#it’s a test. ppl shouldn’t have a panic attack over that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

headspace-hotel · 3 years

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Last place I lived, there were a ton of proverbs/sayings to the tune of "trip to the doctor will damage you more than the disease": it seemed a given, the abuse & lack of power. The chronic pain community on tumblr's also really good about not taking shit from drs after being mistreated too many times. I think older ppl are treated with less abuse in medical setting, partly b/c Doctors Be Like That & partially b/c older people Take No Shit & are very assertive about what can/can't be done to 'em

I’ve talked a lot (sort of?) on here about the pervasive problems with how doctors treat people, and how harmful that is to autistic people specifically. Mostly because I, specifically, have a horribly debilitating fear of going to the doctor that I feel like I can’t/shouldn’t refer to as “trauma” but that “phobia” doesn’t really describe at all. Like…I’m incredibly good at ignoring/managing anxiety, but medical things are a whole other tier. I straight up can’t go in a doctor’s office without shaking like a chihuahua. I went just to get tested for covid last year and crashed so hard from the adrenaline that I was too exhausted to do anything but lie in bed for like two days.

I especially hate needles, and for a couple years a while back the smell of rubbing alcohol would trigger shooting pain in my arms. It was fucking weird.

The thing thats fucked up is that the fear wasn’t really linked to being actually exposed to the thing, like with a phobia. I have a lot of nightmares about medical stuff when I’m anxious, kind of always have? I developed a lot of super debilitating fears of different when I was a preteen having panic attacks for the first time (fun) and most of them linked in some way to medical things. For a solid year or two of my life I was 100% convinced I had any of a number of serious illnesses, and it only hit me this past year how most of them were things that were 100% treatable. It was never like…cancer or something that could realistically threaten my life. The fear always centered on like…being hospitalized. Because that was The Worst Thing Imaginable, like my ability to imagine bad things just stopped there (and I was a kid who was like. Very, very, very much aware of my own mortality). My brain never got to the concept that “okay but if that happened they would be able to help you and you would be okay” because I couldn’t conceptualize anything coming “after” Medical Treatment.

I feel like it’s linked to a few bad experiences I had as a very young kid, but it wouldn’t have gotten this bad if my experiences with doctors weren’t so generally pervasively bad. I’m autistic. I don’t like unpredictability. I don’t like to be touched by strangers. It gets harder for me to communicate when I’m stressed. For most of my life my experience with doctors was “person in position of authority that feels entitled to access to your body and will do things to your body without explaining them,” and now I’m on levels of neurosis you mortals can’t even imagine.

But there’s the initial damage, right? And then there’s the damage that comes of everyone around you insisting your fears are irrational and there’s something wrong with you. I always hated the label of “phobia” because I was supposed to accept that it was irrational to be afraid of being forced to give unlimited access to my body to a stranger that wouldn’t communicate with me or treat me decently.

Everything I read about how to free myself from the horrible nightmare-scape I was in assumed there was something wrong with me. It took so, so long for me to encounter anything that even considered the idea that maybe there was something wrong with how I was treated, instead of something being wrong with my feelings.

And this is the thing that’s really…traumatic about being autistic. Your boundaries are wrong; people aren’t wrong for violating them. Your behavior is wrong; people aren’t wrong for bullying you. If something traumatizes you that most people can “get over,” it’s not traumatic, it’s something wrong with you.

Long story short, this is how I learned how our understanding of psychological harm is prescriptive, not descriptive.

People who otherwise understand bodily autonomy get really weird about this subject. Because in our culture, doctors are Authority Figures, and they’re trying to help you, so you shouldn’t be assertive in setting the terms for your care, you shouldn’t refuse examinations you’re uncomfortable with, you shouldn’t kick medical professionals to the curb when they can’t or won’t communicate with you in the way you need. You can’t even express frustration without people siding with the doctor, because they have a degree, and that means people can’t be abusive bastards, or something.

It’s not consent if there isn’t a real, informed choice, even if you technically did agree. We understand this about sex. It’s not “Yes” if “No” is not an option. And yet, medical professionals regularly will try to coerce and pressure you into letting them do things to your body, and often completely obscure the fact that a choice is available. “You have to do X,” they will tell me, conveniently leaving out the fact that no the fuck I do not.

“We recommend that you do X, here are the benefits and risks” is acceptable. “Our policy is not to do Y unless you’ve had X” is acceptable. But “you have to do X” is not, because it’s not true, because I can get up and leave at any second, watch me, I’ll do it right now. If you have a problem with that, well, your move. I spent 1.5 years in Krav Maga, I’m faster than you, and I bite.

