#i NEED to see a fucking psychiatrist. but i dont feel like i can to my parents about that. and technically i could go without them knowing

[falldogbombsthemoon]

Yall haha, my dad made it so I have wifi access for one hour a day. which I can use from like 14 to 21 german time. So once my mobile data is dead, I will not be active that much ig. So please dont think I'm abandoning yall.

#vent following #its fucking ridiculous. im not a fucking child. neither is my brother #no idea what my dad wants to achieve through that. “so you can relaxe more” yeah no. being on the internet is my fucking coping mechanism. #there is nothing about relaxation there. also he did that so we'll to go sleep earlier. if it really was about that. #he would need to force me to sleep. you cant just change my sleep schedule by that #anyway its fucking ridiculous as i was on a good way of getting to sleep more early but if imma do that now he will think like #“wow. im such a good dad. i fixed all the problems my child could possibly have.” which is absolutely not the case #yk. ive always fucking struggled with feeling like people cant trust me. #and him not trusting my abilities to be responsible for myself is not helping #and then boom. im feeling shitty but wait haha my coping mechanism is currently set offline. #and like also im in extra stress atm bc school is fucking with me #not only are like a bunch of tests on the way but my fucking anxiety in school is getting so bad. #i cant sit in that facility without feeling like imma have a panic attack any minute #i am in need of fucking professional mental help. and at least one diagnosis. i dont want to do shit to myself. #but in this house hold. emotions are not talked about. feelings are suppressed and mental health is an illusion #i NEED to see a fucking psychiatrist. but i dont feel like i can to my parents about that. and technically i could go without them knowing #but someone needs to educate them. and i mentally cant be that someone #and guess whos sitting in their room crying and writing about that rn. not studying for their tests tomorrow and the day after. #i bet if my parents wouldnt have done that shit with my wifi i would be studying rn #quinns daily yapping post #rather #quinns personal hell

[scarletcomet]

scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die

#i know instagram doesn't represent ppls real lives #but that doesnt change the fact that i don't have many friends who care about me #and almost everyone my year is graduating and celebrating #i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me #24 days self-harm free but i might say fuck it and relapse tonight #why though? i guess i just need some way to express how im feeling inside. or maybe it's to punish myself or because im feeling worthless #it's been over a year now since i first reached out to professionals for help for this depressive episode #over a year and im still as lost as ever. i know im doing so much better than i was but i still feel so awful every single day #i feel like i still need to be doing a lot better before i can go back to school #i feel so stuck and hopeless. i know I've made so much progress but i don't feel as if ill be able to make anymore progress #i feel like I've hit a wall and ive tried everything #my therapist told me to just keep eating sleeping and getting movement in everyday and be patient #ive been going on walks every day for like 2 weeks now and i dont feel any difference #seeing my psychiatrist wednesday and im hoping she will have an idea of what to do #i hope it's not just slightly adjusting my meds or even just trying a different antidepressant (not many left i haven't tried) #i also worry that im not bad enough for more intensive treatments like ECT or ketamine #if she tells me that i just need more therapy or another group i might just fucking end it #idk like i kinda feel like im fine and there's nothing wrong with me but at the same time i always am feeling so fucking depressed #i have had so much improvement but honestly part of me wishes i was still actively suicidal #idk what to do

[ghostzzy]

googles ‘how to stop feeling guilty all the time about everything’

#everywhere i turn i feel like i'm failing someone or myself #and every problem that arises out of oversight or neglect (which is a lot of them due to My Whole Deal) feels so huge and complicated. #like. my psychiatrist office sent me an email that if i dont make a followup appt by the end of the week they'll throw my file away. #the hospital from last summer is still sending me bills despite having paid them over 3k at the time #because my insurance is retroactively deciding not to cover things. #and now i've got debt collectors on my ass. #i need to order some things that will Help Me like a mini fridge and light sensitivity glasses #but i burned through so much money already this month and i don't know how to pick good objects so i Haven't. #i haven't called my grandma despite knowing she's going through hell with my grandpa still in rehab #because i haven't felt up to talking. #i don't see my brothers enough. i don't spend enough time with mishka. i don't spend enough time outside. #i don't read enough. i don't clean enough. i don't cook enough. #all because i am Tired. and Ill. and i have to Work for 8 hours a day. #uuruurgghhhhhh. i know if you do things they become done. but i am so overwhelmed and it'd be easier to just lay in the dark til i die. #chronic fatigue is a fucking nightmare from which i can never wake. it's not fucking fair. #izzy.txt

[iplayghoul]

hot tub sex wit ony ? drabble ?? oneshot ?? this longer than i thought it wld be i just cant stop talkin... its 11 am bruh

its soooo obvious that im more into a soft sex kinda vibe, always or rough sex written in the most gentle and soft way possible 🙈

so i cant help but constantly imagine hot tub sex wit ony. in my head at the start of the relationship he constantly gravitates towards our apartment. in his mind he felt it was safer for his partners always, not wanting you to feel yk at danger in a man's house despite how safe he made you feel BUT ofc you have a jacuzzi.

in this universe, like in my head, i imagine both ony and reader have jobs in the medical feild likkee maybe ony is a surgeon and reader is a private psychiatrist who sometimes picks up shifts at the hospital onyankopon works at ???

