#but im actually very angry right now. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

despite-everything · 1 year

Text

im gonna rant a little

this fucking sucks because im actually very upset with my best friend and their partner. we're close friends and tend to agree on important things, so of course i assumed they were both still wearing masks indoors - specifically, at work, in class, and while in stores. i personally dont wear a mask at home or when visiting friends homes, or when at jiu jitsu (you like... cant wear a mask there. so yes it is an exposure risk but even with a mask, at that proximity its all but useless), and i figured they were in the same boat where i didnt see them wearing masks because we were always hanging out at our own apartments, outside, or in my private office at work (where its safe to remove cause im alone). but it turns out i was wrong about that.

my friends partner (we're friends? but she has been a bit erratic lately and i cant fucking predict her and so i dont even know where we stand anymore. it fucking sucks to have someone go hot-and-cold on you all the time, but i believe that she's fundamentally more mature than this behavior suggests and believe that she is working to do better, and since she's with my best friend, i'm more tolerant of that behavior than i would be with someone else) got sick and said she was sick yesterday, and i was thinking about how both of them have gotten ill a fair amount the past few months. despite masking, i also got sick twice, so i didnt think too much of it before. but yesterday i was like... wait. how the fuck are they getting sick so often if theyre wearing masks. and asked about it - turns out, they've really only been wearing masks in places like airplanes. yeah, they're both vaccinated and boosted, but what the fuck.

anyway, i just got a text saying they both feel sick now and i genuinely dont have any fucking sympathy at all right now. like... i dont want to be a dick but if you stop wearing masks and then suddenly start getting sick all the fucking time that just proves why masks are so important??? like what the fuck. and honestly i feel like i maybe misjudged them in a way? like i still care and we're still friends but i feel hurt and shocked that they would both just decide to stop masking everywhere and put people at such a risk and think so little of it that it never comes up in conversation.

and i want to talk to them about it but i really dont know how... like i said, my friends partner has been incredibly inconsistent and unpredictable in her behavior towards me and i cant imagine this conversation going well. i think for now im just not going to respond to the text and stop checking in for a couple days cause im pissed. usually, when they're sick, i check in daily and offer to go to the store/cook food/help out where i can, but i am not fucking willing to do it this time. this fucking sucks.

#ive texted them both a few times in the past day trying to be normal #but im actually very angry right now.#and im not immunocompromised... but other people are #and last time i got covid i had 103+ fevers and despite 5-6 cold showers a day i think i cooked my fucking brain #and now i have memory issues and a new difficulty when speaking or writing i never had before #and i got violently ill when i got my vaccine + boosters. i do NOT react well to this illness #and just the knowledge that the people i trusted the most didnt even think to tell me they werent masking anymore?#that hurts. its their right yeah but i would have changed my behavior around them sooner #and it just feels so selfish of them. the pandemic is still happening. i feel crazy being one of a few in my classes wearing a mask #like why did you all stop??? do you want people to die??????????????#im being a little dramatic but im upset for real #especially now that ive had a little time to think on it #tree talks

1 note · View note

soldier-poet-king · 8 months

Text

I will not argue about religion online I will not argue about religion online I will not argue about religion online🤡

#franposting #rae your response already sort of undercut ops intent #but also FUCK THAT POST FOR REAL #1) u are doctrinially incorrect. 1x a year minimum. recommended during pennintential seasons #get off my ass every week bullshit #that's not how it works mortal sin is NOT so common as that and this is how yall give ppl scruples and complexes #and religious trauma #also like. just fuck off in general if u have that kind of attitude #trads my nemesis (EXCEPT U RAE)#(she is very polite. she gets to stay :)#but anyway yeah now im so fuckin angry #everytime i think ive reached some sort of tentative peace with the church #or at least. a cease fire. a begruding tolerance of my coreligionists #i am forcibly reminded that so many of them suck #ALSO HISTORICALLY??? WEEKLY CONFESSION??? WTF ARE YALL ON. CRACK????#we went 2 millenia without it. get ur reactionary american trad bullshit out my face #if u are reading this and being like. oh fran i am going to argue with u and correct u. consider. dont.#dont do that. i will not change my mind on this. it is one of the few articles of faith i am definitely sure on #and im actually IN THE RIGHT this isnt even my heterodox pseudo heretic ass #this is literal doctrine yall are just brainrotted by usamerican catholic trad culture #tldr thank u rae for ur response but i must take my rage further and scream bc i hate that rhetoric sm

