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sumastudies · 4 years

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so, this is how it’s going (for me)

it’s currently day 20 of my self-isolation journey. my department in uni had us do one last day (friday the 13th) of normal classes because i had 2 labs and quizzes that, so we did those and then the isolation began. and now im losing my mind.

a little background: i got sick the week the government here came out with the announcement that uni is gonna be off for 3 weeks (now extended for the rest of the semester being online). that decision didn’t come out until thursday the 12th. the thing is, i usually dont get too sick? like, it’s pretty normal for me to start feeling sick, have a bit of a scratchy throat and maybe a headache, stuffy nose too, but my immune system always always manages to fight it off in a couple of days. so since it’s pretty rare for me to get sick enough to want to stay home. in the beginning of that week, i thought that was what was gonna happen too, but by wednesday, it seemed that yeah, im sick and my body is too tired to fight it off. see, i sort of didn’t consciously think about going to uni - it was a given that i had to. i had a lab midterm i HAD to do on tuesday, and then i couldnt afford to miss my classes for the rest of the week (for the sake of material and i didnt want to go over my nonattendance allowance), but then on thursday afternoon at like 2pm, after a full day of classes since 9am, i fell asleep in class out of pure exhaustion, and that’s when i knew that i absolutely HAD to stay home. imagine the frustration. if i’d stayed home that morning, or at least skipped 1 class, i’d have felt marginally better, at the least.

but i couldnt. my classes wouldnt end til 7.30 that evening, and i had the 2 labs and quizzes to prepare for and go to the next day from 9am-6pm - only then could i let my body rest.

so i got through both classes that day, and got back home so tired all i could do was lay in bed so tired i didnt even change out of my clothes, with guilt weighing down on me because i wasnt studying for the next day’s labs. by 12am, i was so frustrated and bone-achingly tired that i just gave up and texted a friend to ask the TAs in the morning lab if i could do anything to compensate what i’d miss if she didnt see me in the morning. then i took finally go to sleep with alarms for 6am that i would get up to if i heard in the morning to study. here’s when the sobbing starts out of nowhere.

in hindsight, i dont know if it was just a normal flu that my body couldnt fight off due to physical exhaustion, or if it was something else. (bear in mind, that was the week when only the first case of covid19 was reported here, so logically it couldnt have been but the paranoia was definitely there and definitely scary as hell)

fast foward to now: it’s been 2 weeks of online classes, and one more before that of netflix only, and im just about losing my mind. i came to stay over at my friends’ after only the first weekend and now idk if i wanna go back to my apartment alone or if it’s just because my mind is generally restless and i just wanna go back to be with my family. (that’s a whole other story tho)

even worse, i cant bring myself to focus on my classes, even though i wanted them to start so bad that first week i had to do absolutely nothing, for the sake of some structure. my uni plans to give some projects/homeworks to replace midterms at least, the fate of finals is still undecided, and labs might be done in the summer, and i cant get myself to study even for myself and my own growth. the way i’ve been wanting to since winter break in jan.

this unmotivation is killing me, and i know im not the only one feeling this way, i know that literally the whole world is in this situation and mindstate right now, but i feel like i want to explode. i cant help but blame myself and my own fucked up brain for not being productive and being good for myself, just like i always do.

i want to do more with my life with all the time that i have now, work towards my future career somehow. even the internship i was supposed to start planning for this summer is probably gonna be suspended or whatever.

i study both pharmacy and business admin, and i feel like it’s more accessible to try and do something with my business degree in some way, but my brain has never been trained to be of the entrepreneurial type.

im just. so sick of being in limbo like this.

i havent even been able to get myself to write (anything, of any sort) in MONTHS

i dont even know when i can get back home to my family, since no one’s accepting any incoming flights and im not even a permanent resident so. fuck all this shit.

#suma talks #suma rants #personal #long post #mine #im sorry this is so long i just needed to get it out somewhere

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in-her-wildest-dreams · 7 years

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MY LA SECRET SESSION EXPERIENCE!

