#im really not sure what else was my fucking problem but i genuinely felt like i was being psychologically tortured

[bitegore]

god i really forgot that every business management professor specifically is the most unpleasant human being alive for no good reason. i have two business classes with like econ and accounting professors respectively and those look fine and then oh my god if i have to go back to this class with this professor i think i might actually kill myself

#red rambles #she's not. *mean*. she is. um. fucking. i think condescendiing is the word #she made us do a kahoot in class on questions we didn't know explicitly because she knew we didn't know them. i hate kahoots #she went through the syllabus like we were children which. fine whatever every professor does that it's why i hate the first class #but she also kept going off topic to give us life advice. never give me life advice ill fucking kill you #im really not sure what else was my fucking problem but i genuinely felt like i was being psychologically tortured #also i have done one of the several assignments for the class already and they're babyshit but its going to be one of my most #busywork heavy classes and she wants us doing discussion questions every fucking week #and i have to download yet another fucking app for her class #and i need it for my degree plan but oh my GOD. i need to get the fuck out of it #im gonna try and find a different session of the class taught by a different professor and switch in #do you know how much i have to hate a class if im willing to eat two entire finished homework assignments to get out of it #eta. i take it with this professor or i take it with a different professor i know and already know i cant stand #who is also going to work us like dogs unlike this prof who is going to apparently treat us like we are 14 years old #i guess its not college if i'm not being forced to experience psychological torment for an hour and a half every couple days lol #ill just have to like eat something before that class and do my best to fortify myself before i go in and turn evil

[callias-w]

I really like Yuma's character, and I think so far, he's one of my favorite game protagonists.

I've only played up until chapter 2 of Raincode, when the peacekeepers appear, so I have no idea what happens next.

He's genuinly a good person. He goes around helping people who might need it, and feels frustrated/sad when he gets things wrong. Like when the nun of the church asks him if he can go listen to people's problems, he encounters this girl in a hoodie who is "happy". At first, I got the answer wrong, didn't think much of it, but then Yuma looked so upset for not have been able to help her, and I felt awful. He says something along the lines of "I don't think that's what she needed to hear… will she be ok?"

So obviously I had to retry. Yuma goes back, notices that something's going on with the woman, and asks her if something we cant see is hurting her. She tries to play it off, saying if she waits long enough, it'll go way. But Yuma insists, that she doesn't have to be alone, If she's scared she can go to the detective agency, that they'll help her, that there's no reason to do this alone. He says this with such conviction, and such genuine worry, scared for the woman's safety. And beceause im a sensitive bitch I almost fucking cried. I felt so relieved I retried that interaction. And Yuma looked calm.

He has the power to share, I believe. I play in spanish so idk what that power in named in english, but basically what happens is that if he holds hand with someone, he can share their power. It's pretty cool to be honest, but what that power entails is that he… can't do things alone. He needs people to also help him, and that makes him feel powerless aswell. Sure he can go around and help people for no reason but he can't bring himself to rely on others without feeling… useless. And he's so fucking real for that. He tries to fight these thoughts away, telling himself that he'll figure things out on his own, but… at the same time, he's using Shinigami's power, not his. What good is a detective, when he can't solve mysteries alone?

And so, his struggle of why he's a detective. Or why he wanted to be a detective so badly in the first place. To find justice, he tells himself, but a detective's goal isn't to impart justice. It's to find the truth. So Shinigami also imparts a kind of… justice. And eye for an eye, kind of justice, that Yuma despises. They're not only dying. You're killing them. And that's no difference from what Amaterasu corp is doing, since they're picking people and just executing them without a chance of redemption. Sure they're criminals, these people hiding the truth, but that… doesn't make them less human. And the only one that seems to notice this, is Yuma. Everyone else is so… out of touch. Halara for instance, they don't even flinch at the sight of a corpse, for them it's just another day at work. Desuhiko can't stand the sight of a corpse, but he's also terribly out of touch with humanity, like he isn't going around taking advantage of his skills to harrass women or fake anything.

Also he kinda sucks working on his own given he has no clue of what he's doing.

So yeah I like Yuma a lot. I'm hoping he resolves his internal struggles in the future and decides between this inhuman detective live, stops playing detective, or makes a path of his own.

#rain code #master detective archives: rain code #yuma kokohead #i also really like his dynamic with shinigami #like shes the epithomy of idc whats going on lets party hard and romantizice?? corpses #and hes just a tiny guy

[bluehrbs]

send me a 💏 for my muse’s reaction to seeing your muse kiss somebody else. @kennedy-leon

crushes were such a dangerous thing, it's funny how the heart is so quick to latch onto someone for any reason you can imagine. a smile or a cute laugh, a nice voice...and the there's the personality and falling in love with a personality almost always means you're fucked for life. especially when it's the kind of person that understands you better than anyone else and you've only known them for a minute. that's what it was like with leon kennedy.

from the moment he saved her to the time they spent searching for answers together it felt like he was her other half. two sides of the same coin or that red string of fate she'd once read about....it's soon to say but it almost felt like he was that for her. he was her person and she knew it would be hard to shake her, but the problem with crushes is that just because you've fallen for someone doesn't mean it's a two way street.

during their investigation of what's happened here at raccoon city and searching for her brother who she soon found was 'on vacation' they'd come across some women who claimed to be an agent, her name was ada and she instantly locked onto leon the second she laid eyes on him. claire isn't sure if it's genuine, she's still not even sure where the hell this girl came from but she kind of hates that feeling in her chest...the jealousy taking it's form inside of her like knives.

she should be worried about getting out of here and finding out where her brother really is or getting a warm shower but instead she's walking into the last thing she wants to see. they were taking a break and claire has laid sherry down to sleep as they try to figure out the next steps or get out of here that was right as she walked back into the room to find ada is leaned into leon, kissing him on the lips and kicking claire in the chest.

"shit...i-im sorry I didn't mean..." she probably didn't even need to say anything it's not like they would've noticed but a selfish side of her is saying she wants to break them apart. she can see the other women's glare but she barely looks at leon. "um... there looks like there's a hospital room down the hall and I was going to go look for supplies. sherry's going to sleep for awhile so I figured I'd check it out...I uh." she smiles dropping her gaze trying not to make herself seem so obvious. "you two just carry on, with...that."

she doesn't give much time for anyone to say anything to make her feel more stupid than she already does, walking into the room and leaning against the counter as she takes a deep breath trying to fight the tears stinging in her eyes.