16 notes · View notes

hella1975 · 1 year

Note

can i say i love what you did with sokka like. so many hakoda adopts zuko fics just straight up ignore him or make his character all goofy but you rlly went into how he was feeling and it felt realistic. bc if i was him, i would be jealous of zuko too especially if i had it in my head that my dad abandoned me and then just picked up some other kid who I thought was better than me. he rlly was just a mess of emotions- did i know what he was gonna do ever?? no. couldn't tell whether he was gonna keep ignoring hakoda, cry, or just explode at him, and i think that unpredictableness rlly fits w him and the whole Teenage Boy Emotions he's got going on as well (bc im just saying he switched up from on zuko SO drastically like he went from hating him to crushing hard and if that just isn't teenage hormones and angst)

OMG THANK YOU FOR THIS I WANT TO KISS YOU like one of the few times ive had genuine rebuttal from taob by enough people that it's like A Thing (like literally only a handful but im a very insecure writer so it doesn't take much LMAO) is when hakoda sat sokka down and - god forbid - pointed out that the love he had for his actual son was different and incomparible to any love he might have grown for some stray FIRE NATION (<- feel like some people forgot the relevance that still has) kid. and like i had some people calling sokka 'annoying' or 'mean' or 'unfair' for his reactions but like?? im trying to write him as a real person here and i promise u most people in his scenario would've kicked off WAY more than he ever did lmao

#im very defensive of taob sokka he's my baby #AND taob hakoda actually like the 'zuko is an awkward turtleduck' nation are coming at me with spears at any given moment #also the comment at the end about sokka switching up the moment shit was resolved with zuko YES #like the way im writing taob zukka is that sokka - being the one most mentally uh... present of the two - is much more aware of shit #like he thought zuko was attractive in TBR and was SO quick to be like 'hey maybe we could be friends we work so well together!'#and when zuko threw that back in his face (as sokka saw it) it made him angry but he was even angrier BECAUSE hed liked zuko #so now that anger is gone we're just right back where we started except with the addition of sokka getting to know zuko #and observing him and realising he's actually a decent interesting guy #and zuko's over in the corner meanwhile being Tormented lmao. he'll get there eventually #but this is absolutely a 'sokka figures out he's crushing almost immediately and goes into crisis strategy mode #while zuko takes fucking FOREVER to realise until he's basically in love with the guy and it's right in front of him' kind of zukka fic #we love two pining idiots where only one realises that what he's feeling is pining <3 #ask #taob asks

52 notes · View notes

pepprs · 6 months

Text

ok so. today i am going to

fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3

ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3

check into a hotel by myself for the first time

walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today

give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes

#purrs #conference tag #chicago #im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o #if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been #other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel #less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt #like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself #if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely #anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared.#like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell #myself that i make it so.#trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED!#i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something.#obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen #to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie #i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have #been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha #i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before #like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i #genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still

17 notes · View notes

horny-ex-catholic · 2 years

Text

I fully acknowledge that men are capable of basic human decency and I choose to believe the majority of them are good people,

But then a man decides to follow and message me with no prior interaction and describe a fantasy in which he calls himself daddy and, when I tear his ass up and remind him I am a whole ass adult who never uses that title for anyone and feel nothing but boredom and irritation towards him now, just says "sorry. misread you."

Like???? MOTHERFUCKER YOU DO NOT MEASAGE ANYONE LIKE THAT. YOU FUCKING GET CONSENT FROM THEM. NOT TO MENTION THAT I. EXPLICIT AS HELL IN THE FACT I DONT WANT TO INTERACT WITH MEN. YOU DIDN'T "MISREAD" ME, YOU DIDNT READ ME AT ALL, YOU ILLITERATE SHRIVELLED DICK PIECE OF SHIT

#listen #i am a very patient and considerate person #i understand sometimes fucking up #but you dont get to claim misunderstanding when i am REAL FUCKING CLEAR ALL OVER MY BLOG THAT I DONT WANT TO INTERACT WITH MEN #IF YOU OPEN WITH THAT KINDA MESSAGE (Dont actually do that I'll block you) THEN AT LEAST DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH ON WHAT IM INTO #man obviously saw i have a mommy and breeding kink and thought that's good enough #im half tempted to post the message im so fuckin angry right now #my post

