#if the shoe fits cinderella then get the fuck off my blog

[moth-ouija]

If you're cis and you think you know more about being trans than me, a trans man, then fuck off, you owe me £40

#cisphobia #if you think this is about you then it is #if the shoe fits cinderella then get the fuck off my blog #@the person who came to my ask box once to tell me im not really trans bc i DEFENDED trans people who don't experience dysphoria #also if this post makes you want to jumo in my ask box then you're gonna have to be willing to pay me #anti terf #c*berp*nk 2077 being mentioned everywhere on my dash is getting to me #cd projekt red's raging transphobia is getting to me #my friends buying the game on pre-order and then acting like they're saints for understanding why it's so shitty is getting to me #you don't get brownie points for ragging on something that actively harms me when you're literally contributing to it #fuck off

[sitp-recs]

heyy first off, I'd like to say that I absolutely adore your blog!! Whenever i want some fics i always come here first so thank youu <33

Secondly, if you don't mind could you rec some bottom! Draco pwp's preferably w feelings (and not @l0vegl0wsinthedark bc I've read all of their fics) but of a similar dynamic as ^

Thank youuu mwah

Hi lovely! Ahh thank you, I’m so happy you’re enjoying the blog! I don’t usually keep track of top/bottom stuff in fic but since you mention porn with feels and loveglows as a reference, I thought of some fics that give off similar vibes. Enjoy! :)

In the toilet of the Leaky by @marguerite26 (2012, Explicit, 3k)

um... filthy toilet sex?

Kettle by @magpiefngrl (2018, Explicit, 3k)

Draco likes to put up a fight.

On Display by @carpemermaidtales (2017, Explicit, 3k)

Harry keeps his promise to bend Draco over the motorbike and then some. Sequel to Rev up my Motor(bike).

Breaking the Law by @dracogotgame (2018, Explicit, 3k)

Draco runs into a little trouble with Auror Potter.

Business before pleasure by @ravenclawsquill (2017, Explicit, 4k)

Harry means to go slowly, he really does, but it just isn’t an option. Sex with Malfoy is always quick and dirty, and this is no exception. He drives his cock into Malfoy’s arse over and over again, as hard as he can, until Malfoy’s clutching at the coat hooks on the back of the door, his usual eloquence lost to a litany of broken whimpers.

Catch the Snitch (No, Catch My Heart) by @prolix- (2020, Explicit, 4.5k)

Draco secretly loved when Harry lost a match.

Lucid by @dracoladon (2020, Explicit, 4.7k)

Harry's not sure what makes him harder; listening to Draco talk about astronomy, or shagging Draco so thoroughly that he can't talk at all. Both, probably.

Sunkissed by @shealwaysreads (2019, Explicit, 5.8k)

Burnt toast, international Portkeys, ancient ruins, and Harry's own special brand of support.

Slip Into My Lover's Hands by @lqtraintracks (2015, Explicit, 6k)

Draco licks his lips. He shuts his eyes, because he doesn't think he can look at Potter when he says it. When he asks for it. "One finger?"

Teeth by @amelior8or (2020, Explicit, 6k)

Potter’s been practically begging for it, for months, constantly staring until the air crackles with the intensity of it. Draco always stares back, until all it takes is a brush, a spark, before they go up like flash paper. The crash into each other is inevitable. Draco’s heart has got teeth. And there is nothing he won’t do to keep up the fight with Harry fucking Potter.

Aletheia by @lazywonderlvnd (2020, Explicit, 8k) - dubcon, polyjuice

Draco finds out Daphne's been shagging Potter and it turns out it's really not that difficult to get a piece of her hair.

If the Cock Fits by tryslora (2015, Explicit, 6k)

It’s like Cinderella, only Draco’s arse is the shoe left behind, and he’s searching for the perfect prick that fits.

savour every moment (slowly) by @bonesliketambourines (2020, Explicit, 8k)

Draco's used to getting what he wants, when he wants it. Harry's the only one who's ever been able to convince him that sometimes, waiting can be worth it.

In Deep by @lqtraintracks (2018, Explicit, 9k)

Harry isn't sure when he went from hating Malfoy's snide, smug mouth to wanting that mouth all over his cock.

