#im so fucking tired praying this is coherent

[strwberri-milk]

Just thinking about Abysswalker Rafayel,,,

Thinking about how he's got you pressed up against the wall, blunt and gloved fingertips digging into the sides of your body. You can hear the stutter in his breath and the way it settles against his mask, desperate to escape. You'd tease him if it weren't for how insistently he's pressing his lips to yours, the phantom sensation of them against you. His tongue traces the shape of your lips over the leather as your mouth hangs open, bringing your arms under his and holding onto his shoulders tightly.

He's right here in your arms, so close yet so far. You wish that his overly complicated clothes would just disappear but it's almost like they aren't even there with the heat radiating off of his body. He's kissing you so desperately and your lips haven't even met yet. You make the mistake of looking into his eyes, drowning in the desire and yearning he can't act on.

#from the garden #love and deepspace #love and deepspace rafayel #rafayel #rafayel x reader #this man gave me a mask kink im acc so mad /lh #im so fucking tired praying this is coherent #its such a bitch to farm materials for five star cards i just want to have enough myth shards to do his whole story at once good night

[pey-up]

obsessed with my favorite games to PLAY are like

Animal crossing :3 miitoptia<3 stardew valley! Minecraft

And then the games im in fandoms for are all

BOOM FNAF!! BATIM!!!! DDLC!!!! BOOM POW HORROR GAMES AND STUFF

#peyton rants #Im so fucking tired writing this praying its coherent #Id say dsaf too but #Whatever #Same thingggg #Not rlly horror either just silly billy #And im playing earthbound rn!!! Im really bad at it! Its fun :D!

[doitsushine92]

i ranted a little bit about shauna and taissa whatevership just now on my private twitter account but i would like to also share it here

disclaimer: i am actually a very smart individual capable of stringing a coherent thought together, but unfortunately i am burned out from work and so my ramblings are looking more and more like the scribblings of a madman

here's what i said on twitter, in bullet points to showcase each tweet:

their whatevership is so important to me

okay wait sorry but i can't stop thinking about them. their friendship is so deeply rooted in taissa willing to do anything for shauna, no matter what, shauna constantly at the edge (of violence, of the cliff, of herself) and taissa, no quite reeling her in, not quite allowing it

teen taissa wanting allie off the team for nationals and shauna damn near supporting her but not quite. taissa figuring out shauna's pregnancy and being there for her, being her confidant, willing to perform an abortion in the middle of the woods because she didn't want shauna

to suffer or god forbid die alone, how she caved to It and the prayers and the cult and clasped hands with van and PRAYED to the wilderness to save shauna, how she repeatedly told shauna to go outside and talk to jackie. taissa being right behind shauna when they find jackie

holding shauna together in her arms. how she drew the line the second she found out shauna was playing pretend with jackie in the shed and decided it would be best to cremate her, knowing it was for shauna's sanity

but it's also how taissa confided in shauna with her sleepwalking, confessed that she didn't feel safe, that she blamed herself for the wolf attack, and how shauna offered to sleep with her to keep her and the others safe, to make sure taissa didn't go wandering off at night

as adults, taissa being willing to dismember and spread the corpse of adam because shauna asked. their little not-sleepover where they talk about their lives. taissa admitting to shauna her own shortcomings as a wife and a mother.

the bond they share.....

it's like. if misty and nat are hand in unlovable hand then shauna and taissa are hand in i-wont-let-you-lose-yourself hand

but also they don't talk ever as adults which is so adults yellowjackets coded. these women are so fucked up fundamentally they truly lost themselves in the wilderness

and while/after typing all of this out i thought to myself that their friendship seems a little one-sided, or at least like taissa has somehow done More? but a) this show is really good at re-contextualising things so im sure we will see more of their bond in coming seasons, b) i don't think shauna is quite really the best at showing her true emotions, so that might play into it, and c) even so, shauna did something really important by helping taissa being able to sleep at night, she helped her be able to sleep at night with herself, allowed her to have a semi-clean conscience.

i could probably talk more about them but again burnt out and tired and unable to formulate sentences just. *gnaws at my cage* taissa and shauna friendship

#yellowjackets #yellowjackets spoilers #shauna x taissa #taissa yellowjackets #shauna yellowjackets #max talks

[gojology]

Clubs Aren’t My Thing. (2/2) (18+)

𝑨𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓'𝒔 𝑵𝒐𝒕𝒆 | woooo, part 2 ! as stated previously, this is heavily inspired by @/mystic-sky on tumblr or skyfelt on ao3. amazing writer, check her out (but this isn’t a direct copy, just same storyline in a way). i’m cleaning up my writing a lot, i think. maybe im getting better as well? probably not but uh i kinda gave up at the end and uh.. hope u enjoy.

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 | Voyeurism To Some Degree, Teasing, Ripped Tights, I didn’t proof read. 𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 | Dom! Gojo x Sub! Female Reader

𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝑪𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕 | 4561

𝑺𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚 | In which you finally get fucked by this mysterious, yet freakishly handsome stranger. That’s it, you just get fucked.

