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cattles-bians · 3 years

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exes au part 14

post directory

obsetress:

obsetress: viola

em: holy shit

em: i think viola could hold a truly ridiculous number of things in her hands

em: danis like i have a little fanny pack right here- and violas like (turns up nose) absolutely not

obsetress: pre therapy viola during her relationship w dani: buys dani a birkin too, is like "here baby, so you don't have to use that fanny pack"

obsetress: dani's like "oh. i, um. like my fanny pack"

obsetress: viola therapy era after her relationship with dani: buys her a hermes fanny pack instead

obsetress: jamie rolls her eyes but dani is literally

em: i think a lot abt viola offering solutions completely unprompted n then being really offended when ppl dont take her up on it

em: pre therapy obvs

obsetress: SAME

obsetress: oh link is gross

obsetress: cost is grosser

obsetress: but viola lloyd dropping $2550 on a fanny pack for her ex gf? chefs kiss

---

obsetress: ok just remembered viola slouching or leaning or w/e n like

obsetress: brain practically applying that to exes au and imagining when and where she'd slouch n everyone's reactions to htat

obsetress: bc like she has perfect posture but when she chooses to do it it's a power move

obsetress: and i. hm

em: yeah

obsetress: viola sitting up stock straight when they first get to brunch and as soon as she's ordered her bloody mary shes pulling off her sunglasses and dropping them on the table and just sinking back

em: how to phrase this w/o sounding too much like a whore

em: actually no way to say this but like i feel v strongly abt the way we make women take up less space wrt to knees together calves touching type deal and i think maybe

em: maybe viola can manspread a bit as a treat

em: hate that term but i cant think of a better one

obsetress: nah she does n it's hot

obsetress: just had this image pre divorce of viola and arthur at marriage counseling on opp ends of the couch n arthur's sitting v tight close and vi is just

obsetress: leaning and spreading a lil

obsetress: the first time jamie sees her do it she's so taken aback

obsetress: because she's NOT expecting it

em: jamies like ah ok late in life lesbian deal and then jokes on her viola is fluent in dyke slouch

obsetress: jamie immediately trying to suss out just how long viola has been fucking women

obsetress: she says to dani later "i thought she was all proper like" and dani's like "she is" and jamie's like "so wot was that then" and dani's like "well, people are gay, jamie,"

em: ghfjhgljkJFDASJKKJFGA

em: jamies like so wait how long HAS viola been

obsetress: jamie: so you were vi's first serious girlfriend right? dani: dani: jamie: right???????

em: violas been fucking women longer than jamie has lbr

em: i mean shes clearly only 35, jamie,

obsetress: jamie: so... vi... viola: hm? jamie: you're, uh, gay, right? viola: obviously jamie: right. well dani told me you've been dating women since–– viola: since i was 15, yes jamie: but you married a man

em: violas like u went to jail everyone does stupid shit occasionally

em: jamie: so how long have you been dating women viola: since i was 15 jamie: no i meant like. in years viola raises her eyebrows and jamies just like haha nevermind fuck

obsetress: she tried!

obsetress: she tried

em: jamie on her 35th birthday pencilling 'many happy returns' into violas ????th 35th birthday card

em: yknow i think

em: i think something's afoot

obsetress: jamie, giving up on the direct approach

obsetress: slipping in next to rebecca at the wine bar

obsetress: "becca"

obsetress: "hi, jamie" "hi. how old is your girlfriend"

em: am fucking losing it thinking abt jamie like. realising how much gay energy viola has

em: like taken ABACK

obsetress: fksljfLKSDJFLJ

obsetress: just like

obsetress: why are jamies reactions to viola so funny

obsetress: montage of jamie realizing how much gay energy viola has

obsetress: jamie watching viola sitting

obsetress: jamie watching viola pick up a variety of glasses and mugs

obsetress: jamie watching viola compare hand sizes with dani, jamie's girlfriend and viola's ex girlfriend who she dated for literal years and whose hand size she definitely already knows

em: NOT THE HAND SZIES

em: they go for a walk and viola immediately complains about the sun and jamie's like

