#but I've seen so many people post about the anxiety of being unfollowed and like...

[phynali]

Reminder that your dash is yours, and that for most of us, following and unfollowing isn't a declaration of friendship or value or respect or anything else.

At least, it's not for me. I follow and unfollow liberally and I don't mean anything by it, almost ever. It's not personal. It's very seldom because I suddenly dislike someone. It's just about curating my dash to suit my needs and moods. I've even unfollowed long term mutuals simply because their new hyperfixations vexed me (especially if they didn't tag consistently), and sometimes even refollowed them years later. Just this month I unfollowed someone I've followed for 8+ years (not a mutual but we'd interacted via my fandom sideblog) because our interests had been diverging for a while and I just no longer got any enjoyment from any of her new interests on my dash.

Meaning: I know I don't treat mutual following with the same sanctity as some. Because to me it doesn't dictate whether you/we can interact, chat, be friendly, tag each other, etc. Following someone is about the dash; interacting with someone is about interaction. Those aren't the same, to me.

I say this in part because I'm following about 1.5 - 2x as many blogs right now as I can reasonably handle and still enjoy my own dash, and it's been this way for a while. I'm at the point where I really need to change that. I normally wouldn't bother posting that I'm going on an unfollow stint, but I know that some people actively check and notice these things (I very genuinely do not, for the most part), and get anxious wondering why they were unfollowed. In my case, the reason is that I needed to trim my dash and diversify my content. That's it.

#housekeeping #blog post #i find posts like this can themselves be a little obnoxious but i don't know how to say it better #i didn't used to bother posting like this when i went on an unfollow spree #but I've seen so many people post about the anxiety of being unfollowed and like... #idk if this helps or not but I'm sti throwing it out there hoping it might #pro tip is to just never ever check your follow list like just actively avoid it #except for blocking bots #i stopped stressing when i stopped checking and I've never looked back

[creekfiend]

Hey, do you have family in Israel? Do you know whether they are alright?

sure, I do. in my experience most American Jews have family in Israel. When my family left their village in what is now Belarus, half of those leaving came to the US and half went to Palestine. (and those who remained were killed and that village does not exist anymore) I am not in close contact with the Israeli side but I expect I would have heard something if any of them had been hurt. Josh has much closer Israeli family as his brother Yoav and nieces/nephews all live there but they are also fine to my knowledge.

I appreciate the check in, but I will be perfectly honest with you that while it hurts my heart immensely that so many Israeli civilians have been killed, right now I am primarily concerned about the millions of people in Gaza without electricity or running water who have been ordered to evacuate or get exploded but who have nowhere to go. I am very, VERY concerned about the statements being made by the garbage fascists in control of the Israeli government right now openly stating their genocidal intentions on a scale that we haven't previously seen.

we are all triggered and traumatized as hell about everything, and by we I mean Jews, and I think it's understandable for us to feel that way. but I also am struggling a lot with the degree to which many of my fellow American Jews are making this ABOUT our big feelings of fear and anxiety. I understand that anticipating things becoming More Dangerous is something all Jews have had to do constantly forever. I understand that "position of relative privilege" is something that's extremely conditional for Jews and something that can be taken away at the drop of a hat. but... I don't know. I've been trying to think of anything coherent or helpful in any way to say for the past several days and coming up short. it's a nightmare. But it would be disingenuous to deny that it's a nightmare for me in ways that are removed pretty significantly from the ways in which it is a nightmare for other people.

my family is fine. I understand and empathize with the sentiments of "but what if my family becomes NOT fine?" especially when this is the largest mass killing of Jewish civilians since... well. and I am also enraged and terrified by the comfort with which many leftist gentiles seem to be practically celebrating those deaths. but I'm really preoccupied by the fact that millions of people and their families in Gaza are Not Fine in a huge and terrible way right now as we speak. this is not to say that it is a contest, but if I am doing triage, it is very clear to me whose leg is more broken right now. While acknowledging, again, that we are in a scary place globally regarding antisemitism.

