#i rarely even wear makeup anymore but I can feel the strength leaving my body | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elisajdb · 4 years

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GoChi Week 2020: Day Five: Birthday Suit

Snippets in Time:

Birthday Suit

ChiChi stared at her image in the mirror. Staring back was the figure of a woman many would admire. The body staring at her was very fit. Her breasts were high and a nice size; her hips were fit but curvy. The arms and legs were tone and femininely muscled. The stomach was very admirable. This body birth two very strong children and yet one would think she never had kids with how cut and defined her stomach is. She worked hard on this. Two kids never stopped her from exercising. In fact, her kids encouraged her to keep fit. She had two very active physical babies that motivated her in her continuance of martial arts.

Despite what Goku friends thought, ChiChi never gave up martial arts for the life of a wife and mother. She continued through her marriage with Goku as her partner. She did become less active after Gohan’s birth and used it more as a form of exercise to keep in shape than get stronger. It was the absence of Gohan and Goku for a year that ChiChi really dedicated herself to martial arts again. She found a good balance after Gohan was back from his time on Namek and Goku a year later when he returned from space. She had even more training alone when Goku, Piccolo and Gohan trained together for three years. She didn’t have Goku as her sparring partner anymore, but she never forgot the lessons he taught her.

ChiChi applied it to herself and Goten. With Goten, she was very grateful she kept with her training otherwise she never would’ve been in shape to train him especially after he became a Super Saiyan. ChiChi was very proud of her looks. She never felt the need to flaunt her appearance with heavy makeup, tight or revealing clothes. She knew how she looked and knew she didn’t need adulation from others.

But as great she looked physically all ChiChi could see now were small imperfections. A few stretch marks here, a scar there, a wrinkle that wasn’t there when her husband was alive. Her husband was the reason why she stared at her imperfections. When she learned Goku will return for a day, ChiChi was excited but later concerned. She aged while he hasn’t. ChiChi pushed those insecurities aside because Goku was only going to be back for a day. He would be too excited to be back to notice anything. Now that Goku had been brought to life for what ChiChi hoped a very long time, the insecurities filled her mind. She didn’t want Goku to see her nude. She wanted intimacy but only with dim lights. She couldn’t imagine being as adventurous as she was years ago: making love outside or in the various positions Goku encouraged her with.

Looking at herself now, she felt she couldn’t do it.

A light knock interrupted her thoughts. “Hey, ChiChi, how long are ya gonna be in there? Goten’s ready to go to sleep.”

“I’ll be there in a moment.”

ChiChi picked up her pajamas and put them on. Luckily, Goten has proven to be the perfect cock blocker. Since Goku’s revival over a week ago, Goten has slept with them. The first three days Goten asked to sleep with her and Goku. Since then, Goten naturally did it thinking this will be a permanent thing. ChiChi was happy with this arrangement but she had a suspicions Goku’s patience was wearing thin.

The first clue came early the following morning.

ChiChi awakened feeling a hand caress her breasts and lips on her neck. In her sleep dazed mind, she panicked. Her son was in bed with her but so was a pervert. Immediately, she struggled to knock her intruder off her. It should’ve been easy given her strength but this person arms were like steel and his hold was unbreakable. She knew then it wasn’t an intruder but her husband.

“Goku?” ChiChi whispered. She turned her head. The room was mostly dark but little light from the stars and crescent moon of the night peeking in the window, ChiChi could see features of her husband. “Goku,” she hissed, “what are you thinking? Goten’s in bed with us.”

“I miss you.” His hand slipped in her shirt to squeeze her bare breasts. “And you won’t let me get you alone during the day.”

Whoops. He noticed. ChiChi thought with the time Goku spent with Gohan and Goten during the day he wouldn’t notice how she avoided being alone with him.

“This is crazy,” she whispered as loud as she could. Her eyes grew to saucers as she felt Goku pull her pajama and panties over her hips and then the feel of a warm hard penis between her cheeks. He couldn’t possible be… She wriggled wildly as she whispered. “Goku, Goten is inches from us.”

“Your moving against me is getting me harder.” ChiChi stopped moving but it didn’t stop Goku from rubbing against her. She bit into her pillow and gripped her sheets. She couldn’t make a sound. Goten’s back was to her but he still only inches away. “Let’s go to the bathroom. We can be alone there.”

She was actually considering it, but her cock blocking child saved her again.

“Daddy?”

The soft voice of her baby boy awakened her motherly instincts. She elbowed Goku with all her strength in his breadbasket. Off guard by Goten and ChiChi, Goku tumbled out of bed.

The loud thump of a body hitting the floor when unnoticed by Goten who rolled over to ChiChi. “Momma, where’s Daddy? He’s not in bed with us. He’s not dead again, is he?”

Not dead but praying he won’t be when she got done with him!

“No, Daddy’s not dead.” ChiChi patted Goten’s head and held him close. With her blocking his view, she assumed Goku was sneaking in the bathroom and pretending to come out.

Instead, she heard a scream from Gohan’s room.

“DAD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?!”

****

Breakfast was unusually quiet the next morning. Goku hardly spoke during breakfast since he was so focused on eating. Goten was a chatterbox as always leaving ChiChi to entertain Goten when Gohan couldn’t. Gohan greeted her when he entered the kitchen but he didn’t even look at his father. He ate breakfast very fast and left for school. ChiChi understood his uncomfortableness. Gohan was old enough to understand what happen. He wasn’t like Goten who believed Goku’s excuse of getting a snack and getting lost returning to his room since he’s been dead for so long.

“Daddy, wanna play with my toys with me?” ChiChi heard Goten say.

“No, Goten,” ChiChi told her son while cleaning the dishes. “You have to take your bath and then we will go over your lessons for today.”

“Okay, Momma. Daddy, wanna take a bath with me?”

Silence.

Goku’s usually quick to respond to Goten. Turning, ChiChi saw Goku looking at her. As much as she didn’t want to, they needed to talk. “Daddy will join you, Goten. I need to talk to him alone.”

Goten giggled. “Is this because of last night?” Goku and ChiChi didn’t answer but Goten laughs got louder as he left the table singing, “Daddy’s in trouble.”

ChiChi turned away from Goku once Goten left and resumed cleaning the dishes. “You and Goten should take a bath in our bedroom. I haven’t cleaned Gohan and Goten’s bathroom yet.”

“Okay.” Goku joined ChiChi. He didn’t touch her but he was very close as he had one hand on the counter and the other on his hip. “Did Goten sleep with you every night when I was dead?”

“When he was a baby, he slept in a crib in our room.” ChiChi rinsed off her soapy dishes. “When he was around two, he shared the room with Gohan. In the mornings, he would crawl in my bed but most times, he shared the room with Gohan.”

