#don't look at me im thinking of monster prom | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chasingfictions · 2 years

Note

Hi!! I would love to hear all the reasons you think Spuffy are the best match for each other and why you prefer them to Bangel. (Same, by the way :))

ok bestie hello this is an insane question first of all because no one should just give me free reign to talk about spuffy bc i could very well be here all day

first i'll say! i dont like, hate bangel. dkjfkdsf i feel like every time i reblog an anti bangel post i have the tag '#anti bangel #i dont hate them but tagging for blacklists" etc etc. because like, to me spuffy and bangel are just serving very different narrative functions, you know? and i think they both do those narrative functions very effectively! like there are levels and levels and levels to this.

but if we wanna look at it in the most basic terms of story structure, i consider bangel a tragedy in the classical sense and spuffy a comedy in the classical sense. when i say comedy i dont necessarily mean humor (though also i DO bc, as my catchphrase goes, spike btvs said it's always a joke and it's always serious!!!).

simply speaking: tragedy ends in despair and comedy ends in joy. [insert requisite 'obviously it's much more complicated than that but that's not what we're here to talk about' here] ... anyway this is gonna be Long so i'm readmore-ing bon appetit

bangel & the tragedy of heteronormativity

like i know spuffy has the reputation as like the tragic and edgy and depressing of the two ships, and i do get why, but to me bangel fulfills that function much more profoundly. they just ... don't work. like, for this lovely shining moment they do, and they're so caught up in each other, and it's that first love insanity of you can't even process what's happening you're just so totally overcome with the feeling. but critically that lasts for like, a second? like, it's basically "the dark age" to "surprise" that bangel is like, officially together and dating and happy. this is also coincidentally my favorite bangel era! like, just a freaky slayer and her freaky creature of the night boyfriend and they're horny and obsessed with each other and making out in cemeteries and having monster-face makeouts at the ice rink when buffy still has demon blood on her skate blades :))) like :)))) that's the good stuff :)))

ive also seen buffy just like, a million times, and i definitely had a lot more tenderness for them in a romantic sense on earlier watches, and then rewatching this time around i realized really all of that tenderness is basically about that era, which lasts for a narrative second. like the thing that struck me during my current rewatch of s1 and s2 is how long they spend in this weird posturing communication breakdown cycle and circling around each other like cage fighters. and they do have some moments in s3 that romantically-speaking i find compelling — or ok, just the "bad girls" arm jump is coming to mind right now but im sure there are others maybe lol (and even the bad girls arm jump is like,,, okay liam if buffy summers jumped into MY arms at the bronze i would experience a moment of spiritual ecstasy and yet you are not remotely looking like youre having a good time .... get help and appreciate her more).

but also the other thing that struck me in this rewatch of s3 is they break up like, every other episode? which narratively i do find equal parts hilarious and compelling from a structural standpoint. like okay obviously they are broken up to begin with in "beauty and the beasts" (broken up is kind of a hilariously small description for what they are at that point, but we're itemizing here). and then they friend break up in "lovers walk." and then they get back together in "amends" and break up again / go on a break in "enemies" and then reconcile in "earshot" and then break up For Real in "the prom" and then have that mini-reconciliation in that same episode and then are obviously still full of romantic context in "graduation day: part i" and she calls him her lover and they essentially have a sex scene when he bites her, and then they break up for good for good in "graduation day: part ii" ... pause for intake of breath bc i do feel like i just ran a marathon

— and to me that speaks to their asynchronousness!!! like the beauty and also the tragedy of bangel is that they almost work, and they want to work, but they can't, and they don't. like, to me they're just not equally matched as a couple. angel has this frustrating paternalism towards buffy (see: calling xander "just a kid" and telling faith she's "not much more than a child" and soulless angel calling buffy "kiddo" and it's like okay so clearly you do see her as naive and childlike and that's a Weird Relationship To Have To Your Partner...). He's constantly making these unilateral decisions that affect them both without consulting her — "i will remember you" is a great example of this to me. like people lift that up as a reason their relationship would work if they were just "normal." but in that episode angel makes a decision to alter buffy's memories and timeline and doesn't even tell her afterwards. or in "graduation day" — like obviously you can break up with your partner at any time you're allowed to do that, but the fact that he says he's just going to leave town and not say goodbye? to me feels needlessly cold and manipulative. there's also the fact that i think angel is much more of a person when he's not with buffy. neither of them really feel relaxed or silly or lighthearted around each other. it's always life or death and pain and terror and wanting, for the most part, with very minor levity.