Background:

So Taylor’s been following me for over 2 years now and she’s showed up for me somewhat regularly ever since she followed me which I’m incredibly grateful for (like INCREDIBLY). When she did secret sessions last era, I didn’t even have a fan account for anything and I got all the news off insta and my best friends in real life @thislove-brittany and @thosegeorgiastars13 when we would come into school and talk about how some extremely lucky fans got to go into her home and hang with her for hours on end. At that point we all almost had to laugh because we live in Australia and we weren’t known AT ALL by Taylor and we just told ourselves it was such a far fetched dream it was ridiculous… Fast forward a few months later that next year in 2015, when Taylor followed me – I believe to this day she saw a photo of B, G and I posing as Bad Blood characters, and she followed me from that. So basically the first memory I have of Taylor acknowledging my existence was shared with my 2 best friends, but let me now continue with the story….

On the 1st of January this year, I wrote this post:

About 4 weeks ago, things at uni went downhill and I had quite literally hit rock bottom in terms of my stress and my future regarding uni. At the same sort of time Taylor had started joining people’s livestreams but she would do so between the hours of 3-7am Australian time so I just kept waking up to her lurking people and watching their lives while I had zero chances in the first place and it was there and then that I thought to myself ‘I’m never meeting her, I have negative hope that I’ll ever meet Taylor” and basically I spent a few days not logging in very much because I was so upset about everything and just didn’t want to bother. But then I started having so many fun events like friends and family birthday parties over those next few weekends and life felt a bit better. During one of those weeks, Taylor had seen 2 or 3 of my tumblr posts where I complimented people’s selfies and it hit me then that good things were still coming and that she still probably maybe had her eye on me (but it was still just wishful thinking). Then London SS happened and my best friend from England, Katy aka @ethereal-swiftness ended up meeting T and I’d sent her an ask about keeping the secret and Taylor saw that a day later and once again I really started to feel things again and it was almost as if right then I knew something was coming for me – like I just knew.

Getting Contacted by TN

So it was Wednesday morning on the 18th of October, 5.36am, when B and G texted me about 23 times in a row with messages like “EMENME” “CHECK TUMVLT NOW GO DHCIENEONC DO IT CHEJCK IT” “WE GOT THE SMEDSAHE” so naturally I nearly fell out of my bed because yes, in fact, my 2 best friends in real life had both individually received a confidential message from TN and so I went to check my tumblr and there was nothing there so I was worried at first, but I know they always take a while to send each one out, and once again, by my own intuition, I just knew I was getting one, and knew somehow that all of us were going to meet her together at some point – we’d been on countless walks by the beach all year dreaming about the day we’d meet T together, and I just knew in my heart it would happen for us all – and so I had to go to uni that day so I was checking my messages every other minute of the day, and I got home in the afternoon and had a nap because I was physically exhausted LOL. Next minute I realise its nearly 6pm and I was getting ready for dinner, and out of nowhere, my subconscious mind decided that I’d click on my twitter app, which I genuinely barely EVER touch these days - I hadn’t touched it in days, but somehow my mind told me to click on it in that moment, and the second I logged in there was one new message, and there it was. I screamed so loud and started shrieking, running over to mum and dad and yelling at them – they were very very excited because I’d told them about the girls getting one that morning!!! I couldn’t believe they’d sent it via twitter as my main account is tumblr and I was expecting it to come from there but hey then I realised how shifty Taylor is and she probably gave them my twitter because its in my tumblr bio (!!!!!!) (TN don’t follow me on twitter either). They asked for my details in the message. Anyway so it hit me that night that I was officially meeting Taylor anytime in the next 2 weeks or so and I remember proper crying in the shower that night (I never cry properly like I just don’t do it?!!!!) because it was just a shock and it couldn’t have come at a better time honestly and it all just hit me so hard. So anyway the next day I was writing my notes for uni and at about 1pm, I got a call from a New York number and I knew instantly it was TN. I think it may have been Sierra but I honestly can’t remember LOL so the first thing she said was “I understand this may be a bit of a flight…” and in the moment I was like ‘yeah no Sydney or Melbourne is nothing for me’, expecting the event was to be held in Australia LOL, but the next thing she said was “So there’s actually going to be an event in the Los Angeles area on Sunday” and I straight away said “wait you mean this Sunday?!!!” and she said “Yes like in 4 days Sunday, yes in Los Angeles, now I know this is a lot and you may not be able to come but at this stage there’s nothing else on the cards, and we do have your details now and we can send you some things in the meantime” so I said “okay okay can I just call you back so I can sort some things out, can I please just call you back” and she was fine with that and so I hung up and told Mum instantly and then called Dad and he was so happy for me that he was already helping me look up next day flights! So low and behold, within the hour, I ended up booking flights myself and getting in contact with the girls so we could sort out similar flight times and hotels etc, and TN called me back and I told them it was a ‘go’ and that’s the story of how I was suddenly about to fly to LA with one days’ notice to meet Taylor Swift LOL. So basically I had to spend the next few days making up (very) lame excuses to you guys online as to why I wasn’t posting at my usual times and it was the hardest secret I will ever have to keep OH. MY. GOD.

