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ma-tsu-the-male-goddess · 4 years

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Crack Fic Team Write!!!!!

You’ve all been waiting for weeks, but I am here to present the final product of mine and @taliaxlatia‘s ridiculous prompted adventure. Thanks to all who voted, and here it is, written in one session and not even remotely proofread. Please enjoy:

Villain Capri-tiaSUN

It’s the first year that Vanitas has been forced to attend the Villain Appreciation Convention, and he doesn’t have high hopes for the event. However, an artificially-flavored fruit drink and one blue idiot may make his Heart of Darkness just a little lighter.

THIS IS NOT A SHIP FIC I PROMISE.

It was the seventh annual Villain Appreciation convention, and Vanitas was already ready to go home. Void, he’d been ready to go home before he got here. Xehanort kept telling him to “play nice” and “don’t spread the Unversed here” and “don’t eat too much sugar” and what was he supposed to do, sit in a corner and be quiet? He’d tried to do that, but the trapdoor he’d tried to hide inside had led to… he really didn’t know. Some kind of disco rave with alligators and too many lights. So he’d dumped some Bruisers down there and thrown the door shut.

It wasn’t like he wanted to talk to anyone. Frankly, he just wanted to lean dramatically against a wall near the snack table and cast his golden eyed glare over the assortment of Disney (and other animation studio) villains. Not that glaring had much of an effect on people like Yzma and Drago, who looked horrifying enough without trying. Maybe he could try to ride Drago’s dragon again… nah, the giant dragon was still in the fake observatory on the roof. Vanitas didn’t want to get squished in the cramped space up there. Plus, all the food was here, and who knew when Xehanort would take him somewhere he could eat again—

“Ollo, fellow hu-maan. What is on the ceiling?” A man with a large blue head was sidling up to him, doing the most ‘I’m totally not suspicious’ walk he’d ever seen. (He was assuming the rest of him was also blue, but with how little skin the dude was showing, who knew?)

Vanitas looked up, frowning at the blinking dials and metal pipes and other assorted junk attached to the walls and roof. He was pretty sure half a donut was caught in the space between two pipes. Was that what the weirdo was talking about?

“I’m not human. I’m a heart of darkness,” he replied boredly, because Xehanort had let him know that often enough.

The obviously-also-not-a-human jumped. (What was wrong with him? How could someone look that suspicious, just standing there?)

“Oh! Of course!” He mouthed heart of darkness to himself, looking confused. “But I was meaning to ask about your more vertical state of being, of such a being as is yourself.” He seemed to be… wiggling? Did he even know how to stand still? You’d think being covered in that amount of spikes would lend to someone being at least a little careful of his surroundings.

“I’m… standing?” He raised an eyebrow. Was something getting lost in translation, or was the blue man just an idiot? The whole “secret lair” was surrounded with a forcefield that allowed the villains from different worlds to understand each other, but it must be defective. “And you’re also standing. In the way. Of the snack table.” He enunciated each word clearly, like he would if he were talking to Ventus.

He reached for one of the cookies shaped like a severed finger—which was a little gross, even for him—and the blue moron finally moved over and promptly tripped over nothing.

He looked semi-defeated when he stood up and turned back around—which was fair, honestly—but the exasperation also present seemed a little uncalled for. It wasn’t his fault the guy didn’t know what he was talking about. That large head obviously wasn’t filled with brains. He very clearly gave up and shifted to a new topic.

“I like your pants, they’re very… presentational.” What? “I was hoping to buy some new ones with bigger pockets, mine are a little… tight.” He paused for a moment to strike a pose, clearly trying to emphasize his… assets.

Vanitas staunchly refused to give him a once-over. Maybe he should be relieved that at least there had been no comment about his definitely-not-a-skirt.

“Yeah…” Could the blue guy just die from awkwardness? It would save Vanitas the trouble of deciding whether or not stabbing him was worth it. There was some kind of peace treaty at these villain conventions, Xehanort had said, but frankly he didn’t see the point. What screamed villainy more than senseless violence?