“So, it’s me.” Goku chewed his lip thinking of a solution to their problem. “We have to tell Goten he needs to sleep in his own bed now. If he wants, we can have naptime in the afternoon.”

We? Oh, she wasn’t telling Goten that. “Goten is happy he has a Daddy, Goku. There’s nothing wrong with Goten wanting to share the bed with us.”

“Then it’s you.”

“Me?” ChiChi feigned surprise. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not eager to be with me.”

ChiChi pulled the plug in the sink. As the water drained out, she laughed while drying the dishes, “That’s ridiculous.”

“You lock the bathroom door every time you take a bath. You haven’t been alone in a room with me since I came back to life. Anytime, we are alone, you suddenly have something to do.” It was the pain in his voice that caused ChiChi to look at Goku. She wished she hadn’t. Those eyes. It was heartbreaking. “Are you mad I didn’t come back to life after Cell?”

ChiChi looked away from him. She gathered the dry dishes and placed them in the cabinet. “I’m not mad, Goku.”

“Is there someone else?”

ChiChi was grateful the dishes were now in the cabinet. She would’ve dropped them otherwise. “No! Of course not. Where did you get that idea?”

“King Kai warned me you might have somebody. When I saw Goten, I thought he was wrong, but I don’t know.” He shrugged at a loss for words. “Do you have somebody?”

ChiChi shook her head. “No, Goku. I don’t have anybody. There’s never been anyone since you died.”

“Then what is it?” ChiChi turned away from Goku to dry the rest of the dishes but he grabbed her and turned her back. “What is it?”

There were times ChiChi forgot Goku can get angry with her. It was so rare she never filed it to memory but now seeing his steely gaze and brief flash of green in his eyes, ChiChi remembers even she can push him but she never feared it or what that anger can do if pushed. She always knew Goku would never intentionally harm her. ChiChi gently pried her hand from Goku’s. “Goten’s waiting on you for your bath and I need to do some cleaning.” Keeping her cool, she kissed his right cheek. “After your bath, I need you to hunt some dinner.” She patted his stomach. “Since you’re back, our meat supply is disappearing faster than normal.” Wearing a warm smile, she left Goku speechless.

****

While Goku and Goten took their bath, ChiChi cleaned the hall bathroom. There wasn’t much for her to do. Gohan always kept the bathroom clean. After a light wiping down of the sink, toilet, mirror and shower, ChiChi gather the clothes in the laundry basket and went to bathroom of her bedroom

Unsurprisingly, it was messy. Goku and Goten’s clothes were scattered on the floor along with a few towels. She could hear Goku and Goten giggling and splashing water in the closed bath area. ChiChi mentally prepared herself for the mess she will clean there. As she gathered the dirty clothes and towels, the door opened. Goten stepped out first with Goku behind him. Both were naked with towels around their neck. ChiChi nearly dropped the dirty laundry in her hands when she saw the naked body of her husband.

Seven years of celibacy, shutting off sexual desires crumbled at the sight of Goku. With him dead, ChiChi didn’t think about intimacy. She didn’t want anyone else. Sure, people like Bulma tried to encourage ChiChi to date or even have a one-night stand but ChiChi couldn’t feel sexual desire for anyone other than Goku.

Now that fire she thought died with Goku’s death was suddenly rising. Her eyes roamed the muscles on Goku’s back. Flashes of her gripping the strong flesh through sex filled her mind. As her eyes moved down, she noticed his tail stub which sparked memories of her teasing Goku with it. His cute, tight butt brought back flashes of her gripping it and in times she was playful, biting it.

And him biting her.

“Let me help you, Goten,” Goku told his son as he crouches down and help dry Goten with his towel. This allowed ChiChi to privately stare at Goku even more and get lost in more memories of the past with her body silently responding.

“ChiChi.”

Startled, ChiChi snapped out of her daydream to Goku standing in front of her naked. How long was he there? How long was she daydreaming? She was in near perfect kneeling position in front of Goku. His penis hung loosely in front of her, tempting her, daring her to do what she hadn’t done since he died. If Goten wasn’t there……

“Wh-what is it, Goku?”

“Sorry about the mess.” Grinning, he pointed to the clothes and towels.

ChiChi quickly scooped up the dirty clothes and put them with the other pile of dirty laundry. “It’s all right. I know you’re sexy—messy!” She frantically stood. “I need to put these in the washer. Goten, after you’re done, I’ll come by your room so we can start your schoolwork.”

“Okay, Momma.”

While Goten didn’t notice his mother rushing out of the room, Goku did and he was smirking.

****

The rest of the day proceeded normally. Goku spent time hunting for meat like ChiChi wanted. He even skinned and cut the meat for her. He figured he hunted enough that will last the rest of the week. Gohan returned home in a better mood than he left. He and Goku had a friendly conversation and a spar after dinner.

It was turning into a normal night again. ChiChi thought the incident of last night was forgotten. So, when she unlocked the bathroom door and entered her bedroom, she expected Goten to be in bed ready for her to join him and Daddy but was stunned to find Goku standing by the bed naked and smiling as if he was waiting for her.

ChiChi made a split-second decision to disappear in the bathroom but Goku teleported behind her.

“Where are you going?” Goku wrapped his arms around her and walked them to the bed. “The bed is this way.”

ChiChi struggled in his arms but Goku wouldn’t let her go. “Where’s Goten?”

“In his own bed.”

“What did you say to him?”

“Nothing but I wanna talk to you.”

Angry, ChiChi hissed, “I have nothing to say. Let me go!”

“Then I’ll talk. I thought you didn’t want me anymore but earlier, I saw you. I smelt you. I knew you wanted me like I wanted you. I thought about it for hours but I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t wanna be with me. Then I remembered something else King Kai told me. He told me don’t disappointed if your body is different.” ChiChi stopped struggling. Taking a chance, Goku released ChiChi.

ChiChi took a step away from Goku as she turned to face him. “He said that?”

“Yeah. I thought he was silly. I wasn’t gonna be disappointed in how you look. You always look great to me but he’s right, isn’t he, ChiChi?”

He figured it out when ChiChi didn’t think he would. Since he knows…. “It’s been seven years,” she confessed. “You haven’t aged while I have. When you were coming back for a day, I was fine. You’re only here for twenty-four hours. You wouldn’t notice anything but being back for good I knew you will at some point. You wouldn’t say it, but I know you will think I’m different and find me less attractive.”

Goku wanted to laugh but he knew ChiChi would read that the wrong way, kick him out of the house and never allow him to touch her. Instead, he touched the top button of her pajamas. ChiChi didn’t move but her eyes cast downward as Goku removed each button. Her top dropped to the floor with her bra quickly following. At this point, ChiChi closed her eyes as Goku pulled down her pajama pants and underwear.

ChiChi couldn’t bear to see Goku’s face as he examined her birthday suit; see all the imperfections and changes of nearly eight years.