em: i have a spare hat but ur not gonna like it

em: its a snapback that says daddy or smthn in gold, owen got it for jamie for her bday, jamie Loathes it

obsetress: BYE

obsetress: viola looks better in it than jamie does

em: jamie has that

em: am i attracted to viola? moment

em: it passses

em: she has already compartmentalised the weird psychosexual power play

em: queen of compartmentalising

obsetress: jamie: had another one of those moments today dani: what moments? jamie: where i thought i might be attracted to vi dani: well, you did let her fuck you... what was it, four? times in one night, so

em: jamie; yeah but like that aside

em: jamie 'thats neither here nor there' taylor

obsetress: she is the queen of compartmentalizing tho

em: i was gonna be like. 'jamies like wait i dont remember saying four' but. i think she would tell dani

em: because the flip of that is dani callin up vi n i dont think she would necessarily

obsetress: i think she would and dani would make her anyway

obsetress: well make her is harsh but

obsetress: dani would very curiously ask in very convincing ways

em: lovingly coax it out of her

em: dani: what if i fucked you four times in o

obsetress: dani: let me do five

em: viola probably wears so many rings jamie doesn’t even clock the ever present thumb ring

obsetress: jamie just. writes it all off

em: am laughing abt like. viola v meticulously taking off every single ring and putting it in its proper location before...

obsetress: there is something. so hot about that

obsetress: im gonna scream i think

em: i was just meming and now im thinking abt it and

em: truly played myself

em: actually this is me refusing to unpack whatever the hell theo crain gloves made me feel

obsetress: sdkfmsldjfa

obsetress: fair

em: sublimate it into rings

obsetress: i just like um

obsetress: thinkin about when she and dani are together and like

obsetress: it's intentional and everything has its place but vi also makes a show out of it

obsetress: and like

obsetress: she's SO painstaking about it and definitely makes dani wait a little bit and

em: helps dani outta her big ass earrings

em: i mean dani doesnt even Need the help

em: viola meticulous lloyd

em: i mean she just wears so much goddamn jewellry

obsetress: she can tell when dani's getting impatient and goes even slower

em: viola has like

em: viola is one of thos ppl thats really into expensive watches

obsetress: !!!!!!

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: nice lil canon nod too

em: she drags dani to antique auctions n danis like i cant. actually tell the difference between the real and the forgery and violas like (passionately explains it for like 30 minutes) and dani is

em: like shes mentally checked out but also v intensely watching violas hands as she points to the parts of the watch

em: rebecca gets it tho

em: rebecca Gets It

obsetress: dani shoving vi into the bathroom at the auction house and tugging vi's hand between her legs v rebecca grabbing her own auction paddle and bidding against viola for the same watch

obsetress: (rebecca n vi fuck in the car on the ride home)

em: dani grabs a paddle n mimes spanking viola n then the auctioneer is like '$250 to 201' and danis like aw Fcuk

em: violas like i cant take u Anywhere

obsetress: dani gives her the 🥺😌and viola's immediately over it and pulling out $250

obsetress: dani: i didn't even want it, i was just–– vi: i know dani: what am i even gonna do with a–– vi: i'll sell it for $500 at a private auction next week dani: so technically i'm making you money dani, grinning: it's like i'm your employee dani: do you have any more assignments for me, boss? vi: dani get your hand out of my pocket i need to focu––

#dj khaled voice another one #the dani jamie viola rebecca exes au

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satanfemme · 3 years

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ik ive asked u abt her before but im thinkin SO hard abt mary my mother mary today so like. any new thoughts on her?

mom.... gentle and kind...... I think uhmmm it says a lot about humanity (in a good way) that one of our bigger religions (catholicism + whichever other sects like her a lot idk) has such a focus on this Universal Mother figure, I think that's really nice and sweet. I think there's like.. Such a feeling to what she represents. I hope she's real and having a good time rn chilling in heaven or wherever

