#and then wouldn’t tell me where to go

[shoutsindwarvish]

i had what might’ve been a neurological event over a month ago (that i wrote off as psychosomatic until my therapist told me to talk to my doctor) and my pcp referred me for an mri to find out for sure. all well and good (albeit nerve-wracking), especially since i’m lucky enough to have the money for it right now. i’m scheduled to get it in about a week.

i had an regularly scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist a few days later and told her what had happened and also that i have a lot of anxiety about it but otherwise feel fine. she freaked out and told me to reduce my antidepressants immediately because she thinks it might be serotonin syndrome. even though 1) i looked up the symptoms of serotonin syndrome and literally none of the symptoms match, 2) it makes absolutely no fucking sense because i’ve been taking the same meds for over a year and never had this happen until now (and the other two similar events in the past happened BEFORE i started taking new meds) and 3) she didn’t even bother saying i could have adverse effects or ask how i’d like to proceed. i mentioned that i know i’ll have withdrawal and if it’s necessary she just ignored me and told me to do it

that was thursday and the ssri withdrawal is starting to hit real bad and i’m bitter because i don’t think she gives a fuck that she’s causing me suffering and she just wanted to feel like she was doing something and now i’m dizzy and nauseous and feel Wrong™️ and it could’ve been completely fucking avoided, i felt perfectly fine other than anxiety (which lowering meds will not help). this is not the first time she has made a med change without giving a shit about my input. (yes, i could disobey her, but that creates other problems.)

basically i wish psychiatrists who actually give a shit weren’t almost impossible to find so i don’t have to settle for one who doesn’t treat me like an addict when prescribing adhd meds

#rant over #my posts #brain blogging #the addict thing is from experience btw. the psychiatrist i had before this one was a huge fucking bitch. #she said she wanted to urine test me before she’d refill my prescription #(despite being on adhd meds since age 10) #and then wouldn’t tell me where to go #and only looked at her emails a few times a week #AND THEN #she literally smiled when i started crying when she said she was taking away by benzos #and let me panic and say they’d improved my quality of life #just looked super fucking smug as if my reaction proved she was right and that i was an addict #before saying she was going to prescribe an alternative prn #and then looked CONFUSED when i immediately calmed down #because i didn’t WANT to take benzos because of their abuse potential #she was also overall super condescending #(the one before her also sucked but not as egregiously) #so basically i know i can do worse but fuck i wish i could do better #i guess the rant was not over lol

[quietwingsinthesky]

See, the thing about the Amy episode that makes Dean’s actions so reprehensible is not only the part where he doesn’t trust Sam and goes behind his back to kill Amy or even the hypocrisy of Dean ‘you can’t change what you are so you’re going to kill someone eventually’ Winchester sparing the kid right after stabbing his mom, it’s that Amy is very explicitly supposed to be a Sam parallel. There is no other way about it, from the they’re both freaks part of it to Dean dropping the line about ‘the other shoe’ right before he kills her, she is Sam, how Dean reacts to her is supposed to give us insight into how he feels about Sam. And Dean. kills her.

The not very subtle subtext being that Dean is ready to off Sam if he goes too far off the deep end? He’s aggressive and mistrustful of Sam at every turn in the episode, lays the feet of it all at Sam’s hallucinations maybe leading him astray, but end of the day, Sam’s crimes here are A) was tortured in Hell and B) is traumatized by that in a way that makes Dean’s life more difficult.

And it is hard to watch. To spend this whole episode with Sam being completely functional on his own, making a rational decision based on past experience and on all the information about Amy he has available, and for the episode to end with, ‘but yeah, if dean thinks sam goes too far, he’s probably gonna kill him. because sam can’t change or be fixed, so it’s for the good of everyone that he be put down.’

