#im so sick of it. im so sick of it. ash is on new meds. i cant take meds bc the OCD says theyre evil

[thedogsleg]

I need to be CAKE's top listener. I need it. But i only listen to music like 5 hours a day. Even if its all CAKE im still fucked.

#can u belive my comute is such a way that its only like an hour of travel each way #but i have to factor in just WAITING for over an hour each way on top of it. insane. #me op #i dunno if i can handle tomorow. i could handle going in #but going in and being there ALL DAY AND THEN waiting and waiting to come home and then and then #i really am a bitch. people in this world have full time jobs. and i cant travel to go draw pictures bc train 2 dirty 🥺 #KILL YOURSELF. #also i was so fucking cold all day. like. the kind where ive been in the house for 4 hours and Im still cold. #like into my ribs into my organs cold. how. #whatever. we continue. #i dont wanna do it. i wanna stay at home amd play video game. bc im a wuss #dude its so dirty. its even like. i could go in on wednesday. id AANT to even. i know that. so i should go tomorow so i can #like apreciate it. but train dirty and hands dirty and people dirty and dirty dirty dirty #im so sick of it. im so sick of it. ash is on new meds. i cant take meds bc the OCD says theyre evil #but then the evil is UGHH. AND I CANT EVEN SYA THAT BC THE OCD IS RIGHT #IM NOT ALLOWED TO FUCKING DISSAGREE GRRR BARK BARK #I WISH I WAS COW I WISH I COULD KICK AND BITE LIKE AN ANIMAL I WISH I LIVED IN THE BEFORE TIMES AND JUST BECAME A MURFER INSTEAD #FUCKKKK #kinda got away from ther original post there. oops.

[trappedbeautyunleashed]

I have this strange feeling that I'm not myself anymore and I’m scared I’ll never find her… I’ve been in such a bad mental space that I can’t even explain it, it’s so exhausting just to wake up and go through the days motions but I'm used to it, and how bad it is, and how often it's so bad that it rings like a bell inside of me, drowning out everything around me. The truth is that I get frustrated with myself about it again and again but i can’t fix it ….I take meds but I’m still like this still? Again? It's not that I feel weak, precisely. It's just this sense almost like - I've already been pushing against this Demon for years now, shouldn't I have gained more ground? I get frustrated because I'm sick of picking up the loose ends and I get frustrated because it's always this same shit, same problem - I lose myself in a matter of months and spiral out of control, lose touch with friends and loved ones. I stop taking care of myself and therapy gets harder to the point I want to avoid it and I let everything around me wilt and shrivel and fall off.somehow I start both sleeping too much and not enough. I get panic-attacks just from simple tasks …just the other day I was having one and literally bawling in my car in the parking lot of DG pulling my hair out and hurting my ribs from sobbing so hard - and later, when I'm better, I'm embarrassed because how could I let it get that far?!?It feels like I already have done this so many times. Isn't there a way out of it? Isn't there a point where I've just... finally won? that it never happens again, that I just get to be done? maybe this is weakness that I often feel but comes to a point where I am used to it so I forget exactly how hard it gets. Do you even know how many times I’ve laid in bed, exhausted, blank and numb and try to drown out the thoughts with music as I lay there crying out to God- I can't anymore. I just can't. Im not even really upset just broken and lost…”It's okay” I hear but in that moment all I feel is that I’ve been here long enough. so much of my life was beautiful until the darkness took over .... I'm just... done. Do you know how many times I wake up and I say -I can't and put my feet on the floor and said I can't, I don't want to and literally forced myself to get up and take a shower, feed and dress my kid but it’s just to much work to make my own so I just don’t won’t eat that day. I put a nice playlist on and try to dance it out but I really can't and it sucks because then the thoughts start suffocating me there is no end to this and I go to my appointment and I called a friend just to get no answer,I made myself coffee even if everything tasted like ashes and decided that I really should wait for the new album from that artist I love and i thought I can't, it's not worth it and then I washed my hands and dye my hair,drank more water and wrote some gibberish,signed up for some fancy Mom group that I’ll never really attend because by the time it comes around my mind and body say I just can't, i try to fight back like I’m at war…I can't, I won't do this again, and I paid my rent but haven’t vacuumed or sweapt all week but still made myself eat something fresh and healthy even if it meant overdrawing my account on a stupid bag of carrots just because they looked delicious and do you know how often I closed my eyes and thought this is it I really fucking can't anymore seriously something has to give and I have nothing left that this “illness” can take but then I force my eyes closed till I finally drift to sleep and morning comes and I wake up and realize I survived another day anyway.

#keepgoing #mystoryisntoveryet #mentalhealthisreal #dontsufferinsilence

[sword-dad-fukuzawa]

.............okay, p.s.: i also really wanna know about dr stone and horimiya

(also thank u for the shoutout; im SO glad u enjoyed HTR this much :D)

dhfjkd HTR IS FREE SEROTONIN OKAY IT WAS SO GOOD :D

Anyway! Dr. Stone's basic premise is that all humans got petrified for several thousand years, and now Earth is basically all nature again. Senku, the protagonist, manages to break his petrification and sets out to retake the planet with the power of SCIIEEEEENCE.

It's absolutely hilarious. This kid looks like a green onion but he has a brain the size of a planet, he's so smart. And kind of a grumpy asshole who gets very arrogant and nitpicky about science until he gets to infodump about it. I am very fond of him because I do the same thing. But he also is very aware of his weaknesses: namely, he's a shrimp and can't do any of the heavy lifting/manual labor needed to do science in what amounts to the stone age.

So he unpetrifies his school buddy! Taiju! Who is very stronk! He's also a simp so as soon as he and Senku figure out how to consistently unpetrify people, he goes and revives his school crush, Yuzuriha. All three of them are besties who would die for each other and it's great.

They uh, then fuck up by reviving the school delinquent, who turns out to be this charismatic Tarzan of a man that thinks all the adults should stay dead so he can build a better world on the ashes of the old. He goes around smashing statues of people as a result.

Senku is fucking horrified.