If you bring this up to people they will be horrified, because there might be risks to refusing something recommended! People that otherwise perfectly understand consent often cannot understand this, and regress into the mindset of a Republican politician when you have this conversation with them. Suddenly, bodily autonomy does not matter, and actually other people should make the choices about your body because you might make the risky choice, and obviously you shouldn’t have the right to do that, even though it’s your body.

Let’s think about this. Let’s be thoughtful. Who will be healthiest in the long run, the person who learns that their feelings and choices matter in a doctor’s office and is able to build up a good relationship with medical professionals, or the person who experiences coercion and disrespect and ends up so psychologically fucked up that they avoid medical professionals even when they’re sick, in pain, and suffering?

My body is for me, you have access to it because you are PROVIDING A SERVICE TO ME. The moment you disregard my choices, you are no longer doing your job.

As far as I am concerned, it’s the same mistake people make with dogs. “No” is viewed as disrespect, just as a growl is viewed as disrespect. But “No” is polite. It’s “Here are my boundaries. You’re free to back off.” Instead of just, you know, biting.

#medical #hospital tw #doctors tw #consent

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xseniaxgorex · 4 years

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im aware of what’s goin on,

& i say fuck the police & government.

& I’ve been speaking my mind about it bc cops are super fuckin corrupted & bc of quarantine they ain’t got shit to do. I’ve been stopped & messed with more this year than ever before, i was put in a cop car??? For the first time this year?? i put my hands up where they can see em & put the keys on the dashboard & i still got rushed & got patted down(AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME) so did Ricky. The other time before that i was havin a panic attack & cops showed up & i was cuffed by someone being trained & the cop she was with was like she shouldn’t get cuffed & uncuffed me bc it was literally making me feel worse. & im not trying to make it about me here. But this is the 2nd time no 3 cop encounter where cops were fucking dicks while i was having a anxiety attack. 2 times out of 3 i was cuffed & 1 of those times i was panicking so bad that i couldn’t even talk & they were forcing & threaten me to speak or they were gonna cuff me & then proceeded to threaten me to take me to the hospital with the cuffs on... & before ambulance got there literally min before they realized if i was still handcuffed they were gonna get shit & the ambulance lady(& she was African American) came & she was an angel she was the best she was the reason why shit got shut down! she told everyone to fuck off & my mom to fuck off & they didn’t want to let Ricky into my house & she made them keep him there & longer even when my mom said she didn’t want him there bc he was keepin me calm. What im trying to say here is cops need to be retrained on how to fuckin handle certain situations. THEY RESORT TO BEIN COLD & BRUTAL. i really think cops should go thru like psychological study & get tested on certain situations. i think cops need to get secretly tested by their superior to see how they handle it.

bc im tired of seeing ppl die & get set up by cops, i know the black community goes thru a lot jus as we mexicans do too. we get shot down too jus for lookin like cholos or get treated like shit bc sum of us don’t speak English & can’t understand. & as fucked up as my mom is to me i would still stand up to any racist mother fucker & speak up for her & mad dog you the whole time bc i hate racist ass ppl.

im jus saying im with the riots the lootin fuck the system. peace doesn’t end violence im sorry to say it but it doesn’t you gotta hit them with the violence back. make them hurt & feel what we’ve felt for years. we need to stand up or they will never fuckin listen. so what if cops got shot & their friends & family are affected & maybe they were nice non racist ppl? maybe. but like i said let them hurt & feel what we felt when they brutally overkilled & shot all these other victims. there was no justice for them & i hope those ppl who shot those cops didn’t get caught. bc they don’t deserve justice or if they do catch them i hope they get off as easily as other cops did. it’s fucked up that ppl can be so racist in 2020, we should be over that shit already. It’s unfair seein the black community get treated unfairly for so long. it’s unfair to see my ppl get treated unfairly for jus trying to get by. we need to speak up. this system needs to change.

