go near all the cuts :( #a part of me is genuinely wondering if i should check myself into a psych ward. the other parts of me say either that this isn't bad enough #for that or thta i am simply too scared to. which is true. nasty stuff in psych wards for obvious reasons #anyway i need prayers thankyou

[vinkumakkara]

when some people say that srr really isn’t as bad as it’s been treated, like they thought it was fine and they had fun with it, i can definitely see where they’re coming because i’m past 50 hours now and i still got a lot to do. i’m gonna keep playing it, it’s a chill experience if nothing else because the stakes are so low and the map is so big with countless small things to do, it is really easy to just fuck around for an hour or two and enjoy your time doing it just fine. but like... just because you come in with very low expectations and then get slightly more than what you thought you would, doesn’t mean that the game is actually great and that people were just hating for hating’s sake. treating “fun” as if it’s some kinda incredibly lofty achievement in design and not the mere baseline for the player experience is an insultingly low bar to set for a game studio with such an impressive rap sheet as Volition.

like ok their quality’s been lowering for a long while now but still, this game is trying to reboot Saints Row. it should be more than just “fine” - the series genuinely used to be so much more than this, there’s a reason why it’s still around to this day when so many other series and developers in this genre quite literally no longer exist. it deserves better than this kind of amateurish shallow design that’s “just fine”, sr used to have excellent design! despite how condescendingly people talk about the series to this day many still basically elevate it to the level of gta. like think of Rockstar what you might but you really can’t get that kinda rep with games that are “just fine”!

srr breaks so much of what worked great if not fantastic in the past for basically no gain whatsoever and it’s just baffling that it could have turned out like this. for someone like me it’s as deeply confusing as an experience as it is bittersweet, especially since it really does feel like there was a lot of ambition and even passion poured into this that’s been missing from sr since after sr2. it’s like the actual simultaneous source and target of all that hypothetical creative enthusiasm was never sr itself, it just occasionally shines through in spite of the title and never because of it, and that’s a really sad realization to have when this series means so much to me personally.

#gta self made posting

[imbuity]

I need a place to type-journal that isnt the fanfic blog but also isnt the main blog or my notion entries because all of those are for other people to see.

It has to be SSRI time, right? Like this has gone on for so long and is impacting my nutrition and has hit a real plateau where I am sort of able to do things but not to the degree that they Need To Get Done (not even counting socializing which I am trying to do less of but like, the schoolwork aspect - I'm here journalling this out instead of doing the assignment that I Definitely Need To Do since it's due at 11:59 tonight).

Like, I guess I can give myself a year on pause. June-June is still enough time to be in tiptop shape for the weddings, because those are the goals we are going for here - be able to handle the stress of flying, of being social, of maybe giving a speech, etc. And right now, I cannot handle the stress of "go out to dinner with anyone" which is a much lower level.

Which like, isn't a level I need to be hitting now. In fact, it is a better budget move to not be hitting that; but the point is at some point in my life I will need to do these things to maintain the relationships I have the way that I have them.

Point that I am just thinking of now thats only tangentially related; Hitomi is an excellent example of counter-culture while still being desirable. She, while still yknow travelling and going to restaurants and stuff, acknowledges very openly that she doesnt want to see people and spends a lot of time just like in the forest. And she is still *cool* as fuck. Embrace your new life path as a counter-culture in the same way that Isabel and Hitomi do, where they don't adhere to "norms" by virtue of their living spaces but are still fundamentally engaging. Foster that forest, witch girl energy in yourself to remove yourself from social circles while still feeling at ease with your self-concept.

Ok back to this SSRI thing, the point that holds me back is the feeling of them being a last resort. So, a), it feels like it isn't time yet to bring in the big guns because I am actively getting better (this is true. even if it is so slow, it is true), and b), what if it doesn't fix it and so then I'm just stuck with the knowledge that oh shit this IS how I am and there's no way to fix it. Granted, there are a bunch of different types of anti-anxiety medications so there probably will always be a "next step" to try.

The other point is like, these things very commonly cause nausea. Inducing nausea in me to combat my fear of nausea seems incredibly unwise. But, as this man stated in his book, he has never known someone to throw up from them. Cassa is the only one you know to have done so, and thats really because thats the only thing her body knows how to do goddamn. If you start at an incredibly low dose, go to sleep right after you take them, you should be ok. Because you do have anxious predispositions, this probably would be a good all-around treatment for the 6-12 months they are recommended.

Maybe we wait a little longer, get closer to wedding time. Because if you're still doing this poorly (i.e.; certainly unable to make a speech, haven't gained enough weight to sit comfortably on the plane for 6 hours, not going to have even one glass of champagne) then something will need to be done about that, because these are non-negotiable tasks. But maybe for now you can keep letting these neural pathways die and see how that goes for a few months, because you are keeping your grades quite high and you are meeting baseline caloric needs. Everything else, living your life, that can come later.

[aeonsforever]

Lurking Sionite

Lurking Sionite, as a 3 cost gem that can conditionally generate 3 aether, is entirely fine as a 3 cost gem. Compared to Exogranite, it'll definitely generate more aether throughout its lifetime, even if it only generate 3 aether once it wouldn't have to destroy itself. However, Lurking Sionite is hard to form a specific strategy around as having 1 more aether randomly isn't something that'll always be useful. Even if you have allys with Lurking Sionite, there's no guarantee that it'll be in their discard pile, or that they'll even have a discard pile. Lurking Sionite works decently well if every player has a thick deck and one or two Sionites, but I find in many games over-committing to Sionite makes the players way too slow. As such, Sionite is sort of stuck in this catch-22 where you can commit to it and make it more consistent, but you run into the issue of over committing to gems makes you especially vulnerable to minions and being too slow, or you can simply splash it into your build and have to have a fairly RNG heavy gem. Of course in higher player counts it's probably stronger than at lower player counts, since there are more cards in discard piles at any given time, but at higher player counts its also weaker to commit to aether as scaling a deck is less important when there are so many decks to scale. Despite how intrinsically awkward Sionite is as a low cost gem that wants your team to buy more of them and requires thicker decks to be consistent, it's still meeting a baseline of 3 cost generate 2 aether with an appreciable upside. If you'd be happy with it activating just once or twice the entire game, Sionite is probably fine as a one-of in everyone's decks. As tempting as it is to go all-in on Sionite, unless there's a really good place to put that aether I find that idea to be quite weak in practice.

#Aeon's End #Aeons End #Daily Discussion #3 Cost #Gem #The New Age

[inkformyblood]

You Speak Of Grace

Commander Cody Week Day 02 Origins [ @commandercodyweek ]

Pairing: Codywan

Summary: Cody is about to meet his new Jedi, but he will make sure his men are as prepared as they can be. Little does he know that Obi-Wan is anything but what he was expecting.

“Once more.” Cody’s voice rang out as the test alarms died away, eliciting a fresh wave of groans from the assembled clones. From behind his helmet, Cody glanced over the group, running through the list in his mind once again. The heavy gloves hid the faint trembling of his hands as his fingers danced over the datapad, drawing up another scenario. “Test Scenario 00726. Oya!”

Distantly, Cody could almost hear Alpha-17’s low rumbling laugh echo forth from his memory at their displays of grumbling compliance. He carefully ignored the brother at the back — Crys, he thought, judging from the bright yellow daubed over his pauldrons and the dark hair growing up through the unnatural yellow dye — who ducked behind a console and emerged after swallowing down the last dregs of his caf.

The consoles rang shrilly as they ran through the necessary checks once more, heads lowered as the other clones focused on their own work. Cody sensed movement just behind him, but didn’t turn, watching the grey painted shape of Helix, their medic, move up behind him in the reflection of a console.

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

Helix’s voice was soft but no less filled with purpose, expecting to be heard and understood. Cody was the Commander of the Battalion, but Helix was the medic, and that was something entirely different.

“Granted.”

Helix tapped the comm on his wrist, shifting to a private channel, and Cody stifled the reflexive twinge of fear that rattled down his spine. Fear was useful, Alpha-17 had barked at the younger clones in the Command Track, echoing the words of the trainers before him, but it was also dangerous. Drawing in a deep breath, letting it flow through him rather than rule his thoughts, Cody switched to the private channel as well.

“You are doing a good job,” Helix murmured, his voice slightly distorted over the comm. “You are already a good commander, and having a Jedi won’t change that.”

Cody didn’t respond, didn’t want to think about what Helix could read in the sudden stillness of his hands or the lines of tension that flickered into life along his shoulders, but merely nodded, his throat tight.

Helix lightly tapped the back of his wrist guard against Cody’s hip in a silent benediction. “I’m going to head down to medical. Over the next few days, I’ll need to check on the troopers and the Jedi to get a baseline.”