and, to that point, i think the other really compelling narrative tragedy of bangel is the impact it has on buffy's relationship to her own slayerness and — conversely — to her queerness. im not gonna go into a big thing here on exactly why being the slayer is analogous to being queer because that's a whole nother essay? but blah blah "have you tried not being a vampire slayer?" / "i've tried marching in the slayer pride parade" / the "new moon rising" conflation of willow dating tara with buffy dating demons etc etc etc. like, one of the reasons i have warm feelings about early/mid-s2 bangel is that I think it's the queerest era of their relationship. it's buffy revelling in her "cradle robbing creature of the night boyfriend" and being attracted to his vampirism and "you're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense". s2 bangel is compelling because it's freaky. because it's monstrous. it's sexual and messy and strange has undertones of queerness.

and then, of course, "surprise" / "innocence" happens. buffy is punished by the narrative and by angel for giving into her desire for this monster. buffy spends the next half a season being terrorized and watching people she loves die or almost die because of it. and then when s3 happens, you can't just go back to how it was! they're fundamentally altered by the trauma of s2! the freakiness of them is gone and instead they're playacting heterosexual normality because anything else is Unsafe. it's in the way buffy starts dressing somewhere between a housewife and jackie kennedy (which ok is also related to her feeling destabilized by faith and that whole bi panic but one thing at a time). it's in angel's nightmare about buffy bursting into flames after their big empty church wedding. it's in the mayor, this figure of patriarchy incarnate, telling them they can never have a "normal" relationship and angel believing him. when like, mister liam of galway she's a vampire slayer, normal was never even in play. it's in — critically! — angel breaking up with buffy by calling their relationship a "freakshow." that bit will never not break my heart.

so yeah when i say i don't hate bangel that's kind of what it's about? like they're not my favorite relationship but i do think they're an important story. tbh that's my relationship with most ship media like, even if something isn't your thing it does still fulfill a narrative function. and like, to me the narrative function of angel is to be the boyfriend buffy gets over. to be the first love and the adolescent wound. to be the trauma she can recover from in order to learn how to love again in a healthy and adult way.

spuffy & the comedy of queer futurity

OKAY so that brings us to spuffy im about to get SO insane hello!!! hello!! literally Hello Okay. i dont even?? dfkldsjfsdjf anon i hope u know this is an INSANE ask i think about them all day every day and the idea of summing up WHY and having it be COHERENT is just?????? like bangel i have cohesive enough thoughts about to be like yeah this is my argument for why i feel the way i do but spuffy is like????? ok i have a personal theory that u dont choose ur btvs endgame ship it chooses you. like spuffy gripped me by the throat at age 13 and said hello!! and i said oh ok!!! ok i'll think about you forever thanks!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you!

but OKAY on the narrative thread of bangel as this ship of heteronormative tragedy, to me spuffy is this ship of queer exaltation. spuffy as a queer relationship has been much expounded on already — like we've all seen @johnaeryns's lesbian spuffy manifesto which is art and changed the timeline by the way!!!!

ANYWAY. like queer spuffy is in the secretness of their relationship, it's in "you think i haven't tried not to?" it's in "i'm all stay-inny" it's in "this? with you? i know it's wrong" it's in "it's wrong, i'm wrong, tell me that i'm wrong please," it's buffy turning what angel used to break up with her back on spike, angel saying "you deserve more than this freakshow" and buffy telling spike "last night was the end of this freakshow." it's in the way buffy feels so much shame about her relationship with spike, the way she hides it. the way a lot of that comes from the angel trauma. angel tells her she should find a "normal" guy so that's just what she goes out and does, and pursues riley, except riley can't really Understand her. like biley to me feels like the experience of being bi in a relationship with a straight person who doesn't really Understand.

