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plutodetective · 2 years

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Since that fic about Elijah speaking fast is going around and people are enjoying it, here’s another old fic of mine, about him stimming. It has a lot of internalized ableism, but Daneel helps him through it. It features the AU in which Daneel goes to live with him in Baleyworld, and the one in which he’s somehow alive during Foundation and he and Daneel are Dors’ dads. I hope you enjoy!

Lije was bored. Sarah and Judith were busy doing their homework, and Sarah had promised that if he stayed quiet until they were done she would teach him to play the card game Uncle Boris had given him a few days ago, for his fifth birthday. He had been looking forward to learn, so he ran to get it, and now he was sitting at the table, excitedly waiting for his sisters to be done. He wished he had something to do while they were busy. He wanted to view a book-film, time always passed faster when he was viewing interesting book-films, but he wasn’t allowed to go to the viewing room alone. He had tried watching the girls’ work, but Sarah said it was hard to focus when he was staring over her shoulder. That annoyed him, because her homework was interesting. She was doing math, and there were symbols in her exercises that he hadn’t learned yet, and he wanted to ask her about them, but if he did he would be bothering her, and she wouldn’t teach him the game.

Judith complained about him looking over her shoulder too, but in her case it didn’t break her concentration. She didn’t need any. It was taking her a long time to do her homework because it was very long, but it was boring. It was stuff for little children who were learning to read, and Judith was seven. She had learned all of that years ago. Lije was sure that even he could have done Judith’s homework two years ago, and he didn’t understand why they were making a child her age do exercises like that.

With Judith’s boring homework and Sarah’s need for silence to focus on her math, there was nothing for him to do. He was bored enough that he might even try to ask Father to play with him, if he got home before the girls finished their homework. Father was always too tired to play when he returned from doing the laundry, but Lije was bored enough to try. He hoped his sisters would complete their exercises before Father arrived, though. They were more fun to play with.

But their homework looked like it would take a while. Maybe time would go faster if he thought of a story, since he couldn’t view one? Last week he had viewed some interesting stories about animals. They demanded a lot of imagination, because he had never seen an animal, and all those stories happened outside, but that wasn’t a problem. Lije liked to use his imagination. But which story should he think about? He liked so many of them. What if he thought about what happened to the characters after the end? That was a good idea! What if the rabbit and…

“Stop that, Lije!”

He stared at Judith, startled.

“I didn’t do anything!”

“You’re messing with the cards and making them do a really annoying sound.”

“Am not! Sarah, tell her!”

Sarah sighed as she looked up from her homework.

“You were making an annoying sound with the cards, Lije, but it’s ok, I know you didn’t notice. Hang on,” she said, when she saw his face drop, “I’ll find something for you to study too.”

His mood improved at once and he smiled expectantly at her, his eyes suddenly bright. Sarah shuffled through the contents of their school drawer on the small cupboard on the corner of the room, found a sheet of paper, and passed it to him.

“These are called multiplication tables,” she explained. “You will need to learn them by heart before you can solve exercises like those in my homework.”

He grabbed the paper, nodding excitedly.

“Do it quietly” Judith grumbled, and he decided to ignore her. His gaze had dropped to the bottom of the page, and he’d seen, out of the corner of his eye, that the last number on it was 100. This was exciting. He had never done calculations with three digit numbers before. He decided it would be fun to work his way through the sheet and earn that large number, and patiently started by “1x1=1”.

He had just reached 3x2 when Judith interrupted again.

“Sarah, he’s doing it on purpose!”

“What?” he asked angrily. “I’m just studying!”

“You keep folding and unfolding the top of the page. It’s distracting, and it sort of makes a noise too.”

He wanted to deny, but when he looked at the paper sheet he saw folding marks firmly visible on the top of it. He paled.

“Sarah, I’m sorry! I…”

Sarah sighed again and pressed her hands to her eyes.

“I know you didn’t mean it, Elijah. And I know that sheet by heart, so you can keep it and do whatever you want with it. But go study at your bed. Judith, unless he is being really noisy, if you say that something he is doing on the other side of the room is distracting you, I’ll tell Dad.”

Her voice was suddenly stern, and both her siblings felt chastised. Elijah retired to his bed, feeling that this was deeply unfair. He hadn’t meant to do anything wrong! Why couldn’t they just tell him what he was doing, instead of accusing him of annoying them on purpose, and sending him away from the table? He wanted to tell Sarah she wasn’t being fair, but she looked really tired, and sometimes when he argued with her or asked her for help when she was tired, she started to cry. He loved his sister, and hated to make her cry, so he went to his bed and tried to focus on the multiplication tables. They should be fun enough to distract him until the girls were free to play.

But as he settled on the bed and tried to focus on the paper again, he found he couldn’t. Against his will, his eyes kept glancing nervously between his own hands and Judith.