“I’ll draw up a rota,” Cody promised, adding yet another item onto his mental checklist. Dimly, he spared a thought for how his brothers in the command track were faring. Their own comms channel had been eerily quiet since they had received their battalion allocations and left in the early hours of the morning with one final message each of “Oya”.

“Appreciate it,” Helix said with an inclination of his head and stepped away. The other medics, Border and Patience, shadowed him like ghosts, barely half a step behind in a haunting unison that would have made the trainers proud.

Cody turned back to the men, tracking their progress as they worked through the machines, feeling a warm glow of pride settle in his chest. This would work. This had to work.

A warning prickled at the base of his skull, and Cody was already turning to face the doorway by the time his mind had drawn the context clues together.

As Helix left, his pace had slowed slightly, and the soft whoosh of the doors closing took longer than it should have. One of the troopers had raised his head, gaze fixed at something over Cody’s shoulder as one of his hands formed the beginning of the symbol for ‘Mother’, a warning of being watched back on Kamino. But the critical clue was the message flashing from the Command Track Chat from Bly that only read ‘oh no my Jedi’s hot.’

“Hello there.”

“Hello, sir,” Cody said, running on instinct as the rest of his mind went blissfully blank. The only information he had been given was a name and a grainy holo picture to recognise his Jedi by. A small thrill ran down his spine at that thought. Possession was still something all the clones were getting used to, and the knowledge that this man was his, was theirs, was more than Cody could have thought possible.

“Jetti on bridge,” Cody barked over his shoulder to the others, feeling the weight of their eyes on his back.

Obi-Wan smiled, the edges of his eyes — so unbelievably blue, like the point where the ocean met the sky — crinkling. “Please, Commander, call me Obi-Wan.”

“Obi-Wan,” Cody repeated with a nod, further committing it to memory. He was grateful for the helmet that was still covering his head as he felt the heat settle in his cheeks. Full armour was cumbersome for now, but it had been better to be safe than sorry.

“From what I understand, you have names as well?” Obi-Wan’s gaze darted around the room; his voice pitched low. “I don’t wish to cause any offence; this situation is very new to me.” He tucked his hands into his sleeves, clasping them in front of him.

“CC-2224 is my designation. But my name is Cody, sir.”

It was as if Cody’s words ripped the oxygen from the room, every trooper freezing in place in perfect military rest. Obi-Wan had to feel the pressure lowering onto his shoulders, but he merely grinned once more.

“Cody. That’s an excellent name and a good choice.” Obi-Wan paused, glancing around the room and meeting the gaze of every trooper who quickly lowered their heads back to their consoles at Cody’s signal.

“I trust I can count on you to keep me right, Cody? I will defer to your expertise.” Obi-Wan’s grin was as warm as sunlight, intoxicating when it was directed at just Cody, and he felt his cheeks burst with heat once more.

“Yessir,” Cody said, snapping back into parade rest out of habit.

“I’m not sure what the Kamioans have told you, but if you’re amenable, full armour outside of active combat isn’t required.” Obi-Wan paused with a heavy sigh, looking far older than he was for a moment before he pushed whatever memory it was away. “This isn’t my first war, but no need to make it harder than it needs to be.”

“So,” Cody swallowed, turning his head slightly to track Boil and Waxer’s whispering, their heads pressed together out of the corner of his eye, “Permission to dismiss the men to store their extras?”

“Permission more than granted, Commander.”

If Cody had thought that his mind went blank before, it was nothing compared to being alone on the bridge with Obi-Wan. In every scenario, every training simulation or exercise, nothing could have prepared him for this moment. Alpha-17 and the others took after Prime almost perfectly, and that applied to his lack of attraction as well, at best able to offer rough support to a heartbroken trooper in basic training.

Obi-Wan began to move around the bridge, glancing over the simulated manoeuvres that had been programmed in with a gleam of interest in his eyes. “If you want, Cody, you can store your belongings as well. We’re going to be working together for a while, and I see no reason to start out with extreme formality.”

Cody’s hands were steady as he reached up to remove his helmet, subtly pressing at the itch that had erupted two hours ago at the nape of his skull as he did so. Obi-Wan’s face softened as he watched him, unable to hide the obvious curiosity in his eyes.

“I can definitely see the resemblance.”

Cody laughed, the noise startled out of him, jaw snapping shut with a click.

“I’m sorry, sir,” he began, but Obi-Wan cut him off with a wave of his hand, his shoulders shaking with barely suppressed laughter.

“Please, don’t apologise, Cody. If there is anyone at fault, then it is me.”

“No, sir.” Cody paused to find the correct words, tapping his fingers against the edge of the datapad as he thought. This wasn’t what he had been expecting, Obi-Wan wasn’t what he had been expecting, but he always had been quick on his feet. “As you said, no reason to start out with extreme formality. No fault here.”

Obi-Wan hummed quietly as he thought, and Cody took a moment to inspect the Jedi he would be serving under. The robes hid much of his frame, but Obi-Wan had moved with confidence, despite the fact that the fabric wouldn’t give much protection or possibly act as a hindrance. Cody made another note on his mental list, needing to confer with the other Commanders once everyone had settled again.

“I think this is going to be an excellent partnership, Cody,” Obi-Wan said at last. “With that in mind, with the full reassurance that you can tell me no at any time for whatever reason, would you like to join me for a cup of tea? I believe there is some final paperwork to go over.”

“Yessir,” Cody answered before the full implication hit him. Obi-Wan would be sharing, even serving most likely, something precious of his, something he had deliberately chosen to bring aboard a battleship, knowing the cargo restrictions. “I’d be honoured.”

“Excellent! Anakin, my padawan—” Obi-Wan paused, and Cody wordlessly fell into pace at his side, a few inches shorter than the other man as he titled his head to continue watching him, “—he never quite got the taste for it, unfortunately.”

“I am looking forward to it, sir.”

Obi-Wan gave him a look, his grin all fond curled edges.

“Obi-Wan,” Cody corrected himself. He felt like a fool to hope, but it was a hope he held onto tightly.

Out of sight, Cody tapped a message into the Command Chat before silencing it, knowing the explosions it would spawn. ‘Mine’s better, vod.’

#codyweek2021 #codywan #commander cody #obi wan kenobi #star wars #clone medic helix #my writing

[clonecest-bin-account]

300 followers bingo - Bad Batch | Band AU

(A story about how the Bad Batch gained a new member)

It’s always been their dream, becoming famous, even if a certain asshole - coff coff, Crosshair, coff coff - likes to act like such childish thoughts are too low for him, and now… well, they haven’t exactly reached it yet, but they’re getting close, Hunter can feel it.

All four of them have always loved music, and they love playing in their band, with Crosshair on guitar, Tech on the keyboard, Wrecker on drums, and Hunter that guides them with his singing. They have been together since they were kids, playing with fake instruments, but as soon as they got old enough, they bought the real deal.

Sure, their music is a bit… particular, to say the least, since none of them has actually studied music - they’ve all learned to play on their own, without the need of a teacher - so it’s not exactly popular, but it’s fine like this: they wouldn’t stand out if they played the same exact shit everyone else plays, right?

 Things are moving up, although slowly, but progress is still progress.

Who would’ve thought that they would be able to find a few gigs around town? Apparently many locals are trying to get some experimental musicians in order to gain attention from the public, whom we know loves curiosities.

It’s their perfect occasion to show others what they’re capable of, getting the local crowd familiar with them and their style of music and publicizing their spotify account as well as their youtube channel, even though they mostly just put their covers there.

 … There’s still something missing to their music, though, something that they could easily fix if they find the right guy: one of the few critiques that they accept about what they produce, is that the baseline is quite weak, because it’s true.

Usually Tech takes care of it, along with Wrecker, but it’s obvious that a proper bassist would make things go way more smoothly.

 There’s only one problem: finding the bassist.

Hunter doesn’t think they’re particularly unlikable, just that they have a quite peculiar dynamic, and yet every time it seems like they’ve found the right one, they always leave in a matter of a couple of days. Oh well, he doesn’t blame them: it’s definitely harder to become famous when you insist on making experimental stuff, rather than following the trends, though where’s the fun in that, he has no idea.

 “We don’t need a bassist,” Crosshair said once.

“Just ‘cause you’re the reason most of them quit, doesn’t mean you have to be an ass about it!” Wrecker replies, but thankfully Tech’s interjection breaks up any potential argument between the two. God knows they have enough of them already.

“It has been proved that adding a base does make our music sound better,” he says, scratching his chin then. “We just need to find someone that gets along with us.”

“Maybe if we ditched Crosshair…”

“Hey!”

“Guys, c’mon,” Hunter intervenes, “there’s no need to fight.”

“Right… Sorry Hunter,” Wrecker mutters, while Crosshair says nothing, though he does lower his gaze.

At that point Hunter sighs, but he goes quickly back to a hopeful demeanor - after all, they all look up to him for guidance, he can’t falter.