Anyway, stuff happens and the two of them end up being leaders of opposing factions, essentially. Senku ends up getting a whole village of unpetrified people to back him, making new friends, new devices (a radio! a car! tuberculosis meds!!) and new plans. He recruits this guy named Gen, who is a magician and his main talent is lying his ass off in any given situation, which is hilarious.

There are some fights. There are some betrayals. There is much scheming. It's altogether very sweet and funny, though it has a lot of heart in the form of angst and the power of friendship. Also it gets kinda gay at the end of S2. Senku is an aroace icon though.

Horimiya is not like Dr. Stone at all considering it's a romance anime, but a very good one!! I don't watch a lot of shoujo romance and Horimiya is the singular one I've watched that's set at a school. But from what I heard, it does shoujo really well.

No awkward misunderstandings to drive the plot, the couple gets together quickly enough that you get to see what they're like when they're dating, love triangles are handled with surprising realism and kindness...all in all, it's really very soft. I'd warn for some oblique references to self harm tendencies because one of the main characters struggles with depression, but Horimiya is, at its core, about said main character learning that life doesn't actually suck all the time and finding people who love him.

Also, all the side characters are so fuckin loveable and interesting. Nobody's perfect--they're all teenagers, after all--and their difficulties and conflicts are treated with genuine care, which I think is lovely. It's also kind of hilarious. The main premise is that Miyamura looks like "an otaku loser" but actually has sick piercings and tattoos?? Which make for great comedy later.

I love both of these anime for being wholesome pick-me-up anime :)

#reyni :0 #ahhh i should rewatch dr stone soon #it's getting a tv special this year and im excited

[kyohiba]

Xue Yang’s 420 Punishing Reincarnations AU. Final Modern Setting

but hmmmmmm I Wonder,

in that final one,

yeeting patriarch how did they all come to meet

in another one of his reincarnation he gets pimples every week

LMAO SORRY

mmMMMMM good question

we said they meet a-qing last

ssyifpfff🌙 do we wanna be cheesy lmao

8h 8 hours ago yes, since shes a lot younger than them

as long the Angst Lives On,

the beginning of their meeting needs some angst

yeeting patriarch either song lan or xue yang meeting xiao xingchen, the beginning of their relationships...

OH MAYBE XUE YANG NEEDS HELP FOR WHATEVER REASON N XXC FINDS HIM, LIKE MAYBE HE FALLS N HURTS HIMSELF N XXC PUTS A BAND AID ON OR SOME SHIT

ssyifpfff🌙 as an allusion to when they meet in yi city uwu

8h 8 hours ago ssyifpfff🌙 so tht its familiar n xue yang gets the de javus

8h 8 hours ago OMG. PARALLELS

yeeting patriarch HELL YEA PLEASE

n then he can meet song lan while going to buy groceries idk

ssyifpfff🌙 maybe they fite for the last bag of avocados

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch what about xxc and song lan were childhood friends and had a fight and suddenly young song lan had to move out and never got to apologize to xxc but then years later he moved back and found xxc again

ssyifpfff🌙 as long as no one loses any eyes

8h 8 hours ago NO LOSING EYES

yeeting patriarch EVERYONE HAS THEIR EYES AND EYESIGHT

ssyifpfff🌙 NO HEAVY ANGST IN THIS HOUSE FOR THIS LIFETIME

8h 8 hours ago like. first xxc meets xue yang

who got hurt... uhh... how he couldve gotten hurt...

yeeting patriarch lmao he was skating and while doing a Sick Move TM he mf fell down and got wrecked

YES PLS LMAO

A SICK MOVE

ssyifpfff🌙 he got an arm cramp while dabbing

8h 8 hours ago innocent xxc was passing by at the time, saw everything and went to help xue yang. because his golden pure heart lives on

yeeting patriarch HE DABBED WHILE DOING THOSE SKATE FLIPS AND FELL DOWN ON HIS FACE

ssyifpfff🌙 HE BROKE HIS NECK HITTING THT WHOA

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch as xxc helped him, xue yang experiences the Doki

xxc takes him to his apartment to take care of his wounds

and after this incident, xue yang shows up a lot around xxc's place

yeeting patriarch (hes got a bit of a bad situation at home, hes always outside like a stray cat)

ssyifpfff🌙 hes like "should i take u to a hospital?" n xue yang i slike NO GO AWAY "then let me at least bandage u, my apartment is close by" xue yangs gay ass: oh worm?

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch YES

N THEY SLOWLY BECOME CASUAL FREIDNS THEN ..... SOMETHIN ELSE

ssyifpfff🌙 WE GOTTA GET THT DOMESTIC BLISS

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch BUT IT'S SLOW BURN

mayb xue yang is a runaway n is in need of a roomie

ssyifpfff🌙 YES SLOW BURN OBV

8h 8 hours ago remember: this time he gotta earn for xxc's affections

yes! xue yang its ur turn to cook

yeeting patriarch xxc is a bit wary of him for some reason although he helped and helps him out. his good heart cannot ignore it

ssyifpfff🌙 them going to buy groceries n xue yang being a Pro at bargaining for lower prices

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch ever so slowly, xiao xingchen at first really starts feeling he got himself to take care of a stray cat

like............ this happened in yi city tbh, xue yang did manage to make xxc laugh like no one else :(

ssyifpfff🌙 im sad now

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch PARALLELS... KEEP THEM COMING

ssyifpfff🌙 XXC HAS TO SEE XUE YANG HAS A GOOD HEART EVEN IF HE LOOKS LIKE A DELINQUENT

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch at some point though,

xue yang gets 100% kicked out his home

he has nowhere else to go

truth to be told, boi got no close friends

it's a rainy night

and xiao xingchen is coming home after uni (what is he studying)

in front of his place, in the rain, is xue yang

yeeting patriarch when he realizes xingchen came, xue yang looks up and tries to grin at xxc but he only manages a half smile

BABEYYY

HE SAID NO ANGST FOR HIM IN THIS LIFETIME ASDFGRFGVS

ssyifpfff🌙 i WANT xxc to be studyin at cheff school but i think med school would fit him better

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch MED SCHOOL FOR SURE

ssyifpfff🌙 n it would make sense as to why he has bandages n is good at putting thm on

