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ru8yx · 24 days

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✩ ᵕ̈ ིྀ ! ♯ ❝ THE WEDDING; ❞ •˙ 🦢 ⌗ ⊱

⋆⋅ ━━━━ ‧ ❞ ‧ ━━━━

🫧REGIS FLOYEN:

˖⋆࿐໋ ⋆REGIS WOULD want a wedding where your happy, if you wished for a small wedding, no problem, he would invite only those closes to him and you, if you wished for a big wedding, many nobles would come, after all who wouldnt want to see the glimpse of the new Duchess in a pretty dress?

He would make sure everything shall be perfect for you, after all, he would do anything in his power to see you smiling with him. To feel the happiness you once had in your marrige before everything turned upside down.

Even if he saw you once before, in the same lovley dress, the same smile, the teary Beautiful eyes looking at his blue ones that were widen once again, cheeks dusted pink as he watched his now once again wife make her way twords him.

He held your hand, delicately as he could not look away from you, kissing away your tears as the pope read the vows, his eyes too began to fill with tears, a few drops fell onto the floor as many nobles gasped at such scene. The cold duke crying?! That shall be the tale for many years.

But he didnt care, how could he? When his lovely partner was once again in his arms, after all the pain, he promised himself that he wont ever let something happen to you.

🫧CLAUDE DE ALGER OBELIA;

˖⋆࿐໋ ⋆CLAUDE AS AN emperor would held a grand wedding, dressed in the Imperial colours, a golden crown on his head while his red cape followed his every movement.

He designed a special crown, just for his empress, the one that shined like the moon, as he represented the sun. While in reality you were his sun, while he was the earth, if sometimes dares to happen to you, he shall slowly die, like his memories of you.

While ofcourse ATHANASIA, the now crown princess of the Obelia empire, would be all dolled up in a rosy dress, making the flowers dance along side of you as you made your way twords the pope and him.

He firmly held your head as he watched the pope with narrow cold Diamond eyes, tapping his foot as the pope began to read faster and stuttered every once a while, under the cold gaze of the emperor.

Claude did not smile, but there was a fiant smirk on his lips as he watched your hand now hold, his wedding ring, many say that they could see for a split moment how the emperor’s jeweled eyes shined under your warmth.

🫧IZEK VAN OMERTA;

˖⋆࿐໋ ⋆IZEK WOULD marry you after the bedding was done, that is when your official wedding planning will start, now in his family name you will be rememberd as a true member, DUCHESS [NAME] VAN OMERTA.

The wedding would be on the smaller side, just close friends and family, his sister and father would of course help plan anything needed, while the closest knights may tease how the Cold duke was now smitted by you, even if they had to shut up after izek glared at them.

He would gently rub your knuckles with his thumb, not taking his eyes off you and your beauty, how you look like a true angel sent from heaven just for him, on that day, he swore to protect you from any harm that may be done to you.

While the pope began to talk, izek did not listen to half of what he said, he simply just started at you, almost wanting to smile, which he did later on., but now, he gently grabbed your cheeks as he leaned down to kiss you, first time as his official duchess.

He gently held the hand that was now decorated with your wedding ring, swirling it around as the painter painted the two beauties, his gaze never leaving you or your beautiful smile as you tease him for staring so much.

🫧NORA NURNBERGER

˖⋆࿐໋ ⋆ NORA WOULD freeze once he saw you, dressed up as the finest doll, glammed to perfection, not that you werent already perfect to him, but now you truly looked divine, too divine.

He held his breath, watching you close your eyes, a calm smile on your face as you slowly look up at him, [e/c] eyes looking with so much love at his deep blue eyes, he felt his whole face turn a deep color, eyes wide as his lips parted.

A shaky hand gently fixed your hair as you murmured a small ’thank you’, before he leaned down to kiss your knuckles, watching you giggle at him before turning to the pope with a head nodd.

But Nora did not let go of your hand as he turned his head to look at the pope, slightly pulling twords you, as he watched you glance at him with a small smile and a little shake, watching your soon to be husband already smitted by you.

Afterward’s you smiled at Nora, posing for his paining in your wedding gown, watching him as he focused on every small detail about you, showing off your beauty, how the light seemed to do wanders for your reflection and how he can proudly call you his wife.

#manhwa x reader #regisxreader #claude x reader #noraxreader #izekxreader #wmmap x reader #stepmothersmarchenxreader #father i don't want to get married #father i dont want to get married x reader #manhwa #how to get my husband on my side #xreader

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sparklingsora · 2 months

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Hi. I would like to know many things about your roleswap au bc I love it very much but I have no idea what to ask I just want to know many things bc my brain has been consumed already

uhhhhh I guess can you lore dump a little bit on backstories? Idk I just wanna know everything about this au

I will be back in your ask box for this au several times most likely

-Spaghetti Brain Anon

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK!!! i am SO glad that i could get this au to live in someone else's brain rent free too. all i could ever ask for in life tbh i guess i'll infodump about character backstories, dynamics, character arcs, all that juicy stuff putting it under cut because HO BOY THIS IS GONNA GET LONG

