#i am genuinely so happy and in peace and its just the nicest feeling
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AWOMOD: A Touch of the Past (CH 9)
Characters: Loki x Ashira; TV GoT version characters of Dorne but it’s my version of that version.
Warnings: angst, nightmares,
Locations: her ship, TV GoT version of Dorne but it’s my version of that version; a place that is basically my version of Jakku.
Word count: 8,000+
Summary:Memories Ashira forced herself to forget (though she remembers everyday) are dragged from the depths when she realizes just how much Loki means to her.
A/N: I am so sorry for taking so long,,, It’s been a long few months. This feels longer to me than it is. Also, the dress she wears is basically Daenerys’ Qarth dress (this). Sorry for any mistakes,,, its been a thing.
AWOMOD Masterlist
Previous
The sun on Dorne never seems to fail cheering her up. Something about the way it shines, she supposes, always makes it feel nicer than it is. Maybe it’s because it’s where Ares isn’t. It is an adversarial planet to her home after all, and, despite that, she can roam freely around. They will never turn her over; Dorne doesn’t want Ares to have the satisfaction of anything. The ex-princess of Ares was essentially granted amnesty as soon as she escaped Hala. They even contacted her.
And she had gladly accepted. She needed somewhere to go and to be honest, if they were intending to kill her or use her in an attempt to create a fake peace of some form, she was so close to death that she didn’t care. Anything would be better than what she just escaped.
They hadn’t tried to use her for anything. In fact, they genuinely wanted to help her. So for a few years after she escaped she spent most of her time in Dorne, adjusting their technology to match Ares or beat Ares’ detection.
But it just wasn’t home.
“So where are we?” Loki asks.
While he almost always wears the same thing with only mild moderation, she is yet again in another outfit. But this one is a bit of a shock: she’s wearing a dress. With her normal boots on, but a dress nonetheless. Made of a pale blue, shimmering, flowing fabric, and gold stripes periodically dusting the the fibers, it fits perfectly. The curls of her hair flows over her shoulders and down her back to cover where there is a v in the dress. The silver of the locks braided contrast the gold metal work that is covering her shoulders, also found in the large gold metal work belt cinching her waist. Little baubles hang off each side of her waist; they even jangle a little as the wind blows past them. The neckline matches the back, plunging between her chest and easily exposing more cleavage than anything else he has ever seen her in.
Something slightly peeking out from the top of the low neckline, discoloration of her skin. A pure white patch just barely hidden…
Her hair also seems different. Braids, like always, but this time there are a few pins in it, all with smalls gems in them of the same shade of blue.
“Dorne. Come on.”
He’s never heard of it before. Then again, there is a lot he hasn’t heard of before that Ashira has guided him to. Asgardian education really let him down.
Loki shoves his hands in his pockets. “Should I change? You look much nicer than I thought I’d ever see you.”
Ashira scowls. “I can look nice, asshole. I just don’t normally wear dresses.”
“Sorry…” Loki trails off. His intent wasn’t to insult, but rather compliment. “I just meant, it looks nice on you…”
A glint of dark blue catches his eye. Around her neck is a simple pendant necklace. The blue in the center, which rests perfectly in the center of her sternum, seems anything but ordinary. There is a glow that yanks his mind towards it. It’s beautiful… alluring… mesmerizing…
“Loki, hey, Loki!” Ashira snaps her fingers in front of him.
He snaps his eyes up. “Yes?”
“Brain is up here.” She points towards her head. “That’s definitely my best feature so if you want to stare at anything let it be that.”
Loki laughs at that, forcing his eyes back to her grinning face. “But if your face is your worst….?”
“Still look there.” She chuckles, pulling at his left arm. “Come on, Loki. I’m not going to sit here the whole time when we are in one of the nicest places in the universe.”
When they exit the ship Loki hops back in. They are not in an open field or a secluded forest. Instead the first thing he sees as he walks out is several pathways followed by several other landed ships followed by the realization that they are landed in an area very clearly in an area designated for the government of this… Dorne.
Banners and flags are set up all around the area with a red sun proud in the center of the dusty orange fabric, a single golden spear running straight through it. Even from the glance of the landing area he got, he can tell there is one painted beneath them.
Ashira is already thirty steps ahead of him, however.
Unsure of whether she is being foolishly stupid or not, he opts catches up with her. Better to be with her and help her get out than leave her alone and end up both detained or killed.
“So why are we just walking around so casually?” Loki asks once beside her.
“Major enemy of Ares. They don’t want Ares to get me back and Ares has no access to this planet so they can’t tell if I am here or not.” Ashira slows her steps as they approach the arched entrance of the Water Gardens. “Plus I fixed a lot of their tech so Ares can’t touch them for the most part. I come here only occasionally though. It’s pretty.”
Loki continues to walk forward and even passes her when they finally reach the entrance of the Water Gardens. “I’ll agree with you on that.”
A quiet snort is released as she watches Loki look around in awe.
Every color Loki could ever imagine (and then some) in every plant; shimmers and glimmers like he never thought possible on a plant of all things; birds that appear to be hummingbirds but vibrant pinks and blues and purples instead of a more toned down blue or brown or shimmering green (though that does make sense, evolutionarily); and row upon row of infinity pools filled with the most fantastic water features, plants and fish.
And he thought Asgard has the most amazing gardens.
“Enjoying yourself?” Ashira teases.
Loki happily scoffs. “This is amazing... I’ve never seen any place prettier.”
“It only gets more beautiful.”
It remains a silent walk. Loki is far too distracted by everything to make conversation. Ashira opts to just silently move beside him and continually playfully tapping some of the more active plants, hands gliding through every little pond and basin of water.
Then, about ten minutes into the walk, a set of 9 guards marching come around the corner. Clad from head to toe in something eerily similar to what she wore when they landed on, but with more loose and colorful fabrics. The guards are large as well, larger than him in every respect.
Loki expects Ashira to either tense up or even try to find an alternate route. Instead of tensing, she simply pauses her steps and smiles.
She even stands a little straighter. Not in challenge though… respect.
“Ashira, the King awaits,” the singular unmasked guard at the head of the group announces.
Ashira nods. “Thank you.”
Her steps pull her forward, then immediately back again. At least half have weapons pointed at Loki that she hadn’t originally noticed. Those that don’t are gripping the hilt of their swords anxiously.
The guard peers past Ashira. “Who is your friend?”
Ashira glances over to Loki. There is a soft smile on her face, no malice or suspicion for once. “He can be trusted. He was outcasted from Asgard.”
“Asgard?” The guard looks him over. Loki feels exposed. Sure he was singled out on Asgard for various reasons but never treated like a hostile threat being brought on trial. “Then he is welcome as well.” All the guards immediately return to a neutral position resulting in Loki letting go of the breathe trapped in his lungs. “Come.”
All guards turn a perfect 180 in sync to begin their walk towards the palace.
Loki leans down to whisper to Ashira. “So... what is happening?”
“The King meets with me once a year to thank me.” It’s at a normal tone instead of the whisper he desired.
“Oh.”
Ashira chuckles. “That’s why I am dressed like this.” Her hands gesture down her body. “For respect of their traditions.”
Loki hums. Respecting traditions doesn’t really seem her style. “And the necklace? A gift from him?”
“No!” She rushes to reply. Loki immediately whips his head to more closely examine her. No one replies that quickly about a necklace. “It was.” She swallows hard. Loki notices. “It was a gift from someone else. A...” she exhales slowly. “... a friend.”
Loki leaves it at that.
The palace is entirely open from what he can tell, built of a red clay with no real doors or windows, just open arches on every level. In fact, Loki hadn’t even noticed they were entering a building until the sun grew dim as they turned right down a hall.
At the end of said hall sits a man who appears to be at least half way through his life, as Loki does not know how these people age.
And the chair… has wheels?
Loki recalls reading about some form of chair with wheels that helps those who cannot walk, but Asgard never even had them as far as he is aware. It’s a bizarre sight to see and even more bizarre to see a monarch in one.
“Ashira!” The King shouts, extending his arms out to her. She leans into them, awkwardly balanced on her toes as they embrace. It’s not very long but the man is definitely happy with it. “And who is this?” He gestures behind Ashira.
Ashira simply places her right hand on his left forearm as reassurance that Loki is not an enemy. She pauses though, taking a moment to look back at Loki.
His face is entirely neutral and mostly focused on her (not on the king like he was trained). The pair shares a brief smile before Ashira turns her head slowly towards the king again.
“A friend.”
Doran raises his right brow skeptically. Ashira has never brought anyone with her on her trips back to Dorne. Not even Selene. “A… friend. Alright. Well, everyone is here today.”
Ashira yanks her head back in shock. “Your brother is here?”
“He is.” Doran nods. “As are all his children.”
“Is there a special occasion?”
“I wish. He is never here when those occur. Let’s go before he decides to leave again.”
A guard aids in wheeling the king around. While they wait Ashira realizes her left hand is still rested on Loki’s forearm. The prince seems not to even mind her instinctively protective touch that has turned into a comically long lingering hold.
Embarrassed, Ashira tugs her hand away hastily before slowing her movements once a few inches away to reduce the visibility of her movement. Loki notices regardless.
As the group starts to walk, Loki leans towards Ashira, again.
“So who is all here?”
“The king, his daughter and two sons, the king’s younger brother and his eight daughters are all here today, as well as the prince’s lover.”
Loki furrows his brows. A lover invited to a formal gathering? “His lover?”
“Yeah, she is the mother of four of his children.”
Oh. “So they are not legitimate?”
“Every child is legitimate, but they aren’t in line for the throne. Any of them, technically. Four have the same mother, but the other four all have different mothers.”
“What?”
Ashira looks up at him confused. “What?”
Loki hums. “That would never be allowed on Asgard. Unmarried is one thing but five mothers for eight children?”
“Marriage is immensely rare on Ares.” So are unplanned kids. Or, kids at all. “So it happens. Think of Dorne like an in-between.”
And then they enter the room.
Well, it’s more like a courtyard, Loki figures, seeing as each side as covered pathways but the inner part is entirely roofless, giving way for the bright, searing sun to light the semi-bricked yard. A large wooden table is set in the center, with trees and bushes surrounding it and a water fountain proudly on the other side from them.
The people - hel the people - are dressed everywhere from close to what Ashira is donning to sandy toned clothing that is barely covering anything. Then there is the sheer chaos of the situation. Even the older of the people seem to be running around and play fighting, one girl using a whip to pull who appears to be her older sister back to her.
This is a royal gathering? It feels informal. He would be chastised for not sitting properly, forget wrestling his brother to the ground.
“Come on,” Ashira whispers at Loki’s stoic and shocked form.
There are three seats towards the end of the table near the side they are on where there are no indicators of being pre-occupied. Well, four, if you count the empty spot where a Queen would presumably sit, as well as two on one side and one on the other.
Loki goes opposite Ashira as she chooses to sit where there are two spaces. He almost followed to sit beside her. His upbringing kicked in and overruled him, reminding him that he ought to sit opposite her.
So he reluctantly sits across, sliding into the chair at the very end of the right side from the King’s view. Ashira offers an almost sympathetic smile.
Barely a minute after Loki and Ashira sit down, the rest begin to follow. The once empty seat beside Ashira is soon filled by a woman who makes a show of staring another guest down before tossing her spear to stick perfectly in the center of the planter behind said guest.
“Still don’t see why you should get to go first,” the other guest, another woman in similar clothes practically whines.
“Because I am both older and better.” She raises her brow before sitting very uncordially down.
Someone slides in besides Loki, as he expected, so he does not pay much attention. His mind is more focused on trying to generally identify most of the people as everyone begins to seat themselves not wanting to insult anyone. He has learned that it does not matter whether or not you’ve been introduced or told the title of someone, it’s better not to disrespect them.
“Nym, no weapons at the table, you know that,” an older woman a few spots down and across from who Loki has identified as the younger brother of the king, whispers angrily.
The way the girl reluctantly slides the whip beneath the table to her feet reminds him much the many, many times his brother had to be reminded Mjolnir was not allowed at the table and opted to just slide the weapon out of sight.
Loki cannot help but zone out. He’s been through too many events like this in his lifetime. The king will make an announcement thanking everyone, the food will be brought out, people will eat. Conversation will commence.
And that’s exactly what happens. The only factor throwing Loki off is Ashira. She is just sitting there across from them in clothes that just don’t seem to fit her quite right. She doesn’t seem like a roam around in a flow dress type. Yet she is conversing as if this is niche, this is where she really flourishes. From what he knows these sorts of meals were not common on Ares. Somehow she makes it look like she’s been through it for centuries like he has.
As he continues to eat mindlessly (the food is amazingly flavored but immensely repetitive, though he can't really blame them for being in a desert planet), his eyes can’t help but switching between the necklace and the plastic like spot on her chest, even if his mind is elsewhere. Something about both just seem unnatural in ways he can’t quite describe and now that he is sat directly across from her he has the opportunity to just look.
