#bc they didnt want to do it themselves

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

i need to scream into the void for a minute here bc like. idk who i can tell this who will understand

just rambling abt mental health (ptsd + depression mainly) and transitioning

but just. !!!!!!!!! i just took my first dose of T!!!!!!!! i officially have my androgel at home! and i just applied it to my skin!! and im waiting for it to dry a lil bit more before i put anything on it (like the sweater im gonna wear to bed tonight)

and im like. i could honestly cry rn not in a bad way but in a "this has been coming for such a long time and im so excited for the future right now" kinda way

i think a reason ive always disliked myself is bc i hate being a girl honestly

my voice is too high and feminine, and my face has never looked like my own (though that could also have to do with the did but still)

im currently planning on ending up looking more androgynous atm, but honestly im on a low dose so i can see which changes i want and how far i want to go

tbh im thinkin i might just end up going all the way tho? not sure

or. all the way isnt the right words but yknow what i mean basically lol

its ? very interesting figuring myself out like this

like im not fully confident on who i am but i know what i want, and i dont want to be a girl. i never really have, and i knew that at a young age. and to a point i do identify with "girl/woman" but thats only bc i was raised one, so i have similar experiences to a lot of ppl who could be called girls/women

plus my mom is def bioessentialist (which i need to look up counterarguments for that tbh) and i love her to death but she just doesnt really understand ... a lot of things

plus yknow. trauma . ive never gotten to fully be myself - i have always been what other people want me to be. its... an experience and a learning curve, finally figuring out who and what i am.

tbh this feels similar to when i got published (technically. it was a competition thing and a prize was getting published alongside others) with the like ... sheer positive emotion and wanting to cry and shaking with the excitement of what ive achieved and get to have

its really weird, being this happy. i didnt think id ever get to feel this way, or that id be excited for the future or have plans for it like i do right now. ive always had the feeling of "theres more things i have to do, so im not finished here." but its never really come out as starkly as it is now.

im really, REALLY happy.

yknow, sometimes i look back on my abuser and think that we were made for each other, and that ill never achieve anything greater than having dated them

and i think this is the first time its actually fully setting in and really occuring to me that i can have a life without them. i dont need them. i never did, and i didn't truly gain anything from being so close to them for so long.

and while i will always be resentful for having to grow up so fast and that i spent so much time on them, and there are still a lot of times that i'm upset with myself for being so unfailingly kind and giving and resilient, times where i wish i broke and wasn't here anymore, i'm truly glad that i didn't and i'm still here.

and i'm happy that i'm not with them anymore.

and i'm glad that i got to have this. and that nobody i currently know will speak negatively about this to me.

sometimes it feels a lot like i move on from them in jagged bits and pieces of glass, like im tugging them out of my skin years after impact

this feels a lot less like that, and more like...

ever since they came into my life, ive felt like . corrupted, evil, gross, whore, etc compared to their bright white purity. like i could never measure up

i think this is the first time in years where ive actually felt pure, in any kind of way

excited for the future, happy, not focused on anyone but myself, confident.

ive always wanted a truly clean slate. and now i have that

i have a better idea of things i want now too, and ive been taking better care of myself as well, and i have so much more energy

i still wish they could see and that theyd be proud of me, instead of whatever the hell manipulative gaslighty bs theyd think up

but im not thinking about them that much either

this is something that i want, and the focus is rightfully on me

...its a slightly weird feeling, but i dont feel selfish for it, for once

#also on a trauma note: #they both really left me in the exact same way huh #they got tired of me and looked for an outside force to make me break up with them #bc they didnt want to do it themselves #cowards

[starwikia]

suicide cw

look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am. 

ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.

this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.

He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!

you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.

it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions. 

what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT. 

am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!

yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).

The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.

