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#finally at like 5pm after doing all the chores and getting dressed and making meals and napping and going outside and exercising and calling
voiceshearingyouloud · 8 months
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I was feeling extremely suicidal today, like the worst I have in maybe four or five years now, and I was deliberating over whether I should go to the hospital like pretty much all day and now that I feel better I realise that the moment I started drafting my suicide note in my head was probably when I should’ve decided that 😭
#it’s so hard to think logically in the moment though; and I didn’t want to worry my dad or my partner#even though me killing myself would hurt them more obviously lol#I’m glad I feel better though#finally at like 5pm after doing all the chores and getting dressed and making meals and napping and going outside and exercising and calling#people and watching my favourite things#and none of it made even the slightest difference#(and I was drafting my suicide note)#I was like alright I need to do something about this because I’m gonna get exhausted and lose the fight pretty soon#which is always how my suicidality has been#I’ve never made a plan I’ve just come very very close to being worn down by the constant obsession and just giving in#which is hard to explain to ER nurses!#anyway. as soon as I decided that it instantly was like a cloud went away so that was weird as hell and I still don’t get it but at least I#don’t want to die as much anymore!#I’m seriously good now; like just normal sad and tired#but it does scare me that it took me so long to decide to go to the hospital#cause that was really cutting it close for a while there 😬#I don’t trust myself to get it right the next time. but hopefully I’ll remember this and just go#anne speaks#now I’m just dying over how hilarious it was that I was literally drafting my suicide note and still was like hmm I wouldn’t want to worry#my partner so I don’t think it’s wise to go to the hospital.#like girl?? what???#suicidality tw#tw suicidality#suicide mention#suicide tw#tw suicide#all the trigger tags cause this post is pretty graphic lol#but anyway I’m totally safe now#wouldn’t want anyone to worry if you’re the type to worry about this#:-)
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foreficfandom · 4 years
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The Arcana  - A Day In The Life (Dating MC, Post-Upright Ending)
(Note: as of this writing, Muriel, Portia, and Lucio’s route have not been finished, so their scenarios are based on their default/mid-game way of living).  
-- Asra --
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In the morning light, Asra wakes to your gentle shuffling and turns to cuddle you with a sleepy sigh. You smile and leave to start on chores, since you know Asra’s not gonna get out of bed until he absolutely has too. 
The shop doesn’t open until noon, so you take your time in coaxing the stove salamander to fry eggs in tomato sauce and lentils for breakfast. Asra doesn’t shuffle downstairs until he smells tea. 
After breakfast, you ask Asra to clean up while you leave to pick up the wash from the laundress. He teasingly demands you don’t spend all your allowance at the market buying every knick-knack you see, and you stick your tongue out in response. 
By the time you return, Asra’s prepared the storefront for business, and lit the lantern by the door. You go upstairs to sort the laundry while the first customers of the day arrive.
The day passes as you and Asra man the shop - Asra does the Tarot readings, serenely leading troubled patrons to the back room to ask the Arcana about the future, or love opportunities, or business and fortune. You manage the merchandise, ringing up gentry that get bottles of wrinkle-erasing skin cream, parents who buy protective charms for their children, and crafting custom blessings onto scrolls and pendents. 
After the sun sets, a different crowd of customers come in; rough-looking mercenaries who want sigils to enhance their swords, hooded strangers with cryptic questions for the Arcana, and also other magical-practioneers looking for rare artifacts, offering esoteric trinkets in exchange.
You make a stew dinner as business continues well into the night. Asra pauses to eat with you, getting up to tend to a customer if he hears the bell ring. The moon is high in the sky when he douses the lantern and you clean up the shop. 
It’s his turn to do the books while you relax, so you graciously heat up water in a large wooden tub for a soak while Asra documents the inventory and earnings of the day. He interrupts your bath to help wash your hair, and he says that the shop is running low on fresh yarrow, so you promise to pick some up tomorrow morning.
You join Asra on the bed, Faust draped across his belly, and he pulls the quilts over all three of you. He always gets chatty before falling asleep, so he talks about the next trip he’s been planning, and how he can’t wait to take you with him. 
With one last kiss, you and Asra sleep peacefully in each other’s arms, Faust crawled in-between the valley of your bodies.
-- Julian --
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It’s unfortunately uncommon to wake up next to Julian. His clinic opens at dawn, and he spends more than enough all-nighters on top of that. It’s a rare day that you wake before him. Usually, the bed next to you is a mess of rumpled sheets that spoke of a tall, gangly man. 
You manage the magical shop, and Julian’s clinic is right next door. The clinic has an open-door policy; official hours are from sunrise to sundown, but Julian needs to be ready to leap from bed if he hears knocking at the door. So he never leaves the clinic unmanned at any time, with at least an assistant available if he’s gone. 
So you spend time at Julian’s place rather than the inverse. Julian’s nook is on the third floor of the building, large but a little drafty, and cluttered with Julian’s notes and books. He makes an effort keeping clean for your benefit, but the poor man just lacks the time to organize everything. 