“ChiChi,” Goku spoke calmly. ChiChi didn’t respond. “ChiChi,” Goku commanded. “Open your eyes.”

Slowly, she did. Goku was smiling at her. Of course he will smile. He always did. He fooled so many hiding his real emotions behind a goofy smile.

But it did look genuine.

As entranced she was with Goku’s back earlier, her eyes feasted on his front. With Goten sleeping with them, Goku wore a tank shirt to bed. Now he was nude, her eyes feasted on the beautiful chest she used as a pillow many nights, loved with her lips, tongue and teeth. Her eyes moved down to his muscular stomach. She could feel her insides getting warm as liquid formed between her eyes. Her eyes kept moving south---

“Oh!!” Her eyes met up to Goku’s but dropped back down again at what stood at full attention at her nudity. Goku’s response time was always fast but being older, ChiChi didn’t think Goku would feel like that again.

Perhaps she was wrong.

“You see how wrong you were.”

He was grinning wickedly now. He was enjoying making her feel foolish!

“I don’t know.” She caught his crestfallen face before she shot him a wicked grin of her own. “Maybe you should show me how wrong I am.”

****

Goten glumly entered his room. He sat on his bed with his elbows on his knees pouting and staring at the floor. Gohan, who sat at his desk doing homework, noticed his little brother. “What’s wrong, Goten?”

“Mommy and Daddy’s door is locked. I can’t go in.” Goten looked up at his brother. “Why did they lock the door, Gohan?”

Smiling, Gohan left his desk and strolled to Goten’s bed. He pulled back the bedcovers and urge Goten to get in. He did and as Gohan tucked Goten, told him, “Remember when we talked about Dad coming back? I told you we should leave the night to Mommy and Daddy so they can have time together?”

Goten nodded. “Yeah, but Daddy’s been back for over a week now. Mommy and Daddy have time together every night. I see them. Mommy sings me to sleep, kiss Daddy, kiss me and go to sleep. They have kissy kissy time every night.”

Gohan chuckled. He wondered if he was ever so naïve. “Well, it’s normal for Mommies and Daddies to sleep together in bed and it’s normal for kids like you to sleep in your own bed. Maybe Mommy and Daddy locking the door is their way of saying it’s time to get back to normal.”

Goten wasn’t sure if he liked that idea. “So, I can’t climb in Mommy’s bed in the morning or sleep with them at night anymore?”

“Mommy and Daddy’s bed,” Gohan corrected Goten. “And if the door is locked, no.”

“Goten, you love Mommy and Daddy, right?” Goten nodded. “You want them to be happy, right?” Again, Goten nodded. “Then let Mommy and Daddy have bedtime. You have the whole day to do what you want with Mommy and Daddy. When it’s bedtime, let Mommy and Daddy be happy together.”

Goten thought about that. In the daytime, Goten spar with Daddy, fish with him, hike through Mount Paouz together and play with him. With Mommy, he learns his schoolwork but she also lets him help bake sweets like cookies and takes him to the park. Thinking about it, Goten realizes he does a lot with his parents in the daytime. At nighttime everyone goes to sleep. Why would Mommy and Daddy be happy spending time doing that?

#Gochiweek2020 #Gochiweek #Son Goku #Goku #Son ChiChi #Chichi #Snippets in Time #Part Five #Dragonball Z #Gochi #fanfiction

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jokers-sweethearts · 7 years

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Harley’s Daughter Imagine: That Dress

Request: (anon) Love your stories! Can you do an image on where the clown princess is just super shy and not really self confident? Then Harley takes her to the club, dances with her and shows her that she shouldn't give a sh*t about what others are thinking of her? That it is important so be yourself, especially when you're the princess of the underworld 😏💪🏻That would be awesome!

//////////////

The Joker sat on his daughters bed watching her pace back and forth not knowing what to do to help her. In his eyes she had nothing to fear and was beautiful, the only thing that shocked him these days was that she didn’t feel the same. He brought her all these new clothes and jewelry that were now scattered across the bedroom floor after she tried them all on. Not a single one made her happy or did the trick.

“Princess why don’t you try this one again?” Joker asked softly holding up a black dress.

You did your best not to scoff at your father. You knew it wasn’t his fault and he wasn’t doing anything intentionally, he just didn’t understand. Everything he brought you looked like what a nun on her night out would wear. It wasn’t you, in fact you weren’t sure what was you. For once you just wanted to feel good about yourself and be confident to go out, but now as usual you just wanted to call the whole thing off.

A knock on the door broke the silence between the Joker and his daughter and Harley stood there all dolled up and ready to go. She was wearing her infamous black and gold dress that dangled off of her and swayed so perfectly you had no idea how it worked. She looked amazing, and as much as you loved her, you hated her in that moment. She was everything you wanted to be and all you could think about was getting away from her.

“Baby?” she said confused “You’re not dressed?” she twirled her pink tipped hair in between her fingers and chewed on the nails of her other hand. Signaling that she was getting nervous too.

“What gave that away?” Joker snapped back with a smirk trying to lighten the mood, it didn’t work.

You started picking up all the clothes and gathering them into a pile as your parents watched on.

“Thanks for all the stuff dad but I won’t be needing it” your voice was low and stern, it made the hairs on the back of Jokers neck stand up. He was about to inquire what was wrong but his wife beat him to it.

“What do you mean you won’t be needing it? We have plans remember? Mother daughter night?” Harley stared down at her daughter with fire in her eyes.

“I don’t want to go mom”.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because I said I don’t, okay?”

Joker stood up off the bed ready to intervene but he was at a loss. It was so rare for his girls to fight he never knew what to say to make it better. The Joker was never as quiet as when they went at it. Like in an instant he was reverted from the most vicious gangster to a little boy.

“No you can’t just say that, we were looking forward to this!” Harley pleaded, never afraid to show her true emotions.

“You were mom, I wasn’t” you threw the clothes towards the door of your closet and took a seat on your bed. “Can you guys leave I just want to go to bed?” you laid down and buried your face in your pillow.

Joker felt like he was punched in the gut every time his daughter was upset. He could feel her pain in his bones and his initial reaction was to try and get her to smile. He knelt down on the bed to give her a kiss but Harley’s nails digging into his shoulder stopped him. He looked up wide eyed and hungry for his daughters affection to see Harley shaking her head no. The look in her eye was more a warning instead of a suggestion.

Harley mouthed the words, “let me” to her husband before removing her hand and waiting for his next move.

Joker was now irritated and put his hand on his daughters back to rub it and comfort her. Harley then sat down next to her daughter and lifted Jokers chin up with her finger to look him in the eye. Her expression changed from anger to a type of desperation he wasn’t used to seeing in her.

“Please” she whispered to him.

