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kisstheashes · 6 years

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Self Preservation Ch. 9: Irreparable Damage

Summary: The emotional fallout felt just as hellish as the night they experienced

Content warnings: mentions of suicidal/ self-harm thoughts, dehumanization

Chapter Archive + Moodboard

Tagging:: @shadowstakeall @egopocalypse @antis-loyal-puppet @fandoms-creed @atlanta-art@steffid101@starlightxnightmare @here-be-becquerel@superbanananinja234 @floatingspacejunkie@watermelonsinmyattic @vity-dream @cute-anxious-kitten @sylver-rhymes @clownoutofdarkness @gum-xx-drop @melasong @missksketch @normallyemma @spicydanhowell @friendly-neighborhood-badger @space-babe-writing @shamrockace @fluttering-by @writerwithdepression @acuriousquail (if you want to be tagged notify me! I’ll gladly add you to the list!)

A/N: 1) This chapter is 6.5k words long. 2) If you want to be added to my general story tag for when Self Preservation finishes and you have not notified me yet, TELL ME. If you don’t you’ll be dropped from the list after SP is finished. And yes, I am keeping track of who tells me they want to be on my permanent tag list. If you’ve already told me, you don’t need to again.

Blood dripped onto the concrete as the three sat huddled together, shaking. Marvin tightened his hold on Jackie, taking a deep breath of fresh night air. They'd survived. They fucking survived. "We need to see if a hospital is nearby," Jackie murmured. "We need help." Jackie stared at his useless legs, biting his lip. "Marvin, you have to move...

Marvin took another deep breath and nodded too quickly, his head starting to swim as a result. "Yeah...Jamie, follow me, okay?" Slowly, Marvin stood, legs still shaky. Jackie was getting far too heavy to carry much farther. Jamie stood as well, visibly swaying from blood loss. Glowing lights to Marvin's right caught his attention and he looked up, seeing the common medical symbol high up on the building. "Thank fuck," he breathed. Anti hadn't fucked them over.

They didn't get inside the building before someone screamed. Marvin had to focus his fogging mind to understand it came from a nurse crossing the entrance. He saw them run off before coming back with two more people in moments. Marvin became acutely aware of how much blood covered them all. Things happened in a blur. They took Jamie first, who tried to sign to them he couldn't speak when they asked him questions about what happened. Marvin relinquished Jackie after a few moments, hearing his brother tell them he couldn't walk through the haze in his mind. Marvin waved off any attention staff tried to give him, mumbling that he was fine and his brothers were more important. One stubborn nurse stayed behind, insisting to at least help him walk inside.

He conceded, leaning onto her as his vision started swimming. He could feel his heart growing fainter. Maybe...I do need help... Marvin crossed into the building with the nurse, stumbling forward out of her grip then falling onto his hands and knees. His vision was full of colors that blurred together into a muddy watercolor of the hospital. He felt cold everywhere, especially in his hands. His heart had slowed to a dangerous pace and he was trembling violently. He briefly wondered if he'd gone deaf before everything around him went black.

Everything hurt. JJ's body felt tight and foreign, and as he shifted he could feel stitches threatening to come apart. Trying to lift his arms resulted in more pain and lack of movement. JJ took a shaky breath, lips parting without resistance. The stitches once there were now gone. If he could talk maybe he'd be grateful. Maybe if he could lift his arms more than thirty degrees he'd be grateful. If I still had both eyes maybe I'd be grateful.

He looked around the room, straining his neck to look to his left. A plain room- white with beige curtains blocking the window. Jamie's hands twitched as he looked around, the incessant beep of the monitors getting under what was left of his skin. The door to his room was closed, and Jamie was hooked up to so many machines it made his head spin. He grasped the sheets in his hands as the isolation crept up on him. He wanted his brothers. He wanted Marvin. Jamie felt the air get caught in his lungs as tears welled in his eye. He didn't want to be alone! He couldn't be alone!

His heart monitor spiked as he curled in on himself the best he could. He needed to know if they were okay. He needed to see them! Where were they? He started sobbing as a nurse came into his room. Her voice sounded far away. JJ felt a touch on his shoulder and jumped, causing the nurse to gasp when he looked at her. Jamie stilled, then looked down at the blankets, shifting as well as he could to face away from her. I'm disgusting. Jamie's mind slowed to a stop. I will never be seen as normal again. He gripped the sheets again. I'm a freak.

He batted the nurse away, signing that he was fine. Freak. Strange. Outcast. Things other kids would shout at him while he was walking home. Berk he mouthed. His weak heart broke. It had been a long time since he'd heard that word. Time didn't heal all wounds, did it? He imagined if his school bullies could see him now they'd still laugh. Tell me how well I fit such degrading words...tell me how they were words meant for someone like me. Jamie sunk into the stiff bed, his shoulders burning. Tell me I deserved it. Tears welled then fell before he could stop them. Tell me the hooks in my back and the demon in my dreams was because I deserved it. Jamie started choking on sobs, his thoughts running away from him. I deserved everything, didn't I? I deserved what it did to me. I could have been better. I could have done better! I could have saved them! It only wanted me, why didn't I save everyone else? Why was I so selfish?!

He was shaking violently, unable to see through his tears. It should have killed me. It's what I deserved.

Jackie did his best to stay calm as the doctor told him his prognosis. Paraplegic. He'd never walk again. The implications of that single word raced around his head. He'd have to give up everything.

That word weighed on his chest as the doctor rattled on, spewing false hope about physical therapy, surgery, and future progress. The nurses who checked on him showed the truth. The pity in their eyes, and the way they tried to reassure him he would be okay. He wouldn't be okay. It didn't take a genius for Jackie to know his legs would forever be as useful on his body as they would be if they'd been chopped off.

"The hospital called the police to investigate what happened to you." "What?!" No, no no...they couldn't do that! What if they got caught in Anti's crossfire? The police weren't equipped to handle someone like Anti! They would get themselves killed! "Why would you do that?" Jackie moved to get up before he remembered that he couldn't stand.