#sleevesareforlosers #christianity

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legobatjoker · 3 years

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also um. Today was a such a weird day 4 me i hops u dont me talking abt it bc like. This morning my mum was like "one day in the break do u wanna go out shopping w me just me nd u mother daughter" which is like. Spending lots of time w my parents is kinda detrimental 2 my mental wellbeing so um FNVHHDH i tried to be like "maybe idk im tired" but she was like "u shld be saying yes u have to" so um. That annoyed me for most of the morning but after the exam i wasnt as annoyed which was good (1/4)

but then okay basically i had the exam in morning but i stayed @ school until my sisters school day ended bc thats easier so basically i was just sitting in my school autism provision doing art work nd then a teacher was like "hey idk if u know her but this girl that used 2 go here is visting the school bc shes thinkin abt coming here for sixth form can u show her around shes called [her name]" nd it was fucking. One of my old best friends?? Like actually it was so weird (2/4)

bc like she left ny school like 3 years ago nd i tried 2 keep in touch w her but i wasnt able to so i hadnt spoken to her in so long nd also bc like. I feel like i was kinda a rly shitty friend to her LOL so like. I apolgised to her ofc but she was also like "no dw i feel like i was a rly bad friend 2 you tbh" which is so weird bc i dont remever her being a bad friend like at all but she also said the same thing abt me so like NFCHDNND bd like yea it was weird bc we hadnt spoken in ages but (3/4)

but it was still fun nd likd we just talked nd played jenga for a bit nd yea it was rly nice to catch up w her nd stuff esp since i always thought id never talk to her again but also it was rly weird bc it was so sudden nd its been so long but yea it was rly nice esp bc i rly missed her :] !!! (sorry if this is a lot btw but yea HSBCSHCB) (4/4)

im sorry abt ur mom beign annoying tht sucks -___-!! but oh wow bestie reunion ?? thats super cool :OO also obsessed w u both saying u were bad friends and the other wasnt bcuz it peada me to believe neither of u were actually bad friendsHSVSHS but yuh thts epic mx !! :33

#mewtuals #castle.answers

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cheswirls · 3 years

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i had that surgery between posting abt tokrev and now n took a break from reading and so the first half of tenjiku arc is fuzzy BUT i did finish it today so heres an update, ~190 chapters in

ive been vague b4 but this one will DEF have spoilers im talking openly abt so if you havent finished tenjiku arc dont read anymoreeee

i think i started last time abt the emma ch so to start off this one w the emma ch bc. damn. i think besides being absolutely heartbreaking this cemented kisaki as not necessary the enemy, but as someone who has done wrong. kisaki has been the main villain this entire time, but i mentioned this last time, its different being told someone has done something vs seeing it. besides him n hanma beating up chifuyu, everything kisaki has done hasnt had any proof to it. even when he says something akin to ‘damn my plan is foiled’ its less admission when theres nothing to back it.

but emma changes that. now theres a homicide associated w kisaki. now theres a bad thing hes done right in front of the mc, and for all the viewers/readers to see. now hes equivocated w the death of emma.

i think emmas death matters for two reasons, and one more than the other. the first is the impact it has on mikey. its shown a few times now what death will do to him, like w shinichirou and baji, but w emma it hits different. im gonna contrast her and baji on both points, not to take away from baji’s death, but to add to emmas.

if im not mistaken a majority of baji scenes were only shown after his death. i think it worked and the valhalla arc was rly well structured, but what this left in turn was a sort of emptiness associated w baji dying. the readers didnt rly know him at all compared to some of the other toman captains, and it rly hadnt been shown yet wwhat his relationship w mikey was like. we see the effect it has in his rage towards kazu, and none of his grieving. even when at bajis grave, its chifuyu that gets a bigger focus than mikey. but w emma, it actively tears mikey up. he struggles to carry her to the hospital, hes visibly shaken when he tells takemichi shes grown cold, and hes absolutely dead inside when hina is crying at emmas corpse and drakon is yelling at him asking why he let it happen. it hits hard, and it shows, and it makes the impact that much harder, that she died in the past and theres no way tofix it. and the realization takemichi has right before, of ‘o yeah ive never seen grown emma come to think abt it’ then bam.

the second and much bigger point is the emotional impact is has on the reader. baji appears and is instantly a source of conflict. he outs himself from toman, he joins the enemy, he denounces chifuyu when questioned abt investigating kisaki. theres no reason to trust him n no reason to think he’ll turn back, and then only thing there is mikey saying he wants baji back.

