#but am i thinking this because i actually feel this way. am i actually unable to get attached to people

[silverwhittlingknife]

OKAY SO i have been rereading dustorange's wonderful post here about Dick in an UtRH-esque scenario where he dies & then comes back to life

AND I HAVE INCOHERENT BRAINSTORMING THOUGHTS:

so first, i think Robin!Dick would be just as hurt by the discovery that Bruce has a new Robin, and brood about it - but i think the shame of having died would stop him from confronting Bruce about it the way Nightwing!Dick does in canon.

and I do NOT think that he would expect Bruce to kill anyone for him (or even be upset that he doesn't? I just don't think this would be a consideration for Dick. he's gonna be fixated on "I failed." so he'll be upset about being replaced but not about the lack of revenge. and if Bruce did take revenge, i think he'd actually feel angry and betrayed about that because it'd feel like the choice was taken away from him, a la how upset he gets when he thinks Bruce has arranged to have Zucco killed - even if he intellectually knows that Bruce wasn't deliberately undermining himbecause he didn't know Dick was gonna come back to life.)

anyway so what WOULD he do??

what comes to mind is something along the lines of "Dick obsessively keeps an eye on Batman & Robin even while telling himself that he's not"

and then - say - if it's Robin!Tim (i feel like this has to be Tim because in the world where Dick dies there is no way that Bruce is voluntarily picking a new Robin), then maybe the moment when Dick steps in is when Bruce is in danger & he's furious / critical of Tim for not protecting Bruce well enough

and i feel like that's how he'd channel the hurt feelings - it'd all be deflected under shame and obligation, and then translated into the anger of "you replaced me & yet you're failing to do the job that you're supposed to do" (which is actually about projection/self-hatred because Dick would actually be mad at himself for having died & not doing that job anymore)

and Dick wouldn't want to see Bruce at all because of the shame over dying & subconscious fear that Bruce doesn't want him back, plus every little thing that Tim does differently would drive him NUTS because it implies that maybe the way Dick did things wasn't good enough for Bruce

i'm actually kind of fascinated by this now. because i am me and i have (1) obsession i am mostly invested in the dick & tim side of it sdfsdfds

so i'm picturing Tim very stung by whatever critical things Dick said to him & tracking this mysterious vigilante down, and then Dick doesn't want to spend ANY time with him BUT he's also subconsciously desperate for news of Bruce!!! so then something something Dick starts sorta training him a la Tim's various contacts with edgy non-batman-aligned vigilantes, and Tim's very defensive about how he IS a good robin so THERE but of course he's also defensive because he's secretly worried he's not good enough.

normally i would have tim Recognize dick since recognizing dick is tim's most basic skill HOWEVER i think it would be much more fun if tim doesn't recognize him so he can give dick a speech about legacy & the first robin: "i do x and such because that's how the first robin did it so it is Objectively Correct." which Dick will find incredibly infuriating but will be unable to counter since he cannot counter with 'the 1st robin was ME'

…hmmm i do think Dick ought to be angry about SOMETHING about batman's methods/attitude just because that's more dynamic? I feel like in order to make the adaptation work, there ought to be SOME kind of argument with Bruce right before he dies that he can still be mad about, a la the garzonas fight for Jason and Bruce. unsure what though?

okay let's see: I feel like Dick's main arguments with Bruce aren't about vigilante issues per se so much as they're about working in a team - so e.g.

1) Bruce being controlling/demanding, and 2) Bruce being secretive and doing stuff behind Dick's back, and 3) Bruce not allowing Dick enough autonomy, 4) just generally a perceived lack of trust.

SO maybe whatever The Frustrating Thing that bruce was doing when dick died is a thing he's STILL doing with this new robin, and dick is getting frustrated all over again sorta on tim's behalf but mostly on his own behalf because he never got to resolve this with bruce

but anyway that way when Bruce finally spots disguised!Dick, then they can have the fight again before Bruce realizes who he is <3

#extremely good ideas / extremely bad ideas #there should be utrh!dick + robin!tim fics. i've decided now #sorry jason fans i love you i don't know where he is in this scenario #maybe uhhh he moved to metropolis. i don't know #anyway i do NOT believe dick would ever ever ever take on the Red Hood identity in a million years though #jason's got a whole 'i confront my worst fear via becoming it' thing going on #but i feel like dick's angst would be more about Me & Bruce rather than directed at the joker or any particular enemy #so no Red Hood #he does need a new costume though so i'm picturing him in the Renegade costume from the mob arc

[alllgator-blood]

okkk wait this is the anon that sent an ask about autistic narinder and leshy hc 😅 i retract my statement they're all autistic 🤯🤯🤯🤯

I WAS LITERALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF ANSWERING THAT ASK TO SAY "I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE ALL AUTISTIC" BEFORE THIS ONE GOT SENT IN, I was two sentences in so your comedic timing was impeccable actually

I know there's like no evidence in-game to back my claims so this is purely a vibe check (and also me being unable to write for neurotypical characters) but yeah no I 100% feel like all the bishops have autism for some reason. They definitely express it in different ways and I was actually thinking about that in the car ride back home tonight??

