#i do kind of wish i could go but id have to ask my mom which is such a hassle 😒😒

[muirneach]

wagh my dad and stepmom are going to texas this winter and theyre taking the TRAIN if i didn’t have responsibilities and also liked texas i would gooo cause that sounds like the fucking dream. unfortunately going to hang out with trump supporting old people for new years is not my idea of a good time (not a reflection on texas many texans are perfectly fine just what those specific people we would see are like)

#theyd go from here to chicago (HELLO chicago train mutuals there is a lot of u) and then down to san antonio #i do kind of wish i could go but id have to ask my mom which is such a hassle 😒😒 #and also yes the people we would see.. not a huge fan #god but i love the train so much. i literally would not go if not for the train #trains

[gloriousvermin]

Dear dad, I had always thought you were a pretty cool guy. You listened to good music, you knew how to do everything. Recently though I've released that I don't remember ever feeling loved. I remember times when I was even younger than I am now, where you were forceful with your children. They would scream and cry that you were holding too hard and you would tell them to quit crying. Those days are over now but you seem to have forgotten to guide them.

I know that when I was afraid I didn't trust to ask you for help. I know you never prepared me life. You taught me skills I didn't want they may never be useful to me now that I never go on trips to the mountains. I know that one day you told me you were proud of who I was becoming and I scowled

I remember you told me I was good enough when I wasn't and got angry when I was right and I couldn't do it

I know id rather you just leave me alone now instead of trying to be a part of my life.

I know I hear songs of people talking about their parents in ways I never could and wish it wasn't so

I think you are a fool and can't tell your kids you love them

Dear mom, I remember so very little of how it used to be but I know you made me go to church and youth groups and get very mad when I didn't memorize verses or didn't want to go. Honestly I wish I had more to say about what I remember about you, but I don't and I think that speaks more than I ever could.

I may not remember much of them but now I know you tell me to be better than humanly possible as encouragement. I know you strip away the few things that bring me happiness the second I don't measure up to my reputation. I know you yell at me for not trying and then tell me I'm better than I am. I know you told me you might as well slit your wrists when I said I didn't know if you love me. I know you don't let me ever oppose you. I know you raise your voice everyday. I know you let the youngest waste their youth just like I did. I know you told me that I don't get to choose.

Do you remember when I took pre algebra over the summer and cried because I didn't do it perfectly? Do you remember how you told me to just be better and do it anyway?

And to both of you, I know you have no respect for your childrens privacy. Remember when you let me find out that my sister was cutting herself? I'm certain she didn't want her brothers knowing that. Remember when your first son tried to commit suicide? Remember when you told my other sister I was contemplating self harm? I didn't want her knowing that. Remember when you told me a slip in grades and disinterest in education was a sign of mental issues as if I didn't know that I was sad?

Remember how you complain so much about your "daughter" that stays in "her" room all day and then make fun of "her" when "she" leaves? Or how you ignore that "she" clearly has some kind of anxiety disorder. And what about all the children who are so clearly disturbed in your home?

Did you ever notice how you never pay attention to us until we are the oldest?

Dear mom, dear dad

You had too many kids and I don't think you can care for a single one

#vermins thoughts #vermin wrists

[butlersbabe]

Good Man’s Land– Cowboy!A.B. x Reader

a/n: hiii my sweet loves! i appreciate all the love and support! only one more part!! i’m working on requests! please be understanding with me, i move to college tomorrow! this week i will seem very transparent but i really hope to post as much as i can! i really cannot express the amount of thankfulness i have for ALL of you!

warnings: SMUT!! minors please please please DNI. swearing, pet death, fire. this one is kinda angsty.

w/c: 3.7k

part three 🌾

Part IV.

You ran a stick of brownish lipstick across both of your lips. Rubbing them together, you pick up a brush and relax your curls that you’d done earlier but let them sit so they’d stick a bit more. Granted, you had no hope in them but you’d look cute for at least an hour. You wore a cute pair of bell bottoms and a striped tube top. Papa cleaned your nasty boots for you but you didn’t exactly tell him why you’d asked him to. Unplugging the curler and cleaning up your vanity, you give one last look before going downstairs.

Austin waits on the couch in the living room and whistles when you finally stand in front of him. You smile and he grabs you hand and gives you a little spin before he speaks when his eyes are already saying. “Aren’t you just the prettiest cowgirl?” You grin and hum, “Well I’ve got the most handsome cowboy, so it’s fitting.” You receive a kiss on the cheek from him and he turns you so that the both of you can leave. Mama and Papa were already winding down, which meant you both were free to do virtually anything you wanted. There was a church but they could skip if they played their cards right. But they shouldn't get in much trouble even if caught. You take the passenger’s seat as Austin hops into the driver’s and starts the 68’ Ford F-150, taking off after a few seconds. The sun was coming down and painted a beautiful gold scene on anything it touched. His hand found its way onto your thigh, making you smile as you glance out the window.

It was about a 15 minute drive to Marfa, 5 minutes to the restaurant. That left a bit of time for talking, getting to know one another. You found out he has a sister, Ashley. He was born on August 17th. He hates cookie dough ice cream, and his favorite color is blue. You also found out that he lost his mom a while back too…You were hesitant to admit the same thing, you didn’t want to make him feel like you were downplaying his near identical loss. But you told him about yourself, how you played soccer for 6 years as a kid, took up ballet for a day, cried and didn’t go back, how you used to spend summers with Mama and Papa. You even told him about the one time you couldn’t get out of the tire swing and peed your pants because you were so upset. Then you talked about your dad, how he worked as a dispatcher and was kind of a freelance worker, and you talked about your mom. How she was the sweetest lady on earth and you wished to be like her one day. You didn’t necessarily mention her death but Austin took notice.

Arriving at Planet Marfa, he tells you to wait in your seat before he could run around the front of the truck, to your side and open the door. “Let me get this for you, darlin’.” he says. You scoot out and thank him, granting him a kiss on the cheek. He closed the door and you hook your arm around his and enter the venue. There was live music playing and lights were strung all over the “beer garden”, as Austin could best describe the place. You both took a seat at the only table that seemed empty and awaited a server. The waitress, she said you could call her Trixie, asked what you were having and Austin ordered nachos for the table. After showing her ID’s, you both ordered drinks. A Corona with lime for the blonde boy, and you just got a rum and coke. The nachos and drink came to the table after only about five minutes, you were impressed with the quality of the food. The drinks were good too. You really enjoyed the music, the atmosphere, everything. You two talked and laughed, the date was near perfect.

Back at home, you and Austin find a couple more beers to crack open. He sat at the table while you stayed standing, grabbing a glass of water along with your alcohol. “I’m gonna have to take you dancing, I’m sorry I didn't take you out on the floor.” He apologizes, you shrug. “It’s okay,” you say, taking a sip of your cold water. “I’m not much of a dancer. The best I can do is sway and pray.” He stands and pushes the chair in then starts tapping at his phone.

“Well let's get to swayin’ and prayin’ then.” He clicks his phone off and sits it on the counter. “Rainbow” by Kacey Musgraves begins to play and he leads your arms to wrap around his neck and his own find comfort on your hips. You both begin to sway in sync. He gives you a dorky smile, you roll your eyes then lay your head on his shoulder, his head following to lay on yours. You two let the song play while you slow dance in the dimly lit kitchen. He softly hums along to the tune. One of your hands gently drag your nails wherever they could reach.

Austin holds you like you’d leave the second he let go. His grip on you was never painful but it was so secure. And you felt so at home in his arms. Like you’d been longing for this feeling from another person for as long as you could remember. You’d been in a few relationships but never had such a good connection. It was a new feeling. It made you a bit nervous. Your heart was beating so hard you were sure it’d leave a dent in the blond’s own chest.

Both pairs of boots scuffle across the wooden floors, denim against denim. The ending of the song comes too soon, he spins you and gives you a dip. Finishing, you fall apart from each other. He stands in front of you and places a hand gently on your face and slowly his face gravitates towards yours, a single hand still on your hip. The pitter patter of rain starts to tap the tin roofing, it gets harder by the second. But you swore you could only hear Austin’s breathing. He must’ve been nervous too. That’s probably why he didn’t take you out on the dance floor.

His lips were inches away before you both heard creaky footsteps finding their way to the kitchen and you both pulled away before anyone could see anything. “What in tarnation are you two doing? Go get in bed.” Mama asks, her hair back in a ponytail and her muumuu wrinkled.

You both chimed “Yes, Ma’am.”

Something told you to go stay with Austin that night. You didn’t want sex, but you wanted to be next to him. You weren’t ready to have tonight end just yet.

