#also i was so fucking cold all day. like. the kind where ive been in the house for 4 hours and Im still cold.

[thedogsleg]

I need to be CAKE's top listener. I need it. But i only listen to music like 5 hours a day. Even if its all CAKE im still fucked.

#can u belive my comute is such a way that its only like an hour of travel each way #but i have to factor in just WAITING for over an hour each way on top of it. insane. #me op #i dunno if i can handle tomorow. i could handle going in #but going in and being there ALL DAY AND THEN waiting and waiting to come home and then and then #i really am a bitch. people in this world have full time jobs. and i cant travel to go draw pictures bc train 2 dirty 🥺 #KILL YOURSELF. #also i was so fucking cold all day. like. the kind where ive been in the house for 4 hours and Im still cold. #like into my ribs into my organs cold. how. #whatever. we continue. #i dont wanna do it. i wanna stay at home amd play video game. bc im a wuss #dude its so dirty. its even like. i could go in on wednesday. id AANT to even. i know that. so i should go tomorow so i can #like apreciate it. but train dirty and hands dirty and people dirty and dirty dirty dirty #im so sick of it. im so sick of it. ash is on new meds. i cant take meds bc the OCD says theyre evil #but then the evil is UGHH. AND I CANT EVEN SYA THAT BC THE OCD IS RIGHT #IM NOT ALLOWED TO FUCKING DISSAGREE GRRR BARK BARK #I WISH I WAS COW I WISH I COULD KICK AND BITE LIKE AN ANIMAL I WISH I LIVED IN THE BEFORE TIMES AND JUST BECAME A MURFER INSTEAD #FUCKKKK #kinda got away from ther original post there. oops.

[kiyocuck]

silly

ok im sick as hell and unfortunately also very bored so im gonna write down some silly naeishimondo scenarios ive been brainrotting for a while

Makoto being sick like me and staying home, meanwhile both taka and mondo barge into his house, bringing in homemade soup and tea (both of which makoto already got), and while they're being sad over the fact their favorite little guy wont be at the academy with them for the rest of the week, komaru steals the soup and tea cuz she woke up sick too (from makoto). An alt ending is them giving makoto a Liiiittle kiss on the forehead, both of them thinking they wont get sick, and waking up with 40°C temperature the next day

Them all going to mondo's house for a hangout-sleepover bcuz hes the only one of the three with a queen-sized bed (lil context, after mondo quit being a biker gang leader [in a universe where daiya is alive cuz fuck you] him and his brother move to a more. "calm" place, just the two of them. they still hangout w the other gang members though). they all watch movies and taka drops dead snoring the second the clock hits 10pm bcuz his brain cant handle staying up later for "no reason" (he has pulled all nighters when it comes to studying). mondo falls asleep second, and makoto just watches them sleep peacefully before snuggling between them and going to sleep too (imagine cringing over what ur writing help)

Going home in the snowy weather after shopping all evening (taka made them both come with him). theyre all holding equal amount of bags, until mondo grabs them all and speedruns to their house cuz hes FREEZING, and boy oh boy does he not like the cold at all. after that he sticks himself to the heater for like 10 minutes, while makoto and taka think to themselves that he looks like hes purring next to it (they both assigned him a catboy in their heads cuz it makes him 10 times cuter (also my version of him has a default >:3 face that all owada family members have (its more noticable on daiya but still))

Continuing the last one, theyre cooking together now!!! mondo kinda sucks at it, makoto is trying his best, and taka is this 🤏 close to chewing a brick over how they cut the vegetables (they look chunky (his autism can't stand it, meanwhile their autisms dont care/dont even notice it (no im not projecting not at all))). eventually they make a nice meal (of unknown kind cuz i can never think of foods LMFAO) and it turned out surprisingly good. yum!

Pet assigning. as i mentioned makoto n taka have assigned mondo a cat/catboy, but the same applies for the others. taka is a dog, obviously, but specifically a husky BECAUSE (im gonna be so annoying about this): Hes black and white, hes dramatic and loud like how huskies are, very loving (as every dog), and when his hair grows out more and mondo touches it, it reminds him of how fluffy huskies' fur is. makoto is a bunny, but i unfortunately dont know many bunny breeds so i will probably elaborate more once i look up and decide. hes just short/"small" and silly like one, and his ahoge going down when hes sad resembles bunny ears going down. (btw if ur curious mondo is either a tiger (still a cat!!!) or a persian cat. bcuz i cant help but imagine him as a chonky orange persian cat that on one occasion scratches your eyes, and on another cuddles on your shoulders. la creatura)

i think thats all for now! most of my other scenarios are even more generic, like going on dates (aquarium, cafe, cinema etc) so i dont have that much to write LOL.

if you read the whole thing, heres some items for yuo 🍀🧭💎

#danganronpa #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #kiyotaka ishimaru #makoto naegi #mondo owada #naeishimondo #naeishi #naemondo #ishimondo #take a shot everytime i use parenthesis lmfaooo #or dont i dont wanna kill several people

[romanarose]

Life update

Idk if anyone is invested in my bullshit but considering for a good month i was threatening to kill myself i figure i better update y'all

Way better, holy shit. Fuck.

I was REALLY worried about being alone over thanksgiving break bc my roommate and suitemates would be gone but god its what i needed. I LOVE MY ROOMMATE SO MUCH OKAY but sometimes space is nice. i hate my suitemates lol. Either way, for DAYS it was silent. I was very sick with an awful cold and i didn't have the energy to do anything that was a danger to myself for days, I was hopped up on cought syruo and actually got full nights rest!!

prior, I got my grade back for a midterm and uuuuuuuhhhhhhh I bombed it. professor reached out bc he was surprised considering he knows my ability and how ive been engaged in class. we met up on tuesday and talked about and i admitted i nearly hospitalized myself and relapsed on SH. he was very kind and encouraging and i feel better.

Unfortunetly i was so sick during break i couldnt work on my TWO research papers but i did manage to listen to an audiobook for a whole other paper. shit happens.

