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itscocovance · 5 years

Text

Effort

Vol.III

The Truth According to Coco Vance:

Coucou Cocopuffs ♡

Effort, I’m learning - after extended periods of self-reflection and philosophizing ... because I have too much time on my hands and a hyperactive brain - is unique to the individual.

I mean, I knew this. I’m a sensible person with a not-blunt head on her shoulders who can recognize that we aren’t all capable of the same things, we’re all built and developed differently. Duh.

It is easy to forget, however.

Clearly, the last few days haven’t been my finest. I’ve been - uh - contentious and intense and unable to step back and look at the world objectively - which is something I try to do before charging ahead and having “constructive discussions” with whoever’s behavior has offended me ...

[Dear God, who am I?]

Yesterday, my sweet-kind-lionhearted boyfriend had A Day. Granted, he’d also had A Night (😑), which is entirely on him, so his A Day could’ve been slightly less A-Day-ish -- whatever, not the point! Despite his A Day, he called me up as soon as he was available and let me know that he was on his way toward me. At 6:30PM. (Context: The night before we’d made loose plans to have supper together.)

This, folks, should tell you what you need to know: I had an entire day, left to my own medicated and emotionally-fueled devices, of radio-silence to go straight-jacket-nuts on his ass. And he had no idea because I’d only sent him the sweetest and most encouraging of text messages.

[I have no clue, not an inkling, as to how this man is still in my life. Like. Run, dude.]

Lately, his schedule has changed, become busier. It’s Spring/Summer: baseball season has started (he’s a Sports Guy), he has a course he’s involved in, friends and family are eager to do more in the nicer weather, etc. I give this a thumbs-up. I regard him as someone who requires the attention, the activity. When he’s idle, he very quickly gets depressed.

Since I can’t be there the way I was before, I’m comfortable and happy knowing he’s doing things that get him excited and fill his time productively.

‘Tis a good thing.

Now 👏 What does any of this have to do with effort? Ah-ha! Glad you asked.

Because I was sat on my own, contemplating the universe and deciphering its secrets - *snort* - I found myself comparing the things (I think) I offer our relationship to what (I think) he does. I felt as though I was making more of an effort.

Recently, on his end ... He can’t even pick up the phone to text me and let me know he’s alive until 5-freakin’-PM ... Something that bothers me when I don’t stop to remember that he still has A Life while I navigate all the fun physical side-effects of my meds, alone and in bed all day.

Looking at everything from a distance however, I came to the conclusion that - hey - he does a helluva lot more than I give him credit for, based on both what’s in his wheelhouse and the time he’s balancing.

I mean. He comes to my parents’ house - where neither of us can fully relax - to spend time with me on the days he doesn’t have his course. If we’re napping, he’ll leave, however late, to make the 30min journey back to his place since he’s not allowed to stay the night (comfort zones ... it’s ... yes, I’m an adult-adolescent-mongrel. AKA: A Millennial). He runs my errands (or helps me run them, if I’m mobile), he tries to call me when he has the time and energy to talk (he’s not a morning person right now - he goes through phases), he cooks for me, and will drop his plans to join me for an appointment if no one else is available and I feel too vulnerable or anxious to go alone ...

And I spent yesterday criticizing him. Wanting to bitch him out for never contributing to (what I felt is) our dwindling relationship. The fluff am I putting in right now, huh? Nada. Not that it’s my fault: Medical Things happen to the best of us and can be blindsiding.

After analyzing my reaction to death, I wonder if it came from a place of insecurity? Or ... and here’s the avenue I think I’m going to explore further: In recent years, I’ve been making conscious efforts. I’ve been actively trying to do better by those in my life. Even when I don’t want to do The Thing (depending on what The Thing is and how much energy it requires - energy is a precious commodity in my life right now).

In the past, I was garbage at communication. I was flaky, antisocial, I hated responding to messages or reaching out to friends or acquaintances. Some of this was due to anxiety and the behavioral effects of alcoholism but parts of it were also just me being a dick and not giving a bother.

When I decided to turn things around and improve myself, I began with communication. It’s still a challenge; there are still times when I’d rather ghost everyone and hide under my blankets but I never let it last more than a day or two.

For me, reaching out and being communicative is Making An Effort. For someone else who never had this issue, it could be so natural, it just is. Obvious, simple, straightforward, basic. A task so minuscule, it doesn’t land on the Efforts-Made scale.

And since I’m aware of it, it feels like I’m doing so-fluffing-much when, really ... well. It isn’t all that much at all, is it? To another, I could be expected to do way more and here I am, griping like a diva.

Boy has his own thing going on and he is still doing his best to be there for me. Between baseball games and practice and his course and errands for his agoraphobic mother and friends who use his apartment as a hub ...