The doctor looked at him pointedly. "We felt it was appropriate."

"You can't do that! You don't know the consequences!" He couldn't protect them if something happened. But Marvin could...right? Jackie's face fell. "Where are my brothers?? Are they okay? Can I see them?" He sat up farther, needing to go see them.

The doctor's stare changed to a sympathetic one as he saw the panic in Jackie's form. "They're resting and should make a full recovery. There will be permanent damage, but other than that they should be fine."

Jackie took a deep breath, trying to let his anxiety go. He needed to see them. "When can I see them?"

"Hopefully soon." A small smile appeared on the doctor's face before he left, the nurse finishing her job before leaving as well.

Jackie sat quietly, staring at his useless legs under the sheets. There was some pain, but he couldn't move them. He couldn't even make a muscle twitch if he wanted to. If only he hadn't hesitated. If only he'd taken the knife and stabbed Anti before the glitch could incapacitate him. He was so stupid. He could have saved them! He could have defeated the glitch. Instead, he got gutted-

-Gutted? That image was back again. Jackie didn't understand where it came from. His stomach was fine! Yet the image of Anti taking a knife to him, his insides spilling onto his lap...it was so vivid. But it didn't happen. Did it? And then... "O͞n͞e l̶i̢t͟ţle p̸upp͝e̕t m̢a͠de͞ a͜ ̷deal.͟ ̷"

"Who..." He didn't finish his thought before he knew who'd sold their life for them. "...Marvin you fucking idiot." Jackie put his head in his hands. His partner was always a martyr. Jackie knew it would hurt them all some day.

There wasn't any time to wake up properly before he leaned over the side of the bed and threw up. Marvin felt absolutely sick. The last time he'd felt so sick he'd been fourteen and had a high fever plus food poisoning. He didn't care where he was or what happened since he'd passed out. He couldn't move without feeling like his head was swimming and his limbs felt too heavy. His magic was returning to him, though it cracked in his veins like it was angry. Through his swimming vision, he saw the button to call a nurse and grabbed for it, missing the first time before strangling it in his grip. The only thought he could grasp through the nausea was that something was very wrong.

A nurse came running in, the surprise in her voice obvious. "Sir! What's wrong?"

Marvin glared at her from where he was leaning over the bed. "If I knew I wouldn't be calling!" he snapped. "I feel fucking sick-" He stopped dead, vomiting again. Why did he feel so sick?? Nothing about this was fucking normal. His magic sparked at his fingertips. He couldn't control it. He balled his hand up, the sparks releasing into his palm. He tried to calm his oncoming panic; tried to breathe through the nausea. I can always control it. What the fuck is happening?

The nurse ignored his protests to her help and checked his vitals and IVs, asking him how he felt and if he needed anything. I need my magic under control. He could hurt her! He hated her touch and hated how close she was. His magic could fire off any second and-! She jumped out of the way when he vomited again. He felt like a fucking scared kid again. He'd spent years getting his magic under control! How could that control slip in the span of one night? The sparks incessantly hit his palm as the nurse rushed to make sure he had a vomit bucket, then called someone to clean up before she left- probably to get a doctor.

After he vomited for a fourth time Marvin finally felt the nausea calm down a bit. But he still struggled to kill the sparks on his fingertips. What's wrong with me?? His magic seemed to wail inside of him, crying out in betrayal because of...something. Marvin couldn't understand why his magic was reacting so violently. He looked around at the various fluids in the IVs. He'd never paid much attention to what Henrik had given him in the past. His magic sparked up again and he cursed. He needed Jackie. Where was he?? Marvin sat up properly, the nausea and IVs irritating him. He needed to be able to find them, damn it! He needed to know if they were okay! After everything...I need to know they're alive.

A doctor walked into the room, seeming casual but alarmed. Marvin didn't give him a chance to speak. "I need to see my brothers." His magic was sparking out of control, little flames trying to dance on the tips of his fingers that were still curled into his palm. "Now!"

The doctor looked slightly alarmed, rushing forward to put a hand on Marvin's shoulder. "I can't let you do that. You need to rest. You went into heart failure." He studied the monitors and the papers on his clipboard before continuing. "The fact that you seem so well is...nothing short of miraculous. You need to stay in bed so we can monitor you."

"Bullshit! I'm fine except for the fucking nausea." He tried to move but a wave of nausea hit him like a freight train and he only barely escaped having to vomit again. "Fuck...what the hell is wrong with me..."

The doctor sighed. "You went into heart failure. We weren't sure if you were going to make it. Yet...you seem perfectly fine. I don't know what would cause the nausea." He frowned, looking at his clipboard again. "Nothing should be causing nausea. I'll get back to you on that. Until then, sit tight and don't go anywhere." The doctor looked at Marvin sternly. "It's possible your heart will start failing again if you start exerting yourself. That would mean death." The doctor huffed before leaving the room.

Alone again, Marvin opened his hand and let the fire dance on his fingers. It felt impossible to control it more than that. Why. Why?? It didn't make sense. His magic had never gone rogue like this after he'd learned to control it. I...I need Jackie... Fuck the doctor and his "orders." Marvin needed his brothers. He didn't care about the cost. He looked around at the IVs in his arms- one being a blood transfusion and the other being...something else Marvin couldn't bother to identify. He figured if he kept the blood transfusion he'd be fine. He took a few breaths and ripped out the other IV, gasping at the pain that followed. It felt- a full body shiver ran through him at the too fresh memory of the hot knife plunging into his skin. Shakily, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood, the nausea nearly knocking him over. "Goddamn it..." He slowly made it out of his room with the blood IV, the feeling all too much like the first near-death experience he'd had the night before. He demanded from a nurse to know where his brothers were and seemed to scare her enough for her to either try to find out or call security. Likely both, he mused. He touched his face, noticing for the first time the gauze wrapped around his cheek. He bit his lip, which still faintly tasted like battery acid and rotten flesh under the taste of vomit and blood.

