#im just a horrible person to be around

[transsexualjoanofarc]

:|

#me.txt #📔 #vents #i feel like such a horrible person right now #not any real reason but like. sighhh #my friend mentioned they were gaving trouble eating so i tried to get them to eat at lunch #& ended up trigfering her & now i feel awful #& i keep fucking arguing with my one friend about the godfather of all things & i thought it was just like debate between buddies but #i now feel like im making her really mad at me #ON THAT POINT #i cant stop FUCKING talking about my interests i cant keep my stupid mouth shut all i do is talk about myself & my interests #my buddy just got out of the fucking psych qlward hes coming over to my house fr a sleepover & i found myself stressing over what movie wed #watch so they dont get triggered #fuck!!! #& talking about my interests & sharing what i like is one of my love languages but i feel like im incqpavle of talkong about #ANYTHING else & its so FUCKING annoying like CHRIST i cannot tolerate myself i dont know how yall do it #im just a horrible person to be around #& its so hard fr me to connect with other people about THEIR lives & what THEY have going on #i feel like my drawing isnt improving & my writing is repetitive & i cant make anything well & im just stuck in the same old cycles im. tir #tired of myself #God can i be anyone else fr a day

[cemeterything]

my dreams need to stop giving me fucked up ethical dilemmas i'm sorry but i don't think like that. if you put me in a survival situation i will simply do whatever i want.

#🐉 #last nights dream was a massive tidal wave and all the people around me were insisting we had to stay and help #as many people as possible escape. and i was like erm no we dont. and walked off and just told people i met along the way to start running #if they wanted to live or stay and die and let them handle the rest. #and when all my companions called me a horrible person for it i was like well being a good person isnt going to mean anything #if im dead is it. lol. #ill take my tortured conscience over oblivion. see you in the afterlife maybe.

[icyheart-and-friends]

Please, for the love of gods, allow yourself to consume content/media uncritically

You can be aware of issues a show/game/movie/etc has but you don't need to be aware of it *all* the time, you shouldn't have to justify yourself liking it every time you go to talk about it.

You shouldn't have to feel like you're the worst person in the world just because you like something that happens to have problematic stuff in it.

And you're setting yourself up for failure if you go into something immediately looking for all of the bad in it, you're setting yourself up to be unable to enjoy it! And if you do manage to enjoy it it'll likely just feel wrong because of that!

I'm begging y'all not to consume *everything* critically and to sometimes enjoy things uncritically.

#its so fucking easy to end up demonizing yourself just because you like media thst isnt deemed “good” #i only just recently realized how fucking guilty id feel admitting i like watching helluva boss to other people outside of my circle. or #feeling thr need to warn people about the heavy racism in baldur's gate 3 for the fear of being seen as an awful person for praising the #game despite thst in it. fuck i even feel bad admitting i like watching law and order special victims unit bc of its content and how often #it just goes- *wrong* but like- i realized a lot of that is bc my brain and my ocd are constantly trying to take content in critically. #trying to always shame it bc its “bad” either bc of its content or its creators and thus my ocd has a field day of turning thst around to #meam that *im* bad because i enjoy it. which isnt fucking true. i enjoy iy #which isnt true. i can know stuff is not good/great for various reasons but i can still enjoy it without that inherently make me bad #anyway bc this is tumblr im already expecting people to try to twist my words and intents to make this seem like s horrible thing #idc atm bc my head hurts from trying to just exist and relearn how to enjoy stuff without fucking purity culture and my ocd shame watching #me lile a fuckin hawk #cant wait to see how freeing it feels tho once i stop giving as much of a fuck/worry

[yuckydraws]

(Click for better quality)

Healing & Growth

(gif made by my friend @robanilla-arts is below - slight warning for flashing! Thanks again, Rob!)

