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#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant
lobotomyladylives · 8 days
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I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck
#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i#in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where#i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever#i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at#and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like#everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd .#just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up#not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until#i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg#the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was#i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different#well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl#i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool
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transmechanicus · 1 year
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“I’ll be fine i just need to uhhhhhhh idk kill” but like…what if i did haha
#my stuff#dear diary and the several thousand mfs who can see it. Despite arguably good academic performance today feels like a bad day#bc i skipped lab to take a nap#and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates#like i can talk to them and i do and we get along well but i never…hang out w em#or at least not as much as they seem to without me#it’s not a malicious thing i think a huge part of it is groups of ppl living or working in the same space#and i’m in a different lab building than a lot of ppl#idk…struggling to find anything that sparks joy. unable to see the future with optimism#it’s just day after day of Job where i’ll beat myself up on weekends if i don’t do Even More Work#bc that’s the nature of grad school. always homework or literature review to do like i give a shit abt the latter#i don’t care what other people are doing i don’t wanna obsessively comb through journals to make sure i’m doing Brand New Shit#i want it to stop#i don’t want to read anymore. i don’t wanna have to worry about my job outside of work.#i want to cry and scream and#like i don’t wanna quit after i worked so hard to get here#i don’t wanna wuss out#but i’m always tired. i’m never rested or relaxed or truly enjoying myself#why is this only hard for me…how tf is everyone else able to read and remember and understand this much??#like yeah maybe i should be on adhd meds but those are fuckin spensive and a pain in the ass to get#i’m tired of being tough#i want to curl into a ball and be told it’s going to be okay and that i can rest and have it not be a lie or a half measure
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pepprs · 6 months
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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hella1975 · 1 year
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happy eurovison!! do your stretches!!!
babe it's been days since i did my stretches at this point im too scared
#in my defence idk WHAT was going on with my sunday shift bc i only waitressed 7 hours and that's a pretty normal shift for me#like im aware compared to a normal person it would be very difficult to just out of nowhere expect them to be on their feet#walking back and forth the entire length of a restaurant regularly carrying heavy things all the while keeping up ABOVE AND BEYOND socially#for SEVEN ENTIRE HOURS with ZERO BREAK like masking that entire time on top of the 7 hour physical workout#like it's insane if u think about it for more than 2 seconds and im really trying to bc every time i falter i beat the shit out of myself#and like? NO? my job is actually very physically demanding and emotionally draining compared to most people's day-to-day activity#it's gonna have impacts sometimes!#so yeah long story short i finished my shift sunday and when i tell you my legs LOCKED UP in bed that night#like mainly my thighs but it was all in my hips and knees and it was so bad that i lay there until 2am before getting painkillers#bc i couldnt hack it#which is SAYING SOMETHING for me bc im normally both quite good with pain and also a hardass for taking painkillers#ive had that happen once before (again after waitressing lol) & never worried about it but my mum recently got diagnosed with arthritis#and ever since ive been like. Looking at my own joints any time they even HINT at playing up#like i am RENOWNED for inhereting all of my mum's medical shit from mental to physical like i KNOW i'll get it it's just a matter of when#and yeah that was sunday it's now tuesday and my thighs STILL feel bruised#and im like. embarassed about it bc it's not like i did anything spectacular? and idk why it's happening?#yeah idk hiiii rori did u like me ranting about my physical health in ur stretch reminder ask sorry do u still think im hot <3#ask
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4giorno · 6 months
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baldies gate is very difficult
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nomaishuttle · 9 months
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guys remind me to watch la bamba later