ANYWHO becuzz of this they sometimes work hard ass shifts, whether theyre long or short, its hard as fuckk and they come home tired. ony gets home first, maybe an hour earlier and he has a key card to your apartment so he can let himself in, feeds your pets and relaxes on the couch, thinking of if he should make you two dinner or order sumn.

then he thinks of the jacuzzi, a nice relaxing hot soak after a hard shift is all he needs so he stops petting your cat or roughhousing with the dog and orders sushi, grabbing a drink of his choice whether it be wine, a light alcohol or sum shit for yall to sip when the sushi comes.

i think you get home not long after the sushi is delivered. maybe 10 minutes later and its still fresh and warm OUU shit i need sum sushi rn 😭 and ony fine ass is in some black swim shorts with the sushi all out on a platter wit the sauces on it, and hes got his feet in the water while he jus sits on the side of the jacuzzi and calls out to let yk where he is

you take a quick rinse off before donning a bikini, a black one to match his b4 putting up your braids and joining him on the edge wit a kiss. i like to think ony loooves kissing. he loves stimulatin his mouth n his lips. its a long, soft kiss and u cant help but lean into each other its like ugghh at last i can relax and let my gaurd down and just be vulnerable after being in this big position at work yk? 🤭

so you share several long kissing before both getting waist deep into the hot tub, letting the bubbling heated fun engulf you both as you down pieces of sushi, feeding each other while staying connected at the hip. i think he cant help but put his hands on u, always letting it rest on ur hip. sometimes i tink he jus likes to be touching you at all times its like a safety thing, sometimes jus resting his hand on your shoulder, ankle, tummy, dont matterrr he wants to kno ur there.

its only a matter of time before talking about each others day becomes nothing more than a whisper of a conversation. and ur eyes cant leave each others lips... necks, chests... and then ur kissin again :) hehee and kissin all over each other so tenderly and meek.

just then hes slipping his hands under ur peachy squishy ass n lifting u to the edge of the tub, kickin ur feet in the air and he sees ur toes are done. pretty pink polish with a baby pink french tip, and baby pink flower designs dancing across a few toes ... hes not one to have a raging foot fetish but it entices him,,, sooo he puts ur toes in his mouth and it tickles a bit ! but feeling his hot tongue caress ur little toes carelessly makes u feel all warm, especially ur cheeks.

eeeeek and then he jus cant help but continue to lick , suck n kiss all about your ankle, i imagine ur gold/silver lil anklet has his name awn it cuz he doesnt want u to tattoo his name :<< , but his lips smooth there way up to your inner thighs and hes pullin ur panties to the side so his thick lips can sink into ur thick lips as he slowly jus... makes out wit ur cunt idk if i can even call it 'eating out' anymore, hes in luv with ur pussy. obsessed wit the way u smell down there actually. fuck a roses and flowers smell bitch he is stealin yo panties after a LONG day at work tf 😭 he jus like me fr ok ok.

i jus luv a soft sex moment, his tongue mixes wit u sooo well and ur whines are of no use to him cuz he's havin fun and everythings jus so... slow and relaxed. ur grindin up into his face slow too cuz what else can u do but relax and just let your man do his thing. hes laying his upper body into you, drinkin ur squirt when u cum and mushin his face all in ur cream when u do orgasm, its long and drawn out and so. good.

then he pulls u back in the water wit him, slippin his dick in u fluidly, connecting u both and honestly yall sit there for a good minute. just basking in each others immaculate warmth. the fuck is dragging , sloww and aching but neither of u care to move faster. ur holdin the edge of the tub and hes holdin ur legs up to your shoulders , usin each other as leverage to fuck into the other slow and deep. low moans r harmonizing wit each other and its just... perfect :(

all thruought the fuck n i cannawwt stress this enuf he is kissin on u , he cant help it. he revels in kissin all over ur face and lips even if ur too far gone to kiss him back , kissin on ur neck and ur tits that are all squished together cuz of the position annnnd kissin on ur thighs and ur legss as theyre so far up he can reach em wit his mouth. he presses kisses on ur head too . u deserve it :(( ohh u deserve it so bad and its moments like these that i luv always.

even when u guys cum , ur lips are locked and ur swallowing each others moans, and breathin hot in each others mouths when ur done.

why is this so long notice how i cant shut tf up ab soft sex ???? bye yall !