________________________________________________________

“We need one more to complete the team.”

“What about the new boy?”

“I don’t know, he’s kind of weird.”

“Weird? How?”

“He’s in my class. He doesn’t talk much, and…”

“Dude, his dad just died.”

“I know, but during class he also keeps moving his hands over his desk, like, in circles. It’s weird.”

It was Lije’s first weekend in Children’s Level. Depressed over Father’s death, and intimidated by the new location and rules, he hadn’t made any friends yet. He had been on his way to the bedroom he shared with five other boys to see what they were doing, and try to see if he could join someone at some game or holoshow-watching, when he heard their conversation through the open door. Feeling deeply humiliated, he felt his eyes burning with tears and ran to the Personal to hide them, so it wasn’t until the following weekend that he found out that the other boys had voted for giving him a chance. He joined their soccer game then, and made some nice friends.

He was glad that one of the others liked to play keeper, and was good at it, though. That position usually went to the last kid who joined the team, and to stand still, focusing intensely on something external, wasn’t something he wanted to risk doing around someone who already thought he was weird. Particularly not in a situation in which it would be natural for everyone to occasionally look at his hands.

______________________________________________________

“Dude, how do you do that?”

Lije lifted his eyes from the viewer he was using to study for an upcoming biology test, and frowned at Bob Norton. They were in some of the same classes, and often ended up in the same strip running gangs, but they had barely ever talked. Bob almost always seemed to be bragging about something, without any reason to do so. Some people thought he was funny, but Lije couldn’t say he shared that opinion.

“Do what?” He asked in a bored tone, hoping that the other boy would leave.

“This thing you were just doing with your hand.”

To Lije’s horror, Bob sat down on the chair next to his and, letting his arm dangle by his side, started quickly rotating his wrist.

“It’s not quite right” said Bob, sounding like he was trying and failing to keep laughter out of his voice. “I can sort of imitate your movement, but your arm was doing this weird sound… Was it the speed? Yours was moving like crazy, I can’t copy it.” He laughed. “C’mon, Lije, teach me. It was fun to watch.”

Lije wanted to punch him. It would get him in trouble, especially since they were on school grounds, but it would be worth it. His body, however, refused to obey him. His mind seemed to be drowning in mortification. He could formulate no coherent thought except for “this can’t be happening”, his chest and throat were beginning to feel tight, and he felt desperate with the need to do something, but his body felt heavy, as if it had suddenly transformed into stone, and he found himself fully paralyzed.

“Mr. Norton, may I remind you that this is a library?” interrupted a stern voice. The librarian had approached without them noticing. She ordered Bob to go sit elsewhere, which he did, but not without directing a last mocking smile at Lije.

To celebrate the end of finals week, most high schoolers decided to fully dedicate the following weekend to strip running. Lije led a hour and a half run that was the talk of the entirety of the following week. They specially commented on the boldness of the beginning, in which some really risky maneuvers had meant the loss of all but the top followers in the first ten minutes of the run.

No one ever found out that several of those maneuvers had been specifically planned to target Bob Norton’s weaknesses, nor that later finding out that the plan had worked, and Bob had been the first to get lost (in under three minutes!) on one of the best runs of the entire summer had been the sweetest part of having led that race.

________________________________________________________

“It’s not that it bothers me, Lije”, Jessie said one evening, after warning him that he had been moving his hands strangely again while focused on the work he’d brought home. “I’m just afraid that if I don’t say anything when you do that at home, you may forget and end up doing it at work, and people might talk. And there’s the baby. If when he’s a bit older he sees you doing that, he might copy it. You know how children are, they like to imitate their parents, and he might do it at school.”

Out of all the arguments he’d ever heard as to why he really should find a way to stop his hands from doing those absurd things, this was by far the most compelling.

_______________________________________________________

“Here are the reports you asked for, Mr. Baley.”

“Thanks, Vince.” It was lunchtime. Elijah glanced around and, finding the office almost empty, lowered his voice and asked, “Kid, may I have a word?”

The boy paled slightly, obviously afraid he was about to be reprehended for some fault he hadn’t noticed he’d committed.

“Sure, Mr. Baley.”

“Relax, you’ve done nothing wrong. Actually, this is none of my business, and perhaps I’m wrong to say it. But earlier today I passed by you while you were working on the computers. You seemed very focused, and I don’t think you noticed that you were making a sound that…”

“Oh no,” muttered the youngster. “Not again. Mr. Baley, I am so sorry, I don’t mean to do it, it’s just…”

“Vince, it’s ok. Like I said, it’s none of my business. I only brought it up because when I was younger I used to do something similar, and I know how people can be about it. I see from your reaction that you’ve encountered the same type of reactions I did, and so I thought you might appreciate the warning.”