73 notes · View notes

widevibratobitch · 12 days

Text

omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee

#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time #and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again #have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind #ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her #that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right #to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel #that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week #and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes #'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like #i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying #a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again #because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it #i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao #oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour #pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA

6 notes · View notes

dandyshucks · 17 days

Text

need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭

I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO

#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl #i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads #but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice''#practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl #it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits #and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot #but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road #i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH.#he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit #and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ????#also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl #and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper #its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ???#ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town #and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times #MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL #im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord #IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING #i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think #so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly #during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone #but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us #so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl #AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM #driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl #after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad #but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl #dandy.cmd #vent //

2 notes · View notes

neonacidtrip · 10 months

Text

Does anyone else occasionally see a news update from someone and just turn into a feral animal over it? Asking for a friend

#its me im the friend #and by someone i usually mean an ex lol #i decided to check if they are still alive (they are!)#and its the pettiest thing. like the most petty thing ever #i get angry when an ex watches a new show before i do. hence another reason not check on them #this happened years ago with high school of the dead of all things #i ended up not watching high school of the dead until like a year ago because i was angry they beat me to it like 6 years ago #and yeah i finally watched it and it was so very terrible. kinda glad they got that one #back when i still spoke with them regularly (we still talk but its rare now) like 6 years ago #they mentioned that they were going to watch deadman wonderland so i stayed up long hours for like a day or two #and just binged the hell out of deadman wonderland so they would not beat me to it lol #deadman wonderland was also subpar. my ex does not have great taste in anime #but today i found out they watched two shows (one of which i finished a few months ago and one i havent started yet)#and unlike before these are actually good anime not subpar 6-year-old mainstream anime lol #no offense to people who like high school of the dead or deadman wonderland. they just werent for me #i actually found deadman wonderland somewhat fascinating but the anime fell flat. i plan to read the manga one day #i should also clarify that by feral animal i just mean im grumpy. im not going to say or do anything about it #i'll probably either watch the anime out of spite very soon or refuse to watch it for several years. we shall see #also in other news my ex unblocked me? yeah it the ex that blocked me randomly a few months ago and then undid it right after #it was all very strange. like i said we still talk. we havent fought. i never start conversations they always initiate them #except in special circumstances. i did reach out recently for work related reason because i had a problem that aligned with their job #i did not mention anything about the blocking and neither did they lol. i guess we are pretending it didnt happen #so i have had 3? exes block me only to unblock me a few weeks to months later? why is this a trend #why am i still awake at three am you ask? ANGER #thats half a joke. i am already over the anger with my ex beating me to the shows but i am angry for unrelated reasons #reasons that have to do with another person once again breaking our appointment after they promised we would talk today #they were a complete no show. im rather annoyed by it. but alas~ that is life #im tempted to delete this post because its really just venting but i find the wording of the post itself to be kinda funny so it can live #neo rambles #neo complains in the tags

3 notes · View notes

valleyyofthemoonnn · 1 year

Text

you ever love people and humanity and the inherent Good of it so much it aches and hurts your heart , because you never see it. its never really been there for you to see it. you’ve only ever experienced the bad of it, but you’re so in love with the idea, you want to breathe and be alive just for the chance to see it ? you ever just do that?

#rambles of a mad man #a quote i think about constantly is “you haven’t even met half the people who are going to love you yet”#and its just so ..#the world is bad and everything is falling apart right now. i’m in an abusive household with no way out and have been for a long time #ive had a habit of being in very toxic relationships with people #so its very easy for me to fall into the line of thinking that all people are inherently evil and want to hurt me and use me all the time #and i was stuck thinking that for a while #but then i met people who love me and showed it! and it was scary because Wow i didnt know people could. do that!#and ive gained a lot more love and appreciation through that. and its still very scary sometimes because im aware i dont really know #how to deal with it all #i dont know how to react to a lot of affection i receive #but its made me fall in love with the idea of people.. even if i am still afraid to meet new ones because my old line of thinking is still #in there somewhere unfortunately… but then i read stories of people experiencing random acts of kindness from strangers #or pictures of people in art museums or pictures of kids and their dads laughing together in public #and then i think oh… people are good actually ….#i daydream about dancing with friends in a kitchen or whatever #or walking through a city and going in shops and looking at all the little trinkets together #walking in a park when its late at night just talking and talking and talking.. talking until the sun rises #isnt that what being a person is all about? just being good with people?#ive been a very angry person for a very long time and i still am #but sometimes i’ll have nights like these where i just want to live .for people #and then i cry about it #sorry im having one of those nights im thinking a lot #thought id share. idk #congrats if you read this far hi :)