Angry Jew on fb has been posting a lot of stuff that really speaks to how I am feeling right now. devastated by the horrible ways some of my people have been killed, and devastated also that inexcusable violence is being done, essentially, in my name. I hate to talk about this publicly because I also fucking wish American gentiles would kind of shut up about it a lot of the time, to be honest. and I hate feeling like I am giving anyone ammunition in their weird ideological internet fights about having The More Correct Opinion in the hypothetical trolley problem-ass situation that so many of them act like this is. the refusal to learn about any specifics of the situation in favor of just deciding it must be exactly like some other unrelated geopolitical issue that they feel they have a better handle on, and then just... overwriting the reality of the situation so that it matches up with what they are comfortable imagining in their heads. I have had to unfollow and block a lot of people lately.

I mostly talk to my safe Jewish and Muslim friends about this. and select few safe non-muslim gentiles.

Right now I am grieving for many reasons. Since you asked me about my personal connection I will tell you the main things I remember learning and feeling about this growing up. I've never been to Israel. Not close enough to my family there to visit, although my dad did, & never comfortable with programs like Birthright. I remember in the 90s my dad, who was an administrator at the school of Public Health at the local university, was helping put together programs that would bring Israeli and Palestinian universities and public health groups together to work on universal public health issues like helping ppl stop smoking, vaccination, etc. it was going really well at the time. he was going over there a few times a year to coordinate with the people running the programs there. he was really optimistic about it, & several other similar programs. this was back when Yasser Arafat and Yitzak Rabin/Shimon Peres were having a lot of talks that were seemingly productive and hopeful. like obviously it was hardly a golden age but it seemed like maybe Israel was moving away from violence. and then 9/11 happened and everything exploded and all the little programs simply disappeared and my dad never went back to work with anyone. and then fucjing... Netanyahu. and it seems like since then everything only gets worse and worse and further and further from anything other than horrible violence, and that devastates me

In high school I took a Mideast Civ class and one of my fellow students was a kid whose parents had been expelled from Palestine during the war and fled to America. what I remember being struck by when he talked about this was how his family's story was so similar to my family's story and a deep sense of shame and anger that people who had undergone what my family had could then make his family undergo the same thing. That's still a pretty big part of how I feel. I don't accept that that kid's experience was necessary to keep me or my family safe.

I'm just a guy. I try my best to learn as much as I can and listen to a large variety of people connected to this so I can have a more holistic view of things. I'm not making this post rebloggable for obvious reasons but since it's here on my blog, for anyone reading who is also feeling despair, here's some organizations that are good to follow & support if you are able (non-exhaustive obviously)

synagoguesrising.org Synagogues Rising is a coalition of leftist synagogues in the US who advocate for Palestinian liberation and who are currently begging the US government to work to deescalate military violence and provide humanitarian aid to people in Gaza

refuser.org Refusers Solidarity Network is a group advocating for Israelis who refuse to serve in the military as conscientious objectors

map.org.uk Medical Aid for Palestinians living under occupation & as refugees

Genuinely, thanks for asking about my family. if you also have family in the area, I hope they are also alright.

I want everyone to be alright. I know this is a lot of big baby feelings and no particular political ideologies or solutions and that's because I'm just one fucking Jew and I'm not an activist or a revolutionary and I kind of feel a bit like other online people could stand to admit more often that they're also just some guy and also not activists or revolutionaries. I sure have beliefs and I sure feel strongly about them, but man, right now I just want to express grief & anger & worry about how awful this government is and how many people they're going to kill and how much I wish it was not happening

my family is Ok.

eta: I'm reading this back and realizing that as a response to this ask it makes it sound like I'm saying that inquiring about the well-being of someone's Israeli relatives is like, inherently devaluing the well-being of other ppl and I very much am not saying that and do not believe that. I'm just enormously emotionally dysregulated and this got me kind of stream of consciousness about all of the things I have been chasing around in my brain about this.

#jewish #long post #israel palestine tag

[lookbluesoup]

I've had a lot of people interacting with my post yesterday about wishing there was more fandom meta discussion and exploration of "missing moments" with... huge amounts of fear and insecurity.