and that's the thing about spike, is he understands. it's the way spike comes into the narrative as a New Kind of Vampire who does in the old stodgy vampire cults and buffy comes into the narrative as a New Kind of Slayer who has friends and a life. and they're marked as parallels by the text in this way from the Beginning. school hard red stripes my Beloved <3333.

it's the way in becoming part ii which is forever my favorite episode of tv, buffy has no one, by the narrative's own declaration. it's buffy saying "i got nothing left to lose" and spike saying "i'm all you've got" and buffy's "me" to angel's "take all that away and what's left?" it's buffy's "no, i don't" to angel's "you really think you can take us all on by yourself?" and it's the fact that buffy's whole life is falling apart and everything is ending, she's lost kendra, she's lost angel once and is about to lose him again, she's lost her place in the real world with her expulsion from school, she's lost her place in her family by being kicked out and then here's this guy. this vampire who's on her side and who likes the world enough to save it even though he shouldn't want to and there's something about buffy telling whistler "well why don't you try fighting evil for a change because i'm sick and tired of doing it myself" and here she's not doing it herself??? because spike???? is here??????????

it's the queerness of spuffy in how spike is present for her literal coming out, it's the way they fit so easily together when they have no right to, which itself is a queer narrative. it's, all in that same episode, with their easy banter about the band and the way they instinctively work together in a fight and the way the fact that he's even invited to her house indicates this bizarre undercurrent of trust and understanding. this feeling of alignment and affinity that transcends other bonds and boundaries.

it's the way they match each other, and how that matching is explicitly tied to buffy's identity as a slayer, to her as a fighter, to her connection to the demon world, to the things that give her symbolic queerness (she also has lots of non-symbolic queerness, but again, one thing at at a time, like if we had to also get into how gay buffy is for cordelia and kendra and faith we'd be here all day). it's "i'd rather be fighting you anyway" / "mutual" and it's "you think we're dancing?" "that's all we've ever done" and it's "but i can't fool myself. or spike for some reason" and it's the way the fight is a dance to buffy and spike recognizes that, it's the way spike just knows her.

fool for love is insane for this reason (and many others) it's buffy seeking out knowledge about her essence, herself as a slayer, and she turns to spike. it's spike having insight, its the way spike is obsessed with slayers, and that's another element of the queerness of spuffy imo. a vampire psychosexually obsessed with slayers. a slayer psychosexually obsessed with vampires. the way being a slayer is already being a Woman But Wrong and buffy queers it even further with her erotic fascination with the monsters she's meant to kill, and spike's always already meeting her in the middle, because he's been obsessed with slayers since he knew what they were. the way spike's coat, the symbol of his selfhood, is a slayer's coat and a woman's coat and they're both meeting in this middle ground of Wrong Weird Queer Fucky Gender and are Understanding Each Other in that middle ground.

it's the way buffy understands the hero in spike that's not supposed to exist because he's supposed to just be a monster. it's the way spike understands the monster in buffy that's not supposed to exist because she's supposed to just be a hero.

it's season 5, the insanity of spike falling in love with a hero and slowly learning to be good for her, and he doesn't know how and he shouldn't even be able to learn how but he does, the way he's willing to sacrifice his life for dawn and in "intervention" and "the gift" he's prepared to do just that. this is one of the main reasons i talk about spuffy as soulmates but he doesn't have his soul yet. that spike as a human was so full of love, that love is still is guiding principle as a vampire, that it in places acts as almost a bootleg soul. it's "i don't smell a soul anywhere on you, why do you care?" - "i made a promise to a lady." it's buffy kissing spike for the first time because of his heroism in "intervention," and her letting him back in the house in "the gift" because of that same heroism and the trust they've built, it's going back to that same line in becoming part ii. "the truth is, i like this world." like the truth is he likes this world and he's not supposed to and buffy is sworn to protect the world and it's just!!! it's a little symphony is what it is.

and it's also!! spike understanding the monstrousness of buffy! this is the bit most people focus on with them, and why they have the reputation they do, but i truly think s6 spuffy is generally just so??? beautiful??? it's spike's"clawed her way out of a coffin that's how. i've done it myself" and it's buffy's "i can be alone with you here" and it's buffy who's died and experienced this insane trauma and the person who can understand it with her and make her feel okay is someone who's died too. it's "you have to go on living, so one of us is living," and just!!! the poetry of a dead man being the one to help you learn to live again.