#﹒﹒﹒💗 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦: 𝘭𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘢 💌 𓂃 ! #aot onyankopon #onyankopon snk #onyankopon smut #onyankopon x reader #onyankopon #ony x reader #onyankopon x black y/n #onyankopon x black reader #worrdd vomit! #aot smut #attack on titan #aot x reader #aot x black reader #black coded characters #onyankopon headcannon

[fragmentating]

Sometimes I think too much about how my relationship to psych medication / drugs could have been if it had been one free of coercion, force, control and unethical experimentation and way too high doses for a minor. And then I lose myself a little in that rage and despair.

I hate everything about that system, but I still like the concept of being able to say. I like the way this substance makes me feel. I feel like this positively changed my life. Give it to me legally. I want legalized drugs and I dont view my psych meds as anything other than already legalized drugs locked behind a weird system. But I have yet found a psychiatrist who actually let's me be in control. Who lets me say, I need something else, this isnt cutting it, no, not another drug from the same fucking group, something completely different. Who let's me say, I dont like these side effects no matter if they seem minor to you, let's change this. Who let's me say this is the schedule I need my meds on for them to actually have much of an impact. Who let's me say hey I had this stuff years ago and it was the only thing that really helped me, it seems aggressive but can we just fucking try it again because this is supposed to be about helping me. Who let's me say this dose is too fucking high and the negatives are taking over.

Fuck I haven't even found a psych in over 4 years who has actually given a fuck about my physical health and hasn't just taken me off meds cold turkey when discharging me or switching things around, who has actually ordered blood panels to see if the levels are okay, who ordered EKGs or whatever they need to monitor that this shit isnt negatively affecting my body. They cant even fucking do the bare minimum for safety. They dont know the common side effects to what they're prescribing. A 50 year old doctor who mainly pushes anti psychotics did not believe me that I had tardive dyskenesia as a side effect because HE DID NOT KNOW IT WAS EVEN A THING THAT COULD HAPPEN. He opened google and begrudgingly said "hm well okay. I guess that might happen". He had to google the side effects to something he had been cheerfully writing me scripts for for over a fucking year. Not even because he forgot them but because he never fucking knew in the first place.

I'm dreaming of being able to control what I get and how and when. Meanwhile reality is a living nightmare and the only way to truly escape it is to completely refuse psychiatric medication and either self medicate in one way or the other or abstain from what actually could be fucking helping me. What the fuck is wrong here

#madpunk #psych critical #anti psych #anti psychiatry #actually psychotic #actually delusional #and like if this isnt your experience! its a fucking rare win okay l #im happy for you but ive been in the system for close to 10 years now. id be overjoyed if they at least stopped physically endangering me #thats how low the fucking bar is #and they still cant fulfill it #maybe youre one of the people who actually got through on the waitlists to more educated and open minded people. good. #the rest of us are wading through the bottom of the barrel #you cant exactly be picky when theres a single psych in a 60 km radius whos willing to see you in time before u hit withdrawal

[faiiryteethh]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

#ask

[coleoptrata222]

fucking mental health system is soo fucked when i see people//news//posts when something happens like,how could this happen?why didnt this person get help before its too late?and lately feeling like idk im so close to being another tragic news story where anyone pretends they care about how severe mentally ill people are being failed but nothing actualy changes

i need help soo fucking bad i dont want to be like this.i check MYSELF into the mental hospital i brought MYSELF to fucking resitential for SIX MONTHS and i was doing so much[my idea of]better and then they barely fucking helped me once i was out i got hooked up with a psychiatrist and a therapist who both fucking suck and are obviously not trained enough even to deal with someone like me not to mention how many diffrent people tell me i need way more support like i even use to have care people come to my house every other day now i have like..nothing and am suppoes to just figure out everything by myself

can barely ever get in with my psych and then i did finaly yesterday just basicly for her to tell me my outlook is not good or some stupid bullshit,offered to put me on ANOTHER realy heavy medication[still have not gone off current meds cause i am kindof scared about withdrawing]and i said no and she then basicly shrugged her shoulders. and then my therapist i fucking hate so much hes so useless and i'took a break'[quit lol] and he emailed me asking how i was doing and actualy i took time to write out a kindof detailed honest response and he didnt even acknolwedge it wtf wtf i am so fucking done with all of it.and by the way where i live theres like NOWHERE else to go its a fucking desert so yea at this point i think the whole world just wants people like me dead and stop leeching off welfare or trying even to get a little better fuck it no and then wonder why there are 1000000 mass shootings every day

