#i have new triggers now

[gxlden-angels]

I cannot express the anger I experience being unable to do anything about anything while Christians salivate over the idea of the Israel-Hamas conflict being a sign of the Rapture

#anyways Free Palestine #Hamas attacked innocent people #The Israeli government is terrorizing innocent civilians that just want the right to live #Jewish people deserve to have land where they are safe to go to if there is another rise in antisemitic attacks in their current home #Palestinians deserve to have their homeland respected and safe for them to live on #All of these statements can be true at the same time #and I say all of this from the safe comfort of the US #I am not the one that you should listen to about the situation. #I am not the one who you should trust to give correct information about what is going on because I get the same information you do #We should be listening to Palestinians and the Israeli civilians affected #And unfortunately the news in the US is based on Christians who want nothing more than to escalate this #They do not want to recognize Palestinians unless it brings about a world war that triggers the Rapture #And I am enraged by it #I know people currently living in Israel #I know students from Palestine #And I am infuriated by christians treating them like pawns in their little Jesus War #These are people. These are fucking people #They are friends and family and lovers and so much more #I genuinely cannot express just how frustrated I am by my inability to do anything as I sit in safety #If you get nothing else from this post please listen to Palestinians and the war crimes they've experienced for decades now #If you get nothing else please listen to Israeli civilians begging for their government to stop escalating this conflict #Please listen to Jewish people and Muslims when they say shit like this increases violence against them around the world #Anyways I'm at the doctor and someone had CNN on and I'm tired #antisemitism tw #islamophobia tw #israel-hamas war tw #rapture tw

[danothan]

tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things

#sounds kinda obvious but i only just realized it lmao #feels like i have to grieve a lot of my goals now but no one said the healing process would be easy #danbles #and for anyone else that has a disability that prevents them from doing smth #or trauma that makes certain triggers limit their opportunities #or neurotypes that make it harder for them to love smth like they used to #or whatever else #i don’t want to make it sound like you have to give up on the things that make you happy #I’M certainly not going to #but a huge value of mine has always been experiencing everything life had to offer #and everytime that backfires (whether it’s burnout; triggering a flashback; triggering an episode; putting strain on my body; etc) #i always just thought to myself ‘it was bad timing’ or ‘i haven’t gotten better yet’ bc the endgoal was to always get to that point where #i could experience it. i want to try new things all the time. i want to feel normal and be included in everything #but if smth keeps Making Me Feel Bad then maybe there isn’t a version of myself that can take it on #it’s not resilience to put yourself in harm’s way #idk how well i’ll be able to put this into practice tbh. i rly rly like exploring different experiences #even negative ones are valuable to me #but the least i can do for myself is recognize that i might not always be the problem #maybe i’ve already hit the limit on all the self-work i can do. maybe it’s the environment or situation itself that’s the problem #fuuck guys ​i feel like i’m going thru a stage of grief here why is this shit so hard 💀

[gibbearish]

kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it

#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you #youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying #and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away #like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right? #like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine #peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that #in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids #by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to #which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering #things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much #idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it #like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch #so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling #like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right? #and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression #bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad #and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn #so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference #idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough #just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more

[soldier-poet-king]

I need to learn to meditate

I have to stop being externally dependent on moods and events for peace. I need to learn to quiet my thoughts without external aids. I need to be able to calm myself. I want desperately to be able to just sit and do that. It would be good for me in so many ways

Everything is getting worse and traditional prayer is hard and mostly sends me spiralling into panic attacks or trauma induced nausea

Send me your fave books/lectures/resources/etc on meditation. Esp for big dumb idiots who don't know how to do anything.