“I do. I’ll try to be more careful. Mr. Baley, may… May I ask how you managed to stop?”

Elijah grimaced bitterly.

“It wasn’t easy, kid, and I don’t think I can help you there. Mine wasn’t vocal.”

“Oh.”

“But mostly I stayed alert and kept trying.” The boy’s face dropped, and Elijah nodded sympathetically. “I know it’s not easy. I’m sorry, Vince.”

“Thank you, Mr. Baley. For the warning, too. I need to get back to work now.”

He slinked away, looking depressed, and Elijah tried in vain to suppress a pang of guilt. He had hated having to have that conversation, but he’d said what he did for the kid’s own good.

_______________________________________________________

The viewer was set with yet another book-film on early Auroran history, but Elijah wasn’t viewing it. Even as he was setting it, his mind had wandered to the few details he already knew about the case, and they deeply worried him. Things did not look good. Fastolfe would have to be his starting point once he arrived in Aurora, but judging by the information Daneel had given him, the roboticist might not be as much help as Elijah was counting on, as much help as he needed. If he insisted on denying that the crime could have been committed by anyone other than himself, how could Elijah have any hope of beginning to prove him innocent? Did Fastolfe really expect someone without practically any knowledge of robotics to be able to prove that one of the most advanced robots in the galaxy had roblocked spontaneously?

And what if Jander hadn’t? When Elijah embarked, his only concern had been to find a way to prove Fastolfe’s innocence. Earth’s future, and his own personal one, depended on that, and he would have found it hard to believe that anything might happen that could possibly put him under more pressure than that knowledge. But now, having been informed that with Jander gone, Daneel was the only humaniform robot left, he felt the pressure had doubled. He could no longer settle for finding a way to convince Aurora of Fastolfe’s innocence, even if it wasn’t true or if his investigations shed no real light on Jander’s death. He must discover the truth, because Daneel’s safety might depend on it. But he had no idea where to start, and if Fastolfe refused to be helpful…

He was abruptly brought back to the present moment when his gaze happened to fall on his hands and the sight made his entire body feel suddenly cold. They had been moving wildly in front of him, presumably for the past few minutes, without his being conscious of it. Jehoshaphat, he thought, feeling consumed by shame, he thought he had managed to stop that years ago. Quickly, he brought his hands down to his lap and closed his fists to keep them as quiet as possible.

“I’m sorry” he muttered, staring straight ahead, lacking the courage to look at Daneel, who was still sitting behind him, staring patiently at the viewer and waiting for Elijah to start it.

“For what?” He sounded puzzled, but his tone changed almost at once to one of deep concern. “Partner Elijah, are you feeling unwell?”

Before he could answer, Daneel quickly got up and moved to kneel in front of Elijah’s chair. Seeing the worry in his partner’s expression only made the man sink deeper into shame.

“I’m alright, Daneel. I just got lost in thought.”

“That was what thought at first. You seemed focused, so I preferred not to interfere. But now you are looking pale, and I don’t understand what you apologized for. Are you sure you are well? Can I do anything to help you?”

Cold sweat began to form on Elijah’s forehead. He felt nearly as confused as Daneel was. It would never have occurred to him that someone, anyone, could see the sorry display he had just made and not understand why he felt the need to apologize for having inflicted that ridiculous spectacle on them. But Daneel, for some reason (Elijah wondered which. Hopefully, it had to do with his robotic nature, and not with his status as a Spacer. The situation was embarrassing enough without him having to worry about having accidentally given the impression that this sort of thing was common on Earth), had not identified the problem, which forced Elijah to specifically point out and speak about something he had spent forty years trying to suppress and ignore. Shuddering, he forced himself to look directly at Daneel, and struggled to sound calm.

“Don’t worry, Daneel, I assure you I am perfectly fine. People…” his voice got stuck on his throat, and he had to take a deep breath before managing to speak again. “People have told me those movements my hands were doing can be highly distracting, so when I realized what I was doing I apologized, that is all.”

He tried to smile comfortingly at the end of his speech, but Daneel looked unconvinced.

“I do not see why anyone would judge those movements distracting, Partner Elijah, but I assure you that, in any case, I do not. If that is what troubling you, please don’t be concerned.”

He nodded, embarrassed, and quickly changed the subject by asking if Daneel knew and recommended any of the book-films Giskard had brought them. When his partner turned away to examine the volumes, Elijah turned his thoughts to the strategies he had used twenty years previously to keep alert about his hands at all times. While it was possible that his movements really weren’t annoying or disturbing for robots, there was a chance Daneel had said that just to put him at ease. And even if he really hadn’t minded what had happened, Elijah could not risk growing comfortable in Daneel’s presence in a way that might result in him slipping and letting his hands move like that in front of a Spacer human. He could not humiliate Earth- or himself- in such a ridiculous fashion.