“C’mon, let’s not lose hope. We’ll find someone…”

  Indeed, they do find someone.

 It happens almost causally: Crosshair’s browsing the internet, when he stumbles about one of those clickbait-y articles about a talented bassist who’s keeping playing even after losing his arm.

Despite the fact that he’s not expecting to find anything mind-blowing, Crosshair still decides to check the article out of curiosity.

What he finds is the same ol’ tear jerking story that makes him roll his eyes, not because of the story per se, but for how it’s framed. It makes him wonder if the bassist in question, Echo is his name - quite peculiar, it makes him wonder if it’s a stage name like his own is - has read the article beforehand and has approved of what has been written on it. With the way he appears in pictures, he seems humble and nice, so Crosshair doubts it.

Something catches Crosshair’s attention thought: apparently, despite his story, Echo plays solo, but not for personal choice. Just like them, he’s having a hard time finding someone willing to play with him.

At the end of the article, he finds a series of videos in which, he supposes, Echo plays. It’s like they’re taunting him, trying to get him to watch them.

Eh, what the hell, how much could it hurt to give them a peek?

 Well, color Crosshair impressed. He’s not a base expert, of course, but he has never heard someone play like this Echo does; he’s truly a natural. He’s so fast that it seems that he’s barely moving his fingers, to the point that it’s hard for Crosshair to follow each and every movement.

Holy shit, could he be…

“Hunter, come here! You gotta see this guy!”

 Echo manages to charm everyone.

“It’s him!” Wrecker exclaims. “He’s the one!”

“Yes, his addition would be very beneficial to us,” Tech agrees, eyes still peeled to the screen, watching rapt as Echo plays.

Crosshair turns to Hunter. “So? What do you think?”

“He’s good,” Hunter admits, “but I wonder if he’d be willing to give us a chance…”

“He seems nice enough,” Tech comments, but he too seems to share Hunter’s worry.

“In that case, let’s just ask him,” Wrecker suggests. “Didn’t we do the same with the others too?”

“That’s true, it’s worth a shot…”

“C’mon,” Crosshair begins, “we’re all on the same page for once, let’s just do it.”

“Alright,” Hunter concedes, allowing himself to feel hopeful, though then he points at Tech. “But you’re the one writing the e-mail this time.”

Tech chuckles. “Leave it to me.”

  Dear Bad Batch,

I have been a fan of yours for quite some time. I find your take on music refreshing and courageous, which unfortunately isn’t something that I can say for many other artists of this time.

You can imagine how honored I’ve felt reading your e-mail! I’ve never seen myself as someone who can be all that inspiring, so I was surprised to read how much of an impression I’ve made on you.

That said, I would love to meet up and discuss about music and a potential collaboration. Actually, I’m looking forward to it.

Let me know whenever you’re free, and we can arrange something.

Best regards.

Echo.

  Echo’s response has been very quick, which has taken everyone by surprise.

As they read and reread the e-mail, almost as if they expect the text to change if they stare at it hard enough, they can’t help but to smile at each other.

In the end, Hunter has to admit it:

“Yes, guys. I think we’ve truly found the one.”

#300 followers bingo #bad batch #clone trooper hunter #clone trooper wrecker #clone trooper tech #clone trooper crosshair #arc trooper echo #my fics

[bloody-bee-tea]

Charm - Untamed Spring Fest 2020 Day 21

Jiang Cheng can’t believe he gets to be this lucky.

But proof of it is right there, in his bed, snuffling adorably as Lan Xichen turns on his side and curls further towards Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng smiles at Lan Xichen’s sleeping form, and reaches out to push the hair back that has fallen over Lan Xichen’s face.

He lets his fingers linger there for a moment, basking in the fact that he can do this and that Lan Xichen trusts him enough to allow him this, and then Lan Xichen turns back on his back, robe falling open and exposing his chest.

Jiang Cheng moves his hand lower, splays it over Lan Xichen’s heart and then he starts to draw.

Jiang Cheng has never been as good with spells and charms as Wei Wuxian has been, but this he can do well.

The strokes come back to him easily and it’s not long before Jiang Cheng finishes the charm. It glows purple for a second before it fully sinks into Lan Xichen’s skin and Jiang Cheng allows himself a small smile.

“What are you doing?” Lan Xichen’s sleep slurred voice suddenly pierces the quiet and Jiang Cheng shifts his gaze to his face.

“Nothing,” he promises and cuddles close to Lan Xichen again. “Sleep,” he whispers and Lan Xichen sighs before he curls his arm around Jiang Cheng to pull him close and then does exactly that.

~*~*~

Lan Xichen is over a lot after that first night. Jiang Cheng isn’t going to question it and it’s also not really a surprise, with how the Elders almost forced Lan Xichen back into seclusion once he ended it after two years.

It’s no wonder Lan Xichen doesn’t want to spend more time in the Cloud Recesses than he already has to.

“My heart,” Lan Xichen greets him when he steps from his sword and Jiang Cheng is quick to welcome him with open arms.

He’s pretty sure he will never tire of the easy way Lan Xichen steps into his embrace, accepts his touch and affections, and it makes Jiang Cheng go warm all over.

“My light,” Jiang Cheng replies and brushes a kiss over Lan Xichen’s cheek. “Escaped yet again?” Jiang Cheng then asks and smirks when Lan Xichen blushes.

“It’s not like I have to stay at the Cloud Recesses. Uncle is still acting as Sect Leader and Wangji is Chief Cultivator. There isn’t really much for me to do these days,” Lan Xichen says and while it’s said with a smile Jiang Cheng knows that he misses the boring, repetitive work of answering letters.

“You can help with my paperwork if you want,” Jiang Cheng tells him and laughs when Lan Xichen perks up at that.

Only Lan Xichen could love paperwork.

They make their way to Jiang Cheng’s study and Jiang Cheng just has to tug Lan Xichen in for another kiss when he notices the little spring to his step.

“I wish I could get this excited over paperwork,” Jiang Cheng sighs against Lan Xichen’s lips, “it would make it a whole lot easier.”

“Ah, but you have me for that,” Lan Xichen gives back and steals another quick kiss before he drags Jiang Cheng into the office and towards the looming stacks of paperwork.

They settle down—having established a routine for this already—and get started.

At first Jiang Cheng had kept Sect Business away from Lan Xichen, but that changed quickly enough. He knows Lan Xichen would never do anything to hurt them, and Jiang Cheng doesn’t actually want to keep any secrets from him.

They are immersed in their respective letters when Lan Xichen suddenly looks up, the motion startling Jiang Cheng enough to raise his head as well.

“I love you,” Lan Xichen says and Jiang Cheng’s eyes go wide at that.

They haven’t said it yet, even though Jiang Cheng is reasonably sure they both feel that way, and before Jiang Cheng can find his words and give the sentiment back, Lan Xichen goes pale and slaps a hand over his mouth.

He staggers up to his feet, stumbling into the nearest wall and levelling Jiang Cheng with a look so accusatory that a cold shudder goes down his back.

“Xichen?” he carefully asks and Lan Xichen jerks at his voice.

“What did you do?” he presses out, horror audible in his voice and Jiang Cheng frowns at him.

“I did nothing,” Jiang Cheng says, even though he doesn’t even know what’s going on, but Lan Xichen shakes his head.

“You did, I know you did. I remember it, you know, you painting something on me. Did you put a spell on me?” Lan Xichen asks, his voice going high with his panic and Jiang Cheng opens his mouth before the full implication of what Lan Xichen just said hits him.

“A spell,” Jiang Cheng repeats, voice flat. “You think I must have put a spell on you because that’s the only reason you could love me,” he goes on, his voice as dead as he feels.

It hurts, more than Jiang Cheng knows how to put into words, to realize that Lan Xichen would rather think there was a spell put on him than that he really is in love with Jiang Cheng, simple as that.

Jiang Cheng gets up on his feet as well, though he can’t quite bear to look at Lan Xichen.

“It was a protection charm,” Jiang Cheng still tells him, because he will not allow Lan Xichen to believe that Jiang Cheng is really that despicable and then he turns away. “I just wanted to keep you safe,” he tacks on, voice barely above a whisper, as he walks away from Lan Xichen.

Jiang Cheng can’t believe he was stupid enough to allow himself to be happy, even for a few weeks. He should have remembered that he doesn’t get to keep good things.

~*~*~

Lan Xichen finds him an hour later at the private pier right behind Jiang Cheng’s room.

“You are no longer welcome here,” Jiang Cheng says without turning towards Lan Xichen, even though his heart is heavy in his chest.

“I am so sorry,” Lan Xichen says in response and comes closer, despite Jiang Cheng’s words.

“I know I’m not a good person,” Jiang Cheng says, “but to think that you would believe that I could sink that low, that I am that despicable—,” Jiang Cheng shakes his head as he trails off.

