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starvi-boi · 28 days

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yall asked me how i did it so here we go:

first of all, if you dont struggle with an ed or are in recovery than dont interact or read this. i am pro recovery for everyone except myself. stay safe everyone!!

my situation:

im 167 cm tall

i started at 67.7kgs and now im 43kgs, (bmi 24.3 -> 15.4)

i live with my parents and they after two months noticed and now they watch what i eat

it took me around 5 months but during 2 of them i was just maintaining because of miscalculations and binges

1) meals:

i do omads, its really effective, keep it around 350 - 900 cals a day, i used to fast for few days every now and then but omads work wonders

heres how my week looks:

mon: 400-700

tue: 400-800

wen: 400-600

thu: 350-650

fri: 400-800

sat: 900-1200

sun: 850-1250

omading dinner works quite well and so does omading breakfast, but i prefer dinners, i can keep my morning skinny all day and i dont have to walk outside being bloated af

2) exercise:

i do around 5 hours climbing a week, after 3 months i added a 20 minute workout every day that i dont climb, also sometimes i spent whole days climbing on rocks outside

i also have 2 hours of pe a week

i try to get at least 5k steps, mostly i get around 6k a day

im not a try hard in exercise, sometimes i go inline skating but its for fun

i dont distract burnt cals from the days total. i dont.

3) pürging:

i used to pürge anything that was over 500 cals, but it was useless, dont do it, its not helping, i did this only the first 2 months because of guilt

4) binging:

before i began eating less, i used to binge like 4 times a week (around 4k cals), it used to be my coping mechanism

at first i didnt binge at all, i didnt eat because of guilt, i hated food

lately ive been binging on low-cal stuff which is bad, but at least its not as high cal (i actually crave low-cal things), but now i tell myself this: 'enjoy the emptiness, nothing can fill in the void inside, especially not food' and it has helped a lot

but im not rlly sure what to do about it- it just sometimes happens

5) weight ins:

i do them everyday in the evening before dinner, i dont drink water during the day (dont do this, i forget to drink and am used to that, stay hydrated), which makes me not want to eat because id gain the food and water weight, if i knew i was having two meals id weight in in the morning

6) metab days:

since i live with my parents who now check on me, i do them on weekends - both days, i mostly binge on those days (sometimes even 3k cals) lol

i aim for 900-1100 cals on them because on other days i try to restrict as much as possible and my bmr is around 1200

even though they seem scary, theyre very much needed!!

7) rituals:

i dont snack, only gum - it works amazing (i go through like 30 a day :'))

i always plan my cals for the day in the morning and always add in the food before eating it

i spend a lot of time on edblr and edtwt and edtt, motivating

i always have an emergency snack on me and water, im allowed to eat it if im too dizzy or too weak

8) my tips:

never eat alone. never.

eat only at the table - it makes it really annoying to sit there while eating which makes me not wanna eat

romanticize hunger (not the best but ykyk), be a good ana, be pure, be pretty

wear layers, youre gonna be freezing all the time

vaping/smoking can help if youre already into it, dont start with it just because i said it might work

be patient.

skip any meal you can, fake eating, empty packages, hiding food in clothes, taking in to your room, dirty plates, sitting and staring at an empty cup licking the clean spoon over and over as if the cup was full so you seem like youre eating... anything

dont obsess over food, obsess over being skinny and over fasting!!

dont eat more than 2 meals a day

prepare your own food so you can calculate it right

high volume low cal stuff and high protein stuff are your new best friends (lettuce, peppers, cucumbers, pickles, rice cakes, tomatoes, melons, coldfish, chicken breasts, cottage cheese)

warm water fills you up, so does coffee and tea

be nice to yourself, reward yourself when you do good, make it a game - points for being good -> rewards you can buy with your points, when you mess up you have to extract few points

take it slow, one day at a time or one week at a time, you have plenty of time, messing up is okay (one binge doesnt make you fat just as one fast doesnt make you skinny, but doing it repeatedly will)

if youre getting weak -> increase your cals, its better to get your energy back but maintain for few weeks than it is to be weak and passing out

9) do what works for you

i cant do longer fasts because of my family, just because this worked for me doesnt mean its gonna work for you, find what you can do and stick with it

i really suck at portion control so i omad, its way easier for me to not eat than to eat small amounts through out the day

thats it for now!! thanks for reading, if i think of something more ill write it down!!

#i will be a skeleton #i will be weightless #i will reach my ugw #edmeme #i hate calories #starv3 #unhealthy weight loss #lose weight fast #anatips #ana #tw ana trigger #tw ana diary #ana advice #ana tips #unhealthy diet

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oneshlut · 6 months

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Hello!!!! Love your writing!!!! May i request a platonic Sun and Moon (or eclipse its up to you!) With a favorite child reader? I just think that would be adorable!!!

P.s. i LOVE your writing!!!! And your headcanons!!! Dont overwork yourself!!!! Keep being cool/pos!!!!!!!!

A/N: UGHHH you guys are SO SWEET!!! pls stop im gonna IMPLODE /j tyty for all the kind words, also i really needed some1 to tell me not to overwork myself lmaoao, ive been getting so many requests lately.. promise i'll get to all of y'all! OHOH AND I LOVE WRITING FOR THESE THREE! and child readers for them, especially!

(since im feeling extra silly i'll give you a fanfic recommendation: New Consciousness! i think it can be found on tumblr too.. its a yandere sun/moon fic&child reader, one of my favs and greatest inspo!)

Your Best Friend (Sun/Moon/Eclipse & Child!Reader) [Headcanons]

Rules For Requesting

Characters I Will Write For

Masterlist

Summary: General meeting, friendship, and attachment headcanons for The Daycare Attendant with a child reader.

Extra Info: Sun and Moon share bodies, just like in the game. If I mention them talking to each other, they're talking with their shared consciousness.

Sun:

Sun can usually tell when someone new joins the daycare. If he doesn't hear the obvious audio clue of the ballpit, he'll have a sensor that will go off so that he's notified. Every time Sun gets a notification, you can almost see his built-in smile grow wider. A new friend!

As a child new to the Pizzaplex, entering the daycare for the first time was terrifying. I don't think the current horrible reputation on the Fazbear company helped one bit. The animatronics were definitely scary, you didn't need to know that there was a chance you could go missing because of them.

But the daycare had attendants, so that calmed your nerves. Slightly. Until you realized, they too were animatronics. The statue in the entrance of the daycare was massive compared to you. You suddenly wished that you hadn't accepted that birthday invitation.