emma had that amazing chapter not long before, and shes had a few focal points previously, like on her birthday, and on new years, etc. we’ve seen her as an individual first, then as mikey’s sister, and that makes a difference. seeing her even admitting izana was her brother rly hit different bc its emma, the emma that grew up w shin and mikey but had another life before that. that was the connection i kept making, even as izana explained he had more relation w shinichirou, bc it was mentioned by emma first, bc emma remembered him, after all those years. knowing izana was involved w her death made it hit harder. it hits harder in general bc its emma, someone whos been around since the beginning, and been explored more in depth. i felt sad when baji died, but i was destroyed and heartbroken when emma died.

which, going back, makes kisaki in turn absolutely despicable. deplorable. abhorrent. unforgivable. even more so when he shoots kaku, and then izana, thrice, and then izana dies. i still rly didnt. get? izanas motivations, but i started to feel for him thru mikey, when he realized it was izana shin meant when he asked abt a second older brother. kaku getting shot was unexpected and almost worse than emma in the moment, bc kisaki had a gun and even knives were kinda taboo weapons, guns were completely off the table, and he shot five times andinjured three people w every shot. im glad the tenjiku members that stayed behind told police abt kisaki bc the entire time he was running i was like um??? and even B4 that i was like hey no mikey you dont need to stay, yall jus nee to beat kisaki into submission n have him confess bc the gun is right there, the bullets are there, cmon now.

but then kisaki dies/????? the way its set up made me go crazy, thinkin someone did it purposely, but then the driver was a nobody, and then hes still alive after impact???? big surprise honestly. but then his arm n leg are emessed up, n he says he cant get up, n it took me a sec to realize he prolly lost coordination n not jus bc of one leg, like he prolly couldnt sit up at all, then he up n died rightthere.

b4 thattho, was the confirmation. i completely always thought kisaki wasnt a timeleaper, i thought takemichi made atheory but it was baseless, i didnt rly like it, and then the scene during the vs tenjiku when he says future stuff n kisakis like what?? are yiu talking abt??? BUT THEN then have their standoff in the same parking lot n kisaki says you are a timeleaper and i was like what? he can also??? but then he coudnt! he admitted, was like no in ever could, which means someone else is pulling strings if there is another timeleaper, andmy moneys on hanma, the only other one whos been around the whole time. maybe ill b surprised but i f its not him then theres not another one, imo.

kisaki dying caught me off guard. his whole ten year plan was absolutely nuts, ic ant believe he thought he could go up to hina n straight propose n she would say yes, like honestly would she even remember him at that point? regardless i knew from the cram school chapters that there was some connection there, but i didnt think hina dying was some jealousy-fueled hate revenge plot. wild. but now the “main” villain is dead so what goes from here? we willn see.

i am rly glad kaku made it out. tallying 3 deaths in the kanto incident was so confusing w emma being one of them but the reveal that kaku was alive was rly something. i hope more comes from him!! the setup between him n takemichi was rly rly nice!!!! i wanna see more

i am kinda sad abt coco, bc thesetup of takemichi protecting him from div5 was great, n inui is a permanant fixture in div1 now, so to see coco decide to split was kinda sad. hope he doesnt go down the wrong path. kinda expected to see more knowing how popular him n inui are?? but nontheless

and smiley and angry were so good!! souta and kawata are amazing and souta was not like what i was expecting at all, n now knowing that he cares a lot n is not rly a fighter but iss till in toman jus. rly speaks a lot abt mikeys judge of character n kawatas older brotherschtich that they would let him be vice of div4. seeing what kawata and mitsuya both did during tenjiku arc was rly nice.

and then hina telling drakon andmikey!!! surprised they believed, but it rly will mak things move now. for ex the gun scene where hes abt to shoot kisaki, rly ready to end it, but then hina n mikey rush in. i rly like that knowing that they both know this takemici is from the future, bc they panic but their faith in him isnt lost ,y’know? like they see him desperate, n drakon has a great line abt takemichi’s desperation, theyre not seeing their friend abt toshoot someone n freaking, n they wont judge his sense of character off of that,instead theyre seeing the desperation of someone who wants things to change, and know they can talk him out of it, or if not that then at least ,like, its not going to change what they think abt him. iunno jus. nice little detail i loved while reading that.