#warning: do not read this post if you want me to be nice to james somerton. i am extremely mean in this post. #before anyone accuses me of shit i legit never contacted him myself or anyone involved. i am someone who witnessed this behavior repeatedly #again. i hope hes alive and well. the fact is him lying about this WOULD BE THE IDEAL SITUATION. BC NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT. but. #he HAS to forever be the victim in his eyes. attempting doesnt automatically mean youre free of sin. #its just terrible to see that regardless whether or not he did do it #its very clear his attempts to run away from his consequences are working on some people #we need to acknowledge that if your shitty ex friend can weaponize a threat to kill themselves #so can this internet person after being called out for horrendous shit #like what was the alterative? what were people supposed to fucking do? be nice about it? #yeah as if poc and trans women arent historically given shit for being 'too mean' about wanting justice. #this isnt just the plagiarism this is the fact a white dude has been parading himself as THE speaker for the gays(tm) but has been using hi #gayness to shield himself from his misogyny racism transphobia and antisemitism #its very clear regardless this means that ppl r going to side with him and then give him benefit of doubt #if you cant handle the heat stay out of the fucking kitchen dude. this is the consequences of your fucking actions. #hes a disgusting person who cant handle being told no so hes going to drag everyone down with him #like. idk this entire situation is frustrating to me. #its also frustrating ppl trying to be moral abt it like 'see! i knew this was bad all along!' no you didnt. shut it. #for the record im like mainly talking abt twit watching those spineless uwu cutesy ppl basically saying hes done noting wrong #oh and also alt righters who are clearly weaponinizing this where u know they wouldnt give a shit if a right ytber did this. #james somerton #idk might delete this later its just. ugh...

[samarecharm]

i love makoto so much but fanon does her so much better (the good parts of the fandom) because in the game her character is so lack luster. they butchered her confidant it is so borning and not even about her. they made her a cop. A COP. they pushed this "canon waifu" role onto her (before sumire came along and did it Even Worse). and it SUCKS because SHE IS SO MUCH MORE!!! SHE IS SO MUCH BETTER!!!! SHE COULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER!!! the way i feel about canon makoto is the same way i feel about the canon ryuji events post komoshida where he's horribly mistreated and used purely as comic relief: i ignore them <3 my game now <3 never happened <3 my ocs <3

You are so right. I generally apply this to all characters in p5 bc the game does such a shit job of staying consistent with character arcs and personalities. Theres a desperate need to throw in perverse jokes at the expense of female characters and a need to show that the police (as a whole) are reliable people who are not influenced by things like money and power; only the BAD cops do that. Not to mention this obvious fatphobia and homophobia but i feel likes thats a given.

But back to Makoto. Shes a victim of bad writing just like everyone else. Ryuji during the kamoshida arc was fighting with self loathing and genuine anxiety, and aside from the like. One comment on Panthers outfit in the metaverse, hes more than well behaved. All of that is shelved as soon as Kamoshida is gone and replaced with him being weird comic relief (and the focus of alot of sexual jokes that were nonexistent in the beginning of the game). Anns arc about self love and empowerment is completely dropped as soon as the nasty bad guy is put away (so that its good to be weird about her w the Good Guys). Makoto loses her a chunk of her personality to be the mature waifu which is INSANE to me bc shes like. Not okay or normal at all 😭😭😭 she THINKS shes responsible and so does everyone else on her team, but its an act! She doesnt know shit! And she doesnt know that she doesnt know shit bc shes respectful and adults dont care about anything as long as u respect them!

Its very telling that for literally every single thief (and goro), you can see the exact moment the writers gave up on adding anything of worth to their characters outside of the social links. Its like they didnt know what to even do w the characters at their disposal after their main arcs were complete. No mention of friends hanging out without you, no mention of having group hangouts. Everyone is treated as a core, important member of the friend group DURING their arc, but outside of it, they are acquaintances at best. Theres nothing in the game that convinces you that these guys are legitimately friends who care for each other and do Friend Things. And i describe it like that bc there IS a game that treats them all as friends, and its strikers! Strikers/Scramble genuinely feels like the game p5 wanted to be; a road trip w your team where they stay up at night talking to each other and hanging out and doing things together that dont necessarily include you, the player. Its refreshing and lovely but it sucks that u get that kind of attention to detail in a ‘spinoff’ title