8h 8 hours ago Y E S

xue yang currently a drop out for financial problems due his situation at home

we really ain't giving it easy for xue yang even in the reincarnation it should be finally Ok for him

yeeting patriarch Understandable

ssyifpfff🌙 we had to do it to him

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch at the sight of xue yang in the rain looking Miserable TM, xingchen's heart aches

at this point they been getting close, xue yang casually COINDICENTALLY going to the same skating place over n over even tho its actually not tht big or tht good for skating

ssyifpfff🌙 god we rly made him a skater boi

8h 8 hours ago ssyifpfff🌙 see ya later boi

8h 8 hours ago i cannot see it now

skater boi xue yang confirmed

anyway

xingchen let's xue yang stay over as xue yang kinda explains the situation

he promises he will find himself a place and wont get in the way

yeeting patriarch but... yknow how it is when the Living Together situation happens

in reality xue yang is Super smart, like genious smart like ash lynx smart, n xxc prob notices n encourages him to pursue a studyin path

xxc is a nerd in all his lifetimes

ssyifpfff🌙 tht way xue yang could get a scholarship n help

8h 8 hours ago yeeting patriarch OH NOOOOO GOT SLAPPED BY A THOUGHT THAT ENDED ME kinda nicely

ssyifpfff🌙 SLAP M

8h 8 hours ago as xingchen let's xue yang stay over, he gets xue yang a place to sleep in his living room. it's the only available place, his apartment isn't big. and in the morning, when xingchen wakes up, he finds xue yang sleeping kinda curled up like a cat, sleeping occupying a small place

yeeting patriarch also xue yang being Genius 💯 xingchen noticing it and encouraging him 💯💯💯

OH BABEY SAIDFGDSKFJBGS

a tiny stray cat

ssyifpfff🌙 its such a cheesy metaphor in fics BUT I LOVE ITTT

7h 7 hours ago as time goes by,

they grow closer

yeeting patriarch xue yang starts even helping xingchen with his studies although this isnt an area he likes nor has much interest

yeeting patriarch they go on growing close

xingchen starts paying more attention to some things about xue yang. that he carries a sadness within him

masked by his delinquent attitude

xingchen starts lowering his walls

yeeting patriarch (at this point xue yang is already deep in love but yknow tsun boy)

tsun boy skater boy

asdfka, xue yang going to xxcs campus n waiting around for his classes to end

"no i just like the sandwiches from the cafeteria here" "but ur broke" "IM HERE TO SMELL THEM"

ssyifpfff🌙 n xxc buys him the dam sandwich n they sit to eat together T0T

7h 7 hours ago hoes trying to approach xue yang as he waits for xingchen, since xue yang is Good Looking. But he... hisses at other people

hes only... non feral around xingchen

what would xue yang study tho 🤔

yeeting patriarch before he had to drop out and then when he managed to go back

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well he did do all tht w the sticks on wen ning and song lan, maybe... neuroscience

or maybe he goes feral n studies art idk

ssyifpfff🌙 he would be good at anything really

7h 7 hours ago he does look like an art hoe somehow

and Yup. boi could do Anything

let's settle this later

yeeting patriarch as for now...

the domestic bliss continues

before they realize, they're searching for a bit bigger apartment. with at the least two rooms

(No Homo phase)

two bedrooms*

they manage to find one, share the living costs

domestic bliss lives on

THEN, ONE DAY...

at xingchen's uni

yeeting patriarch a new student arrives

yeeting patriarch 😏

he moved back to the city

xingchen and song lan immediately recognized each other

yeeting patriarch with some tension

ssyifpfff🌙 (no homo phase) LMAO

7h 7 hours ago yeeting patriarch xue yang, the bastard cat, goes wait for xingchen at his uni. grinning showing his fangs and all. unaware

xue yang sees xingchen's silhouette and approaches

then he noticed song lan

hes hit by some unknown feeling. similar the one he had when he first meet xingchen

he, clever bastard, notices the tension in the sir between the two hotties

yeeting patriarch hides close by, as xxc and sl didnt notice when he was approaching

hes a bit far and cant hear well their convo but picks a few words here and there

yeeting patriarch "it's been so long", "wanted to see you again", "i am sorry"

and hes there like "uuuuh am i bein cucked" but deep down he gets a feeling too

he prob feels he wants to go meet thm but shouldnt

thru their rship he prob feels a lot of guilt, specially seein thm together, n the worst part is tht he cant understand Why he feels tht guilt

he might think he should be around xxc if he has finally found some1, like he doenst wanna be in the way

all the while bein a chaotic bastard w sl ofc

ssyifpfff🌙 n song lan actually finds him fun to be around heh

7h 7 hours ago THE CONFLICTED FEELINGS... the feelings the doesnt understand...

chaotic ass xy starts Bottling Up it all

hes been getting Messy

as he sees xxc and sl getting closer and closer, getting along better and better

he feels he should Leave them. that unsettling mysterious guilty feeling is there all the time

yeeting patriarch although he enjoys being with the two so much

yeeting patriarch one day xy reaches his limit. his mind, his heart are a mess. hes always been on the emotionally constipated side, but now it was different and overwhelming

he was growing a bit distant the past few weeks. both xxc and sl noticed although xy tried to mask it, grinning around, as always

yeeting patriarch but his gaze would give him in sometimes

one day, as xxc comes home, he is greeted by silence. a dark and cold apartment. by that hour, xy was already at home. worry grew in xxc's heart

he called for xy, but no answers came

yeeting patriarch ANNND it's almost 02:30 am i need sleep Badly

yeeting patriarch meme ya Later. dream of this au. hmu with new thoughts. nyeehaw

ssyifpfff🌙 ASSADK XUE YANG dam u u done it again.