#if you feel like reading it - I'm gonna ramble in the tags. #Don't really feel like having it attached to the post for forever... cause what if i just wanna reblog some fairysona art?? #anyways #this year sucked a lot. in a lot of ways. but im grateful for it. #healing is stupidly hard and annoyingly enough? not linear in the slightest. Yet infuriatingly - it is worth it. #I am far from done with healing. I've barely scratched the surface. #but im learning and connecting with myself along the way. #The biggest step I've taken this year is working on my people pleasing ways. it's a bad habit birthed from a lot of different traumas. #but it no longer rules my life. #I am not passive anymore - and surprise! that doesn't make me a horrible or evil person. #my kindness is no longer a weakness. its still a part of me and always will be. i won't let go of it. #but it is no longer to a fault #there are people undeserving of my kindness... i realize that now. I know what i will and will not put up with in every kind of relationshi #im still learning and exploring - and i've said a lot of goodbyes this year. I'm sure i will say more. #but that's okay. #some relationships are forever - some serve you for a while and teach you a lesson when they end. #and some relationships stick around and don't *have* to have a deeper connection #and that's also okay. #I didn't think I'd make it through this year in all honesty. I was very close to ending it all on multiple occasions. #But. for what it's worth - as of now im glad im here. #i will continue to struggle and have my hard times. im not naive enough to think depression just goes away. #but im okay for now and im moving forward. #there will be pauses and abrupt stops and likely some good ol' rotting involved. but when i can - ill be moving forward. #i will not speak a word of 2024 because no matter what it will have it's ups and downs. #but i will continue to keep working on myself. and that's all anyone can do in this weird life. #if you made it through all of that... uhhhh wow you got a crush on me or smth? /j/j/j/j #but fr - if you read this far... thank you. i hope you're faring well and that you have a happy celebration tonight. #sleep well and dream well when it comes to you #yucky draws #my art

[purgemarchlockdown]

Hm...

#not to be really clearly be someone with Issues on the murder prison sideblog but I've never been this deep in a community before #I always sort of rest on the sides #I still do to some extent really #so I'm just kinda waiting to be attacked #if that makes sense? #like #I feel like a fraud who's tricking people into believing that im not a fraud #and once people find out im actually a stupid horrible person I'll be chased out into the woods #...god is this why I keep on getting Kazui in those quizzes? #but like- you guys have stuck around for this much of my ramblings but how much more? When do I Start being annoying and pretentious? #has it already started and I just havent realized? #in three months will I wake up to a callout post for something I never realized was a problem? #I dont know... #vent

[actual-changeling]

the ending of episode five fucked me up because they're all healing, stede and ed are healing, realistically, in love, as both individuals and as partners. izzy is happy! fucking happy! he has friends, family, people who love him and care about him. people that stuck with ed and izzy through dark fucking times but are still willing to stick with them because that's what you do as a crew.

i don't think anyone's waiting for me

no one's waiting for me. no one. every single person i have ever cared about has left me. every. single. one. 100% probability that i will be abandoned. because when it comes down to it, i'm too much. doesn't matter what specifically did it this time, it all falls under "you're too much to deal with so i'm ditching you". i'm saying this as neutrally as possible btw. i'm forced to live for myself because there is no one else and that is both a little bit of a good thing and a giant pile of 'fucking shoot me already'.

this entire season i just stabbing me right into my most sensitive trauma memories over and over again, and i'm bleeding out on the roadside and about to be run over by a car.

#alex gets personal #ofmd2 #just. venting so my heads empty before bed #'youre not too much' they say before leaving me because i've become too much #like bro i dont even know what im doing or whats wrong with me outside of the obvious #im just a horrible person no one wants to be around apparently and i mean that 100% seriously #i carry so much pain with me and whenever it spills out during a panic attack or while crying or both #it's like trying to empty an ocean through a straw #sure you'll get a few drops #maybe even half a cup #but you still have a fucking ocean left and you know that no matter how hard you try #time is against you and you will die before you empty that bitch #ed saying i dont think anyones waiting for me is stuck in my head and i cannot get it out #i was just looping it in my mind while sobbing so hard i almost passed out </3 casual thursday night experiences

[unicornsaures]

my amrev mooties watching me mass reblog the outsiders stuff and probably being extremely confused or something