#chattin #i hesitate to use spinoff bc its a pretty big game #and theres an amazing plot with wonderful characterization #and their handling of jails and jail owners is LEAGUES better than the bs they tried to make up w palace users #and all the thieves feel like family. and not in the annoying fandom way; like #were family in the same way a family is forged and tended to. i love you. no one is left behind. no one is made to feel inferior another #its really good and honestly if u want more interactions between everyone i really recommend a playthrough #but yeah #p5 sucks #i love it but i love the version of it i made in my head LMAO #maybe p5r did a better job w the dialogue and some questionable scenes #(i wouldnt know. i didnt play it lol) #so maybe thats what people need to be using as a point of reference #but i only plyed p5 so this is what i have; a group of people who show up for meetings and then go about their life #and that kinda sucks. why make this wholly unique experience in which these teens can only relate to each other #make them bonded over their shared experience w this unbelievable world #and then not only make them NOT interact; but have the end be ‘okay by akira.’ and leave it at that #they just. didnt know what to do w anyone #they needed their girls to be waifubait and the boys to be an afterthought #they needed a buffet of older woman for pathetic men to fuck through their self insert #and they needed a story convoluted enough to keep people stuck trying to figure it out themselves #its bad. its so bad. its so fucking bad. but i have to be here. WE have to be here. #bc who else is going to take these characters out of hell and treat them right ??!!!

[vaxxildamn]

very happy Matt decided to clarify his stance on the genocide of the Palestinian people rn. Pretty unhappy with the way he worded it, who he centered in his video, and disappointed to see the responses to it on Twitter.

kinda scared to even post about it bc CR fans can get so defensive about their favorite white people that they can often leave little room for criticism or nuance. but man I have thoughts.

#lemme just say. if you have a public platform that has set a precedent for philanthropic work. messages of positivity and love. #and have called attention to various political and social conflicts *in stream*. & whose employees and cast members are vocal #on socials about political topics #then it is NOT unreasonable for fans to expect them to address one of the deadliest orchestrated conflicts in recent history #a literal genocide is happening. thanks in part to the US. #it is good that they donated as a company and as individuals. so good! #but to everyone saying that publicizing good deeds like donations is virtue signaling or demanding CR cast to show their support is #or that activism shouldnt be all about what you post bc then it becomes performative #are kinda missing the point. and theyre not listening to palestinians at all #a huge issue with this conflict & the way its being received in the western world - ESPECIALLY the US bc of its partnership w israel - #is the sheer amount of disgusting minsinformation and propaganda convincing ppl this genocide is either not that bad or that its necessary #everyday citizens CANNOT change foreign policy. we cant do anything! #so what have Palestinians been asking us to do?? SPREAD AWARENESS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. MAKE PEOPLE AWARE. UPLIFT PALESTINIAN VOICES. SHARE LINKS #SHOW PPL THE TRUTH. #and yes its hard! its difficult to watch what theyre going thru. but we HAVE to. #i didnt rlly like matts statement. he said he didnt have the spoons to engage in the discourse. which i get. god i get it. #but ive also seen many many creators/influencers who are also disabled or whose families are directly involved gather their spoons to help #and no one was asking CR to harm themselves in the name of helping palestine. we only wanted them to spread awareness #bc the comments on their tweet about finally donating were full of mostly white centrist takes not able to see any benefit to donating or #addressing the issue at all. which is EXACTLY why CR should addresss it. bc they can reach so many who dont understand #but theyd been radio silent for almost 5 months. i didnt like that he didnt really apologize. i didnt like that he centered himself #i didnt like his lowkey flippant language either. saying all that.. ridiculousness in regards to a genocide not well worded. #but i dont feel right holding that against him. should he have thought it through better? sure but i get it #& unfortunately his parting message left a bad taste in my mouth - one of positivity & self care & hugging each other #nice important words but it didnt feel like he was talking about ppl who are affected by this conflict. but rather ppl who are watching #it just felt like a very white thing to say in response to this. we are not burdened and easily victimized bc of it #we are responsible. and so we must center palestinians. #if i were him i wldnt have gone in detail about how hard the palestinian genocide is for me to watch. #but thats just me #*CORRECTION: radio silent for almost 4 months

[lord-squiggletits]

The Slope by @megatron-fucks provides a great scene where Pharma gets to blow up on Ratchet about how he lost everything good in his life and faced a fate worse than death so Ratchet has no right to judge him.

But you know what else I really want to see and might write myself?