as a heads up, take the timeframes i give you with a grain of salt, because i still havent completely figured out the timeline so first of all, vox!! he's a sinner, died in the 1950s, as per canon. he's a businessman, but less stable than in canon. he's always jumping from job to job, business to business, which results in him having a lot of connections with various people around hell. soon after arriving in hell, he met and became friends with alastor. cut to, i'd say around 7-10 years before the events of the story? alastor disappears without a trace during an extermination and vox assumes him dead. having now been personally touched by the effects of the extermination, the idea to try and solve overpopulation another way is planted in his head, but wont come to fruition until much later. in the meantime he meets velvette - finds her bleeding out in an alleyway after getting too cocky and trying to fight back to an exorcist (bad idea). he nurses her back to health, they become friends and eventually start dating, yada yada yada. one day vox and velvette find a funky little cat (keekee). keekee takes a liking to them and leads them to the old ruins of a building up on the hill on the edge of pentagram city. they figure out that the cat turns into a keyblade that can be used to magically build shit (only the hotel though, as keekee is the spirit of the hotel or??? whatever the hell the canon lore is idk???) vox finally decides to realize his idea to try and solve overpopulation more humanely - through redeeming sinners! his reasoning is, if angels can fall (as proven by lute and charlie), then demons can surely ascend, right? though he's not as sure or idealistic about it as charlie is in canon. he simply thinks it has a chance of working, and opening up a hotel means a bigger sample size than if he were to just try and get into heaven himself or something like that. besides, he wouldnt wanna go to heaven, he likes it here. also, im not sure where this is situated in the timeline yet, but he was in a band with adam, lute and possibly eve at some point? the band is called brimstone eden, as mentioned in the comic i posted. im not sure yet whether he was in the band prior to eve's disappearance or after it (eve disappears 7 years before the story starts to mirror canon lilith). swap!vox, like his canon counterpart, is a very reactive person. he follows trends, he's extremely go-with-the-flow to a fault. he never really had any strong beliefs until the hotel - his character arc mainly involves him gaining something to believe in and learning to fight for that belief, 'ready for this' being more or less the culmination of his arc. jesus christ i cant believe i wrote that much JUST on vox. *slaps the top of his head* this boy can fit so much lore in him

now, velvette... she's how you'd expect her to be. same old brave, arrogant velvette. she's a fashion designer and seamstress and runs a moderately sized business which she promotes on sinstagram. she's mutuals with val there, which is how he finds out about the hotel. there's not much to write home about when it comes to val - it's insane how similar angel and him are. like literally barely anything changes when you swap them, it's very clean. he's a prn star, sold his soul to angel dust, yada yada. though a bit on his dynamic with vox - vox is very good at reading people, and doesn't like being lied to (he's a bit of a hypocrite in that regard - he puts on a facade all the time when in professional settings). he can clearly tell val isnt doing as good as he pretends he is, and wants to help him really badly, but val just sees it as vox pitying him and rejects his help (its what they fight about in ep 4, as a counterpart to the whole "charlie going to the studio" thing bc vox wouldnt do that) and now here's the fun part - ALASTOR! oh, alastor, you beautiful stuck up bitch! so turns out, he's not so dead after all! he ALMOST died in that fateful extermination, but husk found him and offered him a "give me your soul right now or bleed out in this alleyway" type deal. of course alastor chose the former, but boy he's not happy about it. he's extremely ashamed of how far he's fallen. so ashamed, in fact, that he hid from the world for those 7-10 years! yeah! he's only pulled out of hiding when husk summons him to be the bartender for the hotel. vox is of course, extremely bewildered and demands answers. alastor doesnt give them and avoids him instead. it takes a sincere conversation with valentino in ep 4 for alastor to finally talk to vox again and explain himself. alastor is basically in extremely deep denial of just how fucked his life is. he clings onto his radio demon persona like a lifeline bc its the last thing that can help him feel some semblance of control over his situation. his tension with valentino is twofold - first they butt heads because of opposing personalities, and second because they both see the other's bullshittery. it's a clusterfuck it eventually bubbles over in ep 4, they both admit how absolutely fucked they are and are friends now. wish i could say more on al & val bc i love them very much but it seems ive run out of eloquency for now. though i know i'll draw some comics of them eventually so maybe it'll come across better in comic form. anyway as mentioned above ive run out of eloquency and im honestly not sure how coherent this whole thing is so you'll have to come back for the other characters some other time, dear anon! until then, thank you so much for the ask once again, and have a nice day/night :)

#askbox #veeswap au

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oneangstymotherfucker · 1 year

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Heavy TW for csa mention

Bit drunk rn but whomsoever needs to hear it:

Horny fantasies are normal. Most people think about "cnc", its one of te most common fa tasies. I've talked to MULTIPLE therapists about everything. if you read my porn on ao3 u know. But its "bad"- everything from.minors to violence to death. And every one of my therapists- before rhey even knew about my fucki g trauma- said that it was normal. That being into whack shit like incest, being a "kid" when it happens, lolis, shotas, abuse, nc,- all of it - didn't really matter. What matters is what you do irl, full stop.

Because the thing is I studied psychology. I went to college for it And because of my ocd and fhe fucked up shit my daddy did to me i had to fucking know why he did it and to know FOR SURE that i wouldnt do it so i sudied and i did literal years of research, not just reading actual psychological studies but also talking to people. I sought out the people you antis think are too gross and too bad to be alive and i talked to them and i learned. I read stidies and.i learned.

Some people are attracted to kids. That's part of the venn diagram of "who hurts kids" but its not the whole fucking thing. And even if you think they all deserve to die or whatever, theres still the matter of stopping the hurt, right? If that's actually what you care about amd not just some ego-stroking witch hunt. If you actually care then you HAVE to face the whole fucking venn diagram. because im sick to DEATH of people who never been hurt say its all one "kind of people" like a fucking nz and then act fucking flabbergasted when its someones good christian fucking dad who never looked twice at a kid amd theyre like "we wish we would have.known" well yeah fuckers you would have known if you actually listened and cared about the situation and not just about looking holy.

(AS A VICTIM I KNOW WHEN YOU ARE BEING FAKE WHEN YOU ARE DOING IT JUST FOR YOUR OWN SAKE I KNOW WHEN YOU REALLY CARE AJD WHEN YOU WOULD LEAVE KIDS LIKE I WAS IN THE DUST BECAUSE YOU HATE ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THE PAIN YOU THINK ITS A PLAGUE THAT SPREADS AND THAT ANYONE WHO TOUCHED IT IS DIRTYY YOU THINK IF YOU RUN FAST ENOUGH AND.HATE HARD ENOUG IT WON'T AFFECT YOU ABD YOU WILL GET INTO SOME FAKE HEAVEN THATS EVEN BEYTER THAN THE KIDHOOD I WAS ROBBED OF WHEN MY DAD DECIDED TO RAPE ME).

