#churned this out in a day... didnt realise how much I needed it

[bloodycassian]

COLD NIGHTS - Cassian x Azriel x Reader - Prompt: 

hi i love your work so much!!! I was thinking a cassian x azriel x reader (i just love them sm, why have one when you can have two ) where the reader is sister of a high lord maybe day or winter court, and reader goes missing (kinda angsty) and her brother (a high lord) panics and goes to the night court for help (bc if her two bat boys can’t find her who will)  and az and cassian go full on panic mode and search for the reader, i was also thinking a fluffy cute ending where reader is just cuddling with azriel and cassian while her wounds heal take as much time as you need to write this, don’t pressure yourself. Take care lovely

Kallis would never forget the screams. The terror and panic that rushed through him when he realised that you were gone.  He sent half the city to search for you. He called upon Helion to inspect the magic. He was frantic in finding you. But it was like you had just disappeared out of nowhere. No sign of struggle, not a drop of blood spilled. The offender was sloppy in their ways, but their magic was strong. Helion could sense it.  They had a deathwish from Kallis himself if he ever found them. +  The first thing you saw were your cracked and bloody hands. They were split open from the dry cold wind. Sea air drifted into the cave. The cold brutal howling outside mixed with the roar of waves breaking confirmed your nightmares. Cape Tragedy. 

The islands off the coast of winter were known for their unforgiving nature to ships. Hence their name, Cape Tragedy. Also known as the Tragic coast, no stories were ever heard of any survivors of those crashes. If they had managed to survive the churning water, then the false salvation of the islands would kill them. It happened often enough that there were lighthouses set atop many of the bigger islands for ships to avoid on stormy days.

You coughed from the dry air, earning a pair of yellow eyes to dart to you. One of the three lesser fae males noticed you were awake and clapped. "She wakes! We've been waiting for you, sweetheart." His green skin was pale in the overcast light streaming in from the mouth of the cave. Snow Bear pelts lay all around. A disgrace in your culture. No citizen of Winter court would do such a thing. You looked to the walls to find weapons, and strange markings along the stone. Sailors from far away lands. 

Not even sailors. Pirates. A chill ran through you.  

"We're going to get your weight in gold, pretty one." The scaled male curled a piece of your hair behind you ear. Your stomach turned, and you tried to scoot away. "My brother will kill you first. And he'll take a long time doing it." You promised, trying to make your voice sound strong. Terror had you by it's grip though, and it was hard to do anything other than panic

. "Your brother? The pretty one that shears the Elk?" The green one asked. You laughed, and then were hissing in pain when the scaled male yanked on your hair. "What's so funny?" 

"You think my brother is an elk herder?" You spat "You must be dumber than you look." The males glanced between each other, then to the one who hadn't said anything yet.

"Who ye think you are then?" The male holding your hair stammered, trying to keep his panic under wraps. 

"Kallis' sister." You said with deadly calm. "And the high lord does not negotiate." 

"If you're so noble why you got such a mouth on ye?" The third male finally spoke.

They laughed.

"Maybe we will see just how much of a mouth-" He started again. He didnt have a chance to finish his disgusting words. You kicked, bending an ice spear straight up from the rocky ice floor and through the third male's body. Then the beating from the other two came. 

They bound your wrists and ankles in rope and tar. Their hands shook when they did it. It gave you a small bit of satisfaction. The potion they gave you to knock you out was just barely strong enough. You fought it as best you could, but it won. You could only hear the faint sounds of arguing then a crash of glass, then the cold winds whipping around you. And when you woke, your body ached.  The cold bit into your limbs. Your fingers were pale. Far too pale to be healthy. You knew frostbite when you saw it. Your body refused to move under your own power. Your blood was frozen to the icy ground. They had used a potion and transported you to a peninsula, and you could only faintly hear the ocean below. You could feel the potion wearing off, but you knew you weren't healing. Not yet. You reached down into your own mind, picking up the fading tendrils of power. Of your bond to the two you knew could save you. And you pulled as hard as you could manage.  --- "Fuck." The roaring thought shook Cassian awake. Bleary eyed, he glanced about the room as if there was someone actually shouting at him.  Then he felt it. The weak tug that had been silent for so long. And he knew it was nothing good. Frenzied, he met Azriel at the dining area. Where they spent the rest of the night planning, deducing a probable reason for you to be calling so weakly. They sent their worries to Rhys, but they were shooed away. "I'm researching. Meet me in the library at dawn." The two males tried to comfort each other. But the worry pulsating through the bond was too much to focus on. So they waited. Kallis appeared that morning. He spat his story and begged for help, practically in tears as he spoke to the three Illyrians. Cassian and Az knew something was wrong the moment you were attacked. Court laws forbade them interfering on Winter Court territory though.  As soon as the approval was given, the brothers winnowed to the border of Winter and started flying. + You were coming to terms that you would die in the cold. You had imagined death differently. Battle was the primary way you thought you'd die. Or at the end of a High Lord's magic for being too much of an advisor. Smiling at the memory of putting Tamlin in his place, you gave another tug down the bonds to your mates. And like a snap, they both tugged back. Almost in unison. It was hard to tell. You closed your eyes, listening to the soft waves below. They lulled you into a cold sleep yet again.  + Despite the cold, the Illyrians flew as fast as they could. They could sense your light fading, and chased it for mile after mile. Their wings cut through the harsh winter winds, fueled by rage and desperation. Then they spotted the dark figure frozen to the snow below. Cassian landed first, a few feet away. The ice cracked beneath him. "Get us out of here." He growled to Azriel.  "We need to make sure she's okay before we move."  Cassian growled, but didn't protest. Azriel understood. He felt the anguish and frustration through the shared bond. Az's hands pressed gently to your neck, checking your pulse. He swore. "Baby, we need you to wake up for us. We're here. We got you." Cassian put a hand to your cheek and fought back the tears that threatened.  You groaned in response. They both sighed in relief, their breath making clouds in front of them. "I'm stuck..." You managed through your stiff jaw.  Cassian stroked a thumb over your cheek. "Stuck? Honey you're-"  "Cas..." Azriel nodded to your side, to the ice that crept its way up your damp clothes. Azriel could have taken a very very long time torturing the beasts that did this to his mate. The rage coiled in his gut at the sight of your injuries. The only reason you hadn't bled out was the blood and water mix turning your wounds to ice.  Cassian pulled at the ice web that encapsulated you. Under the heat of his rage it broke, and broke and broke. Azriel placed small patches of his shield over your frostbitten fingers. "We're gonna get you out of here. Just stay still." Azriel smoothed back your hair, and darkness swirled over you. The change from the harsh overcast light of Winter court to the soft sun of Night court was jarring.  Madja put her hands on you and you were asleep in an instant. Her warm hands were a blessing from the Mother.  +  "She's lucky she has that Winter blood in her or she'd be dead." Madja wiped her hands off and handed both the Illyrians a small vial. "That is the scrap from a poisoned sword that broke off in her shoulder. I got all the pieces out, but the poison lingers. It may heal slowly, but it should get better."  Anguish burned both of their stomachs. Azriel's throat tightened and he looked away, but gripped the vial tightly. Cassian stared at it, his eyes murderous. Madja left without another word. "She was almost killed. And we couldn't do anything." Cassians' voice was low, with violence dripping from it. "We need her here. In Velaris where we can... watch her." He didn't know what he was saying, but the instinct to protect was overriding every other logical thought he had. Anger burned and burned in his stomach, swallowing him with rage. He could feel Az mirroring the same feeling, but with a cold deadliness that begged to simmer out of him.  "You know she wont go for that. She loves her home too much. Her brother." Azriel whispered back. "We're her mates. She should be with us." Cassian was looking for a fight. All the tension and anger of the day had to be worked out. Azriel felt it too. His shadows ran anxiously through the room.

The wind outside howled. It shifted the dark clouds that covered the moon. It seemed to be a cold day in all of Prythian. A cold day in your mates hearts to the pirates that had taken you. They spoke their rage mind to mind, imagining the ways to torture the bastards. 

How to find them would be the first priority. Azriel kept circling back to that part. + The healer cleared his throat at the door. "She's asking for you." He nodded to Rhys' brothers. They left Rhys behind in unison, walking in perfect step with each other. Their minds hummed together over that bond they shared with you. "Protect protect protect." They both seemed to demand.  Azriel knocked softly, his heart flipping when he heard your voice again. "Get in here." You demanded, giving them a broad smile when they practically shoved each other out of the way. 

"Come keep me warm." You weakly folded the blanket back, exposing some of the bruising on your skin. 

They complied with enthusiasm. Azriel's hands were cold at first, but they got better when he reached around you to hold Cassian closer. They worked in tandem to keep you covered, making sure that you weren't too crowded or too warm. Azriel summoned his cool shadows when you got too warm and had to kick the blankets off. Cassian's warm breath would keep you warm when they became too much. You traced Azriel's cheekbones, the sharp edge of his jaw while falling alseep. Cassian's muscled forearms hugging you from behind were like a heavy pillow. 

"Rest now, we can have more fun later." Az winked, making your stomach flutter. Cassian groaned and pulled you further to his lap. You tried not to think of the hardness that pressed to you now.  "Goodnight." The shadowsinger kissed your forehead and like a light, you were out. Finally resting peacefully wrapped between your two mates and their warm bond you all shared. 

#acotar fic #azriel x reader #cassian x reader

[annasinsane]

Wounds- Lee Jung Moon (Park Hae Jin)

“Does it hurt?” you mumbled softly, tracing the protruding skin that stood out on an otherwise smooth expense.

“Not anymore.” Jungmoons own voice held a rare gentleness that made you feel like you were the most precious person in his life.

You held back the bitterness that threatened to tighten your throat and grapple your heart. How could you even consider that when the negation was right infront of your eyes. In the scarring he took all to willingly for his ex, or what you thought-hoped was his ex.

Still, he let you get this close, see him in his vulnerability and touch him in a way that few had, that you were sure about atleast, so it meant he saw you more than just some girl he had to work with right? Maybe a friend?

“You should be more careful” you chided lightly. “I’ve seen how prone you are to injuries.”

You turned around to find a bandaid to rewrap the bullet wound, it was mostly healed but you didn’t want to take a chance. He didn’t let you go far before his hand shot out to grab yours. Startled at the suddenness of the gesture, you glanced back at him, the inquisitiveness in your eyes plain. He pulled you closer with a tug, securing you to him when you stumbled.

“I’ve heard that kisses serve as the best remedy to all sorts of pain” he whispered in your ear.

You gulped, thoughts running back to the night at the club when the two of you had first kissed. It had been a necessity of sorts, to get you away from prying eyes and give the two of you an excuse to venture further up the club to investigate. You tried keeping the kiss buried in the deepest corners of your mind but it always seemed to catch you off gaurd in your dullest moments. Now, with Jungmoon being so uncharacteristically bold you couldn’t help but think back to that day. He stroked a fire inside you like no one else ever had.

“You of all people should be well aware that it’s a hoax.” You replied, your hand automatically tracing the wound with feather-like delicacy.

“On the contrary, the “gate control theory” proves that that diversion tactics can often help deal with pain simply of the basis of the pain fibres not passing if you’re distracted well enough and by default you feel less pain.” He easily countered. You could’ve rolled your eyes at him, had not he been trying to convince you to kiss him.

When the thought finally registered, you were baffled as your heart picked up. The gravity of the situation settled in; Jungmoon, one of the most, if not the most stoic and closed off person you knew was not only asking for you to kiss his pain away but was also going as far as to try and convince you to do so. You knew he had no alterier motive simply because there was nothing special he could gain from it. Or so it seemed to you.

“Do you ask all the nursing staff for kisses on your booboos.” You joked, grinning widely despite how much his words effected you.

“They aren’t you.” He answered simply.

You stared at him, mouth hanging agape. What had he been taking to grow this bold, this open. A stab wound, no matter how lethal, shouldn’t be making him this delirious should it. Even as the thought came, you got rid of it. This was Jungmoon of all people, you could see the coherence in his eyes. He knew exactly what he was talking about. Plus luckily it was more of a cut than a stab, curtsy to the asshole he had saved. You could tell something about the exchange had bothered him and there had been a sort of tension between him and Un Cheol.

“If I give you your kisses will you tell me what’s bothering you?” You were aware that this might’ve been overstepping your boundaries but if the man could ask for a kiss he could answer a question too.

Jungmoon stared at you for a moment, the familiar assessment on his face before he shrugged and agreed, once again taking you by surprise. You hadn’t expected him to agree so quickly. A very large part of you couldn’t help but feel flattered and rather excited by the easy acceptance. It felt like he trusted you-or perceived you as no threat- and that you were more than just a colleague. Granted that yes, that should’ve been a given since he was practically asking you to kiss him.

You stared at him, unblinking before bending down slowly as you maintained eye contact. A flicker of surprise, on his otherwise impassive face made itself known to you, meaning he wasn’t expecting you to give in so easily, if at all. You didn’t let it get to you, not when you’d already made your move.

You pressed your lips tenderly on the newly wrapped bullet wound. It seared against your lips, a burning sensation that hit you spreading to your core, churning there. You had put bandaid on an old wound. Or were you the bandaid in this scenario, an attempt to ease the pain Jung Moon felt. The only problem was that, you were afraid that you, your self would be left in a locker room full of hurt when he was done. Still, you couldn’t help your heart skipping a beat, not when felt Jung moons breath hitch. Your lips lingered there for just afew seconds before you shifted to his current injury, also on his arm. You kissed him there as well, even more gentle than before if possible.

Eventually you took a step back but once again Jungmoon didnt let you get too far, he reached out for you. By now you were genuinely concerned, that was going on with him? You had never seen him, so- so touchy and forward before. For heavens sake, he never even initiated any for my of physical contact unless absolutely necessary. Yet here he holding on to you again. You hadn’t the slightest idea what to make of it.

“You’ve missed a few spots.” He had you trapped between his legs, looking up at you with expectant eyes.

A quick analysis of his form revealed the bruise forming on his cheekbone and a small cut on the edge of his lower lips. You were sure that within afew days it would heal and with the right ointment, disappear completely. That wasn’t really your primary concern however, it was the prospect of kissing Jungmoon again that sat right before you- in all implications of the term. He was asking you to actually kiss him again!

Stifling the onslaught to hesitancies and consequences before they became too much, you decided that if you’d come this far might aswell go with it. Plus it wasn’t as though kissing him was an unpleasant experience nor was it as though you hadn’t dreamed of the last kiss you’d shared, hoping in some buried part of you that you could feel it again. The wonderful high of getting lost in him, you had danced around the fire that he so rarely displayed and you couldn’t deny how badly you wanted to throw yourself in it. To revel in his heat and passion and intensity, to see him at his rawest, most bared form. He had shown you but a glimpse of what was the real Jungmoon that faithful night and you had only seen minuscule cracks in his armour since than. Still perhaps more than most but definitely less than what you wanted. He had allowed in during your most intense encounters with criminal world or when the two of you came across tragedies that corresponded with it. A touch here, a word there, a small gesture. Things that would go unnoticed by everybody else but you, you who was acutely aware of the man infront of you at all times. In fact this was one of the first times you were witnessing him act so open without any sense of urgency and empending peril. That alone would’ve been enough for you to kiss him, even if your own desires did not come into play.

You pecked him on the cheek. The gesture itself was so innocent and so completely unrelated to the heavy tension that was surrounding the air, cacooning that pair of you. It definitely wasn’t on the innocent side. Jungmoon felt it himself, he had been feeling it from the moment he had gotten you alone, ready to tend to his wounds. There was something so intimate and precious about the was you fussed over him that it bought out his own need for you. He reacted to every single word you spoke or movement you made, even if you couldn’t see it. He now knew what he felt for you, he had realised it from the day he had kissed you. He wanted you, and not just physically. He wanted all of you, every inch, every corner but above all else, he wanted your heart. Since that day, you were the primary focus of his thoughts. It was like you had spread over his mind like a haze, jumbling and repainting all of him with a shade of you. All of a sudden, he didn’t only want to know that truth about his past for himself, he wanted to know it for you. So he could protect you, even if it was from himself.

His messed up, uncertain past was the sole reason he had tried curbing this own sentiments for you. He had told himself not to make any moves until he knew who- or what he was for certain and eliminate any other threat that you faced either from him, because of him or because of the people still chasing you. All of that was thrown out of the window now. The moment you had touched him, bandaging his cut with such delicacy and care. He had known that restraint was a lost cause. He needed you now, and with the way things were going he wasn’t sure if he lost his chance with you now, he would ever get it again. Yes, he would have to reevaluate everything now that he was opening himself to you like this but it was a move he was ready to make.