Luckily i finally got the one research paper on the satanic panic going

and I was SO STUCK on this paper on Aimee Semple McPherson bc im like okay shes facinating but i dont wanna just write a biography???

but today i inally had abreak through and im gonna talk about her influence on the religous right and televangelism.

Anyway

I think im looking at an A, 2 B's and 2 C's, which i dont think is too bad for barely getting by in life

things have also improved again at work, which is nice.

this winter break ill be working at the day care i worked at over the summer and living where i have lots of friends.

I think ill be okay

thank you all SO MUCH for everyone thats checked in on me, said words of encouragment, prayed for me, loved me <3

#romana personal posts

[munamania]

so right a couple of my film friends and i met last night to do wine and glee and i left and tried to catch a bus in our gross rainy cold weather and so when it finally comes im just like zoo wee mama my glasses r fogging up and all that shit. but who of course is on the bus but my one friend the main perpetrator of acting like im some flaky cunt (rant city below)

so i guess technically this wouldnt look great on my part bc i was obviously Somewhere and had been ignoring the group chat making plans but oh my GOD whatever who careessssss who Cares. so im like fucking phenomenal ok walk back Omg hi and she moves her shit so i can sit and i get settled and am like hey. and she asks what i was up to and ofc when i say anything bc this is fucking awkward shes just got this stupid smug little smile but i was just sitting there like bitch im not gonna sit here and act embarrassed for seeing my other friends so i was just like So are u guys doing x tn and shes like mhm yep are you coming and i was like well gee i dont know. sarcastic shrug. make conversation about the timing of the place for a second kinda jokin then awk silence

and so then because im a chill normal adult and am aware that shes about to go meet the group of friends and no matter what this interaction is going to be brought up and i had been planning on composing a levelheaded text but i just said Look im sorry that i ghosted you guys (and shes again smug smiling nodding next to me. girl.) i just honestly got tired of feeling like im being singled out and judged when i cant make it to something and she literally is just like Well im sorry you feel that way just u know we do try to come up w different days etc (if u like me are bad at reading between the lines this was a non apology and defense based on uh Nothing) and i was like right well ik last semester wasnt great it's just that sometimes i feel like im being shunned in the group chats when no one answers or reacts to anything i say and the other day when you said like. yk the 'could u commit' thing that felt really sort of condescending

and shes like again well im sorry u felt that way i was just trying to find another day that u could actually make it cause i wanted us all to be there so im not really sure how that came across as condescending but um yeah. and i, jackass that i am (<3) pulled out my phone and pointed and said Well u see we didnt have actual plans and in fact no one answered when i said anything abt it and yk things come up and so for me to have sent this whole nice thing and just get 'do you think youd be able to commit' in response felt a little bit needlessly mean (and i also tried to earnestly say at some point in all this that i genuinely do love and care for them and want to see them but yk this Sucks and was just bad timing)

THEN we somehow spin into her going Well i just had no idea this was even a thing until you brought it up just now i mean i wasnt even thinking abt it ive never really thought that of you etc and so then im sitting here feeling like im being gaslit in real time not to be dramatic and i felt very much like when i was in high school and people manipulated me bc i was a very easy target (its not that real but w/e) and so im like Ok be calm but dont just like let that slide cause girl be serious (prob should have but what ever) so i was like well you know i do apologize if i just couldnt tell your intent over text, but after you guys never answered me about hanging out and then the short responses like maybe u can kind of see where i felt like you were being rude (didnt say it quite that bluntly w/e)

and she pulls out the big card. the. well i just think youre being defensive. oh years and years of being the youngest and punished for um having feelings lmfao slammed me in my chest at that moment. and i calmly said Okay cool i think youre being defensive. and i lit missed my bus stop cause this driver was swerving so then i was just like Well you guys have fun maybe ill see you tonight bye. so. really feeling awesome abt the state of that. in all reality tho it's like i hung out w some friends and then went out to the gay bar w others and danced and etc and i can only imagine how much of a Thing this was for them so. if someone could win it'd be me right

(on another note at some point during this ride sams roommate requested to follow me back <3 which i had been pretending not to think abt for the last couple hours) anyway

this has been a post let me know if im being normalish

#abby talks

[four-bastard-bustle]

Real quick I just wanna say I love your version of the guys sm they’re literally so good I can not get over them :33

I know youve mentioned a few times throughout the blog that Tom and Tord end up infiltrating the Red Army base and stuff and Ive always been curious if you have any ideas about it or anything??

Sadly I've got no like big scenarios planned out, just a couple of snippets and the broad strokes of this.

It'd be a good while after Tord had come back to the UK and they'd figured out he had an evil clone on the loose. I don't even know how they'd find the base, allthough it would be really funny if they just randomly stumbled upon it while walking through the city or something and arguing about something. Some kinda "well it's not like we can just go kill your evil clone like that we don't even know where the base is (said while passing a building brightly labelled as Secret Evil Base For The Red Army)" scenario.

I am also thinking about that moment from hello hellhole where Tord throws the disk in the air and Tom just catches is, I've always found that a really interesting little bit that makes me feel like the two of them can actually work together really well as long as they're not like Thinking About It as teamwork, y'know? And i want this to have that vibe, like, they just compliment each other perfectly as they rip and tear through the army soldiers. Sort of like that one post i reblogged, Tord would have a glass canon vibe while Tom is the tanky guy taking most of the hits with his thick skin.

Allthough eventually Tord gets knocked out and dragged away or something cause I imagine him ending up tied up in Red Leader's office. Just him and his way cooler copy gazing down at him with nothing but hatred in his eyes. Very scary!

Red Leader does like a good ol villain monologue about his plans to take over the world and his revenge for what the dirdum lane boys did to him. In my Version of th* *nd there's no big angst or anything, they just saw the robot on their lawn as they came back from fishing and Edd immediately blew it up with a beam. So Red Leader talks about the green man and how he's ruined everything and will always come back to ruin his plans and so he's going to kill Edd once and for all.

