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wistfulwatcher · 3 years

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Hello I saw your tag on that "im 25 and dying post" please tell us how it got better for you. Im 26, still living with parents, currently having a fight with my boyfriend, and i still have a year until I get my bachelors. The comparison to everyone younger than me is killing me.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling, but I hope you can take some solace in the fact that that post has a lot of notes and you are absolutely not alone in feeling the way you do! I can certainly try and share my experience, but unfortunately I think the biggest factor is just time (and like, a buttload of self-reflection).

I moved back home after college and worked full time at an administrative job I was doing during school breaks. I majored in psychology and anthropology in college, and was planning to eventually go into forensic psychology, but wasn't interested in going straight into grad school. So I did that administrative job for about a year, and tried to find something that was a bit more stable and at least semi-related to my field. I did end up finding a new job when I was 23 - stable, semi-related to my field (a psych/research background was required), and decent pay (especially as I was still living at home). Exactly what I needed, since I still wasn't ready to start looking into grad school.

I was doing pretty well, until I started getting comfortable at that job, and then I started getting hit with the "I'm not doing enough," and "I need to look into grad school," and "will I ever find a boyfriend?" (friendly reminder that 23-year-old me thought she was straight, yikes), "how will I afford to move out, I have to save my money and do it soon!", "I'm not doing anything but watching TV, I'm wasting my life," "I'm lonely, but I'm too tired to try and make friends," etc., etc.

But it wasn't constant. I'd have a flurry of those questions and fears, and then days where I was just living life and doing my job and taking care of my dogs, without any of that. And I don't think I felt good or particularly comfortable those days, it was more like I just wasn't actively thinking about it, like when you feel "good" after a physical pain goes away and you're just normal.

Eventually, I started thinking about all of these concerns I had, and the fact that it felt like it was URGENT whenever I thought about them. It felt like I needed to get my shit together immediately. I also started to acknowledge that there was this big sense of guilt around those concerns; I was too old to be living at home, I was too old to be single, I was too old not to be starting a career. I felt like I was wasting my life (cue the guilt), and I realized that part of why I felt like I was wasting it was that I felt like I was missing milestones I wouldn't be able to do at a later time because the older I was past "normal" the more humiliating it would be to try (cue the shame and embarrassment, hard).

I also started to doubt that I wanted to go into forensic psychology. More importantly, I started to seriously doubt that I wanted a "career" at all. My job (as I kept that same semi-related to my field one) was absolutely a job, not a career. And I think this was a huge tipping point for me, because a career had always been a given in my life. I'm passionate about what I'm interested in, so it literally just never occurred to me that I would be content with a job. I also started acknowledging that I had some messed up associations about being content with a job meaning that I was lazy (because the only way to be ambitious is with a career and, more damaging, a lack of ambition is fundamentally bad).

Now, I need to clarify that all of the above occurred over the course of years. I was constantly seeing "friends" (i.e., of the facebook variety) go to grad school, start careers, get married, buy homes, etc. And with all of that alongside the entire mess I've outlined in the above paragraphs, it was really, really, tough. It gets hard to find a foothold in better thinking, I believe, when seeing all of these people (some younger) doing things "right" was really just compounding my guilt and shame. (I feel like it's worth mentioning, too, that I was always "an individual" growing up, march-to-the-beat-of-my-own-drummer, yada yada. I feel like that's worth pointing out for others who may be in the same boat, because I think it can lead to another layer of shame in comparing yourself to those around you - especially if it's a big part of your identity that you DON'T do that, because I think it's inevitable as you get older, and you're looking to reach these milestones that prove you're an adult.)

So, here I am, acknowledging that I feel guilt and shame about what I'm not doing. And suddenly I ask myself my first really important question: Do I want a career? The question hot on its heels is: Do I want to go to grad school? Honestly, my answer is no. There is nothing in me that's excited by the prospect. But what, does that mean I'm just going to work my job for the rest of my life? How is giving up going to make me feel better about Not Doing Enough?

As I'm opening this door (remember, years), three things happen: 1) I realize I'm gay, 2) I watch Dirty 30, 3) I start playing D&D.

First, realizing I'm gay. Woohoo! Not only was this exciting because girls are amazing, but it made me seriously look at myself. Realizing I had spent 25 years assuming one thing about myself that turned out to be completely wrong made me question everything for a while. I started to ask myself, "Do I really like this?" more often, which seems like a really obvious question, but I'm not convinced that it's one people ask themselves consciously all that often. But once I did, I realized how freeing it was to answer, "No," and move on to something I did like.