       The first thing you realize is how cold it is.     The wind is working against you, it seems, as you take your first step out of the warm building. Hair blows in every direction, you button up your cardigan, your breath coming out in puffs of smoke. Shivers went down your spine.    Not too far behind you, the mysterious man that you had met just an hour ago trailed behind, winking and waving at the girls confidently using him as eye-candy. Long strides, hands shoved into his pockets.    Your heart swells as you watch other woman stare flirtatiously as he gestured back at them, before their eyes set on you. He followed you like a duckling, and you’re sure to relish in how powerful it made you feel.    He walked like a model, with so much confidence. He didn’t appear as cold, his cheeks were flush and he reeked of fruity sugary alcohol, a playful grin still stubbornly on his face, 5 minutes later.    “Uber should be coming soon... I think, too lazy to check. You cold?” he slurred huskily.    You nod. For a one night stand, he was strangely kind to you.     He doesn’t say anything after that, so you opt to listen to the life around you. The clicking of high heels, the chatter, the drunken rants.     “Aw, come here.”     He didn’t give you much of a choice, though. Pulling you in to his chest, without warning. Your first instinct is to scream bloody murder, but he’s so warm, and you definitely need it.    One loose arm over your figure, his unoccupied arm dangled dangerously close to your butt. Taking in a deep breath, anticipating the feeling of being so scandalous in public, he chuckles breathily, almost like a taunt. You can feel the rumble in his chest as he cleared his throat.    You stare up at him, confused as to why you’re not feeling anything in your lower regions, before you realize what he was doing.    Rubbing your head with the once unoccupied hand, his fingers weaved into your hair as he sniffled. Something about the interaction was strangely intimate, but you don’t dare to say a word.     You inhale sharply, rubbing your face into his chest. You want to get closer, deep in bliss as he seemed to return the want back. You want to close any remaining space between the two of you, but making the first move was scary.    He yawns, and this triggers you to yawn as well. It was probably well past 1 AM by now, and you were tired.    You couldn’t hear much around you other then the honk of the growing sea of cars, some people just starting their night, and the others ending it.     “Oh shit. Our Uber’s here.” he mutters under his breath, pushing you out of his chest gently.    Whining, you try to push yourself back into his arms, he takes a quick glance down at you, traces of a faint lukewarm smile playing upon his lips. Almost like he’s saying, “Are you kidding me right now?” before taking a hold of your hand.     Fingers intertwining as if they were meant to be together, you gawk down at your hands, before looking back up at him.     There were a few issues, one, you had no idea if this man had an intent to kidnap you. Second, you didn’t know what the Uber looked like, and you’re too embarrassed to ask. Third, he was holding your hand with no hesitation, and the feeling in your chest was indescribable.    You can’t tell what he’s thinking, but you hope that it’s something along the lines of what you’re thinking. Your eyes briefly flickering over his jawline as you pondered to yourself, but what you do know is that you’re being dragged towards the presumed Uber. It���s sleek, and black, with a glossy finish, you note.    “Yo chill, I’m not gonna kidnap you, missy.” chuckling, examining your doubtful, yet frightened expression. He swung open the car door carelessly.    “After you, m’lady.” he adds, bowing and straightening, his chin up.     “Thank you, Sir Mysterious.” you give him a small smile before sliding into the sleek, comfortable seats.     His eyebrow raised, he looked at you.    “That’s a first.”     “It’s also a shit nickname, maybe that’s why you’ve never heard it.” you suggested.    “I like it. Has a nice ring to it.” a lukewarm smile played at his glossy lips.    The sly smile wipes clean off your face, he laughs at you while sliding into his designated seat, as if he owned the car.    Right. You were in a car, and it would be best for you to study your surroundings, just to make sure you weren’t being kidnapped.     The car was obviously expensive, black leather reclining seats, and a sweet offering of warmth against the chill of the midnight air.    A coffee cup idly stood in the cup holder, the driver taking a quick sip and turning his body to look at you two. Air fresheners and various trinkets dangled from the rear-view mirror, swinging back and forth     “A couple, eh? You wanna go to this address?”     The driver whipped his phone out, an address in black, bold text stood out.     “Yep.” the man says confidently.     Opening your mouth to speak, you try to inform the driver that he wasn’t your boyfriend, before your supposed boyfriend covers your mouth with his hand as soon as the driver repositioned towards the steering wheel.     You realize that his other hand is on your thigh, stroking your skin.    This newfound position was at the very least, terrifying. There was another person in the vehicle, for starters, and you weren’t exactly the quiet type when it came to, well, anything in general.     Cold, large calloused hands considerately caressed your thigh, and your breathing hitches. His other arm against his side, but you know his fingers are itching to feel you all over. You want to moan, but the driver’s presence is enough to tell you that it would be stupid.    Fingers drawing shapes, words, anything would repeatedly loop on the sensitive skin just barely. He was definitely teasing you, but you couldn’t quite fight back.    “Why don’t you be a good girl and stay quiet for me?” he whispers, you anticipate the driver to look back at the two of you, and to throw both of you off the car, but he does no such thing.    Feebly, you raise your arm up, ignoring the flirtatious request. Swatting his hand away in a desperate attempt to get him to stop before it got out of hand, but he’s persistent.    It’s getting even more difficult to breathe quietly now, your body getting hotter and hotter and hotter.    It doesn’t take long for a noise to slip out from your lips that you can’t quite shut up, and the driver turns to look at you.     “So precious.” the white haired man mouths to you before quickly turning his head to look at the window, humming to himself, still caressing your thigh.     “Ma’am? Are you okay?”     About to respond, the white haired man scooched closer to you. His clothed leg now rubbing your bare skin. He whistles innocently in the opposite direction before skimming his hand against your inner thigh, and you almost shriek.    Instead, you let out a pathetic gasp.    Panning his gaze over to you, he gives you a sly, playful smirk, before looking away again.    Drawing more shapes onto your skin, he hums. It was so hard to focus, or even remember the words the driver had said literally just a minute ago. You feel yourself shiver, almost losing yourself entirely to his hands before shakily responding to the driver, praying to any divine figure in the skies that you would be coherent.     “Y-yeah. Just, spilled water on m-my clothes.” you reply, barely audible.     The driver’s eyes stared back at yours, concern etched onto his features, before sighing. Tension grew inside of you.    “Alright, if you need anything, just ask, okay ma’am?”     Trying to respond, no sound comes out of your mouth, and the reason dawns on you. Taking a quick look down, the man’s digits were now fumbling with your panties, brushing against your wetness.     It takes a moment for you to register in your brain, you thank every entity possible for preventing the inevitable slew of noises you’d make. Waves of need crashing over your body. You hungrily stare at him, hoping that he’d be kind enough to stop and save it for later.     Circling your entrance through the now utterly soaked panties, he dips his finger in, just enough so you could feel the slight pressure against your sensitive skin.    He’s fucking taunting you again.    Driver be damned, you needed him.    Opening your legs more, you confidently peer at him, inviting him to explore your body even more. His fingers are drumming against the leather surface, the other hand had retreated back to your thigh,  boldly looking at you back.     “No. I thought you didn’t want to, what’s with the change of thought?” he mouths, stifling a chuckle and a smug tone, already knowing what you were going to ask.   