#im hoping you guys read the outsiders in school #ive actually read the outsiders twice in school ? #urgg my outsiders phase in like 7th grade comin back around #two very conflicting fandoms might i add #but also im not very invested in the fandom #i just think dallas is cool #shameless dally apologist #i KNOW he was a shitty person throughout the book and whatnot #and he was probably a horrible influence #but he hit. kinda close to home #that mutually obsessive relationship w/ johnny ohmmygod #its just :( #ME TOO!! #trying to kys over your fp is extremely real and unfortunately i completely get it #and his IMPULSIVENESS #AND HIS PUSHING AWAY OF EVERY EMOTION AND BASICALLY BEING A TICKING TIME BOMB AUGH #i will SHAMELESSLY say that dally is my favorite #i like johnny and pony and two bit and soda and whatnot #but dally just hits WAY too hard #imcrying over his entire dynamic with johnny actually #because i GET IT #i udnerstand it way too hard:( #mutual obsession and then fucking destroying each other in the process is VERY REAL #AND I HATE IT #BECAUSE I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IT!!! #ive said id kms if my fp died way too many times and i 100% meant it #COUGH because girly tried COUGH #okay im just lore dumping in yhe tags #moral og the story is doli is insane and relates way too hard to dally to be normal #dolirants

[veronicathegoddess]

i hate when someone invites me to like do something or go somewhere but they also invite someone i dislike, that they know i dislike and when i say i don't want to come because that person is there they're like it's fine, just ignore them...because i want to spend money i barely even have to spend time around people that have hurt me????? like if i don't like the person, idc who else is there and if i can ignore them, i'm not gonna put myself into a situation like that and idk why that's so hard for people to get

#my friends birthday is tomorrow #and she decided to spring a last minute plan on me to go to some hotel and stay for the weekend #which is a horrible idea for several reasons #we used to be a trio and then the other girl stopped talking to me because she was jealous #and we havent spoken in a year but they’re still friends #i hate her #she hates me #and we dont see each other and i want to keep it that way #secondly i hate last minute plans #it gives me unnecessary anxiety #thirdly the other person who's coming we aren't that close #so its just a mess all around #and lastly i literally told her i cant afford this because my internship hasn't paid me #i have less than 200 bucks to my name rn because idk when im gonna get paid #and shes like oh well ill lend it to you and you can just pay me back #like the issue isnt just not having the money rn #its that this is the type of thing id have to save for in advance #even if i borrowed the money from her #itd still put me out because i simply cant afford it #and its perplexing to me why she cant understand why a last minute overnight trip to a hotel isnt something everyone can just drop money on #especially in this fucking economy #i think i need better friends #rants and ramblings

[eldragon-x]

thinking about that wretched triangle again

#*clenches fist* bill really is just. such a character. #like I think it actually matters a lot that hes not just a force of evil that drives conflict but a Person whose circumstances and choices #made him into the villain of this story. theres so much he has in common with the pines when you look at it but the way he deals with #things and interacts with people around him in ways that go against the themes and virtues of the show is why hes the main antagonist #at the core of it he really is a dark mirror to mabel and ford and stan #and it Makes Sense for him to be more than just an evil for the sake of evil because he is an embodiment of weirdness in a show about #accepting and embracing weirdness #and at the end of the day despite all the horrible shit hes done there is the axolotl willing to reach out a hand to him and give him the #chance to finally grow and leave behind his terrible methods #because at the end of the day hes not done himself any favours. he only isolated himself like ford did and chose to live in idealized #denial like mabel did but unlike them he has not grown and gotten out of it. but he may yet. #im so so normal abt him

[upsidedowngrass]

im thinking abt liam and bryce SO much rn now. theyre dynamic is so. sorry liam. sorry bryce