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briteboy · 7 years

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LITERALLY SO MANY QUESTIONS AND THIS IS ONLY HALF OF THEM

lmao RIP me (now u know why i take so long to answer)

do you know the game what remains of edith finch? its really fantastic, I just finished the part with lewis, his whole situation with reality reminded me of santi. just wanted to tell you :)

surprisingly no i haven’t ever heard of it! :O but now i’m intrigued, i googled it and i’m reading up on it hehe thank you for telling me, u learn something new every day :~}

Hello femmesim! I'm a new simblr & I see you get a lot of notes on your great story! I guess this probably means you have a lot of followers too. I was wondering if you follow them all back. If not do you check out your followers & how do you decide which ones to follow back? What don't you like. What would make you unfollow them? Oops that was a lot lol!

iiiiiiiii honestly haven’t even looked at my actual followers page in a loooooong time, even on my personal blog i was never good with that lol. i just can’t keep up with everyone and i don’t want to feel obligated to follow everyone back because that would be way too many posts on my dashboard all the time y’know. it sounds mean but...ajksdgdsf i WISH i could follow everyone back but itsjustnotrealistic

tbh i follow people back when they reach out to me, make an effort to engage with me, send me messages, reply, or just frequently interact with my posts because it gets my attention and shows their personality. i don’t mean that as in like...”you can’t be my friend unless you give me notes” (LMFAO NO) i mean it as in like i’m fcking oblivious and it’s too much work for me to go out of my way and check out every single blog that follows me :{ but i love messaging and communicating through replies so even if you’re nervous pleeeease step out of your comfort zone, i promise i’m like a pretty good OK human being and i try to make funny jokes so talking to me isn’t that bad i promise.

as for your other questions...tbh i dunno, i like blogs that interest me. (duh...lmao what kind of answer even is that) i usually go for people that show their personalities in their posts (go figure), like memes (lmfao), have an intriguing aesthetic, HONESTLY IDK...i follow a lot of diverse blogs tbh, not just ones that are similar to mine. i only unfollow ppl if i have no memory of following them and their content doesn’t interest me, if they say/do something that irks or angers me (that’s only happened like twice tho), or if they post like EXCESSIVE nsfw...i didn’t sign up for that lmao

i hope i don’t sound like an asshole for all this but it’s just like...i can’t deny i get a lot of attention on here. and i never expected it so i’m pretty unprepared for it lmao. i try my best tho :{ just reach out to me and we’ll probably be frands ok

so many feelings

I just wanted to say how much I love your blog but to the Anon who said how she looks white if she's Hispanic. Not all hispanics are brown haired and tan. I'm Puerto Rican and I'm blonde and have blue eyes. Hispanics come in different tones and what nots :)

hell0 thank you <3 yeah hispanic people are very diverse, especially with varying nationalities, and especially with puerto ricans. i personally know a lot of puerto ricans who are white passing so it’s really not that uncommon. everyone’s different, and as eir said, white passing POC are still POC!

papa ya - sunny ; thats your song boo lol

OOH i actually like this...i’m boppin my head rn lmao thank u

So basically the last anon is saying hispanics can't be 'white'? I know many 'white' hispanics???

i don’t wanna twist their words, i think they just meant molly looks ethnically white and i understand that, i’m not denying she’s white passing but tbh...idk, if she wasn’t my own sim i’d look at her and kinda know she’s not 100% white y’know. she has features that don’t look european. plus the fact that i’ve posted her speaking spanish before soooo. anyway yeah it’s very possible for a hispanic person to literally have white skin but that doesn’t mean they’re ethnically white

well if she has family from spain it's normal for them to have blonde hair and green eyes, so i mean that could make sense.

she could, who’s to say lol. it’s rly not that deep tho, she’s half white, half puerto rican, das it. but yeaah there is a wide array of genetic possibilities for every race! who’da thunk it

Hey, I'm a new reader, is it possible you could link some earlier parts to your story. You don't have to if it's problem though I know how tumblr be. I love the visuals style of your sims. That's what caught my eye. I also was wondering what editing program would you suggest. I kinda want to test out editing my sims.

heyo i summed up the story here and here and there’s a lot of posts of key events linked in there! thank you though, that’s so kind ;-; <3 wellll the only editing program i use is photoshop cs6 so i’d recommend that haha. you can find it for free pretty easily, but if you’re not into that, there are plenty of other programs you can use. i know a lot of ppl on here use gimp.

hi! I need advice and idk where to get it from but you seem like a really good person who has some wisdom lol! so basically i'm in a big financial situation. I had a good paying job but it made me have anxiety and panic attack because i hated it so much. and i quit my job before i had another job lined up. So my bank account is very close to being completely empty and i have bills and i have to move soon. I NEED ADVICE OR SOMEONE TO TELL ME ITS GOING TO BE OK.