#nicha said i should watch it#also nichas my beat friend thank gd for nicha. shes like the only irl person ive talked abt it with#and shes like . no you arent overreacting r you crazy . which makes me feel a LOT better#im so sad shes leaving thi :[[ she keeps telling me t move t great wolf lodge with her JFNFJFBF#and she said that if i ever need a ride to a job interview or a drs appt or anything like that t just ask. shes my bestiee#she has a yojnger sister my age (18 (nicha is 25 BTW) but her sister sucks so nicha literally said I wish you were my sister instead.#common kamille w. she also said im her favorite and i get all rhe stuff on her cart when she leaves ^-^ yay#but tbh. i might frrr look into great wolf lodge bc their starting pay is $18 dollars an hour#plus its. hotel work. which is wayy easier than apt cleaning if im being fully honest#and allegedly its closer to my house sooo...#plus. nicha fiona and i thinkk nee? r all leaving? which leaves me dee and brenda ? brother i gtg im not gonna be one of 3 housekeepers.#ik theyd hire more but i just got here i cant be like the 3rd most senior housekeeper 💀#sry 4 doxxing myself. potentially#oh also the pay here is 16 dollars an hour with literally no room for growth#brenda is housekeeping lead and she makes like. 17.#nee i think has been here almost since the place opened and she still only makes like 16.... which is insane#so ya i might look into gwl.#im mainly scareddd abt getting rides bc rn marian gives me a ride...#n like she could probably still give me a ride in the morning if im sooo niceys but likee. yk. how would i get home at da end of the day#ik i should just suck it up and ask my roommates bc kate is rly nice and prolly wouldnt mind but. gets scared... she also works closing#shifts so she wouldnt be able t bring me home. lily works a ton of different shifts so its not rly a reliable thang so i cant ask her#plus.everything. and then hal . yeah obvious reasons hes not giving me a ride LOL
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liebelesbe · 9 months
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hmmmmmmm
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baccan0pe · 1 year
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.
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minqies · 3 days
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y'all .
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mini-uzzy · 20 days
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.
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pepprs · 1 year
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hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol
#purrs#delete later#not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really#comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel#where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it#all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugly#and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fucking#getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest#colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought w#we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight#we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the#participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day a#and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half of#them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we#did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like… i#have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also#HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a#failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as#emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i#failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year#and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jfs#like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE#PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and#we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting#everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid#bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i#get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i#am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done.#ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that#just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol
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applepidotcom · 1 year
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i really really truly with everything I have from the bottom of my heart regret not putting on my retainers after I got my braces off :/ what a fucking L
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blushbunii · 2 months
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Hi👋 I know nobody is gonna see this but i just love the idea of Luke with a ditzy girlfriend so I decided to write it myself. I'm not great at writing but I still wanted to post this somewhere bc I kinda like how it turned out <3 (if anyone does see this plz don't judge, like I said I'm bad at writing)
Ever since he met her he knew the guys at camp would be all over her. She was so innocent and would fall under their spell in a heart beat. Which is why he needed to make sure that he got to her first. He told himself that it was because he wanted to protect her, that the other guys would only use her. But in reality, there was more to it than that and he knew it.
There was something about her that drew him in. Mabey it was the way she got so flustered when she first met him. The way she looked up at him with those pretty blue eyes of hers, her cheeks a bright shade of pink. And the fact she stuttered when he asked for her name, making him smile.
Or mabey it was the way she dressed. She always wore skirts, even if she was at a camp. Shed wear a short white skirt with the classic orange camp half blood shirt. She always has a bow in her hair. Whether it was to hold in her pig tails, or a small pink clip with a bow on it in her long wavy hair.
Whatever it was he knew that he needed her to be his, and Luke always gets what he wants. Only a week into camp, she was all over him. She'd always stayed right by his side during capture the flag, and by the gods if anyone tried to hurt her they'd spend the rest of the day in the infirmary.
Or whenever the camp was doing activities, even something simple as bracelet making, she's always insisting that he help her. Stating that she can't tie it or that she cant find the right beads and needs his help. He knows that it's just stupid excuses so that he could be around her, but who was he to deny his princess?
