#i dont think i care about stuff anymore

[cemeterything]

as much as it's fun to joke about not wanting new people to join tumblr from twitter after everyone else thought this site was dead or too cringe to make an account on for years, if you're actually an asshole to people who are just trying to use social media to have fun and/or share their content like the rest of us and are adapting to a new platform they're not familiar with then i don't want anything to do with you personally, because it's obvious you're just using this situation as an excuse to be mean spirited dickhead and i don't tolerate that kind of behavior

#🐉 #honestly i dont really care if new people join as long as theyre not assholes either #anyway im not gonna post about the twitter exodus anymore because its really not that big of a deal imo #also!!! its Not That Deep but its weird as hell to bully people for trying to understand like. unspoken social rules and stuff. #like how do you think theyre going to learn then dumbass. also nobody 'deserves' to be bullied for being weird or confused.

[arvoze]

comic practices

#pokemon #pokemon mystery dungeon #nuzleaf #breloom #cacturne #my art #luwel #mike #keith #i didnt really want to post these but ive been thinking about it #ill post these ones before all else bc theyre like. timeline scrambled so theyre more of just random things #(VV is random things anyways but the 1st implies other stuff has happned #and id rather do things in order...) #i need to change the font too and remake my handwriting font #also just make the images bigger. so by the time either of these would have been used #they'd already be out of place by being too small #the size issue mostly comes from text placement idk #i care a lot about this kind of stuff lol #but yeah i dont rly do comics a lot anymore so its nice to do them again AND actually try to commit to something #(ive been animating properly again for the first time too since like. being 11 years old #so thats also exciting i guess)

[ganondoodle]

so .. i did all the glyphs (but by far not all dungeons and theres still ton to do) and boi

i feel weird about saying this but i am … not invested at all in the story, like even the stuff with zelda (a plotpoint which i called out correctly right shortly after the beginning even lol) didnt get to me even a little bit and ganondorf feels even flatter as a character than before :I

#ganondoodles talks #totkspoilers #totk spoilers #totkspoiler #totk spoiler #im far FAR from done but at this point idk if it can turn how i feel about it around anymore #but we will see #im still having fun tho #but even with setting my expectations incredibly low i was still disappointed in quite a bit of stuff #i obviosuly havent seen everything yet so i will not form a final opinion on everything but so far #i care more about koga than about ganondorf #and i dont think that will change lmao #also dare i say it feels like both sonia and zelda got fridged lmao

[dreamsy990]

good thing sora doesnt ask questions

#kingdom hearts #kh3 #i cant believe nomura killed them #fun fact i dont know what nomura looks like and was too lazy to look it up for a shitpost #doodles #shitpost #sora #not tagging the winnie the pooh characters #good the winnie the pooh kh worlds are always so good but 3 is like. mmm #but still 'im trying to think of a way where you dont have to leave me' was so good actually #<- thats probably not the quote but u get the idea #i have no comments about it in 1 #in 2 it was so good #with 3 idk if this is intentional or not but it feels like its a bit about sora like. growing out of it #like hes older now theres so much serious stuff going on #now it feels like a waste of time instead of time spent with friends #yknow yknow? #like. it feels like growing up and realizing you dont care about the stuff you used to anymore if that makes sense #i hope if its in kh4 they have a plot continuing w something like this #was talking to my sister about it and i said something like. i hope kh4 is about reconnecting to things you used to like #like rediscovering the joy in things you decided were childish #idk this is a silly little shitpost about how nomura took a bunch of the cast out back with a shotgun #but also this is like. the one opportunity im gonna get to talk about this world so!! yeah