#neither of them have done anything wrong and are simply two diff ppl w two diff personalities and two diff thought processes #responding to the same single event . that they didnt deserve to have to respond to but now they just Have To #and both of them regard the other w a sort of desperation around the events of s1 but in a different way #that they respond one way that contradicts how the other does #liam doesnt care what happens to himself but bryce doesnt want to lose everything #its very realistic and very tragic because they were both important for each other but the opposite of what each other wanted at all #bryce wanted to finally heal. from everything. and whether or not ignoring one was a healthy way to do so was irrelevant #he just wanted to finally heal #and liam just. he doesnt care about His Own Life. he just wants to do this One Thing at All Costs. and no one else can help him. #he wants to be known by someone. anyone really. because he cant do any of it alone but its all he knows to do now #and nothing else matters to him #the two are just. theyre so complicated and im emotional abt it #i thinka bt it a lot but i think a good way to put it is #wrt the trolley problem? liam would pull the lever. bryce wouldnt #anyway. that piece os soooo. thinks abt them forever #i think every combination of characters in one is extremely tragic #bc its normal ppl responding to a horrible situation they didnt deserve to be in but now have to respond to #and sometimes they conflict. sometimes they hurt another person when the intent was to help. sometimes its solace in the worst of ones life #but all of them are so. i think abt it a lot liam and bryce are just now the specific ones on my mind cus of my most recent rb

[yuridovewing]

“Ough Cinders wasnt a good person… she didnt want kids.” Okay so I’m already Team Cinders purely from a technical standpoint

#not saying people who dont want kids who are pressured into having them are incapable of being bad parents ofc #‘’shouldnt have been a parent but had kids anyways’’ is something you hear about shitty parents for a good reason #but given lizardstripes situation its pretty clear that ‘’didnt want kids’’ is code for ‘’disgusting woman’’ to the writers #also where im at they blame sols dad not being around on cinders cause ‘’she complains a lot’’ #(bc he doesnt feed their kids and fucks off for months at a time but thats her fault cause shes a whiny bitch’’ #she doesnt seem as stock cartoon evil as lizard did at least. though there are hints of it #‘’gasp…. she didnt give them NAMES’’ #wc comics liveread #idk these sorts of plotlines just remind me of why i like times arrow from bojack horseman so much #cause like. beatrice is still a horrible person who abused her son. but the narrative recognizes that shes also an abuse victim #and its a horrible situation all around where she perpetuated the cycle and stuff #idk sorry if some of this is incomprehensible im sorta half asleep rn

[ourhouseishaunted]

70% of my trigun thoughts are abt how plants (independent and dependant) work and what they symbolize and their relationships with other characters and the world and stuff and the implications of independent plants coming with the earth forces and what it says about how earth has progressed since SEEDS left the planet, 20% of my thoughts are "hope those guys (meryl milly vash livio ww knives) are having fun" and 10% is rotating trimax Rem Saverem around in my head at all times

#i think abt rem a lot for a character that is like important but also isnt materially present in the story much #like idk her relationship with grief and regret and the idea of her looking at the shambles of her life and having to say #'well at least i can start over since theres nothing left for me' multiple times (after alex dies and she joins seeds #and after failing to keep tesla alive and getting a 'second chance' with vash and knives) idk its just so fascinating to me #and her idea of a blank ticket to the future and what it means in terms of how vash shapes his worldview in trimax #where it seems to be about how. death stops all future potential of a person. if they die they can never get better they dont learn #they cant change and experience consequence #like smth i find fascinating in trimax is that vash doesnt kill people but he will let somebody that person has hurt punch them in the face #and he thanks ww for killing to save the colony that one time. hes not opposed to killing/consequence entirely #i think it comes down a lot to how rem behaved in the aftermath of him finding out about tesla. how the potential for things to get better #would have died with him or rem and it would have just stayed horrible #idk idk im Rambling im turing things around in my brain #also man my main complaint with the manga is i wish it focused on the dependant plants more. they clearly experienced a big emotional #struggle esp in the final volumes and i wish we got to see more of it #but also i just like the wacky small town hijinks esp in the 98 anime i love when the main cast is just goofin around. i think they should #get to goof more #trigun #.txt #Dont Look At This Post Man its EMBARRASSING nobody should let me talk abt anything #the secret special bonus tjoughts are about chronica bc she fascinates me but i cant draw her good the way i can draw meryl and rem :(

[raksh-writes]

Ugh, I have one of two super hard, super important exams tomorrow and Im so damned stressed out about it. It's supposed to be like an hour long, 10 questions and 5 minutes for each type of exam, but my doc with notes is like 50 pages long and Im sitting here wondering how am I gonna compile a few pages of notes into an answer short enough to type up in 5 minutes? Not to mention, my wrists and fingers are gonna be screaming at me after the first couple of questions too, it's gonna be miserable.