And when she'd come crying to him because  of something random that happened to her he always Comforts her, no matter how small it is. Most of the time it's Clarisse making fun of her because she did something wrong, or one of the boys making sexual jokes towards her. But sometimes it's something as simple as her breaking her favorite blush, or ruining her favorite top. But he still whispers sweet praises and promises in her ear as she cries into his chest. "shh it's okay sweetheart. I know it hurts, but everything is going to be alright" or "I'm here okay, I'll make sure to protect you. No one can ever hurt you when your with me"
And one night when she was sitting in his lap crying, he finally makes a small move. "Do you want me to make you feel better?" He asks, his voice soft, hiding the undertone of lust he felt for her. Even when she's crying she's so pretty. When she nods, his hand starts creeping up her thigh until he reaches the hem of her panties.
When she questions what hes doing he just says something like "I'm helping you feel better. Isn't that what you want?" He asks, smiling at the small whimpers that leave her mouth as he rubs her clit through her pink panties. "See? It feels good doesn't it" he says, rubbing the sensitive bundle of nerves faster. Her soft moans and pleas only make him want her more.
And once he makes her cum once he just can't stop. He starts fingering her, most definitely taking her virginity. And when she complains about the pain, he just praises her softly. "I know baby, I know it hurts. You're doing such a good job princess. I promise it'll feel so good, even better than before". And he was right, soon she was moaning and whining while grinding her hips against his hand, only making him go faster. "That's it sweetheart, taking my fingers so well" 
And he doesn't stop until she on the verge of tears from the overstimulation. The second she catches her breath he lays her down on the bed, his hands immediately moving to unbutton his jeans to relieve his ranging hard on. "I know your tired baby, I'm only gonna take a minute okay?" He reassures you softly before sliding in, giving you time to adjust.
He knows that it hurts more than his fingers, and when you start crying from the pain he just kisses your cheek gently "hey, It's okay. I know it hurts darling. Just relax and let me take care of you okay? I'll protect you". He gives you extra time before moving in and out of you at a slow pace.
"Shh it's okay princess, it'll feel good soon" he says softly, thrusting a little faster. Soon she's squirming under him, begging to cum again. He fucks her a little faster, getting her closer to the edge. And when she finally does cum he talks her through it. "That's it baby, you look so pretty cumming on my cock. You're such a good girl for me. You're mine now aren't you? Gonna let me fuck you whenever I want?"
He moans out praises before he pulls out and moves to cum on her pretty face. He smiles when her tounge lolls out to lick the cum off of him, but when she comes back to reality she starts complaining about how he ruined her makeup.
He laughs softly at her reaction and cleans off her face with a towel before laying down beside her, pulling her into his arms. "I'm sorry I ruined your makeup, when I leave camp again I'll bring back all the makeup you want" he promises as he runs his fingers through her hair, loving the way she smiles up at him. Eventually after a few minutes of cuddles and praise, she closes her eyes and nuzzles into his chest. "Aww is my princess tired?" He teases softly. "Sleep baby, you deserve it" he kisses your forehead as she falls asleep in his arms. He had her in his grasp, and no one was going to take her away from him.
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cat3ch1sm · 1 year
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Hello bb 😭💕 I've been such a huge fan of your work for ages now. I hope you are feeling better and taking care of yourself 🥺
If you are comfortable/want to, I was wondering if I could request some kind of nsfw perverted!hisoka x fem reader (the girl he's determined to make his) is now "coincidentally" stuck in a small space together 🤣 reader has avoided him bc she feels the same way but entirely embarrassed
If not pls ignore this request !
--kateaesthetic ✨️
🫖~ hello my love i missed u<33 im so so glad ur a fan, it means the actual world to me that i have supporters like you. here is your request, enjoy 💚💚
notice for my other followers- if you’ve sent me a request, im definitely working on it, i haven’t chosen to ignore any of your requests😭 it’s just i have a lot to work on outside and inside of this app, so it may take me some time. however, i really appreciate your patience, and i love you all endlessly and am so so grateful for your support.
*ೃ༄ nsfw ahead, perv hisoka😭, degradation, fem!reader˚◞♡ ⃗
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“Alright, Y/N- thanks for staying so late,” your boss told you with a smile, which you returned politely. “Would you mind locking up the boutique for me? I’d do it myself it it wasn’t my little boy’s birthday, and I absolutely don’t want to miss it.”