#and then of course there’s the issue of the subtext setting something up that gets no resolution like. there is no point where dean is ever #really going to be able to kill Sam. no matter how bad his hallucinations get. not even a mercy kill crosses his mind later that season #which means that the Amy episode gets rewritten later from ‘explicit Sam parallel’ to ‘well we can use this for Brother Drama™️’ #god. god. and really what gets me about the Amy episode in general. like Thee Horrifying Part to me. #most of their hunts are very life or death. that’s how we get around the morality of it. either they kill the monster or it kills them. #Amy’s. not that. Dean tracks her down while she’s running and kills her while she’s asking him not to. #like if she had attacked him the scene would be totally different. but she doesn’t. she doesn’t even fight back. and he kills her. #like she has a kid and Dean is an unfriendly hunter in her motel room. it wouldn’t be out of the question for her to try to kill him #to protect herself and her kid. but she doesn’t. she doesn’t. I don’t know what you can take away from that except that she was telling #sam the truth about not wanting to be a murderer. if she won’t even try to kill Dean to protect herself. #there is no way to look at this episode that makes Dean come out looking good unless you’re willing to claim everything Amy said was a lie #AND that Dean would be right to kill Sam for *checks notes* Being Visibly Mentally Ill #fucked up. why’d they do this. #spn #dean winchester #sam winchester #amy pond #like to be clear if you’ve got a different view on this that’s. not the above thing I just said. please tell me. #because from where I’m standing Dean doesn’t come out of this clean in any way

[sunmisbf]

hope is a very dangerous thing for a miyane like me to have… but i have it

#sunmi keeps talking about her new song (singular) BUT of course she’s just talking about the title track right….. #she can’t spoil that it’s an album this soon… right…? #no bc she herself said that after stranger promotions were over she was going to prepare for the full album #unless this is a pre release single? #everyone remain calm it’s too soon to tell but if it’s not an album i’m never trusting her again #seungyoun wouldn’t do this to me where is he. seungyoun wr need u #.txt

[ohlovxr]

mel whyy would you make me think about this!! your eyes literally shine when they look at him sat on his throne and you can’t help but lean forward like you’re in a trance whenever he talks!! and you follow him around everywhere with your books clutched to your chest and cheeks hurting bc every single thing he says makes you laugh. and who can blame eddie for taking advantage of the fact that you’re hopelessly devoted to him after the way everyone in his life treated him?? it’s not like he’s being mean to you! he takes care of you!!

eeekkkkkkk tina!!! everyone in the hellfire club admires him and looks up to him like you saw it on their faces during his first scene right?? so it means so much that he makes it so obvious that you’re his favourite member <33 he goes “hello, m’lady” all jokingly and affectionately in a bad english accent when you walk up to him in the morning because it makes you blush and giggle all cute n he openly sides with you on literally anything when you and the boys are debating something dnd related at lunch

oh but when you say something to back him in front of anybody on literally any topic, which you do pretty much all the time because duh, he throws his arm around your shoulders n squeezes you into him n goes “finally, someone who knows what they’re talking about” to everyone but then grins down at you n goes “smart girl” aksjdkdj

omg and one time, you wear a skirt to school for the first time and he spends the day kinda just staring at you until you get all insecure n ask him if you’ve done something wrong :(( but then he tells you, knowing fully well what he’s doing, “oh no. no, sorry. you just, uh, you look kinda cute. you should wear those more often.” and you do hehe <33 it ends up giving him easy access for when he finally pulls his manipulative little move

#yk when he invites you over to his place late at night #to help him with his campaign n he’s telling you how he wouldn’t let just anyone do this #how you’re there bc you’re his favourite <33 #n when your eyes go all wide and adoring and you go ‘you really mean that?’ #he goes ‘’course.’ and puts a hand on your thigh where your skirt’s riding up ‘you treat me better than anyone else ever has’ #he keeps going when you literally just lean closer to him ‘why don’t you let me treat you huh?’ #n that’s how you end up getting fingered on his couch till you’re shaking n dripping down his wrist <33 #but then the next time he’s invites you over it’s like his little ‘let me treat you’ moment never happened when he asks you to suck him off #n you start getting nervous about it and kinda don’t wanna do it so he just goes ‘it’s only fair though right babe? remember last week?’ #‘don’t you wanna make me feel like that too?’ #eddie munson x reader #notsfw #tw manipulation #tw dubcon #tina i- alsjdkdj #HEHE #tina!!!