Bewildered, you gape at him before shaking your head curtly, making sure you’re staring daggers at his stupidly arrogant face.     “Stop fucking playing with me then!”     “You’re too cute.”    “Fine then.” closing your legs, you stare out the window, your chin sitting on the palm of your hand. Flickering blurry lights passing by quickly. Looking at your reflection, you steal a quick glance at the flirtatious bastard.     “If you’re so angry, why can’t you look away from me for 1 second?” he whispers proudly.    You can’t think of a snarky remark, so you huff and look back at the window defeatedly.    What a cocky arrogant little-    Your bruised pride burning into ashes, you grunt in response before the car abruptly halts to its stop.    Were you two too loud?    “What are you two so scared for? Freezing up like a deer in headlights, we’re at your destination.” the driver said, twisting his head around, his eyebrow slightly raised.     “Oh, yeah, thanks.”     That was way too close to comfort, and you’re resisting the urge of banging on his chest for being so overly confident in his endeavors. You open the car door, cursing under your breath, swinging your legs out and lightly stepping out.     First thing you realize in the new destination? This guy was obviously loaded.     In front of you were a bunch of condos, and it was bound to cost a lot. Modern architecture was all you could see, wide windows and balconies in every corner. Suddenly, you’re self conscious about your outfit, were you too poorly dressed?    The man hums, placing his hand on your shoulder. Plant life was meticulously placed in such a beautiful manner that you promise yourself that you would search up his name- if you ever got it, on the Forbes lists.    “Like what you see?”    Snapping out of it, you look back at him, and you nod, still astounded by his presumed riches.    “Yeah? Lets go up missy, I got more to show, in more ways then one.”  ‧₊˚✩彡.            Standing in front of his door, you realize how quiet and still the atmosphere is. He fumbles with his keys, muttering to himself, and you can’t help but wonder if you’re about to have sex with some celebrity.     Not knowing how to start conversation, you clear your throat.     “You ever going to tell me your name?”     “Aw, the little baby still wants my name.” he cooed    “Call me Gojo.” he adds nonchalantly.    “(Y/N).” you reply, ecstatic. That wasn’t too hard, but you wonder why he didn’t just give up his name to you at the club earlier. Perhaps he didn’t think he was going to take you back?    “Aw, sugar. You scared?” Gojo says, looking you up and down. Well, that’s what you assumed. He still had his glasses on.    “No I’m not, who said that?”    “Look at your legs, missy.” he cheekily replies.    Looking down, you realize you’re violently shaking, and you didn’t even realize it.    “...Maybe.” you say coyly.    He breathily chuckles, finally opening the door with the right key.    You’re surprised by the presence of such a spotless place, a large, plush black leather couch was in one corner, the other, an island. Amazingly large windows replaced what would usually be the walls, and you could see the extent of the city life from where you’re standing.      “Slip your shoes off girly, sandals on the left. Can I offer you something?” Gojo questions you, walking over to the island.     “...I’m not much of a drinker.” you reply, still standing in the doorway. You were honestly more interested in him then the small talk.     “Baby, sit down. Don’t you wanna see me up close?” he pats the cushioned island seats, and you sheepishly walk over.    “I have apple juice too. If that’s more your vibe.” you watched him swirl some melting ice cubes around in a glass of water with a spoon.    “I’m not 12.” you retort, maybe the guy wasn’t a celebrity. No famous guy has apple juice in the fridge, rather then fancy champagne and wine.     Gojo snickers, “Hey, I’m not 12 either, I’m nearing my fucking 30′s but I can never reject a good box of apple juice, plus, I teach a group of kiddos that drink this shit like it’s fine wine.”     You pause, this guy was NEAR 30? He certainly didn’t look the age, and second of all, he bought apple juice just for the kids he taught? That was surprisingly sweet, but that didn’t explain the richness.    “You’re a teacher?” you nod as he hands you a chilled box of apple juice.     “Uh, yeah.” he scratches the back of his neck. “International Japanese teacher, sometimes I just teach in Japan as well. It pays good.”     “No way you actually live here. Is this your friends place?”     He laughs loudly, “So backhanded, and sassy! Nah, this is my place. As I said, job pays well. Feel free to stop by for a good fucking.” he says whilst pouring liquor into his glass cup.    “You’re really confident in your abilities of fucking people.” you sarcastically note aloud as he slides into the comfortable tall stool next to you, drink in hand.    “Hm, you weren’t saying that when I was touching you in that car, brat. How strange.” sipping his beverage lightly.     Your mouth zipped shut, and he laughs again.     “Aw, don’t go all awkward on me.” his once vacant hand now rubbing your shoulder. Setting down his drink, taking off his glasses. He doesn’t give you much time to admire his eyes, but what you can see is an almost aquamarine color, flecks of darker blue sprinkled throughout. So brilliantly colored it didn’t look real.     Before you realize it, he leans closer into your neck, suckling your skin and lightly nibbling. His breath fanning over your delicate skin, you can’t even hold back, gasping a little as his hands played with the hem of your cardigan, tugging at it playfully.     You can’t even formulate words. He was undeniably good, his suckling now gradually getting more harsher and harsher, and you dread coming back to your friends place, neck full of hickeys, you’d be nudged for whoever did that to you for the rest of your life.     He grunts, standing up in the little space between what was his stool and yours, even on such a surprisingly tall stool he still towered over you. He has to slightly crouch before his eyes is at the level of your neck, hungrily crashing back down.      “G-Gojo!” you squeaked, struggling to do much of anything. You’re limp on the stool, slumped and burning up. Your skin was ridiculously hot.     “Hmmm?” he smiles into your neck, pausing momentarily, you can feel him exhale harshly on your skin. You look him up and down, the sexual tension between the two of you was prominent, and so was the tent in his pants.     You feel a whine creep up towards your throat, now realizing just how wet you are. Ignoring this, you gesture to your clothes. The layers were sticking to you, and you never wanted anything more then to just get the sex started.    “...Hot.” is all you can muster pathetically.     “What was, baby?” he coos at you.     “Me.” shrugging off your cardigan the best you can, you let out a subtle whine, the weird feeling growing between your legs.     “Yes, we both know you’re hot.” tipping your chin upwards to look at him, he smiles. “use your words.”     “Clothes.. Off.” you pant, obviously sick and tired of the stupid sexual tension and the teasing.     “Full sentence, girly.” he repeats, stroking your cheek with his thumb.     You inhale his scent, smelling of expensive cologne and lingering sickeningly sweet alcohol. Looking up at him, but averting your gaze as soon as you saw those incredible eyes once again.    “Look at me.” he orders.    You peer up at him, swallowing.     “P-please, take my clothes off.” you say politely.     “All it took was a few hickeys? You really are a pretty kitty.” he smiles, kissing your forehead. “Get down.”     You nod obediently, getting off the stool and looking back up at him, anticipating his next step.     He bends down, swooping you up bridal style. One arm under your legs, gripped firmly onto the skin, the other under your waist. Your arms instinctively and rather slackly around his shoulders.     You expect something, a kiss, anything, but all Gojo does is walk down an endless hallway full of doors.     You lean closer into him while pouting, hoping that’ll catch his attention, but he doesn’t say a word.     “Where are we going?” you finally ask, growing needy.    “Bedroom. I’m not fucking on the couch. Pretty princesses deserve to be nice and comfy.” he replies back, fidgeting with the door knob. For a few seconds, all you can hear is how rapidly your heart is beating inside your chest, the rustling of clothes brushing against one another, and then the feeling sets in again.     You could very well be fucking someone that was out of your league.     He breathes a sigh of relief, and before you have the time to fully study his bedroom, he throws you off of the bed with a grunt.     