“It’s no problem at all,” you assured her. “I hope your son has a wonderful birthday- but I’m sure it will be far more wonderful if you’re home on time! You’d better get going; I’ll be done in no time.”
“Thanks so much. The keys to lock up are on the counter beside the register. Have a great night, Y/N- see you tomorrow!” your boss called, and you waved as she went out the door.
You smiled to yourself. You were very fond of your boss; she’d never been unkind or unfair with you, so doing her this favor didn’t bother you in the slightest. Hanging up one of the dresses you’d been holding on the racks, you started to walk to the front of the dress shop to retrieve the keys.
Before you made it to the counter, though, you heard something that surprised you- the windchime dangling above the front doorframe suddenly made a gentle jingling sound- indicating that somebody had just walked in. You were perplexed upon hearing the noise- all of the lights were off in the building, so you couldn’t imagine why someone would enter. Then it occurred to you- perhaps your boss had just forgotten something. Yes, that’s what it had to be. Relaxing, you walked to the counter and picked up the keys before looking up.
“Oh, you’re back? Did you forget something?” you inquired, your gaze still focused on the keys beneath you, which were frustratingly getting tangled into one another. “I’d be happy to get it for you-“
When you finally looked up, though, you knew instantly that the dark figure who had just entered the shop wasn’t your boss. It was about a foot too tall, and even among the shadows you could tell the build was that of a man. Most notably, though, was the peak of hair that stretched above his head- seemingly defying gravity.
At first, you didn’t recognize the man, and found yourself even more confused. “Uh- sir?” you ventured, tilting your head and squinting your eyes at the figure. “We’re closed right now, but we reopen at 8 am tomorrow- perhaps you could return then?”
“Oh, but my dear- that’s far too late,” the man drawled, inching closer to the counter behind which you were standing, and with every step he took you could hear the clicking of heels on the marble floor. “Can’t you make an exception for me, sweetheart?”
You felt your heart skip a beat in your chest. Hisoka. He was the one who had been pursuing you for weeks, appearing around every corner you turned. And now, he’d managed to find you at your job.
Hisoka had made very clear his intentions with you a number of times- not quite bluntly, but in a manner that you couldn’t mistake. You, in return, had avoided him as much as you could- you simply couldn’t muster up the boldness and slyness that Hisoka possessed, and while you knew something deep inside you wanted Hisoka to want you, you were frankly just too embarrassed to admit it. Nobody had ever really wanted you the way Hisoka claimed to, and you didn’t know how to react.
“Hisoka.” It was all you could come up with. You absently picked up the keys, now disentangled, and habitually singled out the one that locked the closet in which the store kept the custom dress orders. “I… don’t think you should be here.” Quickly, you turned your back on him, already feeling heat rush to your face at his mere presence, and briskly walked over to the dress closet.
In the dark, you heard Hisoka chuckle lowly. “Ah, even in the dark, I can tell you’re blushing. You’re simply adorable.” His tone was amused, but you didn’t miss the familiar notes of ardor beneath his voice.
Throughly flustered, you thrust the key into the closet’s lock, turning it in the doorknob. You avoided turning to face Hisoka, and not knowing how else to escape, you rushed into the closet, brushing past the flouncing, poofy petticoats and the long, flowing skirts of the dresses inside. You retreated to the very back, up against the wall, stomach fluttering and hoping Hisoka didn’t see you.
“Hiding, are we?” Hisoka queried slyly, and you saw from behind a particularly fluffy dress his shadow come closer and closer to the closet door. “I just adore games like these.”
You startled as he entered the closet, his face now mostly visible in the dim light. Keeping your back pressed against the wall, you didn’t dare to even breathe, foolishly hoping that the magician would simply bore of your antics and be on his way. However, that wasn’t the case- and you were absolutely sure of this when Hisoka promptly shut the closet door behind him, locking the two of you inside.