And THAT gets Tord to take the whole thing even more seriously. He's lucky this guy hadn't hurt his friends yet but the open admission he plans to do so, With His Face, made his blood run cold and also boil at the same time. Some kind of Extreme Friendship Instinct kicks in and Tord breaks out of his restraints and him n RL have a bit of a cool fight but there's no intent to keep it going to look cool, there's only the intent to KILL from both of them. I'm also imagining right now that RL Will Not Shut Up during this whole thing about his plans and how nice it'll be to be the copy that bests the original. Tord fucking hates it, he's such a quiet guy and here's his evil clone that just talks and talks and talks and it's so fucking annoying.

Just had a brain blast about RL's death, because the original concept was just that Tord shoots him, but since I'm going for this overall effect of Tom and Tord becoming actual friends from this maybe Tom manages to fight his way through to Tord and they do some kind of coordinated duo attack to kill RL in a slightly humorous yet still pretty cool fashion. Hm something to chew on.

Either way they get him and go out to celebrate and by the end of the day they're finally friends because killing the evil guy who was menacing the people they both care about the most is a great bonding experience <3

#Guess that's a pretty detailed idea of it after all lol #blog essentials #How could I forget to tag this

[3dsmall]

a guy i used to be in love with called me last night from jail

5 memories:

seeing him for the first time outside of the restaurant i worked at in 2014. he's digging through the trash for food. manager offers him a job, lends him money. he moves in with Karina, a really incredibly sweet Mexican woman who works with us. later, he and i stay up all night on acid, smoking cigarettes on Karina's porch. peeling paint, splintery wood, dogs barking.

waking up on christmas morning on the floor next to him. freezing cold, sleeping in a garage on MLK in Oakland. we spend all day walking around looking for bananas and fried chicken so we can feed the bones to my rats as a Christmas treat.

kissing him in The Ruby Room, feeling like my body was floating and moving rapidly through space whenever i closed my eyes. i dont know any bars anymore where you can smoke cigs inside.

buying him a plane ticket to puerto rico last year only for him not to show up. wanting him as a buffer between myself and a creepy guy who had a persistent crush on me. later he quits his job in indiana and goes to Sinaloa, Mexico for a while. i stop hearing from him.

pointing at him from the backseat of an uber when i spotted his lumbering gait and Chicago Bulls jacket. yelling I AM IN LOVE WITH THAT GUY to the uber driver who says 'that homeless Mexican dude?' (Z was homeless but not Mexican)

i felt kind of hurt after i looked up his case online and saw that he's been in jail for exactly one year now and hadn't called me until last night. i asked him why he was in jail, and he said he was being accused of drive by shootings where no one got hurt. i tell him not to actually answer, i tell him i will just look it up. he tells me not to look it up, tells me if i look it up, it will seem really crazy.

i look it up, there are videos of shots being fired from a car. pictures of bullet holes all over a house, penetrating walls, going through a basket of childrens' toys. what the fuck, z.

he's a talented artist and writer. i can't believe this. i don't really understand what happened. i want to put money on his books, but its also sort of typical of me to spend money that way and ive begun to question my instincts.

my life has changed so much from what it used to be. not completely sure how i feel. i sometimes think i am becoming something very very different than expected. i wonder if he felt that way or not.

[rotten-dan]

I'm a comic artist and yet I dont have a beautiful or cool and understandable way to talk about my depression or my issue with loneliness, a part of me wishes I could do that so maybe processing feelings would be easier

But I'm not one of those cool writers ig. All I can say is that I'm terribly sad to the point of feeling sick sometimes, I need reassurance all the time and social interaction is very important but sadly that's not something I will have every time.

-most- days I'm going to be alone and feeling unwanted and on those days I have to be able to keep myself afloat. Because the reality is that people are busy, stressed, dealing w their own stuff or just dont want to do that kind of thing and I dont think less of anyone for any of those things. I'm not here thinking everyone is evil for not being available, that's stupid.

Ive been feeling so bad I dont think I should interact w others, cuz I'm just going to bring their mood down or lash out. Is a real problem to crave interaction but not being apt for it. i just have to hope it will go away on its own like a cold. hide away like a wounded animal i guess

Drawing also. Sorta helps.

It doesnt help with the feeling that my value comes from my art only, but it at least makes others happy. Is a safe way to still interact w friends without the risk of fucking them over.

I don't think I want strangers reassuring me on this post, or anons. I'm not doing this for that. I just want to have it written down somewhere where it can get lost.

This will maybe pass.

#ghost talk

[yuukei-yikes]

ive been thinking abt ayaki and shintaro post str lately. like i know realistically ayaki would dissapear since in theory the wish she was created from was fulfilled but i just think her staying creates an interesting idea on shintaro's problem with isolation and tendency to retreat into his own head. bc ayaki literally lives in his head. like ayaki and shintaro are the only two people in the whole world who will ever understand the things theyve seen at a truly deep level. so who else could shintaro go to when he gets flashbacks of previous routes. also the guilt he would probably feel for feeling more attached to the ayano in his head then the one actually there. a literal reflection of his actual feelings towards ayano i think. i kind of lost my train of thought uhm shrugs. i should probably write a google doc abt this

UGH UGH UGH.... THE BIT ABT SHINTARO FEELING MORE ATTACHED TO THE AYANO IN HIS HEAD INSTEAD OF THE ONE ACTUALLY HERE BEING THE SAME AS HOW HE LOVES THE AYANO HE MADE UP IN HIS MIND MORE THAN THE REAL ONE.... THATS SO FUCKING COOL AND REAL AND AWESOME..... YESSSSS shinyaki gets me so badly like. ough. they have been together for so long. i imagine yaki trying so hard to fight her humanity and even be cold to shintaro like!! ACT LIKE THE SNAKE EYE POWER SHE IS. and she does for the most part but Shintaro.... he is so difficult. he keeps being reborn and she keeps watching him grow up til activating her and remembering her again, and every single time shintaro's like Im so sorry for forgetting you again. and ayaki's like. AUGH. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. sorry they drive me a little crazy.

yeah i know ayaki would disappear but i dont like thatttt i think❤️❤️❤️ she should stay❤️❤️❤️ i think its a miserable existence and rly speaks abt ayano's character that she just stays there forever. i think there's something very cool abt an ayano tateyama who gets a happy ending in a mortal life at the cost of an suffering ayano who is alone for eternity, who sacrificed everything to be exactly where she is, watching another version of herself be happy. i dont think ayaki jumped into it knowing she'd find peace one day. i think once she is a snake she Is A Snake. Ur ass isnt dying. like she has a damn soul??

