#it's just exposing them to the same old tired racist shit that we already have

[thepunkbug]

Okay, so there’s a lot going on right now to do with Brendon Urie from Panic! At The Disco, and I figured I’d give my take on it.

Before I start, I should say I got most of my information from other people on social media - YouTube, Twitter, Tik Tok, and I read some articles. Because of where I got most of my information, I won’t be able to link anything, so I implore you to do your own research as well. That being said, here’s a brief rundown of what happened, with my opinion at the end.

First and foremost, Brendon has been called out for being racist. There’s a Vine of him mouthing along to the n-word, and while he didn’t outright say it, he did still mouth along to it. Being white, he had no business doing that, and he should’ve censored the word out entirely, but he didn’t. He’s since apologized and been a supporter of BLM, even going onto Twitch when George Floyd was killed, and making a post on his Instagram about how white privilege affects him, all of which can be found on YouTube or Instagram.

Secondly, he was accused of being transphobic. Most of you are probably confused because he is pansexual himself, and he wrote a song about bisexuality, and he can be found decked out in pride flags at concerts. However, there is a video of him at an interview saying the transphobic slur, and since he’s cisgender, he has no right using that word. From what I know, he was explaining his sexuality when someone asked him about it, and he quoted what someone had said to him, which included the transphobic slur. He’s since apologized on Periscope (I’m not sure if there’s a YouTube video of that or not), and as we all know, he’s been a huge advocate for LGBTQ+ rights ever since.

There’s also a video of Brendon joking about raping fans at a concert. You can find this on YouTube, where he says something along the lines of “If I see you after the show, I’m gonna fuck you. I don’t care if you want it - I care more if you don’t!” If the video isn’t edited shorter, you can also hear Dallon Weekes say “And I’m gonna watch,” though no one ever mentions that. This isn’t me trying to get Dallon cancelled. Quite frankly, I don’t like cancel culture and I think people are way too trigger happy to destroy someone’s career. My only reason for interjecting this is if you’re gonna get mad at Brendon for making that joke, then get mad at Dallon for adding onto it, too.

More recently, he’s been accused of sexually assaulting a fan. Someone on Twitter by the name of Kam retold a story of being a minor when he met Brendon, and Brendon was kissing and touching him inappropriately despite knowing he was a minor. There were also other accounts saying similar things happened to them. However, from what I know, the whole Kam thing was actually a Wattpad self-insert fanfiction that someone stole the plot of, and the multiple different accounts were actually one person, and they were lying, so there’s absolutely no evidence of Brendon sexually assaulting a minor or behaving inappropriately in that way whatsoever.

Lots of people also get upset with the Zack Hall thing. Zack Hall was Brendon’s bodyguard for a long time, and Breezy Weekes recently came out and said that Zack Hall basically sexually harassed her the entire time Dallon was in Panic!. Other people came out and said they had similar encounters with Zack Hall, and he’s now fired from Panic!. Similarly, when Kenny Harris was accused of sexually harassing/assaulting minors, he was also fired. People are upset because Brendon is remaining friends with Zack Hall, though I really don’t think that’s any of our business. As far as I see it, they’ve been close friends for years, and it’s hard to just drop that, even if they do something you disagree with. Also, Zack was fired, which is what people wanted. I think it’s dumb to hold Brendon to a friend’s actions, especially when he already fired him and removed him from fans, like everyone was asking him to do.

Also (and I’m not as well informed with this as other topics), there’s an interview somewhere of Ryan Ross being uncomfortable with Brendon’s stage gay. I’m not sure how many times they had that conversation or how often Ryan asked Brendon to not touch him or do the stage gay routine with him, or how many times Brendon disregarded that once they were onstage. Brendon should’ve respected Ryan’s wishes and not touched him the first time he was asked, but again, I don’t know the specifics here, so this is all I can comment on here.