I want a post-Delphi scene where Pharma gets to verbally rip Ratchet apart about how he disowned Pharma and is acting as if the 'new Pharma' is a completely different person, but in reality Ratchet is just desperate to convince himself that Pharma was always a bad apple and the "best friend" Ratchet knew was either a lie or a person who's "died." Basically Pharma getting to lambast Ratchet about how 'the person he used to be' isn't some separate entity, that the old Pharma LITERALLY IS HIM and it's Ratchet who's a piece of shit for being unable to reconcile that Pharma could be his former best friend and also the monster he ended up becoming.

Mostly in regards to the aspect of canon where despite being former best friends, Ratchet made basically zero efforts to have any sympathy for Pharma or extend help/mercy to him and mostly used their former friendship to prey on Pharma's insecurities to manipulate him into doing what he wanted.

Of course it's a narration by Pharma so it might not be 100% correct or unbiased, but like. I just desperately crave some sort of resolution between Ratchet and Pharma. Or if not a resolution, at least some catharsis where Pharma gets to unload and Ratchet acknowledges he was a bastard.

#squiggposting #pharma apologism #i know that at the time they thought pharma died #but it literally is SO disturbing that ratchet and first aid talk about pharma like #'he was a good doctor for most of his life' 'you can carry the best part of him with you' #it's fucked up bc like. good doctor pharma and bad autobot pharma arent two people in one body #pharma is pharma it's literally the same good doctor who turned into the bad autobot #it lowkey reads as if theyre trying to compartmentalize pharma like. oh there was Good Pharma and Bad Pharma #but the reality is the good and bad are a whole person-- Pharma #it was a gradual slope to madness and evil caused SPECIFICALLY BY PHARMA WANTING TO PROTECT OTHERS #it's kinda fucked up that no one ever acknowledges that #even in the fandom level there's often a silent implication that pharma was always a little evil/suspicious #so delphi just revealed his true colors or something. like no he went insane under threat of the DJD #idk i'm apologisting for my boy #but real talk i do think pharma and the way ratchet/others treated him could make a good story abt like #the way ppl want others to fit neatly into good/evil roles ESPECIALLY IF THEY USED TO ASSOCIATE WITH THEM #and how ppl will attempt to distance themselves from 'problematic' exes by just claiming #'oh i always knew there was something evil about them' even when that wasnt the case #idk lol. i mean ppl acknowledge pharma used to be a good doctor but just bc they say it #doesnt mean they actually gave him a chance or didnt treat him as just an autobot who went bad #i know im being contradictory. i'm apologisting i didnt ask for feedback sjfksjfjsjd

[deduction-substitute]

Sometimes I think....of August's actual clubmates trying to search for him..

Im thinking they'll be Luca and Alice (SUE ME i like thinking of Lucky and Alice's dynamic 😞😞😞)...

CAN YOU IMAGINE August venturing into the fog when they enter the forest and Luca waving it off because theyll regroup in no time!! Aug wouldve called out for them by now if he needed help!!

That call never comes. Hours pass and Alice and Luca are worried as HELL. They tried entering the fog as well, but for some reason it just parts whenever they walk through.

What the fuck will they tell August's parents, who believed that he was away on a simple field trip? They let them have club meetings under the roof of their fucking house.

They fed the paranormal research club snacks and juice, they've celebrated birthdays there! They made their favorite foods! Most importantly, they teased August for having friends over!

How the hell are they going to explain that their son went missing?

#do u think aug's club moved on or did they devote themselves to finding their missing member #bc no way in hell is his disappearance NOT supernatural #and two: august didnt want to go on the trip. but he went anyway. #the guilt!!! the anguish!! #im rambling nonsense im sorry #identity v #idv lucky guy #idv #identity 5 #lucky guy #idv lucky #identity v lucky guy #my ideas!