9 notes · View notes

snekdood · 1 year

Text

Ppl gotta understand that just bc you do x thing because you're mentally ill, doesnt mean your actions dont have the same effect if you weren't. Like if you've been manipulative to your friends, you cant get mad at them for not sympathizing entirely with you when you go on about how they dont accept you for your mentally ilness. Regardless of your reason, you were still manipualtive, you fucked with peoples trust. Theyre still gonna have trust issues about you even if its bc of whatever mental illness you have.

#im not saying its cool for them to abandon you but cmon. you have to consider sometimes other people and what they can handle #bc if you keep manipulating your friends or whatever theyre gonna get used to being manipulated and expect it from other people #whatever the case. people have limits. your friends have limits. im not saying theyre always justified. im not saying your friends are #never abliest. but they do have limits. and if you're yelling at them all the time about being perfect or whatever you cant exactly #be surprised when they dip out.#like for example. im a p aggressive and angry guy. clearly. if youve seen any of my posts.#ive always got something to rant about. and while im not quite as much like this irl its still a thing about me. im very very vocal about #whatever injustice i percieve happening to me or others lol. but i can understand why me being intense and angry and ready to throw hands #at the drop of a hat would make some people want to avoid me. i understand it makes some ppl feel scared and unsafe.#its not something i try to do. i dont try to make ppl i like feel unsafe. i try not to be that way around ppl w those kinds of issues #but im not gonna throw a fit and be like 'you guys are okay with bpd until i get really really angry and call you a cunt'#like... uh... yeah. i dont blame ppl like that for dropping me entirely if im getting angry all the time around them and it triggers them #and i dont seem to stop or be able to stop.#sure its not great. sure i dont want to be as aggressive and angry around anyone let alone ppl afraid of that sorta thing. but this is #the current state of my being. its something im working on. and i can understand why some ppl cant handle me right now as i am.#idk. just. shit like that man #another example. im hella hella HELLA bad at communicating via technology. unless you're in front of my face my mind just forgets we were #even talking sometimes. this naturally will cause issues. how am i gonna get upset at someone for being mad i stoped responding #in the middle of a conversation? sure i didnt mean it. this is purely unintentional. however that doesnt change the fact of my actions.#it doesnt change the fact that that person might feel unwanted. i can apologize day and night but until i actually try to be more attentive #of my phone this is just gonna keep happening yknow. how is it fair to get mad at other ppl for getting mad at you over that?

4 notes · View notes

faerociousbeast · 2 years

Note

what did make you a kimimaro fan? i'm curious

ok first off his fight >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

anyways. so we were watching it, and i didnt really think too much of him for a while, AND I DONT WANT TO SPOIL BC AGAIN literally one of the fights of all time, had the best characters involved, but he was randomly SO freaking polite in the middle of a DEATH match??

and i was like. Huh. ok thats actually so fucking funny. im kinda starting to like him. he didnt seem to really have the same... agression either, the other sound five did? like he was just fighting and calm and chill the whole time, whixh was also funny

and with the things he had said earlier, i started realizing- OK WAIT HANG ON this dude actually parallels haku to a SCARY DEGREE??? and for ONCE IN MY LIFE, the show actually LISTENED TO ME ABOUT CHARACTERS RHAT ARE SIMILAR except in the worst fucking wayyy fhejjfjejhhr 😭😭 THEY WERE SO CLOSE...... but yeah we got hit w the backstory beam and :(((