Gojo’s toned forearms by your side, you were obviously trapped. You can see his chain just dangle barely swing back and forth on the tip of your nose, his lips curled into a lukewarm smile.    “You were so cheeky with me earlier, where’d she go?” stroking the corner of your lips.     He doesn’t give you the time to respond, instead locking lips with you and rolling over to be on your side. It starts off small and soft first, but it gradually grew hot. The fluttering in your chest only intensified. Tongues exploring every inch of one another’s mouth, you swear you can taste mint. The anxiety melted off of you like wax, and the only thing he could focus on was how soft you felt against his lips. Delightfully experienced enough for it to be good, but not better then him.    The smell of him was stronger now, and you’re sure you won’t be able to leave without some of it remaining on your clothes. Regardless, it was an addicting smell. Something you needed to come back to. Furiously exhaling through both of your noses, he finally lets go.     Dazed, your whole body tingles. You want him to claim you all as your own, hungrily staring at him for more. Both of you were radiating heat. The kissing left little for thought, and all you can think about is kissing him once again. It seemed that the more you spent with him, the more demand you had for his attention.    “Such cute noises. Makes me want to ravish you more.”     Gojo tenderly pulls you in, claiming your mouth as his once again. Fumbling with your cardigan, yanking it off of your body. Large, hot hands brushing against your now semi-exposed skin, and you know he wants more. His hands brushed against your butt under your skirt, and you shiver just a bit.     Pulling out from the kiss, he looks at you, panting heavily.     “So beautiful.” he murmurs, brushing his thumb against your swollen lips.     “You wanna know why they call me the best?”     You nod, his arm snakes above your waist, forcefully flipping you down head first into the blankets.     Just now realizing that all your clothes are no where to be found, presumably on the floor, you shiver at the cold air conditioner blowing against you. That is, besides your skirts and your tights.     “On your arms, baby. Knees too.” he instructs, patting your butt.     You obey, a warmth rushing to your cheeks again. He had you like a dog being trained by it’s owner, following their every order.     “Good girl.” he says under his breath.     You’re about to tell him that you’re still wearing tights, about to open your mouth, you heard a loud rip disturb the peaceful atmosphere, and a cold exposure to your lower regions.     You squeal, digging your face into the covers, and he chuckles again.     “Oh baby. You were begging for this, I can see why now.” you felt him drag his fingers against your panties, and you whimper.    “So impatient for my touch, aren’t you kitty? You’ll have to wait.”     About to complain, you look back at him before you find him shoving you down, sitting on your knees now, your nipples hardened in the air, but you want to be stimulated else where.    “Be patient, and you’ll be rewarded, no complaining.”     “But-” he cuts you off.     “Don’t fucking talk over me, you got that?”     “...Yes sir.”      His eyes soften, and he gives you a soft kiss on the forehead before his hands brushed against your nipples, rubbing them with his thumb. Rolling the sensitive bud, you loudly moan, trying to express that you wanted more.    “God, you’re so cute.” he says under his breath, still rubbing and now slightly pulling them. Placing his mouth upon the abused buds, you stifle a cry out.     Gently suckling, he used his other hand to play with the other attention-starved nipple mildly.     You whine out again, beginning to melt under his stupidly experienced hands and mouth. The attention was nice, but you needed it some place else, his eyes looked up at you, his wet mouth still suckling your breast.     Taking his wet mouth off your nipple, he looked at you, mischief still evident on his face.     “You like that?” he says,  cocking his head to his side.    “I-If I say anything, It’ll fill your stupid ego.” you breathed.     “And if you don’t say anything I’m not doing shit.” his hand now rubbing your butt.     “You ripped my tights!” you spat back.     “I’ll pay for it and more, no bother babygirl. Now tell me what I want to hear.”      He obviously wasn’t lying, he could probably turn any girl into putty if he just wanted to, and here you were, in the palm of his hand.     “...Please touch me more.” you uttered shamelessly.    “Good girl. On your back, spread those pretty little legs for me too, why don’t you?”     Lying down on the plush mattress and warm pillows, you stare at the ceilings.    You peered at him starting where he left off. Giving you faint, yet chaste kisses on your breasts, trailing kisses down your stomach.     “Aw, your panties are absolutely fucking soaked baby, how cute.” he cooed, parting the soaked fabric to the side.     You look at him undress thoughtlessly, but you’re sure he’s done this several times. He did it with little to no effort, but that would mean that you’re not special.    It would be useless to think about right now, you were gonna have the dicking of your lifetime anyway, it was called a one night-stand for a reason. The mountain of clothes grew taller.    Growing impatient, you look up to where he was once standing, only to find him already in between your legs.     “So pretty.” Gojo purred, circling your entrance just as he had done previously in the car ride, you squeak.     “So lucky this is all mine.”     Gojo had figured he could add, “for the night.” but that strangely felt wrong.     He dips his fingers into your walls, and you cry out. Wrapping around his digits, sobbing, this wasn’t enough to satisfy your cravings.     “You want more?” he huskily said, a tone of playfulness still rampant.     “Yes! Please, just fuck me!” you croaked, already damn near about to cum from the teasing.     “That’s my girl.” he whispered under his breath, slipping off boxers you didn’t even realize were there in the first place.      He doesn’t give you a chance to see his full length, instead ramming inside of you. You inhale sharply at the sudden disruption.     The throbbing evaporated into thin air, and you’re desperately grabbing at the sheets to steady yourself. Sweaty and sticky skin slapping against each other echoed throughout the room, along with your moans and his grunts. You could feel him reaching heights that you would never be able to do with the dildos you had at your house, much less your fingers. One hand on your waist to steady your flailing body, the other, roughly groping your breast.    You were finding it hard to think, pleasure and euphoria filling your senses. Unknowingly, you wrap yourself around Gojo even harder then before.     “Fuck, baby, I can barely pull out.” he panted. “you’re too tight.”      You can’t even begin to respond, still deep in your state of pleasure, instead responding incoherently with a jumble of delicate moans and gasps in between.     “C-cum!”      “Hm? Repeat that princess?” he soothed.    You’re unable to respond again, instead you try to lift your head up, and Gojo feels himself throb again, watching your eyes flutter back.     It’s not until it’s too late, realizing a hot fluid flow down your holes. He pulls out, he himself ejaculating on your stomach.     Both muscles stretched taut, you both laid on the bedsheets, sweating and panting.     “Fuck, I haven’t had a girl like you in a while.” he says, turning his head to look at you. Strands of hair stuck to your forehead.     “R-Really?” he kissed your forehead, tipping your chin with his long fingers.     “Yes, really. I’m so lucky I spotted such a pretty little thing at a club.”      The sun was starting to rise, you note, and you realize just how perfect his body is with the new light.     A sudden warmth on your cheeks, you look down, still panting.     “Clubs aren’t my thing.” you said breathlessly.     “Fuck. It’s 5 AM” he says, eyes now glued to his phone, ruffling his white hair.     “I’ll go-”     “No, here, lets take a shower with each other, and then we sleep.”      “Okay.” you responded, hoping to not make conversation, still believing that he was a celebrity.     He handed you his phone, rubbing the back of his neck.     “Can I get your number?”     “...Why?” you questioned.     “...To call you back again, duh.” he teases, rubbing your head.      No way, he wanted you back at his house?      You?    Not wanting to fuck up your chances, you nod, something was growing inside of you, and you weren’t quite sure what it was, but you knew he made you feel special.    

#jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru #gojo satoru smut #jjk headcanons #gojou satoru #jujutsu kaisen gojo #jujutsu kaisen gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x y/n #gojo satoru x you #dom gojo #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen smut #gojou x you #fanfic #fic #anime fic #im learning how to write well ok

[aneryk]

god why are we open on weekends?

like it’s fine. 

but why are we accessible to the public? 

#be quiet aneryk #ignore me im just like this #trying to amass myself into coherency #as always i pray for good weekend that will not happen bc i live in fucking water-tucky #i pray the whole of water-tucky is not in water-tucky this weekend: go enjoy somebody's graduation party/ go to the lake #please do anything but come to the pharmacy #god i'm so tired

[gayspock]

dont rb / rply

u kno when u wish sth would be a comfort, tht sth would be alright, but literally......... any conceivable thing that can be said to you simply makes it al feel worse.... & you’ve een over it all, more times than anyone....... & it’s not irrational at all tht point; you’re left with the total rational & undeniable conclusion tht ur right to be this miserable & you should just fucking die.  u kno wht i mean. i dont fucking knwo i hatehte fact cant even fucking manage the bare minimum and for what like do u kno wht i mean fucking suffer, miserably, and for what- for what purpose would u have trying to keep alive? what life are u going to have? were it good, you’d still question whether it was worth it; but you know -deep down- the best u can muster is a hollow fucking numbness, and thts not worth it. it isnt worth it to try really hard for whats ultimately fucking nothing . i dotn know every single day its just trying to distract myself & am sick of it am so fucking sick and tired of bothering to achieve just a fucking semblance of coherent thought & trying not to meltdown and the pay off is literally just vacancy and ultimately shallow nothing . meanwhile everything is still rotten and im still a nothing and a failure and it was for nothing and if anything its worse- bc all of tht was jsut another day wasted, another day not fucking dead ... u kno.....  am getting mad miserable again just looking at ppl & wishing i could just have some semblance of  afucking life tht i gave a shite abt. but knowing i cant fucking do tht or manage any of it and just lapse back into sobbing again and again and again on repeat. and the world keeps moving & its getting further and further away .... & its weird bc it jsut feels like ive been nothing for years at this point, i havent done anyhting foryears and years , i’ve just been trying to cope and i dont know why or what fucking for at this point . its always i’ll try and do it when im better but im never better and its just getting worse! and worse! and reality slips further & further  but whats the difference between one unachievable goal and another more unachievable goal in the end like idlk am i really more alone than i wa sbefore am i REALLY more of a failure am i REALLY more miserable bc im quite fucking sure it doesnt fucking matter bc none of it was salvageable in the first place and idk i wish there was just something sometimes but if there was then this wouldnt be a fuckingproblem i guess i just wish something felt worth it, that at least one thing could be comforting,  but none ofit is and all i do is sit and cry about it and fucking plan and plan and plan allt hese stupid details & trying to work out exactyly how i can go without being found, because i cant stand that eventuality , but i never do i dont ever do anything  not even that bc what am i but tht, a failure & i’ll fail in that regard to and fuck it up too, that itself is too real and idk i dont know wht im going to do and i dont want to be here in another 5 or 10 years the same place i was 5 or 10 years ago which is exactly right here, wishing i was just dead and wonderig why im holding on and just praying it gets better because i know it wont i really just hope i’ll be fucking dead by the end of the year at best you know like god im jsut miserable in generalman do u ever just sit there and stare at ppl all just all colourful and living their lives and being happy and realise u resent everything youve ever done and theres nothing tht can do tht for you and ur just stupid and bad at everything and its not even a fun, oh at least i had fun, bc u never did u were just trying and praying it might fucking come  i dont fucking know i dont fucking know trying to do any of it any more just reminds me of it all and makes me fucking meltdow i just dont care who the fuck cares not i not i who gives a shite bro

#egg.txt #emo moments over

[turtle-steverogers]

Grapefruit

Ship: Ralbert

Warnings: None except it’s shitty and unedited

Race poked his head out from underneath his blanket when he heard a knock at his bedroom door, “Come in!’

The door creaked out and a very distressed looking Spot entered, “Hey, dude, can you run to the store and pick up a grapefruit.”

Race stared at him for a few moments, trying to comprehend his request, “Okay, a few things. One, it’s 3:00 in the fucking morning, why the fuck do you need a grapefruit? Two, why can’t you go get it? Three, again, why the fuck do you need a grapefruit?”

Spot toyed with the hem of his nightshirt, “Uhh, I really want a grapefruit, because...I do? I don’t know, you know how I get during finals week, can you please just go?”