From the second your lips had touched his skin, he was gone. For the first time in his life, he lost control of all rational thinking, wanting you above anything and everything else. This was why he couldn’t let you go, without tasting that forbidden fruit that tantalised him ever since he’d first tasted it. In the cell, during his restless nights on the stone benches of that desecrated church, during missions, when he was alone with you, when there were people with you, when you weren’t there, your lips and the feel of you in his arms taunted him, like a constant ache. Despite being labelled a psychopath, he had never truly felt mad until that kiss.

This time you kissed him first.

It wasn’t like the one you’d shared, that night or atleast not at first. You kissed him on the corner of his mouth before slanting forward and kissing him fully on the lips. It wasn’t just mindless passion, this time it was so much more. It was like crossing a bridge, between one realm to the other. There was uncertainty, fear and hesitation but there was also hope, thrill and a prevalent sense of giddiness. If things hadn’t changed before the certainly did now.

Jungmoon held you close, one arm encasing your waist tightly in between his legs while the other one on your back pressed you against him. Everything from his hold, to the way he kissed you made you weak in the knees. All you wanted to was collapse onto him and stay that way but you couldn’t, atleast not right now. You wanted to keep kissing him and then maybe get afew answers out of him.

Finally, after some failed attempts where Jungmoon chased after your lips again every time you tried to part, you managed to pull away. You don’t move away from him though, feeling too good for your own sake, contented in his hold.

“Now that I’ve um- kissed your pain away.” Your neck suddenly felt hot, saying it out loud. “I believe you have something to tell me.”

Jungmoon sighed, some of the tension you’d seen coming back on his face. His head came up to rest against your stomach. You’re heart lurched forward at the gesture, somehow it meant more than the kisses themselves. You ran your hand through his hair, just like you’d imagined so many times in your head. His hair was as soft as it looked. You hoped it gave him the comfort you wished to pass on. It was something your mother did often when she was alive and it never failed to make you feel loved.

“Un Cheol was ordered to kill me.” He spoke with his usual monotony but you could feel the strain in his voice, dancing along the edges. “His ex boss ordered him to kill me on someone’s request.”

“Whose request?” voice was barely above a whisper, you were in shock. Un Cheol was ordered to kill Jungmoon. You knew that Un Cheol was a convicted mobster and you’d seen his violent ways first hand but you also knew him to be a big old softie. More than that, you were sure he had a soft spot for Jungmoon.

“I don’t know.” He replied.

“But Un Cheol never tried to kill you did he?”

“No.” Jungmoon admitted, “he had plenty of chances...but he didn’t.”

“What about his boss?” You wouldn’t put it past him to try something. “Lee Do-Kwang, was it. What do we do about him.”

He looked up at you after hearing that, slightly shocked at how easily you had paired yourself up with him. Like it wasn’t just his problem anymore, it was yours. That pleased him more than he’s ever expected it to.

“Un Cheol managed to get him off my back, atleast for the time being. I’m not really sure if we’re really in the position to do something about it right now. I have to head back to the cell soon, so whatever we’ll do, we’ll do it after.”

You nodded, killing him wasn’t the best option anyways. Not only was he well protected and nearly impossible to access, he meant the world to Un Cheol. You didn’t even want imagine what he’d do if they took him out. You weren’t sure if just a soft spot would save them from his wrath. Not to mention that was Jung-moon back in prison there was nothing much you could do. The thought of him going back in jail alone left an unpleasant aftertaste in your mouth.

“I don’t see why they keep sending the three of you back in there.” You frowned deeply, it wasn’t fair to you. They risked their lives everyday and fought the worst of the worst only to be sent back in like it was nothing! It was hypocritical and pathetic. “You’ve just been injured, you need proper medical care not some dark hole in that containment centre.”

Jung-moon smiled alittle at that, your worry always had made him feel grateful but now it felt even better. For someone to care for him and worry about him, was something he wasn’t sure he’d ever feel again. He knew he had to address what had transpired soon but for now he could enjoy this moment and take it all in. He’d imprint your warmth in his head and his heart. Maybe that would help keep him warm in the coming days.

“You know why they do that.” The hand on your back slowly moving in circles. “ don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Where will you be staying this time?”

“I’ll be with Gu-tak so I’ll be fine.” You smiled reassuringly. It wasn’t safe for you to be out on your own until the loan sharks that your dad had left you in his death were caught. You had survive a good while without anyone there to protect you but that was a risk they were now avoiding. There was no point in putting yourself in harms way.

“Be careful regardless, carry the dagger you’ve been given at all times.” Jung-moon warned you, wanting desperately to be with you. He didn’t doubt Gu-taks ability to protect you but he suspected he’d be on edge regardless until he was with you again. Such was the side affect of his newly labelled feelings for you.

“I will.” You promised, caressing his cheek with the thumb that had previously been playing with his hair.

“Good!” His eyes held lazy satisfaction when they fell on your lips once again before meeting your eyes.

He kissed you again, the final one until you met again.

#bad guys #leejungmoon #park hae jin x reader #park hae jin #park hae jin scenarios #kdrama #kactor

[littlebigafterdark]

I'm feeling in a particular mood for some more Logan stuff, (totally not my comfort character who unfortunately is a medium for a lot of angst /s) so maybe the almost-relapse?

the littles accidentally trigger logan's ED (janus and patton help him thru it)

This is a copy pastd from a really long message i sent to liv a few weeks ago, just in case the grammar is weird or somethin!

oOo

context: whenever roman is a brat and refuses to eat dinner, logan gets noticeably more frustrated than with any other bratty behaviour because it hits too close to home to his eating disorder

so...

one day when patton is out somewhere, maybe at his carpentry class ((thats actually slightly spoilers for a big concept for the main blog lol)), logan has both the littles

and roman is bratty and refuses to eat dinner and logan breathes evenly and tries not to worry abt it bc he KNOWS roman always eats, hes just doing it to be annoying, breathe, he isnt actually restricting its ok

and logan was literally holding the baby fork up to vees mouth and suddenly she giggles and pushes it away

"come on baby, yummy time" logan coos and smiles a little but he doesnt feel it, and with his other hand he tickles lightly under vees chin and she giggles and logan smiles and goes to feed her again

but she pushes the fork away and babbles "mo bima!"

and roman laughs "yeah, no dinner! no dinner!" and bounces

and logan is feeling rlly shaky and hot suddenly and swallows thickly and ignores roman, and keeps looking at vee "princess, please open up," trying not to pay attention to how shaky his voice is. "its papa's spaghetti remember? yummy" he nods enthusiastically and goes to feed her again

but again vee just giggles all squeaky and pushes the fork away and looks at roman with a big smile for his approval. and roman is like "yeah vee! rebellion!!!" still so playful

but he hasnt noticed logans chest is heaving a little and hes staring at where vee pushed the fork away and logan was too shaky not to drop it on the floor.

and he looks up at vee and how small she is and how shes genuinely on the lower end of average weight and they need to make sure she doesnt dip down into underweight and thinks about how terrified he is of the idea that if she did develop an ED like he did it would be so dangerous and he cant see his baby go through that and-

it just hits him so so so harshly and hes suddenly crying and roman and vee freeze and look at him. and he hurriedly wipes away his tears and breathes shakily and tries to say again

"vee pl-please just ea--" and his throat closes up, he cant even say the word 'eat' and he gags on his tears and jumps up from his chair to run out to the downstairs bathroom and locks himself in trying to calm down and stop gagging.

and he can hear vee crying and roman - adult now - promising her its okay, mama feels a bit sicky but everythings okay, lets phone nana, its ok baby

and logan is breathing too fast and shaking and crying with his back against the bathroom door, not gagging anymore, but unable to take himself outside

. he hears roman feeding vee, and vee giggling and clearly enjoying the food, but no matter how comforting that is to hear he cant get over that genuine terror he felt when vee refused to eat, its his worst nightmare for vee to develop disordered eating - for any of them, but vee is already very thin and it could be critical, and logan cant get over that

when janus arrives (barely ten minutes later, he must have jumped in the car straight away which is only used for emergencies bc of janus' partial blindness) he speaks quietly to roman, and of course theyre trying to be subtle

but the kitchen is only across the hall from the bathroom and logan hears every word of roman explaining what happened and how confusing it was and how patton wont be home for another forty five minutes and roman didnt want either vee or logan to be alone but they probably shouldnt be around each other right now since vee gets so upset when the others arent happy

roman tries to talk to logan first through the bathroom door, apologising for misbehaving and promising he wont do that again. but can logan tell him what exactly was so bad about it this time? so roman can not do whatever it is in future.

but logan cant bring himself to say anything. he cant tell roman about this at least not yet he hasnt felt ready yet even if its been years and he doesnt know if he ever will be ready to tell roman about his ED

so after realising logan wont talk to him, roman swaps with janus. janus doesnt know the details but he knows theres something about logan and eating and hes made an educated guess from all the fibs hes heard over the years.

"hey, dic" (janus' unsavoury nickname for logan that he insists is just short for dictionary) "do you need a glass of water?"

logans throat is actually dry from hyperventilating and he says with a quiet scratchy voice through the door "yes please"

and when janus brings it to the door he just knocks gently and when logan opens the door to accept it janus doesnt make any comment on logans messy hair where hes run his hand through it or on his glassy red rimmed eyes or on the tremble of his fingers. but he does say "i know it must be so cozy in there" he nods to the cramped cold bathroom "but you might just prefer it in your room"

logan flushes a little and nods, comes out of the bathroom and heads to the stairs, but he pauses at the bottom of the stairs thinking... he doesnt know if he can be trusted alone upstairs. theres another bathroom up there and the gagging has made his stomach churn and he feels FULL from dinner and if only he emptied it then maybe he would feel better right? .... no

so he rasps without turning back to janus "i... i cant be alone"

"look behind you, idiot" janus says and its far closer than logan remembered him being.

he whips his head round to see janus was following closely behind him. janus raises a pierced eyebrow "well, are we going to stand in the stairway all night?" and of course its snarky but its soft too

so logan breathes deeply and they go upstairs to his room. janus makes himself at home, immediately grabbing a book from logans book case and collapsing sideways in logans armchair as soon as they stepped in the room. logan reclines on his bed and sips his water and does breathing exercises and tries to not feel humiliated about this breakdown

every time logan tries to apologise for disturbing janus' evening (he didnt) or asks if janus is sure roman is grownup enough to look after vee appropriately (he is) or insists that he is okay to be left alone now (he's not) janus just murmurs "shut up im reading"

when patton gets back roman just tells him logan isnt feeling good and patton hurries up to see him - and upon seeing his husband logan is overcome by shame that he almost relapsed and relief that his best friend is here and a wave of tears that he tries and fails to blink away

and janus just quietly bids them good night and promises he'll stay a couple hours to keep roman and vee company, but patton insists he stays the night in pattons room (its not safe for him to drive in thr dark) and janus is used to this routine by now that he knows where the spare pillows are

so janus leaves quietly and logan croaks "thanks, old man" trying to sound casual but regretting it when his voice shakes. janus just holds up a peace sign and closes logans door behind him on the way out.

as soon as the door closes logans face crumples and he hides his eyes behind his arm and patton practically bounds over to logan and climbs onto bed next to him and cradles logans head to his shoulder as he cries

they stay like that, cuddling in bed, patton cradling logans head and kissing the nape of his neck and wrapping his arm around logans waist to spoon him and whisper about what happened and how they can avoid it in future

but mainly they just breathe and cry together and patton fills the hours with soft affirmations of love and getting logan a tea and promising its okay if logan wants a cookie with it but logan says maybe later (later turns out to be 2:30 in the morning but at least it really was later)

they barely sleep that night but its all comfort and talking and by morning despite being exhausted, logan feels safer and breakfast goes by without a hitch

oOo

just some notes me and liv made that i think highlights some main points:

logan struggling so much even when he knows that the kids are just playing around and they don't really mean that they don't want to eat, but it's just one of those things that inevitably hits too close to home

it just suddenly hit him! like any other day he can cope with roman doing that, its a small blip usually, but the fact that VEE started refusing food freaked logan out so much bc they genuinely have to keep an eye on her weight just bc shes naturally so small

his emotions about his history with an ED plus his overprotective mama cg space making him nearly go into a panic attack from the thought that vee could develop an ED is very sad and very true

and janus coming right away!! and he and roman handle the siatuation so well, like roman was so smart knowing not to leave logan alone, and janus calling him dic and taking him to his room and staying there until patton gets back

and him crying from just seeing patton because he's his best friend and he can be vulnerable around him is very :'c <3

hes so so relieved to see patton but theres also the slightests "ive let my husband down" bc he thinks bc patton helped him so much he owes it to patton to not relapse - but of course pat reassures him its natural to relapse but he didnt! he caught it in the early stages and asked for help and patton is never disappointed in him

he caught it!!! he caught it and he stopped himself and he let himself be helped by both roman and janus and patton and he didn't even relapse!! and this whole thing is really a sign of how far he's come that he was able to accept their help in his vulnerable state, even if roman and janus didn't have the full story, they still wanted to help him through whatever he was experiencing

#mama logan #little big eating disorder #do not reblog #long post #asks #adorable undead queen #little big after dark concepts

[strongsassysexysloane]

You and Me

https://jpncis09.tumblr.com/post/190725282440/you-and-me please read this before continuing.. 

My muse is Jack Sloane and my crush. . . 

. . . 

You almost jumped out of your skin when theres a knock at the door and then Jack hangs up the phone. "It's unlocked." You shout.

"Youre as bad as Gibbs." She complains walking in and closing the door behind her.

"Hello to you too." You put a few fries in your mouth and fold you legs in front of you, leaning back into the couch. She sits down across from you in the arm chair.

"I don't care that youre bi, I'm bi." It took a few silent minutes of you refusing to talk for her to finally speak.

You nod, reaching for some more fries and putting them in your mouth. Not ready to give anything to her conversation just yet. That and you feel like youre about to cry from everything that has just happened in the past two hours. Why does everything have to happen at the wrong times.

"You gonna just eat or say something?" She seemed flustered. Fidgetting with her hands, kept crossing and uncrossing her legs. If this was any other scenario you'd find it quite funny and adorable. Ok, you do find it adorable.

"Eat. Because being Bi doesnt explain your behaviour." Your mouth twitches and you curse to yourself. Jack saw it and she knows the game you're playing or hiding from.

"Elsa guessed, didnt she." Jack leans forward and grabs a fry from your dinner and you raise a brow at her challenge. She knows your rules about not stealing your food. The first time she stole something from your plate during a lunch break you swatted her hand away with a squawk about 'Joey doesnt share food!' and she laughed. But you noticed the sneak attacks she made while she thought you werent looking and one day you just ended up ordering an extra side of fries and she laughed.

But the mention now of Elsa's name brings you back to the harsh reality at hand. Apparently that name now hurts to hear out loud, you feel guilty and in an unfamiliar territory. "Hey, you ok?" Jack moves to get up but you hold out your hand.

"Stay." Jack sits back down but with a very concerned look on her face. You've never said no to Jack's contact before. "Jack, why did you come tonight?"

"Because the team was going out for-"

"Don't." You know she's avoiding the question, trying to play it off. "I'm a psych major remember." She huffs out a laugh at that. You know all the tricks, espeically hers and that avoidence was just sad.  

"Because I needed to see you. Apologise. Clearly I hurt you." She waves to the tear rolling down your cheek. You quickly wipe it away.

"Yes you had a part in that but it's not what you think." You grab the burger and take a large bite out of it. Not ashamed of the way you eat in front of Jack. Hell, she's a more messy eater than you are. Plus your emotions are about to let loose and having a mouth full of food seemed like a good choice.

"Want to talk about it or eat it away?" She tries so hard to lift the mood and it almost works.

"Eat sounds good. Not sure I can talk right now." You swallow the last bit of burger and grab a few fries.

"I'll be here when you can." She gets up. "Sorry to ruin your night, I'll see you monday." She grabs her handbag and car keys.

"Why didn't you go to Gibbs place after the bar tonight?" You stop her in her tracks half way to the front door.

Jack turns. "Needed to see you." A sad smile on her face. She leans against the doorway facing you.

"Why?" You take another bite of your burger, keeping your eyes on her.