As much as his heart was telling him to resist he trusted Harley to make it okay. He planted a kiss on the back of his daughters neck and his fingers trailed off her back onto Harley’s hand. She shook her head and he slowly lifted himself off the bed and headed towards the door. Harley kept her eyes on him until he was out of the room and on the other side of the closed door. She looked down at her daughter who was still and began to stroke her hair.

“I can tell when you and dad are trying to be secret ya know” you spat at her turning on your side. “There’s nothing to fix so you don’t have to do this”.

“I want to” Harley said back without missing a beat. “Why do you have to shut me out like this?” She could feel a bit of Dr. Quinzel lurking behind her words, now fascinated with figuring out her daughters thoughts. Her mind was so much like her fathers, difficult but always rewarding.

“I just don’t want to go out” you kept things short with your mother hoping she’d leave it, and hoping she’d continue to pick at you.

“Is it those horrible dresses your dad got? You know him, he just wants you to be an innocent little girl forever” Harley giggled thinking of how cute it was, but was cut off by her daughters mocking laugh.

“It’s got nothing to do with my dresses really” you knew those words were like kicking a hornet’s nest but you couldn’t help but say them.

Harley leaned back and took her hand off her daughters hair. She looked over at the pile of dresses and back unsure of what to do next. She toyed with the rings on her fingers in her lap and when the sequins of her dress shimmered against them it clicked.

“You... you don’t want to go out because of my dress?” Harley was devastated at the thought that she caused her daughter to feel this way.

“It’s the dress. It’s the makeup. It’s....” you felt your face heating up and bit your bottom lip to stop yourself from crying. You felt the pit in your stomach filling up and you just wanted to scream. You couldn’t hold it in anymore. You shot up and turned to fully face your mother who leaned back even more like you frightened her.

Harley saw her daughters eyes, inherited from her father and easy to read. When they were filled with fury there was no escape.

“It’s you. It’s you is that want you want to hear? It’s your confidence.It’s you being able to talk to everyone. To dance. To look good for everyone. I can’t do it. Any of it” you were talking so fast you hadn’t noticed the tear streaming down your cheek.

Harley wanted to scream right back. She wanted to grab her cheeks and shake her senseless and scream. Right into her face that she was the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen. That’s she’d kill or die for her. That no matter what she put on her body she was better. But more than that Harley wanted to grab her daughter and pull her against her chest and cradle her.

You felt the anger leaving your body after getting it out and now you were exhausted. Both from yelling at your mother when you knew she didn’t deserve it and making yourself come face to face with what you really thought about yourself. You didn’t have any strength left to hold in your tears. They began to pour down your face and before you knew it, your mothers arms were wrapped firmly around you and she was holding your cheek against her chest. Confused, defeated, and broken you couldn’t think of anything else to do besides hug back.

Harley began stroking her daughters hair again, trying to be as gentle as possible. You lifted your head up and rested it on her shoulder to get some air. She felt the hot tears dropping and falling down her back.

“How do you do it mom?” the words took yourself and your mother both by surprise. “I want to be confident like you are. But I can’t I just can’t do it...”

“Oh baby” Harley said, sounding just as defeated. “You are. You can!” She took her daughters face in between her hands and pulled her head in front of hers. “If you could only see what I see”.

You pulled yourself out of her grasp, wiping your face “The world doesn’t see me like you do. They see that I’m not you”.

Harley sat there still for a moment thinking carefully of how to approach it. Her daughter was like her father in more ways than one. Saying something wrong could change the entire outlook and make the situation blow up in her face.

“You know what baby? You’re not me. You’re right/” Harley began much to her daughters surprise. “Know who you are?” She stopped.

You turned your head slightly confused and waited for her to explain further. Harley leaned in almost touching her nose to yours.

“You’re the fucking clown princess” she smiled wide.

You sat there taken a back for a moment, but your mothers laughter eventually made your mouth curve into a slight smirk.

“You are the fucking clown princess. This city belong to you. No one would dare look at you any other way. You see? I don’t have that. I never will. You were born into this the flesh and blood of the Joker. You confidence is there, you just have to find it. And if anyone says different,” she paused to reach up the leg of her dress. She pulled out a small knife and tapped your lips with it “I’ll make them fucking pay princess” Harley threw her head back and cackled. It shook you to the core and was contagious. You matched her as your tears dried. But the laughter soon faded and reality set back in.

“How do I find it mom?” you said holding onto her hand.

Harley’s face shot around the room, to the clothes on the floor, to the make up on the vanity. But it clicked again when her eyes met her daughters hand below.

“Go grab me that dress your father recommend” she ordered sternly.

You crawled off the bed and staggered over to the dress, hoping this wasn’t going to be what you thought. You didn’t want to wear it. You walked back to your mother and she snatched it from your hands before proceeding to take off the gold and black dress you adored. She placed it gently down on the bed and stepped into the black dress. It hanged a bit above her knee and the v neck barely went down the chest a few inches while the short sleeves hanged off her shoulders.

“Well...” your mother said in front of you with your jaw dropped. “Are you going to change?”

Your heart began to race so fast you were sure it was going to burst out of your chest. The dress that you and half of gotham coveted, that you adored was being offered to you. You couldn’t lie to yourself, you wanted this. You kicked off your pants and threw your shirt down next to you. You picked the dress up gently and held it like a new born baby. The fabric rested in your hands and flowed like water over your fingers. The beauty of it took your breath away. You felt your mother poke your side signaling you to get on with it. In one swift motion you took it over your head and let it fall over your body, the gold strands cooled your back and the tassels at the end tickled your bare legs.

“There. Does that help?” Harley’s grin was stretched ear to ear seeing her daughter fill out the dress. Just as she thought, it looked much better on her.

You looked down and ran your hands over yourself unable to speak. The most you could do was turn to your mother and now do what she had done. You mouthed the words “Thank you”.

Harley walked over to the vanity where the makeup was and quick looked at herself to make sure everything was in place. She swiped lipstick and turned to toss it to you. You caught it and looked back at her.

“You’ll want that” she winked. “Now... are you ready or not kid?”

It seemed silly to you, still like it was an out of body moment. The anxiety of waling into the club and seeing all those faces and being afraid of what they’d think filled you. But when you looked in the mirror and saw yourself you got something else from it, a thrill. Like a shock of electricity ran down your spine. You were ready to face the world like never before. The memory of the knife on your lips and your mothers words echoed in your head.

The fucking clown princess.

“Yes” you began, more proud than Harley had ever heard “I’m ready”.

Harley marched over to the door ready for the night but when she opened it Joker basically stumbled in and almost fell to his knees.

“Oh uh.... I was just...” he tried to find his words “Why are these doors so weak huh?” He punched the frame and dented it “We have to fire Frost I’ll right on it”.