Second, I watched Dirty 30, the Grace Helbig/Mamrie Hart/Hannah Hart movie. It feels dramatic to say that it changed my life, but the older I get the more I honestly think it did. Mamrie Hart's character is a dental hygienist who is freaking out about turning 30 and feeling very much like that text post I reblogged. But (spoilers), at the end of the movie, she decides that she loves her job (job, not career!) because it's comfortable and she has fun at work, and that it makes her happy. She has other things going on, but the idea that a character in a film is content with her job and choosing to "settle" into her life as-is and she's genuinely happy about it? I honestly can't think of a single other time I've seen that happen on-screen. I still think about that ending very often. And after seeing it, I started to ask myself another question regularly: "Am I happy?" Again, this feels pretty obvious, but I think there is something incredibly empowering about making sure you are happy on a regular basis, instead of just assuming that you're fine until something hurts.

Third, I started playing D&D. This is not a plug for D&D! (Well, maybe a little.) One thing that happened to me when I started to get into the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion mess of my mid-20s was that I got very much into a routine of go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep, be totally brain-dead on the weekend, repeat. I found it very difficult to feel creative because I was just wiped, and as all of my creative outlets (gifs, fanfic) are self-motivated, it was really easy to brush them off. I ended up starting Critical Role (this is also not a plug for CR! well, maybe), and I wanted to give D&D a try myself. (I was VERY lucky - my best friend happened to be listening to the Adventure Zone at the same time I started CR, and she wanted to try to run a game. The stars truly aligned!)

I started playing, then DMing, and found that it was a great fit for my interests. I used to be a theatre kid, and I was getting to act again (something I didn't realize I was missing). I was getting to build and flesh out characters, which is what I love the most about writing fanfic. I was also discovering that I was stretching myself - world building and plot had never been my strong suit, but as a DM it became the majority of my creative effort. It gave me soft deadlines with people I didn't want to let down, and it made me truly social again for the first time since college. Essentially, it was filling in all of the gaps of what I felt lacking in my life. This isn't a D&D plug because it wasn't D&D specifically, but rather a hobby that satisfied what was missing in my life. For example, I didn't realize how isolated I was before D&D until I had regular interactions with friends, and that isolation absolutely made the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion worse.

D&D gave me that final push to realize that I was OK with having a job and being passionate about hobbies instead of trying to fit myself into a career, because I was getting out of that hobby what I had been convinced I would get out of a career. I started to really value that I could punch out and go have fun doing exactly what I wanted to do. (It feels so obvious as I type this, but it took me a long time to get here! Sometimes it really is that simple!)

The above is specific to my job vs. career struggle which may not be in the mix of things you're struggling with. But what I do think is universal/can be your take away, is that sometimes you just have to actively choose to let go of the pressure to be doing things. Which, I know, sounds so much easier than it is (and part of why I think it just takes time/is part of growing older). But I think it's something that can be worked at over time, by checking in with yourself about what you feel, why you feel it, and what you need to make yourself feel better in the present.

It's been 6 years since I started that semi-related job, and I'm still there. I still live with my mom. I'm still single. My circumstances have not changed since 24, but honestly? I'm OK. When I check in with myself about it, I do enjoy living with my mom and our dogs (even though I'm 30 and "real" adults move out). I am happy more often than I'm not (much more, actually!). I have a job that allows me to be done after 8 hours, and I have hobbies I look forward to doing each night (and the energy to do them, most of the time). My weekends are free to play D&D with my friends and laugh until I cry. That is what I've worked out as my definition of what I want life to be right now. You'll notice it includes none of the "milestones" that those younger than me have hit.

As I noted on that text post tag, I still struggle with this. I definitely have days where I think, I'm a mess, I'm not DOING anything. It's hard. But time does help, those days become fewer and farther between.

I know that was probably a hundred times longer than you wanted it to be, but I did want to illustrate just how much of a process it is. It takes time. My summary advice is to check in with yourself often, be honest about what you want and what you need, do not let anyone else define where you "should" be. And if you aren't living life how you want to be, identify what you can do (however small) to make yourself feel like you're getting closer.

#ask #me #personal #i am so sorry this is a novel #i hope that it helps you even a little!#can you believe i can write about myself for 2 hours? embarrassing lmao #long post

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robynsaurr · 4 years

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Goh comforts Ash (fanfic!)

Authors note: hello cherries :) This fic discusses a lot about depression/mental health. Depression is something I suffer with, and a coping mechanism I use is venting out my emotions through writing. As always, there won't be anything too heavy in this fic. Enjoy :) Goh couldn't entirely place when the change in Ash happened.

