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dorkylittleweirdo · 4 years

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crazy shit that happened during high school

freshman year:

my favorite teacher (pe coach) ended up being a pedophile. it’s kinda scary to think about bc like,, that was my favorite teacher and i trusted him and if he tried anything with me i don’t think i would’ve stopped him and just yikes. but yeah, it was a whole thing. once the school found out they got the police involved and he fled the state. they got him in the end but i mean,, i spent a lot of time in the secretary’s office crying about it bc i really trusted that dude and i was distraught over it. that might’ve been where my trust issues started??? fun stuff

my school shut down. like i mean,, bc it was a charter school and we had to get the charter renewed. but the board at my school wasn’t using their money the way they were supposed to. it was a whole thing, like the principal left that school year bc he knew what was happening, couldn’t stop them from doing it, and didn’t want to be part of it. so they had a lot of meetings that us kids were allowed to go to so we could see what was happening and all that. i only went to one and it was A Time bc the lady who was recording everything passed tf out and of course nobody was a doctor and my pipsqueak thirteen year old ass went “i know what to do” bc i Did so i had to help her which was a trip in and of itself. but anyways, the school’s charter got denied, and everyone had to transfer, but the district promised that we could go to any school we wanted, not just the one we would have to go to by zip code

sophomore year:

i ended up going to a private christian school. big fucking mistake. absolute disaster. nothing really happened that was crazy by their standards, but it was for me

so they have a house system. think of harry potter, it’s EXACTLY like that. we have points, we have competitions, we have all that extra stuff. it was such a time, like i don’t,, i don’t even know how to explain how fucking weird that shit was

i came out in the middle of class. the principal’s daughter was our sub and she goes “okay so everyone is gonna tell us something that nobody knows about them” so when it was my turn i go “so it’s not a secret and y’all should know this but clearly y’all don’t: i’m not straight”. silence. dead silence. we could hear the class next to us it was so quiet. some girl whispers “i knew it”. another girl leans over and whispers to my friend “i’m so sorry”. principal’s daughter gives me the most threatening, condescending smile i’ve ever seen and goes “thanks for sharing”. i had to come out to my mom that same day bc i told me friends and they panicked on my behalf bc when people found out that they were gay, the principal told their parents. and i was Not about to be outed by the principal. my mom has since told me that the principal never contacted her about it so i came out for nothing but i mean i really like being out so we’re good

so instead of prom, cult school has this thing called “the ball”. sophomores, juniors, and seniors are allowed to go bc there’s less than fifty people per grade so if sophomores don’t come, there’s not enough people. so i went bc my friends were all going and i was like “yeah why not might as well”. three dance lessons. three fucking dance lessons for this stupid ball that i didn’t dance once at. i literally had three panic attacks in the span of an hour at the second one, and then i had swim practice right after. fucking exhausted. felt like i ran five marathons by the time i got home. the last lesson i didn’t do any dancing, just vibed with my friend in the corner. so at the actual ball, same friend and i vibed at the tables the whole time. we went to the bathroom for like an hour and took mirror selfies and tried to make our asses look bigger bc we’re Like That

SO AFTER THE BALL, there was apparently a massive party and there was alcohol and stuff. so my friends and i were blissfully unaware bc nobody liked us bc who tf likes the school sinners. so we walked to get ice cream after in our fucking ballgowns and suits looking like All That. so the principal thought that it was one of us who hosted the party and we were like “??? what party?”. literally almost got in trouble bc the principal thought we were LYING. i told my mom and she takes No Shit, so when the principal called her demanding to know if i went to/hosted the party, she marched her ass down to the school and was like “i know y’all have something against mexicans and people who are different from y’all, but that’s no reason to blame my daughter for something that your so called “perfect” students did”. my mom got Heated, roasted the fuck out of the principal, then LEFT. principal never fucked with my mom after that