The nurse came back with the room numbers for both Jamie and Jackie. She said they were both stable, but he wasn't allowed to see Jamie. Marvin bit the inside of his cheek to stop from yelling at her. He needed to see Jamie. He curled his fingers into his palm again, hiding the dancing fire. Maybe that's what scared her.

Jackie started when the door to his room opened, surprised and relieved to see his little brother. "Marvin! Thank god you're okay." All anger and worry about whatever deal he made with Anti flew out the window as he finally got to see Marvin. His gaze softened as he held out his arms. "...You're looking pale." He pressed his lips together. "Come here," he murmured.

Marvin dragged himself over to Jackie and plopped onto the side of his bed, making his brother hiss as pain shot up his spine. "Oh...sorry. I forgot..." Marvin rubbed his fingers over the cool metal of the IV drip roller. "Did...what's...your legs..." He glanced down.

"I...I'm-" the words stuck in Jackie's throat, tears welling in his eyes. "I'm not gonna walk again." Too many tears fell too quick. Jackie hid his face in his hands, holding back sobs. Marvin's arms wrapped around him, and Jackie let himself be vulnerable in his brother's hold. He sobbed openly about his useless legs; about having his days as a hero torn away from him in an instant. He couldn't protect anyone anymore. He didn't know what to expect except a wheelchair. Marvin stroked through his hair and hugged him tight. Jackie found it a relief Marvin didn't try to comfort him with words. What could be said?

When Jackie stopped crying Marvin pulled away, keeping his arms around his brother. "We'll figure something out, Jackie," he murmured. "You aren't useless." Marvin bit the inside of his cheek and pulled his hands into his lap. They sat in silence for a while, Marvin staring down at his lap.

Jackie heaved a sigh. He didn't want to talk about it. Thinking about it made him sick. But he had to. Why Marvin would do something so stupid? "You made a deal," he said softly. Marvin glanced at him before his gaze returned to his lap. "You made a fucking deal, Marvin. No one else would have done it! What the fuck did you do?" Jackie's voice started escalating as his despair shined through, more tears wanting to fall.

Marvin was quiet for a moment. He hadn't wanted them to find out! He hadn't wanted them to know until he was gone. He swallowed. "We have terms. Um...undecided terms, but I have control over them. I'm gonna be fine, Jackie." He couldn't look at his brother. Part of him wondered what the fuck he'd done too.

"Fine??" Jackie looked incredulous. "Marv, we're talking about Anti. Look what he did to us! And you fucking made a deal with him? What were you trying to accomplish except getting yourself killed?" Jackie started yelling.

Marvin turned to look his brother in the eyes. "To goddamn save you! You died, Jackie! I saw your dead body! He was the only one who could bring you back. I couldn't-" His voice caught in his throat. "I couldn't lose you. You're far more important than me, Jackie. I couldn't let you die." Marvin looked down at his hands again. He shook his head. "I'll...I'll never, never forget how you looked. I-" I saw you die. The words wouldn't come out anymore. The memory was too much to bear. He took a few deep breaths to keep himself from crying. "I made sure he'll never hurt you or Jamie ever again. That's all that matters." He kept taking deep breaths, trying to get himself under control. "That's all that matters."

"You matter just as much as us! More, even." He took Marvin's arm in his, grip tight. "You've- You've always been as important as us." Marvin glanced at his brother before putting his hand on top of the one on his arm.

"You died..." Marvin breathed.

"Anti can't bring people back to life." Jackie hadn't realized he'd stopped breathing.

Marvin nodded slowly. "If he turns back time far enough...it's like they never died..." Gray skin. Guts spilled over the floor. Glassy eyes and drying blood.

That cursed image came back to Jackie, and he put a hand over his stomach unconsciously. "He...He gutted me." Marvin's head snapped up to look at him. It seemed like he wanted to say something but couldn't find the words. "That's...that's what I remember. It- oh my god. I remember my own death." Jackie sat back in the hospital bed. "He...killed me."

There was silence for a long while before Marvin moved, suddenly feeling nauseous again. "Fuck!" He grabbed the trash can and managed to throw up into it. "Son of a bitch."

"Oh yeah...you got sick last time Henrik gave you a blood transfusion too." Jackie bit his lip, eyes softening. If he only had limited time with his brother he didn't want to spend it fighting. "He couldn't figure out why though. People don't normally get sick from transfusions."

My magic. "It doesn't like foreign things... it's attacking the new blood." At least, Marvin hoped that's what it was. "My magic is so...angry. It almost feels cancerous." Marvin put the trash can down. He wanted to rip the blood IV out of his arm. He needed to be in perfect order to help his brothers. "Jamie-" Marvin's heart fell. "They won't let me see Jamie." He took more deep breaths. He couldn't calm the oncoming panic. "I need to see him, Jackie. I need to know he's okay. He has to be! We-We didn't go through all of that for nothing! We have...he has to be okay. They gotta let me see him!" He hid in his hands, shaking and finding it hard to breathe. Jamie was his baby brother. Marvin had to know he was okay. Jackie wrapped his arms around Marvin and he curled into Jackie's secure hold. Marvin clutched onto Jackie's hospital gown, crying and trying to breathe through the tears.

Shortly after Jackie had calmed Marvin down there was a knock on the door, and two police officers entered. Marvin groaned. "What in the name of fuck do you want?"

Without his mask Marvin was unrecognizable, but the police recognized Jackie instantly. They seemed shocked to see Jackie in such a condition and tiptoed around their questions. Marvin snapped at them for it, causing them to jump before they made the connection that this was the man under the cat mask. The police had never liked Marvin the Magnificent as much as they liked Jackieboy Man.