sorry the bit abt souls in kagepro drives me crazy. we dont know it with any other snakes other than awakening/konoha and haruka(and saeru but we dont talk abt it). the ending of mca is MESSY messy. personally i dont know if i Really understand it, I've always explained it to myself like konoha/awakening GETS ITS OWN wish bc despite being just a snake, it became its own person, and its wish is to have hiyori live which is how saeru "dies" bc it has to resign to be a surrogate life for hiyori right?? its never explained Why konoha gets a wish but that's it to me. awakening and retaining being opposites bc one is a snake that became a person and the other a person who became a snake.

anyways coming back to the soul thing, it's rly all in haruka and konoha's situation bc konoha becomes its own person, "gains a soul" lets say, and that very soul puts it in conditions of making a wish. haruka was the only one in the daze who wasn't PHYSICALLY there, and his wish never finished getting there bc awakening was like My body now. <- like this is so interesting there's a lot of potential to konoha being even more interesting, maybe being a snake that's always wanted its own body or something. i KNOW its bc haruka's personality wasn't strong for it but that's an ass explanation and it always has been😘

anywyas so haruka coming back by the end to me is explained thru his wish being Actually listened to and konoha retreating back to its original role though it is still a person. i think it becomes a case of reverse, from str onwards it is konoha watching through haruka instead of the other way around. this is kinda the logic behind why ive always loved the konoha reborn hc... with the whole soul thing. like konoha finally cutting ties with being a snake and not being awakening anymore, just konoha!!

god i got super sidetracked. basically ayaki is also a snake with a soul. yes she would disappear by all this logic, once shintaro's wish (and her own) is fulfilled. HOWEVER. i dont want to❤️ however if she DID. there is a HUGE prompt in here about shintaro dealing with the disappearance of ayaki. she has been with him for so long and he remembers it all bc just cuz retaining is away it doesnt mean he just unsees all the routes, yknow? just cant see them again but theyre still in his memory. so he remembers how he's been with her for so many lives and now she's just gone... and there's this other real ayano here. who isn't really another ayano she is the same person. he knows she is but she's still another. augh. augh augh augh. anyways no i dont like to think abt ayaki disappearing She needs to give the mekakushi dan a tour when they all jump in shintaro's brain to look at his memories western cartoon style

#ask tag #headcanons #kagexplain #? idk. #shintaro kisaragi #ayano tateyama #konoha

[narwhalandchill]

the narwhal and/or childe >:)

where do i even start. my beloved. dearest. just an innocent lovely piece of the vast cosmos. a beautiful creature thats done nothing wrong ever in its life. is it such a crime to be hungry??? to be starving???? looking for a snack perhaps?? are french people really that important in the grand scheme of things?????? 🤔

anyway. like just the fact that this is genuinely the most stunning design this game has ever made for a non-human creature in terms of both visuals and audio (HAVE YOU HEARD IT TALK!??!?!?!?!?!??!! the whale calls the sonar clicks that one borderline growl-like sound at the very beginning of the boss fight its just??? oh my goddddddd). the narwhal is just genuinely breathtaking on that front alone. the boss fight design kinda sucks bc its just swimming away from u all the time i admit that its kinda just wenut but cunty but. i do adore just. watching it move its so ethereal 😭😭

and then theres the small tidbits of lore we have for it and its connection to childe when like. i have an Incredibly specific achilles heel for this kind of eldritch being (utterly alien but nonetheless not malicious in its true intent; simply comprehending the world at a completely different scale than the small creatures that fall on its path) and ESPECIALLY any sort of destined link and bond between such creatures and a mortal and like. this trope has been a thing for YEARS for me. and then its fucking happening for the character thats been the most rent free for me in all the time ive played genshin????? oh yeah its so fucking over im in love with the narwhal. like its creating a world!??!?!?! its creating an entire world inside its stomach!???? to create a world it could protect from the cold unfeeling universe for good???? after its entire existence has been defined by a lonely voyage through the cosmos witnessing the rise and inevitable fall of world after world??? and all it could do is weep ceaselessly for each and every one????? HELLO???????? im going to start a cult

also ngl just the sheer fact that its. well. a whale. is also just an emotional 1hko bc like that is Very much an animal where it inherently adds this weight of their sheer size and age and intelligence that makes this little human Feel things. so like. yea the narwhal has a fuckload of things going for it and thats why it just instakilled me and now its just. my beloved. if ajax is my parasocial comp het boyfriend the narhwal is my non gender specified all devouring eldritch wife yes that makes perfect sense dont question this. thank youuuuu. yes watching them beat the shit out of each other in the cutscene (and knowing it went on for 45+ days before that) was very conflicting because of that. why are you fighting we should kiss 😭 im super normal as you can see.

it does rly depress me that in the AQ the narwhals general significance was ultimately just sidelined and turned into an afterthought both in terms of what it is as an independent thinking and feeling individual as well as just. the way hoyo rly didnt expand on ajax' connection to it much at all other than introducing the barebones concept. but its STILL the good fucking food to me. its Never been just a pet to me even if to 99% of the fandom skirks words will just be forever at face value but. whatever. i will love it even more to make up for thsi injustice🥰

#im glad this was you eitan i think i fucking lost it. mightve scared off any other asker for good JKWJKDWJKAJAWJWDJKWDKJAWDJKDWJK #this ended up a general ramble lmao. ty for coming to my ted talk i love the narwhal smmm and like. hoyo. hoyo. give us the fucking name #im tired of referring to my beloved with such cruel impersonal phrasing. its ptahur in game files but can you fucking confirm it already #anyway folks do keep sending me more charas if u like!!!!!!! (least desperate) #contrary to general blog content distribution i do in fact have thoughts about the others too wkjdjkjkjkwdkjwkjdwk #asks

[tv-gh0st]

