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doctorspencereid · 3 years

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Loving a Ghost

Pairing: Suna Rintarō x reader

Warnings: angst and swearing, that’s about it

Word count: 4.6k

Songs to listen to: moon n sun by juneyear, like real people do by hozier, and mr.loverman by ricky mongomery.

A/N: Let me know if you guys want more this kind of thing? I haven’t written in ages, but Suna brainrot killed me and I’m an angsty mf

Part 2

___________________________________________________________________

Looking back, you should’ve been prepared. Suna Rintarō had been a constant in your life from your first year of Inarizaki. You’d made easy friends with him, finding comfort in his casual, quiet nature. Him finding solace in your easy moods and malleable temper.

If it was rainy and dark, he’d likely be with you in your car; the heat blasted and his phone connected to the blue tooth while one of his many playlists lilted over your car stereo.

Warm summer nights were in your room too, the only light coming from the LED’s against the ceiling, illuminating the room in a wash of whatever color fit the mood Suna was in that day; usually purple. Winters were at his place, when he was too frigid to crawl from under the blankets and he’d just call you to ask if you wanted to provide some company for the withdrawn middle blocker. You’d swallow your excitement and always agree with some laid back voice that didn’t portray the way your nerves were igniting with joy, jumping at any opportunity to spend time with him.

The night that your feelings for him became clear to you was in your second year. The both of you bathed in the dim glow of the purple lights of your bedroom. Some movie droned in the background, only there to provide some noise to filter off the silence. He had slid off your bed and nuzzled on the floor, his too large hoodie swallowing his lanky frame. You lazed across the comforter, on your phone and occasionally peering at the boy you’d come to call a good friend. As if sensing your eyes on him, he craned his neck back to peer at you, curiosity bubbling in those amber eyes, his eyebrows perked in a silent question.

Maybe it was the way that the lights casted shadows on his sharp features, or the way that his eyes seemed to glow, but the way that Suna Rintarō looked at you made the air in your lungs freeze. Your lips parted, silence engulfing the two of you for a brief moment while you basked in the languid fragility that was Suna’s beauty. Had he always been this beautiful? Heartbreakingly beautiful and intoxicating to look at.. oh my god. He broke the moment first, brows dipping quizzically.

“Hm?” Suna hummed, angling his torso to peer at your more clearly, incidentally shifting closer. You were immensely grateful for the low light that hid the way your cheeks had surely turned scarlet. A cough cleared your throat and you shrugged, peering down at your blanket, picking at the pattern idly.

“Are you staying the night or heading out? It’s almost eleven.” You spoke casually, hoping that your sudden awareness of Rintarō’s beauty hadn’t impacted your ability to speak too much. He darted his attention to his phone, surprise etched on his traditionally nonplussed features.

“Shit! Already?” He hissed, “Fuck. Can you drive me home?”

His eyes were pleading when they glanced back to you. Your heart hammered at the way they seemed to engulf you, looking at you with necessity. A smile spread at over your lips, “Of course.”

You clambered off the bed, stretching a little while you waited for him to stand and collect his things. A satisfying pop in your back forced you let out a contented sigh, relaxing in your posture you peered at Suna, who had yet to move. He looked at you with the hint of a pout and extended his arms out to you limply. With a snort, you reached out, sliding your palms into his to guide him to his feet. The feel of his hands against yours was something you tried to ignore, but it was impossible.

The drive to his house was short. In truth, Suna didn’t live too far, but walking in the cold night was something he hated doing. And why would he when he knew that all he had to do was ask and you were ready with your keys? You parked the car outside his house, shifting to face him with a signature half smile. “Don’t get caught, alright?” You told him with a short snicker. He rolled his eyes.

“When have I ever been caught?” And with that he was gone.

You pined after Suna in silence for months, nearing the end of your second year before the day came that Suna realized that you liked him. Though whether or not a piece of him had always known was up for debate. You were in the car, pulled over on the curb of some apartment complex that neither of you knew. The only light was a nearby lamppost that did little in the way of actually allowing either of you any visibility. The car was filled with the aroma of fast food. It was late, and Suna had invited you to sleep over. Only, around three a.m. he realized he was hungry and asked you to drive him to go get something. You obliged almost immediately, like he knew you would, and here the two of you were. Suna, indulging in fries that were slathered in such an ungodly amount of sauce that it might as well be a war crime, and you lazily sipping at what was left of your soda. Looking back now, if you tried to remember what exactly he said, you wouldn’t be able to - but whatever it was, it had you choking on your soda with such heavy laughter.