Sun immediately goes in to meet you! He's practically radiating happiness onto you, skipping to where you were. He's definitely very intense when first meeting you, waving to you like a maniac. You eventually find yourself getting used to his upbeat energy, agreeing to do most activities with him that he brings up. This includes making macaroni art, crudely put-together paper pals, and a few drawings that he's sure to hang up in his room afterwards.

The security officers seem to catch on over the next few weeks how Sun has grown attached to one child. It pretty much went against his code, as he was supposed to be keeping a watchful eye over all the kids, not just one. But the officers at Freddy's get paid minimum wage, so they don't really care about the two of you unless they've got a lawsuit on their hands.

If you were ever feeling down, he'd immediately try to cheer you up. He will spend the entire day with you if he needs to! He may be intense, clingy, and won't let you out of his sight for a mere 2 seconds, but he's got good intentions. Sun hates seing children sad, and the one thing he knew how to do best was cheer them up. Whether this be silly faces, drawings, or hide n' seek, he always had something new to distract you from the little raincloud utop your head. However, Sun knows he can be a bit chaotic at times. If you want him to, he'll give you space. Sometimes, kids just need calm, and that was definitely not his strong suit.

Sun tries not to have "favorite" children, but he couldn't deny he was growing a bit attached. You were enjoying his company anyway, so why should he have to stop? You seemed much less nervous around him aswell, so as far as he knew, he was doing the right thing. A new term had suddenly seemed to form in his memory bank: "best friend".

Moon:

Now, Moon definitely caught you off guard. You had grown so used to Sun's warm, exatatic nature, that when the atmosphere to the daycare had a sudden chill, yet calming feel to it, you immediately thought something was wrong.

Given this, you met Moon when, apparently, Sun was going under.. technical support of some kind. You didn't know the full extent to the details, but what you did know was that Sun was gone, and in replacement, Moon took over both the day and night shifts. You watched as the kids in the daycare scrambled around, some trying to hide, and some just trying to get all their energy out before Moon came out for the night shift. You had intended to just stay away from him in a random corner, since most kids seemed afraid of him, but with the "night" shift coming up, you really had no way to avoid him.

Moon wasn't in the mood for hide n' seek. Not like Sun usually was. He recognized that he had a job to do, so if anything, he'd get it done. He did enjoy working for kids--it was in his code, after all--but this didn't distract him from his work. As most children were, you were scared of him at first. Moon normally just forced the kid to go to bed, either with a Moondrop candy, or tame threats like time-out. But you seemed.. different. He didn't want to be seen as mean, not to you. Instead, he tried to gain your trust by telling you that he was friends with Sun, assuming you were more favorable towards Sun.. again, as most kids were. Surprisingly, he was right to assume.

You, on the other hand, were thrown completely off guard. For the most part, you had thought Moon was this mean, strict, and harsh version of Sun--as you've heard from other children. But instead, you found him to be much more calming, if anything. Maybe the kids just hated having to tone down their energy, that when someone forced them to, they grew naturally afraid of them. That was your reasoning, anyway.

Unlike Sun, Moon is more of a "denier" than anything. He had things to do, and didn't need things getting in the way. But you were different. You weren't a distraction--no, far from it. He wouldn't admit it, but as Sun did, he grew attached. Out of all the kids he's taken care of during his career, you were definitely the calmest. Your presence is.. nice.

If you're going to anyone for comfort, it's Moon. This is if Sun didn't manage to cheer you up previously. Moon's version of comfort was more of quiet, small ambiance, plushies, blankets, and pillows. Sometimes storytimes! That's one method the two had in common. So if you ever have trouble sleeping when nap time comes around, Moon may or may not give you special treatment to ensure you sleep soundly. This means absolutely everything I just listed above for comfort.

He soon discovered what it was like to spend the whole day with you. He'd now ask Sun every now and then if he could take over the day shift for him. At first Sun denied, that would mean less time with you! But, if he made it equal..

Sun made a somewhat "deal" with Moon, where they would now just take days instead of shifts. This.. didn't look good to the staff, though. Instead of making them go back to their shifts, though, they would make sure they both got what they wanted. And in the staff's eyes, what the shared animatronic wanted was to each have both shifts. Not too far off.

Eclipse:

A day passed one day, where neither Sun or Moon was watching over the daycare. In replacement were just the.. extremely creepy staff bots. You began to grow worried--if he'd ever come back again. Luckily, you only had to wait a day.

The day he came back, the animatronic was.. new. Different. You tried to listen in on the clumps of children's conversations--listening until the words blended together to form the name "Eclipse". The name definitely made sense for their character.

To say you were ecstatic would be an understatement. You were practically as happy as Sun was when he first met you! Eclipse was everything you could ever want--it was both of your best friends put into one personality, one animatronic. But if anyone was more excited than you, it would be Eclipse himself. One thing that was different now was his ability to tone his excitement and clinginess down. With the two brought together, their personality fell on a balance.

Meeting you was much less of a shock for him as it was for you. You liked the new look, though. As soon as Eclipse caught your eye, he immediately skipped over to squeeze you in a tight hug. Don't worry, he tried not to squeeze too hard. Even if you were confused at first, you warmed up to him quickly. You noted his voice as he spoke to you for the first time. Not too frantic like Sun's, yet not too quiet like Moon's. Something about it was.. comforting. Which leads me to my next topic.

Eclipse is the best source of comfort you can get. He can most likely tell if you're having a bad day. If you ever feel overwhelmed/overstimulated at the daycare, he'll take you to his room for the first time. If he's being honest, he's never really shown anyone his room before--until now, that is. You immediately fell in love with the room! You would ask to go there more often, and on some days, stay in there the entire day. Eclipse didn't mind, though! Anything to cheer you up, after all.

Eventually, your birthday will come around, in which Eclipse goes all out. He didn't truly expect you to visit the daycare on your birthday--he had figured you'd like to see the Glamrocks instead, but no! Eclipse was honestly so honored that you'd want to spend your birthday with him of all animatronics. With this in mind, he tries to make today the best day of your life! The best day for you in the daycare, at that. He won't go too overboard, but he will spend all his time having fun with you. Eclipse would schedule activities to do, such as macaroni pictures, creating puppets to be used in future puppet shows, and if he's feeling nice enough, he'll sneak in some FizzyFaz into the daycare. When the day starts to near an end, he'll take you backstage to his room, where he has fully decorated the small spot with birthday balloons, banners, strings, and small gifts scattered across the floor. In the center was a.. poorly made cake. Eclipse was only an animatronic after all, his coding didn't have any baking intelligence in his mainframe. It was the thought that counted.