Day 1- But now this room is spinning while im just trying to fill in the gaps

Day 1- "But now this room is spinning while im jus trying to fill in all the gaps" (726 words) by Prime_Path Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Four & Legend (Linked Universe) Characters: Legend - Character, Four Additional Tags: Sickfic, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda), Four (Linked Universe)-centric, Wumptober, Is that not a tag?, Damn, Legend is a good big brother, or atlest hes trying to be, im pissed that isnt a tag, i will make that a tag with my own bare hands if i have yo, Four (Linked Universe) Needs a Hug, Legend (Linked Universe) Needs a Hug, Everyone Needs A Hug Series: Part 1 of Wumptober 2023 Summary: Four is just having a bad day, and Legend is trying his best to help he swears. Wumpee- Four, kinda Legend Characters- Four, Legen

today was a doosy, im posting this technically on october 2nd yes but the fic was posted on 11:59 pm so it counts

now why is this so horribly done and posted so late, because although ive started almost all the prompts already i technically havent finished them all(im not gonna be ad bad as today i swear) and i had really bad writers block on todays the today came around and its all shit

anyways thats my rant you can actually ready the fic now ig

Everyone was cold wet tired hungry and you know one or two of them would be sick(they couldn’t sleep out unless they all wanted to get sick), and it seemed like a miracle when a portal opened up, bad news they got thrown into Wilds goddessdamned Gerudo dessert. And it was fucking cold. 

Atlest they could make a fire now.

But that really didn’t matter right now, because the moment Four walked through that portal he passed out, the last thing he heard was Legends squeaky noise as he was suddenly on 'make sure Four doesn’t die' duty.

The next time Four woke up he was very disappointed to find out they were still in the dessert. Apparently they got fucking split up And Four got really sick from the rain from the last Hyrule. He also felt very very fuzzy when he woke up. His head was pounding and he could barly  hear anything his vison had black all around it and whatever wasn’t black spots was blurry as fuck. The thing that bothered him the most was how loud it was, he couldn’t hear anything yet everything was so loud in his head.

"F-r -OUR!" 

"R-red?"

"ye- m- tuic red"

Four couldn’t hear a word of that so he just squinted at Red? Well he tried but the need to close his eyes won and Four effectively passed out, the last thing he hears being a grunt of some kind.

The next time he wakes up Four feels every so slightly more lucid, he can even hear again(the static in his head is sounding more and more like fighting by the minute) everythings still hot and blurry but he soon feels a wet towl? On his face.

"Hmm"

"Four!"

Said boy tilts his head, that’s not red is it? Maybe it is. No. 

"thank godesses your finally awake." Legend? He thinks that’s who it is.

"yes im Legend." 

Oh hes talking outloud. 

"mhm"

"Come on you have to eat something, which means you have to sit up, I only have rations and ingredients but its better then nothing." as he said that Legend was helping him sit up, well Legend was kinda just doing it all but Four aprecieted it a lot actually, as he had to get helped eating the tastless jerky that the captain hands out for rations.

And that’s were they were now, Four getting basiclly fed and he just felt horible and the arguing got louder in his head and it felt like it just kept getting louder and louder and louder until.

"SHUT UP" 

Hed barly been awake for 10 minutes and he couldn’t take it anymore he just wanted to go back to sleep and wake up in a nice cool inn where they had food and water and were his brothers were with them. 

"-our Link?"

Oh yeah legend, fuck legend. Hed yelled, it wasn’t ment at him everythings just so loud and everythings spinning and he just wants everything it shut up shut up shutup shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup.

"link!"

He felt heavy presence of Legends hands on his shoulders and everything else stopped. 

Legend sighed.

Besides that it was silent 

"m sorry…"

Legend just looked at Four in a way that screamed, confused, a little mortified even, sad, and angry but not at him Four hoped atlest. 

He really looked like that little kid who was trembling in his tiny boots thinking he didn’t need Elzo while he was really listening for Elzos every word.

He really did think Elzo was just a saftey net didn’t he. 

"no- god no Four fuck uhm. Your sick im sorry I know somethings happening its loud er like in your head right? Im ausuming the mutturing you’ve been doing was them right? The uhm I don’t know what you call em."

What?

Wait.

Did Legend know?

"How-"

"I sorry I didn’t say anything I- your like uhg I cant do this now im sorry I Shouldn’t have said anything I just, I get it well I don’t but it- your sick and it cant be easy I just im not mad or anything okay"

Four sighed, hed deal with the fact legend knows later, and the fact that the yelling is still promanint hes tired and everythings still spinning, and well hes happy that legend isnt mad? He supposes"

#wumptober2023 #linked universe #fanfic

[uranium]

feel free to ignore this if you want but I'd be really interested to hear what it is about radiation that makes it so fascinating to you & why you feel compelled to work with it? as someone with pretty bad health anxiety where any risk of cancer is a trigger I just can't wrap my head around it lol

hi!!! okay sorry i have a cold right now so im kind of out of it but. radiation is SO interesting to me because it is something that has an aspect of danger to it, but also has the potential to do a LOT of good as well. fusion energy is likely to take off at some point, but we haven't even gotten it to truly Work yet, and its going to take years and years and years and years to get it to a commercial scale that can begin to take over the very pressing threat of the coal industry.

nuclear, on the other hand, is something we know how to do. we've known how to do it for a while, and many of the mistakes and accidents that have occurred were because shortcuts were taken to avoid spending more money on critical safety measures and proper employee training. these days we have even safer technologies and i believe workers and government agencies are a lot more cautious now that we know what can go wrong. there's also a HUGE medical sector of nuclear - although it's not my main interest, i'm also working to help create an element in a nuclear reactor (previously only made in particle accelerators) that is extremely rare but has shown amazing results in its ability to straight up fucking cure cancer. unfortunately, a lot of the caution as mentioned above has turned to extreme levels of fear to the point most people freak out as soon as nuclear anything is mentioned.

