#honestly this has not altered my mental state whatsoever

[girl4music]

So I was watching ‘Once More, With Feeling’ earlier and I was paying more attention to stuff that was happening in the background instead of the forefront because I wanted to see the town folk being compelled to sing and dance and what craziness ensued. And I noticed Willow and Tara’s physical distance a lot in the background of the Magic Box.

The absolute contrast between Willow and Tara sitting around the Magic Box table so close together with hands and arms touching to such distance between them when they’re sat around it later after Tara finds out what Willow did to her the episode before… and what had happened earlier in this episode with them…

God the pain. This is what I mean about how there should be no physical intimacy at all between them while Tara is under that spell. Never mind just sex. Because you know Tara wouldn’t consent to it if she had had her memories. The fact Willow took away her autonomy just so she didn’t have to confront Tara’s disapproval of her use and abuse of magic and so she could continue to make love with a compliant Tara who’s emotional state was altered because of the spell… It really is a double-layered rape/sexual assault.

How could anyone do that to someone they claim to love? It’s fucking horrifying. Henious. Absolutely evil.

Especially since Willow knows the life Tara had had before with her abusive relatives. And as Tara mentions when she confronts Willow in ‘Tabula Rasa’ - what Glory did to her. I just don’t understand how Willow could do that to the woman she loves. And we know she loves her. We know she loves her more than anyone. And we also know she wouldn’t like that being done to her either because her own autonomy is incredibly important and she’d regard it as violation if someone just erased her memories about something that made her upset or angry or disappointed too.

It hurts. It really does hurt as a shipper of them and it honestly has to be the most egregious thing you see any of the main protagonists do in the entire show not just because it’s messing with someone’s mind, but because physical intimacy is involved in the meanwhile it’s messed with. I know Whedon did not intend for ‘Under Your Spell’ to be viewed like this but it is unfortunately how it has to be viewed because if we’re understanding the metaphors of magic = sex in Season 4 and magic = drugs in Season 6 then this is drug-induced date rape. The whole arc with them for the episode. Not just the spell. Not just the sex. The whole manipulation of altering or erasing someone’s mental autonomy to ignore, disregard or even take away their bodily autonomy. It’s the fact Tara cannot validly consent to any of it because if she could it would mean that she’d be aware about the deception and she wouldn’t allow any physical intimacy between them until she resolved her fight with Willow. So any physical intimacy or closeness whatsoever is wrong because it’s not something she would be doing if she had her memories and her true emotional state on it. Her autonomy wouldn’t be violated if she was aware about the fight and the way she felt about the fight. It’s because she isn’t aware why her consent to any physical intimacy between her and Willow is invalid.

I swear I feel like I’m the only one who realizes just how bad what Willow does is because my autonomy is very important to me the way it is very important to Willow. If it goes against MY will - then it’s not valid. And if there’s anybody in the whole show who should understand this it’s Willow. So that’s why it’s so bad. Because she wouldn’t allow it to happen to herself and therefore as soon as Tara said that it was a violation, it should have clicked with her. And yet… it just doesn’t.

How can you be so aware of your own will and yet so oblivious of somebody else’s will at the same time? 🫤

I think it goes all the way back to the ‘Will Be Done’ spell in ‘Something Blue’. She never intended to hurt her friends. It was just a mistake what ended up happening to them. But she wasn’t thinking about them when she attempted to have her will be done with magic. She was only ever thinking about herself. She’s a compassionate person but her mentality is “me me me” all the time. She never seems to look at a situation and not see herself and her own views there. And it’s like the more and more powerful she gets, the more selfish and arrogant and entitled she becomes.

And so we get to Season 6 and she’s saying she’s doing all she’s doing with her powerful magic to “help” and to “heal” and to “make things better”. And her intentions may be true with that but what happens doesn’t help or heal or make things better. Just worse. There is such a disconnect with her ideal and with her reality that it just doesn’t click for her at all that what she’s doing is wrong, is bad, is violating, … is evil. And she’s such a fascinating character to unravel all this with because she is a main protagonist. She is a Scooby. She is someone who you should be rooting for. Agreeing with. Condoning the actions of. But - how can you when all it does is just causes chaos?

I’m not saying she doesn’t care about doing the right thing. I’m saying that she doesn’t recognize that it isn’t right even when she can see the destruction it causes. And that is what is just so fascinating to me about her. That she doesn’t see it herself as wrong. How many actual villains start off that way in storytelling? That view their actions and choices as heroism even when it’s hurting and harming others? Even when it’s causing destruction and chaos and devastation? And how many of them see that it is? Before they’re ever the villain in the story… how many characters start off believing that they’re benevolent before they make the switch to “I am the evil villain”?

It really is no wonder why Willow Rosenberg is my favourite character in the entire Buffyverse when I get this much substance and depth out of her character.

#buffy the vampire slayer #once more with feeling #under your spell #willow and tara #willow rosenberg #alyson hannigan #amber benson #tara maclay #physical intimacy #violation #magic #autonomy #will #consent #characterization #character representation #character development #storytelling

[wehatejulietsimms]

Hey everyone, TED Talk anon here! I thought it would be cool to just listen to ‘Created From Filth and Dust’ and give my honest opinion on each song since this is a blog about Juliet. I tried really hard to not put any ‘disliking Juliet’ bias in here and to just give my honest, unfiltered opinion about each song (and I’m not going to include the three covers since those weren’t written by her or ‘Bad Love’ or ‘100 Little Deaths’ since those are older songs, not really a part of CFFAD). So here’s my review of ‘Created From Filth and Dust’-

Intro Poem- Not gonna lie, it was pretty cool. Song really a song per se, but a good way to start a new album. Just wish the rest of the album actually lived up to what Juliet was hyping it up to be, though the ‘lyrics’ to this poem made pretty much no sense. It was like Juliet was trying to build up Lilith Czar’s ‘aesthetic’ and tried so hard to be poetic that she forgot to add meaning to the poem. The scream at the end was unexpected and a nice touch, though it was kind of obvious Juliet doesn’t know much about metal screams. It sounded really rough and forced and most likely hurt her vocal chords. She should probably learn how to make screamo before making screamo, or else it’s just going to hurt her voice and it’s not going to come out as good as she wanted.

Feed My Chaos- Catchy chorus, but not memorable. The verses are decent with a pretty basic melody, I liked the guitar in the choruses and the bridge, and the lyrics were actually good, but Juliet’s vocals kind of ruined what could’ve been an otherwise great song. She- as I stated before- tried too hard to get the ‘raspy rocker’ voice that she just doesn’t have and it came out scratchy and hoarse, and it kind of destroyed one of the only good songs off this album (and the only one that could actually qualify as ‘rock’).

King- The melody of the verses broke my ears. I’m sorry, but it was just flat-out bad. It sounded like something from a cliché teen movie. Instruments were kind of bland, nothing really catchy. As for the lyrics, I’ve already discussed this before, but they are honestly the opposite of feministic. With the lines ‘Who's to say a woman can't think with her dick?’, ‘Don’t test the switchblade in between my legs’, and ‘If it’s a man’s world, I wanna be king’ plus the actual song title ‘King’ make it sound like she’s saying that men- or at least masculinity- are stronger and better than women, like you have to be masculine to be tough. As for the line ‘If it’s a man’s world wearing the crown’, god I hate that line. It’s basically like she’s saying she’s giving up on ‘feminism’ and ‘women empowerment’ and instead saying ‘It’s a man’s world, we can’t change that, guess I got to act like a man to earn my place now’ instead of actually promoting female empowerment and gender equality. Overall, I hate this song. It’s toxic masculinity, internalized misogyny, and promoting sexist masculinity in women dressed as a femme fatale, and it’s not very appealing to the ears, as well.

Anarchy- Pretty catchy, not gonna lie. The lyrics are good, the drums are catchy, but I can’t really hear the guitar or bass. The only problem I have with this song is that the melody of the chorus and verses are the exact same, like Juliet got lazy and decided to use the same one. It’s not rare in the music industry, per se, but it typically shows that the artist just wanted to get the song over and done with. Other than that, the song was actually pretty good, Juliet’s vocals weren’t as bad as the others, and it was quite memorable. She should’ve stuck with writing songs like this, cause the direction she went in after this one was just awful. Probably the best song off this album but the 'If you fight me you're fighting a whole army' line makes me laugh. Fighting which army, yours or Andy's?

Lola- Kind of boring, not really notable, special, or catchy. Her vocals were decent, the chorus was okay, and the lyrics actually had some sort of meaning, but I’m really indifferent with this song to be honest. Not the best, but not the worst.

In My Head- Meh. The intro guitar was catchy, but the whole time she was more speaking than talking, so it wasn’t really all that entertaining. Also sounds like something from a cliché drama movie, and the lyrics were so confusing. I couldn't tell if she was horny or depressed. It was like she was trying to mix the two and it just wasn’t working. Also it sounded like she was trying to be all ‘edgy’ but that honestly just ended up sounding like she was glorifying mental illness or something, like she’s commending herself for having a ‘fucked-up mind’ or whatever and acting like being messed up in the head makes you a badass.

Unholy- Sounds like it would be in the sex scene of a bad country movie. I don’t really have an opinion on this song. The lyrics are raunchy and personally not for me, her vocals aren’t terrible, the melody isn’t really good, and the instruments are pretty generic. Nothing horrible but nothing special about this song. It has nothing to do with this ‘Lilith Czar’ character Juliet has made (and honestly, neither do most of the songs).

Diamonds to Dust- Kind of boring to be honest. I know it’s supposed to be a sad, slow song but it wasn’t remarkable or artistic in any way, and it low-key sounds recycled from ‘End Of The World’. A pretty crummy way to end an album in my opinion, like a failed ‘Save Rock and Roll’ situation. The lyrics actually made somewhat sense and Juliet’s vocals were pretty good (definitely not to her best potential, but good), but the emotion wasn’t there. Juliet tried to make a sad, touching, and emotive ending to her album but her voice just wasn’t in it. She didn’t show any emotion whatsoever, like she was just reading the lyrics off a page. It overall wasn’t that great of a song.