Your eyes flew wide open with shock, a million thoughts racing through your head. Shit! I’m locked in. No- we’re locked in. Damn it- I’m locked in this closet with him. With Hisoka. Why didn’t I wait until after he was gone to lock the stupid door?
In your internal frenzy, you made a noise in the corner- instantly drawing the sharp stare of Hisoka. In no time, you felt his piercing yellow eyes burning into your face, and you knew you’d been spotted.
Your eyes rose higher and higher as Hisoka came closer. You didn’t want to look away from his face in case you missed something, but Hisoka only gave you that smirk that somehow made your knees weak whenever he did. Before you knew it, you were looking straight up into his gaze.
“Why do you even bother running from me, sweetheart?” Hisoka took your chin in his grasp, his clawlike nails barely scratching your skin, and lifted your head up to meet his eyes directly. “While I enjoy a good game of chase, you certainly didn’t think you were about to win, did you?”
For a few seconds, you were frozen, heart beating a million beats a minute and your lips sealed shut. Finally, though, you managed to speak. “Hisoka- what do you want?”
“Don’t play stupid.” Hisoka’s smile grew wider. “I believe you already know the answer to that, Y/N.”
Before you had a chance to react, Hisoka’s hand wrapped itself around your upper neck and pulled you into a gentle kiss. Instinctively, your eyes fluttered shut and you felt a blush spread across your face again, caught off guard by how soft it was. However, the surprisingly tender moment was disrupted when you felt a second hand slither around your waist, down your back, and eventually settle on your ass, giving it a playful squeeze.
You squeaked in surprise and pulled away from Hisoka, whose expression told you that he knew exactly what he was doing. “Hisoka!”
“My apologies, darling, I just couldn’t help myself.” An unapologetic grin spread across his face. “But I must add- you don’t seem to mind, my dear.”
Your body had betrayed you yet again- here you were, face hot and blushing like a fool. Embarrassed, you dropped your eyes down to the ground.
Above you, you heard Hisoka let out an amused chuckle. “Don’t be so shy, sweetheart- you’re just adorable when you look like this. It only makes me want to have you even more.”
Before you could respond, your lips were pressed into Hisoka’s again, one of his slender hands around your neck while the other took hold of the hem of your shirt and effortlessly tore it from your body; you felt as if the sound of the fabric ripping could be heard for miles. You allowed yourself to kiss Hisoka back for a few more seconds before pulling away.
“Take off your shirt.”
Hisoka’s thin eyebrows raised in surprise before his expression morphed into one of twisted delight. “So demanding…” he mused, golden eyes burning into yours before he complied with your demand, sliding his shirt over his head and tossing it carelessly to the floor.
For a moment you were in a daze, captivated by Hisoka’s glistening pale skin and his beyond impressive figure, a rippling 8-pack flowing down his abdomen and toned pecs and biceps protruding. It was only after Hisoka’s hands wrapped around your exposed waist and gently lowered your body and his to the ground that you snapped back into reality, the sensation of his lips on your neck and his hands slithering up your thighs suddenly overpowering.
“I’ve always imagined that I’d get you in this position one day, Y/N… but you’re even more inviting than I’d anticipated,” Hisoka hissed, running his tongue from your collarbone to the bottom tip of your ear. The soft warmth and wetness drew a gasp from you, and you felt Hisoka’s lips curl into a smile against your skin.
“Such a pretty sound, darling… be a good girl and make much more of those cute little moans for me, alright?”
You barely heard yourself murmur, “Alright,” before Hisoka nudged your bra straps off of your shoulders and began kissing down your chest. You allowed yourself to throw your head back, lewd gasps escaping your lips as Hisoka’s tongue teased your breasts, flicking each of your erect nipples and circling around the skin softly. Then, moving his head down your abdomen, he took hold of one of your breasts in his head, gripping it tightly as he licked a hot, wet trail from just above your bellybutton to in between your breasts, deriving an unhealthy amount of pleasure from the equally surprised yet passionate moan you emitted. One of your hands came down to tangle itself in Hisoka’s multicolored hair, silently urging him to keep going.