Arriving in LA

So Friday morning LA time I arrived and met up with the girls straight away at the airport luckily, and we made our way to our hotel. Of course because we were all on a 13+ hour flight, we missed the release of ‘Gorgeous’ and we knew we had to learn the lyrics before Sunday LOL so it was on repeat for 48 hours straight and we were loving every moment of it. We had an amazing 2 full days exploring LA and doing fun things, knowing how excited we were for Sunday’s adventure!!!

Meeting Taylor

In no time it was Sunday the 22nd October, aka the day we were meeting Taylor Swift in her LA home. (!!!!!!) We had to go out shopping in the morning to find a frame for B’s painting she was doing for T, and then we probably spent the rest of the day in the hotel with ‘Gorgeous’ on repeat getting prepared to actually get ready LOL. By 12pm we started doing our makeup and hair because we didn’t want to rush the process or anything, and honestly soon enough it was already 3.30pm and we were downstairs taking photos and vlogging, about to hop in an uber to take us to the meeting spot (!!!!!!). So we get there and walk inside to where TN directed us, fill out some details and get our wristbands (!!!!!) and suddenly I recognise this girl with dark hair and a stripy dress, and I just kNEW straight away it was Bella aka @swiftful-thinking13 but I had that fear it wasn’t so I waited a bit longer to properly check and it was DEFINITELY her LOL so we were all kind of standing in a circle and I just looked at her and went “Bella… Bella… BELLA” and she dead set looked at me in complete and utter shock for god knows how long (there were no words coming out I kid you not) and so then and there we both ran into a hug and she basically started crying, saying “THIS IS BETTER THAN MEETING TAYLOR SWIFT I CANT BELIEVE YOU’RE HERE IN LA WTF MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE I LOVE YOU” and literally until we actually got on the shuttle she was in disbelief and none of us could quite believe what was happening LOL (I knew ALL ALONG she was gonna be there, may I add, I KNEW it).

This is a pic of Bella and I basically as soon as we met!!

Anyway among all this chaos, someone informed me that @ohkimani just rolled up and I legit stood up, looked around and went “KIMANI” and there she was in front of me and yeah that was casual, considering I was supposed to meet both these girls in a few months time when I’m back in LA!!! So we took some photos, had a good chat, and I also met Paige!! ( @heypay ), and waited around until it was time for us all to get on the shuttles to the ‘secret location’.

Kimani, Bella and I!

It was about 6pm or so when our group got on the shuttle after a security check, and I sat next to Bella, while B and G sat right behind us, and we spent the entire ride basically holding each others hands crying, knowing that we were minutes away from Taylor Swift’s house (!!!!!!). So we roll up to her place, the gates open and it felt like I was in wonderland in that moment, I’m telling you it was indescribable. We had to have another body check when we got off the shuttle, and we were then told to stand against the wall. On my way to the wall, I saw what looked like her guest living area all lit up with about 20 candles sitting around a bench LOL, and then there was an archway next to the wall to the backyard that was surrounded by fairy lights!!!!!!!! So in the few minutes we waited for everyone to get off the bus, we started hyperventilating and going into panic mode like I think I said to Bella about 20 times in a row that I wanted to turn around and leave because it felt fake and I got so scared suddenly that we were about to be in Taylor Swift’s presence (!!!!!!!!).