So if you really care AT LEAST know this.

It is a venn diagram.

Just like adult assault, right?

Some of it is 'passion driven' or whatever the fuck you want to call it. But MOST assault isnt about attraction.

Most people dont want to tryly hurt what they love. Im sorry if you think otherwise.

People who hurt others (regardless of age) usually aren't hurting them becasue they "love them so much". Trust me i spent years wishing that it was just because my dad loved me a little too much in the wrong way.

But it wasn't.

He hurt me because he was insecure, impatient. Because i was a vulnerable and weak six year old with no one else to trust and no where else to go. He wasn't a pedophile. He was just a guy who had a real hard time seeing others as humans. Maybe because of Pearl Harbor. Maybe because he was a ginger scorpio idfc. He felt fucked and so he decided to.take it out on tbe weakest person he could. HE MADE THE ACTIVE DECISION. Because he is a shit person. And thats the thing yall dont act like its a decision. (You are thr ones romanticizing it, as if i seduced him or he gradually decided he "needed to have me"-no. He woke up one day and DECIDED AS AN ADULT TO HURT HIS SIX YESR OLD KID.)

If you're so scared people are just avoiding fucking up kids by not thinkinv about it too much i have QUESTIONS FOR YOU actually. To hurt someone isnt.tje default, no matter what you feel about somone

You have to actively decide to hurt someone and go through with it. Dont listen to your ocd.

Funny enough thats where your eroticization argument comes from. A non-map person decided to fuck a kid, so they gotta get it up enough, so they think about that that kid in particular over and over so they can stomach it. Because they couldn't otherwise.

If you read any psych essays about sex you would know that.

So he did that i guess. How do i guess? How do i guess he wasn't a pedo?

Because he hated me. Because he barely ever paid me any mind. Because i wished he would just look at me, see me as a person, for years. Because kids stjll need thejr dads.

He once said he was amazed how me and.all my five other siblings had different personalities.

Because he put a fucking sheet over my head while he did it over and over so.he.wouldnt have to look at me.

I was just a weak.easy target to him. Nothing more at all. He never loved me, never even cared about me as a person.

So anyway ebough about that shit.

I was introduced to sex at six years old. It was scary and hurt and kind of felt good, something you do with family.

And thats still the biggest impression sex has on my mind.

I dont want it like that irl because ive had it irl and it fucekd me up beyond comprehension. And i dont want to get hurt a d i dont want anyone fucking esle to get hurt like.that ever.

But it is to this day one of the only things i can "enjoy." Becaus eas long as im the victim im not hurting anyone right? It is safe and it is.good and it is wajt ive always known!!!! It is the only thing that feels safe, imagining it like that. If somoene actually did love me then.

Amd every fucking one of mytherapists has blinked at me and said, "this is a fantasy you're talking about, right?"

And i, scared for my life and believing i should kms, say, "yes,"

And they've each said "so why are you so upset? It's just a fantasy. Most people have tabboo fantasies, and this one even makes sense for you."

We know what's healthy because its whatever djdnt hurt us. So maybe just step off and worry about yourselves. We aren't "normalizing" anything. "Slippery slope" is a thinking fallacy (hum comm 101) and fantasies have been fucking normal since day one (hum psy 101), and the people reading fucjing anime fics aren't the ones hurting kids (ethics 101, hum psy 101).

You can be a little uncomfortable. Being squicked wont kill you. Just block and move the fuck along.

It's not for you. Move along. And stop fucking coming.at the people you say you want to protect. It looks fucking cheap.

Also also also people dont owe you an explanation of their trauma or to have had/remember/feel definded by it. people can be into anything amd gues what, jts none of your buisness. Why are antis such pervs? jesus fuckinv christ.

#proship #antiship #pro fiction #ship discourse #abuse cw #anticensorship #pr0ship #anti #anti anti #antis get therapy challenge #(not as hard as you think)#get well soon #tw csa mention

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petewentzisblack1312 · 3 years

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Since I saw you were sharing your thoughts on various FOB songs, may you please possibly share your analysis of "Heaven's Gate", if you haven't already?

of course friend! especially since you asked so nicely :)

so if you dont know my favourite lens through which to view mania is not only that of a manic episode but through love letters written to mania. i think they can also be interpretted as love songs (albeit not ones depicting healthy romances, more like an obsession) but i like to view them in such a way that both readings can shine through.

in the first verse, the persona explains how one brush with the muse leaves them dazed because of their obsession. if they hadnt run themself i to the ground, theyd keep going, and they want to keep acting like this is healthy, but theyre so obsessed that they might destroy them both. i think its noteworthy that the first line (one look from you and im on that faded love/out of my body and flying above) is remniscent of a dissociative episode.

the prechorus then points to mistakes being made, over and over, with the persona never changing or learning (go out in the world to start over again and again/as many times as you can). theyve fucked up so many times in the name of chasing and obsessing over their muse that they want to know of they can trust their promises that everything will turn out fine (if in the end i dont make it on the list/would you sneak me a wrist band?/would you give me a boost over heavens gate?/im gonna need a boost/cuz everything else is a substitute for your love). they go on to point out theyre sacrificing a lot for the sake of what the muse wants, so they really need them to help (ive got dreams of my own/but i want to make yours come true/so please come through) with the bridge pointing out that the relationship between them is more of an addiction.

if we interpret the muse as being a lover, this is a case in which the persona is so deeply obsessed with doing whatever it takes for the one that they love, and finding out that they wouldnt do the same for them. if we interpret the muse as being mania, then the persona keeps chasing their mania, following the high because it feels good for whatever reason, and realising how unsustainable and unhealthy it is, and that when the dust settles, things will not be okay.

i think its a really fascinating song from those perspectives.

consider buying me a ko-fi?