The pendant seems to be alive. The blue pulses not randomly, but controlled and consistently, like a heart beat almost. But it also seems to react to Ashira as she laughs and talks as if it is trying to respond as well. The shades even swirl around like it is thinking a couple of times.
The spot is less and more odd. It is not like her other scars that seem to have naturally stitched back together with the surrounding skin; it also doesn’t look like something just pasted on either. Add the strangeness that the patch appears to be most of her left chest, meaning her heart was somehow impacted as well.
At least that is what he assumes.
“What do you think, Loki?”
He is shaken out of his mindless staring. “Pardon me?”
“I was wondering what you think of the trade disputes due to the new found mine of gravitonium?” it’s the king’s brother.
Loki shifts slightly. “I don’t think I have enough knowledge to be qualified to answer that.”
Oberon nods satisfied. “A reasonable answer. I wish that’s how the rest of the Westeros system would respond instead of interrupting our intervention. That reminds me…”
He looks back to Ashira for assurance he responded correctly to her to see her smiling over at Loki widely, hiding her face partially behind the glass of wine in her hand. A smile pulls at his lips as well.
The King watches the entire table carefully, including his guest and her friend. He notes the lingering smiles between the two causing himself to get slightly distracted when his brother asks him a question.
One of the others, Loki assumes the lover of the king’s younger brother, soon says something that pulls Ashira’s attention to way. But her head pulls away slowly, her lips answering before actually looking back to the others.
“You are very lucky,” the woman to the left of him whispers.
Nam? Nym? Something like that.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Ashira. She is an amazing warrior and very pretty. Anyone would be lucky to have her.”
“Oh, we’re not —”
The girl cuts him off.
“That’s a shame. I know the older of the two princes has been interested in her since they first met. She isn’t interested but you never know.”
Loki’s brows furrow and he looks down the table again. The prince on his side on the table is indeed staring at Ashira. It isn’t a subtle stare either. It’s a doe-eyed, intense, ceaseless stare that Ashira is either blissfully ignorant of or insanely amazing at ignoring.
“Don’t worry, it would never work out.”
The girl’s words draw him out of the staring he begun at the prince. The difference? Loki’s utensils now were slightly altered in shape; the handles of them now bent back to follow the curve of his hand. He opts to set them down and pick up his glass. Just needs to relax.
“Pardon me?” Loki asks.
“It would never work. We only live for a hundred years at most, she’s almost 5,000 years.”
Loki chokes on his drink at that. She’s as old as his entire lifespan? He really hadn’t thought how old she must be if she is in the Greek Myths. She looks maybe a tad bit older than him, by maybe a few years in terms of relative age. So if he is a fifth through his life, there is a chance she is as well.
Live for 25,000 years? Hel, that’s a long time.
Too long, even.
“You okay Loki?” Ashira asks. Her attention has returned to him at the sound of his coughing. Outwardly she appears generally concerned like any friend would; internally she is genuinely concerned.
He looks down at the red wine refusing to drip off his leather then to her. “Yeah, just drank it wrong.”
“Well, be careful. It’d be a shame for you to die because of some wine of all things.”
-
The rest of the meal continues similarly - Loki unsure of when he should and shouldn’t talk, Ashira being unusually social and talkative, several of the daughters of the prince (and the prince himself) suggesting things that seem obscene to be discussed at such a supposedly formal setting. Sure, Asgardians talked often about battles and such, but never anything like the poison the girl beside him figured out how to imbue her whip with.
That was currently sat at their feet.
Something he appreciated, but a few others did not.
When it does finally end, some of the people go off in various directions, others remaining in the court-yard to go back to fighting each other.
His attention is removed from the clamor around him when Ashira says his name.
“Loki, we’re going to leave soon. If you want to fight them, do it now.”
“I-I what?” Loki narrows his eyes. “I was observing them.”
She shrugs as she stands. Loki stands as well. “All I’m saying is if you want to rumble before we leave, might as well.”
The king is wheeled down towards their end while Loki walks around the end of the table to meet Ashira.
“I’m assuming you will want some wine again?” Doran asks Ashira.
“I can’t say no. Best alcohol in the entire universe.”
“Well, I’m not sure about that.” The King waves his right hand and two guards move quickly out of the room. “We wish you good fortune and that you will visit again.”
“I will. Don’t worry.” Once again she bends down awkwardly, carefully tipping to hug the ruler. Loki nearly grimaces at her disastrous posture as she does so. “I’ll always come back to visit.”
“Very good. Goodbye until next time.”
“Until next time.”
Ashira then turns to walk back to her ship, skirt billowing out around her. Loki is quick to follow. While this place isn’t threatening (confusing, rather), he doesn’t wish to linger without Ashira. The prince was taught better than to intrude.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t get more than a few paces before his name is called once again.
“And Loki?”
Loki pauses, watching as Ashira continues on as if she didn’t even hear his name being called. Hesitant to completely lose sight of her, Loki opts to look over his shoulder at the older king.
“Yes, your grace?”
“Stay a moment.”
Loki sighs and turns. His royal upbringing is fighting the past few months of adventures. On the one hand, he knows he needs to remain courteous in front of a member of the royal family of this planet (more importantly, the king) and stay as long as the king wants; on the other Ashira’s impatience and specific type of chaos has seeped into him and he has become wary of anyone who is not himself or her.
“What is it that you need?” Loki speaks up.
“Just some advice from an old, dying man.” Loki nods. Seems as though every old, dying man he has met in his life has advice to offer. “Don’t hurt her. She’s been through a lot... she’s hurting a lot, still. We don’t invite her just to thank her, we invite her to make sure she is doing okay. We took her in for a time after she escaped, a time when she was too shaken up to make sense of anything. This is the first time she has seemed happy. Don’t ruin that.”
Loki takes a moment so he can process what was just told him. It’s a lot packed into only a few words.
First, the old, dying man is advising him not to hurt Ashira because she seems happy. Between the king’s insinuation and the girl’s implication, what Loki had begun to consider since the quiet conversation the other night seems more real… or maybe realistic? Two people don’t just say things like that unless the feelings are two-sided.
He also just admitted that it isn’t a yearly thank you, rather a yearly check-up on her. Loki’s been a witness to some of her worst moments of relived panic but for it to be of enough concern that an entire other race checks on her regularly?
That is a little stunning, to say the least.
“I have no plans to,” Loki decides to respond.
“Good. Cause if you do, she has more people behind her than she makes it seem. She could change the universe if she wanted.”
Loki smiles at that. “Trust me, I know.”
-
Loki finds Ashira spinning around like a child in the pilot’s seat, outfit changed to plain black leggings and a matching tank top. His eyes inadvertently go immediately to the scars along her neck and arms that she is no longer covering. The day she explained them was the same day she gave him something that healed him when his magic wouldn’t. So he stares almost blankly as he realizes she has scars when she shouldn’t.
“So what did the King want to talk to you about?” She does not stop spinning as she asks.
“Just offering me some advice.” Loki sits in the co-pilot seat.
Ashira nods slowly as she final stops her spinning. Her brain is still off somewhere else as she continues to speak. “So despite being stocked up on alcohol, we are kinda low on everything else. We’ll stop at J’henga tomorrow.”
“Alright.”
Silence blankets the ship for a few minutes, save the sounds of switches being flipped and the engine whispering to life. Ashira has nothing more to say for now; Loki is not sure what to say to her. Yet right before she can finally take them off the ground he speaks again.
“Were you ever going to tell me you live for 25,000 years?”
She pauses. Shit. “Why would it matter?”
Loki shrugs. “Would have been nice to know.”
“Why?” She scoffs and her head turns to face him. “One day you are going to go home…” she shakes her head. “…and if not, realize that I’m not a good person to be around. You’ve seen me and what I do. I bring chaos and even death everywhere I go. One day you will leave me and it will be long before my age actually comes into question.”
Her words end with a sad, nearly in tears tone. She didn’t intend for those words to tumble from her lips. As the anniversary of the day grows near, despite her attempts to ignore it, her mind and body automatically begin to act on their own, forcing her into more unstable and erratic moods.
“Well, I am the God of Mischief,” Loki replies as he works to make sense of what she just said, “sometimes known as of Chaos. I’m not worried.”
“You should be.” She shakes her head and turns away. “You should be.”
With that she pulls them off the ground, leaving Loki to sit quietly in their ascent.
—
The following morning Ashira awakens before him, as always. She pushes herself to a sitting position with ease, her left hand mindlessly reaches to where the pendant of the necklace ought to be. Her hand, however, just touches the strands of hair that decided to stick to her chest as she slept.
The necklace is gone.
Her heart practically skyrockets past the walls of the ship.
She knows she didn’t take it off last night when they both finally made it to bed; it was definitely still secure around her, the metal clasp going absolutely nowhere. It had to be, she remembers seeing the reflection of its glow as she fell asleep.
In her panic Ashira nearly falls off of the window seat.
Thankfully she stops herself before she can full tumble off.
First, her eyes search where she was sleeping while her hands fervently shake out her hair and shirt.
No necklace.
Then a quick search of the floor around her is done.
No necklace.
There is no way it could have gone far.
Right as she turns to go downstairs to see if it could have possibly fallen off down there, she catches sight of the blue.
It is hovering along the wall, a little note beside it.
‘Didn’t want it to get tangled with your hair, I hope you don’t mind.’
Ashira snatches it away from the hook. The blue swirls around inside as she grabs it into her hands once again as if to greet her like an excited dog. Similarly relieved, she quickly puts it back on.
The weight is exactly what her anxious self needs. Her fingers on both hands nervously curl and uncurl around it several times.
“Are you alright?”
Loki has barely woken up at the sound of her scrambling.
“Y-Yeah,” Ashira mutters back, turning to face him. “J’Henga is uh, not far out. Maybe 45 minutes? We can land now if you’d like.”
“I mean, we’re up.”
Ashira nods. “Yeah, already up. I’ll be downstairs.”
-
And her timing is still scarily accurate. 45 minutes after she descends to the cockpit they land and another fifteen later she is standing at the entrance of the ship in white leggings and a loose tan blouse, Loki coming to stand beside her a moment after in a looser, less leather version of his normal clothing. Another desert planet.
“You ready?” He asks.
Loki watches as Ashira nervously grip the necklace.
Ashira turns to him and smiles. “Of course. Always am.”
The trek to the trading post - Ashira made a point of ensuring Loki knew it was not a city or village of any kind - is unusually quick. It is not a one mile or more hike to get close to civilization. Instead, it appears there are tons of ships around them and everyone seems to generally be moving towards the same trading post - some with wagons and actual boats worth of goods, others with nothing. The walk itself is also not long, a half mile at most.
Loki isn’t sure what he expected when he finally gets a clear view of the area. It really is just a bunch of make-shift stands and people randomly scattered once they pass the entrance point. More species than he has ever seen before are selling and trading in one spot to their left, to their right a singular woman with ten animals he has never seen before. The closest thing Loki can compare them to is some form of mangled horse.
“We really just need food, to be honest,” Ashira finally relays to Loki. “Once we are out of this system with the track I’m on we won’t be getting great food any time soon after, so we need to get a lot, actually.”
“Any suggestions then?”
“Not really. Trust your gut, but most of the stuff here is good. To be honest,” Ashira careful side steps a bucket of who knows what, “the food that doesn’t follow any regulations tends to be the best I’ve learned. So don’t be afraid of the gross stuff, your highness.”
“I - I am offended you would think I would be afraid of ‘gross’ stuff,” Loki huffs.
“You are a pretty rules and regulations guy from what I can tell so… yeah. Anyway, c’mon.”
Of course, she’s right. Loki nearly slaps a bag of out of Ashira’s hands as it is passed to her because he swear he saw something moving inside of it that shouldn’t have been. He claimed he is just concerned for her health. She has to remind him that it will be just fine and that she has been here before whereas he has not.
He reluctantly yielded.
-
Three hours into their market wandering and multiple instances of Ashira casually handing Loki yet another bag and him pretending not to notice that she still is carrying nothing, Ashira notices them nearly done.
“So we’ve got almost everything,” Ashira hums, handing yet another bag to Loki.
“So what’s left, miss ‘I cannot carry my own bags’.”
Ashira tries to stop the absolutely ridiculous grin pulling on her lips at Loki’s remark. “Hey, every king needs to learn to be humbled every so often.” She glances up to him. “Sugar, is what we need. Like candy. Specifically something that is like 100% sugar is preferable.”
“Do you have a sweet tooth I never noticed?”
“Hm, maybe. It’s also good to chase some of the drinks I got from Dorne with candy or mix them. Trust me, it makes the experience much, much better.”
“You would know. A true connoisseur of drinks, I’ve learned.”
With the next step her gut feels like it’s been punched.
It’s the day again.
To be honest, Ashira tries not to keep track.