#i think thats it?#cant wait ot see whats next!#entering the current arc i think if theres around 210 chapters out now #ill post a final thoughts when im caught up !#ps if theres mistakes its bc my hand is giving out ignore them pls

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bandtrees · 4 years

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Would you happen to still do the character ask thing? If yes, how about some attention to some obscurer characters: Simon Peacock and Michelle? :D

still taking, yup! thank you so much <33 i love doing these! send me a character and i’ll break their ass down!

simon:

how i feel about this character: I LOVE THIS MAGGOT MAN DEARLY he’s very intriguing and i love that we get a more... unhinged anti-murkoff character. doing awful things for a good cause which i find intriguing. also in all honesty when i first read the murkoff account i found his whole... rotting superpowered corpse thing dumb n unfitting for outlast but its grown on me a lot. he’s just another murkoff employee that got experimented on and probably got it worse than the ones just shoved into th engine :[

all the people i ship romantically with this character: i very much like the idea of miles/simon - simon isnt really an ideal shipping character but iv always been attached to him n miles working together...undead buddies...bug motifs...its good. i think if there’s anyone simon could actually listen to n be redeemed with th help of it’d be miles, who’s also reckless and ambitious but has enough humanity to help keep simon grounded n stuff. i rly love this ship and can’t picture simon with anyone else tbh

my non-romantic otp with this character: i do really like his contrast w waylon as working partners and all th angst it brings as simon gets more unhinged :] ALSO there’s a fic i read where val ended up surviving and simon took her from murkoff custody and i really like their dynamic in that. i feel like they have some stuff in common and i also find val being her filthy self and simon being completely unperturbed hilarious. unstoppable force vs immovable object

my unpopular opinion about this character: look at the tvtropes character page for outlast. scroll down to simon’s tab. look at the second trope listed under it. “big good”. “BIG GOOD”. simon’s on the good side and he helps waylon sure but i would NOT call him a big good by ANY stretch. a well-intentioned extremist if anything. big goods don’t kidnap terminally ill kids, cut their fingers off, and potentially withold them from their treatment!!!! what!!!!!!!!

one thing i wish would happen with this character: on one hand i don’t want to have my headcanons debunked but on the other i REALLY wanna learn more of n see more about him in general!!! i wanna see how he works with waylon and miles and how he BECAME like that and how he was as a murkoff employee and just!!! i wanna know more in general! (for those also wanting to know more i have a character study of him with headcanons about that stuff ehehe shameless self plug)

michelle:

how i feel about this character: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE HELP HER. her situation is so upsetting and im thankful she at least gets a not-awful ending... which by outlast standards isn’t great but at least she’s alive and away from murkoff XD i also find her cunningness fun, managing to keep that threat towards trager under wraps - her involvement was only found bc trager had an abortion pamphlet on him. she’s smart!

all the people i ship romantically with this character: my otp, idk about you, is michelle and a nice long nap. seriously though i don’t really ship her with anybody - trager is an obvious no and i talked abt why i didn’t like her with pauline in my pauline post... paul? if i had to choose? they’d support eachother... but overall i dont ship michelle with anyone the gal just needs some alone healing time

my non-romantic otp with this character: okay. okay is it cheating if i say anna. i know she’s an oc bUT it’s just...so sweet... i love that au a lot it’s very bittersweet n i was thinkin abt it earlier today. michelle is just trying her best to raise this girl despite everything and that just (clutches chest) gets me for anyone unaware, anna is @the-creeping-shadow’s oc and michelle’s daughter in an au where she actually was pregnant and it’s very cute n sad ;w;

my unpopular opinion about this character: ...acknowledging her existence? i don’t think there are any opinions on her much less popular ones... oops

one thing i wish would happen with this character: see romantic otp. a nice long nap. it’s relieving that she’s alive (if trager didn’t try to kill her then the phantom pregnancy def wouldv...) and i wish the best for her. in general i think a murkoff account continuation would be VERY FUN though i doubt itd happen and itd be interesting to see how she’s coping with everything... she knew mount massive was a corrupt place even if only because it let trager mistreat her, so seeing how she felt about hearing what happened there only like two years later would be interesting...