#* 🏍️ prose › c. redfield #* 🏍️ ft › l. kennedy

[currently-screaming-and-crying]

i have,,,, a few thoughts about the new discord layout, and im sure you guys do too. i think it is borderline unusable, it is not “intuitive” and “streamlined” or whatever the fuck, and i’m genuinely really angry about it. if you guys AT ALL feel similarly, please send discord some feedback. i just sent some (i will attach my veritable essay of a response after this) and i NEVER do that. i can count the number of times i’ve sent feedback on one hand. but i’m angry, and i feel like it will help, so i did.

verbatim what i sent:

“THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT AESTHETICS, THAT WAS JUST THE ONE THAT FELT RIGHT.

it doesn’t look like discord anymore, it looks like something else and it’s making me not want to use discord on mobile at all. i downloaded discord on mobile so that i could have something that worked the same as on computer, just smaller. and now it’s gone, the new layout is stressful, the stupid swipe to reply thing got rid of a whole entire facet of how i use discord, and the fact that you CANT CHANGE IT BACK is absolutely ridiculous. at least be smart about it and have the option there and collect data around who does and does not want to use it. additionally, having all the navigation buttons at the bottom was a stupid choice. they were fine where they were. and dms feels like it’s another platform entirely and i dont like it. also i heard from a friend that the “midnight” theme was already already a thing on android? so trying to pass it off as something new is disingenuous to say the least.

another problem is with the pins. the old way of organizing them was good! in this one, you can’t see images, and in dms it doesn’t differentiate between who sent what message. bad design.

ALSO also, the message search/ selecting pins is broken (if it’s on purpose it’s just *bad*). why does it take you to another…. tab, basically, of the same messages? and why whenever you hit the back arrow (even in settings, once, to get out of a section) does it take you all the way back to the main messaging area???

i’m so sorry to whoever has to read this ridiculously long complaint, but you guys fucked up your own site. it is borderline unusable. please do not change the computer version of discord, because i will have to leave for my own sanity and i don’t want to do that. i genuinely love discord but the change is (in the words of a blog i follow) worse than tumblr rolling out tumblr live. and look how much people hated that one.”

and i sent a second bit because i forgot about the stupid ass swiping/reply thing:

“the swiping to reply is redundant, and not being able to see all of the people you’re talking to feels isolating and i can already feel disconnected from the community in some of the larger servers i am in”

#i hate the discord update it’s so stupid #discord update #discord mobile

[morphogenetic]

Mediaposting 2024, #3: Chrono Trigger (DS Version)

Completed: January 13th (first run including sidequests) / January 20th (NG+/all endings/near-100% completion run)

Time spent: 35 hours (first run)/55 hours (NG & NG+)

Rating: 7.5/10

i'll get the easy critique out of the way first, and this is specifically a DS version issue (/maybe a steam issue too? not sure): oh my god why the fuck did they think adding the lost sanctum and dimensional vortex sidequests would be a good idea. neither of them add a single thing to the story and are literally like 15 hours of boring as hell sidequests. whyyyyyy did they add this this was PAINFUL to do as a completionist. jfc.

other thoughts under the cut because they are LONG but the TL;DR is: i enjoyed this game! i don't think it's bad at all and can absolutely see the influence it had on the genre! i think it's absolutely a game everyone who cares even a little bit about RPGs should play if they haven't already! i also don't understand why people think it's one of the best games ever made even though i think it's actually quite good in a few aspects!

anyway. continued below

i constantly had heard that chrono trigger had a very cool time travel story, and while aspects of this, absolutely, are true, there are particular parts of the time traveling that feel rather tacked-on to me. in particular, the future and extreme past eras are just....kinda there. and hilariously the same is kind of true of the present era, but that i can excuse to some extent. i don't think any of the eras are particularly bad, but the future in particular was not nearly as well utilized as it should have been, IMO, which kinda bums me out.

for me, the main issue is that it doesn't do enough with the actual 'influencing one era to cause changes in the other' thing until the endgame sidequests, and by the time you can do those, it feels a little too-little, too-late. that or there should have been a better way to space those sidequests out as you actually play the game, because they genuinely add a lot to some of the characters (FROG MY BELOVED!!!!!!!!!!! and also lucca benefits a lot from her backstory). but making basically all of them only accessible in the eleventh hour felt very counterproductive to me. the plot is honestly mostly uninteresting to me until the zeal era, and that feels far too late for a game like this. idk. i like the world as a whole but some parts of the worldbuilding itself felt very minimal to me, like i wish the idea of a Nu was discussed AT ALL. or why its like completely normal for people to hang out with monsters/non-humans in 13,000 B.C. idk. just little things but i can tell it was probably more of a system limitation thing than anything else.

that said i think the main cast is quite solid. frog is the best easily, magus is a close second (though he also runs into the same problem where a ton of his character development is laaaaateeee), but i don't hate any of the other characters at all. ayla is fun (love a fun gimmick character every once in a while) and lucca is my favorite kind of weird nerd girl character. marle's playstyle annoys me until you have all of her techs and robo becomes kind of outclassed by frog but man. frog!!!!!! my man. hes so good.

basically no one is Not a fun character. is what im trying to say. i don't think they're all super deep characters, which bothers me a lot more than it probably should for a fucking 90s jrpg, but i like all of them a little bit, which is more than i can say for some games.

also, and this is more of a gameplay structure thing: i really appreciate how chrono trigger praises the player for being patient and for being kind. this is late game, but once you can unlock the chests i LOVE how you get upgraded rewards if you chose to not unlock them in the past. its so smart. that and the cases where your very small actions end up affecting things as minimal as the shopkeepers you can interact with? mwah. so good.

music: everyone always praises the hell out of the music and i do think there are some great tracks (CORRIDORS OF TIME MY BELOVED), but even for the era i dont think its truly exceptional in most ways. not bad at all and i know they had technical limits but.....still. still. corridors of time fucking sweeps them though. my god. what a good song.