“Fine, I won’t question your weird cravings,” Race said, pushing his covers off of himself and grabbing his sweatpants from the floor, “But you’re gonna have to come with me.”

“I can’t, I needa keep studying. I’ll pay you back, please?”

“Oh my god, okay fine. Give me the money now, though,” Race said, heaving himself out of bed and pulling on a pair of pajama pants.

Spot reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled five dollar bill, “I mean, this should probably be enough? I don’t know how much grapefruits are.”

Race took the money from Spot, depositing it into his own wallet, “I’ll make it work,” He grumbled as he slid on a pair of sandals and got his keys from his bedside table.

“I’ll be back in a bit,” Race said, opening the door to their apartment, “Study.”

“Will do,” Spot said, sitting back at their kitchen counter and pulling his laptop closer to him.

Race drove to the 7/11 nearest to campus and prayed to any god listening that they sold grapefruits. The door jingled as he entered and Race was relieved to see that he was the only one there, save for the cashier- he didn’t want anyone to see him in this half-awake state. He scanned the aisles, frowning when he couldn’t find any grapefruits.

In a last ditch attempt to find what he came for, he approached the check-out counter. The cashier looked around his age, with bright red hair and hazel eyes. He was rather attractive and Race suddenly felt intimidated at the concept of interacting with the guy. He was leaning heavily on one hand and leisurely scrolling through his phone with the other.

He looked up with raised eyebrows when Race cleared his throat, “Can I help you?” He asked. He looked incredibly tired and Race felt a pang of pity for the guy. No one should have to work these ridiculous hours.

“Uh, yeah,” Race said, taking a step closer, “Do you have any grapefruits?”

The guy stared at him blankly for a moment before blinking and saying, “I’m sorry, am I delirious from sleep deprivation, or did you just ask for grapefruit?”

“Um, no,” Race said, “You heard right.”

The guy continued to stare at him and Race could almost hear his brain struggling to process his words. Then, the guy started laughing so hard tears began to stream from the corners of his eyes. Race chuckled awkwardly, unsure of how to handle the situation.

“I-I’m sorry,” The guy sputtered, “I’m so tired and I’ve worked the graveyard shift every night this week and it’s finals week, ya know, and then this hot guy comes in at god knows what time it is right now and asks me for a fucking grapefruit and honestly? That’s just how life’s going right now.”

Race blushed furiously, realizing belatedly that the guy had called him hot. It seemed like the guy realized it too, because he stopped laughing abruptly as his face turned the same shade as his hair.

“Yo, I’m sorry man,” The guy said, sitting up from his hunched over position, “I didn’t mean to, like, disrespect you or whatever.”

“It’s cool,” Race said, smiling reassuringly, “You’re good.”

The guy visibly relaxed and stood up from his stool, “Alrighty, well, let’s see what we can do about your need for a grapefruit.”

He led Race to the back of the store, opening a few of the drink coolers before letting out a soft, ‘aha’, and picking up a bottle.

“So we don’t have any literal grapefruits,” He said, handing Race the bottle, “But we do have grapefruit juice. Would that work?”

Race shrugged, “It’s good enough, thanks for looking.”

“Awesome,” The guy took the bottle back and walked back over to the cash register, quickly scanning the item and handing it back to Race, “I know it’s not really my business, but why do you need a grapefruit?”

“It’s not for me,” Race said, pulling out the five dollar bill and handing it to the guy, “My roommate gets weird cravings during finals week.”

“Ah, valid,” The guy said, taking his previous seat back on the stool behind the counter, “So I have one more question and it’s totally not a good question to ask, but I’m really tired and my judgement is off, so I’ma ask it anyway.”

Race laughed at the guy’s rambling, “Okay, shoot.”

“Wanna go on a date sometime?”

Race almost dropped the bottle of grapefruit juice in surprise, stammering impressively as he tried to get a coherent answer out, “Oh, wow, actually, uh yeah. Yes I would.”

The guy beamed and stuck out a hand, “I’m Albert by the way.”

“Race,” Race said, taking Albert’s hand and shaking it firmly.

“Well, Race, it was a pleasure to meet your acquaintance. Bless all the grapefruits in the world for allowing us to come together in this 7/11.”

Race snorted and pulled out his phone, passing it to Albert, “Truly bless the grapefruits.”

Albert passed his own phone across the counter to Race and they entered their information into each other’s contacts.

“I shall see you soon hopefully,” Race said, taking his phone back and pocketing it.

“Yes, hopefully you shall.”

Race offered Albert a little wave and left the 7/11 with a new bounce in his step. When he got back to his and Spot’s apartment, he found that Spot had moved to the living room couch and was feverishly flipping through his psychology textbook.

“Hey,” He said when Race entered, “Didya get the grapefruit?”

“Close,” Race said, chucking the bottle of grapefruit juice at Spot, “They only had juice so that’ll have to do.”

“You’re a saint, Racer,” Spot said, opening the bottle and drinking half of it in one gulp.

“Feeling better?” Race asked.

“Loads, thank you for getting it for me.”

“Anytime,” Race said, walking back to his bedroom, “Besides, it was worth it, ‘cause I got the hot cashier’s number.”

“You WHAT!?”

Race simply smiled to himself as he closed his bedroom door, hopping back into bed.

TAG LIST:

@bencookisagod

@we-dont-sell-papes

@suddenly-im-respecsable

@aw-jus-let-em-try

@well-the-kids-do-too

@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn

@thatpoorguysheadisspinning

@labert-dasilver

@andthewoildwillknow

@the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog

@sunshine-e-cigarettes

@have-we-got-news-for-you

@musical-shitposts

@thebroadwayaesthetic

#newsies #newsies fic #racetrack higgins #albert dasilva #ralbert #chaotic boys #spot just wants a goddamn grapefruit #i hate grapefruits tbh #but if you like em #then you go sis

[sunaluvs]

Hi Aether!!! I’m the anon that bawled over TAD with you and I’m back after having listened to the songs you recced...and like the entire rest of their discography...and OH MY GOD I HAVE FEELINGS

Marbles: the way they constantly rag on each other but it’s all delivered with so much obvious affection, they way they love each other in old age, “I will wait and hope your eyes aren’t rivers there to weep but a place for crows to rest their feet” KILL ME WHY DON’T YOU, SO GOOD

Welly Boots: MADE ME CRY LIKE A BABY. the fact that they left another pair of boots behind even after their death I cannot deal, and even the feeling of bitterness that comes from a dead or absent parent, they NAILED it

Farewell Wanderlust: I cannot form coherent words about this song, I can easily see why it might be one of your favorites of all time, they really wrote that and said “This is for you.” AND THEIR VOICES! ARE SO POWERFUL!