But she feels it in her gut. The dread, the complete and utter dread fills her system as they walk through market. Her heart is palpitating so painfully; her vision blurring dramatically. Things are spinning in circles, the crowd rolling almost comedically around as she struggles to stay balanced.
Loki immediately notices the change. The runaway has a very distinct pattern of walking through bustling crowds and any change is immediately obvious to him.
So he calls out to her as she stumbles out of arms reach.
Only one grabs Ashira’s attention, however. A person. Someone a bit shorter than Loki pushing through the crowd a few feet in front of her with white hair to his shoulder and a perfectly clean dark silver streak against his left side.
At least it looks that way to her spinning head.
Ashira rushes forward. The crowd is thick but means nothing to her panic mixed with her natural strength. She isn’t paying attention to the narrowed eyes, growls, and Loki’s increasingly concerned shouts to her.
Once she reaches the man, her hands wrap around his wrist. His head whips to look at the sudden intrusion.
“Eros?” Ashira asks hopefully.
Who she grabbed onto, however, is a disgruntled mixed Elf, part light, part lunar with narrowed, angry plain hazel eyes and hair that is actually more of a very light blond with brown streak through it. The man yanks his arm away from Ashira violently. She involuntarily stumbles forward.
Then someone else comes to stand in front of her. Fingers curl around her upper arms and squeezes. She’s too disoriented to even flinch or pull away. Her eyes just stare directly forward for a moment or two. So the person squeezes her arms again. Her brows slowly pull inward; she’s confused as to what is happening. The person squeezes again.
She finally looks up, mind completely dissociating from her surroundings. The face seems familiar, she thinks.
“Are you alright?” Loki wonders.
Ashira furrows her brows. “Loki?” It’s a statement laced with confusion.
“Uh, yeah, it’s me.” Loki puts on a smile to assure her it will be okay. “Let’s get you back to your ship, you don’t look well.”
“Alright...” Ashira looks back to his chest. “Sure.”
-
Loki practically drags her back to the ship. She is stumbling and struggling to even see as her body falls into a numb panic.
When he finally practically hurls her onto the ship, she instantly dashes up the stairs.
It’s not a smooth run, it’s messy. Loki is staring agape as she falls on her face twice in her scurry.
She’s tearing open her pathetic little chest of clothes in her little window seat. Buried beneath all her clothes, deep within her makeshift bed, are two physical pictures she has kept. The first is her and Selene, centuries ago, laughing on top of their ship after their first successful stealth mission.
But the second?
Her and Eros in front of the new engine they built so ships can be converted mid-flight instead of needing fighter ships attached and risk the main ship getting damaged. Her lips are pressed against his cheek as he grins sappily, the engine acting as a seat. He’s flushed in both excitement and embarrassment: she had just kisses him (albeit only on the cheek) in front of hundreds of people. He was never particularly public.
She hasn’t touched it in ten years.
But to see it doesn’t help. That’s why she stopped looking at - instead of helping her cope it only made her sadder and more angry at herself.
This time she doesn’t burn. There is a numbness inside of her that directs the pain inwards, her organs ripping and shredding instead of her surroundings. It somehow hurts less this way as well. She isn’t sure why.
To her, it’s unclear how long she has been sobbing on the floor, clutching the photo to her chest. It’s been about fifteen minutes.
Loki, having chalked up the incident on her just needing to eat combined with the heat, decided to make her something legitimately edible. Well, as edible as he can make something, especially given the limitations of the ship.
Satisfied, Loki calls out to her. “Hey, Ash, I made you food.”
Ash.
Ash.
Only one person ever called her that.
And she falls into harder sobs.
“Ashira?” He calls out.
He listens for a response only to hear her crying. It’s a painful, wet, deeply quiet sob.
With a sigh, he walks up stairs.
Ashira rushes to put the photo away; the seat closes right as Loki gets up the stairs.
“Seriously, what’s going on with you?” Loki demands.
“I’m fine.” It’s through a damaged throat still damp with tears.
Loki crosses his arms. “You are literally sobbing while collapsed on the ground."
Ashira hiccups. The hiccup shutters her entire body but she shakes it off, looking up at Loki with a crooked smile. “Like I said, perfectly fine.”
Loki rolls his eyes. “Whatever you say.”
—
When night falls, Loki is no less worried.
She opted to leave as soon as dusk hit (without giving him a reason) and he didn’t push for one. Something is wrong and she is too stubborn to explain.
Due to the overwhelming amount of energy she spent crying (and her body attempting to heal itself), Ashira falls into a calm slumber quickly.
Loki is not so lucky.
He lies awake worried.
What the hell happened today and what the hell happened to mess her up this much?
He spends a few hours mulling it over but knows he will get no answers by just making assumptions in the dead of night.
Eventually he, too, begins to drift off.
—
“Are you excited, ‘Shira?” Selene asks, finishing off the braid she’s spent the past hour on.
Ashira snorts. “Of course. I mean, I’m getting married.”
“And it is going to be a wonderful spectacle.”
“I would hope so.”
Loki, in his half-asleep state, barely registers the sound of Ashira suddenly gasping like she is choking.
Kneeling in the water bed of the waterfall, Ashira chuckles as splashes continuously hit her and Eros in the face. He keeps flinching his silver eyes closed to stop the water from hitting them but he keeps reopening them to look at her. Her grin causes Eros chuckles back, his fingers gripping hers a little harder.
“Now, to make the bond official, you both shall share a kiss to seal your fates together.”
Ashira pushes forward to press her lips against his. She’s crying into it. So is he. It’s a messy kiss, filled with wet tears on their wet faces, a happy giggle leaving both of their lips.
As her lips pull away from him, it’s no longer Eros in front of her, smiling back.
It’s Loki.
“Wh-what?” She gasps.
“What’s wrong, Ash? Did I get something caught in my hair again?”
“Y-you’re not…”
“You’ve got something, on your…”
But then he begins to vanish. First his hands crumble in hers, nothing more than ashes. It quickly spreads up his arms; bit by bit he slowly fades into nothing more than shattered particles, body falling into the water and washing away.
His face is last, still smiling as it does, like nothing is wrong.
A sob passes her lips in both real life and her dream.
Loki practically jumps out of bed.
She turns her head back to look at Selene, tears already blurring her eyes with sorrow and panic. Selene looks just as shocked as Ashira feels. Her face is darkened by sadness combined with fear - fear of repercussions, not fear of her best friend.
“What did you do?” Eros’ father shrieks. “What did you do to my son?”
Ashira, terrified and breathing sporadically looks back to the group of people watching. All eyes are either wide with terror or narrowed with anger.
“I-I… I don’t know,” she sputters out.
Some of the higher officials run up behind Ashira and grab her arms and throw cuffs around them. She’s immobilized as the paralysis injection begins to push through her veins. But it increases the panic in her system, the complete opposite its intention, whatever flowing through her veins fighting off the substance, the poison, attempting to hurt her. She’s too panicked to notice the burning glow on her body, too terrified to feel the heat radiating off of her.
The blanket around her body is practically strangling her.
Loki begins to shake her quickly with his left hand and his right is tugging the blanket from around her. It’s choking her.
“Ashira, Ashira you need to wake up.”
“No! No please, I don’t know what happened, please let me go!” Ashira screeches as multiple officials begin dragging her away. “No!”
Before she is dragged more than a foot, the ones holding her slowly begin to disintegrate too.
There is a burn of purple erupting along Ashira’s skin. She’s heating up and yelling out nonsense. Not only is the purple whatever tearing at her, but she is physically burning up, a sweat beginning to cover her skin.
“Ashira, come on you gotta wake up.” His hand goes to touch her head to see just how hot she is.
He pulls his hand away with a hiss. He remembers that one visit he, his brother and the other four fools his brother calls friends took to Muspelheim and how Volstagg so graciously tripped him so he fell face first into a pile of very, very hot rocks. The whole ship begins rumbling and tearing apart slowly at the seams. The metal begins to glow a heated red around the edges.
She’s going to blow the ship.
In the middle of flying.
“Hey, Ash, wake up!”
It’s only a sense of distraught in him. His heart is skipping beats as he keeps shaking her by touching the extra fabric of her shirt. Her skin is far to warm for her to even be living at this point.
“What the hel is going on?” Loki whispers desperately.
Loki looks around again to see the ceiling ready to fall on them both. So he does what he can to calm and cool her. It’s dangerous, it’s risky and also the only solution he can think of. He hopes he won’t regret what he is about to do.
His skin begins to shift blue.
It’s chaos. People are screaming, shouting, scrambling. Except Selene, who is running towards the girl she was raised with. Selene just wants to pull her friend away before any more drastic action is taken, like being killed on the spot.
Where he touches her he begins to literally sizzle. Despite it hurting like hel and then some, Loki continues to try and cool her down at least marginally.
It seems to a work just a hair; enough that Ashira doesn’t feel like she ought to be a molten puddle on the ground, at least.
Before Selene can dive to Ashira, though, Ashira is blasted nearly unconscious. Her friend turns to see the Queen standing there, Scepter in her hand with at least three mindless Chitauri behind her.
As a taller, terrifyingly imposing person, even one side glance can instill fear. This murderous glare could cause immediate death.
“Have something you need to tell me?”
Selene gulps nervously.
Ashira hears this as she rolls over to look at her mother. Her hands reach out towards her mother, begging for her to help.
She barely spars at glance at her only child as Ashira loses consciousness.
But now she is re-heating up.
“Ashira!” Loki shouts.
The ship stops rattling.
She gasps for air as she sits up suddenly. Her eyes are wide and startled, whole body heaving with each inhale and exhale. She isn’t even looking towards him, just straight ahead. Her heart will not slow at all; there is purple radiating off of her palms and chest still. There is an odd cold touch on her left arm. It feels nice compared to the obscenely warm sweat covering her.
“Ashira?” Loki shifts back to his ivory color and touches her left arm again. It hurts from the scotching heat yet he refuses to let go. He decides to just change his hands and slowly rubs them up and down her forearm. “Normally you say something right after I wake you. Is everything alright?”
She’s grinding her teeth to calm her breath and mind. She doesn’t really know so she doesn’t really want to answer.
On one end, everything is fine. He is there in front of her. And alive.
On the other, this is the first time someone else has appeared in her nightmares.
“This is...” she pauses to slow her breath. It works only to slow her breath a smidge; it is better than nothing. So she turns slowly to look at Loki directly. His eyes are wide with sheer worry and he is desperately attempting to help her relax with his soft touch against her arm. “This is real, right?”
Loki’s brows softly gather together. He’s confused and concerned by her question. It even causes him to drop his hands. She isn’t paying enough attention to the physical sensations around her to notice.
“Why are you asking?”
Ashira wildly shakes her head, hoping her brain will reset. “I’m just being an idiot. I’m sorry.”
Her hands yearn to reach out and touch to confirm he is still there but she is too afraid that if she does they will move right through, or worse, he will vanish entirely.
Or even worse: he will crumble.
“You don’t ask dumb questions for no reason. What’s going on?”
Not even Selene, the girl she was raised with, the girl who has been her best friend for longer than Loki has been alive, has been the victim in her dreams.
She is terrified to admit what is the reason.
I’m scared, she wants to admit. I’m terrified. You were in my dream, I killed you in my dream and I’ve never had a dream like that. I think... I think I might love you.
And that might be more petrifying, horrifying, terrifying than anything else.
Because loving you means killing you.
“IOx-10. Let’s land tomorrow, maybe do some hiking or something?”
Loki smiles. “Whatever you need.”
“Thank you.”
There is no joke. No ‘my liege’, no ‘your highness’.
Simply a thank you.