“Puddin?” Harley said ignoring what he just did.

“What Harls?” he asked and saw her pointing over her shoulder.

Jokers eyes lit up when he saw his daughter, the spitting image of her mother. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight.

“Well well well.... what do we have here huh?” he pushed his green hair back out of his face.

“You’re not mad about me wearing it?” you walked over and joined them in the doorway.

“Mad? Oh no no no I can’t be mad at something so beautiful can I?” he smiled exposing his metal teeth “I’ll only be mad if someone thinks they have a chance” he tapped the gun in his holster before leaning down to kiss the top of your head.

“I think I have it under control” you quick shot back at him and strutted out of your room to the front door.

Joker and Harley looked at each other, Joker frozen in disbelief and Harley relieved.

“And where did that come from?”

“I’m telling you puddin, it’s that dress” Harley kissed his lips deeply before pulling away and joining her daughter at the door.

The drive there was the fastest your mother has ever gone. You could feel your body being held back against the seat. You both laughed away and the radio was blasting, noise all around but there was still that moment you had with yourself where everything drowned out into silence.

The anxiety, the uncertainty, the fear that someone was going to look at you wrong or whisper or laugh and everything you were feeling that was good would be gone. You kept looking over at your mother then in the mirror to keep your confidence up.

The club was packed as usual, when you pulled up the crowd scattered recognizing the car and not wanting to be in the clown families way.

“Ready to show everyone who you are?” Harley leaned over and asked before stepping out.

You didn’t reply, just shook your head and joined her on the outside. The walk up to the doors was the longest of your life but once inside, it was like you never left. The club that you came to when you were little, always with your parents, was exactly the same and gave you a strange sense of comfort. Like a second home. It was Jokers club, and therefore yours too.

You straightened up your back and followed your mother in, each step feeling the dress swing and lightly hit your body. You knew people were staring but you didn’t feel the need to run and hide. You wanted to be there, you wanted to show off.

Looking around the room, everyone was doing the opposite of what you expected. No friends whispering and giggling to each other. No one turning away in disgust.The looks were all on you, the jaws were on the floor because of you. You loved it.

Harley grabbed your hand and pulled you close to her, “Now you know there’s only one thing left to do right?”

“What’s that?” you asked back.

She smiled at you before turning and pointing to the dance floor, in the center was the glass box that Harley claimed as hers all those years ago.

“I had your father put that in for me ya know baby. Remember watching me dance in it?”

“Y..yes” you knew what she was about to say.

“Well get in there and own it baby” she grabbed the purse from your hands and searched it for the lipstick she’d tossed you. She ran it over your lips and gave them a small kiss. “Just like your father wears”.

Harley took her daughters hands and started pulling her to the glass box. Once inside she dropped the purse to the ground and pulled the gold chain from the top and handed it to you. Without hesitation she began to dance and you copied her moves. When the lights dimmed and the music dropped you fell into it. You let the feeling take over your body and began moving without thinking. The dress moving with you and it’s reflection shimmering on the glass. The people crowded around you and your mother, some to press up against the glass and stare and others to dance along with you, all staring and cheering in awe.

The feeling of being afraid drained from your body and now you felt like just earlier when you were denying to even come felt like a lifetime ago. In that moment you couldn’t picture yourself anywhere else. Or being anyone else.

Why would I? you thought to yourself with the music pounding in your chest. I’m the fucking clown princess.

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nolanislame · 5 years

Text

backstage

Although Nolan was very sentimental, it was extremely rare for him to actually cry, overall because most of the time he was joking around even when singing deep songs of his own. This time, on the other hand, after talking to the students he felt how important the lyrics of his song was and couldn’t help but cry a bit. Unfortunately, he even lost one performance or other while talking to the teenagers but right after he searched for Sahar with reddened eyes after crying. As soon as his eyes rested on her, he smiled and walked towards the girl; his fancy clothes were already gone and he’d stay with his signature hoodie. Seeing her turned her back at him, he embraced her by the waist and gave her a little peck on warm neck. “Hi beautiful, why aren’t you up there singing?” Whispered near her ear, a small smile widening in his lips. And he meant it. Nolan was really enchanted by her voice and her completely.

Waves of hair cascaded down Sahar’s back as she stood alone backstage, having just finished speaking to one of the production team. The short but glistening dress caught the light with every movement and had the girl far out of her comfort zone, as did all of these events, but being able to witness Nolan on stage was worth it every single time. Her reputation of being soft and sensitive even followed her here and it was evident from the way her makeup artist had rushed to touch her up after the performance. Now, the instant Sahar felt arms around her waist, anxieties escaped her body. A wide smile spread across her face all the way up to her eyes as she pressed her lips together to prevent the quiet laugh from leaving. “I think I might start with performances a lil smaller than televised award shows, baby.” The girl teased, voice barely above a whisper whilst she relaxed into his hold for a moment, “I could ask you the same thing, though. Why aren’t you still up there?” It was after that question when she turned her head to look at him, pressing her lips against his cheek for a few lingering seconds, not even pulling back to speak, “How come you get to stay in comfy clothes, eh?”

Being this close to Sahar would always be one of Nolan’s favorite thing, inhaling her perfume while closing his eyes so he could feel her warmth better, hands pulling her even closer and soon enough he gave her a small peck on her neck. His fingers searched for hers, interlacing them and caressing the back of her hands with his thumbs. “I think you should start on award shows, since your voice is just as good as those on the stage tonight.” Moved his head slightly to point to the actual stage and giggled in lower voice right after. “Oh, so you didn’t want me here with you, is that so?” Asked playfully although his voice remained low since they were close enough. Smiled a bit wider as soon as she looked at him, brown eyes focusing on hazel ones before closing to feel the small kiss. “Guess they pity me walking around with suits…” Whispered, turning his head slightly so his lips would meet hers, kissing her slowly. “But you look amazing, look at you!” Released one of her hands so he could make her spin for him to look at her outfit. “Gorgeous.” Spoke softly pulling her close once again but being face to face with her. “Still think you should be performing today, it’d be my favorite performance!” Couldn’t help but smile while speaking.

Nolan’s ability to make Sahar instantly feel safe and at ease with most situations - the way his touch was so soothing but still so electric - was something that she’d never get over or take for granted. Even now, the small peck and the thumb over the back of her hand was enough to have her smiling to herself in appreciation. “My voice is not on par with /the/ Augustus Feder, Jones. I won’t listen to this slander.” The girl’s voice was teasing in tone and it was clear that her comment was made out of humour when a quiet laugh followed her words. “You know full well that I’d have koala’d you on that stage if I could’ve..” Tongue came out to swipe over soft lips as she studied his face, eyes trained on that smile she adored so much. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes as Nolan mentioned his suit and she gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “I hate that you look so good in both suits and hoodies - that’s unfair.” The kiss prevented her from pouting only until it was over, and then her lower lip was jutted out again even as she turned. The flush of colour which took over the brunette’s face was one which consistently managed to overcome her attempts at containing it whenever he complimented her; it was as though she was a shy school girl with a crush all over again. A quiet giggle escaped parted lips as her eyes avoided his. “I’m practically your height now and that’s the one positive right here,” it was at this point that she looked back to his eyes, a small hand coming up to softly cup his cheek. “You cried, didn’t you?”