Hisoka obliged, and you felt some control slip away from him, his touch growing rougher and more ravenous as his fingers came down to your legs, dancing up your thigh and slipping beneath your skirt but stopping just before brushing your dripping opening.
“It’s a good thing you wore this cute little skirt for me today, huh, sweetheart? I can already sense how wet you are for me.”
Having his hands so close to where you needed them most but not quite there yet was torture, and you knew Hisoka could tell by the ragged way you were breathing. “Hisoka- please stop teasing me…”
Hisoka made a mock pout at your pitiful demeanor. “Aw, so needy already? You’re dirtier than I thought, my dear.” He flipped up the hem of your skirt, revealing your darkened panties and making you shudder. “But don’t be embarrassed- it’s cute.”
Hisoka finally inched his fingers up higher, running the tip of his sharp nail down your covered slit and making you groan, arching up into his touch. He allowed himself another satisfied chuckle before tugging your panties aside and rubbing the pad of his thumb along your wet entrance, moistening his finger before he began rubbing your clit in circular motions- slowly at first, but gradually picking up speed.
“Ah- mm, Hisoka,” you moaned, thrusting your lower half into his fingers. Hisoka simply pushed his middle finger into your entrance, drawing a long, pathetic whine from you as the sensation of his finger inside of you took over your body.
“Oh, Y/N- I’ve only just started using my fingers and you’re already shaking,” Hisoka remarked coyly, slowly moving his finger back and forth inside of you, silencing you whenever you tried to say something with a broken cry. “How long has it been since your needs were satisfied, dear?” he mused to himself, pretending to be deep in thought. “Seemingly far too long, yes? Especially for you to be behaving the way you are, already such a filthy whore beneath my fingers.”
Your face flushed for what had to be the thousandth time tonight. “I’m not a who- ah! Fuck- fuck, Hisoka-“
“You’re not doing a good job of proving it, sweetheart,” Hisoka teased, two fingers now pumping inside of your hole while his thumb continued to trace your swollen, sensitive clit.
“Shut up,” you managed breathlessly, the pleasure building up both within your clit and your vagina and rendering you unable to speak properly.
Hisoka laughed and took his thumb from your clit, eliciting a displeasured cry from you, but it was quickly replaced with his tongue, flicking back and forth in rapid movements along your clit. The noise that it drew from you could only be described as a scream, and Hisoka kept it up for a little while longer, relishing in your shrieks before promptly sitting up, removing his fingers and mouth from your sex.
You were dismayed, about to ask why Hisoka had pulled away, when you lifted your head and noticed the straining tent in his pants as well as the almost frightening lust in his eyes, running up and down your body hungrily. Wordlessly, he stood up, slipped out of his pants and boxers, and bent back down to your quivering form on the floor.
Hisoka was quite an impressive size- you almost felt obliged to look away, but Hisoka’s hand came up to cup your jawline and forced your face towards him before releasing you, your eyes wide.
“Don’t get nervous now, dear. I want you to see exactly what I’m going to do with you.”
You could only watch, aching and sensitive and anticipating as Hisoka positioned himself at your dripping hole, the tip of his dick at your entrance making you quiver before he pushed himself inside of you, every inch he forced inside of your body eliciting a broken whimper from you. Hisoka’s face tightened ever so slightly as he entered you, but once he was settled and began rocking his hips against you, an borderline sinister smile graced his lips.
“How I’ve fantasized of this moment, my dear,” Hisoka purred, eyes fixated on your face as your eyes rolled back into your head with every movement he made, lips parted in silent ecstasy. His next words, though, were lost on you.
“Such a pretty, useless thing. Surely you didn’t believe I truly desired you, sweetheart. But even so- you’re mine.”
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thepsychewrites · 2 years
Text
Repeat After Me | J. Lockley
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Jake Lockley x F!Reader, mentions of Steven Grant x Reader & Marc Spector x Reader.
Summary: You get back to the apartment after spending a weekend at your parents. Jake does what he can to make you feel better.