And I get that it's hurtful to share stuff in a fandom space and potentially be met with silence. It's easy to feel drowned out or get overwhelmed in a big fandom. It's terrifying to be in an online space and potentially get harassed by assholes who think anyone who looks at canon differently from them are evil.

I have definitely left spaces before where one or both of those things were so prevalent that I didn't feel like it was worth it trying to be part of that community. Your feelings are valid, they're legitimate fears. But it really hurts my heart to see so many creative people be so afraid.

Based on what I've seen, I assume that many DO want a more interactive fandom experience, in spite of that anxiety.

I can't tell anyone what they should do. I can advise you that fear and insecurity usually come from the inside - from past hurts, and that understanding them and deciding you don't want to be afraid anymore, that you deserve a space and a voice, is an important step in being able to reach out and form healthy, genuine connections with people over the things that you love.

But you are the only one who can decide what's good for you. Maybe you need therapy, or a different fandom, or a different environment. Maybe you need to cut some toxic people out of your life. I'm a stranger on the internet and I'll never be able to answer that question for you.

In lieu of that, I'll share some tips that have generally helped me feel safe in fandom spaces even though I have sometimes have anxiety attacks just trying to talk to friends.

Block people. I am dead serious. This bit is extra long because of how serious I am. 1) You're deliberately putting your comfort first, and that's a good thing to practice and 2) You won't have to worry much about those people invading your space

You don't have to hate them, they don't have to be evil, you just have to decide this isn't someone who's opinions you want in your corner of fandom. If they keep posting way off base critique of your favorite character, or imply liking a ship/character is somehow evil, or are just generally negative and you feel worse after seeing their posts most of the time? Take care of yourself. Block them.

If you really don't like their takes, you can go into your settings and use the filter tool to hide posts that their username is mentioned in from your dash. You don't have to see them or deal with them. Ignorance is bliss.

This is not being mean, it's not being an asshole, it's not being insensitive.. It's telling yourself "My comfort matters." We're in a hobby space, here to enjoy ourselves. You can always unblock someone later if you want.

If someone sends you anon hate. Block anon. If you MUST reply to the ask to show your friends or get the last word in, screenshot it and post the screenshot to respond to. But click that menu beside the actual ask and block the shit out of that Anon. Afaik they'll be IP blocked, it will be much harder for them to send you additional hate. (Not impossible, but harder, and most will move on to easier targets.)

You are not "winning" by leaving them unblocked, you're not proving that you're brave or that they don't matter, you're just leaving yourself open to more abuse. Block anon hate.

Unfollow people if the content they put on your dash upsets you. You don't have to dislike them personally. You don't have to justify it. Being "mutuals" is often overemphasized on here. You can be friends, you can read their fics or send them asks and be supportive without having to see every single thing they share. Following is about curating your dash, not picking friends.

Don't post when you're angry. I know that person bashing your fav character is an idiot but do not vaguepost or call them out in a fit of rage. Take a step back, remember it's fandom and not the entire world. If the other person seems interested in discussion, you can have a good-faith talk about it, but don't go into it determined to change their mind. You're just exchanging information, and you're allowed to disagree. If they're only hating and clearly not interested in talking, then write something positive about your character instead, in your own post, and focus on maintaining a space with people who you actually like talking to.

Hopefully you're seeing that the above advice is about building a safe, manageable fandom corner for yourself, and feeling powerful enough to enforce it. That's important. You don't owe people online interaction.

Fandom acquaintances can certainly grow into strong friendships, but not everyone, or even MOST of the people in fandom, deserve to be your friend and all the social obligations that entails. It would be exhausting and stressful to do otherwise, and it's not practical.

Now for positive action!

Nurture a handful of good friendships. If you brought some to fandom with you, great. You're a book club now. Each other's main "support", who (hopefully) do genuinely enjoy talking together. Fandom at large might not always give you affirmation, but a few good friends who know you giving you that support will be much more meaningful and sincere.