Suna had always found your laugh to be hilarious, but that coupled with your choking fit had him cackling. So much so that he missed his mouth with the fry he was trying to eat and got some of his abomination on his cheek. He reached over to clap his hand on your back, trying to get you to return to normal breathing, all while dying of laughter himself.

“You idiot!” He managed in between chuckles, “If you die, I have no way of getting home.”

Your eyes widened in mock horror at the suggestion, shaking your head while trying to get your laughter under control. You coughed a few times before finally forcing out some gravelly response, “Oh, glad to know my death would be inconvenient for you only because you can’t drive!” You fell back against your seat, slapping a hand against your chest, deep breaths still heaving out of you from your near death experience, “Not like I’m your friend or anything. That hurts, Suna.”

The volleyball player rolled his eyes at you, snorting and shovelling down another fry. “I can drive - but why would I when I have a personal chauffeur?” He jested, nudging your ribcage with his elbow. A scoff flew past your lips as a response, but that was all you said before taking another sip from your straw.

A comfortable silence settled in as Suna ate, his music echoing quietly in the speakers, a soft level. Upon finishing, he set his food down and turned to look at you. He almost seemed expectant. You eyed him from the corner of your vision, realizing he was facing you. Still high off humor, you turned quickly to stare back, chin resting in the palm of your hand. It was only when you turned did you realize how close the two of you were. The now familiar feeling of your heart slamming against your chest returned. Fuck. You could smell the residual wafts of his detergent from this close. Looking at him from this close you could see the sauce he had yet to wipe off from his cheek. Carefully, you reached out with your thumb, swiping the sauce off his cheek gingerly. The feel of his skin beneath your touch burned at your fingers.

Suna’s lips parted in shock, and you could see the surprise in his eyes. The way you looked at him, like he was the world. The warmth radiating off you and the color of your cheeks. Fuck, he could practically hear your heart beating a million miles an hour. Did he like you back? You were fun to be around, and he liked spending time with you. You were always there for him, even when he didn’t ask you to be. He didn’t know. That was the minute Suna knew he had you whipped. Unfortunately for you, Suna was not good with emotional moments and instead of simply backing away, chose that moment to burp - right in your face.

You threw yourself back, face scrunched in disgust as you swatted at him. “Ughhh! You are so fucking gross, Suna!” You whined, covering your face with your hands as if to erase the moment from your memory. Suna chuckled half heartedly, sinking back into his seat. A hesitant tension still lingered even though the moment was broken. He shrugged, resting one arm behind his back.

“Maybe, but you love me anyways.”

Yeah, you did.

______________________________________

The day your prayers were answered was near the start of your third year. The day you began dating Suna Rintarō. You’d decided to become a manager for Inzarizaki at the start of your third year, at the behest of the twins. With Kita gone, they needed someone to rangle the team in - and though you were hardly the one for the job, you figured there was nothing to lose in spending a few extra hours with your friends.

What you didn’t realize was that the twins had ulterior motives. During the time between second and third year, they’d come to realize that a certain someone had grown rather affectionate with their dear middle blocker. And Atsumu being Atsumu, suggested that a little meddling couldn’t hurt. Osamu figured that Suna liked you back, so what was the harm in setting the both of you up? No harm, no foul.

They’d bided their time carefully, peppering their plan into the first three weeks of third year. Both of them taking their turns in stealing your attention from Suna. Though Atsumu figured it would seem less like a joke if Osamu took more of the action. So he did. For weeks, the gray haired boy would flirt idly and chat you up in Suna’s line of sight. They hoped to invoke some reaction from their friend, to no avail. Save for the occasional eyebrow lift or eye roll, Suna didn’t offer much in ways of jealousy.

Until week four.

Suna had asked if you wanted to catch lunch with him that Friday after practice, like you guys often would. Unfortunately, the twins had caught on to this pre-weekend ritual and decided a little intervention was necessary. Osamu had begged you for help with a subject he claimed to be no good at. Being a good friend, you obliged with a smile - and as team manager, you needed to ensure these boys kept their grades up if they were going to be eligible to play. However, the only time Osamu could study just so happened to be that Friday after practice. So you’d declined Suna’s offer regretfully, and rather vaguely if he was being honest.