[schwarzeneggr]

i visited the clinic today and they approved me 🙂 i was genuinely so fearful because my psychiatrist told me not to be so negative at the approval meeting while i was talking abt my dark thoughts cause they "might not accept you since they only take stable people" (wat the fuck ? genuinely traumayizing to hear a psychiatrist tellin me to shut my mouth)

the clinic is fantastic, i will have my own room with a key, there are nurses and psychologists and psychiatrists and doctors so I feel i will be well taken care of even thou I will have to do most of the work ofc. They even have a FILM CLUB. i genuinely went batshit insane over this. Like it has cured me immediarly. Theres a small sport room too (nned to loose weight) and the patio is beautiful. I am free to leave one night a week, and go out between 9am and 8pm. Theres classes about finance management ?! cooking ?! and general life management. And they help with procedures to get a job etc. Just mind boggling that I had this clinic about 20 bus mins away from me and never knew until i got a referal. Its litteraly a 5 min walk away from a big cinema too. feel like im gonna cry. Im going to be very awkward with other patients i think ill keep to myself honestly, try to work on my grad movie and pick up everything i left off. The nurse who guided us said that alot of patients arent here for psychiatric issues which surprised me coz I was expecting to be with other deviants LOL. It makes me afraid honestly that they might not have the experience with dealing with someone with my symptoms (mood swings and derealization and freak outs etc) as well as an actual psych ward...But then again with the way I was treated last time im not wven sure psych wards have experiences with treating mentally ill patients. we'll see ? I dont want to think positively about my future i dont want to think of the future at all to be honest but im genuinely looking forward to that stay. It will be 3 full months that can extend to an entire year if needed. Its like 2 min walk away from the train station to so I can actually go to class when i can 🤯

#sigh #im so tired

[leos-beloved-notizbuch]

my thoughts on “Was ihr nicht seht”

-God the blood stain on the bed is really aesthetic 

-Leo so beautiful 

-Gosh Kariiiiiin

-Himpe, The cool Rechtsmediziner yesss

-Karin eyes- that’s it

-I can’t deal deal with the incompetence of the doctor” sie hat mich angesprungen wie ein tier” what the fuck yeah because you did not check if she has any trigger points maybe?!!

-Oh man Leo crying I can’t take it

-Sarah needs a psychiatrist right now 

-Himpe looks weird without his glasses

-Why is himpe so ignorant today broo 

-Karin kaut ernsthaft Kaugummi? lol ( Without irony)

-I like the art, all of it is so messy and just a creative blop 

-Uhhhhh the quirky smart guy I like him

-“ Was isn mit der?” Schnabel

-“Der geht mir so aufn Keks“

-„nicht immer so anschleichen, einfach mal mit kräftiger Stimme…“ - i love Schnabel 

-Leorin on the telefon- this scene Is meant to be Edited - make a das heartwrenching breakup Edit pleassseeee

-I like illegal leo 

-It’s so crazy how dangerous a person can look like- like the way she leans forward and watches you holy fuck

-I love it that I now can analyze Leo’s apartment - she has taste that is how much I can say at this moment 

-“Ich glaub es waer besser wenn du jetzt gehst” please someone edit this I’m begging

-I love seeing other people’s houses

-They have gay tension you can’t convince me otherwise

-They shared a CigaReTte together?!! Come oooooon That’s so gay

-Gosh sarah looked a little too much in Leo’s lips my opinion gayy 

-Them cuddling that’s sweet

-Leo’s morning hairrrrrr

-Ferienhaus Leos Eltern okk cute

-Leo und Karin sind genauso im Partnerlook wie Adam und Leo

-The quirky dude eating is my spirit animal

-They are so soooffft for each other helpp 

-THE SMALL GRAB AT LEOS ARM FROM KARINNN AWWW

-iiuuu he’s such a creep 

-DER soll der neue Staatsanwalt sein pfahaah so ein Opfer- he also seems suspicious 

-this sidecharacter is from another dimension she’s so good help and the character depth

-awwwwww schnabel brought Leo food from her lieblingschinese wie goldig 

-Schnabel figuring out how to handle chopsticks is also my spirit animal 

-THEIR EYECONTACT

-This is all so disgusting but it’s in beautiful lighting 

-The old man casually eating his lunch while a whole SEK team arrives is also my spirit animal

-Schnabel dont go solo you nearly died like three episodes before we don’t have to go through that again

-Nooo schnabel  Good shot schnabel shot again pls and again 

-Uhhhh is he dead- I would want that I think he is thank god

-Gosh he’s so disgusting I’m so happy he’s dead

- Oh oh- but I feel like it still was kind of notwehr ( I’m saying this without any knowledge in law)

-Karin looks so beautiful 

-Neeeee nicht der  Staatsanwalt und Leo neinnn-Das muss doch nicht sein 

She would’nt in my head

why would you destroy leorin

( although I like the idea of a young,new, nice staatsanwalt - but he is kind of not it)

#folge:was ihr nicht seht #tatort dresden #leonie winkler #karin gorniak #peter schnabel

[xautoradiographx]

You know sometimes the self care type of crowd gets on my nerves. I got these people in my life and sometimes I go to talk to them and they come at me with shit like "aww you need to take a break and care for yourself more"

And I know they mean well, but they could tell me to get fucked and it would feel about as good. Idk just being in debt you had to take up to finish studying, behind on bills while you haven't had a vacation in a few years (and last one I did was just sitting in alone and playing video games for the better part of the week), it all just piles up and just being reminded how much you need rest fuels despair.