The questions seemed to take hours as they declined over and over retelling the details of what had happened to them. "Do either of you know where Henrik von Schneeplestein and Chase Brody are?"

Their names felt like a shock to their hearts. Marvin held back against lashing out as their names sunk into his brain. "Chase Brody is dead. If you can find the warehouse we were held in, you'll find him and his daughter. They're dead." Jackie hid into the crook of Marvin's neck, tears wetting their skin. Marvin held back his own, a frown on his face. "And no one is ever going to see Henrik again. He might as well be dead." He wouldn't give any more information to them. The police would never believe in a creature like Anti.

They weren't allowed to see Jamie for another day. Marvin's room was put on careful watch after his escape. Jackie was worried he'd have more panic attacks without anyone there and tried to tell the staff Marvin shouldn't be isolated but they wouldn't listen. If only I had my legs...

Jackie needed assistance using a wheelchair for the first time, unable to propel himself in the direction he wanted to go without running into things. A staff member walked him over to JJ's room, silently opening the door and wheeling Jackie next to the bed before leaving without a word. Marvin had his forehead pressed against JJ's, whispering things Jackie couldn't hear and combing through Jamie's hair and rubbing his arms and back. They seemed to both be crying. Jackie let them have their moment, fingers playing with the metal coming off the armrest on the chair. Marvin noticed Jackie sitting next to them and kissed JJ's forehead before parting, shifting to JJ's other side.

"I've missed you both," Jamie signed. He kept his arms unnaturally low, and his head was turned farther than normal to look at Jackie. "I-" His hands faltered. "The doctors have told me that I will never gain back the range of motion I had before. I cannot lift my arms higher than this." His bicep hardly lifted past his chest. He tried to lift them higher before a shaky breath left him and he put his arms down. "I could gain some movement back with physical therapy. I would like to go."

Marvin nodded. "Yeah. Of course." Marvin leaned into his little brother, wrapping an arm around him.

Jackie glanced down at his chair. Was it worth it to bring me back? "The staff told me we should be discharged soon. Um...I'm going to need a...a wheelchair. The hospital won't let me keep this one, unfortunately."

Marvin nodded again. "I'll make sure you're both taken care of." Jackie gave him a pointed stare but he ignored it. Why am I the least damaged?

Home was heavier than the three could have imagined. It was big and empty. Three rooms had no use anymore. Jackie would argue four, but Marvin refused to lock up Henrik's lab. He said they'd need all the supplies in there, at some point.

Jackie constantly ran into corners, cursing every time he did so. He didn't know how to control this chair yet. When he dropped things onto the floor it took too much effort to pick it back up. Pain always coursed through his spine, though some days or hours were better than others. He couldn't reach much without assistance and found very quickly the door to the bathroom was too small for his chair. Marvin put it on the list of things that would need to be remodeled, along with kitchen cabinets and every sink they had. Jackie hated that he needed assistance going to the fucking bathroom, the humiliation always causing him to want to hide for hours after ten minutes with Marvin helping him. Maybe if he was Henrik I wouldn't feel so weird.

Only a few days after being home, Jackie burst into tears about his superhero identity being stripped from him. What could he do in a chair he couldn't control? Marvin had taken a seat next to Jackie on his bed, holding one of his hands. "Hey," Marvin said softly. "You don't have to stop being a superhero, Jackie. Not forever." He forced a small smile onto his face, trying to be casual about his half-formed idea. "Who says superheroes can't be in wheelchairs?" He shrugged, a more genuine smile appearing. "You'll have to get used to the chair first, but I promise you I'll make sure you can don your mask again. Somehow." He hugged Jackie before helping him into bed for the night. "The cape might be dangerous though." He tried to laugh, but all he could manage was a scoff. "If I can promise nothing else I promise you that. Night, Jackie. Get me if you need anything." He kissed Jackie on the temple before he was pulled into another tight hug.

"Thank you," he whispered. "I don't know what we'll do without you, Marv." Marvin pressed his lips together, not saying anything else before situating Jackie's wheelchair for the morning and leaving the room. Every day was a reminder of what he'd done.

It was three days after they'd been discharged that the police called, telling Jackie they'd found the bodies of Chase and Jasmine Brody. Though even at first glance, Jasmine did not die in the way Jackie had detailed. Her throat was intact. She seemed to die of dehydration. Jackie hung up the phone, despair sinking into his chest. "...he hadn't killed her. We...we could have saved her!" Jamie and Marvin, who'd been sitting on the couch next to Jackie, looked confused. Jamie signed that he didn't understand. "He manipulated reality into making us think he killed Jasmine!" More tears fell. "Fuck...we could have saved her. She didn't need to die!"

Marvin closed his eyes. "Goddamn it...we...fuck." They could have saved her. He could have gotten her then Jamie. He'd failed her. "God, fuck!" Fire encased his hands. He wished he could kill the glitch. Marvin wished he'd done it when he had the chance, even though it would have killed him too.

Stacey called to tell them they weren't invited to the funeral, to never contact her or her remaining daughter again, and that she'd get a restraining order against all three of them. "You caused everything! If Chase hadn't met any of you he'd still be alive! My daughter would still be alive!"

Marvin didn't have the energy to argue with her. He knew this would be her reaction. He didn't blame her. She was right, of course. Chase and Jasmine would still be alive if they'd never met. Marvin let her have her way, crushed they couldn't at least go to his funeral. He figured they deserved that much. He hung up the phone and swallowed. "I miss you so much, big brother." He pressed his forehead against the wall then punched it, cracking the plaster and breaking his skin. Marvin broke down into sobs, the grief he'd been ignoring for the sake of his brothers coming in tidal waves. He sunk to the floor, phone slipping out of his hand as he cried. "Fuck!" He hit the wall again, trying to gain some composure. He couldn't afford to lose it like this! Not when his brothers needed him! He got up and pushed past JJ in the hall and locked himself in his room.