Talk to people you like! Say nice things about their art, writing, or characters. Reblog from them. Show a genuine interest in talking to them and seeing their creations. I know it's scary, but if you're trying to make connections, you do have to reach out! Lots of us are scared and most of us don't hear that we matter to someone else often enough. Be the change you want to see. You may be surprised to find that opening a door allows others to come through it, too, and they'll often try to connect back.

Not everyone will reciprocate the interest, for a variety of reasons which won't usually be your fault. That's ok! If you like their stuff, keep supporting them because that's part of what keeps fandom alive, but look for friendship elsewhere. Even if it doesn't work out and you don't hit it off, you tried!

More people agree with your takes than you think. A lot of them might be scared, too, because going against fanon mainstream is intimidating. But you'll have a much harder time finding like-minded folks if you never share your takes/writing/art/etc for people to find. Putting your voice out there is an investment that might take some time to pay off, but if it makes one other person out there feel less alone and more validated, surely that's worth it?

You're allowed to change your mind. About characters, about people, about fandom, about yourself. You are not beholden forever to your first or second opinion about a topic.

#idk if this will really help anyone but i figure its worth saying #its not a catch all but its an amalgamation of stuff that helped ME when i was in the worst of my states #fandom #wyn gabs #mental health #long post #text #anxiety #depression

[deltamb3r]

I didn't think I was going to write this in the first place.

Unfollow me if you want, but I wanted to say something about this.

I don't take sides, and I'm not doing it even now, because that goes against I've learned.

This had been going on for a while, but I wanted to talk about what is going on in the community with LazyLamb and Cosmica being rightfully scared about him and sharing her experience.

I've read the post's DMs, analyzed them, even, and came to the conclusion that both sides have made wrong moves.

Lazy had made unhealthy statements, surely, and not only to Cosmica, but to other artists as well. But, he also tried to give himself a contain, and apologized for being a dick. And I guess he tried to do the same to other people who harrassed without meaning to do so.

I've been online on sites long enough to know for a fact that many, many people, especially on the internet, couldn't care less about you or how you feel as a living being. That's the general mentality online. That's why I do not approach people on dms first, exceptions making.

Now, studying their conversations, as a graduated person who studied psychology for 5 years, Lazy gave me not the impression of an annoying stalker, but as someone who was going through a hard time and made some bad statements to the wrong people, who in retaliation got creeped out.

It's not the first time I've met people like him (and it won't be the last), but with the way he talks I undersood he doesn't know how to keep himself on a leash. He's horrified of being left alone and anxious of how people online thinks of him. That makes him sending messages and looking like a creep when in reality he had no bad intentions.

And as someone who had even worse experiences online, I can say he's not that bad. In fact he's one of the genuinely kindest people I've met once you open up to him. He sometimes lets his anxiety take over him and that escalates in what he says.

There are definitely more weird people who make so much worse.

As I first stated: i do not take sides, and I know this won't change your minds either.

What I am saying is only not to judge him on behalf of what kind of impression he gave to you. I know what anxiety does to people, and you have all the rights to be uncomfortable with talking to people online. I've seen so many genuinely nice people being completely destroyed by online communities over the years.

Sorry for the venting, but the therapist in me kept kicking my butt.

Have a nice day!

[entropy-sea-system]

This blog and our sideblogs will be on hiatus/inactive at least for a while.

I think being online may be a bit overwhelming for us, I don't feel like we got much out of it and its so easy for us to leave servers and block people when everything doesn't seem perfect, we don't have any actual attachment to anyone online so it's easy to just leave.

And this time at least w the discord servers I don't even feel very angry or upset, just maybe left out of anxiety and feeling like I need a change in the spaces Im in. I also wonder if in some cases I eventually get tired of a space or people and need to leave, Im not used to stability, and especially have no incentive to stay when I don't have a connection to someone.

I think currently I only feel that stability with my in sys partners, and sometimes Im still not used to that, I haven't cared about people that intensely for that long until having relationships with them.

We see a concerning amount of people hold views we can't agree with, and have been blocking these people as well as just ppl whose posts were not things we were interested in / may have been things we disliked or were triggered or repulsed by. We have blocked so many followers and unfollowed or blocked some ppl we followed because of these things, and its just better for us this way.