Crap, I would rather people could be angry together with me. I don't see how they can help and telling myself to stfu ironically does just build up irritation and corrodes relationships.

I like to tell myself, I can't afford to sit in despair. My leftie friends, I hate all that hustle shit as much as the next guy, but let's admit it, we are in this situatuon where we do need money to live, I hate starving, I hate being unable to afford therapy, fuck me if I will ever go again to public psychiatrists to get misdiagnozed, get humiliated and prescribed poison. I need to work and I would like to feel like I am getting something done in this hellhole. I dont dream of labor and blablabla yeah but first I want to feel that I am capable and I am valuable somehow. When life is shit I don't want dreams. I want to know there's a way out and that there's something I can do.

#fuck this #stress builds character #not suicidal #this is supposed to be a hopeful text #im just fucking sick of grinding my bones to have any sense of independence

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

Okok so I looked into the Toxic Psychosis thing and it’s essentially just another way of saying/describing an episode of psychosis triggered or caused by chemicals or toxins in the system. And can be caused by anything from alcohol to opioids, other toxins that could have made it into ur system, and is also used to describe an episode of psychosis caused by an adverse reaction to a prescribed medication.

So in summary it just looks like it’s a quicker way of differentiating between a chemically/toxin induced episode and other instances of psychosis. Which really isn’t as bad as I thought it would be now that I’m looking into it, esp since I thought is was gonna be some other (much more derogatory) bs.

_________________________________

Tbh I don’t know if my psychiatrist even wanted to talk to me LMFAO

She charged a FUCK TON per appointment and every time it was always some poor student/intern (rip) that would actually talk to me & take notes before I even SAW my psychiatrist, and then she would ask like yes/no questions for five minutes- And then she’d end the zoom call

And tbh I think I’d rather try and deal with that Psychyatrist again over one that tries to re diagnose everything during the very first appointment lol

Also I did mention the Chest Pain! That and the other weird symptoms I was dealing with are what got her to take me seriously which was a relief. She had me do an EKG that same appointment and had me do some bloodwork - which came back pretty normal

Still debating how much effort I’m willing to put in to get this fixed though, especially since I haven’t been having any super bad symptoms recently. And I feel like it’s maybe not as bad as it feels???? but then again I haven’t been up in that fuckin mountain for the past few months, and that altitude could be what was making everything feel way worse.

We’ll probably just have to wait and see what happens when I go back up 👍

-💛

OOOHHHH ok that makes a lot of senss (the toxic psychosis thing)

also OOIHHHHB MY GOD FUCK THAT PSYCHIATRIST why are psychiatrists so mother fucking mean holy shit. this is why im antipsych

also good that u got taken serioisly!!!!! if the symptoms arent causing too much distress, its not worth speedrunning back to the office but i do think its smtb u need to get checked out, esp since ur tachycardia is worse than mine!!

btw, do u have a home blood pressure monitor? bc its a good investment, ull be able to see if ur blood pressure is high and stuff and then u can tell the doctors if it is. they take that stuff pretty seriously (if they dont SUCK!!!!!) and my machine was only like. 60 bucks iirc

also if ur suffering from symptoms sybdrome and a little voice tells u its not as bad as u think, DONT LISTEN TO IT!!!! thats the DEVIL talking!!!!

#💛 #wasks #hurgh i am so so so sleely

[skullrock]

just ranting in my lil dairy here.

my psychiatrist has like a nurse practitioner who i sometimes see when he’s too busy and i LOVE HERRR. she listens to me unlike him and gives actual real advice and cares about me and does just brush me off or look at me like i’m insane. like i love her!!! and so last appt i told her the truth of me really not feeling good so she helped me change my medicine and told me the bottle of the new stuff would have weening off directions. so i was like cool <3 but the bottle of my new medicine didn’t have the instructions ! nor did the paperwork !

so i called his office to be like “can you have the NP please email me the weening off directions for this medicine so i can start the new one” and the receptionist was like HUH? YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THAT 🤨 which first of all MAAM you are not a doctor you just r married to the pysch! secondly yes you literally are!!!?? and she is very clearly rolling her eyes at me and she’s like “ok i’ll have the doctor call you back” BUT I DONT WANT THE PYSCH I WANT THE NPPPPP I KEEP ASKING TO SPEAK WITH HER AND THEY WONT LET MEEEE

and what’s rly so irritating about this (and also why i need a new doctor) is that this man has sent me into withdrawal before by telling me to stop taking my medicine cold turkey. one time i said i don’t think medicine helps me that much (i’ve been thru at least 8 different antidepressants and developed a tolerance extremely quickly), he told me to stop taking my pills and cancelled the prescription. and i went to the pharmacist at a fucking walmart to be like “i don’t think this makes sense” and she was like “girl you will die this antidepressant isn’t a joke you’ll have insane withdrawals” and SHE gave me weening off instructions AND ALSO free fucking medicine bc he stopped prescribing it!!!!