Marvin sat on the carpet, in front of the burn mark on the floor. He tried to make his tears stop as he faced the remnants of his first victory against the glitch. I should have killed him. He pulled his legs into his chest, leaning his forehead on his knees. It wouldn't have solved anything. Trying to kill Anti would have killed him. He knew that. If I had died... No one else would have survived.

Marvin pressed his legs tighter into himself. His tears had stopped as he stared at the burn mark on the floor. He always tried to ignore the memories whenever they would come up. The memories were disgusting. Every time they played in his head he could feel the vile creature against him, toying with him and burning him. The taste of battery acid and rotting flesh made him want to throw up. Sputtering gasps left him as he started crying again. And I resigned my life to that. Briefly, Marvin thought about the gun locked in Chase's room. He brushed off the thought as quickly as it came. If I die he'll go after my brothers. They'd suffered enough.

"I'm sorry, Jackie, I just..." Marvin sighed, putting his head in his hands. It was getting late, and Marvin was on the couch with Jackie in front of him. "He's my responsibility. I don't...his nights are rough. He needs me there! I-I need him. Jackie, the nightmares won't fucking stop."

Jackie reached out and took Marvin's hand in his, a kind smile on his face. "He's not your responsibility. We all have to take care of each other. You've been so much for us since...everything. Jamie can't sleep alone, so he'll sleep with me tonight. It's okay." Jackie huffed. "And if you need us, I'm sure three people could fit on my bed somehow. I'll take care of him tonight. I can handle it."

Marvin nodded and swallowed. It had been a month and a half. Marvin had been taking care of his brothers day and night in any and every way they needed. He felt exhausted, drained, frazzled. He ran his hands through his lengthening hair and stood. "Do you want help down the hallway?"

"No...I-I need to do it." Jackie still struggled a bit to turn around and then moved down the hallway into his room. Marvin followed him as he banged into corners and doorways. Marvin was working on getting every door widened so Jackie would fit through without trouble. Marvin made a stop at Jamie's room, taking a breath before knocking softly then going inside.

Jamie looked at him from his place on the bed. He spent most days curled up in his bed or attached to Marvin. Every sudden noise made him jump. There were certain places on his body that couldn't be touched anymore and he shared the trait of hating mirrors with Marvin. Neither of them could look in one without being reminded of what the glitch did to them. "Do you need something Marvin?"

"Um..." Marvin sighed, the exhaustion settling in. "Is it okay if you sleep with Jackie tonight? I, um..." He rubbed at his eyes. "I need a little alone time."

"Did I do something wrong?" Jamie bit his lip, looking down at his hands.

"No! I'm just...I'm exhausted. I need some time to myself, and Jackie can take care of you tonight. We...we already talked about it." Marvin tried to smile, running his hand through the top of his hair. He couldn't decide if he liked it longer or not.

Jamie nodded, looking at the ground. He got up, wincing in pain as he tried to lift his arms higher than they would go. He was already in nightclothes- big and baggy things that wouldn't restrict his body. He avoided Marvin as he left the room, leaving to go to Jackie's. It was a "no touch" kind of day.

Marvin got them settled in, bringing in a book for Jamie when he asked for one. When Marvin left them for the night and closed the door he let out a deep breath. Alone, for the first time in a month and a half. He just wanted to curl up on his own bed with a book of his own. He took a long, self-indulgent shower first, taking the time to care for himself like he hadn't in a long time. When he was finally curled up with a book, he couldn't focus enough to read. His brain felt fuzzy, and things started to feel distant. God, I'm more tired than I thought. There was a tickle of something in the back of his head that felt slightly alarming through his exhaustion. He settled against the bed frame, in a slight daze. The tickling sensation became more pronounced and prickly. ...Static. Marvin tried to panic, but the static in his brain was getting heavier by the moment. Anti glitched into his room, a grin on his face. Marvin tried to speak, but only a whimper would come out. His fear was soothed with more static, his vision growing blurry from the influence. He closed his eyes to keep his world from swimming. Everything felt so soft and far away. Every sensation became warm and pleasurable as the static suffocated his brain. It was so hard to think or move on his own. A small sound came from his throat as the glitch’s hand cupped his jaw, grounding him. Marvin opened his eyes, trying to see through the haze. He felt helpless.

Anti kneeled on the bed in front of Marvin and kissed the scar on his cheek, running his hands down Marvin's body. Marvin kept twitching, trying to escape Anti's hold on his mind. "͏Sh̀h̨...i͜t'͠s so̕ mu͢ch ̵e̷a̶s͜ieŕ wh̛en̸ y͝o̶u ̸d̡ơn̶'̶t str̛u͘ggle̡. ͏Let i͠t͏ ̨c̴on̶s͡ume̸ ͝y̧o̸ų. ̵I̧t̕ ̷feels ̡so҉ ҉g̨oo͡d́,̛ doesn'̛t i̧t͘?" he breathed against Marvin's skin. He pulled back, smiling when he saw how glassy Marvin's eyes were. "M̶y̸ prop̷ert͝y..." His. His to do with as he pleased.

He ran his hands across Marvin's torso, feeling the scars beneath his shirt. "̛A҉n͝d̕ ͜p͏roper͠t̷y..̕.̸n͏e͟ed͏s ̀to be ̀m͘a͡r͟ked́..͜.͘" Anti took out an ice pick, cutting Marvin's shirt open and exposing his scarred skin. "́I͞ think ͏hȩre ̧wo͡u̢ld̛ ̢b͘e ҉bęst̕.̕.͏.̨"̸ he whispered, flipping the ice pick in his hand. On the right breast, he started carving his name into Marvin's skin. Little moans and whimpers left his property, fueling him. The four short letters didn't feel like enough for Anti. He'd have to mark his property more some other time. He licked up all of the falling blood, his own moans mixing with his property's.