Overall, I’d say this album was a huge flop. Most of the songs I forgot the melody to right after listening to it, some I straight-up disliked, and the few that were actually good were ruined by one factor or another. The album didn’t have any significant meaning and none of the songs had any deep, important messages to send, or they sent the completely wrong ones. Most of the instruments were kind of generic with a few quality exceptions but Juliet tried so hard to sound like a badass, raspy rocker chic that she forgot to sound good. Also the Lilith Czar thing sort of bugs me. She built and hyped up this character so much but never actually used her, and she didn’t create Lilith just as a stage name like ‘Andy Black’, but as an alter-ego and forgot to so much as mention her after ‘Intro Poem’ or use her supposed symbolism as a feministic female patron (correctly, that is). She changed up the genre every single song, two of the songs aren’t even hers, two of the songs were some of her old ones, and another is just a poem and not even a song. That’s only seven songs with seven original lyrics, seven original melodies, and seven original instrumentals, and even then a lot of them sounded recycled from her old songs or they sounded generic and dull, and Juliet acts like it’s rock and metal but in reality it’s more pop with a few rock influences here and there. All in all some of the worst music Juliet has ever made and I would never recommend this to anyone. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk ✌🏽

oh my gosh i love that you did this. i was actually going to do posts for each of her EPs (both Juliet & Lilith's) giving my opinion on each song. i was just waiting until i had a day off work (bc my weekend is actually thursday and friday lol) but maybe i'll do it when i leave today!

[boredinterview]

Libby Jansing on self-care, snickerdoodles, and divinity.

H: what are you wearing?

L: I’m wearing a striped rainbow sweater and this corduroy jumper thing my aunt got me for Christmas like two years ago. it was hers when she was younger and she gave it to me. she’s like “I saw it and I thought of you!” she’s my godmother.

H: my nanny texted me this morning when I was at cece’s, this picture of these overalls she saw on a facebook ad. she was like “these look like you”, they had like flowers all up and down.

L: that’s so sweet, I love that! I call my grandma nanny too.

H: oh yeah! I feel like we’ve talked about that before.

L: yeah, I love when other people call their grandma, nanny. It’s so sweet. my grandpa who I didn’t really know—he died when I was little—but we called him poppy.

H: dude! I call my grandpa pops, but then on my other side of my family, my dads mom is called grandy. which, she chose that name for herself. she started enforcing it when I was in the womb. and my grandpa, he died when I was little too, but we called him pawpaw.

L: that’s really sweet, I love that. my catholic grandparents were just grandma and grandpa which is like such catholic shit.

H: basic, straightforward, down to business. No frills whatsoever.

L: exactly!

H: so, describe your idea of self-care.

L: I think for me it shifts and changes depending on how I’m feeling. I’ve been really focusing on astrology lately and I think the transits really effect how I interact and take care of myself. It’s been a lot of trying to start new things which I think is because of aries season. starting new things—not even necessarily finishing them—but just starting them is making me feel good. and honestly still just like taking baths every day.

H: yeah, that’s so nice. what kind of new things have you been starting? like creative projects?

L: I’ve started a few things. I’m still working on five commissions that I have left which are projects I need to prioritize since you know they’re for people. I’ve been paid for them so I have to finish them, but I’m getting close on all of them which is good. I purchased a printer so I can print off the shipping labels.

H: hell yeah, that’s great!

L: also my friend Kelly and I are starting a podcast!

H: (excited gasp)

L: it’s an astrology podcast. we also talk about politics, we just have the best interactive mercury signs with one another. I have a gemini mercury and hers is in aries so we just talk talk talk and can’t stop. I’m always thinking constantly but I don’t always take note, I’m better at communicating my ideas out loud rather than writing them out so I’m excited to be communicating on a level like that.

H: yes! that’s so good.

L: yeah, so that’s been fun. I’ve been baking a lot too which I don’t really do usually.

H: amazing. what have you made?

L: I made snickerdoodles the other day just because I had those ingredients in the apartment and like.. they were so good! I felt like I did a really good job.

H: I love snickerdoodle ice cream.

L: snickerdoodles I think are my favorite cookies. I love cinnamon.

H: same! what is something that brings you joy lately?

L: I watch the British baking show a lot, and that brings me joy.

H: I love that show. I need to catch up on it, I know they switched out some of the hosts right? Like Mary Berry isn’t on it anymore.

L: I don’t think anyone’s the same. I haven’t watched the new seasons at all. like the two hosts—I don’t know anyone’s name on it at all—they’re introduced like every episode and I can never remember any names except for Mary Berry. her name is so easy. I know most of them are gone now though.

H: the old ones are nostalgic.

L: it totally does feel like that.

H: okay, what do you miss?

L: I miss thrifting honestly. going to antique stores and just looking at things. I don’t miss buying things, I miss browsing. also I really miss my friends.

H: I feel you. I miss both of those things a lot too.

L: yeah! I miss flea markets.

H: I’ve been so tired of all my clothes too which is so inconvenient! I’m trying to think what I can do at home to alter my clothes.

L: same! I don’t want to online shop for anything that isn’t essential either cause I just feel like that’s shitty.

H: I know. I feel like it’s a little bit irresponsible in a lot of cases.

L: yeah same. I’m also excited to get back in the studio. tommy and I are sharing that studio in Brighton.

H: yeah! the space looks great!

L: it’s part of sew valley. it isn’t really working right now, like their production isn’t going right now. I’m just excited to make clothes but I think I’m going to start crocheting clothes as well.

H: yeah that’s awesome you can just make new shit! It’s a good skill.

what do you not miss?

L: I do not miss working at all. honestly I’ve needed to go to therapy less during this time.

H: (laughing)

L: it’s fucked up. literally that’s how bad capitalism is. like, it’s shitty both ways because I’m not making any money right now and unemployment is really hard to get for whatever reason, but I’m so happy to not be at a restaurant every day. Honestly I think I’ve decided to go to a state school and get my masters in something. I’m thinking about going back to school—that’s what this time is giving me.

H: that’s awesome!

L: yeah.

H: the restaurant industry is so crazy sometimes because it feels like every single day just piles on and you don’t really have time to consider shit like that.

L: not at all.

H: you’re just so spent all the time.

L: yeah I was constantly tired. It was really hard to make things during that time too, I found myself very mentally exhausted all the time. I don’t have the temperament or personality to be a host. I can fake being sweet in that position but it’s hard to be on all the time.

H: yeah, I think that’s the hardest part about it. If you’re having an off day talking to the people who don’t care about you and don’t show you respect is really difficult.

L: yes. that’s exactly it. there’s always people that you meet who are nice, but even people who are kind to you and nice—it can still be exhausting after a while.

H: yeah it’s just so high volume.

L: yes!

H: what is something beautiful you’ve seen lately?

L: there’s a german sheperd that lives above me and this dog is so beautiful. sometimes it sounds like there’s a horse above me (laughing) but this dog is so pretty. I love seeing him every day.

H: that’s beautiful, I love that. that’s a great answer to that question.

describe your concept of divinity.

L: that is such an intense question but I love it. I had a super religious upbringing, going to a catholic school all my life and like even my preschool was Christian. I think I went to one year of public school when I was five. it was a young fives program and it was like… fucking amazing. the public school systems are amazing, we were like planting things in the ground. I think because of that it really engrained in me a need for ritual. catholics are very ritualistic. It’s a very clear stepping stone to me to get into my own spirituality. when I realized, you know—christianity isn’t it. It’s not great. It’s not for me and I don’t think it’s like, net good for the world. I always felt spiritual and connected whether it’s like to other people or the divinity in each other. I feel like everyone has divinity within themselves and it’s just about accessing it and respecting it. I feel like I more so practice it than I know what it is. you know what I mean?

H: totally, it’s a feeling.

L: yeah absolutely. I don’t know what it is. astrology is super important to my spiritual practice and tarot. I don’t know how it works, but it works you know? I don’t understand how these things happen. I love mystery and the mystical. I would be so bummed if I didn’t have that in my life. things that you can’t explain—I think that to me is what divinity is. I see it around me all the time.

H: thank you so much, that was awesome to hear.

L: I love that question. what is it for you, harris?

H: oh man! now I’m being interviewed. I am coming from a similar mind as you. I was not raised religious. I have people in my family like my grandparents are christians but even then we only went to church when I was really little so it didn’t have like a lasting effect on me. in terms of religion I was afraid that it might be real just because of hell, and then I rejected that pretty early once I started to like feel …gay. I was like “this doesn’t add up.”

L: yeah! harris, when I was little and I was like “oh… girls are pretty” probably around eight or something—my reaction was like “I’m going to be a nun when I’m older so I don’t have to think about sex” genuinely! That was my reaction.

H: wow!

L: I feel like I didn’t reject it, I went extreme. that’s like the guilt that comes especially with catholicism, it’s a religion built on guilt. it’s like even if you are worthy of god you’re still a sinner, it’s all built on guilt and like how shit you are as a person. it’s not great, you know? but you started to reject it after you were feeling gay?

H: yeah I stopped putting any stock into religion at all. but I have always been very spiritual as well. I’ve always felt like similar to you, a feeling of connection with my surroundings and things I can’t see or explain. I love astrology because it’s this weird cosmic thing that is just so fun to talk and learn about and somehow rings true. I don’t understand how it’s so accurate but it is. I love the moon (laughing) I love—not to get all over here with it—

L: get over there with it!

H: (laughing) I think poetry is a part of it for me as well, just conjuring things up that feel like they come from somewhere else. there are things that are impossible to understand which is crazy and cool.

L: yeah, I love that. that’s beautiful. thank you harris.

H: yes, thank you!

the next question, what’s your favorite body part?

L: oh my god my favorite body part. I feel like hands are my favorite utility. I’m so grateful for my hands, I think about it all the time. the cutest part for me though is definitely noses. everyone has a good nose.

H: I agree, I agree.

L: it’s such a fixation for people, like an insecurity but I literally see everyone’s nose and I’m like “that’s a cute nose.”