art: okay yeah i dont have anything to say here. fucking amazing spritework going on in this game. enemies can be kind of whatever if they're not bosses but the fucking overworld/background art. the amount of emotion that is portrayed in a few pixels is astounding to me.

battle system: has aged so well and as soon as I started playing it i just went "OH THATS WHERE TWEWY GOT THE RELOAD SYSTEM FROM" because its almost a direct straight line of influence LOL. it really does force you to understand the mechanics and not just spam everything with your most powerful attacks. does get a little bit eh by the endgame once you're doing all-field-damage attacks out of necessity, but still. solid. not particularly unique by today's standards but if a game TODAY came out with this system i would have no complaints.

by this point you're probably saying "wow you wrote a lot about this for a game you think is a 7.5/10" and...yeah lol sorry. its just that i can see the influence and while i dont think its the BEST GAME EVAAAR i can absolutely see why people adore it so much. i think im just a slightly different time of rpg fan and this didn't quite scratch the itch for me in all the ways i was hoping it would, but there is no way in hell i can call it bad. i still think anyone who likes video games at all should play it. it just didnt scratch a very specific itch in my brain that i wanted it to (/it was less of a character story than i really like in my games), and so i cant quiiiite bump it up to that 8/10 i wish it so badly was. but theres a reason its a classic, it's aged incredibly well. just doesn't fit my niche enough.

that said. am i playing chrono cross after this? absolutely LOL. might take me a while but i am invested enough in this world to be interested in it. hopefully theres a bit more worldbuilding stuff bc the zeal stuff was SO GOOD but then it got crammed into the last 5 hours and hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i wanted so much more foreshadowing about it. god. anyway.

good game. not the best game of all time for me, but a good game. probably a great game to people who arent as picky as me LSGLSKDGH. just uh. dont play the extra DS content unless you're a completionist like me. lost sanctum MAYBE for the items but i would not bother with the dimensional vortex. its bad. lol

#sorry if you read this whole thing i realize it is long as hell. #mediaposting #aj plays chrono trigger #(for the sake of having this in that tag as well ig) #junpei.txt

[kidrat]

having this moment where i know im not gonna stop doing something i love, but i really do feel like giving up. had this switch a while back where i went in a big way from knowing i was pretty good to Knowing i wasn't 'there' yet, and consequently putting a lot of effort into my poetry to get there. and then started making lit mag submissions because really, genuinely, I felt that was a realistic goal + an appropriate thing to do now. i read a lot of poetry, i work on specific weaknesses I have, my voice is so much more sophisticated than it was back then. and i've improved a shit ton SINCE starting to make submissions, but im still getting nothing but rejections. more than anything it makes me feel like maybe im got a completely incorrect sense of my own skill which just makes me feel embarrassed and miserable. worst part is that currently all the rejections I get are saying they really want me to submit again + they're sure I'll have no problem getting the poems accepted elsewhere. but like they're fucking not getting accepted elsewhere. if no one takes a chance on something because oh, well, someone else defo will, then the thing doesn't get anywhere. i know thats an oversimplification of a much more complicated process and that the journals arent actually throwing my work around like a game of hot potato or w/e but u can see why i feel like crap. like what is the fucking point. why bother.

#whhyyy would i get two rejection emails in one day when im balls deep in ssri withdrawals??? #misc

[turn2tech]

what the fuck just happened

ok um sorry for posting this on tumblr out of literally anywhere else but i just got out of a really WEIRD relationship and im honestly not sure what else to do!!!

tws: possibly toxic relationships? (past) physical/emotional abuse

holy shit wow where do i even start

this all happened so fast!!!

ok me and my bf of 1.5 years have broken up!!! It was our homecoming dance i invited them as well as our mutual best friend, and when they got there they told me they thought it was going to be a date. They acted very upset throughout the entire thing brought down the mood all together. I'm not saying that they aren't allowed to express their emotions, but the thing is, they were there when i invited the best friend. After that, i broke up with them while we were waiting for our parents to pick us up (we're freshmen). We agreed to stay friends.

After all of that, i invited the best friend over to my house, mainly so i could complain about how they were kind of a manipulative asshole throughout the entire relation (dw, ill get to that later) and we got to talking, eventually coming to the conclusion they we should also stop being friends with them.

Me, being the irrational and impulsive prick that i am, told someone that max was close too! I told him the next day at school, not realizing i forgot to tell him that the confrontation itself was going to happen at a later date, and him, confused, went to class and asked my boyf what happened.

blah blah blah yada yada yada i said some stupid shit in a group chat, insulted them while trying to explain the situation, and was just kind of bitchy about the whole thing. Without hearing my side of the story, everyone immediately took max's side and kicked me. I understand it to an extent, but even to this day they refuse to get my perspective which is really concerning to me. I had someone i knew inside the group chat still, and they sent me screenshots of everyone saying how they never liked me in the first place and how AND I QUOTE "only ever talk about cartoons and video games." Like... damn. I would genuinely rather be punched in the face and have my nose broken by a complete and utter stranger on the street then to see that.

A few days after, the friend that started this all insisted that apologizing to the bf directly would fix everything. I gave a whole ass SPEECH about how i was in the wrong about the things i said, but i still felt our relationship was unhealthy for me. They didn't add me back to the group chat, nor did i ever have someone ask me for my side. Oh, and the inside friend? refuses to defend me in fear of getting kicked out as well.

The mutual best friend actually made amends with the bf so they aren't on bad terms, but in truth they are only there to report what he has said about me. He has said the following:

that i was emotionally distant

i ... smelled bad????

i didn't give them enough "physical affection" (i frequently said no to making out)

And that just got me thinking. The entire reason i was emotionally and physically distant was because of, well, physical and emotional abuse ive suffered in the past. Ive had terrible relationships, and even more terrible friends. I told them about this several times, and that it's not their fault im this way! clearly they don't care and have decided to take it personally, which is not my problem.