___
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------
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@tarynkauai @illogicalfangirl
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college! jinwoo au
sokay jinwoo is s u p e r well known on campus because he's essentially the guy that’s always fun to be around and exudes confidence
he’s studying linguistics bc he’s fascinated with languages but also he just loves to talk and everyones always making jokes about how he’s so good with languages because he loves the sound of his own voice so much that he never shuts up
he also works at the campus radio station bc he just loves music so much!! AND he’s worked his way up to being a host so getting to play music & talk is basically the dream for him
everyone always tunes in during the hours that jinwoos hosting bc his taste in music is honestly amazing and he has the best radio voice and it makes everything he says sound interesting
you also listen to his show bc he honestly has never played a song you didn’t either already love or instantly fall in love with
but also you’re really beginning to hate this boy because the only reason you actually know him is because he lives right above you in the dorms
and he hosts the L O U D E S T parties that always happen to go till 4 am
usually you and your roommate fight over who has to go up and ask them to quiet down but tonight your roommate is out with some friends and its already 2 am you’re just laying in bed listening to the nonstop thudding sounds coming from above you & ur almost about to die because you have a 7:30 class tmrw
finally you force yourself out of bed and and into the hallway toward jinwoo’s room and you're so tired you're basically already half asleep
when you knock on the door and jinwoo comes out to see sleepy you in an oversized sweatshirt and leggings trying to form a coherent sentence ( it came out more like “the sound.. .too much.. please. stop.. the sound… theres a lot of it”) he can’t help but think you’re about the cutest thing he’s ever seen
and maybe if your eyes weren’t half closed and you weren’t entirely annoyed with the boy, you would’ve also thought he looked cute in his skinny jeans, t-shirt that was just a little bit too big, and perfectly messed up hair
but right now you're pretty much only focused on keeping yourself from completely collapsing in his door way
he feels really bad because you look like you're about to pass out but then his party has expanded to basically the whole floor and he’s lost the ability to control the noise level
he looks around for a few seconds and without saying anything goes to try to shuffle people into rooms and closing the doors in attempt to quiet things down a little
in the meanwhile you're still standing there in the door way wondering if you should go back now but for some reason your feet aren't moving and wow the floor looks really comfortable right now
but then before you can go to ur final resting place on the floor, jinwoo is back in front of you and he notices that you're like not stable so he puts his hands on your shoulders to try and hold you up and he's like “sorry about everyone. i don’t know if i can do much more about the noise, but i hope that helped a little bit???... also are you okay???”
and no ur obviously not okay bc all you've wanted for the past 3 hrs is to go to bed but everything like 20x quieter now and its so peaceful so you just offer a sleepy smile and nod and turn around to head back toward ur room and ur bed
but then suddenly someones linked their arm with yours and its jin jin trying to be cute and gentlemanly and walk u back to ur room but mostly he's like 90% sure ur gonna collapse in the hall on the way back
ur initial reaction is !! heLLO STRANGER DANGER?? you've only talked to this boy like twice ??? and u sort of tug ur arm away
but jin jin reacts really quickly and like gently pulls u back and he's like “you look like you could use the help. c’mon-“
but even half asleep u does not want the pity of a random cute boy who throws loud parties and disturbs ur sleep so u slightly perk up and are like “ what’s that supposed to mean? are U trying to say I look BAD?”
and jin jin is kind of flustered and taken aback but immediately recovers bc pls this is park jinwoo
“actually i think you look pretty cute and id rather not wake up tomorrow morning to find that you tripped down the stairs to your death while going back to your room because you were too tired.”
so ur like annoyed but ur also like ,,,, fine, maybe i do need someone to make sure i don't die before i get back to my room and also you're kinda leaning into him while u guys are walking and its really nice not having to carry ur own weight
when u guys get to ur door jin jin leans against the frame as ur unlocking it and before u go in he decides to throw away any shred of pride he has and goes for the literally cheesiest line bc he’s never seen anyone look as cute as you do right now
“so, what about a good night kiss?”
u look up to see the brightest smile u have ever?? seen?? like how is he glowing right now but also ur like “did u really just say that”
and u see him get kinda embarrased and ur like woW IS PARK JINWOO THE GOLDEN BOY OF THE SCHOOL ACTUALLY BLUSHING RIGHT NOW??
he’s not really use to rejection bc he hasn't really met a girl he would put himself out there for (but lets be real even if he had, no one would've rejected him what are u doing??)
so he just looks down at the floor and puts his hand on his neck like “ha h a, , yeah, probably shouldn’t have”
but he looks really cute all flustered and you dunno why, tho its probabbly bc ur so tired that u don't actually know if any of this is really happening, but u give him a peck on the cheek and a quick good night before u go inside to ur sweet, sweet bed
n jin jin is just standing outside of ur room, stunned bc WOW ur an angel did that really just happen to him
by the time he gets back to his floor, the partying has pretty much died down to nothing since he really killed the mood when he started pushing people into their rooms for your sake
so he just goes to his room and his roommate mj is laying in bed on his phone (super calm for a change) and jin jin all but jumps on him like “you wouLD NOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED”
and ofc mj immediately is as awake as ever dying to know what
after telling mj every detail he basically goes to bed thinking about u being cute whereas youve been knocked out for the past 20 minutes without so much as a thought about it
the next day you’re up by 7 bc u want to get some food and coffee before class so you hit up a cafe on the way to the lecture hall and order your food and sit down at one of the tables to wait
you're running on about 4 hrs of sleep right now so you're not exactly at your prime and you're leaning on your arm while scrolling through your instagram when suddenly your hair is being ruffled and you hear “morning sleepyhead!”
you look up to see jin jin smiling his goofy smile and you’re like “okay firstly, never touch my hair ever again. secondly, why on earth are u up so early, u probably went to bed like … an hour ago”
so he’s like telling u about how he’s helping out around the studio during the morning radio show today and you guys start talking about his radio show and he finds out you listen and it makes him feel all warm and happy for some reason
and you guys start talking about music and you guys have pretty much the same taste and he slips in that he’s been working on some music with his roommate and a few friends and he just gets so excited talking about it
when he can tell that you’re genuinely interested and you ask him questions about their group (which he says is called astro) you can literally see his eyes lighting up and you’re losing track of time bc this is honestly one of the nicest conversations you've had in a long time with one of the nicest boys like, ever
but then u get a notification and see the time on your phone and it’s freaking 745!!! ur already 15 min late to class and you're still like 10 min away from the hall so you grab your things and are like
“shoot im sorry i totally forgot about the time im late to my lecture”
and while you're cleaning up you just keep rambling about how you're screwed bc the class isn't recorded or anything and you don't know anyone you can get notes from and you had like 4 hours of sleep yesterday (which u remind him is his fault) and oh my goodness why is everything bad happening to you
and jin jins just sitting and sipping his coffee looking at you with most amused look on his face and you're still all flustered from being late and u go to throw ur trash away and
when ur back jin jin has ur book bag over his shoulder and his hands are in his pocket as if this is like a normal thing that u do everyday and ur just like ?? are u robbing me? give me my bag and hes like
“no, cmon i’m walking you to class”
and u don't have time to fight it and really you don't mind at all so you just head out the door toward your hall when u remember that he has to go to work and then u forget that you're totally late for class bc now you're worried for him being late for work and u try to grab ur bag from him and are like “o my goSH JINWOO ur gonna be LATE for WORK”
but he completely ignores u and just keeps on walking and ur like ARE U LISTENING and he finally turns around and is just like
“i can afford to be a little late, they wont miss me. plus i’d much rather be with you”
and ofc be freaking winks at u and ur like oh my goodness that was cute but u just roll ur eyes and are like “okay fine, but don’t get used to walking me to places”
and u suddenly remember last nights events very clearly ending with u kissing him on the cheek and u get embarrassed
and it only gets worse when he's like “why? i thought i was pretty good at it, especially after the kiss you gave me for it last night. i was getting ready to transfer majors to physical education so i could work on my stamina and walk you to even further places. it was supposed to be our tradition, walking places. man it was gonna be good”
and ur annoyed bc you've never met someone so irritating yet likable. how does that even work? i dk, but park jinwoo does
when u guys get to ur lecture hall ur suddenly not in a rush at all to go inside bc as much as u hate to admit it to urself, you’d much rather hang out with jin jin
so now ur just standing face to face and he’s looking at you smiling his angelic smile and now its ur turn to contemplate what to do before you leave
and u just wrinkle ur nose before finally deciding to give him a quick peck on the cheek again and then ur just like “maybe that can be part of the tradition”
before he can say anything you've already grabbed ur bag and run into the hall and left him smiling like an idiot
when he gets to work he's still so happy and he’s in a good mood everyday but today it’s just like, intensified all his coworkers can tell he's happier than usual and they’re just like “had a good morning jin jin?” and he's like “GREAT MORNING”
meanwhile ur sitting in class like omg did i actually just do that? also why?
and then like 20 minutes later ur like okay i like park jinwoo
after you get out of class you head back to your dorm to work on some essays for a couple of hours and you see that it’s around the time that jin jin is hosting so you tune in
and after the song that’s playing ends you hear jin jin’s voice and he’s talking about his theory on how toy story and finding nemo are connected and all u can do is roll ur eyes and laugh
but then u hear him go “you should be out of class by now, so i hope you're listening. this next songs for you sleepyhead”
u can hardly believe u just heard him say that and find u urself blushing & even more so when u realize the song that’s playing is pretty u by seventeen
right as you hear the last lines of the song “does she love me, does she love me not…” you get a text from jin jin
“pretty cool huh? i think that deserves a thank you”
to which you reply “you want me to thank you for passive aggressively dedicating songs to me?”
he eventually gets you to agree to let him take u out for dinner and you're so amazed with how comfortable you feel around him and how easily he makes u laugh
it’s just really perfect since u guys started officially dating
a lot of the songs being played during jin jins hours have suspiciously been love songs so much so that he started getting complaints and u had to force him to start playing other things
and as far as those parties that last till 3 am, lately jin jins been finding it a lot more appealing to just sit on the couch with you sharing a blanket and exchanging sleepy kisses as you listen to music
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Radiate
The radiologist that Shirayuki worked under was said to be the weirdest guy in the world.
Obi had heard all of the little mutterings and musings that had filtered down the system and into his ear with a curiosity that had been hard to ignore. They said that the man came and went as he pleased, that the board allowed him to do whatever he wished because of his genius. People who had never even seen him confirmed that he could be awkward and off-putting, never able to have a real conversation with him due to his abrasive attitude. He tended to avoid people and became a shadowed being that people couldn’t positively identify, save for glimpses and glances, kind of like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster.
Well, that just made the unspoken challenge all the more fun.
The man was definitely a little weird.
Doctor Lata Forzeno didn’t avoid people; he just considered the majority of the earth’s population lacking in its ability to provide him with stimulating conversation. If he considered someone boring, he simply walked away. There were no grey areas, only black and white. Facts were facts and beliefs were not, so either one could accept the man for his quirks, or they couldn’t. Either way, the doctor would not stick around or bother conforming to other people’s standards of normal in order to make them more comfortable. He was simply too busy living his life to be somebody that he wasn’t.
Obi liked him. He wasn’t exactly sure as to why he tolerated the eccentric and awkward radiologist sometimes, but he liked him all the same.
It might have had something to do with the fact that he didn’t give Obi a hard time over his unrequited pining that he was harboring for his roommate. The man had strange skills at dissecting people’s mannerisms and hidden feelings at just one glance, something that would normally set Obi on edge but instead fascinated him to no end. Most socially awkward people tended to read people incorrectly, their abilities in that department usually lacking while their scholarly skills soared higher than the heavens.
“My mother originally wanted me to be a psychiatrist,” he’d informed the paramedic one afternoon as he’d quickly flipped through a few X-RAY files he’d pulled up on his computer screen, not shy and willing to give away any details of his past after Obi had teased him about his gift.
“Technically I am one- have the diploma to prove it,” he’d mumbled over his shoulder while ignoring Obi’s somewhat shocked look at his casually spoken statement. “Didn’t want to spend my life listening to people’s boring problems, though. I have better things to do with my time.”
“Like study bones, doctor Forzeno?” Obi had quipped with a smile.
“Yes, actually,” doctor Forzeno said as he’d turned around in his chair, fixing the paramedic with that radioactive stare that seemed to weigh and measure people’s souls with minimal effort. “And it’s Lata. I’ve recently branched out into forensics. Care to donate your body to science to serve a greater cause?”
Most people would either laugh and consider the man’s genuine question a joke, or blink before heading for the door in a stunned stupor.
Obi had given his head a small shake as he’d hopped down from his perch upon one of the many stacks of boxed books that were slowly taking over the radiologist’s office space. He was more than used to this by now. “Nah,” he’d grunted as he’d stretched, happy to be done with his shift and eager to take Shirayuki out to lunch once she was finished with her patient. “Think I’ll keep this ‘ol bag-o-bones a bit longer.”
“Too bad,” the doctor had murmured as he’d turned back towards his computer, tall frame slouching slightly over his keyboard as his fingers landed back upon the mouse. “Cadavers are expensive and I’ve always wanted one of my own.”
Maybe it was because he was the only doctor in the entire hospital who didn’t give him shit about his caffeine addiction.
“‘M not technically a physician,” he’d mumbled around the cigarette perched in between his lips one evening, his hands delving into the pockets of his lab coat to protect them from the cool evening air out in the ambulance bay. “I mean- I am, but I don’t practice internal medicine. There are worse things than replacing your blood with coffee, anyway.”
Obi had nodded as he’d lifted the nice to-go-mug of good coffee from the physician’s lounge up to his lips. He’d made a friend when no one else had bothered and apparently, it came with its perks. “Got big weekend plans, doc?”
The radiologist had soured at the nickname, mumbling that he preferred to be called Lata, dammit. He had then scoffed, chuckling before blinking and tilting his head. “Oh…you were serious…?”
Obi had suppressed a yawn as he’d blinked away the bleariness clouding up his vision. He couldn’t afford to be tired yet- only five hours to go until freedom. “I can’t tell anymore, to be honest.”
