#i've got this coming out and then the ed sheeran concert and then maybe a night vale live show?!

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here my friend, back after a couple of weeks visiting family and refereeing family drama (I love them but visits remind me why I physically live far away from them). Anyway I'm sorry your work is being super shitty and you have to walk a fine there right now, that sucks and I'm reviewing them poorly on your behalf 😤.

So instead of indulging in the salt this time I am here to get super excited with you over the upcoming RWRB movie!! After seeing the trailer I immediately went and read the book and I am now aggressively glaring at the calendar waiting for August 11th to fucking get here already. Its been too long since since we've gotten to flail about our blorbos on here and I am ready 🤩🤩🤩.

And do you know the best thing bestie?? There's no self-indulgent showrunner behind the scenes to force out-of-character narrative or unneeded and unwanted side characters on us because they think it makes good drama (okay maybe this will be mildly salty). The story is set, the director seems to excited about the chance to do the actual source material, and everything we've seen from clips looks on point. And its not that I don't enjoy the prospect of seeing a story unfold in new and unexpected ways that a good procedural can do, I love that anticipation and love it even more when it pays off well, but its been awhile since that's happened. It feels like all the shows we've indulged in have just disappointed and I'm so ready to have the story of my blorbos have a happy ending that makes some fucking sense for the characters, that's been built up to and not "earned" through pointless drama but through a real journey that shows the characters discovering the ending they deserved from the start.

So let's get excited about this!! And if we're going to be excited about this do you think we should be song level excited?? Let me know!

Hello my friend! I'm glad you had time to visit family, and then time to be away from family. I know that feeling for sure! Sorry I'm so late getting to this. Work is stressing me TF out, so to relax, I spent the weekend camping (RV-ing) which was nice but also did not involve a lot of good sleep (it's just...so hot. and some people like to play music until 2am). Then I nearly spent this evening on a 4 hour round trip to see my brand new nephew but that was blessedly cancelled so I have time to finish the last few rows of his baby blanket and also answer this ask before it somehow ends up being already Friday and time for RWRB!

I keep going back and forth because on the one hand, there are things from the book I know for sure have been cut and I'm going to miss (whyyyy was this not a 6-8 episode mini-series?!) or things that are going to play out differently than the book which is always a little sad when you're waiting to see how these actors deliver a particular scene only for it to never happen, or the scene to happen differently, or with different dialogue. On the other hand, everything, even if it's not exactly what I would have pictured, just looks SO good and SO funny and fun, and like it all has SO much heart and love and joy behind it. It's like...it's going to be different, but out of necessity for run time/rating, not because someone got tapped to make a story from source material they didn't particularly enjoy or respect and therefore don't really care how they butcher the source material to meet runtime, as long as the studio can make merch with pretty faces. (No, of course I haven't been burned multiple times by books I loved being turned into movies/shows by people who scorn the source material and the intended audience. Why would you think that? 🙃) So I think I can leave space to mourn the changes and missing characters (Cash my absolute beloved! The June/Alex sibling relationship forever relegated to my re-reads and my dreams, the fact that I've seen several mentions of "the/a sex scene" strongly implying we aren't getting as much spice as one would hope given the source material etc), while still being REALLY excited to see what we get and to enjoy a movie so clearly crafted with love and respect of the source material. It's going to be a wild ride of emotions for sure!

And bestie you are sooo right, that after a long string of disappointments, it's going to feel soooo good to win! (Also, the director going back and adding more f-bombs because he found out about the R rating is hilarious and I love him for it.) It's going to feel so good to not have everyone bending over backwards to push just enough subtext to keep people saying "surely this HAS to mean something!" and then turning around and telling fans they're seeing things and it doesn't mean anything. 🙄 (oops! My own salt slipped out there a bit 🤣) ALSO!! There is something that really stood out to me and it was one of they guys saying how great it was they were friends because it was important for the love to be "real". Which struck me because it was almost word-for-word what Vlamis and Tyler said about playing Malex, and the love between them needing to be real, and we all saw how that turned out! Chemistry wise, it's unmatched (even if the show squandered it at every turn) and it's getting me really excited to see how it translates to screen for Henry and Alex with TZP and NG working with the same theory of the love being real. I think they are going to blow everyone away and I can't wait to see it!

I ABSOLUTELY think we should do a song if you're so inspired and I will do my absolute best to respond before Friday and also convince my mom that we don't need to out of town to see the baby until Saturday morning so I can watch it as soon as I get off work Friday.

Cheers bestie! We finally have something to celebrate!