______________________________________________________

Baleyworld’s first daycare was almost completed, but it still missed some equipment that had to be installed before it could be inaugurated. Elijah had brought some reports on the matter home to study during the evening, and was deep into their analysis when Daneel appeared at the door.

“Elijah?”

His husband’s voice brought his attention back to his surroundings, and the first thing he noticed was that his left arm, that had been dangling by the side of the chair, was rotating intensely, in a way he had thought he had managed to completely stop during college. He felt his face grow red. Why? Why couldn’t he make that stop? How was it possible that he had conquered agoraphobia deeply ingrained in him by over forty years of living underground, but he still couldn’t control his body’s simplest movements even when he was in a perfectly safe and comfortable situation? Groaning, he brought his arm to rest at the table.

“Was this distracting you?” He muttered, ashamed. “I am sorry.”

Daneel frowned.

“Not at all, Elijah. I just wished to inform you that Sarah called to invite us for dinner tomorrow. I told her I had to confirm with you, and she said that she is assuming we will go, and we should call her if we won’t.”

“Oh. Right. I have no problem going.”

“Me neither.” Daneel seemed to hesitate, then crossed the room and sat on the couch. “Dear, can we talk?”

“Of course.” Elijah turned off the viewer, joined Daneel on the couch, and looked gently into his eyes. “Is everything alright?”

“Everything is perfectly alright with me, Elijah. But I don’t understand your reaction to when I called your name right now. Why did you apologize?”

Elijah’s lips pressed together, and his gaze turned unwillingly downwards. He needed all of his willpower to manage to glance back at Daneel.

“I didn’t notice that my arm was doing… that. It can be distracting to others, and when you called I assumed I was disturbing you.”

Daneel studied him intently.

“This subject seems to make you uncomfortable. My apologies.”

“None needed, Daneel. But you are right, I really would rather not speak about this.”

“I understand.” He hesitated, then said, “However, would you mind if I made one further comment on the subject? I will not mention it again afterwards, unless you want me to.”

Despite his embarrassment, Elijah forced himself to fully look at Daneel before answering.

“This seems to be important to you.”

“It is. I immensely regret having to say something that may make you uncomfortable, but I fear that in this case it is necessary, as it may help to avoid future unpleasantness of a more serious nature.”

“It is alright, Daneel. But dear, please remember that you can always say anything that is important to you, even if you think that I, or any other person, wouldn’t want to hear it.” He softly took Daneel’s hands in his. “Please don’t let your natural kindness, or any of the Laws, get in the way of you expressing things that matter to you.”

It was Daneel’s turn to seem a bit embarrassed. He recovered soon, however, and gave Elijah a grateful smile that made the man’s heartbeat perceptibly increase its speed.

“Thank you. I will try. Elijah… This was the second time in which a situation like this happened. The first time was in the ship on our way to Aurora. We were working together then, and so I assumed you were apologizing to me as a co-worker because you had previously been told in the office that the way your hands move when you get deeply focused is distracting. But today was different.” His voice softened. “Love, I am your husband, and we are home. I don’t want you to feel you have to censor your behavior around me.”

Elijah felt his chin drop. It would never have occurred to him that his actions might be interpreted in that way.

“I don’t feel like that! Daneel, truly, I don’t. Dear,” he said staring earnestly at him, “I feel more comfortable with you than I have ever felt with anyone. I am truly sorry if I made you think otherwise. I… Just didn’t want to bother or disturb you.”

Daneel shook his head sadly.

“You weren’t. Elijah, please correct me if my assumptions are wrong, but it seems to me that your limbs move of their own accord when you are in a state of deep concentration. Is that right?”

Elijah hung his head.

“Yes,” he admitted, in a voice that was so low due to shame that Daneel had to move closer to understand him. “Or when I’m upset, or frustrated. When I was a child, it sometimes happened when I was happy or excited as well.”

He was surprised at himself for volunteering so much information. He had never spoken so openly about this before (not voluntarily, at least. He shivered at the memory of the times in his childhood in which adults or his sisters had interrogated him about it.) The surprise must have shown in his face, for Daneel suddenly leaned to gently kiss his cheek.

“Thank you for trusting me with this information. Elijah, from what I’ve observed it seems to me that these movements are a way for your body to express intense feelings, or to help you to concentrate on important subjects. How then could they possibly bother me?”

“I don’t know, Daneel. They usually bother everyone.” He forced himself to smile, but guessed that the result looked rather sad. “I am so lucky to have you, dear, and I thank you for your concern. But please understand that I must keep trying to stop myself whenever I notice I’m doing… That. Even if my doing it doesn’t bother you. If I allow myself to grow comfortable with it at home, I may slip and do it somewhere else.”

The sadness in Daneel’s sweet eyes seemed to deepen.

