#but it was for nothing bc i got it wrong and i just used fucking symbolab to give me the answer lmaooo

[trentcrimminallybeautiful]

you know if we do accept the last epilogue-esque sequence as a sort of dream/wish of ted's and therefore not necessarily canon, very funny if we then simply go "yeah, trent's book is called 'the lasso way' actually. he didn't change that. nope."

#listen on one hand #i think that like #i don't think ted actually changed trent's mind about the title #i think trent changed it because ted asked him to #and like that's especially interesting bc he even made a point of being like #'tell me if you disagree with anything and i'll tell you why you're wrong' #but he respects ted; more than that he likes him and he wants him to like the book--like him #anyone else and trent would have told them to fuck off but ted? ted asking him to change the title? yeah #i think he didn't agree with 'it not being about him'--and not bc of any feelings he may have for ted--but if we accept that him changing #the title is canon then like. he did it because ted asked. nothing more nothing less #maybe he felt he owed it to ted as the subject of the book; maybe he just respected him too much not to #maybe it's partially bc of his feelings; maybe it's because he just couldn't say no to ted #but it's ultimately just. because ted asked him. #and trent respects him; trusts him; cares about him #and that's pretty heartwrenching #but like on the other hand if we say 'no that was ted's wishufl thinking trent definitely went 'sorry ted it's called the lasso way'' #also like.... him being like. like quietly not changing it and if ted said something him just. being like #ted. i respect you. i care about you. i trust you. but with all due respect absolutely not #yes it isn't ONLY about you but YOU made this happen. YOU are special and YOU have a place here whether you can stay forever or not #yes it's about the team and the coaches yes you aren't a one man band but ted. TED. you touched lives. you changed lives. and that was YOU. #that was you and your philosophy and your attitude. #you made richmond what it is today. yes the team deserve credit too for the kind of bond they have now but YOU facilitated that #none of the coaches currently here woudl be coaches if not for you. the diamond dogs wouldn't exist. literally every single one #of our friends--OUR friends--wouldn't be where they are and probably wouldn't be as happy #you got through to people over and over again who were hurting and lashing out. to rebecca. to roy. to jamie. to nate. to me. #and you can be humble but there's being humble and there's acting like you don't matter to any of us like you didn't have an impact #like you can just leave without a trace. we don't blame you for leaving--i especially don't--but acting like we won't miss you and like #your time with all of us--our time--meant nothing is more insulting than it is humble because we /love you/ #and yes. it was the goddamn lasso way that built this place #this community.

[thaliasthunder]

as an atheist that was even physically forced to hear unsolicited religious discourses of "how wrong i am", how "im gonna burn in hell" or "god hates/is dissapointed of me" from believers after saying im atheist, magnus being atheist without being antagonized or questioned for it is something so fucking personal to me

#not me opening up about my religious trauma #anyway jokes aside #i think magnus is really the first openly atheist character that is not antagonized for it #or in his 'spiritual path of becoming a believer' #he's just a silly guy that happens to be atheist #(bonus points bc this is a CHILDREN'S BOOK) #guys u dont understand the first time magnus said he was atheist in tsos my eyes literally got WATERY #like my city is not even that religious people just act stupid and intolerant when they see something that they're not used to #and trust me after years it gets fucking FRUSTRATING constantly having to hear believers telling me 'why i should believe' #like bitch leAVE ME ALONEEEE #it's not like i go around telling believers 'why the should not believe' bc i know that's nOT MY FUCKING BUSINESS #anyway every time magnus reminds the reader he's atheist it feels like a comfort hug to me #like him doing a pat pat on my head and saying 'u'r doing nothing wrong u silly girl' #😔 #atheist magnus i hold u close to my heart #magnus chase #mcga #alex fierro #samirah al abbas #fierrochase #pjo #hoo #percy jackson #rick riordan

[mokutone]

hi what do you think abt t4t kakayama (it's canon to me tbh)

:) hi ty for the question. i will do two sweet pictures of them being intimate and then under the cut there's going to be a longer very unsweet and more technical response

so i'm usually not a very shippy person! but that said i am also on the record as an occasional kakayama + kakayamagai enjoyer

i do hc them both as trans and in different ways w/ different experiences of transition and identity! i have no interest in proving my view as canon, but i do regard my reading of the text (text here including the anime) as a valid interpretation of yamato's experience of identity

yamato, for example, imo, doesnt have any real lived experience of being raised as a child of any gender. he was an experimental subject, and then he was Danzō's weapon/vessel for the mokuton, and then he was in anbu.