[biblicalhorror]

The most frustrating part of engaging in any of this discourse with pro-Israel people is that they claim there's just something ineffable about "seeing and understanding" how supporting Palestinian liberation is directly calling for the eradication of Jewish people (as if that type of rhetoric isn't exactly how actual antisemitism often manifests in online spaces but that's a topic for another day)

They get through people debunking the "the land belongs to the people of Israel anyway" argument and the "LGBTQ Palestinians are safe in Israel" argument and the "Genocide isn't what's happening here so you should educate yourself" argument and when all of those points are meticulously disproven over and over they still stand with "Well, myself and your Jewish friends see the hate you have in your heart for us" and it truly doesn't matter what you say at that point because even if you yourself are Jewish they will claim that refusing to support the state, government and military of Israel is inherently hateful and bigoted, as if a religious ethnostate is some inherent human right that is being taken away from them. I know many of them are blinded by the relentless propaganda that's been around their whole lives and how hard it is to break free from a belief system that is so tied to your core identity as a human being but it is so frustrating watching people being led straight to the point over and over again and just turning around and refusing to see it.

It's also so frustrating to see people using the momentum of this movement to casually tack on actual antisemitism to these discussions, as if having Jewish people in positions of power is why the US bends over backwards to excuse the actions of Israel and not, yknow, the fact that our government directly benefits from having a military stronghold in the middle east. I've talked to some well-meaning pro-Palestine friends irl who casually use antisemetic talking points because they've ALSO bought into the narrative that Israeli = Jewish and so they blame the actions of Israel and the IDF on Jewish people's "religious values" and ignore the fact that this conflict really has almost nothing to do with religion itself and everything to do with capitalism, imperialism and maintaining the US's status as a so-called "global power".

#dont get me wrong there are lots of people on the pro palestine side who are very much aware of and vigilant against antisemitic rhetoric #but i genuinely worry about some of my non-jewish leftist friends and allies falling down some super shady pipelines because of all of this #i spend a lot of my time on my public facing social media sharing articles and graphics and whatnot about antisemitism #and how careful we need to be when calling out these atrocities and our government's complicity in them #but when one side is genuinely claiming with no evidence or argument that being against colonial occupation is just antisemitism #it makes it so hard to call out actual antisemitism within these spaces bc it delegitimizes antisemitism as a concern #i just want to scream #like. im not even jewish and i vividly remember when we had a special lesson in girl scouts about how wonderful Israel is #and they had us make little mini versions of the israel flag and they told us that israel stood for the safety of the jewish people #and i came home and i told my mom about how cool israel was #and she promptly pulled me out of girl scouts #which at the time felt unfair because she didnt explain why #but also how do you explain the horrors of colonialism and imperialism to your newly zionist 10 year old #anyway the point is that if i as a non-jewish girl scout was exposed to that kind of propaganda #i can only imagine how inescapable it must be for many american jews in the US #and i truly empathize with the amount of unlearning that needs to be done #and how hard it must be to let go of some of these ideas #but that doesnt make it any less frustrating to watch these dynamics play out on such a massive scale #and i hold so much respect for people in white jewish communities re-educating themselves and standing on the right side of history #as well as for all of the people of color and especially American Palestinians standing up and using their voices as much as they do #personal

[aroacettorney]

dont mind me. im simply just putting together a ludgercasey angst collection.

252

265

203

268

271

283

310

356

492

497

#aro ludgercasey propaganda #''why cant u be normal abt them'' how can i be normal abt them when solid 80% of their interactions is either angst or stemmed from angst. #even their ''fluff'' moments were also angst. #literally no one does angst like they do. #ludger prefers to keep most of his connections extremely impersonal/professional. #but whether or not he wants to admit it theirs on the other hand simply does not... fit in that category. #he'd even tried to convert it that way but it just didnt stick bc neither of them could help but be themselves around each other lmfao. #ludger is seemly still oblivious to caseys attempt to mend their personal relationship. #which is not too surprising considering he was also oblivious to the existence of their past relationship. #after all there was no reason for him to believe that casey would want to have anything to do with him. except maybe putting him in jail. #so pushing her away seems to be the most logical decision right? personal relationship is a luxury to him anyway. #alas casey who wanted to believe in their past friendship takes it as a sign that ludger has no interest in maintaining it. #she now has to take a step back because ''if you force a relationship it may become more estranged.'' #so unless he takes the initiative they are likely stuck in this limbo. #(casey might use impersonal excuses to stay around but rn its all up to ludger to change the nature of their relationship) #casey girlie forget him i would have treated you so much better... is what i would have loved to say. #i wouldnt be suffering this much if ludger wasnt clearly holding himself back most of the time / if it was completely one-sided from casey. #i dont know if this is a slow burn or hurt no comfort but if casey gets no closure im gonna commit arson 😔