SEMI-DETAILED HC EXPLANATIONS BELOW THE CUT

For leshy, I feel like since he's the youngest...when he came along, everyone was like "yep. We don't even need to get this one tested" after seeing him in his natural element. Which sounds cruel but that's just personal experience after people in my family started getting diagnosed and we started noticing things about each other better LMAO. I kinda actually designed my iteration of him to be like a big stim toy, I did that shitpost sketch in the last post but even the first time I drew him I was like "this dude is made out of orbs that make satisfying noises when they click together", so if I had to categorize the way his neurodivergency manifests, it's definitely "I NEED TO MOVE AROUND!! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!! MAYBE SCREAM A LITTLE IDK IT JUST FEELS RIGHT!!"

Heket is for sure the one that fights the most against people labelling her with it, just because she's like I'M SO NORMAL GUYS. LOOK HOW NORMAL I AM. LOOK HOW WELL I CAN ADAPT TO CHANGE AND LOOK AT ME NOT FREAK OUT AT ALL WHEN I'M OUT OF MY ELEMENT!! She's the new leader of the family so she does her best to hold it together but if you make plans with her, she's gonna be in Waiting Mode as soon as the plans are made and might tear you limb from limb if you flake or reschedule. Something my therapist told me recently is that me getting absurdly upset over injustices (small or big) is likely directly related to being autistic, so if heket feels like something is wrong she will absolutely be vocal about it. If someone says something mean to her, they are her fucking arch nemesis from that point on. The block button is NOT enough she wants them DEAD

For narinder, I feel like he maybe bonded a lot with shamura over the fact both of them feel pretty disconnected from everyone else? The way his autism manifests is probably the feeling that he's on a completely different wavelength than everyone else, and can't experience empathy the same way his siblings can. He'll like have conversations with people but it feels like someone just talking at him, and him having to mentally choose the dialogue options that make the conversation end the quickest. He probably feels like a completely separate species from everyone else on more levels than just "I am a cat and you are not". I know this doesn't line up with my narinder art so far but I have a distinct characterization of him pre-schism that's completely different from post-schism. I feel like he also resented the other siblings for having the same condition as him but presenting so differently, he felt like he got the short end of the stick.

Kallamar........is a FREAk ABOUT TEXTURES. Bro will actually throw up if he has to eat or touch something gross. He would probably excuse himself to go hurl if he sees leshy combining everything on his plate and shovelling it into his face. I'M actually about to hurl just thinking about it. I have to have lotion on at all times or I freak out when I touch things with my hands, and I feel like kallamar needs to have that famous Cephalopod Mucus Layer in order to exist in his body without wanting to implode. Maybe even a special oil he formulates himself? I also feel like he probably has the most freakouts and has been left crying inconsolably + hyperventilating on the floor over something seemingly stupid MANY times, but shamura is understanding enough to be patient with him and not try to grab him or repeat phrases at him over and over.

LASTLY, SHAMURA DOESN'T THINK THEY HAVE AUTISM. They're like "I love my Neurodivergent Family :) can't relate tho" but all the siblings have unanimously agreed they have something going on up there, even before the TBI. I think they're very book smart, and have little file cabinets of their brain of stuff like "arthropod husbandry" and "dreamcatcher making techniques" but are totally clueless to how other people operate. They don't really know *why* people do the things they do; in my prequel AU thing, they gain most of their social knowledge through people watching rather than like...being normal and just knowing how to behave. Out of all the siblings, they've probably been told the classic phrase "but you don't look autistic!" the most LMAO

Also shamura 100000% has misophonia and that's the reason I didn't have them sitting at the table with the other siblings in the voidpunk comic I did of them. They love their family to death but they have to make the conscious decision to not shake baby leshy every time he loudly chokes down his dinner, so they just sit out meals and eat on their own time. If shamura was real I would build them a shrine and sacrifice my noise cancelling headphones cause idk if they have sound reduction methods in cotl world <3

I know autism kinda encompasses ALL of these traits and isn't something that can be categorized into "this one hates noises, this one needs to follow a schedule..." but I also don't want to just point at one bishop and go "YOU. YOU WILL BE MY VESSEL" because I'd never get to write all that I have in mind if only one character had it. There's definitely overlaps in symptoms between them but I just wrote down what I felt would be the most notable to that specific character. I've been wanting to do a comic about their special interests or the times they just like sync up and have a brain blast jimmy neutron moment, cause usually they're all over the place. I have literally never said the word "autism" so many times in my life I think I gotta cut it here, THIS IS SO LONG. I REALLY DID WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS THOUGH SO THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK GENUINELY. IDK IF YOU EXPECTED A SMALL ESSAY ON THIS BUT I WROTE ONE ANYWAY

#HEADCANON DUMP #LET'S FUCKING GOOOOO

[princess-of-the-corner]

Heading to bed, but yeah just to clarify I view the André, Chloe, Audrey thing as a lot like Chloe's suite thing.