in a fun little word game which should not be taken seriously: it'd almost be more fitting to describe him as "adgender" rather than "transgender" since the prefix "trans" implies moving across where the prefix "cis" means to stand still, but the prefix "ad" means "to move towards" and i headcanon him as somebody who was degendered as a child, not in a cool nonbinary way, but instead in a dehumanizing, objectifying way, so his experience of creating his identity and his gender along with it is one of moving toward the concept of gender this word doesn't and wont exist, but bc of the way english works it would probably be simplified to be spelled precisely the same as "agender" in the same way that "aggression" came from latin "aggredi" which came from "ad" (meaning to/toward) and and latin "gradus" (meaning step) (essentially the combination means "to step to" [in a threatening manner]) the only diferences is where agender (meaning no gender) is pronounced ay-gender, the agender that comes from adgender would be prounounced more like "uhgender" in the same way that agressive isnt pronounced like "ay-gressive" but instead like "uhgressive"

and then...as for kakashi? i just decided on vibes. i didn't think hard about it.

i guess i should also say that, while i draw kakayama very infrequently, when i do draw it i usually try to be very apparent about the transness in the artwork if i can? especially if i'm drawing anything more intimate than a peck on the cheek. it's no secret that shipping is often times the most energized part of fandom, and i kind of don't want to produce romantic or sexual artwork which will be enjoyed by people who don't think trans people can be attractive? or who find that trans headcanons make a character uninteresting to them? or worse, "ruin" a depiction of a character to them?

often i think about in terms of. IF there are people that follow me that love my work (usually) and think that kakashi or yamato are hot (usually) and love kakayama (usually) but get frustrated or even uncomfortable out when i draw them as explicitly trans? then i'm drawing all intimate artwork of them as explicitly trans.

it's a little like...nobody gets to love my work if transgender characters are a turnoff for them. that's the bar for entry, is the way i think of it, but really its more like putting onions in a dish. if you want to eat the dish you have to eat the onions. if you don't want to eat the onions, don't eat the dish. all the meals i make contain onions. i'll never compromise on my intention to put onions in every dish i make. that's my ninja way, as the kids say.

especially in the climate we're in right now.

i don't know. i have a lot of feelings about how most fandoms tend to view trans men, especially in terms of romantic and sexual relationships. I'm doing a bad job of expressing the depth of how much seeing how fandom treats trans male identity and transmasculine bodies impacts the way that i draw + write kakayama, but genuinely it's something i think about every single time i create content about them.

#yamswers #danova #often even when there r trans characters/trans hcs of characters the m/m pairings are usually trans + cis #+ i wanna emphasize: there's nothing wrong with that. trans+cis relationships are as beautiful and valid as t4t #but...in fiction...there's like. expectations. of how a trans guy will act in a relationship with a cis guy #literally every transmasc person knows exactly what im fucking talking about lol #i'm trying to keep this conversation PG bc naruto is not an adult show—so. anyway #the presence of t4t depictions is basically essential in offering an alternative image of relationships + intimacy for trans individuals #a view of trans bodies which is not designed for the pleasure of cis consumption+assumption #a view of trans bodies not couched in an artist statement saying ''this is a trans body. this is how you interact with a body like it.'' #sometimes even stuff made by trans people will cater to explaining transness to cis people + thats fine and okay and— #—can be cathartic to create. esp as a trans person since so many of us are Surrounded by cis people irl #but. as a singular consumer. i get tired of that. i don't want it—at least not in the way that fandom frequently produces #i'm sorry this was probably an ask that expected a reply full of trans love and just got a bunch of technical stuff back #but to be fair this IS how i feel about t4t kakayama

[martyrbat]

so many of you talk about the cruel adults in your childhood that negatively effected you and caused lifelong insecurity yet you're still perfectly fine with being that mean stranger to any kid that has the misfortune of existing around you and thats just really gross !!!