We haven't liked being in spaces mainly with minors, but maybe that was just the nature of online aro and apl spaces as of now, and some fandom spaces. But some discord servers geared towards adults seem to imply minors are 'annoying' and I don't agree with that, it feels antithetical to youth liberation and generally just respecting people.

I just prefer interacting with adults personally, and most of the system is this way since we are an adult. I feel like Ive been around minors like for so long (body has younger siblings and we were a minor until like 3-4 years ago) that I'm preferring to be around adults because I want to feel more like Im actually an adult, and don't feel like spaces with more minors are for us.

I think maybe I just got a bit tired of being around the age group of 'my age and younger' for so much of my life its like I don't want a repeat of that. I don't know anyone I really trust outside the system(not a priority to find this either), and I've never had an older adult mentor figure I could trust in my life, and I don't even know if I want that since some older adults may see me as 'like their child' and I'm afamilial. I'm also plato repulsed and it doesn't appeal to me to just hang out with people, I may be more plato repulsed than I thought (extending more into some things seen as friendship) which is really saying something.

This doesn't mean minors and youth are prone to always having views we disagree with (although we understand there are some reasons minors may be less likely to be informed about things or be influenced by the way the world has been, but that goes for any age group and/or culture in different ways) or that adults cannot interact in appropriate ways with minors, its just personal preference. I don't feel like on purpose interacting w minors in online spaces, and I don't even seek online interaction w anyone much to begin with. I think often, we just like talking about our interests and maybe like the attention we may get from people online.

There's nothing else we find positive about it, and the way online spaces can become very invested in discourse is.. irritating and like yeah I do talk about discourse and have opinions on it (not much posting abt on main, but used to a bit more in vent channels or other channels on discord servers) myself it's just maybe I want to avoid it for now since it doesn't seem like a good use of time or energy.

I want to avoid people who very obviously have opposing views to ours or make space for those who do for some topics at least, and I don't want people to target us for not agreeing with them. Frankly, I'm seeing a lot of harmful attitudes from so-called leftists and generally people in the mogai community, especially usamericans.

Anyways, all this is to say we will probably be taking a break from tumblr and discord or at least try it out for a bit, see if it feels better than being online a lot.

(-Rift)

[animepopheart]

I don't understand why people get so angry about you sharing your point of view. First of all, all I've seen you post is cute anime stuff. You've never tried to shove any ideas. Second, everyone here shares their point of view here and nobody bats an eye. I find that being attacked by others because of your religion or point of view is truly despicable.

Come on guys, if you don't like someone's opinion, just unfollow and block. No need to be nasty.

Third, l applaud you for not feeling ashamed and not backing down. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I follow Jesus too. Not because of the way I grew up or because somebody brainwashed me, but because He healed me. I suffered from horrible, paralyzing anxiety disorder and He healed me. That's it. That's my reason.

God bless you and I hope Jesus fills your heart with joy.

WOW, thank you for sharing your testimony! That's awesome. I think Christians sometimes forget that God has the power to heal us in all manner of ways—I certainly know I do.

And I appreciate your perspective, too. The goal of Beneath the Tangles is to create a community where people feel safe regardless of their religion. But many won't feel that way no matter what we do. Similarly, I've put a lot of folks on mute on various platforms b/c their discourse is too much for me (mostly political!). It's hard for us to all get along, but definitely, we should avoid adding to the noise.

[leaveharmony]

It's sad how you've allowed these white men take over real estate in your heard mortgage free. You used to be really cool before you allowed your bitterness to take over. I've unfollowed you and am probably going to block you because while i respect that you don't have to like any one you constantly shitting on people just because you dislike it is sad and seeing as my life is hard enough I don't need your negativity in my life.