this becomes a problem because. and im sorry i dont have the source on me rn ill grab it later but literally the coal industry puts out radiation and has a measurable impact on increased cancer levels in the US than the nuclear industry even comes close to. coal and fossil fuels are absolutely decimating our planet at a breakneck speed. ive taken classes on current air pollution and its expectations in the future that left me more panicked than anything ive read on individual nuclear accidents. we HAVE the technology to have nuclear used on a mass scale in the US (many other countries do) and there are thousands of scientists all over the country working to make it even safer and to solve the problem of long term nuclear waste management(which my research group is doing!)

also, working with radiation is usually....pretty safe! people generally do not want to get highly irradiated. i love radiation but that doesn't mean i want to get blasted by it, or risk huge chances of getting blasted by it. i work at a research reactor and i usually have to wear 2-3 dosimeters at all times in there, and get in trouble whenever im not. there are alarms stationed everywhere for the slightest increase in radiation, and we work with extreme amounts of caution. we recently had what we considered a Huge Mistake where a sample we were given to irradiate came out much hotter than we expected and everyone got dosed higher than usual. the highest dose someone got was 25 millirem. you need 10,000 millirem to get a 0.8% increase in cancer. this was our major scare. on an average day of work my dosimeter reads a dose of.....0.0 mrem. maybe 0.01 if it was in a high field. our supervisor has been working with radiation since he was 19 and is now close to 90 and one of the healthiest elderly people i know, and bro has been exposed to multiple curies in one go and came out fine.

pretty much, yes. there is a risk in what i am doing. i cant look anybody in the eyes and say there is an absolute 0% chance of me getting sick or injured with this work but i am far too fascinated by the...."magic" of radiation, as well as the vast amounts of good it can do for humanity, to let that stop me. many jobs have MUCH more dangerous risks, and higher rates of cancer, than a modern radiation worker.

#sorry if this is rambly. my brain is currently underwater

[cranberryvishnu]

Cranberry - Bloody Tom and the Coffin Riders... Colter the first wave

This is part V of a series. If you want to read parts I through IV - follow these links: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV

Or you can just jump right in here!

"...So - to be clear - when you say: 'kicking an ass,' it has nothing whatsoever to do with animal abuse?"

I had to be sure, but I could tell that Bloody Tom was getting a little tired of explaining it.

I glanced over at Eli who had been consolidating our armaments with Ezekiel, the mayor's slow witted, but affable son. They were stockpiling ammunition along the back wall of the bunkhouse we were in. The pile had grown large and alarmingly unstable, so I was glad he was there to help organize it all.

I noticed Eli pause, and take a seat on one of the crates. As he settled in, he leaned forward to watch our conversation. It was as though he were about to observe something very amusing.

Then my attentions were swiftly drawn back to our discussion as Bloody Tom slapped his hand on the table, causing the plates and utensils to rattle and dance slightly. He wasn't known for his patience.

"For fuck's sake Cranny! NO! 'Kicking ass' is when you beat someone's shit! You WIN - and... and the other dude is your bitch!"

The Coffin Riders had taken to calling me "Cranny."

At first I did not like the name at all. It sounded a little like 'granny' and also evoked dark places in old cellars where insects might hide.

Yet over time, I got used to it, and realized it's not the word - but who is saying it and how it is meant, that is most important. Now I find it has a rather endearing quality, and it would be most strange to hear my new friends refer to me by any other name.

Also, Tom's logic was starting to make sense - but now the word 'bitch' had been added to the taxonomical mix - and it's use generated more questions.

I leaned over the table and turned the key on the lamp to kill the flame as the morning sun's pale, cold rays had just started to slant into the window.

We could be attacked any day now and needed to save the kerosene.

As I pursued my line of questioning, I softened my voice to signal my earnest desire to know. I really wanted to understand how they thought about things.

"I see... but when you bring the term 'bitch' into the mix Tom, it just sounds more and more like you have some kind of vendetta against animals."

Eli made a sudden weird grunting sound as if he was stifling a sneeze. An understandable reaction, as it was quite dusty where he was sitting.

Bloody Tom opened his mouth to fire back, but I quickly put a hand up to signal I wasn't finished and continued.

"Now before you say anything - I understand that 'bitch' doesn't simply mean a female dog. I know that it is also applied to horrible ladies, and often it can be men who you are able to overpower and intimidate. But still - it just seems to me like you have something against animals in general. Animal related slurs are frequently directed at the center of whatever is vexing you in the moment."

Tom's eyes glazed over and he looked down at the rough hewn table we sat at. With his fingertips, he slowly pushed away the tin mug of coffee in front of him. It was as though this vessel contained the source of all his troubles.

"Cranny - I don't even..."

He turned to Eli, but found no help there. Eli had gone back to stacking the ammunition with Ezekiel. When he turned back to me and spoke, it was quiet... controlled, and only the slightest tremor in his voice gave away his profound annoyance. I was truly touched by my leader's sincere attempts to modulate is temper for me.

"We're gonna have to table this little discussion, because - it's time for me to go annnnnnd uh... do something meaningful now - so Cranny, I'm going to go out and kill us all some food."

I was embarrassed by my own impertinence and frustrated by my lack of ability to understand the vernacular of the west. I also wanted to do something meaningful too and made a suggestion.

"Tom... I couldn't help noticing that there are bright red barrels and crates containing TNT inexplicably scattered all over town. That could be enormously dangerous if we are attacked. Shall I remove them to a single, safe location?"

I heard that strange stifled sneeze sound come from Eli's direction again. When I glanced at him, I thought he was smiling - but it could have just been gas. It's hard to say with the quality of the canned food here in Colter.

I was most pleased to hear Bloody Tom agree with my idea.

"Uhhhh... fuck yes you should move them to a safe location. That would be a great idea Cranny! Won't lie - kinda thought that had already happened by now... but - whatever, just get all that shit stowed. Get a wagon and some help - and move those fuckers into the basement of the old church pronto!"

Eli slid the last ammunition crate into place and knocked the dust from his hands as he addressed me.

"I'll give you a hand with that Cranny -"

He turned to the young man who had been helping him - and patted him good naturedly on the shoulder.

"Thanks Zeke, you were a big hel-"

KRACK-A-BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!

Zeke's head was there one moment and then suddenly... it was gone! Only his neck stump remained, belching up a terrible fountain of dark red foam. Eli's wide eyes were bright as they contrasted against his blood spattered face - yet surprisingly - he was the first to speak. He turned to Bloody Tom and me as we just stared...