So you know what? ive got a couple of gripes with you too.

you never(rarely) showered and actively admitted that to me

you were a compulsive liar that lied about fucking EVERYTHING

you frequently emotionally presured me into staying with you, using the phrase "I'd probably kill myself if we ever broke up haha" frequently

you faked being scene (dressed the part, did not listen to the music LMFAO I JUST REMEBERED THEIR FAVORITE ARTIST IS MITSKI HELP)

AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST,

YOU FUCKING FAKED BEING TRANS TO DATE ME

yes, you read that last part right! the NIGHT we broke up they went to all their social media accounts and changed the flags in their pfps, as well as the pronouns in their bio, oh no, im sorry, HER BIO. I am pissed and angry and mainly sad that i didn't see the signs earlier. And hey, if you read this far, thanks.

Anyways, there's actually a lot more inbetweens to this story, including the collapse of an entire friend group, rumors, and a musical (not fucking kidding), but im tired and typing this just made me really sad. goodnight.

#so uhm #hows your day going #turn2tech #VENT #vent blog #personal vent

[bored-bookworm-2005]

I have a bunch of thoughts. I am so tired but sleep is not an option until I put these thoughts somewhere

Spoilers

This is not proof read

~ ok like what the fuck is up with the duffer brothers giving us amazing new characters that have so much potential just to kill them off while giving the main cast plot armor

~ I AM IN NO WAY OF COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW OUR MAIN PEOPLE SURVIVED I THANK ALL THE GODS FOR KEEPING THEM SAFE

~ the whole time Eddie was having his little hero moment I was raging because I’m tired of the characters I love trying to be the hero and then dying

~ Eddie deserves so much better.

~ I am a little (a lot) irritated about all the queerbating (is that the proper term for this) im not sure if I’m being over dramatic and making issues out of something that’s not actually a problem but I’m bummed that they hyped up Byler and made Steddie and Ronance so like there and then did nothing with it

~ I was stressing my actual balls off worrying about Steve. Like I was so scared I had to watch the end of the last episode to make sure he was still there (in the process I spoiled Eddie’s death :/)

~ the deaths weren’t giving. The way the duffer brothers and co talked about the deaths coming I expected everyone to die like I was imagining all our favorite characters dropping like flies. Instead a bunch of not exactly liked or well treasured characters died. And the two main important major deaths that happened either a) was unnecessary imo and the was ignored by all but one of the main characters or b) backed out of and brought the character sorta back

~ Steve looked so good in these episodes. Like everyone did but Steve was giving off that mom energy and I was dying and when he was talking about his little nuggets and exploring the country I wanted to like die because that was so cute. It made me particularly happy because I’m like in love with Steve and I’ve always wanted a bunch of kids

~ but can we address how the reason Steve probably wants a bunch of kids is because he has felt so alone his whole life he doesn’t wanna keep feeling like that so he wants to have a big warm happy family

~ the stancy stuff was killing me and not in a good way

~ we finally got some relief for our lack of Jopper

~ I really wish we got more in that Will and Jonathan scene like I genuinely thought he was gonna come out but didn’t flat out happen. I think the duffer brothers and co are allergic to having males (will in particular) admit to being gay

~ max my baby. I was crying when Lucas was holding her and crying and she was like I can’t see or feel anything im scared I don’t wanna die. I thought it was going to cause me to die from heartbreak

~ I really thought Karen Wheeler was gonna have a bigger part in volume 2 and im bummed she didn’t

~ I was getting so mad whenever Jason was on screen. I thought he was gonna be a decent character but this man is crazy and I get where he is coming from but the fact that he was set on the fact that Eddie was guilty and refused to even consider anything else made me mad

~ vecna touching the girls with his ugly slimy hands also made me mad

- #elmax

~ Nancy with that gun oml

~ Steve driving oml

#stranger things #st vecna #lucas sinclair #nancy wheeler #mikewheeler #steve harrington #eddie munson #joyce byers #will byers #robin buckley #max mayfield #eleven #el hopper #steddie #so tired

[hella1975]

hey I have life advice to ask and if it's not cool then just go ahead and delete this-

I'm gonna be 17 soon and I was pulled out of school due to stuff I couldn't really control, so I dont really have a college/university to expect in about 2 years ish if I cant pull through out of my depression/anxiety and take the GED tests (american testing, its like a substitute for a highschool diploma, which is.... shit idk the differences to england but either way if I cant study and complete 4 giant tests, colleges/universities wont be available to me. I think.). I really could just move about anywhere I'm able to, and there's this place that I really, really love. I've done everything I can to know about it besides GOING there, because it is incredibly far away from my home. Really fucking far. It's been smth of an idea of mine I've held on to a year, like all the towns and places I dive into I just keep coming back to that spot. It feels like the one, like I can't really see myself growing old because of my depression but I can SEE it there, and I've never felt that.

The thing is I know from a few older mutuals of mine (and just other adults in gen) that things can change and while you might go to uni/college for [X Thing] you'll come out with something else you found so you'll now have [Y Thing]. like what you're expecting or want is going to change as you learn more or delve into it. I don't know how much I should take that to heart really? There's this fear that's been placed into me that I can't actually think for myself if I'm always going to be changing. I'm so confident about this rn but what about later? Sorry if this freaks you out too JFNSJMW like we're about 2-3 years apart but it just feels like so MUCH, I wanted your advice since you've got the uni experience I might miss out on

(My family is fine really like they're not going to kick me out or anything, they've just got other problems ig that I'd like to escape from because a lot of what they do has me just.. stuck with myself. It sucks being a teenager because I'm just in the middle of it all)

hi anonstie! sorry for the slow reply to this, i hope im not too late to any decision making. thank you so much for trusting me with this, it's a really scary situation for any teenager deciding on something that seems so defining, let alone with mental illness factors and possible family pressures. trust me I GET THAT. so everything i say is my opinion very tainted by my own bias and personal experiences, but you know that and asked me anyway so im gonna assume we're clear on that okay:

so as someone who not only has the uni experience but overall LOVES uni like could not have picked a better option i love my uni life i love my friends i love my independence so much that i stick doing a subject i HATE bc i love my life here so much - coming from someone in that position, you want to know what i think? if you're not sure about going to uni and genuinely think you'd be happier elsewhere, do not go. im being so serious. university is a challenge, and people know that, but you have to take what you think it's gonna be like and double how hard it really is. it's a fucking culture shock and a half and even those who settle in well (i like to think i did) still have trouble finding their feet, and it's fucking scary. you have to have a level of certainty to manage it. idk maybe im being too extreme here but ive seen so many people who regret uni and are the loneliest they've ever been, and if you already have mental illness weighing on you that's not a boat you want to be in even if you might not end up like that.