omg first of all i’m so touched that you even came to me with this wtf ;___; ily

second of all it IS going to be ok, you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you hate if it’s really impeding on your mental health that much. it’s not good for you in the long run, even if it pays well. like, at what cost do you want to sell yourself in order to make money? my point is you made a good decision but lacked the foresight, which luckily is something that can be remedied easily. (well...hopefully, but job hunting is never easy :\ ) if you’re still in this situation by the time your bills and everything catch up to you, you can always seek help from family and friends or look into loans...find someone (or multiple people) who will stick by you and support you through this, because this is something way too hard to do alone. (if you don’t have anyone, i’m here for you ;-; ) i honestly don’t have any good advice for finding another job because tbh that’s something i always flounder in, and i’m gonna have to do the same thing by the time i finish up school in the next month AHHHHH

i’m prayin 4 both of us, but you especially <3

Hi!!! sorry i remember seeing an ask about Lou's eyelashes but i cannot find it :((( could you please tell me where can i find it???

hey she just uses the kijiko ones! sometimes if it’s a closeup i use these eyelash brushes tho

hi! sorry, this is a weird question but i thought you could help maybe.... i recently started playing ts4 again, but when i am in cas, there is a weird shine on all cc hairs.... do you have a solution for this? thank you in advance!

hmmmmm i kinda get a weird shiny glitch too but it’s only with certain things, and it’s usually remedied by clicking on the sim’s different outfit categories until it goes away lol. but if it’s on ALL of the hairs...hmm...i’m assuming you’re talking about alpha? because i don’t think clay hairs usually have that problem. check if laptop mode is on, if it is, turn it off!! that’s the only solution i can think of :{

i feel like too many people are reading too deeply into things. either way i love your work and just read the entire thing in a day and i love you so much idek.

i think this was sent when i was getting messages about my dialogue haha. i mean i definitely understand their points in saying it has too many realistic vocal quirks, but tbh that’s what i like about it, and i think that’s part of the reason people connect with it. idk. but thank you so much ily ;__;

hi i just wanted to ask how do you manage your time and how do you post frequently without feeling overworked and overwhelmed ? do you have some sort of schedule, because you seem very organized lol . tysm for answering <3 !

hmmmmm how? um poorly LMAO

no but really...it’s hard. i’m glad i’m so into this story/eager to see all your reactions to it because otherwise the chaos of my life would’ve definitely deterred me from moving along with it a while ago. that’s basically the reason i’m so surprised i even made it this far tbh. i accomplished so much more than i ever thought i would. ;__;

i don’t have an answer for this question because i DO often feel overwhelmed and i have to take a step back and remind myself it’s not the end of the world if i don’t have time to go in game or edit or whatever. i think it’s because i set up this timeline for myself in terms of goals i want to reach with my story throughout the rest of the year and i get frustrated with myself when those plans become delayed because of other obligations. (for example i definitely thought baby wallace would’ve been born by now lmao syke) i was getting burnt out very easily before, which is why i’ve been taking it slower lately (that and i’ve been working a lot more so i don’t have as much free time as i used to :\ ) the good thing about having different characters tho is that when i get burnt out on one thing i can just switch over to another thing at an opportune time (which is what i’ve always done with santi and girooni)

anyway yeah i am kinda organized (in my own weird way) in terms of story planning, controlling the pacing and key events, and that’s definitely the reason i’m able to post so frequently. i used to have multiple free days a week where i could go in game for long amounts of time and get lots of scenes done at once, but at this point in my current schedule i just basically go in game whenever i'm free from the clutches of capitalism (jk we’re never free save us bernie) which means i only have time to do like one thing in game but it seems to be working just as well so far.

.............i’m how i wrote a novel to answer this

im glad i pretty much got it. i can really relate to everything going on. i can see a lot of myself in santi and molly & i get it. the movies make you think you fall in love and everythings fixed like they fill that void in your soul and i mean sure they fill parts of it but you need to do that yourself and not rely on someone else. Your story is real and you can tell your writing from personal experience because theres so much feeling. u think ur fixing urself and u end up more hurt in the end

i’m so glad you can relate ;-; i think that’s one of my proudest accomplishments so far. i mean santi has always been relatable for me because he IS me...or at least partly me, just like all my characters are. but i never thought anyone else would feel the same way, so it means so much to me that people enjoy him as a character because of that.

anyway YES exactly. i hate the “no one’s going to love you if you don’t love yourself” mentality, i think it’s a toxic way of looking at the benefits of genuine self love. the sentiment behind it is true, but it’s a backwards way of looking at it. someone’s else’s love shouldn’t be your motivation, your own love toward yourself should be your motivation. when you look at it in the other way, you do end up getting more hurt in the end.