H: yeah! there’s no such thing as a bad nose.

L: no, noses are amazing, I love them. and I feel like smell is such an interesting sense too. it’s so connected with taste. do you remember that chef’s table episode where the chef has cancer on his tongue and he loses the ability to taste and smell the food?

H: yeah!

L: I think about that a lot. smell and taste is so important especially if your life is devoted to it. it does bring a different aspect of joy to life. the external part of it but its function too.

H: yeah, its amazing that he was able to continue and find new ways of creating with food.

L: yeah, so cool!

H: tell me something stupid.

L: (laughing) I could say so many things. because I’m in this new space, this new apartment, my body hasn’t figured out how to be in it yet. I live very much from the shoulders up.

H: YES!

L: and like, from shoulders down we don’t really know what’s happening. it’s a mind of its own. I’m very clumsy. my dad used to call me a bull in a china shop when I was growing up, and that rings true! I’m genuinely not aware of my body. I feel like that’s the gemini stellium, I’m very in the brain and not where the body is. I keep hitting this part of my leg in the same spot every single day and I have this giant bruise. It’s getting bigger because I keep hitting it. It’s in the bathroom, the toilet is just in this location that my body hasn’t gotten adjusted to. it’s the outside of my knee.

H: fuck. you’re body just isn’t with it yet.

L: it usually isn’t with it and in this moment it just has no idea.

H: I hope you start adjusting soon!

L: me too Harris! I think I will. tommy said it’s probably just a matter of time.

H: (laughing) I don’t love that for you but I love it.

L: it’s one of those things I’ll cry in frustration about and then laugh over how silly that is.

H: do you have any confessions to make?

L: (laughing) forgive me harris for I have sinned! confessions, oh my god. I’m transported. probably, you know! I hear my neighbor groaning and moaning a lot and I feel like I’m being too hard on him, you know what I mean? I feel like he’s just a person but my brain is taking me to this place. I feel like he’s an incel that’s going to kill me, and I know that’s irrational. he’s probably just living his life. I have to be careful for myself. I feel like I judge people too hard from a safety standpoint sometimes but I think that’s also without a basis.

Madison: I feel like you’re really good at meeting people though and then changing it. you’re good at not letting your initial judgements cloud when you meet someone.

L: thank you so much Madison, that makes me feel a lot better. I feel like my scorpio rising energy makes me not trust people right away but I try to not let that influence too much. sometimes you have to listen to your intuition but I don’t want it to get in the way of me treating people like people.

H: totally! I also feel like that instinct comes from a place of being a person in the world who is vulnerable. the hesitation is understandable. it’s not necessarily bad.

L: I’m okay having it and I should listen to myself when I’m really feeling something but I don’t want it to get in the way of treating people with humanity, that’s my fear with it. I want to be actively aware of that portion in my brain that jumps there immediately.

H: that’s a practice everybody should be doing definitely.

L: yes, in multiple ways.

H: to bring it to a close I’m going to ask you a series of one word questions.

wanting?

L: food. I’m hungry.

H: wishing?

L: I’m always wishing. fantasy, that’s me. I’m always a little bit in the clouds sometimes.

H: advice?

L: If you have any I’ll take it.

H: I’ll get back to you on that.

L: anyone who feels like they have advice to give me, I’m open. I’m usually not for unsolicited advice but I’m asking for it right now.

H: allowing?

L: myself and others to make more mistakes and not punish them for it. holding people accountable but allowing people to grow and make mistakes.

H: doing?

L: doing crafts! yeah. that’s my answer.

#interview boredinterview

[jinterlude]

Our Second Chance (Ch.6)

↳Story Header © @softjeon​ (do not steal this header!)

➳ Pairing: Kim Seokjin x Female OC x Kim Namjoon

➳ Genre(s): Modern!AU, Royalty!AU, Modern Royal Family!AU , Enemies turned Lovers, Friendship, Humor, Romance, & Angst

➳ Warning(s): None for this chapter

➳ Words: 7K

➳ Summary: Have you ever gotten that familiar feeling when you first see someone? That strange connection between yourselves even though you have no clue where that came from. Yeah…that was the sensation that Sumin felt on a daily basis ever since she has come face-to-face with the one and only Kim Seokjin. Despite being named after their ancestors, two people who were madly in love with each other, these two cannot stand to be in each other’s presence. However, that must change or else history will repeat itself. Sounds like an adventure, right?

※ Previously: ch.1 | ch.2 | ch.3 | ch.4 | ch.5

※ Next time: ch.7 | more coming soon!

Chapter 6 – Might as Well Stab Me in the Heart

Previously

A faint and long groan left her lips as Sumin began to feel the nerves that always accompanied the unwanted attention.

Now, to add insult to injury, she had to choose between Namjoon and Seokjin. Great.

"Sweetheart, who would you like to dance with?" asked her father once more, deep down, knowing that she'd choose Namjoon.

She looked to the right, meeting Namjoon's pleading eyes. They practically screamed at her to pick him. Pick the better guy. Pick the one who had always been there for her. Pick the person who's still ready and willing to catch her.

Then, there was Seokjin, who, too, had this look that begged for her to pick him. Even though he had screwed up royally with her, he wanted a second chance. He's not ready to say goodbye to her. Not now. Not ever. He's prepared to be whatever Sumin wanted him to be. She just needed to say yes...

"I...um...choose..."

Eager eyes remained focused on the anxious, confused, princess. A variety of questions filled their minds as their curiosity grew.

Who would the princess choose to be her partner?

Why was she incredibly hesitant?

More importantly...

Why hasn't she chosen Namjoon?

Every member, royal blood or not, knew of their arranged marriage. There had been talks that it would be the most beautiful ceremony that the people would ever see.

Yet...

There had been no official date...no talks of wedding dresses...nothing.

Sumin knew deep in her heart that she could not marry a man she did not love. She knew that everyone deserved a chance of finding true happiness, and she did.

She found her true happiness in...

"Seokjin," Sumin shyly peeked up at the handsome duke, "It would be an honor if you would be my partner for this dance." She said softly as a faint pinkish hue appeared on her cheeks.

Seokjin sighed softly with a short smile. He took a step back and bowed deeply out of respect.

"Princess Sumin, it would be my pleasure to be your partner." He replied; his genuinely happy eyes met hers. Honestly, happiness would not even begin to cover his emotions right now.

Maybe there was hope for them yet...

The king nodded slowly, while he did want to "suggest" that she danced with her fiancé; instead, he knew that it would not make his precious daughter happy. It would only cause more sadness within her heart, and that was something that he could never want to happen to Sumin.

"Wonderful!" He shouted, turning his attention towards the orchestra, "As it is a tradition for the princess to dance with a suitor of her choice, I think it only fits that they dance to the music that played for my ancestor, Queen Sumin I, on her eighteenth birthday!" He announced, waving his hands grandly.

This feeling of bewilderment crashed against their bodies. Did they hear Sumin's father correctly? The orchestra was to play the song that played the night of Queen Sumin I's eighteenth birthday? Also known as the night that she and Sir Seokjin, I essentially announced that they were on the right path to the alter.

Oh, my goodness...

"Maestro, if you please." The king politely ordered before stepping away from the center of the dance floor. He had to make room for a couple of the hour.

With slow breathes, Sumin grew more nervous with passing moment. How on Earth was she supposed to dance to the song that's pretty much the love theme for her ancestor and Seokjin's ancestor?

Easy.

She couldn't.

She honestly felt like she shouldn't be even sharing this loving moment with someone who had broken her heart.

Yet...

At the same time...

She didn't give a damn.

No one could ever make her feel this way—this broad spectrum of emotions that kept her on her toes.

One moment she loathed Seokjin, plotting every single way possible to murder the man. Then, the next, she was head over heels in love with him, wanting Seokjin to be absolutely, unconditionally happy.

There's never a middle point whenever it came to Seokjin.

With one final deep breath, Sumin slowly exhaled, releasing all of her nervous energy. Shen then finally placed her hand gently on top of Seokjin; unknowingly, creating this electrified sensation between them.

Seokjin smiled softly before leading the two of them to the center of the dancefloor. While he looked calm and collected on the outside, on the inside, he was an absolute mess.

Quite honestly, he did not believe that she would choose him to be her partner after everything he had put her through. Deep within his heart, he firmly believed that she would have selected Namjoon, and the two of them lived happily ever after.

However, by the goodness of their hearts, Gods of romance decided to take pity on his poor soul. They had graciously bestowed him this surprise second chance. It was if they were telling him that this, this moment, was his one final chance. Create the happy ending that his ancestor failed to achieve

And so...he did.

He was going to use this opportunity to lay it all on the table.

He would allow Princess Sumin to have the power to choose who she wants—who her heart yearns for.

The soft yet impactful sounds of the flute echoed throughout the ballroom. Soon, the violins followed after as every single guest waited with eager eyes for the princess and her chosen partner to dance.

It was quite interesting. The last time this song had been played was the eve of Queen Sumin's I eighteenth birthday—when she danced with her beloved knight, Sir Seokjin I.

So, it only fitted that this song played when Princess Sumin II and Lord Seokjin II had to dance together. It was if their ancestors messed with the chess pieces on the board to ensure that this exact moment occurred.

If they didn't get their happy ending, then that didn't mean that their kin couldn't either.

They just needed a push...

Quickly bowing out of respect, Seokjin soon returned to his original position. He gently placed his hand on Sumin's waist while the other softly grasped her right hand. Feeling the softness of her skin sent his mind into a wild frenzy, but he controlled it. The last thing he wanted was to be this giant bumbling mess around her, mostly if he was too apologize for hurting her unintentionally.

"Ready?" He mouthed with a huge smile.

Sumin couldn't help but blush as she nodded slowly.

Seokjin returned the nod as he mentally counted down the beats. The moment he reached the number, "one", he signaled Sumin that he was about to begin. He stepped forward as she stepped back; thus, initiating the classic "Waltz".

The two of them danced, practically gliding around the ballroom. The gleam in their eyes twinkled brightly as nothing but smiles of content slowly graced their faces.