You go downstairs to see Julian already hours into work, and it’s unknown what the daily damage could be; sometimes, he’s not occupied by a patient and gets to smother you in morning kisses. Other times, he’s busy treating a miner for their black lung, or happily checking up on a newborn baby, or his assistants tell you that Julian’s locked up in the surgery room right now, cauterizing wounds or applying splints. 
Today’s a day off for the magical shop, so you go to Julian’s medicine storage and help with grinding the cinnamon and boiling down the elderberry. His assistant and you also clean some of his surgical tools. 
Julian finally emerges from a successful surgery, and his tired face brightens up when he sees you. He washes up so he gets to give you a tight hug, and his assistant brings over two mugs of coffee - Julian’s almost twice the size as yours. 
He leaves off his paperwork for later in lieu of chatting with you about everything and anything, until his next patient walks through the door. You leave to go next door to cook dinner, since Julian’s upstairs nook has a heater, but no burners. 
You bring over a plate of beef dumplings with cabbage - a recipe you learned from Mazelinka - and luckily Julian’s finished up so he can join you upstairs for a peaceful meal. You have to clear some papers off his tiny table, and he sheepishly promises that tomorrow he’ll clean a bit more. You offer to do it for him, but he insists that he organize his own documents. 
The clinic closes and Julian accepts a cup of tea from you as he pours over his paperwork, and he suggests a near-future venture to Prakra to attend a seminar on spinal surgery. It’d double as an adventure! He says, and you give him a kiss for his enthusiasm.
He’s gotten better at maintaining a sleep schedule, but you still have to urge him to bed so he can fall dead asleep on the sheets. Before he passes out, he takes several long minutes to cuddle you close and play with your hair. Malak finally flies in through the window from whatever adventure he’s been having, and nests peacefully on the pillow above your heads.
-- Nadia --
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The Vensuvian sun wakes the two of you gently. Nadia kisses your forehead before getting up to do her morning stretches. You might join her, or instead head over to the boudoir where the hand-maidens help you dress and accessorize. Palace etiquette demands some pomp and circumstance when it comes to appearances, plus Nadia’s been gifting you riches for a while now, filling up your closet.
Breakfast is bright and cheery, with Nadia insisting on a nutrient-rich and fiber-based diet to start the day off right. She shares the daily agenda with you, along with easy chatter and loving coos. The mail’s delivered on a platter; you open a letter from Julian overseas that’s addressed to you both, sharing the details of his latest adventure.
There’s some free time, so you and Nadia leave the palace to tour the town square and the affluent stores there. She sees a gorgeous pair of slippers and asks if you’d like them. You point out a large caged raptor and she orders her servants to purchase it for rehabilitation in Navra’s wildlife reserve.
Come midday, the two of you file into one of the galleries for a meeting with the counsel. It’s a meeting to draft a reform of the city’s infrastructure department, which involves tax rates and effective procurement and other boring decisions. 
You’ve not been crowned yet, so you don’t have any official say on court matters, but more often you’ve been stepping in. Many are pleasantly surprised at your management sense, and Nadia has a small, prideful smirk whenever you play your cards. 
You and Nadia part ways for a bit, she’s off to do some more mundane Countess duties involving signing paperwork, you decide to take Chandra on a walk through the gardens, chatting with the staff and feeding the pond fish. Chandra was glad to hitch a ride on your shoulders. You share some mulberries with her. 
Today, Nadia’s duties force her to skip dinner, so you instead eat with other palace dignitaries you’ve made friends with, along with Portia who gracefully takes a few minutes to catch up with you. The cook had made a new recipe of spicy grilled squid today, and you find it delicious.
Nadia has a late meal in her chambers, and you join her for a chocolate mousse dessert. Come bedtime, you brush her long hair, which always helps her unwind. She returns the favor with soft embraces curled up in bed.
-- Portia -- 
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Portia wakes up at dawn to cook breakfast for you both, happily encouraging you to sleep in so you can wake up to the delicious smells of melted cheese on toast and strong black tea. You have to wake up quickly if you want to catch her before she leaves for work, so you’re bleary-eyed and sleepy at the table while Portia’s as peppy as ever.
Portia’s job as hand-maiden takes up most of her day. She quickly bustles off to the castle, and you trot to run the magical shop alongside Asra. He teasingly suggests you’d much rather be with Portia right now, and you blush. 
Portia wakes up Nadia with breakfast, and helps her dress. From there, it’s a busy day bustling back and forth the massive halls of the castle. As head servant, she’s on top of all the castle duties, including inventory and scheduling. She relays messages between the chamberlain, the cooks, the laundrymaids, chambermaids, footsmen, butlers, scullerymaids, groundsmen and gardeners, and also is in charge of handling deliveries and purchases.
Today’s a slow day at the shop, so Asra lets you off with a box of candied pineapple to share with Portia during her afternoon break. You now know Portia’s kinda-sorta-established schedule by now, so you eventually track her down in the buttery, hanging out with the other servants with a cup of tea. Her eyes light up when she sees you and she nearly topples you over with her strong embrace. 
You share the pineapple with her and the servants, whom you now know by name. They offer some delicious gossip about some visiting dignitaries. Portia sneaks some palace tarts and feeds them to you by hand, giggling.