Going home afterwards was definitely a challenge, though. You were practically dragged away from the daycare, and Eclipse had never felt more flattered. On your drive back, you had discovered that you had a new best friend. Animatronic or not.

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chlorinecake · 5 months

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I just saw what that anon said and I can really really relate I feel like there's no way I can like them cuz I'm black I feel like. Weird for having a crush on Ni-ki cuz I'm black and even though I know there's no chance anyway cause he probably doesn't date fans obviously lol It makes me ashamed especially because people are always saying "what if / he probably doesn't like black girls/people" and it makes me feel like I'm less beautiful because I'm black and even if he did date fans I mean I'm like SOOOO ugly like atrocious but it makes me feel like even if I was a little bit more pretty he wouldn't like me or would dismiss me cause I'm black or like I wouldn't be good enough or he'd be disgusted or disappointed or weirded out because I'm black and a fan /has a crush on him and besides him it makes me feel like enhypen wouldn't talk to me or treat me the same cuz I'm not Asian or white like I couldn't be a fan or wouldn't be as important or pretty or cool or even just they wouldnt want me as a fan or like me or even look my way cause im black its gotten so bad that people dont evn have to say that anymore (they do but they dont have too) for me to think that way. Like I know we all saw that pretty engene video with that girl with the glasses and i couldn't help but make it about race like thinking would they look at me like that or would I be ugly abd weird cause I'm black ? Or if she was black would they still think she's pretty? Or would they even put the camera on her if she was black ? Anyway I'm rambling but being black is something I struggle with even without people saying the group I like or the guy I have a crush on (Niki obviously) wouldn't like me or would hate me for being black . Or they would be uncomfortable or disgusted with me because I'm black so it's just hard to even see myself meeting them or *even to imagine myself in reader fanfics even if the reader's supposed to be black because I've convinced myself that the only way I'd be pretty or attractive or they'd be friends withe or date me in Ni-kis case is if I was white or Asian* (*just talking about from a fanfic standpoint for this one* but yeah) but yeah it sucks and

Okay, I REFUSE to sit here and let you talk down on yourself like that. I don’t care how true you may think it is, YOU ARE NOT UGLY, Mirah ~ You’re beautiful, from head to toe, melanated skin, curly hair and all. Black women are beautiful, it’s disgusting to me how society has brought some of us to a point where we feel insecure, undesirable, or unworthy of affection from others. My words might not do much to encourage you, because finding confidence (esp as a black girl) takes time. But I really urge you to understand that you can’t expect other ppl to accept you when you don’t even accept yourself. Wish I could give you the BIGGEST hug rn, bc this actually hurts to read :(

Another point, I’ve seen plenty videos of Enhypen (along with other kpop groups) connecting with colored fans in the same way they do with their supporters of a fairer complexion, but I won’t share any of those videos here bc I don’t want you to seek “proof” as a way for you to feel better abt yourself.

On the flip side, let’s say that some ppl in the kpop industry DO have a prejudice (which I’m sure some do): your life and happiness isn’t dependent on their validation.

Let’s not even get started on how a lot of Ni-Ki’s favorite artists are black (Riki Jackson ? Bro would’ve never called himself that if he was racist)… but anyway, colored people like any other group of individuals can b really amazing once they get past their insecurities and embrace the way God made them. Jst know that u can always come to be if your struggling with something or just want to vent <3

#[🐮] moots ~#🍓. talks <3 #niki x black reader #enhypen x black reader

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ganondoodle · 5 days

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I just wanna say firstly that i adore your artwork and takes6on Zelda in general! Secondly, much as I wish you never had to deal with the frustrations of creating (especially when you tack on the stress of being on any kind of social platform), I'm glad you talk about your struggle. I've heard people talk about art block every day since I learned what Art was, but nobody ever mentioned "painting oneself into a corner". It's such an apt description that is so infuriatingly relatable that I had to stop eating to thank you for putting it into words. I really appreciate that you're willing to talk about your setbacks in a place like Tumblr, and still share your arts and thoughts. All the best from US of hellscape A, i hope you're doing well.

Thank you!

i used to call it artblock as well, its the most normalized term i guess; i randomly started calling it painting myself into a corner when i got stuck or frustrated on a painting bc welll, it sure feels like it, you painted the walls all around you and dont know how to get out now

it usually happens when i stop having fun and just draw what i want and instead keep subconsciously forcing myself into arbitrary rules; in my case its usually trying to be too perfect, i try to adhere to the sketch, i try to make every block of color have a perfectly clean edge, separate the drawing into way too many layers and am afraid to delete or erase anything, i tense up my whole body as frustration builds bc of impatience as this method of painting does not work for me at all and in the end lose motivation on it all and my nerves are stretched thin (i work best when i think as little as possible, just kinda loosely letting my hand do what it wants on few layers and no specific plan, after losing that its hard to get it back)

having those low moments with your art is normal as your skill grows, but even knowing so, and having gone through it countless times, it never stops making you feel like shit, and its especially frustrating when it happens when you just got enough time to work on stuff or have alot of ideas but you cant get it to work

(and funnily enough it also tends to happen after another work of mine got more attention than i thought .. even worse when it was just a sketch bc now i got the pressure on me to actually finish it and the fear of it doing worse once done looms over the whole thing- which doesnt mean i dont want people to interact with my wips, bc that also has an extremely demotivating factor to it bc it makes me think no one cares or it sucks and doesnt deserve the time i would need to spend on finishing it; also .. alot of my wips stay wips forever, which is fine, but like .. you cant always expect a finished tm version to happen)

i do find it a little funny you praise me for talking openly about it bc i am notoriously unable to shut up ever and only recently got better at NOT talking as much about it when i feel as shitty as this bc it doesnt really help anyone and gets annoying really fast xD (im also notoriously unable to not post absolutely everything bc i got no one to show it to and otherwise it will just collect dust on my harddrive so i might as well throw it out there no matter how much i might hate it, someone else might still enjoy it anyway)

and greetings back from the -not really much less of a hellscape- that is germany o/

#ganondoodles answers #currently sinking deeper into that corner lol #been trying to draw the ancient rito guy and based it on those cool looking fruit doves #but forgot its kinda dumb from a color perspective bc its largely green ....... like the damn stone ..........#also been doing the ... all the things i mentioned above that make me feel this frustrated depressed kinda thing #i just WANT TO DRAW LET ME DRAW THERES SO MCUH TO DRAW ARGH

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hollowhearts-and-espresso · 2 months

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on an outsiders kick so heres the main gang as things me and my friends have said

Soda: Your wish is my command. Be gay forever

Steve: I'm still straight but I'd fuck you now

Soda: Not that gay

Darry: I dont really like you. Why are you always hanging around?