thank u for indulging me and my love for obscure characters. tune in next week for my essay on dr claymore /s

#i kid but i actually was considering writing about him #XD #the murkoff account #outlast #long posts #ask memes #shade tag

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lesbiankermit-moved · 5 years

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crazy thinkin abt how much has changed since switching jobs, n how much hasn’t too. but idk it’s like i’m in a completely different mindset.

my biggest part of leaving had been not wanting to work 3-11pm all the time bc i had No time fr a social life or jst doing anything at all, n i was jst so so so fucking anxious n depressed all the time while i was still at the gas station. and idk it’s not entirely like the root cause of that, i also have gone through some crazy shit while i was working there n this past year in general has just been.. a lot. but yeah like that lifestyle of staying up late, sleeping in, being alone or with one other gross fuckin piece of shit male coworker for the night, in the middle of nowhere at night w random dudes coming in, like i kept having panic attacks every shift closing n having to call my gf n shit n like. gd i jst feel like i was such a piece of shit too like i lashed out sm back then but i felt like i was a thread stretched across barbed wire trying to keep the family unit afloat.

sorry thats a LOT idk but my point was that shit rlly has changed for the better with this job like that was such a good n much needed life change. like i love working 7am-2pm sorta shifts, i like jst doing my prep work or unloading trucks. and actually seeing uhh sunlight at all lmao. n i’m so so happy that the day crew is pretty much entirely women. like a few male coworkers are in by lunch, but most of them rlly aren’t especially heinous? but again idk i don’t have to be around them constantly like at the gas station where there was sm oppurtunity for them to be creeps to me:)

but like. yeah. idk. i Am still struggling n there’s still a whole lotta bullshit w this whole being alive thing, but i’m into it. like i’m just doing sm better in general in terms of like, i’m going to temple regularly n actually reading n studying judaism, i’m working on art n being mindful abt having time for myself n just creating for the pure joy of it, i’m seeing my girlfriend so much more n planning all these fun trips n things to do with her, i have more time to hang w ppl n do stuff even if i still have a lot of imposter syndrome anxiety stuff n im pretty sure no one rlly likes me but at least theyre putting up with me fr now yknow?, n having the better paycheck n closer workplace helps w everything too. idk. i’m rly happy man, n i’m happy being able to spend more time around the women i love n women in general. bc i forget sometimes but i was jst rmbring stuff today n like gd men are so.. gross.... i’m jst so glad i don’t have to be around shitty gas station dudes anymore 😬

#k.txt #long post #d/nt r/b #srry for like emotional dumping but idk soemtimes i need to write everything w/o stopping to rhink to jst get it out there ykwim

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squidbatts · 5 years

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Tell Me (is it worth it?)

A necessary conversation after a graveyard scare

((it is, as always, Peter Loving Hours and im still thinkin abt m23 (and janine) so Have This. full spoilers to s7m23 but possibility for minor implications to m32.

potential tw for discussions of depression and a near death experience))

{ao3}

The run back to shelter is quiet.

Five signs him a quick “Are you alright?” but he waves them off.

“It's been a long day,” He signs back, and nearly laughs at Five's scrunched-faced scowl that so obviously says You think?

Nearly, because it's then that Janine decides to look over her shoulder at the two of them. Their eyes meet for the briefest moment before Peter redirects his gaze up at the dark, grey sky.

He can feel Janine and Five still looking at him -- even half wonders how they're looking, if they're worried or annoyed or upset -- but he refuses to look back down, even when he stubs his toe on a rock because he's not looking where he's going. It hurts, obviously, but it’s leagues better than what he'd been preparing himself for today.

He grimaces.

Definitely too soon for jokes.