Sex on Legs in Six-Inch Heels by @tessacrowley (2017, Explicit, 9.6k)

Draco Malfoy is a brilliant freelance cursebreaker and the only one who can help the Department of Magical Law Enforcement with a very dangerous case, but more importantly, he's wearing six-inch heels, and Harry cannot handle it, he really just can't.

break the bad luck in my life by seaworn (2019, Explicit, 11k)

Draco and Harry are both brooding on Christmas Eve.

Kill, Fuck, Marry by @lettersbyelise (2018, Explicit, 12k)

Harry and Draco unexpectedly meet again on Draco’s birthday, years after their last encounter.

What’s My Age Again? by @lazywonderlvnd (2020, Explicit, 12k)

Harry Potter has had enough of pleasing the public, and his reckless tendencies are finally getting out of hand. The Quidditch World Cup is only a week away; as Captain of the English National Team, Hermione has assured him that his immaturity won’t be tolerated by the Ministry. And then Malfoy shows up.

Let's Dance To Joy Division by @femmequixotic (2010, Explicit, 12k)

Let the love tear us apart, I've found a cure for a broken heart...

Shining, Like A Present by @bixgirl1 (2017, Explicit, 13k) - D/s dynamics

The discovery of a small silver box at the site of a case opens up new possibilities.

Can't Get You Out of My Head by @femmequixotic (2017, Explicit, 14k)

After he sees Harry Potter naked in the Auror showers once, Draco can't stop thinking about him. (Prequel to Lost In Your Arms.)

White as Snow by @bixgirl1 (2018, Explicit, 19k)

After a quick escape from danger, Harry and Draco find themselves trapped in a blizzard, a small cabin their only refuge from the storm. It's the perfect place to recover and regroup — and to have a long-overdue conversation or two.

Red Thread (that will lead me home to you) by xErised (2019, Explicit, 35k)

It takes four years of travelling and mutual pining for Harry to realise that Malfoy is the only one for him. Of course, he has to express his feelings in the most scandalous way possible—by stopping Malfoy's very proper, very pureblood wedding.

Bonus:

Utter Cockslut (A Worthy Cause) by Lokifan (2016, Explicit, 7k) - Draco/Harry, Draco/Ron, Draco/OMCs

Harry sells Draco’s arse to all comers for a night. After all, it’s for a very worthy cause. Fluffier than it sounds.

#anon #asks #drarry reclist #pwp #bottom!draco

[datingdummies-blog]

Phil the Fixer and Sally the Saboteur

This is the all too classic story of Phil the Fixer and Sally the Saboteur.  This couple also has a pretty similar story to the classic Disney movie “Cinderella” without the fairy tale ending of course.  (Like we need to be reminded that life isn’t a fairy tale right?)  I decided to pair these two because they often times find each other in the game of love as they are one in the same person with different reactions to similar experiences in life.  Prince Charming and Phil are similar in the sense that they are both fixers.  He hunted, fought and bribed his way to find Cinderella and even when he found her and saw her for who she really was (a peasant) he still wanted to “save” her from not only herself but also save her from the endless amounts of self pity and the inability to get herself out of her situational hell she was living in.  Cinderella and Sally are similar in the sense that Cinderella is a runner.  Yes Cinderella has the deadline of midnight, but why never tell him her name?  Why make it near impossible for him to find her?  Why run?  Why does she have to make her perfect man work so hard for her.  The biggest difference between these two stories is at the end of this fairy tale, she runs him into the ground, crushes his spirit and leaves him feeling empty and alone. 

First I think we should identify if you, yourself happen to fall into one of these categories. 

Lets start with the Fixer.  I feel like you boys know if you’re the typical fixer as you normally end up in relationships where the woman is a massive train wreck and you stay far too fucking long.  She seems normal but once comfortable you are introduced to the exorcist like, spinning head and soon you will meet her alternate personality.  For fun you might call her Bridgett, however I recommend not telling her that you have come up with a name for this fun second personality as you have just now had the pleasure of meeting and lucky for you, it’s been just long enough for you to become completely emotionally attached. 