#dils declares #dils dissects #its also very fun to sing #and feels nice to have someone sing it to you.#heavens gate #mania

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thenextchapterbegins · 3 years

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Times change

Shaking and crashing filled the space as tomura stood up fully. Alarms began to sound and distant explosions filled the area. "I was wondering when you let it drop, let my suspcions come true." Tomura spoke coldly plainly as the eyes widend of the doctor. "You...!" He begins to say as tomura walks forward the ground beginning to crack and splinter.

"It was a good plan, one of the best. Im sure the old man had it planned from the start...even without my interference but of course he did. A decaying old man living off machines and a mask of metal...a life bent on control and his own will would never give it willingly up. But sadly, you didnt account for one thing. Your pawn to become a player." Another explosion closer as the building shaked with power and destruction as another blast erupts one of the sides of the lab as light erupts in.

Ujiko turned towards the light and then tomura. "All of it...was an act? The childhood rage?!? The agnsty and pretenious behavior?!?? All of it a facade to eventually betray the master...the boss. You would throw away unlimited power and for what....and this force?!? you couldnt have moblized against this place so quickly who are you working with." The doctors eyes narrowed as tomura chuckled.

Outside standing atop large rooftops looking back as trebuchets massive in size and scale reel back and unleash another volley of firey boulders as armies both reserves of the newly paranormal liberation front but ghostly and shadowy soliders charging into openings and breaches as standing atop cordinatting the assualt was the form of izuku midoriya. Clad in shadowy dark leathers blades and knives his stealth outfit. His vigilante costume, his assassin persona. "Focus shock troops on those high end nomus bring them down!" His eyes flash with red. "I want archers providing support and covery" His eyes flash blue. "Calvary and infantry focus on low end nomus." They flash again with a yellowish color. "Generals deal with any nomu that seems higher...general level your level." his eyes flash a multitude of colors. "Trebuchets keep pelting that lab i want more holes in it! I want it to ruin and dust by the time we are done!" Izuku shouts commands through his quirk.

"Lets just say me and the little emperor have a partial alliance. both of us want to see this cycle brought to an end...and that ends with you and afo...copy or not. Once the main source of his quirk is dead...i will gather a force, an alliance of the strongest villains and strongest HEROES IF I HAVE TO. IF HE BREAKS FREE I WILL BRING AN HORDE THAT WOULD SHAKE THIS EARTH TO ITS CORE! I WILL BE THE ONE TO FINALLY KILL ALL FOR ONE!"

Ujiko eyes focus to beads of pure hate. "THIS WAS NOT YOUR DESTINY! BUT IF THAT IS YOUR WISH THEN YOU WILL DIE A FAILURE KILL HIM! KILL HIM NOW!" The high end nomus in the room turn their heads to tomura as they charge forth various quirks acitvating and spiraling towards him.

Tomura face breaks into a bright smile as more of the ground cracks and begins to decay faster and faster and faster. "Times change I REJECT THE NAME TOMURA SHIGARAKI! I AM TENKO SHIMURA!!!!" He screams and then an eruption. A splintering like ice shattering as an huge part of the massive complex erupts out sending debries and destruction across the district. A tsunami worth of destruction extremely localized in one spot. Like the very heavens struck the spot all at once. "TAKE COVER EVERYONE!!!" Izuku shouts as his eyes flash as various other chatters and comms go off at once.

As the destruction begins to settle there standing in a now crator of his own destruction everything in the area decayed and turnt to nothing but dirt and ash...tom- No. Tenko stands there the area of the lab housing afo was gone, reduced to nothing atomized from existence no more doctor no more high end nomus an era finally laid to rest. The rest of the lab...that which remained still remained to be clear but with what remained it wouldnt last long.

Tenko stood there breathing heavily as he looked up to the clear sky above him and for the first time in a very long time he felt free.

Thousands of miles away across a bridge in a prison of metal. Sat in a tightly bound chair cameras watching his every second sat a very furious, enraged, nuclear with disappointment and rage. AFO.

#Very important lore post for tomura #tenko shimura: Free of chains

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sleepypeaky · 4 years

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weeping willow

michael x bonnie

request: michael gray × bonnie gold with 68 from the big prompt list except let's just pretend in this au that polly and aberama aren't dating so it doesn't make things weird lol

68. “Let’s carve our initials into the tree.”

Warnings: homophobia, some slurs, yearningg

a/n: i love this ship so thank you so much <3im sorry i made it a little darker, i feel like their ship requires a bit of accuracy i dont normally add. also yearning. im gay and so are they. also pretend that teh golds just moved down there for no reason

Michael opened his eyes.

He was lying on the grass with his head in Bonnie’s lap. Bonnie leaned against a willow trunk, his hands twisting through michael’s hair.

This had become their spot. This particular tree had be mangled as a sapling, probably by a farmer who then changed his mind about removing it. Now, at nearly a century old, it grew at an odd angle, which led its leaves to touch all the way to the ground. It was here, beneath the leaves of the weeping willow which curtained them from the outside world, that they fell in love.

3 months earlier

Michael had been assigned to welcome duty. Typical.

A new ally was moving down to birmingham, what michael had been told was it was a skilled marksman and his boxer son. Michael and the son were roughly the saem age, and therefore michael was stuck with the task of showing him around the city.

As the car pulled up, Tommy and Michael stood shoulder to shoulder on the steps. In the next whirlwind of seconds, tommy introduced them all and ushered Aberama inside, leaving Michael and Bonnie to stroll the streets of small heath.

After about 20 minutes of empty touring, Bonnie asked,

“do you have any natural places around here?”

“what? the raining coal dust and brick streets aren’t your slice of heaven?” Michael said sarcastically.

Bonnie chuckled.