Dally: I ask myself the same thing every single day

Pony: I know we're supposed to be saying embarrassing things about ourselves but before we talk about me i'm really upset Two-Bit didnt mention the fact that he was in love with thomas the train

Two-Bit: i watched ONE episode when i was FIVE go fuck yourself

Pony: You have a shrine by your bed

Two-Bit: irrelevant

Johnny: I'm not really scared of anything, no

Johnny: but cats freak me out. and so do dogs, sometimes, but mainly cats. and especially ducks. oh, and needles, and doctors in general. also loud noises, sharp objects near me, any sort of projectile, and stoves. but like, thats not that many things

Dally: I understand so much about you now

Pony: I'm going to write a novel and all of you are gonna have characters based off you. Any questions about it?

Two-Bit: Am I hot?

Pony: No. Next question

Darry: Am I going to regret reading this?

Pony: For sure. Next.

Johnny: Please dont make me a crybaby

Pony: You shouldnt read this. Next

Steve: Can me and Soda date?

Pony: You already are. Next

Soda: Can me and Steve not date?

Pony: Too late. You know you love him. Next

Dally: You're going to make my character really deep, arent you?

Pony: Possibly. Havent decided yet. Anything else?

Johnny: Is Dally as hot in the book as he really is?

Pony: I'll no longer be taking questions because I'm extremely uncomfortable, but on second thought, you might really like this book

Two-Bit, upon walking in on Steve and Soda cuddling: I leave for FIVE minutes and i'm left out of fucking everything. all the fucking time. i hate everyone in this house

Steve: Do you want to lay with us?

Soda: Yeah, come lay with us

Two-Bit, practically dropping himself on them: I'm still mad at you

Dally: For some reason Ponyboy is really obsessed with the idea of me being really soft inside and just not showing it so I dont get hurt. I think he wants me to be narrative foils with our other friend too

Dally: How do i tell him i'd change the narrative doom him if i could and feel no remorse without crushing that hope in him

Pony: I like to think its a secret but me and everyone around me knows im writing a slowburn, hes only soft to him trope, slight enemies to lovers fanfiction about Johnny and Dally in my head

Dally: the term fanfiction implies i have fans

Johnny: i'm a fan of you

Pony, whispering: they practically write it themselves

Dally: Here, i stole this. dont ask questions, just take it

Darry, taking the sleeping pigeon that Dally just handed him with a mildly horrified expression: where did you get this?

Dally: i told you i'd bring back souvenirs from my field trip. no more questions

Johnny: Not many people like me.

Johnny: its probably because im kind of a pussy, but i like to tell myself its because i'm annoying because at least then im not calling myself a pussy

Dally: Wait, wait. Who doesnt like you?

Johnny: Huh? Why does it matter?

Dally: No reason. Just, like, give me an example

Pony, in the kitchen and hears all of this: *puts the knives in the cabinet where Dally wont look for them* I dont really want to have to bail anyone out again

Soda, to Darry: I think Steve is kind of in love with me, but I really dont want to have to break it to him that I dont feel the same

Steve, with Soda in his lap: *stops playing with Sodas hair* What?

Soda: Nothing, baby, you're fine

Darry: I will never understand you

yes, one of my friends did bring a live pigeon back from a field trip. it slept a lot, and we'd hold him all the time while he slept and he'd stay asleep when we passed him around because we had to move. i hope he wasnt sick and is doing okay

#the outsiders #darry curtis #sodapop curtis #ponyboy curtis #twobit mathews #johnny cade #dallas winston #steve randle

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our-aroace-experience · 5 months

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Recently ive been coming to understand myself as aromantic, which is so interesting because I’ve thought of myself as a lesbian for so long. I think i feel some sort of alterous/sensual/other attraction to women that im still figuring out, but now that i see myself as aromantic i dont feel the need for labels as much as i used to. Its both funny and sad that I didn’t know this word for my feelings for so long, it really would have kept me front going through a lot of grief if I had an explanation, and I’m sure the same can be said for a number of people.

Some things I remembered recently that should have really tipped me off to being aromantic when I first discovered the term years ago:

- hearing a rumor that my middle school bf might want to kiss me, causing me to run screaming and start crying in the bathroom. all the girls in my class followed me to the bathroom to make sure i was okay and my teacher freaked lol

- I almost never have nightmares, and when I do I’m never spooked by them. But I’ve had several where someone confessed their feelings for me and I begrudgingly accepted their advances because I felt bad for them and didn’t want to hurt their feelings. Everytime I woke up from these dreams I felt really anxious and nervous and would avoid the person I dreamt about until I felt better.

- actually started considering I was aro years ago! But then my (very misguided) friend told me that wasn’t possible and that I liked [name of ex gf]. I took them at their word bc im a fool lol and we dated for 10 months !

- getting frustrated when my friends had dating drama with each other, especially when it was unrequited. I can recall saying often that they should just be happy to have the other person in their life at all.

- hating most romance in movies/tv. That could be because it is often poorly written or is could be me being romance repulsed who knows lol

- the first thing that really tipped me off to being aro was that I really don’t see the hype about Zendaya and literally everyone does 💀 except me apparently

i’m glad you’ve figured it out, even if it took a lot of signs lol. i wish you luck in finding a label for your other attraction if you decide you’d like to!

#our aroace experience #aroace asks #aromantic #asexual #aroace #aro #ace #aro pride #ace pride #aroace joy!