While he wasn’t owed an explanation, he was certainly curious as to what had come up that led you to cancel. So he watched you during that practice, keeping his precise stare on you in between plays. As manager, you were distracted by the game and didn’t have a chance to spare him a glance. Huh. It wasn’t until after practice however that everything clicked together. Instead of approaching him like you usually did, you sauntered over to Osamu with a sheepish smile. The way it softly turned up the corner of your lips made his stomach churn. Something in him burned. Like angry vomit or something.

He watched as you linked arms with ‘Samu, ‘Tsumu laughing on the other side of you. This was ridiculous. You were all friends. You always laughed with them. This wasn’t weird to see. So then why did it hurt so fucking much? He was so used to you doting on him. Even in a room full of people, he was still the center of your universe, Even in a group of friends, you were always making sure that he knew he was seen. But here you were, avoiding his eyes and walking out the gym doors with the miya twins in tow. Your arms linked with one of his best fucking friends. Why the fuck did it hurt?

He couldn’t sleep. Suna stared at his ceiling and imagined shapes in the texture. It was past midnight and he knew that you weren’t with Osamu anymore. But calling you felt difficult. What if you were asleep? Or maybe you were still hanging out with the twins. Fuck that. Suna reached for his phone, finding your contact at the top of his list and calling immediately. He waited for your answer, but it never came. Voicemail. You didn’t call back. And he didn’t sleep.

At nearly noon he was awoken from the lightest of sleeps by a call. Your call. If he was less upset then he might’ve been embarrassed by how quickly he answered your call.

“Hey,” he said quickly, sounding breathless. He was. This time his heart was hurting and he felt like he couldn’t breathe, like the air in his lungs was ripped out. Fuck. Was this how you felt all the time? It sucked ass.

“Hey, Suna - sorry I didn’t answer last night. Osamu left late last night and I kind of crashed immediately.” You explained, and he could practically hear your smile. It twisted his heart. “Was there something you needed?”

You, he thought, I needed you.

“ I uh,” he stammered, “Can we hang out today? If you’re not busy?” Don’t be busy.

“Yeah of course! I’ll pick you up?”

“Sure.” He agreed quickly, and immediately ended the call. A fresh wave of oxygen supplied his lungs - but it was temporary relief. He needed more air. He would get it. As soon as you came by.

If you were being honest, you were surprised at how haphazard Suna looked when he slumped into your car. He was lazy sure, and generally disheveled - but Suna looked so exhausted it almost broke your heart. The way he looked like a sharp wind would snap him made you want to wrap him in the flannel you wore; it was his flannel, but it’d been in your possession for so long that it hardly fell under his ownership anymore. Suna was quiet when he got in, not saying anything until you started driving. He didn’t even play his music.

Huh. Okay? Did I do something wrong?

You let the silence hang there for a minute before deciding to say something.The uncomfortable tension hanging between the both of you was not something that was common between you and Suna, the faster you could alleviate it - the better.

“Suna-”

“I like you.”

You slammed on the breaks, and Suna jolted forward with a wince. With an apologetic mutter, you pulled over, parking the car. Quiet had settled again, only now the tension had doubled. Shifting in your seat to face him, you found that he was already staring at you.

“I like you and I know you like me too.” Suna said again, his stare even and cool despite the slight waver to his words. A blush rose to your cheeks. How could he possibly know that??

“I- What do you mean? Are you serious?” You asked, brows furrowed in concentration. Suddenly, you peered up at him, eyes pleading with him in a silent display. “Please don’t joke with me.”

“I’m serious.”

It was like breathing air for the first time in your life, feeling the rush of oxygen was enough to make you dizzy. Euphoric even. A hazy smile clambered over your lips and you probably looked like a goof but holy shit. Suna noticed your grin and matched it with a smirk.

“Good.”

______________

The first three months with Suna were absolute bliss. The twins had celebrated their successful attempt at getting the two of you together. And despite their explanation that Osamu flirting was only a ploy catalyze the relationship, Suna still eyed Osamu warily anytime he neared you.

In the first three months, Suna seemed energized. Invigorated. He sparked with some unseen electricity that left you captivated by him; or more so than you had been. You were enthralled by the energy he seemed to have, though it was a subtle change, it was noticeable to you. His eyes were lit with a soft light that had you surrendering to the smallest of glances. In truth, not much had changed between the two of you, only now the two of you were willfully affectionate with one another. You were still best friends, but now you were best friends that went on dates and made out in your parked car. He would lend you hoodies and alternate jerseys to wear to his games, and when you wore them on the bench he seemed to play that much better.