Their mind was in the most calming state. Their hearts no longer raced against their chest. No more sense of anxiety that lingered within them.

They were just...themselves.

"Sumin..." Seokjin began softly, waiting for Sumin's acknowledgment. Once he saw that he had it, he continued, "I...I just wanted to say that I am extremely sorry for running out on you last month. Especially, without giving you a proper explanation and then ignoring your calls and text messages."

Sumin smiled sadly; her eyes trailed to the floor.

"It is quite alright..." She said softly, trying her best to ignore the aching pain in her heart. It was if her heart said, "No. It is not quite alright for you to hurt me the way you did, especially after everything good between us."

If only she dared to tell him that...

Fortunately, for her, Seokjin saw right through her lies. A fun trait skill he had developed after spending an incredible amount of time with her.

"You know...You wouldn't hurt my feelings if you told me the truth. I know I was a giant ass to you, so please...just talk to me." He said, coaxing her into confessing what's on her mind.

Sumin's eyes focused on the handsome Lord. A faint gasp escaped her lips as she became utterly shocked to hear him say that. To reassure her that it was okay to be hurt because of him.

So...

She let him have it...

"You want my honest feelings? Okay. Fine. My feelings towards you are nothing but complete betrayal. I have done nothing that could warrant such a horrid response to you except display my ancestor's engagement ring around my neck," Sumin paused, taking a moment to control herself. The last thing she wanted was to receive judgment from the rest of the royals. "At first, I blamed myself for wearing something that could trigger you to the point of you ignoring me for an entire month. But then, after talking to Sowon, it's not my fault whatsoever," She halted in her steps, putting an end to their little dance, "It's yours." She declared before removing herself from his hold and turning around to leave.

Rough whispers were heard as every single guest began to gossip about the princess.

What did she and Seokjin talk about that could have caused her to leave?

Why did she choose him in the first place?

What's going to happen next?

Seokjin stood there, feeling a bit embarrassed to be left behind, but he soon snapped back into reality. He ignored the judgmental looks from both the party guests and Namjoon as he dashed off after Sumin.

Coming into this party, he was determined to fight for her—and so he did.

"Sumin, wait!" Seokjin hollered; his footsteps echoed throughout the empty corridor. He loosened up the tie, unbuttoned some of the top buttons of his dress shirt, and carelessly tossed aside his suit jacket. If he had to chase after the woman of his dreams, he might as well be comfortable doing it.

He picked up the pace of his steps, running down the dimly lit hallway, as he frantically searched for the princess—his princess.

Rough and sporadic breathing came out of the mature teen. Sounds of metal clanking against something could be heard throughout the stone walls of the castle. Hurried and loud steps alerted every single castle worker that someone was in trouble with a certain princess.

Not again...

Sir Seokjin looked everywhere in the castle grounds but no sign of his lovely companion. Before, they had rather intense spats between them. Yet, it never caused his beloved to hide from him.

"Princess Sumin!" cried a seventeen-year-old Seokjin. "Princess Sumin!"

A frustrated growl emitted from his lips as he grew frustrated. Not at his love but himself. It was because of him bringing up the prospect of her marrying someone else that irritated her.

And...

Well...

You get the gist.

The newly appointed personal knight of Princess Sumin searched high and low throughout the castle grounds. He looked at all of her usual hideout places, and as he searched the music room, this look of realization washed over him.

If he were his princess, he would pick the one place that would make significant meaning yet not as obvious.

She was the gazebo that settled nicely in the center of the rose garden.

The teen rushed out of the music room and headed straight for the garden where his princess waited.

He exerted every ounce of stamina he had left until the soft, salty air greeted his body. A light breeze brushed his cheeks, swooping through his locks of hair. It was as if Mother Nature had comforted him before he pretty much begged for mercy at the hands of his future wife. Though, Sumin didn't know that quite yet.

Taking a moment to catch his breath, his eyes focused on a familiar backside. The way her hair slightly swayed because of the wind. How the subtle sun rays illuminated her body nicely, creating this holy aura around her.

He saw how tranquil she looked caused his heart to skip a beat and practically pound against his chest.

And to think...he had just calmed it down enough so that it wouldn't be heard when he talked to Sumin.

With one final deep breath, Seokjin stepped forward. He maneuvered through the rose garden until he reached the pavilion. The same pavilion where he had confessed his feelings for his childhood friend. The same pavilion where they had become a couple.

"Sumin..." He began softly, alerting the princess of his presence.

"What do you want, Sir Seokjin?" She questioned coldly, unbothered to give him her attention.

Seokjin flinched at her harsh tone, but he deserved it. Not even a few months of calling her his, he had suggested that she should marry someone else.

Way to go, Seokjin.

"I come in peace, my princess." He announced in a cautious tone of voice, taking a step closer to his woman.

Sumin scoffed softly, glancing behind her shoulder. If they were not fighting right now, Seokjin would say that she looked quite alluring with an annoyed expression.

Gotta love teenage hormones.

"Why? Come to suggest some suitors for me to marry and more than likely produce heirs with?" She asked in a snarky tone, turning her head away from him.

Seokjin sighed, taking a few more steps until she was within reach of him. Not caring if she'd elbow him in the gut, he wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his head on her shoulder.

"I am incredibly sorry for saying something in my momentary lapse of judgment." He said softly; his voice almost a whisper.

Sumin's lips quivered. A sign that signified she was about to cry.

The apologetic adolescent instantly noticed it and placed a sweet kiss on her cheek. He repeated his actions, making sure that Sumin knew how loved she was by him.

"I do not want you to marry someone else. My heart would shatter into millions of pieces if I saw you kiss and love someone that was not me." He confessed before nuzzling his nose against the crevice of her neck.

A soft sigh of content escaped her sweet lips. The hurt princess closed her eyes, taking a moment to enjoy his embrace and his sweet yet sexual actions.

"Can you forgive me?" He asked, lifting his head away from her beautiful neck and tilting it in a way so that their gazes could meet.

Sumin opened her eyes, finally meeting Seokjin's pleading stare, and said,

"I forgive you. Just do not joke like that again."

"Never again."

Currently standing outside, the anxious duke stared at the princess's backside. He drank in the sight that he had been blessed with.

He took note of how the full moon acted as a spotlight for the pavilion. How the soft autumn breeze brushed through her entire body, lightly swaying Sumin's dress.

What a familiar feeling he experienced. It was if Seokjin felt connected to his ancestor now more than ever.

With one final deep breath, Seokjin gained enough courage to take a step forward. The sounds of his dress shoes connecting with the wood floor alerted the heartbroken princess.

Sumin swiftly turned around, her eyes red from the tears that trickled down her cheeks.

"I have nothing more to say to you. Now, leave." She declared coldly, pointing towards the castle.

If this were any other person or situation, he would gladly leave; however, after realizing that he fell completely in love with Sumin, he wasn't going anywhere.

"Well, that's good because I have a lot to say, and I just want you to listen." He fired back, walking closer to the angered princess. He continued to close the gap between their bodies until he had her caged against him. Her back pressed firmly against the wooden railing as her hands gripped the edge of it.

Her breathing grew harder as his sudden bold action only agitated her.

"You better create some space between us, or else I will call for my guards." She threatened, narrowing her eyes at the handsome man.

Seokjin simply waved away her empty threats. While her facial expression told him that she was about ready to slap him, the sounds of her beating heart told him otherwise. Yes, she was too pissed off at him, but she was willing to listen.

"Just give me five minutes. That's all I want." He practically begged.

Sumin observed the pleading look in his eyes how his lips quivered as if he was about to burst into tears.

Maybe five minutes wouldn't hurt.

"Fine. Five minutes and then I'm leaving." She said, crossing her arms against her chest. Not because she had grown frustrated with the man, but to prevent their chests from touching one another.

Honestly, it was taking every ounce of her sanity not to capture his lips right then and there.

"Thank you," He whispered with a look of gratefulness.

Sumin forced a smile before dropping it quickly as if she telepathically told him that he didn't have much time. Five minutes would be over before he'd even realized it.

"I know it's my fault that I ran out on you like that. There's honestly no genuine reason why I had been a complete asshole to you. Again, I apologize for it," He began, taking a moment to compose his thoughts, "I had an inkling that you would be handed down the ring that my ancestor had given yours, so I don't know what possessed me to get so worked up to the point that I just couldn't bear to be in your presence. Then, during the month when I had ignored you, I took the time to seriously think about all the possibilities as to why I acted like a coward and behave the way I did." He paused, contemplating if he was ready to confess his innermost feelings for the woman. If he was prepared to sever his friendship with Namjoon over someone who he, at first, barely tolerated but had grown to love and want nothing more but to hers.

The answer?

Yes.

He was ready to lay it all out there.

Sumin, on the other hand, tried to wrap her mind around what she just heard, what she saw in Seokjin's sudden change in demeanor. The way his ears became this bright red; a sign that she had realized that it meant he had grown nervous about something.

Then, it hit her.

He was about to confess something.

Whether it be good or bad, she had yet to determine it. All she knew, right now, was that he was about to say something that could be life-changing—for both of them.

"And what did you realize?" She questioned softly, though, her gut already had a hunch.

Seokjin's eye bore right into hers; the intensity of the gaze became so strong to the point that Sumin wanted to look away, but she couldn't.

Then, his face began to draw near, closing the tiny space that was between them.

"That the ring you wear around your precious neck is a symbol of our ancestor's love, and it would be a huge honor if you were to allow me to put that ring on your finger." He answered in a calm tone of voice.

Sumin gasped softly; her mouth slightly agape. Her mind screamed at her to say yes, as did her heart. Her entire body wanted to shout at the top of the cliff, yet nothing came out.

"What are you trying to say?" She asked, wanting to make sure that he was indeed confessing his love for her as she had thought.

Seokjin smiled sweetly, "I'm saying is that I'm in love with you, and it would be such an honor if I can call you mine."

Yup.

He was indeed confessing his romantic feelings for her.

"I love you too." She said sweetly as tears began to form in Sumin's eyes—happy tears.