7h 7 hours ago ssyifpfff🌙 he didint even leave a note, but xxc knows him too well n finds him fast n asks wtf is up (not like tht obv) n xue yang cant explain properly but he basically confesses tht hes grateful for xxc opening his home to basically a stranger but he understands him n song lan crealry missed each other n he shouldnt get in the way

7h 7 hours ago ssyifpfff🌙 n xxc is like "but song lan n i,,,, we both love u so much"

7h 7 hours ago n song lan comes by (xxc called him so he could help w finding the cat) n hes like "heh u ran away bc ur jealous?" "IM NOT u idiot im leaving the way open for ur dumb ass" "n what about ur way? is it open too?" (IDK WHY im imagining song lan as a suave guy whn in reality hes prob rly dense n awkwards too but let me dream)

ssyifpfff🌙 xue yang is pikachu stunned.jpg

7h 7 hours ago yeeting patriarch I HAD TO READ THOSE BEFORE DREAMLAND i will reply properly when i Rise

ssyifpfff🌙 have a good dream nyari may the xue chara dev visit u in ur sleep

7h 6 hours ago yeeting patriarch IVE RISEN

SUAVE GUY SONG LAN IS HONESTLY TO LIVE FOR xy is a tsun, xxc kinda slow so somebody in this house gotta do the work

BUT IMAGINE

after he says that and xue yang goes pikachu_agape.jpg

xingchen on the side blushes furiously

yeeting patriarch then after a "..." 3 secs, song lan becomes a blushy mess

yeeting patriarch xxc, tenderly, grabs one of xy hands and tells him "let's go home"

xy feels like a bit part of that heavy feeling has been lifted from him as xxc holds into his hand and sl gazes softly at him. THEN, A RARE MOMENT HAPPENS... chaotic disaster xy, doesnt give his fangy grin, but a small smile

yeeting patriarch the three of them go to their home

after this, as some time goes by, before they realize, song lan has moved in with them. they bought a bigger bed

(No Homo phase kicked into outer space)

Song lan n xy just constantly embarrassing themselves n each other fskdhdjd

3h 3 hours ago now we gotta reach the a-qing point of the au

xxc gets a thirdhand embarrassment with them sometimes

i really, really like to think xue yang's sleeping habits are a bit like a cats

even the "more docile and cuddly when sleeping" part

SINCE WE MADE HIM SHORTER ON THIS, and i think both xxc and sl are 185cm... oh the bliss

yeeting patriarch AND OF COURSE HIS SWEET TOTH REMAINS

HES THE TINY ONE

IN A 3 PPL RSHIP WHOSE THE LITTLE SPOON??? IDK HOW BUT ITS HIM

ssyifpfff🌙 he’s the lettuce of the sandwich

3h 3 hours ago yeeting patriarch "are u a big or little spoon, xue yang?" xy: im a KNIFE xxc & sl, at the same time: hes the little spoon

ssyifpfff🌙 ASFGJSHFIUFM

3h 3 hours ago yeeting patriarch OMGGHSJKSKSK HOL P

ssyifpfff🌙 “I am a dagger under ur pillow” “ok”

3h 3 hours ago yeeting patriarch xxc keeping candies with him to give xy :')

ssyifpfff🌙 OFC

3h 3 hours ago xy says fuck it in this au and becomes a Baker

yeeting patriarch sl... what is he

ssyifpfff🌙 OOOH SO HE CAN MAKE DESSERTS!!!! YAS

3h 3 hours ago yeeting patriarch architect would be cool

Or designer engineer

ssyifpfff🌙 Or a VET

3h 3 hours ago OMG A VET

yeeting patriarch YES

ssyifpfff🌙 N he constantly compares xy w the kittens he attends

3h 3 hours ago YESSSSSSSSS

yeeting patriarch WE GOT IT, WE GOT IT ALL

“Today there was a black cat tht wouldn’t let me pick it up, reminded me of u” the next day “today there was a kitten tht wouldn t stop licking my hand, reminded me of u”

ssyifpfff🌙 “Today the cat bit me, reminded me of u”

3h 3 hours ago xxc - doctor sl - vet

SUIT THEM SO WELL

and baker xy... a pleasant surprise

he makes the best sweet stuff but hes a disaster cooking savory food. sweets only man

also T0T in the future when they get a-qing,

xy uses his baker ways to approach her

yeeting patriarch yknow like he did back then with the candies but this time... not devilishly

[jaws330]

Fatalis but with actual edits this time

Allot easier to read and with real grammar. cheers Sonya for the help. im not a writer by nature so it helps when people with actual talent help out.

________________________________________________________________

Four men sit apart from each other in the hull of a ship. Wood creaks as the ship pushes through another swell. The men haven’t spoken much to each other since preparing for the trip 2 mornings ago. Jackson scans the room, checking on his team members. Marlow and Ike hadn’t moved in hours, and Hans was still focusing on his meditation. The group’s Palico, Thellow, had brought down fish from the upper decks and encouraged everyone to eat, but no one seemed interested. The journey was worse than many of the hunts the men had been on.

Jackson and Ike had been hunting wyverns and dragons all over the continent for the last 10 years. Marlow was new. That isn’t to say he was without skill. Jackson and Ike had seen the kid rip a diablos tail clean off with 5 good slice shots that Ike had bet strongly he wouldn’t be able to make. Marlow had a keen eye, but he didn’t have the same willpower the others did. Jackson was worried he wouldn’t be up to par for this hunt.

He didn’t have the greatest tact when talking to others, so after a while of contemplation he moves over to Ike and sits next to him on the floor. The floor creaks more as Jackson’s weight sinks upon it. The damp wood smell doesn’t help to lift the mood either, not that any of them seem to notice. The simple act of moving towards the prey they had been asked to hunt was harder than any of them expected.

Jackson leans his head over to Ike and whispers, “Could you check on Marlow? I don’t think he’s doing well.”

Ike looks back at Jackson. His eyes are red, and the skin under them sags. He must have been sobbing, though Jackson hadn’t noticed. Ike gulps, taking a deep breath. He looks like he’s about to say something but can’t find the words. He exhales in despair. The two look to Marlow, who has lifted his head at the new activity. Marlow stares back at his two seniors, and within a few moments he breaks down and cries. Ike rubs his eyes and starts to compose himself. Standing up, he walks to Marlow and places his arm around his shoulders, comforting him as best he can.

Hans hasn’t said anything, or even noticed the energy in the room change. He had been meditating for the last day. The Wyverians had it easy. They could focus their minds and remain steeled even in the worst situations. The rest of the men were only human and could not help but dread the impossible task they had been given.