You turn your light off and your feet take you to Austin’s room as quietly as you could. He was already in bed, lights off and everything. So you just climb into bed with him. You throw the covers on and fit into his arms. He wakes up for a second but doesn’t fret. “What's going on, pretty girl?” He asks. “Nothing, just felt like having a sleepover.” He nods, “I’d like that.” And he pulls you in and sleep finds you.

You wake up to Papa shouting. You shoot up from your spot in the bed and Austin hazily asks what you were doing. And then Mama’s shouting for the both of you. That rids Austin of any tiredness he had a split second before. You and Austin jump out of bed and race downstairs and slip your boots on. The scent of burning hay, wood, and whatever else fills your nostrils. You fly out of the door to see the chicken coop, pig pen, and part of the stables engulfed in angry orange flames. Your heart stopped beating for damn near the whole 10 seconds that you stood on the porch in shock.

Austin brings your back from your paralyzed state and hurries off the porch, out to the pen and stables, you follow him. Papa and Mama are already letting the horses out. Austin opens the coop and rushes Hank to heard the chickens out. Though old and tired, Chuck is already at work with the hogs. You grab the garden hose and start to spray the fire as much as possible. Austin takes the chicken’s water bucket and pours it on the hay that was set ablaze, taking most of it out then stomping on the rest.

Papa hollers at Mama to get water from the inside and throw it on the pigpen hay. The stables grew even more burnt by the second even though you were spraying it with water. Nothing seemed to be going out. Austin runs to shut the gate even though the cattle guard did a lot of the work on its own.

Papa takes the hose and gets closer to the fire and starts to lessen the burning. “Go help Mama.” He demands, you take off into the house and begin to fill a bucket with water that sits next to the counter that’s usually for eggs. After it is filled, you struggle to take it out and throw it on the fire.

Chuck was a good dog. He always listened. But when you hear Austin screaming at the dogs to get back from the flames, it stumps, and honestly broke your heart, when Chuck didn’t listen. He ran straight into the pigpens which meant there was probably still livestock. And you hated that Chuck was such a good dog. He knew his job was to clear out all the animals. And he was doing his job.

“Chuck!” You screamed, dropping the bucket. You ran as fast as your legs could go. “Chucky! Get out of there!” Your voice wailed, tears starting to stream down your face. “Y/N!” You suddenly feel strong arms holding onto you, picking you up and then dropping you to your knees. Of course it was Austin, he couldn’t stand seeing you get hurt. So he did as any good cowboy would do, he told his cowgirl to stay back while he went to find your dog. All the while, Hank barks and pleads for someone to save his best friend.

Within minutes, Austin walks back out, Chuck’s lifeless body in his arms.

“No!” Your scream was bloodcurdling. You rush to Austin and the cow dog. He places him on the ground and Chuck just flops to the ground. “Mama! Papa! Help!”

Mama quickly came over and felt for a pulse, breath, anything. Nothing was working. Her watery eyes look at yours and she shakes her head. You break down, laying on the sweet, loyal dog. “Goddamnit.” You cry, tears falling from your eyes. You couldn’t do anything but cry over your dog.

“Deanna! I need help!” Your papa shouts, and you look up to see Hank whining over your and Chuck’s body. Austin and Mama run to him and start to help.

Then, you felt a droplet on your head. And another. Another. It starts raining. You look over at the fire, the hard rain makes it shrink at an incredible pace. Until it’s out and Papa drops the hose. And Mama starts shouting praises to God. But you were almost positive Chuck was the one who made it rain. The three came back to you, everyone was crying. Papa laid a hand on your shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Poppy. He was a good dog.” You breathlessly sob over his body until Austin pulls you off of him, you shake your head begging that he left you with the dog. That you wanted to wait and make sure he was going to wake up. “C’mon, Y/N. Let’s go back inside.” Unwillingly, you went back inside and took a tearful shower and went back to bed, curling into a ball, crying yourself to bed.

You all had a short and sweet service for Chucky that rainy morning before church. He was buried underneath the tree that he would chase you around as a child. The tire swing that once hung wasn’t there anymore. Instead, a small wooden cross staked into the ground. It had a small epitaph written on it with a chunky sharpie.

Good Boy, Chuck. 2008-2022.

You didn’t bother doing makeup that morning. Austin held onto the whole day. You couldn’t get through the service without crying. Mama was crying the whole time too. You had gone out to the car half way through. The sermon was about how there was a place for all of us after we die. And although you weren’t sure about your religion, you hoped Chuck went to that beautiful place they promised there was.

You knew things at home wouldn’t continue the same. There was a lot of rebuilding to be done and though it wouldn’t take much for the stables to be boarded up and painted. And the pens for the pigs and the chickens wasn’t a big deal. Everything just felt so heavy.

You were washing up the plates from lunch when you feel a pair of strong arms come around your waist and a head rest on your shoulder. “Are you okay?” You nod because that felt easier. It felt a lot easier than explaining how your childhood was wiping out a lot quicker than you had liked it. You were being forced to grow up without a reminder of what a lovely childhood you’d lived.

“Are you sure?”

“No. But I can’t keep crying. I’m so tired of being sad.” Your lip wobbles.

“Then let’s do everything we can to make sure you’re not sad anymore. Let’s be happy, okay? The sun isn’t out but it’s raining. And rain helps the crops and there are puddles we can jump around in.”

You laid down the dishes and wrapped your soapy hands around Austin.

“I’m really lucky to have you. Please don’t leave me?” He says and it didn’t feel out of place. Just…unexpected.

“I never will.”

Finally, it’s the evening. The rain had seemed to stop and it became warmer. You and Austin take Elvis and Jagger down to the pond to let them frolic while you two sit and talk about whatever was on your mind. You laid back on the plaid quilt while Austin skipped rocks across the lake. The setting sun smooches your skin with its golden glow as much as it could through the wandering clouds. You wore a little sundress you’d been hoarding for months, Austin said the color was a good one on you. You listened to anything this boy said. It amazed you. The way you were so infatuated with this soul. The wind whistles as it passes by you to say hello. Against the gusts, Austin’s music played off his phone. Just a bunch of country oldies, Chris Stapleton, George Strait, Johnny Cash. All that jazz, it was his favorite. And quite honestly, it was becoming yours too. Your eyes fall shut under the impression you’d take a nap while Austin did whatever it was he brought you both out here to do.

“Y/N.” The boy plops down next to you. You roll on your side, propping your head up with your hand, the boy mirroring you. “Hi, lover.” You smile, cupping his face with your free hand. “We need to head back soon.” You remind him of the time. 7:42, your phone displayed last time you checked. “We don't have to go back just right away, right?” He asks, giving your wrist a gentle peck. You take that hand and tuck a piece of hair behind your ear that was blown into your face.

He leans in to give you a kiss that lasts at least 25 seconds. He pulls you in, you now laid on your back. Your heart was racing after he kissed you again, this time with tongue and you knew he wanted more. You did too.

His lips attach to your neck, sucking soft pretty pink marks that were almost invisible into your tender skin. His free hand finds the hem of your pulling it up just enough to reveal your panties and he plays with the band, wanting to break through. You prop your legs to give him more room. His lips litter chaste kisses across your chin. His fingers migrate towards your heat and back up to your belly that rose and fell with your shaky breaths.

Austin lets a deep breath out and his hand finally breaks the barrier between you and him. He looks at you for confirmation. You nod. Two fingers divide your folds and they rub tiny gentle circles into your clit. A huff exits your body, your eyes closing. Austin’s lips gently suck at your neck again, the pace picking up, pressure starts to build in the pit of your stomach. You let out a whimper that could only be described as desperate. Desperate for more than this.

His fingers dance along your clit while you writhe, your voice calling out his name every other second. Austin speeds his pace, making you lose control of your legs. They shake while the wind plays with your dress. You prop back up when you feel the sensation becoming too much to handle. You gasp and moan until your climax runs through your whole body. A sound that Austin would later call “the most heavenly thing” left your lips as you trapped his hand between your legs. You grab his wrist, pulling it away. He smiles at you in your hazy state.

You eventually grinned back, the quiet thunder woke you from your open eyed rest. You reach over and push him to his back and settle between his legs. Stretch and begin to pluck the buttons of his shirt until his chest is on full display. You both giggle at the deed that was being done, unbuckling his belt. With his help, you pull his jeans and boxers to release his painfully hard dick. You take it in your hand and lick the length of his cock, taking the tip in your mouth once you reach the top and swirl your tongue around it for a few seconds. Taking the rest into your mouth, you place your hands on his thighs, gripping them. He lets out a filthy moan, a hand grasping the picnic blanket.

“Fuck, Y/N. Feels so good, baby.”