#no but fr i am genuinely asking for recs and resources #the internet is full of sm bullshit #which yes i CAN sort thru. but if someone could give me some directions that would be nicr #also. if u r reading this and are a well meaning but misguided christian and feel the need to come warn me about the spiritual dangers #and how meditation is linked to pagan or new age religions or whatever. consider. dont do that. i dont care #go read some thomas merton and maybe youll calm down #(i dont think merton has a guide but ykwim) #literally was starting yoga at school eons ago and it was so good #and a well meaning scare tactic christian triggered my ocd so bad i stopped #and now my hip is too fucked for it #but i miss the peace i had that one semester #and i want that emptiness. that awareness #its not prayer but its the next best thing #i cant be filled with god but the emptiness is close. if all peace has a divine source or whatever #idk i really am just #needing to. stop my brain and my heart #and have a peaceful self emptying in a non harmful way #i need to learn to inhabit myself without panic

[itspileofgoodthings]

💕💚

#so. Rambling on this my 28th birthday #I think I might have some kind of hormonal/mood imbalance #maybe. I think that could be likely #and I also think I have very fast emotional cycles #so I work through things quickly #and so I’m in kind of a pattern right now where I post in utter anguish #and the anguish is REAL and I am by no means faking it #but then it resolves. Not even the thing that causes the anguish but the feeling itself #and I just feel better and then I move on #and I am trying to get somewhat of a handle on what exactly it is #and I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation of what I post #but I guess also I would like to #and I think—as I type this out—that what’s happening to me right now #is TWO things #and one of those things is the very real very new pains of adulthood and life #that are hitting me like a shock to the system #but then ALSO some old emotional echoes that need to be purged from my psyche #that are not in fact how I want to deal with things or react to things #but which flare up in response to triggers #and cause anguish so bad it is literally physical #and I would love to be able to distinguish between the two #because there IS much that is hard and scary and painful and confusing in my personal life right now #and also there are simply old wounds and fears at play that I would like very much to set down #and allow myself to change. In response to which I would like to choose a new way of thinking!!!! #a truer and different attitude! #and yeah. it’s so hard. It’s SO HARD. It’s SO HARD TO ACCEPT THAT IT’s BOTH and it just AHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHJJ #!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway thank you for listening and for seeing and for taking the cries of anguish posts #I guess I just wanted a follow-up of some kind #because sometimes I feel insane and I feel like I LOOK insane #and it’s awful

[lildoodlenoodle]

Not the spiderverse art book restarting the dying down Hobie age discourse. With the Japanese version implying he’s a ‘young boy’(I think that’s what it was either way either way) and the book saying ‘he’s much older than miles..’(smth like that either way either way) and it’s like seriously? Again? AGAIN?

The directors said it’s up to interpretation. And the only reason(w/ the exclusion of the people thinking he’s like 30 cause that’s weird and gross, re-examine some racial biases)that people are so adamant he is or isn’t a minor is because of shipping! Whether it’s with one of the spider teens or with OCs or justifying self shipping it’s weird! It’s weird that that’s the reason people are going nuts over this shit and dying on their respective hills. And let people have their HCs holyshit.

And to reiterate: it’s not proshipping/pedoshit if someone HCs Hobie as a teen and ships them with one of the spider teens. It’s not necessarily fetishization and is not pedoshit if people HC him as a young adult and do self ships or whatever else goes on there.

It’s fandom let people fuck around. Something doesn’t have to be justified as morally wrong for you not to like it. Stop trying to force your own Head Canons, key word HEAD as in the canon in your head, onto other people.

Sorry for the rant I just cannot believe it’s still going.

#I’ll say it again #head canons #as in the canon IN YOUR HEAD #ik part of the problem is people are new to fandom spaces/culture and don’t entirely understand HCs #sorry I’m getting so heated but this is like the stupidest shit to see people get stuck on as someone who has been here for awhile #like actually dealing with ACTUALLY problematic ships and this is what y’all think is problematic now??? ITS IN YOUR HEAD BESTIE #like the ghostpunk. punkflower. and chaipunk ships aren’t for me but I do love and appreciate the art! #never rlly been into self inserts either. idk just not my thing tbh #didn’t even rlly know what proshipping was till the Hobie brown stuff #y’all are KILLING ME #it’s funny but it’s also annoying to see it all over my feed #so now we all have to suffer #there isn’t even really a tag for me to filter it out #I’m gonna put some triggers just cause I was less eloquent than I could’ve been lol #tw pedophila mention #age discourse ig

[wingsy-keeper-of-songs]

Had an idea with another Tav where she is a daughter of a noble Elvish house in Athkatla born to a family of mostly wizards (there are a few instances of sorcery here and there, and it's a family joke that they're the product of sordid affairs ((all said lovingly the family is a kind one)) and she is a Wild Magic Sorceress who has surges when experiencing intense emotions. She's able to have a hold on it until she reaches marrying age and she's arranged to marry a human man from a noble house who is also a mage (he's very similar to Lorroakan actually) and he turns out to be extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive which causes her Wild Magic to surge out of control.