Anyway soon enough I think it was Erica who escorted us through to the backyard, and into the pool area where the first group were mingling. All the food was set up on tables around the pool area and I just about lost my entire soul in that moment…. It was like a scene from a Hollywood movie like her location is divine!!!! and just sitting around her pool eating her food was a feeling I could never ever ever describe to you…ever. I had a plate with hommus and carrots because a lot of you know I can’t live without hommus LOL, and I had some olives, a REP cookie, REP m&m’s, a sushi roll thing, chips, and of course, a SMART water hehe. When we went to sit down by the jacuzzi, ‘Fire Away’ by Chris Stapleton started playing, and Bella and I just looked at each other in disbelief because in that moment everything was perfect, and we were listening to such a chilled, country song as the sun set in the most beautiful way over LA on a warm autumnal night at Taylor Swift’s house. It was there that I think we both just cried, like we’d met for the first time at Taylor Swift’s house and we’d already felt like best friends and it all came full circle, and I looked at B and G and went, guys this just isn’t real, its not… how did we fly here, I can’t believe life right now. That moment is a memory I’ll treasure forever and I truly could not have felt more content with my life – everything felt perfect. So we were waiting until the other groups arrived, and suddenly I saw Tree turn up so I went over and while she was chatting to other people, @teardropsonsmyguitar came over to me and said “OH MY GOD I KNEW I RECOGNISED YOU OH MY GOD EMILY HEY” and I was like oh my gODDD girl, remind me your username again!!!! And she told me and I knew it was Kaitlyn straight away and she told me I was beautiful etc and just about cried then too because I felt closer than ever to everyone there even though I was oceans away from home! Finally Tree turned to us and she said “So where are you guys from?!” and B, G and I said together “Australia!” and she goes “wOW WOW oh my GOD what part?!” and we said Gold Coast and she was so enthused and ecstatic for us and then I asked her how her cat is going and she told us a cute little story and it was adorable hehe and then we spoke more and she had to go and check on something and left. I also finally got to meet my Aussie gal @screamedsooloud and her sister during that time and we were talking about the fact that none of us knew if any other Aussies were gonna be there and omg Dani is truly as funny as you see online LOL.

Anyway soon after, we were escorted back up to the house, into a small living area with candles lit everywhere and soft pillows/blankets all over the floor. I was so mesmerised by everything that I wasn’t paying attention to where B and G were and suddenly they said “EM, come over here!!!” and I turned around and saw a red chair with speakers either side and I knew EXACTLY where homegirl was about to be sitting, so somehow we ended up smack bang at the front of the room, less than 1m away from the chair. We then spent a solid 10 minutes screeching and crying to each other, knowing Taylor Swift was about to sit less than a f*****g metre away from us for 2 hours (!!!!!!!!!!!!). So yeah all of a sudden, there was commotion at the back of the room, and Taylor Alison Swift appeared through the curtain, and the whole room turned into madness and hysteria holy christ, but no apparently that wasn’t enough – two of the HAIM sisters are right behind her, as well as Jack Antonoff, Ruby Rose, Jessica Veronica (I think), Ash Avignone, and someone else and the whole room went into riot (!!!!!!) Taylor made her way to the front, hugging some people along the way, including B, to which T said “YOU MADE IT!”, knowing we came from Australia (????!!!!!!!). So there we were, less than a metre away from Taylor Swift herself, trying to act like we were somewhat alive in that moment. She looks very different in real life I found I don’t know she just looked so beautiful and perfect in every way and she was wearing high waisted camo pants with huge boots and a long sleeved black crop with her curly hair and red lips!!! I won’t talk now much about what happened in that room, but I WILL say I had a dance party with her and she came over to us and fully had a proper dance sesh and it still just felt like a dream. Throughout the playing of the album, she looked at me so intently so many times that I felt like I had to look away at times because she truly does stare into your soul like its mesmerising WOW. Anyway when (my now favourite song) was playing, I started crying instantly and I saw that she was watching me at times, and by the last verse, Bella, me, B and G had all lost it, laughing and crying at each other, having the absolute time of our lives, and T watched us, smiling and miming the lyrics to us the whole verse and that was by far probably the happiest moment of my life, it was just a feeling you could not put into words – it meant everything and it couldn’t have been more perfect, she made that song extra special for me and I’ll have that memory to hold onto forever. We also fully bowed down to her like you actually would to Queen Elizabeth, because hey she IS a queen, and it was so funny LOL.

