Bullet Train: K.I.S.S. and crank the Beyonce
Have y'all ever taken a ride on a bullet train? I've ridden The Superman ride before... (remember that?? Is that still around??) I don't know how fast that is, but when I rode it, I thought I was going to die. It was puke city for some as well. Think about vomit flying at your face at an excessive speed.
Then, I went and rode it again :)
Bullet trains can get up to about 250 mph. I'm not sure The Flash can run that fast.
Imagine yourself on any train, and all of a sudden, Brad Pitt boards, and then some of the peeps from the show "Atlanta", then Bad Bunny, then Joey King (which btw how is she only 23 years old? I feel like she's been around forever. She should be at least 35. Vamp? Yeah, I'm onto you, Joey.) and Hiroyuki Sanada (can't make a movie involving Japan and swords without him).
Pretty cool, right?? THEN, you learn that they're all assassins, hellbent on killing each other.
Would you even get off of the train, if you could? I wouldn't. That list of characters, being stylish, about to unleash chaos... I'd want to see where this is all going. Now, THAT would make a good ride - If you added actors, playing killers, wreaking havoc, all while you're on some super-fast contraption, and avoiding airborne puke... and other bodily fluids.
YES!
Brad Pitt (who plays "Ladybug") was once a ruthless assassin, but lately has been on some spiritual enlightenment kick.
Like he went to a party with Aaron Rodgers and Joe Rogan, took some pills, opened his third eye, and saw Jesus playing video games with Buddha.
Now, Ladybug is... well, still an assassin, but all about personal growth, and therapy, and peace, and grace, and gluten-free, and sparkling water, and such.
Right off the bat, Brad Pitt is making me chuckle. I loved him in this role.
You might say, "How can you be chuckling when assassins are around, probably doing assassiny things?"
There is a lot of murder, and torture, and children being put in danger, and psychopathic devices, yet... yeah, chuckles.
There's a scene in which 17 kills are described in detail, and it was a delightful experience.
David Leitch (who directed this movie - along with Deadpool 2, John Wick, Hobbs & Shaw, Atomic Blonde... yeah :) has sprinkled his magic all over this film.
I had fun with this movie, but from the looks of Rotten Tomatoes, some others did not:
54% critics 78% audience (last I checked)
What do they have to say, you ask?
"filled with chaotic, confusing, almost nonstop violence that becomes tediously boring." (I'm with ya, until the "tediously boring" part. That's like having sexy time with a partner who dresses up like a clown and makes sounds like a duck when they get excited, and you say that you were bored with them in bed. You may call that whatever you'd like, except "boring".)
"Bullet Train keeps getting slowed down by flashbacks to exceptional violence and cutesy phone banter... " (How's that bad? and "slowed down"?!)
"... this comedic thriller spins its wheels without any meaningful dramatic substance beneath the surface spectacle"? (that's what you were looking for? did you even watch the trailer?)
"Bullet Train is shooting nothing but blanks." (Proud of that one are you?)
Look, I'm not the guy who needs everyone think/feel how they think/feel about things (no one likes that guy), but I am genuinely curious how I'm seeing this so differently than these folks.
I was expecting a fun, slick movie about assassins on a train, and that's what this is.
You wanted more of a plot? - I mean... while they're killing each other, they all want a certain briefcase - plot enough for me.
I say that simple works best:
"Lord of the Rings" - I liked it, but... it's just 9 hours of a group of hippies trying to destroy a ring.
Simple.
Beyonce's "Renaissance"
Simple. Not knocking it, and I like it, but it's just a forty year old going clubbing and having sex (and lots of it... everywhere:) Again, I like it, but some act like it's Mozart or something.
I recently watched "Nope". People were irritated that I didn't show enough respect to Jordan Peele's "masterpiece"; mad that I didn't get it. No, I got it... is there more? No offense, but the "lesson" there was one that you'd hear on some stoner's podcast. Too much going on for a dull payoff (in my humble opinion). Gotta keep it simple.
Sometimes, you just go down the street for milk and a pack of smokes - that's not an interesting story to be told, BUT if you add assassins to that story, and something about Brad Pitt - please tell me more! I don't care about your core plot, just give me the good stuff.
What am I missing?!
Plus, I'D say (humbly) that this film DOES have some depth. not a wow-factor "omg you just blew my mind" type of depth (that I was looking for in "Nope":), but this flick has a lot to do with fate and how our paths connect. When you leave the theatre and start peeling away some of that... it gets fun.
But, maybe I was high or something when I went to see this movie, cuz no one else seems to think this :)
But, I'M with you, Brad! You and me, buddy! If you make a sequel, I'm down - call me.
I really hope this becomes the next "Fast & Furious". I want to see at least 8 more Bullet Trains! Bradchise here we come!
The only issue I had with this movie was its length. It could have been trimmed 30-40mins, but I still enjoyed it.
Grade: a surprising A-
I will take one thing back - you CAN have a lot of action and still be bored. The recent movie "The Gray Man" proved this.
However, that movie took itself way too seriously. "Bullet Train" knows what it is.
It's a party where it's loud; really loud (Beyonce is cranked!), and everyone is popping pills and getting sweaty and sexy on the dance floor (the under-sized living room).
But, you've gotta be up for that. I get it.
Sometimes, you want a quiet evening at a hipsters crib, with fancy drinks and convo. A party with a couple of Karens around to call the police when they think the party next door needs to turn down the Bey, and be more mature like them.
To each their own :)
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