"I swear - I just touched him on the shoulder. Seriously, it was just a friendly pat - it wasn't that har- "

SSSHHHHHBBBBOOOOMMMMM!

The whole front of the building exploded inwards. It was like the furniture, all the jars on the shelves - everything sprung to life and flew at us in a mad rage. Eli and I were flung like dolls against the back wall and I dimly saw Bloody Tom fly off in the opposite direction, crashing like a meteor through tables, chairs and bunks.

The ammunition boxes ruptured and the shelves caved in causing thousands of bullets to slide and cascade down, piling up around Eli and me burying us in loose clattering heaps of brass and lead.

As the ringing in my ears subsided, I could hear the sounds of gunfire and shouting coming through the smoking, blackened ruin that was once the front of our bunkhouse. I could smell smoke - sulfur...

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and realized it had been there a while and was shaking me. It was Eli -

"Cranny, you okay?"

I sat up causing the bullets that had covered me to slide off chattering onto the floor. I ran my hands over my body and did a quick assessment.

"I, uh - y-yes... fine... and you??"

Eli was already unslinging his gun and stuffing cartridges in his pockets.

"Yeah, I'm good. We're under attack and need to move quick - where's Bloody - "

From the far corner of the room, we first heard - then saw to our great relief - Bloody Tom emerge unscathed from beneath a pile of broken burning furniture and twisted metal. He wasn't happy...

"Yeah - I'm fine TOO! Thought I'd just mention that since NO ONE is asking. But I guess that's because I'm just a worthless piece of shit... But hey - I'm glad YOU'RE okay!"

Eli just rolled his eyes as though it were some inside joke - but I called to our leader over the sound of sliding debris and settling rubble. I was horrified that he would think such a thing!

"Oh Tom that is not true we were SO very concerne - "

WWWWWHHHHHAAAABLAAAAAMMM!

A huge explosion hit the church just across the narrow street from our destroyed building. The shockwave knocked us all to the ground as soot and ash rained down everywhere. Again, the ringing in my ears gave way to more shouts and gun fire. As we scrambled to our feet a second time - the light behind me was blocked by something - or someone - coming through the opening!

I spun up to my knees and drew my LeMat - but held fire - it was Mr. Grimfrost! He was standing on a pile of broken stone that had once been a chimney.

Like us, he was covered with soot, and paused calmly to brush some burning embers from the shoulder of his jacket. When he spoke it was in that gentle, relaxed way of his that made every situation seem quite reasonable.

"It looks like the attack started a little early... so... when you ladies are done napping - we could really use your help."

#cranberry vishnu #rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #original character #bloody tom #coffin riders #eli #mr. grimfrost

[revelmaven]

i think i've finally succeeded in putting into words something that has been driving me insane recently, and i beg of anyone with insights to jump in on this.

ive recently started going back to therapy, and every fucking time i do this i become convinced that there is no one who can help me. Now, i am a huge advocate for therapy. Go to fucking therapy, if you have the means - bit i'm amending that statement somewhat to include: find the right Kind of therapy for you, because there's more options than just talk therapy.

which informs the bit that's driving me insane, which is:

i feel like my therapist is more interested in eliciting the textbook neurotypical response from me than actually listening to or treating me.

i do not have an official autism diagnosis because where i live they run you around $4k, and they largely refuse to even bother testing women above a certain age, however almost anyone who has ever spoken to me and knows anything more about autism than Sheldon Cooper Disease can guarantee you i have it, and from personal documentation over the course of now five years im pretty confident in saying I Am Autistic.

one of the ways this presents is that i am hyper aware of everything at all times. not in a high alert trauma response way (though also possible) but just in a My Attention Contains Multitudes way where i can comfortably juggle awareness of the clock ticking, the humidifier running at a different pitch today (probably need to change the filter), traffic outside, a conversation in the next room (if i get bored of this one sounds like the woman on the phone is having an entertaining day; i'll eavesdrop), wind, some animal in the garden, the AC is a bit high i'm cold, obviously the AC is set with you in mind because you're wearing long sleeves, and it is your office after all, have you read all those books on the shelf or is it just meant to make you look official, oh have to turn my phone to silent, my leg's getting tired i'm uncrossing my knees, oh someone else just came in and they didn't shut the front door so i can hear more traffic plus beach sounds now, oh school must have let out for lunch i can hear games, the humidifier smells weird too what's goin' On with that thing today?

and literally all of that happens every second of my life in every room i'm ever in, and at no point do i lose focus on the conversation. i just work that fast.

now my therapist does not understand autism. that is very apparent. because every single time i stop masking he suddenly drags me through grounding exercises i don't need - i can lucidly explain that i am already familiar with all the steps, can intelligently describe what is Actually happening in my mind, am showing no signs of distress or dissociation - and will not let me speak again until i hold eye contact, sit still and straight, and talk in an expressive tone.

and i have explained to him in detail what it will look like when i am in distress. he just ignores it.

and i feel like in his kind of therapy, the resolution of issues comes from explaining to people What they are feeling and what caused it. knowing this then solves the issue for them. MY issue is that my body stores negative emotions as physical sensations (and that i Do blame on trauma) even long after the emotion itself is gone, i am neutral and have processed it, and can recognise i am not in danger or distress. I just can't coax my body out of Threat Response, and usually have to wait days at a time for the lingering grossness of a slightly awkward phone call to work it's way out of my chest. That's what i'm coming for. i can describe what happened, how it affected me, how it Didn't affect me, what i think, what i feel, what i will do next time, and my whole emotional healing process - BUT i can't turn off my body's natural threat settings until Way after than they should have disengaged.

and despite being extremely clear and eloquent (i thought), and describing that sensation multiple times in different ways, it took THREE sessions before my psych blurted something like it out, and i latched into it and said 'YES!! THAT!! That is what i've been saying!' and he finally said 'oh! oh i'll change what i've set up, then'

and i have to do that every time. i feel like he doesn't respect my ability to understand my own body (which is something i've been receiving more and more from male practitioners in my town) and will only help me with the things i ask for if he can make it sound like he came to the breakthrough explanation for me. and even after that, he's altogether more interested in just getting me to act like how i imagine neurotypical people do at the end of a profound session than actually giving me any tools that could assist me.