Knowing where the typical fixer started is key to knowing if you have landed yourself this dime piece of a man, because his childhood has a lot to do with his fixing tendencies.  Most fixers learned to fix early on in life.  They usually carried the huge responsibility within their family such as taking care of the younger siblings and sometimes taking care of their parents.  Really anytime a child is forced to almost switch spots with a parent and do things kids don’t normally do, they are at risk for becoming the typical fixer.  When becoming an adult after taking on such responsibility as a child they are left feeling a bit empty when being faced with the reality that there is no one left to be fixed. The younger siblings have left home to take care of themselves and become adults, and at this point hopefully the parents have realized the error of their ways as well or the fixer has left home and is not forced to watch their destructive ways any longer on a daily basis as they use to.  They are left only responsible for themselves.  They make it a mission subconsciously to find someone in need.  Let me make this clear, I don’t think they intend to find crazy train wreck type women I think they are drawn to these women and then feel like they can help and are turned on by the challenge this girl presents.  The one thing this type definitely won’t do is be turned off by your issues and abandon you.  They are born fighters, and will undoubtedly work hard for your love.  We will get to where the fixer goes wrong later.  Now lets move onto identifying the Sally the Saboteur.  

You can tell who Sally is almost immediately because while easy and almost eager to commit to all the wrong guys, when faced with someone who might actually be good for her and nurture her the way she needs, she becomes engulfed with the fear of reality that suggests if she were really truly happy in a relationship she could have that snatched away just as fast as it was given to her.  So instead she goes for men she knows it could never possibly work long term with because she is already prepared for the heart break that is patiently waiting behind that stop sign up ahead.  Men are drawn to Sally because she is extraverted, and can make friends with just about everyone. She straddles lines, finds the boundaries and makes sure she touches just about every button she can with a man.  

Typically just like the fixer she has a child hood that is probably to thank for these ways.  She was most likely abandoned by one parent or both.  She might have daddy issues or just plain issues with men she developed after a bad relationship or ten.  Sally might also possess a parent who seems disappointed with her no matter how much she accomplishes. Again it all results back to feeling alone, and abandoned by someone who was put on this earth to love and care for you no matter what you did or accomplished in life.  This type is famous for being one of the most caring individuals you will ever have the fine pleasure of meeting if you were the wrong man for her and if you were the right man you probably witnessed her running as fast as she could from you almost cursing the fact she decided to wear heels that day because running shoes would have been ten times faster and less painful.  It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care for you.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite.  She cares for you so much that she worries that she will hurt you, or vice versa you will hurt her.  So instead she takes the cowards way out and runs away. 

I haven’t quite divulged into why or how I gained knowledge or insight into these two particular types.  I have had moments in my life that I am not proud of.  Moments that taught me what not to do, and what living and being a good person doesn’t look like. One particular moment that I replay most in my mind when thinking of these type of mistakes I have made is the moment I became Sally the Saboteur and Phil the Fixer was a man I called my best friend and someone I massively cared for.  I am not too proud to say I messed up, and big.  Not only did I lose a potential good, caring, nurturing and most certainly loving boyfriend.  But I lost a friend.  We as humans have to always keep in mind that to every thing we do in life has consequences.  This was mine, and only mine to pay.  

I was just coming down from the Angler, hurt and confused.  I had shut out my friends during the duration of the relationship and had barely any of my identity left.  I had crazy hours doing 911 dispatch that a life outside of working and being a single mom was nearly impossible.  I have no excuses for my actions, I am only explaining the situation and the mindset I was coming off of.  I felt alone, and like a mind numbing worker bee.  During this painful transition into the single world I reconnected with an acquaintance who was also going through a similar situation.   He trusted me with his secrets, made himself vulnerable and was an unwavering friend.  He was that lending ear I needed, and the person I texted when having a good or bad night, really just the person I texted every night.  We talked about everything, even other guys I was actively dating and he gave me sound advice on each.  He didn’t judge me, he only loved me for who I was. I could for once just be me and he not only mirrored my humor perfectly, and never even cringed at my vulgar and less than lady like jokes.  He just added to the hilarity, and that was us. Just a simple Phil and Sally situation about to go extremely wrong, or for the sake of this story about to go exactly as planned, playing into these two types and fitting into their roles perfectly.   

So just as our roles would suggest, he actively pursued me and I rejected him, and continued to wallow in my self pity and be broken, except this time I was back to being alone. When realizing the error in my ways, I apologized, I expected anger.  But was shell shocked when greeted with forgiveness, kindness  and acceptance he also even went on to tell me that I was a good person and that everyone makes mistakes.  