Her family is not sure where these surges have come from (they don't believe such a good match could turn out to be so toxic) so they lock the poor girl up to keep her from harming herself and others. She's still due to marry the Shitty Betrothed, but only once she gets her shit together.

She starts to spiral downwards and her parents decide she needs a change of scenery and take her to Baldur's Gate for a vacation. And then the mind-flayers come....

#i'll put some trigger warnings if ya'll need them #but yeah i want to do a wild magic sorcerer run and have some kinda trauma linked to it #and now she can trauma bond with her new friends #she's going to be fun to rp with i can tell #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #tw: emotional abuse #tw: psychological abuse

[dreamlogic]

2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)

#ctxt #i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70% #i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections #to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh #going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long #while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time #but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed #to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach #and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me #and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually #i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op) #but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever #i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it #money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out #but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now #genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year #and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough #to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last #in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was #bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive #and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there #but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety #it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself' #and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time? #and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it #i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults #i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed #instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things #and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need #chronic blogging

[qqueenofhades]

"Weaponization of the Federal Government." I just....I just can't.

#hilary for ts #politics for ts #breaking news: fascists who relentlessly used the most extreme version of the government in the worst ways #now have a Big Sad that oh no they got investigated a little bit #their fee fees are hurt!!! #oh no @triggered!!!! #as usual every republican accusation is a confession #they whine and wail about Snowflakes because they are the most insecure whiny vicious little snowflake brats on the planet #yeah good job guys really working for the American People here #we are in for two years of this #i gotta pace myself #but also jesus ROLLERSKATING CHRIST #the ceo of the trump org got... five months in jail today #STEVE BANNON IS SOMEHOW NOT IN PRISON #and trump is still free to foment insurrections to his heart's content #you wanna talk about Justice well uh that has not happened #and yet you hypocritical pissclowns are just crying and crying #lololololollol

[hoverboards-and-dragons]

mmmmmm Caliyork angst

California is protective brother first and foremost with an learned distaste for familial authority, the one who's job it is to push away his own feelings to see people for who they really are and them keep those people as far away from the people he loves as possible while they heal

York is/was a shitty parent who only barely acknowledge it

they're laying quietly in bed together, sharing stories and bonding about growing up as colonies and it's this slow build of Cal hearing of hand comments about Gov's earlier days and he just keeps asking more and more pointed questions

until

They were both sitting up now, New York felt Cal's judgment openly bore into him. It had been a time since he'd been the target of such pure disdain from him.

York felt his own hackles raise in defence. "We all made mistakes in those early days, Continental Congress was made for a purpose, he was- just- just-"

"A tool?" York missed the searing venom behind Cal's words, the weight with which they fell from his mouth.

"Yes!" He was exasperated, over trying to justify two hundred year old actions to a state who could never understand, who wasn't there for the chaos and the uncertainty.

The silence that followed was a welcomed break. Until York made the mistake of meeting Cal's eyes.

The disgust was still there but then there was this prominent, inexplicable personal hurt.

His eyes raked over York, desperately searching for something that wasn't there. He forced a sudden joyless laugh. "Not an ounce of remorse in you, is there?"

"It wasn't ideal."

"You abused a child." He stated it so plainly, so confidently, as if a hundred other factors weren't involved at the time. "or let a child get abused, whatever you prefer."

York snapped at that. "He wasn't a child!"

With that, Cal began to get out of their bed.

"Where are you going?"

"Out." His movements were clumsy, distracted. "Away. I-" he took a breath. "I need to think."

The panic that rushed through York didn't make sense but he couldn't bring himself to doubt it as he stumbled out of bed after him. "You're leaving- you're running away over - This?"