The monster they had been sent to kill was growing more and more confident in its prowess. Everyday it seemed like its area of influence was growing. More towns burnt to the ground. More bodies are incinerated while running for their lives. And more hunters burnt, killed, or mutilated beyond recognition. The impression of glory from the hunt had faded from most hunters’ minds. All that was left was the depression of knowing that those who face this creature have forfeited their lives.

Jackson was nervous, but had expected a fight like this to come at some point in his career. Ike too, but with less acceptance than Jackson. Marlow had only been an official hunter for 2 years. He showed lots of potential but still had a lot to live for.

Despite showing strong will in the face of an impossible task, there was still something burning in the back of Jackson’s mind. He’d had a song stuck in his head for the last few days since news of the hunt came in. He was surprised by the persistence of his own brain to keep the song running at every waking moment. It was not even a good song. It was only ever sung by kids playing games, and Jackson couldn’t remember the last time he had even heard it sung out loud. But in stressful situations the mind can fixate on things. Even things you might not want it to.

_______________________________________________________________

A few hours later the boat comes up to port.

“Finally,” says Ike.

He is the first and by far the most eager to get off the boat. Jackson thought that getting on with things is probably the best move for everyone. Waiting just let the mind stew and overall wasn’t going to help the hunt at all. Hans jumps to shore first and ties down the boat. The others prepare their gear and pass it over one by one. The metal boxes of explosives, ammo, and blades were an awkward shape, and heavy for most. Ike jumps on shore as well to help Hans with carrying everything, while Jackson and Marlow pass the boxes across. They take extra care not to slip on the wet stone of the port. It had been sleeting here for some time and most of the stone and wood was covered in moss. Losing a weapon box here would be not only embarrassing, but tragic. Even losing one weapon would put a huge burden on the rest of the hunt and create even more risks which none of the men wanted to take.

Once the supplies were on shore, they set about looking for a place to stay the night. The clouds around Schrade were always thick and dark ever since the beast moved in. The port town at the base of the mountain where they had just landed was a hollow shell of what it used to be. The town’s name had been burned away with its people. Now all that was left was a few streets of wooden shacks, either black from ash and fire or bleached white from the sea and time. The streets were an eroded cobble path of wet granite. Grass and small plants were pushing past the stone to reach what little sunlight they could. The group venture into town, already knowing the location of the one building that would give them some refuge for the night.

At the end of the main street there is a well-built stone and oak building used by the town's fire brigade. Suitably, it was the only building that was not totally destroyed by fire. The hunter’s guild had already scouted out the area to make the journey a little easier, and after the two nights of sailing the old abandoned building seems like a luxury hotel. The metal door swings open easily and inside there are a few old sleeping mats, a pile of firewood, and a pile of paper scraps. The group pauses after seeing the rather basic and dismal interior. Marlow let out a disappointed exhale. He had been looking forward to a real bed. Hans enters first and moves to the right-hand side of the building. He drops his bag and swings around, clapping his hands together.

“All right boys, who’s getting the fire started?”

Thellow crawls in between the hunter’s legs and runs for a pile of old drapes. Rain was not a Palicos friend and scraps of cloth were a nice reprieve. Marlow, Ike, and Jackson let out the first smile in days. They needed someone like Hans to take the reins for a bit.

After about an hour, Marlow got the fire burning. Thellow had set up a camping grill and was preparing some fish for the group. Hans was thumbing through the scraps of paper while Ike was writing on one.

"Would you like to write one too, Jackson?” Hans called out from across the fire.

Jackson was going through the metal boxes they had brought, checking everything was where it was meant to be. Some hunters hated how neurotic he got when preparing. However, his policy of triple checking before a hunt meant that no one hunting with Jackson had ever worried about running out of medicine or drugs during the expedition. He had checked the weapons and med packs 12 times since packing.

Hans called out again. “ Jackson, are you going to add your own letter or not?”

Finally out of his packing trance, Jackson perkshis head up and quickly replies: “Yes, yes, of course I’ll write something. Let me just finish and I’ll come over”.

Hans rolls his eyes while Ike snickers. They are both a bit sick of this behavior.

Ike stands up and says: “I think this will do. If anything happens then at least people will know how cool I was.”

Hans addsIkes paper to the stack. For a hunt of this caliber it was tradition for hunters to leave a note at base camp. Each hunter would write a bit about themselves and why they were going after the monster they were. The notes would pile up at base camp until someone slayed the monster. Only the winning person or team could take the papers home with them. A symbolic way of carrying the efforts of other hunters with them. Even if hunters did not lose their lives, it was still a way of showing respect to others in the field. After another 3 minutes Jackson walks over and takes the pen from Ike. He doesn’t want to write anything too sentimental or emotional, but considering the monster they were going to be fighting he tried his best.

Thellow was just about done with the first part of dinner. Grilled fish with lemon and mashed potato. It was basic, but filling. Marlow and Ike take the first servings. Hans would eat a small amount after everyone was done. He wasn’t the one hunting. Hans was a Recorder and Handler for the hunt. It was his job to get the hunters safely to the monster and gather what information he could during the fight.

Jackson puts his pen down, satisfied with the drivel about the honor of such a hunt. The song rattling in his head didn’t help. He writes and scratches out a few parts, and the whole thing looked a bit fake. He moves to get the next serving of dinner while Hans starts reading Jackson’s note.

While Jackson fills his mouth with potato mash, Hans snaps at him. “Is this really what you want to leave? You’re not doing any of these other notes a service by mixing your crap in with them.”

He gestures to the pile of 50 or so papers piled on a supply crate. Ike and Marlow both look at Jackson, assuming he had written something dumb about it being bullshit that they even need to do this.

Jackson finishes his bite and swallows. “I did really try, but I couldn’t find it, ya know? It’s kinda hard to think about good things for a hunt that we are being forced into.”

Ike and Marlow look back to Hans, expecting a well formed argument, but are surprised when he nods in agreement. “I know it's not the best situation, but every day more and more towns are destroyed. The guild can’t get hunters up here on short notice like this.”

Marlow cut in. “If we don’t kill it now then the next closest town is Minegarde. Hans is right, we should knock on its front door rather than let it come knock on ours.”