Seokjin's heart soared. Did he just hear right? She accepted his confession and even returned it?

God, he could die happy right now.

Without a moment to lose, Seokjin grabbed Sumin's face and connected their lips. He poured every ounce of love; he had developed for the princess into the kiss.

Honestly, nothing and no one could ruin their moment.

Not Sumin's father.

And not Namjoon...

After what seemed like hours of pure and utter bliss, the happy couple pulled apart. Their lips bright red and plump from the passionate kiss they had just shared. Their faces were a bit flushed as their eyes remained fixated onto each other.

A few nervous chuckles escaped their lips as they swiftly wrapped their minds around the fact they had just confessed their love for each other and then initiated an intense make-out session. 

Yep.

Sounds about right.

"Should we return to the ballroom? I think everyone is wondering where we're at." Seokjin randomly suggested, though, secretly, he didn't want to. If he could, he'd rather have the two of them to stay right inside the pavilion, enjoying the crisp autumn night air.

Sumin chuckled at Seokjin's randomness.

"I mean, we should..." She began, trailing on, "But, I don't want to." She finished, wrapping her arms around Seokjin's waist and burying her face in his chest.

The ecstatic man chuckled at Sumin's response, finding her behavior quite adorable right now.

He then reached up and wrapped both his arms around the princess, securing her against him as if he was afraid that someone or something would separate them.

However, seconds later, his grip began to loosen. While it was ideal for just the two of them to spend some time together after such a significant milestone in their lives, they had royal duties to attend to—mostly—Sumin.

She had to tell her father that her engagement with Namjoon was off and that she had officially found someone that she wanted to marry.

Leaning up to kiss Seokjin one last time, she pecked his plump lips sweetly. She couldn't help but smile into the kiss, showing how happy she was with him.

Seokjin too returned the smile before kissing her lips a few times.

Once they officially broke apart, Seokjin interlaced their fingers together and then led them back inside.

"You ready to face the rather judgmental party guests?" the duke heard Sumin playfully ask.

Seokjin peered down, flashing an amused smirk, "I didn't know my parents were in attendance." He teased back, earning himself both a smack on the arm and chuckle from the princess. His princess. "The slap was worth it because I got you to smile." He stated, grinning brightly.

Sumin's face flushed as she quickly averted her gaze from him.

She felt her cheeks become incredibly hot from how bad she blushed. Who would've thought that he would have this type of effect on her?

Not even Namjoon caused this type of reaction during his incredible façade around their parents.

This just showed her how real this was between her and Seokjin. The genuine love the two of them shared. The complete and utter happiness that they experienced from the moment after confessing to right now.

Everything was real, and that was going to stay...

Walking hand-in-hand into the ballroom, Seokjin and Sumin stood right in the entryway; their faces displayed a sense of euphoria. They were to be unbothered by the opinionated stares and gossip that they would more than likely receive from the royal guests.

Out of the corner of his eye, Namjoon saw the happy couple. His heart tightened at the awful sight of seeing his dearest friend holding hands with the love of his life.

Well, that would soon change the moment Sumin talked to her dad.

However, until that happened, he still had a chance to change Sumin's mind and perhaps ruin Seokjin's chances for good.

While, yes, he had lived with the mantra of "her happiness is my happiness," he just couldn't see himself allowing the duke to win over Sumin's heart. Not after what he had done to her.

If anything, he'd rather see her marry Yoongi or even Hoseok. Anyone but the person who had created an entire month of sorrow for her.

Gulping down the last of his champagne, Namjoon placed the glass flute on the table. He stood up, fixing his jacket, and then headed over to Sumin and Seokjin. He quickly mustered the most believable smile as he neared the romantic duo.

"Hey, guys." Namjoon greeted the two simply, placing a friendly arm on Seokjin's shoulder.

The two soon-to-be-engaged couple directed their attention over to the prince. Two different reactions were visible. Sumin looked genuinely happy to see her best friend while Seokjin looked ready to punch Namjoon for ruining his last chances of talking to her.

However, he also had to thank him for doing it that because if Namjoon hadn't sabotaged his chances, then Seokjin wouldn't have had the perfect opportunity for confessing his love for Sumin.

The irony of it, right?

"So, I see that the two of you worked it out." The secretly angry prince said, gesturing to their intertwined hands.

Sumin nodded, smiling brightly, "Yep! Now, I just need to tell my father that our engagement is officially off because I have chosen someone myself." She said, untangling her hand from Seokjin's, "If you gentlemen will excuse me, I need to go find my father." She added, turning towards Seokjin, "I will be right back." She told him before kissing him on the cheek and then leaving.

Both Seokjin and Namjoon smiled at her, waiting for her to be out of their line of sight so that they could drop the little act.

Once she was no longer in sight, the two immediately lost their smiles.

This look of complete seriousness washed over them as the tension suddenly became grave.

"We need to talk," Namjoon suggested bluntly.

Seokjin quickly agreed and then followed the prince out in the hallway.

The two fellas ventured deeper into Sumin's castle, not wanting their argument to be heard by anyone but themselves.

The words they were about to say did not need an audience.

It was personal...

Halting in their steps, Namjoon glanced around, making sure that no one would stumble on them.

While Seokjin leaned on one side of his body against the wall. He crossed his arms over his chest as this disinterested expression slowly appeared on his handsome face.

"Okay. You got me out in the middle of Sumin's foyer. Now talk." Seokjin demanded rudely, already fed up with the conversation, and it hadn't even started yet.

Namjoon scoffed at Seokjin's closed off behavior. The conversation was already off to a great start...

"What are your intentions with Sumin? You go from hating her guts to practically falling head over heels in love with her. What gives man?" Namjoon questioned, wanting to get to the bottom of everything.

Seokjin raised one of his brows, "Why do you care? Weren't you the one the told me that I should give her an honest chance?" He fired back.

This time it was Namjoon's turn to raise his brow.

"Yeah, but I thought you would've fucked up majorly and then have her pretty much loathe you to the point that she realizes that she should marry me because I would never hurt her." He explained, slowly exposing his true intentions. Intentions that were hidden from everyone, especially his friends.

A look of utter disbelief graced Seokjin's face. He then pushed himself off the wall and walked right in front of Namjoon.

"Now, I get it. You are completely in love with Sumin, and it kills you knowing that she has chosen me," He leans closer just a bit, "And not you." He finished, saying each word slowly.

Namjoon growled; his eyes practically became slits as he wanted nothing more but to punch Seokjin in his smug face.

"It doesn't matter. She can learn to love to me after you somehow fuck things up with her yet again," The prince took a step back, "In fact, I'm counting down to it because that just goes to show you that once again, I will be there to catch her when you let her down for the final time." Namjoon said, smiling smugly.

Seokjin's breathing became heavy. His hands balled into a fist.

Yep.

He wanted to punch Namjoon so severely.

"And how do you know that I'm going to let her down? Now that we both confessed our love for each other, I'm going to do my fucking best to make sure that I don't screw things up with her." Seokjin opened his hands, "So, as much as I want to continue this conversation, I rather go talk to my princess," He then positioned his left hand above his eyebrow, ready to salute his soon-to-be ex-friend, "See ya, Prince Namjoon." He said coldly, turning away from him.

Namjoon breathed heavily, incredibly shocked with how things turned out. He honestly did not see their conversation going this route.

He didn't see their friendship going this way...

"What about Sumin, Seokjin?!" Seokjin heard Namjoon yell.

Unknown to them, an intruder heard as well...

After having an interesting talk with her father, Sumin glanced around, hoping to see Seokjin still standing where she had left him. But when she had noticed that both Namjoon and Seokjin were gone, she had to find them.

The princess quickly excused herself from both her mother and father's presence and maneuvered through the billions of guests, hoping to find them lingering around.

When she couldn't find their faces, Sumin immediately went searching for Sowon. Maybe she had a clue as to where they had gone.

Sumin pushed through the guests, thanking the stars that Sowon was staying close to the bar with Jungkook by her side. The princess quickly asked her dearest friend if she had seen either Namjoon and Seokjin, and just as the queen was about to answer, Jungkook beat her to it. The prince told her that he had seen the two of them walk out. They looked tense.

That wasn't good...

Sumin quickly thanked Jungkook and hurried out of the ballroom, bunching up parts of her dress as she did not want to trip while searching for them.

She practically jogged down the corridor; the sounds of her heels clicking against the marble floor echoed throughout the castle grounds.

"Where are you?" She nervously thought as this feeling of anxiousness filled the pit of her stomach.

She gradually picked up the pace as her eyes looked in every single direction. She silently prayed that she'd find them before anything drastic happened.

"What about Sumin, Seokjin?!" Sumin heard Namjoon shut just as she was seconds away from coming face-to-face with Seokjin.

Not wanting to be seen, she quickly ducked behind a nearby wall and waited for the conversation to continue.

She subtly peeked her head out and saw Seokjin stop in his tracks and immediately turn around.

"What do you want me to say, Namjoon?! That, I do not love her at all," She saw Seokjin take a step towards Namjoon, "That, I just told her all those things hours earlier because I wanted to practice my acting skills and see if I can fool her into thinking that I am honestly in love with her! Well, there you go. I do not love her, nor will I ever genuinely fall in love with her! Now, you can be her knight-in-shining-armor and protect her from me!" Sumin heard Seokjin announce, breaking her heart piece by piece.

Seriously, it felt as if someone punched her in the chest. That's how bad her heart ached.

Her mouth became agape as she felt utterly flabbergasted—confused—with Seokjin's words.

So, what he had told her was a lie?

A...fucking...horrible...lie...?

Tears cascaded down her cheeks as Sumin tried her hardest to silence her sobs. Her legs became wobbly as she no longer had the strength to remain standing. She eventually collapsed onto the marble floor as her breathing became sporadic.

Heartbreak sucked...

Not wanting to be anywhere near them, Sumin ran out of her hiding spot. She could care less if the two boys were alerted to her presence.

She simply no longer cared about anything...

But...if only she stayed a few seconds longer, she would've heard something that would put an end to her unwanted heartache.