“I understand if you wish to drop the subject, but I do not understand why human beings seem to attribute such negative connotations to acts as innocent as these, and if you would be comfortable with it, I would be thankful for an explanation.”

“I… Look, it’s just weird, Daneel. You’ve never seen anyone else doing anything like that, have you?” No, you haven’t, because no one else is this bizarre, he thought bitterly.

“No.” Daneel admitted, and Elijah felt his face grow deeply red. Daneel’s hand moved gently towards his chin, and he had to take a deep breath before he allowed his husband to softly pull his head up so that they could look once again into each other’s eyes. Daneel’s were brimming with gentleness and love. “Nor have I seen anyone else solve the mirror image problem, or deduce and prove the truths behind the murders of Jander, Dr. Sarton, and Dr. Delmarre. I’ve seen agoraphobic people who spent their lives under a dome brave the outside once called to action, but I haven’t seen anyone but you starting that movement- and don’t say Bentley. I would never deny that he was vital to the process once it was started, but you were the one who started it and who made him see the project’s potential. You were the one who began openly talking about it, and who set the example. And Elijah…”

The hand on his chin moved up to cup his face, and Daneel’s thumb gently caressed his skin.

“I have certainly never seen another human fall in love with a robot. Let alone admit that love to the entire galaxy, convince a planet of people raised with an intense dislike of robots to accept their relationship, and proceed to make said robot the happiest person in the galaxy.”

Elijah was too shocked and flustered to speak, but he didn’t have to. On the next moment Daneel was leaning in, and so he tried to express all of his feelings through the long, tender kiss that followed. As they began to part, Daneel inclined his head so that their foreheads touched.

“There are so many things about you that I have never seen on anyone else” he whispered, while both of them still had their eyes closed, and their faces where close enough that Elijah could feel the air moving as Daneel spoke. “And in my opinion, all of them are wonderful.”

Elijah felt himself begin to tremble. Jehoshaphat, he did not deserve someone as perfect as Daneel. He was being so kind, and Elijah hated to have to keep disagreeing with him, but this was too important.

“Th-thank you. But Daneel, all the things you listed were good things. This,” he pressed his lips against Daneel’s again, “is the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn’t not fight for it. But what… What we were talking about before is not the same as any of the items in your list. It benefits nobody. It’s just… My body being bizarre and disruptive, and making a ridiculous and shameful spectacle of itself in a way I seem to be helpless to prevent.”

The last words spouted quickly out of his mouth, scrambled together, as if that could in any way diminish his shame at saying them. Daneel’s eyes seemed to widen in shock, and Elijah hated himself for alarming him like this.

“Elijah… I do not wish to upset you. Please interrupt me at any moment if you want this conversation to end. I see that this topic is much more painful to you than I had realized, and I am sorry I probed into it in this way.”

“You did nothing wrong!” Elijah said quickly, eager to disperse any negative First Law reaction he might have inadvertently caused. “You couldn’t have known anything about this, and I thank you for your attempt to make me feel better.”

Daneel nodded in acknowledgement, but hesitated before continuing.

“You obviously have some very strong negative associations to these movements your limbs do. I am truly sorry for the experiences that you must have had for these associations to form. But if I understand the situation correctly, you do not actually know what the movements mean or why they happen, and the negative opinions you have about them are mostly formed out of the way they were perceived by others. Is that correct?”

“Yes.” Elijah smiled affectionately. “Will you try to convince me that everyone I ever met was wrong?”

“It wouldn’t be impossible” Daneel replied, smiling back. “You have convinced them that they were wrong about Civism and Medievalism being the only choices your society had.”

Elijah could find no answer to that.

“But dear,” said Daneel, his tone back to seriousness, “my perception of the situation does wildly differ from theirs. I see nothing negative about this. You stated that the other things that set you apart benefit people, yourself included, while this does not. But from what I have been able to observe, it may be, like I said, a way for your body to cope with distress or to focus on a task. If I am correct, this might help you to do all of the other brilliant and brave things you do, and might have helped you with the ones you have already done. One of the many things I highly admire you for, and in which I try to emulate your behavior, is your determination to never give up on a problem, no matter how difficult or frustrating it is. But persisting on solving a difficult problem does not mean you should be reckless about yourself while working on it, which I fear you often do. And I may be wrong, but to me this seems to be an example. I don’t know if I am correct about these movements being helpful, but I do know that the effort and stress of trying to prevent them from happening is hurting you.” His beautiful features contorted in a painful expression. “For this reason, I must ask that you consider giving them a chance. Even if you find that they are not useful, I do not see how they could be harmful, and it is my opinion that the stress you are suffering is much more damaging than whatever mild disturb they may cause others.”

Elijah’s eyes widened and his head shook, somewhat automatically, in a negative. Daneel meant well, but he simply didn’t understand how shameful and bizarre Elijah’s problem was.

