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#(and I was drafting my suicide note)

damianbugs · 3 months

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have been receiving really interesting and complex asks lately i promise i will answer them all when im done being stupid and can formulate at least half a coherent thought on any serious character related matter

#“whats ur opinion on—” “can you explain the dichotomy in” “what comic did this—”#me: if i dont win this ebay bid on this obscure batman novel that no one but this one guy cares about im going to draft my suicide note

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 2 months

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I saw a post saying how do I write a suicide note and what is there to say? and I thought you write everything and nothing and nothing can explain why you want that way out; and you write everything, you try and put your soul in there, so that when you're gone, others can see you. so it's everything and nothing, and if you're strong enough, you never write one at all. but I have, I've written many the last was two months ago and look at me still here; but when you write it, you write everything and nothing. I'm no Hannah Baker, with thirteen reasons and slipping easy out of life; so I write an ill-thought-out letter and hope it's never used. it's everything and nothing, and can't make up for living

#tw suicide #personal #poetry #my poetry #catkin poetry #it is two months ago to the day that i put a long note in my drafts here on tumblr #and which I'll post if i ever seriously intend to go through with it #which please God will never happen #puddleglum hours

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dogmotif · 1 year

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you guys see roman differently from me. you're posting seriously about him i'm saying i bet roman goes kyaaaa~! like an anime girl when he falls over. roman looks like a cartoon catboy someone posted online in 2008 that was used as the cover for countless fanfictions

#this is because if i think about him seriously ill start drafting my suicide note #roman roy #succession #will speaks

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girljpg · 10 months

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aaaa my period has arrived. that explains the behaviors

#where's that post that's like i know my period is near when i start drafting my suicide note

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rivertigo · 1 year

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I’ve been feeling crazier than usual lately and wouldn’t you know my period is three days late!

#my version of that post isn’t drafting a suicide notes it when the homicidal fantasies start happening #that’s when I know

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weirdopponent · 11 months

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DAY THREE

SAVOIR FAIRE - You don't trip over The Disaster anymore, like you did the first night and the second. You know it's there like you know you made it. The Disaster is beautiful and natural, and in the face of it you are so small. It towers above you, drips water into your hair, before it crashes over you. Drowns you and drowns everything. People reach out to each other on floating scraps of their old houses. They try to keep their heads above the waterline. You dive, Harry. Beer cans bob on the surface like floaters. The faucet is still running.

PERCEPTION (Easy: Success) - There is so much of The Disaster in this place. It isn't just the mess itself, the guts of your favorite song spilled on the floor in a visceral mockery of a murder scene.

CONCEPTUALIZATION (Medium: Success) - It's a story. It's your story. It's who you are.

VOLITION (Godly: Failure) - You're so tired. You're so, so tired, Harry. It hurts.

YOU - With undeserved care, you lift the trash from your watery grave. Your silt drifts from your body, the gentle waves undoing you. It is such a kind thing.

Maybe I should reach for the soap?

No, maybe not. It hurts. If you reach for yourself, you will feel the contours of your person. And nothing ever gets the death out. It will follow you no matter how *hard* you scrub raw at your skin. It's in you, now. It's always in you.

CONCEPTUALIZATION (Hard: Success) - Loneliness isn't a hole. It isn't a lacking. It's a strangler fig; you are suffocating, you can't find the sun.

YOU - It *hurts*. It hurts. It - it just hurts, and you are so rooted, the vines become a part of you. The water is cooling fast around your death. Your muscles tense with their rigor mortis, and you rise, aching, bleeding, bleeding out. You cannot cut out a hole from yourself - it would just get bigger - but you can amputate the vines, maybe?

VOLITION (Impossible: Failure) - Try.

LOGIC (Easy: Success) - It won't help, but nothing else does, either. Nothing's worth it to try, but try you will. What will you *use* though?

LOGIC (Medium: Success) - Before, you at least had your car.

LOGIC (Godly: Success) - Your gun.

VOLITION (Hard: Failure) - Please…

THE BATHTUB - Is still full of cold water.

SHIVERS (Hard: Success) - Ice breaks. Ice creaks somberly across a black ocean, lonely ships passing each other by and never knowing each others touch. Reaching out for a hand. Bodies sink in the bitter cold, as no small life is able to feast and make them float all the way back home to the shore. A motor carriage rusts. Drunk footprints in the ice, filling with snowflakes.