Once she’d kinda finished up with that part of the night, she told us she had to go de-sweat and freshen up because that LA heat with 100 of us in a small room was really getting to everyone and so we kinda mingled and went for a bathroom rush to freshen up ourselves before we started the meet and greet/photo opportunity. We went to what was probably her guest bathroom, as the house is still in renovation and there were actual notes on the wall saying ‘wallpaper’ etc like it was legit in mid renovation so it was exciting to know that she told us we were the first official ‘guests’ in this home?!!!! And then we got back into the room and mingled while people started forming a line to the next room where she was about to take photos and meet us! It was probably about 45 minutes later, after lots of crying and talking and general disbelief, that we were about to walk over and hug Taylor Swift – ‘Malibu’ by Miley Cyrus was playing right before we met her and I could not have been happier I swear.

Brittany went over first and she hugged her so tight, and then T looked at me like ‘HEY!’ and we hugged (absolutely magical hugs they are), and then G hugged her. The first thing I said was “okay so we got told on Thursday and booked next day flights over here” and she said instantly “look I still can’t believe you guys made it like I can’t believe it WOW!” and then I think we spoke a bit more about it and she said “so Ali texted me before saying ‘The Australians are here!’ and I was so excited and I can’t believe you’re actually here!” And B said something like “of COURSE we’re here we wouldn’t miss it!!!” and then I think we must have taken the photo and I was like “Can I hold the Grammy” and she was like “uhhh yeaahhhhhhh” and I asked her which Grammy it was to which she said “1989 AOTY” and so there I was holding her latest Grammy in her house, just casually. I gave it to B to hold, and then held it again on the throne that we sat on in the photo LOL, and she gave G the phone from the LWYMMD music video that she danced with earlier LOL. So we all sat down and then T leaned in from the side and I think she put her arm around B and before I could even orientate myself nicely they’d already taken the photo LOL so I’m worried how that will turn out…. So then we all spoke a bit more and I asked her how the cats were and she said “yeah they’re doing really well at home now, although they did have a fight today” and she showed me the scar on her finger LOL, and then she said “but Meredith’s been so good lately, she’s been behaving and she even purred” and I think I just laughed and said ‘yeah purring’s always a good sign’ or something stupid, and then I complimented her black sparkly nails and she pulled them out towards us and said “aww thanks, do you like them? I did them today!” and then we must have said again that we couldn’t believe we were really there and she said “guys I just cannot believe you made it, thank you so much” and then the girls walked away because everyone seemed to go as a group first and then allow each person to have a one on one with Taylor. So suddenly it was just me and Taylor and I think the first thing we did was get a photo and so I said “okay what should we do” and she was like “I don’t mind, whatever you want” and so I quickly said “lets just hug” because I always wanted a cute hugging photo so we just locked ourselves in a hug, and JUST as the photographer was about to take our photo, they had to walk away and change something, so in any normal situation I thought T would let go and just wait, but she LITERALLY KEPT HUGGING ME in that position and I nearly died I was in shock but also felt so loved in that moment and I said “oh my god you smell AMAZING” because we were literally THAT close her scent was fully rubbing off on me and she smelled DIVINE like my gOD !!!!!! And she said “awww thanks” and then I think we finally got our photo, and then started talking more. The first proper thing she said was “oh my god I LOVE your dress so much, wow, its like perfect for like a more important, special type of occasion, like a first date, you know what I mean?!” and I just lost it then wow. I think after that I mentioned how thankful I am for all the tumblr friends I’ve made and how supportive we are online and she said something like “awww yes it’s the most beautiful thing” and then I mentioned Akhila ( @smilingswiftie ) and how she told me she was meeting T beforehand and then I realised I probably shouldn’t have told Taylor that so I quickly said “don’t worry, I kept the secret!!” and she turned back and cackled LOL I found it pretty funny and then she ACTUALLY SPOKE ABOUT AKHILA and said “oh my god she’s so pure and adorable and I didn’t want to let her go” and I said “yeah she’s so beautiful” and then I mentioned how Mere ( @lifeofswiftie89 ) had mentioned Jess ( @jessicaswiftie1989 ) and I (my OG group chat) at the RI ss and she interrupted and said “ah Meredith with the cats” and nodded and said “yeah yeah” before I finished Jess’s name and she fully knew them as she apparently did when Mere mentioned Jess and I to her (?!!!!!) so yeah that happened and she knows a LOT of people I tell you… And then I think she was just standing there and I remember looking up and saying “you’re GORGEOUS” because I wanted to sneak in the ‘gorgeous’ reference LOL, and she stepped back and did that cute little smile of hers and said “thanks GORGEOUSSSSSSS” just like she sings it in the song (!!!!!!) and then I probably said for the millionth time that I couldn’t quite believe I was there and she said for the millionth time “I can’t believe you’re here thank you so much for coming!!” and then she had the AUDACITY to say so casually like so casually I almost died, that “you were on the list ages ago, I’m so sorry they took so long!” and I think I just laughed in shock and went “well I can’t BELIEVE I’m here, thank you so much” and then I think she hugged me again and we said our goodbyes and it was B and G’s turn to speak with her. I got my merch bag and Ali wanted me to wait for the girls because they wanted to interview us about coming all this way…. And then soon enough we were escorted out the side door and back onto the bus and I basically wanted to cry then LOL and so that was the story of how I flew 13 hours across the world with 3 days notice to meet Taylor Swift in LA with my 2 best friends!!!!!!!