so there was a fire like across the street from the school. the fd told us to evacuate, but noooooo the school was like “god will protect us” i’m like “okay but i’m gay and apparently your god hates that so i think we’re gonna Perish”. the fucking POWER went out and they STILL wouldn’t let us go. my mom called to sign me out so i could go wherever the fuck i wanted in the school until my friend’s dad came to pick us up bc she couldn’t get there bc of the fire. so i vibed next door to my friends’ class and i was like “heeeeey god’s trying to kill the gays” and we laughed about that until my gay ass got saved lmaoooo

okay so this is the funniest memory i have. in chemistry once, our teacher took us outside and started digging a lil hole next to the school. and keep in mind, my chem teacher used to be a hardcore atheist druggie, like fucking meth and coke and shit. took a theology course and converted. so he’s really sweet and nice but he’s also Slightly mad scientist vibes. so anyways, he puts something in this little hole, lights it on fire. i forgot why he did it, but i was standing back with him and one of the exchange students and the three of us watch in Horror as the rest of the class makes a circle around the fire and start doing some weird dance and saying something. it wasn’t like a chant, idk what to call it, but they were like counting like “and one, and two, and three, and four” and then the dance would get more intense and they’d get louder. so eventually they were screaming and going apeshit and i looked at my teacher and he’s just,, watching them do this. i’m like “and i’m satan, huh?”. like these kids really trying to summon the devil but i’m the bad one bc i like girls

junior year:

so technically this was during the summer but i’m putting it here. they have like a house party after the school year ends. i made cookies. apparently they “looked weird” so nobody ate them, two of my soon to be teachers kept insulting them. i called my mom to pick me up, took my cookies with me, got back in the car in tears. had to have a whole conversation with the principal and those two teachers so they could apologize bc i wanted to leave the school after that. dw tho, i took my cookies to the guards at my summer camp and they appreciated the hell out of them bc they were Very Good Cookies

so my ap bio teacher was an enabler. i was his favorite bc i wasn’t a religious nut and it was very obvious that i believed in science and not whatever the hell this cult was doing with their creationist bs. also he was a parasitologist and i’m super into parasitology so he had fun talking about it to someone who both understood and was extremely interested in the topic. i rolled up to class one day like “hey so i’m gonna buy hissing cockroaches from amazon, if my parents find out and don’t let me keep them do you want them??” and he’s like “yeah”. i brought them to class a few times and everyone Hated it but my teacher was like ayyyyy. and everyone thought he was either and atheist or agnostic, so when some girl asked how he thought mary conceived jesus to see what he said, he looked at me like “y’all hear somethin/hel p” and i go “parthenogenesis” and he Went With It, talking about how it was theoretically possible in humans but we ignored the fact that the baby would’ve been a girl bc the class is dumb none of them have ever heard of parthenogenesis before jesus is the true trans icon we all need

my art teacher was my favorite and she knows that i’m gay. she’s the only teacher from my school that i’m still in contact with. so every big project we did, i made it gay. and i knew, and my friends knew, and she knew, but the rest of the class had no idea. i’m like presenting my project and the class would get sus and they’re like “so are those two really good friends” and i’m like “so she has a rainbow heart on her choker and she has a lesbian symbol on her shirt”. the class was still confused and my friend yells “they’re LESBIANS”. it was iconic

my brit lit teacher was bi. she never said it, but i know she was. always talked about how much she hated men, then was like “women are very very good”. no way this woman was straight. so we read dracula and it’s got that Subtext, so one time i leaned over to my friend bc he sat next to me and i go “the Homoerotic Subtext”. and i didn’t realize that the teacher was right in front of me until she tapped my desk and goes “it gets better”, told me a page number that i flipped to, and it was Even More Gay and i was like 😏. also she assigned me a gay poet for my poetry project and i talked about that for my whole presentation in front of the class and it was the biggest paragraph in my essay and i got 100% on it even tho i choked at the beginning. also i mentioned in passing that i liked sappho and she goes “ooh i love sappho” i’m like “ma’am please leave this cult and get you a gf”

senior year:

i left the cult finally. went to the one school i actually liked. i made friends who actually like me and they were patient and they were amazing and i love them all very much even if i’ll never tell them. my classmates were great, v friendly, i had a great time. however,

so many fires. school got cancelled like five times bc of how bad the fires were

the school shooting. i don’t think i need to go further into that, it’s pretty self explanatory

covid. again, don’t need to go further into that, v self explanatory

#school #high school #school stories

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officialcolumbiauniversity · 7 years