the option does not vanish just because you didn't do it at the 'correct' age. i can see ur stress around the exams and while i know fuck all about american education, i refuse to believe there's no ways around it or ways to redo at a later time, or even if you do just wind up with not very good qualifications, somewhere will take you. i was convinced that if i didnt get out of my hometwon at 18 with the natural progression in academia then i would be stuck there forever, and part of me still believes that no matter how silly it is, which is why i outright refuse to drop my subject even on the days when it eats me alive, because i think if i drop out i'll get stuck in my hometown. uni was an escape for me and that's one of the reasons i love it so much. but over time, while it still lingers i wont pretend it doesnt, ive realised how wrong that mindset is. there's so many types of people at university. some people come onto campus with their children. some people are middle-aged. some people just did a gap year. my own flatmate is a second year uni student just like us but she's a year older bc she dropped out of first year bc of covid and reapplied. uni made me realise how common MESSINESS is. i hardly know anyone who got here on the really straight and narrow route, and maybe that's just part of being the covid cohort who knows but there's not a 'correct' way of doing things.

idk i think school is very rigid UNTIL you reach eighteen, and bc the universe is such a bitch you only realise how fluid everything gets post-eighteen ONCE YOUVE MADE THE DECISIONS.

so yeah, if you want to know what i think? chase that place that's calling to you. worst case scenario is it lets you down but you finally scratch the itch; that alone is something to live for. if you ever change your mind, university and that path isn't going anywhere. there's always so much choice, we just sometimes box ourselves in until it feels like there isnt

#i feel for you genuinely you couldnt pay me any money in the world to be 18 and scared again #it's truly fucked how little guidance we get just to turn a corner and realise everything truly is fine #like geniunely things work themselves out and adulthood teaches you that #there are scary awful horrible horrible times of course. but you have autonomy and there's always options #it's not as overwhelming anymore #ask

[pinnithin]

work got me down as usual so i gotta ramble

a master sergeant who works in my flight apologized to me yesterday for something i didnt even take offense to. long story but its annual award season so a lot of our time right now is spent workshopping the award packages from our squadron so they'll be competitive at the wing level. and this guy wrote one for an airman who'd done really well this year, but due to a misunderstanding it looked like he'd plagiarized the previous year's, and we discovered this in the middle of the meeting in front of the other flights and it just kinda made us look dickish.

anyway, i didn't really care, because i didnt do it. felt bad for the airman but she'd earned a pretty significant early promotion like a week prior so it was probably fine if the award got tossed (it didnt - they let us rework and resubmit it). but in the end nobody died, nobody got hurt, whatever. it wasted like 3 hours of everyone's time but we're salaried so its not that big of a deal. the master sergeant in question was not present at this meeting to defend himself, but my superintendent called him to give him a piece of his mind because he made us look like assholes in front of the other flights. i didnt get into it because i didnt really care.

this week rolls around, the guy catches me to apologize and explain that it was a mistake and he thought he was copying valid bullets from past awards (common practice - theres only so many ways you can explain that a guy inventoried a warehouse real good). he told me he felt like shit all weekend because of it and he dreaded coming to work this week after "putting us through that" in front of the squadron. and i was like, man. thats a really small silly thing to feel like shit over.

and i was all "man its okay, they let us resubmit it, mistakes happen, nobody got hurt etc etc" and he was like no but you still had to defend your reputations in front of the other flights and my mistake put you in that situation and i was like, really? thats what youre upset about? MY reputation? you realize i dont care what any of these people think about me, right? and i didn't even make the mistake - that was you! and if people think im a jackass because one of my guys made a mistake that was easily fixable then thats their problem. there are way more important things to worry about.

he looked relieved and then got really quiet and was like, how are you like that?

like what?

how do you just let this stuff go all the time? i beat myself up all weekend over this and youre just... fine about it?

this isn't the first time someones asked me this, albeit more casually like "youre so chill LT i wish i was as chill as you" yknow but he seemed like genuinely concerned and i had to pause for a second before being like. therapy? its therapy. im like this because im in therapy.

i mean its also the constant exhaustion and being jaded and desensitized to this hellish war machine, but i can cope a hell of a lot better with it. i have to actively work at it to maintain a healthy mindset or ill go berserk. this is not my natural state i had to build this.

this guy is ten years older than me, has been in the air force for, i wanna say 13 years? crippled with anxiety and guilt over, what, embarrassing (not really) his boss? i just felt so fucking bad for him.

and theres so many people here who are like him, who hold themselves to these impossible standards because of the weird mind games this brutal industry puts everyone through. i have met more people with work induced neuroses in the three years here than ive ever seen anywhere else in my life, and im sure i have a collection of my own that im blind to as well. this job is merciless and will grind you into dust with no remorse if it means making the jets fly faster.

like, duh, its the military, what did you expect. obviously working for the business that kills people will mess you up. but it still sucks, right? ive met really good people here who have been irreparably damaged in their service and they wont even get help because theyre too afraid to damage their career in the job that hurt them in the first place. it sucks. it sucks to see.

not just people who've been here a long time, literally everyone i know here deals with some kind of trauma (mild though it may be for some of the newer kids, youre still getting shipped away from your family and everything you know for a job you might not even like, in a cruel profession, and thatll upset anyone just a little at least). i know people who've been here 3 months who are like this is the lowest ive ever felt. i know people who are 3 months from retirement who are like i put my life into this job and all it did was chew me up and spit me out.

once again. military. it should be obvious. i can still be sad about it though i think. maybe nobody whos a good person voluntarily joins the military, so maybe we all kind of deserve it, but i think we're still allowed to be kind of upset about it.

i have one year left. i have complicated feelings about it. ive also been irreparably damaged here, but at the same time im at the point where i really like the person i am and i would not be that person without having to go through the fucking pits of hell in this shitty ass job. i know part of it is because of my own efforts to unfuck myself after i got horribly fucked over and had a nervous breakdown in mid 2021, but now i kind of have that point of reference to ground me? like anything i do from now on has never been as hard as that part of my life was. and i dont think i would have taken therapy and recovery as seriously if i wasn't dealing with ptsd. so i dunno.

im not sure where im going with this its just like. fuck this place. fuck this fucking job. i only care about the people ive met here and i feel like im abandoning them by getting out next year, but if i stay inside a burning house i'll die too yknow

#this is so long and uninteresting dont feel compelled to read #i just had to process something #pin talks #views and opinions expressed on this blog dont reflect those of the us air force blah etc etc

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

Any guesses as to what Rantaro's talent could be?