Michael led him to the northern outskirts of the city. He explained that when he moved here he had also longed for the nature he was accustomed to. It was a little ways off, but still on the northern hills surrounding the city there were farms and fields and forests. They walked for a while, meandering through the grass. They talked, oddly enough. Something between them allowed this simple communication.

After a bit, bonnie looked off into the corner of the field they were in. A large weeping willow crowned the corner of the field. Michael wondered how he had never noticed such a magnificent tree before.

“Lets go see it.” Bonnie grinned.

Then, as if once more boys, they raced to the tree with the giddiness of someone who finally found a treasure. It seemed that with that short sprint, they were now the closest of friends.

Bonnie climbed up a branch at once. As if he had done so with this tree many a time. Michael, ever afraid of heights, watched him from the ground.

“What d’you say michael?” Bonnie asked as he once more stood on the ground. “Let’s carve our initials into the tree.”

Michael tilted his head, inviting an explanation.

“Well, seeing as we are the only people around here who value the outdoors, i say we mark the tree as ours.”

Michael smiled, “I do believe you are right.”

Bonnie took out a pocketknife, unhinging the blade and approaching the tree. Before long, a ‘B.G’ was carved in surprisingly nice fashion into the grey bark. He handed the knife to Michael, resulting in an ‘M.G’.

They stepped back to observe their handywork.

Of course Michael had heard it, the mutterings followed by harsh spits at the ground. The bodies so badly mutilated they were no longer recognizable. But everyone always knew who they were– that is to say, why they were in such a state.

Michael heard it used as insults to other men, he heard it yelled from fathers to sons in furious disappointment.

Michael heard it from him, and as a permanent tormenter Hughes’ voice echoed in his mind. He felt sick.

fag.

sodomite.

poof.

They all heard it, everyone did. but most could walk by without notice.

Michael tried.

And then Bonnie came, and the fear took a deeper, tighter hold.

Bonnie already knew who he was. He got away as a ‘rumored homosexual’, living in relative safety knowing that anyone who tried anything would get their skull blown off by his father. he knew he was lucky.

Michael denied it all, then all of a sudden he was tasked with showing him around and he fell hard

As the weeks past, they talked, shared their pasts –to an extent– with each other. Normally michael wouldnt do this but there seemed to be a connection that made communicating easy, made it seem ok.

And michael was consumed. It was everything, his dark curly hair, his manor, the way his cheekbones caught the light, the intensity of his gaze. His heart beat red, but the fear and confusion he felt encased it.

He remembered what he had been taught, what was said, what he had been told by that evil man and the society around him.

And then he slowly he grew more silent, reserved. The friendship that sprung up so quickly seemed plugged, like a stream with dwindling water.

Such was the case today as he quietly followed bonnie to the willow.

As usual, Bonnie was in high spirits. He hoped his cheery attitude would raise michaels, he desperately wanted the old michael back.

“Race you!” He called, beginning to dash across the field. He thought perhaps a sudden spark of competition would snap him out of it.

But Michael kept his pace, waving his hand to suggest he would not be racing today.

Bonnie sighed in defeat and allowed michael to catch up.

“Michael” He started as they pushed through the leafy curtain, “What’s the matter?”

Michael looked at bonnie as if surprised,

“What? Nothing’s the matter.”

But this statement fell short as his eyes refused to look up from the shadowed ground. He felt the bubbling wave in his chest rumble. He refused to cry.

Bonnie sighed and crossed his arms, starting in a hushed tone

“Michael i know something has been wrong for a while now, please tell me.”

Perhaps it was the softness of his voice, or the light hand on his arm. But to michael keeping it in seemed no longer to be an option.

He opened his mouth and found a large lump in his throat, he tried to swallow it but found his throat now dry as a bone.

A tremor stared throughout his body, and the tingly sensation of fear coated his skin. His lips quivered

‘bonnie–” he tried and had to clear his throat. his eyes still unblinkingly linked with the earth.

“i-” the tightness of his chest became unbearable. He couldnt breath, and his mind went elsewhere.

“I love you.” He whispered, the tears he promised to hold in fell freely from his eyes, traversing the faint sunspots on his cheeks.

Bonnie watched as michael’s shaking form wept in silence. His own cheeks became wet. He crept his hands up to michael’s face and lifted his chin. He pressed his forehead against his and whispered against michael’s soft sad lips,

“I love you too.”

Michael looked up at the love of his life with bright watery eyes, translucent pearls continued to leak out and roll to the ground. He moved his chin just a fraction to connect his lips with bonnie’s.

perhaps the willow knew, for the wind seemed to subside and pull the curtain of the leaves closed around them.

Now, reclining in the new warmth of spring, that day seemed so long ago.

Michael once again looked up from his place in Bonnie’s lap, he reached up and caressed his cheek. Bonnie leaned into Michael’s touch.

“I love you so much bonnie.” Michael said, gazing in utter adoration at the face above him.

Bonnie shifted his body so he could lie down beside michael and kissed him.

As they lay intertwined, the warm aromatic breeze fluttered through the willow’s branches. A beam of sunlight entered as if through a door, and shone upon the bark of the tree. In the light were two names carved; now encompassed in a heart.

☾ ✧ ☾ ✩ ☾ ✧ ☾ ✩ ☾

☾ ✧ ☾ ✩ ☾

☾ ✧ ☾ ✩

☾ ✧ ☾

☾ ✧

☾

#bonnie gold #bonnie gold imagine #michael gray #michael gray imagine #michael x bonnie #bonnie x michael #bonnie gold x michael gray #michael gray x bonnie gold #gay peaky blinders #peaky blinders imagine #Peaky Blinders #peaky blinders fic #they do be gay doh :')

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alittleyellowdinosaur · 5 years

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Homemade Cinnamon Rolls Recipe

So i made this here post about how satisfying making my own bread is, and, by my 300 followers, 6 notes on a good day, 0 on personal post standards, it went viral. So i thought I’d give you guys the recipe. It’s a mashup of this recipe, my own shit, and an idea from another recipe that i can’t find again to give them credit. Since i only took proportions from the first one i’m calling this my own recipe. I’m also going to go a bit into bread baking tips and tricks just in case this is your first time making bread and you want to get started on that cottagecore life. Now go bake some fine ass cinnamon rolls folks! ( @good-vibes-by-noel this here’s for you!)