In the first three months, Suna was more attentive than he had ever been. Pliable under your touch, soft to the gentle coo of “Rin”. He swore he felt a rush like no other when you called him Rin. If he’d known he could get serotonin this easily, he would’ve begged you to call him that years ago.

For three months, you had his attention and energy. You had his affection and effort. For three months, you were soaring in the clouds with Suna Rintarō.

And then the fourth month came.

As long as you’d known him, Suna had always been relatively low energy. It was why he’d gravitated towards you, you’d been a refuge for when he was exhausted. You were like a battery, always there with enough energy for the both of you. Except, he hadn’t realized that he’d been draining your battery. In the first three months of your relationship, Suna had been invigorated with a type of energy he’d never expressed before. While it wasn’t a colossal change, it was something you’d noticed. You’d gotten drunk off his affection. Addicted to the soft touches and gentle smiles. The way he’d reach for your hand first. So maybe that was why you noticed when it stopped.

Nothing had changed between the two of you, or at least nothing that you were aware of. But slowly, he stopped reaching over to tangle your fingers together. He stopped calling you. Not that you’d minded much. Your boyfriend was busy, so were you! But you still made time for him.

You always had.

Maybe you just needed to put in some more initiative, it was what you had always done in your friendship. You’d always poured more of yourself in, coming to Suna’s beck and call for a chance to spend time with him. So you texted him more. And he’d respond sometimes.

When you called, he would answer on occasion. At least you still had your midnight escapades. Suna in your car, his nickname on your lips, and soft secrets exchanged under the light of the moon. The soft warmth of your heater enveloping your moments with a cozy haze.

But the months went on and those midnight escapades were few and far between. You’d stay up late, hoping he would call you to hang out. He was too busy for you during the days, spending more time with the team than he did with you. If you asked him to grab lunch together, he would smile apologetically and press a chaste kiss to your forehead before explaining he was having lunch with the twins at a new spot. He wouldn’t invite you, and you didn’t invite yourself. So your only chance was under the blanket of stars.

He rarely called. And when he did, you jumped at the phone. You were always on call. Always ready for him. You would stay awake all night with the way your heart panged and yearned for air, and his ringtone provided you with that relief. For a few hours every few weeks, you’d have your Rin again. Where he would nestle himself in your arms and press his lips to your temple. He’d call you love and show you a playlist he’d made, ask you your thoughts. For those few hours on those few nights, you were content. You’d get your fix before the next withdrawal started.

During practices he hardly acknowledged you, even though you were the manager. He’d return a smile or two with a lazy tilt of his lips, but hardly anything else. Even the rides you gave him home were silent, him lazing his head on the window and giving you hums as a response to any conversation you attempted.

You were used to Suna being quiet and unresponsive, but even as friends he had given you more. But it seemed as though he simply didn’t care.

Suna Rintarō had always been a constant in your life. Until he wasn’t. He was sparse now, despite claiming his affection for you and calling you his girlfriend, he was largely absent. Finding that he hardly had any motivation to reach out to you. Why would he when he knew you would always be there to pick up the slack? He had no need to reach out for you when you were only an inch away. All he had to do was mutter a soft ‘babe’ and you were there. You were consistent. He’d never considered that could change. You’d always come whenever he’d call.

At school you were exhausted, late nights and hard work as a third year and a manager for a powerhouse volleyball team kept you busy. You’d been making less of an effort to contact Suna, finding that your time was being spent elsewhere. Parts of you prickled at the thought of contacting him. If he wanted to talk to you, then he could reach out. You didn’t have anything left in you to try. You were glued to your clipboard during practices, writing down notes and and marking habits throughout the plays. Your eyes only flashed to Suna when necessary. When he did catch your eye, you felt it like a stab at your chest; a gash torn through your heart. He didn’t even notice you looking now, when he used to feel your eyes on him so easily. He didn’t spare you a thought now.

You handed Atsumu a water bottle during break, but instead of his usual grin, his face contorted into one of concern. His brown eyes narrowing quizzically. “Y/N, Have ya been sleeping at all?”

You smiled shakily, shrugging and offering Osamu a towel as he approached the conversation. “I try to, but it’s a bit difficult. I’ve got a lot going on, y’know?”

Osamu glanced at Atsumu slyly, arching a brow at you. “Oh yeah?” He inquired, head cocked sideways. “What does Suna think of all this?”