“Let me explain?” Lan Xichen carefully asks and sits down next to Jiang Cheng, who turns his head away.

He isn’t sure there is anything that could justify what Lan Xichen thought him capable of doing, but he shrugs anyway.

“Back before everything, before Nie Mingjue’s death, I thought I was in love with him,” Lan Xichen starts and Jiang Cheng clenches his jaw.

He doesn’t want to hear this. And yet, he doesn’t stop Lan Xichen.

“I got nervous around him, sweaty hands, fluttering in my stomach, you know, the whole thing,” Lan Xichen goes on and Jiang Cheng does his best to breathe through the pain.

“And then he died and I moved on,” Lan Xichen explains and Jiang Cheng can see from the corner of his eyes that he’s looking down at his hands. “And I moved on to A-Y—Jin Guangyao,” Lan Xichen tells him and Jiang Cheng thinks that if he clenches his jaw a little bit more, he might crack a tooth.

“It was the same with him,” Lan Xichen says, “butterflies in my stomach, sweaty hands, just like with Nie Mingjue.”

“Good for you,” Jiang Cheng presses out, aware that he’s being unnecessary mean, but he can’t help it.

He sees Lan Xichen flinch at his words, and while a very cruel part of himself is satisfied with that, the bigger part wants to reach out and soothe the hurt he just caused.

“And then there’s you,” Lan Xichen goes on, voice softer than it was before, and Jiang Cheng wants to get up and run away because he does not want to hear this.

“I feel none of these things with you,” Lan Xichen says and Jiang Cheng didn’t know it was possible to experience that much pain and still live through it.

“With you I just feel at ease, like I’m home, like by your side is the only possible place for me to be, like it’s where I belong,” Lan Xichen goes on, voice soft and staring out at the water.

“I thought I was in love with them, but it turns out it was barely a crush,” Lan Xichen mumbles. “I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as I love you and it made me panic,” Lan Xichen finally admits and turns his head towards Jiang Cheng.

“I never experienced feelings as deep as I have for you, and I thought it couldn’t be. I took my fleeting crushes on my friends as the baseline and I panicked when I realized I was wrong.”

“And I know I can never apologize for what I insinuated, but I had to let you know. And I had to let you know just how sorry I am,” Lan Xichen lowly finishes and stands up. “I will go back to the Cloud Recesses. If you—if you ever want to talk again, you’ll find me there.”

Lan Xichen turns away from him and Jiang Cheng doesn’t know what he’s feeling, but he can’t let Lan Xichen walk away from him.

“Xichen,” he calls after him, effectively halting his steps, and when Lan Xichen turns around there’s naked hope on his face.

“It was just a protection charm,” Jiang Cheng repeats and Lan Xichen gives him a small sad smile.

“I know,” he replies and Jiang Cheng realizes that he must have examined the charm by now. “It’s fuelled by your love for me,” Lan Xichen says, voice low and hopeful and Jiang Cheng nods.

“And it will still protect you,” he says, because right now he can’t tell Lan Xichen that he loves him, too.

This is the best he can do.

“Oh,” Lan Xichen breathes out and puts a hand over his heart. “Does that mean—,” he starts and then trails off. “I don’t want to assume. What does it mean?”

“It means you can stay,” Jiang Cheng says and gets up on his feet as well. “I need some time, but you don’t have to go.”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t know if they can go back to the way it was before, but he knows that he definitely doesn’t want Lan Xichen to leave and he doesn’t want to lose Lan Xichen either.

Jiang Cheng hopes the rest will come over time.

“Alright,” Lan Xichen whispers and gives a small, shaky smile to Jiang Cheng. “I really do love you, you know,” Lan Xichen tells him and Jiang Cheng nods jerkily.

“Yeah, I might need a while for that,” Jiang Cheng admits but he takes Lan Xichen’s hand when he offers it to him.

“I understand,” Lan Xichen tells him and squeezes his hand once. “I’ll ask for a guest chamber,” Lan Xichen says but falls silent when Jiang Cheng shakes his head.

If Lan Xichen sleeps in a guest chamber, then Jiang Cheng will get lost in his head and make everything worse again.

“No, it’s—stay,” he presses out and his heart does the same little flip it always does when Lan Xichen smiles at him like this, radiant and happy.

“I will,” Lan Xichen promises and Jiang Cheng just hopes he can believe him.

They will need time to get back to how it was before—if they can even manage that—but Jiang Cheng is carefully optimistic now.

They will work it out.

This now comes with amazing art!!

{Buy me a kofi}

#bt writes #the untamed #mdzs #xicheng #untamed spring fest #hurt/comfort #misunderstandings #love confessions #charms #angst

[jkottke]

The New US Climate Normals

Every 10 years, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) updates its definition of what it defines as "normal" weather.

As soon as the 2021 New Year's celebrations were over, the calls and questions started coming in from weather watchers: When will NOAA release the new U.S. Climate Normals? The Normals are 30-year averages of key climate observations made at weather stations and corrected for bad or missing values and station changes over time. From the daily weather report to seasonal forecasts, the Normals are the basis for judging how temperature, rainfall, and other climate conditions compare to what's normal for a given location in today's climate.

They're set to release the updated 1991-2020 Normals in early May and, crucially, these new normal climate conditions are not adjusted for climate change.

The last update of the Normals took place in 2011, when the baseline shifted from 1971-2000 to 1981-2010. Among the highlights of the rollout was the creation of a map showing how climate-related planting zones across the contiguous United States had shifted northward in latitude and upward in elevation. It was a clear signal that normal overnight low temperatures across the country were warmer than they used to be.

The planting zone maps emphasized a key point about the Normals and climate change: the once-per-decade update means these products gradually come to reflect the "new normal" of climate change caused by global warming. What's normal today is often very different than what was normal 50 or 100 years ago. This gradual adjustment is the point: the purpose of the Normals is to provide context on what climate is like today, not how it's changing over time.

This is literally shifting baselines in action.

So what are shifting baselines? Consider a species of fish that is fished to extinction in a region over, say, 100 years. A given generation of fishers becomes conscious of the fish at a particular level of abundance. When those fishers retire, the level is lower. To the generation that enters after them, that diminished level is the new normal, the new baseline. They rarely know the baseline used by the previous generation; it holds little emotional salience relative to their personal experience.

And so it goes, each new generation shifting the baseline downward. By the end, the fishers are operating in a radically degraded ecosystem, but it does not seem that way to them, because their baselines were set at an already low level.

Over time, the fish goes extinct -- an enormous, tragic loss -- but no fisher experiences the full transition from abundance to desolation. No generation experiences the totality of the loss. It is doled out in portions, over time, no portion quite large enough to spur preventative action. By the time the fish go extinct, the fishers barely notice, because they no longer valued the fish anyway.

I've been thinking a lot about shifting baselines recently -- specifically in terms of how quickly people in the US got used to thousands of people dying from Covid every day and became unwilling to take precautions or change behaviors that were deemed essential just months earlier when many fewer people were dying. See also mass shootings.

[vedj-f-bekuesu]

It’s 3am and I’ve got nowt to do.

So what can I do...I guess I can analyse the newest Tournament of Elements robes in order to gauge the body types being given to them.

Before I do this, I have to note that Nya and Zane won’t be included. Nya wasn’t even a ninja at this point, and Zane was famously not in the tournament directly, so he doesn’t have those robes. 

I’ll start with Lloyd since he’s seems to be the average build out of the four with these suits. His clothing fit is fine, everything seems to be even across the board, the only real hint of anything is that the robe cross is a bit low down which may hint at him being on the slightly slender side? Otherwise, he works as a good baseline to compare to.

Jay on first appearance seems average too, but his robe cross is a bit higher up. With no apparent tension on the fabric, this suggests that jay has a physically smaller build that allows for this. He’s snug like a bug and sized to match. Note that this is pretty much how every original ToE robe looked, but they had defined pectorals which conveyed a different look than this.

You know how I talked about clothing fit being fine with Lloyd? Here’s an example of how it looks when it’s not fine. That top is tight and terse. Even the clasp sash looks like it’s being put under immense stress! He is definitely a big boy, and if he doesn’t watch it he’s going to end up breaking that top. 

This is Kai’s robe, leaked from the summer wave and tagged as such. The main difference with him is that his robe cross is right down to where the clasp sits, far lower than Lloyd’s. If he didn’t have that underlayer, he’d be rivalling Avatar Jay in terms of how much skin he was showing off. To pull the robe off, this would suggest that Kai is way more on the slender side, allowing the robe to slack down much easier.

It’s really quite interesting how much info you can get out of some printing on a 1cm area of plastic.