it's the way that genuinely i read s6 spuffy as making buffy genuinely happy in those moments when her own shame isn't guiding her. it's the ecstasy of "smashed" and the fear of "wrecked" and "if you tell Anyone about last night, i will kill you" and the fact that in "gone" when no one can see buffy having sex with spike, she's giddy about it, she's delighted, she's nibbling his ear in front of xander and having fun doing it, it's her in "older and far away" and "as you were" clearly wanting spike but not wanting it to be in or near her house, where people could see, it's "dead things" and the way she's genuinely happy with him in his crypt and laughing and it's "hells bells" him making her laugh at the wedding and it's the fact that in "normal again" we get this dual glimpse of buffy just wanting to talk to spike about what happened at the wedding / flinching away when her friends so much as see her talking to him in a friendly way / him revealing that when they were together he'd put ice on the back of her neck and giving a peak to this quiet domesticity that existed alongside the torrid affair. it's how in "entropy" all he wants is for her to tell her friends about them. i know i said this above but it's literally tara, a lesbian, asking buffy if she's ready to "come out" about spike and buffy saying no, she's "all stay-inny."

it's the way s6 spuffy is SO easily read as being closeted in a queer relationship. the way that buffy feels free and happy and hot getting to have rough, inhibition-free sex with spike but feels shame whenever it's mentioned in words — "that may be how you get off but it's not my style" "no, it's your calling" / "you were like an animal" "i'm not an animal." like, the more i rewatch the show the more i feel like the fundamental quote-unquote-toxicity of s6 spuffy isn't the relationship itself, it's the resounding shame about the relationship (how many times can i say "shame" in one essay on tumblr dot com about vampires n queerness lmao). the fact that in relationships that are either normative (biley) or trying hard to be normative (bangel), the interplay of sex and violence for slayers is allowed and buffy can revel in it but in relationships that are queer either textually (fuffy) or subtextually (spuffy), suddenly buffy has to be ashamed of that, because what does that say about her?

and it all goes back to becoming ii! it's "mom, i'm a vampire slayer" and "well have you tried not being a vampire slayer?" and she literally HAS, she's tried everything she CAN and will continue to! throughout the series! it's the way that dual trauma—being kicked out of the house for being gay a slayer and having to kill angel after losing him because of her forbidden desire for this monster??? tell her that she's Wrong, that she has to be Normal, that she has to Deny what she wants and the way she is and wants is Wrong.

it's the way that spike is buffy's shadow, the way that in season 6 she goes to him because she wants to feel good, she wants to feel, period, and her expressing affection and desire for this monster who mirrors her is also her expressing affection and desire for the things she feels shame for about herself. it's the way buffy doing violence against spike is textually her doing violence against herself (see: faith beating up her own body in "who are you?" → buffy beating up spike in "dead things).

i also dont want to give the narrative too much credit here because one of the reasons buffy is so compelling as a show is the places where it fails and comes short. it's such a rich text to talk about queerness and shame and desire and womanhood precisely because the show itself is full of hangups about those very things. obviously this is a segue into "seeing red" which i'm Not going to go into in depth here, i dont really feel like talking about it because frankly i dont need to go on a long tangent about sexual violence right now :) but suffice it to say the fact that the writers room was like "okay we need the audience to Hate Spike because they Like Him Too Much" and their immediate thought was "right let's write in a horrific scene of sexual violence that will traumatize our actors and our audience and also shows that we too believe what buffy believes, that she is wrong for wanting this monster, that she should be punished for having outsized desires and not being more careful and now her and the audience will Learn Their Lesson." anyway moving on.

but anyway that brings us to the way spuffy is a comedy, structurally speaking. like i think people often read spuffy as this exclusively dark and twisted story because they a) only associate spuffy with season 6 and b) misread season 6 as being only about dark fucked up sex rather than like, that Desire Can Be Good Actually, Even and Especially When It's Not the Desire You're ~Supposed~ To Have.