He was just about to edge away, leaving the no-longer-a-safety-zone of the snack table, when the man got right up into his business. It was really looking like stabbing was gonna be his only option. A leather-gloved hand was shoved into his face, narrowly missing the cookie he’d just shoved in his mouth to avoid responding.

“Megamind, not at your service!” He looked proud of himself for the stupid greeting. Maybe Vanitas would skip the knife and just bite him.

“Vanitas, leaving now.” He brushed past Megamind’s shoulder—ouch those spikes hurt, but he wasn’t going to give the idiot the satisfaction of knowing that—in order to grab the last Capri Sun off of the snack table as he made his dramatic exit.

An offended gasp caught his attention, and, before he turned all the way around, a blue and black blur lunged into him, knocking him into the table and his drink to the floor. It took a moment before the thing in front of him made sense.

Megamind was shoving his way underneath the table next to him, butt poking into the air and waving obnoxiously. Those pants were rather tight, but who the heck even wore leather pants nowadays.

“Ah ha!” A triumphant cry came from underneath the ugly plastic table cloth. “You are mine, fancy liquid container!” Megamind tumbled back onto his rear and held the pouch aloft before bringing it right up to his eye. “How do you get inside of that, little juice?”

Was he talking to the Capri Sun? His Capri Sun, actually.

“Give me that!” Vanitas demanded—not whined, he didn’t whine, and Braig could keep his ‘as if’s to himself—and dove for the artificially flavored fruit drink. “It’s mine!”

Megamind scrambled back one-handedly. “It is not! Finder’s keepers! Roxanne told me it was the law!” He tried to stand up and slipped on his cape, landing flat on his big blue head. He let out a long pathetic groan.

“Well, I’m the finder now.” He snatched the pouch from Megamind’s gloved hand and took off down a narrow passageway hidden behind some copper wires. How in the Void had this happened? He just wanted to take one sugary drink for the road, but apparently that would be too easy.

But it was his Capri Sun now. No leather-clad hellion was going to take it from him.

A bludgeon from behind took him right off his feet, and possibly broke his nose. Why did bad things happen to bad people?

His attacker’s hand was digging under his chest what, and he swung an elbow back with a satisfying crunch.

“Ow! My giant blue head!” He groaned and fell back. “What are your elbows made of?”

“Darkness. And whatever else it takes to make you leave me alone.”

“Rude! I should never have let you into my secret lair!” The man was definitely whining now and still freaking on top of him. “All I wanted was the strouwbarrie bahnahnahnah pouch.”

Vanitas blinked, briefly stopping his struggle. “...Strawberry banana?”

“No? What does that even mean?”

Megamind, Vanitas decided, was a bigger idiot than Ventus. He hadn’t thought that was possible, but here they were.

“...Do you even know what bananas are?”

The non-human growled behind his head, and rolled onto the floor next to him. Vanitas heard him mutter an ‘ow’ from where he lay.

“Ow? You’re the one wearing the freaking spikes!”

“And it is a personal choice.” Why was he the one who sounded offended?

“You’re stupid,” Vanitas said the words he’d been thinking this whole time. Then he pulled the straw off of the front of the Capri Sun and jabbed it into the pouch. After a scuffle like that, he deserved the sweet taste of victory. The sweet, strawberry-banana victory.

He should probably leave before Megamind decided to pull some other ridiculous stunt and made Vanitas actually stab him, but for now the cold concrete floor was just as comfortable as the Keyblade Graveyard.

(Plus, he didn’t want to spill his juice.)

He slowly became aware of the sniffles coming out of the blue man-child by the wall.

“But…”

Megamind could not get any more pathetic. Was he seriously crying over a Capri Sun? Why were all the villains here so terrible at being evil?

“I host this event every year, you know,” he muttered through his stuffy nose. “I’ve met villains from all over the worlds. So… you’re not the first person—or heart of darkness, I suppose—to tell me that.”