IM JUST SO!!!!!!!! so now i fear when the cymbalta inevitably stops working that he will do the same fucking thing when it can take upwards of a year for people to safely ween off of it. i hate my life i need a new doctor

#han talks #medical cw #sorry there isn’t a read more she still won’t work on mobile!!! #im so pissed kdjdkskdks

[smileymoth]

ed / nutritionists/ sh whatever

I am so easily triggered by food talk its ridiculous. i hear anyone mention food plans diet plans calories nutrionists healthy eating clean eating intermediate fastign etc etc etc etc any food related topics and i just instantly shrivel up and want to end it right then and there. I told my mom can we not talk about food at newyears when i had a panic attack over grocery shopping and she still does it i hate it. I dont want to talk about food please let me be a trainwreck in peace i dont want a random healthnut nutritionist to tell me what to and what to not eat im already so miserable on a day to day basis let me have food i actually enjoy eating please i know i get mad triggered over food in general for fuck sakes i had a panic attack over a bowl of rice while my friend looked at me weird i dont need more anxiety over food since im already so picky and not capable of making food for myself most of the times. I knwo im a bastard who is unhealthy i know it probably affects psoriasis but have you considered that maybe being severely depressed also influences that. It only flared up again after my dad died it was gone for a few years already and now its back better than ever and now my mom is on my back about healthy eating and movement like mom im trying please leave me alone i already have anxiety over food i dont need more of it i really dont i really dont i really dont i really dont i need a psychologist not a nutritionist but i cant fuciifn have that i cant even have a psychiatrist i want to go back to collegetown already and ive only been home for an hour and 30 minutes i want to go back i hate being here i wish it was like back in highschool i dont cqre that dad was mad at me if i went to sleep 5 minutes too late or that i ****** myself out of fear of food bc i cant stand people seeing me eat i still cant i still freak out when i eat "too much" becqyse i eont kbow what a normal portion is i cant have a fuckinf nutritionist tell me what to do id actually harm myself over it bc id just seevmyself as an obeast lazy bastard who cant stick to plansbecause theyre probably all fucjign annoying white women who weigh 1 cigarette and a single grape bx theyre so healthy and fit and never eat sugar ever am i overrreactign absolurely do i care absolutely not because i am fucked up in the brain and i dotn want people to help me wirh this because i am slowly getting better with healthier eating and if someone tried to monitor it id harm myself i want to go back to my apartment i dont wanr to be here i hate how it happens every time i go home i dont want to talk about food i dont want ro ralk about health i just want to come home and feel happy but i cant because my dad will never be here again and my mom is stressed and tired from work and my grandma is chronically ill forever and my aunt is somehow even more paranoid than i am and is slowly losing her mind because she worries so much. I want my fucking therapist back i hate everything so much iwish i wasnt a mentally ill cunt with issues that make my mom worry for me. Dont worry about me just leave me alone leave me the fuck alone . I want to leeaaaaaaavveeeeeeeeee

#moth post #fuckifn .trigger tags #ed mention #eating disorder mention #sh mention #i guess i dont ufckinf know i dont want to trigger other people i need a diary #i have one its in collegetown #part 643 of danny smilemyoth and the very bad awful terrible 20s

[z4c5e6k-blog]

Sitting here thinking do we know who we are. So many people sit there smiling and expressing themselves in a way no one will expect that they are in the worst place.

Be happy

People asking you if you are okay, and you say yes you are thinking to yourself you have nothing to be sad about. But how do you know you are okay. When your mind plays games and your body is not in control. Your body warns you, begs you to just take a break but you are more worried about dissipointing people around you, you forget to look at yourself. You look, and hear every word of people telling you to just rest and look after yourself but in action people tell you, you need to carry on push through it. They were there and they got through it.

A world where we strive for greatness and to be better and to rule the world, but.... You cannot, we dont use that word. As some people teach. How dare you act like you are in a dream world how dare you try to be so optimistic? Living in a dream world shows how truly one is broken. They so badly want to be okay that they so badly just want to be and see happiness that they will override their emotions to make sure that is who they are but in retality ignore all the signs on the outside.

Be happy

Stressed out wakked out on the evils of the world chasing a un real reality asking people if they are okay, knowing that, that... very question they dont even know themselves. So how can they?

Help?

Strongest people in the world portraying a rainbow world, expecting people to be the same way. How dare you as a person, privelaged and everything going for you, how dare you be down, sad and depressed. You have no right, there are people out there that have it so much worse than you, and they become success stories? Who the fuck are you to complain.

Deny it, deny that feeling, it isnt allowed, dont be sad dont be upset, dont be depressed. Your situation isnt that bad.

Be happy.

Talk to us we are your parents and we dont want you to end up there again. Talk, talk talk. That is the word that is the penaltemate word of yeah we care but dont know how to help.

Help.