lol anons back the frick off, that scene is perfect, santi is perfect, sunny is perfect, the stuttering is perfect THIS BLOG IS FREAKIN PERFECT

oMG i appreciate the support, but i don’t blame those people for having issues with my dialogue hahahha. i know it’s kind of different and weird but it just feels right for me when i write it so i go with it. i rly like santi’s stuttering tho so *shrugs* THANK YOU THO ILY <333

hey! I was wondering if you have any tips on making(?) light leaks in photoshop? idk if you've answered this already bc I'm on mobile, buT if u have I'll just check when I get on my computer next !!! Thanks !

ummM I DON’T ACTUALLY because i get all my light leaks off google lmao. i have a folder of all the ones i’ve collected over time lmao

you could probably easily make some with the paintbrush in overlay mode with varying opacities tho? i’ve tried to replicate this a few times actually, but the rest of the time i just use light leaks made by other people lol

Do you enjoy more playing the game or taking the photos/making the story? Do you play challenges?

LATELY i’ve been just enjoying playing the game because i’ve gotten burnt out on story things and just playing is such a nice break from it haha. whenever i have to wait in game for it to be a certain time of day for story purposes, i go play with girooni for a few sim hours to pass the time and it’s fun for me lmao. i’m looking forward to my story winding down so i can get back to doing more gameplay things like i did before but at the same time i’ll always do at least something story related because i like the sense of direction it gives y’know.

i’ve never actually tried any challenges, not even just regular old legacies because i would always either get sick of the sims i was playing with or get too attached to them and not want to go to a new generation lmao. i was never interested in any challenges tbh. i like watching other people do bachelor(ette) challenges tho heheh

WHEN DID SANTI BECOME SUCH A STRONK BOI also you are so sweet we don't deserve you??? You are a blessing I love you thank you for doing this aaaaa ;;; you are an inspiration I hope I can do what you do too! OK BYE HAVE A NICE DAY ❤️❤️❤️

OMG HE’S ALWAYS BEEN SECRETLY STRONK (i’m assuming this is about how he beat ugly stepdad to a pulp lmao) he mostly gets his strength from anger and an adrenaline rush. a BLESSING WHAT!!!!!! YOU’RE SO SWEET ILY ;__; don’t thank me, i’m just doin what i love <3 have a nice day/night/rest of your life ily

But why are ur anons so needy lol isn't that like ur third one angry that u haven't responded

ugh i feel bad because i get it, i do, i understand it hurts when you reach out to someone multiple times and you get ignored, but i don’t do it on purpose and i have explained, many times, the plenty of valid reasons why i can’t respond to 100% of my messages. i’m actually trying to answer all of my message right now with these mass answer posts and it’s REALLY a lot for me to go out of my way and do this. so i’m trying ok. but like i’m only a person ajhsdghjdfjhk i can only give so much attention to this y’know. please be patient

from this moment on we should all proceed to take cautions around ppl named dan.... TAINTED

I KNO RIGHT...dan is such an ugly boring name (no offense to the dans of the world) but like if you’re a dane you’re probably evil or are the human embodiment of cardboard

I can not say it enough. Great story. It's life. And life is beautiful, loving, refreshing and sometimes it can be harsh & scary. You take the good with the bad. I look forward to what comes next. --"Run away, run far away" nony (I have to start thinking of new tag line, because I am diggin Santi and Lou together) :)

HELLO FRIEND i kinda love that you keep coming back ehehe. and i’m glad you’re enjoying it so much ;___; these words are so kind and genuine, thank you so much <3333 OMG i’m glad you like santou as well even though they’re on a slow decline right now. i’m really excited about what i have planned in the future tho

omggggg my theory is the first one on that list you posted!! i'm so happy for that but also sad bc of what's going on with molly and santi and i hope that santi will finally just be happy soon. love you and your sims (except step dad dan) 💕💕

OOH HELLO YES you basically guessed everything that happened up until this point hahaha congratulations <33 santi will be happy...eventually. it’s going to be a long hard road in getting there tho. i hope you’ll all be satisfied in the end

fuck you dan stepdad

#nonsims #saviorhide #anonymous #i took 6 screenshots of groups of questions #and i have 6 more to go #i'm really dead #some of these are so old i'm sorry #like from when molly's evil stepdad was still around #RIP