"There, does that make you feel better, Namjoon? Does this help your pride knowing that I have said these untrue things about the woman I love? No, right?" Seokjin paused, taking a quick moment to compose himself, "If you truly valued her happiness, then you would simply bow out right now and allow her to be happy with me." He said. "Seriously, give her and I the chance to have our love blossom into something more because I swear to you, I will never hurt her again." He added with determination lacing his words.

Just as Namjoon opened his mouth to say something, the two of them heard the sounds of rushed, fleeting footsteps. The sounds instantly alerted them, causing their eyes to widen.

The color drained from their faces the second they registered that the fleeing intruder was Sumin.

"Shit...!" Seokjin cursed, rushing after Sumin once again with Namjoon closely trailing behind.

Tears streamed down her eyes as the broken princess ran down the corridor, ignoring the worried expressions on the castle workers that she had unfortunately passed by. She continued to run, uncaring about the fact that she was headed straight for the ballroom.

All was on her mind was that she needed to cry on someone's shoulder so naturally, she ran towards the one person who's always there for her.

Sowon.

The distraught princess halted in her steps, her breathing incredibly sporadic. Through teary eyes, Sumin glanced around the ballroom, praying that Sowon was still in her original position.

And luckily...she was.

Sumin bunched up her dress and swiftly walked over to the queen. She politely pushed by the many party guests until the gap between her and her dearest friend decreased.

Not bothered to tap the queen on the shoulder, Sumin flung herself in Sowon's arms, alerting both the queen and her prince.

Confusion etched on Sowon's face as she could not understand why her soft princess currently sobbed her eyes out.

Then, it hit her.

That fucking duke...

"Jungkook..." She began, calling for the young lad's attention, "Can you take care of my princess?" She asked calmly, gently rubbing Sumin's back.

Jungkook cocked up a brow, "Why?" He asked slowly.

Suddenly, an evil yet sweet smile graced her face.

"Because I'm about to murder two idiotic assholes for hurting my princess." She answered simply with a murderous gaze.

Jungkook's eyes widened as Sumin was suddenly thrust into his arms, and Sowon began to walk in the direction of the entryway. From what he could see, the pissed off woman was cracking her knuckles, ready to punch Seokjin right in his handsome face.

Not wanting her to get into a scandal and wage war on a neighboring kingdom, Jungkook swiftly dashed after Sowon, gently tugging Sumin with him.

As he closed the gap between him and Sowon, he stretched one of his arms and then quickly wrapped it around the angry queen's body.

Sowon was caught off guard, but before she could fight against his grasp, she felt her body being lifted.

"Put me down this instance!" She hollered, earning a few glances by random bystanders.

Jungkook firmly shook his head as he positioned her over his shoulder but remembered to make sure that she still look dignified.

"Sorry, my independent, gorgeous, fiery queen, but I cannot." He said nervously as he and Sumin began walking towards a vacant area of the ballroom.

Usually, the compliments swooned the headstrong queen, but not this time. It just merely pissed her off even more.

"Why the fuck not, Kook?" She practically growled as she thought, "He's fucking lucky that I am turned away from him..."

Jungkook glanced over his shoulder, meeting Sumin's gaze, "Because, I don't want you to get into trouble with Seokjin's kingdom." He answered truthfully.

Sowon, on the other hand, scoffed. She didn't give a fuck if she declared war against Seokjin's kingdom. She wanted him to pay for how badly he broke her soft princess.

Hm...war didn't sound like a bad idea...

Sumin knew the look on Sowon's face. Whatever her interesting friend currently thought about, it wasn't right.

"No, you cannot declare war against Seokjin and his kingdom..." Sumin told the queen, earning a few grumbles from Sowon.

"I can't declare war, but do I want to? Yes. Yes, I would like to wage war against that stupid prick for hurting you." The queen said, making a good point.

Sumin forced a smile, "I'm sure you do, but I don't want you to..." She paused, sighing, "I just want to forget about tonight." She said somberly in a soft tone of voice.

Sowon frowned, "I know you do, sweetie. I know you do."

"Like, a huge part of me is devastated after hearing Seokjin say that he fooled me into thinking that he loves me. Then, the other part of me wants to know if there was something else that could've compelled him to say that. Like, maybe he wanted to make Namjoon feel better or something." Sumin paused, halting in her steps for a moment, "I can't accept that Seokjin would do a complete turnaround." She confessed, her voice almost a whisper.

Sowon made a noise as she could bear the sight of her dearest friend in so much pain. She noticed that the princess's chest hitched just a bit—a tiny sign that told her that Sumin was about to cry again.

The more Sumin talked about it, the more it just pained her as she slowly realized that maybe...just maybe...Seokjin told the truth.

He truly did not love her, after all...

Just as the queen opened her mouth, Jungkook said something that caused her to shut it.

"I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from, especially since you're more than likely going to think that I'm simply defending my friend, but I can honestly tell you that Seokjin is not that great of an actor." The strong prince confessed, gently setting Sowon down.

Sumin stared blankly at the prince as she told him that he seemed entirely believable when he had said to her that he had fallen in love with her.

Jungkook sighed, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his dress pants.

"Well, that's because he was telling you the truth." He said, resulting in a smack upside the head from Sowon. "Okay. Ow! But, I'm telling the truth. I have known Seokjin since I was a teenager, and he fucking sucks at lying. Like, there's this one time where I had asked him for an opinion on whether if I should denounce my title as the prince or not, and do you want to know what he said?" He asked, earning nods from both Sowon and Sumin, "That stupid older friend of mine said that I should give up my throne and live up in the mountains where I can be raising a bunch of goats and rabbits." He stated, revealing how terrible Seokjin's idea was.

Sumin blinked a few times, while Sowon looked appalled by the duke's stupid idea.

"Exactly...so I wouldn't take what you heard Seokjin say to heart," Jungkook said to Sumin, smiling just a bit.

Sumin sighed as her mind grew even more confused. While, it helped to know that Jungkook solidified her optimistic thoughts but, on the other hand, she reached her breaking point when it came to Seokjin.

She didn't know if she wanted to set herself up for heartache for the third time...

"I appreciate what you had to say about Seokjin, but I don't know if I can handle yet another heartbreak," Her eyes trailed to the floor, "My soul definitely can't handle another one," Sumin confessed quietly, feeling tears pool in her eyes.

Both Sowon and Jungkook looked sympathetically at the princess, silently wishing that they could something for her—especially Jungkook since it was technically his fault that Namjoon and Seokjin behaved the way they did. It was his fault that Namjoon gained a surge of confidence when it came to Sumin.

It was because of him that Namjoon egged Seokjin into saying those hurtful lies.

Way to go, Jungkook...Way...to...go...

Moments of silence passed by as the three of them simply stood there. Sowon and Jungkook acted as shields from any nosy bystander while Sumin remained crouched down; her back rested against the wall.

A blank expression was written all over the princess' face as she succumbed to her negative thoughts.

It was crazy that in just a few minutes, she went from battling between her rational and emotional side to only allowing her emotional side to take control.

Now, she thought about everything and anything that led to more emptiness within her body.

Maybe, she should just marry Namjoon. He wouldn't hurt her. He would always protect her from any form of danger.

But then...

Would she be happy with him?

Would she learn to love him?

So many questions flooded her mind, causing this strange yet intense tension to emerge.

Great, now she had a migraine...

What else could go wrong?

"Princess Sumin...your father would like a word with you." She heard the royal messenger say.

Fuck...

Her...

Life...

"Okay. Tell my father that I'll be right there."

A/N: Wah?! After like 84 years of not updating this story, I finally came back with a long update! Seriously, I am actually surprised that this chapter managed to reach 7K words. The most I have ever written was like 6.5K words. Maybe more, but I never reached 7K haha That just shows you guys how much I love this universe :)

Anyway, I hope guys like this update! I’m not sure when I will start writing ch.7 since I have three teacher exams to take this month, a lot of Human Development assignments, a project for my Psychology class, and making sure I don’t fail my Physics class lol More than likely, I will resume writing my own stories around December since that’s when I will be done with school! 

Wish me luck on my many assignments! :D

Don’t forget to leave a comment/like/reblog/and an ask in my inbox! I love hearing your thoughts!

- Kim

p.s did you guys enjoy that little flashback to Fight for Me era Sumin & Seokjin? I know I did :)

#kpopwonderlandtag #kwritersworldnet #thekpopnetwork #bangtanarmynet #btsguild #jinsnetwork #prettyboysnetwork #/mystories #bts #bts au #bts au fanfic #bts stories #bts fanfic #bts seokjin #bts jin #bts x oc #bts royal #bts royal au #bts angst #bts friendship #kim seokjin #seokjin #seokjin fanfic #jin #jin fanfic #jin x oc #our second chance

[peteargriffin69420]

Mental Health: Quitting SSRI (week one)

Tumblr is a blogging site so how about I blog about something serious. I’ve been on 40mg Prozac for roughly 11 years, I started it in 2007 and am now quitting it.  For anyone who has been on SSRI anti-depressants, we will all have different stories however I want to *sorta* explain my “Discontinuation Syndrome” (aka: Withdrawal). I am not saying that you shouldn’t go on SSRI sometimes it is something much needed but also I think at least in United States, it is over prescribed.  If I knew what I would be in for 11 years ago I would totally *NOT* have opted in for it. I will say they changed my life but there has had to be other ways to help me out.  So for the past few weeks I was researching as I was running out of my medication. I considered breaking my capsules into smaller ones and ‘weening’ off of it and then I considered stopping cold-turkey. I stopped cold-turkey as research I had done showed that even slowly dropping it doesn’t matter.  With the aide of a doctor who agreed to help me manage only these symptoms  from quitting the best we can and my own research I am working on figuring out how to get to normalcy and correct the damage that this has done. (Damage that I’m not exactly sure yet but I was reading about frontal lobe blunting and basically it makes you dumber in the frontal cortex region of the brain - I’m not an expert but this is just what I am understanding.) I had an anxiety disorder when I was younger and I think it’s mostly cleared up besides random episodes which are safer to take an ‘as needed’ medication when I start to feel the issues come on. More under the cut because it got long;;

