#i just feel so lost and disconnected

[dubiouslexism]

not to be a freak but i have no clue what i'm supposed to want to do for my birthday

#it's my 21st #and it's supposed to be a big deal i guess #it's a week away now #and literally all i can think is that my mom is going... #i was going to write is going to die #she already passed. she already passed. it's august second 2022 #it'll be my first year without her #she was in the hospital last year and i thought she wouldn't remember bc she was struggling with the months #kept saying it was june #and then the first thing she said was happy birthday to me #i remember. i don't know when. i can't remember when. but she said for my 21st we'd go to vegas #and play black jack in the swimming pools #i just want to wake up and this past year was an elaborate nightmare #even if i wake up and it's still august 2021 and she's still in the hospital #at least she's still here #goddamn it i made myself cry #i just feel so lost and disconnected #on the bright side i listened to mer sketiana's advice and got some allays and they. help. #somehow they help

[bottombaron]

whenever i think abt writing Nandor and i get going thru a series of sequences of him behaving like a well-adjusted, caring, adult i have to stop myself, backspace several mental paragraphs and remember that he's basically a semi-captive lion being observed in a nature documentary and he functions on 92% Id

#wwdits #what we do in the shadows #nandor #nandor the relentless #neat fanfic trick: if you're nandor is behaving ooc like a normal well adjusted empathetic human being just ask yourself #“what would a lion do in this exact scenario?” #and whatever the absurdity it's probably closer to the truth than not #anyways i have a lot to say abt the amorality of the vampires and how they simply don't function with the same human ethical thought #but that doesnt mean they dont care and love and have social behaviors of their own that shouldnt be judged less than #and will express those emotions in ways that might feel foreign to most humans #...is what i say to myself to keep from crying as i delete 3 pages of nandor talking out his feelings 😭😭😭 #(also brief note: when i say he functions on Id its not that he lacks intelligence or the capacity to use it along with his ego/super ego) #(as seen in the s5 finale) #(but rather he's an apex predator so his whole being is funneled into traits for hunting. not other things we think show intelligence) #(in the mordern non hunting/gathering world) #(which is partially why he's so disconnected from the world and struggles to find purpose in an environment that no longer values him) #(truthfully nandor is human but simply the definition of humanity has changed rapidly from what it valued centuries before) #(and leaves nandor lost) #(except for guillermo. his one connection to humanity and what anchors him to the modern world 🥲) #(...looks like i got lost in the tags again...)

[cinna-bunnie]

not me and my manager trauma bonding over mommy issues 💀💕 i love her aksksk oof i had to go smoke and Think after this one

i love when our one on ones are basically like lol i don't have much 2 talk about this wk and we get like 40m to hang n talk after getting work stuff out the way. she is such a sweetie and so fun (❁´◡`❁)

#i talked about my intro 2 adulthood and what it was like around before/when i left home and how my sis was just 10 when i left #so we never rly got to be close n i just started talking 2 her this year. but the last thing i told my mom was she lost her son forever #and that she better not fuck up with my sister - and she took it to heart fr which was Great for my sister. #she grew up v loved and supported and idk as the eldest u have complicated feelings being the experiment child. #and as an older sibling u are genuinely happy ur younger sibling has it so much better but there's this disconnect where u both have #Very very different feelings about ur mom and family in general ig. but it's from having lived different lives and idk. #she relates though 😔💕 oldest sibs rly b dealing w moms that tear them down then watch w bittersweet feelings that ur sibs get a better #life. my life itself is fine lol im kinda stoned (⁠｡⁠ﾉ⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠) but like. a good loving childhood. support. community n never feeling like #there's Nothing for u here. she's turning 21 in December it's crazy how time flies. I'm glad she's doing good but I'm just thinking about #how we had Very different lives and stuff going on in our late teens 😮‍💨 #bless my manager fr i'm glad we got to get into it !! 😹 i can see why i miss her when we don't get to meet for the week

[teethbomb]

alador blight fan mood board

#Im trying so hard not to engage I feel like a bomb #I know his arc was handled badly but the shortening of the owl house should be the give away #And I personally think that the boards weren’t only cut for time!! #People are really mad he was redeemed at all but I think we forget that this guy was intended to portray a victim of abuse #Abuse shouldn’t have to be physical for it mean something #No I am not excusing what he did what he did was shitty but what I am saying is I don’t think he knew that #He thought what he was doing was in the kids best interest and when amity confronted him his eyes opened #I’ve seen people call him spineless and “woobified” and that is lost on me entirely #He stood up to Odalia and broke everything when he found out about her goals #He still has his temper he’s just not lashing out on his kids #Claims of him being turned soft don’t make sense to me because he’s been chasing butterflies the whole time! He was under Odalia s thumb #Until he learned it was hurting his kids and he stood up. #His arc isn’t perfect it’s far from it but the guy was in an abusive relationship for most of his life #I Can see the disconnect some are having but I think we’re really focusing too hard on some cut scenes #I Can see people getting upset with him especially those who relate to amity but I think it’s ironically pushing blame #Not everything can be pinned on Odalia but I think we should let abuse victims grow no matter their age #I guess it just makes me sad to see a character I see so much of myself in being dragged like this lol #Alador blight

[monstriiss]

.