IM SO GLAD YOU SENT THIS ASK ANON I just got to his body discovery and I need a distraction. I have a few!! This set is ordered from least to most likely:

No ultimate talent: unlikely that they would hype this guy’s talent up for a whole game only for him to not have one without any foreshadowing, but still possible. I think this would most likely be the case in one of my end game theories where none of them are actually ultimates and it’s all fake.. somehow…. Though at this point I’ve mostly put aside that theory for a couple reasons (one big one being that Kiibo is very much a robot, can’t really fake that with memory manipulation)

Ultimate navigator: This one’s another weak guess, I think. He’s very perceptive and good at reading people, so maybe that translates to navigating open seas? Or otherwise difficult to map places? Also, he has what looks like a big compass on his sweater, what’s that about? I also used to think that his necklace was a Boatswain which I now know is not the case. Regardless, if he is the ultimate navigator, I’m picturing him as a ship captain.

Ultimate soldier: I haven’t seen the inside of Rantaro’s lab yet, but the outside of his lab, the door, haunts me constantly. It has a lot of violent warlike imagery (dark red colour, weapons and barbed wire, etc). Also, his necklace IS A little dagger, which also fits. I’m not too sure about this one since Mukuro is already the ultimate soldier, but if Shuichi AND Kyoko can both be the ultimate detective I think it could still work. Who knows, maybe Rantaro was part of Fenrir lol

Ultimate (bounty) hunter: THIS is what I actually think Rantaro’s talent is. And I do mean this as Human hunter, not animals. I have a somewhat elaborate endgame theory relating to this. In short: the other 15 ultimates grouped together to save the world from the incoming apocalypse (project gopher) but failed. The outside world became a wasteland, and the remaining public blamed them and wanted vengeance against them for their failure, starting the ultimate hunt. At the head of the ultimate hunt was Rantaro, and ultimate himself who felt the same guilt as the rest and decided to track down everyone involved in project gopher and capture them before also turning himself in. The 15 ultimates run for a while but end up surrendering to Rantaro and the ultimate hunt, and as punishment for their failure they are all put into a killing game with their memories wiped. Rantaro is either put in also as punishment or alternatively as a warden (alternate title, Ultimate Warden) to watch over the killing game, like a mastermind who was never hiding to begin with. But the monokubs fucked up the memory wipe so bad he also got caught in it and didn’t care to correct it cause it made it all more interesting anyways.

I really like this idea, though there’s a few problems. He seems genuinely nice in chapter 1, especially in his free time events. He is really worried that his talent could make everyone else hate him (though this might just make this all more tragic). I think he had good intentions but might have been corrupted somehow. Also, on a meta level, this is fairly similar to Maki’s talent, and although there’s been overlap like this before (Kyoko and Shuichi, or English Hifumi and Toko for example) bounty hunter and assassin or just barely not the same thing, so I don’t know.

Here’s some more that I thought of, mostly as jokes:

Ultimate gamer: he really liked danganronpa 1 and 2, that’s why he’s so aware of what’s going on in the prologue

Ultimate eboy: just look at him

Ultimate influencer: just look at him

Ultimate fisherman: idk what to tell you I joked about this one time and now every time I think about water-based or water-adjacent activities I think about Rantaro

Ultimate cowboy: he sometimes speaks with a slightly noticeable southern accent?

Ultimate amnesiac: he’s very good at this

Ultimate older brother: He’s so nice, calm, and collected (at least on the surface) and I really found his free time events relaxing. I also know from outside sources that he has sisters. I love hanging out with him. I miss him everyday (UNLESS HES ACTUALLY STILL ALIVE?? 🤔🤔）

#shut up me #rantaro amami #Rantaro deserves to and I think should pull a Junko here #Pluto replays v3

[weabooweedwitch]

Can you understand why you saying 'ok well I guess my only option is to kill myself' is just more of this toxic behavior? In your other posts you were talking about how your mom doesn't deserve basic respect and that you were totally righteous in what you were doing, and when you get called out it's 'I guess I should just kill myself' as if you can't just make better choices? You chose to treat your mom like trash and you can choose in this moment to be a better person. The source of the problem is that you think certain people don't deserve to be treated with respect and you blame others for your own reactions, which are both perspectives you can easily shift if you want to. Just take ownership of yourself, put yourself in others' shoes more and reflect on the issues that cause you to react such as narcissism and borderline. I'm sorry if I'm wrong but it feels like you're acting out the 'cry' part of crybully rather than showing genuine remorse for how you treat people, just so that people will backtrack and comfort you and tell you the things you want to hear, which i'm sure many people will now because attracting enablers through pity is a classical narcissist pattern. Stop looking for an out and face yourself and your flaws and stop using this idea of 'I can't change' as an excuse to just give up because everyone can change if they really want to

I've gone to therapy for years. I've tried different medicine for years. I spent so many trips as a minor being an inpatient doing DBT for years. I've had therapists tell me my mom won't let me set boundaries and she wears me down until I do what she wants. Now I can't stand for myself without getting angry because I'm never listened to. She always told me everyone only sided with me because I lied and manipulated them? But I've never tried to do that? I've never wanted to do that? All I've ever said is how I felt. Have I just been living my entire life not knowing I was am absolute monster?

Have I just been WRONG whenever I felt like someone did something bad to me? Was everything always my fault?