However my price to pay is that Phil and I will never be the same, he will never trust me with his secrets and being vulnerable with me is a thing in the past. I don’t blame him, and if the roles were reversed I might have even chosen the low road.  Like writing a comedy dating blog using only nicknames utilizing examples from my private relationships to my advantage? Maybe, I might have even told him to kick rocks, or say nothing at all.  

At the end of the day the typical fixer is an amazing man.  He is husband, father and best friend material.  He fights for you.  To lose this man is truly only your loss at the end of the day, because sadly for you and I, he will undoubtedly go on to find another.  He is the long term relationship type of man. He will find a woman who not only appreciates and sees his value and the amazing qualities he brings to the table but she will cherish him and make him feel full and loved.  She will do everything you failed to do and more.  He deserves this for his life, and you will only be invited to the viewing party that is social media.  Please don’t try and hurt this man again.  Wish him well, and let him move on with his life.  He deserves the best, and even though he so badly wanted it to be you, you were incapable of holding the heart he wanted to put in your hands.  If any woman finds one of these men, please capture him and replicate him.  We need more fixers and less Anglers and Three-Petes in this world.  It’s time we appreciate these men for the non game playing, amazing men they are.

I leave you with this for the Phil’s reading this.  If you are in love with a Sally currently, you should cancel the subscription to her issues and move on.  You deserve better.  If you’re a Sally reading this, do what Cinderella and I did with our lives.  Change your shoes (metaphorically of course) it can change your whole life and your outlook on how you should be treated and maybe even open up your eyes to really see who your real Prince Charming is. Sally you deserve happiness in your life too.  But you have got to peel yourself from your situation and get your shit together. You’re not ready for this man right now. Let him go.

XOXO JESS

#cinderella comedyblogging dating datingdummies bereal SallyTheSaboteur PhilTheFixer

[thedisney50-blog]

12. Cinderella (1950)

Half the reason to do this blog was to allow me to see every Disney Animated Classic. Much to my discredit I have never seen Cinderella. Mainly because it always struck me as dull. Plus the Cinderella story is one of the 7 basic story archetypes; we ALL know it in various forms. Rags to riches. So, was my scorn well founded? Or is this a hidden gem?

So what’s the plot Liam? Well Cindy had a loving father who was widowed. He remarried an evil bitch and then promptly died. Cindy spent the rest of her life in indentured servitude to evil stepmother (you’re not my real mom!) and two ugly step sisters. Castle has a shindig, magical lady appears, dress and shoes provided, glass slipper, whole nine yards. Marries Prince. End. In a nutshell: A foot fetishist’s wet dream.

The film opens with another live action book opening (sploosh). I assumed that boded well. And then we get a voice over: “Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become a servant in her own house”. Now I was expecting this to go down a very dodgy low budget porn route. “I’ve come to fix your spinning wheel”. Alas no, it was not to be. Instead it was an interminably dull 74 minutes. Make it stop! Kill it with fire! Dull to the nth degree. Generally average animations, a few “songs” that made my insides solidify, pointless subplots and a general sense of ennui a la fin-de-siecle. C’est fin. Well, not quite.

I usually talk about the animation quality in these things so I can pretend there’s something vaguely valid about my criticism. The animation is OK I suppose. Some nice rotoscoping in places, and some pretty nice bits of design. And the “So This Is Love?” dancing sequence in the garden is rather nifty to be fair. But other sections look like they belong on the editing room floor. It’s certainly not as stylised or as interesting as stuff that would come in the same decade (Sleeping Beauty or Lady & The Tramp), and suffers from a general lack of imagination. Very little of the exquisite, luscious detail I expect. Erm.. yeah that’s about the best I can say for it. Check out the dancing sequence for the best it has to offer:

The music in the piece is a huge let down. Not only do we get dull ballads with no sense of fun or frivolity, but we also get the start of the “chipmunk” phase kicking in hard. The mice, as with all Disney mice, are the worst. Not only do they grate on the old auditory nerves, but their subplot is tedium personified. I do not give a single fuck about mice and cats locked in the eternal Darwinian struggle. Think a shit Tom & Jerry without the racist overtones. I’m so over anthropomorphised rodents. Also while we’re talking about the mice, Cindy has a very 1950s attitude towards ensuring they’re appropriately dressed in gendered clothing. SHE ASSUMES THEIR GENDER!