The Unwanted Animal: five minutes of asking me “aren’t you tired of being nice? don’t you wanna go apeshit?” made me go feral in he best way!

The Horror and the Wild: made me go feral part two!!! made me feel like I was in an epic fantasy story (lots of their other songs made me feel that way too hehe, the orchestration is something fantasy-obsessed younger me would have nutter over)

The Rockrose and the Thistle: so hauntingly beautiful in a way I can’t describe, like staying with someone who hurts and loves you most and not knowing how to help them and the helplessness that comes with that. an “of course we’ll hurt each other” kind of thing. the lack of an instrumental made it even better!!!

Pray: oh how I love when women are angry <3 at men <3 and resent when traditional womanhood and motherhood and genderisms are forced onto them <3 and express that anger in such an explosive way <3

The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace: so, you said this was Touya’s song and I decided to listen to it with him in mind and...yeah. Yeah. YEAH <3 “And I laugh, and I laugh, cause laughing right now, it’s all that I have” / “let’s dance together, you and I” / “but now I’m leading, doesn’t that just scare you to death” YEEEAAAH <333 IT’S SO HIM, I saw it as him talking or referring to a few different members of his family depending on the lyrics (mainly Endeavor of course) and...yeah I’m sad thinking about it. so damn good!!!

Out of the ones I listened to on my own, my favorites were easily Drinking Song For the Socially Anxious (another one that they literally said “here, this is written for you, go cry now,” it’s like they put what it’s like not knowing how to talk to people and feeling lonely and wanting company but being so content with the loneliness that’s existed for so long that it barely feels different anymore when you can’t find company into exact words so viscerally and...yeah, I sobbed), Little Miss Why So (I suffer from depression and thinking about relationships and stuff, THIS SONG IS BRUTAL), Shower Day (brutal for the same reasons), Wild Blue Yonder (another “of course we’ll hurt each other hand in unloveable hand” type), Inkpot Screaming (more Todoroki fam things...general breaking the cycle of abuse things...incoherent screaming), Pruning Shears (this one’s a little harder to explain but I Love It, kind of like being tired of expectations/waiting for something to happen?), and of course Fair and Chords (still make me cry).

So yeah... I’m obsessed. Thank you so much for introducing me to them, from the lyrics to the orchestration to the little references to literature and mythology, they’re an absolute hidden gem and I have a bunch of new favorite songs. <333

Sorry this is so long by the way!!! I just had a lot to say, hehe

under the cut bc this is so fucking long JSKSHDJDJS

OMG HELLO ANON!!!! IM SO HAPPY TO SEE U AGAIN (n sorry for the belated reply HDNBDNSB). you have no idea how psyched i am at this reply oh my GOD DJDGHFBDFJ. YES. YES TO EVERYTHING YOU SAID OH MY GOD

drinking song for the socially anxious hits so fucking hard LMAO its so painfully relatable and the song means so much to me fr. little miss why so and shower day r ALSO THE SAME WAY FOR ME!! these two are so heartbreaking oh my god i cant stand it. the “for christ’s sake, just say something” verse in shower day and “”why won’t you believe i love you if i’m not hurting you?” he says” verse in LMWS make me so SAD. SO SAD OH MY GOD. these songs just make me hurt so bad

ALSO PRUNING SHEARS!!! OH MY GOD YES i was debating whether to put it on my rec list for you because its one of my favs but i said ill leave it for later cuz it was getting too long HSDJDHDJ. im so in love w the way the lines overlay it scratches a very specific itch in my brain lmao its so good. another song i was debating to mention was elsa’s song + battle cries!! have you listened to these yet? if not, i HIGHLY recommend you do. theyre SO so good.

AND IM SO GLAD YOU HEARD TOWSGMG OMG I WAS SO OBSESSED W LISTENING TO IT AND THINKING OF TOUYA JSDJHDHNKSDH my absolute favorite thing about this song is the progression of the character in the song and just how WELL it fits w touya’s OWN descent into villainy.. the beginning where he’s being taken care of by this witch, and its so gentle and the singing is so soft.. and then the middle where he’s left that sort of sanctuary and now has to deal w the old man and it gets more violent and intense but also the witch is still there!! and shes trying to help!! but clearly it doesnt do much because in the end... HEJDFH THE ENDING IS WHAT REALLY GETS ME!! BC WE REACH THE TOUYA WE KNOW AND HES GONE MAD AND “sometimes i fall to pieces / just to see what bits of me don’t fit” + “’cause we’ll dance together so close we’re sharing breath / but now i’m leading, doesn’t that just scare you to death?” + “’cause i’m not trapped, oh with you, you see / you’re the one who’s trapped with me.” + “my head’s not yours it’s mine / and i’ll take my fucking time.” THESE LINES JUST MAKE ME GO INSANEEEE. and the tension build up from the beginning of this specific part to the end of the song is done SO WELL!!!

jshfhfjdhdjshj anyway!!!! reading your response made me so happy. SO HAPPY. i’m so glad i could introduce you to this band and you ended up w some new favs <3 they truly are a hidden gem i myself am so happy that i managed to discover them

#HDJDHJDFBSJD I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN I SAW UR ASK LMAO #if i had a tail itd be wagging rn fr #i hope you have a fun time replaying all their songs <333 have a good day/night lovely!!!! #a.answers #[ ♡ ] — anon #aether talks music

[h-200-decloth]