Although Nolan felt very comfortable on stage, knowing that Sahar was watching him all along made him feel even more at peace, as if nothing could go wrong as long as he could search for her beautiful eyes across the crowd. Started laughing as she emphasized the way she spoke about Gus and shook his head. “Neither is mine! No one’s is!” Nolan and Gus’ musical style were pretty different from each other, still he recognized the awesome artist the other man was and couldn’t disagree about his voice being out of this world. Shrugged with a small smile tainting his lips. “I wish you did, I told you to do it already, I’d sing everything holding you in my arms!” It was impossible to keep a straight face as he said all that, knowing very well how impossible it’d be for them to be together on stage, even if his fans liked her the way they do. Raised both eyebrows at her. “What?! How’s that unfair? You look gorgeous no matter what you’re dressing too, so there’s that!” It didn’t take him long enough to get back to smiling – it was easy to smile next to her. Seeing her blushing was enough for his heart to be warm and his free hand touched her face with care while his other arm embraced her waist, pulling her close once again. Honestly, as much as Nolan was interested on the other performances, all his attention was Sahar’s and nothing could change it. “Almost there, almost my height.” Both arms wrapped around her waist and he smile became sweeter with the touch of her hand on his face. “Cried? Of course not, I never cry…” He didn’t even try to convince that his words were true, considering that he had cried just now. “A little bit, maybe.” Rested his forehead of hers, brown eyes restless noticing every detail of her face.

It was easy for anyone to feel pride when watching Nolan on stage - from people who had barely heard his name before to the people closest to him. This performance was no exception. The butterflies which appeared to permanently live inside Sahar seemed to move up to her chest whenever he sang and she could never help the huge smile and blush which tinted her skin. The silence spoke for her as it accompanied raised brows, hazel eyes failing to leave his despite the smile breaking out over her face. Any attempts to stay serious were always foiled by a single glance at the taller male. “Actually, I think your voice is, just in a different way!” Finally, she spoke up, a soft kiss being pressed against his cheek. “Uh huh, and how are you gonna play your guitar if you’re holding me, Jones?” The question was presented with that playful attitude which came so naturally to the girl and was only intensified by being around Nolan. Sometimes Sahar found herself zoning out as the male spoke, the words not really being words anymore but just the sound of his voice forcing a wide smile on her lips and a calmness instilled in her. It took a physical shake of the head to bring her back out of her own little world where she tried to piece together what he’d been saying. “I look my best when I’m covered in seventeen layers of makeup and wearing a fancy dress which takes at least six people to get me into.” Poking out her tongue towards him, Sahar closed her eyes, allowing her sense of touch to be the only one active as he gently touched her skin, “I promise I’ll buy stilts one day.” A thumb softly traced a small path across the skin of his cheek as she waited for his unconvincing denial to end, her smile becoming more subtle and private whilst she quickly kissed his nose, “I think you meant to say ‘a lot’, baby.”

Couldn’t help but let a small laugh slide as he shook his head in disagreement. Not in a million years Nolan had the expectation to sing as Augustus but it was endearing the way Sahar spoke. “You have to say that!” Filled with playfulness, he insisted on using the same words the girl used to use with him most times he complimented her. His laughter became a bit bigger and he made use of her proximity to muffle the sound of it, touching her shoulder with his lips. “As long as i can touch you...” It was easy for Nolan to make a bunch of non-dirty things sound dirty. “You know I can’t keep my hands still.” Shrugged. His eyes insisted on scanning her, but mostly her face, whenever Sahar smiled it was if the sun itself was illuminating him and he couldn’t help but smile back. Playfully rolled her eyes once she said how she looked better and purposely licked the tip of her tongue with the tip of his in response for her showing “You look your best at all times, but when you’re naked and when you just woke up and you look at me are my favorites.” His voice was low, intimate, as if they weren’t on a big show like this one. “You don’t need that, you’re perfect.” Whispered as his head leaned against her hand once she caressed his face, almost childishly, twitching his nose before smiling wider with the small kiss. “Nuh uh, just a tiny bit.”

A look of mock offence spread easily across a previously grinning face as Sahar pressed her hands flat against his chest, pushing away with barely any strength behind them. “Are you mocking me? When I’m being so nice to you?” Despite the dramatics, the girl kept her voice quiet considering their propinquity and the number of people moving around them. Tongue tucked between teeth in yet another smile as soon as she heard and felt the vibrations of Nolan’s laughter. It required too much self-control to contain her own and it broke free as soon as those words left his lips. “You can touch me always and whenever, baby.” Retorted, the tone of naivety strong in her statement as though she herself was unaware of the way any of it sounded and accompanied by that reoccuring innocent smile. Eyes crossed for a split second as the girl attempted to follow his tongue, blinking several times to clear them before shifting her gaze back to his face, cheeks flushed with warmth. “Mhm, I can relate to that, but I gotta add how you look when we’re in the bath together to my list of favourites.” The shrug which followed was small and nonchalant but her eyes continued to study his every expression. The Australian gently shook her head, waves of hair being disrupted from their set position. “Funny; i’m pretty sure the whites of your eyes aren’t usually red, you know.”

“Me? Mocking you? I’d never.” Happiness dripped from his words as he spoke while smiling and brown eyes almost closed at the way he used to laugh and smile with her. “I can touch you always and whenever, eh?” Opposite to Sahar, nearly as a pattern, his works came out almost vulgar, small smirk tugging on his lips as his eyes scanned her body completely, without any disguise, glancing back to hazel eyes. The amount of effect Sahar had over Nolan was funny and his hand slid over her back, pressing against her lower back to join their bodies even more. Touched her ear slightly. “If you keep talking about these things with this innocent girl act voice, I will have to get you out of here.” Whispered, his smirk was clear by the way he spoke, no hint of masking the real lascivious intentions behind his words. As if he said nothing, he kissed her cheek and smiled at her. “I don’t think you notice my eyes that much.” Mocked, a fun smile over his lips.