but then we get season 7 spuffy???????? season 7 spuffy where they are slowly rebuilding their trust, where spike, who represents the parts of buffy she feels shame about, has sought out his soul, and it gets to be this tangible proof that the things she thought were awful about herself all along were actually always good, always had an innate capacity for goodness!!! and sought out a soul to prove it! the way buffy is so obsessed with spike getting his soul and tells everyone all of the time (see this chef's kiss set from @slayerbuffy ) in part because it's like!! see!!! i'm NOT wrong inside, the vampire im obsessed with had the inherent capacity for goodness all along!!!!! the way spike's ensoulment makes me INSANE because it's AGAIN in the thread of becoming part ii — spike is a vampire and shouldn't be ABLE to want to save the world he shouldn't be ABLE to want a soul or think of it as desirable but he DOES.

it's the way that buffy's relationship trauma has, since angel, been about saying feelings out loud, acknowledging feelings and desires in public, but in season 7 she is fully accepting of her desires verbally. "i'm the one who dates dead guys. and no offense, but they were hotties" and "kind of sallow but in a hot way?" and her and spike getting clocked with their sexual tension by the potentials and andrew and the other scoobies. it's!!! fucking!!!!!!! everywhere!!! it's that buffy hasn't said i love you to any love interests since angel (unless you count the time on ats she told angel she loves riley but i could write a whole separate essay on how THAT is just insane in so many narrative ways) and then?????? in her second to last scene in the series??? she tells spike she loves him???????????? it's spike's speech in "touched" bringing it all home:

I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE. I LOVE WHAT YOU ARE. WHAT YOU DO. HOW YOU TRY. (excuse me while i WEEP).

it's the way she spends what she thinks are her last three nights on earth with him, cuddling in bed. it's the way her last lines of the series are all his name, and telling him she loves him, and their love which once wasn't even allowed to be mentioned out loud, to be even thought of with anything but revulsion, now burns so bright it makes them burst into flames

it's the way spike is so beautiful in the story as buffy's shadow because it means something that spike loves with his whole heart, that he loves every bit of buffy, that he has understood buffy from the beginning, even when they were enemies (see everything i went insane about above about s2) even when they were unlikely allies (see everything i went insane about above about fool for love). and understands her as a friend !!! (see early s6!!!! spike as buffy's confidante!!!). the way he understands her as a lover!!!!!!! (see the speech in touched!!!!). the way buffy hates herself but spike will always love her and he loves her for the fullness of herself and through loving him and through him loving her she can learn to love herself and accept herself fully, no one kicking her out of the house because she's queer a slayer, no one telling her she should want a normal relationship, just this strange gendery queer vampire who loves her forever for the fullness of her, her kindness and her strength, what she is, what she does, how she tries. the best and the worst of her. the way spuffy is about the ultimate affirmation of the self and specifically the queer self. the way spuffy is about finding each other. the way spuffy is about queer futurity, is about "you have to go on living," is about if you keep going and keep trying you can live your full unabashed queer life and spuffy finds that together, this freaky slayer and this freaky vampire, meeting in the middle, and making something new.

it's the way spuffy is this narrative impossibility that wasn't supposed to happen, the way spike was supposed to be this half-season arc villain. the way so much of spike in-universe shouldn't be able to happen, but it does. the way buffy breaks the laws of slayerhood, dying and coming back, loving vampires, changing the entire slayer line. the way queerness is very much on a level about this thing that isn't "supposed" to exist, but it does. and it's beautiful.

and that's what spuffy is to me.

#btvs meta #ask #anti bangel #spuffy #HELLO this has been in my drafts for DAYS because it took so long to write out all these thoughts

336 notes · View notes

border-spam · 3 years

Text

-- Uroboros log - Encrypted E-Call - Or8cle / S0litar3 - source Commercial trade vessel ID 122-J-Prom / Cpt - Seifa A’rosk / SAVED blame=GKT --

(Mid CoV, Ven belongs to @hieroglyphix and JK to @godkingsanointed)

See - I mean of all hthe things. Of all the things you coudl have warned me about in the last what. 4 years now of this? Of telling each other things tht mattered? You could have said nt to take a swing at Troy's stupid fucking face.

See - Hurts so much to type this. God excuse the typos tbh im not doing grea t.