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thegarden · 7 years

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sometimes i think maybe i just have too little self esteem to ever experience mania? idk maybe i’m wildly confused about what a manic episode looks like but all those tests and shit say that like grandiose behavior is a criteria and like....idk friends i just have all this energy and know i should sleep but still don’t and can’t handle social media or netflix anymore but still keep using them and wanna buy shit but don’t have money and can’t stop moving and have a headache but won’t eat despite having a grand total of chocolate chips, ice water, and cheese to eat today and i keep impulsively texting ppl even tho they are all asleep and won’t answer and then tomorrow i’ll hate myself for being the person who texts at 3am like “are you awake” and idk what else what else oh yeah i know i should take my meds bc i forgot them yesterday (or was it the day before? who knows bc i’m in a “forgets time is passing” sorta feel) and remember when you were in the shower two days ago and you realized this isn’t the person you want to be?? and you thought about how you could actually just say fuck it and become the kind of person who you could actually like being and the kind of girl who deserves all these stupid people you keep falling in love with and the kind of human who has their shit together and doesn’t just let people down over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and i’ve typed this twenty fucking times and still cant get into a pattern of muscle memory where i don’t forget the space between “and” and “over” also i just remembered i had a dream last night and i was swimming and happy and idk i was talking to this guy who was doing a weird “bachelor” type dating game to like figure out which ordinary human girl wasn’t a fake bitch trying to date him only bc he was famous but idk he was nice and i wish the dream hadn’t ended honestly i wish i could live in my dreams even my nightmares where my mom is awful again and doesn’t love me as much as she says she does and i know she actually does care because how else would i have inherited a fucking genetic code for this much goddamn emotion like i feel everything and i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it i hate it why why am i this way why do i feel so goddamn much and why do i have to be this way when nobody wants someone who is this fucked up because they can’t stop feeling nobody wants me nobody really wants me and if someone does then i haven’t met them because everything just always hurts me in the end and i always end up sweating and covered in tears and alone and wondering why i’m not good enough for the people i care about why is it whenever i get to experience enjoyable things it’s always just a lie it’s a fucking lie it’s a one night thing i’m someone else’s fucking experiment and i can’t even be mad bc i let people treat me like this i can’t fucking stand up for myself and have some goddamn boundaries bc maybe if i let them hurt me maybe if i let people do whatever maybe if i let them kiss me and get me drunk and fuck me over i can pretend that it’s their fault for how i feel when it’s really just me it’s me i’m broken why am i so broken i finally set up an appointment with a therapist after failing to call for months and it’s a fucking re-intake so it won’t help and it’s not until next tuesday so i probably will be back to deluding myself that i’m fine by then but i’m not i’m not fine i don’t know if i’ll ever be fine and i don’t know how to be a normal human and i miss my friends even tho i have already texted one of them all goddamn day and seen one last weekend and one the other night (even tho it sucked i hated yesterday night bc i’m a shitty human and a shitty roommate and it would have been better for everyone if i just wasn’t there bc apparently i even suck at basic cohabitation) fuck i’m hyperventilating which makes it hard to type but honestly why can’t i have a fucking panic attack or something or a fucking heart attack why can’t i fucking die my lips are tingling and i don’t know why what is this feeling it feels like silent screams i don’t even know it feels like i just want someone to hug me and let me fall asleep in their arms so i don’t wake up feeling numb and alone like i always do i wake up from dreams and wish i could feel the type of happiness that only seems to be momentary in those few seconds where i convince myself i haven’t completely irredeemably fucked up our friendship bc i feel like i have i feel like i fuck everything up i should just drop out of school or fucking i don’t know walk into a street or just see how long i can lay in bed and do nothing bc if i tried hard enough i don’t think it would matter who tried to intervene if i could just admit that i don’t deserve anything and i don’t deserve anyone or happiness or kisses or wondering or all the what ifs i make up in my mind i don’t deserve to ask you why if it was just trying to get a reaction out of people did you kiss me in a fucking elevator and if you were worried about me why do you think showing up at 9pm and waking me up with fingers through my hair and making me drink with you because let’s be fucking real i don’t know if i’m capable of saying no to you bc i have no self preservation and i’m just so greedy i want whatever i can get even though i know it doesn’t mean anything and i don’t know if those are tears or sweat dripping off my cheeks right now because whatever i’m feeling right now is like a nightmare that wakes you up in a hot sweat it is violent it’s more violent than any blade i ever put against my own skin and i don’t know if i’m just blaming you because it’s convenient bc this is not your fault at all i can’t blame someone for not having as many fucked up fucking emotions about people as i do and i can’t blame you for being gay except when you’re not except when you’re making out with me or with one of my only friends here who isn’t complicated why did you have to pick maddy to be the one you joke about dating why do you have to pick the one person who is mine she’s my person to call she’s the person who said i could call her after i sat on that fucking bench two years ago wishing i had someone to call because i felt awful and i was 2451 fucking miles from home and everything familiar and my world felt like it was crumbling and we had made lunch plans and she told me to talk to dean L bc dean L is like everyone’s yale mom without being too involved why do you kiss her drunkenly and why do i have this ugly feeling of jealousy inside me even though i know she isn’t interested in you even though you act like you’re actually fucking in love with her and whenever i see you guys together i have to hate you so i don’t let all my own ugly feelings explode on her when she didn’t do anything other than be there for me she’s always fucking there when i need someone and she sends people to let me in fucking redlit doors when i’ve cut my own wrists open in the middle of a courtyard because i let my roommate take out their own issues on me and i laid down like a fucking doormat while they did it and you know what