[sillybouquetoflillies]

i keep thinking i rly didnt go thru that much growing up, but idk, everytime i tell someone abt my life, they say i did and kinda just like sit in shock abt it. am i just internet brained or smth, or am i just dramatic?? i rly dont think ive earned a lot of the symtoms of someone who was traumatized that i have. or maybe i havent been in a safe place for long enough to process things??? i dunno. maybe someday far away in the future ill figure things out

#i let myself sit n accept that i did go thru smth.. maybe that i didnt totally remember or that i blurred out the details of n idk #i keep feeling like an imposter n like i shouldnt be feeling it. i didnt rly like how ive been acting #but like also i let a lot of stuff out of the box in my brain doing that n idk how 2 put it back or deal with it #so now i just feel like a half untangled mess with 0 stability bc in that 'growth n discovery' period i realized almost everyone in my life #wasnt someone i wanted 2 keep around #so now its rly just me n my bestie that r close n i keep everyone else at arms length #how tf did i get on rambling abt this omggg #ugh i am srsly such a mess n i cant find the root n i think thats whats freaking me out the most #i hate not being able 2 explain why im feeling a certain type of way or justify it in anyway #i just wanna feel okay n stable n be a fun person 2 be around again!!!! #i wanna be completely independent but like.... everything is so expensive n i have no interest in anything that would pay well #i wish my sw stuff would take off but i think im too messy 4 ppl 2 wanna stick around n also i dont think im super attractive unfortunately #I DUNNO #i dont have any answers atm n its freaking me out #i either wanna figure out how to be okay with not having answers or to get the answers and solve my problems #n i also dont wanna depend on other ppl 2 solve them for me #i just wanna be a whole.. well rounded person who can take care of themselves n do what i want #while also being a cute puppy thats rly rly rly fun 2 play with n is super helpful n supportive 2 the ppl it cares abt 🥰 #i am so sick of these silly dumb messy fears n emotions that keep me stuck in boring ruts #i wanna go out n have my own fun n be my own person n stop being so scared of everything!!!!! #its okay if things go bad!!!! its just more stories 2 tell ppl!!!! ppl love my stories!!!! ugh i just needa put myself out there #i just needa find smth fun 2 do that keeps me around fun ppl #i just dont know what yet #concerts r fun but idk no one super interesting is touring here rn n i need smth more frequent #ok i think this ramble is ovr #im rly sry if ur reading this!!!! i love u vry much n hope ur having a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!

[reinabeestudio]

you stop shaving as a woman and people just dont know what to call you anymore huh

#you ever get so annoyed that you draw ur irl self instead of your epic swag yass slay pretty sona #i didnt stop shaving for any statement btw it just drains me to do it & i havent been in the mood for months LMAO #i think i'm so used to the comfort of being surrounded by ppl presenting however they want and calling themselves whatever #sometimes i forget how. binary everything still is where i live #note that aint trans btw. i was afab & i dont fully identify as that currently but i have no problem being called a girl #and due to Health Reasons(tm) i get hairier than one would consider 'normal' for a woman (among other things) #(listen we all know gender is a nuanced spectrum but im not in the mood to talk about it in the tags of my own blog lol) #that + short + fat + voice breaks sometimes + mostly wears 'gender neutral' clothing. been mistaken for a prebuscent guy sometimes #(i say 'gender neutral' but its just regular ass baggy shirts and pants/jeans. 💥) #and if y'know me personally youre prolly reading this like 'what'. and yeah thats my reality sometimes LMAO #and im spanish so things are Extra gendered >8'D #i dont even bother explainin my gender to family its just not worth it so i take the she/her and move on #usually i dont talk about these irl things bc whatever but it's starting to irritate me lol #like. do i have to fuckin shave just to not be misgendered. fuckin christ dude #i need to get my yearly haircut btw. i dont like long hair on myself. its getting warm & it makes me sweat i hate it 🧍‍♂️

[dearedwardteach]

twitter and tiktok lgbts seriously need to learn to shut their fucking mouth and get educated on shit before they open it I am dead serious queer theory is not a fucking toy you can pull out as you please everytime something doesn't agree with you personally godddddd