#my sweet nonnie friends #sleeping at last anon #red white and royal blue #rwrb #i've got this coming out and then the ed sheeran concert and then maybe a night vale live show?! #my life is suddenly full of things i love and enjoy that aren't causing me pain and heartache?! #seems fake but i am cautiously optimistic #also it could be the exercise and warm weather chasing away the depression soooo there's that #or the stress outweighs the depression for now? #either way #things are good but also very busy and i would like for maybe less things to happen every day so i can enjoy all these other good things! #always good to hear from you my friend! #i'm glad you liked the book and it's going to be so nice to flail together in joy! #i'm also actually finally reading another book instead of just fanfic because i have some brain space for once?! #go me!

[portraitandplaylist]

Side A: Will

What does music mean to you? How does it make you feel?

Music's such a big part of my life. It sounds weird, I kind of set myself milestones in my life to do with music. If I've ever got university assignments coming up or anything, I'll be like, "Once you've got this out of the way, you've got a gig coming up." It's how I kind of set myself goals - I know I've got a sick gig coming up. Music is just such a big part of it. I've played instruments in the past. I've played drums in the past and I'm always listening to it and yeah, I love it. My whole family is really into music as well. And it almost just feels like part of my DNA at this point, to be honest.

How big of a part does music play in your life and career?

It is just a big part of my life, but career - I've always thought about maybe doing something related to music, cause I'm a marketing student, so I've always thought it would be cool to do some kind of marketing, for like a music firm or something. Working in music would be nice, it's just so hard to reach that stage. But if I'm dreaming maybe I can get into music at some point or work in the music field. That would be pretty cool.

What's a song you know word for word, bar for bar?

I'm gonna have to probably say - when I was like 14, 15 years old, I used to listen to so much Logic back in the day, I can't say I listen to him much now, but I used to love Logic - I think it's, there's two songs by him I mainly know. It's either Fade Away off of The Incredible True Story or his song All I Do, which was I think only just added to Spotify recently, but that's a really good song. And I'd say still check that song out. That's a good song.

Do you collect vinyl? If so what do you enjoy about it? And if not, how come?

I collect a lot of vinyl. I think I've been collecting since I was 15 years old. So I think the first vinyl I ever got was actually from my parents. That's how I got into vinyl collecting. And I think it was the Coldplay album with - I dunno what album it was, but it had a music video of a bunch of monkeys dancing - I know it was that album, whatever that was. So I got that, that was my first ever vinyl. I think the next one was also from my parents and it was, Ed Sheeran - Divide as well, I think. But since then, over the last five years, I've kind of been building up my collection into genres I like a bit more, so I've been buying a lot of Hip Hop, a lot of R&B records. And I think my records [are] over like 70, 80 vinyls at this point. I love collecting vinyls and I think the reason why I do it as well is just it's I feel like vinyls are almost an experience. Anyone can just get their phone, slap on Spotify or Apple Music and just play music, but vinyls give you that authentic feel. I don't even know if it's the sound as such, it's just the whole process of getting the vinyl, flipping over to the B side. It's just a really cool experience and yeah, I'd recommend everyone get into vinyl collecting, to be honest.

Tell me about your favourite concert that you went to.

This is probably the hardest question yet. I haven't been to loads, but I've gone to a lot of my favorite artists now. So I've seen Slowthai a few times. I've seen Loyle Carner a few times, Cavetown, Rex Orange County a few times, but I think gig that really, really blew me away was seeing Childish Gambino, at The O2 in London, it's just unbeatable. I idolize Donald Glover so much and to see him live - admittedly I wasn't the standing, I was sat down, but even still, that gig was that gig was incredible. He's such an icon. And I would do anything to watch that again.

Your favourite lyric?

This isn't gonna be the conventional answer for "favorite lyric." I'm really weird, how my brain processes lyrics and music. I don't remember lyrics. Other than, like I said, a few songs if I listen to [it] a hundred times, but I know some people listen to songs like three times and pick up on it instantly, my mind just doesn't work like that. And I think it's 'cause I was a drummer in the past, whenever I listen to music, I always listen to the beat of the music. So I always hear the drums, maybe the snares, the bass drum or the toms and stuff. My mind just subconsciously automatically goes to the drums itself. I just don't really pick up lyrics. I honestly just, can't say I have one off the top of my head to choose from.

Give me the name of a playlist you made with no context.

hotboysummer

What are your desert island disc albums?