Marvin couldn't think through the haze. The static in his head felt so pleasurable, and heat came from his right chest that sent off little static fireworks in his head. It felt so good. He'd forgotten that he'd ever wanted to escape. He'd forgotten hatred and the power resting inside his veins. He gasped and moaned, shifting against the bed as his fuzzy mind progressively got fuzzier.

Anti finished writing his name, taking his time to lick the blood away. The snap of magician blood inside of him increased his static's power. He pushed farther into Marvin's head, a shuddering gasp leaving his property. Sooner or later he'd come back to his senses and know what was done to him. Anti wondered for a moment how he'd react.

Anti pulled away, admiring the four letters adorning his property's chest. ANTI. His name, carved into skin and dripping with blood looked perfect on Marvin's skin. He licked up the falling blood one more time, gently tilting his property's chin up to kiss him, sharing the blood that was in his mouth. His property swallowed, likely on instinct. Anti started glitching involuntarily as he laughed, his excitement too much to contain. His property tasted so good everywhere.

He pulled away, Marvin's breath coming out in short moans. Anti grinned and chuckled, sliding his fingers over the new wound. "My litt͜l̀e m̵a̡g̨ic̸ian҉..͜.̛s̸oon͠ ̴y̸o͟ư'll f̷eel̨ li͘ke ͏thi̛s͠ f͘o̴rev͝er̷.͠" The only response from Marvin was a small noise from the back of his throat.

Anti licked his lips free of any remaining blood and stood from the bed. He lifted Marvin's chin up, hazy eyes not looking at anything. "Yơu͘'r̸e a̡ ͝f̶a͢scin̶átin҉g̵ specįm̸eń...I͝ l͏ook̴ fo͟r̛ward ͜t͟o ̶breakįng͠ ̶y̶o͞u.̴"҉ Anti grinned, sharp teeth reflecting in the low light. "͠I̷t'̵s go͞i͝n͜g̶ to b̀e̵ s̡o͡ ҉muc̕h ̷fun̴.́..̡" His haunting laughter bounced off the walls as he glitched out of the room, static slowly dying and dissipating without him there.

Before Marvin could start processing the world, he felt disgusting. Utterly and wholly disgusting. Phantoms of hands caressed his body in memories that he couldn't remember. All he could taste was blood and acid. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to scrub the violation out of his body.

Fear surged to the surface and Marvin checked his body, keeping note of how his pants were still on. His shirt was torn from top to bottom, and his chest stung as he ran a hand over a part of it. Marvin's thoughts were a blur as he got up, ripping his shirt off and putting on a sweatshirt to leave his room. He checked the house- as pristine as they left it before bed. Nothing was out of place. Checking the windows and doors, they were still locked and undamaged. "What the fuck..." Marvin ran to Jackie's room, silently opening the door to check on his brothers. Safe and sound. Neither of them was hurt. He slowed down for a moment, trying to quell the oncoming panic as he made his way to the bathroom.

He turned on the light, grimacing at the scar on his face. He looked down, grinding his teeth. He had to know what had been done to him. His face fell. I wish Henrik was here... Then they could test and find out what Marvin was drugged with. Maybe they would have even been able to find out where it came from...He sighed and pulled the sweatshirt over his head. He dragged his eyes up to the mirror, going over all of his other disgusting scars before landing on the still red wound.

ANTI. Marvin couldn't breathe. He stared at the four letters, his horror escalating. "No...no no no no...It can't...! It can't...he...he..." Marvin backed into the wall, tears starting to fall as the letters written in his flesh burned into his mind. "...marked me...H-He..." The phantom hands, the taste in his mouth. A choked sound left his throat as he dissolved into sobs, sliding to the bathroom floor. What else did he do to me?? Marvin clutched strands of his hair, heaving sobs leaving him. He felt sicker than the day he woke up in the hospital. He wanted to wipe off every trace of glitch from his body. He wanted to cut the scars off and burn them to nothing with his magic. He felt the violation deep into his mind, felt it take over as he started shivering. Every part of him had been violated by the glitch's touch and static. He didn't have the right!

Marvin curled into a ball as he started to wail. He has the right since I signed myself over to him. He wished he had the courage to change his fate.

#jacksepticeye #antisepticeye #marvin the magnificent #jackieboy man #jameson jackson #dappersepticeye #jse community #jse fanfiction #horror fic #self preservation #idk what happened to my writing style here k #also im sorry #ashes writing corner

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i-am-too-sick · 6 years

Text

And They Failed

I pulled this off my AO3 because I’m rereading the series and, yeah…I just felt like posting it here too. This was actually the first emeto piece I ever wrote and honestly, I’m curious of the kind of reception it’s going to get on here.

It was not often that Raffin began a project without first talking it through with Bann, but it was even more of a sight to have Raffin staring manically down at his work, his hands moving feverishly through supplies.

“What are you working on?” Bann asked, unable to contain his curiosity any further.

“It seems my father has a touch of indigestion.”

“Yes, what of it?”

“Did you see how he picked at his food? He took cautionary measures in choosing to eat the blandest of foods provided to him.”

“If you noticed all this, why didn’t you inquire upon it?”

“And incur Randa’s wrath and feel his heated gaze all through dinner? No thank you.”

Raffin tinkered with several vials in silence, turning some every which way and adding drops here and there. Finally, he poured everything together and stared at it dubiously.

“What are you doing?” Bann asked again.

“If I can create a concoction to cure, or even reduce, his nausea,” Raffin said, never once taking his eyes off the drink before him, “then I’ll be Father’s favorite again.”

Bann snorted. “You are his only son. How can you not be his favorite?”

Here, Raffin looked up, an air of annoyance plainly visible in his raised eyebrow.

“Certainly you know of whom you are speaking.”

“You’re an incorrigible idiot, you know that?”

Raffin smiled.

When Raffin was complete, he took the vial and swished the liquid inside. “It’s finished.”

“How do you know it’ll work?”