"Thought you didn't want to talk?" She pushes off the doorway and walks towards you, stopping short of the couch, still giving you space.

"I dont." You swallow. "Doesn't mean you can't." You munch on a few more fries.

"Think it's much of the same conversation." She shrugs. She's trying so hard to hold onto her resolve but you can see it cracking and you feel your walls starting to slip away.

"Jack I think Elsa broke up with me." Your wall crumbles and you burst into tears, you aren't sure where they come from, its mostly confusion youre feeling. You bury your face in your hands and don't see Jack scramble to your side but you feel her when her arms wrap around you and tug you close.

"I'm sorry, im so sorry." She buries her face in your hair and your gut churns. You shouldn't feel like this just after a break up but having Jack so close. It feels right and you think back to what Elsa said. The tears start to fade and you calm down your breathing down. "Was it because of me?" You can't speak, you don't want to talk about it, you aren't ready to admit about it because you don't know what it is. But your head betrays you and you nod. "Im sorry." You think you can hear Jack start to cry and you pull back to see tears run down her cheeks.

"Hey." God, seeing Jack cry breaks you. "None of that." You wipe her tears away and she smiles at you.

"You can cry but I cant?" She reaches up to wipe the stained tears on your cheeks.

"Seeing you cry, it hurts." You swallow, nervous. Feelings bubbling to the surface, feelings you were so unsure of. The moment you saw Jack on your first day at HQ you felt butterflies. Everytime she smiled and when she laughed, you couldn't help but smile. You'd never felt these feelings before for anyone. Mostly confused you moved these feelings aside to get on with your job and didn't let yourself think about it. Just enjoyed the friendship that started to form and then you found Elsa and the feelings were buried so deep that it wasn't until tonight that they reappeared. That and she clearly had a thing for Gibbs.

"Hurts me to see you cry and think I caused it." She disentangles herself from you, but you reach out just in time to catch her hand before she can get more space. Maybe Elsa was right and you hate yourself for it. For leading her on without knowing you were.

"Can't help who we fall for." You see shock cross Jack's face and you laugh. "Once Elsa pointed it out, the feelings I buried so deep resurfaced. Thought you were into Gibbs." She squeezes your hand.

"I mean. That ship sailed long ago. We are good friends now." Jack smiles, you can see a memory flash through her eyes.

"Is it over?" You tug at Jacks hand, pulling her back to the present. "I can't be in the middle, espeically if it invloves Gibbs."

Jack shifts, you are trying to read her but somethings changed. She drops your hand and you try to get it back but she leans forward and you suddenly realise what she's doing. She's above you, arms on either side of you, resting on the arm of the couch behind you.

"You sure?" You just nod and her lips meet yours.The world goes silent and all you can feel and hear is her. Jack has you on your back on the couch and she's above you, letting her body weight rest on you and you love it. Wrapping your arm around her waist, making sure she doesnt move and you moan into the kiss. The kiss turns into several and you can't get enough of each other.

You both have to catch your breath. Jack tries to crawl off you but your arms are locked around her waist.

"At least let me roll onto my side." She laughs and you loosen your grip so she can roll onto the couch beside you and youre so thankful for the width of the couch you bought. Perfect amount of room for the both of you but you still tug her close. "For a person who ju-"

You kiss her again, and stopping her from talking is now one of your favourite things. "Someone had eyes for someone else until they saw I had a -" You go quiet and move to sit up. All the emotions from tonight are getting too much. You were distracted by having her so close that you pushed everything out of your mind.

"I'm such a horrible person." Leaning your elbows on your knees and burying your face in your hands.

"Hey." Jack wriggles around on the couch so she can tug at your arm so you look down at her and seeing her face makes you smile, its just that simple. "She gave you an out. She saw it, you aren't cheating, we aren't going to do anything else tonight. If that makes you feel any better." Jack laughs softly.

"Slightly." You lean down and aim to kiss Jack on the forehead but get her lips instead and smile. "Cheeky."

"Always." Jack says against your lips and tangles her hand in your hair. "So much for discussing later." You both laugh at that.

"You bring it out of me. Move back." You nudge against her cheek and roll back down beside her on the couch. You nuzzle your face into the crook of Jack's neck and she wraps her arms around you, bringing you in close. You're surrounded by her and you take a deep breath.

"Thank you for talking to me. Sorry I -" She stops and you laugh into her neck. "Shut up." You kiss her neck and she hums.

"Think I found a spot." You put another open mouth kiss in the same spot and suck slightly.

"If you don't want to do anything further tonight, I suggest you stop that now." She tightens her hold of you and you leave another kiss there before turning and inhaling her hair.

"You smell so good." You mumble.

"So do you." Jack kisses the side of your head and you two settle into silence. It's not long before you feel Jack's hold of you loosen and you look up and see Jack's fallen asleep.

You wriggle slowly, not to wake her and move up the couch to get your head ontop of a pillow and pull Jack into your chest. She snuggles into your side but doesn't wake up. You think back over the night and how drastically its changed. You can't help but feel bad for Elsa but she gave you something so special, you just hope it doesn't fall to pieces. Thinking it might be a good idea to go see Elsa at work tomorrow instead of calling her. It's such a strange situation but then again nothing in your life has ever been simple or worked out the way you planned.

"Your heart is racing, hon. Just breath." Jack rises up and you look up at her. You smile at the nickname, so endearing, like you've been together for years not minutes.

"Sorry, but now that you're awake, let me get up and switch off the lights." Jack nods and rolls onto her side so you slip free and do what you said.

"No bed tonight?" Jack smirks are you slid back down onto the couch, tugging a blanket from the back of the couch and placing it over you both. You hold out your arm and she snuggles back into your chest and wrap your arm around her, running your fingers up and down her arm.

"You and my bed, now that's destined for many late night fantasies." You chuckle as Jack raised her head back up, looking at you with a raised brow. "A girl can dream."  Jack wriggles up the couch and kisses you, long and slow. "Few on this couch too." You feel Jack laugh against your chest as she settles back down beside you.

"And I thought I was the naughty one." She runs her fingers up your side and you flinch. "Ticklish are we."

"If you continue, I will kick you out." Jack's hand stops and tucks back under your butt. "Smooth." You drop a kiss to her head and settle back down, trying to will on sleep but fully aware of the woman attached to your side.

. . . .

I know its not the best but my imagination is on fire. 

#jack sloane #jack sloane x reader #ncis #f/f

[wings-of-a-storm]

LUCAS’ HELL NIGHT ANALYSIS: PART 2 OF 2

Well, with this piece, I have officially finished trying to give voice to all the  frenzied thoughts in my head after watching that terrible Friday night unfold for Lucas.

I think the hardest part was revisiting the anguish on Lucas’ face. That is going to haunt us all for a while, no doubt...

Alright so we are up to Lucas running for the exit of Chloe’s house after finding Eliott with Lucille and being publicly outed... That poor guy.

OPEN GANG WARFARE

I only realised upon watching this scene that you actually see the ripple of Lucas coming through the crowd before you actually physically ‘see’ him. Like people were actually flying across the screen because Lucas was shoving partygoers out of the way to get to the doorway. He was like a hurricane, leaving a trail of destruction before and after him. From our limited angle, there are at least two victims: Unknown Partygoer No.1, and the Bouncer.

A minute of silence please for the victims of Lucas’ savagery. Particularly for Unknown Partygoer No.1 who was actually shoved aside the first time Lucas entered the house as well. :’)

Obviously I laugh otherwise I cry. It was actually heartbreaking seeing the lengths Lucas needed to go to to get out of there before he lost it completely.

I actually felt bad for Basile in this scene -- he was being really sweet and trying to grab hold of Lucas to, I dunno, support him? Calm him? Reassure him? He wasn’t to realise that that was the worst thing he could have done because Lucas needed space and distance from the heartbreak he had left behind in the house.

Things might have been ‘okay’ if Arthur’s patience hadn’t snapped; if he hadn’t escalated things further with that passive aggressive jab that was rather below the belt regardless of Lucas’ lies. Things could have been worse though -- there could have been actual punches instead of all the shoving and pulling. And the only casualty was Arthur’s glasses (which the petty part of me kind of revels in?). But still, getting into any physical altercation with your friends is extreme and just goes to show the pressure cooker Lucas’ life had become.

It is a shame the Gang had to reach this point, but they’ve all been kind of assholes to each other at one time or another. I think perhaps only Yann has been a good friend to everyone. Arthur, Lucas and Basile have all been hurtful at some point…

I wonder where Lucas and Arthur will go from here though; how they will make up in the school break if they aren’t forced to see each other in class. (Assuming David sticks to reality in his skipping of the hiatus?) This type of anger between them seems much closer to Marti and Elia than the og -- and it took the special powers of the love wizard Giovanni GaraU to piece their friendship and pride back together. Does Yann have the same touch? Time will tell...

ELIOTT KISSING LUCILLE

Lucas had already reached his breaking point when he engaged in a physical altercation with his friends. He had already lost control over his emotions and was incredibly vulnerable standing exposed in front of the yard. People were staring at him and Arthur was still screaming bloody murder from the doorway about wanting to slap the hell out of him. Of course it was at this moment when Lucas saw the man behind his heartache kissing the girl he said he had broken up with.

So much of Lucas seeing Eliott kissing Lucille was awful. Firstly, Eliott and Lucille could have just stayed inside the party, but them seeking out time alone outside is just so private and intimate.

Secondly, Eliott was the one initiating everything (something none of his counterparts did). He was the one cupping her face and smiling at her and going in for two kisses. Two!

And thirdly, yes, that smile of his as he was looking at her was meant to cut all of our hearts out. Eliott’s smile is like his strongest weapon even if he doesn’t realise it. He uses it as a shield and he uses it to express all the pure and lovely joy in his heart. When he walks into any room, that smile is the first thing you see. It’s nuclear -- even from far away, that smile absolutely knocks you out. And boy did it knock Lucas out.

I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say Eliott was giving Lucille the same smile Lucas gets. Eliott’s a very smiley person and even Lucas’ friends received that kind of smile when Eliott didn’t even known them. I feel like there is an extra level of giddiness to Eliott’s smile when he looks at Lucas. I wasn’t worried about him smiling at Lucille so much. Especially when I assume the context of it, which is...

Okay, so after Eliott was hurt by Lucas and feeling like he had to give him up so as not to be a burden to him, he would have been absolutely devastated. We saw his face in that corridor and that would have been him trying to hide most of it. I’m a little grateful we never saw the extent of Eliott’s private devastation...

But Eliott’s snap decision to cut Lucas out of his life, meant he was suddenly alone with this intense heartbreak, and probably feeling extra vulnerable because it related to that terrible force in his brain that he can’t control and that always messes his life up.

No matter how strained his and Lucille’s relationship had become in the end, she was still someone close to him who really knows who he is and has seen the worst of him. She is so safe. And since we have never seen Eliott with any friends at school, I imagine that Eliott is pretty isolated at the moment without her. It feels completely believable that he would seek Lucille out for that comfort and security. It would also make him feel better about his mental illness to know that there is someone in the world (excluding his parents who we have no information on aside from David’s headcanons), who sees that side of him and accepts it. He’s not alone with it.

Luckily for Eliott, Lucas made his comments about mental illness only a day or two after Eliott had broken up with Lucille. That meant there was a window of opportunity to try and repair things with her. It would have required a lot of effort on his behalf though, to be convincing enough for her to take him back even though he was secretly battling heartbreak over someone else. He might have even ironically used his mental illness as an excuse for their break up (actually, I am convinced he did because it will probably end up fuelling a certain comment from Lucille to Lucas about Eliott’s patterns).

What this means though is that Eliott has to stay convincing for Lucille: he has to be that happy boyfriend who wants to be with her, who just suffered a blip. If Lucille sees through him, he is in danger of being alone again. There is probably also an element of Eliott needing to convince himself that he will be happy with Lucille and can make their relationship work. The alternative of being alone after such a terrible year is just too painful.

So yeh, I’m not too surprised by all the smiles and kisses that Eliott was initiating with Lucille even though it hurts to see them. His instagram diary tells us the truth: that while he recognises the good parts of having Lucille as his girlfriend, it isn’t the same now.

(Side note: His ‘L and him’ caption breaks me! Like A) he is distancing himself from himself, and B) it’s like he is cherishing the letter L and finding comfort that he still has an L in his life. He can almost pretend it is the other L...)

LUCAS' FACE AFTER SEEING ELIOTT KISSING LUCILLE

Well, Lucas’s face after seeing Eliott smiling at Lucille, cupping her face, kissing her, doing things he can still remember Eliott doing with him not too long ago... That is a face that is going to haunt us for a long time. The level of fury in it, of betrayal... I’ve never seen anything like it in Skam. That expression not only cuts straight through your chest, it strangles your heart.

it was so powerful and clearly the exact moment Lucas reached the bottom of what he could endure. Like shit, place a copy of that face into a scientific journal under “Human breaking point.”

When I think about that look and all the intense emotions swirling behind it, It feels like the dark twin of the look Eliott gave Lucas when he was playing piano. When Eliott looked at Lucas in that moment, you were just hit with those eyes, and it felt impossible to even begin describing all the different emotions in them. Lucas’ devastating fury holds a very similar power with all the complex emotions behind it. I consider it a ‘twin’ because Lucas’ eyes also seemed fuelled by love, but love that had been desecrated and turned into a wound against him...

(That gruesome lip curl when he glanced back at Arthur still yelling at him though. Oh damn that was fierce.)

Oh gosh guys, it was just so hard seeing Eliott kiss Lucille during the worst time of Lucas’ life. It was stomach-churning in a ‘I think someone just punched me in the gut’ way. Like, Lucas used to go to this guy for comfort and now in his time of need, when his ex-beard is yelling out his sexuality to strangers, when his friends are yelling awful things at him for everyone to hear, he not only doesn’t have Eliott to go to, but Eliott is so engrossed in the person Lucas always felt second-rate to. Eliott doesn’t even look up at the noise, he is completely oblivious to Lucas’ distress. Could Eliott feel any further away?

I don’t even want to begin trying to imagine everything Lucas was feeling at that moment as he looked at Eliott and Lucille. It is just too devastating. It actually feels worse than what Eliott went through in the school corridor, because at least then Eliott had control over it. Eliott could walk away before ever having to see what Lucas’ face would look like if he learned of Eliott’s mental illness; before ever having to hear Lucas break up with him over it.

Eliott also had all the information over their break up while Lucas remains in the dark (hi Polaris). Lucas is the one who has to see the guy he is in love with for real kissing the person Lucas has always felt second-rate to. And after all those promises that they would be together because Eliott had chosen him...

And since Lucas does not have the information on their break up that Eliott has, all Lucas can see when he looks at them is: Eliott never loved me; Eliott played me; Eliott has been happy with Lucille while I have been so miserable I’ve barely had energy to get off the couch; Eliott lied to me; Eliott never needed space, he just used it as an excuse to get back with Lucille without guilt; of course Eliott doesn’t want to be with me, why would I be so stupid to believe that he did?

And then in the midst of all this gut-wretching pain and the slap of betrayal, Lucas glances back at his friends who he just fought with, who can’t understand what he is going through, who are still hurling really hurtful things at him from the doorway (well, Arthur is), and he is just over everybody.

It almost feels like he is standing in this awful triangle of snipers who have opened fire on the most raw parts of his life -- his sexuality, his family situation, and the man he loves humiliating him in front of everyone. It’s just way too much humiliation and exposure for one person to take. Of course he had to get as far away from everyone and that hellhole of a place as soon as possible.

What is extra fun is that the people behind Lucas seem to have pieced some of the puzzle together. They see his fighting with the Gang, they see the pained expression of his face as he looks ahead, and they all turn to see what he is looking at to cause such an unmistakably anguished face. They see Lucille and Eliott. Guess we’re going to have some fun rumours after all when each section of the party joins up what they have witnessed with Lucas at the epicentre…

LUCAS HURTING HIMSELF

We all had an inkling that the beginning of Lucas’ hell week would be the hardest version for the viewer to watch. I think overall, our assumption was proved correct and that is all because this is the first version where we have seen Lucas’ face in the peak of his anguish.

In comparison, Skam og and Italia gave their Isak/Martino some privacy with their pain. We only ever see Isak’s back as he falls to his knees and cries so loud you can hear it over the Kanye track. We only ever see the vague outline of Martino’s face in the darkness as he screams and cries into his hands (it was so dark, it was lucky we were even able to see the spit flying from his mouth as he screamed). You basically had to rely on all other senses to figure out the amount of pain that Isak/Martino were going through. I think that method is powerful in itself, don’t get me wrong. But in France, we see Lucas completely exposed to the anguish ripping his soul apart. And it is incredibly confronting.