See, Peter knows he shouldn't have tried to sacrifice himself for the greater good or whatever. He knows that he gets stuck in his own head, that he's not doing great on the whole “being happy and enjoying his life” thing, that he turns half his conversations into embarrassingly self-deprecating circle jerks about how he can't die or the ways he should've died or just how bloody awful he feels all the time, but, well, if wishes were horses and all that.

When they reach Sage’s beach, Dennis gives them an awkward smile before quickly walking away -- because what else are you supposed to do when you're leaving a bunch of strangers who just heard you try to end it all? Really, Peter would love to know the answer to that one, if anyone's figured it out -- but Sage stops to look at Peter with his unfairly perceptive eyes.

“Thank you for your assistance on this operation, Colonel Sage,” Janine is saying, but Sage just keeps staring Peter down.

“If you don't mind me saying so, Colonel De Luca, I think that your runners would benefit from some rest,” Sage says, finally looking away from Peter, though his body is still turned towards him. “Today has been… taxing. For all of us.”

“We really must keep going if we're to reach our lodgings for the night by sundown-”

“You could spend the night with my people,” Sage interrupts, “We’re no Abel Township, but I'm certain we can find room for you.”

Sage's oil rig and seaside town is almost as big as Fort Canton, if not bigger, but Peter recognizes Sage's tactic -- insulting yourself so the other party feels inclined to support you; insisting on leaving now would make it seem like Janine is implicitly agreeing that Sage's settlement is worse than Abel, and Sage must known as well as Peter that Janine would never willingly insult an ally.

“If you do insist,” Janine says, after a moment. From the corner of his eye, Peter can see how she’s fighting off a frown. “But I need to debrief with my runners, do you have somewhere private where I could do so?”

“Oh, but of course, Colonel, I’ll have one of my men lead you there. It will be just a moment,” Sage says, finally leaving them, but not before squeezing Peter’s shoulder. He doesn’t do it tightly, it doesn’t even hurt, but Peter still winces.

Janine glances at him, but doesn't say anything. Nerves make him want to move -- to shake, to tap, to fidget -- but he doesn't want to draw Janine's eyes back to him, doesn't want to see her look at him like she's shocked he's there, like he's a wild animal that she has to be careful not to spook. Like she barely knows him.

They wait for Sage's man in silence, the kind that settles like a old quilt on a small child; suffocating and far too heavy. When Sage’s man finally arrives, he nearly trips over himself at the sight of Janine before leading the three of them (though not without a considerable amount of backwards glances at Janine like he’s imagining her in a leather catsuit and eyepatch) to a more isolated building that Peter can only kindly refer to as a shed.

“They can't spare anywhere nicer for the saviors of the UK?” Peter signs to Five, since the leader is still stammering his way through talking to Janine and he's close enough that it’d be rude if Peter muttered it under his breath.

Five rolls their eyes, obviously amused, but still tries to put on a scolding facade, “Janine said ‘private’ not nice.”

“I know not everyone can have fancy farmhouse dining room to hold meetings in but really, you'd think they could do better than a shed.”

Five snorts, unable to hold onto their Head of Runners appropriate disapproval. Janine kindly and curtly denies the leader's flustered overtures and gets him to leave.

She’s almost painfully normal during the debrief -- same old Colonel De Luca voice as normal, with her hard gaze and her curt, to-the-point words -- but after it’s done she nods to herself as says, “Alright, Runner Five, you may go, but I would like a few minutes with you, Mr Lynne. If you don’t mind.”

“‘Course not,” Peter says, though his body yells for him to run. Five raises their eyebrows and grimances in an exaggerated Yikes face as they leave. ��Listen-”

“Mr. Lynne,” Janine says, bulldozing over what Peter was going to say, still using her above-it-all tone, “I wanted to apologize to you, specifically for my behavior today. It was a stressful situation for us all and it’s unbecoming of a leader to break down like that in the field, even when-”

Janine cuts herself off, voice breaking. Peter lurches forward half a step before he can stop himself, arms held out towards her. “Jenny-”

Janine screws her face up for a half a moment before smoothing it out and locking it back into normalcy. She’s looks at a point over Peter’s shoulder. “Even when confronted with a potential personnel loss. I’m sure my own… discomposure didn’t help with your own decisions. As your leader, I should have been helpful, not another difficulty.”