#gonna get kinda heavy in the tags since im stuck on mobile and cant drop a read more but i need to vent fam squad #god I want to come back but i just don't know how to talk #like i feel like i cant just spring back into conversation like everything is okay and fine #because its not and i dont know how to get over the mental barrier of talking about normal things #it's a really weird feeling and i know im isolating myself but i just dont know what else to do #like i can talk to my family that were there for it. i can talk to people that have been through it #idk i just feel really disconnected #my friends try to talk to me about things and i just cant relate anymore #and they dont get it either. none of my friends have lost their parents and especially havent seen someone die #and they dont know how to talk about it so now its like none of us bother #theres things that happened that i cant say and tbh im pretty haunted #to them its been ages since mum died but to me its only two weeks and still feels like yesterday #i think im pulling away just so i dont have to deal with the hurt of being dropped first #im glad that i have some good close friends that i CAN talk to about things and im so grateful for them #but hoooo boy everything hits different now #tiejfkeie boy am i glad i get to see my therapist tomorrow dkfjskfndk #;; ooc. #death tw #parent death tw #negative tw #;; tbd.

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[mayoiayasep]

to be completely honest i donthink ive processed a single negative emotion ive had for about the past year

#nyx yells #like i just feel so disconnected from people and from myself so often now and like. i know i should do something about it but i dont think- #-i could make it if i actually. cared about thing properly. it feels like i locked all my feelings somewhere and then lost the key #ventish

[the-acid-pear]

It's not easy to be a guy with a weird gender and complicated relationships with its sexuality and romantic attraction and fat and autistic and traumatized to the bone but someone has to do it

#luly talks #i tried to rb a post but i hit post limit and i lost it LMAO but i find it interesting how my things overlap #bc as some of you might know i grew up as a fat little girl and you know the world fucking hates us #and on top of that autistic although i had the most neurodivergent ppl along w me #i still wasn't like my other friends tho i always was slightly more lonely slightly more disconnected #they were in on things i didn't seem to be in the social spectrum and i never understood that #and one of those things was indeed romance and dating and in my teen years sex too #like by default i was seen as undesirable. just by virtue of being fat and also kinda androgynous #and the autism just. kept me far away from any social circle or interaction that'd bring me closer to an encounter of any kind #and i always yearned lord knows i still dream of Ana but the thing is i... #i just. love romance in paper #i love the idea of romance. i love the yearning i love the feeling #i know the feeling bc i know euphoria! i know the euphoria that comes from love. #but to me that's a very short lived feeling specially when engaging directly with it #i think its part of a matter of being taught what romantic attraction is and how they paint it #it's similar to how you are taught X and Y is hot even before you understand why #like i remember my mother always joking w me about male mannequins' cocks and like sure i played along #bc i thought it was funny and if the adult i seeked approval from did it then i absolutely should too #but she also scolded me once (and btw i was like 15) bc idk i was acting. like a perv? #and it's so bizarre in retrospective bc it might have been before the age of 15 bc i really didn't care about such matters then #I've always been amaizing at masking i love understanding people and why they do what they do and replicating them #so me being positive to sex and romance is to be expected #but at the same time its weird bc i cannot bring myself to hating it but i also just. dont fucking feel it #but at least w sex comes the horror of having a body too like there's a lot man #but my point is that its funny how despite being seen as undesirable for society i was unaffected bc i was oblivious to it

[theloveinc]

Ok at this point like . How are we feeling about other people adding shit onto your posts?

#LMFAO NOT A VAGUE NOT HOSTILE #my therapist just keeps telling me to remove ‘but’ from my vocabulary so I can acknowledge when things are hurtful but may be unreasonable #to be upset about #but I’m just wondering bc I stopped doing that when it seemed like people got a little miffed about permission and asking and first and stuf #but now I feel like we’re doing it again #and idk how to feel #adding our own thoughts I mean #esp when the person doesn’t follow me and I really like their writing and wish they did #they followed me on ihb like two days before I switched blogs #and just didn’t ever follow me here #which I’m not expecting ofc no one has to follow anyone #but recently I’ve felt a little like :( bc I feel kinda disconnected from other writers #and have lost some other moots I liked too and idk why #idk and it’s a ME problem to be sensitive #but it’s on my mind (and it’s on my mind? idk) #anyway lol #just a lil ranty rant #caitie blabs