i am beginning to think i am better off going to a trauma informed somatic therapist, but i wouldn't know where to find one nor how to tell if they are good.

please can anyone tell me what this is, what i might benefit from doing, and indeed if anyone else in the world has to deal with this and how u do

#actually autistic #vent #zero speaks #personal #life up8

[heavyskysystem]

Regading Joshua there also always was the discussion in the room if he wasnt the initial host, cause hes like the alter that was worked into the abuse, which involved strangers cuz it was basically sexual trafficking. So he has memories of having had a normal life, and then that being ripped from him. Theorized that he and I used to be whole and hes the first split, or however you see it that we both split from each other. And hed always go on about what made me different, why was I allowed to have a compareably normal life, and he was the one that had to instead have his normal ripped from him. If I look back to it its really tragic and sad and understandable from his side. But realistically I cant let myself be treated that badly so im glad eventually he did his one kind action and went doormant.

Its like the later alters have less complex emotional damage, even if they still do, but joshua was by far the most hurt alter ive met. cause later splits didnt remember much of a normal life, they existed more in that trauma. joshua was the transition period.

Joshua had all these by themselves healthy instincts about wanting connection to parents, about expecting good from people, about being trusting - but at the same hand then hed vent issues of another level of me showing how much the abuse fucked him up, and how he had to ruin everything good coming his way cause he wasnt used to safety at all anymore.

I almost fear that to answer his question regarding "why" I was the one that got to have the "normal" life and he didnt, its because when he and I stopped being one, I "split" with the capacity to develop like a hermit, and he didnt. I was more adapted to our home life. I learned to stay safe from our parents by not loving them and not expecting their love. He never wouldve been capable of that. I was better adapted to our every day life situation than he was. I learned to do without, learned to be self-contained, reduce chances of my dad csaing me thru like.... not giving him chances to be with me, not letting him groom me, entirely shunning him, ignoring gift-giving and phases where he tried to reel me in until even he came begging and crying abt how cold I had gotten towards him. But Joshua carries all these normal social expecations that we most likely "initially" had.

I guess its unfair cuz hes right, it couldve been either him or me who got to exist outside of the trafficking. But it wasnt him who got to have that. And im not willing to be treated like shit out of jealousy.

#vent

[daggryet]

❤💛

and oh ive figured out why inazuma quests where lacking (at least for me)

they were a little too fast, but not like. to be fair, not much faster than the rest, except like. half of the story wasn't there? like it's all in the legendary quests, the aftermath, the peace treaty stuff and the tension. and I haven't gotten through all of the legendary quests yet but inazuma seems to be the only one that has this kind of Important Stuff shoved away into smth like that

and yeah you technically have to go through all the legendaries for the area but like. i didn't. i didn't even know i should have until I got to that quest with xiao and the nameless adeptus (cool quest btw i was. So fucking scared they were gonna kill xiao)

so yeah. like i finished the sumeru quests and it was basically the same as the inazuma one. except they didn't put any of it away to legendaries and instead just made it whole

which yeah. maybe they weren't sure about inazuma when it just came out. but like. mond quest was full. it had the aftermath and all right there. were they trying smth new? was it a schedule issue? who fucking knows

but yeah. it's not that bad a quest even if the whole thing about raiden being tragic was a bit much for me. like. she was basically a dictator but I should feel bad for her and not for her people hoyoverse?

I mean. Considering political climate in China having rebels be good guys at all is kind cool. But still.

so yeah. that's my thought. gonna be going through the story quests, both archon and legendary, kinda fast in the coming days. i have neuvi guaranteed, but I also want wriothesley (literally because of people's fanart, bark bark awooga and all that) and i hope to have primos by the end of neuvi's banner. at least enough to try for a 50/50

yeah, been talking a lot in a server about my problems with inazuma, and half the story not being there despite that missing half obviously having a lot of weight on the story is a big part of it. like, why should i care so much about tepppei when we've not been shown teppei more than two times? i want to care about teppei, i can think of reasons for why his death is so important to traveler, but i'm not being SHOWN IT.

and raiden being solely tragic is so strange because of all the things we've not been shown in the inazuma archon quest, raiden's callousness and cold power is like the one (1) thing we did get to see. and the visions being given back, so raiden doesn't have those 99 tortured souls on her conscience, is such an obvious marketing choice because us using the power within the visions, the last ambitions of the owners, was such a big part of the finale that the visions still having power is such a dumb choice. i guess it's because it was such recent crimes against her people, that they kind of removed any consequences for it, because zhongli did get to keeps his morally grey nuances in his story quests (and raiden's were, as you said, purely oh woe is me)

i actually think there's a reason for why inazuma lacked and why the writing went so downhill for that region in particular (or well, for that archon quest). probably some behind the scenes drama with writers stepping down close to the deadline. that would make sense with how they very obviously had a big plan for the archon quest, like sumeru was going to be, but somewhere along the line, the story didn't get written.

the world quests for inazuma are so good!!! they're really sad, but they're all following the theme of "you can't change the past, but you can try to put its ghosts to rest", and i just love that so much. i'd definitely recommend doing them if you have time for it. (also, just like in sumeru, some regions in inazuma won't really be unlocked until after the quests have been done).

good luck with story quests!!! if you've come across any good ones, just send me another ask, i have so many thoughts on some of them:DDD and GFOOD LUCK ON WRIOTHESLEY!!! AND NEUVILLETTE!!! YOU WILL GET THEM BOTH!!!

ALSO!what did you think about the 4.1 trailer? i'm SO excited to see how it unfolds. with arlecchino likely being the big bad from the fatui, i'm gonna have to accept that lyney is probably gonna be on the wrong side, but STILL, his "wriothesley, where did you take my siblings?" still absolutely broke me. also neuvillette coming out to fight, hope childe gets an opportunity to face off against him

#ask #❤💛 anon #long post #genshin