One moment he was the loud, excitable and happy kid Goh was used to. His smile was enough to brighten anyone's day, his laughter was enough to light up the every star in the sky.

But one day it all seemed to change. That shine in his eyes hollowed, always appearing dark and haunted. He smiled less, and whenever he did his eyes wouldn't light up. It looked forced.

At first he'd tried to make an effort, although even getting out of bed appeared to be exhausting. His voice become monotone and emotionless.

Maybe it was a good thing Ash wasn't the best at acting or nobody would've known he wasn't okay.

And Goh hurt because Ash was hurting. Because he bottled everything up inside and wouldn't tell a soul about what was going on in his head.

He almost felt hurt that Ash wouldn't tell him what was wrong. They were best friends now, why couldn't Ash trust him?

But then this is Ash we're talking about. Goh recalled the day Ash had become sick. He didnt say anything all day, until he eventually collapsed.

Ash was just like that, anything about Pokémon battling and he wouldn't shut up for days, but it seemed like he'd rather be shocked ten times in a row by Pikachu's thunderbolt rather than talk about his feelings.

It was nearly 5am on a Tuesday morning, and Goh had just woken uo after a disturbed sleep, tossing and turning as he thought about Ash.

He didn't have to be up early. Usually the alarm would sound at 10am. But Goh couldn't sleep.

He got dressed and brushed his teeth, then walked over to Ash's sleeping form om the lower bunk.

Goh gently shook his shoulder.

"Ash. Ash!" He whispered loudly.

Ash groaned, waking up more easily than he usually does. The amber sunlight shone in through the crack between the curtain, hurting his tired eyes. "Goh, it's early" he grumbled.

"So? You were barely asleep anyway. You never wake up that quick" Goh watched as Ash rapidly blinked his eyes, waking up properly now.

"What is it?"

"I need to talk to you. Get dressed, We're going out"

Confused, Ash reluctantly pulled a shirt and a pair of pants out his drawer. He got dressed, cramming his hat down on his knotted, messy hair.

Goh took him by his wrist, leaving the room. It was just them, Pikachu was still asleep on Ash's bed.

They both walked silently, past the town, into a more desolate area. It was a small grassy cliff by a large tree that looked over the town. The sky was lit up by a soft morning glow of ambers and oranges as the sun began to rise on the early winter morning.

It was truly beautiful, Goh and Ash stood by eachother, just taking in the scenery.

Ash turned his head to look at Goh. "Why'd you take me here?"

"I just wanted to watch the sun rise"

For a moment or two, there was silence, and all they felt was the cold winter air stinging their skin.

"And I need to talk to you, Ash"

Ash swallowed, suddenly feeling slightly nervous. "About what?"

"You. You've been different lately. Please, just tell me what's wrong"

Ash opened his mouth, but Goh cut in before he could protest.

"And don't tell me its nothing because I know it's not!"

Ash nodded, and he was quiet for a moment. After a long pause, he shut his eyes and sighed.

"I-I have something wrong with me"

He had his eyes closed. His cheeks were burning with shame and his fingers were curled into fists.

Before Goh could question him, he continued.

"It started happening two years back. Whenever winter came round... things just got worse. Getting out of bed was hard... I couldn't eat, I just felt so sad all the time. All I wanted to do was cry..." Ash had his head turned away from Goh, staring into the distance.

"I could hide it at first. Until it began to get worse... I told my mum. She took me to a doctor" Ash swallowed, taking a deep breath. "He said I had something called seasonal affective disorder. He gave me pills for it, although they didn't really do much. No one else knew apart from Mum. It felt embarrassing, shameful, I d-didn't want anyone else to know..."

"Ash..." Goh put a hand on his shoulder. "Is that all it is?"

Ash blinked, stunned. He still had his head turned, like he was confessing a deep, dark secret.

"It's okay. It happens, people suffer from these things. It's not shameful, it's not a bad thing." Goh paused, looking at Ash, who had tears brimming in his eyes. "It's a part of life. And it's not a nice thing to feel, but if you talk to people... we can help you. People care about you, Ash. I care about you. And we want you to be okay"

Tears were spilling down Ash's cheeks.

"Ash..." Goh continued. "I don't want the Ash who fakes a smile. I want the real Ash. You don't have to fake anything anymore. I'm here for you"

Ash didn't move. He was stunned by Goh's words. He hadn't expected them at all.