“You can’t seriously believe that,” Peter says, “I told you, Jenny, none of this is your fault.”

“I’m your commanding officer and,” Janine pauses, finally meeting Peter’s eyes. “I should’ve planned better, should’ve thought more about it, should’ve considered that possibility that you’d consider yourself a liability. I should’ve known what to say.”

Peter allows himself to take those steps forward, to cut the space between himself and Janine. He places her hands on her biceps, squeezing slightly. She sighs but leans into his touch. Peter bites his lips and watches as Janine studies his face. He doesn’t flinch away from her I can’t believe you’re here gaze this time.

“I really was thinking about Abel,” He says eventually, both because it’s true and because he thinks it’s important that Janine knows it.

“I know you were. That’s perhaps the worst part, that I know you were thinking of all of us, because to think that you thought anyone in Abel would accept your sacrifice is-” Janine cuts herself off and shakes her head, looking pointedly away from Peter and at the blank walls instead. “I just wish that you knew how much we all need you.”

Peter laughs awkwardly and shrugs. “You all seemed to do alright before I came back.”

“We lost Abel and we would’ve lost Five thrice if not for your intervention,” Janine says deadpan, not even letting his deflection stand. She sighs and shakes his hands off, crossing her arms over her chest. “Even ignoring what you do for our Township, I want you to understand that you’re… you're not unimportant to me. Not disposable, not an acceptable loss, not anything like that, not for any reason.”

“Not for any reason?” Peter asks with forced levity to hide the sudden weight he feels in his chest, “That’s a pretty extreme parameter, Jenny-”

“Not for the whole of the United Kingdom, Peter,” She interrupts, sharply. The words are painted in shades of her Colonel De Luca voice, but they tremble enough to make Peter tense. Her eyes are passionately bright, even though she’s blinking a worrisome amount. “Even if it would save the entire world, I wouldn't sacrifice you.”

“Janine,” He starts, the word sounding like it's been ripped from his lungs. He’s not sure what comes after it, what could come after it. An admission like that is- It's a lot, for the two of them. They’ve been close since he reintegrated into Abel, and he’s spent more than a few nights in her bed, but something like this… Peter swallows thickly. The space under his sternum feels overfull, his breath is caught in his throat, and he feels watery all over; a little like drowning, but maybe worse.

“It's- I know it’s selfish of me, unbelievably so, both to feel this way and to tell you about it, but I'm not sorry. I'm not asking you to live for me, I wouldn't want that, but you need-” She pauses and takes a deep, wet breath, turning her head away from Peter and rubbing a hand over her eyes aggressively. “I needed you to know. What you meant to me.”

“Of course I know,” Peter assures her, stepping forward. She turns her head up towards him and he has to force himself not to wipe at her tear-dewed eyelashes. Instead, he uses a hand to gesture at his own head. “It’s just rough in here, sometimes. It’s not always logical, or smart, but it’s just… there. And I thought, for a moment, that seeing if a burn cube could incinerate me would be the best way to help everyone, but I- I didn’t think of everything, or everyone. I’m sorry.”

Janine turns away again and laughs, but it’s harsh, humorless, and sad. “You don’t need to apologize.”

“Neither do you.”

They stand in silence for a moment, Janine staring at the floor with knitted brows and Peter looking at Janine with distress. He hadn’t meant for this to happen, had thought that his leaving would be an all-win situation. He bites back the instinct to apologize again and waits, until Janine’s eyebrows uncrease and she lets herself relax, arms falling back to her sides, leaning herself forwards until her forehead hits Peter’s shoulder. Peter wraps his arms around her, pulling her in as close as possible. He presses a kiss onto the crown of her head before he rests his cheek against it. It’s not closure, not for either of them, and Peter knows they should probably talk about it more, but just for right now, this is enough.

Janine sniffles slightly into his shirt and he strokes her hair and thinks of all the different ways that today could’ve gone. He’s grateful that it ended up like this.

#zombies run #zr #zrs7 spoilers #peter lynne #janine de luca #one shot

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