You suck hard and bob quickly, trying your best to get a good reaction out of him. You knew he was feeling good from the way his hips would buck to help the tip of his penis meet the back of your throat. He was close, very close. He grabbed your hair as you let off with a wet pop. Austin’s face contorts into a confused look. You stand as he sits up. You slip off your panties from under your dress and toss them.

You straddle Austin and slowly, you lower yourself onto his cock. You let out a sweet, soft moan over Patsy Cline sorrowfully singing about how she’s crazy over someone. Austin enveloped your waist with his arms, prompting you to move. You do the same to his neck, pressing the side of his face into your chest. Thunder cracks, but you two don’t care a bit. Your breath is heavy again as you roll your hips against his. He would push his pelvis into yours as much as he could without support behind him.

You both kept the pace slow, it was enough to get both of you off but that didn’t even seem like the point of the current moment. Just being intimate and so close felt like the only thing that mattered right then and there.

Soon enough the rate picked up. You couldn’t help but throw your head back in pleasure, whimpers falling from your lips again.

“I’m close, baby.” Austin hums into your shoulder. “Me too,” You said, panting.

“Austin! Y/N!”

You both froze.

“Dinner’s almost ready! Come inside before it starts to rain again! Bring the horses in too!” Mama’s voice rang out all the way from the house.

“Okay, coming!” Well, not now, you weren’t.

You both got up and made yourselves presentable, but you had one minor problem, you couldn't find your underwear. You searched around but gave up after 2 minutes, not wanting Mama to worry about you two anymore.

After calling the horses back to you, walking them back to the stable and taking care of all of that, you walk straight up to your room to change. Austin just sits on the couch with Papa and discusses rebuild details.

“I’m glad you and Austin get along now.” Mama says, chopping the potatoes up while you make gravy. You laugh, little did she know. “Yeah, he’s a good guy.”

“Papa! Can you come in here for a second?” She hollers from the kitchen into the living room. Shouting was her specialty. “Yes, ma’am?” Papa says, leaning against the counter. “Why don’t you tell Poppy the good news?” Papa smiles and crossed him arms.

“We’re buying you a place in Denver.” He starts, your breathing stops. “In the same place as your daddy. And we’re giving you money for a few month's rent and some groceries. I have a friend up there who just started a feed business and I told him about you and he said he’d love to give you a job in the office or hands on.”

You were caught off gaurd to say the least. “That’s great! Uh- I- Thank you!”

“Well, we’re just super proud of the work you’ve been putting in and we wanted to set you up and make sure you knew how much we appreciated all you’ve done.”

“Does Austin know?”

“He doesn’t yet but we don’t think he’ll mind being the only farmhand again.”

“Can I tell him?”

“Well, sure, kiddo.”

You nod and go on with cooking. You’re leaving. After such a short time with Austin. How was the timing always so bad?

#austin butler #elvis 2022 #austin butler x reader #austin butler fic #elvis x reader #austin butler imagine #elvis presley #elvis movie #austin butler elvis #cowboy!austin #austin butler x reader smut #austin butler x y/n #austin butler smut #austin butler fanfiction

[sips-tea-cutely]

Crush

“You make it difficult to not overthink”

a/n: this is embarrassing and yes based off of my real life (VI U KNOW WHATS UP) let’s hope lang ‘A’ will never find this HAHAHA. very very much ooc i just hv to get these gross feelings out of the way 💔💔👎👎

“well, hey there everyone! id like you all to meet miss nishimura! a wonderful lady i met on the street who wanted to check the agency out!” dazai announced hand in hand with a woman with straight brunette hair up to her hips. “dazai, you can’t bring women to the agency just because they want to, that’s an abuse of power!” kunikida yelled, “should i remind you how dangerous it is to be around the building let alone inside?!?!” he groaned, sitting back down.

“kunikida, please! it’s been a two weeks since atsushi and akutagawa fought fitzgerald, i’m sure yokohama is safe for now” dazai smiled and started bringing nishimura around the building. “that dazai… seriously, there should be a rule that just completely restricts him from dating ever!” kunikida sighed out, half joking.

“haha! that’s true kunikida, dazai is a true enemy of women.” you laughed, laying a sheet of paper over with a pile of finished paperwork. “hm, well, say s/o, do you have a boyfriend?” atsushi spoke out. “…” you sighed thoughtfully, thinking of what to say. “no i don’t, but i do have what might be a crush? i’m still not sure…” you muttered.

“really?” kunikida’s head peaked from his desk. “what’s this guy like?” he asked, waiting intently for your answer. you sat stunned— kunikida who never had the time to engage in gossip stopped the swift moves of his fountain pen to listen to your love life. “well… he’s really kind but, he can be scary sometimes. a lot of people are afraid of him but he really is nice if you connect with him enough.” you looked around.

lying is fun… well, it’s not exactly lying, it’s a half-truth!! seriously, it is. it’s a fitting enough description for yosano isn’t it? its just— yosano as a dude. “scary, hm? i don’t see why people would like him based off of your description…” kunikida looked at you, judging your taste in (wo)men. “he’s not all that bad, i swear! it’s just something that he personally calls tough love, he really is a sweet guy if you get to know him.” you weakly try to defend yourself.

“c’mon atsushi!! i need back-up!!” you look to your right. “s/o, i could definitely see this guy as a best friend, but as a boyfriend? i don’t think he’s right for you— or at least healthy for you.” you groan in response, unable to form any sort of defense. “guys, i promise he’s much more appealing when you meet him in real life!”

“then can we meet him?”

“…what”

“you said yourself he’s more tolerable face to face— so can we meet him?” haha fuck. “guhhh…” you childishly whine at the hole you dug yourself into. “you’re not my mom or dad! i don’t have to bring him for you to approve. plus, he isn’t even my boyfriend yet!!!” you scowl, turning your chair away from them. “then can we at least get an initial? i will find out who it is myself.”

mind; a blank. if you said it was a guy and you said yosano’s initial, A. they might still find out!.. the nickname you’ve given to yosano might be a bit obvious but not as much as A(kiko Yosano). “S, his initial is S.”

“satoshi!” atsushi raised his voice an octave. “what? no! who’s that…” you stare dumbfounded at your junior. “ah, i was just thinking of names…” atsushi shied away, embarrassed.

“i’m not gonna tell either of you!! really!” you announced. atsushi’s embarrassment died down as he laughed it off before he looked back at kunikida. “let’s respect s/o’s wishes and not look into it, okay?” kunikida sighed, letting the matter go (for now), albeit hesitantly.

it’s embarrassing, so embarrassing. you have the hardest, fattest, horrendously down bad crush on the agency’s medic, akiko yosano. you just wanna be her girlfriend so badly, you wanna kiss her until you disappear, kiss her until her lipstick is all over your lips.

of course, you might be delusional, but it doesn’t mean you’re naïve. the fantasy of being akiko’s, and spending your every hour of everyday, with her hand glued to yours is a dream (no, literally, the dream you had last night). but there’s no way to envision a future with her. with your schedules, her plans for the future and yours, a relationship is just off the table.

“s/o, really— ask anything. i told you i’d tell you anything you wanted to know about me.” is it overthinking? is it purely platonic? ignoring every sound to gaze at her checking her matte shaded nails and looking at the time once in a while,

‘“sho, that’s— what the hell?!?!’ you frowned as she laughed, her thin lips parting to make a grin. “it’s not funny! ugh, i hate you!..” you pouted (SATIRICALLY). “aha! i love you too, s/o.”’

“hm… s/o, everyone left?” akiko’s low yet melodic voice noted. looking around, everyone disappeared “are you about to go shopping, sho?” she smiled endearingly. “ah, you know me so well!.. let’s go?”

#mod maki #bungo sd #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungou gay dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd x reader #akiko yosano #yosano akiko #yosano akiko x reader #akiko yosano x reader

[beyondxmeasure]

Which plant is your favorite favorite? I'm guessing you have a green thumb but is there any plant you have not been able to successfully care for that you which you could? Are you plants indoor or outdoors.

I have a mix of both indoor and outdoor. Currently everything that I can bring in is inside though because of the cold. I'm kinda sad my fruit trees haven't given me any fruit yet. But my neighbors share their figs and oranges. I have a eucalyptus plant that went kinds crazy this year.

Asking me which plant is my favorite is like making me choose between my children. So I’ll choose my top four…

My spider plant…

She’s one of my newest. And yeah, she’s a basic bitch but I love her. So many plant bloggers say they’re overrated or can be a pain to care for. Like they dry out or leaves get brown super easily. But she’s been nothing but perfect and so low-maintenance since I got her. Look at how beautiful…

🌿🌿🌿🌿

(One of my Micans babies)

I have a philodendron Micans which I absolutely adore. My oldest girl, Ive had her for nearly two years now. The velvety green leaves, how easy she grows. I’m growing three new baby plants from loads of propagations Ive collected over time. But she got cranky after being moved to a hanger in my bedroom, so we’re having a bit of a rehab moment. I’ve relocated her back to the window she used to be in and crossing my fingers that she will bounce back.