[robotpussy]

hm I know this seems like I'm just whining to whine and I understand that living with your parents throughout your childhood is the norm but I'm actually so tired of people asking "where are your parents/do you live with your parents/did you come with your parents?" when I meet people like if we are at a event where ppls families are in attendance why can't you just ask if anybody came with me instead of asking about my parents like not everybody has parents or lives with them etc I know it's just a little thing and I'm coming across as bitter and annoyed but I genuinely am, and then it gets even more annoying because then when you tell people you didn't come with your parents they want to know why and in my case I hate having to explain that I was in foster care because explaining something like that isn't something that can be summed up in a sentence like OMFG and it's so fucking annoying to me like just ask if I came with anybody instead of just assuming I came with my parents 😭😭😭

#as i said i know asking ppl about their parents is the norm but i wish ppl would actually think about of ppl #actually have any some ppl have been disowned or have dead parents or just dont want anything to with them anymore #its so annoying i think ppl should start thinking before just assume but this is just a personal thing im not that angry at anybody lol #im more annoyed at ppl wanting to know why i was in foster care because i hate airing out all my business like that #it involves alot of abuse and very traumatic stuff and then i feel bad when i do explain it because i feel like #ive ruined that person's day by telling them about all the stuff that happened to me like omds #the most annoying instance was when i was at work and this girl kept asking me why i dont live with my parents #and she wanted me to explain why i was in foster care and i was just like. its not really any of your business 😭 #just know i dont live with my parents and i used to be in foster care in fact you don't need to know if i live with #anybody or not 😭 like why are asking if my parents are together etc LEAVE ME ALONE

[the-kipsabian]

hey. immortal fears

on the sideblog

on ao3

#im only posting this cause 1. im very tired and 2. i really need my motivation to continue this story #ive been craving so much to write this again recently but i have huge mental hurdles and i feel like nobody cares anymore #so like.. give it a peep? lemme know what you think?? anything??? #i love this story a lot and would love to get back to it. i have the next three chapters fully planned. i just need to write... #and i have most main bits planned as well so its mostly planned out. just. writing. its hard when i dont know if anyone is interested #anyways. i wanna post this today as ive been thinking a lot. so. here #please read immortal fears #(theres also a lot of other stuff in this timeline/au but im just gonna stick to the main story in this post ough) #ALSO FEEL FREE TO SEND ASKS ABOUT THE AU!! i would love to talk about this ;; #night is an absolute mess on main

[cephalonheadquarters]

Damn. I'm free

#I know i stated a lot before that im not involved with fandoms anymore but like. it just hit me randomly. Im Free #I still absolutely have interests. This is very obvious. But i have no desire of trying to make stuff for others anymore #(except fir my friends hehah) #When i was in the ttcc & pikmin fandoms that was the WORST. Very anxiety inducing year for me because i kept worrying about other people #and what they thought of me and my art #Also those fandoms were just really annoying lol. Toontown more than annoying i cant say anything about it here iuhhh there was #an insane amount of insane things happening with that community its.still happening actualky LOL. I hear about stuff from my friends #But anyways. I just feel so disconnected from everything in a good way if that makes sense #i already got friends and im finally feeling like this blog is mine yaaay #Who gaf about fandoms #Be free..... #This might be because all i care about is my ocs now (& its late and i have a huge burst of energy right now for some reason) #Yes i am very afraid that the focus on them will end but i really dont know what else there is for me to become attached to anymore #Splatoon is my life babeyyy at least it has been for almost 6 years #ill always come back to splatoon❤️ #Touhou and woy are the 2nd and 3rd most thought about interests for me #I dont post about them often as in like. make my own art that much. But i think about them almost as much as splatoon #Grahhh

[healingheartdogs]

Cardio said my echocardiogram ultrasound, exercise stress test, and week long heart monitor all showed no serious issues, my resting heart rate is fine, but that my heart rate does seem to rise very rapidly under even small amounts of stress (postural changes, taking stairs, casually walking around my house) and rises very high (160+ bpm according to the monitor) so now I get to be put on beta blockers to see if they work and if they do she said that is sufficient evidence to confirm for sure that it's POTS.

