#i told you it was SICKENING

[inkskinned]

you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

#writeblr #warm up #my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky #i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles #yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help #for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT #and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen #than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say #''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help #i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.'' #bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't #actually offer fair support to everyone #we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less. #and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help #bc i DID have it better than other people #and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help. #we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn #instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself

[romansmartini]

i am looking away .... 😔

2.05 // 4.10

#succession #romangerri #what if i told you the inability to look at each other came to a head in the most sickening way possible. #even the way he turns his head..... #i started crying making this post actually. for posterity

[fiovske]

liking star wars is partly crying over obi-wan as a neat little study in grief and partly dodging obi/kin shippers as a form of extreme sport

#I didn't even know this... thing existed until jack told me wbt it a couple of weeks ago #like seeing hayden and ewan as like. older dudes. i get why ppl ship it. #i don't like it and i dont agree. but its two good looking men and shippers are predictable as hell. #so i see where its coming from. #but on god obi wan sees anakin as his brother. he says so himself. #he raised anakin all by himself and obi wan was in his 20s when anakin was a 9 year old or smth #its so weird to ship them like. the man raised anakin. he is his older brother. #why are u guys such weirdos that you have to ship it like it makes no sense to me #bc caring for someone as your own brother. it sickens me to dilute something as strong as #a familial bond. something sort of a complicated sibling relationship even in adopted terms doesn't make it any less significant #it just does Not sit right with me pals. #and it feels weird to me.. when its seen through this shallow lens of shipping #love doesn't always have to be romantic to be some 'higher form' of love yall are just cowards #obi wan and anakin's relationship is the foundation of love and betrayal and grief and anger and everything in between #and being platonic doesn't make it any less intense. #tldr: obi/kin is gross and dont interact w me if u ship it end of #anti obikin #do not even LOOK at me if ur into that padawan x master bullshit

[craycraybluejay]

listen i dont say mdni bc this blog is mostly random stuff and not porn but Discretion Advised. if you dont like horror or cursing or politics just.. dont touch those posts or my blog at all really? i'm not your dad. you can click buttons. no one needs to baby proof the internet bc you're intent on infantilizing yourself. if youre online, it is your and with good communication/a healthy relationship your caretaker's responsibility to curate your experience. i do not force people to look at my posts. please do everyone a courtesy and use the block button instead of complaining at anyone whose content you dont like.

#genuinely if someone tried to do this to me when i was a little younger i wouldve told them to shove it up their ass #i cannot imaginr doing it to myself #infantilizing and patronizing to the point of claiming i should be treated like a toddler #like. its sickening. why are u doing this just be nice to yourself #give yourself some damn credit most people have fingers and can click away #idk. one time someone tried to tell me a book i was reading was 'above my level' so i told them if they dont like it they can go fuck themse #selves #idk #dont you feel humiliated??? wrapped in bubble wrap and treated as lesser than? #doesnt it sting? to have others look at you like youre inferior? #why why why do people encourage attitudes like that toward themselves #im starting to think y'all have no self respect :(

[skrunksthatwunk]

fuck offfff poor audio processing makes ppl flirting with me so stupid they'll be like hey you're pretty and I'll go ah 👍😐. or omg yeah! 🤘 or i just laugh bashfully without even knowing what they said until like a minute later. help help my default responses are making people confused and unsettled. and those are the same responses i give when ppl talk shit about me too it's not good

#ah 👍😐ahaha☺️yeah🙂 #met a girl in my childrens lit and bio class who called me beautiful (n) and love (n) and like we have said 2 sentences to each other #i dont thiiiiiiiink it was flirting? but my response was still the 'ok 🙂' #come ON man get it together #the other day the cafeteria guy. oh god the poor cafeteria guy. im so glad he thought i was cute bc i was failing that interaction so so bad #it's actually sickening. just blank staring and hm-whuh?? huh? oh sorry um. [doesnt answer question] #agonizing experience only to get the worst saddest chicken nachos of my life. yhey were so bad #like just staring at him trying to figure out how to ask for food and form sentences for like 40 secs per thing #yk like 4 little tub things. with food and sauces and stuff. head in my hands ughhh embarrassing #not his fault i dont think but somewhere in the middle of that he told me i have a pretty face and i think i just said like #'oh yeah' [actively mid-turn to my friend] [kind of half process it after] 'ahahha aww. thanks! (delayed)' #anyway if i was not mentally tapped out all the live long day a girl telling me 'move over beautiful' woulda like. destroyed me goodstyle #but again it doesnt sink in so like. it didnt. anyway if you're that girl ummm sorry lol not your fault #also your makeup is cool go crazy. if we become friends you will experience this more so. prepare #just. dying. tbf i'd been wandering underprotected in like 12°F weather for 20 minutes so my brain was like. reeling #wuhh-uhbuwhah? wh- ... OH oh yeah uh um like x and y are the (so true) um the. yeah 👍👍 #<- average you telling me things irl moment