you’re totally right. i know you say it jokingly but i am so fucking weak. i’m so weak. you say that like it’s not true or like you’re just talking about an immune system or idk maybe you are talking completely seriously because sometimes i think my best friend is actually right and that i shouldn’t forgive you for turning my own fucking brain and its inability to be rational and produce serotonin like a normal 3 pound meat slab piloting an even bigger meat slab should because i know i’ve definitely felt less than that moment but wow it’s definitely top three when the gay guy you’re in love with because maybe that was just another violence i could inflict on myself maybe falling in love is just another way i self harm and honestly the most effective way because you’re not the only person i’ve ever felt too much for and it’s left me damaged every time of course that’s assuming i was ever not damaged in the first place lmao what a thought i’m pretty sure i was born broken but back to the point i hate when i realize that he’s right and i can’t even disagree like what kind of friend thinks that threatening to get me expelled or forced into a leave of absence bc of my mental illness is okay what human person with an actual fucking soul looks at someone who can barely keep their guts inside their body who fucking spews emotions at strangers in the street because they hurt so much inside and when they don’t hurt it’s because they’re numb and not in a painless way but in that “not wanting to exist doesn’t sound that horrible like ‘at least your not suicidal’ you think to yourself while knowing deep down it’s actually a horrible awful violent life altering way to feel” something you never really recover from type of numbness and i don’t know how i don’t even have the capacity to hate you for taking the one thing i hate most about myself the one thing i can’t change about myself even though i’m going to spend the rest of my goddamn life trying (and even if i fail it’ll still be the rest of my life lmao) how did you ever think it was okay to say that to me how how how how on earth i know you had good intentions but dammit do you ever actually think before you say shit like that do you think about what it feels like to be going crazy inside your own head while completely aware and unable to stop yourself like you don’t you don’t fucking know what it feels like to be sinking into a pit of self hatred and knowing that you could just take a goddamn pill every day like you’re supposed to and keep a routine and socialize and do meaningful work and it would mostly be okay but for some reason you get halfway there halfway to okay and things fucking explode all over again and it’s square one and it’s not that easy it’s simple but it’s not that easy it’s not easy to have to depend on a pill to keep you from replaying the first time you looked at your mom’s kitchen knives and thinking that you should really be in a different room than them because you’re wondering what it would be like to feel them split the skin on your wrists and your arms and your throat but not your thighs because they hurt just thinking about knives and what is point if no one can see what is the point if nobody fucking notices that you’re in pain i just want someone to acknowledge that i’m hurting this hurts i can’t live my life without it constantly hurting it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and i just wish someone would realize that i wish you would realize and hold me like it’s not an obligation of friendship and kiss me not on the lips and not while we are both drunk but kiss my forehead and stroke my hair and remind me that it’s gonna be okay tomorrow because sometimes that’s too much to imagine and i think the only time i’ve ever felt safe from myself was when you are next to me on a couch and not being weird about me being within 3 inches of you because I can’t read you on a lot of things but I can always tell when someone doesn’t want to touch me or be near or see me or be in a room with me trust me as someone who’s been fat as fuck their entire life I know what that repulsion of I Don’t Want to Touch This Girl Her Existing This Close to Me Makes Me Uncomfortable feels like I can smell it on people I can read it in the way you never reciprocate when you’re sober the way you treat hurting me in small ways like a game and I get it I really do because I spent so much of my life reveling in the little ways I could make someone flinch just by pushing the right button or phrasing something in the right way or pretending to know more about that thing that makes them obviously uncomfortable the things people hate about themselves and I reveled in it I used to be so goddamn expert at manipulation and you think I didn’t realize that you were manipulating me? I always knew and I let you do it even though I kept getting hurt and wasting time wondering about shit wondering if today was the day you would actually take this world and education and the only place I’ve ever been allowed to be myself completely away just because you didn’t know what to do when a girl comes to you with cuts on her wrists bitch you just gotta fucking care just fucking wrap me in a hug and tell me not to do it again and tell me that it’s not stupid when I thought about texting you before instead of cutting or walking into a street without looking or running full speed into a cement wall at midnight because maybe that would help you’re supposed to say that “even if i don’t respond right away you can still text me and say you’re having a shit night and then cry yourself to sleep waiting for a reply that won’t come instead of hurting yourself” you don’t even have to say that though you literally could have just actually touched me i just want someone to touch me i just want to feel like i’m not as disgusting as everything i’ve ever done wrong not as disgusting as i’m supposed to feel in a body this big not as disgusting as every horrible thing i’ve ever said to make someone else hurt