Lata had merely blinked at him with a blank expression before shrugging a shoulder and allowing their conversation to morph into comfortable silence, something that never truly bothered Obi while the doctor found peace in it.
The man seemed to work whenever he wanted to, coming and going at his leisure but never really far from the hospital. Sure, he may have been a bit of an eccentric recluse, but he was as real as it got, no pretenses or angles. The man had no hidden agendas and it was common knowledge that one always knew where they stood with Lata Forzeno, even if what he had to say wasn’t exactly the nicest thing in the world.
“You’re a damn moron.”
Yes, that was the general consensus. Especially when one did chest compressions on a code blue non-stop, failing to switch out and putting a strain upon one’s (only recently) healed shoulder in the process.
Ah, well. He tended to do stupid shit when he was tired; everyone knew that.
Obi ran his hands down his face as he groaned, trying to will away his current state of delusional exhaustion by sheer force of will and finding himself lacking. A twenty-seven hour shift in the back of an ambulance wasn’t exactly his idea of a good time, but putting the down payment on a ring for Shirayuki certainly was.
“Could you be a bit more specific with that ruling, judge?” He winced at the pull in his sore shoulder and bit back a hiss as doctor Forzeno pushed against his chest, urging him to recline back upon the table, his hands deceptively gentle as he assisted the paramedic and ordered him to lie still.
“If I’m a judge, then what does that make you?”
Obi grinned wryly as his eyes watched the doctor adjust his own machinery with careful precision, wondering idly when the man had last done this as he sighed, “I’d like to think of myself as a knight in shining armor, riding in to the rescue and all that jazz.”
Lata scoffed and snorted as he headed for the little room that housed the controls, pausing to gauge Obi’s own amused reaction and allowing the laughter to fall from his face at the paramedic’s flat look. “Oh…you were serious…?”
The films showed only a strain, luckily, but the doctor still wanted him to take it easy for a few days. Rest and anti-inflammatories were issued, along with a weight-lifting restriction that had Obi’s shoulders sagging in defeat. Looked like it would be another few weeks until he could fix his hasty-proposal and make it right. Shirayuki deserved that much, at least.
He bemoaned his fate as Lata clapped him lightly on the shoulder with one hand after Obi had winced his way into his coat, his other hand extending out to shake his.
Obi blinked. Usually the radiologist avoided touching people if he could help it. Odd, but whatever. Obi supposed that if the man wanted a handshake, it was the least that he could do, seeing as how the doctor had offered to check him out ‘under the table’ and free of charge.
Obi blinked and frowned in question at the feeling of something rectangular being placed into his palm, the corners pricking and poking at his skin as the radiologist turned and headed for the door.
“Tell him Lata sent you,” he’d called over his shoulder as Obi’s eyes scanned the jeweler’s minimalistic and sleek modern card. “He’ll give you a good deal. He owes me one.”
“Well, isn’t that a pretty little piece of carbon,” Lata murmured appreciatively as his hand gently held Shirayuki’s, watching the diamond sparkle upon her finger in the dim light as he tilted her wrist every which way. “Looks like Shikito was able to point you in the right direction?”
Obi hummed and smiled as Lata realeased his fiancée’s hand, allowing Shirayuki to rock back on her heels in her happy excitement. She excused herself in order to show the rest of the radiology department her new engagement ring, leaving the two men alone in the space.
Obi opened his mouth to break the silence, to offer his gratitude in the matter and inquire as to how he could ever repay the doctor for all that he had done, when Lata turned back towards his computer screen and waved the paramedic off, his voice sounding almost bored as he stated that if Obi didn’t hurry, she might just change her mind and leave him.
Obi smirked and gave his head a small shake as he backed out into the hallway, poking his head in through the doorway. “Thank-you, Lata.”
“You’re welcome, Sir Obi.”
Happy holidays @vivianwisteria!
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Too Hot To Handle: Chapter Twenty Two
So I kinda wrote a different kind of fanfiction. It’s nothing as in depth as my other fics so I am going to post it here. ENJOY!!***Actor, Real Person Fanfiction, Walking Dead RPF***Featuring: Jeffrey Dean Morgan X Original Female Character, Norman Reedus and others.. (FYI this is total fiction, as in I know nothing about JDMs life or that of his real SO and son etc. Because of this, for this work of fiction, they don’t exist. Jeffrey’s been a typical actor playboy dating fellow stars etc. This is written for sick daydreaming pleasure.)
Aria St. James is a busy woman with a thriving restaurant. She thought she had everything she needed until a few famous faces visit her dining room. A tall, dark and handsome actor decides Aria’s just what he’s been looking for.
Rating: Mature : NSFW **dirty dirty**
Aria stood inside the department store dressing room trying on a few dresses for Megan's party. The slinky black dress was gorgeous but way too sexy for the engagement party. She could see Jeffrey enjoying it though, so she set it aside to buy for a different occasion. She found a blue satin dress with pretty black lace edges, that hugged all her curves and wasn't too revealing for a party at Megan's high strung mother's home. Taking a picture of herself in it, she sent it to Megan with a question mark.
"Looks hot!" Her friend replied as well as a bunch of flame emojis. "Jeff will total propose to you when you wear it."
"Fuck off." Aria texted back, a smirk curling her lips and a flutter filling her chest. She wouldn't admit it but the idea of Jeffrey proposing to her was exciting. Aria wanted him to, even though they'd only been together half a year. Maybe she was getting soft but the idea of calling him, her husband, stoked a fire in her guts. She wanted it, she wanted him and she wanted him to claim her.
“Don't lie. You want him too just as bad as I do.” ~Megan
“You're way to invested in this supposed proposal.” ~Aria
“No such thing and we both know you're just as excited as I am.” ~Megan
“Fine. Okay. The idea is… nice.” Aria hit send but scoffed at her wording. It wasn't nice, it was fucking awesome.
“Nice? Jesus, we need to get you a thesaurus. Try fucking amazeballs on for size.” ~Megan
“I don't think that's a real word.” ~Aria
“Shut your mouth and buy the goddamn dress. Make sure you have something sexy for underneath because after you say yes, that fuckhot man is going to take you hard and fast. I just know it.” ~Megan
“Jesus. Stop thinking about my boyfriend like that.” ~Aria
“Are fucking kidding me? I've been thinking about your boyfriend like that ever since Grey’s and I'm not stopping now!” ~Megan
“Ugh fine but I don't wanna hear about it.” ~Ari
“Fine.” ~Megan
“Fine.” ~Aria
“:-P” ~Megan
“:-P” ~Aria
Aria arrived at the restaurant after dealing with the bank deposit and found a few photographers hanging around. Sighing deeply, she checked her reflection in the mirror before exiting the car. She kept her sunglasses down and she approached them with a smile.
"Hi guys." Aria greeted, smiling despite the desire to tell them all to get a life. She just didn't understand the draw of photographs of her walking across a parking lot.
"Aria, where's Jeffrey this morning?"
Laughing lightly, she replied, "Probably sleeping in!"
"Aria what's your reaction to all the chatter between fans. There are some who dislike your relationship with Jeffrey."
"To each their own. Me and Jeff are happy and that's all that matters to us."
"How did you react when they called you the Yoko of the Walking Dead?"
Snorting, Aria smiled and replied, "I thought it was clever. Look guys, we're just normal people living our lives together. Jeff and I love each other, what the internet thinks of us doesn't really matter. Now I've got a lot to do, so thanks for coming out."
Sliding into the door before locking it behind her, Aria huffed out a irritated breath and strode to her office.
"Fucking Yoko of the Walking Dead." She scoffed angrily. "Bunch of little jealous bitches."
"I'm sorry." Cheryl exclaimed before clapping her hand over her mouth as though trying to stop the words but too late.
"What happened?"
"There's these girls at table fifteen and they were talking shit about you."
"About me? They didn't like their meals?"
"No! About you and you being with Jeff."
"Oh." Aria mumbled before asking slowly, "What did you do?"
Cheryl shook her head as though refusing to say.
"Cheryl how bad am I going to have to grovel?"
"I told them to stick their opinions up their fat, skank asses." She confessed quickly before biting her lip painfully.
Aria tilted her face to the ceiling and asked the dark metal surface why life hated her so much. Taking in a slow deep breath she started rattling off her to-do's.
"Okay so I need to give Jeff a heads up because I'm sure this is all over Twitter or some other fucking popular bullshit site, he'll probably call his publicist who will hate my guts because I'm some no name asshole causing Jeff trouble, when he should date some starlet who knows how to be famous. Meanwhile I need to go apologize to these customers for... I don't know, being alive, while swallowing my pride and soul, one tiny piece at a time, like broken glass dipped in alcohol."
When she was done, Aria found that everything in the kitchen had stopped. Looking around at them she realized she had spoken every word out loud. Blinking a few times she felt a weight lift as she decided what she was going to do.
"I'm not going to do this anymore." She announced. "I'm done doing this."
"What? Ari no!" Cheryl exclaimed.
"No really its over. I'm done being this person."
"Fuck, Ari don't do it. You can't break up with Jeff. He's amazing!" Javier urged, his eyes wide as she stared back blankly.
"Break up with Jeff? What the fuck? No! No..." she scoffed shaking her while taking her apron off and unbuttoning her chef coat. "No. I'm done playing this game."
"What're you gonna do?"
"I don't know yet but I'm going out there and we'll see what comes out of my mouth but I'm not apologizing for being in love with a man who loves me back. What we have is fucking real and what everyone else thinks doesn't matter but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. So that stops now. I'm done feeling hurt."
Swallowing thickly, she combed her hair with her fingers and asked Cheryl, "Gloss?"
The blonde handed it over instantly, the woman's eyes filled with regret.
"It's okay, Cher. I'm not mad. I'm... I don't know. It was rude of you to say that but I understand.. thanks for sticking up for me."
Without waiting for a reply, Aria strode out onto the floor. She found the table near the center of the dining room and realized that whatever was about to happen, would be in front of every other customer in the restaurant.
"Fuck." She muttered under her breath.
Coming to a stop at the table, she smiled politely and greeted them, "Hello ladies. I heard there was an... unfortunate incident."
"Your waitress is a bitch." A girl snapped, her eyes narrowed and lips smirked. "I mean, I guess it makes sense. She works for you."
Aria clenched her jaw but kept a smile on her lips. She gestured to a chair at the next table and asked the other patron nicely, "Would you mind terribly if I used this chair, sir?"
"No, of course not." The older gentleman replied, "and I have to tell you, this is the best pasta I've had since our honeymoon in Italy."
Smiling widely, Aria replied, "Thank you very much. I actually backpacked through Italy. I learned that technique, the curl, from a skinny little Italian who had to be in his nineties. Francis Francisco, if you can believe it."
The man chuckled and patted his wife's hand. "Well thank you. It took us back."
"You're welcome. Thanks for coming in." She answered before pulling the chair over to the table of young women.
"So, look. I appreciate that you're fans of Jeff's. Believe me, I understand it. He's an amazing actor, a great person, nicest man I've ever known. And I mean look at him." She trailed off with a chuckle and a genuine smile. "I get it and I appreciate the enthusiasm. Back in the day I loved Christian Slater, no joke. I wanted to marry him and have his babies. I was obsessed with him, knew everything, anyone could know."
Looking over the women watching her with narrowed eyes, "I think what gets lost is that stars are all real people. I mean they're on your tvs, your laptops, your cellphones. You can pay money to meet them, talk to them, take photos with them. Famous people are so available to be fawned over that it starts to feel like you know them. You know how they feel, what they think, what they like and that's all well and good but they're real people. They've got families, friends, spouses."
The women shifted in their seat, the ring leader looking less moved by the words but still regretful.
"I get by having them so ingrained in your lives you become protective and invested in what they do and who they see but I mean this world is filled with such tragedies and hardships. We've all been through shit, so why would you ever wanna stop two people from being happy together? I mean it's pretty rare and me and Jeff are just two people who were lucky enough to find each other."
"I get that you don't like me." Shrugging her shoulders Aria looked them over and said, "But I'm no better or worse than any of you. I'm a high school drop out from a trailer park in nowhere, Nevada who worked her way up by tooth and nail. I spent my teens up into my twenties pretty much homeless, washing dishes and mopping floors to feed myself while sleeping on park benches and under bridges. Everything I have today, I've worked myself to the bone for but I'm just a person like any of you."
She looked them over seeing chewed lips and wide eyes. Aria was beginning to understand that they were expecting something completely different, a confrontation rather than a peaceful discussion. "All I'm asking is that you give us the respect and privacy that you feel you deserve. Now, I apologize for what your waitress said. It was inappropriate and she'll be reprimanded for it. I don't take customer complaints lightly. So dinner is on the house this evening and you're welcome back anytime."
Smiling at them, she stood up and without waiting for a reply, returned the chair to the table behind her, giving the man a nod. "You two have a good evening. Get the tiramisu, another recipe from Francis. You'll love it."