For one; Do not quit or stop taking an SSRI or any other medication without the help of a doctor to some degree. I am only mentioning what is so far easing my symptoms and what the symptoms are as they come. It has been roughly a week since I took anything. Please note too, most SSRI take at least a month to get out of your body however some people are sites/youtube have expressed that they have had discontinuation issues for up to a year. Again: These are what I am having as issues so far. Point One: Physical Side Effects - Headaches, dull heavy ones that don’t specifically hurt buy your head feels like a bowling ball. - Tremors/Shaking uncontrollably. - Anxiety/Panic Attacks brought on with absolutely no cause whatsoever.  - Flu-like symptoms like sweating and chills however there is no evidence you are actually sick (ie Fever) - I have had only a very small amount so far, Tinnitus (ringing in the ears). - Tension, especially in the neck and shoulders that I don’t really know if this is correlated or because of-- - Extreme restlessness. I am basically needing to be doing something all day physically. I have been walking at least 10km a day lately and have been starting to play rhythm games to offset some of this. I think this is because physical movement creates serotonin, something your body is now having a depletion and lack of while it was once used for it. - Insomnia - Which again I think goes with the restlessness and possibly the trembling/shaking/whatever you want to call it. - If you’re not shaking there is times you feel like your body is vibrating. - I kinda have some vision issues that have begun to occur since I started this procedure but I am not giving it too much thought YET. Point Two: Mental Side Effects (these are for me, not for others, your experience may vary, much like the physical ones) - Mood swings. - Loss of thought/train of thought. Moments where your mind literally goes blank to a degree you cannot actually (it just happened here as I was typing but it comes back more or less). You cannot actually explain things or even express an emotion both physically or in words.  - Inability to focus because your brain keeps coming in and out of various states of alertness - Dissociation to some degree in different ways.  - Mild Psychotic Episodes (I had a breakdown the other night basically crying about how I’m not human like everyone else (specifically some of my classmates)) - Short term memory loss. My memory is fried. This should be temporary but I have to actually put a lot of thoughts into it. Point Three: How I Am (personally) Coping - Looking at this from a Psychiatric Angle (I am not a Psychiatrist, mind you, I’m some sorta salesman who studied only Psychology for a few semesters in college);; You have a chemical in your brain called Serotonin. This is one of the chemicals that handle mood. Normally when you are depressed or anxious there are issues with Serotonin in your brain. The medical fix is usually a type of anti depressant designed to rework your brain to either produce more Serotonin or to kind of keep the chemical in there longer before it’s eventually expelled and more is created.  This alters your brain structure. It actually changes the wiring in your brain. Now, my brain is going, “Hey, uhm, WTF mate, why are we not holding onto any Serotonin and like what is even going on what is happening I dunno what to do are we panicking right now or are we supposed to be doing this or that?” So first things first is doing the best to handle the physical issues this causes such as the shaking, anxiety/panic attacks, and headaches. I’ve been more or less just coping with most of these in a rather normal manner since I normally suffer from chronic pain I don’t mind some of the extra tenseness or silly pointless stuff like tinnitus since it’s not so bad.  I’ve been using Xanax to handle the anxiety/panic attacks and OTC pain medication to handle the headaches although when I see my doctor I might ask for something stronger as well as bring up some other issues for suggestions. Next is actually getting your body to make more Serotonin. Your body naturally creates it when you do physical activity or physically stimulate it somehow. For this, I try to be out and walking pretty much 6-8 hours a day on the weekend and in class I use my 10 minute break to run or walk around as much as I can. Insomnia and other things can be aided by taking L-Tryptophan an amino acid that humans do not normally create (it is obtained via diet). This amino acid aides in creating Serotonin and Melatonin. Melatonin is used as a sleep aide. It’s the chemical found in dark meat of turkey (as an example) that makes you sleepy. Honestly this one has helped me a lot. Stay out of fights, drama, arguments, issues, situations. Sometimes when you are sick, your body needs to rest - Let your brain rest. Try not to think so much and just let it do what you want. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. Alcohol depleats your body of Amino Acids not only will it prologue your suffering (I’m assuming) but you will have a hangover you never thought even humanly possible.

Try to take a daily vitamin, one of which especially contains vitamin b6. I forget what this one does but it’s really important in anti depressant efforts. If you wake up in the middle of the night with tremors or shaking or whatever. Pretty much if you can, just flail really fast (be careful) your arms and legs if you can, until you feel your blood rushing and you will hopefully have produced a little serotonin.  Find something really easy to keep your mind occupied. I’ve found Pokemon Go to be really good, not only does it encourage walking and moving around but because it’s easy to play and doesn’t require A LOT of strategy it’s good. It’s also allowed me to meet a lot of interesting people. You need support from people and friends and family. I don’t have much family and I am living in a foreign country so more or less I have to just sorta. Do my best. My classmate friends have been very supportive and a few PoGo players I have met have been super supportive too. I hope this helps, will have an update in a week or so.

#mental health #anti depressants #quitting medication #prozac #ssris

[thedeaditeslayer]

'Evil Dead' to FX's 'Legion': John Cameron's trip from Detroit to Hollywood.

Here’s a rare interview/article about original Michigan Mafia member John Cameron who has been around since the early Super 8 shorts. 

When FX's "Legion" returns for its second season on Tuesday, the first episode unleashes another of its signature jaw-dropping images.

A door opens onto a swarm of people standing like mannequins inside an unlit storage space. They are physically frozen except for their chattering teeth, which click without pause like a nightmare percussion section.

And that's before the opening credits.

"Legion" is probably the only show on broadcast, cable and streaming outlets that comes close to the mind-bending majesty of 1968's "2001: A Space Odyssey." Like the humming monolith and galactic star baby of "2001," it is strewn with indelible scenes that are meant to be absorbed, not understood.

How fitting, then, that a key behind-the-scenes member of the series had a life-altering moment during his fourth-grade class trip to see a Cinerama screening of "2001" at the now-defunct United Artists movie palace in downtown Detroit.

"I was 9 years old, and I saw that movie and it really blew me away, honestly," says John Cameron, an executive producer of the innovative sci-fi drama. "And I thought, 'Well, I want to do that. ...That's the movie that started it all for me."

A trippy spin-off of the X-Men franchise, "Legion" is the creation of Noah Hawley, the same TV auteur who successfully adapted "Fargo" for FX as both an homage to the original movie and a narrative with its own strange magic.

Cameron says that "Legion" is "the product of the genius mind" of Hawley, who controls the story line of the show in his roles as executive producer and writer.

"The entire show springs from his unconscious, I think," adds Cameron.

The first season introduced mutant and mental patient David ("Downtown Abbey" star Dan Stevens), his body-swapping girlfriend, Syd (Rachel Keller), and his snarky friend (Aubrey Plaza), whose body was secretly inhabited by David's lifelong tormentor, an ancient spirit called the Shadow King.

At the institution where David was confined, a team trying to save him from a malevolent government figure (Hamish Linklater) included body-sharing duo Cary (Bill Irwin) and Kerry (Amber Midthunder) and a strong-willed therapist (Jean Smart), whose missing husband (Jemaine Clement) was living in an astral plane inside an ice cube decorated like a jazzy 1950s bachelor pad.

Season two promises to be even weirder, deeper and more complex, but that's OK by "Legion" fans. They aren't in it for explanations. Using Hawley's description, Cameron explains that while that most TV programming is an information delivery device, "Legion" is an experience-delivery device.

When you tune it to FX at 10 p.m. Tuesdays for ten new episodes, you take the ride.

As one of several executive producers for "Legion," Cameron's focus is on the many details required for the crew to bring that experience to life on film and stay true to Hawley's vision – all on a basic-cable budget

"The fact we even get the show done is a miracle as far as I'm concerned, and that challenge makes it interesting to come into work every day," he says by phone.

Ever since his teen years in Oakland County, Cameron has been collaborating with talented people to produce cinematic miracles. He was one of the kids who hung out with future "Evil Dead" franchise and "Spider-Man" director Sam Raimi to make elaborate amateur movies using a Super-8 camera.

Cameron and Bruce Campbell, who currently stars in "Ash vs. Evil Dead" for Starz, were students in the Wylie E. Groves High School class of 1976. Raimi was in the class of 1977.

"(Raimi) is a year younger than us, although he looks 10 years older. I just want to make sure you get that," says Cameron, who enlivens an interview by feigning outrage at a question about his age – he's 59 – and being asked if it's true that he dropped out of college to help make Raimi's 1981 horror cult classic, "The Evil Dead."

"Where did you hear that?" he mock-accuses before confirming it with a laugh.

Cameron studied theater for two years at Kalamazoo College before transferring to New York University. Once Raimi, Campbell and Rob Tapert (another metro Detroiter who went on to a major film and TV career), raised enough money for the ultra-shoestring budget for "The Evil Dead," Cameron chose working on the project over watching and critiquing movies for class.

"I left (New York) winter break of my junior year and drove down to Tennessee for the second half of 'Evil Dead' and helped them make that movie basically the way we had been making movies since we were 12," he says. "After that, I didn't go back to school."

He's credited on "The Evil Dead" IMDb cast list as one of several Fake Shemps.

Cameron spent several years in the Detroit area working on TV commercials and the occasional Raimi film made out of state, plus a few movies made locally. One of them was 1985's "Crimewave," which was directed by Raimi and co-written by Joel and Ethan Coen. The Coen brothers had met the Raimi gang through "The Evil Dead," which Joel Coen helped edit.

Ready to move to the West Coast to pursue a serious film career, Cameron contacted the Coens to say he was looking for work as a first assistant director.

"They had hired someone for 'Barton Fink,' but the next film they did, 'The Hudsucker Proxy,' Ethan remembered my call and (they) called me back and said, 'Hey, we're making another movie. Do you want to come do it?' "

"The Hudsucker Proxy," released in 1994, was the start of Cameron's lengthy stint with the Coen brothers on films like "Fargo," "The Big Lebowski" and "O Brother, Where Art Thou?"