🌿🌿🌿🌿

I also love this new gal I just picked up a few weeks ago. She’s a fussy gal though, so it’s taking me some time to get her adjusted. She started out with loads of long luscious tendrils, but once I got her home everything started dying. So, another touch and go situation… but after giving her an extreme makeover (ie pruned the shit out of her and got a million new propagations) she’s on the mend.

🌿🌿🌿🌿

(My wee Birkin babes)

My Birkin bestie! When I started my plant collection, she was one of the plants in my first purchase. We had some rough times and I nearly lost her. Had to send her off to my mom’s for rehab. After a few months of new scenery she was back to her thriving self. She’s doing so well that last week I was able to propagate… I divided her into three and now I have two bouncing baby Birkins. I’m already seeing new growth.

🌿🌿🌿🌿

I think calling my thumb green would be a little too generous, but maybe I just don’t want to jinx it. Haha!

Although Ive had pretty decent luck overall with my plants, I have definitely suffered some losses. I tend to acquire in spurts. I have a running wish list and will buy several at a time. My first purchase two summers ago started with one plant, then I went to Home Depot for supplies and came home with 16 more. Over the course of the next few months I lost all but four…

Since then a small handful of others have come and gone.

Unfortunately my environment isn’t the most hospitable. I live in a small condo without a lot of windows. So I have a large plant stand fitted with grow lights and the rest go in my bay window in my bedroom. In the summer time I have huge flower planters and window boxes for my balcony and I relocate about half of my plants outside for the season. But I live in New England so I can’t have anything outside year round.

🌿🌿🌿🌿

I’m jealous, Nonny! Id love to be able to have fruit trees or any trees or plants outside. Figs sound amazing! You’re lucky. I had a pretty big vegetable garden that I maintained at the restaurant I used to be a chef. I really wish I had space to grow veggies or herbs again.

Id love to know where you are that you have fig and orange trees year round. Do you put the fresh eucalyptus in your shower?

#ask me anything #anon ask #asked and answered #plantblr #indoor plants #favorite plants #Cy gushes about plants

[goremet-chef]

vent/rant

its so fucking ABSURD man. "whats with the attitude?" you want me to kill the mood even more? want me to say im depressed cuz my cat is dead and i didnt even realize that on the 21st, that would be the last time id ever see her again? is that what you fucking want?

its so NON EXISTANT to EVERYONE, it means fucking nothing to them!!! how could you care so little, just because we didnt live with her? she was the last remnant of my home. a home free of yelling and violence and blood, home where my friends live, home where i was safe and now shes gone, she was the last one. i thought i had longer with her, at least with riley i got to say goodbye properly

the same thing happened with domino, when i was younger. i felt so betrayed that they didnt even let me say bye to him, i feel a similar anger now.. but i live 2 hours away, there was no convenient way for them to let me do that. i think just..

the SUDDENNESS of the decision is what breaks my heart. she didnt know she wasnt gonna wake up ever again, she probably had no idea what was happening and its. its not like i wanted to see her die, the same way we watched riley get worse until we realized there was no saving him and he wasnt gonna get better, but.. was there really nothing we couldve done? nothing at all? was euthanasia the ONLY course of action? maybe we could have saved her, but its too late now. it doesnt matter anymore

im still kind of in denial, honestly.. it doesnt feel real. some part of me thinks it was a sick joke from my sibling. i know its not, i know its real, but with how everyones acting like it didnt happen at all, you couldnt blame me for feeling that way. part of me really hopes it was a joke but. i know if i ask ill just get confirmation that it wasnt

i wish i was there at least. that way i wouldnt be stuck in this limbo of thinking its not real. i know when riley was put down, id still go to my grandmas room and go to the living room at night somewhat hoping that he'd be there when i looked, but of course he never was. one time i was zoned out and i subconsciously reached over to pet him and feeling time stop when i froze and saw i was reaching for nothing, it hurt so fucking bad, it still hurts so fucking bad man. looking up and seeing the little box he was inside, it fucking sucks i hate this so much

i wish i was there, because at least my grandma gets it. those were her cats, have been for years. she always played it off like they werent because technically artemis and riley were OUR cats, but my mom lost her home and my grandma took us in when i was like.. 8 or 9. and she decided to go back and get them for us. im so grateful she did, because they wouldnt have lived as long as they had out there.

she gets it, because she loved them too. my mom didnt love them. my brother didnt love them. my older sister literally just completely abandoned and probably forgot about riley, who was HER cat. i remember he used to attack my feet from under the bed, when i was a little kid. the only one who came close to loving them like how we do was my oldest sibling, and even still he doesnt seem sad about it at all. like i know hes sad cuz he loved her but he rarely ever saw her, it was more like a passing claim of "oh, thats my cat", yknow?

my grandma gets it. i know she knows its really hard for me. it was so hard when domino was gone. when riley was sick, she tried to be lighthearted about it and even when i saw him for the last time, and we were both crying, she told me to say bye to him in kind of a goofy voice. i know she doesnt want to see me hurting like that, and it was kind of dreadful at the time, but im really glad she let me say goodbye to him, because it was a goodbye i meant. it wasnt "goodbye, see you later", it was the real one and i didnt get to give that to arty. i just said bye like normal, because i thought shed be okay! i thought whatever was wrong with her, we could fix. i cant believe it was so cut and dry

and i cant stand it here, they dont have and kind of sympathy, i think my mom doesnt even KNOW that i know. which means she just didnt plan on telling me at all. even my sibling was confused as to why she wouldnt have. its like they cant fathom why id be sad for more than a day or two, but i loved her! i fucking loved her, i loved all of them

i dont believe in the afterlife, but part of me wants to believe that they can at least know how much i miss them, how much i love them. its the only sort of comfort i have, even if i dont really believe it. i hope they can hear me cry and they know that its because i love them so fucking much and i want to see them again

it doesnt help that, exactly like when riley was put to sleep, im having dreams about her. dreams where shes dead, but im hallucinating her and i can see her again and im petting her and its so real.. shes there in my head and everyone around me tells me "its not real" but i dont even care! i dont care if its not real, because seeing her is enough. arty, i love you so much girl, im so fucking sorry we couldnt do anything. im sorry to riley too, and domino, and talcum. im sorry marceline, im sorry ellie. i know its not my fault, there was really just nothing we could do, but man i wish that wasnt true

they lived their whole lives with us, which is why its so crazy to me that most of my family doesnt really care. no one is gonna remember them, so ill drown myself in the grief just to honor their memory, because they deserve to be cried over. they deserve to be missed, to have someone who loves them after everything. their loss should be mourned, how could i think back on their whole lives and do anything but? i know people say "oh, remember the good times! they wouldnt want you to be sad" but the good times are gone. crying affirms the fact that i loved them and ill keep loving them until im dead too, because they deserve that

#pet loss #tw pet loss #pet death #tw pet death

[an0theralien]

Wrote this in 30mins. Trans girl essay rant time 😎

•

•

Sometimes, I think about what will happen later. It's the kind of thing I try to avoid thinking about a lot, the idea that someday my parents will know that I'm trans. As I enter my senior year, this fear is consuming me entirely. My graduation will be at the end of this year, but what will they use as my name? I'll be going by Emma with my friends, and either E or Emma with my teachers. But my parents will still only see me as my deadname, because I have yet to tell them anything. I know what the result will be if I do tell them, they will refuse it. They will argue that I'm still a child, that Its a phase or that I'm just not sure who I am. I've been out to friends as trans since the 7th grade, that's 4 years so far. Obviously, I don't deny the possibility that maybe, someday, it could change. As slim of a chance as it is if that were to happen I would change on my own terms. I wouldn't do it because I was told to, or because some god told me to.

  Recently, I've met this girl who's going to be at the school I'm moving to next year. She's genuinely the sweetest person I've ever met. We've texted for a while but we recently did meet in person. It was randomly, she just texted me asking if we could get frozen yogurt at 9pm one night. It's the first time I've been out after dark with friends (I know 17 years old and this is the first time I've been out after dark?? I'm kind of an introvert.) It turns out we live extremely close to one another, like a few streets away close. We plan to hang out a lot more now, and she's been telling me about different people in the friend group that I will be joining once I get to this school.