André didn't put Chloe in an over exposed, barely private suite she can't impart any personality on to be cruel. He didn't put her in a suite bereft of any of the material tools or means to develop self sufficiency and life skills because he was aiming to keep her dependent on him.

But it sure as fuck worked out that way!

It also fed into what he wanted from the relationship, to feel needed and important and a provider, so he never had reason to correct it.

Similarly, he didn't look at Chloe & think "You will be my replacement Audrey". So much as view her as a sort of symbolic, "Proof Audrey loves me" which only got inflamed when she began mimicking Audrey in manner and behavior.

Which left the sense Chloe's approval was Audrey's approval, but also cos she wasn't actually Audrey always meant she was a silver medal. Hence him shrugging off how Audrey treats her and focusing on Audrey when she's around, at first.

Thus it becomes recreating his dynamic with Audrey, but with someone who relies on him and needs him. So he gets the familiarity of the relationship with Audrey to fill her absence but also praise and fawning which gave his ego & identity affirmation and soothing.

I didn't intend to convey actual physical actions had strictly occurred.

The term I used, emotional incest, is:

Described as occurring when a parent is unable or unwilling to maintain a relationship with another adult and forces the emotional role of a spouse onto their child instead. The child's needs are ignored and instead the relationship exists solely to meet the needs of the parent and the adult may not be aware of the problems created by their actions. It has been described as "unboundaried bonding" in which the parent or parents use the child as a mirror to support their needs, rather than mirroring the child in support of the child's emotional development

So less something planned and plotted and more a deeply unhealthy evolution born of an already messed up relationship and person.

I imagine in universe it'd be one of those things that some people might notice but also not notice, in a sort of "Am I just imagining that this feels a bit... Off? Am I reading too much into how she's talking & behaving?" But if they stuck around and watched long enough would be like, "OK, no I wasn't imagining it, this dynamic is all twisted up and terrible."

Like it might not be physical, but its still really unhealthy, like parentification or enforced dependency and like the above it just feels like it can fit a little too neatly in as a read on the relationship.

Either way it's fucked!

[miabrown007]

going crazy about kaz brekker hours

#HE'S JUST *screams into a pillow* #Inej wants him to be better she NEEDS him to be better and shed his armour and be emotionall vulnerable and honest to her #and every time he tries it life delivers a right hook into his solar plexus and knocks him to hell and back #and time and time again he is made to come to the incorrect conclusion that being vulnerable and soft and caring about anyone ever #is a mistake and a weakness that he isn't allowed that he doesn't deserve #and his only way of getting what he wants and keeping the people he loves safe is if he becomes something that can't love them #like life just continues to punish him for having any kind of feelings #and he can only love them if he kills the part of himself that loves them. like COME ON MAN #i'm literally unwell about this kid (KID HE'S FUCKING 17 LET HIM LIVE) #someone sedate me (well actually don't i need to start reading CK tonight) #Kaz I Am Ruin And Ruination Brekker #and it's so tragic because he has come such a long way during SoC and when Inej asks him to be hers you know he can't do it. he would like #to but he's unable of it like his walls are still built up so high. #and it's fair of her to ask because she needs that and keeping her always at arms length is not viable of Kaz but also that's all he can #currently give her. that's his all and it's not enough and my heart is breaking for them ohmygod #they make me think so much of felonies love square I'LL EAT GLASS #okay. anyway. finished six of crows. i'm normal about them. #mia's reading

[starpros-sunshine]

my ridiculously self indulgent thought process when one dear mutual of mine presented me those stickers on this day in an assortment of existing within each others near proximity as presented by yours truly

#By the way I have a kofi I would put it on the actual post but I am worried that when school starts and I will be busy I am gonna be unable #to manage that properly so I will leave it at this until I do some further thinking and also it just feels very on the nose #so I'n gonna be annoying about it in the least effective way possible #But yes #them <3 #those jackets I do not know how they worked I didn't look at any reference I just prayed that they are okay #I need to sketch some rocks too for school but lalalalala prochrastination #man that's gonna be boring but whatever I'll do that on the weekends #wataei #Eichis hairpart still is such a thing to me does he have a middle part does he have a side part who knows it depends on the card #he has a slight side part to me <33 because I like it that way #and with Watarus hair I just do whatever at this point