#like i get kids can be overwhelming for a various amount of reasons but its not going to kill you to treat children with basic human decency #adults can be just as overwhelming or annoying—if not more. yet if you talked to an another adult the same way you do to a kid #then ppl would fucking hate you and not want to be around you because youre not being cool and witty—youre just mean!!! #everyone has experienced the frustration of being a kid being mistreated by an adult. some more than others #rather its ignoring your bodily autonomy (from sa and assault to hugging you when you don't want to be touched to not letting you #make your own harmless choices like a haircut or whatever). everyone has been talked down to or had their opinion treated like its nothing #or that their thoughts or input doesn't matter. everyone has a childhood experience with a mean or judgemental adult #yet over and over ppl are fine just repeating that cycle of abuse and hatred #like youre a young adult and youre still getting treated like shit by older ones. but youre able to have a drink or you graduated or smthn #so now you feel like you earned that right to be judgemental & angry & mean to a group of people that didnt fucking do anything to you #anyways. this is because im sick and had to go to the store to get groceries and meds #so its a 20 minute walk to the nearest store in 108 degrees bc i dont have gas money and then in the store im ofc using a face mask #like im sweaty and feel disgusting and like shit but this kid was SO fucking excited about his spiderman toy and wanted to talk and #his mom said ‘i told you no one wants to hear about that crap leave her alone’ and like?? no fuck off let a kid be happy?? hes not fucking #doing anything wrong?? so we talked and he showed me the little tiy that lights up and asked if i saw the new spiderverse movie #and i told him i havent! so he asked why so i explained i have photosensitivity and what that means and why i cant see it #(‘even though i heard its super cool!’) and HE WAS SO SWEET... like immediately hid the toy because oh! flashing lights can hurt me! #and then immediately said dont worry because he'll tell me about it so its like i saw it instead! #and like. guys imma be honest with you. i stilm got no fucking idea what this movie's plot is. #but you bet your fucking ass i was pretending like i was following along & was going ‘no way!’ ‘so it's a parallel universe...?’ ‘oh wow!’ #like yea its unnecessary. i felt oike i was gonna collapse and im still struggling to breathe at home now. but also i been the kid #who just wanted to talk about my interests and no one wanted to or was dismissing it. #i know it's not a end of the world deal but i also know that crushing feeling. you gotta be the kindness you want to see in the world yknow #anyways. be nice to kids or im not going to be nice to you. they're one of the most vulnerable members of our society and deserves kindness

[strangerhands]

mmmmm heyyy👁️. ive basically been gone from tumblr for over two days because ive been feeling like a shitty piece of shit. BUT. i finally saw dune part 2 and ohmygoddddd it was so so good. but yes. i was missing leto so bad the entire time. Father come back pls. i need you.

#it was so good tho #like so cool i was internally freaking out about how cool things looked #the fight scenes🤌 #the environments/settings🤌 #all of the fuckin machinery🤌 #the acting🤌 #the everything🤌 #yum #also i dont find austin butler attractive but funnily enough feyd was the only time ive found him hot😭 yes i have issues. but like. okayyy.. #i watched it alone and i wish doing things alone wasnt seen as such a weird or sad thing like. theres nothing wrong with it #sorta vent-> #but basically ive been feeling like an annoying piece of shit so ive been staying off of here for the most part #because ive been convincing myself no one likes me and everyone in my life would be better off without me😝😝 #just tee bee ehch #and idk i was just feeling like ass and was doing nothing and when i finally would go to use tumblr i was already too tired to do shit #so i just went to sleep #and i was busy today #yesterday* #and ill probably be a bit busy today too but idk maybe hopefully ill catch up a bit #idk ya boys just been hating himself like usual but not as usual bc it was worse but it is what it is #i felt a bit better yesterday though #and also my new antidepressants ive been on havent been doing shit for me so im going back to a previous one i used to be on so yea #hopefully that helps soonish idk #i never vent on here so i feel kinda bad for doing so but i just wanted to puke my thoughts here #also since im already here complaining ive just like. not written at allllllll basically like i got into my head and made myself discouraged #so. that sucks. but also nothing out of the ordinary there #why does Everything i say sound so embarrassingly depressing and pathetic hhhhhhhgggggggggggggghhhghghg #anyways yea i was doing bad im still not doing good but hopefully will be a bit better so ill be back and caught up later today or tomorrow #idk if anyone gave a fuck or noticed but i just like complaining into the void so yea #talkin shit