  When we talk, I stop worrying about things for a while. She's genuinely beautiful, like STUNNING. And I'm crushing so hard, but trying to play it cool. I've told her about my situation at home, and she offered for me to live with her once I turn 18. 18 would be halfway through my senior year, I'd be leaving my parents before they even saw me graduate. But should I really give them that? I won't lie and say everything is horrible in my home, my parents genuinely do love the idea of me that they have. I would love to say that they truly love me, myself, the true me, but I know that it just isn't true. They are extremely transphobic people, and they don't keep it hidden in the slightest. Up until now I've said that my escape would be college, I would go to college and I'd never have to worry about seeing them. But now, there's an opportunity calling for me. Obviously I'd have to meet her mom, and ensure that she genuinely is okay with it. But if she is, and if this type of thing was really available to me, I think I might take it.

  Beforehand I would have to make sure my car was registered in my name and not my dad's, or abandon my car. I'd have to pick what things I want to take with me and what I would keep at home. I obviously wouldn't be able to take much either way, but with a car id be able to take a lot more. Without I'd have to really limit myself. I've imagine the idea before, of what it would be like after I left. I would have to call the non emergency line, and explain to them that I was not kidnapped, but rather chose to leave as a legal adult. My parents would probably spam text and call me, my siblings as well. I might tell my sister, and my brother, but only to calm their nerves.

  I could imagine my mom crying, my dad screaming. I could imagine my little brother crying as well, wishing I would come home one day. He wouldn't realize that there was a reason I left. My phone plan would get cut off as soon as they found out how to do so, but since I paid for the phone (I'm hoping) they won't try to take it from me or contact the police claiming it to be stolen. That's the issue I've encountered with a lot of the things I own, it's the reason I've started buying everything myself. That way when I leave they can't try to claim I stole these things. Someday I imagine, (if I take the car) they would see my car parked outside her house. They might try to show up and talk with me. My mom would cry begging for me to come home. My dad would threaten her mother. He would probably insist on me coming out, and wouldn't leave unless the police were called or I came out to talk with him. 

  Relatives, people I've never even thought about would probably contact me. They would beg me to come home, or I'd just get told that I was a worshipper of the devil and that I have taken the path to hell. I think the only relative I would try to get in contact with would be my half aunt. She and her husband seem to be really accepting people, which is why they are pretty looked down upon by the majority of my family. Theyve offered to me before that I could live with them after I turned 18 if needed. At the time I never saw it as anything beyond them being nice, but as I grew up I realized that they realized how bad the conditions could be at home due to my parents opinions and they were trying to leave a door open for me. I think they might be the ones I go to for support after I move out, wether that be as soon as I turn 18 or when college comes around.

  For now, despite all of this. I'm happy. I'm optimistic for my future for the first time in a while honestly. I know the career I want to pursue, and I know the college I want to attend. I know that it may be a pipe dream to hope that everything works out and I go to the college of my dreams, but right now to keep myself sane all I can be is optimistic. I've got amazing friends, I have a new school, a new job, new opportunities, and more. Someday I'll probably look back on all of this, who knows where I'll be then but to future me, you've still got this. Anytime you fall back into that pit that I always do, just know that this part of you, this optimistic side is always there.

#sorry for the rant #trans pride #transgender #transfem #chainsaw man #essay writing #emotional

[tears-of-boredom]

i want to be dead. but you know, in that passive way where its just kind of a fact. im pretty sure its just my womanly hormones talking but i really dont see myself ever getting out of this mud. metaphorical mud i mean. im like laying in mud, and sometimes i manage to stand up,, but you know, im still standing in it, and covered in it. and eventually i fall back down. you know i seemingly really like to make up stupid metaphors. i have no idea why, maybe it makes me feel smart.

im tired. tomorrow i have a driving lesson. my first one. ever. im not really worried for myself, i just feel like the teacher is going to be dissapointed in me or something.

ive been having annoying dreams. in the last one i was smoking with my sibling and i talked to them about how ive been having so many dreams where ive smoked. i hate that my dreams do that. reference other dreams as if they arent dreams themselves. makes it harder to wake up ya know. i wish id have a positive dream for once. amybe one about moving on my own and getting away from this family finally. or more like just getting away from mom. shes literally the only one i want to be away from.

ive been decorating my room. setting up shelves and buying trinkets from kontti. it kind of halted because i couldnt figure out why our nail gun wasnt accepting the nails i was putting in it, and then i couldnt find any other kind. and i didnt want to ask mom for help. and also i decided to do the net thing, which is the main thing, cuz ill hang shit from it. i guess i could hammer a hook into the wall for a painting...but the point was that ive been thinking about the fact that if i wanna move before im 18, all this decoration ive been planning wont have the opportunity to be up for that long. but also that was the reason that ive literally never felt comfortable decorating my room, even when the ones that were completely my own. and i decided that this time im not gonna make that mistake and just decorate if i want to, no thinking about how itll have to be taken down eventually.

anyways im just really sad, and i visited my sister recently and i was really close to crying just because her apartment seemed so safe and so much like it was hers. and i like really want that for myself. and im just sad. and i dont wanna go to the driving lesson tomorrow. not because i dont wanna go to the lesson itself, but because i feel like ill be like at my worst, and thus wont get that much out of it.

i really want to get out of this house. when we were moving, there was like two weeks where me and my brother spent the nights at this new apartment, while mom slept at the old one, just because our trips to school would be much shorter. and those two weeks felt like heaven honestly. i didnt even realise why i felt so good and happy, until mom started sleeping here as well, and all the joy drained from me in an instant.

i dont know how to express to the adults in my life how much i want to live on my own. because im just a child. a fifteen year old child. and living with a different adult wont work. it has to be alone. i can promise you that when i fucking get that apartment, no matter how small or shitty, i will cry tears of happiness and relief.

im hesitant to even type these words but: maybe i should talk to my mom about this. just tell her that i really want to move out. no feeling-sharing needed.

i wanna go skydiving without a parachute. soar through the air for the first and last time in my life.

i wish i could fly. ive wished that for a long time. i remember wishing it ever vacation i had to spend up north. and everytime i spent a recess alone in the school yard.

i hate that im crying just because im menstruating. it makes me feel like my emotions arent true. not like i trust my emotions to be true any other fucking time.

why is life like this. why do so many people get to live so easy lives and then i have to do this shit.

ohhkay i just felt the urge to go get a knife so im not going to feed my own anger.

im tired.

its weird because i do dissociate clearly, but its always more liek just, my body seems weird, and it feels realy creepy how my body just moves when i want it to. and i feel like im just watching through someone elses eyes. it cant be me whos so good at typing. im clumsy, i struggle with guitar chords and mute the wrong strings. why are my hands so soft. it feels really gross to be in this body. but still, in the back of my head i know that im ust making this all up in my head. because who the fuck else is this. of course its my finger that are typing my thoughts out.

even my fucking ring looks weird and foreign.why does my skin have a texture. why are humans os fucking gross.why do i have to feel things.

oh my god im driving myself into a fucking meltdown right down im going to force myself to stop.

#sorry #and i took off my glasses so i cant see my screen that well so im not fixing the typos.. #ew why does being a human feel so gross.. #tearful stuff

[jinkicake]