Jeffrey had just sat down to get changed out of his Neganware after a photo shoot, when his phone blew up. He had text messages and notifications popping up while it rang. Seeing his publicist calling, Jeffrey answered but before he could get a word out she said, "We've got another situation."
"What now?"
"Your girl went rogue."
Chuckling, he asked, "what'd she do? She didn't hit anyone did she?"
"No but she confronted a table full of fans."
"Shit." He sat forward, pressing his elbows into his knees. "What happened? Is she okay?"
"Apparently there was a confrontation between the fans and one of her waitresses. It's all over Twitter and Tumblr. Aria then came out and sat with them. There's a video. Truthfully... I don't know if I could've done it better."
Jeffrey smirked and asked, "What'd she say?"
"You should just watch it. I'm sure someone's sent it to you. You're girl is very well spoken Jeffrey. I'm I'mpressed.”
"Alright. I'll call you back."
Thumbing through the countless messages, Jeffrey found the link to the posted video. He watched as someone set their phone up to record the conversation, they'd obviously planned whatever was about to happen. He smirked as he watched Aria walk up with a friendly smile that did reach her eyes.
He listened to her speak to the older man behind them, soaking up the little tidbits she'd share about her life when it came to food. She was an open person but would only talk about her past when asked. They'd shared many nights talking over the phone or on the laptop, both finding out about each other slowly. He knew the broad strokes of her life but there was still the nitty gritty that one only learned over time.
When she began speaking to the girls, he leaned forward and watched carefully.
"They've got families, friends, spouses." She spoke, the words ringing in his ears. Chewing his lip, he watched her continue and learned more about her youth than he'd known before. It surprised him but explained the strength and perseverance he loved about her. The reasons he wanted to marry her.
Swallowing thickly, he sunk back into the sofa and watched as she walked away. 'Well fuck,' he thought, rubbing his mouth and jaw in thought.
Closing the video, Jeffrey called Aria and tried to steady his mind and calm his voice. He wasn't sure how she was going to take the revelation that she had been filmed and it was all over the internet already.
"I'm sorry." She greeted him with. "I fucked up and I understand if you hate me."
"You done?" He asked gruffly, a smile tugging at his lips. "You know what they say about people who assume things right?"
"Jeff, come on. Not only did I go out and make a scene, I didn't notice them fucking filming it? God I'm such a dumbass."
"Sweetheart, you're a lovely, well spoken woman, who not only confronted a bunch of bullies but did it with class." He drawled, cocking his head to the side as he replayed her words in his mind. "I'm a lucky fucking man to have such an amazing woman in my life."
Jeffrey could hear her breath hitch and the sound of her sitting down heavily. He listened to the kitchen noise in the background, his own breath stilling as he waited for her to speak.
"So you're not mad?"
"No darlin’. I'm deeply and utterly in love with you."
"Jeff." She gasped.
"It's true. Watching you speak... it's just clarified what I feel for you. I can't see my life without you, Aria."
"I love you too." She murmured, her voice turning soft and sweet. Jeffrey leaned forward and offered, "I say we go to Megan's engagement party and afterwards we take a vacation. I have a friend with an awesome beach home. Me and you and empty sands."
"That sounds amazing. I'll start working on clearing my schedule." She spoke with a sigh, relief obvious in her tone. "How long?"
"I want to say forever but probably a four or five days if you can."
"Oh I'll make it happen." She laughed.
Jeffrey could picture her smile and twinkling eyes. When his dick twitched at the thought of her in a bikini, he offered, "I'm really good at applying suntan lotion so feel free to wear as tiny of a bikini as you can find."
Snorting, Aria replied, "Bikini? Who said anything about a bikini?"
Find Chapter Twenty Three Here:
http://jesbakescookies.tumblr.com/post/163545324206/too-hot-to-handle-chapter-twenty-three
I started posting this fic over on AO3 also. I will probably post in both places since I’m still figuring out AO3 formatting etc.
Let me know if you’d like to be tagged for updates. I’ll try my best to remember!
@magikat409 @cadeviolet @aforrester77422 @bethcarli @thamberlina @star017 @bec-brained-blarg @blackmother77 @lascitateognesperanza @adriannawiggins @jdm-negan-mcnaughty @negans-network @negansmutweek @cltex84 @audreychaz @wolfhart18 @ruggedasfuck @warriorqueen1991 @yellatthetopofyourlungs @hotfornegan @jml509 @ladyynegan @ibelongtonegan @uhh-dope @brandi-sykestw @negandarylsatisfaction @londoncapsule @jeffreynegan @morganstopbeinghotkthx @sicksadtired @wolfgirl1074 @sophisti-kate-ed @jdmsgal @sasquaatch68 @spideygeek @arkhamasylumpatient-blog1 @cupcake5365 @jackythemoo @soft-spokenangel @beegnc @mandilion76 @prettyepiic @beautifuldizasterfics @kitcat44 @mayuketchupytostones @ibelongtonegan @azanoni @alyisdead @mwesterfeld1985 @helena-mrs-murder @lovexxxkittyxxxblog @nu1freakshow @jenn0755 @skylouise12
#Jeffrey Dean Morgan#jeffrey dean morgan x oc#jdm#JDM x OC#jdmorgan#negan#negans thirst squad#negans-network#negan x oc#too hot to handle#jesbakescookies#fanfiction#fanfic#AU fanfiction#real person fanfiction#Actor rpf#rpf#smut#fluff#fangirls
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2 penguins 2 u
You found me. Now, I understand that for both of us we probably didn’t think we needed, or wanted a relationship. I know I couldn’t tell if I was ready. I honestly think you still debate this. I know i am a lot too handle. I know you think I am not over this said ex. But its not him I spend my days thinking about. I know i talk a lot about people from my past, but its something i have always done. I am not good and realizing once people are gone they are gone. But also every relationship big or small, friendship or romantic have great stories to tell. To show. THAT is the only reason I talk about people, i once cared about. It is because i feel that the world shouldnt see them as bad people even if they've done bad things. i have done bad things. I never did them on purpose as some others do. But I learned from my mistakes. I continue to learn everyday. You came around, 8 months later, after 8 months of waiting, wishing, hoping that I would see this person, and just know that in one way or another they were meant to be something. I think that honestly, yeah we took it faster than any relationship I have ever had. I think that I also have never been so comfortable with someone. that certain moments i forget what the world makes me so scared of. I'm scared of losing you even though its going to happen at some point. I understand that if you truly do not love me, that, that is okay with me. that if they doesn’t seem to be something you want, i never want you afraid to leave. Yes, this seems so fucking negative. I know you think a lot of this is going to have attitude. This is me, gracefully saying, that I love you, and it is okay if you do not love me. But I'm not ruling it out that you do. See we don't talk much about our feelings... and normally I can write such graceful words... but when I go to write about you... I cant focus on one said thing I like or cherish about you. I get distracted by all that you are. I need you to understand, I talk about past things simply because, I am scared. I don’t know if you have ever been cheated on. I have been cheated on by the three most “impacting” relationships I've I have learned from each, but it makes trust issues. With that said. My trust issues are not with YOU. I trust you. I do not trust the universe. I have been dealt with too many shit people in my life, to 100% think i can trust this universe. I've seen the unhappiness and the unfair it's given you. I think you deserve the world. I wish I could give it to you. However they did give me you. I need you to realize, that when you don’t tell me what I did wrong, I panic. You should be able to tell me, without getting into an argument, I understand you were “raised this way: however at this point in your life, you need to open yourself to the possibility that someone will be your best friend, you will love and fall for certain people, you will be disappointed. You have those rights, you should be feeling these things. I also know that you do feel theses things. I know that you feel insecure, for why I understand I don’t know. You light up every room you walk into, whether it is your worst or best days. You care, and I know you hate to admit it. I know you're terrified of losing your family, even though you say that they irritate you. I know they cause you more stress than any other thing or person. But it's family and as much as you want to escape I think you're fearful of losing them. I know you and your brother are two very different people but I know he means well and so do you. I know you love them all , and you stress for and with them, and in the end it will be okay.I need you to know i am so proud of you. I am so proud you are in my life, whether its for a long time or a short time.
The only person i want is you. now i guarantee that i will piss you off more than anything sometimes. that you'll ask why you try or put in the effort when i am negative . i also will guarantee my loyalty, my faith in you as a good person. You think about yourself in such a negative way. If you were that person, i wouldn’t love or care the way I do. I wouldn’t try and reach out and be there. I wouldn’t think of you throughout the day. I wouldn’t try and figure out whats wrong. you either need to please start believing that yes i am a lot right now, but i still try to support and give you love as much as possible. but i get better throughout time, I am growing, and as i do that you do too, whether we fall apart or fall together... that my love is your decision. i hope that we make it, i hope we grow together, but i do ask you stop closing yourself off so much, stop shutting down. I am here for you. I care about you. If you need to yell, love, laugh, smile, cry, talk. Whether we are together or not. I am here. please let me be there for you.
I understand a lot of this seems like I'm being mean and ranting more about what's wrong but it's not. It's a reasoning to my madness.
There is a reason that I appreciate the way you care and love for people. Even though you don't admit it.
There is this hope I know you have, and I know you say you have no effort but I think it's because you feel stuck.
You aren't stuck.
I think that you can accomplish so much, and I've seen you. You're smart. You're wise and you have an old soul.
I see the way you look at him and love him so much.
I love the way you enjoy the "stupid" comedies and now I enjoy them too.
I love that you...
Have the nicest eyes... you wouldn't think someone who has cool eyes... would be warm like a blanket.
I always hated anything other than brown and and now I love yours.
I enjoy the way you laugh, and are goofy.
How you sing in the car.
I love that on my worst days... you make me smile.
I love the way when we sleep next to each other until the morning comes you hold me in your arms.
I love the way you snore.
It's not loud but soft but cute.
I enjoy every moment we spend together.
I love the you are so sweet around my family, like you genuinely enjoy being there.
I like that you support my stupidness but correct me when I'm wrong.
I think you're adorable and your smile makes me warm and gives me butterflies.
I like that I can think about a future but not to far in advanced.
You keep me grounded and safe.
You make me feel at home and peaceful.
Here is no way to describe how I feel about you. But I care about you.
I honestly can't write much about you because I don't know heo to put it in words.
But I care and I cherish you and I really wish you could see or understand that. I know we don't talk about it. But I know maybe one day we will.
I want to make you happy and I don't know how.
But I'll try my best to help you succeed.
-all I really have for now.
I want to make the world easier for you the way you have for me.
I want to show you all you can do and how much you are capable of loving someone.
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@demolitiongirl @demolitiongirl
Don’t worry because this isn’t a hateful rant, it is a rant but this is just in response to the recent things you decided to open up and talk about to complete strangers.
With this slim opportunity I mainly just want to apologize for all the things I’ve done that hurt you in the past that I can’t take back and all the things that I want to pay back but honestly I'm not sure if I’ll ever be able to.
I'm apologizing for being a piece of a shit, because I was back then.
I was young and fucked up and didn’t know what I was doing or who I was, you can talk about me all you like and block me and tell other people to avoid me on the internet all you like, I don’t care. That’s your choice, I’m not going to try and defend myself when it comes to our relationship because there’s no point. My life has changed in so many ways that it doesn’t even matter.
What happened, happened. I hung out with the wrong person and he kissed me without my consent. I sure as hell did not have any kind of sex with him, whether you believe me or not. We still would have had the same fights over and over and we would have broken up no matter what, Liz.
You seem to have an unresolved issue with a 17-year-old teenager who’s long gone and somehow still spoiling your life despite having absolutely nothing to do with you or your life anymore in any way (like I literally don’t even rp anymore so I don’t understand how this is even a topic in your existence still) Be angry, be upset, be bitter, be whatever. Call me out for the relationship that didn’t work, let everyone know it’s my fault because it is. But is that really making your life better? You were one of the sweetest nicest smartest coolest people I ever met and in all truth, I fucked it up 100% there is no arguing that. At the time I didn’t really think about it, what would happen, how it would really affect anything or the way things would turn out. I can’t recall the majority of what happened between us anymore, but I’m sorry for all of it.
I’m sorry that you essentially (I’m sure you agree) wasted that part of your life on me. That had never been my intention but I can’t change the past.
I’m sorry that I hurt you and I just wanted to say that now since you called me out (I think is what you said or called it? I don’t even know anymore, whatever honestly this has taken enough of my time) and I had the opportunity kind of to tell you, I am sorry Liz. Truly. For both the loss of friendship and relationship, for all the things I unfairly put you through and all the times I wasn’t there and more.
I really, really, really do hope you have a splendid well deserved happy life.
From now on feel free to tag me and talk shit about me as much as you like, this entire part of my life is dead. That person doesn’t even exist anymore, honestly I came onto tumblr for the first time in a year or longer and the only thing that is on my blog is some random person who ended up being you ‘calling me out’ and a bunch of people who have absolutely no idea who I am or what the real truth is in regards to me, talking about me. That’s amazing, honestly.