i just want to know...was it to fuck with me? was it to see how i’d react? do you even remember doing it? what do you actually fucking want from me?? because I accepted that you’re gay and not interested and I tried....I tried so hard to just leave it at that but...i can handle you still holding my hand and shit bc that’s your sense of humor. i can handle that you’re gay except when you’re drunk. i can handle that i don’t have a dick so it’s a no go and that i’m not even attractive if you did like girls and i can handle you saying no and letting time pass and letting the part of me that cares too much about you shrink until we can be friends again. that was all fine. what i can’t do is the inconsistency. i can’t do the gaslighting not even with words but with behavior. because one day you’re gay and not interested and the next you’re making out with me bc whatever and apparently you’re bi and not interested in me but interested in what fucking a girl would be like but then the next day you’re telling ppl you’re actually straight and there isn’t much to contradict the point bc first you kissed maddy and then you kissed natalie bc apparently if i even marginally enjoy hanging out with someone who is female it puts a target on them or maybe it’s just anyone i have any single feeling for no matter in what capacity bc i thought arty was cute for like 2 days once and then the next week i find out yall fucked and idk if i’m more annoyed by your shitty taste in bed partners (seriously you’re gonna go from mr. control freak to arty???) or the fact that it wasn’t even enjoyable but anyway i digress back to your supposed straightness bc i guess what i’m trying to say is i’m just sick of guessing here. i’m sick of guessing whether you’re gonna kiss me again or whether you’re actually bi or whether you’re just repressing yourself bc being gay and religious sucks or if this is all just a fucking game to you. i like to think there is always a bit of honesty in what people do while drunk off their asses but sometimes i wonder if that applies to you because it’s honestly hard to tell what is honest about you when you aren’t drunk so fuck that

idk i probably just need to take my meds and i’ll probably regret saying any of this in the morning if i can even bring myself to hit the post button because i think i blame you too much when i’m trying to work out my own problems and honestly you’re not a bad person you’re just you and tbh you’re my friend no matter what because i may be a basket case but i’m loyal if nothing else like you could literally shoot me in the fucking stomach and i’d still be like “yeah we’re friends you need anything bro” but like idk i keep thinking and trying to work my shit out and i know there is a lot of work i need to do on myself but i just keep coming around to one thing after i get through all the stuff that’s completely on me i finally get around to the stuff i can’t answer on my own or blame myself completely for and there is always this one nagging thing left ever since two weeks ago

why did you kiss me in the elevator?

okay maybe two things...because there is the whole why kiss me in an elevator when no one is there to react and we are dangerously close to your room and it’s already been like an hour since either of us drank anything but there is also the question of why did i like it so much

#ignore me #delete later #my posts #i'm posting this here on my personal/side blog bc if i post it on my main then guess who will see #literally the person half of this is about #and i've put him thru enough of my crazy bullshit for a lifetime #but maybe it's time we talked about shit #and maybe it's time i took my fucking meds before going to bed lol #although i really should clean everything bc my roommates parents are coming this weekend i guess #so i need to be better than my current status of failing horribly at being a functioning human #ugh idk tonight was a lot #i'm literally crazy #like i can't even take this at face value bc i felt it but...my feelings are not valid lol #like they are literally irrational mania induced depressed weirdness that has nothing to do with reality beyond gaining a nice setting #so really pls ignore me #recognize that i'm awful and then move on lmao #ugh #tw suicude #tw self harm #tw mental illness #tw me honestly

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