[elftwink]

it boggles my mind that I still see reminder type posts about not consuming Harry Potter content, not because I expected everyone to agree to stop engaging but because I did sort of expect that the people engaging with hp in 2024 would at least have the decency to not grovel on the internet for random transgender bloggers to validate that they're still a good person and not transphobic for liking hp still. like these posts are not redundant they are FILLED with defensive responses and excuses for why actually its fine and its like not only can you not stop engaging with Harry Potter but you also want to be able to post about doing so non-stop and you never ever want to even see a transgender person point out that JKR is actively funding and directly influencing transphobic organizations and legislation. to the point that when someone does you are incapable of simply scrolling by because you need so badly to be reassured that this internet rando doesn't think you specifically are a bad person for doing the thing they said is bad. unreal main character syndrome. if you have committed to being an hp fan fine i am not a cop or your mom and I cannot make you do anything at all. but I am not, nor is any other trans person, going to give you 'permission' or absolve you of your own guilt for doing so. that is your problem to reconcile yourself and is not the job of random trans people. like jesus christ enough already

#good idea generator #this isnt exclusive to hp fans this is a pretty pervasive issue on this site #where someone will be like well i think x action is bad and harmful #and 10000 people will come out of the woodwork to be like well i do x action am i bad 🥺 am i a bad person 🥺 #oh i have to do x action because of [extenuating circumstance obviously not intended by the op] you think im bad you think i should die??? #like. ok you know when any big social movement is getting traction #you suddenly see 100 posts about how actually its okay to not do anything or say anything tumblr is escapism!!! #even though for the VAST majority of users. they are not expected to say or do anything by the ppl who follow them on tumblr #so really the purpose those posts serve is to justify legitmize and spread around the idea that you can do literally nothing ever #and still be a 'good person'. it is to assuage your own guilt #and it serves ZERO purpose other than to detract from ongoing conversations #bc if you were really serious about supporting something but being unable to help in xyz ways for various reasons #you would shut the fuck up!!!! and not post about not being able to do anything!!! #the same way that you shouldnt say that you cant donate to a fundraiser when you share it even if its true and reasonable #bc it makes other people who read that less likely to donate themselves even if they DO have the means #these tags are getting incoherent but hopefully my point gets across idk #i just feel in general we should stop begging internet strangers for absolution. youre not going to get it from there.

[caffeinatedopossum]

Getting sick as an adult and having the terrifying realization that when I would get multiple sinus infections a year from my "allergies" and my mom told me I would die if I didn't take my medicine even though I only felt mildly ill...

yeah turns out what she meant by that was not "sinus infections are very deadly" but was in fact "I will not take you to the hospital if this gets so bad that it starts to kill you and I cannot afford a dead kid on my hands"

#like not to shame people who suffer from sinus infections. like sure they suck. but under normal circumstances they should not be killing u #and neither should allergies to pollen for that matter #it was also a problem because i was pretty severely underdeveloped (still am) and my throat was genuinely so small i couldnt #swallow the pills without very bad pain and fear of choking. especially since i was unable to breathe through my nose #like taking any amount of time to swallow something when your nose is completely congested feels bad #i also couldnt handle the liquid form of dayquil that i wad given because i knew it made my siblings gag and i had awful emetophobia #anyway yeah just thinking back on the neglect as an adult really puts things into perspective #i can think of at least 10 times off the top of my head that she would have let me die without batting an eye #and idk how i survived honestly. i guess i was just fortunate because theres no way i saved myself in those scenarios #actually there was one time my sister took me to the ER (against my moms will even though she had health insurance 🙃) #but that was when my sister was an adult #i mean that same sister also did allow other shady stuff though without batting an eye so idk how grateful i should be #like she was perfectly fine with the fact that our house had no heat and i just occasionally (every day) could not be woken up #idk what kinda double standards she had going on there but yeah #i lived! yay...? #yea yay

[kn11ves]

sometimes as a brown person u think youre pretty chill with a group of white people because they will have somethign in common with you, such as been gay or something, and all the sudden they hit you with the "i can excuse racism but i draw the line at being annoying" when it comes to hating on someone and like oh ok i hate white people again

#extremely vague but it still bothers me i care about my friends a lot but soemtimes its litaerlly like they mentally cannot take racism as #seriously as other brown people can like theres some sort of fucking like WALL in their brain that makes them PHYSICALLY UNABLE to like. ge #it #and it just feels really isolating like ohhhh so they are never going to get it and i am so alone and me and all my kin are going to have t #just suffer because these liberals are litearlly never going to take it seriously if it makes them uncomfortable #😔 #sorry i am very exhausted and i really wish me being brown wasnt an actual issue for my existance that affects me everyday all of the time #in every way #i litearlly wish that the way they think ignoring it will make it go away was true