#ninjago #ninjago 2020 #ninjago leaks #ninjago legacy #I can only do this because the ToE robes are so consistent #every other suit style has either too many differences between ninja or simply cover up too much

[trishmishtree]

[Current as of March 13, 2020]

Dr. Shahed (screenshot above) is an emergency department physician in Ohio who shared this post on Facebook. It’s an account of COVID-19 from the perspective of an ICU doc working on the frontlines in Seattle. Some of my laypeople-friends were sharing it around (and I’ve seen it floating around on twitter and various internet forums], but I noticed that it’s really dense and contains a lot of medical abbreviations and jargon, like it was meant more for other physicians and isn’t really useful for the average reader. So I thought I’d provide a translation for my non-medblr followers who are looking to stay informed. (If you want further clarification, feel free to drop me an ask)

***

This is from a front-line ICU physician in a Seattle hospital

This is his personal account:

We have 21 patients and 11 deaths since 2/28.

We are seeing patients who are young (20s), fit, no comorbidities, critically ill. It does happen.

US has been past containment since January

Currently, all of ICU is for critically ill COVID patients, all of med-surg [medical-surgical] floors are for stable COVID patients and end-of-life care, half of PCU [progressive care unit], half of ER. New Pulmonary Clinic offshoot is open for patients with respiratory symptoms

CDC is no longer imposing home quarantine on providers who were wearing only droplet-isolation PPE when intubating, suctioning, bronching, and in one case doing bloody neurosurgery. Expect when it comes to your place you may initially have staff home-quarantined. Plan for this NOW. Consider wearing airborne-isolation PPE for aerosol-generating procedures in ANY patient in whom you suspect COVID, just to prevent the mass quarantines.

We ran out of N95s (thanks, Costco hoarders) and are bleaching and re-using PAPRs [powered air purifying respirators], which is not the manufacturer’s recommendation. Not surprised on N95s as we use mostly CAPRs [controlled air purifying respirators] anyway, but still.

Terminal cleans (including UV light) for ER COVID rooms are taking forever, Environmental Services is overwhelmed. This is bad, as patients are stuck coughing in the waiting room. Recommend planning now for Environmental Service upstaffing, or having a plan for sick patients to wait in their cars (that is not legal here, sadly).

CLINICAL INFO (based on our cases and info from CDC conference call today with other COVID providers in US):

The Chinese data on 80% mildly ill, 14% hospital-ill, 6-8% critically ill are generally on the mark. Data [in the US] very skewed by late and very limited testing, and the number of our elderly patients going to comfort care. 

Being young & healthy (zero medical problems) does not rule out becoming vented or dead 

Probably the time course to developing significant lower respiratory symptoms is about a week or longer (which also fits with timing of sick cases we started seeing here, after we all assumed it was endemic as of late Jan/early Feb). 

Based on our hospitalized cases (including the not-formally-diagnosed ones who are obviously COVID – it is quite clinically unique), about 1/3 of patients have mild lower respiratory symptoms and need 1-5L NC [1-5 liters of oxygen per minute, via nasal cannula]. 1/3 are sicker, need face mask or non-rebreather. 1/3 are intubated with ARDS [acute respiratory distress syndrome]. 

Thus far, everyone is seeing: 

normal WBC [white blood cell] count. Almost always lymphopenic, occasionally poly [neutrophil]-predominant but with normal total WBC count. Doesn’t change, even 10 days in. 

Bronchoalveolar lavage: lymphocytic despite blood being lymphopenic. (Try not to bronch these patients; this data is from pre-testing time when we had several idiopathic ARDS cases) 

Fevers, often high, may be intermittent; persistently febrile, often for >10 days. It isn’t the dexmed, it’s the SARS2. 

Low procalcitonin; may be useful to check initially for later trending if you are concerned later for VAP [ventilator-associated pneumonia], etc.

Elevated AST/ALT, sometimes alkaline phosphatase. Usually in 70-100 range. No fulminant hepatitis. Notably, in our small sample, higher transaminitis [elevated AST/ALT] (150-200) on admission correlates with clinical deterioration and progression to ARDS. LFTs [liver function tests] typically begin to bump in 2nd week of clinical course. 

Mild AKI [acute kidney injury] (creatinine <2). Uncertain if direct viral effect, but notably SARS2 RNA fragments have been identified in liver, kidneys, heart, and blood.</li>

Characteristic chest x-ray: always bilateral patchy or reticular infiltrates, sometimes peri-hilar despite normal ejection fraction and volume down at presentation. At time of presentation may be subtle, but always present, even in our patients on chronic high dose steroids. NO effusions.

CT is as expected, rarely mild mediastinal lymphadenopathy, occasional small effusions late in course, which might be related to volume status/cap leak.

Note - China is CT'ing everyone, even outpatients, as a primarily diagnostic modality. However, in US/Europe, CT is rare, since findings are nonspecific, would not change management, and the ENTIRE scanner and room have to be terminal-cleaned, which is just impossible in a busy hospital. Also, transport in PAPRs, etc. 

2 of our patients had CTs for idiopathic ARDS in the pre-test era; they looked like the CTs in the journal articles. Not more helpful than chest x-ray. 

When respiratory failure occurs, it is RAPID (likely 7-10 days out from symptom onset, but rapid progression from hospital admission). Common scenario for our patients is: admit on 1L/min oxygen via nasal cannula. Next 12 hrs escalate to NPPV [non-invasive positive pressure ventilation]. Next 12-24 hrs → vent/proned/Flolan. 

Interestingly, despite some needing Flolan, the hypoxia is not as refractory as with H1N1. Quite different, and quite unique. Odd enough that you’d notice and say hmmm. 

Thus far many are dying of cardiac arrest rather than inability to ventilate/oxygenate. 

Given the inevitable rapid progression to ETT [endotracheal tube, aka intubation] once respiratory decompensation begins, we and other hospitals, including Wuhan, are doing early intubation. Face mask is fine, but if patients are needing HFNC [high-flow nasal cannula] or NPPV [non-invasive positive pressure ventilation], just tube them. They definitely will need a tube anyway, and no point risking the aerosols.

No MOSF [multi-organ system failure]. There’s the mild AST/ALT elevation, maybe a small creatinine bump, but no florid failure. Exception is cardiomyopathy.

Multiple patients here have had normal EF [ejection fraction] on formal Echo or POCUS [point-of-care ultrasound] at time of admission (or in a couple of cases, EF 40ish, chronically). Also normal troponins from emergency department. Then they get the horrible respiratory failure, sans sepsis or shock. Then they turn the corner, come off Flolan, supined, vent weaning, looking good, never any pressor requirement. Then over 12 hrs, newly cold, clamped, multiple-pressor shock that looks cardiogenic, EF 10% or less. Then either VT [ventricular tachycardia, aka V-tach] → VF [ventricular fibrillation, aka V-fib] → dead, or PEA [pulseless electrical activity] → asystole in less than a day. Needless to say, this is awful for families who had started to have hope. 

We have actually had more asystole than VT. Other facilities report more VT/VF, but same time course, a few days or a week after admission, around the time they’re turning the corner. This occurs on med-surg patients too. One today, who is elderly and chronically ill but with baseline EF preserved, became newly hypotensive overnight, EF <10. Already no escalation, has since passed. So presumably there is a viral cardiomyopathy aspect, which presents later in the course of disease.

Of note, no wall motion abnormalities on Echo, right ventricular function preserved, troponins don’t bump. Could be unrelated, but I’ve never seen anything like it before, especially in a patient who had been hemodynamically stable without sepsis.

TREATMENT:

Remdesivir might work, some hospitals have seen improvement with it quite rapidly, marked improvement in 1-3 days. ARDS trajectory is impressive with it, patients improve much more rapidly than expected in usual ARDS.

Recommended course is 10 days, but due to scarcity, all hospitals have stopped it when the patient is clinically out of the woods. None have continued >5 days. It might cause LFT bump, but interestingly seem to bump (200s-ish) for a day or 2 after starting, then rapidly back to normal, suggests this is not a primary toxic hepatitis.

Unfortunately, the Gilead compassionate use and trial programs require AST/ALT <5x normal, which is pretty much almost no actual COVID patients. Also CrCl [creatinine clearance] >30, which is fine. CDC is working with Gilead to get LFT requirements changed now that we know this is a mild viral hepatitis.

Currently the Gilead trial is wrapping up, NIH trial still enrolling, some new trial soon to begin, can’t remember where.

Steroids are up in the air. In China, usual clinical practice for all ARDS is high dose methylprednisolone. Thus, ALL of their patients have had high dose methylprednisolone. Some question whether this practice increases mortality.

It is likely that it increases secondary VAP/HAP [ventilator-associated pneumonia/hospital-acquired pneumonia]. China has had a high rate of drug-resistant GNR [Gram-negative rod] HAP/VAP and fungal pneumonia in these patients, with resulting increases in mortality. We have seen none, even in the earlier patients who were vented for >10 days before being bronch’ed (prior to test availability. Again, it is not a great idea to bronch these patients now).

Unclear whether VAP-prevention strategies are also different [in China vs US], but wouldn’t think so?