Okay hear me out,,,, I’ve been thinking about that Albedo fic NONSTOP like it was so *chefs kiss* like I can vividly see his expression and it will not leave my brain🥰 but it’s kazuha and Lucifer’s turn in the frontal lobe😔 so I’m like I would let them too. Like growing up really makes you think bc 7 years ago I was like “I don’t get how people are into degrading and humiliation🤢” and now mid 20s I get it!! Thinking about kazuha being an absolute menace and immobilizing me and doing whatever bc he would! He’s nothing if not a tease and the other 50% of the time he’s not pussy drunk he’s a sadist. Had a dream a while ago where we were drinking and he was like “you can take me or I can take you. I’ve been far and wide and have seen many things traveler” HES A SLUT🗣 wishing I could remember what happened in detail😔 but before I woke up he said “next time we meet you can bring the rope and tie me up” AMD I AM PATIENTLY WAITING FOR HIM TO ENTER MY DREAMS AGAIN!! Foaming @ the mouth thinking about running into him post sumuru with scaramouche trailing behind you dragging his feet like a brat🙄 he definitely gets lost and has to ask kazuha where the harbor is and he’s so friendly and kind they start talking but he hears his name and is like “damn we gotta trauma bond now I guess” and trIES TO FIGHT HIM WHICH IS SO FUNNY TO ME “to make amends for my sins I will let you fight me” scaramouche is so annoying 😭 looking for his stupid ass and running into kazuha post dream encounter and being like “🥺 omg hey I haven’t seen you since Inazuma bestie you want to help me w my daily comission?” If scara asks why isn’t he enough I mean… you got your anemo vision like a week ago kazuha has had his fro way longer… also he fought your mom I just trust him to be a quick thinker and bc I want to get my back blown out. And ik he’s a whiney little bitch and he can’t just tell me he was about to unload his tragic backstory unprompted bc he happened to run into a kadehara💀 but he’s like 6 steps behind bc pouting and rolling his eyes is his best quality but he’s noticing kazuha seems a little too friendly🤨 and he’s right! In my mind kazuha is the king of lingering touches but nobody will notice. Like his hand is on your waist for 10 seconds too long his face is a few inches too close to yours but like who would think he has devious intentions?(Beidou can smell it a mile away) so he’s definitely suspicious when we sneak off to a uninhabited corner of the teapot under the guise of me “showing him around” like honestly that’s his fault :/ if he don’t want to catch me riding kazuha until my legs give out he should have just stayed in the house😊 saw a comic that really confined his PETTY kazuha is ( “you know other men??” And he names off all the men that you know in alphabetical order) he would make direct eye contact w him and proceed to go deeper. You’re not flexible? Don’t worry you will be💕 will absolutely make your brain liquify in your skull while not even blinking. I will humbly extend scaramouche the invitation to join in🥰 like please give me a reason to not be able to do them daily commissions 😭😭 im tired of having to go place to place and then back to Katherine I need a vacation!! But gaslighting kazuha into being an even crazier yandere>>> like rip for them lmao im manipulating YOU. You think I’m shaking in my boots trying to escape meanwhile im thinking up how to make you worse🥰 relationship should be 50/50!! They’re obsessed w me and willing to kill my neighbors for being loud and I ride their dick and milk them dry until they’re drooling and trying to lift me off😌

which one?? the one i wrote?? hehehe

i get understand the luci forefront... i truly do like it's him and kaeya who are on my mind 24/7.... need them... i need them!!! sometimes it's mammon too but--- i dream about lucifer every night T T

NOOOOOO literally like years ago id be like 'ugh how are people into that' and now all i want is to make a big man cry teehee so i get it~

KAZUHA IS A SLUT I JUST KNOWWW ITTT LIKE he's been all over the world and you expect me to think that he hasn;t done shit before.... he's experienced and knows literally everything... i love him :-((((( im replaying the inzauma archon quest rn and am skipping all the scenes that don't have him in it looool ugh your dreams are so good it's not fair im jealous T T

gasp youre right like kazuha fought raiden and lived.... scaramouche was abandoned LMAOOOO... i think im gonna bench scara! kazuha youre coming w me to do commissions!!! but.... at the same time... i say bring both! bring both! fuck both! i like the idea of a scara kazuha threesome... thoughts???/

i like yandere kazuha we need more yandere kazuha why don't i get enough yandere kazuha!!!! :-(((

#sarahandoikawatalkshit #xiaos spicy almond tofu #kinda?

[thickest-antivirus-programs]

Tw vent

I think i hate my mom bc she made me think getting bullied meant i deserved to be bullied. I didnt mint being told off/having people be rude to me as long as it was only verbally that much as long as i had someone who liked me, but my mom insisted i need to be likeable and normal bc shes ableist with my autism, she was always sensitive to me getting into the slightest trouble or being involved in trouble even if its not my fault. Anyway i didnt mind someone thinking i was lame but i did mind about my reputation because my moms love was conditional based on it. Its hard to explain the cruelty to a middleschool bully so i dont blame them. I actually think its cool if noone thinks im normal and acceptable and they think im weird and impossible to tolerate. But it was awful to feel like im not doing what is being asked of me. "Everyone elses parrents must love their children so much because they dont get in trouble even if they do trouble things, because theyre good at getting away with things, they know what to say. Im the only one in my class getting bullied and caught and being clumsy at everything, my mom must be the most dissapointed mom in the class" because being liked on the surface level is a stupid endevour, and all the good offers and networking, or at least like 60% of the offers worth taking, are done at the deeper level, where id like to think people judge you fairly on a deeper level. I like to think if someone misjudges me they didnt have much to offer anyway. Being liked is a stupid endevour, but being loved by my mom, who has full control over me and can take things out on me for 5 more years if she doesnt like me (until 18 i thought. The truth is to escape home you also need money).. "For my mom i must be perfect, because she wants it and she thinks she can get it, she almost believes in me although its in a category i dont care about and based on complete ignorance" like i dont even know how she would know if im getting bullied. I guess she asked me how was school every day and she expected me to say okay and if i didnt she expected me to have an explanation. She didnt get angry if i didnt say things were okay but she did this thing where she felt guilty so she would ask what happened and then make sure she told be how it was my fault so she didnt feel responsible (Is that what too much empathy does to a person who choses not to be compassionate?) she also expected me to bring friends which i never did. Its fair, a kid should have friends. That parts fair. I wish someone explained to kid me what im doing wrong that makes kids not want to play with me that i could fix, because autism blah blah but we can still be taught how to be team players but it takes so much longer to figure out when it doesnt come naturally. I wish someone told kid me "when passing someone, pick a side where youre going and look there with your head to indicate thats the direction youre going to avoid collision" "when trying to say something on topic in a group without interrupting, wait until the person currently talking makes a small pause but not in the middle of a sentence" or idk "dont talk about living in a tower made of skulls during break or the other kids will be scared of you" idk what i needed but an adult should know that for me.. But they didnt expect a kid to need that kind of help bc most kids figure that stuff out on their own. Although i did get told that i should keep my shirt on when its hot outside or in PE bc im a "girl" which is stupid and unfair bc the boys took off their shirts. Anyways now that i dont care about being a socially acceptable person i can talk to other people who are also bad at this stuff and we dont even have to be aware we look bad to some ableist. But im still mad my mom expected me to be cool and likable as if thats what she sent me to school for, and that she made me feel like the bullies are right

#These feelings are very complex i hope the post was comprehensible

[amourology]

Hey there love

Please don't treat this situation as a little bump or something like that, I mean is your future we're talking about

Sure, it's a given that college is everything but easy, there are sacrifices, obstacles in the way, and the system itself, plus the people that are supposed to guide you are not exactly helpful or fair all the time. It can be a living hell, and it's something we gotta prepare ourselves for when we think about getting a degree

Still, what's more important here, is the part where you feel like it is worthy, even after all that stress and straight up agony you may feel in the way. If you're motivated enough to think "yeah, I guess the outcome is what will actually count in the end for me" then there's a reason to keep pushing

But if that's not the case, and you just keep thinking that there's something wrong with that path, then you're in all the liberty to take a step back and really think about your next move, whether it is to keep going, or prioritize your health and well being in another way.

Please keep in mind that your happiness should always be the number one priority here, and because of that, you don't even have to apologize for being inactive, please take care of yourself first, think about your future, and remember that no matter what you choose to do, we'll be here for you to talk with <3

hi lovely, i cant put into words how much i appreciate this message. i’ve really been struggling with this decision and haven’t really talked about it with anyone except for my mom. my mom didn’t finish her first degree choice either, and our family heavily judged her for it. its part of the reason why im so scared of making the same choice bc i know they’ll be absolute assholes about it :/

but idk i kind of…i dont know if its worth it? i’ve always been interested in the criminal mind and how it works and why they do the things they do and how i could perhaps help them get rid off such things/urges. turns out, that field is forensic psychology instead of criminology. really wished they’d told me that at the info event but hey, i could’ve dug deeper myself too.

so i started looking; are there any masters at my uni in this field? good news is, there is! im, however, not allowed to apply with a criminology bachelor. so i called a bunch of people, asking them if there’s a way i can apply regardless (perhaps even taking a couple of extra classes) but the answer stayed no, i cant apply.

so it kinda feels like the only option for me (if i really want to do what i’ve always set out to do) is dropping out & applying for the bachelor psychology in 2023. the application deadline for this year passed already, unfortunately, which means id have to take a gap year

who knows maybe it’ll help my mental health lmao — but yea idk im just kind of stuck, like deep-down i feel like i know what to do. im just scared to do it bc of my family and bc it’ll feel like i wasted two years of my life on this degree :/

#so sorry for the rant anon #you gave me the opportunity so i took it my bad lol #but thank you i really needed it #lizzie answers #lovely anon <3

[irishmoronn]

jour 31: 9 février

to start off, i figured i would try and type out my days since writing them physically hasn't really been going well. i've skipped many days in my journal and couldn't really keep up with sending texts of my days to mom and dad. i don't think i'm really going to censor anything but i'll just be vague when the situation calls.