Timing really is a funny thing, and it all just so happened at quite honestly the most perfect time ever. This year I have felt more confident than ever, and most content with myself and my life and I feel like the best things happen when you’re at your best and that’s why meeting her when I did couldn’t have possibly come at a better time – just know that good things come to those who wait, and you’ll know when you know, I promise. Never ever ever give up.

And so to end the story, on October 22nd 2017, this happened:

thank you endlessly from the bottom of my heart for the opportunity of a lifetime, and for giving me a memory I will NEVER forget as long as I live, Taylor, you’re truly the best there is :’)

#la ss #story #miss IT #ss experience

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oraclegamma · 7 years

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[Fanfiction] Forgotten Debris

"Where there would be you, me,whose stupidity is Unbridled, and your used-to-be smart-beloved inner circle. We talk about the things we’ve been done along the past 2 years after graduation. Where they work, where I work, what they have done so far.They proudly tell you where they work,achievement they got,project they've done,prospective client they met,good meeting place to go,good position.Me, on the other hand.wow, stop torturing me when it comes to retrospective one.But it’s ok,I’m gonna tell you all what I’ve done so far..Yes, I’ve done nothing. I was just a fired one,, and I am still nothing up till now, what would you think about me?" -Kim Jongdae

Wake up to the nothingness, sleep to the nightmare. You want everything, you want something. What about everything goes downhill till all you want, even plea, drop to the lowest level of “I wanna have a reason to dress up, to wake up in the morning leaving home catching the first bus downtown”.Since having a job is a luxury for him, a slow learner who has been fired twice from the job he was in. The 24 years old Kim Jongdae is what 5 years old “Kim Jongdae” never dreamt about. Well,this kind of prove why Jongdae understand 3rd grade math when he was on 6th grade, three times failed at physic class, and took 2 days sleepless night to master statistic at uni.

“I really wanna go to work”

like all my friends do..

Like all people my age supposed to do..” “Luhan hyung, chukkae! You got it!! Do the best ten times better than you did before,ne?”

“and Kyungsoo-ya, your seniors at your new office are soo nice! They must be take a good care of you very well!!”