[modularvisuals]

Art for Chrissy and Eddie’s Infinite Mixtape written by @little-scribblers-heart

#minor spoilers for fic but this is what I pictured for what Eddie doodled on Chrissy’s cast #fanart of fanfiction #Chrissy and Eddie’s infinite mixtape #I drew this as a tiled picture so it does actually wrap horizontally #messy the hampster is my favorite part of this #eddie x chrissy #hellcheer #eddissy #stranger things fanfiction #my background noise for this was Sweeney Todd 2014 at Avery Fisher Hall #and I realized I really should stop fussing with this drawing when I noticed the bows were happening #it only bothers my perfectionist brain a little bit that the proportions of this drawing wouldn’t actually fit a cast #I’m still looking for a better rough inking brush for krita #fics y’all should read #I can tell where on this drawing it got past my bedtime #I realized I missed the ‘86 after posting and so yes this post was edited about 24 hrs after originally putting it up #it was going to BOTHER me okay?

[guggi04]

Did we get new Kris/Häärijä content tonight?? Did we? Did we????!!👀👀👀

#you telling me they were on stage together and DIDN’T take a pic together where they hugged?? #outrageous #also gotta love how Nace said that Hä wouldn’t come along on the tour #yet here he is #because Jere can’t go a single day without his emotional support clone #/pos naturally i do love all of them and THEIR LIESSSS!!! #joker out #käärijä #because of my tags yk #jere pöyhönen #häärijä #kris guštin #hääris 4 lyfe #Hääris

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

pffffft what? no debbie gallagher scene could make me cry. she’s an annoying drop out teen mom who’s character was ruined. nobody likes her, why would i cry ove-

“hey! celia! tonya! open the goddamn door! give me back my baby! give me back my daughter! hey, franny! franny- franny, baby! oh- i’m here! mommy’s here, baby, i’m right here! i will kill you if you don’t give me back my daughter! i’ll fucking kill you! you hear me? i’ll burn your house down! you hear me? she needs me!”

#where’s emma kenney’s emmy for this scene?? #where is it?? #debbie literally created franny so that she wouldn’t be abandoned #she made her so that she would never leave- she remembers feeling such a connection with her mother- and she would’ve never left monica #but then franny is stolen from her #and debbie has just lost everything- all she really had was franny #yes she had neil but she wouldn’t have done that if she wasn’t desperate to keep her kid safe #and what debbie says makes me feel like its what she wanted to hear from monica #that she was here and she would kill to get her daughter back #because monica was never there and debbie was taken away several times #which makes what monica says/does hurt more #she gets franny back #and then tells debbie ‘daughters always miss their mommies- did you miss me?’ #and debbie doesn’t say yes #as if what monica did didn’t rip her up inside #as if the abandonment was nothing to her and as if she ever ends up recovering from what monica did to her #emma kenney is so talented with comedic and dramatic acting #i could go on and on about it #y’all just can’t see it because you hate debbie but emma can ACT #i wish she was in more but she really isn’t in much and she doesn’t get to show off her skills often #shameless #debbie gallagher #franny gallagher #7x08

[clintbartoncore]

I’m starting a rumor that Clint originally gave Coulson a chance as his handler because he was the first senior officer he got assigned to who was also queer. Clint wasn’t being recalcitrant when he was acting like a rebellious little shit for all his other handlers, he was being heterophobic.

#jokes on Clint though because he wouldn’t have fallen in love with any of his straight handlers #.txt #in this scenario in my mind Coulson is gay and Clint has been a freewheeling bisexual since before he realized that #not all people were attracted to other kinds of people than the opposite sex #he had no awareness of homophobia bc nobody took the time to teach it to him :( #the group home was like one of those mythical boarding schools where puppy piles were a regular thing #At first his behavior strikes Phil as macho posturing and so Phil puts his sexuality front and center ('Barton most people #don’t care enough to know this and I don’t tend to advertise it but I’m gay. Tell me now if that’s going to be a problem for you.’) #thinking that it will get Clint off his hands and stop Phil from having to deal with his misbehavior #jokes on Phil though because Clint just gets excited and doubles down. ('Hey! another queer person in this stodgy gvt org!') #Also in my heart of hearts I believe that SHIELD is predominantly a place for weirdos and outcasts for one reason or another so #it’s chock full of queer people. but in this scenario I like the idea of it being 50/50 paramilitary (and therefore v straitlaced and #heteronormative) and half discreet queer people with their own established in-organization subculture #obviously Phil introduces Clint to the rest of the subculture. he starts with just a few people who are okay with being outed until he’s #sure that Clint isn’t pranking him #clintcoulson #phlint #the joke is on both of them actually for thinking that homophobia in any direction could shield them from anything at all