so, today is friday. we don't have classes on fridays, so aia and i usually go to the ste claire market in the morning. today we went with pilar, who lives pretty equidistant to the tram stop as we do. on the way over we went to the atm round the corner by the tourist office, only to find that both of them were hors de service :( in any case, i tucked that away for later, because we went into the market and everyone got a tart. last week, i got a tarte aux fruits mélangée, but this week i saw the fraise one so i just had to get it.

we were kind of aimlessly walking around after getting our tartes, but then i remembered that trisha got weird pink tp and i've heard that dyes aren't safe in tp so i don't want to take chances. so i asked if we could go to the casino that was really close to look for regular white tp, and lo and behold, none!! contrary to popular belief, i'm finding it really hard to get a four-pack of regular white toilet paper. aia then suggested that there's a carrefour around here somewhere, so we set on our way for that.

we got a bit tied up at tower coffee for like two hours and i got really fatigued while we were there. it was almost 1, and we'd been out since 10:30, so i ended up eating my tarte. i really wish i had gotten a photo of it, but it's fine, i guess. it was really good and i miss strawberries. i haven't seen any like anywhere since i got them that one time at casino.

once we dipped from tc, we set back out on our journey to find this carrefour. get this-- there was regular, white, non-dyed, non-scented toilet paper! woo hoo!! i got a six pack, which i guess is fine, along with two sugarfree monsters (at 1,80€ each, which is astounding!! lowest price i've seen yet.), some apple juice boxes, and a small thing of haribo crocos (1,68€... the tabac ones, same size, are 2,20€!)

on our way back to victor hugo aia suggested i try the atm there while they looked for the nut guy by les galéries. they didn't find him, and i was able to withdraw some cash for the excursion tomorrow. money freaks me the fuck out, man. these exchange rates are crazy and i'm so weirded out because i can't get a job here even if i wanted to.

i sat in the bedroom for a bit after i got back, and then decided to make the rest of the ravioli that's been sitting in the fridge for a few days. i had that and then some of my salt and vinegar chips on the side for a late lunch at like 3:30 something.

sooo i'm continuing this from memory on dimanche 11 février bear with me

i don't really remember what i did in between late lunch and the evening, but at 7pm i met aia and waited for emilio and caleb in the lobby so that we could go to the tram for, get this, a showing of la la land at a local theater! it was scheduled for 7:30 but a) i wanted to see how the ticket process was like and if we could use our fancy newfangled student id's for discounts and b) i wanted to be early enough so that it wouldn't be sold out. unfortunately though, tickets were bought on kiosks. also, the showing was sold out! however there was one other showing in town that we decided last minute to go to as it was at 8pm and we were only like a 15min tram ride away.

once we got there, we discovered through the kiosks that the showing we initially were going to see was a VOST showing: version originale sous-titré, or the original version with french subtitles. the one we were at now was VF: version française, or dubbed french! personally, i was a bit excited, because this is one of my favorite movies and i really wanted to see it on the big screen. i didn't really care about the audio except for the music. however, emilio and caleb are both not the highest in their french proficiency (B1.1 and A2, respectively) but they were both willing to see it anyways, which i appreciated. caleb was the only one who hadn't seen it before, so i can only imagine what that must've been like to see it for the first time!

the movie was really good, and a bit weird in that the songs were actually their original versions, just subbed french. i guess the dub actors didn't want to sing lol. there was like a 20 minute portion at the beginning of some guy that runs the theatre talking about the movie and stuff... i don't know but i was really bored of him.

after the movie, and it was like 10:30 almost 11 by then, we decided to go get food at a burger place nearby called point b. i got a burger meal (burger, drink, fries) for just 5€! not too bad, and it was also tasty! we then rode the tram home and of course all the doors were closed and lights off so i called my grandma quickly before heading to bed.

[remain-uknowable]

Okay, im afab. I think im growing kind of a bit of beard. I have a family history of pcos, so that could be a sign. Or it's just cause im fat -\/('-')\/-. Which can also technically be a sign of pcos /:<. But... i also don't really mind it??? Like, i don't really mind the idea of having a bit of a beard. I only mind it when i think about being asked questions or people being weird about it... Im still questioning my gender.... i like going by all pronouns, though. The only reason I haven't really expiremented with masculine things before is im afraid I'll look too much like my dad and mom will stop loving me. I know that's not well founded but just id hate looking in the mirror and seeing my dad. Mom used to say i look like if he was a girl. If im always feminine, it spearates me from him. I like dressing and being feminine, though. I just... like the idea of branching out. Although i don't like thinking about or looking at my body very much, and i dread the idea of going clothes shopping or trying new things. I'd rather wear my clothes until they fall apart than go to be quite frank. It's expensive anyway. I don't belong there. It's super uncomfortable. Also gender expression doesn't equal gender. I know that. Im still questioning, though. It very much makes me happy going by all pronouns, though. So i will always do that. I don't know..... i don't think i would really care if i had pcos. I do kinda wanna know if i have it, though. But i think that may require a blood draw, and i hate those. I wish i could live in a world where there was a character creator, and i could just switch different gender options and see what it's like. I don't hate my agab. But... im not sure i feel it. I don't know if i feel like a gender. And if that's the case, then... how would i explain that? My family will not understand. They are loving and amazing. But they do not understand. They do not question thier gender to the extent i have. For several years, i have. Im going to wait till im an adult. Cause when im an adult mabye, I'll feel a bit more free to do whatever. And mabye ill look in the mirror and come to a realization one way or another. Mabye, im lying and confusing myself. I don't know anymore. I gaslight myself on everything. I don't even mean to. I have gaslit myself multiple times into believing i don't have adhd cause my symptoms aren't always visible despite having an extensive history and diagnosis with it.

Ehhhh im just thinking....... Gosh im not sure if i wanna post this??? Yeah this is going on my vent blog. I am not letting ANYONE see this

[evilgenderywizard]

tw cause im ab to talk ab a few deaths ive gone through

the last service i remember going to was for my grandpa. he was best friend in the world until then. he had bladder cancer and it had spread to his lungs and it was too late to do much about it. he had open heart surgery that he woke up from. he was barely even there but he let my mom and her mom know that he knew they were. shortly after waking up that day he had a heart attack that he did not survive. it was a wednesday just 3 days after i turned 9 when he died, and i had gotten to see him in the hospital on my bday and he gave me something that i cant even remember what it was. my dads mom told me that the surgery was successful but didnt say anything else. we went and picked up my mom from work and she sat with me in the back seat on the way home and told me he didnt make it. at the time i didnt know what i felt but i now know it was denial, she told me and i fake cried for a few minutes but otherwise i was all smiles. then the day of his memorial service came and i was unexpectedly asked to go up by his urn and say a few words, i had also gotten a ballon to release with a little note from myself tied to it. when i went up by the urn to put the rose by him i absolutely lost it. my face was soaked in tears of mourning and despair. i wish id have told him i loved him one last time. now anytime i leave a place where theres people that i love i have to tell them, just in case.

when i was 13/14 i was at walmart with my best friend at the time and we had gotten onto the topic of our old friend group from before i moved away. we'll call this girl K. me and K didnt talk as often as i wish we would have but she had met parts of my family before and somewhere i may even have a picture of her hiding in a tree while me her and another friend played hide and seek. my best friend at that time said she had died two years before the conversation. i stopped in my tracks. later that week i went online to find her obituary. she had overdosed because she couldnt handle being bullied at every school she'd been to. i always think about how easily that could have been me. we had some similarities especially with the ways we were bullied. some of the examples were people would make fun of our appearances or how we sang. she had the most angelic voice ive heard to this day. since i didnt know for two years i never got to go to the services. earlier in the year of her passing she had messaged me and we talked some. she told me she was in and out of psychiatric treatment centers. i wish i could have said goodbye and given her one last hug and had one last laugh. i always make sure to do that now.

my great aunt on my dads side passed in 2020 i never really knew the official cause. my dad had texted me one day that may and said she passed that morning. i called him and we talked. everyone knew it was coming just not when. he asked if i wanted him to pick me up to go to the funeral and i told him i wouldnt be able to handle it. i never went and i stayed at my friends house a couple more days so i could process my feelings. she was one of my favorite family members because she was always so kind, caring, and accepting of those around her or at least thats how i knew her. i grew up going to her house for almost every holiday. she had lost a leg a bit before her death due to health issues. i wouldnt say i regret not going to the funeral but i wouldnt say that i dont. she lit up any room she was in. i wish i could have visited her one last time.

today at my cousin's funeral was weird. seeing just vague parts of her through the crowd of people in front of me and out of everything i wish id have taken the time to know her and maybe then id know how im supposed to feel today.

Rest in Peace to all of my family members and friends and loved ones in the afterlife i wish i could have seen you one last time

[deeeelightfuldee]

Lasts:

1. Last Beverage?

I think water but it could have been diet coke. I drank both at the same time.