"Nothing, is more important to me than this, York!"

"Nothing?" he asked quietly.

"No nothing, If I had to choose between your life and my brother's, there wouldn't be hesitation."

Cal took the moment of stunned silence to snap away. Leaving New York to his own raging thoughts.

#that statement isn't even true #there would be so much hesitation and consideration and pain #it was just really emotionally charged #got the point across tho #whoops ny fell for the obvious bait of Cal's trigger term for his daddy issues #York being a loved one and also the kinda person Cal protects people from #ope hes having a crisis look what you did York #wonder if 'do I only like him cause he reminds me of my abusive dad' is a thing Cal has to ask himself now #making my fav relationships a little dysfunctional #for flavour #wttt #welcome to the table #wttsh #welcome to the statehouse #ben brainard #wttt california #wttt new york #wttt caliyork #wttt fanfic

[coquelicoq]

just got a biopsy to see if my [checks notes] 15-week period is because of cancer. however then my friends drove me to get chocolate and the new martha wells novel so, you know, there are pros and cons here.

#the epic highs and lows of having a uterus #highs: people buy you chocolate!! #lows: all the other stuff :( #anyway i am. a lil stressed out lol #also pretty lightheaded! i'm not really even sure why because ok so yeah i was already anemic from the 15 weeks of bleeding #plus i was anemic before that also #plus there was a lot of blood during the biopsy. but i feel like that blood was just the stuff in my uterus that'd be coming out anyway #as opposed to new blood from within my veins or something #and i'm still sick lolllll #so it's a fun time. BUT! martha wells novel! and i lent all systems red to a friend who will hopefully become obsessed with murderbot #and talk to me about it constantly! (<-my endgame at all times) #it's so funny every time i've been to the doctor they're like 'date of your last period?' and i'm like april 9th. and it is ongoing. #and then we just 😬 at each other #anyway cross your fingers for me. apparently if the biopsy comes back negative they don't have other ideas for what could be going on #not sure how to feel about that. obviously i don't want to have cancer but it's very stressful not knowing what is going on #do i just bleed forever indefinitely??? i'll be real with you lads that doesn't seem great :/ #she was like next step would be to put in a hormonal iud and i was like that is absolutely not an option that i will consider #i would sooner get a hysterectomy #so idk maybe i will get a hysterectomy! biopsy results in a week. okay. ending the tags now #if anybody wants me to trigger tag for cancer mentions let me know and i can definitely do that going forward <3

[plsleafmelon]

kay seems like all the 5th (or is it 4.5... idr anymore hais) anniv stuff on cn is out and zuo les kit looks sick as hell (or smth id use at least) man will have a very pretty place in my roster. shu on the other hand... man suiknights is expensive bro dont do this to me

#i barely have all the siblings to trigger her talent #idh nian so its like gang gang hao 3 sui sibs #everyones complaining that its expensive and ya they r so right i hope i get a free sui sib (cope) #the skins are surprisingly neat tho #new skin brand drop: devotion (for vday) #harmonie now has huge badabonkandokoners and arene looks like a toxic yaoi ml #100% building arene just so i can use that skin cos its so pretty #chongyues skin looking kinda eh tho not a fan rly #lin cant see too well so ig ill just wait till the sprite drops ig #so hyped for zuo le ngl i wish i cld get him too..... #gotta wait for that 6 months again

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

feeling weird mixed feelings atm and I can't really logic them away, ig? on the one hand I'm completely apathetic about it. on the other hand there's a part of me that's absolutely horrified that I could do something like that. the fact that it's still a consistent low-level pain the whole time also doesn't help. anyway those kinds of thoughts are then making me want to harm again to cope with them but also a) it's manageable and b) I currently have a deep horror of self-inflicted pain after the last few days apparently.