YOU - Even that good old liquid courage couldn't quite do it, huh?

THE WINDOW - Outside, there are the glittering remnants of violence. Dirty, crystalline, blending in with bright and pure snowfall. Will that do?

YOU - Drain the tub. Think about fixing the faucet. Pick up abandoned bottles, fallen towers, tare that you can recycle at the Frittte.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT (Easy: Success) - This is easy! Work is easy with a goal.

PERCEPTION (Easy: Success) - It's a little less dirty.

VOLITION (Medium: Success) - Feels good. You know it's not a lot, and less than what you should be satisfied with, but you need a victory that doesn't come from the brutality of another's tragedy. You need it to be for you. Please, let it feel good.

YOU - Let it feel good.

YOUR OLD SCARS - Stay old, and closed.

For tonight, you are satisfied. Nothing bad happens.

#disco elysium #self harm #suicide #<- neither of things happen physically but are strongly implied imo #fanfic friday #fanfic #harry du bois #wip #i GUESS this is the very first draft which is why its kinda messy and not as tight as my other stuff lole #im always editing syntax #for no stars i had something like 20 ish drafts per section #so that was something like 80 drafts each chapter #this is a dark corner; look behind it! (wip)#i was trying to find this other fic i had going on but idk where it went?? maybe its in my notes??

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theygotlost · 11 months

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btw. my breakdown the other day was almost undoubtedly due to pms :/ sorry you had to see my moment of weakness everybody

#that post that said like. i dont need a period tracker i know its coming when i start drafting my suicide note #it doesnt usually make me super emotional and distraught like that tho. but sometimes it does

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iwoulddieforienzo · 2 years

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Hiiiiiiii~ I am not back but I’ve been looking through my notes app and came across a couple old Kaeya aus and.. idk I thought they were Neat so. I might post more but here’s an anemo!Kae for ya

(Warning this bitch is Old and I copy-pasted it directly from the notes. Tw for self destructive tendencies and a hint of suicidal ideation. Fairly minor but please stay safe!)

- he gets the Vision almost immediately after his father leaves. Logically, he knows that he could use it as a symbol of his innocence; after all, what kind of god would give a Vision to a spy? But he’s not listening to logic; he throws it into the bushes the moment he registers what it is. He’s terrified of the thing, and wants it GONE.

- It doesn’t go away though. Inside his borrowed room, it’s there, sitting innocently on his windowsill. He reaches out hesitantly, thinking, “maybe it’s someone else’s and they just left it?” only to recoil in disgust and horror when it reacts to him. He debates throwing it out the window, but the realization that the maids will inevitably find it leads him to keep it with him temporarily. He decides to bury it the next time he’s allowed outside.

- But it keeps returning. For years, no matter what he does, that damn Vision always seems to follow him. He’s thrown it in rivers, buried it, hid it in trees, thrown it at monsters; but it always reappears the next morning, at the latest.

- That’s not all. The wind itself seems to have it out for him; randomly changing direction just to blow his hair into his face, blowing leaves and flowers into his hair (and only his!), becoming windy whenever he leaves the house, stealing his drawing paper and pencils, etc. it drives him absolutely crazy.

- He hates the wind, even when it’s being nice. It stops him from hitting the ground too hard whenever he falls from high up and keeps him from going out of control while he’s learning to glide. He hates it. He wants to crash. It’s cruel. So cruel.

- Of course, the people of Mond don’t see it that way. Why would they? The wind is sacred to them. They see the way it plays with the strange foreign boy and laugh, dubbing him “dandelion”. He doesn’t think it’s that funny.

- One day, he decides he can’t take it anymore. It’s too much, constantly needing to hide his past along with his Vision. He takes it to a statue of the Seven, and places it at the feet of Barbatos, quietly begging him to take it back.

- He’s spotted by Diluc, who was running errands in Mond with Kaeya and wondered what was taking him so long. Kaeya gets up to leave, refusing to turn around. Curious, Diluc checks what Kaeya left behind, and is shocked to find a Vison; and not just any Vision, but an Anemo Vision at that!

- He scoops it up, ecstatic, and races over to Kaeya, asking why he ever bothered to hide this and why he was just leaving something so valuable behind.