This could be a sign that I need a little more in a romantic relationship, it could be that I’m feeling the depressive effects of Keppra, it could be a myriad of things. But 👏 From now on, I’m going to press pause before I go Norman Bates on anyone’s ass over how much of an effort I think they’re making. Because, Goddamn, to anyone looking at me it must seem like I’m doing the bare minimum when, in fact, I’m working harder than I ever have before.

- xx

❀❀❀

Vol.I

Vol.II

#effort #big sister advice #cocovance blogs #cocovance writes #blogger #blog #making an effort #efforts made #efforts #medication #side-effects #relationships #communication

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itscocovance · 5 years

Text

Reliable

The Truth According to Coco Vance:

Coucou Cocopuffs ♡

Since exploring the nature of effort-making and what that means to me, my thoughts wandered to the realm of Reliability. I find the two are intimate bedfellows - Effort and Reliability - and decided to expand on my own questionable experiences therewith.

Let’s get into it:

I wasn’t always the most reliable human on the planet. In fact, I’d say I was the WORST at being there when I said I would be or making my intentions a reality. I rarely followed through and accomplished what I said I was going to do (whether for myself or others).

It wasn’t as if I was agreeing to things that required me to muster a significant amount of energy, social or otherwise. Nah. Even the smallest things like - like promising to make my bed would be too difficult 🙄 Never mind being punctual or answering the phone for friends or doing whatever simple task I said I’d do to alleviate someone else’s stress.

Being who I am today and looking back, I recognize my selfishness for what it was. Yes, there was also a dappling of severe and unaddressed anxiety but, for the most part, I simply didn’t want to do whatever it was I’d either agreed to or been asked to do (the former being worse since I honestly thought I would get whatever ish done - save the day, be the hero, blah blah blah. My intention was to be helpful but ... intentions don’t matter when your actions are lacking).

It took years (Y E A R S) for me to confront the notion that I was pretty balls at being a reliable person and why that was. Reliability isn’t necessarily something a person is born with, an inherent trait. It can be learned, exercised and strengthened. And, gosh darnit, lemme tell you I exercised the ISH out of it. To the best of my ability.

See, the problem wasn’t so much that I was agreeing to everything under the sun without consideration (... well - uh - yes it was but that’s not the whole truth), it was that I wasn’t being honest with myself and what I was actually willing to do (and would therefore get done).

I’m the type who, if I take on too much, gets easily overwhelmed and, as a result, will let everything fall to the wayside while I hide under the covers and ignore the world. OR I’ll get the bare minimum done and act like I’m some magnanimous Wonderperson who deserves the respect of having tried to do The Thing.

[For some reason, this selfishness or laziness or however-you-perceive-it-ness never extended to the workplace. My work ethic is incredible. My personal-life-ethic should’ve been tarred and feathered.]

Since reflecting on this less-than-awesome aspect of myself, I’ve been able to be honest with my friends and family when they ask for favors or want to make plans that I feel I may not be excited about - I don’t cancel altogether. I simply make known that, “Hey, my anxiety is being a pain so I’ll confirm closer to the date but, yeah, that sounds like it’ll be interesting!”

When it comes to agreeing to do something for someone else - a more task-oriented favor that ends up being the most mundane and time-consuming and eye-twitchingly-terrible thing - I take a moment to think (REALLY THINK) about what I’m agreeing to: Will I be the one to get it done to the best of my ability? Am I likely to do half the job and call it a day? Will I ignore this until both I and X-Person are stressed as fluff because I decided I couldn’t do The Thing?

I have no problem doing what I can, which may mean that I’m only getting 50% of whatever task done. Still, at least whoever asked me to help is fully aware of that beforehand!

Obviously there will be times when I take on a handful of chores that I suffer through every moment doing because someone I care deeply about is having a rough time. In those instances, regardless of my disposition, I will FORCE MYSELF to get ish done. It’s only right. You can’t expect to get through life with solid friendships if you don’t make a few compromises here and there.

Reliability is more about being consistent, honest with yourself and others, understanding what you can and can’t do and presenting it to those around you whether they like it or not (because, au moins, they’ll have the facts and they can make of them what they will).

If you’re like me and can’t give a large portion of your energy to something for someone else, don’t lie to make yourself seem more saintlike to others. In the end, you’ll regret it because, ‘What have I done?’ and they’ll regret it because, ‘What have we done!?’

I don’t wanna be the bane of someone’s existence because I think I can take on a project I don’t have the willpower, focus or very-minor invested interest to do, and then ... it burns in flames because that's the easiest way to make it all end before I tear my hair out and become a supervillain.

Is that what you want?