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petewentzisblack1312 · 1 month

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any beginners advice for flight rising?

the number one rule of flight rising is have fun and be yourself. the number two rule of flight rising is the economy is out to get you.

because of the way the loot tables work if youre low level in scavenging you seemingly have a much higher chance of getting unhatched eggs that way, just because there arent that many other things you can get at that level. they sell for a lot of either currency on the auction house so if you get one a good way to get money is to sell it. a lot of people, myself included, are quite sentimental and hatching unhatched eggs is fun bc its like a gacha but what constitutes a good pull is completely subjective. hatch or dont, do what you want.

that being said, if you hatch an unhatched egg and get a double, or if youre insanely lucky, a triple (that is a dragon with 2 or 3 of the same colours) because of how rare that is and how easy it is to make an aesthetically cohesive dragon with 2 or 3 of the colours being the same, theyre very very valuable. i once got a one off triple charcoal and sold it in an auction (different from the auction house) for 25kg. however. thats incredibly unlikely. if youre hatching unhatched eggs to make money off of what you hatch, you will make a loss. just sell the eggs. hatch eggs for the thrill of the chase.

people generally prefer unbred dragons, especially unbred g1s. however, you can breed your dragons if you want. i do! its your dragons, do what you want with them. itll tank the resale value but how sad would that be to have something that you love that you never really get to love because you might make money on it some day. breed any dragons you want if you want to. dont breed any if you dont. and i recommend not breeding anything you have as an investment.

maxing out your lucky streak in the fairgrounds every day is a solid way to make money. i used to do that when i was new, stopped, and started again when achievements were introduced. 75k treasure a day is really nothing to sneeze at. glimmer and gloom is the fastest but i know some people have trouble learning the algorithm or otherwise cant stand it. pick your poison!

the number one piece of advice i ever got in flight rising is to avoid any trades with crim worth more than 500 treasure. i would tack on 'unless its a battlestone other than one used for popular coliseum builds'. if shes offering more than 500 its probably apparel or something that you could sell on the auction house for more.

this really depends on what type of player you turn out to be, but i personally wish i thought a little harder about breeding my dragons. i take their ancestry into account in my lore but when i started i used my permas (dragons that you intend to keep) for fodder breeding and boy do i regret that. im attached to these dragons but they have a long list of offspring that are exalted. id say dragons you think are cool and dragons you want to breed should be a venn diagram that is almost two circular tangents unless youre sure you dont care. but also. lifes short. breed your progens 50gazillion times if you really want to. exalt them even. who give a fuck.

someone tricked a friend of mine this way so just so you know leveling to 25 is for dragons that you plan to grind with it is strategically not a good idea to level dragons to exalt to 25. ive already explained the value of doubles and triples so i dont think youll end up randomly exalting one of em.

if you can use the coliseum and you dont hate it i do recommend investing in a team to train fodder to exalt or to grind the coliseum and resell materials. one of the biggest flaws of fr is actually how dependent it currently is on the coliseum for gameplay. theres new gameplay in the pipeline. but its not imminent.

theres more. i cant think of it. keep asking questions if you want

#dils declares #flight rising

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fatuismooches · 6 months

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FUCK I TOTALLY FORGOT TO SEND YOU AN ASK ABOUT THE FIC... i just got hit full force but like 89831 different fucking projects all at once MY BAD POOKIE BUT UGHHHHHHH oh my god.... part 2??? yes.. all of it is soooo YESS

YESS you visualized everything what you've been talking about how reader would react when they first wake up after centuries and honestly hella realistic EVEN THOUGH I JUST WANNA HOLD READER AND KISS THEIR FOREHEAD 😭😭😭

reader interacting with the segments has my HEARTTT oh my god.. especially omega.. he's SUCH A DEVIOUS MOTHERFUCKEGUJK,,, also reader naming the segments UGHHH i adore that idea so much pleaseee ,, i love how the segments who didn't give a shit suddenly changed their minds when reader said they wanna give them names... THE SWITCH UP AND THE IMMEDIATE DENIAL...

READER MEETING BABY ZANDY ,,, FUCKINGG hell got me sooo soft i wanna hold baby zandy and treat him soo nicely 🥹🥹

ALSO YESS omgg,,, this part has me sooo fucking soft like reader making friends??? with the other harbingers??? i love it... omg they'd be such good besties with columbina,, i think pantalone helps reader adjust to present time as well, especially with it comes with money or the economy (if you ever ask him about it)

but oh.... to top it all off nicely, you gotta sneak in some subtle angst!!! smh... (im so proud of you tho!! like yasss sis feed me sad shit >:333) poor scara and reader :( i think they would've gotten along if reader wasn't dottore's lover n' scara wasn't dottore's experiment ,,,

ALL IN ALL. fuck you pookie im not excited for the next two parts (im kidding I AM IM JUST... NOT READY... pleas epost it next year so i'll be ready enough thank you /jjj) NO SERIOUSLY THIS TIME,, THIS WAS SOOO GOOOD and i love it so much, really popped off honestly (evil laughs because it's dottore)... like im soo happy to see how much you've grown esp thru writing !!!

have a good day pookie, im going back to my grave where i died for the next few days 💗💗

ALSO I WAS GONNA SEND IN ANOTHER DOTTORE IDEA but i fucking forgot again. FUCKS SAKE i hate not writing shit down...

POOKS DONT EVEN WORRY!! Just make sure to take care of yourself ok?? School can really be an ass i understand-

BUT OMG GRENFRG AHHH YOU'RE MAKING ME SMILE TOO MUCH POOKIE AHHWQ I'm so happy you liked it 🥺 BUT NGL I WANNA GIVE READER THE BIGGEST HUG TOO 😭 i put them through too much don't i 😭 dw they will be getting Dottore comfort next chapter!!

Bro i love writing Omega as a devious mf so much 😭 IM SO GLAD U LIKED THAT PART BC I WAS GIGGLING TO MYSELF ABT HOW THEY DGAF ABT THINGS BUT THEN SUDDENLY THEYRE INTERESTED WHEN UR A PART OF IT

AND YESSSS READER MAKING FRIENDS RAHHHH that part was probably really long for a Dottore fic but. i feel like having friends is so important and fragile reader really deserve some niceness in their lives 🥺 AND OMG NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. Fragile reader would be freaking blown away from inflation. i don't know how prices were four hundred years ago but they would probably be shocked to their core when they see how much expensive things are now?? imagine fragile reader trying to stop Dottore from buying things for them because of how expensive things are now, and they're having flashbacks to being a broke Akademiya student 😭 And Dottore is just honestly finding it amusing to see you freak out and beg him to save his money (it's okay, he's a Harbinger he's loaded) (as long as he's not spending it on experiments)

BUT YEAH MAYBE IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE... reader and Scara could have been friends :( we'll never know... but yasss i will continue to feed you sad shit >:) hehe I CANT WAIT TO POST THE FINAL PART!! ngl the ending of the fic was like. the first thing i wrote for it because it hit me and i was like i CANT forget this. im telling you pookie its gonna be pretty juicy. BUT THANK YOU YOU'RE BEING SO KIND AHHH it's really sweet of you. thank you for being here for so long in my writing journey (and my descent into Dottore madness) ily 🥺