#more specific blatherings in the tags so im gonna get them below the read more in case anyone doesn't want to read it #tw sh #because yes this is about the last few days and im gonna add a few more words to get the rest below the read more #the fact that while they aren't as deep as i've ever gone before they are unquestionably in volume far exceeding any #before. not that i count at the time or anything but there are at least sixty new cuts from the last week so no wonder it's painful #but yeah it's just. an interesting emotional feeling once the pressure that triggered them is gone #i don't know i don't understand myself really #glad i have a psych appointment monday really #if i didn't have one booked i'd probably be booking one about now #also bothered by how visible the ones on my wrist are going to be. #hopefully the redness will go away soon bc i don't think they're quite healed yet #teatree oil is helping tho so hopefully they won't be TOO obvious #the location means that yeah they will be visible but hopefully not too too much #and after all i have only for-sure hit the fat layer twice. maybe a few other times. there are a couple taking ages to heal atm #so they might've idk. and i haven't gone any deeper than that #honestly with the wrist ones the fact is that it was blunt and i couldn't #sharpen it at hte time. perhaps tmi but yeah this may have saved my life and or my hand function #but i might be overstating it. anyway apparently that was three weeks and one day ago?? wow #guys that entire day i was convinced i wasn't going to live to see the morning. the WHOLE DAY #i literally have a commie newspaper on my desk currently because they tried selling it at uni and i was so existential i was just like. #'what is life. what is money. who cares' and bought it. see this is the funny story i referred to. i can elaborate #personal #puddleglum hours #tw suicide

[izzy-b-hands]

today should be a t break day

bc I'll need it to be more effective in the coming days if we see family, and then I'll have the survey shifts

but since late last night i keep randomly nearly breaking into tears and thinking abt the stupidest shit that needs to stay in the box in my brain

so idk. maybe it will be. it is thus far. but I'm not leaving my room without a container of some edible or another in my pocket either

#text post #no idea where the fuck this came from and it kept me up until fucking four in the fucking morning #but only NEARLY crying my body/brain still won't let me FULLY cry #and i did email my prior doc with a 'can i ask u just abt this one current symptom and if it is abt what i think & ill send u 20 bucks even' #she said no to the twenty bucks but said yeah it does sound like my ptsd has been triggered by multiple things over the last year #and the not being able to cry is a part of it. my body's trying to protect me from feeling anything abt it and breaking down #and part of that means not letting the tears fall so there's no physical acknowledgement of any feelings #which is what i was thinking was going on but it's nice to confirm it with someone who knows their shit #doesn't fix it but at least i know. #the thing is that the triggers are like. good? bc im in a healthier safer environment now with ppl that don't do what my mum & fam do to me #but it means my brain is learning just how much of a lot of it Wasn't Normal and was actually Pretty Harmful and that's. #i want my brain to just accept and get over that already tbh. okay so that's the case it doesn't change anything???? #why are we still thinking abt it and having feelings over it at this point bc that feels like a waste of time #there are no apologies I'll get for things that happened from when i was younger and there's no closure it just Is What It Is #I'm tired of even wanting to cry over it when I'd rather be throwing myself into making money & being productive art-wise #it manages to interrupt so many fucking facets of my life like #whatever. anyway considering a music au new draft where ed and izzy meet seth. and immediately offer to kill him for Pickles aksnsjfnfgj

[mejomonster]

Goodbye 2023. Wrote 30,000 words of my Danny story, 20,000 words of my Freyna story, 25,000 words of my Khan story, 13,000 words of my Celest story, 48,000 words of fanfiction, and including notes and scraps I wrote 211,007 words in 2023! >o<)/ a lot of fucking words!!!

(Also future me, now you can find this next year to find out how much more u wrote)

I did not hit last years goal of finishing one of my original stories. But on the bright side, I did write over one novel's Worth of words. So here's to hoping this new year I focus more on One story at a time so I can start finishing things. I'll count this as a kind of win. (I'd still like to finish at least one of my original stories before January ends just so I can say I've finally finished one asap lol)

In other news. This past year, sunday, I had italian bread with butter. I had lemon cake this year. I had pizza, the last two days in a row. I have had a waffle almost every day of the week. I still have to take benedryl if I overdo it, or more gi medicine if I really screw up. But this time last year I couldn't touch bread, pasta, waffles, any wheat. This time last year I was dreaming and hoping miserably I'd get to have toast and pizza again. That I'd be able to risk any dairy. Any wheat. My only severe allergy left now is potato. I'm still a ways away from being able to stop needing my gi meds to eat. But rhe fact I simply CAN eat, most days, relaibly without worrying I won't be able to the next day? Awesome. I had a bad flare in August and was on a liquid diet and feared I'd never eat yummy food again. And all of 2022 was awful mush. I'm so so grateful I can eat a waffle, and will probably still be able to eat the next day. I'm going to sincerely hope now this is the year I'll be able to transition off of needing gi meds.