The only saving grace is the fact it's an online exam, so Im pretty sure we'll be able to have our doc with compiled notes pulled up for some help. I'd be cooked without it. There's so much material and I should be revising the notes to make them more concise but my brain just won't work, the brain fog's being awful, so of course my anxiety is having a field day too. Ugh. I dunno, I guess I just hoped to throw out some of it by typing it down. Maybe it'll help...

#personal #vent #dunno if it's the two year break from uni #or getting over the 25 years old line #or going through covid (prob several times) throughout the years #but studying is so much harder than it used to be #I used to retain a lot of info just from being in classes #and being able to soak up quite a bit just on the couple days before the exams #but now it's like I have some kind of film around my brain #that prevents the info from sticking #it's awful #I'll need to make more effort in studying regularly now which Im Horrible at #but for now my only hope is I'll be able to pass these two exams with all those compiled notes #or it's gonna be bye bye uni again

[toytulini]

would be cool this yr to do like first aid training maybe?

#toy txt post #hope i can. get an opportunity to do that. not sure when. the horrors and inability to commit to things u see #but i think i should do that #at some point. altho i feel like i will almost certainly have to do CPR training? and like. like it seems like useful knowledge. and like. #i should know it and maybe im the worst person in existence for this but im a bit of a germaphobe and scared of covid and im not taking my #mask off so like. feels like. that is pretty mutually exclusive with CPR unless thereve been advancements im not aware of? #like would i be able to carry around some sort of billows but for human lungs to do that instead of my mouth? idk. this has in fact been #a legitimate hurdle to me wanting to pursue first aid training. sorry. genuinely dont know how to reconcile that and maybe! in a crisis #situation id overcome it to save a person. genuinely do not know. sorry im like a selfish horrible bitch tho and i cant see myself #doing CPR and am icked by the idea of even learning it. i know now they make those things to put on someones mouth but its still like. #that doesnt do anything against respiratory shit...idk. like is it worse to not pursue any of this at all to avoid the ethical quandry of #not wanting to deal with CPR even as a concept bc im a stupid baby squicked out by lip touching? or is it worse to do first aid and learn #like everything except CPR so i could still theoretically help in some cases that arent necessarily CPR. idk. im sure im just a Bad Person #for this and hate to even admit it. i think i should at least try to find a stop the bleed course or smth ig

[hella1975]

hella idk what to send to you for aftg im either bored or annoyed and I don't wanna just say bad things about it 😭 like that's just rude and yall obviously like it I DONT WANNA BE SOME DEBBY DOWNER MDMWKEM

I looked at the anti aftg tag too to see if I could intermingle there and last I checked it was a mix of fans obsessed with the series and haters being just a tad harsh imo, so i couldn't even do that RIP. I'm so lonesome in what is maybe a whole group of people gaslighting me 😔👊

honestly ive said this before and i always have to tread a very fine line with it because this isn't me saying it's OKAY or like. promotable. but i do think to an extent that aftg's problematicness is actually an aspect of what draws people in a lot. like the characters and their reactions to things feel real for who they are, what they've been through and the environments they were raised in if that makes sense? and then you go in the anti-aftg tag and it's just again and again 'they said THIS thing and acted THIS way in response to THIS scenario and it was PROBLEMATIC' and like. yeah. outside of the internet bubble you're in people do actually do that. like that behaviour exists. it IS problematic, well done. you pointed at a wall and called it a wall. but like? in real life people - PARTICULARLY deprived, traumatised people that typically don't ever get therapy or community or someone telling them why something is bad - DO act this way. ive said half of my love for andrew is literally just because he took an awful backstory and let it make him a complete cunt and ive NEVER seen a character do it as shamelessly as him before. and yeah there's the argument for how it's never resolved in the book where nora ties it with a bow and points at the bad behaviour so the readers can go 'see, this is wrong' and we all clap, but idk it just for me feels that when people point at the aftg characters and go problematic! problematic! problematic! it's like they're missing the point a bit.