#smooches talks #moots: kai <3 #kai u should see my drafts. theres a bunch with just one sentence i quickly typed so i don't forget my ideas 😭#giving my biggest hug to u kai #mwah mwah I MISSED U #and literally baby zandy is the cutest person ever i want to give him piggy back rides #oh my gosh i love brainrotting with u

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the-s1lly-corner · 11 months

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ATTENTION CREEPYPASTA FANS

hiiiiii i kinda wanna write some hcs/self insert stuff but im kinda stumped on who and what to write; especially since its been a while since ive written for these characters (a while = about a month?? give or take)

so! i'll be opening requests for creepypasta characters, a 'short' run down of my rules below + characters i write for + some info regarding how i write certain characters that may or may not be important

i apologize for any typos and mistakes for this post, im back to writing on my silly computer!! formatting may be a little whack as well, but that parts more so because idk how i wanna structure these side posts

it should be said right now that the way i write these characters leans very heavy on my own personal interpretation/au rather than ideas that the bulk of the fandom has (although, to be fair, i havent interacted much with the current state of the fandom, im kinda stuck in 2016 </3) so personalities or worldbuilding/common ideas may be different or totally absent in my writing

will not write;

this blog does not allow explicit nsfw material, at most there will be suggestive jokes or themes but it will likely never ever be the main theme of the post!

basic nono criteria, no gross stuff

personally i dont like writing prompts surrounded by cheating so most likely i wont write it

anything overly graphic (gorey), yes i understand that this is creepypasta but there are some things that i just simply wont write; however implied/minor gore is allowed to an extent

really asides from that im mostly chill with anything, but on the off chance you send in something that makes me uncomfy/a request i feel i cant fulfill, i will do my best to communicate that

ohoh also! unfortunately i do not take oc requests :(! no hate to oc x canon, esp since im part of that community, but i just dont trust myself to be able to do justice or your oc TToTT

if i turn down a request it is nothing against you or your wants, please do not take it personally ^^;

will write;

fluff and angst, along with specific scenarios! im fine with most angst but as said above, if a prompt cannot be done i will communicate that!

the reader by default is GN/is not referred to with pronouns outside of like. they/you/your, the POV i write in is kinda inconsistent tbh ,, but i am comfy with writing for specific genders + trans readers, although i admit im not sure how much pronouns or gendered things will come into play unless gender is the main point of the request

im fine with poly! though ive yet to actually. write poly

i dont just write romantic hcs! im down with platonic/familial ones as well!

again im not at all picky with things, and once again, i will communicate if something cant be done

added thing since im not sure where else to put it! by default i write short hcs and scenarios, short fics being very rare on this acc since im not confident in my writing; so !! yeah!! there isnt a real limit to how many characters you can ask for per request but it should be noted that the more characters there are, the shorter each section will likely be

list of characters i will write for!

if a character has a * by their name there will be added notes on how i write for them/special rules stated after the list

Slenderman

Trenderman

Splendorman

Masky/Tim*

Hoodie/Brian*

Laughing Jack

Eyeless Jack

Ticci Toby**

Jeff*

Jane*

Ben*

Nina*

Puppeteer*

Bloody Painter*

Zalgo*(?)

added character notes:

for characters that are minors in their source (jeff, jane, ben, and toby and nina) i will not be writing any romantic hcs; thats just a personal boundary of mine and while i dont think its particually gross or problematic depending on context, its not something i myself feel comfortable writing for! however i am more than willing to write platonic or family hcs for the characters stated above!

onto the proxies! im still figuring out how i wanna write them but i wanted to blend together the creepypasta take and the og marble hornets version into something new (mostly for my au) however due to my brain forgetting most the stuff that happens in MH (i gotta rewatch it, bad) it more so leans into the creepypasta take of these characters! i also by default write tim and masky as different characters, and the same for brian !!

main reason for puppeteer and bloody painter having the star is because im not too well versed in their lore but im willing to write them! though i am struggling to find a consistent source on helens age so ill be going off the fandom wiki (with a grain of salt) that hes in his 20s-

zalgo is a weird case because in my au he does indeed exist but also isnt?? okay so hes more so this untouchable being/mostly nontangible; like the dude is more so like a sentient force of nature bordering on something incomprehensible rather than being a person; more of a concept if anything... but because i want a challenge, and because i need to flesh him out in general im making him an available character!

but yeah i think thats mostly it! this post ended up being longer than i intended but i fully blame that on me being totally incapable of shortening things down 😭😭

#creepypasta headcanon #creepypasta #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta x you #creepypasta imagines #laughing jack x reader #eyeless jack x reader #slenderman x reader #splendorman x reader #trenderman x reader #puppeteer x reader #bloody painter x reader #zalgo x reader #crp #masky x reader #hoodie x reader

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goldendunite · 4 months

Text

Location: The Execution Tower

....

... Dunite?

..... Odette?! Wh- what are you-

No, shh, I am just here to talk to you....

..... you shouldn't. You're gonna get in trouble.

If Hexe was so adamant to keep me away, she would have made certain of it. Here.... I brought you cake.

.... it's delicious.

It would certainly be more delicious if you made it.. you never did quite lose your baking abilities.

..... I can't eat anymore, 'm sorry... I feel like I'm gonna fucking puke....

Did... did I add too much sugar by mistake?

No, not that... you could actually do with more I think. But no, just.... everything.

..... you're scared.

'Dette, you'd be terrified too if you were about to get fucking executed and kicked into the void forever. Icia spent 5 years there, she tells me. She says it feels like nothing but falling. I don't wanna be falling!!

.... Dunite....

No, don't fucking "Dunite" me, there's NOTHING you can do for me! I'm going to die! I'm going to get beheaded or stabbed or SOMETHING! IM GONNA BE IN THE VOID, ALL ALONE, 'N I WONT HAVE YOU OR AOKI OR ICIA OR SAMMY OR AOKI-

.....

.... I said him twice, didn't I..? *sob* ... why.... whywhywhywhywhy did the cosmos align in such a way....

Dunite, come here...

... 'm sorry. Y'didnt deserve that.

.. well, you don't deserve to be in this situation either... so let's declare it even, hm?

........

.... you miss him. Or both of them.?

.... well yeah, I miss both.... but. He's just...... I miss him in a different way.

..... in a love way?

..... I don't know?! I think?! He's so cute and his smile and he's so sweet and cute and....

.... and I dunno if I'll ever get to see it again. He's an AI, didja know....?

... you fell for an AI?

I DONT KNOW, I THINK SO?! I mean- I fucking HATE AI and you KNOW this! But... he's so nice and acts so human and....