However, Elijah hadn’t realized that this matter had been weighing so much on his husband’s mind, and he was shocked to hear Daneel’s interpretation of it. His own opinion was that whatever stress he went through to suppress the movements was insignificant when compared to the shame he would feel if he was ever witnessed doing them again. But watching him suffer any sort of harm was harmful to Daneel, which changed the situation completely. He could not allow that. They would have to find an acceptable compromise.

“This is a new perspective,” he said, cautiously, “I will think about it, and try not to suppress them at home, if you promise to believe me if I tell you that I have decided that continuing to suppress them is less hurtful than allowing them to happen.”

Daneel smiled in a way that made any distress this promise might end up causing Elijah more than worth it.

“Thank you, my dear” Daneel said, leaning in for another kiss.

___________________________________________________________

The office’s door was shut, but the sounds of the debate happening outside could still be heard through it. Elijah frowned and started rereading the list in front of him for what felt like the millionth time.

Fenice, the third planet their movement had settled, was experiencing a climate crisis, and was in dire need of material help. The people of Baleyworld wished to donate as much as they could, but since their own planet was still at a very early point in its development, the logistics were complicated. The entire planet seemed to have spoken of nothing else for the past few days, and the stress was wearing all of them down. Elijah had locked himself in his office to try to concentrate on the calculations of the medical supplies they would be able to spare, but he was having difficulty on focusing, and it was becoming increasingly clear that he would have to take today’s work home and dedicate most of the evening to it.

More to have an excuse for a short break than due to actual thirst, he decided to finish drinking the glass of water on the corner of his desk, and then maybe take a walk to refill it. When he reached for it, however, he realized that his hands were not resting on the edge of the desk, as he had thought, but rather moving wildly over the table, creating a rhythmic sound with his fingertips. He cursed, and was about to stop them, when he remembered the conversation he’d had with Daneel on the previous month.

His promise had been to attempt to let his hands move as they willed when he was at home, so there was no present reason for him to fight his impulse to prevent the movements. But, he considered, if Daneel was correct, and these movements might be able to help him through moments of crisis, this would be an excellent opportunity for them to prove their worth.

And besides, something had been bothering him, deep into his mind, since that conversation. Negative as his experiences with being seen performing those strange actions had been, his deepest shame relating to them had always been his own inability to stop. The lack of control over his own body, and the failure at repeated determined attempts to master himself, hung heavily on him, made each appearance of the damned unwanted movements make him feel deeply humiliated, and every accomplishment that had ever made him proud seemed to diminish in comparison to the wrongness of his body, and his helplessness to prevent it.

But if Daneel was right, then perhaps he was fighting the wrong battle. Instead of trying to defeat the natural inclination of his body, maybe he should have been trying to fight the acquired conviction that that inclination was wrong. That new thought had given him a faint glimpse of hope that there might perhaps still be a chance for him to conquer himself, and to be able to face stressful situations like the present one with a sense of pride rather than of dread. He had tried not to focus on this thought much, lest he ended up raising his hopes and setting himself up for disappointment. But he was alone in an office no one was likely to enter without knocking, and in a situation in which these strange movements would probably persist through the entire afternoon, which meant that there might never be a better moment to try to put Daneel’s theories to the test.

Ignoring the glass of water in front of him, Elijah returned to the list and tried to focus on his work. His hands were still moving strangely over the table, but he did his best to ignore them.

“Focus” he thought, “the people of Fenice need this report. Nothing else matters right now. As most of our planet is covered in ice, we are in a good position to send them water. Their current population in the drought area is of twenty people. How much water do they need daily to keep themselves hydrated and clean, again? Ah, yes, here is that chart. So according to this…”

He could still feel his hands moving, but he fought hard to ignore them. It was not easy, but Daneel seemed to be right. Leaving them be was much less stressful than forcing them to be quiet. And at the end of the day he surprised himself by completing the report a full hour before his shift ended.

__________________________________________________________

Elijah tried to hold back an annoyed groan when Daneel moved the bishop. He had not expected that move, and while the game was far from lost, he would be forced to rethink his entire strategy. Looking intensely at the board, he considered the position of the pieces, calculated moves ahead, and tried to decide what his husband’s plan was. Suddenly, he felt his fingers hit the edge of the board, and he realized his hands had been moving.

He had been allowing them to do it when he was alone, but had not yet dared to try that in front of anyone, not even Daneel. He glanced nervously at the other’s beautiful face, and saw that his eyes were fixed on the board, and he appeared to be thoroughly focused on the game. Elijah doubted, however, that any amount of concentration would be enough to prevent Daneel from noticing what was happening.