[hella1975]

just full force threw a shoe at my sister's face and when my mum got me alone after she was like 'you shouldn't clobber her. but i get it' 😭

#it kicked off today but in my defence she's actually proper in the wrong this time even my DAD called her a bitch and my mum is FUMING #baso my sister came into my work with her mate when i was closing the other day and all the staff GLARED at them bc of aforementioned #close so i was being v chill so everyone 1) knew it was my sister and not some customer coming in late and 2) her friend wouldnt be uncomfy #like that's the real kicker her i was being extra laid back FOR her friend so he'd feel more at ease. and one thing about me is yes ive #said countless times i have a rural accent but my mum also raised me to know when and how to speak nice if need be bc people are cunts here #so when im waitressing i speak nicely bc it's a stuck up restaurant w stuck up customers but when im with my sister? making a point of #being laid back? my normal accent came through. and her mate when i was gone said i sounded 'really [from the county we live in]' #which WOULD NOT BE A COMPLIMENT. it's baso saying 'your sister sounds local and chavy' without using such explosive words #and my sister LET HIM SAY IT. SHE DIDNT DEFEND ME. and she told my mum about it later bc SHE THOUGHT SHE'D TELL ME OFF #LIKE SHE DID IT TO SNITCH. THERE WAS NO SCENARIO WHERE MY SISTER WASNT BEING A CUNT. and my mum hit the ROOF #one thing she's rlly been big on is loyalty bc it's always been the 3 of us so when she found out my sister let him say that she FLIPPED #and this all happened last night and i only found out this morning bc i overheard them screaming at each other and turns out my mum #tried to keep it from me bc she didnt want my feelings hurt and IM pissed bc it actually did hurt more than i thought it would #like i KNOW what people say about my accent but it's a guy i know? my sister's been friends w him for years? i was being nice? #it's EMBARRASSING like i was clueless & friendly and turned around for him to be like 'look at this stupid local girl' like?? #and my sister did NOTHING? it just sucks so i STORMED upstairs when i found out and had it out with my sister #and she knew she was fucked so she did all 'im not talking to you i have nothing to say' AND PUT HER EARPHONES IN? #the way i RIPPED them out. got in her face like okay girl u think i sound like a chav ill act like a chav lets GO #and it just got really aggressive and i wound up grabbing HER OWN SANDAL and full force hurling it at her face 😭 oops #from close range too like i was already in her face so i basically just smacked her with a sandal DSHGJKSH #now we're sat in silence bc alas we still share a room. WHAT the fuck. insane tbh but it's a bit funny. im so angry rn i could KILL #hella goes home

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃 #so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters #which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent #allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing #my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing #bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing #and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and #dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely #destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea #lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to #have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im #just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives #i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control #unrelated #i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods #mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio #i meant rip lol

[piplupod]

i think what upsets me most, besides the fact that this means no more accordion unless i somehow miraculously get it fixed, is that despite my best efforts to be careful and not mess up, i still managed to make a mistake and fuck it up. despite understanding and appreciating how expensive and valuable and fragile this instrument is, despite my best efforts to keep it safe and in good condition, i still managed to mess up and damage it.

like ... I just mess up. I have something nice, something of value, and I cannot seem to keep it safe and taken care of. things end up ruined. shirts get holes, dresses get stains, electronics get battery acid leaking or cracked, dishes get broken, book pages get torn or bent, trinkets get chipped, instruments are bonked and rattled. i am so terrified of handling anything that things most often just stay sitting in lidded bins so they are safe from carpet beetles and dust and dirt and food and me.

i just feel awful, i dont understand why I can't just keep things safe and in good condition ?? why is this so impossible for me, especially when i care so much ??