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Surviving, No, Thriving, in NSOP

Summer school’s ending this week, which means you! already! know! what’s coming up! I’m sure this is all you’ve ever thought about for the past two months at least. If you’re lucky and you got accepted ED like me, let’s increase that time to like 6 months. The first week of school is terrifying no matter the age, but for college students, the added stress of being on your own makes dealing with the bustle a bit more complicated than you’d expect. To assuage your doubts and concerns, I’m bringing you a comprehensive and general look at what the New Student Orientation Program, NSOP, will mean for you as someone trying hard to transition from pre-frosh to freshbait. The first week of school hardly even counts as real school because it’s all orientation, but tips for the journey won’t hurt. Let’s get started.

What You Should Know Before Getting Here

Of which there are a few things. If you’re at all interested in the things I’m about to mention, even just a lil bit, you should go to the events for them during NSOP. It’s easier to get your foot in the door now and then drop out if you don’t care than try to weasel your foot in a few months later. I learned this the hard way. These few things include:

pre-health (aka pre-med)

Greek life

placing higher in any track or out of certain tracks (like the language requirement)

buying a fridge, printer, microwave, or some class books

CCSC or ESC (student council aka SGA)

Actually, anything you are even slightly interested in you should attend. The information is invaluable as the year goes on, and it’s better to have it as early as possible. For pre-med and Greek life, you should go to the information sessions. For the placement tests, go to the sessions when they’re happening and try your best. For buying a fridge or the like, go to the EcoReps sale, all of them, and see what’s around. Yeah the line is long but if you really want to save money it’s worth it.

Another thing you should be thinking about before coming here is the matter of illegal identification. Yep, fakes. Fakes are crucial in New York life because all the fun happens at bars and in clubs (I might be saying this somewhat ironically). You also can’t buy alcohol here without having a fake, so your fun might be completely cancelled if you don’t have one. Of course, you could always get someone to buy you alcohol and pay them back, and you’ll be having to do that anyway while you wait for your fake to arrive. But this is something that you definitely want to be thinking about as you come here. Most people order fakes with 3-5 friends, because prices are cheapest that way. So find your people on campus, or put a post up on your Unofficial Facebook group over the summer. Fakes take about 2 months to come through.

You Made It, Baby! Now What?

Alright, so you drove up on 116th, maybe the only time during the whole school year you’re allowed to do that, and got a Blue Bin and finished moving in (mostly)! Left to your own devices, you probably have little idea what to do. So here’s what you’re gonna do.

For the most part, you’re going to know no one. Hopefully you know at least one person, and you’re going to tag along with them everywhere they go. If you don’t know literally anyone, check out my post on making friends during NSOP.

Go to all the frat parties, but definitely with friends. Especially if you’re a girl. Even at Ivies, guys have a tendency to get sleazier at night than they would in broad daylight. That being said, there’s really nothing like a frat party, so you should definitely party it up while you can, because no one goes to frat parties after freshman year.

Figure out what classes you’re taking. Sign up for the earliest possible appointment with your advisor, and talk it out. I was an undecided major when I came in, and my biggest regret was not taking chemistry because now, as a chem major, I’m doing a lot of catching up. My advisor helped me a ton in that she recommended I take calculus and a bunch of other classes that undecided majors usually end up finding beneficial for their major. You gotta sort this out as early as possible so that you know exactly what you’re looking for when registering for classes. Class registration is a fucking battlefield. Remember to use things like Vergil and CULPA to figure out your best schedule.

So many faces so few places. You’re going to meet a lot of people in a really short time period, so you need to get really comfortable with saying “oh yeah we met last night… sorry I was drunk, what’s your name again?” Don’t be afraid of using people as crutches to get to know other people, because there’s no such thing as knowing too many people.