Portia’s work day ends at 5pm, and she heads straight to the magical shop for some tutoring. A long day’s work can only be capped off with you and Asra coaching her through the basics of magical theory. She’s so enamored by magic and loves to practice it. You can tell that she has amazing potential. Before the lesson ends, you cook them all pasta with tomatoes for dinner, and Asra gets to have a palace tart you sneaked home. 
It’s after sundown when the two of you make it home to Portia’s cottage. A hard day’s work over and done with, it’s now just you and Portia (and Pepi, who begs for ear scritches the moment you two walk in the door), relaxing in the warm summer evening. You cradle Portia in your arms, watching fireflies dance over her garden. 
-- Muriel --
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Muriel’s up before the sun, stoking the embers of the fire back to life before gathering his willowwood fishing rod and heading out with Inanna. He has a habit of leaving without tell you where he’s going, so you wake in surprise to a missing Muriel. But before long he returns with several pike strung together, and he salts a few of them while you boil oat porridge with dried currants for breakfast. 
Life in the forest is peaceful, but busy. Muriel has lots of morning chores to get to, and he doesn’t need your help but appreciates it. After breakfast he goes to his backyard garden to weed, while you sweep the hut.
Muriel tells you the agenda for today; go to the wild grape fields, then to harvest and bring in the late-summer corn, then he’s gonna work some more on that new table he’s been carving while you finish spinning the wild sheep wool you shaved yesterday. 
Over the months, he’s gotten better at communicating with you. He’s still his silent, shy self, but now he’ll hold his own in a conversation without feeling overwhelmed. The two of you share few but sweet words as you travel to the grape patch and pluck the small grapes for their large seeds to grind and press into oil.
Muriel’s garden is sprawling and well-maintained. The many corn he’s raised have produced three giant bushels worth, and he divvies them up between those to pickle, or to dry, or grind into meal, or to eat fresh. The husks and cobs aren’t wasted either, kept to use as cooking utensils or animal feed. That single harvest will keep for the year. 
It’s mid-afternoon when Muriel continues cutting and shaping oak wood for a new dining table, larger and sturdier for the both of you. Inanna keeps you company as you separate and spin wool into spools. 
You decide to head into town before the sun sets, so you give Muriel a kiss and trek to the shop to say hi to Asra and Julian, and ask after Portia and Nadia. Asra promises to visit soon, and Julian gives you a wrapped cloth of scones Portia made. Before you head back, you tour the evening market for iron nails, cones of sugar, and other things you and Muriel can’t produce yourselves.
It’s dark by the time you return home, but the full moon and fireflies keep the path lit and you hug Inanna when she trots out to greet you. Muriel has roasted two quails with beans and cider, and the two of you eat peacefully on the new oak table. 
Before he joins you in bed, Muriel quickly takes out the beef tallow soap he’s made from their molds to dry. You open your arms sleepily when you see him approach, and he smiles because he’s way too big for you to engulf, no matter how many times you ask for it. The two of you fall asleep to crickets chirping and the crackling of fire.
-- Lucio -- 
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What’s the point of being Count if he can’t have lazy mornings? If you don’t want to stay in until 10am, then he’ll eventually start getting up earlier, too. If the two of you haven’t been wrapped around each other all night, you might have to do a couple body rolls to get across his huge four-poster canopy bed in order to give him some morning smooches. 
He’ll make a couple of dad noises as he struggles to wake up (he’s not getting any younger, despite his best efforts), and it takes a while before he’s able to throw off the thick silk duvet to meander to the washbasin.
By the time he’s cleaned his face and shaved, he’s much more peppy and chats with you while applying his makeup. His servants help dress the both of you, snapping on his prosthetic and lacing up his waistcoat. The two of you won’t have any engagements until evening, so breakfast is taken right in his solar - angels on horseback, perfumed eggs, fresh fruit, along with pots of coffee, tea, and juice. 
Throughout his career as Count, Lucio’s done a pretty good job making sure he’s got a ton of people doing the tasks he can’t bother himself to mind. Shady political practices, but it leaves plenty of time for leisure. His idea of ‘work’ is exercising in the grounds, polishing up his swordwork and making sure he’s still fighting fit. Watching Lucio spar, you can’t deny he’s talented. By the end, he’s sweating but invigorated. 
Dinner is an official affair, meeting with a visiting dignitary from Zadith and his husbands. The feast is meant to impress, the huge table piled high with roasts and rare wines. There’s no deals to broker or anything, this is just the life of royals, visiting each other to pay respects and maintain relationships. Lucio takes one of the husbands by arm and leads them through the castle on a tour, charismatic as always. 
Evening comes. You and Lucio bathe in his huge pool, drinking wine and eating desserts. He spends half an hour applying his various skin creams, and he gently combs a fragrant oil through your hair. Mercedes and Melchior follow the two of you to his bedroom, and you settle on his couches, one dog to each for pets and snuggles. 
After a midnight snack of wine and cheese, Lucio calls you back under the covers so he can bid you lay on his chest for a while, which he loves. The fireplace burns low, casting warm red all around his massive bedroom.
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