Broken, in pain, sadness. WHAT! How dare you, You have people who love you, you have family around you, you have friends who are there. WHERE THE FUCK? They are just as messed up and you want them to help. Speak to a therapist, a psychiatrist, doctor a professional, been there was a waste of time. You haven't found the right one. Yeah sorry i guess its my fault then for that one, i should try harder. Shut up, your world is breaking around you and you trying to tell me what to do.

When you start having arguments with yourself about what person you are, what have you become, where does this come from? That is the time when you start to realise that something might not be okay. But you ignore it, so much and you supress it more and more.

Something starts happening to you, your body, what are you doing im breaking? Your body, no stop rest take 5. Your body, i cannot anymore. Your body, im going to collapse. Yourbody, You cant anymore, please please please just stop.

HELP

Your mind, you are okay, carry on, 2 seconds later, what wrong with you, 2 seconds later break down, another 2seconds, wait im fine again, no you are angry. No hide your emotions away you must be strong. You musnt show the world it is winning.

HELP!!!

You remember how nice that felt hmhmmm just think of it, it will be nice to feel that pain again, you are already breaking down, why not just add to it and help your body bleed faster. Dont worry not too much just a little bit.

Oh do you feel better now? Im glad, lets carry on now. Repeat brain breakdown.

Chill take a breath now exhale.

You make the choice to be happy!

Help?

Be happy!

[f1nalboys]

Peacemaker S1 Ep3 Better Goff Dead live watch

tagging @tinalbion in the subsequent posts for this <3333 thank u for convincing me to finally start it 🗣️🗣️

-“we know who she is we don’t need to know how much she enjoyed having sex with you” “what if it’s a clue?” “it’s not” “fair. i was just trying to slip it into conversation. hope nobody noticed. my bad” JFKWODNKWD stop bc why do i enjoy christopher sm rn 😭

-he’s just funny!!

-theM YELLING AT VIGILANTE FRIM BEHIDN THE TRASHCAN AND HES LIKE “why do i have to leave i’m just looking from behind a trashcan” IDKSKJD

-ur honor… he’s perfect

-“are u a psychiatrist?” “WHAT?” “then don’t tell me what’s normal!”

-vigilante wants to be chris’ best friend :3

-“even tho i mostly kill white people so…catch ya guys later :D”

-LEOTA AND CHRIS AND ADRIAN NEED TO ALL BE BFFS BY THE END OF THIS SHOW. DO U ALL GET ME.

-lets kill a senator baby

-WHY DO ALL PEOPLE WHO THINK PRO WRESTLING IS REAL THINK CLIMATE CHANGE IS A HOAX

-goff is a little butterfly

-VAGINA

-him laughing so god damn hard at her stop

-CAN THEY JUST TELL HIM WHAT A BUTTERFLY IS

-a butt baby 😭😭

-judomasters little suit

-“any questions?” “yes…is scissoring real i keep getting contradictory reports” “i always suspected u were a butt baby from the beginning” STOPPPPP bffs

-“what? i’m an ally!” “having a lesbian haircut doesn’t make you an ally” I LOVE HER

-let’s see if he can draw the dove of peace

-nope yeah looks like a ghost

-“there. there’s a feeling of mine” murn is just like me

-murn is so funny actually hehe

-she’s sharing her trail mix w him and he’s putting everything that’s empty calories back 😭😭

-not the berenstain va berenstien bears fight 😭

-HEHEH

-judo master eating cheetos he’s just like me

-“i’m not a fucking drawer >:(“

-them shit talking amanda in front of her daughter D:

-the way he is sitting on the ground JDNWOJDIS

-anyways. christopher and emilia weirdly flirting and bonding over their shitty fathers and childhood >>

-i’m glad he doesn’t want to kill kids anymore and is like,,,, becoming a better person

-NOT VIGILANTE FIJWKFJSJD

-vigilante-mobile 😭😭😭😭

-“dude they know ur here get out of the bushes” “i don’t know what ur talking abt” JFKWOFNKWF

-them STILL fighting abt the berenstain bears JDJEKDJJE

-what is this goop

-OH EWWWW

-their butterfly mouths

-is he gonna be able to do it

-he’s :( guys he’s making me sad

-is vigilante gonna do it for him :3

-damn all 4

-JUDO MASTER SAVES PAPA BEAR

-here comes murn 🗣️

-“obviously he feels anger -_-“ JFMWODNWK

-HE STABBED ADRIANNN

-judo master kicking adrian’s ass 😭😭

-harcourt getting mad that leota didn’t want to kill the secret service guy but this whole time she’s been talking abt how they don’t kill innocents and then killed an innocent so 🤨🤨 what’s the truth

-emilia FUCK OFFFFFF

-i am forever in the leota defense squad

-judo master w the cheetos once again <3

-“ur fucking adorable i wanna put u in my pocket. i wanna take u home and play with u with my gi joes”

-“remember when i fucked you up?” period

-the senator is kind of … SORRY

-the soundtrack is so good

- torture time 🗣️

-NOT ON ADRIANS NUTS

-JUDWJIDND judomasfwr flipping peacemaker off like exactly

-they pulled adriens mask and he’s changing his facial expressions 😭😭

-fuck you christopher.