See - I got everything I need tho I'm gd. Take it you know where IM heading yeah? Figure as much at least. I hope this was the right call, Ven. I really hope this was the right choice. Weird cause ive run this through so many times in my head u kno? Wexactly stept by step what I'd do what would happen where I’d go. Shit packed up and stored for a year now, but hey you do actually know that, huh.

See - Feles like my stomach is gone, dropped out of me somewhere back in the cathedral or something. Feels like imnot really here like this whole thing is a dream and I'll waitke up at my desk with a 20 messages I cba reading and a pot of takeout noodles one of you left for me. This doesn’t feel real but it is aint it. Nothing outside the hull cept empty space and silence.

See - Never thought I'd hatee silence, Ven. Wish you were here filling it.

See - Look after JK. Watch out fo rthem. please. Eli is good I;m not worried, you always got Eli, Eli will outlive me I think, probably all of us with how loved he is. But watch out for JK primise me. They love Troy so much that they'll try and pull the monster off his back and that thing is going to be screaming now, Ven. That thing is going to be looking fo sr someone to rip in half and it's not me anymore stanidng in the way of it because I couldn't do it anymore.

See - I'm so fucking sorry man I couldn't do it. Not anymore. I coldnt. Put it off for so long but he was taking everything I had and there was so little left, and then what WAS left he .. he hurt tonight so bad.

See - Been crying for hours now bit Im not really crying you know? tears just dripping down. Can't stop them. Stupid really, eyes hurt.

See - Ven you ever think how funny it would be if verything had been juwt that bit different? Like not this not the COV. Us tho we could have. Like think about it we'd be unstoppable, me and you hahaha. We'd run this fucking galazuy if we wanted, can you imagine. Some bar somewhere we own with a lil casino, luck always somehow on our side? PAir of us could have wrapped anyone we wanted round our fingers we'd be a joke. We'd be terrifying. Could have owned shithoels like Pandora with a little time and a little work. Scam the riches off all those bastards, fucking XAN, oh my god. Leave the prick with nothing, man it would have been so eASY for me and you. Just me and you.

See - Could have saved some kids. Worn ourselves as who we were proud and free not hidden under rules and titles and whatever the hell kind of fake Gods we tried to walk the paths of. It would have been funny wouldn't it Ven, me and you.

See - But Then I think, you know? About how that affects everything tlese. Eli? Without this life Eli wouldn't be here would he. Not now.

See - God sorry, my hand is killing me I'm putting on speech to text.

See - Would JK be alive? Would they have found their lady and their family at all without that cancerous bullshit of a life we joined.

See - And with what he is now still, Troy wouldn't. I know that. Maybe Ty would be, and idk if she would even be something I could CALL Ty, but he'd be dead. I don't know if what I am is worth that. If like. My happiness in some other life, some other choices, is worth all these losses.

See - Maybe that's what it means to care, right? Me and you we get that, don't we. Caring so much about people you want to tell yourself you don't need but you deep down know damn well you'll fade away without. Maybe it means you always sacrifice yourself in the end, your choices, what you could be, what someone else could be with you, all for the people you find yourself loving.

See - Ven I am very drunk right now this was meant to dull the pain till I got base side but whew.

See - Wish this thing had emojis

See - :ass:

See - aww man.

See - Listen.

See - Don't hate him. I think maybe you already can't because you knew, all along, warned me what 2 years ago? Knew and I still saw the way you'd look at him like he was that kind of horrifically embarrassing younger teen brother who's insisted on hanging out with your friends and is SO cringe but you all kinda love him anyway? I know that haha. Don't hate him. You had a terrible life, but Ven, he's had none. Nothing.

See - Idk how much he's told you really, it's not for me to tell, and if you don't know everything, like how they grew up, what happened when they first got here, the things he had to do to make sure she would be happy? Find out. Wait till the monster subsides and he's broken and alone and just. Take that chance. Find out.

See - No one ever really understood why I put up with it all for as long as I could, and I guess I still sound like a moron rn when ur reading this. But if you know, I think you'll understand.

See - Cause me and u Ven. We are so close. man. We are so the same. You're better than I could ever be, but you understand who I am, and if you can understand who I am, you'll understand why I can’t give up on him once you know.