#yes this is about the bury your gay/queerbaiting drama surrounding the ofmd season finale #but its also about what happened to that poor boy who plays in heartbreaker #ppl dont owe you shit #tv shows dont we you shit except for a good storyline and characters staying true to themselves and/or their character arc #just because you dont like something doesn't mean it has to be morally wrong / made into something that's not safe and needs to be cancelle #or whatever other dumbshit idea your social media riddled brains are producing #queer theory is not a toy for you to play with #why do you think we have medias with so many queer characters today huh? not bc u were on twitter 20 years ago cancelling medias that didnt #BUT BECAUSE QUEER AUTHORS THEORISED HOW OPPRESSION TRANSLATED INTO MEDIAS WE HAD ACCESS TO! #BECAUSE THEY PUT FORWARD CONCEPTS THAT ALLOWED US TO SEE QUEERPHOBIC PATTERNS AND BRING THEM TO LIGHT! #EVERYTIME YOU USE THOSE CONCEPTS JUST BC YOUR SORRY ASS WASNT HAPPY WITH THE DIRECTION A SHOW TOOK #TO MAKE IT A MORAL PROBLEM #YOU UNDERMINE THEM! YOU UNDERMINE THE TOOLS WE HAVE TO ACTUALLY BRING TO LIGHT QUEERPHOBIC PATTERNS IN MEDIA! #GOD WHY IS IT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND YOU DUMB BRAINWASHED MORONS #our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd discourse #izzy hands #idk how to tag this for ppl who dont want to see the drama so i hope this is enough #bury your gays #queerbaiting #queer theory #god i am pissed off. #heartstopper #sorry my bad

[beeapocalypse]

hey what do you mean pocketcat had daans soul

#walked up the museum and pocketcat comes out w a wheelchair. says olivia got lonely and wanted to join the party. went in and fought the-- #--mechanical dance. map still said there was a contestant in there so i tracked down pocketcat. hey man why do you have daans checkered-- #--pants. kill him and get the blank soul. loot him and get daans loot. okay ?????? #like pocketcat is an entirely separate entity right. rhers light affects only the people themselves stripping their humanity away and-- #--supposedly revealing their true nature but i bought fuckin skin bibles from pocketcat AS daan. is this some sort of possession situation- #--did pocketcat somehow take daans body. WHY did he do that if so #daans blank soul and the whole idea there of him following the lead of authority does lend credence to that idea. a total imposition of-- #--pocketcats essence on daans body (while hes got daans pants + loot he says the same exact lines as he did b4 night3) or something #then theres the whole angle where pocketcat is a creep and there is NO way daan does not have issues around sex after getting raised in-- #--the cult of sylvain. head in my hands #also pocketcats fight when alone is a BITCH. dont have the salmonsnake rune so i only get a few free turns w the armguards-- #--b4 he insists i choose smth else / goes after black kalev instead. i am keeping this stupid goat alive the entire game this time around #small aside. rlly interesting implication that olivia held out against the moonscorching long enough that it took direct interference-- #--from pocketcat to turn. does that always happen or is it bc i didnt find a wheelchair for her + thus she spent most of her time in the-- #--protected train cabin ?

[22degreehalo]

Man like there are a lot of things to say about Hogwarts Legacy but the idea that not playing ‘a video game’ is literally ‘the easiest thing to do’ or whatever is just. objectively wrong and dumb and everyone on this site should know better.

Cutting all ties with a special interest is, in fact, pretty difficult!!!! It may or may not be worth the difficulty, but portraying it as something that literally anyone can do with 0 inconvenience is straight up ‘okay you’re not even trying to represent reality realistically, are you’ on the credibility loss scale.

#once again people boosting up their own confidence by telling themselves not doing a thing they didnt want to do is Very Moral #like. yes harry potter is indeed inextricably connected to my childhood and relationship to my aunt. #go ahead and tell me that's an exaggeration on The Special Interest Website. #Im not even playing the game bc I hate action games but this is all just. so very silly.