#rant #new year #my health issues #mejo writing #regarding the health stuff: i have gastroparesis. it was worse last year. i was on liquid or mush diet #during flares im unfortunately still eating mushy solids and mainly liquods #but my flares are shorter now #and less food is triggering flares now #it used to be 1 risk of eating bread like a small piece of toast and i had nausea 4 days puking and couldnt use bathroom #now i can eat about 2 handfuls of wheat daily and dont get a flare up unless i surpass that amount #im still angry i meed my 3 daily meds or else i will be in the ER in a couple weeks from vomiting and unable to use bathtoom #but im hoping as i keep gradually tolerating solid foods more... that hopefully ill be able to lower and eventually stop my expensive meds #i want my gi tract to heal and work the way its supposed to healthily again #and during the health issues my allergies got worse. but ive been taking a probiotic i happen to tolerate #and gradually my food allergies have gotten less severe (except potato. i got way worse allergies to potato now)

[blujayonthewing]

well I just spent an hour digging through my own dnd notes and social media and also almost cried because I mentioned, in passing, something justin had said about one of his NPCs and he, completely lightheartedly, was like '?? I don't remember that at all. [I mean I'm not making it up?] I think you might be making it up 😏'

#me-- instantly stressed and near tears: I know you're joking and it's not even important but. that isn't funny. to me. #I really wish there was a term for 'gaslighting but they're not doing it on purpose' #this is distinct from simply 'being wrong' because 'that's definitely not what happened 🤨' is a key part of it #the other person trying to convince me that I'm wrong and I must be crazy-- not for manipulation purposes but because THEY forgot #and are MUCH more confident in the possibility that I'm completely full of shit than that they maybe can't remember exactly #this is an extraordinarily specific thing that nonetheless happens to me ASTONISHINGLY OFTEN. #I mean clearly often enough that I'm now hair-trigger sensitive upset about it #AND TO CLARIFY QUICKLY-- that's not what justin even did (this time) but 'well I don't remember that' is still... #OKAY WELL I DO. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER BELIEVE ME. #trembling and crying searching for Receipts while explaining to my husband that it's not even that I don't think he believes me (this time) #I just. I just. I just. I'm not fucking crazy. I know you don't think I'm crazy. but I still feel like I Have to prove it. #my mom sending a package to the wrong address and then saying-- confidently and irritably-- 'you never GAVE me a unit number' #when I can scroll back up through texts to where I sent her our new address when we moved and it was complete and correct #my friend during our big stupid fight saying 'no one actually AGREED to that [dnd] plan except you and justin 😒' #going back into my audio recording to that conversation where everyone BUT him agreed #including his fucking pick-me 'yeah jay's being shitty right now' brother whose character said 'this sounds like a good plan' verbatim #like. I KNOW it's not just 'my memory vs theirs and we both assume we're right' #because SO OFTEN when this happens I have FUCKING RECEIPTS. that I'M NOT WRONG OR CRAZY. #no one ever wants to entertain the notion that I might know what I'm talking about. #I can't stress enough that I'm not mad at justin right now he was very much 'no I believe you! it's weird that I don't remember though' #which is fair! honestly! but I'm a LITTLE. sensitive. of the fact that everyone always ALWAYS automatically assumes I'm incorrect #and very often in a way that's a mark against my competence or character. #'well *I* couldn't *possibly* have gotten the address wrong so YOU must have fucked it up' #you know. it's like that. it's like that a lot. #maybe this only happens to me so much because I happen to be cursed with remembering things better than most people #or maybe I'm uniquely viewed as incompetent. who can say. #about me