Obviously could confirm it as well with a tilt table test but those are TORTURE based off what I've heard from fellow POTSies so I am very thankful that she doesn't think that's necessary and will not be making me do one.

#i was not expecting to get dx and meds this fast tbh but im very happy about it #i think the fact that she also has POTS herself helps because she is very well acquaintaned with what it looks and feels like #and how hard it is to actually catch with orthostatics in office unless youre having a bad heart day #so my orthostatics not being within range was unsurprising to her and she was like #'that doesnt mean anything you clearly still have a heart rate issue going on even if it didnt show itself right now' #i didnt do shit the entire week i had that monitor on to like physically exert myself but my heart rate still hit almost 170 a few times #also the doctor who did my stress test asked me if i ever experience any chest discomfort or pain and i was like hm no dont think so #and he went 'your chart says you have palpitations though?' #and i was like '... those count as discomfort???' akdjaicidjwjcjsn the answer is yes apparently #im just so used to them now because i have them daily that they dont even really register to me anymore #unless theyre bad enough to knock the wind out of me or make me cough #they just make me anxious which... ig is also a form of discomfort #chronic illness and chronic pain problems though lol not having a normal baseline for discomfort and pain #ndr #not dog related #health stuff #not that anyone probably cares lol but im excited about getting things that have neen affecting me for years FINALLY figured out #im not crazy im just disabled!!!! #*been

[featherymainffins]

Now this might be because I have issues but is it just me or does Slay The Princess feel like an allegory for a relationship?

#like i dont even mean the actual textual stuff like the two gods loving each other i mean like #while the narrator himself does say that he is not the protagonist at all the voices do in fact count him as one of them and #both the narrator and the voices are described as shattered glass pieces on the floor #and im saying that just to contextualise what im about to say because i feel like the narrator is an echo of someone who was in #a relationship with another person and is trying to 'slay' the memory of this person and defeat death not only literally but #on a metaphorical level (as in the death of a relationship). if you do slay her you destroy her memory and in that way you do not know her #at all nor do you care to #and the routes would be the perspectives held by different parts of you. shes literally a being that changes based on who perceives her #but metaphorically thats just how people work isnt it? relationships are complicated and there is a part of you who sees someone as a razor #and there is a part of you who sees them as a damsel and another who sees them as a god etc etc #its like youre a person who is trying to make sense of the situation and; which is why the construct of the princess is made up of #several vessels called perspectives. you understand the whole of what you think only when you take apart all your perspectives; #and theres a you who isnt you anymore who doesnt want to do this. hes telling you to just destroy it. it was wholly wretched and wholly bad #and it changed which is a crime in itself. theres an echo of you. and theres you; built by this echo because thats how the self works #we are each our own god and we build ourselves. the different voices are like different parts of you #much like the vessels are the equivalent of the voices. theyre the finite confined perspectives; aspects of a whole person #and slaying her in this context would obviously mean literally just destroying the memory and deciding that change and all it brings #is an awful thing. though im not yet sure what the difference between leaving with the whole and between separating yourself #and leaving with just an aspect would be. #thats probably like the only thing thats kinda ruining this interpretation lol #oh and obviously a lot of the routes have like very strong relationship symbolism. specifically a lot of them feel like #scenes from a relationship that is falling apart. for example in the adversary and then the fury when you run away the dialogue #basically mimics a partner running away from a conflict and the other one destroying themselves because of it #witch and the thorn are both heavily Esop-coded and the text itself says that its about two people hurting each other even though they love #each other but both are afraid of the other one and of being vulnerable. thorn is about finding forgiveness in one another #and deciding to be better and love each other despite the hurt youve caused each other due to your problems #etc etc #like am i insane am i mental am i projecting?

[timetravellingkitty]

.