So if I had to pick three albums, I'm trying to think the first would Not Waving But Drowning by Loyle Carner. Second would probably be Because the Internet by Childish Gambino. And I reckon the third would be - I listen to a lot of indie, bedroom pop. So probably Sleepyhead by Cavetown for the third one.

Tell me about music your parents played while you were growing up.

So both my parents, they used to love the movie Amelie which is a French film that I'd highly recommend. My mum in her car, I remember she always used to play the CD of the Amelie soundtrack. I'd probably say that was kind of what I'm used to. My dad used to play a lot of James Blunt back in the day, so maybe one of the older James Blunt albums as well.

Briefly talk me through the songs you put in this playlist, what do they mean to you.

When I was compiling the playlist and the songs, I kind of wanted a bit of everything. I listen to a lot of bedroom pop and stuff, that's the kind of music I listen to when I want to chill. Then I have bunch of rap on there. I kind of just picked stuff that was from when I was growing up, like the main artists I used to listen to. I used to listen to so much EDEN in the past. More recently in the last year, since the Pony era, I've been listening to Rex a lot more. Loyle Carner - I'm a huge, huge fan of who I've seen at Glastonbury a few times. I just picked out a bunch of artists that just mean a lot to me personally. So I've met Loyle Carner in person before. He was absolutely amazing, he's such a nice guy. I met Rex the other week at his London popup show. Then I guess the one other that wasn't like normal music was One Summer's Day which is, I can't remember the composer - Joe Hisaishi, I think, for Spirited Away, but Spirted Away was such a big part of my childhood, so that album, all the music, just means a lot to me. It tears me up whenever I listen to it, 'cause I love that movie so much. But yeah, like I said, I just picked a bunch of songs that I loved, from artists I've loved throughout the years. That's the gist of it.

Watch Will's interview below on TikTok.

#portrait #playlist #music #interview #rap #bedroom pop #loyle carner #photography #lyrics #portrait photography #35mm

[through-the-untempered-schism]

Dear Taylor

Dear Taylor:

I'm so sorry that you had to watch a lot of us suffer trying (and mostly failing) to get tickets, unable to do anything to stop it and make it better. Truly. But 2.4 million FANS did not get tickets. You're a smart, talented business woman who loves us, and we wouldn't be selling such a high volume of tickets on the secondary market ALREADY at such a huge mark-up. If you don't know yet, I'm sure you'll know soon, TM works with scalpers, goes to their conferences, and works real hard to get them tickets because that's how TM makes money - off their resale fees (which are percentage based, so higher resale = higher cut). And I hate to say this, really truly because I've been with you since the beginning, gone to Target when my store did a midnight release (time, not the album), purchased music videos on iTunes (I feel old), filled notebooks with decoded lyrics...you know, nothing special, just the normal fan things that unite all of us. But because I've been around so long and admired you as an artist and business woman, I find it really hard to believe that you didn’t know TM operated like this. That you didn’t know other, smaller artists (and big ones) have limited resell prices to face value. But if you didn’t, then I guess you didn’t. 

Going forward though, maybe you can change that. Maybe you can somehow be a part of a movement that works to eliminate some of the predatory means that TM uses to make money. You’ve done it before when people thought it couldn’t be done. You’ve gone toe to toe with some of the biggest names in the industry and come out on top. We’ve cheered you on every time. I want to keep cheering you on as you do it again and again. Here are just a few things you could maybe think about in terms of TM:

Unlimited accounts. TM has been caught saying to scalpers that they have no desire to limit the number of accounts they have.

No identification on the resale market. The process is anonymous,  allowing scalpers to sell numerous tickets to their name without buyers knowing they’re selling numerous other tickets. Making sure that accounts are tied to real ID’s and that people can’t have multiple of them would eliminate people trying to get around non-anonymous sales by making different accounts with different names.

Dynamic/Platinum pricing. I’m sure you’ve already heard of this. It was announced for Ed Sheeran that he was turning it off for his concert. We didn’t get that announcement. Fans reported ticket prices changing as they added them to their account, lost it from site glitches, then tried adding it again.

There’s also a rumor (I have literally no evidence for this beyond anecdotal from being on the discord servers, reddit, and twitter two days in a row) that not only did the boosts we received do nothing, they might’ve even ‘boosted’ us to the back of the line. Even though the queue ticker doesn’t show you your exact place in line above 2,000 people in front of you, there’s a way to go into the source code of the page and see your exact place. Many boosted people were somewhere from 15,000-25,000 in line. Non-boosted might’ve been closer. Not a universal experience, but enough to show that they truly were worthless, if not outright hurtful.