[biohazard2017]

literally started crying bc like.. i seriously dont get how people can just watch movies and then walk away and forget about them forever. how can you have no interest in any part of filmmaking - the cinematography the score the lighting the set design the costumes. how can you not care about the narrative - the themes foreshadowing dramatic irony. how can you not care about how they intersect through acting and shot composition and framing and just HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE. how can you sit through a movie completely silent and not feel any emotions at all throughout. how can you sit there and give me excuses about your age and you cant remember and you dont even know what cinematography means.

#my dad walked in while i was watching pacrim. had absolutely no reaction to the Sword scene. #i started talking abt the impact and the weight and the backgrounds and the pace and he was like 'i dont feel anything' like its a point of #pride. and then he jad the audacity to tell me that i probably only liked the movie bc someone told me its good #fucking asshole #as if i cant do media analysis and enjoy a movie bc i actually enjoy it #its just UGH its fucking sickening to me genuinely i literally started crying like how can you not care and be so happy abt it #nitzie.txt

[tariah23]

Every shounen/seinen manga always tries to top themselves by creating the worst parent/ guardian figures ever I swear to god lmfao.

#yujiro is insane and a lot of ppl forget that he’s a rapist too unfortunately #got to the part in the anime where yujiro blew a gasket just because he was told that Baki wanted to sit down and have a normal meal with #him as father and son this is so funny to me bro I had a feeling that baki asked for something so simple and it was enough to piss yujiro #off so badly he’s so easy lgmajsjsjsjsms #kenjaku…. *looks the other way* oh BROTHERHJHHHGHHGHH #thinking about that one panel where kenjaku acknowledged yuuji as his son *explodes* #I don’t want to touch anything in berserk gambino was… man #rambling #yujiro is the kind of character who you’ll just have to take as is he’s definitely one of the most interesting characters throughout the #entire series he’s crazy as hell you kind of want to watch/read just to see what other stupid shit itagaki comes up with to show just how #twisted and unfathomable he is #like we all know that he’s an awful person that’s kind of the point of his character #a guy that just does whatever he wants to whoever and wherever because who can stop him? who can test him? #you’re left easily rooting for Baki along the way and wishing for him to defeat his father like he wants to so badly #their relationship is sickening to say the least lmfao #jack…. I am a fan #you’re always left rocking in your seat and waiting to see the epic clash between these two because of Baki’s determination and perseverance #vs yujiro. the embodiment of an unmovable force #crazy #I hate his ass so much but he’s so interesting lmfao #I like how their relationship heavily contrasts between doppo orochi’s and katsumi’s it’s definitely something else and probably one of the #few healthy father son relationships within the series granted that series has never really focused on such relationships as a base for #anything to begin with but it doesn’t really matter

[achilleslyre]

ffs so much shit just happened and got revealed to me rn i need to stop talking to my family omfgg……..