[yuriprince]

dad randomly making me make dinner for everyone AGAIN

#it’s not that i dont want to cook like obviously i know i need to learn to cook #but can he NOT FUCKING SPRING IT ON ME WITHOUT ANY WARNING AND COMPLETELY DISRUPT MY SCHEDULE #we talked about it in therapy yesterday like can’t i just have one day. one day where i know going into it that cooking is up to me #so i’m not pissed off when i have to drop what i’m doing to do it #and like i Know in the real world i’ll have to do it everyday i Know that but for now i’m still learning and i would like some time to #prepare. like what is so out of the question about that request #i’m talking to him abt it now and he just thinks i don’t wanna do it. that is not what i’m saying at all bro #you wouldn’t tell a kid to stop playing with their toys and clean their room out of the blue without some protest #i don’t know what to tell you man i’m sorry i got a fuckbrain #stormy day at the castle

[tevinter-pariah]

In terms of how they write lyrics and music, the heavy utilization of references, and the vibes™️ I propose that Will Wood and Dave Malloy are the same sort of weird music dude just like a generation and genre apart, and if they for one ever collaborated it would unlock a whole new genre of music beyond our comprehension, which is also now the thing I want most in this life.

#I’m thinking about Actually and Fugue State from Octet and like Will Wood’s White Noise and The Main Character #there’s something about the deep sadness and vulnerability both these men convey in some of their music paired with the absolutely feral #lyrics and references where you need like Wikipedia open as you parse song lyrics to unpack the meanings and have like phenomenal use of #instrumentation and the lack thereof and can do great work at crazy tempos and slow songs like I’m sorry they have such similar vibes #truly so many of the undiagnosed and diagnosed autistic girlies (gender nuetral) like Dave malloy and will wood and there’s a reason #look me in the eye and tell me that will wood wouldn’t write ‘Fugue State’ after ‘I Liked This (Okay Computer)’ like same vibes entirely #will wood can’t go on hiatus for this reason sorry :( #dave malloy #will wood #emry eloquates

[skinreflectsthesun]

.

#Laughing at the fact that I’m going to be writing my dad a thoughtful little Father’s Day card #that is just filled with straight up lies. #what id rather say is this #thank you for making me aware of just how fucked up you are #thank you for spending the majority of my life convincing me my mom was the problem #thank you for never showing me what an actual loving and caring marriage looks like #thank you for making me feel like I have to always apologize but then telling me to stop apologizing #thank you for never coming to any of my soccer games but then pushing for the fact that you always had to work. #you actually didn’t you just didn’t care. #thank you for being a dick to my brother and making him feel like he had to go to extremes to be a man #thank you for calling me fat after I just had a baby. #thank you for causing conflict in my life during a sensitive time in my life where I’m trying to step into a role of motherhood #while also being a wife and daughter and trying to find myself again #thank you for always getting your feelings hurt but never wondering how you hurt mine. #thank you for never holding yourself accountable for your behavior and your actions #thank you for constantly guilting me by implying that you’ll die some day and I’ll feel bad #thank you for saying that I wouldn’t have any of the nice things in my life if it weren’t for my husband #my husband told me that’s just not true that I’m a good person who deserves good things regardless of if I’m with him or not. #thank you for cursing me by saying one day I’ll see how it feels to be you and how my son will treat me just like I treat you #he won’t. #because I’ll do better by him than you ever did for me. #anyways #happy Father’s Day #plz disregard this #I’m feeling things and need a space to put them

[designernishiki]

status update on my mission to 100% and platinum yakuza 0: completion list is at 99.2% and would’ve been finished today if not for pool (carom/combo shots- i made enough money from it though) and batting. my most significant peaks today were probably beating both so and jo amon on the first try miraculously and at one point i got like 34 points in expert koikoi