At first when Lucas left the party and the camera was following him down the dark, empty path, it felt like og: Lucas had privacy with his rage and pain. But then everything got loud; all the senses were like doubled. The sound of him smashing his fist against the bars of the fence was so loud and violent. We had that kind of noise in Italia too but that was from the piece of wood Martino was wielding, not his actual hand. So not only do you have the deep echo of metal being hit by a fist, you vicariously feel the pain that that must be inflicting on Lucas’ hand.

And then after Lucas realises he has injured himself and his legs lose power and he slumps down to the floor, the street light completely exposes the expression on his face. His anguish is completely exposed -- and it is anguish that is actually distorting his face. He almost isn’t recognisable. I mean, it is hard to watch anyone suffering that level of pain, but it’s even more hard-hitting with Lucas because his expressions are normally so controlled and neutral.

Two things absolutely wreck me next in this scene. The first is the way he cradles his bleeding hand. When you’ve hurt yourself, of course your natural instinct is to hold the damaged area as if you can somehow contain the pain to that one spot. But since his hurt hand feels more like a physical representation of his emotional hurt, it feels like he is trying to cradle himself. I HATE IT, MAKE IT STOP, GUYS!

The second thing that wrecks me is how after he slumps to the ground and leans his head back -- which also crashes against the metal bars with a deep booming echo -- he mouths something as if to say ‘ow’, like he is just hurting all over, no matter what he does.

And through all of it, he is crying without any sound because the emotion is coming from such a deep place in him. Until you see the numbness take over…

I’ll say it again: it is highly confronting. I can’t even bring myself to take screencaps of it.

I mean, that’s probably why og and Italia took a step back -- because that level of pain is so private and awful, it’s almost wrong for us to witness it. But, well, France plays dirty.

LUCAS HAS NO BEDROOM

Did I just say France plays dirty? Because they are about to double that claim by reminding us all of their trump card: that Lucas has no place to cry privately. His bed is literally in a communal living area while Manon goes through her own grieving in his bedroom.

When a person is as wounded by life as Lucas is right now, it is so essential to have a safe space all to yourself to be able to grieve in. Particularly for someone as reserved as Lucas, who won’t let anyone see any hint of his pain at all (except for this Friday night when his depression was so extreme, he had no energy to move in front of his friends and he couldn’t hide it anymore). How the hell is this poor kid supposed to grieve in a communal living room?!

And that also raises another question: how long did Lucas stay slumped on the cold concrete path on Friday night? If that was the best privacy he had, it was probably a long time. So yeh, thanks for that, France! Like this whole clip didn’t hurt enough…

A TINY BIT OF HOPE TO END ON…

What is unfortunately so hard with Lucas is how reserved he is with his emotions. He is such an island and that makes it hard for others to be able to help him. When Mika reached out to him on Thursday, he got a defensive eye roll. When Yann tried to reach out to him on Friday, he got grumpiness and a hurtful ‘It has nothing to do with you.’ It’s really hard to see Lucas push people away like that and just suffer so many things alone.

This week is going to be such an important turning point for him though. He will finally make that step to trust in others and share the pain that has been slowly drowning him. He has no other choice because he cannot mentally survive like that any longer. And when Lucas starts to open himself up more to his friends and roomates and starts to value that process, it is going to put him in such a healthy place to be able to be that support for Eliott when Eliott’s secrets are exposed and he becomes highly vulnerable.

Lucas’ journey is really tough right now but he is going reconnect with people and with life and be the best person he can be once he starts to accept help. It’s going to be such a rewarding journey to go through with him. <3

#Skam France #skamfr thoughts #3x05 thoughts #heartbreak 2 of 2 #elu #well yep that definitely almost broke me #skamfr goes for the jugular #so much changes when you #actually have to witness the #anguish on someone else's face #axel I am just floored

[willowwzz]

𝕺𝖚𝖗 𝕾𝖜𝖊𝖊𝖙 𝕻𝖆𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖒𝖔𝖓𝖎𝖚𝖒 ℭ𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔢𝔯 2

                                             𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝟤

"You didn’t eat much did you?" James questioned as he walked thru the door. Closing the book, you walked past him and headed over to the fridge, grabbing an apple out. Taking a big bite, you held the apple in front of him. "I’m eating now arnt I?" you snapped, walking over to the back door and taking a seat on the old wooden bench that you had found at a junk shop and couldn’t resist buying. "Just worried about you that’s all" James replied, his back towards you. Quickly you shoved your feet into your boots and headed off down to the stables. The last thing you felt like doing was getting into yet another fight with James. Throwing your apple over the fence to one of the horses you quickened your pace as you realised it was getting a lot colder, and darker. Switching the stable lights on and grabbing a jacket, you threw it on as you walked into the feed room. One by one you fed all the horses that were in work, 12 in total, and loaded up the trailer with hay for the rest. You loved this time of the day, even though it took nearly an hour and a half just to fed everyone, but the enjoyment you got from sitting on the deck after a long day with a glass of wine watching the horses munch away happily, nice and warm, made it all worthwhile. "There girl" you whispered to Munchie, as you did the straps on her neck rug up, giving her a pat before placing her feed and hay down in front of her. Munch was the first horse you ever owned and she meant the world to you. So much so that you sold everything you owned and paid a small fortune to bring her over with you from New Zealand. Reaching old age now, Munchie was definitely the most spoilt horse on the property. Climbing the fence you were just about to hop back on the bike and head back up to the stables when you thought you saw a faint light coming from down in the gully. Walking slowly down the path you realised that the light was coming from the first cabin. The curtains were pulled and soft smoke was flowing freely from the chimney. Thinking nothing more of it, you jumped on the bike and within minutes were back at the stables. After locking up you made your way back to the house laughing as you were greeted by an excited Goldie, jumping and bounding like she was 2yrs old instead of 12! Her excitement meant one thing...you had a visitor.

"Bloody hell!" you screamed as you were scared half to death by Sam jumping out from behind the back door. "Surprise! Mwah haha I rang from in town, you weren’t expecting me this early were you!" she laughed, grabbing you in a bear hug. Wrapping your arms around her waist, you rested your head on her shoulder and squeezed your eyes shut. "I stopped at the grocery store and got all your favourite things, oh and some of mine too. Didn’t know how much wine you had so I brought a carton!" Sam laughed as she still hugged you. “And I also got some...." Sam was saying when she stopped suddenly, dropping her arms and turning you to face her. "Hey what’s wrong?” You couldn’t even bring yourself to look her in the eye. "Long story" you managed to whisper, fighting back the tears. "Oh no here's trouble" James laughed, walking into the kitchen after shaking his boots off at the door. Sam gave you one last glance before turning to James. "Don’t you know it buddy!" she laughed, heading over to James and giving him a hug. "So how long are you staying? Hope you’re not going to be too much of a bad influence on my girl" he smiled walking over to the fridge and giving you a kiss on the forehead as he passed. "Unfortunately only a few days, then I have to head home, but...." she said as she rummaged thru her bag, finally pulling out a bottle of wine, "...I do have a few weeks off in a month or so, and will definitely be out then". You walked over to the cabinet and pulled out 2 wine glasses. "Plus...” Sam continued, "I might even let this one...” she pointed to you, "...talk me into riding one of those smelly brown things out in the paddock!" she laughed, pulling out a seat at the breakfast bar. "I’m going to hold you to that!" you smiled, thinking of the first time you had talked Sam into going for a ride. You were laughing so hard you thought you were going to fall off the horse! "Well I'll let you girls catch up. I’m heading to bed, got an early start" James said, leaning in to give a kiss. You felt him tense as you turned away so instead he had to give you a kiss on the cheek. "Night" he smiled to Sam as he headed up the stairs. "Wow" Sam gasped, filling your wine glass up again. "What’s up with you guys?” You took a deep breath and followed her out onto the deck, grabbing a blanket as you passed. 3 hours and 4 bottles of wine later you were exhausted. You had, laughed, talked nonstop and were now rather drunk, listening intently to Sam as she filled you in on her latest boyfriend. "If only my life could be that easy" you sighed, pulling the blanket up around you. It was nearly 3am and the valley was so still you could hear the odd bird call and the soft sound of horses munching away in the closest paddock. "It can be Hun, and it will be" Sam said, kissing you on top of the head as she stood up. "But for now...I’m off to bed". "Hey Sam?" you called out, just as she was heading in the door. "Mmm?" she said, turning to face you. "Thank you for everything" you smiled. Sam blew you a kiss and turned, closing the door behind her. You sat for a moment, with your eyes closed. Your mind swirled, thoughts racing at a million miles an hour and you wished you hadn’t had so much to drink. You thought about Sam and you thought about James. It wasn’t fair to him that you carried on with this relationship and as Sam made you realise tonight, it wasn’t fair on you either. Standing, you slipped your boots on, nearly falling over in the process, and threw the blanket around your shoulders, holding it in front of you. Even though it was pitch black you knew this place better than anyone and made your way slowly down to the bottom paddock. Taking a short cut thru the bush, you stepped over logs and branches, trying your hardest not to fall into the creek that ran beside the path. You heard the familiar nicker of Munchie as you walked up to her, throwing your arms around her. She grazed quietly as you freely and openly sobbed into her neck until you couldn’t cry anymore...

You didn’t know how long you had been outside, but you knew you were cold. Laying for what seemed like forever in the soft damp grass, you watched Munchie in what light the moon reflected thru the trees, eating away happily, her life so simple and carefree. Rolling over onto your back you stared up at the sky, the stars visible thru a clearing in the trees. You knew it was going to be hard. Probably one of the hardest things you were ever going to have to do but it had to be done. 'I can’t go on like this' you thought. 'It’s killing me'. Your mind was made up; there was no way around it. You were going to leave James. 'Shit...I’m going to do it' you told yourself. "I’m actually going to do it" you made yourself say aloud. Guilt overwhelmed you as you thought how horrible you were being. That you were actually happy, almost proud that you were going to break someone’s heart. No matter what, you had made up your mind. If James loved you, he would understand, wouldn’t he? "Ahh...excuse me?" someone spoke. You jumped up suddenly, almost pushing the person over as you clambered to your feet. Spinning around you saw a dark figure with long brown hair peeking out from under a black woolen hat. Stepping backwards slowly you didn’t know wither to punch him, or run away screaming. "I'm sorry..." he spoke again.”I didn’t mean to scare you...but when I saw you walking into the forest awhile ago, I was worried that you were lost or hurt". He stepped closer to you as you held your breath, not sure what to say or do. From under his hat as he got closer, you could see the most intense, yet softest, green eyes you had ever seen. "Are you ok?" he asked again. Nodding, you picked up your blanket and started to make your way back up to the house, not saying a word. You couldnt say a word. A combination of drinking, being freezing and just getting the fright of your life, you could only just manage to breathe let alone talk and you didnt even care that a random stranger was walking on your property, you just had to leave. You turned just as you were leaving the forest to see the man walking back down towards the cabin and disappearing into the darkness...  

'Oh god my head hurts' you groaned as you rolled over. Opening one eye you noticed that the curtains were open and dark grey clouds loomed overhead, threatening to downpour at any second. 'Shit...need to put rugs on'. Sitting up and brushing your hair out of your face you managed to drag yourself into the bathroom. Tying your hair up, you threw on yesterday's dirty clothes. 'No point putting on clean clothes if you are just going to get drenched' you thought. Slowly you made your way downstairs, the smell of the cooked breakfast made your stomach churn. It was nearly half ten so you knew James would be at work. Walking over to get a glass of water you noticed a note from Sam saying... 'Gone into town, not sure how long I’ll be but have my cell if you want anything. Love u x x'. You grabbed a glass of orange juice, carrying it out onto the deck. You had only just reached down to pull your boots on when you felt the first faint drips of rain blowing onto your face. By the time you got to the stables the rain was pouring down. Watching from the stable doors you waited a moment to see if the rain would pass. 'Damn it' you muttered as you made a run to the bike shed throwing your jacket on as you went. About half an hour had passed by the time you had loaded rugs and the feed's you had made onto the trailer and were on your way around the paddocks putting rugs on certain horses and feeding the others. Finally you arrived at your beloved horses paddock and were greeted, as usual, by her nicker, excited at the sight of her breakfast. The sky was getting darker making it seem more like nearly dusk instead of 10am. Quickly jumping the fence you placed her feed bin in front of her which made her stand still while you threw her rug on. The wind had started to pick up as you reached back to do the back straps up. As you walked around behind her to do the other side, the cottage down in the gully came into view. You noticed smoke still coming from the chimney and just as you were doing the front straps up you saw the front door of the cottage open. Sheltering behind Munchie to block the wind, you could see thru the blowing trees as someone walked out onto the small deck and stretch their arms above their head. Slowly last night’s events crept back as you remembered what had happened. You thought that you had imagined it or maybe even dreamed it. Jumping the fence and climbing back onto the bike you made your way back to the stables glad that this morning’s chores were over and you could finally have a coffee. Pulling the stable doors closed and switching off the lights you were on your way back up to the house, glad that the wind was finally starting to ease, as a truck pulled into the drive. With everything that was going on with James, and with Sam arriving you had completely forgotten that you had a client’s young horse arriving. 'Great...just great' you thought as you motioned for the truck to back into your round pen. The client who owned the horse, Susan, as you often thought of her, a bitch. One of those people that had more money than sense. Yes she had top quality horses that were on the competition scene and earning top money, but horses to her were like a machine instead of an animal, with real emotions and feelings. You had worked many of her horses that were on their last chance or had problems, so she had always sent them to you. As much as you didn’t like dealing with her, you couldn’t stand it if any of her horses went elsewhere and plus she paid well. Pulling the truck door down, you were nearly knocked off your feet as a black blur flew past you, smashing straight into the side of the round pen. "Whoa...easy" you soothed as the horse tried to run back past you and out the door. The truck driver quickly shut the round pen door behind you and climbed up on the viewing step that went around the outside of the pen. "Got a good one on ya hands this time!" the driver laughed. "You should have seen us trying to get the bloody thing on the truck! Talk about dangerous. Might just be the one you can’t beat!" he smirked before jumping back in his truck and leaving. You had abit of a reputation on the horse scene for trouble horses and when you had moved into the area, you weren’t entirely welcome. A lot of the older horse breakers where not impressed that someone was moving in on their territory and taking their business, let alone a woman. Watching as the horse ran in panic around you, you could tell by the look in his eye that this was indeed going to be a hard one. Looking at your watch, your stomach started rumbling as you saw that it had just turned 12. Slowly you edged your way to the door, squeezing out as soon as the horse went past. You could hear the horse instantly slow down when he realised any possible threat had gone. 'Poor thing' you thought to yourself as you made your way back up to the house to be greeted by Sam on the deck, two coffees in her hands.