Hong Kong is currently running an uncontrolled trial of HC 100IV Q8 [hydrocortisone 100 mg IV every 8 hours].

General consensus here (in US among doctors who have cared for COVID patients) is that steroids will do more harm than good, unless needed for other indications.

Many of our patients have COPD on ICS [inhaled corticosteroids]. Current consensus at Evergreen, after some observation & some clinical judgment, is to stop ICS if able, based on known data with other viral pneumonias and increased susceptibility to HAP. Thus far patients are tolerating that, no major issues with ventilating them that can’t be managed with vent changes. We also have quite a few on AE-COPD [acute exacerbation of COPD]/asthma doses of methylprednisolone, so will be interesting to see how they do.

#medblr #covid-19 #long post

[goldflowercapital]

3/13 Learnings and the road ahead

Last weekend I wrote that the themes of sustainability and social distance will turn oil and airlines into the next tobacco. In the evening a price war crattered oil prices by 20% - and we witnessed one of the more turbulent weeks in the history of the markets. I am sharing here my learnings from this week and the playbook for moving ahead.

Risk parity did not work and you had nowhere to hide. Some big players might be in trouble and this could trigger a contagion from an epidemic to a solvency and financial crisis. Junk bonds is a bad spot to be right now and the unwinding of positions will continue in the next days. The cost to short junk bonds went through the rough but there is quite a lot of room until we test the lows of the 2008 financial crisis with a (very) limited likelihood for an upside.

Momentum trading is done marked by a stunning break lower of the 200 moving day averages. I wrote in my 2020 investment thesis that `` ... Outflows from the bond market could be a triggering factor for the unwind of momentum strategies and a shift to safer assets - like high dividend yield that are usually less volatile. Machine based investing strategies have a natural tendency to follow momentum, as most of the learning happens with historical prices. An outflow from bonds or index linked funds could be the catalyst for a regime shift to more quality and folks running for the exit door from momentum - which can then create the sharp drops we observed at the end of 2018.’‘ 

European integration did not work. It seems that the last time EU had a united stance it was during the Greek debt crisis - with unanimous decisions to force a 100bn$ bond restructuring and one of the strictest austerity programs under the auspices of IMF. The debt-laden nation, which is the frontline and last border between the West and East, was punished for the lack of financial discipline. EU health and monetary authorities once more failed to show any ability to coordinate and the fundamental cornerstone of European integration - free borders, became very soon a fallen fort. I expect Europe once more to be the slowest in catching up and it will take quite some time until a proper fiscal and monetary response is in place. The mega gaffe of the ECB Head this week was again a testimony of how far the EU beaurocrats are far from economic reality, as well as the deep need for infrastructure investment and a true EU integration. 

So what is next?

As conditions start to absorb the new reality into baseline, traditional safety havens like Gold, USD and Yen will regain their position. The shift of consumers to new behaviors like contactless payments, digital wallets, e-commerce and venturing from home are gaining market share and adoption - that most likely will stay. Because of this health crisis, investors, businesses, and consumers will understand more about the genomic revolution now underway. The ability of Asia and China to control their destinies and lead out of this crisis will mark the emergence of China as the dominant power of the 21st century. Captial will start feeling more comfortable in China than in the West. 

We probably have further on to go and we will definitely experience a period that will reshape they way we live, consume, travel - but most importantly it will reshape politics and will make us all more political and more engaged to the one big challenge ahead which is very little room left for a sustainable world, unless we all act collectively and immediate - in the same way we need to react to this epidemic.

https://www.bloomberg.com/opinion/articles/2020-03-13/history-suggests-stock-market-crash-has-further-to-run

#risk parity gold investing

[siren-theories]

Do Sirens have body hair?

TL, DR.: Females seem to consistently not have body hair, for males it is more complicated and seems to be a genetic choice between having body hair or facial hair. 

All images are taken from the PG-13 show Siren on Freeform. 

When I first saw the question by the very talented @imaginejolls (go read their Siren fanfic on Ao3 it is awesome) my initial answer would have been an (overconfident) "of course they do have body hair". This was based on a simple assumption: 

Sirens are biologically very close to humans, so close in fact that they can mate with humans and produce fertile offspring. This is a big deal as it means that Sirens are more closely related to humans than donkeys are to horses or zebras are to horses (different species that can produce infertile offspring with each other). So therefore it stands to reason that in everything (except for those things the show explicitly tells us are different) Sirens are generally replicating the human baseline. We see this for example with their diets - while they prefer fish, they are biologically speaking omnivores (Cami and Ryn for example ate fruit and digested it with no problem at all). So based on that I would have confidently claimed that they would have body hair.

I soon however realized that a more measured approach needs to be taken. For example, while things work the same or may even look the same on the outside there are several cases in the show where they are not the same. Take for example the reproductive system of the mermaids, which definitely is not human in structure even though it has human elements, works like a human reproductive system and is compatible with a human reproductive system. Another example of "similar looking, same function but different" would be the bones and muscles of our mermaids which are way denser and stronger than their human equivalents. So while I still think the general argument that they are very close to humans is a correct one there needs to be a case-by-case study being done to see if we can find evidence in the show itself for questions such as the one that is being posed here. 

Let's dive deep into the visual evidence of the show for body hair. I apologize in advance if pictures of armpits and male chests are not your thing. 

Part A: Females

We certainly never see as much as a hint of body hair on Ryn or any other female mermaid. The most exposed we see Ryn is in a backshot (Episode 102), her undressing on the boat (in 201) and the transformation scene in 210. She does not have any visible body hair in those scenes.

Ryn in 102 - notice the abscence of any body hair, especially in the armpit area.

Ryn in 201. At this time she has spent enough time out of the water that we would expect her to exhibit some signs of body hair.

What about the lower body areas? Ryn's legs are smooth and hairless.

Ryn’s (and Maddie’s)  legs from 209 (there also are plenty of leg shots in 205 when she was on land a lot longer but these suffer from bad lighting or lack of focus. Suffice to say they too do not depict any body hair).

Now it might be the case that Ryn decided to adopt human customs and started shaving her armpits and legs. I highly doubt this to be the case though as Ryn is quite possibly the person most comfortable with her body on the show. Everytime her body comes up in conversation she is very proud of it (except when one compares it to sharks). There is no indication at all that she would conform to human beauty standards or even feels the need to change anything about her body. After all, if she does not care a lot about what clothes she wears what are the odds that she suddenly cares about how much (hypothetical) body hair she is showing? And I cannot imagine any situation in Season 1 where Ben or Maddie or Helen would have decided to teach Ryn how to shave her body hair, nor can I imagine any situation where something this intimate and something this unimportant to the issues facing our protagonists in those episodes would even have been discussed. Considering Ryn reacted almost violently to slight pressure on her arm during an attempt by Ben to measure blood pressure in episode 103 it seems highly unlikely anybody would have even tried bringing a razor blade near her body.

Therefore, it seems most likely that Ryn at no point shaved her body hair and therefore it seems most likely she never had any body hair on her legs or armpits in the first place.

Due to this not being some HBO fleshfest no visual evidence exists for the genital areas (and thank god for that because that would not fit the tone of this show or the respect with which the show treats its characters). However I find it very unlikely that Ryn or other female sirens would have body hair in the genital area if their entire body is missing body hair elsewhere. Body hair in that particular area would also cause problems with transformation as said area is covered by layers of additional flesh and muscle in the water form. Having hair covered by flesh and muscle is not a good thing biologically speaking (if you want a horror show google "ingrown hair"). Given how Ryn's skin is also more insulating than human skin as shown in 208 there would not be a need to have body hair in the first place.

Furthermore, we have no indication that for the females forming body hair is even an option to form during their transformation.

Ryn's immediate post-transformation body in 210 shows no sign of any body hair (neatly sidestepping the whole ingrown hair issues).

The same seems to be true for the other female sirens who never exhibit any sign of body hair, not even when in states of light dress or undress (various scenes in Helen's shop or in the forest from the first half of Season 2 come to mind.)

Convincing any of those apex predators to start shaving seems out of character for any of the humans that interacted with them (they had a lot more important things to do) and in any case I cannot imagine that any attempt to convince an apex predator to let a sharp blade come anywhere near vulnerable body areas would have gone over well. In fact, it would have been downright stupid and suicidal to even attempt such a thing.

Therefore I have no other option but to conclude that female Sirens do not have body hair in human form.

Part B: Males

But what about the Males? After all, body hair does differ in humans as well according to their respective sex. 

Frank's body exhibits facial hair but otherwise is devoid of body hair, as seen in 205 before he jumps into the water.

This is also several days after his first transition, so if he has the capacity to grow body hair in those areas we would expect it to be shown there. As there definitely is nobody who has ever taught Frank to shave his body I would therefore argue male Sirens also have no body hair.