They could see the way you tensed, the way your eyes flashed with a pang of sadness. Emptiness. “Rin’s been busy,” you murmured simply, offering a shrug you’d hoped might ease the edge off your explanation.

“Well yeah, we all are, but he can’t see what goin’ on with ya?” Atsumu tried again, crossing his arms against his chest.

“It’s nothing, Atsumu. Like you said, we’re all busy - it’s nothing.” You tried to reassure, but it sounded more like you were convincing yourself. Maybe it was the exhaustion, or the sudden tight feeling in the air from the conversation at hand, but you hadn’t noticed your boyfriend’s approaching presence.

He walked up alongside Osamu, a halfway gone water bottle in his hands. “What’s nothing?” Suna inquired, looking between the twins. You didn’t speak, instead you stood there, waiting for some sort of acknowledgement from him. The last time you’d spoken had been fleetingly in the hallways. He only spared you an upturned corner of his lip.

“Don’t worry about it, Rin, it’s really not important.” Your words were quick, a rush to get them out before one of the twins could say anything. You forced a sweet smile, glancing down at your clipboard, “Break is almost over.” Those were your departing words, swiveling on your heel and starting off back towards the coach.

Suna turned a curious glance to the twins, silently asking his question again. Osamu pressed his lips together tightly, very clearly conflicted. Atsumu was anything but. “She’s fading, Suna. Yer girl’s exhausted. How can you not tell?”

Suna’s amber eyes flashed to you, but you weren’t looking at him. He couldn’t see your face. “If it was that serious, she would tell me.” He said simply, shrugging a bit and taking a sip of his water. She would. Right.

“How can she tell ya if yer too busy for her?” Atsumu retorted, maybe a little too harshly. Confusion etched the delicately sharp planes of Suna’s face.

“Too busy?” He peered again over his shoulder, half hoping you would look at him. You didn’t. “Is that what told you?”

Osamu finally spoke, looking between his twin and the middle blocker, “Look - how is it that you’re in a relationship and you don’t even notice when yer girl’s falling apart?”

Suna’s jaw tightened at Osamu’s interference, he’d never been fond of the gray haired twin’s input when it came to his relationship. This was no different. “Why don’t you mind your business, alright? If it bugged Y/N, she would tell me.”

_____________________________

Suna settled into your car with an awkward silence.Your hands seemed to grip the wheel so hard your knuckles were white. Fuck, now that he was seeing you up close, he could see the sickly palor coloring your skin. The deep shadows under your eyes. The way you were running on empty was so clear. He hadn’t noticed. Hadn’t taken the time to see the way you were running yourself into the ground. You were hardly a block away from school before he tried to speak.

“Y/N-”

“I think we should break up.”

His breath caught in his throat. He never thought you would say those words to him. Never imagined that you would be the one to put distance between the two of you. “What?” His eyes snapped to you, soaking you in for the first time in months. Truly seeing you. Missing you now that you were slipping. “Why?”

You sighed, and he could hear just how shaky it sounded. “I’m tired of being in a relationship by myself. I’m the only one here. You’re a ghost, Suna.” Suna. Not Rin. Not even Rintarō. Fuck. FUCK. Your voice wavered with emotion, and though he knew he should be looking at you, he couldn’t bring himself to look at you and see your tears. “I can’t keep this up. I have too much to deal with and I can’t keep myself open and waiting for someone whose never going to be there.”

It felt like you were splashing cold water on him. Like he was finally sobering up after being drunk for so long. He hated the feeling. The cold, biting clarity that came from realizing your mistakes a second too late.

“Please don’t do this.” He bit out. Fuck. He felt like he was suffocating and the way his eyes stung gave away every indication that this was too real.

“Suna-”

“I’m Rin. You call me Rin,” The brown haired boy pleaded, turning to you. But you were turning onto his street.

“Suna.” You said finally, parking outside of his house and shifting to face him. “I love you. So fucking much.” Part of him hoped this would give him a chance, something to work with - to fix this. But you didn’t give him the opening he needed. “But it’s exhausting to love someone who can never love you back. Who isn’t there. I can’t keep loving a ghost.”

You unlocked the car door. He got out. You waited until he went inside, but as he turned desperately one last time to look at you, you were looking away.

#suna x reader #haikyuu #suna angst #suna fluff #suna x y/n #suna rintarō #suna #haikyuu suna #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu angst

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