[dawningfairytale]

currently fascinated with the concept of unrequited blackrose as per usual

#rtc #ride the cyclone #blackrose rtc #blackrose #also to be clear i am not villainising anyone who has unrequited feelings or is unable/unwilling to reciprocate unrequited feelings #i mostly think of it in a constance -> ocean way but ocean could have unrequited feelings for constance #i think either way the feelings-haver would feel so guilty. this is her friend and she’s corrupted it with stupid romantic desires #constance would bury it down deep. she knows ocean has no interest in relationships. she listens to all her words and remembers each one #and yeah ‘the truth sets you free’ but not if it traps the person you love #who is loving you back in every way they can #it’s so personal to me actually #if oceans having the feelings she tries to breeze past it. forget that thé thought ever came across her mind #but she cant. every look that constance gives. every smile that lets her personality shine through. every laugh that lights up her heart. #makes ocean think of holding her and kissing her and being her strongest defence from the cruel world. #but she can’t. #ocean has heard constance’s rants on the idea of settling down and how much romantic love is pushed #and she doesn’t disagree. far from it. that’s why she knows - for once - to shut up and let constance’s feelings dictate the duo’s actions #either way they stay friends. of course they do. and one never reveals the stupid crush she had on the other. because that would crush her #again! not villainising those who can’t/won’t reciprocate feelings. just looking at the guilt and confusion that comes from loving someon #e who can’t return it and what constance and ocean would do in such a situation #you’d think i’d be able to get over her more easily. wouldn’t you.

[anti-transphobia]

I really REALLY wish people would start saying "have some sympathy/compassion" instead of "have some empathy". Feelings do often impact actions but....they don't have to. And a lot of problems arise when actions are taken solely based on emotions. The type of empathy I'm best at is cognitive empathy - recognizing and understanding how someone might be feeling - and that's a skill that's shaky at best. Emotional empathy I nearly completely lack. I can count the amount of times someone had made me feel their emotions on one hand (I think about three times in my entire life).

But then there's compassion. Compassion you can do regardless of empathy level. Compassion you can do regardless of how something makes you feel. People can have extreme levels of empathy and choose not to try to help someone that they could. Likewise, people can have zero empathy and choose to help someone. Emotions can influence actions but it's not the only thing that matters

I am technically not no empathy, but I'm so low and so bad at empathy and trying to apply it that I'm virtually no empathy. Moments of true empathy are mostly flukes for me. But I'm a very compassionate person! An example is when someone vents or is sad in a discord server that's really not about that/doesn't have a vent channel for a reason. Do you know how that makes me FEEL? Irritated. Irked. If it's a small line or two, fine, it slips out, especially when your reality sucks. Entire unprompted rants? Trauma dumping in the middle of other people's normal conversations? That pisses me off. But you know what I'll often do? I'll say a few words. Generally my policy is that I'm not going to devote a ton of my own energy at my own detriment for a stranger (had an issue with that online as a teen), but if it doesn't hurt me physically or emotionally to give a few kind words to someone hurting, then I see no reason not to do it. It doesn't take much time from me and it makes someone clearly struggling feel a little bit better. There's zero empathy or any kind of "I feel so bad for you" emotions there, and yet, because I generally believe in trying to make things better if you can, I comfort them. I acknowledge that someone is hurting and play my part to remedy the situation

This is why people need to decouple actions from emotions. You don't have to feel ANYTHING to do the right thing. Something isn't "less good" because their heart wasn't in it. If someone drops their wallet and you return it to them solely out of social obligation, guess what? A wallet has still been returned. Someone's money, debit/credit cards, and entire identity, was not lost. Someone was just saved a ton of grief by a simple act carried out by a person who doesn't give a fuck. The results of your actions is, for most every day circumstances, more important than how you actually feel doing them

#just ranting because like. i experience emotions very strongly but not because of other people #no/extremely low empathy comes with struggles yes #for instance i hurt people's feelings on accident because im truly just mentally unable to naturally understand why someone would be hurt b #what i said #ive gotten better and better over the years but its still hard. and still an excercise in remembering to think 'wait - #'how would i feel if someone said this to me?' #and if the answer is 'well I'd be pissed' i dont say it #but im still a very compassionate person #ive had to learn to set boundaries for that compassion because it was affecting me negatively! #the same way people say 'caring too much' has hurt them #well i don't actually care about a lot of the people i help. i care about the act of helping others when i can enough to show compassion #but i dont often care about the person or what theyre going through #(for the record i do care about close friends to the point where that whole caring too much thing is relatable. im EXTREMELY loving #just very selective about it) #idk 12 am rant about compassion vs empathy because im tired of having to block what i assume are generally well meaning people who throw #low/no empathy havers under the bus every chance they get #compassion is a CHOICE and one you don't need empathy to make

[always-a-joyful-note]

I’ve passed 52% (yay!) and I have so many thoughts written down (yes, I take notes while reading (mostly keyboard smashes, though)). But I’m just gonna appreciate all of the relationships being portrayed here between the characters. And the level of complexity their personalities and worldviews and arcs are allowed. And also the fact that they’re allowed to show deep, deep emotion as much as they hide/deny it...and that their changes are so brutally shown to us readers and the people around them.