... am I gonna get my heart broken?

..... I.... I do not have an answer, Dunite.

....

.... do you know when they're doing it?

.... 8 PM. Tomorrow.

So it gets to be dark outside.... maybe there'll be stars?

No. She is making it bright and sunny.

Oh of fucking COURSE she is. Bet this day is a great JOY to EVERYONE in the kingdom. Flynn's right, no one wants me here... 'xcept you and Sammy.

.....

.... I really wish I went with Icia. Stupid, stupid Dunite....

Hey, please stop hitting yourself- It does you no good.!

What else can I do..? I'm going to die. I can't beat myself up over my stupidity one more time?

Absolutely not.

.......

....

.... when i.... I die, guard all my stuffed animals. Especially the Deedees.

With my life.

.... do you think she'll let me hold the first Deedee? Or the bunny Aoki gave me?

I have high doubts.

Shit...... okay....

..... but...

Wh- how did you get into my room for this?!

.. well apparently the enchanted music book you gifted me once had a spell for phasing through walls, by adjusting my own body's frequency... much less complex than first glance, given.. well... me. Is this the right bunny?

... y-yeah.... 's the bunny Aoki gave me. Hehe.... it still smells like him.

He smells like rain...?

Mhm.

My dear Dunite, you truly do love him... it's a beautiful thing to truly love like that. Even if it is forbidden.

.....

.... do you... do you think they'll be there? Icia and Aoki? She'll make them be there? Because of... them having visited?

......... she may.

.... if that happens, try and make sure they don't see. I... I don't want 'em to watch me die.

I will do my best, Dunite. It's all going to be okay.

..... yeah. It'll be okay. I just wish he was here.

Did he see Flynn hit you?

I hope not.... it broke my wood. I... I think he was weakening me for the execution.

I can see it.... the peridot's chipping out.

Mhm..... I'm sleepy. What... what time did you say again?

8 PM.

.... 'Kay. Thanks Odette....

.....

.... I'll miss you when I'm gone.

.... I-.... I'll miss you too, Dunite. Both Sammy and I will very, very much.

8 PM EST, tomorrow.

We shall await your arrival.

#glitteringspells #modstar

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gayemeralds · 1 month

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what are the things you hate most about shadow? i think i was mostly neutral-negative towards him but fandom blorbofication made me so instinctually averse to anything about him i cant really pinpot the ones that annoy me the most

i'll admit at first it was mostly because i was annoyed by the fandom's approach to him but i try my best not to get swayed by other peoples perception of sonic and i went back to look at the source material so i can bitch and back myself up. lmao.

i think i just really hate the direction of his character post sa2. i think there's plenty of story to be wrought from shadow- i say i wish he stayed dead after sa2 but thats not 100% true. i think the amnesia arc they went with post sa2 was the dumbest fucking thing they could do with a character who we spent an entire game (sa2) figuring out his past in. like sa2 is so lore heavy that having the core character of the game become amnesiac was stupid i fucking hate it. and it doesnt even get resolved in sonic heroes we have to get shadow the hedgehog 2005 to get a better answer and if im honest even then its still immensely confusing on what, exactly, they're trying to do with shadow.

like imagine if they didnt go the route of amnesia. a shadow that has to fully reckon with the fact that he nearly ended the world. a shadow that has to immediately acknowledge the events of sa2, his grief, geralds actions, and where this leaves him. amnesia shadow just doesnt do shadow figuring out where he stands in regard to his past enough justice. idk i just wish the amnesia thing literally never happened it was so stupid and i think it fucked up his character post sa2.

but other than that, i really do hate how he keeps getting pushed into things that he really shouldnt be pushed in. i think the sonic movies and sonic prime are the most egregious examples. i really dont understand why sonic prime, who's purpose was to explore alternative dimensions, didn't focus on sonic and blaze. why was shadow a core part of this show. and the sonic movies skipping sa1 just to get to sa2 to have shadow in the universe to milk as much money as they can frustrates me so fucking much. why is shadow confirmed before amy. also shadow in the twitter take overs when hes not even in the fucking games??? like sonic frontiers and sonic colors... i'll admit i hate sega using him as a marketing ploy. shadow to me is a character that should be placed in the reserves- he's really only useful for big, world ending events. otherwise whats the point of having him around, especially since they don't want to be consistent in his characterization.

speaking of charaterization... im not sure how to phrase this but i think a lot of modern presentations of shadow, in fandom and through sega, really forget how sa2 presented shadow, and his relationship to sonic. i hate how shadow keeps getting casted as sonic's edgy doppleganger whos just picking fights for the sake of a fight. like if you want that metal sonic is right fucking there and always has a good reason to pick a fight with sonic. and i really hate how sonic & shadow are not always casted as equals. theres an underlying respect to their relationship that i think gets forgotten. shadow does respect sonic- he calls him the ultimate lifeform during the finalhazard battle- he acknowledges and respects sonics ability, tenacity, and simplicity. he respects sonic! and the two are equals! they're supposed to be foils of each other- of what letting your losses define you as. they're equals! they're two sides of the same coin! i don't know how to phrase this without going on an insane tangent i just feel like people don't entirely understand what them being foils means.

anyway. idk. i don't like shadow post sa2 is the simplest answer to this lol.

#master emerald brothel #sighs #. shadow.....

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lqfiles · 2 months

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ANON WHO BROUGHT UP LUCAS THANK U I WAS ITCHING TO TALK AB HIM BUT I WAS SOOO SCARED BC i didn’t know if it was a safe space free of lumis or not…

my ig feels kinda curated to show me content of him there’s so much of his stans there compared to tiktok and the specific posts im getting is like “dreamies winning for smoothie!! …lucas in the back🥺💔” OR “dejun introducing lucas for his stage🥺🥺” SHUUTTT UPPPPP

it’s especially aggravating when there are situations in the industry that were far less impactful than his allegations the ones i’m thinking of specifically is soojin ex gidle as well as chuu have not promoted on music shows BUT WITHIN LIKE TWO MONTHS OF HIM COMING BACK HE GETS TO HAVE HIS SOLO DEBUT AND PERFORM??? and don’t even get me started on seunghan. what the fuck do you mean ot6 siren gtfo

i gave up on editing and was making shitposts on my tiktok praying for the downfall of sm ent because it seems they have a 7 member group curse DIEEE!!! (respectfully..! i lov u lee donghyuck i hope u can be free from the sm shackles in due time)