See - Tell E I love him so much. I'll be off grid for a while, gimme a week ok, and then I'll send a vid call and we can all talk.

See - Sorry I won't make it tonight.

See - Sorry, Ven.

-- Encrypted contact ends --

#borderlands #borderlands 3 #bl3 #troy calypso #tyreen calypso #calypso twins #seifa #leech lord #my hcs #my writing #oc: ven #oc: jak-knife #jak-knife #ven

9 notes · View notes

toruland · 2 years

Note

Oh god were opening the flood gates heh

I'm surprised I haven't told you about him sooner, he's had me in chokehold for months and I take any opportunity to talk about him honestly

TW: Death/Parent loss, Cheating(?), Just like general angst honestly, Weed/Drug mention, Monsterfucking (Ig lol)

LONG ASK IM SO SORRY HOPEFULLY IT DOESN'T CUT OFF!!!!

Oof how do I explain Alaska?

I guess I could explain his backstory and then dip into personality a bit, maybe some thirsting?

So his name is Alaska Howler and he's a 7'2", 23 year old werewolf man who's a conceited fuckboy/playboy asshole first and foremost

This is him (art by my lovely moot @/miraclecherryblossomsblog)

So for context Alaska was originally an oc for the multiplayer dating sim called Monster Prom, he was supposed to be the stereotypical asshole character that no one really like but he's hot soooo

And then I gave him Trauma™

Ugh where to start

Alaska lost his father when he was 13 to some unnamed illness, when this happened his oldest brother North (Alaska is the 3rd oldest of 7 children) had essentially patted him on the back and said to be strong for their younger siblings. North was 22 at the time so he could handle the loss a lot better.

Honestly because of this Alaska resented North but we'll get into that more later

So after the loss of his father his relationship of 5 years fell through, he wanted to marry his boyfriend, Neha, but the thing about Neha is he treats people like possessions. He only dates them so he can mark them as "his" while he still sleeps and fucks around as much as he wants. Neha HATES being tied down, the thought of fucking the same person for the rest of his life is sickening to him.

So when Neha felt Alaska was about to propose, he ghosted him.

No call, no text, no note

Just up and left overnight

Had the audacity to even act like he didn't know Alaska when they'd see eachother in public

And Alaska tried so so hard to get Neha back, asked for forgiveness and a second chance because he loved him and what did Neha do? He used that for whenever he wanted some dick on the side, he'd coo to Alaska and say "I'm sorry, let's make up" and "I should've never left you, can we talk?" just to fuck and leave

And Alaska let this happen over and over again because he was hopeful

Alaska: Neha please, I still love you

Neha: Awww Alaska, if only there was someone that loved you~

So least to say this left Alaska into a deep funk, first his dad and now the love of his life, and he just so deep and down on himself for a couple of months

Which makes his confidence so strange

He realized one day "wait, I'm hot af why am I caught up on one person when I can get anyone?", which led him into his fuckboy era

He would dress all nice, flaunt his body with anything that would show his chest or abs, throw parties, fuck and flirt with anyone, specifically girls, and just let loose ig

He also def smokes weed

Which is how he met me coincidentally

I was at one of his house parties, people were talking about it all over campus, and since I was underage (20) I was playing designated driver for my friends

I caught his eye, he'd have the usual people come to his parties all the time but he's never seen me before, so he was watching me for a bit before he made his approach

"Don't think I've seen a pretty thing like you before, can I get you a drink?"

I'd turn, my nerves were already flustered with all the loud noises and being constantly hit on, and ugh I would struggle so hard to look him in the eyes. His gaze is intense, how his eyes roam my body and he has that glint I'm his eyes. I'd look from his chest to his eyes and then back to his chest, the playful wink from his nipple piercings throwing my brain into borderline hysterics.

He's just so pretty ya know?

"I- I can't drink, I'm playing dd for the night and I'm uh not 21 yet. Someone has to get us home in one piece right?"

I'd laugh, god I'd be so nervous.

"Never said it was alcoholic," his eyes would follow my gaze and he'd lean in close. "See something you like mama?"

He'd grab my hand, his big one engulfing mine making me flinch, dragging my palm up his abs and tracing a thumb over his nipple.