I try to tell people over and over "hey please don't do this, please don't do that, hey, I keep gently reminding you I need XYZ" whether it's at work or home and I just get ignored or talked over or blamed. Even my own fucking managers are leaving sticky cans of energy drinks in my work area, my fucking managers can't even do really basic picking up after themselves when I'm literally the only night employee

I scheduled a day off to try and go with my mom to the dentist and also because I needed to go to the doctor and im only gone 2 days and I come back and everything is not only exactly where I left it, but my work was, undone by someone else shoving everything together, not separating things, literally undoing everything I spent my whole shift doing, and then I have to spend time cleaning up after them, and then I run out of shelves because they didn't work anything out, and then I'm asked "Miranda why didn't you do 5 or 6 pallets on your shift? Why is there still a bag of trash here?" And it won't even be mine

Have I just been secretly incompetent and stupid and pathetic my entire life, even as I was doing my best? Even as I was trying to be a good friend? Even as I've barely held myself together? Was I just actually being a manipulative freak that whole entire time?

Then I don't deserve to be better. I don't deserve for anyone to have sympathy. If I can try and try and nothing I can do is seeming to fix things or impr9ve things or at least help others, then my life is pointless. Then I have no worth.

I didn't even know I was lying to myself this whole entire time

[more-thoughts-than-money]

post that inspired this is a house md post….. but i kind of went on talking and that’s how it ends… anyway

this shit lives in my head rent free cause i always felt like both house and wilson feel relatable in very different ways and like

wilson reminds me of the couple of years where i had this massive saviour complex (probably some self esteem thing? edit: now that i think of it, it might’ve been my way of coping with loneliness and being the “weird and annoying kid to my peers and others) aaand all that yeah

and then at one point i realised how i didn’t feel genuine empathy most of the time and more often than not did things for people with no actual reasoning! just people pleasing for the sake of it, again probably loneliness

and then i burned myself out cause i’m not sure a 12 yo kid should’ve been out there convincing people not to commit! (and that’s on unrestricted internet access i guess…) but keeping talking to them even though it was mentally draining because what else is for me out there?

so yeah i kind of used these people and dropped them once i realised im exhausted and burned out

and i feel so horrible about it

but i can’t help and make myself go back to these people because it’s just… we don’t have anything in common

and a lot of people i don’t talk to anymore i lost solely because i went from talking to and helping everybody to trying to desperately rescue myself (unable to set boundaries - victim of my own people pleasing) and cutting myself off from nearly anyone who tried to get close because if we got close i know i would have to be the shoulder to cry on and that simply didn’t benefit me?? like it feels bad to say out loud but yeah- a lot of the time it feels counterproductive? i mean in cases where im able to help- sure go on and i’ll try my best

but a lot of the time im helpless and it’s frustrating

because deep down im always blaming myself for the fact that i don’t know what to say and i hate that feeling

and i never really learned the concept of simple, compassionate silence

and there’s only one person that i know understands me in the regard of compassionate silence and im comfortable with comforting and listening to

because even though i know i can’t help i know it’s okay

sure maybe im not hyperempathetic and will probably go on with my day shortly after

but in this moment where we are talking i’m fully there and there IS an inkling of genuine empathy

it’s just never very permanent

and i’m still kind of wrestling with this concept because sometimes i just think “okay, i’m doing something, i’ll respond later” even though i saw they texted me saying they feel shitty and at one point i realised that i do this to avoid “being the shoulder” when i don’t feel like it

and it’s a very shitty way to treat a friend isn’t it?

and it’s not their fault and i’m glad they talk about their problems to me because hell i’m glad we can trust each other and they genuinely feel like a younger sibling to me

i would say “a younger sibling i’ve never had!” but it would be a lie because i do have a younger brother with whom i more or less consciously ruined my relationship with - mostly due to my anger issues (especially prominent when i was just slowly but steadily going downhill

but at some points talking to them feels like a chance to “finally get it right” after i fucked up and it makes me very happy!

and at the same time i know i want to fix the relationship with my brother but hes in an odd age

when i was this age i was a bit different, more “””“mature”””” and yeah

but it seems he doesn’t fully comprehend how much i fucked up his childhood

and im not sure when is the right time to bring this up

when i can apologise

he doesn’t have to forgive me

he can hate me and blame me

and i can take that

but i can’t take my own guilt which stems from the realisation ‘oh fuck, my actions have consequences, he’s a child and what i say and do now could make or break him when developing’ and the uncertainty whether i should expect forgiveness or not

because as i said

he can despise me out loud completely

and i would take it a thousandfold over this uncertainty

because i want to apologise and try my best RIGHT!! NOW!! and i am trying to be better for him, for everyone

and now i’m trying not to be insensitive to anyone whether it be by a slight raise of voice cause i’m frustrated or by a dumb joke that i think is funny but COULD POSSIBLY be mean and i’m overthinking and i need a lot of reassurance and i feel so dumb and-

basically people define empathy as “being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes” and i sometimes do that too much

but other times i just find it inconvenient so i simply ~don’t~

and i don’t know what to think of that

i don’t know what my relationship with myself and everyone else is because everything is so undefined?

and i keep on learning about more and more undefined concepts nothing regarding humans is 1 and 0 and it’s great! i love the freedom it gives me regarding my gender expression or attraction and all that! it’s wonderful and i love it

but at the same time i like labels and precise words and i like to know what i am

and i don’t

because there’s no word for “empathetic at one time and straight up ignorant at the other” and there’s no justice in that and there’s no word and it’s very confusing and i hate it because im not something i can label!!!!

and a new way of labelling myself would be finding a character and going “wow this is literally so me” but i don’t think there’s such character! and that’s like normal cause people have so many different traits and they mix and all that AND at the same time i don’t want to think i’m “special” cause that could go downhill real quick !! cause i’m “a bit different” or at least WAS different as a child but i don’t want it to spiral into a “im better than others” and i know it could

and more importantly (?) i don’t want OTHERS to THINK im better than them

see even if i ACTUALLY thought myself better than others, i would deal with that, but the moment people DO think i have some weird superiority complex and i don’t want that!! i hate when people judge me when they don’t genuinely know me and there’s no way to broadcast who i am as a person to everyone

so yeah i’m a prisoner of my beholders perceptions and expectations (is that a fancy way of saying a people pleaser and a fucking doormat???)

sometimes i use weird long words and people think that i’m being a smartass and think i’m a snob(?)

but it’s just i WISHHHH i had something i can read and analyse and then label! and the short words never do it justice!! so then i can connect these longer words to myself and TRY to define myself but it feels impossible ! and it’s infuriating cause there’s no word that do justice to what i feel about myself and it’s so fucking scary because it’s like i don’t have ground under my legs

and rationally i know i don’t have to “know”

but i’m still scared

god damn it that was a long ramble i had from a random fucking post about house md

i love this show cause it makes me think and analyse a lot (i watched it more than a year ago and i think it altered my brain chemistry /hj) but i hate it cause it makes me go on long thoughtfully thoughtless rambles like these !!