#i think this is partially why i dont allow myself any good art supplies #I got a set of charcoals several years ago and I've barely touched them bc im terrified of fucking them up #but if i get smth from the dollar store? that stuff is getting used immediately #bc its cheap and its not very good quality #im not afraid of using things up. im afraid of ruining them #im such a careful person too but i just. always end up fucking up some time #idk what is wrong w me #this sounds so melodramatic but god im tired #i still feel sick that my nice shirt from the 70s got a tiny hole burned into it bc of fire sparks that i didnt know were around #like i just. cannot have nice things idk. i have the absolute worst luck it seems like. or maybe i just am not careful enough #idk how to be any more careful though honestly fhfkdl #like i either keep things stored away safely sealed up or i am exceedingly careful in handling them #and do everything i can think of and find out to make sure nothing happens #and yet ! #i just feel like a massive idiot for this idk fhfmkl silly me to think i could be trusted w this instrument #there are some websites and videos teaching ppl how to fix accordions but... its complex #but i either attempt a fix myself or never play it again bc getting a professional is too expensive #so ... i guess I'll have to take the dive and tinker w it if i want even a chance at playing again #im just terrified I'll break it even further #also i dont think i have access to everything I'll need for fixing it depending on whats gone wrong #so idk if it'll even be possible even if its doable like. i need Tools and leather and felt #i have spare leather scraps but no felt :| #and no special pliers fjfkdl #argh argh im so upset w myself for this #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[mishkakagehishka]

i think it would be saur funny if Yuu suddenly got to telling people "well, actually, uhhhhhhh the great seven were villains" i think it would be so funny can we get a season 2 that is entirely just dealing with the fallout, i wanna see total anarchy i wanna see "what else were we lied to about" i wanna see the absolute existential dread

#i thiiiink i said this once before but i do get the feel that the moral rules of twisted wonderland are very much Different #like i gen can't remember it anymore but i distinctly remember my feelings #and reading lines of dialogue where i got to thinking ''okay that's a bit fucked up let's see the others call it out and go 'dude what's #wrong with you' about it'' but then the others agree #and every time i'd just be so. shocked #but i vibe with it!! bc you know there's the idea of morality being tied with culture and i like the idea of twisted wonderland just having #a different culture and seeing them live with morals that are ''normal'' to them bc they know no other normal #idk it's fascinating to me #but then i did get like. not attacked but told off?? lol for saying smth similar #ab how all these NRC charas are very villainous to me even if they don't seem on the surface #yknow got told that ''they're hs boys'' yadda yadda but like #they're not hs boys from our world... so i think i got scolded over nothing #i believe. it's my headcanon if you will #that they're all fucked up to us. but ''normal'' in the views of their own world #that's what i'll believe <3 #twst liveblog

[mynameisbillandimaheadcase]

.

#my grandpa is going to fucking kill himself #he is lucky he didn't die #apparently he got into a car accident didn't go to the doctor and spent a month in bed #and then didn't let my grandma tell anything to anyone #she is just as bad ahe just keeps everyone in the dark about everything #her apparently going through chemo ect #she probably had some part in her mother's death #bc she injured badly her leg at 92 fucking years old and she kept her from getting help #to tje point of not being able to get stitches and eventually die bc of some other complications that this took part in #not to mention that she didn't tell her that her favorite son fucking died #my f*ther has some bad memory issues and refuses to get it checked #if i get this old I'm just killing myself it's not worth it #nit for me or my loved ones #i won't let myself get this bad #don't get me wrong i used to look up to my grandpa #but going of the rode bc a fucking truck was generating too much dust #he also refuses to talk to my dad for some reason #i won't let myself get this fucking bad #if i manage to reach 60 i will make sure to not reach more than that #my bloodline is fucking curse and it's all genetic nothing i can do will change it

[awek-s]

sorry but the way a single interaction w my mom ruined any kind of progress I made this week is insane

#I started taking my meds again for one #she walked in the kitchen after work today and immediately proceeded to tell me I did everything wrong and basically made me feel so fucking #stupid. all I’m doing is tryna do something nice and cute for this stupid holiday bc everything else in my life is falling apart #but I should be used to it I mean just a few weeks ago she essentially admitted she thinks I’m doing nothing with my life #even though she uses me for photo ops and as a way to get attention from her coworkers and friends #bc she LOVES to brag about me she adores it even #but behind closed doors it’s ‘how can I put alex down today?’ #misgenders fatshames tells me I’m lazy despite having almost 3 degrees doesn’t take any of my medical issues seriously #even tho she’s the reason I went so late before I got diagnosed (she doesn’t want a sick kid! how Tragic for her) #I’m TIRED like I’m tired of not being able to do anything right ??? and like I’m sorry I know there’s more important things going on in the #world right now but my irl stuff was such a non issue for real alongside it and now it’s like #all of the ideation is back I feel like. yeah what is the point in doing anything I don’t do anything right anyway #sorry I’m just. venting #mrow.org