Oops, he must have said that aloud. Now he almost felt bad. Almost.

“Uhh,” He really didn’t know where he was going with this. He took a deep slurp on his Capri Sun before lying, “I’m sure nobody else meant it.”

Megamind scoffed. “Of course they did. They’re villains! We’re not exactly built with filters!”

“You’re right. We’re villains. Villains lie.”

He wasn’t sure why he bothered. It didn’t matter if Megamind felt bad about himself. It wasn’t like his sadness would manifest as physical creatures like Vanitas’s did.

“Yeah,” Megamind sniffed, “we’re lying on the floor right now.”

Vanitas couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing, a shocked, unused sound that felt weird in the back of his throat. But… good, too. Megamind was stupid— but maybe that didn’t mean he was bad. Or good. Or— well he was bad at being bad, clearly, and… whatever. He knew what he meant.

He smirked up at the ceiling. “Better than having a vertical state of being.”

“What is up?! I was trying to ask you ‘What is up?’. You humans—and human-like beings—are so difficult to connect with.” He was pouting, but at least he wasn’t leaking anymore. “I was going to bring my kazoo tonight, to groove with the younglings.” He spoke ‘younglings’ like it was a foreign word.

To be fair, Vanitas had never heard anyone refer to teenagers as younglings, but what the heck, to each their own.

“And… what was that supposed to accomplish? You have music-related powers or something?” Vanitas asked. It would explain the ridiculous amount of speakers he’d seen peppered around the lair.

“No! Of course not, that would be silly,” absolutely ignoring the fact that Ember (one of the attending villains)’s only power was music related. “I’ll have you know I’m a prodigy at the kazoo. I used to be in a band called the Blue Hellions!” The way he said that made Vanitas smirk.

“And were you the only member of this band?”

“No.” There was a guilty pause, giving away the villainous fib.

“Sure.” He snorted. Megamind sat up abruptly, and crossed his arms with a huff.

“Well, I’m sure we could have been great! Warden even came to see us! He said I was really good.”

“You can’t just use ‘us’ as a royal pronoun whenever you want.”

“Says you.” Megamind smirked. It was unfair; smirking was Vanitas’s thing. But with all these villains in one place, evil smirks didn’t have quite the same effect.

“Well we are getting tired of lying on the floor,” Vanitas said.

Megamind struggled upright, tripping over his cape—again. Vanitas held out his hand, and Megamind pulled him to his feet. They stood there for a moment.

“You know, you’re pretty alright for villain. I don’t get to be around them much anymore, what with the whole ‘redemption’ thing.” He put legitimate air quotes around the word, for some reason using three fingers on each hand instead of two. Vanitas raised an eyebrow.

“Redemption?” Megamind seemed sheepish.

“I’m not really a villain anymore, I just enjoy having these get togethers every once in a while.” He hesitated, glancing once at Vanitas before looking down at the ground. “It’s nice to pretend I have friends.”

Images of Ventus and his friends flashed traitorously through Vanitas’s mind. He wasn’t jealous of his lesser half—he didn’t need to be—but still…

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I bet it would be.”

It’s silent for a second.

“It can be, you know.”

Vanitas made a confused sound, but Megamind was still avoiding his eyes.

“You can… I mean, you’re welcome to come over.” He finally looked up. Hope was plain on his face. “Would you… want to be friends? I mean, conspirators.” He quickly corrected himself, and added pompously, “It wouldn’t do to be friends with a villain, of course.”

It wouldn’t do for a villain to have friends, either. But...

“Conspirators,” Vanitas tested the word. “I can work with that.”

He slurped the rest of his Capri Sun before they headed back into the convention.

If he felt a little better, well, he could blame it on the sugar.

-----------------------End-----------------------

Prompts for the Team Write below.

Setting:

Fighting over the last Capri Sun

Tali:

Vanitas

“Do you know what bananas are?”

Matsu:

Megamind

“I’ll have you know I’m a prodigy at the kazoo.”

Buzzword:

Hellion

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