Jongdae knows, one of the best prayer wished sincerely is when someone you pray for doesn’t know and request. A silent sincere prayer whised by Jongdae as Luhan and Kyungsoo starts his new better,higher position,more prestige job tomorrow.

"I should've been happy knowing they really having a good time working there,earning good income,most important... they can work at their best performance. I am happy for Luhan Hyung and Kyungsoo”

Even though all Jongdae feels now is throbbing. “...will I ever have that chance?...”

The last three months of 2012 were the hardest thing of Jongdae’s life. Waking up to face the terrible day and walking home crying.

Right here on this empty big world, I see that everything has changed I'm unable to find the right words, I can only stand in silence How do i begin again, from where should i'am starting over In spite of my desperation i'am looking for light Oh, If out there somewhere there really is God? (Kaze wa Fuiteiru, AKB48 eng translate)

You,As Wu Yi Fan. -That man who dressed nicely in suit really looks good, way much more looks good because it reflects his success. His successfulness goes really well along the step he takes-

Just like the ordinary day for people who live in urban city, it comes to the situation where your simple yet chic work outfit, nice shoe, latest gadget and another one or two thing/s more complete your appearance as a qualified person who really fits best to this city,and today,should be one of the luckiest day you might have because you can leave your cubicle when you still can see the sun. Even though you were lucky you left the office earlier, you couldn't completely drop all your job off of your mind even just for a little while. Your boss just handed you the project of your dreams, along with promises of a reward if your team completes it by a fast-approaching deadline.But Him.. a stupid new person that joined your team a while ago,who really couldn't do anything. Slow learner who takes longer to understand concepts and complete tasks, and working with him is often frustrating for you and your colleagues. Thing would go a little bit better if he, as if,was a fast learner. As if. Now that guy leaves some flaw on your perfect Friday night. “Kim Jongdae!! Actually what kind of business process that you expert in??!!". You can't understand or nearly understand what's going on around you. About why there is a person as slow as Kim Jongdae and why you are hardly able to talk to these days.

-End Wu Yi Fan POV-

His path scatters around somewhere he doesn’t know.And he lost his way to own it back again. Just counting the hours to go back to sleep. Days constantly remind him on that certain time on and on.

“You are Fired”

“You are Slow Learner”

Five months gone, but the echoes still. The wounds still. As Kim Jongdae tries to stand back again gaining some hope into the new piece of his life. The life where all his friends proudly engaging into some major project.

Kim Jongdae, A slow learned who struggles indeed. Those feelings of being scolded by everyone he works with are running over and over his mind. He hampered his co worker. He’s nothing but an under achiever. The fact reveals he couldn’t be in team, he couldn’t do a fast phase professional business requirement.

-Jongdae POV-

Why did you talk about being a loser when everything you’ve got worked perfectly riding you to the top? How could you create the future in the name of loser? You never know what loser really is... A loser who’s afraid to face the world because of the incompetency, self esteem, and something that happened in the past. You don’t know how slow I learn, you don’t know mistakes I’ve done. Let me be the loser.

There once was group of people dress nicely and act sophisticatedly in the corner of caffee, professionally talk about some kind of chart. Me, on the other side of corner, testify them secretly with a bunch of mixed feeling, and question:

I wish I could join them,what if I join them?

Would I be the one who didn’t contribute any idea or action?

Would they be having a hard time because I join the team?

I am stupid, I am a slow learner, I am a loser. I am on the next level of stupidity.Terrified by that view is really a stupid thing. Reality hits me to see the dark side of anything. The light goes off of me. An outshined loser.

I walk on any shop to see how nice is that suit. I afford the price, but I can’t afford to find an exact place to go with that suit. I wanna have that suit, but I am more fond to have a proper place to go to, a productive thing to be done.

End Jongdae POV

How does it feel walking home after working? Just a simple thing that he wished he had now :

A way back home that gives a simple satisfication in a little corner of heart as the sign that he has worked hard today.

A way back home that he could buy some decent food for his little brother at home.

A way back home that he could prove everyone that he’s not a perfectly imperfect man.