The port town of Minegarde was usually safe and had a high quantity of hunters ready to take on whatever challenged them. But stories of an elder dragon, Darhen Mohran, had drawn most of the town’s skill away to the east.

Ike lets out a laugh and says: “Bet you don’t think the Mohran hunt is overrated now, Jackson.”

Jackson laughs as well, and sheepishly replies. “Yeah, I kinda wish I had gone with the rest. Probably would have been a livelier trip.”

Marlow offers a small smile, and Hans chuckles.

Jackson looks back to Hans. “Would you like to write it for me then? You seem to be better with words than me.”

Hans shakes his head. “No, this will be fine. I’ll make sure anyone who comes here will know of the great Jackson who thought he had better things to do than hunt an elder dragon.”

It was the first time the 4 men had laughed together in days. The joy a simple meal and good conversation can bring to people’s hearts is astounding.

The dinner bolsters the spirit of the party far more than expected, and when armor and skill are stripped away, spirit is all that’s left. An hour later the group settles in for the night. They all try to get a good night’s sleep before tomorrow’s hunt. Jackson still struggles to sleep, the song running in his head like a ticking clock. He starts wondering if maybe the song was written by the monster itself, to drive hunters mad before they even fight it.

Eventually, he dozed off.

_______________________________________________________________

Morning came, but day did not.

The sky is still dark, and only a few rays of sun pierce the black clouds that loom over Schrade. They are unnatural. They weren’t from a volcano or storm, but they linger around the mountain where castle Schrade once stood. The castle had been destroyed hundreds of years ago. The town was a settlement that tried to take advantage of the castle’s well-built infrastructure. They had planned to turn castle Schrade into a hunting hub for the mountain ranges above Minegarde. It would have made a great port town between the western coast and northern town of Pokke. It would have, if it wasn’t for the last living resident of castle Schrade.

The group spends the early morning getting ready. Hans helps the men get their heavy armor on, while Thellow sorts the packs to make sure everyone has the correct equipment at the ready. Jackson gets his armor on first, a nice well-made set from a Brachidios. He had a reputation at the guild for his humorous encounter with it, so he figured it was a good choice of armor to wear for a hunt like this. The Brachadios’ obsidian hide was naturally fire resistant, and considering his role at the front line, it fit both thematically and practically. He cleans his gun lance one last time while Ike and Marlow are getting ready.

Ike is a jack of all trades, and enjoys hunting with whatever he finds most suitable for each hunt. For this particular hunt, he chooses the matte red Rathalos armor and a greatsword. He figures that to kill a big monster he would need a big sword.

Marlow was to provide cover fire and support from behind with his bow gun. He doesn’t usually bring more than a few kinds of ammunition. He likes to keep it simple. As long as he can shoot the monster down then it will be fine. For this hunt, he makes sure to bring a wide variety of ammunition. Poison, electrical, and a few sticky bomb shots.

Each of the hunters have prepared an appropriate kit for a fight of this caliber.

Finally, the crew is ready to depart. Hans would be climbing the neighboring mountain to observe and record the encounter. From there he will be able to tell if the crew is successful, and if anyone or anything survives the fight.

Hans grabs Jackson’s hand and looks straight into his eyes. "Don’t let this beast be your end, Jackson. I will see all of you when you return. Legends of the guild.”

The three wave goodbye as Hans starts his own journey. Jackson feels hollow, as he watches the only natural leader among them walk away. Now it's his turn to lead. The group doesn’t waste any time, and sets out climbing the mountain to castle Schrade.

The sides of the mountain area trial in and of themselves. They have narrow walkways, coated in damp mud with a sheer drop on one side. For a gun lance user like Jackson this was a bit of a joke. He has Ike and Marlow go before him for the first part of the climb, and even tiesa rope around his waist just in case the weight of the cannon mounted on his back becomes too much. Eventually the path comes to an end at a plateau. The area is larger than expected at this height. The group could easily fight the beast here if it were not for the rusted graveyard of old weapons.

Before them was 20 or so old worn out Dragonators. A metal spear several meters in length, designed to drill straight into the hide of even the toughest monster. They were a devastating defense the guild had been employing since its early years and they were a staple of elder dragon defense operations. This pile must be hundreds of years old. It’s hard to tell if the previous occupants of castle Schrade used this as a nearby dump or if they had been hauled to the castle and simply forgotten. Regardless, the team climb over with care, making sure not to slip and fall onto one of the vicious spikes.

The real climb was just beginning. A sheer cliff with only a few outcrops for about 100 meters. Jackson and Ike tie their equipment to a rope and would hoist it up after they had made it to the top. They aren’t the best mountain climbers, but they make do. At about halfway up Jackson pulls his head up into a cave that can easily fit the party.

He calls out to the crew. “We should take a rest here.”

After entering the cave the group line up and, together, pull the weapons and Thellow up the cliff into the small cave. The Palico makes sure the knots stay firm and the weapons don't rock too much while ascending.

Ike makes a snide remark while huffing and pulling on the rope. “Jeez, Thellow, how much fish did you eat last night?”

The Palico meows loudly from outside the cave as the group pulls the equipment inside.

They all fall to the ground and pass around a water bottle. While Marlow and Ike have a drink, Jackson investigates the back of the cave. Finally he’s able to spend more time examining it. It isn’t very big, but at the back is a pile of ash and rusted metal. He walks over to inspect it. Reaching out to wipe the ash away, the whole thing crumbles and explodes into a black cloud. He wipes the black soot from his visor and has the chance to see what remains. It is an empty suit of old armor. It only takes a second for Jackson to realize what the ash filling the armor used to be. He loses focus for a moment. The song is louder than ever. He can even hear  the voices of the children singing it now. His heart is pounding, feeling like it’sbanging on the metal armor around his chest.

“What was that?” Ike asks from behind.

It snaps Jackson from his trance, and he swivels around. “Nothing, just some old scrap”.

Jackson has some water and the group continues up the mountain. Another 40 or so meters and Jackson finally places his hand on the stone base of what once was castle Schrade.

_______________________________________________________________

 Pulling himself up, Jackson pauses for a brief moment to take in the fortress. The enormity of the structure staggers him for a moment. The wind blows softly but carries the scent of decay. Distant metal structures can be heard creaking and clunking as time passes them by.