#last night an ex friend who ignored me for 6 fucking months just messaged me saying “oh im sorry i want to make things clear between us” #“i dont want any bad relations before the end of the year blah blah blah” #and she didn't even apologise properly #i told her i didnt accept her apology because i didnt trust her anymore and that i deserved friends who cared about stuff like that #and her response to that? “wow nice to see you're so cocky let me knock your ego down a few notches” #“you're a loud and obnoxious bitch you think you the world revolves around you just cause you read some feminist books” #which tells me that she really didnt mean her sorry #she just wants a clean slate and validation she's actually a good person #im sorry but you dont get to use as a stepping stone for YOUR character development #why apologise if you don't fucking mean it #and the worst part is my friend still thinks she's a good person and whatever blah blah blah FUCK OFF #i know no one really wants to listen what i have to say given that i'm always taken as a joke #but srsly fuck off it's amazing how her friend hurting me isnt a big deal cause she's “not as bad as i think she is” #god i miss my old friends we have such a strong bond but we don't meet that often i just want to hug them so bad #i'm glad i didnt listen to the part of me that wanted to forgive her one of my ex friends was also like her and i've learnt my lesson #vent #personal

[youareunbearable]

As a fun little thought, yaknow how fanon Maedhros sometimes will have grey in his hair from like the torture and stress? I think it would be SUPER FUN if during the long peace his brothers would sometimes die it different colours. Obvi nothing crazy, but I think it would be cute if sometimes they dyed the grey like yellow/gold to go with his copper hair, or yellow-green in the spring to make it look like he has flowering plants woven in his hair, or black to tease him how the dark colour washes him out

#amber rambles #silmarillion #maedhros #I just think it woul be cute #my sister cant really do stuff with her hair anymore cause she killed it so I let her play with mine sometimes #and so shell dye it or cut it or try new styles and I honestly dont mind and this is just being a Big Sister to let her do this yaknow? #so I think Mae would be the same. yeah whatever this silly little thing brings u joy sure play with my hair #I think he used to be super particular about his hair in Valinor. being the Pretty One yaknow? But after Angband... #I really think he kinda hates how he looks and doesnt see the point in trying anymore with his apperance. He knows its important #for like political reasons but day to day? why bother hes scarred and his bright red hair is half grey now #so I think this is why his brothers care. His hair used to be important to him. so they play with it and dye it and style it FOR him now

[mihai-florescu]

Im like. 25% thinking about my project and 75% thinking about dropping out at any given moment

#i cant stand the idea of having to make things anymore #this is not exactly ideal for an art school #yes yes it goes back to being depressed whatever i just need to push through do enough to pass and then never have to make anything again #its a bit sad when teachers talk about finding our methods and stuff for the future when i know im not gonna engage in any of this #again. but i go to every class because i dooo enjoy learning about art practices and what other people are passionate about etc #sigh #just make something for the midterm just prepare a course of action for the finals youll figure it out #well no the more i read the more i think i should all join a suicide cult instead but i know it wouldnt work because i hate people too much #and id just think its stupid and that i cant be bothered to go to any meetings #thats how it is for any community i try to join ultimately the thought of 'who cares' wins and i dont do anything

[flovverworks]

masaki akira post of the same five facts i always talk about

#stardust speaking ! #the cat lov...........the 'i wish i knew what to say'......<-the using what someone else said #the 'said something so honest and wellmeaning and tender it renders the target speechless' #akira whos asked what their tanabata wish is and 'oh right its probably that u wanna return home right' 'haha..yeah...' (guy who does not #+ akira who doesnt want to wish for that in front of them when they all made such an effort to have a party!??!T_T #'u care about us more than anyone' #both murr & figaro assuming/questioning why akira didnt wish for it & realizing. augh...event of my heart #akira whos not the first one to move to save someone cuz they can nooooot fight but if no one else is moving/is there they Will do it #'this is the hero of a weapon' T_T 'dont hurt my wizards anymore' T___T #collapses #+ akiras funny moments of 'this feels like a secret rendesvouz' LIKE THIS DUDE THINKS SOO MUCJ ABOUT ROMANTIC #STUFF AKDNSKDKW.............LIKE....that event took me out. so funny