Um...Ok?  And you should?  If my TIDAL WAVE OF NEGATIVITY AND BITTERNESS during the maybe 7 seconds per week I'm forcibly reminded that whoever it is you're talking about exists outweighs whatever it was that caused you to bestow the honour of "really cool" on me in the first place then godspeed, nonners.  Go seek your bliss.I'm not...sure why you feel the need to tell me this tbh, as the tragedy of being Deemed Uncool by an anonymous stranger who's never interacted with me in any way is a comparatively minor one, but if the acknowledgement makes you feel better about it than I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.Farewell, follower number...uh...follower who had a number probably, idk I don't know how many I have.

------

All clowning aside though, I genuinely don't understand why someone would send a message like that.  And I had no idea how to respond to it...or if I should.  If they're looking for attention, isn't that just giving them what they want?  But then...if I ignored it, would that make them send more?  Can you block an anon?  I have no idea.  For the terrible crime of vocally disliking certain popular wrestlers in her own space, I've literally seen people spend over a month relentlessly harassing a friend of mine in the most vile and vicious manner, while the person that triggered it all egged them on and laughed about it.

So...I never know what to do.  Probably it wouldn't lead to anything that bad, but how do I know?  If they've been around since I was “really cool” (I'm sorry, that's still funny.  I've never been cool in my life) then they'd know I'm seeing a therapist.  They'd know I have pretty crippling social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, severe depression.  Were they trying to set it off?They did, actually - messages like that always spike my anxiety badly when I see them.  Heartrate went right up, stomach sank.  It isn't the content so much as the intent, you know?  Random message out of nowhere RE hey I think you're awful: what's the point of that?  Why take the time?Is that what they were trying to do?  Somehow...get me to correct my fiendish refusal to *looks at smeared writing on hand* um, tailor my space to their exact specifications?  Did they unfollow me a few days ago and get frustrated when I didn't mention it (or indeed, notice)?  Were they looking for attention?  Validation?  Just acknowledgement?  I don't keep any track of how many followers I get tbh, except to check that new ones aren't porn bots.  How many people are here or why doesn't affect my life in any way.

It's...I don't wanna use the word triggering, necessarily.  But like.  As I say...if they've been here however long, they know I have anxiety.  They know I live in an active abuse situation.  They know I get extremely defensive over my space bc I've got a history of people coming into my spaces both real and virtual and taking things.  My father's sold or given away or thrown out or destroyed my things on more than one occasion, once or twice while I literally sobbed and begged him not to.  That time it was a doll cradle.  I was maybe 6.  He sold it to a lady for five dollars while I cried in the driveway.When I got home from a school trip to New York one day, I came into my room to find he'd been in here and rearranged all my furniture even up to moving the bed from where I had it...and of course, he got furiously angry when I burst into tears.  I couldn't move the bed back, it was too heavy for me and I wasn't strong enough...and he wouldn't do it, so I just sat there sobbing hysterically until he finally came raging back in, shouting abuse and calling me everything under the sun, and moved it back.Imagine coming home exhilarated from a great experience to find out people you were meant to trust had come into your space without your consent or knowledge and reorganized everything in it, then had an explosion of temper because you weren't “grateful” they'd done it.  There's a reason I have a hoarding problem I'm just now trying to address, after decades of being terrified to let anything out of my sight lest it be gone when I go to look for it.  There's a reason I'm protective of my space.

This blog is my space.  I don't know what nonners thought I started it for, but it sure as fuck wasn't for anyone else's pleasure or interest; hell, some nights when I'm really plugging away I can churn out like 60 gif posts in a single sitting, and most of them end up with less than ten notes.  It's not for the attention.  Half of why I have alternate tags for wrestlers is so I'm not constantly clogging their tags w/ my nonsense - and I don't tag my hate at all, on the rare occasion I bother with criticisms.  You're looking at the repository of the hyperfixation I use to keep myself alive.  If other people enjoy it, that's super!  But at its heart, it isn't for other people.  

They wanna know about the white man who has real estate in my head?  It's my abusive piece of shit father, who has all but beaten the ability to express negative emotion at all out of me over a period of decades. 

Compared to him, some coward I don’t know from adam hiding on anon trying to chide me for occasional snarky comments about their faves looks like a pair of nail clippers next to a goddamn threshing machine.