So case closed. No body hair whatsoever.

And then it got complicated, because there is one male Siren who constantly exhibits body hair.

Levi in Episode 108 (the first time he comes on land) has chest chair in human form. We get a closeup of his chest in Episode 201 when Ben drains the fluid from his lungs, this also shows clear chest hair despite him only having transformed a short time ago.

Levi in 108 and 201. 

However Levi is also an aberration in that he has no facial hair at all (and does not grow any during his time on land) but has body hair at the time of his transformation. Truth be told I do not know how to classify Levi. Is he the one exception that prove the rule? Is he the rare case where the recessive genes (body hair) triumph over the dominant genes (no body hair) in the males? Or did the writers and directors forget to be consistent here?

Assuming that Levi is not special in the genetic category the conclusion must be that for male Sirens you either have facial hair but no body hair (Frank) or you have body hair but no facial hair (Levi).

I tried to get a tiebreaker in the form of the walking sperm bank of Episode 214 but the lightning in his scenes prevented me from getitng any good evidence either way. I also wish I had more than two examples to base this analysis on - I am in general much less certain when it comes to the males than when it comes to the females as we have many more examples of the former than the latter. 

So after examining all visual evidence and the case for and against body hair, I have to conclude that my earlier assumption of them having body hair was wrong for the females and at least partly wrong for the males. It seems females have no body hair at all and males seem to either have facial hair or body hair - but not both.

Thank you for reading this long post about a (seemingly) trivial issue. I look forward to any criticism or additional information you might have, feel free to drop them via reply or message anytime.

TL, DR.: Females seem to consistently not have body hair, for males it is more complicated and seems to be a genetic choice between having body hair or facial hair.

(Oh and here is an imgur link for bigger versions of the pictures in case you have trouble viewing them in the low resolution I used for the article) 

#ryn #siren #siren freeform #analysis #god this took longer than I thought #why does Levi have to complicate things #need more male sirens to be sure #hmmm what should I analyze next

[herzenswarme]

Fighting game difficulty and accessibility

Summary

In the recent years, the fighting game scene has been seeing a shift in design philosophies. From the casual to the increasingly competitive, we are seeing a tendency towards going back to the casual.

To do that, developers are attempting to make the game easier so new players do not get intimidated or frustrated when learning the game, which so far has not worked at all. Now, reducing the difficulty is not necessarily bad. However, as I’ll will explain, there are more than one way to do so, and not all of them are good.

In this entry I’ll go over some things regarding what makes up the difficulty of a game and what I consider the *do*s and *don’t*s of bringing in new players.

Difficulty: of complexity, information, and execution

Currently, I divide the complexity of a fighting game in 3 different factors:

Complexity

Information

Execution

Complexity

The first factor, complexity, is the one I use to denominate games as complex or simple. Which is a term that is often used in quite an ambiguous way. Here, complexity stems from computational complexity and it is defined as the function of the amount of operations required to do a task based on the size of the data.

Thus, having a lot of moves is not necessarily complex. That is only data. Complexity comes from how many operations you have to perform, intellectually and not mechanically, when using the moves. It would be represented by f(n) where n is the number of moves.

If every move were to be the same, then f(n)=1. Because it doesn’t matter which move you use, there is no real operation needed other that choosing one at random, regardless of how many there are.

A single move, however, could have way more complexity than multiple moves by having properties that require more operations. A puppet, such as that of Carl Clover, involves both a second point of reference for distance that requires you to measure 2 extra distances and evaluate your actions in relation to them, and an extra resource to be managed as these puppets are linked to their own health bar.

This is the most rich factor in difficulty, as it makes the game keep your mind more active and thus makes it more engaging. When making a game simple, you are taking the risk to make it boring straight away, or in the long term. Furthermore, complexity inherently will increase the Information factor, as you not only need to understand the nuances of your character’s mechanics but also all others.

When reducing complexity, the game will be easier to understand and learn; but you will definitely reduce the enjoyment for those who know how to play and those who eventually learn. For that, I consider that you should never reduce complexity.

Information

Here we have the raw data you have to memorise as part of learning a game. This is what makes up the data that will then be part of the complexity function. However, not all the information will have the same weight over the complexity of the game.

Let’s take as an example a mechanic in which if a happens, you do x; if b happens, you do y; and if c happens, you do z. Here, you have a table with 3 rows relating the event with the reaction. Here, the complexity is low (approximately f(n) would be O(n), though the human brain might work in such a way that it is even lower), and removing that information so for both a,b, and c can be deal with using action z could be a safe accessibility change.

As a real example, throws in Tekken can be broken in 3 ways: 1, 2, or 1+2; depending on the throw. The function of a throw is already covered by the need to tech it, so the use of 3 different inputs is not really necessary. Another example would be Guilty Gear’s character dependant wake up times. Again, this is just a table that would effectively be O(1), as you simply delay you action the necessary time or use a whole different setup if preferred. Such things can difficult learning but won’t really offer much to the player in terms of engagement.

Of course, there’s information that stems directly from complexity, such as the pull force of Kokonoe’s Gravitons, the speed and trajectory of Bridget’s yoyo, etc. To remove this it would mean removing high complexity elements thus noticeably reducing complexity, which is terribly undesirable.

Alongside this, there’s information that is necessary for the design even if not quite significant in complexity. For example, the previous {a→x,b→y, c→z} table is also present in the most standard attack types (low, overhead, throw), which are necessary in order not to make defence too easy thus balancing the effort needed for both defence and offence.

Information is a great choice for reducing the difficulty of the game, but has to be done with care as per not to reduce complexity significantly.

Execution

This one refers to the mechanical requirements in terms of speed and precision when performing inputs. Currently, reactions would be factored here as well.

Execution can really increase difficulty but cannot increase complexity, as it is purely mechanical. Some kinds of execution can be crucial to the game design, however. The requirements on reaction time are key for pressure to be effective and for mix-ups to exist. In the same way, special move inputs have some inherent properties that balance them in an organic way by making them slower without reducing responsiveness with additional startup; or make them direction dependant. Thus, some subsets of the execution factor should not be removed recklessly. If you want to have 1 button specials, you must be careful with which direction you assign to which move.

The execution requirements for combos, however, neither affect the complexity nor the design of the game. These can be removed from the game baseline safely. However, there are players who do enjoy these requirements. 

Because of that, my recommendation is to remove it from the baseline but keeping it for some characters. Having 2 or 3 characters with high execution requirements won’t affect the experience of new players and will be there to please the players that enjoy it.

Further accommodating new and casual players

During these attempts to get a wider audience, developers have tried time and time again to make games easier. Guilty Gear Xrd and Street Fighter V reduced execution; Xrd and Skullgirls added more elaborate tutorials; Blazblue and Xrd added alternative modes with 1 button specials; King of Fighters XIV and Dragon Ball FighterZ added auto-combos... All to no avail. Now, Guilty Gear 2020 seems to actively reduce complexity in yet another attempt to bring in new players, likely with no result.

What, as I see it, is being done wrong here is thinking that the intricacy of the game-play is the element that pushes people away. However, this is for the most part not the case. People with no special interest in fighting games played hard and complicated games like Marvel vs Capcom 2 without problems. SF2 was one of the most popular games of its time, too. So what happened?

To me, the differentiating factor between the older times and the current age is the heavy focus in competition. The content of the game is strictly focused on the competitive setting. The elaborate tutorials, in the end, aim to get you to partake in the competitive mindset.

Don’t get me wrong, the competitive element in fighting games is the one I consider the most important; however, if you really want the casual audience, you must offer them an engaging single player package. Because what they seek is a more laid back environment that is not so competitive. They want to play single player modes or matches against their friends. 

And thus they need good single player functionality with hopefully good replayability. With this part of the audience, the competitive route should be considered an optional part, a byproduct of the engagement with the single player component.

#fighting games #game design

[calorieworkouts]

How long should your HIIT workouts actually be?

High-intensity period training has been all the heart-racing craze since it, emergency room, hit the fitness scene numerous moons ago.

But the sweat set may not recognize that the most reliable component of the workout is also the very point the majority of individuals misunderstand. 'They assume high-intensity, high quantity-- rather than high-intensity, low volume,' explains Rachel Vaziralli, the innovative supervisor of team fitness at Equinox and also exercise-science professional. 'You can't perform at a true high strength if [the workout] is long.'

Too commonly HIIT is used as a basic synonym for 'hardcore' to explain workouts that are 60 minutes or longer. Specifically in store fitness classes, where intensity has actually come to be a near fixation, the term obtains sprayed like a five-pound medication sphere. What is the ideal quantity of time to HIIT before you quit?