[lesbiansanemi]

I need to Get Out of the Midwest. I think it’s draining me of all life and energy like some kind of regional soul-sucking vampire

#everything just constantly feels so miserable and ugly here #the landscape. the vibes. the people #idk. I used to not mind the Midwest that much #but in the past year I feel like I’m gnawing on the bars of a too small kennel #or some kind of enclosure not meant for me #idk maybe I’m being dramatic. but just. rah rah rah #I do not think I could live the majority of my life here I would go insane #I think part of it is also I just want/need to start over somewhere completely new #I’ve lost connections with literally everyone I’ve known my whole life #I am not close with my family and hate most of them and my friends…. #ugh. that’s a whole other post that essentially boils down to #I have lost the vast majority of my friends in the past year and honestly it’s a relief #because we were so incomparably different and I’ve realized a lot of them kinda didn’t treat me/others well #and once I had that realization there was no going back I could not comfortably be around them #there are only two ppl in this vague area that I still feel deeply connected to and care about in a fierce way #(Lee and Jordan you are the real ones) #and idk. I just. I hate where I live I hate my job I don’t feel truly connected to ANYTHING anymore #if I’m going to be so disconnected from everyone around me and feel like I’m constantly just wandering around #I feel I should at least do it somewhere I would enjoy the actual location of more #but I am stupid and resigned my lease #so I have to stay here for at least another year #unless I wanna be REAL dumb and irresponsible #but I’m too anxious for that kinda thing #as much as I daydream I could not uproot myself to move and massive distance without an insane amount of planning #and decent financing plans #so el oh el #kaz rambles

[lifblogs]

If you see me online, no you didn’t.

#i need to limit my screen time #but it is so hard not talking to anyone but my brother #he’s great #i just feel lost and disconnected

[the-kipsabian]

.

#death // #really tho just. losing two family members within a week from one another is. really rough #even if it is from natural causes and old age it still feels very sudden #and even if we werent that close it still hurts #little things remind me of the grandparents i dont have anymore. like making dinner and realizing im not eating their cooking again #or my grandmas favorite songs. its just. rough #im just thinking a lot. and not looking forward to two funerals within the next few weeks #just.. yeah. i feel kinda fucked up on the inside. more so than usually but for once not cause of myself #its. odd to me. grief hasnt really been constant in my life in years. apart from losing my brothers cat few years ago #before that i lost my other grandma like eleven years ago. since then immediate family has been okay #its just weird. i dont really know how to grief. it comes in waves and odd memories and it feels really.. idk. off to me #ive had few crying fits over some random things but i just feel. numb. maybe its cause of the sudden frequency of these #or cause i dont know how to deal. its strange to me. feels out of place to mourn something other than what i made myself lost #maybe its cause while there was a connection there was a larger disconnection. i havent seen either of them since covid started #idk. regrets and shit and whatnot. i just feel all but nothing at the same time #just. just saying. idk. just wanna clean my brain a little. its been a difficult day. sorry #night is an absolute mess on main

[oscill4te]

tag vent bc grosss (vent about ex tw)

#filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler tag #sooooooooooooooo #snapchat will give you notifications if a contact has a snap account.. and i think my ex just made one #he is 43 and very tech illiterate (for lack of better word) like. hes just not that good with technology #so seeing him on there grosses me out either he is still a p*rn addict & paying for exclusive snaps or he is gr**ming somebody #i feel dysregulated and very grossed out atm. idk what hes doing on there its not my business but beinf reminded of him makes me wanna kms #being with him was the most shameful thing ive ever done in my life and therapy doesnt help nothing helps #only blindly numbing myself with distractions helps and avoiding the town he lives in completely #i feel so ashamed about everything. being with someone like that really changes you as a person and i hate reminders that it was real #my osdd compartmentalizes me so well that i feel so disconnected from something that didnt even end a year ago.. like a dream #like none of it was real yknow i hate reminders that hes real my roommate sees him at their job often #and always avoids mentioning it to me bc they know how it will make me feel #i will never go back btw. sometimes you learn something about someone that makes you feel so sick that going back will never be an option #and that is traumatizing to have had a relationship and feelings for someone who at their core is a disgusting subhuman person #he was also a “john” i think and that makes me feel even more sick... it is so sick he is so sick #i dont know why i tolerated everything i don't know why i was so stupid i was just so desp for a father figure and he knew that #and he had the guise of just wantinf to be my mentor and a friend to me when i had just lost my connection with my family and had nobody #after that relationship i don't fall for anyones tricks anymore. i have very strong bounce now. it just sucks that #i had to endure a year of someone like that to build those skills. i also traded off my ability to trust people or be vulnerable #and my parents funnily know nothing about it. thats what is so funny to me. it makes me wanna cry sometimes #he was very obsessive scary person getting voicemails still terrifies me to this day lol he would spam me with them #looking back its kinda pathetic to he in your 40s wanting to control someone on their 20s every move #i get kindnof homicidal about it sometimes (jjst sayingbif he died the world would be a better place ♡ one less predator)