HSDJDKSKS don’t worry this is never a safe space for him and his fan i rlly do not like that guy and you’ll never catch me praising him.. anyways i got some stuff to say too but it will probably be the only time i’ll speak on it here because i don’t like giving that man attention 😶‍🌫️

bro i’m not surprised that you’re getting that stuff because when i tell you 99% of nctzens on insta are all lucas fans it actually shocked me 😭😭 i remember once commenting smth like “we don’t want him back” and i got sent death threats like OVER DOZEN???? MR CANT FIND THE BEAT?? 😭😭😭 tiktok is really 50/50 with a side that’s here for him and another side that doesn’t like him. the only platform i know where it’s mostly people disliking him is twitter but even then he got a pretty large following on there that is LOUD and ANNOYING

and you’re so right about that ITS SO CRAZY TO ME how SM just wouldn’t let go off him like they were so adamant on keeping him in the company for some reason and have been soft launching him for a good year trying to get the public to ease a bit, (the amount of concerts he’s attended to make his presence known.. you’re not slick SM) and i just don’t get what value he has to that company. he doesn’t bring the talent like he literally invented the term dozen because he dozen do anything right, he doesn’t bring the visuals, you can argue that he brings fans because he got a very huge SEA and latin (?) fan population that is veryyyy loud but even then the number of haters is much bigger, china literally hates him and korea barely tolerates him.

they didn’t hesitate to put seunghan on hiatus and are literally erasing him from the group in real time with the ot6 siren ver it’s crazyyy, all because he got his privacy invaded and did acceptable teen things? they kicked that SNSD member out for starting her own clothing brand and i’m sure they blacklisted her too, jaejoong got blacklisted too, soojin and chuu got kicked out, but the guy who has literal criminal allegations (that he basically admitted to himself) gets a whole pity sob documentary as well as rebranding as a soloist? chris lee is the biggest dick rider ever for this and it will never make sense to me😭

i honestly don’t like talking about him or mentioning him because 1. any type of publicity can be good publicity to him 2. arguing with his fans is useless and tiring because they will NOT change their mind 3. his face and existence annoys me so yeah i don’t like mentioning him because what’s the point hate-watching his content like that’s still publicity for him

but yeah if i find out any of his fans follow me i’ll literally block, even if you dont follow me and i find you’re his fan i block 💀 NOT A SAFE SPACE FOR LUMIS PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE I HAVE TO BLOCK U MYSELF 😭🙏🏽

#asks.#from 🪼 anon #the last sentence you’re so hsjdhsjdks #WHERE IS THE HAECHAN SOLO SINCE WERE GIVING EVERYONE A SOLO #also omg you’re an editor 👀 me too..

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timechaser · 2 years

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i let this thought go tonight and it will never see the light of the moon ever again so here goes every thought in my mind abt the poppy war trilogy. mind you, a lot of this is just nonsensical dabble and incoherent babbling bc i cant ever form coherent thoughts but whatever.

id pay big money and wage a thousand wars to go back in time and yank every material object out of my hand and out of my reach to ensure that i never even wondered abt the trilogy's existence. it's not that i regret reading them because they sucked--no, far from it. it's not that i led myself blind and didnt take the extra precautions to make sure that i was in the right mindset to read them. i knew what i was going into, what ch21 was withholding, i knew how graphic and how heavy they would be to read. i retreated to my room and poured a stupid amount of hours staring at a screen, at a bunch of words, and feeling such bizarre emotions.

that being said, i love runin. i love how bold she was and how persistent she was despite having her bones kicked inwards from quite literally every person she has let into her life. i love how she was a proper morally grey character, a heroine led astray and betrayed by her very own thoughts. i love her bc even though she was the anthropomorphic personification of a god, she was still human. at the end of the day, what killed her wasnt a higher being, it was the self. that part of her arc cemented her place in my top list of female book leads. i love rin because she was human through and through, all the sides of it, she was everything. reading her was a tough pill to swallow, but a necessary one because she is proof of how dangerous the mind can be to itself, to how dangerous humanity is to itself. and sometimes id wish i could reach into their world and pull her back to ground bc of her recklessness. i love and hate rin at the same time, never one more than the other.

i love kitay even more. never once have i faulted him, he knew what was best, a moral compass for readers really. especially after primarily reading from rin's violent and often irrational perspective, it was relieving to have a voice of reason. theres not much i can say abt him other than the fact that he is my favourite out of the trio, id see it through no matter what. yes i wish he'd said no to bonding himself to rin, to put himself on a compromise, but at the same time i'm glad that he did. kept rin grounded, gave her a sense of purpose other than vengeance, instilled her a sense of duty and obligation--to survive, not only for herself but for him as well. will always defend him no matter what, this boy is clean and he is faultless.

nezha nezha nezha. i tried for three books (and tdf) to like him, truly, but even after all those pages i still dont know how to feel about him. he was insufferable in the first book, honourable for most of the second, and downright pathetic in the third. but if i say that i hate nezha then id have to say that i hate rin as well. they were both children of war, born under humiliating circumstances and forced to take the wager of compromise, they share the same faults. its not fair of me to defend one and leave the other open, they forced the ugliness out of each other. they were tragic. i saw his betrayal from kilometres away, but anticipation did not make forgiveness easier. but i know what it feels like to be brought up as a pawn for ur own family's benefit, to be subjected to so much responsibility when you barely know the world and its wonders, feels like a push to the edge. i cant blame him for that.

in short, im devastated. ive had my tears ricochet on loop since i started the first book. i am but a hollow shell of the person i was before this book. it has altered my life (/hj) and i cant go a minute of my day without thinking abt it. it's incredibly tragic, it's flawed in its own ways but it is also three incredible pieces of literature. rfk did well, im glad i read it while at the same time hate myself for reading the entirety of the trilogy in the span of 36hrs. i dont think its once u can read almost immediately, u need to pace yourself. 5 golden stars from me nonetheless.

#poppy war #the poppy war #the dragon republic #the burning god #fang runin #rin #nezha #kitay

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afuckingsystemsthoughts · 2 months

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we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.

also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself

now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.

i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.

having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)

feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.

the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.

for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.

DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.

#dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #tired of the “oh you have to be in constant agony from DID to have DID” posts its so invalidating tbh #like im sorry having DID is so bad for you but theres people with DID who dont have it as bad and theyre just as valid #people always spread negativity about DID when people with it wanna distract from their suffering and the “oh poor me” posts dont help much #it forces DID systems who dont suffer because of it 24/7 to think theyre faking and that makes them exaggerate symptoms #man the online DID community is toxic

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