#if anyone has any advice on pool or batting feel free to tell me because boy am I struggling #and I’m so……so close #oh forgot to mention it but I also did all the climax battles I can for the time being- so a little over half of them maybe? #cant do the rest til I go through the finale and all that #frothing at the fucking mouth . I am so. CLOSE #y0 #rambling #I think I actually like koikoi a little better than oichi kabu ngl. but maybe im just saying that cause I got lucky with koikoi #I do think I’m genuinely okay at it cause like I started to memorize the high point cards and the main hands (especially the high point #but still doable ones like moon viewing and boar/deer/butterfly) and yea worked towards those with my Choices #but still I wouldn’t say I’m Great at it either #not as confident with it as I am with mahjong #but no shit. I played mahjong for like three days straight where as koikoi I maybe spent two or three hours total on #eh actually maybe more like 1-2 hours. took me way less time than oichi kabu #anyway. very very close to 100% completion but still got a bit to go til I can platinum the game since I gotta #go back and do the main story again on legend mode and all that #the finale won’t take long considering I’m crazy maxed out in stats and weapons and all that but going through on legend mode + the rest #of the climax battles will probably be a bit more intensive #really honestly impressed with myself on the Amon fights. like. a month ago I would absolutely assume I’d have to have my friend do those #fights for me cause they’re fucking insane and both have 14 health bars or something like that. but I’ve grown. I’ve learned. i best them #MYSELF. and on HARD at that. very glad I did a ton of shit at the coliseum cause that helped train up for the Amons a Lot. #ok time to shut up and sleep

[plushiehamuko]

one of the most frustrating things in the world is when you are playing a game and the dialogue options for the protag aren’t ooc for them, but they’re just not what you want to say to the character you’re talking to at the time at all. LIKE BOY MOVE OVER LET ME TALK TO THEM

#squishy talks too much #this is how i feel every time akira talks to yusuke. #the time where you have no choice but to make akira tell him to let go of him haunts me. #MAYBE AKIRA WOULD SAY THAT BUT I WOULDN’T #I WOULD NEVER TALK TO MY SPECIAL GUY THAT WAY #MY PERSONAL SPACE IS HIS PERSONAL SPACE BC I LOVE HIM #i also feel this way about hajime a lot #like he would say that. it’s not bad writing #BUT I GOTTA PLAY AS HIM AND I WOULD NOT FUCKIN SAY THAT

[roobylavender]

i think one of the things i want to do over break for funsies is like. rewatch every pak drama of the major contemporary writers nationally hailed as progressive (e.g., umera ahmed, farhat ishtiaq, sameera fazal, etc.) and see how many of the male leads i come out actually still liking. like i want to make an excel spreadsheet cataloguing every red flag that went under my radar as a kid. for science

#bc if we are being real. sooo many of these guys are nothing short of rancid #and while i get the point of a lot of these dramas is to show emotionally stunted men grow #idk how much tolerance i have for certain behaviors now like idk.. #tangentially this is also why complaints of saif from kuch ankahi Really amuse me #like ok so all of the most toxic and insecure men imaginable aren’t a problem for most pak drama fans #but a man who simply lacks agency and is maybe a bit cowardly bc his mother overimposes on him is horrible and unappealing.. #like i’m not saying people have to like him or have a crush on him by any means #but i think it’s weird people are blatantly ignoring he’s being used to comment on how mothers emasculate their sons and strip their agency #and how that doesn’t always translate to those sons being weird toxic alpha males but can simply make them cowardly and unable to stand up #for themselves. which yes. is totally worth criticizing. but it’s strange people think samiya is coddling him #simply bc she’s willing to ask him what he thinks when his mother does or says certain things #if she were coddling him she wouldn’t even bother worrying that he’s a pushover #but instead what she does is prompt him to slowly recognize that he has his own thoughts and feelings and that he can act on him #and that she’s not going to solve his problems for him bc he’s capable of solving them himself #and idk i think that is a narrative worth telling. and i am so willing to cut him slack for being a coward bc he’s the farthest thing from #a toxic alpha male. people have twisted him into being this horrible liar cheat etc for liking someone else prior to his marriage #despite the fact that we are literally being told and shown he’s forced into the marriage and his mom Knows he likes someone else and she #doesn’t care. saif cannot realistically say no without effectively running away and he’s incapable of that bc he fears his mother #he’s not a bad person. he’s just a coward. and his growth will entail that he becomes someone brave enough to take a stand for himself #and personally i am way more open than whatever shite we have in other dramas where it takes a saas abusing her bahu for her son to wake up #to be deleted