2. Last Phone Call?

I think my gram.

3. Last Text Message?

K asked me my plans for tonight. Which is peculiar for him!

4. Last Song You Listened To?

So good by halsey

5. Last Time You Cried?

A couple days ago. A lot going on emotionally, to say the least. But thats ok! Its going to get better.

Have You Ever:

6. Dated Someone Twice?

hehhe.

7. Been Cheated on?

yepppppppppp.

8. Kissed Someone And Regretted It?

No. im pretty dang picky about who i kiss.

9. Lost someone special?

Yes. 

10. Been Depressed?

Yes.

11. Been Drunk?

Lol yes

List Three Favorite Colors:

12. Bright pink

13. blueeeeeeeee

14. Hunter green

 This Year Have You:

15. Made New Friends?

Hmmmm. Yes i suppose so

16. Fallen Out Of Love?

Yes. err, mostly

17. Laughed until You Cried?

Of course.

18. Met Someone WHo Changed You?

This year? No. 

19. Found Out Who Your True Friends Were?

Yeah, i suppose you could say that.

20. Found Out Someone Was Talking About You?

Looooooool yep.

21. Kissed anyone on your friends list?

Idk what friends list this is referring to. 

22. How Many people on your friends list do you know in real life?

Like from tumblr? Just K

23. Do you have any pets?

Benny and Lottie

24. What did you do for your last birthday?

Mom, em, nathan, and hanna made it very special. C too. But it was a let down from K & Z.

25. What time did you wake up today?

I slept until 130am. Then was up til 3. Then slept til 445. Was up until 640. Then up at 8.

26. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Laying in bed.

27. Name something you CANNOT wait for?

Cold weather. Im dreeeeeeeeaming of it.

28. Last time you saw your father?

Ummmmmm.. In person? A year or so

29. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?

I would have real good income lol.

30. What are you listening to right now?

A christmas movie.  

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?

Yep. my old boss.

32. What’s getting on your nerves right now?

Lol some of the men in my life are just… a lot of work

You

33. What is your real name?

Diana

34. Zodiac Sign?

cancer

35. Male or Female?

Female.

36. Elementary School?

home

37. Middle School?

^^^

38. High School?

^^^^

39. Hair Color?

Dirty blonde naturally, dark brown now.

40. Long or short hair?

Lol mom was just telling me my hair is nearing my low back. Which is shocking. Guess i should cut it.

41. Height?

5′9

42. Do you have a crush on someone?

Somewhat yes

43. What do you like about yourself?

Im fun, kind, supportive, will go out of my way to leave someone/something better than i found it, almost always remain positive

44. Piercings?

Just ears

45. Tattoos?

none

46. Righty or Lefty?

Righty.

Firsts:

47. Surgery?

none

48. Piercing?

Ears when i was a baby

49. Tattoo?

none

50. Best Friend?

nea

51. Sport you joined?

soccer

52. Pet?

millie

53. Vacation you remembered?

Louisiana

54. Concert?

Country thunder

55. Crush?

chris

 56. Alcoholic Drink?

Champagne 

Right Now:

57. Eating?

Nothing, but should make something as i havent eaten yet and its 230 lol

58. Drinking?

Nothing right now

59. I’m about to..

nothin

60. Listening to..

Christmas movie

61. Waiting for…

430

Your Future:

62. Want kids?

Id love that

63. Want to get married?

Yes, but only if the person is incredible.

64. Careers in mind?

Mental health counseling

Which Is Better with the opposite/same sex?

65. Lips or Eyes? Eyes

66. Hugs or Kisses? Hugssssss

67. Shorter or Taller? Taller

68. Older or Younger? olderrrrr

69. Romantic or Spontaneous? Romantic

70. Nice stomach or Nice arms? Arms

71. Tattoos or Piercings? Tatted

72. Sensitive or Loud? Sensitive

74. Trouble Maker or Hesitant? Hesitant

Have You Ever (2):

75. Kissed a stranger?

No

76. Drank hard liquor?

yes

77. Lost glasses/contacts?

n/a

79. Broken someone’s heart?

yes

80. Had your heart broken?

yessssss.

81. Been arrested?

Nope.

82. Turned someone down?

yes

83. Cried when someone died?

Oof. yes. 

84. Liked a friend that is the same sex?

Romantically? no.

Do You Believe In:

85. Yourself?

I do

86. Miracles?

yes

87. Love at first sight?

No. 

88. Heaven?

yes

 89. Santa Claus?

Nope. but man it would be cool.

90. Kissing on the first date?

Honestly, no. 

91. Angels?

yes

92. Sex before marriage?

no

93. Life on other planets?

Its possible

94. Life after death?

Yes, but not on earth

95. Only being with one person forever?

Man that is ideal.

Answer Truthfully:

96. Is there one person you want to be with right now?

No, not really.

97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfrend at one time?

no

98. Do you believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever?

absolutely.

99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without?

Air conditioning

100. What’s one secret you have that not many people know?

I have some but i wouldnt post them lol

[chicagofanfictionfan]

Comforts of Home Part 2

Tim hung his jacket on the hook, toed off his shoes, and sat down on the couch. What a few days it had been, but thankfully Tony was home. He kept going back to Tony and Dante’s story and was amazed they made it through that at all.

He really wished he could go back and change his attitude. Dante was right; he had treated him like shit. That was water under the bridge. They had definitely forged a new relationship and it was a good one. He wasn’t about to screw it up this time.

His dad should be coming back from his maneuvers as well. He hadn’t had a chance to tell him about his flying lessons and he kept going on about how he wanted to meet Birdman. Tim really wanted to hear some of the stories again, he had some vague memories, but at the time, he just found them too farfetched and figured his dad was embellishing them.

Now he wanted to devour every word and hear them again. It wasn’t that Tony didn’t share the stories himself, he just always down played them, and Tim wanted all the facts. When his dad came for a visit, maybe Dante would let everyone gather at their house, and they could hear the stories, maybe even a few more. They had wanted to months ago, but cases and a few missions prevented that.

He wondered if his dad knew about Tony and Dante. It didn’t really seem to be a huge secret but he sure as hell wanted to see where his dad stood on the issue before he subjected Tony and Dante to any possible ridicule. His dad was old school and honestly, he had no clue how he felt on the matter of two men being together and married no less.

Thrust out of his thoughts by his phone he glanced at the caller Id and chuckled. “Speak of the devil.”

“Dad.”

“Fine. Tired, but Tony is home safe. How are you?”

“Seriously injured in the Sudan, but doing ok.”

“He’ll be out of commission for a while; I can certainly ask if he’ll be up for a visit.”

“There will be a lot of people there I am sure.”

“NCIS crew, his squadron and Dante’s parents for starters.”

“No, sir I want you to come. I…I just have a question.”

“Not something I have ever had to wonder about-“

“You know?”

“No sir, I never thought you were a bigot, it’s just never been something we have ever talked about. And I wanted to protect them if need be.”

“Thank you.”

“I really never thought about who knew about the two of them before. It doesn’t matter here, but they are military and I just wanted to be sure.”

“I’ll talk to Dante and get back with you on the visit.”

“They’re like my brothers. Tony is teaching me how to fly and said that when I get my permit he’ll take me up in his bird! That’s scary and exciting all at the same time.”

“Thank you, Sir. I love you too,” Hanging up with a smile on his face, Tim thought back to the words his father had said. ‘I’m proud of you.’

He called Dante real quick before it became too late.

“Dante, its Tim.”

“How’s Tony resting?

“Good. I have a question for you, and there is no obligation whatsoever. My dad will be here in a couple of days and would love to meet Birdman. He said he would be glad to tell the stories he has heard if Tony is up for that kind of visit.”

“Cool. Yep, I’ll contact the crew.”

“Your mom and dad as well?”

“Well he can be charming when he chooses to be.”

“I can organize the food-“

“But that’s a lot of people; won’t your mom want some help?”

“No, I see what you mean. My mom would be highly offended as well.”

“No problem, I’ll let everyone know.”

“Later man.”

Smiling, he hung up and called his dad back to let him know that it was all right and they would make a gathering of it for all concerned. He was getting more excited about the whole thing. He’d finally get to hear some more stories. He quickly sent texts to everyone else with the exception of Ducky and Gibbs whom he called and relayed the details.

He knew Gibbs would actually get them from Dante later when he stopped back over at their house, but he wanted to fill him in on his dad. This was going to be fun.

#Anthony DiNozzo #Ziva David #Abby Sciuto #Ducky Mallard #Leon Vance #Jimmy Palmer #Jethro Gibbs #Other(s)