-MY POOR BABY

-james better stop judomaster from leaving

-“uh…maybe you could just give him a little” no fr

-“NO NOT THE FUCKING CAR YOU LITTLE FUCKER”

-“WHAT? my pinky? why me again???” :( STOP BEING MESN TO HIMMM

-the way his face dropped when christopher said to cut off all his toes he deadass went 😦

-HES RLLY CUTTING HIS TOE OFF???

-can these bitch hurry up and blow the fucking door down AND SAVE HIM

-OR CAN HE UNTIE HIMSELF FASTER???

-“WHY IS IT NOT COMING OFF?” “BC UR BLADES R DULL AS FUCK MAN WHY DONT YOU MAINTAIN YOIR TORTURE SHIT??”

-murn getting blown up

-JUDOMASTER LISTENING TO KPOP LETS GO

-HELDOFNAKCN

-JAMES JUST KNOCKED RHE FUCKKKK OUT OF JUDOMASTER W HIS TRUCK

-blew his head off <3

-damn knocked him out of the car and everything 😭

-HE HIT HIM W A CROW BAR AND THEN BACKED UO AND KEEPS DOING IT

-him laughing 😭😭😭 “ECONOMOUS MOTHER FUCKER”

-adrian :3

-OH ITS A BUTTERFLY INSIDE THEIR BRAIN

-economous dancing like exactly

-the butterfly design is cool

-OH DAMN there’s a lot of suspected butterfly’s

-like a LOT

-ok end credit scene

-“but if you just be chris smith people might actually like you” 🥹🥹

-ok i’m excited for episode 4 bc uhm. adrian in his little prison jumpsuit…..gulp

#peacemaker #peacemaker 2022 #b reacts live #s1 ep3 better goff dead #christopher smith #adrian chase

[soggypotatoes]

very conflicted and confused and jdgddsg... im supposed to leave hospital in a few days, after about 9 weeks, and like.. i really need to figure out what to do bc it’s my decision ultimately

i want to leave because i have a thing im going to on thursday ive been looking forward to all year and will be very upset if i miss it

i dont want to leave because im safe here and i feel like i will hurt myself at home

i want to leave because i can eat all the foods i miss

i dont want to leave because here i have many people around constantly who check in with me many times a day to ask how i am and talk with me

i want to leave because over 9 weeks seems like waaay too long and is it really helping at this point?

i dont want to leave because, man, seeing a psychiatrist 3x a week is really useful and i need to keep changing my meds and i cant do that on my own

i want to leave because I MISS MY DOG SO MUCH

i dont want to leave because here i can take a sleeping medication that works and doesnt make me feel dead in the morning and i cant have it at home cause it’s addictive as hell and i will abuse it if i don’t have someone giving me a controlled dose

i want to leave because being surrounded by new people all the time is as overwhelming as it is helpful

i dont want to leave because i’ve just developed a habit of sitting by the nurse station and it’s nice cause i can do my own thing while also being able to hear people talking and laughing and having people walk past and say hi to me and occasionally offer to get me tea and say random things to me and i get so fucking lonely at home even though i love my housemate and love living with him and most of the time i really really want to be alone but the thing is being around so many people i dont know all the time, idk i always thought that sounded like absolute hell but now im kind of addicted to it... tho i still hide... like i hid from people in my room all day today... but now im sitting by the nurses again i just... dont want to be alone ever again, suddenly?

i want to leave because i want a long bath in our massive bathtub before we have to move

i dont want to leave because we have to move straight away and im so fucking exhausted and i dont know how to do it and id rather just live in stasis actually :’)

i want to leave because i feel stuck in transition and seeing other people living their lives, going out, seeing friends, doing cool stuff, going to concerts and camping and living is making me wanna cry cause im stuck in a f  cuuking hospital 24/7

i dont want to leave because sometimes i pretend a few of the nurses are actually my family and when i leave theres a solid chance they wont be here the next time im admitted :’)))))

i want to leave because being so scared of losing people i barely know that i have somehow become so viscerally attached to is Too Much, Man and it’d be easier to just rip them out sooner rather than later

i dont want to leave because im scared :(

#ed mumbles #like i have been told i can stay if i want to #but i cant. i have to leave #right?? i have to leave #what do i do if i dont leave?? just live here forever??? cmon #i have to go #just. the feeling of being looked after is so addictive :'( #i didnt realise how much i wanted that #and i know ultimately i am and will be alone #it's not realistic to expect to be cared for #im trying to tell myself over and over this is a temporary fantasy #i have to learn to look after myself #if i keep wanting to be looked after.. it's just not going to happen and ill just be sad forever #grow UP