Word Count: 1.6k
Warnings: 18+ MDNI ; Light smut, fingering, some angst/ bad parent relationships, hurt/comfort, fluff, Jake being a big softie for reader, affirmations, uhhh i think that’s it.
Author’s Note: i had a really bad night when writing this, and i desperately needed comfort. this was the best i could do for myself, so here you go. decided to make this a (mainly) Jake fic bc why the fuck not. if any of u ever need anything, please reach out to my inbox. you are brave, you are valued, and most importantly, you are loved.
Main Masterlist
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The soft jingle of the keys and rattle of the door handle startled Steven.
He had been up, despite the tiny black analog clock on his desk reading half-past three in the morning, flicking through a new book about the Ptolemaic Dynasty you had bought for him a week prior. As the door began to swing open, he looked up, immediately catching the slump in your shoulders and the heavy bags under your eyes.
“Darling? What are you doing back so early? Wasn’t expecting you until the afternoon.” He said hurriedly, the frantic beating behind his ribs slowing down as you started trudging toward him.
Sitting your bags down, you rubbed at your eyes, a yawn catching in your throat. “Dunno. Just couldn’t stay there any longer.” The words came out defeated, like they had beaten you up on their way out of your mouth. “Missed you. I just wanted to come back.” You sniffled, fresh tears brimming at your bottom lashes.
Steven knew that look. The way your mouth contorted into a frown, the divot between your brows that carried your stress, the wobble of your lip as you took in unsteady breaths. It was all too familiar to him now. It was the same look he saw in the mirror during many early mornings and late nights, and the same look that was etched upon Marc’s face twenty-four seven. He was up from the bed in an instant, shoving away his book and moving to you with his arms open. As soon as his warmth surrounded you, the floodgates opened.
“God why did I ever go back? They are so terrible, Steven. So so bad.” You cried, the fat tears dripping down from your cheeks onto Steven’s navy sweatshirt, the fabric surrounding his shoulder catching most of it. He clutched onto your shaking figure, his body covering as much surface area as he could manage. “They don’t want me. They don’t love me…” He heard you trail off, your words muffled into the crook of his neck.
As his grip tightened on you, you knew Steven had let someone else front. “Marc?” You whispered, wondering why Marc would front now of all times. He normally let Steven stay in control when you it came to talking about your parents, as Marc wasn’t sure he would be able to help you carry that weight just yet. You pulled back at his silence and quickly realized who fronted.
“Jake?”
His eyebrows were turned down, conveying some of the anger he felt boiling within him. “Mi amor…” Jake cooed, his fingers tracing gently under your chin. “This will be the last time I let them hurt you. You don’t deserve this… none of it.”
The things Jake wanted to do to your parents right now were unspeakable. He knew you’d never forgive him should he act on these thoughts- but boy did he want to. He’d ensure they’d never make another tear drop from your beautiful face ever again. He’d make them apologize for every time they’ve laid a hand on you, or screamed at you for senseless things. He’d make them regret ever hurting you in the first place. You were an angel sent from above- the most divine deity to walk this earth. And if Jake would just allow you to be hurt like this… he wasn’t doing his job.
A steady heat festered in your head, the pounding becoming too much to handle. “Can’t Jake… you know I- it isn’t… you can’t…” You stumbled over your words, your mind far past the point of coherency.
Steven had sat down with you a few days prior, telling you how seeing your parents again wasn’t something you had to do. You knew he was right- nobody was forcing you to go visit them. But it had been over a year and the guilt was eating you alive. For some reason, you truly believed they had changed. That they got their shit together and we’re working past the petty remarks and the passive aggressiveness they often displayed. You felt as though maybe this time around you wouldn’t feel like a stranger around them- like there was a possibility to rekindle whatever relationship you had held with them before.
It was pathetic how naïve and optimistic you were.
It didn’t work out. Of course it didn’t. So you came back a day early. But now, standing in the arms of your lover, it might do you some good to be a little optimistic and believe that for once things might be okay.
Jake peered at you with narrow eyes, his hands falling to the curve of your hips. “Come with me, hm? Let me take care of you, Mi Alma.”