the point being? that we need to be putting WAY more heat on the author. i really dislike her and a lot of her writing choices and her insistance of using slurs that aren't hers to reclaim and just because it happened to make the characters feel just that bit more authentic i can still acknowledge that she CLEARLY wrote it without characterisation in mind and just added all that problematic shit anyway. like i never get why there's so little focus on nora's writing decisions and thousands of posts just fucking CRUCIFYING the characters themselves and 'let's explain in detail why this behaviour is Morally Reprehensible and they should be Locked Up Forever'. like if u want to focus on the characters so bad and pretend they're the sole reason why aftg is Problematic and Bad then why is it so hard to acknowledge that someone raised the way they were might have some misinformed, ignorant beliefs. idk lol

#but i do also think im prone to viewing these characters as TOO real and i understand there's a line to be drawn between media and reality #like at what point does 'life imitates art' become just a genuinely shit piece of media #and at the end of the day im fully aware which end of the spectrum aftg is on LMAO but this is my 2 cents #like ive met so many people that have said absolutely heinous things that the internet would eat them alive for #like homophobic sexist shit you name it they've said it and it IS problematic and uncomfortable to listen to #but i also know that while teenagers online that would call them problematic were busy claiming some new fucking buzz word to throw around #those people were actively just fucking trying to survive. like they weren't learning about why misogyny is bad #because they were fucking addicted to drugs or living through poverty or some shit like they had BIGGER PROBLEMS #like not everyone got the education or life experiences you got and while it's valid to assume someone saying horrible things #is horrible themselves there's also the times it's just genuinely a misinformed ignorant person #like they'll say 'problematic' things and i'll point out why it's bad and they'll literally go 'oh i never thought of that.' that's it!!! #like i have this childhood friend whose life has been an absolute circus start to finish like COMPLETE instability i wont even get into it #low and behold she had NO ONE educating her about things and one time i had to explain to her why having abortion rights was important #bc she just out of nowhere said she was against abortions. and i initially was outraged and disappointed that this came from her #but i didn't patronise her or shout i just explained my angle on why i think they're good and she was on side immediately #cause she always had bigger problems than researching ethics and no one to guide her so she just absorbed the first opinion she came across #and in a small town from a working class family that opinion is typically not the nice woke answer the internet demands #and with aftg particularly andrew bc he's the one who gets a lot of slack for being violent and generally unreasonable #you have someone who has literally not had someone treat him kindly a single time in his life and each new person is a genuine safety threa #like the average person just does not have to deal with that! ofc they have more time to decide their political and moral compass! #and that's so relevant to real life! popularity for the monarchy is highest amongst the working class! the people voted for brexit! trump! #the lower classes and marginalised simply do not have the resources that higher classes do #and someone fighting for survival is not going to be reading twitter threads on cancel culture in their spare time #so many issues in the world can be eased so much quicker by kindness and patient non-patronising education #than just. pointing and calling 'problematic' at anything remotely uncomfortable #idk where this came from its 2am i should go to bed and instead im ranting not even about aftg anmore this is completely it's own thing now #i feel like i worded this badly too im gonna wake up to anons in the morning accusing me of like. condoning spiking #also gloomy i am SO sorry you are the true victim of this i went ENTIRELY off piste on this one please ignore this 😭 #ask

[zroqravity]

</3

#im legit tearing up rn #everything hes been through #his time in prison was glossed over so quickly #just imagine how horrible it was #ik hes not a great person #but DAMN #around like 20 years in the prison #and then he gets out and his son isnt his son anymore #and his late wife is alive and with someone else #the same someone who stole his son #i just want to hug him #the torture hes been through #i love him so much </3 #(totally not crying bc of my own drawing and thoughts about this arc rn) #dndads liveblogging #my doodles #glenn close