#talks to aunt who reveals sickening info to me about x #-> tells my dad to not post about thing on FB bc x found out about it bc x’s friend saw it and told her #-> dad gets super pissed at x’s friend and messages her like ‘did you open your fat mouth about [thing]’ #-> i wasn’t supposed to even tell my dad about it but told him just so he woukd not post about thing or future thing at all anymore #and x’s friend will now tell x that my dad messaged her about thing meaning he found out somehow and will figure it was cause of me #-> x will then probably put two and two together n realize that i probably met up with my aunt and she told me that she n x know about thing #i dont want x knowing anything about my wherabouts or that i talked to aunt #-> aunt will prolly be told off for telling me #-> aunt will prolly get mad at me for telling my dad (but i had to so he’d stop posting about thing) #and the thing is that !!!! my dad was explicitly told not to post about thing so that x will never find out ! this is so fucked up! #i’m rlly pissed off rn that x’s friend told x bc she knows EXACTLY why x was never supposed to know about it…. and told anyways… #also mad at my dad bc i told him not to do or say anything and just not post thing anymore but he went and straight up messaged x’s friend #about it which will cause issues for me #family is NAWTTTTTT worth it #why is my family such a fucking shit hole lol #thing is i straight up had to tell my aunt i would walk right out of the restaurant if she didn’t tell me how she and x found out about thin #for her to actually tell me how she found out… the fact she wanted to keep it a little secret or w/e………… i’m so pissed rn #why are family members who’ve abused u ur whole life so obsessive about finding shit out…… fuck x i hope she dies dead #jitter bugs u

[deus-ex-mona]

i thought of my family. i ✨shrivelled up inside✨

#incoherent ramblings that may or may not be oversharing af in the tags. you have been warned #the lyrics just… really hit home at some parts. infidelity ain’t cool man. :( #ughhhh i just. the song’s just…!!!!! aaaaaaaaaa #now i really wanna take a crack at tling it bc. the…. aaaaaaaa #i can’t really explain my feelings about this song? but i have lots of them #like it brought back memories of being there in the cigarette-scented living room of my old place as my apparent other parent called his gf #i’ll never forget how sickening the softer and sweeter(?) tone his voice took on as he talked to her. it was grossssss #like it was such a huge shift from how he was towards his biologically female family members (my mother and myself) #just how was he able to be so soft towards that lady while also slapping the living daylights out of us? >:( it isn’t fair!!!! #my brother was spared from getting hit though. and he was spared from being involved in their fights too. male privilege ig. it’s not fair!! #not that i’d want that asshat to be sweet to me in the first place. heck no. #there was this time he asked me what kind of music i listened to. i told him t-swift bc i didn’t want him near my fav song: caramelldansen #he looked up one of her songs on yt to seem relatable，i told him ‘i don’t listen to t-swift’，and he screamed at me :((( #and there was also that time i was screamed at for calling him a perv for pointing out mosquito bites on my inner thighs :((( #and yet… just *how* was this ugly ass loser able to get girlfriends as a married man??? he’s 155cm so he doesn’t even have the height factor #ughhhhhh cheaters always remind me of this clown. i hate him. i really do. i hate tons of things but he’s the thing i hate most in the world #i can’t get rid of that mf though >:( the cons and cons of being literally named after him bc he was disappointed that i was born a girl ig #well. this sure got off-topic… i probably need therapy lol #but therapy’s too expensive (and too complicated to get) so tag therapy it is!!!! #i’ll just vent my life’s worries in the tags here all while everyone else suffers with me >:) #but… kitto wakareru yo’s a beautiful song (musically speaking). chico’s voice and the instrumentals are so good and very emotional… #but the dude mentioned in the lyrics can go cocc himself ig. cheating is unforgivable!!!!!!! #it is suiyoubi my dudes #inedible blubbering

[neonacidtrip]

I am home from apartment hunting and I would just like to say I am extremely disappointed, as an able-bodied person, to learn only 1 out of the 13 complexes we visited had an elevator.

#like i can take the stairs its whatever i guess #but something i had on my checklist was accessibility #one place had wheelchair ramps but it doesnt do much when you have no elevator #apparently its florida law that a building less than 4 floor isnt required to have an elevator #but then all the buildings are less than 4 floors?!?!?! disgusting #my boy tried to placate me by reminding me that we are able-bodied which turned into me lecturing him #that able-bodied people have to advocate for disability rights #it also pissed me off because both his mom and my mom have issues with stairs #and ive told him many times i dont like using the stairs because there are never cameras in the stairwells #not to mention one of our main goals is to make new friends once we move and those friends might be disabled #we ourselves may become disabled one day. i already have joint pain. its super easy to break a leg #its sickens me that disabled people either have to pay more to live in a place with an elevator #or they have to pay more to have a first floor unit (yes in florida 1st floor units usually cost more) #also! most of the stairs were just plain gross! dirty and rusty and covered with mold #anyway apartment hunting is fun but largely sucks because theres so much to be disappointed by #several places just had trash everywhere. multiple wouldnt answer phone calls. one wont answer emails #none have cameras in the parking lot and had no policy regarding crime that occurs in their parking lot other than 'file a police report' #one place tried to convince us its normal to have roaches in the unit in florida even though only one place had them #we didnt even go into all 13 units because by the end my standards had gone up and my tolerance had gone down #so we left two places without completing the tour just because our reception was nonexistent and there was trash everywhere #my boy fell in love with a place with 1star ratings trash everywhere and a raccoon problem. send help #neo rambles #neo speaks #neo apartment hunts #apartment hunting #tw mold mentioned #mold mentioned #accessibility #disability advocacy #ableism