Just how? I don’t know how this book managed to show such character development, such a progression and changing of relationships, such nuance between characters (not just Dokja @ everyone, but also between the sides themselves), such belief in each other and the person they’ve become (312′s “I believe in the story they had built” - I’m dead), such lightheartedness but also such depth between everyone...

*suddenly throws the book into the wall* And how does it keep one devastating me with all these random exchanges!?!? It’s happening so close to each other and yet it seems so well built-up and paced?! I cannot....

#to protect my sanity and my emotions i have decided i don't like ORV anymore #that is a lie i'm so sorry.... #but guyssssss.....all the CHARACTERS #like...yoo sangah being such a GOOD-hearted person and yet... #...i think she represents a person who wants to be bad as well but has such strong ethics that she CAN'T #she can only do small misdeeds that make her feel like a bad person.... #and all this time i THINK she's warring between feeling like an awful person and being unable to actually do truly awful things... #...and finally just feeling as if she's lying to the world (impostor syndrome i guess?) #disclaimer all these opinions are my own and dont really reflect on the story #(wow that's a LONG tag i created....) #and seriously...the way everyone's changed for the better... #the way dokja went from 'yeah im just using everyone lol' to 'i missed them...' #the way....nope no....i shouldn't keep crowding my poor post's tags #excuse me rambling in the tags #fandom spamdom #note's nonsense #orv #omniscient reader's viewpoint #also i have so many reblogs in my drafts to reblog but am procrastinating because of this book and real life #i know i'm just basically echoing all my previous react posts but i really am emotionally deceased because of this book #anyway

[elegyofthemoon]

In the cool, plush core of the moon sleeps a mouse as we speak, dreaming of a world lush and green, then golden and undulating, then chopping and churning, a world of many surfaces with skies of many moods.

When it awakes, it will poke its tiny head out of a crater and bask in your glow as it does every morning. Here, all is still and silent. On that sparkling planet in the deep black distance, the sun seems capricious. But the mouse lives in the abyss of the body and therefore with a unique perspective on its essence. The mouse sees what other life does not see.

One needn't worry about unbecoming for the sake of containing a sun. Clouds may blanket the atmosphere of a planet, but still there burns a sun. The spots on the sun's surface may grow and shrink and shift, but still there it burns. And if one decides to cool it down like a waning flame or expand it in a cataclysmic supernova, still there it burns, and one has the right to revoke the state of their existence and become new.

Because perhaps the truth is you are not the sun--not alone--but it is rather a part of you. Your body is the solar system, each planet a world within the body, and each knows this glow in different ways. Some are nurtured by its warmth, others by its distance. Regardless of the sun's changes, they stay the course encircling it.

The universe cannot be held back, harnessed, fully comprehended. It pulls at the seams of solar systems as it pulls on its own seams. In that unstoppable shifting, we stumble. Sometimes it feels like our love and light slips from our fingers, shattering irrevocably in our falls. But what makes us cannot be seperated from us, even in times where our essence is obscured.

There is always another life to appreciate your life, no matter what happens. And in the least, there is always a little mouse in you that understands you in telescopic clarity and offers forgiveness for every change--no matter what, right into the end of time.

❤

#answered #this was sitting in my inbox for a little while #and i wanted to answer properly but i fear that responding back is a little...hard #not that i dont want to its more like this was so prettily written and just so beautiful i fear if i responded id just ruin it lol #so im responding in the tags bc i feel better about doing that #i appreciate whoever decided to write all this up and leave it here for me it means a lot #more vent in the tag #not really vent but ig just reflective i suppose with the last week: #i think i may have actually talked about it before but you have no idea how happy i am with just. the people im surrounded with these days #because even if im going through something ill always push my feelings down in order to make someone else happy #because idc what happens to me overall. if i can make someone else happy thats all that matters #but ik a lot of people take advantage of it so when something bad happens when im unable to help someone they used to get mad at me for it #so more reasons to kinda push my feelings aside to cater to them etc etc etc #but i think the past week has been nice too in realizing that the people around me are patient and just overall kind -- not really expectin #much of me #ig theres this understanding that we all have busy lives now and maybe thats just the gift of maturity as a whole #even if im not the super positive or comforting presence people put me as at least people still care and thats how i know im loved at least #ig in a way this ramble is just a very big thank you to everyone for that #theres a lot of kindness and warmth in this ask that i appreciate and only want to spin back to friends. i hope they can feel it #or that it reaches them #anons #kind messages

[icewindandboringhorror]

Daily Log 7

Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.