[meringuejellyfish]

this location within the spiral, the spirit realm itself, stands out to me as a very memorable area. design wise i just really enjoy it, very fond of the stylization and simplicity of it - and specifically one of my favorite elements from each world in this 2008 wizard game was the fun skyboxes, and i find the ones drawn for the spirit world to be particularity striking. this area ultimately just is very different from everything you’ve seen up to this point, even when compared to nightside and such. it serves as an arena for only two battles - if im not mistaken - and thats also a reason why i enjoy it so much and leads to so much of the memorability to me.

the other delightful thing about this area, and what most people remember it for, is the strange sight found if you stand and peek over the edge, you might be greeted by what seems to be a ghostly blue face of some sort, staring back

this is just. here. it disappears and reappears maybe every 20-40 seconds or so, and to add onto it, all music would stop playing when standing at the edge, and you are only left with ambience and this oddly misplaced asset - however, while this asset has remained here for 14~ years, the effect of only ambience seems to have been patched out? and for a moment i almost believed the “face” was missing aswell, until of course it reappeared to greet me

something interesting that i noticed recently - what ive never seen anybody bring up about this odd weird little freak, this alleged “creepy face in mooshu” is the fact that its actually the asset utilized in the wraith spell

theres not really much else to say about this connection, i just find it interesting. and when it comes to the actual asset itself you could still ask ... what is it? id say its a skull, but it really does just look like a face. who knows. maybe it truly was misplaced in this void, or some cheeky developer thought it would be funny to place down there. its one of those “creepy mystery/phenomenon in an old video game” things that i just really love, and i hold the few bits of “creepy” wiz trivia very dear to me xP

#wizard101 #wizzy #i take fun creepy game mysteries like this very seriously and care about them so much. you'll have to forgive me for writing so much about a #single asset #i also just wanted to gush about old low polygon environment design #yipppiii yahooo #i miss this kinda stuff so bad. nothing beats a bunch of wizard kids going crazy over this one weird asset or arguing over whether or not #the ghost girl in the pyramid of the lost horizon was real or the alleged voices in the lava #i also just miss straight up playground rumors. you dont really get that anymore. mew under the truck. that time that somebody just made up #an evil animal crossing villager named brutus. and of course things like herobrine #everyone knows too much about whats in the files and what isnt. i wasnt even a kid who fell for things like herobrine but it was still fun #to think about #(nowdays we got deltarune which is like all those creepy internet/playground rumors but real. and its so fascinating #god bless

[ya-gurl-emily]

order 86 Ratchet online to complete my tfp autobot cast*

shows up 2 weeks later, defective copy

have to mail it back (need a new box cause i don't have the actual one) wait for that to go through, then order him again from bbts at higher price

have to wait another month cause they hate shipping to ireland

#online shopping causes me nothing but pain #dude why can't there be better nerd shops near me #Dublin has a bunch but my spot has like 1 comic shop thats been selling bbm soundwave for like 2 years #gamestop sold TFs for a bit. but then they died so like. shit #Smyths usually has new stuff but they just skip out on half of studio series for some reason #probably cause transformers sell like shit #that section gets smaller every single day. it grew again when the movie came out but now its back to being tiny. #even then 80% of it is just shelfwarming movie toys. no wonder the mainline focuses on adults now. kids dont care about the brand anymore #also *“erm achtually i don't have Cliffjumper ” fuck you #That dude's on screen for 2 minutes and then he dies. I'll be fine without him #>coping because the only way to get him is a 110 euro 4 pack with 3 other dudes idc about #I'm not doing that. im already mad i have to buy tfp breakdown in a 2 pack. and thats including a 2nd guy i also think is neat #im mad he's a bulkhead repaint but thats a rant for another day #anyway uuhhh didn't expect to type this long. stay in school don't do drugs ok bye bye

[bad0mens]

Yesterday was an emotional day for me and not in a good way.