[pepprs]

ok. it’s over. and i am alone in the world 🤑🤸🏻‍♀️

#purrs #despair literal despair. it was actually a very good session too like maybe the best one we ever had probably bc he was on his best #behavior 🙄 we talked about redacted like the whole time and barely about me leaving so i didn’t have an opportunity to tell him he sucks or #to not tell him he sucks and now i feel like an idiot for doing this bc he didn’t suck in that session just now. and i want to cry and cry #bc of how good that was but yet how mad i was a few hours ago and how now i just cut myself off from the counseling place ive been going to #for like 5 years and i actually do not want to take a break from counseling i NEED to be in therapy so genuinely and i don’t know where to g #go that i can afford and that will be local etc etc. and now im alone and i cut myself off from the place and the years of notes and #analysis they have on me. i almost wish it had gone badly so that i wouldn’t feel so regretful rn bc oh my god how am i gonna go without #counseling like….. AUGH. iwshould email him and ask for a referral maybe. does anyone know if that’s ok to do <- could so easily google it #im so sad. like so so so sad. i knew when i stopped being angry i’d feel sad and hurt and like. omgggggg. this is terrible. what have i done

[archersgaymerblog]

Morrowind moments I desperately want to hyperanalyze but feel like I don’t have the language to do so: When the Nerevarine asks Vivec if they remember being mortal, and they say “For me — there is no more feeling. Only knowing.” And then a literal written [Pause] before Vivec says they do want to win though, not for their people, but because “To lose would be very, very bitter.” And how those two paragraphs alone shaped Vivec’s character for me more than anything else they said or did during that confrontation, as I felt it was one of the few moments we saw Vivec being completely, brutally, honest.

#my dumb textposts #LONG TAGS #coupled with the fact that right after you ask them how they feel about their people #and suddenly go on to say they love their people after literally JUST saying they no longer have the capacity to care for them #Vivec is a walking bundle of contradiction and is one of the most compelling and interesting characters in TES imo. voryn is also Up There #how the two of them counteract each other during the nerevarine’s story is also very compelling to me #Vivec describes dagoth ur as a deceiver and manipulator who will seek to deceive the nerevarine. however by all accounts- #-dagoth ur is TERRIFYINGLY honest towards the nerevarine. he gives what I believe is the most accurate rendition of the events that- #occurred on red mountain after the war. Vivec on the other hand carries themself as only incredibly honest and truthful - #- even going so far as to claim they eradicated the idea of the contradiction in their sermons. but Vivec just IS a contradiction.- #-their godhood (and the godhood of the other tribunal) is built on the foundation of a lie that they desperately tried to suppress as- #-they grew weaker in power. they claim to be honest but lie to your face. in their most honest rendition of the events of red mountain they- #-don’t even MENTION nerevar’s passing (the written account taken from their library). it’s just implied that Nerevar died and they don’t- #-touch on HOW it happened. and in my mind I read that as like. they know what happened. but this is an honest retelling. but they couldn’t- #-tell the truth but they wouldn’t outright lie either. so they just didn’t mention nerevar’s death at /all./ #idk where I’m going with the tags just. Vivec is so gd interesting. in all their complexities and super moral grayness. #and hey - I recognize others might not see the events the same. Morrowind is a game of unreliable narrators!! it’s about piecing- #-the story together in a way that gives you and your character the most closure. there’s no hard truth or right answer. #there isn’t a bug evil dragon labeled the Most Evilest Dragon for you to defeat. it’s a story where even after finishing it… there’s a- #-sense of like. did you really do what was best? is this land that is now your responsibility going to prosper from your actions? #and honest to god the fact that Skyrim comes in and says ‘It doesn’t.’ is fucking RIVETING. YOU WERE A DAEDRA PLOY THE WHOLE TIME!! #AZURA DIDNT CARE SHE JUST WANTED REVENGE. AND NOW YOU LIVE WITH THAT FOREVER BECAUSE OF THE CORPRUS THAT YOU WERE DESTINED BY HER TO GET. #FUCKING STELLAR WRITING I LOVE MORROWIND #I HAVE TO GET TO SLEEP I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW. ITS JUST ONE CLASS BUT ITS EARLY SO