- xx

#reliable #reliability #beingreliable #honesty #communication #lifetruth #wisdom #truth #cocovanceblogs #blogger #blog #cocovance #MRI #self-reflection #selfreflection #hospitals #appointments #big sister advice

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itscocovance · 5 years

Text

Effort

Vol.II

The Truth According to Coco Vance:

Coucou Cocopuffs ♡

Yesterday, I wrote about making an effort and being realistic about what we, as individuals, are capable of in regards to that. Between then and now, something occurred that prompted me to elaborate on an aspect of what is a super-generalized idea. Because nothing is one thing and most things are multi-faceted. Truth.

I stand by what I said, don’t get me wrong; I sincerely believe that we need to cut ourselves some slack when it comes to what we’re expected (or what we think we’re expected) to do come Dramageddon 3.0 in our loved ones’ lives.

That being said, there is another layer to this onion of Life Truth that I want examine: What efforts we expect from others when going through a Dramageddon of our own.

Something occurred in my life that caused me to wonder: Am I asking too much? Am I being too demanding? Is the effort being put forth lazy or actually all This Person is capable of at the moment?

Feel free to disagree with anything I have to say, I won’t discount it. A good ol’ discussion is never a bad thing.

After some thought and self-analysis, I came to the conclusion that there are different levels of expectation vs effort received depending on the type of relationship you share with someone. What’s normal and what is unacceptable. You may want to examine a few things more closely: Is this right? Is this okay with me? Am I comfortable receiving X when I need Y from them?).

We all have friends, family, lovers, acquaintances, people who exist on the cusp of our lives and strangers, and so many others in between. We have those we’ll make more of an effort for and those we may only offer a hug emoji to followed by a brief “hope it works out”.

And this goes both ways.

There are those we won’t bother seeking out for support because, while it’s nice to spend a Friday night with them in a very loose and casual group-setting, they aren’t who we would disclose private and personal information to (more the type who we’ll make small-talk with because we have mutual friends who’ve abandoned us both and we don’t know anyone else and, hey, we like the same Netflix shows so what’s the harm in sloppily dissecting Russian Doll to death over too many vodka sodas?). It just makes sense given the nature of our relationship with them.

But, naturally, there are those in our web of ‘ships we require (therefore expect) MORE from.

As there are folks we know won’t make themselves available to be a shoulder to cry on, we have friends and family members we want to depend on to be there when we’ve hit a low-point. The dynamics are different. We trust them not to judge us at our worst and hope they can wrap us in comfort and take away the hurt.

Frankly, that’s not always going to happen.

If going through this maelstrom of ish a second time has taught me anything, it’s that NO ONE is capable of being there ALL THE TIME, at exactly the time you need them most. Some are, don’t get me wrong. But not everyone. That’s fair. Unfortunate, disappointing, but fair.

It’s important in this instance to communicate what you believe you need from someone. Talk it out. Especially when you feel you aren’t getting what you think you deserve given how you perceive the dynamic of your relationship to be. This (THIS, FRIENDS) should be addressed.

In my case, I had communicated what I needed the night before an anxiety-inducing medical test. (MRIs are the fluffing worst.) I specified that I needed to hear from This Person before the appointment; that it would comfort me, distract me, make me feel loved and supported. This Person agreed to - what I considered - my very simple request. I wasn’t asking for the moon, I know I was being reasonable.

Come the day of the appointment? Radio. Fluffing. Silence.

Naturally, I was upset by the lack of effort made on behalf of This Person after I’d expressed what I’d need from him and had received a wholehearted: No worries, I’m there for you!

I learned a few ugly truths that day but, after screaming bloody murder unloading and discussing what happened with This Person, I was able to understand why I didn’t hear from him and he was able to understand why I was so hurt by - what I took as - his neglect to make a fluffing phone call. We communicated, albeit roughly at first, and we worked through it.

See, This Person was familiar with his friends and loved ones’ reaching out when they needed a supportive Bro to listen to or be there for them without scheduling a comfort-call. The fact that I hadn’t just phoned him when I didn’t hear from him was, to his mind, bizarre. Even though I’d made clear that I wanted him to be the one to phone me. He’d never had to handle-with-care someone as hypersensitive as I am.

Currently, writing this out makes me feel cringy: I should’ve picked up the phone and rang him myself. However, at the time, it was as if I wanted to test him since, throughout the duration of our relationship, he wasn’t the best at making an effort for me (to my mind, that is).

The point I’m trying to make is: If you feel like you aren’t getting what you deserve from someone given what’s going on in your life, speak up. Figure out what you want/need from them and ask. You may be disappointed to learn they can’t offer more or you may be pleasantly surprised by their willingness to try (which is all we, as humans, can do. Try). At least there’s open communication, clarity and honesty.

It ain’t easy, it ain’t comfortable, however it’s worth it when it comes to your peace of mind. Trust me.

- xx

❀❀❀

Vol.I

#relationships #effort #effortswemake #makinganeffort #makeaneffort #friendships #partnerships #support #love #family #cocovanceblogs #blogger #cocovance #blog #self-reflection #self-care #big sister advice

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