Taking a deep breath, he decided to use this opportunity to test Daneel’s assertion that the movements did not disturb him. With a supreme effort, he returned his attention to the board, and in a few more minutes made his next move. His hands kept moving during Daneel’s turn, and Elijah allowed them to continue during a couple of minutes before he asked.

“Does this really not bother you?”

Daneel looked up from the board and straight into his eyes.

“Not in the slightest, Elijah.” He said, earnestly. Elijah wanted to believe him, but his certainty that this behavior was wrong and disruptive was too strong.

“If it is bothersome, I would rather you told me, Daneel, really…”

“It does not disturb my concentration at all, dear” Daneel interrupted softly. “But in case you require some proof…” his perfect hand moved towards the board and maneuvered a tower. “Check.”

A small laugh of relief left Elijah’s lips, and he succeeded at redirecting his focus fully to the board. He managed to escape that check, but not the one that came half an hour later. They arranged the pieces back to the game’s starting position, and when they rose from their chairs, Elijah immediately passed his arms around Daneel’s waist and pulled him closer.

“Do you have any plans for the weekend?”

“I do not.” Daneel replied, returning the embrace. “Why? Do you have any suggestions?”

“Yes. As a matter of fact, I was considering spending it inside the house,” he softly ran his fingers down Daneel’s arm, “showing you how wonderful I think you are.”

Daneel smiled, and a faint blush appeared on his cheeks.

“As long as I get to reciprocate” he replied, a second before they kissed.

As the kiss ended, Elijah pressed his lips to Daneel’s ear and whispered “thank you.” He felt no need to specify what for.

“I am so proud of you” said Daneel, gently increasing the pressure of his arms around Elijah.

____________________________________________________________

“Dad, may I have a word?”

“Sure, Ben. What’s on your mind?”

“Not here,” his son said, seeming to be nervous. “Let’s go to my office.”

Elijah’s lips pressed close together. They were just leaving a reunion with the entire planetary government, and he had thought his troubles were over for the day. What problem could Bentley have to discuss that could not have been mentioned in front of the others? Could it be something personal? His heart accelerated in worry. He hadn’t seen any previous signs of stress in Bentley that day that might indicate something had happened in the family. What could possibly be wrong?

When they entered the office Ben closed the door and stared hesitantly at him.

“Well?” he was forced to ask at last, and Ben took a deep breath before answering.

“Dad, this is probably none of my business, and you’ll think I’m becoming as meddlesome as Aunt Sarah, but…Well, during the meeting I couldn’t help noticing that you were doing this… This thing with your hands, and I wasn’t going to say anything, but I remembered that once when I was little I saw you doing something similar and you thanked Mom when she told you, so I thought that maybe I should.”

Elijah felt all the old reactions returning. His heartbeat increased, his hands felt cold, and paralysis seemed to take over his entire being. He needed a moment to recover, to breathe, and to remind himself that things had changed, that he had discovered that those movements were benefic, and that he had made the active decision to stop worrying about them even when in public. Once he had reminded himself of this new reality, he tried to smile at his son, who was now staring at him in alarm and seemed about to ask if he needed a doctor.

“Thank you, Ben,” he said in a slightly tremulous voice. “You did the right thing, considering the information that was available to you. I did ask your mother to inform me whenever she saw me doing that, so that I could stop. However, that was a long time ago, and I have since realized that these movements are good for my concentration, so I decided to let them be.”

Bentley seemed doubtful.

“I see. But Dad, you… You do know they… Well…”

“Look strange?” He struggled to keep his voice free of the pain that still came from his memories of experiences long in the past. “I do. But as long as they don’t actually disturb anyone else’s concentration, I don’t mind.” He shrugged. “A few more strange looks my way aren’t likely to make a difference.”

Ben sighed, despairing, as usual, at what he saw as his father’s complete disregard for his public image. But ever since Elijah had convinced the planet to accept Daneel’s presence, and to recognize him as his husband, this was a battle Bentley had given for lost. So instead of commenting further on what had happened at the meeting, he nodded and changed the subject to his cousin Katherine’s upcoming birthday party.

At this implicit acceptance that his hands’ strange movements would no longer be commented on between them, Elijah felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. If Ben was willing to support him in this, he knew the rest of his family would be as well.

And if he had their support, he was certain he would be able to cope with anyone who might try to give him a hard time about it.

_________________________________________________________

“It’s taking too long” Elijah muttered nervously, staring at the clock.

“I was under the impression that the necessary time varies widely from case to case” said Daneel, gently moving his thumbs over Elijah’s hands in a soothing caress.

“It does. But, Jehoshaphat, Daneel, you can’t expect me to be perfectly rational today.”

His husband smiled lovingly.

“Of course not, dear. And yet, I feel it might be good to remind you that Bentley and Linda’s child will not be the first baby to be born on Baleyworld, and that all previous births went perfectly well.”

“I wish someone would just tell us how it’s going.”