"Ha! You look how I feel!" Sam laughed, handing you your coffee. "I haven’t drunk that much since, well last weekend!” "You’re such a bad influence" you smiled, sitting down on the deck beside's her and dangling your legs over the edge. Listening to Sam talk about everything from when she was in college to what she had to do when she got home, she were startled by banging coming from your round pen. "What the hell is that?" Sam asked. "Yet another of Susan's stuff up's" you murmed, making a mental note to call her. "Oh dear, just don’t get hurt please" Sam said, concern in her voice. "Mmm don’t plan on it" you replied. You were just about to head in doors to ring Susan when you heard James truck pull into the drive. Taking a deep breath you grabbed the phone and headed into the office. Flicking thru your address book, you found Susan's number as James walked into the office. Dialling quickly you prayed that Susan would answer so you wouldn’t have to talk to James. Instead you got her answer phone. After leaving a brief message, you quickly headed back towards the kitchen, hoping not to run into him. You knew you had to talk to him, but at that moment, you couldn’t face him let alone tell him what you had decided, what you had to do... "Hey Morg, making a sandwich, you want anything?" James yelled from across the room. "Ah no thanks, going outside for a few hours" you replied, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge as you walked past. You had just reached the back door when James spoke. "Hey.." he said. "Mmm?" you asked, turning back to face him. "I won’t be home till late but..ah.. I need to talk to you about something, but later though, ok?" he asked, not looking at you. "Sure, ok" you said, wondering what was up. James didn’t seem his normal, laid back self. Even though you knew things could never continue between you two, it didn’t mean that you didn’t care about him, or wished him any harm. Sam had gone upstairs to make a few phone calls and answer some emails and you heard James leave again just as you were heading out to the stables. You had grabbed a halter, lead rope, jacket and a book. You loved this part of dealing with horses, gaining his confidence and trust for the first time. You were heading out the door when the stables phone rang. "Hello" you answered breathlessly. "Hi, it's Susan, has the horse arrived?" she said, emotionless. "He has" you said, again thinking to yourself 'why did you deal with this woman'? "Look, I'll put this bluntly, I don’t like the horse, but it has potential. He hasn’t been handled much and what handling he has had is, well let’s just say, that you need to be careful around him. He has a month, if he isn’t up to scratch by then, then he has to go, and I mean go" she said. "Ok, I'll see what I can do" you replied. As you were about to ask her his name, she cut you off. "He doesn’t have a name, don’t care what you do with him, just fix it" she said before hanging up on you. 'Ok good to talk to you too, bye' you muttered sarcastically. Finally getting to the round pen, you looked thru the viewing hole in the side of it. The horse was standing at the far side, sweating and shaking. 'What has she done to you?' you thought opening the door and stepping in. Instantly the horse started to pace, facing away from you to avoid any eye contact. Walking out into the middle of the round pen, you laid your book, halter and lead rope down and put your jacket on. All the while the horse still kept walking, every now and then when you made a sudden move he would pick up the pace and start trotting. 'And so it begins' you thought as you sat down on the sand and opened your book. As much as you tried to concentrate on your book, you couldn’t. Your mind kept wondering back to James, Sam and the mysterious man staying in the cottage. All you could remember was his voice, so deep and soothing and his eyes. You had never seen eyes that colour. Your attention was brought back by the black horse snorting. Slowly he had calmed down but his breathing deepened as he edged closer and closer to you. Ignoring him, you turned your back to him, looking down at your book. Behind you, you could hear him edge a little bit at a time closer to you and every time he came around your side to face you, you again turned your back on him. This continued for over an hour until eventually the horse was less than a metre away from you. Just as he put his head down to sniff you; you held your hand out. At the sight of your hand the horse reared, before spinning and again running manic around the pen. 'Definitely been beaten' you sighed turning to your book again. Eventually he settled, but this time watched you from a distance, too fearful to approach you again. After looking at your watch and realising that you had been in there for over 4 hours, you slowly made your way out of the round pen. Filling his water bin and putting in a hay net and a feed, you peaked thru the viewing hole as the horse sniffed at his food, then walked back to the far end, dropping his head and trying to rest, visibly exhausted. 'That explains a little' you thought as you headed back to the stables. 'Obviously the horse has been bribed with food before, as hungry as he is, he doesn’t even have enough trust to eat'. Feeding the other horses and putting rugs back on, you checked the horse again on your way back up to the house. He had picked a little at the hay but hadn’t touched his hard feed. 'At least it was something' you thought as you walked in the front door to be greeted by a beaming Sam. "Guess what, guess what, guess what!" she squealed, taking your hands and spinning you around the kitchen. "Mmm I don’t know..." you laughed, "but it must be good!"... "Guess who is the new regional manager with a big, fat pay cheque to match?" she laughed, dancing around the room. "Oh I don’t know?" you smiled "Tell me?” "Ha Ha" Sam laughed, playfully punching your arm. "Yay...congrats!!" you replied, pulling her into a huge bear hug. You knew how hard she had fought for that job and to finally be put in that position must have felt amazing. "What a perfect excuse to open a bottle of wine" you said as you walked over to the fridge. "Oh come on!" Sam laughed, grabbing two glasses from the cupboard. "You know I only drink on special occasion's...oh and any day of the week that end's in Y!” You couldn’t help but laugh at Sam, happy that she was happy. "But..." Sam continued, a sad look spreading over her face. "Mean's I have to leave earlier....like tonight". "Never mind" you lied, trying not to let your disappointment spoil her good news. "You never know..." you continued as you walked out onto the deck with Sam following behind you, "...maybe it will be me secretly surprising you next time". "I hope that's a promise!" Sam laughed, sitting down beside you on the deck. For awhile you both sat in silence, sipping your wine, watching the horses and listening to the birds wildly going about their business as the sun started to set, taking any last morsels of food back to their young one's before dark overwhelmed them. "Isn’t life funny?" Sam asked, turning towards you as she pulled her legs up to her chest. "What? As in you spend the day with gorgeous men in suits and I spend the day covered in hair and shit?" you laughed, sculling the last of your wine before Sam topped your glass up. "Exactly!" she laughed, wrapping her arm around your shoulder. "But..." she smiled, giving you a peck on the cheek, "But...I wouldn’t have it any other way!" you replied, giving her one back. "Amen to that!!" she laughed as she raised her glass in the air.

An hour and 2 bottles of wine later, Sam was packed and ready to go. Standing on the deck, you felt guilty that you wanted Sam to stay, but also knew that no matter what, she would always be there for you and you would no doubt need her in the weeks to come. "Please please PLEASE promise me one thing?" Sam asked hugging you as her taxi pulled up. "Anything" you said, carrying her bags down the stairs. "Do what your heart tells you" she almost whispered, giving you one last hug. Fighting back the tears, you closed her door as she wound the window down. "Will call you tomorrow and also tell James I said bye" she yelled as the taxi went down the drive. Running up to the deck you just managed to see her wave as the taxi disappeared out of view. Instantly, as soon as you realised Sam had gone, the tears started...and you didn’t think they would stop.

Walking back into the kitchen you headed straight over to the fridge. You were glad you had run out of alcohol, choosing water instead. As you were about to head upstairs, you saw a note on the table.

"Hey babe....Dry those bloody eyes and harden up!! Love u, miss u all ready, will call u first thing :) Sam x x x".

God she made you smile! You headed up to your bathroom this time noticing a card sitting on your pillow. 'Sam!' you smiled again to yourself as you opened the card. Instantly your heart dropped when you realised it wasn’t Sam's writing, but James'.

"M, please don’t worry but I'm staying at George's tonight. Lately I've sensed that things have been abit off between us, and wanted to give you, and myself, some time out. I have my cell on me, and George's number is in the office so please call if you need anything...or me. J". Lying down on the bed, you held James' card to your chest and squeezed your eyes shut tight.  'So he does know what's going on' you thought to yourself as you rolled onto your side and pulled your pillow under your head. Knowing that gave you some sort of relief amongst the guilt. At least it wouldn’t just come out of the blue, like blurting out one day at the dinner table 'So hunny how was your day?...Oh good, mm mm yes me too oh by the way...I’m leaving you, can you pass the salt please?'. Ha if only it could be that easy! Tomorrow night, defiantly tomorrow night you decided. Walking back downstairs, you pottered around for an hour or so before lighting the fire. It wasn’t until you realised you had spent nearly 40 mins watching the flames that you forced yourself to get up. You were exhausted. Physical and emotionally. Back in your bedroom you ran a bath and poured way too much bath gel in, nearly causing bubbles to spill over the edge. Removing your clothes you slipped slowly into the hot water, feeling your skin tingle at the sudden heat. After what seemed like hours, and several refills of hot water, the tiredness had started to kick in as you slowly drifted in and out of sleep, when you were woken up by knocking. Not sure if you were just hearing things you ignored it as you rested your leg on the edge of the bath. There it was again, there was someone definitely knocking on the door. 'Damn it' you muttered, deciding to ignore it before reality kicked in. 'What if it was an emergency? What if the horses were out?’ 'Grr' you groaned as you pulled yourself out of the bath, wrapping a towel around you. Your wet hair, still clinging to your face and neck, covered your shoulders and was still full of bubbles. The person knocked again. "All right, all right, I’m coming" you yelled as you got to the front door and opened it. Gasping at what you saw, you felt like your legs were going to crumble as your heart leapt in your chest. Standing in front of you was possible the most beautiful person you had ever seen in your life. Wearing a navy beanie, his dark hair curled out from underneath, swirling it's way over his intense green eyes and down around his neck, sitting on his black hoody that was pulled up around him. "Um....hi" was all you were able to say. "I'm sorry..." the man apologised, "Didn't mean to interrupt...” he smiled nervously, motioning to your towel. You had been so mesmerized by this man that you had totally forgotten that you were standing there practically naked. Blushing, you instinctively wrapped your arms around you, holding the towel firmly. "Can I help you with anything?" you asked, suddenly shy. "Oh sorry, I just wanted to make sure you were ok?" the man replied, staring you straight in the eyes. 'What?' you thought to yourself as he spoke again. "I saw you the other night...was worried that you were lost or hurt" he continued as it all came flooding back. 'He was the man in the forest' you remembered. 'The man with the eyes'. "Mmm I'm fine!" you laughed. "I had a date with Mr Beam that night....Mr Jim Beam". The man laughed a deep, throaty, yet cheerful laugh. "Oh I've met him too!" he replied. "Many...many times!!". You both laughed, followed by an awkward silence. "Ah would you like to come in?" you asked. You don’t know why you had asked him, but secretly hoped he would say yes. "No no, I'll let you get back to your bath" he replied, motioning to your wet feet. Turning to walk down the stairs. "Might be able to sleep tonight now that I know your ok" he said quietly. "Thank you" you managed to whisper as he turned away. You stood in the doorway momentarily as you watched him disappear into the darkness. Closing the door you bolted upstairs to get changed. Quickly throwing on your pj's you were pulling back the duvet on your bed when you suddenly stopped. Staring at your reflection in the mirror opposite your bed, you were slightly shocked. You hadn’t realised it......but you were smiling.

That night was possibly the first night that you had slept peacefully in a long time and when you woke that morning, instead of groaning and rolling over to sleep some more, you were up and out of bed in a flash. You had no idea why you all of a sudden had an energy burst, but wanted to use it to your full advantage. After showering, you actually felt like eating for once and wolfed down a bowl of cereal before feeding Goldie and headed down to the stables. Within the hour you had feed out and taken rugs off, finishing at your beloved Munch. As you walked down to the far end of her paddock to get her feed bin that had blown under the tree's, you noticed the front door of the cottage down below open and you instantly thought of the man that was staying there. The man that had visited you last night. The man who's eyes you couldn’t forget. Smiling to yourself, you headed back up the hill, climbed on the motorbike and made your way back to the stables. After bringing in a few horses to work you let them settle in the yards with a fed and a hay net each before checking the horse of Susan's that had spent the night in the round pen. Looking thru the viewing hole you could see that he had eating his hay net but not touched his hard feed or water. You grabbed your gear, a halter, lead rope and book and slowly opened the round pen door. The horse stiffened his body as soon as you entered and watched your every move. Still not making eye contact you kept your back to him, slowly edging your way into the middle of the pen. As much as you enjoyed this part of dealing with horses, you also knew how dangerous it was. Many times you had been kicked, run down and knocked out by horses in the same situation as this one. But for some reason, this one was different. 'So far so good' you thought as the horse still stood still, not yet fearful enough to run from you. After ten mins or so, you heard the horse move as he edged closer and closer to you until you could feel his breath on the back of your head. "What a good boy" you murmed softly. The sound of your voice made the horse snort as he backed off a few steps. "Must think of a name for you aye boy?" you told him, still not turning to face him. "What about Black Beauty?" you laughed at your stupid remark. "I know...I know...not very original for a black horse is it?” After awhile of blabbering about nothing in particular, the horse had become more and more comfortable with your voice, and was even standing beside you, sniffing your hair, your folded legs and spreading his slobbery lips all over the pages of your book. "Oh thanks for that!' you laughed as you folded up the book, placing it under your jacket away from his prying lips. Slowly you stood up, standing right beside the horse’s head, the closest you had been to him yet. As you gently held out your hand, the horse took one quick sniff before backing up and again you turned your back on him. This time you walked a few steps away, and as expected, curiosity got the better of him until you could walk a whole lap of the round pen with the horse following behind. After filling his feed bin you walked with it in your hand before stopping and placing it at your feet and again turned your back on him. Within seconds the horse was happily munching away. Silently you left the round pen and peaked thru the viewing hole and watched as he stood contently, head in his feed bin. "I don’t know much, well anything, about horses, but he is a beautiful" someone said behind you. Startled, you jumped around. It was him. "He is" you whispered, turning back to face the horse so you wouldn’t have to look at him. You didn’t know what it was, but around him you felt odd, intense, as if time stood still. "Is he yours?" he asked, this time standing closer to you to look thru the hole as well. "No sadly, a clients horse" you replied, turning to pick your gear up. You started to head down towards the stables, and turned the corner into the yards as you looked over your shoulder back at him. He stood watching the horse for a moment before turning and walking back towards the cottage. 'What a dick!' you told yourself. 'Why the hell did you just freaking walk off? God imagine what he thinks of you now?' you thought as you started to tidy up, banging the buckets together in frustration. Grabbing the two horses from out of the yards, you were walking them back down to their paddocks when you noticed him patting Munchie over the fence. "Sorry for just heading off like that" you apologised as you were letting the horses go. "Not a problem" he replied, picking some grass for Munch. "I can see you are busy". "As always" you smiled as you jumped the fence. It had started to get warm so you decided to take her rug off. "Ville" he said suddenly, catching you off guard as he placed his hand out. "I’m sorry?" you asked him. He started laughing. 'That laugh' you thought, causing you to slightly smile. "Ville, my name's Ville" he said again. "Morgan" you replied, placing your hand in his. Your fingers tingled as your hand touched his. As if you were placing them in a hot bath again. "Pleased to meet you Morgan" he smiled. "I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on!” You couldn’t help but laugh, your cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "Ha very funny!" you smiled as you were climbing over the fence. Right at that moment, your foot got caught in the wire, causing you to trip. Suddenly you felt Ville's arms around you, saving you from completely falling. You stood up catching your breath. Looking up, your face was so close to Ville's that you could feel his soft breath on your face. "Ahh...thanks" you whispered as you felt his arms still around you. A small smile spread across his face. The curl in his lips was almost unbearable not to kiss. As you leant closer you could see the surprise in his eyes, yet also the urgency for you to kiss him. What the hell were you doing! You scolded yourself, but you just couldnt stop.Your heart beat quickened and you felt Ville's arms tighten around you as he pulled you closer towards him. Just as your lips were about to touch, you were both startled by the sound of a truck pulling into the drive. James' truck. "Damn it" you muttered as Ville's arm's left your side. "Umm better go" you said, stepping away from him. "Another time" he replied as he bowed, turned and left. You watched as he walked towards the cottage and once you felt like you could walk, you took a deep breath and made your way up to the house. 'Here goes nothing'...

Walking into the cold house, you switched the jug on and pulled two mugs out of the cupboard. "Not for me thanks, all ready got one" James said as he walked into the kitchen. You sat down as you waited for the jug to boil. There was an awkward silence as you watched James finish his coffee and rinse his mug in the sink. He turned to you, resting against the bench. For a moment he looked at the ground, shifting on his feet. It wasn’t until he looked you in the eyes that the tears started to flow. And once they started, you didn’t think they were ever going to stop. James walked over to the table and sat down opposite you. "I love you" he said reaching out to take your hands in his. "I love you too" you replied. And it was true, you did love James. "But..." he asked, taking a deep breath. "I'm not IN love with you" you whispered. James sighed, his hands tensed around yours for a brief second before he dropped them and sat back in his chair. "I'm sorry" you sobbed, wiping the tears from your face. You could hear James' breathing deepen and forced yourself to look up at him. Silently you cried as he held his face in his hands, his elbows resting on the table. You heard him sniff every now and then, eventually standing up. "I'm glad you finally decided to tell me the truth" he said, a slight hint of anger in his voice. "I don’t know why you couldn’t have trusted me enough to tell me earlier". "I thought I could have made it work, I really, really did" you replied. James walked over to the bench grabbed the tissue's and placed them in front of you. "Drink?" he asked. You nodded yes, watching him as he poured you a large coke. You’re favourite. That was James, knew all you quirk's and habit's, like's and dislike's, and even though you had just broken his heart he still made you his first priority. "So what happens now?" he asked, getting himself a beer out the fridge. You shrugged your shoulders. What did happen now? "No matter what...” James continued, "...this place is yours, I'm not taking your dream away from you". "Thank you" you murmed. You both sat in silence for a moment when James stood up. You watched as he headed upstairs. He returned a few minutes later with a couple of bags. "You don’t have to go...” you said quickly, standing up. James smiled as he placed his bags on the deck. "Yes I do" he replied, turning to face you. "I'll be back at some stage to get the rest of my things and sort stuff out". The tears started falling again as you squeezed your eyes tight trying to fight them back. You felt James step closer towards and wrap his arms around you. "I'm sorry...” you wept again into his shoulder. "I know...” James replied before letting you go. You watched as James threw his stuff into the back of his truck and climb in. He gave a simple wave before heading off down the drive. You don’t know how long you sat on the step that night, Goldie by your side. But once the tears finally stopped and your body couldn’t take the cold anymore, you dragged yourself to your bed, not bothering to change and fell instantly asleep.