... but in fact, Kim Jongdae was just a fired-slow learner. A man who is fighting so hard againts his own anxiety and low self esteem. He belongs to the darkness inside the wardrobe at his room. The best option for him to be at, simply the place where no one hears him cry. The moment where being in the corner is the most safest place to be.Neither time goes too short nor too fast as he’s blending himself into the darkness. Nevertheless, One Almighty God becomes the reason for Jongdae doesn’t cut his arm or slit his wrist. He kept this feeling on track when it comes up. Before it turns back to grey again, at this very moment. The times that he felt secure the most...after he prays..and at the last sip of his coffee.

Sehun POV

“Sehun-ah,I’m home. Here I got some chicken mushroom and bubble tea for us. Gotta be sure that you haven’t had dinner, right?”

It has been the countless times Jongdae Hyung attended job interview, and it’s been the countless times I can’t bear my feeling by watching Jongdae Hyung hurts so much. I love Jongdae Hyung for whatever he is. And I want nothing but having Jongdae hyung happy for what has happened and the person he is.

“Jongdae Hyung, Did you know that today there is a rumor stated David de Gea will soon move to Real Madrid?”

“Aah, is that true? What about ikker Cassillas? I cant believe Rafael Benitez doesn’t trust him as the main goalkeeper anymore. He has dedicated his life for 25 years with Real Madrid.”

“You know Hyung, the fun fact is De Gea was just born when Cassillas started his training with Real Madrid Junior team. ”

I don’t wanna ask about how the interview was, I want Jongdae Hyung forget all he went through today by distracting the conversation atmosphere into the things he likes. Music, singing, football, stand-up comedy. And it worked. Jongdae Hyung shows his enthusiasm when I raised the topic about what I read a glance about the news of Europe League today.

-6 months later-

Jongdae never knows where he is right now. He can’t even move nor shout. A peculiar area where he sees people come around with their each other’s business. A regular day right after office hour ends. Is he dreaming? About a man in casual look with a backpack on his back,and his tired face engulfed by happiness on the front line of Bubble Tea counter. “My dongsaeng will like it so much!!” a silent whisper pronounced cleary heard by Jongdae.

“Have a nice day, Sir”

“Thank you.. I can’t believe I can buy this for my dongsaeng with my first salary”

“wait... what? Who he actually is?”

“We’ll have a meeting at Ministry of Finance at 10”

---**---

“Sehun-ah , wake up!! I have a meeting at Ministry of Finance at 10, and maybe tonight I’ll come home a little bit late, because I have another meeting at Ministry of Law and Human Right at 4. Don't forget to have breakfast! see yea at night!”

As Sehun watched Jongdae dissappear at the doorway, he grabbed his last night bubble tea and went into his deep thought about what finally came to his hyung. A perseverance and endless pray brought his hyung to catch the first train to Central Business District every morning. This is stupid, he thought. How come his hyung wasted 2 years of his life being depressed just to be a coorporate slave? How come a curated pictures about the late night meeting his peers post on SNS brought him down to the lowest point he could be? but whatever it is, Sehun feels so relieve.

"Jongdae Hyung, You've overcome your fear. But I know the fear of being slow learner can’t fade as train goes by. I just wanna thank God for what you have now. You’ve got your dream to buy me this bubble tea on your way back home. I love you, Hyung for whatever you are."

[Side Story]

It was Carissa

-Jongdae POV-

“Bye Carissa”

It was Carissa. A freshgrader who’s accidentally, by professional means, sat at the front desk as she is known by all departments in this Ministry. She takes the responsibility of financial administration and serves everyone in this Ministry to approve their financial application, and accidentally be my partner in running this project I was designated to. Sometimes the irresponsible employee yelled at her as she disapprove their incorrect application. Sometimes she got a phone call in the middle of the night forcing her to process the administration form that due the next morning. No, I’m not falling in love with her, I just adore her professionally.

Today ends as we had an unplanned-simple-but-nice dinner and some casual talks till elevator ride ended and did us apart.

After all it was really nice to know her.

#exo #fanfiction #thoughts #jongdae #sehun #oneshot

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