- Kaeya wants to tell him that he’s not deserving, that a liar and a traitor like him should have never received a Vision. But he can’t say that. So instead, he tells Diluc that he’s not from here, and that he hadn’t done anything to be blessed with such a gift. Diluc tells him that’s stupid, and of course he belongs here, he wouldn’t have gotten a Vision otherwise, right? And Kaeya just smiles emptily, because of course Diluc would see it that way. So simple. So clean. If only it were that easy...

- So, Diluc drags him home to show off his “new” Vision. Everyone is excited, congratulating and insisting on a celebration. Jean, upon discovering his Vision, gets extremely excited and shows him her own, brand new Vision. “We match!!” Kaeya just smiles awkwardly, more and more uncomfortable. He doesn’t deserve this.

- That night, he stares at the Vision in his hands, feeling empty. He’s going to have to start using it soon. He pushes it under the bed.

- It’s.. hard, at first. He doesn’t hate the gods, never did (even if he wished he could), but he isn’t fond of them either. He can’t bring himself to use his Vision; it feels like a betrayal. (To mondstadt or to khaenri’ah, he doesn’t know.) He hates how it feels, clinking against his thigh; a constant reminder of its existence. He hates how it looks, beautiful and broken in a way that none of the other visions are. (Even with the Anemo Archons direct blessing, he will never be free)

- The wind is much softer now, playing less pranks and instead wrapping around him, like it’s trying to hug him. It plays with his hair, gently, taking care not to tangle it. The flowers that get blown his way are fully formed, and the ones that reach his hair sit prettily. It feels like an apology. Kaeya hates that it makes him feel better. Hates that he’d rather be outside, dancing with the wind, than inside with all the people who look at him and see only what they want to see.

- But slowly, it gets better. He never gets attached to his Vision, but he grows used to its presence. He has fun, coming up with stupid combo moves with Diluc and manipulating his fire. He enjoys creating currents with Jean to play with. The wind is his constant companion, following him everywhere, even indoors, and finding every opportunity to play with him. The constant weight of his past becomes lesser as he’s accepted fully into Mond. For the first time in so long, he’s content and happy where he is. Quietly, he thanks the Anemo Archon for letting him become part of Mond.

- And then it all goes wrong

- The night of Diluc’s 18th birthday happens much the same as it does in canon. The wind howls in displeasure, desperately trying to stop the two from fighting. But this time, Kaeya already has a Vision. A Vision he knows how to use. A Vision that he never activates, even under Diluc’s relentless assault.

- So, the au could end here. Kaeya dies, not bothering to defend himself against Diluc. Or...

- Kaeya survives. Perhaps more hurt than in canon, or perhaps not. I imagine the wind was what saved him, somehow. Or perhaps his Vision activated in a desperate attempt to save its wielder. But now he’s back to hating his vision. He asks Barbatos why he ever gave him a Vision if could never be free. Why he took away Kaeya’s choice to die. Why he even gave him this stupid Vision when he had done nothing to earn it. How cruel of him, to not have struck him down the moment he entered Tyvat. To allow him into Mond, knowing full well Kaeya would only destroy either it or himself in the end. How so very cruel.

- The wind seems to be trying to reassure him, fluttering around him in the same way it’s always done, but he simply ignores it until it stops. He throws his Vision away, once again.

- The next morning, it shows up once more. But this time, it has a note: should he choose to throw it away again, it will not return until he truly needs it. Kaeya puts it on his belt.

Some notes about this au:

- the wind kinda has its own mind? Venti isn’t going around stalking Kaeya, even if he has a soft spot for him. The wind is generally influenced by its Archon, so naturally, when it felt how much Venti likes Kae, it started following him around. It’s very mischievous.

- Kaeya, despite his initial misgivings and annoyance, does grow to be very fond of the wind. The Wind is his closest friend after Diluc, and he’s only his true, genuine self around the wind. Even if he loves Diluc, he still has to put up masks all the time around him. The Wind doesn’t judge him though, and the Wind won’t tell anyone the secrets he tells it.

- He stops doing this after That Night, and starts greeting the Wind in the way he does everyone; like an old friend, but overly polite and distant. He stops being genuine and starts wearing his masks, even when interacting with the Wind. He lies to it. The Wind mourns.

- Kaeya, after that night, starts using his Vision as a sort of self punishment; a reminder that he will never be free, and that everything he has is fake and fragile.