[the-acid-pear]

Killing my dad with a rock arc

#luly talks #you ever see a man who doesn't understand anything at all #ohh bc my bringing up was bad SO WAS MINE #I'M A SELF MADE PERSON MY MOTHER DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME MY FATHER WASNT PRESENT BUT FOR 2 DAYS A WEEK #my head hurts so bad #everything is about him he thinks thinking about a person is all there is to caring about someone #hmhmmh mh can't even cry anymore #he had the audacity to bring up me dropping out and then made it about HIM about how HE was involved and how HE had hope and about how HE #HE HE HE THAT'S ALL THERE IS #NEVER IN A MOMENT HE THOUGHT ABOUT HOW *I* FELT THEN TELLS ME TO MY FACE I DROPPED TO PLAY MY VIDEOGAME #AND I KNOW HE SAID THAT BC HE WAS ANGRY BUT WHEN HE WAS INTO A GAME AND PLAYED ALL DAY AND WANTED TO BECOME PROFESSIONAL DID I EVER SAY #SOMETHING NEGATIVE??? NO I FUCKING DIDNT #THIS ISN'T ABOUT HOW ONE WAS RAISED BECAUSE ONE IS AN ADULT WHO'S BEING TOLD WHAT HE'S DOING WRONG AND YET AND YET !!!! #anyway i went for a walk outside and it was sickening the sounds of my shoes on the floor were so high abd loud... #i wanted to walk shoeless but i thought that was a bit too far i already was chewing something with my hand close to my mouth #head low eyes fixated on a singular point #i looked very not normal is what im saying i looked stereotypically not normak #which is good for if anyone wanted to steal from me i look like the kind who would stab you on the throat w a pen #i also wasn't walking i was waddling #bc the aforementioned shoe issye #yeah we are having a day today folks

[rachiller]

I didn’t realise just how much sexism there is in my workplace until I started working with a male manager who 1. Actually Listens to me 2. Takes my ideas on board without me having to overexplain/justify for 7274 hours 3. Treats me like I have a brain and now it’s just like wow. The men who I work with need to be dropped off a cliff.

#I’m the only woman in the restaurant C is the only woman in the kitchen #on top of being a woman of colour #we are constantly so angry #b is like if anyone gives you shit for anything you do just tell them to talk to me #I have so much more freedom now bc if I get questioned on why I’m doing something I just have to go oh b said to do it (lying) #because I know that if they asked him he’d be like oh yeah of course #I got told off for TAKING STOCK FOR THE BAR #because despite me being a manager apparently only he has that authority #and I went oh b asked me to and immediately the attitude changed #having to hide behind a man’s authority is sickening in its own way #but that im able to use it for my own ends is helpful at least

[waxscentedcandles]

Videogames are supposed to exist to be a break from stress and a way to vent frustration,,

SO WHY THE FUCK DO THEY ALWAYS AGGRIVATE AND FRUSTRATE ME SO MUCH

I can't even play fucking star dew valley without getting anxious and annoyed, let alone any game with any sort of pressure or imaginary stakes (why do games include pressure and stakes??)

I can't handle life as it is what the fuck am I supposed to use to cool off and enjoy myself that doesn't Bore Me To Death if not games?