Photo sucks but i couldnt get a better one because they didn’t last the night. Whoops! This is what they’ll look like though!

Time: like 2 hours, give or take, but you can do other shit during most of that.

Makes: 12, frankly giant, cinnamon rolls. good luck eating more than 2 at a time, seriously.

Ingredients:

The Rolls:

1 cup warm milk (microwave in a mug for a minute and you are good. Any milk is fine, but i used fat free)

1 tablespoon dry instant yeast (about one and a quarter packets, but one should be fine, you just might need to extend rising times if it’s not working well)

2 tablespoons granulated sugar

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup (1 stick) and 3 tablespoons of melted butter (*** VERY IMPORTANT - melt the 3tbs and the 1/2 cup SEPARATELY or you’ll throw everything off.)

1 large egg

3 cups all-purpose flour (bread flour works too

1 cup brown sugar

2 tablespoons cinnamon (yes the big ones)

The Icing:

1 cup of icing (powdered) sugar (Starting point - I’ll explain later))

1 Tablespoon of milk (Starting point)

1 teaspoon of vanilla

Directions:

I added lots of bread fun facts to help you guys with other bread making endeavors, so it got long and is now under the cut!

Activate the yeast. Warm the milk up for a minute in the microwave, and mix that, the white sugar, and the yeast together. leave to rest for 5-10 minutes. you want it to look like the photo on the bottom, but if it isn’t as good, don’t freak out because you’ll be fine. Mine never look that good tbh, there’s a reason i was so proud. Bread Fun Fact: Less of a fun fact then just some advice, but buy the bulk jars of instant yeast. They keep forever in the fridge (always store yeast in the fridge btw) and are so much cheaper than buying packets. if you intend to make bread a lot, it’s the best way to save money. Plus, most recipes give tablespoon/teaspoon amounts, not packet amounts.

Once it looks all nice and foamy, add in the flour. On top of the flour, add the salt, egg, and 3 tablespoons of butter. You need to keep these as separate from the yeast as you can until you begin mixing - especially the salt, which will outright kill it. Always keep the salt and yeast separate guys!! Bread Fun Fact: Because you are adding eggs, butter, and milk instead of water, this type of bread is called an enriched bread. These breads are softer, fluffier, usually sweeter, and more complicated as they can take longer to rise. Yay! Doughs without these things are called Lean breads and include ciabatta, focaccia, and baguettes i think.

Mix and knead the dough. If you have a stand mixer, use the dough hook (the one that looks like Captain Hook got robbed), and mix it together until the dough forms on medium, then crank it for like 5 minutes on medium-high. If you are making this at 7 in the morning like i was and can’t wake people up, mix it by hand until combined, then knead for 10 ish minutes to build up the gluten strands on a clean table dusted with a bit of flour. The best method I’ve found is to stretch it out with the heel of your hand, roll it up, then rotate and repeat. Over and over and over.... Bread Fun Fact: You can tell you’ve done enough kneading by using the Window Pane Test. If you can stretch the dough far enough that you can see light through it without it breaking, then you’ve got enough gluten. That or go until it doesn’t look like it’s got cellulite anymore and is nice and smooth. The other test is if it bounces back when you poke it a bit. Also, when helping with kneading, for enriched breads use flour, for lean breads use oil!

Now comes the waiting. Grease the bowl you mixed in with some butter, and plop the ball of dough in. Cover with tight plastic to prevent air getting in (and creating a crusty skin that will inhibit rising), and a clean towel, and leave in a patch of sun or a warm place for 1 hour to rise.

Before you go play video games/do work/fuck around, mix together the brown sugar and cinnamon and melt the 1/2 cup of butter. Now go have fun.

When you get back, you should have a big bowl of risen dough. Now punch the sucker. Yes, you heard me, punch it. It’s called knocking it back and is absolutely essential in dough making. Now, pat the dough out into a 12 inch by 18 inch rectangle, approximately. Don’t use a rolling pin because it’ll mess the air up. Put about a quarter of the melted butter over the top, and then however much of the brown sugar - cinnamon mix you feel like (i put enough so that, when patted down a bit, it covered the whole thing evenly.)

Roll the rectangle up along the longer edge. It helps to tack down one side by smearing it a bit onto the table. it just makes it easier to get a tight roll and helps the seam idk. Cut off the edges to get a clean roll, then cut 12 rolls, about an inch each or so. Bread Fun Fact: If you use a sharp knife, you are going to smush your rolls. The better way is to get tooth floss, though i highly advise not a mint one. Push it under the roll where you want the cut, cross over the two ends in your hands, and pull until you’ve sliced off the roll. makes it much neater and not smushy.

Pour the rest of the cinnamon sugar mixture and butter into the bottom of a 13in by 9in pan, be it glass, metal, whatever you have is fine. Mix it together and make sure the sludge of deliciousness covers the whole bottom. Plop each off the rolls in there, in a 3 by 4 set up, cover with plastic and the towel, leave in sun, and go fuck off for a half hour or so. Honestly i never leave it that long because mine always get massive, so for me it’s always more like 15-20 minutes. Really just wait till they balloon up and fill the pan a bunch, but don’t worry if it’s not perfect because they’ll grow again in the oven.