[skittsyteacup]

TW VENT!! dont read if ur sad or smth!!!

i hesitate to write this. genuinely. theres people i know will see it and theres those who wont but i really want to. i dont even feel upset writing this, i feel pretty good actually. i think writing this wont help, i know it wont, but itll be said right? which is better than nothing(maybe). 

some of us, and i wont name, have a horrible habit of checking accounts of people we no longer talk to and wow! you guessed it. exs fall into that. its mainly to see how theyre doing(usually /neg) or cus theyre bored. but we all get those memories. and the pain can meld to others which sucks, really. thankfully this doesnt happen often! but it still happens and it still hurts. an example is one of them sent a anon tell to an ex of ours asking if they checked their exs accounts. part of the reason why other than curiosity was because we were a little suspicious they sent us tells n shit. im more confident they dont now after a bit of research but we cant talk in headspace easily. and even so who wants to talk about their bad habits? not them. but to the actual point, ive had nightmares my whole life. i dont have dreams anymore as far as i can tell, they always morph their way into something i dont count as a decent thing. and more often than not ive found someone from our past whos hurt us a lot is always there. we had one with a man named steven who ruined our childhood a couple days ago. we screamed at him about how we hate him so fucking much and personally? thats progress! we recognize we didnt deserve it. we recognize that it was wrong and he deserves to burn. 

but quite a few of these nightmares have our most recent ex. since theyre not almost dead like steven i wont name them, ill refer to them as K. im not sure theyll see any of this. part of us hopes they will. part of me hopes that too. id like to help set the record straight.

we dated them for a year and a few days. we met on discord and grew close in a short amount of time. they were 16, i was 14. theyre 18 and im 16 now. so its been almost 2 years, its been 2 years since we met though. the relationship was good as far as i knew but now as ive grown i realize even if the age gap isnt big, thats 2 different maturities. they were hypersexual, i was asexual. the pressure made me graysexual and im also now hypersexual(in a way). i felt bad for saying no, which made me what others see as a shy partner who relies on their s/o to function. i felt bad that i didnt rely on them to exist, as if theyd get mad at me for not needing them to breath. and i think i was right too. even if they think now ‘no i wouldnt of’, i know that that would upset them. because in a way, a twisted way, thats upsetting to someone who wants to be your whole world. they want you to only need them. theyve probably changed. i hope theyve changed. 

but someone stalked their tellonym the other day to see the answer to the tell they sent and they found something else, im quoting so i dont fuck it up,  “whats your opinion on a partner that is being shy?”                                        “it’s whatever but i can’t stand overly shy partners like i’m not going to do everything for you. my ex was like that and it drove me fucking insane”              i want to scream and yell that ‘you did this, this is your fault, it was and still is a problem you created’ but ive grown too. we’ve grown. but i want to talk about how youre wrong, K. how wrong you are. you got upset when i told you no, when i wasnt ready to fuck, when i had issues sleeping, when i hung out with anyone, when my constant attention wasnt on you. you probably dont remember it like that, and thats ok but it wont change my memory in any way. you can shit talk me and i know you have about things you shouldnt. you can get angry over this. i hope you do in a healthy way and right now some of us disagree with me hoping that. back to the topic at hand, though, i felt like you would hurt me if i didnt get your permission or do something you didnt like. maybe thats why i got called co dependent. and i dont mean physically, that youd hurt me like that, i meant mentally. i wouldve dont the physical part. i know i wouldve. i know all of us wouldve. an unspoken part of our brain thought if we didnt then we didnt love you. i remember one time, i was up past 12. you woke up and saw. you got upset, made me feel like the worst person because i wasnt asleep. i went into another room and hyperventilated, having one of the worst panic attacks ive ever had. thankfull i was too distraught to search for anything harmful, and the house was small(we all slept in the living room, the other 3 rooms were in shambles(kitchen worked a little)) so searching for stuff was noisy already. and i knew if i relapsed you would make it about you. which is another thing. i dont think you ever realized it. i could never bring it up either for that reason. i didnt like talking to you about my issues because id just end the topic feeling worse than i started, but this time id also feel like i hurt you. and since you didnt like me talking to other people, and when i was i had to tell you, i just never said anything. and when id have doubts about our relationship, like i felt like you didnt love me/i didnt know how to handle something with you/you did something i didnt like/i noticed a red flag/you think im cheating, i didnt have anyone to talk to. i think i didnt break up with you because i never vocalized my doubts too. i did ask my friends during our half ass break if i seemed like a cheater, if i was like one, if i had tendencies of one. ive been cheated on before and i personally dont think im like one at all but others insight helps a lot! they said no, though, but part of me is still scared they lied. it doesnt matter much anymore though. anyway. to continue on your wrongdoings of a sort, you also accused me of cheating many times within the last week or two of our relationship because i 1) didnt let you log into my discord, you never told me why you wanted to and i wasnt ready to talk to you about a few things until i saw you(or was supposed to) 2) called you a new petname, i called you a lot of things related to the moon i dont understand why that upset you 3) everyone you talked to about us said i was cheating(ill admit, im still a bit disappointed your mom thought that too.). i cant think of anything else at the moment. but still its all bad, right? i dont know anymore. i still feel like i deserved everything you did to me. but ive been told i dont. that i didnt deserve the sexual pressure and the sexualization, that i deserved a nurturing relationship. but you still helped shape who i am now, mostly for the worst, but i know what not to do now so thats something?

im gonna end this here. its long enough, ill continue at a later date if i need to, reblogging is a thing here. i just needed somewhere to say this. theres more to say but god this is long?? enough for now??? and i need to do other things. on a side note, i hope osiris is doing well.