#villevalo #ville valo #fanfiction #fan fiction #villevalofanfiction #ville #valo #HIM #H.I.M #his infernal majesty #hisinfernalmajesty #villefanfiction #valofanfiction

[i-am-out-of-my-vulcan-mind]

In Sickness and In Hell

Here’s my next multi chapter fic. I’m really putting poor Jane through the wringer at the moment aren’t I? I’m so mean…

Anyway thank you so much to @lurkingwhump for listening to me drone on about this fic. I truly wouldn’t be able to get anything done if it wasn’t for you <3

Just going to put a bit of a TW in with this. This is for my @badthingshappenbingo prompt “stomach flu” so if you're squeamish don't read ahead.

Jane lay beside her husband, rubbing him softly on his back while he slept. The last eight hours had been hell. She had woken up the night before, only to find Kurt's side of the bed empty.

When she had finally found him, he had been huddled over the toilet retching his guts up.

“I'm ok… go back to bed.” he had said, and Jane had shook her head, falling to her knees beside him.

She had stayed with him on the bathroom floor all night, taking turns between rubbing his back as he was violently ill, and wringing out the washcloth she had placed on the back of his neck.

He had protested, albeit weakly, stating he didn't want her to get sick. She had only shook her head, stating that their vows had said in sickness and in health.

Four hours later, he had finally managed to keep ginger ale down, and Jane had convinced him to move to the bedroom where he would be more comfortable.

She had placed a bucket on the floor beside him, and put a fresh glass of water on his bedside table.

He had fallen asleep quickly, completely drained from his visit with the porcelain God.

**************************************************

Kurt woke some time later, groaning when he tried to roll over.

“How are you feeling?” Jane asked, placing the back of her hand on his forehead.

“Like I've been hit by a truck.” he muttered into the pillow.

Jane smiled, rubbing his shoulder.

“Your fever has broken at least.” she said.

“And I don't feel like I'm going to throw up any time soon.” Kurt continued.

Jane leant forward, kissing him on the forehead.

“I'll get you some Gatorade.” she said, making her way to the kitchen. She returned, helping him sit back against the pillows.

He took the drink off of her, taking a tentative sip. He breathed a sigh of relief, when it hit his stomach, then settled.

“Keep sipping at that.” Jane said. “I'm gonna go make the couch up so we can watch something if you like?”

Kurt smiled. She knew he hated being in bed during the day, whether he was sick or not.

She moved back to the bedroom, helping him out of bed and onto the couch. He was weak, completely spent from the virus he was still trying to fight off. She got him comfortable, before returning to the bedroom to grab the Gatorade and the bucket from the side of the bed.

It was Easter weekend, so they had the next three days off, and Jane was secretly relieved, knowing she would have hated to leave him like this.

****************************************************

They spent the majority of the next day, tangled together on the couch, secretly relishing in the fact that no one wanted to disturb them because they knew Kurt was sick.

Late in the afternoon, Jane was starting to feel a little unwell herself. She shrugged, turning back to the movie, thinking she was probably just worn out. This was the first time in a long time, they had actually spent a couple of days doing nothing. Her body was probably just unsettled because she had finally ‘stopped.’

Another twenty minutes passed, and her stomach was growing notably more upset. She held her breath, trying to ignore the cramps that were starting to rip their way through her system.

“You ok?” Kurt asked, noticing her grimace of pain.

“I'm not sure.” she replied, bringing her hand up to cover her stomach. She exhaled slowly, trying to quell the torment within.

She tensed, as she rode out another wave of pain, a low rumble settling deep in her belly.

“Oh, I think I'm about to be very unwell.” she groaned scrambling to her feet, making a beeline for the bathroom.

Kurt let her go, wanting to give her a little privacy if her stomach revolted at the other end.

A short while later, Jane exited the bathroom, looking pale and miserable.

“You ok?” Kurt asked her again from the kitchen, knowing she probably felt as wretched as she looked.

She shook her head, a defeated smile playing on her lips.

“I think I've caught your bug.” she groaned miserably, taking a seat at the breakfast bar.

“Oh Jane. I'm sorry.” Kurt apologized offering her a glass of ginger ale.

“Don't be.” she said smiling softly. “You told me to keep away and I didnt listen. I knew the risk.” She accepted the ginger ale, taking a tentative sip. “Why do you only get the vomiting though?” she complained, trying to make the situation a little more lighthearted.

Kurt just smiled softly in sympathy, walking around the counter and cupping the side of her head in his hand.

“Guess my body is just stronger than yours.” he said, trying to get a rise out of her.

It worked. She smacked him on the shoulder, before he grabbed her hands and held them to his chest.

“Now now.” he stated.

Jane rolled her eyes, noticing how pale he had become again.

“Why don't you go and sit down?” she suggested. Stronger or not, he was still recovering himself.

Kurt nodded, swallowing thickly.

“Join me?”

Her stomach gurgled loudly. She winced, bringing her hand to clutch at her abdomen as another cramp hit. Kurt place his hand on her shoulder, hoping to give a little comfort as her insides rebelled against her.

She groaned in discomfort, before her eyes widened.

“I think that's me again.” she muttered, heading back towards the bathroom.  

Kurt sighed, staring after Jane. He knew how unwell he had been - and he had only been vomiting. He would take that any day if his wife didn't have to suffer the same fate.

The sound of retching filled the apartment. Frowning, Kurt made his way to the bathroom, knocking softly.

“Jane?” he asked tentatively.

“Don't come in.” she muttered. Kurt sighed, knowing she had started going at both ends.

“Let me know if you need anything.” he said through the door. Not expecting much of a reply, he made his way back to the couch, waiting for his wife to reemerge. He knew she wanted a little privacy, but he would be there if she needed him.

**********************************************

Kurt opened his eyes drowsily. He must have nodded off. He looked at his watch, noticing that a couple of hours had passed. Sitting up, he realised Jane was still missing.

“Damn.” he muttered, getting to his feet and making his way to the bathroom.

“You ok in there?” he asked through the door.

When all he received in response was a weak groan, he opened the door slowly.

“Oh Jane.” he sighed, moving into the bathroom. She was leant over the toilet, her head resting on her arm, eyes closed in exhaustion. She had stripped down to her singlet and had managed to throw her hair into a small bun.

He knelt beside her, rubbing between her shoulder blades gently.

“Come on sweetheart, let’s get you off the floor.”

Jane shook her head.

“Not ready.” she grunted out, her arm wrapping around her belly protectively.

“Ok, ok.” he said, turning to grab a washcloth from under the sink. He wet it with cool water and wrung it out, placing it on the back of her neck, just like she had done for him a couple of nights before.

She groaned into the toilet bowl as her stomach churned. Before she knew it, she was vomiting  again, heaving up what little was left in her system. Kurt rubbed her back, wishing he could switch places with her.

She panted heavily when she had finally got herself back under control, whimpering at the pain in her abdomen.

“Here.” he said softly, offering her a glass of water.

Jane took a sip, and then lay exhaustively against Kurt. He kissed her softly on her forehead, frowning slightly at the burning of her skin.

“Ready to go to bed now?” he asked, wanting her to be more comfortable. She nodded in response, not quite sure if she could trust her voice. He stood, bringing her up with him. She groaned, swaying against the dizziness that assaulted her at the change of equilibrium. “Easy.” he murmured, steadying her against his chest.

He guided her to their bedroom, helping her under the covers. Moving to the living room, he grabbed the bucket she had set aside for him earlier, knowing he was no longer at risk of needing it. He also poured her a fresh glass of ginger ale - she needed to start rehydrating sooner rather than later.

When he returned to the bedroom, he sighed at what greeted him. She was curled on her side, her knees brought up to her chest, pain etched into the features of her face. He sat down beside her, rubbing her shoulder softly.

“Something’s not right, Kurt.” she whispered, hugging her arms to her stomach. “You didn’t get cramps this bad.”

Kurt frowned.

“Do you want me to call the doctor?” he asked. Jane wasn’t usually one to complain about pain.

She shook her head.

“Not yet…” she ground out. “It’s probably just a twenty-four hour bug like yours was. It’s just hitting me harder is all.”

“Alright.” he said softly. “You tell me if it gets any worse though.” he added, his concern growing by the moment.

Jane didn't reply. She just shifted, rubbing her stomach uncomfortably.

“Do you think you could try drink a little for me?” he asked, brushing the bangs off her burning forehead.

Jane swallowed thickly. The thought of ingesting anything making her feel nauseated. But she knew she needed to keep her fluid levels up, if she wanted to have any chance of getting over this.

She nodded softly, and Kurt helped her sit up. He winced with her, seeing the pain flash across her face from the change in position.

He grabbed the glass off the nightstand and passed it to her. She reached out with shaky hands, sipping slowly.

Not five minutes after she had managed to drain half of the glass, her eyes grew wide, before squeezing shut. She swallowed convulsively, exhaling slowly.

“You going to be sick again?” Kurt asked knowingly, already reaching for the bucket on the floor. When he didn't receive a response, he helped her sit, rubbing her back as she breathed heavily into the bucket, willing the nausea to just stop.

She lost the battle within seconds, bringing up the ginger ale she had just consumed. Kurt's heart broke, watching her crying out at the pain in her stomach. He was starting to agree that something was definitely wrong. He had been sick, but Jane was right in saying that he never experienced stomach pain as debilitating as she was.

When she was done, he helped her lay back against the pillows, too exhausted to do anything, but try and breathe through the pain. He took the bucket to the bathroom, washing it out, before returning to her. He placed the bucket back on the ground and put a cold washcloth on her forehead.

“You ok for a minute?” he asked.

Jane just nodded softly in reply, hugging her knees back to her chest.

Kurt left the bedroom, looking through his contact list and calling their family doctor.

He told him of Jane's symptoms, and the doctor agreed that they sounded more severe than just a normal stomach bug. He told Kurt he would be over within the next hour.

Kurt disconnected the call and made his way back to the bedroom, where his wife was lying in the exact position he had left her. He sat down beside her, turning the washcloth over so the cooler side was on her skin.

“I called the doctor.” he confessed.

Jane frowned.

“Why? I thought we decided I had just got the worse end of your bug?”

Kurt shook his head.

“The doctor agrees that this is more than a typical stomach bug.” he said, rubbing her arm softly. “The sickness aside, the pain you’re experiencing isn’t normal.”

Jane frowned again, choosing not to answer. She was sick of doctors.

“Also I’m a little worried because you can’t keep anything down.” Kurt continued. “I would just feel a bit better if you were checked out.”

Jane sighed, then winced, riding out another wave of pain.

“Oh Jane…” he sighed, hating to see her in this level of discomfort.  “Do you want to try the wheatsack?”

She nodded and Kurt moved off to the kitchen, relieved that he was able to do something to try and make her feel a bit better.

When the wheatsack was heated, he returned to the bedroom, lying down on the bed behind her. He wrapped her in his arms, holding the wheatsack to her stomach, rubbing her back gently with his free hand. She wrapped her arms around the wheatsack, hugging his hand to her middle.

Eventually, in the safety of her husband's arms, the exhaustion overcame the pain and Jane fell into a fitful sleep. Kurt lay with her, still rubbing her back softly, waiting for the doctor to arrive.

#blindspot #blindspot fanfic #badthingshappenbingo #jane doe #kurtweller #stomach flu #jeller

[whitehorsetiger]

To Return Home

The reef-mer and the shark-mer had been at war for years, so long no one was really sure why they were even fighting anymore. The two different kingdoms avoided each other, neither of them really wanting to get into any scuffles. Eventually they decided to end the animosity between them, the youngest prince of the sharks was to marry the prince of the reef. That was until…the night before the wedding, the prince of the reef vanished.

****

Prince Lance, youngest child of the king and queen of the sharks was exploring the open ocean around sunset. It had been almost a year since his ill-fated engagement to the prince of the reef mer and Lance, was not all that bothered about it. Sure, he was sad for the queen, who had lost her only child, but Lance had never met the other prince, so he wasn’t that torn up over the loss of his would-be husband.

A ship had passed through this area recently, in fact it was very close by. Twitching his tail lightly, Lance shrugged to himself. He had nothing better to do today, might as well see what the humans were up to. There wasn’t anyone else around, not for miles. Lance had been travelling between two different provinces, hoping to catch one of the other shark pods on their migration paths. Unfortunately, he’d missed them so was heading back to where he was supposed to meet his family. He had time.

Lance streaked through the water easily, very quickly catching up with the ship. Lance bobbed to the surface for a second, spotting the ship not too far away. It was a huge sailing vessel and Lance’s jaw dropped. Lance didn’t really go actively look for human vessels, he didn’t really have that much interest in them. Didn’t stop him taking a look when they were there, or if he found a sunken ship having a poke around. But that had to be one of the biggest ships he’d ever seen in his life.

Diving back underwater, Lance followed the ship with lazy flicks of his tail. That was until he saw, something, in the water. Lance froze, watching the mass of…something in the water. Then that something moved and Lance darted over. It was a person, a person slowly sinking towards the sea floor. They weren’t moving, head tilted back with a few small bubbles escaping through their nose. Lance grabbed them and hauled them up to the surface.

Lance thrashed his tail powerfully to keep the two of them above the water, holding the human close and hoping he wasn’t dead. A cough and water flowed out of the human’s mouth, before he took a deep, shuddering breath. He was still unconscious, but at least he was alive.

“How did you even manage to fall off the boat?” Lance said, assuming that’s what happened, “Lucky I was in the area.”

He could haul this human back to the boat, it wasn’t too far away. But, Lance had no idea if he would be able to get the two of them up on deck. Land would be easier, it wasn’t too far away and there was a human settlement by the beach so this human could get the help he needed. With this plan in mind, Lance floated onto his back, settling Keith on his chest and beginning to pull him along. No problem.

****

It was dark by the time they reached shore, which Lance was grateful for. He did not really want to be bothered by humans, especially with what he was about to do. Mer were elegant, beautiful and graceful creatures. All that immediately went away when they tried to go on land. Lance flopped inelegantly onto the sand, hauling himself and the human out of the water. Luckily it was high tide, so Lance didn’t need to pull him up that far to get to relative safety.

Lance panted harshly as he dropped the human on the beach, unused to having to use his lungs for so long. After a few seconds, Lance turned back to the human. Lance could see his chest rising and falling with breaths, resting his head on the man’s chest, Lance breathed out a sigh of relief as he heard his heart thundering away in his chest. The human wasn’t going to die, well…not immediately.

Shuffling over to the human, Lance peered at him. He didn’t look at humans that much, or this closely. It was dark, but the light of the moon was more than enough for Lance. Very gently, he pushed the human’s dark hair away from his face. Lance hummed lightly, running his finger over smooth, pale skin.

“You know,” he said, “You’re kind of pretty, for a human.”

Lance tilted his head back and gave a loud cry, hoping someone would hear him and come looking. He didn’t really just want to leave this human alone on the beach.

“You know, you are really lucky,” Lance said, “I’m being far to nice to you.”

He swished his tail in the sand lightly, resting his hand on the human’s chest.

“Well, you’re still breathing,” he said , “If someone finds you while we’re soon young, you’ll be just fine.”

It took a little while for anyone to respond to Lance’s cries, the whole time he kept talking to the unconscious human. There wasn’t any need to, but Lance was just going to keep talking.

“I think it came from over here!” Voices shouted suddenly. 

Lance smiled, spotting the light the humans were carrying as they made their way onto the beach.

“Well, this is where I leave you,” Lance smiled, “Don’t go falling off of anymore boats again, you might not be so lucky next time.”

Giving the human’s cheek one last poke for good measure, Lance hauled himself back into the water. He swam far enough away that the human’s lights wouldn’t reveal him, but Lance could still keep an eye on what was happening.

The humans rushed down the beach, obviously spotting the person laying there. The two of them immediately started attending to him, they talked in hushed voices, discussing how they were going to move the human. Lance smiled, seemed he was in good hands.