I'm so fucking tired and so easily frustrated I can't handle this shit

#and if anyone ever fucking says 'get good' to me in person i will actually strike them physically out of sheer unbridled pent up rage #Fuck This. Fuck You Games. Fuck You Gamers. Fuck Im Gonna Kill Something #Ive had friends that i loved belittle me for the sake of gaming and i tell you now that it took SUCH restraint not to beat them down #its worse knowing that toxic gaming culture has told friends that my being easy to frustrate just makes me an easy target #sickening

[4filen0tfound4]

ok so there was someone saying fuck during lunchtime and ppl were telling him to not™ but then he said "oh its just yuck with an f lmao" and for some reason that was enough for baby me. so the whole day i was on a saying fuck high but then i was told that if someone catches me saying fuck i'd get tied to a tree and beat up :( sad!

Ok I was going along w everything until the last part what the fuck is wrong with kids. Who tells them that.

#I can’t rlly judge tho I told a kid a liked that if he ate the eraser of a pencil he would die a slow sickening death #because I wanted to show how smart I was. he cried right after #ty answers stuff #anyways HA YOU SAID FUCK !!!!

[derpinette]

memory: when i was a toddler OMW back home with my mother on one of those intercity travel buses when we suddenly heard women screaming only for me to look down & see dozens upon dozens of cockroaches running up my legs & under my dress

#legitimately traumatized me for life #pretty sure i felt no way about bugs up until that point in fact beetles were my favorite to grab &play with in my kindergarten's... garten #sorry #there were hundreds of them running around everywhere on the floor. i have no recollection of what happened next or later that evening #apparently it was because of the hot weather & something about the bus that made it so that all those roaches escaped & dispersed everywher #still feel sickened when i hear that bus company to this day #Events That Formed My Sundowning Neurosis. soon as the lights dim i turn into a purely atavistic prey aminal #it happened again when i was with my cousin in the summer when my mother sent us out to get something from teh bodega #& my cousin was like trying to reassure me that no roaches were crawling up my legs but there actually were #it was just too dark to make out until we reached a lamp post O_O that was years & years ago BTW #IDC that they are harmless i wrote this post because there was one in my bathroom just now & all i could do was scream for help #apparently barely cos i was told it was a “pathetic scream” i was Paralyzed !!!! they were like what would you do if you lived by yourself #literally Die & let that thang take over my house IDKcaus i am not going anywhere near it #AUUURRRGHHHH go away pleeeaase. let Us be civil OK leave me alone please leave me alooone ( that one video ) #i have no fear of bees or wasps or whatever other ones libellules i forgot what the name was in english. oh dragonfly. Dope name. ETC ETC #sortof creepygirl tumblr 2009-2012 if you thinkabout it... ♯Swag

[warmpants]

Ok actually... genuinely it's like... if shiv and kendall never fucking take him seriously or value his input and opinions they're basically asking him to run back to logan. Which is something he's alr inclined to do because he's fucking roman. He really seemed game at first to get into their own thing and actually separate their legacy and business lives from their father's but kendall and shiv are still so hell bent on fucking with him and pissing him off and the best way to do that when he isn't in their personal lives is via big business moves. Hit him where it hurts. "Oh let's just fuck with him, wouldn't this be so funny" but it can never just be that. It can never just be one thing. They got their taste n now they've gotta keep going. Roman may be addicted to logan's "love" or at least unable to let go of his love for logan but we know they're just as obsessed w him... And all this combined w not taking roman seriously, rejecting his interest in their own startup, leaving him the odd one out re:their move on the gojo deal... ugh... They wanna be able to strike out on their own and act as business partners but they can never escape their sibling dynamics (w rome at the bottom of the pyramid). Shiv can go on about how logan thinks he's fucking right all the time and it's not like that isn't true but they inherited that shit from him too!!! Noooo we're just smarter. We just know business better. This is a great idea, you just wouldn't get it, rome. When in the past he has been shown to have good ideas, think just as if not more rationally than them, and in fact "get" the business... ugh!!!

#op #succession spoilers #I'm the world's least insightful suck poster. just rambling and thinking about how #much they continue to belittle him even now #no logan isn't good to him. it isn't like roman doesn't know that. but at the same time he's kind of the only person who's ever told roman #he believes in him. even now. it's like the 'but what if...' #logan saying he could really use him following the siblings' behavior towards him is like the nail in the coffin #sick of it all! #sickened by it all #in the middle of this post I basically repeat what connor was onto but you get it. I wa/ incensed. #was