"I could show you more~"

I'd yank back like i was burned, struggling to tie a sentence together without stuttering.

"Boy please, I'm not that type of girl."

He'd flash his palms in surrender, getting up and making his way to go flirt with someone else, that fucking smirk still on his face.

The one thing Alaska loved the most was a challenge

So cut to us meeting again and hanging out more, it takes a really long time but Alaska starts to open up more

Talks about himself, his father, his relationship, how he was at such a low point

He starts to hang out with me more ya know? Stops hooking up and partying and just wants to be around me and enjoying my company

He's just a lot happier around me, it's like his life has light again, like he can finally just like talk to someone and really connect

What you don't know at first glance is, because of his father dying and his ex leaving him like that, Alaska has extremely bad separation anxiety

He has abandonment issues and he's touch starved too

It cleaved a spot in his heart and he decided to fill it with anything as a distraction

He wakes up one day and is like "fuck, do I love bee?" like he's emotionally constipated, I didn't mention this before but Alaska meets me 3 years after his breakup which means 3 years of fucking around and being the resident fuckboy

He isn't used to kind words and touches, when he fucks all they care about is his bank account (he's also low-key a millionaire which again I didn't mention sorry) and how good he is a fucking like they never stay, and as much as he longs for someone to hold him or to just stay a bit longer he never vocalizes it

So having me hug and cuddle and compliment, like genuinely compliment him, is such a comcept

ESPECIALLY if I platonically kiss him on the cheek or hand or whatever I can reach

It's complicated for him to realize that I legitimately care about him, the Alaska Howler and not just his fuckboy reputation.

Like the turning point is when I told him I loved him for the first time, it was a long night of tears and him venting and being vulnerable and the morning after we were cuddled up to eachother and he didn't wanna let go

The promises of coming back over his begging for me to stay

"Alaska, puppy, I promise I'll come back okay? After my classes are over I'll come back and you can cuddle me for as long as you want."

I'd hesitate, a look of worry before I just take the plunge and say it

"I love you"

And then leave before my professor locks me out

I let him simmer in it, mull it over and really think about it

Love? Someone loves him?

It uncaps a lot of emotions, emotions he doesn't wanna deal with, so he ghosts me

Hooks up with his fav side price and ignores me for 3 months

It's... hard to accept the one ya know? Like Alaska knew I was the one and he just he couldn't deal with that. He wasn't ready for all those implications, he wasn't ready to settle down I guess. Or he thought he couldn't.

And he was so close to losing me because fuck it's been 3 months and he refuses to talk to me and it hurts to see him flaunt someone else and kiss and hold her so close

It hurts so so much but ugh he isn't mine so it isn't cheating, we aren't dating

But he texts me one night, at like 2am when I'm deep in hw, and he asks to talk to me

To meet at our spot

And I do, as much as my friends tell me not to, I go to him because i miss him so so much and I want this to work

And through tears and endless apologies we make it work, he deleted all his hookups and blocks them on everything because he wants to commit

He wants to be with me

And now we're married with 8 kids, we're in a poly relationship with two other people

Like ugh Alaska is such a puppy when you break down his walls, he's also a lil overprotective but he's just scared of something happening to you

To touch on the resentment of North, Alaska hated him because north had a similar experience, toxic ex and fuck around for a bit, but then North got married and had kids and Alaska was like "if we're the same where's my wife and family?"

There's nothing Alaska wanted more than to get married and have a family in a big house, he wanted to be happy for once

And now he is

Shit this is so so long sorry😅

There's a bit more to talk about if you're interested, I can talk about our other partners, our kids, the ring he got me, how Alaska proposed, all that good stuff -🐝

sorry for the late response, hon, i just got home from the mall about an hour ago and just settled in for the night!

anyways.

HELLO???

this is amazing, i.

also, the fanart has me drooling :(

7’2???

tall people are so sexy immmmamskdkwodlqpdh

bet yall’s kids are real cute too :(((

#bee nonnie #i don’t know why but i felt like i was the only person who made their own characters n stuff just to ship them with myself 😭#THIS IS SO GOOD LIKE ACTUALLY

1 note · View note