' If you can go much longer than thirty minutes, you weren't actually striving enough.'-- Rachel Vaziralli, creative supervisor of group health and fitness at Equinox

' If you can go much longer than 30 minutes, you weren't really striving sufficient,' Vaziralli says. The whole point, she discusses, 'is to push to unsustainable strengths.' (Having taken her brand-new Firestarter class at the health club chain, I can attest that half a hr is lots of time for HIIT-- I could hardly take a breath after concerning 10 mins.)

Of course, you (of perspiring ambitions) might be thinking, Why not just keep layering extra extreme periods on for a much longer, tougher workout?

By doing so, you're basically placing in extra benefit little added gain-- and your time is most definitely valuable. 'What happens is your body simply readjusts, so you keep back on the strength,' Vaziralli claims. 'You're investing more time than [needed] for the exact same outcomes.' And also possibly most importantly, you're also hectic to deal with an injury-- which may happen if you try to press to that unsustainable, hostile strength for an extensive period of time.

Before you schedule 7, 30-minute day-to-day HIIT workouts straight though, keep in mind: The exact same 'HIIT it and quit it' logic additionally uses on an once a week basis. 'There are numerous kinds as well as formats of high-intensity training offered without examined suggestions on how much is excessive,' Jinger Gottschall, PhD told Shape.

Dr. Gottschall-- who has rounded up data from HIIT enthusiasts for years—recently partnered with global exercise platform Les Mills to learn just how much time weekly you should actually invest training in your 90 to 100 percent max heart-rate area in order to produce the best results.

In a small research study of 35 people (28 being females), participants were asked to develop their baseline for 3 weeks, tracking their heart rate and also mood throughout their regular workouts. Dr. Gottschall's group of researchers asked them to finish 2 30-minute HIIT exercises, 4 hrs apart.

Based on saliva examples gathered before, directly adhering to, as well as 30 minutes after the cooldown, researchers determined the participants' cortisol as well as testosterone levels to see simply how valuable the additional dose of HIIT really was. The results? 'I was amazed by the evident distinction between doing 30 to 40 mins [of HIIT] and doing greater than 45 minutes. The difference in efficiency, stress-related sensations, and also sleep quality were significant,' said Gottschall. Simply put, as well much high-intensity training problems your body similarly to the method overtraining does-- yikes!

The lower line: For the finest results, choose between maxing out in much shorter workouts or instead going with longer, continual cardio as well as strength-training sessions. And also when you do plan your sweat routine for the week, ensure super-high strength sessions just use up a half-hour slot.

Proof that you really can pack a lot of power in a little time: This 10-minute coastline workout Halle Berry's fitness instructor advocates. If you're reassessing your physical fitness routines, attempt to stay clear of these 10 fitness center artificial the following time you exercise.

#exercise #fitness #fitness center #fitness classes #fitness instructor #health #health and fitness #health club #physical fitness #workout #workout regimen #workouts

[fierceawakening]

@benevolentwanderer fyi, some of the "surgeons act like they have aspd" isn't because they came in that way, but a learned mechanism for dealing with the mental stress involved. "Queasiness" is an underestimate of the emotions triggered when you cut into a living being (even an animal!) to the point it's almost totally inaccurate. Getting used to doing that fundamentally changes some of your baseline emotional responses to stimuli.

Oh, I don’t disagree. I was oversimplifying.

Hell, I’m not a doctor, much less a surgeon, but I strongly suspect some of my taste for horror/artsy blood would not at all exist if I had not been cut open repeatedly, seen a worrying amount of my own blood and effluvia, etc. Pre-surgery me got an exemption from dissecting a frog in science class. Post-surgery me would probably still not want to, but I... don’t think my visceral reaction to the idea is quite the same.

That said, I don’t think it lowered my empathy by any definition I know, and I seem to still get people labeling mine as high. And that’s I think what was making me so leery of seebs and their claims that low empathy people make better whatevers because they don’t go blorsh.

I still go blorsh. But I’m able to act in spite of it, and I feel like that whole... edifice of explanation I was arguing against really... doesn’t differentiate at all between lack of emotion and desensitization, much LESS BETWEEN the bad kind of desensitization (“oh kids at the border are shitting themselves? Okay”) and the good kind (“that person’s mangled flesh shoudl horrify me, but I’m the only one here to help. Gonna hurl LATER, not NOW.”)

[sayitwithsarcophilus]

I was thinking about fruit bat vampires and such, and came up with this for potential urban fantasy projects.

Chiropterans: these are not undead, being closer to werebeasts and other shapeshifters (and in the sanguivores’ case, tieflings), but they have enough distinctive qualities that they get their own category instead of being lumped in with the other lycanthropes.

Sanguivores: Blood-drinkers who turn into vampire bats.  The most conventionally “vampiric” of the lot.  Sanguivores can feed on any large mammal, but human blood is both delicious and mildly addictive to them (about the same level as caffeine) so the number of strict “vegetarian vampires” is lower than you might think.  (There are a few sanguivores who have a kind of metaphysical vitamin deficiency and need a little human blood on the regular or they get peaky, and a rare minority whose reaction to human blood is more “cocaine” than “caffeine.”)  It is, however, considered bad form to drain people to death.    

Sanguivores are the most predatory of the chiropterans, and the ones whose powers tend to be best suited for physical combat.  In a fighter/mage/thief array, they’d be the fighters.  However, they also value beauty and charisma, and have some low-level social psychic powers, which they can use to amplify their force of personality or, conversely, to project a “nothing to see here, I am Most Definitely Not A People-Eating Monster” innocuous aura.  They’re not inherently evil, but they do have a heightened prey drive compared to humans and quite a bit of ego, and as elder sanguivores become more detached from humanity over the centuries, they tend to become more callous and narcissistic.  Sanguivore politics can be pretty insufferable.

Sanguivores’ origin is uncertain, but the most common theory is that they’re descended from lilitu (blood-drinking nocturnal shapeshifting bird-demons), which is why, despite not being demons or undead themselves, they can be repelled with religious artifacts and other techniques that function against evil spirits (including garlic).  

Frugivores: Juice-drinkers who turn into fruit bats.  Native to the Old World tropics, but now found anywhere fruit is easily accessible year-round.  Sometimes referred to as “Brahmins” in older sources, because of their vegetarianism, commitment to spiritual and intellectual pursuits, strong presence in South Asia, and, in the temperate zone, preference for embracing from the upper classes.  (This is often seen as a sign of the frugivores’ snobbery, but there was also a practical aspect - before the 20th century, you had to be pretty well-off to have fruit year-round if you lived in a cool climate.)  They prefer to live peacefully with humans and other supernatural creatures, but they have a tense relationship with sanguivores.  (”So you hippies think you’re better than us?!”  “Quite frankly, yes, because we don’t eat people.”)

Frugivores are not warriors - generally not needing to fight anything more menacing than a durian - and their only real physical powers are centered around Running (or flying) The Fuck Away.  However, they have strong psychic potential and know a lot of obscure and esoteric lore.  In other words, they’re the wizards.  Frugivores tend to embrace people with strong intellectual and/or spiritual interests, from Talmudic scholars (fruit is kosher!) to tabletop game designers.  They are Nerds.  Because of their general avoidance of violence, there are many surviving frugivore elders, but the population in Europe and North America leans rather young by chiropteran standards.  (They had a population boom after the development of shelf-stable pasteurized juice and the California commercial citrus industry in the late 19th century.)  Frugivores gone bad tend to become insufferable intellectual snobs or would-be cult leaders.  

Insectivores: Bug (and other invertebrate) eaters who turn into insect-eating microchiroptera.  Widespread and numerous, but don’t get much attention, which is how they like it.  Some stories say that insectivores are the descendants of sanguivores or frugivores who were cursed to become bug-eating gremlins for their arrogance, but it’s more likely that insectivores are the original, baseline bat-people from which the blood and juice-suckers diverged in the distant past.

In human form, insectivores aren’t notably smaller than other humans, but they do carry an undefinable “awful little creature” energy.  With advanced age, they get kind of batty-looking (a bit like Ferengi with hair), and even the young ones have notably big ears.  Insectivores have sharp senses, especially hearing (up to and including echolocation), and they’re very stealthy and fast, but they don’t have sanguivores’ raw offensive power (at least not against anything larger than a crawdad).  They’re the rogues to sanguivores’ fighters and frugivores’ wizards.  Catching enough mosquitos on the wing to feed a 100+ lb person can get very tedious, but fortunately, insectivores can eat a wide variety of other invertebrates, including popcorn shrimp.

Insectivores don’t favor any particular social class or occupational group, but they do try to select for resourcefulness, resiliency, and the ability to keep one’s mouth shut.  They try to avoid physical violence, but a fair number of them become safecrackers or cat burglars.  Insectivores get along well with wererats, who share their undignified reputations and interest in sneaking around places they shouldn’t be.  Insectivores gone bad tend to become complexity-addicted schemers or counterproductively secretive.

#urban fantasy #vampires #(most of whom aren't actually vampires) #nananana BAT PEOPLE!