[beepmon]

i’m panicking about my health, my car, school, my future, my relationships with ppl, about my entire life rn p much

#bumbles (bee mumbles) #as much as i hated my dad i did feel a certain amount of security when i could rely on him for the few things i could #he was like a car necromancer #it would function but just kinda barely zombie like vers #and now that he’s passed almost all at once all the cars and things he’s fixed up are breaking #like he infused his soul into them and they no longer has his ecto goop to hold it together #i’ve been ignoring my health problems bc i really hate going to the dr #idk maybe it’s bc i’m fat but they always dismiss my problems and i really am not mentally strong enough to advocate for myself #i tell them i’m in pain and something is wrong and they do maybe two tests and say we can’t find anything bye #and so i just feel like an idiot for going #bc obviously i’m just making a big deal out of nothing #i don’t want to be doing school this semester after last semester i ended up in urgent care twice bc my stress got to my body so hard #i’m taking less classes/more classes i’m actually interested in #but i feel like i’m gonna fall apart horribly again and i just transferred and feel so aimless #but i also feel extremely obligated to go bc that was the last thing my dad wanted from me before he passed #i feel so fucking stupid his death has effected me so bad he was an abusive monster #i feel so disconnected from my sisters that i was super close with #i fee like i’m talking to a wall of past interactions and neither of us can see who we currently are #i feel like i can’t connect to the ppl around me #i’ve been disassociating too often i accidentally keep checking out which is pissing ppl off #i’m so tired and fatigued and depressed that ppl can’t really rely on my and i fee useless and like a drain #plus i just feel so scared all the time recently like all the worst case scenarios are plaguing me #like scared my car is going to explode or my cat is going to have a heart attack or ppl died while traveling or some freak accident

[euelios]

there are very specific people in my irl life who can say the most innocuous things on earth and still make me steaming mad

#ooough we love venting #especially tag venting #auden.txt #it’s my blog and i’ll cry if i want to #these tags are not a place of honour— #i got told off for making tea too late at night #and it turned into a spiral about how much worse i’ve been doing since i started my job #and like. man. i. i resolve not to trust what i think about my life past 9pm bc it is not good up here rn #a toddler’s Big Feelings in a 20 something body. i never outgrew the me who thought i could compel ppl into liking me by dint of being #so good and perfect that they had no choice #but now the more i do. work and study and hobbies and and and #the more is expected? and i’m just not learning to keep up #i miss my fucking mom i wish we got along like we used to when i was little but i’m just an asshole now and i hate being told what to do #i wish i didn’t need so much fixing. #there’s not even anything wrong just a creeping sense of dread. like heading jaws music in a sunny meadow #i wish people wouldn’t bring up my mental health to imply i’m crazy #i wish it didn’t scare me to seriously consider it #although i did once tell a friend that i felt like. there would be nothing to write in my obituary? bc i had lived such a disconnected life #like some fuck who died far away from home #jesus. i’m going insane. it’s fucking bedtime it’s been bedtime for ages. #things will be better when it’s light out

[bibleofficial]

absolutely exhausted i’ve done sooo much today 😭😭 dealt w the shoes, went through old papers & binders, cleaned out boxes under my bed & in the closet, & i just finished watering plants. i ALSO got those mormon shirts today & the box ? WENT THROUGH IT - but the shirts are G O R G. like i’m truly a medium/small & thought the large would end up being too big but it fits PERFECTLY like it’s a HAIR smaller than the vintage guess shirt that has an immaculate fit - MONEY WILL SPENT !!!

#stream #until the white becomes a stain then i will want to throw myself into traffic #BUT it’s FINE i bought 2 & i love them so much alrwady like they are EXACTLY what i’ve been HUNTING FOR like the ‘white linen shirt sleeve #button down that can be worn with a blazer or not it doesn’t matter + dressed up OR down AND used as a coat or light jacket #like y’all i’m going to have these shirts f o r e v e r #but they were fucking 50$ each from organic basics 😭😭😭 #i mean on sale ALSKALSKLAKSALKSLA #otherwise i would NOT have bought good lord what am i made of money #but also now if anything goes wrong i can decomstruct it find the exact measurements then just have it remade at a tailor or MYSELF WHEN I #LEARN HOW TO SEW #but still #they won’t go wrong #nothing bad will happen inthrm #i’ve got the white clothing curse #so now i’ve to do laundry >:( & then put my bedding on properly but i’ve to rewash my sheets again bc there’s chocolate on them ALAKALKSLAKS