“I never give anything to anyone unless I first know of its effectiveness.” At Bann’s quizzical stare, Raffin added, “I test it on myself of course. Are you, by chance, feeling nauseated, Bann?”

Bann swallowed. “I admit I’m feeling a bit queasy just thinking about it.”

“Perfect.”

–

Raffin sat beside his father at dinner, drowning out his insufferable bragging, as per usual. Raffin picked at his food, not particularly interested in it this evening. His mind was currently preoccupied with other things, things that were not appropriate for dinnertime discussion. Or rather, anytime discussion if he was to become king. If only Randa knew what he did in the privacy of his own bedchambers.

He sighed, his stomach making a nauseous gurgling as he thought about the consequences. He put a hand to his stomach, a gesture he was grateful was concealed by the large table before him.

The meal continued as per usual, an affair not escaped by Raffin. His father talked little of him and even less to him, for which Raffin was obliged, considering how awful he had been feeling throughout the course of dinner. Once, when his glass was being refilled with more wine, Raffin found himself having to turn away to avoid losing it all over his dinner plate. He was suddenly stricken with a headache that only worsened with the commotion around him.

“Raffin?”

At the sound of his name, the noise began to die down, but all Raffin really heard was the pounding happening between his ears. He let out a soft moan.

“Lord Prince, are you all right?”

Raffin turned to the source of the voice. It was Randa.

“My apologies,” he said after taking a moment to collect his thoughts. “I’m afraid I’m not–”

He let a tiny belch escape him, and then vomited across his lap. Appalled, he stood clumsily from the table, his last meal still spilling from his lips. He shut his eyes to block out the disgusted look presumably on Randa’s face, but he was distracted by the splattering sounds against the tile and the sounds of several chairs scooting back away from their tables.

When he looked up, his father had stood and backed away several paces from him. This explained why Raffin had heard other chairs and people milling about. Too bad he was too busy heaving his guts to contemplate the formalities of the court.

He gave a final hiccup and sucked in a shuddering breath. He stood for a moment trying to catch his breath, and then awkwardly excused himself to his rooms.

Before he even entered his rooms, the sounds of retching were already audible. Clutching at his midsection, Raffin slowly stumbled inside. The sight of his sitting room sofa was more than inviting, but down the hall, Bann vomited again, leaving Raffin no other choice but to check up on his friend.

He found Bann sprawled on the floor, doubled over a chamber pot. At Raffin’s approach, Bann turned to him, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His face was pale and sweaty.

“I’ll always hate you for this,” Bann muttered. He groaned and leaned forward.

Raffin smiled and probably would have laughed, but he had the distinctive feeling that he was going to be sick again. He staggered towards Bann and relinquished his stomach the last of his meal. Bann was close to follow.

–

An hour later, a healer came into Raffin’s rooms. Both he and Bann had finished being sick long ago and were planning on spending the rest of the evening resting and recuperating from the effects of the infusion. Raffin laid unmoving in his bed, while Bann dozed on the sofa.

Raffin peeled his eyes open groggily at the healer’s touch to his arm. He knew instantly that Randa had only sent her to keep up the pretense that he cared and would not let his only heir suffer at the hands of some vomiting sickness.

“Lord Prince,” the girl said, carefully, before she began her examination.

The healer girl, whose name currently escaped Raffin, evaluated his condition and tended to him to the best of her knowledge and ability. Raffin purposefully forget to mention that this was all due to another one of his experiments; it seemed that Randa had never truly forgiven Raffin for his blue hair, so Raffin found it easier for everyone if he just kept his hobbies to himself.

“Are you currently experiencing any abdominal pain, Prince Raffin?”

“My muscles are a little sore there,” Raffin admitted.

Honestly, he hadn’t hurt this badly since their first Council victory several years ago and Katsa and Bann had taken him out to celebrate. Then there was the time before that when he turned the legal drinking age. He groaned, rolling over onto his back.

“Any fever?”

Raffin shook his head. “How is Bann?”

“Your health proceeds that of others, I’m afraid. King Randa requests an update on your well-being as soon as possible.”

“Amelia,” Raffin said, the girl’s name coming to him just then. “Surely the king can wait another five minutes?”

“No. I have my orders.”

Raffin knew from the hours that he spent with the castle’s healers that Amelia was great at what she did. One of the best, considering her age. But she was stubborn, this Raffin remembered. And he hated it too.

“Please don’t make me use my authority over you.”

“You cannot overrule a king, Prince Raffin.”

Raffin sighed, irritable and tired. “Go then, make your report. But come back immediately. Do you understand?”

“Of course.”

He sighed and listened as Amelia collected her things and left. He had thought that he would be feeling better after having vomited, but he was just plain miserable. His mouth was parched and tasted unpleasantly like his dinner and bile, and his abs throbbed with the unexpected workout he had given them.

He thought about Bann. This was all his fault; if he wasn’t always so receptive of Raffin’s ideas then none of this would have happened. Raffin pondered on that theory and chuckled. Bann or no Bann, Raffin would have done this or something just as stupid anyway.

Rolling over, he turned and watched as the sun began to set.

When Raffin opened his eyes, he was puzzled by the coolness in his rooms. It took him several more seconds to realize he must have fallen asleep, which meant the sun must be gone, bringing with it the chilly night air.

He looked in the direction of his sitting room, listening for any indication of Bann’s presence, but all he heard was the restless sound if his own breathing.

–

Several hours later, Raffin stirred to the feeling of someone shaking him awake. It was morning and the light streaming in through his window blinded him.

Bann handed him a cup. “Drink this,” he said. “It will help the burning in your throat.”

Raffin took the offered drink and chugged it greedily, ignoring as some dribbled down his chin. He took a second to swallow and started, yanking the cup away from his face; the water had a strange aftertaste, like something had been mixed inside.

“What is this?” he demanded.

“Water,” Bann said. “Mixed with some more of the infusion.”