- Both the Wind and Venti mourn Kaeya.. pretty much all the time. They both love him a lot but boy howdy he has Issues and doesn’t listen to either of them

- They just want their baby to be happy, but he was only genuinely happy for like 5 anxiety ridden years and now he’s even worse

- OKAY SO I WROTE THIS AGES AGO AND THEN KAZUHA CAME OUT AND CONFIRMED THAT THE WIND IS SENTIENT GODDAMN IT

- every time I make a simple au it always ends up having elements of canon in some way

- Anyway. So. Basically Kazukae all the way baby because I am a pathetic allkae whore

- The Wind loves its kiddos so MUCH, and it talks to Kazuha all the time about Kaeya and really wants them to meet

- It just wants both of them to have a friend because of all they lost

- And eventually, Kazuha, after the inazuma quest line, returns to Liyue. But the Wind really wants him to go to Mond so he’s just like yeah baby let’s get it

- So he goes to Mond and the Wind is very excited because!! Kazuha gets to see its Home!! The Home of its archon!! And KAEYA!!! And Kazuha is like yeah bitch loving the energy but why are you so excited

- And then he struts into town and the wind is absolutely BUZZING, like it is ECSTATIC, and it keeps growing in intensity until Kaeya walks up behind him and is all, “oh another outsider?”

- And the wind is absolutely SINGING, just going “Here comes the ~boy~, hello boy, welcome~” and Kazuha has Moment where he’s like “oh! You’re the other guy!” And Kaeya’s like lmao yeah

- Okay but seriously

- The Wind can’t really. Communicate? Very well? And it doesn’t understand concepts like names. So it just knows that these 2 are it’s babies who it loves a lot, so when it tells Kazuha about Kaeya, the most it can say is “find the child with the sad eye”. Child being relative since the wind is older than it’s archon. Anyway when Kazuha DOES meet Kaeya, and feels how overjoyed the wind is, he connects the dots and has a lovely little bittersweet conversation about how the Wind is incredibly fond of him.

- Basically Kazuha going “wow the wind really loves you” (affectionate) and Kaeya going “I suppose it does” (derogatory)

#I have.. so many drafts. eugh #a whole bunch of aus in my notes too but they’re all Kaeya aus so. whoops #to the people who followed me: Why #genshin impact #kaeya #Kazuha #anemo!kae au (the sad one)#au #tw suicidal ideation #tw self destructive behavior #kazukae #just a smidge #long post

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gent · 1 year

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submitting the most half assed last minute essay to my professor liek sorry i didnt put as much effort into this one as i wouldve liked to. i did not think i would be alive to have to turn it in if im being honest.

#that post thats like 'i know my period is coming when i start drafting my suicide note' because. well. yeah.

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neverendingford · 1 year

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funny

to think that there would be a good end

a moment where the book closes

arrogant

to think that I could write my own end

punctuated with periods and commas as I like

hubris

to think that I could tidy up my life in death

a task monumental in life

foolish

to think that just maybe I can cap the bottle

stop my fizz from spilling onto your carpet

sad

to know that I will continue to bubble and churn

burning and sticking to the bottom of every pan I am placed in

they say the warning signs are clear.

giving away items.

closing accounts.

packing personal belongings.

writing letters.

feeling lighter, unburdened.

being happier.

if I could do those things I would have already

fold my laundry neatly

track my finances

clean my room

dress my appearance

release my weight

find closure in my relationships

to think that I could do this any more in death than I could in life

funny

arrogant

foolish

sad

stupid

#this is not a suicide note this is a poem make that clear in your lovely little mind I do not want more anons about people being worried #empaths stay in their own lane challenge #poetry #color says shit #how much you wanna bet I'm gonna have to back in and edit this because it's gonna kill my text spacing #text post #oh cool the spacing stayed like I wanted that's cool I don't have to add periods in it #lmao I said this wasn't a suicide note and then attempted two weeks later. it was sort of one I guess #I went back just now to look at my original draft and the last line was 'stupid man' holy shit I was deep dysphoria hours

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nottakingtoes · 2 years

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i have a long list of of problems that need to be eliminated as soon as possible! and with lots of scientific research and discovery; i’ve found the fastest way to get rid of all of them quickly and efficiently is…(drumroll please!)

Off myself! Almost all my problems boil down to the fact that i am indeed still alive! so as a man of science i must take immediate and swift action to fix this problem.

#tw: sui ideation #drafts for my suicide note #not really #but sorta #i’m fine guys it’s a joke #just school is starting #and i am not ready for this mental attack #shitpost

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