My soul.
There was this kind of affection Jake rarely displayed. Those kinds of lovey dovey feelings were reserved for Steven, and sometimes Marc. But Jake? He wasn’t created to love.
But for you? Oh- Jake could feel nothing but love. It is what kept his heart beating, kept his soul full, kept his mind running. His lips felt the freedom of a gentle smile and his brows could rest from the scorn he often wore. For you? Jake went soft like the biggest teddy bear one could win at a carnival. Taking care of you was second nature for Jake. Especially after seeing the aftermath of you being so emotionally damaged.
After hearing a short hum of understanding from you, one of his hands slipped around to your back, pressing firmly and leading you to the bathroom. Without flicking the light on, he was gentle to undress you, leaving soft and lingering kisses to any exposed skin he could reach. As your clothes hit the floor, his followed, but not before he lit a single candle and left it to burn on the porcelain sink. The bath was quickly filled with steaming water, hot enough to wash away any dirty reminders of the weekend. Hot enough to restart.
Jake helped you into the bath, his body settling in behind you as he leaned you into his chest. His arms were secure around you- a safety net of sorts. The two of you laid there for minutes, his chin nuzzling into the hair atop your head, reminding you of his presence if he felt you drifting off. When he noticed the water growing cool, he reached down for a washcloth and began cleaning away at your skin. He lathered some lavender body wash, the suds foaming over your shoulders and elbows, nestling around your collarbones and knuckles. The cloth drifted over your belly and chest, ghosting across the tops of your thighs. Jake’s nose traveled the length of your cheek, stopping at the edge of your jaw. “Repeat after me, baby…” As his voice crawled across your body, the trail of soap followed. “Yo soy digna.”
“Yo soy digna.” You whispered back, obeying his command without a second thought.
He rewarded you with a kiss to your tepid skin. “Yo soy valiente.”
“Yo soy valiente.” You were putty in Jake’s hands, your full faith placed in him.
Yet again, a hot kiss pressed against your temple for following his instructions.
The leverage Jake had on your thigh worked to his advantage, his large hand spreading apart your legs. Suddenly, a finger traced against your clit, a delicate cry forced from you.
“There you go… what a good girl.” His breath fanned across your face, a harsh squeeze against your lavender scented skin as his digit moved lower and lower, finally stopping to trace along your pulsing entrance. “Just relax, baby. Let me take care of you.” His voice was low and gravely in your ear, the stubble along his face bringing a warmth to your stomach. “Yo soy hermosa.”
With a turn of your head, your breathy, barely-there whispers were his echo. “Yo soy hermosa.”
At this affirmation, Jake’s finger prodded you open, pushing in until the entire length of it was seated inside of you. You squirmed, only anchored to Jake by his other arm, now pulling you impossibly closer into him. His finger stayed still until you stopped moving, finally curling up and slipping out once you had calmed, only to jut right back in. His movements were slow. Calculated. Despite how little you and him slept together, he knew how to make you unravel. Maybe taking notes from Marc or Steven, maybe peering in when they were the ones taking you apart, inch by inch. Either way, he had the remedy to make you feel better again, and he’d be damned if he didn’t do just that.
Once Jake felt your slick coating his finger, he added another, both pushing and pulling in tandem and drawing out the most angelic noises from your lips. Dropping the washcloth into the water, his free hand now trailed to your peaked nipples, rolling them between his thumb and pointer. As your walls contracted and pulsed around him, he spoke his permission aloud. “Go ahead, you can cum, baby.”
With your hips bucking up and your shoulders pushing into Jake’s chest, you came with a loud moan of his name as he worked you through your orgasm. His fingers began to slow as you settled down, firm lips pressing to your cheek.
It confused you when his fingers never left, their gentle movements keeping you on the edge of another release.
“You still feel a bit tense, cariño.” Jake mumbled against your neck. Your eyes opened at this, knowing exactly what Jake had planned.
“Thinking we should go over those affirmations a few more times, just until they sink in.”
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