****

It was a couple of weeks before Lance returned to the land where he’d dropped off the human. He hadn’t gone with the intention of looking for the human, he’d gone because it was right besides reef-mer territory and he was going to discuss the new terms of the treaty. So, during a break from peace talks, Lance decided to head towards the land. He doubted he would see the human he saved, but there were some reef sharks that liked to hang around that area.

Lance slipped under the docks, wove between the ships. It was busy, but the humans were too preoccupied with whatever they were doing to notice him. There was a large building up on a cliff not that far away, people seemed to like dropping thigs off this cliff and Lance liked picking them up. He liked shiny things, thought they were pretty, and humans seemed to be obsessed with them.

Lance picked through the silt at the bottom of the cliff, flicking his tail to stir up the sand. He didn’t see anything shining, which was a bit disappointing but, he was almost instantly distracted by a loud splash.

Lance’s head snapped up and he spotted someone thrashing in the water…and what was it with humans and trying to down lately. This human could blatantly not swim, struggling to keep their head above the water. Lucky Lance was here, lucky they hadn’t been impaled on the rocks or hit the cliff during their fall. Darting forwards, Lance wrapped his arms around the human’s waist, dodging the thrashing limbs as best he could. With a powerful flick of his tail, he pulled the two of them to the surface.

The human gripped Lance’s shoulders, taking several deep breaths and Lance was struck with a sudden realisation.

“What the hell?” Lance snapped, “I save you when you fall off the boat and then you fall off a cliff? I think you should just avoid water from now on.”

The human was still conscious this time, so Lance got a good look at dark blue/purple eyes glowering at him. The human did not seem all that happy, but he’d gone pretty much limp in Lance’s arms, only his hands gripping tightly to Lance’s shoulder. He didn’t seem to have anything to say, so with a shrug, Lance pulled him around to the beach.

The human walked out of the water, before turning around to look at Lance. He was still glaring lightly, but his eyes widened when he saw the long shark-tail extending behind Lance. It wasn’t like humans didn’t know mer existed, its just most won’t have any interaction with them, or have any they are aware of. Lance swished his tail lightly, churning up the water.

“Look, just don’t count on me being there to save you next time,” Lance said, “Just stay away from water for a bit, you’re not having much luck.”

Turning around, Lance dragged himself back into the water. The human was still there, standing on the beach as Lance swam away.

****

A few days past and Lance found himself back at the beach where he’d dropped off the human. What could he say? He was curious. What he wasn’t expecting was for the human to be there, sat on the beach, staring out into the water. Lance frowned lightly, what was the human doing? He could just leave, there was no obligation for him to speak to this human. But Lance was nothing if not curious, so he steadily swam closer.

“I thought I told you to stay away from the water,” Lance said, surfacing a short distance away from where the human was.

The human’s head snapped up, immediately finding Lance’s head in the water. He stood up, making his way towards the waterline. Flicking his tail, Lance essentially beached himself so the human didn’t have to go any further than necessary. 

“What are you even doing out here? Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” Lance asked.

The human shook his head, before pointing to Lance.

“You were looking for me?” Lance asked.

The human shrugged, tilting his head from side to side.

Lance frowned, propping his chin up on his hand.

“What were you even doing on that boat? And on the edge of that cliff?” he asked.

The human looked at him, blinking lightly, before tapping his throat.

“You can’t speak?” Lance asked.

The human shook his head.

“Huh,” Lance replied, “Interesting.”

****

Lance’s curiosity over the human only grew, the fact he couldn’t talk and answer all of Lance’s burning questions only fuelled the fire. As did the fact he didn’t seem all that bothered about the fact Lance was a mer. Lance just chattered away to him as the human sat beside him in silence, he seemed to be enjoying their time together, so Lance just kept going back.

One morning Lance headed towards the beach and his human wasn’t there. He halted almost immediately, ducking behind one of the rocks sticking out of the water. Peering around, Lance watched as the two of them walked along the beach, holding hands. As he watched, they lent in for a kiss. It was cute. He then spotted his human heading down the beach, who seemed to freeze at the sight of the other two humans. They noticed him and made their way up to talk to him. Lance’s human didn’t really seem all that happy around them, clearly very stiff and uncomfortable. Lance felt himself tensing, anger rising. Eventually, the two of them left and his human came further down the beach.

Lance bobbed closer, sliding up onto the beach and stretching out on his front.

“So, who were they?” he asked, smiling lightly.

His human curled his arms around himself, squeezing slightly before shrugging and gesturing to the big building on top of the cliff.

“They live up there?” Lance replied, his human nodded, “Ah, how do you know them?”

His human blinked, before his eyebrow twitched and he frowned.

“I’m going to have to work it out myself then,” Lance said, “Will you tell me if I get it right?”

His human let out a long breath, before shrugging.

Lance hummed, “Childhood friends?”

Head shake.

“Parents are old friends?”

Head shake.

“Met randomly in the woods?”

Another head shake.

“You stumbled into the big house by accident?”

An eyeroll accompanied the head shake.

“Well you’re not giving me much to go off of!” Lance said.

He got a smile from that one.

****

“Where have you been going!” Pidge said suddenly, making Lance jump.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Lance shrugged.

He sighed, stretching out more on the rock he was sunbathing on.

“You’ve been vanishing, not being around, not hanging out with us,” Pidge said, listing off on her fingers.

“Nothing unusual,” Lance said, “I’m a busy guy.”

“You’re literally doing nothing,” Pidge said, gesturing around.

“I’m taking a break from my busy life,” Lance replied.

“We’re just worried about you dude,” Hunk added, propping his head up in his hand.

“Nothing,” Lance shrugged, “Don’t worry, I’m just around.”

He could feel the look Pidge and Hunk shot each other, Lance sighed.

“Look, I’m just hanging around the cliffs,” Lance said, “People toss stuff down there all the time, I like to see if I can find pretty things.”

Pidge made a suspicious humming noise, before poking Lance in the cheek.

“You’re just acting odd,” she said.

“Odd?” Lance asked, flipping over onto his front, “How so?”

“You’re acting like…like…” Pidge’s eyes widened, “Oh! Who are they?”

“Who is who?” Lance asked.

Hunk made an excited noise, slapping his hand on the rock.

“You have a thing for someone.”

Lance felt his heart just about drop into his stomach.

“No I don’t!” Lance protested, voice far, far too high pitched to be believable.

“Oh my god,” Pidge said slapping her forehead, “Why didn’t I see it sooner, you have a thing for someone.”

“No I…” Lance protested weakly, before burring his face in his hands.

Oh no, no…no…no! This could not be happening. His human was...well human! Lance could not have a thing for him, he didn’t even know his human’s name.

“Awh!” Hunk chirruped, “So who are they?”

Lance kept his head buried in his hands, letting out several harsh breaths.

“Lance?” Hunk asked, “Lance are you ok?” Lance shook his head, curling his hands into fists. The sound of splashing and Lance was suddenly squished between his two friends.

“Hey,” Pidge said, “What’s wrong?”

Lance let out a huff of breath, “Nothing, it doesn’t matter.”

“Oh come on,” Pidge said, “Don’t make me say it.”

“You’re going to have to say it,” Hunk replied.

“Please I don’t want to,” she said.

“Just say it,” Hunk said.

“Fine,” Pidge sighed, “We care about you and want to know what is bothering you ok?”

Lance looked up, glancing between them before flicking his tail lightly.

“I can’t like him,” Lance said.

“Is he a selkie?” Hunk asked, “You know your parents would be fine with that.”

“Worse,” Lance said.

“Not a trench mer,” Hunk said, “You can’t survive that deep and they don’t like light!”

“He’s human,” Lance replied.

There was a pause, then a blink.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Pidge said.

“I wish I was,” Lance said, collapsing back on the rock.

“So, how?” Hunk asked, “It’s not everyday you get to talk to a human.”

“He fell off a boat into the water, then fell off a cliff into the water,” Lance said, “I saved him twice and we just started talking, well, I did, he can’t talk.”

“Oh,” Pidge said, “He can’t talk? Sounds perfect for you.”

“Shut up,” Lance said, “He’s nice, sweet. I don’t really know anything about his past though. Not that he could tell me even if he wanted to.”

“So what are you thinking?” Hunk said.

Lance shrugged, “Get over it, what else am I supposed to do. Humans and mer can’t be a thing, there’s no way.”

“You could ask Shiro,” Hunk said.

“What and leave the ocean? Leave my family?” Lance said, “No thanks.”

“Maybe there’s another way?” Pidge asked, “Don’t know until you ask.”

Lance shrugged, “I’ll think about it.”

****

Lance went to the docks late one night, scouring for coins people had dropped between the wood. Bobbing to the surface, Lance moved to tug at the mussels attached to the wood. They were Rachel’s favourite and it always paid to stay on her good side. That, was when he heard the sniffling.

Lance floated forwards slightly, eyes scanning the area to see if he could spot whoever was crying. It was really late at night, so who the hell was out at this time? Lance froze when he spotted the figure sitting on the dock, head buried in his hands. That was Lance’s human.

Flicking his tail, Lance launched himself onto the dock. His human jumped, staring at Lance, probably not expecting what just happened.

“What’s wrong?” Lance asked, resting his hand on the human’s arm.

He jerked away, glaring at Lance lightly with red eyes. 

“I look for coins and things here,” Lance explained, “Also the mussels attached to the posts are pretty good.”

The human let out a long breath, looking down at his hands.

“So, what’s wrong?” Lance asked, tilting his head to one side.

The human glared at him for a moment, before letting out a long breath. For a moment, Lance honestly thought he was going to get up and leave. Lance blabbered for ages about his life, his family, everything really. His human seemed unwilling to share anything and not just because he couldn’t talk. This time though, there was a long sigh, before the gesturing started.

He tapped his chest lightly.

“You?” Lance said.

A nod, gesture of walking fingers.

“Walk?”

Shake

“Go?”

Head tilt.

“Leave?”

Nod, pointing to the building on the hill.

“That building?”

Shake.

“Building?” 

Shake.

“House?”

Head tilt.

“Home?”

Nod.

“So, you left home?” Lance asked.

His human nodded, before resting a hand over his chest.

“What?”

A frustrated frown, before he thumped his chest.

“Chest?” Lance asked.

An eyeroll, his human lifted up Lance’s hand, miming placing a kiss on it.

“Kiss?”

A glower.

“Love?”

A nod.

“You left home because you love someone?” Lance asked.

His human gestured idly.

“I have no idea what you’re saying,” Lance said.

He got an eyeroll for that. But Lance had a sinking feeling in his chest, his human was sobbing, on his own, in the dark.

“They don’t love you back?” Lance asked.

A nod.

“Why don’t you go back home?”

A headshake.

“You can’t?”

Another nod.

“I’m sorry.”

A shrug.

There was a long beat of silence.

“So there’s no chance?” Lance asked.

The human shook his head. He gestured to his neck, then his left hand. Lance was confused for a few moments, then he realised what was being mimed.

“Marriage?” he asked, a nod.

“They married someone else?” Lance asked.

Another nod.

“Well…that sucks,” Lance said.

He got a weak smile for that. 

“I was supposed to get married you know,” Lance said, leaning back.

He got a curious look.

“To a prince of the next kingdom over, he vanished before we could though.”

Wide-eyed his human stared at him.

“I didn’t tell you I was a prince did I?”

A headshake.

“Probably should have mentioned that.”

A nod.

****

I’ll think about it turned into Lance braving the dark waters to find himself in Shiro’s cave. Ok, braving was a stretch, the only thing scary about Shiro’s cave was it was dark and kind of…spiky. There were also sharks that patrolled around the area, but they didn’t bother Lance.

Running his hand down the side of one of them, Lance smiled.

“Hey buddy,” Lance said with a smile, “You doing a good job huh.”

The shark flicked past him, and Lance continued forwards.

“Hello? Shiro?” Lance called into the cave, slipping between the spiky rocks, “Are you there?”

“Who’s there?” a voice called from deeper in the cave.

“Um, I’m Lance? Prince of the sharks?” Lance called.

He’d never met Shiro before, never really had a reason to use his magic. Everyone had heard of him though.

“Prince of the sharks? Interesting,” Shiro said.

Lance flicked forwards slightly, hovering slightly in what could be equated to a doorway.

“I need some help,” he said.

“Of course,” Shiro said, “That’s all anyone comes for.”

Lance winced, “I’m sorry?”

“Don’t worry, it’s not your fault,” Shiro said, “I’m the one living in a dark cave…in the middle of nowhere…with sharks surrounding the area…yeah, it’s really my own fault. So, what are you after?”

“It’s a bit of a strange request,” Lance said, flicking in a bit more.

“I promise you,” Shiro said, “It will not be the strangest thing I’ve ever been asked for.”

“I, I think I like a human?” Lance said, “And I want to do something about it?”

Shiro froze for a second, before shaking his head.

“No, no, nononononononono…I can’t help you,” he said, waving his hands around, “I don’t do transformations into humans anymore, anything else yes, this no.”

“Wait, wait,” Lance said, cutting off Shiro’s rambling, “I don’t want to be a human.”

“You don’t?” Shiro asked, “Well, good, so what were you thinking?” “I don’t know, I was hoping for suggestions?” Lance said.

Shiro hummed, tapping his chin lightly. He opened his mouth several times to say something, but kept closing it thoughtfully. 

“There might be something I can do,” Shiro said hesitantly, “But it won’t be easy. Do you really like this human?”

Lance nodded, “I do, I just, he seems so lonely and I want to help.”

Shiro nodded, “Alright, There are several ingredients I need you to gather, they’re not hard to get a hold of, they’re just a bit far away. The finished product should enable him to breathe underwater, although, he’d not park selkie or mer or anything water based right? Because it will turn him into that.”

Lance nodded, “I can do that and I don’t think so?”

Shiro nodded, “I’ll give you a list, when you get everything to me, I can make it for you.”

****

“I need to go away for a while,” Lance said, “I’ll be back soon enough.”

His human stared at him for a moment, face dropping and arms crossing over his chest. 

“I have something important to do, I’ll be back before you know it,” Lance shrugged.

His human seemed to droop even more, picking lightly at his fingernails.

“Promise, you won’t even miss me,” Lance smiled, resting a hand on his shoulder, “Won’t even notice I’m gone.”

This didn’t seem to help, so Lance pulled him into a hug. His human was not expecting this and tensed at the contact, but soon relaxed against Lance’s chest. 

“Just don’t go falling off things into the water while I’m away ok?” Lance said, “I won’t be here to save you.”

There was a huff of breath against his collarbone, and hesitant arms wrapped around his waist.

Shiro was right, the ingredients were not difficult to get, just far apart. Lance had been to far flung placed before, he was a shark, migrating around the ocean was what they did. He collected fallen sharks teeth, headed to the icy waters to sheer a tiny amount of a narwhal tusk, dove into the depths to collect whale bones, plucked spines of urchins, arms off starfish, a hair from the mane of a sea serpent. There was not one corner of the ocean he had not scoured. A black pearl, scales from the immortal fish, a sucker from a kraken, an increasing range of rare and exotic ingredients.

It took a while, but eventually, Lance had brought Shiro all the ingredients. He slept for almost a full day after that, after having to endure the endless badgering from Pidge and Hunk. After that, he collected the finished potion from Shiro and headed towards the beach.

****

His human wasn’t there, which was probably not unexpected. Lance splayed out on the rock beside the beach, looking out to the sand. He didn’t appear that day, or the next, or the next. Lance began to grow worried, had he forgotten? Given up on Lance? Left the area?

On the fifth day, Lance was just about ready to give up. Maybe his human had found happiness, that would be nice. It broke his heart, but, just as long as he was happy. After all, that was what this had been for. So what if he found that happiness without Lance. Flicking his tail, Lance thumped it on the rock. Alright, fine, Lance was a little annoyed, he’d done so much to get this potion.

The sound of loud splashing, Lance’s head shot up. His human, there, wading through the water towards him.

“Hey! Hey! What?” Lance said, reaching out a hand.

His human grabbed his hand, allowing Lance to pull him up onto the rock.

“What on earth were you?” Lance started, but never finished.

Arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him into a tight hug. Lance laughed, curling his own arms around the human.

“I didn’t think you were going to come back,” Lance said with a chuckle.

A headshake and a squeeze.

“So you missed me?”

There was no reply to that, but Lance could see the pale skin going red.

“I’m going to take that as a yes.”

The two of them sat together on the rock, Lance held out the small glass bottle.