Also while we’re on the mice; Cindy is a bitch! She and the mice live in the attic. She serves them breakfast, but insists they scale down three stories in the house to get fed. Given the height of the ceilings, the average height of humans, and the average height of mice, a quick bit of maths informs me the heartless bitch made them climb down the equivalent of a human being scaling down 12% of the Burj Khalifa. 99.8 metres! Cold hearted woman (yes I actually did the maths).

Let’s talk characters. Cindy is suitably irrelevant. As is the Prince (literally takes him 54 minutes before he says a single word). The sisters are also beige. The only characters with any real depth are the Evil Stepmother. She looks like Kathleen Turner would look as a brothel madam in the Wild West 150 years ago. She’s also voiced by Eleanor Audley, the same lady that voiced Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty, and induced severe Proustian terror in my bones. Other characters of note are the cat Lucifer (subtle name), which only reinforced my hatred of cats as something evil and unholy; a mouse called Gus who was actually kinda cute (totally my type, chunky and dim, just how I like my boyfriends), a noble hound named Bruno I rather enjoyed, and a series of bluebirds that all wore headscarfs. I don’t know if they were religiously observant bluebirds or simply fashion conscious, but they (and Cindy by extension) must be riddled with disease! It’s a miracle she wasn’t quarantined.

Before I delve into my main issues with this film, let’s talk a few random points:

Cindy’s room looks like something from a hipster’s tumblr. Spartan with beautiful antique furniture and a view to die for.

The opening track sounds like a direct rip off of Funny Face. Half expected Fred Astaire to come bounding in wearing Ginger Rogers like a boxing glove.

Nice to see SJP got a short cameo.

The ugly sisters sing about as well as I do.

Why is Tweedle Dum a messenger for the king?! Seriously. Same character.

Is Cindy running a rodent sweatshop in the attic? I think so. Primark are all over that shit.

Why are the only people of colour the palace guards? This thing is a white wash.

The film is full of random assumptions. The king assumes the Prince hasn’t found a woman he loves yet because he’s picky (he’s probably gay, mate). Cindy assumes the gender of mice. Disney assumes I want to sit through this. Assumptions EVERYWHERE.

Nice to see Sarah Jessica Parker getting work again. Also, what is that goose doing?

So, with that I should raise two final points. Firstly, who is this random magical bint!? She appears out of nowhere with barely an explanation. Where was she for the past decade when poor Cindy was in indentured servitude?! “Oh don’t worry! Here’s a pumpkin and a dress a drag queen wouldn’t be seen dead in!”. Also: serious bingo wings. However, her fashion choices aren’t the most important aspect. The most important thing is my second point: feet! What the fuck is it with this movie and feet?! Cinderella ain’t got any toes!

Bitch got no toes!!!!

Seriously look at it! She has weird dolphin feet. Just flippers. What the fuck?! And with that being said, why do the shoes not disappear? Everything else disappears or returns to it’s normal form at the stroke of midnight. But the shoes somehow miraculously stay. The Prince then descends on the town looking for his wife to be with no idea what her face looks like, just the fact she had nice shoes on. “I didn’t bother to look at your face, I don’t look at faces, I just dig your feet”. It seems the Prince has a thing for those little piggies. Plus, he’s clearly just a narrative device to fulfil Cindy’s veracious sexual appetite.

Who makes a shoe out of glass?! REALLY!? GLASS!! Health and safety department on line 1. These GLASS shoes also take one hell of a beating and fit no one. It appears as well as having fused toes, Cindy also has microscopically small feet that no one else can fit into. GLASS SHOES! And they don’t even shatter when a million desperate ladies are trying to cram their cankles into this weird sci-fi crystal stiletto. But apparently drop them and they explode into a million shards with the slightest percussion. No. Sorry. Not buying. GLASS. SHOES.

So would I recommend visiting Cinderella’s chateau? Nope. Don’t bother. A waste of your rods and cones. Unless you dig feet, in which case get in the fucking bin. There’s very little to recommend it as a film. And even less so as a story. It’s played out and we all know it. It’s not in anyway improved by singing rodents, lice ridden bluebirds, a foot fetishist, GLASS SHOES, and Kathleen Turner charging by the hour. This pied-á-terre is not worth a visit… Yes that was another foot pun.

3/10 poor animation, feet, health and safety, not porn, dull music, mice, animals, a little bit racist, feet, and feet again.

#music #villain #Bluebird #mice #shoes #feet #gay #racist #classic #3/10 #magic