At some point while they are rising, preheat the oven to 350 degrees (Fahrenheit). When you deem them risen enough and the oven is fully heated (YOU REALLY DO WANT TO PREHEAT IT THIS TIME GUYS TRUST ME ON THIS. if you dont you’ll probably burn your bread before it’s cooked), and bake for about 20-30 minutes. i know that’s a big iffy point, but pretty much just keep checking after around 20 minutes until they are colored brown on top and smell like heaven. (i’m going to be really honest with you, I’ve never baked them at 350 degrees, only at 325 like the recipe for the dough said, but that recipe is a liar because it took me a solid 30 minutes or more when it said that it should take 14. The op was eating undercooked bread guys. So do 350, but i can’t honestly tell you the right timing because i’ve only turned it up halfway through before) Bread Fun Fact: Because enriched breads, like this recipe, have more sugar than lean breads do, they can sometimes catch in the oven - or color too quickly and burn, when the inside still needs to cook. if this happens, you can always give them a little tin foil hat wherever it’s catching to prevent more coloring while not hindering cooking!

While it’s baking, mix together the icing. The amounts i gave are a starting point, because the icing is something you feel with your heart. add more sugar or more milk until you think you have enough for all 12 rolls and its the consistency you want. I made mine fairly thick so it wouldnt sink in and make the dough soggy, but i also made a shit ton because my family loves the icing. So go with the flow.

When the cinnamon rolls are done, put the icing on and serve warm! Congrats, you’ve made cinnamon rolls entirely homemade, and you’ve now learned some basic bread making facts!! yay!!!

#baking #bread #cinnamon rolls #cottagecore #i need everyone to know my only qualifications in baking is my hyperfocus being baking shows #and trying a shit ton of recipes out because of it #im not an expert but paul hollywood is and i just gave you what he's told me okay paul wouldnt steer me wrong #and it always turns out good so fuck it #recipes #my recipes

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worrywrite · 4 years

Text

I used to think that hell was fire,

Brimstone, chaos, salt, and chains

Ruining an impossible flesh.

And I used to smirk.

It wouldnt be that bad

As long as I had deserved it

As long as I knew the system was just

As long as the punisher was

Someone else.

I could take a beating,

And maybe I'd cry or moan

But that was just how it was.

I was still alive and I could feel it.

But how does the afterlife feel

If it feels at all?

That was what convinced me that hell

Wouldnt be so bad

If it existed at all

And I convinced myself that it didn't.

But there are worse things than torture

Than punishment by a just system

And irony crushing you to dust.

Perhaps the greatest irony in creation

Is that punishment does not need to be given.

We take it for ourselves.

So perhaps hell, if it even exists,

And I'm ever more convinced it does,

Is just us.

Hell is -knowing- with surety

That we could have done better,

Been more, seen more, known more...

And didn't.

And beyond that, that we never can.

And even further,

That all our wrongs can never be made right.

That each bruise we left, every word we said,

Every mistake we made

Can never be forgiven.

And the worst part...

The worst part of that hell

Is knowing that there are people

That won't experience your misery,

That there is no empathy among victors

Because they can never know

Because they only know the opposite.

And if that hell is real...

Heaven must be heaven.

It must be forgiveness,

But only after we know our failures.

It must be justice

With a good lawyer and fair system.

It must be empathy

For -all- we have experienced...

And it must be earned

Through the sacrifice

Of everything we expected.

Hell is not aflame,

But we will slowly burn there

In our own minds.

And heaven is a fire

That we build to burn away our effigies.

#poem #poetry #slow burn

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whifferdills · 6 years

Text

HERE WE GO, THE LONG WAY AROUND: DW Xmas special 2017 les go

we saw the Hartnell-->Bradley effect as a teaser p early on, but, janky as it is, it really does work. and it's a giant This Ish Gonna Get Meta signpost, which i enjoy

River's Booze Cube in the TARDIS coming back i'm

right that's a straight line from "Deep Breath" to here. 'you're gonna want a drink, dude'

One, here, aside from what we're gonna go over in a later bulletpoint, feels like - more EU inspired, than anything? they feel like Shitty Nervous Baby Asshole Theta, faced with finally having to commit to stepping out into the world. i've never been super into One Doctor Era in terms of like. being really into it, and i do have a variety of EU-based Shitty Nervous Baby Asshole Theta headcanons, so i like this. ymmv

fuck do i love two or more Drs in a room being jerks to/ begrudgingly admiring each other. this shitbird

the guitar being the only dusted thing. gross college-student 'sniffing to see if the hoodie passes the smell test' 12 headcanon confirmed

THE FLOOF MULLET

sorrynotsorry PCap continutes to be weirdly hot throughout this episode

'shitty baby Thete made the first sonic at the academy' headcanon UNCONFIRMED. unless One's jus playing it cool, like, that dumb thing? hah hah never heard of it

god i do not understand this plot at all but it's Moff in full fuck-off mode so. les go

i love League of Gentlemen but have never really enjoyed, like actively liked, Mark Gatiss' contributions to DW. but i like him here a lot. it's a heartfelt, understated performance and kinda anchors the melodrama of the Dr(s). if he coulda poured that out previous a lot of episodes of New Who would be better

"what do you mean, world war one" fuck what a line

right i get why people might be pissed off at One Dr being obviously a dated piece of shit here, but questions of canon aside: DW has been total fuckin shit, like a lot, it's fucked up bad and frequently (and recently) and i'm entirely ok treating this as a meta critique

fuck this building is the same one from Missy's "imagine the Dr" speech. what does she know

i know Moff loves his doubles/copies/etc but did he need put that on Bill cmon that is hinky af

tho seriously i love these two nerds and i need more 12 & Bill in my life

"long story short: i totally pulled" i'm

wouldnt all these Bill n 12 scenes been better if Moff hadn't needed to do the whole pLoT tWiSt ThEy'Re A cOpY thing. i do love Moff. but. why. why this, here now

Gold went fairly old-school Spooky Synths before returning to his Classic Themes later and like. i'm more of a fan of his work now, than i have been before, but i'm okay with him being replaced with someone more inclined to do something other than what we've been hearing since Eccleston.