Another thing to consider - a lot of us didn’t appreciate how VIP packages were tied to specificrandomseats. I don’t have any objection to a lot of front row stage/lower bowl seats being VIP (though I think it would be nice to have some that aren’t to allow fans with less economical means but equally dedicated to have that experience). But it was insulting and a hard pill to swallow when seats 4-19 rows back in all tiers (lower and way up high bowls) were also marked up by hundreds of dollars because they were VIP. And by the time most of us got in, that’s all that was left (until even those were gone). 

No matter what, I’ll always be in your corner rooting for you to succeed and celebrating when you do. I can also make space for the fact that a failure occurred here, likely intentionally on TM’s part, and at least with culpable ignorance on yours. That doesn’t erode my faith that you’ll still try to do something to make this right. I believe you still have that power. When you lost the opportunity to buy your masters, you mourned, but you also found a solution in re-recording your albums that’s turned into being the most amazing gift for us (and hopefully you as well). You’ve gone to court to fight harassment for one dollar to show that it’s the behavior, not the money that matters. You’ve dropped albums without telling your record company until the last hour in order to deliver your vision of a finished product. You went to war with Apple Music and won. And if you really can’t do anything in this situation, if you’re bound by some ironclad contract that you regret signing now, then I hope you can at least acknowledge why a lot of us are still feeling so duped after this statement that fails to lay out any precautionary measures you could’ve taken, a claim that 2.4 million fans have tickets, and no plan or intention to try rectifying this somehow. Or even a proclamation that you wish you could, but your hands are tied for reasons you cannot disclose. Honor us and our intelligence and our dedication to you, that we will stand with you through the good and bad, the tribulations and [Roman] triumphs. We’re all human, none of us are perfect, we all mess up. That’s okay. Just please don’t leave us drowning in the pouring rain <3

#taylor swift #tour #the eras tour #eras tour #taylor swift tour #ticketmaster #taylor nation #fan response #love you forever and always but for realsie #she probably won't ever see this but writing is cathartic #tswizzles

[stateofgrace1303]

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)

#taylurking #taylorswift #taylorstans #taylornation #red #redtour #edsheeran #lymedisease #dysautonomia #taylorlurking #i love you taylor #tay #usertaylornotices #tswift

[mymusicalitylove]

Dive

In my feels. Trying to be productive and direct them in a positive way.

The other night I feel like I broke because the latest disappointment (that I created for myself), came to the surface. I took a hot shower, cried and told myself to let it all go. Hardest I have cried in a long time because I replayed a lot of scenarios about this endless loop I seem to be stuck in: I give up on this notion called ‘love’, discard it and begin to focus elsewhere.. then along comes another unsuspecting fool that says all the right things to get me twitterpated and caught up in the fantasies my brain creates. I get sucked in and think, ok, maybe this will go somewhere.. just to BAM! Slam my face into a wall of unending disappointment. Wash, rinse, repeat. It feels as though this scene has been on replay about eleventeen times over these last few years, and all I can say is: How. Fucking. Stupid (Who is the REAL fool? Ya, that’s me).

I went to bed after my therapeutic shower and slept ok, but kept waking up. I finally decided to get up and be productive, and had Ed Sheeran’s “Dive” stuck in my head. Hadn’t heard it in a while so I’m not sure where it came from, but it stayed with me the entire morning. 

My entries on this thing almost always relate to music and how the lyrics relate to my life. I’ve saved some drafts with songs I’ve wanted to write about later. When I realized I wasn’t going back to sleep, I decided to write; I checked my drafts and whoa.. “Dive” was already on there.. I don’t even remember saving it. 

(Despite there being a few too many typos for my taste in this post above, I feel it, Rising Woman!)

September 2019 is the most notable time I can remember starting the self-destructive cycle. My boss left at work and I decided I needed to do something to change my life up. I put all my energy into planning my amazing sabbatical in Italy. Everything was set up; all the wheels were in motion for me to see Europe, do me selfishly, and not worry about shit! In my mind I put together plans of sightseeing, concerts, volunteering, gymming, wandering, and getting lost in the country I fell in love with a year prior.

In October on a night out with friends, I met an EMT at a bar. He worked his bullshit game, and did it well because he was intriguing. He made me feel good over a two hour convo that honestly felt like a first date, and convinced me to give him the digits (which I don’t freely give to strangers). Too bad the man never called. Womp, womp.