He thought he'd laugh at him, tell him he was an attention seeker. Or think he was weak or a coward.

Goh tilted Ash's chin up with his hand. Ash looked up into his eyes.

"Th-thank you”

Goh wrapped his arms round him, and they stood, wrapped in eachothers embrace for several minutes.

"Ash? Let's take a break from research or training today. We can look around the shops for souvenirs and go to the beach together instead"

Ash smiled, his first genuine smile in weeks.

"Sounds good.

Authors note: I am sorry for the lack of quality in this fic! i wrote it as a coping mechanism so it's not the best, but i still hope you enjoyed. much love <3

(also yes i wrote “mum” instead of “mom” im sorry sadly i am british 😔✌)

#journeyshipping #fatedencountershipping #firstfriendshipping #ash x gou #ash x goh #satoshi x gou #satoshi #ash #Ash Ketchum #goh #gou #pokemon #angst #anipoke #fanfic #fanfiction #hurt #comfort #satogou

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felinelikewriting-blog · 5 years

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Kitten on the roof

@alazic02 uh hi I wrote the prompt, Don’t worry about sending anything I did this purely for fun, I’m not too experienced in fanfic so pls forgive and im waay to shy to do this on my main blog so i created an entirely new blog purely for the purposes of this. But I hope you enjoy anyway! -----

The crisp night air was oddly pleasant for winter as Chat Noir jumped across rooftops enjoying his freedom. He started out the run just needing to clear his head, He’s been in a rather solemn mood recently. It wasn’t a patrol night but it “never hurt to be extra vigilant”, he would tell his lady if he were to be questioned on it.

Ladybug, if only she were out on this lovely evening. He doubted it, she’d probably be fast asleep or at least warm and cozy with her family enjoying a nice friday night in. Or maybe she was one of the late night party goers who enjoyed dancing and social events? Maybe he even met her in her civilian form on the occasions he would stop for a photo with them.

Ladybug seemed like the responsible type but he had no idea how she acted in her civilian form, the differences were stark contrast for himself. They were still one and the same, but different aspects shone through depending on which mask he wore. He’d only seen hints of ladybugs civilian self, a small smile, chuckle or fond look... A bit off sass, some cheek and the smell of cookies. She had a sense of familiarity and warmth that just got his heart racing whenever he thought of her.

He was feeling better already, What better way to distract himself from his worries then romance? His mind swimming with possibilities and far off fantasies, no better time to practice his sweet-talking, alone on a quiet roof where he could be a love-struck fool.

However, someone ought to tell that kitten to be mindful of which roof he chooses.

-0-

“The stars-…. -beautiful-….. -your face milady” Marinette was awoken by the muffled sounds of a familiar voice coming from somewhere nearby. She wondered briefly how the hell Chat Noir got into her room. That was until she woke up a bit more and realized it was coming from outside, her rooftop to be exact.

“If you were the galaxy i’d be...wait no that one's stupid.” She yawned, still confused but listened in, was he on the phone? On her rooftop? The hell was going on?

“If only I could see the ocean my lady, it’d be easier to remember the beauty of your eyes that way.” He declared and it dawned on Marinette what he was doing, she had to suppress her giggles as she positioned herself on her bed so she could hear him better.

“Whenever we transform I look forward to seeing red- no, nope definitely not” He cut himself off and she couldn’t hide her smile as she thought of how he looked, practicing serenades to her like the smitten dork he was, It was, dare she think it. Cute?

“These don’t work.” She heard him say he went silent in what she could only assume was contemplation, regardless she was having quite the entertaining evening.

“Ladybug, whenever I see you you make me happy, I’m honored to be your friend, confidant and partner, you mean more to me than you could ever know” He said in a softer tone and she froze, her smile gone, surprise and a blush crossing her features. This was a turn she did not expect. When he said he loved ladybug he wasn’t kidding. She took a deep breath and tried to ignore the increased beating of her heart.

“Your smile lights a fire in my chest every time I see you I can barely think straight… No way... It’s too long and sappy… Ugh this is harder than I thought.” He lamented, his earnest confessions leaving her mind reeling, she hated what his honesty was doing to her. The fun was over and he didn’t seem like he was leaving anytime soon, She should probably get him a snack or two and reveal herself so he stops... what he’s doing.

“I love you” He said and she hurried downstairs to grab him some sweets, pretending she didn’t hear that last part.

-0-

“I have cookies.” A voice came from behind him and he squealed. Closer to that of a cat than a man.

“Wha- How what, um, who, Hi Marinette how long have you, what are you doing here?” He said as she came up from her trapdoor with a plate of said cookies.