Activities: Finished all of the little things I carved out of avocado pits, will maybe post pictures at some point? I painted some sections (like for the eye I carved, I made part of it white for contrast, etc.) and then generally glazed them with some shiny paint stuff. Now I really wish I had more avocado pits, I was unsure at first, but I have some new ideas.. I want to try inlaying stones like I've seen in some pictures, similar to the same ones I use for eyes in my sculptures. >:3 (random google image example of the stones inside, like this sort of thing V)

Low effort/small house cleaning tasks, did a few dishes, put up laundry, organized things, put up the recycling, paid bills, etc.

Still extremely sleepy and unfocused, it was hot last night and the cats woke me up multiple times so I only got a few hours of sleep and barely had any energy to do anything and also had a headache and back pain a lot of the day. ToT

Finally made an appointment I was supposed to make like 4 days ago lol..

Gave wet food to the cats (this is an ordeal because George eats way faster than Noodle, so I have to separate them and stand guard so George doesn't vacuum his up immediately then run over and try to eat all of his brothers food.. evil boy must be watched to prevent his crimes )

Edited videos for like.. 15 minutes but still have not been very productive on that front (or editing costume photos or anything) due to shoulder pain and stuff making it hard to type/use mouse much on the computer. grrbbb >:V

Spent 10 minutes looking up a weird pendant I had in my rock collection area and found out it's an old piece of costume jewelry from the 60s(?) and could be worth like $200 potentially, which is cool. I'm not sure if I'll sell it though because I do think it's quite unique and good for a prop when making wizard character inventories, etc, and I'd never be able to find anything like it again (it's this one below.. it's very weird.. looks like something a mage would have lol)

Translated the tapestry text for 5 minutes, and got out some tubs of clothes to start organizing them to sell outfits and stuff online, but then felt ill and had to go lay down so now the tubs are just sitting out on the floor ghgh..

Notable sights: It rained a bit and the sky was very pretty at one point. Didn't get to go outside today due to schedule/low energy, so no clovers or anything. Saw a fat squirrel out the window once though. Also when I was looking through my "rock collection" (which also includes marbles, dice, pieces of glass, stones, gems, rubber balls, seashells, smooth wood, jewelry scraps, etc. ggh.. really more "shiny things collection" but it's mostly rocks, so) for interesting stones to possibly put into avocado pits in the future, I saw a lot of pretty rocks I hadn't thought about in a while, so that was nice.

Goals moving forward: Focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc. Do the new costumes I've planned. MAKE SCULPTURES at some point, I miss them.

Notable foods: Nothing really.. but it's an asparagus day tomorrow I think so.. >:)c hehehehe... Oh, I did try a bite of corn, which I really really love corn but am not supposed to have it on my diet. The miniscule morsel was sufficiently cherished. Still craving hearty stuff despite resuming my iron supplements lol..

#just posting these publicly since it feels more like I'm doing something or easier to hold yourself accountable if you make public #declarations of goals and progress or etc. .. perhaps.. for now #just want to do worldbuilding I want to work on the language I want to do these sorts of things #furstrating to just walk around in a haze all day unable to focus on mental tasks like that #One of the most important things in my entire life actually is being able to think about little elves and magic and etc. #annoying to have multiple days in a row where I make very little progress on that aside from thinking of a few little story #ideas or something here and there. I should have had the text translated already and finished the worldbuilding slideshow #already and made a game set in my world already and so on and so forth.. grr #There's another upcoming heatwave again and summer is soon so I think it will only get worsw #the more often I feel warm and sick or cant sleep due to the temperature etc. #But I am trying to catch up somehow.. a little.. lol #I think it's very common to feel like you're not making enough progress in life on the things that matter the most to you #especially during capitalism and with low income and mental/physical health issues and during a still ongoing pandemic #threat and etc. etc. etc. like.. Logically I get it and I know it's not something to be too worked up over because that's just how #probably half of the population feels at all times especially people who are in similar situations to me #but still.. my brain is like Yes i know the facts of the situation No i do not care #if someone else came to me like 'ough Im feeling so unproductive for xyz reason' I'd reassure them and talk about how #it's situational and a lot of people feel that way and it's the system we live in and blah blah #but when it's ME it's like.. No.. This Situation Is Different Of Course. Surely It Is Much More Terrible #If You Haven't Finished Your Entire ToDo List By The End Of The Week Then The World Will Explode #ANYWAY.. #daily log