All this time I’ve been sending my thoughts of apology, and just kindness towards you, hoping good things come your way (knowing that gesture was in no way reciprocated) and hopefully, good things do happen to you but I’m not going to waste my energy on you anymore. As it appears to all of been for not. Enjoy telling people the dark parts of the illness that made me into a terrible person that hurt you when I was young, the few select parts you choose to remember and talk about. You can be as angry, bitter and rude about it as much as you want, but at the end of the day all I did was try and figure myself out and put an end to the horrific way I was treating you and all you can apparently do is post bitter things to bitter people.
I just wanted to write this all out since your choice was talking about me instead of to me. Since I never really got a chance to address our falling out after it happened, so I suppose I’m using this now as a small form in doing that whether you read it or not. Honestly, I will probably never see your response or know if you even read this. It doesn’t matter, but I hope that you enjoy moving forward in your life as much as I do, but if you do/did take the time to read this and perhaps take back what I am trying to say here, I thank you.
I genuinely truthfully hope you enjoy your life and live it happily with people you love and who love you, doing whatever you need to be happy. You deserve that. I’m sorry I hurt you, again, I’m sorry I was a terrible person when I was younger and didn’t know how to treat you properly. I didn’t know a lot of things.
For clarification, my name is CJ, I am a girl.
I used to play sadisticlangdon, as well as the characters on this blog and its original, I don’t roleplay anymore and honestly, I don’t want to with this community. I have been represented as both male and female on here and responded to being called by both, at that time I identified as both and was struggling to understand myself and the world. If you want to believe I did it to be popular, go ahead, because strangers over the internet definitely know me and who I am better than myself, right?
I was a deeply violent depressive teenager who desperately ached for attention that ended up tormenting the few people around me. While trying to figure out who I was and what I was doing with life. I fought with strangers over the internet because they had a problem with you and the way you played your character and people think they know me for it now. I did a lot of stupid things when I was a teenager, not a lot of them were good. I loved you and I hurt you, so can I really call it love? I’m sorry my confusion and personal problems plagued your life so deeply. If I could take it all back, believe me, I would.
I have lost friends, family, I have escaped from a massive wildfire that took my entire life and home and had the only thing that matters in my life die. So I’m literally talking about a ghost of myself to get this all written out because my life has moved on in light years, beyond this. This small fraction of the past in absolutely no way has anything to do with my life anymore. So if this is still a big problem for you in your life, I apologize but the world is a lot harder than holding onto something that happened years ago. Everyone processes differently and if you’re still working through it, good on you and do whatever you require to move on and live your own peaceful life.
Talk about the teenager who doesn’t even exist and you people don’t even know if it makes you feel better. Expressing your negative feelings about it is at least better than holding it in and boiling over it for years. In the end, none of this will make a difference. I’m only writing this as a final attempt of apology and a final goodbye that we can both amicably accept and perhaps gain some peace of mind from.
Do whatever you need to do to move on in life and be happy, I will be doing the same. I hope that you can accept my apology as I am not going to be trying to apologize again after this and I am not going to be waiting around for a response, I have other things to be doing, I hope you do as well. You can re-post this and start a bandwagon of hate on me or whatever, I don’t care. Do whatever it is that you need to do to make yourself feel better.
At the end of the day, it won't make a big difference in either of our lives, you will believe what you want to believe, you will feel what you want to feel. Nothing I could possibly say, write, do, or try to show you, would ever change the way you see things. It's your life, your perspective, take it however you will. Everything will stay the same, apart and for the most part, forgotten. It’s made my conscious clearer to of at least taken the chance to express my regret and my apology to you finally once and for all, no matter the outcome. All I wish upon you are good things, I hope that this doesn’t make you hate me more, but if it does, it does, I don’t expect it to make you hate me less and I’ve accepted that this is the closest to actual closure I/we might ever get with each other, openly and now that I’ve said what I’ve said, I am going to return to my absence from this community and website again now, have a nice day.
Goodbye for forever and take care.
-CJ
P.S To all the people who apparently have/had a problem with me and can definitely talk about it when I’m not around but not to me. Believe me, when I say, nothing makes me happier than you literally not existing in my life, you people start and make so much unnecessary drama through the fucking computer it’s as amazing as not being apart of all the pent up bullshit. Despite that (as I know not all rp’ers and people are like that) I hope you all get the things in life you need to be happy and deserve, continue with your passions and I hope you live a full eventful life, everyone.
#demolitiongirl#ooc#technically#um#rant#just to let you guys know#some serious past personal life shit came up out of the blue and i kinda had to respond#its awkward as fuck#but yeah there it is#sorry for to anyone who has this end up on their dash jfc#have happy fulfilling lives full of people who love you peoples#bye bye for forever because i am done with tumblr#be safe peoples#um yeah ill just leave this here i guess#bye?#do not bother replying or messaging me as i will not be here#obviously
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FINAL EPISODE: “DENNIS IS SUCH A KING” - ALI
THE REST OF THE GAME.
WEEK 13
if someone who doesn't love me wins this week then bye bye ashvika
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annoyed that sammy nominated me because i kept him safe last week whereas i could have just as easily flipped to keeping alivia and he could've left...but more than that, i'm annoyed at his speech. i dont think he should've used "you nommed me" as an excuse bc that's lame and he was the first to nom me and i nommed him back so we were even, and then i let him have veto pick when he was nommed and i made sure he got taken off. also conversation is a two way street and i dont see him trying to make a conversation with me either, he could have just said the real reason....i love hearing about how good of a player he thinks i am.... the worst case scenario is if bryce or zeezo win, i think even if the noms stay the same that i have a good chance of staying? granted that autumn and ali don't decide to turn on me and evict me
why is bryce spreading lies :( i didn't tell ali to nominate sammy....
ive made a lot of mistakes this game and there all coming at me now.. my position in the game is terrible and i can blame it on ppl playing not to their win condition or on just the wrong ppl winning comps at the wrong time, but ultimately i could have tried harder convincing ppl to see the light or to do better in challenges so ultimately its on me. feeling really hopeless this week even tho i avoided being a preveto nom i think ill be a post one if literally anyone but me wins veto. and i flopped veto (cwl). i cant wait for after the game for ali to admit that he did tell me that ashvika pushed for sammy to be nommed. order in which id vote ppl
zeezo- always worked with me and if she makes it to the end she truly DID THAT
ashvika- really took control of the game with her hoh win and after jose left smartly picked up the goats and became the biggest threat
randy- a king love us working with/against each other throughout the game and even tho he was voted out im not one to discredit buyback winners
autumn- never spoke to me but guess she didnt need to KASDHFK
ali- fakest person ive ever met
dennis- knows how to get to f2 at least
sammy- ignores obvious facts and always makes the wrong move but good at comps so wooh (me teas too tho...)
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somehow i didnt get nommed but like so sad what the heck zeezo is going home like why is everyone so jealous that shes prettier and funnier than them :( why cant we all be her goats <3 i guess its good bc like i cant win with zeezo in the game and i can vote to keep her still, but honestly if i lose in f2 with zeezo itd still be fun bc she has had my back all game :] I AM SO SAD UGHHHH GOD HATES GAYS AND HES TAKING MY TWO WOC QUEENS BACK TO BACK. Now i have ashvika who is a queen but not my queen!! And autumn yikes hates me always :(
SORRY IVE BEEN GONE!!! I did one video confessional for Week 11 and just like never posted it lmao but I will haha and that's all behind me. But anyway I just have so many feelings. Live night is about to begin, me and Zeezo's war is finally concluding, IM STILL TRYING TO GET MY FIRST COMP WIN, and I'm trying to protect my allies at all cost. Some cracked shit is about to go down and I'm so excited and so so glad I took a nap before this cause I'm ready for anything wooo
RANDY: WIN
SAMMY: ...
ALI: FAKEST PERSON IVE EVER MET MAYBE TALKS A BIG GAME AND SAYS HES SUPER NICE AND EMOTIONAL BUT SUDDENLY CAN TURN THAT OFF. HE WOULD BE A GOOD VILLAIN BUT HE ACTS NICE AND DOESNT OWN IT AND MAYBE ITS JUST BC ITS SO SOON BUT I HOPE HE CHOKES AND HAS HAYFEVER FOREVER! WHAT EVEN IS HAYFEVER??? HORSE BOY
AUTUMN: NEVER SPOKE TO ME BUT NICE
DENNIS: FORGOT TO PUT SOMEONE ON THE LIST, KNEW HIS WAY TO F2 AND IF HE DOESNT TAKE CREDIT FOR THINGS ICON AND ID VOTE FOR HIM.
AFTER THE TRIPLE EVICTION...
OK BUT DAT TRIPLE DOE
http://media2.giphy.com/media/xUA7aViRhBQPzXNAAM/giphy.gif
It was dramatic, over the top, emotional, satisfying, show stopping, gut wrenching- literally everything you want out of a triple. I... don't feel bad for Breezo lmao, not after all the messiness they've caused. But doing Ashvika dirty is literally the hardest choice I've had to make in Orre. Sis I am so so sorry. I should've thrown you a vote but you know how Randy is and you really know how Dennis is. I just--- that was something I like wasn't prepared to ever do, break Ashvika's heart. But like in my beautiful dark twisted mind? It was perfect because I knew I couldn't go to the end w/ Ash but I was never going to nominate her. So here we are rip
ALSO LAB AND BREEZO ALL SITTING IN JURY??? BIIIIIIITTTCCHHHHH
https://media.giphy.com/media/zcAii7T9JXezS/source.gif
If you're reading this, you know I sure did say I would wipe that whole group out and send them to jury and it really did come to pass. John sure did gas all of them up to win and I sure did tell him in my Week 10 goodbye message that they were all bout to walk in behind him. So in the spirit of prophesizing, let it be known that Auli aka Ali and I will make Final 3 because we are the strategic dynamic duo y'all slept on. Like correct me if I'm wrong: we've been on the right side of all 8 "merge" votes (there's no word for like opposite of pre-jury lmao), we ain't been on block since Week 6/7 and it's now Week 14, and we've downplayed our iconicism left and right so we're the last duo standing at Final 5, and no one wants to take a shot at us. BUT YALL STILL SLEEP CAUSE THE MIST IS THAT STRONG. That's ok though! When Randy and Sammy walk into jury next y'all will see
Also I'm dead at how much jury hates Ali hahaha. Deadass he has to stay in the game for safety reasons. Like soooo many jurors wanna kill him. That's my ride or die though so I can't let that happen. Anyway I still feel like shit for obeying Randy, which hurt Ashvika, made Dennis cry, and further dragged Ali's corpse. But the good news is woooo it's Final 5 and these boys all want to take Auli to the end. So do I NEED to win this HOH? No not really. Am I still praying and pleading with God like I do before every comp? Absolutely
https://media1.tenor.com/images/1a11748f0c7ce30ab4afd057fab66751/tenor.gif?itemid=5677211
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Me when I shocked the nation and won HOH and finally had power in the house after 13 weeks
https://78.media.tumblr.com/2a8c6d7cc298da364a847f8f9d767c7c/tumblr_opiih6Z7tB1ub3fcfo1_500.gif
Me then using said power to target my baby Randy for the greater good
https://media.giphy.com/media/hic9t15zsdwfC/giphy.gif
And now me that I'm selling my entire family, land, soul, and wig collection to get Dennis to keep me and kill Sammy so that I'm not Ika Wonged because I know for a fact Ali would take me to F2 and Dennis would be a dumbass not to take me too. AND I ALWAYS BELIEVED IF I WENT UP A FOURTH TIME THAT WOULD BE THE TIME I GO UP ON THE BLOCK AND DONT COME BACK DOWN SO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DENNIS BE STRATEGIC AND KEEP ME
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/23/53/9d/23539d4ab6c13adab50940426d73ed6e.gif
[AFTER F4 EVICTION]
WAIT WHAT HOW AM I ALIVE??
https://media.giphy.com/media/TZ388aYpsLMcM/giphy.gif
AND HOW THE FUCK DID I MAKE FINAL 3???
https://yiaelxzosjw9p4bs-zippykid.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/happy-crying.gif
Pray for me if I win Final HOH cause fun fact: I, the strategic legend, have no clue who to fucking take to the end and that's the biggest gag of the entire season BECAUSE I DIDN'T PLAN OUT THIS FAR GODDAMMIT AND I WISH I HAD. Ok that's not entirely true- I knew I should either sit next to Dennis or Ali because ya know contingency plans matter. BUT NOW??? Bitch ion know I just wanna win
CLICK HERE & HERE TO SEE DENNIS’ VIDEO DIARY ROOMS!
i've never seen a better reflection of the emotional rollercoaster that is my mental state than these two being filmed less than 12 hours apart jasldfa
CLICK HERE AND HERE TO SEE ALI’S VIDEO DIARY ROOMS!
okay i have lots of post finale thoughts but i need to type them up tomorrow. i just hope the jury knows how sorry I am if I ever upset them, because I love them all so much and would never want that :(
time for my post finale wrap up and.... whewie. This is so upsetting because, I just did this for all stars. Like it's looking like my track record is LITERALLY going to be 2nd 9th 2nd 2nd 2nd, I CANT COME 2ND AGAIN. I really can't take this.