#im around/am his age when he first got introduced now so its just.....#its very jarring i guess?#like in the anime everyone seemed to assume that hes a lot older than he is which yeah makes sense he looked like that #but no hes been through so much and hes only like. 15.#SAME WITH THE OTHER SOUND FIVE ACTUALLY I DIDNT LIKE THEM AT *ALL* THE FIRST TIME THEY SHOWED UP #BUT THEY NEVER GOT DONE JUSTICE???? they kept on getting shown in SUCH a bad light #and while their fights were amazing and also really great for other character development #they were also around 15. these are teens around/exactly my age who have been forced to do things and are in such shitty situatiojs #and yet they didnt get the treatment say even kimimaro did? they were never displayed as sympathetic in any way #AND THEY DIDNT EVEN SEEM TO LIKE OROCHIMARU LIKE.#naruto the series has a horrible fucking habit of If youre nice youre in the right and redeemable no matter what!#if however you lash out and have any form of trauma response that results in you acting angry regardless of your experiences or young age #you SUCK and are HORRIBLE and HOW COULD YOU DO THAT you MONSTER curse of HATRED #like. DUDE!!! NO!!!!!!! tf???#they only get portrayed as ok once they Apologize or Pay for their sins #their sins of what. being traumatized as literal children and wanting something done about that. what the actual hell.#ESPECIALLY BC ITS THE SYSTEM THAT HARMED THEM IN MOST INSTANCES 😐 why shouldnt they be mad.#theyre right.

4 notes · View notes

galacticlamps · 2 years

Note

your posts about how /obviously a trap/ Waterfield's plan is made me think hey, what if he did that on purpose, not knowing how truly stuck Two would be without the TARDIS and hoping he might just walk away? and now your tags about Two potentially building warnings into the traps for Jamie and Kemel have me like. what if Evil is just one big nest of 'I'm being forced to do something to you but I'm trying so hard to subvert that as best I can but you don't realise it and think the worst of me'

ooh that's interesting! & definitely not something I thought of before! with Waterfield I was just looking at it from the perspective of him being under-prepared and unenthusiastic about playing the role of a schemer, and turning to tropes from fiction to craft his trap because that's easier than coming up with something totally original, especially under pressure

but this explanation would honestly make a lot of sense (I mean, in the novel, he literally does choose to let Ben & Polly walk away, and I can't imagine the Daleks presented it to him as 'hey, do what you want about these people, it's cool'). Plus, judging by some of the things he says in episodes 2 & 4, Waterfield really hated what he was doing in the '60s, and didn't even feel totally satisfied with it all being justified by the fact that they had his daughter - so, yeah, I definitely think it's possible he was kinda hoping his own plan would fail before dragging anyone else down with it.

On the Doctor's end I'm, like, fighting with myself - because I don't want to just read things into the script solely because I'd like to see them, of course, but also, Episode 4's camera script is particularly messy compared to the others, so I'm a little bit hesitant to base anything off of it alone.

But then on the other hand, what if the only reason that explanation never occurred to me before looking at the script is just because the episode’s missing? Plenty of surviving serials from the era make a point of linking up cuts between a plots & b plots with shots that juxtapose the two directly - you can even find some evidence for that style in this serial in the surviving episode 2, when we get a crossfade from the portrait to Victoria, or before that, when we cut from a live close up of the Doctor's face to the photograph Waterfield's about to use as bait for his trap - and the antique shop sequence is full of brief shots of Waterfield that have no dialogue, including some of him checking the device he has that shows him when doors have been opened, and can lock/unlock them remotely, to let Two, Jamie, and Perry in to find Kennedy’s body. I feel like if that episode had been a recon, those moments would probably have read as more of a general “Waterfield’s carrying out his plan simultaneously” and less of a direct cause-and-effect - so maybe if we still had the visuals, in real moving time to the soundtrack, that linkage in Episode 4 would've also been an obvious conclusion? And the fact that they scripted that line for Jamie & also that it got cut (possibly because it wasn't getting the point across clearly enough?) is a pretty compelling idea...