"For me, it was an ideal situation, because once we were into production, they were concentrating on directing the film, so a lot of the producing fell to me," he recalls. "That was an invaluable, unbelievable training ground for me as a producer, working with them for 10 years and seven features."

Cameron's impressive credentials also cover indie gems by other directors, including Wes Anderson's "Rushmore," the quirky Ryan Gosling romantic comedy "Lars and the Real Girl," and the football drama "Friday Night Lights." Directed by Peter Berg, "Friday Night Lights" sparked Cameron's transition to television when he helped develop the series adaptation that landed at NBC.

After "Friday Night Lights," Cameron went back to movies, thinking his brush with TV was over. Then he read in the trade papers that the Coen brothers were giving their blessing to a TV version of "Fargo."

His reaction: " 'What?!? What are you talking about?' As far as I know, these guys didn't even own a TV," he says, recreating his disbelief. Cameron phoned the Coens, who told him that it all came down to Hawley's script, which they urged him to read.

He loved it, too. "You don't get scripts like that much in your career," he says.

Cameron signed on to be an executive producer for FX's "Fargo," where he sometimes serves as a Coen brothers whisperer, aka someone who brings a certain insider knowledge about their approach to filming. The series, which has completed three seasons, is known for dropping Easter egg references to the Coens' movies into episodes.

On "Legion," Cameron enjoys the creative process, which he summarizes as the crew wondering what Hawley will come up with next, then working diligently together to figure out the big question: "How are we going to do this?"

If an idea can't be done within the confines of cable TV, Cameron says that finding a modification or alternative often leads to something even better.

"Working withing those fiscal limits makes us be inventive, I think. We can't just throw money at any problem. We have to use our heads and be smart. And that's fun."

Just don't ask Cameron for season two spoilers. He can't tell you anything, even about the episode he's directing this season. And it really wouldn't help much if he could.

"It wouldn't make any sense to try to describe it. As a 'Legion' viewer, you can't just hop into it. You have to be pulled into the world and hang on for the ride. There's not much I could tell you now that would make any sense whatsoever."

That's the beauty of "Legion." It provides a strange and beautiful puzzle, without the nagging worry of constantly wondering how it all makes sense.

"It's the experience of watching the show that's enjoyable to people," says Cameron. "Not so much discovering the mystery, but embracing the mystery."

#John Cameron #.The Evil Dead #Evil Dead #The Hudsucker Proxy

[fulltimeexforcessingledad-blog]

Foreword by the author.

At the recommendation of a friend, I have decided to start a blog. I’m under no illusions that anyone is going to read this, I don’t really care if people do or don’t. It’s more of a channel in which I can vent frustrations and get rid of some of the negativity and general shit feelings and thoughts that I have. That being said however, if people do decide to sit and read the ramblings of 30 something single Dad, please feel free to read and comment should you wish. So, a quick insight into things should anyone be reading. I was born in 1986. Had a fantastic upbringing by two absolute legends. Did the typical teenager thing of not appreciating opportunities and spent most of my adolescence fucking about and causing mischief. Left an average school with average grades. Spent a further 2 years dicking about with my mates before I joined the army in 2005. I did 8 years, tours of Iraq and Afghanistan which take their toll, lots of drinking, fighting and womanising before I left. I leave the security of the military and embark on a new life. The plan was to work and save money for 6 months and then go travelling. I end up saving nothing, taking a fuck load of drugs and generally making terrible life choices. I then meet a girl who calms everything down. We move in together, life is good......however my dreams of travelling are rapidly forgotten amongst getting engaged and finding out I’m going to become a Dad. At the end of 2015, my whole life changed when I held my son for the first time. I’m not normally one for emotional outpourings, but until the moment when I first laid eyes upon him I can honestly say I’d never in my life known a love like that. I can also say that I’ve never been so fucking terrified either, it’s a fear that I’ve learned to live with since but has never gone away nor is it ever far from the forefront of my mind. However, I promised myself and my boy that I would do everything I could to give him and his mum everything they could ever want and need, or I would die trying. Mid 2016 comes and we buy our first property. We had been living together for a couple of years prior but we had managed to get a deposit together, get accepted for a mortgage, found a house and moved in. Now all we had to do was plan and pay for a wedding at the end of 2016. The wedding comes and goes and we see Christmas, the boys first birthday and the new year in, all with the same surname. A fucking busy year and the beginning of the end for our relationship. March 2017. I’m a fucking mess. My sleep patterns, emotions, thought processes and priorities are more fucked up than that weird Japanese porn they do with fish. I hate my job, I hate my life, I’m beginning to hate my wife. I seek advice and counsel in all the wrong places. Eventually I seek help as I know this isn’t normal. I get a pat on the head off the doctor and a prescription. The tablets are shit, they make me physically sick every time I take them so I stop. Eventually I fall apart, she walks out and takes my son, I attempt suicide and then I begin long term treatment. The new tablets I’m prescribed at time make me numb to everything around me. I begin a cycle of eat, sleep, work, repeat. I’m permanently tired, I day dream about being able to nap. While in this state I somehow find the energy to begin applying for jobs and I end up being successful in getting one that i actually really wanted. This brings me no joy whatsoever. The days get longer and the nights get shorter and I’m full of anger and hatred every day that I wake up because I no longer want to be here. I regret that my suicide attempt wasn’t successful and begin to think that happiness is a thing of the past and look forward to the day that I die. We have our first family holiday, by family holiday I mean that we’re taken somewhere by her dad, with her older sister, abroad for 10 days. This was some kind of gesture on her dads behalf to make up for the fact that due to him being a complete cockwomble and one of the most despicable and aggravating assembly’s of flesh that I have ever had the misfortune to meet, and pretty much ignoring her and missing our sons first year. However he had just inherited a substantial amount of money which immediately sparked the interest of my wife. The holiday was dreadful. I end up spending 10 days on the very edge of my sanity worrying about the boy, his safety, the effects of the sun on his skin, the food, what would happen in an emergency, maintaining his routine, how the fuck I’m supposed to get through 10 days without telling them all exactly what I think of them. I tell myself it’s a side effect of the tablets and it isn’t really me thinking these things. We come home and I despise my wife for forcing me to go and guilting me for feeling the way I do. I promise myself and my son that I’ll never be the type of man that my wife’s dad is, a world class c**t. August 2017. I have a break through with my treatment. A lot of my thought processes are changing, I begin to question a lot of things and come to the realisation that I have spent my life trying to please everyone. This manifested itself over many years with lying to maintain an image that I thought i should be rather than who I actually want to be. I don’t know myself and I feel terrible that my wife has had to endure this, and I begin to try and strip everything back to basics and rebuild myself and our relationship. McGregor vs Mayweather comes, and I get slaughtered. I make another very bad life choice that although comes without consequence, alters the path of everything. She tells me that she doesn’t love me anymore and we’re splitting up. I’m numb to it because of the tablets. After the initial few weeks of panic about how I’m going to cope, I begin to feel free of stress, negativity, pressure. For the first time in as long as I can remember I feel hopeful for my future as I start my new career. All the while the pain and heartbreak of no longer living with my son is ever present in my mind and I feel like I have failed him. I begin to rebuild my life and adjust to being a single dad with a full time job. I move house, I buy a new car as the one I had fell apart quicker than my mental health with no hope of coming back from the abyss. I begin to settle into my new routine of work for 4 days, be a dad the rest of the time. I realise that all of the shit that I had gone through was pretty much of my own doing. It is evident that there is no love lost between my ex and I. From when we initially split right up until now even as I write this, she has been difficult to deal with. I think on some level she wants to try and get back at me for all of the shit I put her through. There was a lot of lying and deceitfulness from me, a lot of broken promises, a lot of “I’m sorry and it won’t happen again”. If I was her I would have left my ass years ago, so fair fucks to her for sticking it out as long as she did. However the damage was done, there is no going back for either of us now as too much has been said and done in the last 7 months as well as the realisation that I was never actually all that fond of her in the first place. I loved the idea of her more than I actually loved her. At the time she came into my life, I needed someone and she filled the role. She could have been any other young, attractive woman, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I feel awful for the things that she has been through at my doing and for wasting years of her life that she could have spent with someone who could have actually been her ‘the one’. If this is the case, I don’t think anyone in the world can blame her for being difficult. Now, looking back at everything I can see that I was an awful person, selfish and abhorrent in my behaviour and how it affected people closest to me. It’s a guilt that I will live with until my dying day, and I know nothing I will ever do can make up for the things I have done. There’s no excuses for being a wanker and they say that karma is a very bitter pill, if that’s the case and considering my past behaviour, my karma pill will probably be a coconut sized suppository....... My main focus now is my son, being a good dad, trying to prevent him from making the same mistakes as I have over the years and ultimately guide him to achieving everything I know he can, which is anything he wants to. I can see that I have painted a very negative picture of the current situation, however my mental health is currently in the best place it has ever been. I love my new job, it’s pays very well which helps. Most importantly though in all of this is my son. I get 3 days of solid father and son time with him and in the last 7 months, I’ve seen his little personality develop into the most wonderful little boy I have ever known. There isn’t a day that goes by when he doesn’t make me laugh and every day that I spend with him makes me so grateful for everything I have. I’m not saying it’s all plain sailing, sunshine and rainbows. Being a single dad is the hardest thing any man could have to do. You still have all of the responsibility that was there when you were a family, however the amount of input that you have living as a family is drastically lessened. It has left me frustrated 90% of the time as I’m not there permanently to see how he’s developing. It fucking sucks. However, no matter how bad my day has been, or how stressful work has been, or how deflated I feel that yet another girl I was dating has fizzled out like a cheap firework, the look on his face when he runs over shouting daddy at the top of his little lungs and puts his little arms around my neck when I go to collect him makes everything better. Johnny cash was once asked for his description of paradise and what it was. He replied “This morning, with her, drinking coffee” If anyone should ask me for my description of paradise, its everyday with my son, regardless of good or bad, just every single second I get to spend with him. It’s still fucking tiring though.