“Long enough and I live here.” She said, He noticed she did in fact live here, just now realizing he was doing something this embarrassing on a classmate's house. Thank god she didn’t know it was Adrien.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, a blush evident on her features although Chat wasn’t sure why, His blush however was well justified.

“Ugh uhh patrol.” He said knowing full well that she’d know even if he was supposed to be on patrol it was not what he was doing. There was silence as she seemed to compose herself. When she didn’t say anything he felt compelled to talk.

“Uhh sorry you had to hear that princess, I uh.” He fizzled out into silence as Marinette, between the heavy duty task of ignoring her chest and holding the plate silently noted that this was the first time she’d ever really seen Chat speechless like this.

It would have been pleasant if she wasn’t so tense.

“I’m not that good at romance.” He stated and snatched a cookie before shoving it in his mouth as if to avoid more of an explanation, at least for a few seconds.

“You’re not?” Marinette asked before her brain told her to leave well enough alone.

There was a lull in conversation as he chewed while Marinette asked herself why she was stupid enough for coming up here when she could have just as easily plugged in some headphones and listened to music until he left.

“You’re asking me after what you just saw? I’m a superhero and I made a complete idiot of myself.” He nearly mumbled the last part and the shame she saw on his downcast face stirred something within Marinette.

“You’re a complete dork, fool maybe... But you’re not a idiot.” She corrected, Chat snorted.

“...It’s kind of sweet.” She said and felt heat rush to her face when his head snapped to her. She gulped.

“I-i mean Its cheesy... and dumb, but it’s cute that you think so hard just to find a compliment for her, Honestly I thought you just made it up on the spot.” What was she saying? Now look who’s making an idiot of themself. Chat however was studying her face. Then he smiled.

“Some of them just come to me.” He said, His embarrassed mood recovering, she was glad.

“Of course.” She replied.

They fell into an awkward silence and Marinette felt an urge to break it, the more time went on the more scrambled for something to say.

“You should try the more genuine confessions next time.” She blurted and immediately regretted it. It wasn’t bad advice for sure but it was advice to use on her and she was in love with Adrien and he would only get let down, stupid Marinette stupi-

“I’d only get let down.” He admitted, defeated and that silenced her thoughts. At her dumbfounded look he continued.

“She has her eyes elsewhere, She’s not looking at someone like me.” Chat said and Marinette had no words, How do you comfort someone who’s unrequited love is you? This unusual situation put her in quite the awkward position. But Chat was someone precious to her too, so she did the only thing that came to mind, She hugged him.

His surprise was audible, but he soon settled in to it.

“Sorry.” Chat said and Marinette giggled in confusion.

“Why are you sorry?” she asked

“For being a downer? Ruining your night? Something like that.” He supplied

“Don’t be an idiot.” She chided and she got a small laugh for it.

“I’ll do my best princess.” He said as they pulled apart, slowly, reluctantly... And they both sensed it. There was a different tension between them now. Chats eyes met hers and they hesitated, the night air suddenly wasn’t so cold anymore. She felt him move closer and her breath hitched, but she closed her eyes and waited. A moment passed before she felt him pull away slightly and she reopened her eyes.

“Thank you Marinette.” He said avoiding eye contact, Whatever had come over him a few moments prior had obviously faded.

“No-No problem” She said, breathy. Whatever had come over him? Whatever had come over her! Where had this sudden wave of affection come from? She was acting very strangely for a girl supposedly in love with another guy. Why was her heart beating so fast around chat all of a sudden? She didn’t want an answer to that.

“I uhh, I should probably head home.” Chats words sliced through her thoughts.

“Oh, uh, yeah it is getting late.” She reasoned, trying to control her traitorous feelings. Chat didn’t leave though, as if he wanted to say something else, but ultimately decided against it, With an awkward salute he hopped up onto the balcony rail

“Well Princess, Thanks for the Chat, I’ll keep my, uh, practice to myself from now on.” He said regaining a bit of his former self as he prepared to leave

“Wait” She said just before he was about to jump off.

“Ye-” He began but before he could react she planted a kiss on his cheek. He stared at her in shock.

“Come back anytime if you need to, Chaton.” She offered with a sudden surge of confidence as she backed towards her trapdoor, She quickly headed back inside trying to hide the raging blush that came back with a vengeance, Missing that he was sporting one of his own.

“Chaton...” Chat smiled to himself at the cute pet name, Not realizing that smile didn’t wear off until long after he returned home.

#marichat #I don't usually write on my main so...

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