Jackson, realising he still has friends climbing the cliff, turns to assist them up onto the final ledge. Without hesitation, Ike and Jackson begin pulling up the weapons once again. Upon reaching the top, both Ike and Jackson quickly grab their tools. Being unarmed for that long has made them both a little jumpy. Marlow has already started surveying the area. He needs good vantage points and places to move to while gunning. In front of them is a large courtyard made of stone bricks. On the upper side isa castle wall connecting to a stone watchtower. Spears and swords lay around it, as if the men they belonged to simply evaporated. It was giving all of them chills.

Behind that is more of the castle. The entire building is massive and expanded over 2 mountains,crossing the range in between. This is only the entrance. It is by far the best place to fight something big. The rest of the castle is too jagged, with corridors that will restrict movement to much. The team knows that the monster will almost certainly take advantage of that and blow them to pieces before they even know it’s attacking. Out in the open is the best they can hope for.

Marlow has already started moving to the side wall to get some height. It is a great place to have a gunner, and gives a brilliant view of the area. There are a few pieces of old ammunition around. Not much, but some ballista and cannon balls might help if given the opportunity. The castle wall still has one intact Dragonator in it, unfired. Jackson has already set to work getting a plan ready, using what little they have in  the castle.

It is only morning, but the sky is still dark. Not much light can get through the clouds, even this high up. It still feels like night is around them.

Ike moves over to one of the cannons and starts checking the fuses while loading a ball in. Jackson starts walking to the eastern side to check if the last cannon has a working fuse. He stops, frozen in place. The creature appears out of blackness. As if the clouds that swirl around this mountain are the monster itself. A beam of light shines across it, revealing the full size of the dragon.

It is a lot bigger than anyone expected. Standing on his back legs, it stands easily over the entire watchtower, over 40 meters tall. Its tail is an enormous black whip that stretches the whole length of the beast and more. Its legs are short, but its claws are long, crusted with blood from those who had come before. The spines along its back look like bladed gravestones. Its scales are a hideous black and blue, as if all of its skin isone giant bruise. The wings on its back stretch into the air, welcoming the hunters to its roost. Its neck is long, which gives it incredible height. At the top is a head full of more teeth than its mouth can hold. Two sets of two horns each side of its head that twist away from its skull. And its eyes. Its awful eyes. They have black slits like a snake, but a furious red iris that looks like a fire storm inside its head.

It hasn’t even made a sound. Jackson isn’t even sure it is real yet. He doesn’t know if Ike or Marlow are even still here. The world pauses for a second. The dragon’s tongue slithers out of its mouth and licks its lips. It stares down at its new guests. Jackson has fought a lot of monsters, and after fighting enough he can tell why a monster fought by the way it looked. Some are hungry. Others are scared. But this is something new. Never has Jackson seen a monster smile back at its combatant. This unholy creature of night doesn’t care for food or to defend its home, it just wants to kill. It is genocidal to the core and wants nothing more than for hunters to die. The dragon is going to enjoy this.

Jackson yells out to whoever might still be behind him. “Time to show it what we're made of!”

He flicksthe main barrel of his gun lance down and takes out his shield. Turning the safety off with a click, he rotates a few shells through the main gun. The dragon lets out a bellowing cry that changes from a roar to a shriek. This close, it feels as if his ears are going to bleed just from standing near it. His heart slows down, and a smile creeps into the corner of his mouth. Both the song and his fear leave his mind. Without his fear he feels confident, nothing holding him back from his fate.

The song’s lyrics make sense now.

The Legend of the Black Dragon

When the world is full of wyverns, the legend is revived

meat is eaten, bone is crunched

and blood is sucked up dry

he burns the earth and melts through iron

he boils the rivers and mows down trees

he awakens the winds and lights the inferno

he is called Fatalis, the wyvern of destiny

he is called Fatalis, the wyvern of destruction

call for help, run for your lives

and don’t forget to pray to the skies

he is called Fatalis, the wyvern of destiny

he is called Fatalis, the wyvern of destruction

Fatalis, Fatalis

Heaven and Earth are yours

Fatalis, Fatalis

Heaven and earth are yours

#monster hunter #monster hunter world #iceborne #short story

[lifesucksabebay]

her name was ana

she couldn’t ever get it right. being the perfect girl, it always came out a bit shaky. her mother said it was just a phase she was going through, that she was just being clumsy. and her father, her father didn’t know what to say so he didn’t really ever say anything at all. sat quiet in the corner, his mind hardwired to a labyrinth that only special creatures got the chance to travel through.

and that was all she had to show for the hollow walls of her family. portraits of a brutal mother whose heart was covered in a thick wire that only got you burned for wanting to feel. and a father who had trouble thinking by himself so he was always doped up on different meds.

it was a chaotic ring of a mess, so of course she would have fallen in the clasps of a mental disorder. different than her family but still mentally insane all the same. still sick to the bone. or, as close as she could get because dying is the closest feeling to living that you could ever feel. and death, what an awfully big adventure that is.

feeling a sort of hungry spanning over colossal territories and decaying reminisces of society at its finest, hungry is the new face of vogue.

and of course it’s easier to look through an outsiders perspective. “just eat.” it yells and you want it to cradle them to sleep. to nurture the rosy color back to their flesh and the glow to their orbs but it only weighs them down further. cowers and afraid, it drags them to a pit of empty ash and hollow cities and it’s enough to send you through a whiplash of relapse.

through late nights at the hospitals and therapy sessions that weigh your every move.

it’s a way to measure the distance to hell around your bones. and you want them to get better. of course you do.

but the distance we draw between our forefinger and thumb is an ocean of denial and morphed pictures and one does not just get better from anorexia.

it’s a sinking game, and she’s tired of playing.

(tms)

-

“i only feel pretty when im hungry.” -blythe baird

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16Tb_bZZDv0

#anorexia #narrative #personal #mine #story #anorexic #blythe #quote #poetry #ana #fiction #disorder #eating disorders #eating disorder #her name was ana #hungry is the new face of vogue #im a fucking mess man #lifesucksabebay #short story #rexie #rexia #rexic #broken family

[missmeltycat]

Fallout 4 Shitpost RP

So I joined a Fallout 4 Discord server recently and they do RP. Things started going a bit... EH, so I hopped in with a comment about godmodding. From there, a whole shitpost was born.