[saturnsuv]

so at what point does the relationship anxiety go away

#it’s going on 3 weeks now which i know isnt that long but its the longest i’ve ever consistently seen a guy #but i still simply do not believe that he actually likes me or that this is real #i keep getting fully convinced that he’s tired of me or he doesnt want to talk to me anymore or he’s just changed his mind #and this particular anxiety has been worse since the last time i was at his apartment bc i had a panic attack on his floor over smth #he was very sweet and helpful about it and he literally didnt show any signs that this turned him off from anything but i’ve still #convinced myself he doesn’t want me anymore bc i was too much #i keep getting worried that i’m being too much like i’m being too clingy or taking up too much of his time #and i know it’s unfair to him bc he hasn’t done a single thing to make it seem like he doesn’t like me or he doesn’t want to do this #it’s all been overwhelmingly positive signals. but historically positive signals mean nothing guys will still turn around and ghost no #matter how much they say they’re into me or they enjoyed themselves or even if we literally had plans #maybe its just that im on my period idk #we’re supposed to go on another date tonight but i’m like convinced he’s going to cancel

[cruelsister-moved2]

i think its actually very significant how straight men are obsessed with lesbians vs bi women. the male gaze when it comes to sexuality between women is generally obsessed with feeling like its taking something that women didn’t want it to have. at the same time as they constantly try to push men on lesbians, they erase bi women’s autonomy in choosing to have sex with men. if it was just about wanting to have sex with two women, there are bi women who would enjoy sharing that experience with them as equals, but instead they’re obsessed with trying to ‘lure’ in lesbians, or at least trick a bi woman who thought she was hooking up with just a woman. porn where the actresses are both bi and are choosing to create entertainment for a male audience becomes fly-on-the-wall ‘lesbian porn’. men will talk about an experience with a bi woman who has always openly liked men as if they ‘turned a lesbian’. their bi partners are ‘lesbians with an exception’. if she’s someone who usually prefers women it’s a trophy and not just her enjoying multiple things. it’s all about trying to remove women’s autonomy from desire. 👍

#like you can compare how like fujoshis or whoever generally never insert themselves into a situation #i dont think that thinking a woman kissing another woman is hot is a crime. i would be hypocritical LOL #but i feel like this is one of the most visible examples of how its not abt sexuality its abt power #a lot of straight men's attitude towards lesbians is about the symbolic enactment of male power over all women #and thats why other people who arent even attracted to lesbians or arent men are also obsessed with inserting men into lesbianism #its ultimately about maintaining gendered boundaries and not about like wanting to sleep with a specific person #anyway something something the bi lesbian phenomenon #i think a lot of takes about how men treat bi womens attraction are goofy bc of the focus on erasure or whatever #but its not about that its about them WANTING to feel like they violated a boundary #whether youre the one with the boundary they want to violate #or someone who didnt have that boundary but theyre enjoying imagining that you did and they violated it #it sucks either way #idk i dont feel like i got it into words well but something about how deeply sick it is that even when bi women do want sex w men its like #they literally want to convince themselves you didnt want it at first. and thats really uncomfortable if you were sharing that intimacy with #someone not with that intention because its like theyre basically fantasising abt violating you and having power over you that you havent #actually given them #yuck

[roger-paladino]

making that WF video was like. reminding me how much and how deeply Mo cared for Lee it hurts soo so so bad

#If I had one main critisism of the series its that the arc between them didnt feel completed #Like Mo doesnt get a good death and Lee had a breakdown over it but only on twitter #where up to this point most if not all of what was said on twitter was also said in video descriptions and videos themselves #I do think how Lee acts in the start of s3 is a reflection of how Mo and to an extent seans deaths had affected him. we know that a lot of #that change was actually because of the speaker and the time he was captured by the family #I just think Mo should have been able to have his own send off rather than it being tacked onto Seans death #which completed his story #(I have my own feelings about sean but thats not what this post is about) #as well as being able to get more personal moments with Lee after Mos death sort of how we see some of how Mo was coping with assuming Lee #was dead (it was badly) #anyway I could write a comprehensive essay post but ranting in the tags will do bc only #I care about these two <- insane #I could make several posts about characters from WF i do wish it was finished #its not a perfect series by any means but I do very much love almost everything about it #its kinda like. the perfect length and speed. its good if you want something interesting and bite sized that isnt a time sink like emh or mh #okay im done for real now sorry I have a lot of thoughts and no one asked by I need to speak #.txt