Nodding slowly, acting as though deep in thought for a moment, Sahar cocked her head to the side. “You really are the king of sarcasm - that’s your final form.” Things rarely felt serious between the two unless necessary and it was something she could never take for granted. The reaction was expected, but that didn’t stop the girl from swallowing as she felt his eyes over her body, lower lip being chewed on to contain her own smirk. Well aware of how they were essentially pressed together, Sahar crouched down to adjust the straps of her shoes, hazel eyes never leaving his entrancing brown ones. It was impossible now to prevent the corners of her lips from upturning and so she embraced it, offering him a small but knowing smile. “You know, baby,” She began, a little louder, and stood up straight again. A hand casually brushed against the front of his pants on its way to rest against Nolan’s chest, yet the expression on her face didn’t falter. “I’m just an innocent girl.” Shrugged her shoulders; if he was going to play that game, then she’d be sure to show that she could play it just as well. Since the girl never dropped eye contact, a wide smile spread back across her face, “What was that you said about not noticing your eyes?”

“Do I get my crown now or…?” To play along, he raised his chin slightly, though a king would act before laughing and looking back to beautiful eyes. For as much as they knew each other, Nolan really didn’t expect Sahar to tease him the way she was doing, in the middle of a lot of other workers around them. Observed her as if she was the best thing he ever watched but his eyes were immediately attracted to smaller hands touching him in such a teasingly way; she knew exactly what she was doing and he couldn’t help but smile suggestively at her. Instead of replying her right away, he raised on of his eyebrows to her words as stronger hands grabbed her by the waist, pulling her in his direction. “Come here, innocent girl.” Still took him a few seconds to actually move but soon he took her by the hand, taking her to a corridor that lead to one of the emergency exits, far away from curious eyes unless some accident happened. “Let test your innocence.” In a quick move, he pushed her against the wall, reaching for her thigh and sliding up, invading the fabric of her dress and didn’t hesitate to touch her over her underwear. His lips brushed over her ear slowly and his grin was almost audible. “How does it feel?” Hearing the sound of a busy place, that was right next to them, was enough to keep Nolan even more interested in her reactions.

This temporary burst of confidence was only enhanced by the way Nolan’s eyes appeared to be fixated, tongue poked between teeth in a cheeky grin as Sahar felt the grip on her waist. The buzz of workers moving around them and the more faint sound from the stage seemed to melt into background noise and the only thing which existed was the boy in front of her, his words louder than ever despite how quietly spoken. The anticipation and adrenaline had the girl squeezing his hand tighter, glancing behind them as they entered the corridor in a last assurance that nobody was following them. “Baby, you know how inno-..” Cut off by the feeling of the wall against warm skin, she couldn’t help but squeeze her thighs together. There hadn’t been much thought put into what happened past her teasing, but Sahar wasn’t ready to give it up just yet. Glitter coated eyes fluttered shut and hair fell behind her shoulders in a cascade down her back as a hand came up to rest again his neck, a sigh slipping past her lips. “Couldn’t even wait ’til we got home,” she retorted, tone teasing and smirk evident as she ignored his question. Determined to leave her own mark, the brunette dipped her head to press a kiss to his jaw, sucking slowly but strong enough to leave a darkened mark behind, teeth grazing over her work before smiling against his skin.

There weren’t enough words to describe how attracted he was, it was like every slight movement she made invaded his mind and made him forget every other thought that not exclusively her. The effect she had over him was indescribable and that was something only Sahar achieved; to make him completely dominated by her even when he was the one in charge. A suggestive smirk tugged on his lips as her words were cut off and brown eyes scanned her slowly, almost as if he was checking her, before fixating his eyes on hazel ones as he noticed the way she squeezed her thighs together. Unhurriedly, Nolan’s hand slid up her body, fingers ghosting over her belly, reaching for her breast and clasping it purposely with almost no strength at all. As she had her eyes closed, brown ones noticed every detail of her face once again, a small snort, almost lascivious, escaped him and he continued to go up with his hand, this time fingers brushing off her hair from her neck just so it’d make way to his lips. Leaned down, starting to kiss her neck with small bites and sucking on her skin – he couldn’t care less about the fact that they were still at a party and people would probably see the reddened marks on her. Moreover, the idea was arousing. As he felt her lips on his skin, he sighed in delight, smiling slightly; it was a both suggestive and sweet smile. “If I can’t wait to get home, that’s your fault, eh?” Spoke in a husky tone, his lips now close to her ear. Once again, his hand invaded her dress but he caressed her thigh. “C’mon, let me make you feel good.” Whispered, touching her ear with his mouth as he spoke.

#paras

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williamrage · 6 years

Text

Finding Myself and Dealing with Dysphoria

Most of my life, from early childhood up until I was 21 I dressed as a boy, or as boyish as my parents would let me, Then I got with my now ex-boyfriend, at the time I didn’t know anything about the transgender community, I honestly thought I was the only person who felt like a male on the inside. It’s insane when I think that I knew about people who cross dressed and it never really clicked that many were probably just like me.

I went from knowing myself and being who I was as best as I comfortably could, to getting with a great guy and deciding that I would change myself for him, I forced myself to do so many things, things I had no interest in before, which for the most part wasn’t so bad, at least I can honestly say I tried, but I lost myself in that process, and that was something I wasn’t ready to accept until recently.

Who am I now? When I left my ex, I was a shattered mess who had finally found a label for how I felt, but instead of accepting myself, I ran. I ran and continued to try to change myself to fit into this world better, I had this body, why? So I took steps to have a kid. I can’t say it was smart, and sure I regret it some, but I think if I wouldn’t have had my twins I probably wouldn’t be here today.

If I could do it over I think I should have just sucked it up and transitioned. Where would I be today if I had initially started taking hormones? but things were different then, I had two doctors who were not willing to help me, one outright ignored me when I told him about how I felt, maybe if I had looked into it again, even 5 years later, things would have been different, but 10 years ago transitioning looked like a hopeless wish that would just get me into a world of rejection.

It’s not terrible being a dad, twins was something I didn’t expect, and doing it alone, even with a lot of help from family, has been a trial that has pushed me to my limits. I’ve resigned myself to being alone forever romantically. For a long time I’ve don’t very little aside from live and care for my daughters, I’ve forced myself to do many things like joining a twin parenting group, and trying to socialize.

Unfortunately, it’s when I’m socializing my twins or parent groups that my dysphoria hits me the hardest, my brain tells me I’m a guy, always has, but I know that people see me as a female, and I don’t know how to act, especially around cis women. It’s really hard to describe the feeling, it’s like, I don’t know how to present myself, I want to act normal, on the inside I’m wanting to act and be seen as the man I am, but most of the time I’m in a situation where I feel like I’m being thrown into a game I have zero idea what the rules are and I’m supposed to wing it. It leaves me feeling like a failure and an outcast, it’s bad enough that I’m an introvert, but my masculinity feels trampled on and tossed in the gutter.