Set a good impression with your RA. Y’all really need to be friends. Don’t drink or smoke in front of them, don’t throw outrageously loud parties the first week, don’t throw up in the bathroom bc you’re hungover but forget to lock the door (guilty). Become friends with your RA so that they feel awkward getting you in trouble and you can basically do what you want for the rest of the year.

Leave your door(s) open. The best way to meet people on your floor genuinely is to hop in their room and comment on their taste in music. So blast some Frank Ocean and rake in the friends.

Lastly...

Potholes and Rat Traps: What to Avoid

Columbia isn’t just a matter of what to do: there’s a whole lot of shit you’ve gotta watch out for, because no one tells you this right off the bat.

Don’t go to Welcome Week, whatever you hear about it. It’s really not worth commuting back, on the subway, at night, wasted, with minimal knowledge of New York at night. And the parties aren’t great anyway.

Don’t dress up for parties, regardless of whether you’re a guy or a girl. I don’t even have a rationalization for this one, Just...please. Don’t.

Don’t take notes during that first “Lit Hum class.” You know, the one in Roone Auditorium. No one read the stuff and you look like a tool.

Don’t spend all your time on campus. Be sure to go off campus with your friends, a new group each time, as much as possible, into the city, because you won’t have the time or energy to do so later.

Don’t spend all your time with friends. Find your favorite spots on campus all by yourself, so that you have a recluse whenever you need it. It’s good to get to know campus by yourself.

Do NOT go around hooking up with every cute girl you see. Or boy. Rape is a harder line to draw when it’s orientation week and everyone’s drunk and it’s easy to convince someone to do something that they would say no to in 3 weeks’ time. The rationalization for this is not dealing with the awkwardness the next day, but rather dealing with the fact that you might end up a rapist.

Don’t believe or become any of those “entrepreneurs” during NSOP, aka those kids who have a “startup” and want to advertise their thing or whatever. Believe me, they’re not going anywhere any time soon. It’s great to have ideas, and to have ambition, and to have motivation, but don’t get ahead of yourself and leave a buttload of embarrassing memories for the next few years. Save branding yourself for second semester.

Learning to pace yourself while drinking is an important step in moving from messy ‘man to sophisticated soph. Okay so I might have just made those phrases up. But for real, everyone can tell a freshman who has never drunk a lot before because they take seven shots of vodka in 10 minutes, and in another 15 they’re struggling to keep their dinner down. So yes, you will make an embarrassing alcohol mistake sometime during your freshman career. But it does not need to be that embarrassing.

More embarrassing than puking is letting your friend feel horrible the next day because you didn’t take care of them. You must call CAVA if a friend is puking, and if they black out, that’s also a sure sign. I know you’re going to freeze up when the time comes because it’s so hard to put a finger on it and say, yep, we’ve crossed the line, she doesn’t look fine, we need to call CAVA. No one wants to be the friend who called CAVA. At least not freshmen. But you have to do it. Freshmen are the most likely to get alcohol poisoning, and not calling CAVA because you “think” she’ll be alright seriously puts your friend’s health in danger.

Be careful with the jungle juice. Usually it’s fine, and at some frats like Lambda the jungle juice gets you the perfect amount of fucked up, but there are some frats that are known for putting drugs in their actual jungle juice, not just drugging individual drinks. Boys, I don’t know why you think you’re exempt because it happens to guys too. Both my friend and I got seriously messed up with jungle juice from a frat that I’m not going to name, and it’s almost as scary as I would imagine getting roofied is.

My last “don’t” is to not be so quick to make judgements about your situation. During NSOP literally every single person feels like they genuinely can’t handle it here, they won’t succeed at Columbia. I promise you that feeling goes away in the coming months. And if you don’t get it during NSOP, that feeling will come in a few months. And it’ll go away too. Don’t ever give up because you think it’s too much, because I guarantee you can handle it. NSOP just really sucks. It hurts like a bitch and you will definitely cry at least once, but you’ll settle into a routine no matter how long it takes and you will come out feeling incredible. We all do.~

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