Raffin spluttered angrily and hurled the cup across the room, the cup and the concoction inside be damned. He stared at Bann for several seconds before he was calm enough to find his voice.

“Are you trying to kill me?” he clipped out. “Enjoyed seeing me like this, have you?”

Bann made his way over to Raffin’s bed and attempted to sit beside him.

“Get away from me,” Raffin snarled. “I should have your head for this. I trusted you, with everything. That obviously meant nothing to you. I can’t believe I could let something like this happen. Randa was right: I let my emotions control every part of my life…”

Bann took advantage of the prince’s breathless rant to slowly make his way forward and snake his arms around Raffin’s body. Raffin tensed at the touch and immediately stopped talking. Up close, it was easy to see that Bann was also still suffering the effects of the infusion, if his bloodshot eyes and trembling hands were anything to go by.

“Raff,” Bann whispered into the other’s ear. “Shhh, it’s all right.” When Raffin leaned into Bann’s arms, Bann smiled and continued slowly, “I gave you the infusion, but I modified it.”

“Modified? How?”

“I added a hint of chamomile to ease the stomach. It will work, I promise. I’ve just taken a draught myself.”

“You have?”

Bann nodded. “I won’t give this to anyone unless I’ve tested its effectiveness on myself first,” he said, quoting Raffin’s earlier words.

Raffin smiled.

–

The healer Amelia had returned sometime later, coaxing Raffin and Bann into some soup. Neither of them cared to put anything in their stomachs, but nor did they care to refuse her. Raffin barely had the energy to order the servants to clean his sick bucket, let alone deal with one of Randa’s more persistent healers. Moaning all the while, they had had no choice but to choke down a few mouthfuls of cabbage soup.

Now, however, Raffin could feel it coming, the bubbling from his stomach coupled with the unusual tightening in his throat was an all too familiar feeling at this point. He heaved once, twice, but was relieved when everything managed to stay down. Sitting up, he scrubbed vigorously at his face, feeling horrid.

He swallowed thickly to clear his throat, regretting it instantly when it set off a chain reaction in his body. Sensing the impending doom of gastric rebellion, he threw himself towards his vomit basin, his body awarding him with a torrent of half digested soup pouring forth from his mouth. Midway through, he hiccuped involuntarily, his stomach producing more substance from within. He gasped in between retches, but this particular round seemed heavier than the lasts, and he was having trouble catching his breath around the flood emanating from his insides. He coughed and gagged, tears spilling from his eyes from the force of his heaves. An uncomfortable feeling of lightheadedness began to make itself known, there was a sound like rushing water in his ears, and his heart hammered loudly and painfully inside his chest.

He gave one last shuddering hiccup-heave and choked out a mouthful of bile; there was finally nothing left in his stomach. The vomit swam before his eyes, and Raffin sat back slowly. His head had an odd sensation that it was filled with both cotton and lead, but he managed to get himself to his feet, albeit on very wobbly legs. Had it not been for the sudden arms around his shoulders, Raffin would have crashed back to the floor.

“Easy there,” Bann said into his ear.

Raffin blinked. He decided that he must have been on the verge of serious dehydration not to have realized that Bann was beside him or even that he had been about to fall over. He suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired, so he staggered slowly towards his bed, his body leaning heavily on Bann’s.

Once in bed, Bann walked around to the other side and climbed in beside him. He held a glass up to Raffin’s lips and was not satisfied until Raffin drank every drop of the water offered to him.

“I’m sorry,” Bann said quietly. “That seemed awful.”

Raffin closed his eyes and said unconvincingly, “I’ve had the time of my life just now.” Remembering the timidness in Bann’s voice, he asked seriously, “What are you sorry about?”

“I made you drink the infusion again, even after I swore the chamomile would help.”

Raffin smiled. He could kiss Bann if it weren’t for his dry, vomit-veiled lips.

“You can’t make me doing anything.”

“Do not tempt me, Lord Prince.” Bann’s voice grew deeper and Raffin could hear the smile in his words.

Raffin groaned as his abdominal muscles constricted painfully.

Suddenly, Bann was serious again. “You need to rest.”

He fluffed Raffin’s pillows for him, the jostling movement setting off the prince’s stomach again. Raffin tried to ignore the nearly overpowering roiling in his gut.

“I don’t know if I’m finished yet.”

Bann, seeing the green arising back on Raffin’s cheeks and hearing the vicious gurgle coming from his belly, jumped off the bed and retrieved a clean basin. He set it on the small table by Raffin’s head.

“Just in case,” he said. Realizing how tired they both were, he added, “I’m canceling all your appointments and appearances for tomorrow.”

“No, you can’t do that,” Raffin said, although his voice indicated that that’s exactly what he wanted Bann to do.

“But I will. Your father and anyone who’s anyone at court witnessed how unwell you are, they’ll understand.”

Raffin nodded. “I received a letter from Katsa two nights ago–she’s on her way to the The Middluns.”

“Then you’ll want to be in top form when she arrives.”

A thought suddenly occurred to Raffin. “Bann?” he asked sleepily.

“Hmm?” Bann had taken to playing softly with the tresses of Raffin’s hair, which was lulling them both into a state of drowsiness.

“How have you escaped being ill? Surely we’ve suffered through the same amount of infusion and that horrible soup forced on us by that healer woman.”

Raffin felt Bann shrug beside him. “I am no more immune than you, Raff. I have a terrible feeling in my belly now.”

Raffin seemed content with that answer and fell into silence. Bann stretched his arms high above them and laid his head down on the pillow beside Raffin’s. When he turned to see if the other was comfortable, he saw that Raffin was already asleep. His breathing was shallow and his brows were knit together as though he was in pain. Bann sighed and moved the basin closer–Raffin was sure to need it again, and he was prepared to comfort him in what was bound to be another long night.

#raffin #bann #bitterblue #the seven kingdoms #the seven kingdoms trilogy #emetophilia #my fiction

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