the fuckin sunglasses. this dweeb

like i do honestly love moff's sort of, short form spec fic, bizarro, 'hold your hat it's about to get wild' style. outside of mainstream SF i do prefer stories that don't explain, that don't world build, that just throw some bullshit at you and expect you to understand the emotional resonance. and i do love this story as a character piece, as a sort of...ambient? intentionally-confusing thing. but i also think it bit off more than it could chew, and it fucked w/ tropes in a way that kind of highlighted why you can't just apply any trope to any character, specifically any minority character, and have it come off how you want

like this episode reminded me what i'll miss abt Moff and what i...won't

Pearl tho fuck i have missed her. and Bill. Big Finish, please, please do me a solid. Bill Potts, tell me what to do

"will you put that buzzing toy away" THIS doof

'the Doctor of War'/'to be fair, they've cut out all the jokes'. i'm. One's face, and how it gets subverted later on

the whole window-size thing

NEW VORTEX SO FRESH N SO CLEAN

fuck tho 12's increasing levels of anger and shame at what they'd been before leads up SO well into the eventual Whittaker

facehuggers what

seriously what the fuck is this plot like i get the plot isn't the point but i do not understand what's happening with Testimony thing like

im drunk so uhhh

~fear makes Drs of us all~

this story would have worked so much better minus the Twist abt the shapeshifting whatevers. Bill's already a space goo, why. why add more things, when the dynamic between 12 n Bill is already so complex

the dr's weaponized self-destruction has always been such a Thing but how offhand 12 is about it, like. fuck dudes. #relatable

RUSTY. all the birds come home to roost

i'll probably come back to this later but DANG the camera and editing and coloring in this are N I C E

"Dunno why Good wins over Evil so i did a Le Both Sides survey" One u r fuckin lyyyyyiiiiiiing don't let Space Reddit lead you astray

oh god this is "Hell Bent" this is Clara on Trap Street this is

"The real world is not a fairy tale" was THE moment i knew Clara was gonna make an appearance

"I don't really know what to do when this isn't an evil plan" both lmao and. i love what this episode is trying to be. not an evil plan, just. circumstance. life. shit happens.

my kink is Dr Who taking responsibility for their shitty short sighted actions

FUCK HE WAS A LETHBRIDGE-STEWART YOUSE WERE RIGHT

please feel free to shake up your headcanons accordingly

the christmas armistice, ok, i teared up. iirc PCap did a spoken word performance of a letter about that, i wonder if there's any direct connection there

"the rug was crap anyway" THIS IDIOT BOY

and dang will i eternally love PCap's physical, specific performance of this role. the absolute exhaustion mixed with fuck-it whimsy and a weird, uncomfortable intimacy, it fffffucks me up

12 pulling their collar up like. this small vulnerable dying boy. my whole heart

Bill repaying the Dr for the photos of her mother - and how, 'zactly, did she come across enough of a Clara to do this like i'm not saying Bill/Clara is canon but

OKAY THEY'VE GOT THEIR MEMORY BACK OF CLARA DELIVERED VIA A KISS OK OK OK

OK THIS IS OK IM OK EVERYTHING IS FINE

Twelvedole is also canon. Whom - the fuck - glass nipples?

please let this boy take a nap

oh it's. the TARDIS is 13's ~First face~. they're not doing this alone, they're doing it with their one true love. 'time to leave the battlefield' yeah

this silly old universe. basic stuff first:

ok yeah that "Heaven Sent" theme is good

mmmmlove the decision to have a lot of the regeneration be JWhit, interspersed with PCap's trademark eyebrows. it pings...something, in my brain, that struggles with gender

the ring no

tiny wee JWhit in 12's outfit so...joyous and fucked up, like they always are. looooove it

they're not gone, they're just someone else now. the cycle begins anew. aw, brilliant

this is such a small, sweet, sad story, which imo is why the basic Moff Bizarro doesn't fit. plot aside, i quite like this one. the fear of death faced and overcome; yourself and your ethos being more important than the shape you take; the importance of kindness, and the possibility - if you try very hard - of a fairy tale. good shit.

laugh hard, run fast, be kind. Doctor, i let you go

#dw spoilers #incoherent yelling

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mamonthemoon · 5 years

Text

So about the 5 of CUPS. I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things. I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone. It is SO great to have a computer again. I am blessed, I am thankful. I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy. Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night. Not like the others. A good thing. She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself. Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen. So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush. I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong. I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people. I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year. I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved. In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here. Ayla is the only reason I love. It is true. I never loved before her. I never loved until I became a mother. And I loved everyone with that love, too. Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN. Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it. It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace. She is everything. She is my teacher. She is SO beautiful. And I cant stand to see her cry without crying. That image is burned in my brain. I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well. I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home. I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection. BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY. I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me. I have been unable to attain a living situation. And it is SO frustrating. I believe things can get better. I believe in me. I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition. I have been working very hard to be strong. I have worked very hard to be sober. Worked to be creative. Worked to be spiritually sound. Worked to have greater understanding. And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc. It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay. I am happy. I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect. I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure. I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently. Im used to it!!!!!! I accept it. My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway. The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard. Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake. I feel awful after I eat. I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again. I hate eating. Yet, Im always hungry now it seems. My weight is 115. Im on track, perfect weight. Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan. Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something. Ill have to check. The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”. It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive. So happy inside. I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla. So forgiveness is there. I needed THEIR love. Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey. No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad. But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani. I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her. She is truly ahead of her time. I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter. Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani. It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money. What I can do, is be there for them in other ways. In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are. It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too. And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically. I have to reiterate that. She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her. I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me. I have struggled with the selfishness of that. I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him. IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing. The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke. I am still struggling. Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down. Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey. Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally. I know this. Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge. Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen. Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect. That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote. I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away. It must make it off the page and into something shareable. I write too much to keep throwing it away. It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it. Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing. it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled. I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up. but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else. I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad. Its really simple when you realize. You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really. I still do it. I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for. I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader... i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.

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