“I’m sure it’s ok, Mr. Baley” said his daughter-in-law’s sister, smiling at them from the other couch in the waiting room. He nodded at her, but went back to staring at the clock.

At long last, the doctor appeared at the door, and her smile made it clear that all had gone well.

“It’s a lovely boy” she told them, “and he and Linda are both doing wonderfully. You can’t go inside yet, but we’ll call you in a few minutes.”

Elijah was speechless. He found himself laughing, and could feel tears beginning to form in his eyes.

“I’m a grandfather” he gasped.

“You are” Daneel agreed, smiling broadly at him. Elijah embraced him and held tightly to his husband through the first moments of exhilaration, until a sound from the other couch reminded him that they weren’t alone. He turned to smile at the girl sitting across the room.

In doing so, he let go of Daneel for the first time since they had arrived at the hospital, and his hands began at once to move in the air in front of him. For a second, confusion took over every other feeling. He was no longer stressed, then why…

Oh, that was right. For a moment he had forgotten that a long time ago, this used to also happen when he was happy.

________________________________________________________

It had been a long night.

Elijah had been alone at home, feeling slightly bored and trying to decide whether he should reread a favorite book or watch a new holoshow, when Dors called in a state of great agitation, saying that Raych was sick.

Elijah had packed an overnight bag and headed at once to his daughter’s apartment, feeling grateful, for once in his life, that Daneel was busy at the Palace playing the role of Eto Demerzel. The sight of a sick child, specially one he cared for so deeply, would certainly do him harm, as it was currently doing Dors, and Elijah was glad his husband would be spared the experience.

“Thank you for coming!” Hari said when he greeted him at the door. “We’re sorry to have disturbed you, but neither of us has ever had to deal with a sick child, and…”

“It’s alright” he grimaced. “Let me tell you a secret about parenting, Hari. It doesn’t stop when your kids grow up.”

He found Dors sitting at Raych’s bedside, asking him repeated questions about how he was feeling, and insisting on offering him food and water in a way that had to be suffocating.

“Let him breathe, Dors. Hi, kid. What’s the problem?”

It turned out to be a fever. Dors and Hari hadn’t been sure if it was serious enough to take Raych to a doctor, and Raych, who’d never been to one, was afraid of the possibility and had asked not to go unless it was absolutely necessary. It certainly wasn’t at this point, and Elijah thought the situation was unlikely to develop that way, but he agreed to spend the night over so he could constantly check on Raych and let Dors and Hari know if things got bad enough for them to have to get professional help. And, he added to himself, so he could take care of Dors. The mixture of natural parental anxiety and First Law distress was, in his opinion, causing her to feel much worse than her son did.

So it had been a long night. But at last, Raych’s body temperature began to return to normal, and as a result Dors felt better as well. When the boy fell at last in a tranquil sleep, Elijah and Hari managed, with an effort, to convince her to go rest too, and to let Hari call the university’s history department in the morning to inform them that she wouldn’t be able to go to work that day.

The two adult humans then retired to the living room, from where they would be able to hear if Raych called, and sat exhaustedly on the couch. Elijah put on a holoshow and let himself rest, with his eyes staring lazily at the images without registering them, and the dialogue passing through his mind as a pleasant, meaningless sound. He wanted to stay up until the morning, so that he could be sure that Dors wouldn’t try to sneak out to work without rest, but he began to doze off against his will.

Suddenly, he was startled into wakefulness by a high-pitched noise much different from the sounds of the holoshow. Turning towards its source, he saw that Hari was trying to fight sleep by focusing on a paper covered in equations Elijah couldn’t begin to decipher. The sound that had woken him was coming from the mathematician’s throat, and, recognizing it as a sign of concentration, Elijah tried to get up from the couch silently, so as to not disturb Hari’s work.

He failed.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” Hari asked, looking up from his paper as if he needed a moment to get his mind back to reality.

“No problem. I wanted to stay up anyway. Do you have coffee?”

“Sure, let me show you whe…” Hari suddenly stopped speaking, and a nervous look crossed his face. “Ah, Elijah? When I was working on that equation right now, I didn’t… Wake you up by making any weird sounds, did I?”

Elijah looked at Hari, at his nervous shame at bringing up the subject, at his apparent dread of a positive answer, and the corner of his lips moved slightly up. Hari Seldon had always reminded Elijah of his younger self in several ways, and apparently he had just discovered one more.

“Hari,” he said with a sympathetic smile, “It’s three in the morning and I may not be making much sense, but I think there is something it’d be good for us to talk about.”

#Elijah Baley #Daneel Olivaw #C/Fe #internalized ableism #he gets over it #Dors Venabili #Hari Seldon #friendly reminder that Hari canonically stims #it also features Elijah's sisters who are basically my OCs #I love Sarah I have more stories with her #ableism

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