[symbologic]

y'all, most of my tumblr is a time capsule from 2016 and earlier. A lot's happened since then. Changed continents, changed careers, got psychotherapy and then physical therapy. My corner of fandom was pretty much exclusively on Plurk, and not even consistently

then the OPLA happened, and it got me in a chokehold. I'd been back on my OP bullshit for over a couple years now, so it was kind of inevitable

But now I crave discussions and community and gushing over faves 💔 at the same time, fan communities feel so fragmented in the post-LJ era. it's hard to find like-minded people, but I'm doin' my best!!

#probably better to have more channels than none. but everything feels so curated; so you can easily end up in an echo chamber you know?? #when tumblr launched in 2007...pretty sure I made a diff account and then promptly forgot about it #now that username is lost to time #it just felt too much like shouting into into the wind #instead of having a conversation with someone #which just felt more lonely and disconnected in my mind #plus I'm pretty “meh” toward social media in general #because stuff like infinite scrolling and For You sections are designed to hold your attention for longer than is healthy :( #but now I'm kinda out of the loop for social media ettiquette #and it feels a bit like learning to read social cues in a foreign country lol #ah well! here i am :>

[artemisiatridentata]

hard to describe the surreal nightmare feeling of almost being caught in a wildfire while backpacking this week, having to pack up and frantically hike out (my lungs and throat still feel raw from smoke inhalation), watching the updates roll in as dangerous PNW wildfires burn down towns where I have a lot of family — at least one of my cousins lost everything but the clothes on his back last night and barely got out in time, and the same thing happened to my friend who lives in Lahaina last week — and then to hop on social media to see people partying and going to concerts and brunch like the world isn’t burning down around us….

#I feel so disconnected from most of the people I know bc it’s like #idk #if you’re not in semi disaster mode rn you’re delusional imo #like sorry but I don’t care about the concerts or trips you have planned. I still have a cough from breathing in so much smoke #and my relatives barely escaped with their lives last night #like I now know at least three people who have lost everything to wildfire just in the last week!!!!! that’s insane!!!!! #and it’s terrifying to think abt how this is just going to get more and more common #my dad and I were talking yesterday abt food shortages as this continues #bc if breadbasket areas keep going up in smoke things could get real bad real fast #time to stock up on staples and grow ur own food if ur able and talk to ur neighbors! #personal #wildfire #climate change #we need to [redacted] billionaires fr

[alchemiclee]

I hope someone writes a good fic about the high cloud quintet with all the messy pieces of lore we have because i'm very unsatisfied with what we got and I want MORE OF THEM. don't know why i'm so obsessed with this tragic group of friends but 😭 IM SO FEELINGS ABOUT THEM but also empty because they didn't satisfy me with what they gave us lmao I require more. but that was the end and i'll never get more....unless someone writes a great fic about them.....!

#hsr #words #one of the things that bothered me most was not seeing dan heng react to learning about blade/yingxing? hrm #everything in star rail seems super disconnected and rushed and i wish they could do the stories better #so i need someone to write a thing and fill in the gaps and add more and satisfy my need for a good story about these tragic losers #i want more baiheng because she seemed like the most adorable lovable thing 😭 #i want more yingxing because i love him a lot for some reason i cant even figure out #i want jing yuan before he became a very sad and distant and lonely old man whose constant smile seems painfully fake..... #i want to see more of jing liu before she went crazy with mara #i want the gay and the lesbian hoyo cant give for legal reasons (xingyue/bailiu) #i want a story maybe starting with them meeting. becoming close and very good friends #maybe leading to their end dbdndnksksks it would hurt but im sure fandom writers can write it better than the game writers😅 #im just rambling and reading makes me fall asleep and idk if anyone would ever write this but 😭 #idk why my brain even clung onto them so much. theres other tragic friend stories this didnt happen with. why this one #i'd love a comic/manga about this group too but that even less likely than a fic. im sure other people like this group too #and maybe one is a fic writer. but an entire manga piece about them is unlikely 😅 #its just easier for me to read when i can SEE it. thats just a preference tho #i feel like lore accurate fics arent as common tho? like taking all the lore you know and piecing it together into a whole story? #not that i read fics much so idk what im talking about but 99.9% if ones ive see are just ship fics only #what am i talking about i lost my train of thought lmao #anyway jingliu better come home. im at like 60 pity. where is she!!!!!!