#idk. this warped sense of self wont go anywhere anytime soon.

[pizzapizzadickz]

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#huh. i dont think this person would want me to do this #diary #personal #disordered eating #hahahahaha. the more they talk about food the more it makes me want to starve myself. #hahaha. how fucked up is that lmao. #self harm #i mean not really but sorta so close enough ig? #i honestly wonder why i love hurting myself so much sometimes. hahaha. what wire in my brain fell loose? #hm. seriously though. i have no especially strong desire to prevent harm coming to me #in fact i often try to recreate it. or even seek it out to some extent. #like. i dont cross a line. but beyond that i sorta just see it all as fair game. #hm. and really the thing is i dont especially care if people tell me no. hm. sometimes i wont if i think to myself #and i quote . #...but that being said. sometimes i think the people around me dont especially care? all in all it doesnt affect them ig. #so i dont really have anyone to stop this self abuse from taking place. not that anyone but me can put an end to it. #i usually stop when i have something to work towards or for. but if i see no means to do so i give up. #i think thats why ive given up lately. like. i may as well do as i please if i cant do anything right anymore. haha. #idk. this warped sense of self wont go anywhere anytime soon. #im not sure if i really hate myself so much as i just dont especially care. #drugs tw #im fine with spending my days in a drug fueled haze. if thats what i really want. #i dont quite get others and thwir conerns for that. if you're hurting no one else who cares what you do to yourself? #idk. i think im a bit broken somehow. my mind sure as hell doesnt work the same as anyone else. #either way i wont regret no more. im making my own decisions. im making my own grave and ill lay on it. . #i really dont especially care. in the end all i need is right here hahaha. #ha. god something really is wrong with me. oh well.

[sos-amchespin-sendhelp]

SOS CQ DE 40.4166N; 3.7038W? = CQ PLS

SRY FOR BEING A DEBBIE DOWNER BUT THEY SAY VENTING IS HEALTHY SO

IDK WHY IM SO PRONE TO LONG WINDED DIRE WARNINGS

MAYBE BECSE I NEED AT LEAST SOME SENSE OF CONTROL

LIKE IM ACTUALLY DOING SOME GOOD BY BEING ALIVE AND HERE; A NET BENEFIT

BECSE IF I WAS A HORRIBLE PERSON BEFORE MEMORY LOSS; THEN THAT DOESNT ERASE ANYTHING

I FEEL LIKE A REAL MOTHER IN LAW KIND OF PERSON SOMETIMES

SO THE PHOTOGRAPHS I WANTED TO SHOW YOU ARENT COMING THROUGH; SIGNAL NOT STRONG ENOUGH

WANTED TO SHOW YOU THINGS; HAD A WHOLE PHOTO SERIES PLANNED; BUT WHAT NOW?

I WANT TO BE A GOOD PERSON TO SOMEONE; THEN ID BE A NET BENEFIT AND NOT SOME ASSWIPE WITH A KARMIC CLEAN SLATE. I WANT TO GO HOME; BUT I DONT REMEMBER ENOUGH ABOUT HOME TO MISS IT WHICH IS FUCKED UP

AND EVEN IF MY FRIENDS AND LIFEBLOOD ARE HERE THIS WORLD WILL NEVER BE HOME EITHER

ALGERNON IS A STUPID ASS NAME

GOING TO ZERO ISLE ON SOME FLIPPIN CARAVAN IS A BUST; THERE WAS NEVER GOING TO BE ANYTHING HERE FOR ME BESIDES THIS PHONE

AND EVEN IF THERE IS SOMETHING TO THIS CANDLEWICK PHANTOM CRYPTID; THEN I GUESS ITS MYTHOS WONT UNRAVEL ANYTIME SOON

SO THE ONLY POWER I REALLY HAVE IS TO SCROLL TUMBLR

(K SO I SUPPOSE THERE IS ONE THING I HAVENT TRIED YET BUT)

THIS BLOG WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN SOS

ASK ME ANYTHING; IM A CHESPIN; SEND HELP.

---

Auburn was only pretending to sleep, as he often did. He could hear the tell-tale tip tap as Algernon pecked away at the cracked phone screen with a stylus. It — this blog and its contents — was an unhealthy coping mechanism and everyone knew it, but Auburn supposed he shouldn't be one to judge. And if the mechanism was clearly working, then whose to say it was ultimately unhealthy? (The important thing to know about Auburn is that he is very good at convincing himself of things.) Leland had taken first watch tonight, as the Oshawott was most attuned to the weave of Zero Island Center and could give warning if, say, the floor warped back on itself and crushed them, or some dungeon-construct Pokémon somewhere activated a trap and everyone began turning into food, or if the sky simply started to fall as though the world was hollow and you could touch the sky. To make camp in a mystery dungeon was to court the unfathomable. Woe to those who rested too long. Yes, given Leland sprang from that same clade of unfathomable, she was a shoe-in for first watch. The Pikachu found he was proud like a brother would be at what she'd grown into. (Neither of them talked about the early days anymore when Leland would scream about relatives who didn't exist, and sometimes the two would start hitting each other because they had no other way of laying themselves bare without speaking and shattering the fragile dichotomy they had built, and so one day she heads out to at least buy a punching bag and comes back after several days with a Chespin.) Grovyle, on his part, was snoring like a log. Imputent snot, Auburn wryly added to himself, as another self-induced distraction tactic. His sleep-drifting thoughts kept sailing back to the Algernon Quandry, and then the captain of his ship yelled "No! Port anywhere but there!" and so the ship of Auburn's mind reversed course, and the dungeons out at sea set them to a random heading and they sailed into the eldritch dawn, and soon Auburn was no longer pretending to sleep. "Why, where are you off to, Ratty?" asked the Drilbur in great surprise, grasping him by the arm. "Going South, with the rest of them," murmured the Pikachu in a dreamy monotone, never looking at him. "Seawards first and then on shipboard, and so to the shores that are calling me!"

#pkmn rp #pokemon #pkmn irl #pokemon irl #mystery dungeon #pokémon mystery dungeon #pmd #snapshots from zero island center #cryptid #grovyle #candlewick phantom #morse code #ask blog #pokeblogging #pokeblog rp #introductory post #prose #the wind in the willows