Under the cut because I need it out.

I'm not sure what the 'inciting' incident was, or if there even was one. I think it was honestly just a build up of working retail during the holidays where I'm inundated with people who are rude and impatient and it's been getting to me. My situation at home isn't a bad one. But I constantly feel the 'quiet older middle child syndrome' as well as 'high masking autistic adult who is largely self sufficient disorder'. So I feel like in some ways, I fall through the cracks in the minds of my family. They don't feel they need to worry about me because I'm usually good at taking care of myself.

The problem arises here. In a lot of ways, especially yesterday, I felt like an after thought to my own family. Allow me to explain.

Three of the specific things that got me yesterday, and maybe they sound petty, were:

1. We drove three hours there, expecting a short event packed with lots of people but it was instead a long event packed with people and my social battery is all but dead on my off days because it has to work on my on days. I was able to keep myself mostly sane by working on fics and keeping my earplugs in because my family, especially my younger sister, is very loud. I want to spend time with my family on the holidays, but I also want to relax and be comfortable when the tense of working this time of year is finally starting to ebb.

2. There was a lot of food to go around... But only about 3 things I could actually eat. Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. You may notice there is no protein or real vegetables in any of those options. I've been a vegetarian for going on 20 years. This isn't something new for my family. My mother and younger sister did the cooking and thought to make the stuffing safe for me to eat. But that was it. The worst part of this is, I also forgot to even bring myself something like that to cook, so it's really on me as well (which is a part of the problem I'll get to in a moment).

3. I had two presents to unwrap. I know how ungrateful this sounds. But it's not about the number of presents. It's really not. I got things I asked for and I am grateful for them! It's a chunk of the larger problem, though. There was lots of presentation and fun in other people's gifts. One of mine was thrown haphazardly in a bag with nothing to cover it. The other was a wrapped cardboard box with the item inside.

Normally, any of these one things by themselves is fine, but emotions were running high after a season of working retail (not to mention I got in an argument with my boomer father who started the "no one wants to work these days" that I had to shut down pretty hard").

The problem was that, even on this day about family, I was an after thought. And the problem stems from my own behavior. I'm a helper, I care about other people, I put other people first, constantly. So constantly that I almost never put myself first. So no one else thinks to either. I'm not asking to be the specialist girl at Christmas. I'm asking to feel like I'm cared about as more than a "oh shit we can't forget about--".

I don't put myself first, so why should anyone else? I brush off this behavior in myself and others as fine. I pick pieces of myself apart to try and help other people feel whole when I've never felt whole in my entire life. And the worst part, the most painful part, is that I've ultimately done this to myself.

I sat at the dinner table, feeling alien and broken and alone surrounded by my own family, simultaneously dissociating and trying not to cry. It was my college graduation all over again, when weeks before my father reminded me that art degrees were functionally useless and I was wasting my time and money after a lifetime of hearing the lie that I could be whatever I wanted to be if I worked hard enough. It was that moment all over again. But amplified. It felt like everyone was in on the joke now.

And I still played to other people's comfort. I did not cry about it no matter how increasingly painful it became until 4 hours later when I was finally at home and my older sister asked me what was wrong. And I finally said something. I told her I felt like an after thought.

But it isn't until this moment, nearly 10 hours later, that I'm realizing the truth of it.

Who's going to put me first when I never put me first? Why would anyone bother? I don't. And after what feels like a lifetime of putting other people before myself, I'm left with the fact that my family can't be blamed. I did this to myself.

#tldr had a rough Christmas emotional and still processing it #personal stuff #im not sure how to handle things going forward #but for now I'm going back to sleep so i dont have to think about it anymore #this doesnt even mention that my mother got defenseive about the number of gifts she received last year being small too #when she forgot the present i got her in what she was listing #something that i took time and care picking out and wrapping nicely #but thats beside the point i suppose