But also, even if there were no basis for it at all in anything 'canon' I would still argue it's not a bad interpretation of what's going on in the serial - that whole 'yes I'll be the one to do it, not because I want to, but maybe because I can do it more mercifully than anyone else' thing fits with both the Doctor & Waterfield's reluctance to work with the Daleks, even after they both know that Jamie & Victoria, and their respective homes are all at stake. And it's a serial already full of mind control and manipulation and henchmen/subordinates with varying degrees of commitment to their superiors, and competing loyalties among people who perceive themselves to be on the same side - all in all I think that'd fit right in, whether the writers were trying to imply it in that one scene or not

#sorry if this is a non answer #i think im still trying to convince myself one way or another without being majorly biased #but of course i am!#because if the doctor really did have some ability to protect jamie then i think his not mentioning it later when they argue is significant #almost an admission by omission - proof that he knows how serious what he did was & that trying to make the experiment safer #was literally the very least he could do #idk i just feel like that'd be a nice touch #bc we dont really see the doctor apologize #and i get that in the moment it's more important for him to explain to jamie the whole reasoning behind the experiment #(rather than just saying sorry i hurt you)#but i feel like if he's done more to help him than he admits to in that scene #then in a way it's saying he knows that doesn't absolve him? and that jamie's right to be angry #but he needs to understand what the experiment was all about & where they stand now that the doctor's not being forced to lie to him #and that's why he focuses on explaining all about the human factor instead of actually apologizing #idk this story will never feel like it has closure for the two of them without imagining an additional scene or two #but i still think two finding a way to undermine the daleks' traps for jamie would add an interesting context to their arc in this serial #so yeah i'd definitely like to read it that way

3 notes · View notes

milkweedman · 2 years

Text

Almost done with the second sock (started the cuff) and having to restrain myself from just going to see about the hap situation before the socks are even done. Also started thinking maybe i could mix some of my finer handspun in there just to make it softer (one of the colors is very soft, one is middling, and the rest are pretty rough). Of course at that point i might as well just call ot a shawl, and the effort of finding a well suited breed, overpaying for enough to make a hap with, and then dyeing it to get specific hap colors, would then be totally pointless. So im gonna restrain myself, but its making me think maybe i should knit some shawls. They're probably not something id wear much, and theyd have to be the thicker, somewhat clumsier looking type but *shrug* idk how else i would use up most of the yarn i spin

#i just always spin too small of amounts for most stuff #i guess because either im spinning for projects (in which case its usually a LOT) or im spinning to take a break from projects #in which case its just something experimental and colorful #idk where i was going with that #dislocated my hip spinning again today lads. also i think ive developed an allergy to these fucking bandages #i still have to wear one (of four previously) but literally the area where the adhesive was on yesterdays bandage #is bright red and has burned all day >:/ ive been using that type for a few days now and they were fine before this #and actually stuck to my skin ! almost nothing is sticking there anymore and my skin in that area is very angry #its not the worst thing on earth obviously but just very annoying #anyway so i took a very early edible to deal with my agonies and my brain is at about 10% efficiency right now id say

6 notes · View notes

i-deserve-to-bite · 28 days

Text

#i dont understand the point of anything right now #i like the textures my head hurts and i dont know how i feel #i think im bitter angry guilty and shameful #i think i just need something to devote to then ill feel better but lately its been very #ouchie #ive been awfully emotional #and very attentionsseeking i think?#i dont know. i judt know its awful #i wish i could dissapear from here but that leads to bad stuff and i really dont want them to take me #shudder awful awful #i wish i could remember #it's weird seeing old stuff we wrote #i wish i was dead because then i wouldn't be scared and i would be gone and safe i wouldn't need to feel all of this awful stuff #if i tried i might ruin everything and agh #i don't actually want to die as much as I've been thinking about it #I'm just not content with what's going on #either way i have to live #gah. I'm so tired of it all though.#my birthday is soon and I'm scared and i want this school year to be over already #i will never thrive in this school no matter how much effort i put in i have tried so hard but #I'm just so tired #i plan on taking the GED when possible #i don't think I'll win with anything and i feel i should give up #i am trying to drown out emotions with random things but i genuinely don't know how that's working and also #i want to scream #i don't know or understand anything

1 note · View note

talkorsomething · 2 months

Text

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

#sh tw #(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday)#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im cursed with being a bit too self aware so #i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things #(for legal reasons i cannot say)#and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard)#its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER #BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM #back to my point.#guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat #[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over]#[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG]#so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it.#could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that.#i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition'#really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else .#it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat ..#.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before.#......#i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me.#it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything #so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way.#anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend #so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice #i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row.#лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together #(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really)#(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently)#so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING

0 notes

tkbrokkoli · 6 months

Text

need to vent in the tags a little :(

0 notes