This one time i almost got kidnapped. u/ForgottenLiquidSmoke This is long and im sorrybout that. BUT, all of this happened to me and i remember it like vivid as hell. It ends well. And i dont drink in public because of this. Im also not their friend anymore as they judged me, but they are alive to do so and that is good. This happened about 6 or 7 years ago back then I was young, hot and stupid and an un-admitted alchy. But everyone i worked with in travel drank every time they were off work. So i was in california on business and i had gone out with 2 coworkers and we were smashed but coherent enough to check out we left. Though we needed assistance to get a cab. The sushi place ordered us one. Someone tipped them and all three of us sloshed in the taxi. I had drank since was 17 so my tolerance and drunk awareness was honed. My friends nodded off in the taxi. Drunk. Lights out. I was trying to stay awake as the designated directory because this guy “barely knew english” but lil short spoke fluently and gave him address and directions. And said we would tip him well when we got there safe or something like that as she laughed. We were drunk girls staying in le mesa but kinda near tijuana, I guess (important) even though he had gps he was “avoiding” the highway. I also had my gps up, it was a drunk girl safty measure I learned somewhere. I noticed it kept rerouting and searching via my gps. Now I know. Now I know that (he knew where he was intending go was not where we ordered) but back then me listened to him say detour and traffic and short cuts. With a 20 min drive from food to the hotel turned into like a 2 hour drive by 1.5 hours drunk me was having trouble maintaining consciousness, and telling him wrong turn via my maps gps. I had drank so much, he would get us there I prayed. He turned on the heat too. It was warm and id roll asleep but jerk awake. My drunk mind wanted the sleep my friends had lulled into. But my fight or flight said wake up b*tch!! He got a call and I nodded off to the ringer song he had that was trendy back then. It was some American country song I knew too. Though that didn’t clue me in. I awoke to him saying in clear english that like scared me to my bone. Not because he was innocently bilingual. But, because he seemed shy and acted as though he only spoke spanish when we got in his taxi. So him speaking english made me wake up but not cue him in. As fight mode brain needed to clear the drunk fog and make a plan. I observed my surroundings without alerting him. So i became squinty eyed and listened like a hawk!!! He said in english after acting like “no english, piqueno” “”YEAH I KNOW. IT TOOK(looked back) it took a while for the one girl to fall asleep, she had gps talked to bf on phone or faked it, her phone died. all drunk yeah, potato sacks, ones a two manner. The other two are shoulder bitches” Silence (other person talking maybe). Driver again “2 minutes maybe 10 theres a cop and lights and a wreck ahead here. (Quite other person maybe) “NO, NO, NO, IM AT A RED LIGHT! YEAH, YEAH… WELL IM A TAXI. NO, NO THEY ARE DISTRACTED, ACCIDENT okay shit” and some mumbles and a flip phone snap. Well I saw blue lights and then the cop car. It was there like magic. Drunk brain Safety magic. I saw the red street light and drunk brain decided; make scene get cops!!!! SOOO I started gagging like i was gonna throw up. I wanted the driver distracted. And i kind of did a throwup mouthful on the center console and on his baggy shirt. Which was a feat for me, from the right side of the back seat since i had to push my friends off me to do it. But I grabbed the door handle and lock and jiggled and tug but they wouldnt budge and it wouldnt open. I started screaming “ima throw up more, open this” and my friends were awakened and in a drunken stuper like "hold it its a short drive we are almost there” as they were passed out and had no clue of the two hour reroutes even after i woke em up. one brushed my spittle splash of throwup and started throwing up in the same spot and she had eaten and drank alot (the larger girl) now we were all gagging from the smell for real including the driver. The light we had sat at had turned green and we were about to pass the cops and he the taxi driver in english mumbled hed “charge us extra to clean it, an arm and a leg.” And he laughed I started banging on the window cus he wouldnt let me out and a cop was directing traffic around whatever accident. The cop who thankfully saw us beckoned us stop and got other cop attention. There were a few cop cars because whatever accident near the border i guess. It was the tijuana border as i saw an orange diamond sign that said that city name tijuana and border detour. And there was an accident with cops tending it. Under and underpass and driver was mumbling only road or whatever. So a cop stood in front of his car directing traffic where to go but had stopped us and one right next to the passenger side,directing traffic very slow, he was standing in traffic he was almost against my window on the passanger side, a cop showing people how to avoid accident rubble and the cars. I turned into an animal looked straight at the cop banged on the window with my almost dead phone and my hand, pried at the door knob and looked terrified in hopes he would stop this taxi. Luckily the cop in front and the cop on side somehow communicated and i heard tire spins. Not us. A fast acting cop pulled in front of him. They made him pull over into parking lot and I’m screaming get me out and my friends are like calm down we are drunk and police but i wanted out police were safer than whatever his phone conversation was about and an officer was talking to him and he “didnt speak english again and needed a translator” and i only know that cuz the cop said it would take a while to get a translator was he sure and that i needed to settle down. And the guy must have said hed wait but the cops were busy and discussing lettin him take us home… I wanted to get the cop mad so i said NOOOO. So now i started screaming “hes a kidnapper get a promotion get me out of here” and just going bonkers because we were covered in vomit the police had been trying to talk over me for a few minutes with this guy who “ didnt know english” and i said “he fucken knows enlish and speaks it!!!” And they said something like settle down we are busy that they didnt want to book me for being a silly drunk girl. Some pussy card bullshit. So i freaked and said “no no fuck it arrest me.” My friends were now angry and worried but i wanted safety even if my record was shit. I didnt want to be potatoes. So they again tried to calm me and said they were gonna let him go drop us off. So i left the door alone and started hitting him! I was hoping violent smacked would make the cops question our situation we were stuck in. I screamed i was violent and going to off him…drunk and illogical or not who cares. More cops had now circled the taxi to watch and more cop cars kind of circled us. and I started crying and my friends were now fading against the other door and crying too and judging me. and I kept slapping him in the head and he screamed in pure clean english “BITCH!!! YOU’RE DEAD. hit me one more time your dead. your dead.” Then everything went fast cops pulled guns and made him unlock us. I jumped out throwing my heels first. We got out and i hugged the cop that was originally next to my window he seemed scared of me. But i hugged the shit out of him and cried. My friends stood there awkward. He finally hugged me back and petted my hair. The cops decided to take us to the hotel and were gona have me/us file a report the next day but said it might not be needed because so many cops saw. I wasnt asked to write a statement or to show up anywhere. I was just asked to sign a mostly blank paper stating he was a kidnapper and had a long phone call i told them about. Also my friends signed a completely blank statement paper. We never saw tickets or charges on our names and we never even wrote our names aside from cursive sinage. I never heard from the cops but that guy was fighting the cops when we left His taxi. And the cops used a shock gun/tazer thing cuz he pushed someone and tried to run. And he was saying weird shit in english!! Which was funny because he had first made them think he needed a translator because he ‘knew’ no english. BUT we were safe!!!! My former coworkers were safe. To the cali taxi driver and your flip phone friend lets not meet ever ever again. https://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/a07n8e/this_one_time_i_almost_got_kidnapped/

[dekumidoriyall]

I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

#personal