Here is the bigger problem though and this is why Orre will be my last game whether I win or not. I can't keep playing these games when I upset so many people. Like it honestly broke my heart yesterday hearing how much I upset people like Bryce & Ashvika, people I love SOOOOOOO much. I don't want to upset people.
Like... what upset me about finale is I don't think the jurors realise that.... I didn't just upset people for the sake of it and ahhh. Honestly, I'm really upset, like not even that I'm coming second but that I upset people.
So with that said, I really apologise to the jurors. I got the impression that I hurt you all so bad that you are giving me 2nd as like.... punishment? And while I hate that, if I hurt you all that bad I really owe you all an apology.
Anywho, since this is definitely my last game, I've played 183 days worth of games to just come 2nd, and that's just too much. I'm too flawed of a person and player to continue playing these games and just keep coming 2nd. Like it just hurts.
so yeah, i'm sad but mainly because this is deja vu. I'm so proud of Dennis for winning, he is such a sweet genuine guy and when he was complimenting me during the finale, it was the nicest thing I've ever heard and I'm so greatful. No matter my game or his, I'd be happy to see Dennis represent our season.
Can I just say... Dennis is such a king. What a kind-hearted, genuine guy. A true king.
CLICK HERE TO WATCH DENNIS’ VIDEO DIARY ROOM!
okay so I lost.... and I'm weirdly at peace with it. I know I answered the jury questions terribly and I had... some jurors that would never have it in them to vote for me and would actively campaign against me.
Dennis is a king, and in a cast with toxicity and SUCH bitterness, I think he is a phenomenal representation for the season. Otherwise, I am really honoured to get Ashvika's vote, she is such a deserving POTS, and to get POTS' vote is always an honour. Autumn and Jose are amazing friends and I am so happy to have got to work with them, John is a player with SUCH potential and he is WINNING BOTS & Zeezo I'm really honoured to get her vote too!
For the others, Bryce is a KING and so is Blake (they both seemed really upset by me so I hope we can be friends). Lynn I never spoke to and seems... very bitter about the season's result, but I hope she gets over it because she is also a QUEEN. Randy is a funny one and I'm starting to worry all his friend talk was just him playing into my emotional side, but he is a good egg really I know it. Sammy is a ghost king.
I kinda want to end on Alivia. Alivia is a person whose personality is obviously very different to mine and the way she speaks to me and others really upsets me a lot of the time. However, her bitterness against me is understandable and I hope she gets over it, because she defines herself by anger and bitterness when she is such a funny and likable person and doesn't need to do that.
but woo... to wrap stuff up, I'm so grateful for Nicholas & Julia for casting me, Owen & Emily for being amazing....
OH, I forgot what I wanted to say. Autumn is a queen, a legend and amazing. She is honestly soo soo amazing, like... someone I really admire and see as a rolemodel? she is inspirational, a queen and a legend. Dennis is the nicest, most well intentioned guy ever SO sweet and really just a genuinely nice guy. I have made lasting friendships with some members of this cast and I'm so happy.
so yeah.... i'll probably do another one of these in like a day or so, but if not.... ali out woo
we love coming to jury and being told about my ""showmance""".... wanna die jadfkl. my only showmance was to snakery, my way of life. blake was robbed but also is a broccoli.
last words? autumn and dennis are my faves, best F3 ever.
FINAL CAST ASSESSMENT
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Yo,yo,yo, tell us some of your fave musicians/bands? : o
Oh my gosh, of course I’d love to talk about that!!!!!!!
I’m gonna preface first & foremost by saying that I AM a music major & have been exposed to all kinds of music, so you’re probably gonna get a LOT of answers from me!! I’m also gonna put this under a read more cuz I am a crazy child who can’t shut up!!! Anyways, here we go!!
So as a musician, I actually started off playing the Alto Saxophone. That being said, my biggest jazz inspirations are probably Charlie Parker (my MOST fave saxophonist tbh I studied all his music!!), Cannonball Adderly, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, & Herbie Hancock!! And my favorite thing about Herbie Hancock (other than the fact that he’s still alive & bumpin’) is that he is one of the biggest successful names who also practices the same sect of Buddhism I’m involved with, & that’s Nichiren Buddhism. Hancock is evidence of our buddhist practice because he chants Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo (loosely translates to “devotion to the Mystic Law of cause & effect thru sound”). So why is that important? We believe that if you chant NMRK & also put your thoughts into action, then you will receive immense benefit. The point of our practice is that we believe anyone can become happy thru chanting, & our goal is that if we can make everyone know happiness, then the world will know peace. ANYWAYS, back to music, that’s just my jazz answer!!
I’ve also had to study a lot of classical music growing up, & I must say that I’m most fond of Romantic Era & 20th century classical music. Tchaikovsky, Chopin, Brahms, & Liszt are some of my faves from Romantic Era. Stravinsky, Schoenburg, Copland, & Ives are some pretty incredible 20th century classical composers as well.
GROWING UP, I started off as a lil bop/top hits child because, yknow, parents will only make you listen to what they deem appropriate, but as I became exposed & learned more, I actually became a lil rocker child like my dad!! Dad exposed me to Led Zeppelin, Queen, AC/DC, Kiss, all the classic rock shit. This was also around the time that the one Jack Black movie came out (School of Rock I think it’s called). So I eventually began exploring rock music within my own generation (which there are TOO many bands that I like to even list off).
My biggest inspirations from middle school (and still to-date) are Alkaline Trio & 65daysofstatic. These two band saved my life when I thought I was down at my worst back when I was suicidal.
Going into high school, I was still the rocker child, but I think 65daysofstatic exposed me to start listening to more electronic stuff. Not necessarily dubstep bc dubstep didn’t become really big until just about when I graduated high school, but like. Stuff like Armin Van Buuren. Trance stuff. I thought it was super cool. And honestly, my favorite thing about seeing dubstep thriving into fruition was that I felt like a saw new generation of music being born. I couldn’t help but wonder, “Is this what it was like when rock was born? Was this what it was like when jazz rose within America?” It was SO cool!! Even though I’m still a lil rock child, I have so much love, appreciation, & respect for electronic music, & would definitely incorporate it into my own compositions (but since I don’t have a band rn, as you can see, electronic is all I make for now).
I would say my top 4 biggest inspirations to-date are In This Moment, Motionless In White, New Years Day, & William Control. & I can break this down easily:
1) In This Moment
In This Moment is SOOOOOOO important to me!!!! Gosh I almost don’t know where to start!!!!! I remember the first time I heard them was actually on MTV back when Headbangers Ball was big, & “Beautiful Tragedy” was like, their new biggest hit! I DIED when Maria Brink collaborated with Chris Motionless to make the music video for “Whore!” But most importantly, “The Fighter” was my motherfucking anthem after my ex & I broke up last year, & ESPECIALLY when I was sexually assaulted five days after. “I will not hide my face, I will not fall from grace, I’ll walk into the fire baby. All my life I was afraid to die, but now I come alive inside these flames.” The other thing is that Maria inspires me SO MUCH from a lyrical/compositional aspect cuz like (& I know I said I’m Buddhist from a philosphical standpoint), I also consider myself a witch, & Maria has a very enchanting witch aesthetic, & ALL of her music is written to have these really heavy messages with grand morals & such, so I see bits of both my buddhism & my witchcraft thru their music! I’m gonna be seeing them live for the first time in April and ASDIFHAOIJGPOWJGE I am so excited!!!!
2) Motionless In White
WowowowowowowoWOW where do I begin again!! I know people make fun of old MIW since it was basically only screamo/edgelord stuff, but I used to LOVE that shit once upon a time, and tbh, I think MIW is the only band of its original genre to actually become successful in obtaining that Halloween/goth/nu-goth aesthetic (which is exactly why I LOVE IT), I admire Chris for his “idgaf” attitude & for the depth in which he writes his music. MIW is obviously a very political & socially aware band, but they also take time to write very personal music too. I think the Graveyard Shift album was VERY personal, given that 570 & Hourglass were their favorite songs to make & they had such deep messages about their own journey as musicians. I’ve had the pleasure to meet this band twice, & the second time I think I left a good impression! I gave everyone in the band & their girlfriends (bc I’m such a barista) Starbucks gift cards, & they were all very nice & thankful!! I think Chris also remembers me as the one who asks really heavy music-related questions at VIPs cuz like, the first time I met them I was like, “What advice do you have for musicians like me who want to do what you do??” & the 2nd time I met them, I had a question regarding composing music. Nicest band, 10/10, & if you’re going to the final Vans Warped Tour show, you should definitely go support them because they’re on the lineup!!! (Not important info, but they also featured Maria Brink in their song “Contemptress” off the Reincarnate album, & I think that’s amazing that they team up so well)
3) New Years Day
MY BABYGIRL ASH IS SO GOOD SHE JUST GOT ENGAGED OMG I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER!!! Anyways, NYD is another REALLY nice band, & much like ITM & MIW, they carry both the witchy aesthetic (since Ash is an open witch), & they also have a bit of a Halloweenish vibe to them in their own sense (but not in the same way MIW does). I think, if you’re not big on the heavy music ITM & MIW make, NYD is a PERFECT recommendation because it’s still dark-themed music, but especially vocally speaking, it’s much “easier” on the ears (I love all of this kind of music, but this is also what people in my close circle also tell me cuz not all my friends like my music). I’ve only met this band once, but I’ve also had SO many incredible interactions with them! I met them for the first time at Vans Warped Tour last year, & it was exactly one month after I was assaulted. I didn’t feel all that great that day (partly cuz I was going to VWT by myself & I hate going alone to concerts), but Ash Costello called me beautiful when I felt my ugliest. And that’s when I realized, “Fuck if my idols can see my own worth & beauty when I can’t, the who the fuck am I!?!?” I also got to experience music lessons with both Nikki Misery & Jeremy Valentyne (just before Jeremy left the band) & they’re both very cool people! I’ve also supported Ash’s now-fiance as a musician by donating to his GoFundMe when he was doing presales on his very first EP (I think I was one of his top highest donators??) & I also made a purchase off of Ash’s DEPOP once, & she actually sent me Christmas/New Years thank you letter & some polaroid photos of herself and I???? Cried??? New Years Day is one of the few bands that I actually genuinely actively see interacting with their fanbase & loving their fans as much they do, they’re so GREAT. If you get into them & interact with their social media or go see them live, they’ll love you up to bits & pieces, they’re so sweet. I want to be as humble as them if I ever make it big.
4) William Control
A god amongst kings... My love & appreciation for this man runs so deep & knows no boundaries. I grew up on Aiden in both middle & high school, but when I learned about how the industry fucked with Aiden as a band, not only did I support Will’s transition from the punk/goth Aiden to his now electro-synth Control morally speaking, but I was actually surprised to find that I actually genuinely really LIKED his electro stuff more than his rock stuff! You can almost tell he’s going forcibly high in Aiden, like he’s straining his voice so much to get that right tone (even though he KILLS IT cuz he’s a MONSTER). But Will’s openly said before that the transition to William Control has helped him vocally because now he sings in a much more comfortable range. He also exudes an aesthetic that I wish I could obtain within the music industry?? Like, his music is sexually themed, but he’s not inadvertently SEXUALIZED. That’s how I WANT to be. I want to make music that can have sexual themes, but without actually sexualizing MYSELF. He’s also really open about being in the BDSM community, & most of his merch is based off of BDSM like his “Fuck Christian Grey” t-shirts (I think he even has his own branded butt plugs?? bless him). He has been able to transform his life so much that he went from “broke-but-famous” Aiden, to “I own my own record studio now & I’m the boss now” William Control. He actually technically retired as a musician (he’s stated that he hates touring & knowing that his son could grow up without him, so he wants to take time to focus on his family), but he’s still the manager of his very own Control Records. Because I don’t see myself forming a band anytime soon, it’s actually one of my goals to apply for Control Records as an electronic musician.
As for what I’m listening to right now (I don’t condone smoking, but if you do smoke, smoke weed), I sometimes listen to stoner shit cuz I do get high with my friends recreationally, & I do genuinely need weed to help me cope with my anxiety & depression, & my IRL friend @spectra-indica recommended CloZee to me & I can’t stop listening to it!! It’s both organic & electronic in it’s own fascinating way, & one point I got so high & connected so deeply with CloZee’s music that I almost started crying.
And yeah, those are my top faves by far!!! I wish I could list more, but then it’ll get too long aaaaaah ;A;
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