“This should help you breathe underwater,” he said, “It’s what I’ve been getting for you while I’ve been away. This way, you can come visit my family, my friends, you wouldn’t have to be so alone anymore. Apparently if you’re half a water-based creature like a selkie you’ll become one? So just?”

Whatever Lance was going to say next was cut off as arms wrapped tightly around his neck, his human burying his face in the soft skin there.

“Um? Ok, it’s not really that big of a…” Lance started, but was cut off again as the human pressed their lips together.

Lance froze, at a complete loss as to what was happening. It finally seemed registered and he began to kiss his human back, resting one hand on his waist, the other curling in his hair. Lance pulled away slightly.

“What was that for?”

A look of how can you be so stupid, but with an affectionate smile.

“Yeah but, what about the other…” Lance said.

A hand over his mouth stopped Lance from continuing, he got an eyeroll and the human’s hand moving from over his mouth to cup his cheek. He pressed their lips together again, before taking the small glass bottle out of Lance’s hand. 

“I mean…you don’t have to if you don’t want too I just thought…” Lance didn’t even get to finish before his human drained the whole thing in one, “Or you could do that I guess.”

There was a pause and Lance wondered if it had worked, then his human doubled over, clutching his head.

“Hey,” Lance said, “Hey, are you ok?”

It was a really, really stupid question. Especially as the human began to pitch sideways, ridged in pain. Lance reached forwards, grabbing him so he wouldn’t fall in the water and pulling him into a tight hug.

“You’re ok,” Lance said softly, “You’re going to be ok.”

Lance held him close to his chest, rubbing up and down his back and holding tight as he thrashed in pain. He had no idea what to do, what was happening, all he could do was hold his human tight and wait for the pain to pass. And hope nothing bad would happen, well, nothing worse then what was currently happening.

Eventually, his human went limp in his arms. Lance let out a long breath, nosing lightly at his human’s hair. It took a moment for Lance to realise he’d squeezed his eyes closed, human clutched close to him. Cautiously, Lance peeled his eyes open, moving his human away from his chest to look down at him. A sharp inhale as Lance cupped the face of…who was a human.

Red scales crawled up his neck and cheeks, fins folded in front of his ears. Lance shifted his eyes down, the red and black scales running down his arms to slightly webbed fingers. A smooth black and red tail laying over the rock with soft fish-fins spread out. He was a mer, a reef mer if Lance took a guess. A hand curled around his wrist and purple-blue eyes flickered open to look at him.

“Lance,” he croaked, voice rough with disuse.

His head dropped backwards as he fell unconscious.

****

Lance looked out at the water, wondering how long he could stay here until someone realised he was missing. Sighing, Lance looked back and down. What was once his human, who is now apparently a mer was curled up in the curve of Lance’s tail. His head was resting on Lance’s waist, soft puffs of water running over his skin. Reaching out, Lance tangled his hand in dark hair, scratching lightly at the scalp underneath. He got a soft noise and the mer curled up tighter, before opening his eyes.

“Lance?” he croaked out again.

His eyes darted down, looking at his hands, his tail, smoothing his hands up his face to his earfins. Lance just watched, waiting for the mer to get his barings.

“I guess I owe you an explanation,” he said, smiling a little awkwardly. 

“You could start with your name,” Lance replied. 

He pushed himself out of the curve of Lance’s tail, resting on the rocky floor of the underwater cave beside him. 

“I’m Keith,” he said, “I…I’m the prince of the reef mer, I guess…that makes me your fiancé?”

Lance froze, staring at Keith, twitching his tail lightly.

“You’re who?” he said.

“Keith,” he said, “Prince of the reef mer, I…”

He looked up the top of the cave, flicking his fins.

“The night before our wedding, I panicked,” he continued, “I had fallen in love with a human and…no offense…I didn’t really want to marry a stranger. So, I went to Shiro and he made me human. The human though, he loved another and I…didn’t think there was any way I could return home.”

Reaching out, Lance rested a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

Keith looked up, smiling lightly. Flicking his tail, Keith swam to cup Lance’s face gently.

“But you,” Keith said, “You did so much for me, you travelled through every ocean for me.”

Keith pressed their mouths together, curling his arms around Lance. Making a surprised noise, Lance wrapped his arms around Keith’s waist, pulling him closer. 

“You brought me home,” Keith whispered softly.

#klance #laith #voltron #keith (voltron) #lance (voltron)

[chipsanddespair]

{Go to Part 1} {Go to Part III}

A good man

Youre a good man, David said, But youre too generous for your own good. You let people use you.

Chris couldnt respond because what he wanted to do was scream, No. No you are wrong. You dont see. I am not agood man. But it was no use, it never was. Goodness and generosity. Kindness. How many times had he had to listen to himself described in those terms? Everyone had decided that he was good and kind and they were blind and deaf to anything other than confirmation of his goodness and kindness. His attempts to protest his ordinariness were not so much dismissed as co-opted as proof of his saintliness.

And it wasnt just goodness and kindness. Tell people that he was a lawyer and immediately he was a legal eagle. Tell them he liked to sit down at the piano and he became an accomplished pianist. Try his hand at writing and he became Chris, the Great Writer. Tell them that he was proud of his children and he was branded as the perfect parent.

Was that so bad? He had asked himself many times. Surely, it was better to be thought well of? Some people might consider it ungrateful, arrogant even, to reject the worlds assessment in favour of his own. Anyway, people saw what they wanted to see. If that was what they saw, or thought they saw, was it his problem?

The answer, he knew, was yes. Tempting as the argument was, it ignored the burden that fell on him as a consequence. His whole life until now seemed to have been devoted to propping up the image that people had of him. Because they would not have it any other way, that was the image he had to maintain. He had become, if not the embodiment of a lie, then a character in a play that could not end because the audience would not allow the curtain to fall.

And it had all begun, he was certain, with the dream of making a model to impress his mum and dad and his teacher. A dream made of balsa wood. A simple dream begun with utter confidence but one that proved as hopeless at it was flimsy. But a dream that could not be seen to fail.

*****

There had been no hesitation about the deception once it had formed in his mind. He thought about that much later on in life when he was remembering how it all started. No Jiminy Cricket alighted on his shoulder to give him a ticking off. No miniature Chris in white robes and halo. It was the only solution. He could not meet the expectations he needed them to have of him. He could not let them down by showing them how far short he had fallen. Better to show them nothing. Let them fill in the undrawn canvas. The only question was how. And now, at this distance, fifty years on, he found that, to a degree, he could admire the almost effortless shift in planning from making the perfect model car to creating a perfect lie. Time, and his forty years experience as a servant of politicians, had made him cynical and cynicism had given his thinking nuance, the ability to recognise something as awful and yet to appreciate the cleverness of it.

But time had not drained the shame. That first terrible encounter with the thought that he was not as good as he needed to be, had sent a shock through him so intense, so visceral that each time it resurfaced he had to clench his fists and slam the door on it in his mind. Sometimes, the need to shut it out provoked an actual howl that he had quickly to stifle in case the company he was in should think him in pain or mad. And it was no longer alone. Many more had joined its ranks and sat on the walls as he walked down the streets of his life, taunting, calling out the worst obscenities imaginable. Useless fuck. Tosser. They broke into his house and stood around his bed as he tried to sleep chanting failure, failure, youre rubbish, mate, until he feared that the neighbours and his family would hear and realise the truth about him. They followed him into work and sat in front of the screen when he was trying to read some dense legal judgment reminding him that he was not clever enough to understand it. They followed him into the pub and whispered to him that his friends there would shun him if they knew.

Knew what?

Objectively he was a success. Objectively he had done well. But according to his own assessment it was unmerited. He was a fraud. A fraud trapped within his own scam, forced each day to perpetuate the lie of his worthiness by the insistent self-deception of those around him. Maybe not an actor, no, more like a conjuror required to keep pretending to pull coloured silks from his mouth because the audience, believing him to be a real magician, would not let the trick end.

*****

One lie, done to save face, had set the pattern for another and another. It was like when you had boarded the wrong train, which was now rolling through the countryside, and all you could do was look out of the window and let it carry you on. The train Chris had boarded took him away from his home station of truthfulness and diligence to deception and disguise. The gentle but relentless motion of the train and the passing landscape through which he was carried, remote and indifferent to his existence, gave his lulled mind space to admit a new and awful thought: that you didnt have to stand and face your failures. You could leave them behind, just by keeping the momentum going, and just as long as you didnt force the people who stood in judgment over you to question the good impression they had of you.

It was a thought that came wrapped as the present of comfort but something about its slipperiness and the way it seemed to change shape as he tried to look at it made him feel queasy. Everything about his life up to now had seemed solid and dependable, based around standards of integrity as ancient and unyielding as monoliths. His Mum and Dad had made it plain that they expected nothing less from him. He must not be as others were, sloppy minded and careless of the value of honest dealing.

But all that was back there, at home, out of view. He wanted to stop, to go back. But the train was in motion and the ticket in his hand was for a one way journey and somehow he already knew that the gift he had been given, this brazen insight, was something that he would have to carry with him, concealed, all his life. And with that, anxiety, a feeling he had not known until he tried to build his dream car, welled up again inside his stomach and churned and burned like an acidic hunger.

*****

At the grammar school, Chris found himself alone, buffeted and mocked by boys tougher than he was, beaten in class by people who were brighter than he was and knew more than he did, humiliated on the rugby pitch and on the athletics field and in the swimming pool. Each day he could feel himself shrivelling inside. He wanted to cry, to howl out his misery but he knew that any slight display of weakness would be caught and picked on. He wanted to run away but he couldnt let his parents down. He couldnt let them see him defeated. It couldnt be his failure.

His stomach began to hurt again. It wasnt much but it was enough to make a start.

Yes, Hatch?

Please, sir, I dont feel well. I think Im going to be sick.

Take yourself to the office, boy.

And on the way to the office, he found he had induced a cold sweat. He heard himself sounding disorientated. He hadnt intended it but some part of his brain had taken over the task of lending authenticity to his ploy. And in moments he had his permission to go home. He checked himself from showing any sign of pleasure or relief and by the time the bus came he almost believed that he was ill. And his mother received him with concern, put him to bed, brought him hot milk and honey.

In time, he could set himself off within the space taken up by the first hymn of Assembly.

His schoolwork suffered. It wasnt just the missed days. It was the homework not done because he was afraid of committing to paper and risking the red crosses and starkly scrawled admonitions that showed he had got something wrong. It was the books he couldnt concentrate on because he was afraid he wouldnt be able to make sense of the words. It was the times when the teacher asked if anyone needed something explained and his hand remained down because to raise it would risk admitting that he didnt understand. But, as if to confirm the rules of his ordeal, just as it had been with the balsa wood car, none of this brought investigation or judgment or punishment. At worst, an end-of-year report would say disappointing, or could try harder. And nobody asked him what was wrong.

He lived his days now in a fog of terrifying unhappiness and fear and his nights chasing away dreams filled with anxieties and recriminations. He felt a drenching cold loneliness even in company but still he must perform for those around him. This was his punishment, his penance. Every day he rose and put on the make-up of a dutiful, sensible schoolboy and went out onto the stage to play his part. It was all they wanted of him. His teachers would speak positively about him and his parents would lap it up. Because, he realised, they were not looking at him at all. They were looking at the image he had created for them, the image of a boy he had once learned to be to gain the grown-ups approval, quiet, well-spoken, polite. It was what they wanted to see and they could not, did not want to, see behind it to the tired and frightened child anxiously holding up the mask for them to admire.

Once, just once, Chris tried to talk to his mother about the sadness and anxiety that he felt inside. She shut him down in an instant. Nobody wants to know, Christopher. Christopher. The name she reserved for when she was displeased.

At the time it had seemed so cruel. Only later, when he had come to understand his own condition, did it dawn on him that she had been chiding herself, not him.

Failure succeeded failure, each one dressed as success. His O and A levels a mess. A poor degree. A poor showing in his Bar examinations. A worthless pupillage. And then, when it was plain that he could not sustain himself at the Bar, a civil service job that owed much to his fathers reputation and had the approval of his mother.

He wanted so much to do well but his mind was so wrapped in its own misery that it would not support him. And the world would only accept the version of him that he had painted for their pleasure. Heres the house, heres the door in the middle, here are the windows, two up two down, heres the chimney and heres the smoke. And heres Mummy and Daddy and heres grown up Chris immaculate in his suit and shiny shoes. See how the sun shines on his smiling face. He is a success. He is happy.

To Part III - Happy

#chips #despair

[whence-the-woody]

Hi, I've seen you post things about self care and I was wondering if you could give me some advice. There's this small group of people i have to hang around most days but i think they are kind of toxic. Even the one person I kind of trusted the most among them sometimes acts really shitty, sometimes says offensive things just to make me feel lower than everyone else and at the moment i laugh it off and pretend is all a joke but then i feel really shitty knowing everyone thinks im their clown

(2) and i dont know how to stop them from thinking they can be nice to me one week and then assholes the other week. I have low self-esteem and tht’s why i dont really stand up for myself in those cases but i want to learn how to respect myself so others do too. Everytime i make progress and fell a bit better about the way i protect and defend myself they go and say something horrible and i just laugh, or they use me and i need help :( 

Hi Anon, I’m really sorry it’s taken me a couple days to reply, I just needed to gather my thoughts and feelings and wait until I was in a good headspace. I’m gonna assume that you’re quite young or at least still in school because unfortunately thats the time of life where you really dont get any autonomy in who you spend your days with and because of the crippling pressure to not be the loner you end up sticking with people that years later you realise you never would have by choice. (If im wrong stop reading and send me another message because this will all be useless to you)So, first off let me say that I dont want to tell you what to do or what’s going to be right for you, I can only tell you my own experiences and hope you get something from it. Because let me tell you, reading that message was like hearing from my 14 year old self, its scary how much I relate to your situation (so much so that a part of my brain was like is this a troll? coz how?!?). I spent my days with a small group of girls that started out as my friends - one was my best friend from primary school so I trusted her till she started to change, same as you. I wont dwell on the shitty parts of my experience except to say it was very similar to you, with some incidents that were more out-rightly hostile and worse towards the end, which is why part of what I would say is to make changes now before things escalate as they usually do. It eventually got to the point where I could not take it anymore and being alone with no friends in school was actually the lesser of two evils so thats what I did and honestly it was one of the best things I’ve ever done. At first yeah  it was sad and lonely and I was self conscious all the time but I was better off and I was independent and I learnt how to be alone. I cannot stress this enough, to anyone and everyone, the ability to be by yourself, enjoy it and just sit with yourself is so unendingly valuable - how are you ever going to get to know you if you dont spend some quality time? how will you ever develop who you are if you spend all day every day shrinking yourself so the toxic assholes dont notice you? I spent more time online, I spent more time with my family I spent more time on my studies and I spent more time with myself. In that time I learnt so much about myself, I started to plan what I was going to do with my life, I found things that I loved that formed who I am today, I made friends on this very website that I still hold today, I did the cliche thing of finally getting the haircut and wardrobe that I wanted and I embraced who I was because why the fuck should I or you do any differently? Those toxic people around you wont be in your life forever, you will find better people and maybe even those friendships wont last forever but your relationship with yourself will always matter and there is no better way to grow that then to treat yourself with the utmost kindness and make sure you are being treated the way that you deserve - either by demanding it from people around you or moving on. Again, I cant tell you what would be best for you or what you need so let me just tell you one of the most vivid memories I have of my adolescence: The day that I decided I was done with those toxic “friends” I walked home from school and on the way noticed that the pit of dread in my stomach, the nauseous churning that came with wondering what hurtful thing someone was going to say or do next was gone. But the kicker was that I didnt even notice that feeling until it was gone. I had been living with that actual fear of my “friends” for so long that I hadn’t even noticed it was there until I felt it leave and holy shit was that a fucking freeing realisation. I’m sorry if this rambling answer doesn’t help you, I really hope it does and I hope I hear from you again (maybe even not as anon this time). If this cheesey personal rambling wasnt what you were looking for and doesnt apply to you I really am sorry, I could only offer what I got from your message and the experiences of mine it made me think about, hopefully that makes sense. I really do want to know what you decided to do and If you want to talk specifics and self-care Id be more then happy. 

Namaste xxx (that might not mean anything to you but its the most loving sign off I can offer) 

#personal #like real personal wow #dont read unless its your message #or unless you know i love you #bullying trigger warning #i guess just to be safe #Anonymous #ask