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ya kno those days where its like. nothings wrong but if anything changes unexpectedly i will lose #my fucking mind. the threads holding me back from having a total freakout meltdown are old and frayed #my brain needs to shut thr fuck up is what im saying #ive got thr hysteria wah >:-[ #i swear to christ. if i have to fucking drive to the other uni tomorrow #me via emails should i pick things up tomorrow? should i dedicate my fucking weekend to making sure things work right and then roll that #straight into 2weeks of watering schedule hell? is that i thing i should do? #i mean at least there wouldnt b ppl there bc spring break but ay the bitterness. im full of black bile #i hate it here. and i cant stop #im being so dramatic. jesus christ. i fucked up my timesheet from like a month ago and have to fill out a sheet to fix it. it just makes #me want to lay on the floor and wail like a toddler. its fucking hard enough to get my brain to fill out my timesheets. and i just streight #up dont fill out reimbursement sheets bc idk money stuff is so upsetting for me to think abt i would rather just take the loss #just so i dont have to think abt it. how much money have i lost in that way? best not to think abt it #my fucking time sheets r a lie anyway. i used to do like 10hr days 6days a week while a part time employee after i got my masters #bc it took them like 6months to hire me and itd like wtf else am i gonna do with my time #and that is how u build resentment. no one makes me do these things. its just how it has to be according to the fucking annoying rules in #my brain. terrible and irrational and annoying. i just wanna leave #and i do have to fucking drive tomorrow. cool cool cool #and i have to wait for my boss to approve comments so i can submit this paper and idk how long yhstll take or when itll happen #bc she was doing field work until apparently 9pm yesterday idk whats happening but im supposed to meet with her tomorrow #but i dont wanna. like whats the point. i can find things to do and meeting just makes me feel bad bc im just tired and sick of this #and shes so nice and enthusiastic and i just cant match thst energy anymore. she texted me last week at like 8pm to ask how i was #and i was like ??? what do u want from me? what did i fuck up that made it obvious im not ok? #and she said she was just interested in how i was so i was like ok im fine. no elaborate bc like what do u want from me? i dont understand #but idk shes got a lot to deal with bc she moved schools this semester so her life is probably infinitly more stressful than mine rn #im just laying in a field of burnout and i wanna leave but i have to wait at least 4-5 months #whatever i need to get a bunch of materials together for an undergrad bc i said id give her advice abt reaching out for a masters #bleh im tired and sad. its probably in part hormones bc my body hates me rip #whatever. itll b fine. one more project to check off the list #unrelated

[zenyuumi]

I hate it here

#vent tag #i just want to have PRIVACY #i just took a bath and got all excited bc ''yay no ones in the bedroom rn and that means i can dress in peace ^_^'' #boy was i fucking wrong . the second i stepped into my room my grandma followed after me because she wanted to use the charger??? #the charger that we had in OUR room???? #this bitch does not give 2 shits about our privacy. she will come in like its nothing WHILE IM CHANGING #i tell her im uncomfortable and she just tells me im being too sensitive like?? is it sensitive to NOT WANT PEOPLE TO SEE YOU WITHOUT #CLOTHES ON??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME #I DO NOT CARE IF WE ARE FAMILY YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY OWN HOME #PLEASE JUST LEAVE W THE CHARGER IF ITS WHAT YOU WANT #i was so happy abt being alone too bc it barely ever happens that i get to dress up in peace #even if i lock the door... they'll just either force it open with a key or bang on the door till i respond #i dont want to live w these people anymore man. #im getting my own room soon but i can alr imagine them doing the same thing anyway #please just leave me alone im not 8 anymore PLEASE #AND STOP USING THE ARGUMENT THAT YOU USED TO BATHE ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG!!! Im not a toddler anymore #and i get uncomfortable now #+ the fact that my grandma often comments on how chubby i am #i cant trust her anymore #im sorry if it seems like im whining like a child abt this im just in a bad mood rn :( it'll be fixed in a bit