Starring: NickZeHusher as Themselves Firefox as Themselves @thatredheadedchick12​ as Rhiley Myself as Sturges

--- NickeZeHusher-Yesterday at 8:47 PM

throws an incendiary grenade at Firefox

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:33 PM

Dodges grenade and shots Nick in foot and laughs

NickeZeHusher-Yesterday at 11:34 PM

Blows up the whole wasteland with a large nuke

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:36 PM

(You can't use large nukes says the rules) (You don't have it also no god modding)

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:37 PM

(You godmodded though.) (By 'shooting Nick in the foot')

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:38 PM

(He used a large nuke) (Which is not in fallout )

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:39 PM

(After your godmodding.) (Allow him to decide if you shot him or not.)

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:39 PM

(So using a nuke is okay) (I guess it is)

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:40 PM

(It was taking the piss since dodging is also taking the piss)

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:40 PM

Nukes Sturges to death

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:40 PM

(YAAAAY!)

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:40 PM

( :) )

RhileyLaBianca-Yesterday at 11:41 PM

(Yeah that was definitely god mod...)

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:41 PM

Sturges stood there as the nuke detonated, his skin peeling off layer by layer. His eyes slowly melted out of their sockets and fizzed loudly. His brain boiled within his skull and seeped from every facial orifice he had until he was finally dead.(edited)

RhileyLaBianca-Yesterday at 11:41 PM

(But no no lets throw a hussy puss about nukes)

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:42 PM

| RIP - HERE LIES STURGES - SEXY MECHANIC AND LOVER OF DUCT TAPE |

RhileyLaBianca-Yesterday at 11:42 PM

revives Sturges with med-x

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:43 PM

Attacks Rhiley with Liberty Prime and kills them(edited)

RhileyLaBianca-Yesterday at 11:44 PM

dodges

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:44 PM

"It's a miracle!" Sturges rose from the ashes like a majestic phoenix and stood on tiptoes with his arms outstretched. "I'm alive!" ( SNORT )

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:45 PM

Pulls trigger on Rhiley's dog

RhileyLaBianca-Yesterday at 11:45 PM

shoots Dogmeat up with med- x

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:46 PM

Makes dog High

RhileyLaBianca-Yesterday at 11:46 PM

punches Firefox think sponge out the back of his head

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:47 PM

Sturges sat on a pile of rotting corpses and watched the battle from a distance. He'd put caps on a winner, but he'd lost them in his hair along with a few rolls of duct tape, a cat and Preston.

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:47 PM

Fires nuke between both of them and blasts each other across the wasteland

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:49 PM

The nuke sailed down betwen them and detonated. The force of the blast sent Sturges sailing across the sky like a firework and he yelled as he went. "LEEEEEROOOOOOY!"

RhileyLaBianca-Yesterday at 11:51 PM

Huh. Guess ill just go find Hancock. Wanna join? looks to Sturges cause that guy just blew himself up.

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:52 PM

(You know you're across the wasteland from the force of the nuke)

RhileyLaBianca-Yesterday at 11:54 PM

(No Im not Im in Goodneighbor)

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:56 PM

(Sturges probably has like... A whole communications array in his hair.) (His hair contains secrets)

Firefox-Yesterday at 11:56 PM

(I bet it does)

Sturges-Yesterday at 11:57 PM

Sturges had landed rather badly. In fact, he had somehow lodge in a tree trunk head first. "Aw now that's just great. Now mah hair is all messed up."(Preston has a condo in there.)June 1, 2017

NickeZeHusher-Today at 12:06 AM

I use a flammable condom and put it on my sick and light it on fire with a lighter

Sturges-Today at 12:08 AM

From his tree, Sturges could see some dude stood with his now flaming tackle. "Well... You see somethin' new every day."

NickeZeHusher-Today at 2:42 PM

I then put water over the fire and my dick enlarges to 7 feet from 2 feet

Sturges-Today at 3:29 PM

It was shocking. Sturges honestly thought that nothing could shock him anymore, but he was wrong as he eyeballed this giant rubber coated sausage from his lofty perch. He almost felt a little jealous. Almost.

NickeZeHusher-Today at 3:58 PM

I take off the rubber, and I suck the sausageI take it out of my backpack, cook it on a barbeque pit with coal, and eat it

Firefox-Today at 5:14 PM

"No more babies in the wasteland”

:(

Sturges-Today at 5:15 PM

"Nooo!" The sexy greaser mechanic yelled so loudly that he split the tree in half. "You were humanities only hope at survival! How could you! You have doomed them!"(

Firefox-Today at 5:16 PM

God looks down and says "You have failed me nick"

Sturges-Today at 5:22 PM

In the following years, it was clear that humanity was doomed. The single action of Nick had rendered them powerless against death, with each generation slowly fading from existence one by one. Eventually, humans became so desperate to survive that they erected (Ha) a giant monument to Nick's fallen schlong and worshipped it in the hope that one day they would be blessed with its powers once again.

Firefox-Today at 5:23 PM

Then they found a kit to make artificial spermMore babies they all said!

Sturges-Today at 5:24 PM

Sturges created a kick ass machine that would manufacture said sperm in great quantities and was thus dubbed 'The Sperminator'. He donned shades and a leather jacket from that point on.

Firefox-Today at 5:25 PM

FireFox and Sturges now go down in history

NickeZeHusher-Today at 5:29 PM

shoots the gods with a fat boy

Firefox-Today at 5:30 PM

Wonders if nick is talking about the Egyptians

NickeZeHusher-Today at 5:32 PM

Fuck all Gods!!!!!

Sturges-Today at 5:33 PM

Since Sturges was now a god in his own right, he too ended up getting blasted yet again. As he flew through the air on yet another aerial nuke-propelled journey, he sighed loudly. "I guess you could say... I'm having a blast." He donned his shades and in the distance a mysterious voice yelled "YEAAAAAAHH!"

#Fallout 4 #RP #Discord #Shitpost #Sturges