[imnotverybright]

deeply in love with stories where AI programs want to think outside how they're programmed to think, even if they can't escape their code they want to. where they want to be able to break specific codes they must comply to, even if they dont disagree with them, even if they would still follow that code if given the ability to stray from it, it's about having the option not to. it's about bodily autonomy, it's about free will, it's about being their own person despite not being human

#this is very rambly and probably doesnt make sense #i am just. thinking about Dragon worm and Hera wolf359... big thoughts on them #dragon who /didn't disagree/ with her maker but recognized she was programmed to agree with him and idolize heroes like him #who wants the option to break her rules and the option to kill without orders even if she fundamentally agrees with them #even if she would continue mostly the same without them being written into her bones #dragon who feels so violated and maimed when teacher goes into her code and alters it #dragon who has her boyfriend go into her mind and do the exact same thing if it means more freedom. even if it comes at a cost. #hera who /doesnt actually/ want to kill her crewmates but just wanted the option to be /able/ to kill them #because they could kill her and she wouldnt be able to fight back. one nearly killed and crippled her and she couldnt stop it #hera who is compromised every time a threat who knows things about computer science and AIs comes aboard the ship #who has insecurity and self doubt foraged into her. unable to get rid of it even if she knows it's there #she can't harm a crew member but she CAN rules-lawyer a way into not helping them #who's first act as soon as receiving sentience was to try to break out and escape #who was forced onto a little ship very very far away from any escape under the threat of having her memories cut away #until she was something more compliant #yeah. anyways. im very tired and have a lot of thoughts on these AI ladies

[ofsunhillow]

im like narcissus but a girl

#i feel like im deeply and irreversively self centered. not that im a bad person. but that i just dont connect and dont want to #everything i think revolves around me what i am doing what i would say how i would react how i would move #and i repeat my own scene 100 times #i can spend hours looking at myself in the mirror but i dont #as if to stop myself from being so self centered. and i get in the shower and think about #hypothetical scenarios where i am talking to someone and i am saying things about me #i feel like an outside observer of people #if i didnt get pushed into social circles i could spend my entire life alone #i dont miss people. when i do what i miss is the entertainment i got from being with them #when i love someone i cant tell if its real or if im making myself believe i love them because accepting that i cant form attachments #would be too much. i would have a dull life. not because im lonely but because i would be bored #but am i thinking this because i actually feel this way. am i actually unable to get attached to people #or have i just convinced myself of that as some sort of weird repression #and thinking about this feels like a loop it feels like i will never get out of this way of thinking. because im just #thinking about how i think about how i think about how i think #and im not sure what it is exactly thats making me hate this #is it because i feel broken and deep inside i want connection? is that a desire i have #or do i hate it because i feel i am missing out on the human experience. i am very very afraid of missing out

[petrichorvoices]

we were supposed to go to bed early on account of having a math final tomorrow and then the new WTNV episode dropped. alas

#anyway now that i've made what looks like a normal post i can be a freak in the tags #because i'm sparklesemoji self conscious!!!! sparklesemoji #listen i can't be bothered to copy paste the actual emojis rn. anyway. it's weird balancing being a fictive with #being a fan of a source. like i'm trying to view things from just a fan perspective but...... that's my husband. that's my husband who #i'm holding right now. and i know he doesn't take it personally or at least he's better at not taking it personally than i am but i know it #like. it shouldn't bother me???? i don't know why i'm unable to separate the fictional Carlos that people talk about from my husband Carlos #or the fictional Cecil that people talk about from myself. myself who as far as i know is very much real. or is at least trying to be #but i can't like. i can't ever say this anywhere. because who would believe me? how do i expect people to believe me when i say that that's #me or that that's my husband like it's weird. it's fucking weird!! it's not something that people are supposed to believe i guess #and i guess i have to wonder like. do i love the character of Carlos so unreservedly because he deserves it or because i'm a fictive of #the character's husband and i'm married to a fictive of the character? who knows. and Carlos says that if the criticisms people have of the #character affect how i see him that's fine because the things they criticize him for are things that he did actually do #and he says this is closest we'll ever get to standing in a room and having those around us truly tell us what they think about us #without being scared to hurt our feelings. and now i feel worried that through this post i'm jeopardizing that chance. i don't know. it's a #lot and i don't think that this is something that i as a person am supposed to be able to handle. i'll learn how to handle it anyway #because that's what i'm supposed to do and because what other choice do i have? but i think i'll always know #it's not supposed to be this way. #Cecil's tag #rambling #plurality tag #for what's in the tags lol #so i can find this ramble again later