After a taste of those vibes I craved that “feeling” again. I tried a dating app again for a couple months. In a comical turn of events, said dating app matched me with this same EMT! This presented me with the opportunity to call his ass out, and incidentally feel validated as to why it actually was better he never called. Talked to a few other guys on the app, but really can only report on a couple stupid funny anecdotes of just how sad it is that guys don’t know how to talk to women anymore. At least this time I wasn’t taking it seriously and only did it for shits and giggles. Decided okay, just keep focusing on plans for Italy, stacking that paper, and looking forward to the new year (*point and laugh at the idiot who had no idea what 2020 had in store!*). 

In January a boy (with a girlfriend) who I’d had innocent flirtation vibes with for a while tells me he’s now single. I had already placed him in the “not gonna happen” folder, and his confession obviously began a different wave of chemistry and banter for months. We had a conversation about the reality of where I am/what I’m ready for, and where he’s at/what he’s not ready for. Oh, and in the midst of all this, Covid hits and I have to make the heartbreaking decision to cancel Italy and deal with the feels of defeat that followed. And let’s also add all the sadness of being stuck with only me, myself and my thoughts in quarantine.

One last convo in April with “previously not gonna happen” sealed the deal of this endless string of flirtation not going anywhere and back in that folder he went. I then decided to give my number to this other guy who had shown interest a while back (but I hadn’t paid him any mind cuz I was stuck on folder guy). New dude didn’t really engage, so I disregarded him again, and worked on rearranging my place, organizing, decorating, spring cleaning and purging. Fast forward to now, it’s June and new dude comes back to work, asks to hang out, we have a great first “date” lasting three hours, and now here I am less than two weeks later wondering what happened. New dude: MIA / Me: WTF?

I truly do not understand why this cycle continues. Each time I feel like I get closer to something real, just to be lead into feeling like a fucking moron. I can’t stand it anymore, and it honestly makes me want to go back to being guarded and jaded, but I know that’s not the right way to find anyone. So I open up and allow some level of vulnerability, even though I’m scared af cuz of how hard I fell five years ago with the man I thought I was going to marry.

This is gonna hurt, but I blame myself first

'Cause I ignored the truth

Drunk off that love, my head up

There's no forgetting you

You've awoken me, but you're choking me

I was so obsessed

It was a matter of time

But you are the fire, I'm gasoline

Gave you all of me, and now honestly, I got nothing left

'Cause I loved you dangerously

More than the air that I breathe

Knew we would crash at the speed that we were going

Didn't care if the explosion ruined me

Baby, I loved you dangerously

I learned a lot from that short but impactful relationship. It was the love of my life and I went into it with complete abandon. I loved him dangerously. Things felt “right” and escalated quickly, which lead to our demise because we did not explore all the things before going full force into a relationship. We mutually thought this was “it” and talked about the future we would have. It completely broke me to end things, and upon rebuilding the pieces of me, I promised myself I would never rush into things like that again. 

I know that I do it to myself, but I guess I don’t know how else to do it. If I’m closed off and guarded, I’m not welcoming anything in; if I’m open and vulnerable, I start to dream in fantasyland with expectations just to be let down and end up inevitably disappointed. I clearly don’t know how to find the balance that works and it has become maddening beyond words. 

I need to find that balance, and it would be a lot easier to find in non-Covid times where I could have something else to focus my precious energy on, rather than wanting to find “my person”.

Maybe I came on too strong

Maybe I waited too long

Maybe I played my cards wrong

Oh, just a little bit wrong

Baby I apologize for it

I could fall or I could fly here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

And I've been known to give my all

And jumping in harder than ten thousand rocks on the lake

So don't call me baby unless you mean it

Don't tell me you need me if you don't believe it

So let me know the truth

Before I dive right into you

And I've been known to give my all

And lie awake, everyday don't know how much I can take

I could fall, or I could fly here in your aeroplane

And I could live, I could die

Hanging on the words you say

And I've been known to give my all

Sitting back, looking at every mess that I made

This new dude made me really feel this. I tend to fall, and fall hard because I am so ready to give my heart to someone. But I need to put on the brakes and slow my damn roll. 

I can’t keep getting my hopes up. That is ultimately my problem. I tell myself to not have expectations and I do well to begin with, then have an amazing connection and am fed (what is obviously) bullshit and fall for it like a moron. I have grown thicker skin this time around, so at least there’s that.. but hopefully this has been my last lesson. 

I have found a new diversion for my focus and just put in my first offer for a new home! This will be my new passion project and will take up my thoughts and energies for a while, so as freaked tfo as I am, I am equally excited for this new venture. If it’s meant to be, it will be, and if it’s not, my new little home is out there somewhere not ready for me yet. 

06/19/2020 - 11:51 PM