On the inside I see myself as that big strong guy that stands in the back looking burly intimidating, and rarely says anything, but is really a big cuddle bear with a sarcastic take on life. I have identified with guys like that my entire life, Norman, from Mighty Max was a big one, these days I think I’d be like Big Mac from MLP. Yup! Most of the time that’s how I’m thinking of myself, I’m that big silent guy in the room, only I’m trapped in a girl’s body… it hurts saying that, because most of the time I can just not think about my body as being either, when I’m sitting I do my best to make my massive boobs disappear, like sitting at my desk right now, it’s a tall desk, my boobs are under the lip of the desk, I also have the tendency to slouch a bit so that they disappear into my chest and my shirt hangs loose over them, I don’t know if people see them, but I feel like I don’t. That’s a trick I learned when they first came in.

For a long time I’ve been able to mostly ignore being trans, there are those times when it’s hard, sometimes at work I’ll see other guys and feel so jealous. I walk and act like these guys… I feel like if my expression and demeanor was paired with a more masculine physique I wouldn’t feel so alien, and people wouldn’t feel so weirded out by how “cold” and “emotionless” I seem.

Dealing with shark week, which after having twins has turned into sometimes a three month blood bath, has been a major factor in triggering my dysphoria. I don’t know if it’s the emotional turmoil or dealing with the mess, but holy cow, there was a time when I would walk to the bathroom fighting back my tears of utter hate for the way I felt in my body. I’ll always be thankful for the day my sister got me a menstrual cup, I feel like it was a lifesaver, honestly, it was a total game changer for me, I can forget all about it most of the time, sure it can be messy and I have to get a little too hands on down in the deeps, but once it’s in, I can go the majority of the day not giving it a second thought.

I think that for most who are transgender, the dysphoria is at it’s worst when we’re forced to be the gender we don’t identify with, I feel sad for the trans little girls who are forced to dress in boys clothes without any compromise available to them from their parents, at least for me as a kid, I could go shirtless and wear jeans and clodhoppers up until puberty and nobody would give it a second thought, at least not on my parent’s property with no neighbors in sight to call CPS.

It was only after I got with my ex-boyfriend that my dysphoria began hitting me the hardest. When I’d buy women’s clothes and makeup. Now before I got with him I never willingly bought or wanted girls clothes, as a kid I fought my parents. I was in 2nd grade when I finally said no to skirts and dresses. I was forced a couple times, mainly on graduation days, and family pictures, that was my compromise, but if it was any other time, NEVER. Makeup was another funny thing to me, I’d get the scented nail polishes and put them on for a time, but then they’d eventually turn into potions, at least until high school when black nail polish and lipstick and all things goth became a thing. But both guys and girls were wearing it, heck, at that time I wanted so bad to look like Eric from the Crow that it hurt.

With my ex-boyfriend it was different, I dove into glitter and rainbows, and all things cute, I bought girl clothes, although I wouldn’t get anything that showed off much, if any, cleavage, I bought some expensive lip glosses and glittery makeup. The problem was, I would put this stuff on and look in the mirror and feel disgusted. I honestly felt like a crossdresser, like I shouldn’t be wearing it, and no matter how beautiful my ex-boyfriend told me I looked I couldn’t see it, all I could think was how much I hated myself. Many times I would get dressed, look in the mirror, feel those feelings and take off everything and opt for my androgynous look, t-shirt and jeans. Most of the clothes I bought were worn maybe once, or not at all. My “makeup” honestly I don’t think you can classify it really as makeup, but lipgloss and glitter, was mostly left alone, I’d wear it for some family get togethers with my ex’s family, but I had no patience for it, and really, I didn’t feel like I needed it anyway.

It was nice being with a guy who didn’t care if his girlfriend was a hardcore tomboy gamer, but I feel like from the beginning I was inauthentic to him, if I could have changed myself and actually have felt like a woman it would have been awesome, but it got to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore. What finally broke the camel’s back was my cousin’s wedding, she wanted me to be a bridesmaid, and wear a dress. What shouldn’t have been a problem, turned into weeks of tossing and turning at night, crying into my pillow while my boyfriend slept, and looking at the dress online and freaking out at the thought of wearing it, and being seen wearing it. I couldn’t do it, and it forced me to take a hard look at myself and realize, as I had many times over in my life, that this wasn’t just a feeling, or a phase, that what I felt was real, that I really was a male on the inside and I couldn’t just keep pretending.

At that point I only heard the term transgender a couple times, and heard it loosely used to describe someone who was born the wrong gender. I remember a couple conversations with my ex-boyfriend where I tried the term out on myself, somewhat as a joke, not really understanding but at the same time, knowing that if there was a word for how I felt, this was it. So when I finally did look up my feelings and the word Transgender came up and I actually dove into what it meant, and found people who felt that way and learned about their experiences I couldn’t just ignore it anymore. I took no time in telling my ex-boyfriend and family.

To me it was so obvious, to look back on my life and actually be able to say “I told you so.” or “I knew it” and actually know that I wasn’t alone. It was unbelieveable. I also knew that it was going to be hard for my parents, but I also knew that if anyone could REALLY understand it was my siblings. I wish my mom didn’t feel like she had to blame herself for everything, I wish she knew that I’ll be forever grateful that she was the one who saw my turmoil as a kid who just wanted a short freaking haircut, and finally took me out and got one. I think my dad took it better, but I doubt he’ll ever know just how awesome it felt for the short time where he made me feel like his only son as we threw the football or baseball every chance we got until the sun went down.

My sisters have been an incredible pillar to my strength. Even when I had resigned myself to living androgynously they remembered our childhood and understood. Even when I acted like I didn’t care what people called me, they made my name real, used the pronouns I shrugged at, let me vent my frustrations and despair over my dysphoria. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of absolute gratitude that I feel toward them in everything they have done. It’s because of them that I can transition and know that in the end not everyone will abandon me.

These days my dysphoria can be really bad, I can’t really look in the mirror, but since my sister started cutting my hair I can sometimes catch a glimpse of the man I’m supposed to be. I’ve had to make myself stop trying to “fit in” with the mom crowd. No more binge buying women’s clothes for me. It’s taken a long time for me to get to where I can accept myself, and some days it’s still hard, but what has changed is that I’m no longer trying to force myself to be something I’m not because no matter what I’ll always be transgender.

So that’s where I am today, I’m at the point where I’ve exhausted my arsenal against who I really am; I ran, I’ve tried to bury it, live with it and deny it. This entire time I’ve known who I am inside, but I thought I could just live with it. I didn’t realize that I was killing myself to please the people around me, I thought it would be so easy to sacrifice my feelings, nobel even, to let people love a hollow shell. But letting them love my hollow shell, came at the cost of my love, because shutting off those feelings shut off my love. It took a long time to realize that that wasn’t love at all, if people can’t love me for who I am really, then what was the point of letting them love something superficial?

#transgender #transmen #williamrage #willrage #ftm

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