[Edit: I had someone reach out to me in regards to the above information, and I decided to keep everything I originally wrote as context. According to them, there isn’t an interview of Ryan saying he’s uncomfortable with the stage gay, and it was all in fact scripted between the two of them. It sounds like people basically made up Ryan being uncomfortable with the act, in which case, these accusations also appear to be entirely false.] 

As we all know, Brendon struggled with drug and alcohol addiction, which literally impairs judgment and makes you do things you normally wouldn’t do. This includes saying things you shouldn’t (making rape jokes to a supposedly 18+ audience while likely drunk, high, or both) and doing things you shouldn’t (the stage gay routine). I’d also like to point out that a lot of the stuff he said at shows was probably to entertain, particularly the stage gay stuff, and there’s no way in hell you can convince me the audience didn’t eat that shit up. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did those things to get a reaction, and you know he fucking got one, so while I disapprove of him making Ryan uncomfortable, I also understand the audience there, expecting it, probably didn’t help either.

I think that’s everything. As you can see, it’s a lot of stuff, but I don’t think any of it is as bad as people say. Mouthing the n-word once doesn’t make a person racist. Saying a transphobic slur once doesn’t make a person transphobic. He especially isn’t either of these things when you take into account how he’s since apologized and shown incredible support for BLM and the LGBTQ+ community, which I think says a lot about him as a person.

This is going off track a little bit, but I think it’ll make a point. My dad grew up in the seventies, in a time where homophobia was rampant and racism was common. My dad grew up homophobic and racist, and he used homophobic slurs all the time as a teenager and a young adult. To this day, my dad has prejudiced views about race and sexuality, but he’s obviously changed his opinion since then, with education and understanding. He never apologized for the things he said back then, mostly because he isn’t famous and no one has called him out for it.

The point is, if people held my dad responsible for things he said in high school and college, when he was the most ignorant, the most sheltered, the least exposed to other people and cultures, then he’d be labeled racist and homophobic now (which he technically is, simply by virtue of being white and straight, but that’s a conversation for another time). We need to give people room to grow, give them resources to educate themselves and combat their ignorance. Brendon Urie has DONE that, multiple times! He’s never been accused of racism aside from mouthing the n-word in a Vine, which, should I remind you how old Vine is? He’s never been accused of being transphobic aside from that one time he used a slur, when he wasn’t even using his own words.

I’m not trying to excuse what he’s done. Using those slurs, making Ryan uncomfortable [edit: probably not true], joking about rape, none of those things are okay, and that’s pretty damn obvious to everyone, I think. However, it’s also evident he’s changed since then. As far as I know, he’s never used a slur since then. He’s an advocate for BLM and the LGBTQ+ community. He’s struggled with addiction, which isn’t easy for anyone, and he’s been able to grow and become a better person since then. I absolutely agree with holding him accountable for what he said and did, especially the things we don’t agree with. He’s a public figure, and he has to be aware of what he says and how his actions have consequences. That’s just how it works when you’re in the public eye.

Do I think Brendon Urie deserves to be cancelled? Absolutely not. He’s human, and all humans change. I’m not the same person I was ten years ago, and ten years from now, I’ll be someone else entirely. If someone held me responsible for every mistake I ever made and completely disregarded my progress and personal growth, I’d look like a horrible person. Why aren’t we keeping that energy for Brendon? Hold him accountable. Keep him responsible for what he did. And allow him to improve. Allow him to educate himself. Allow him to better himself. Allow him to be fucking human, for fuck’s sake.

So, there’s my take. I’m still a Panic! At The Disco fan, and I’m still a huge fan of Brendon Urie himself. Unless he regresses completely and becomes Kanye West or some shit, I will continue to support him. He’s not even as problematic as some other people’s faves, so I’m not even gonna feel bad for continuing to support him. I’m acknowledging his shortcomings and recognizing his progress, because I understand that this isn’t black and white or two dimensional.

If his actions aren’t exuseable for you, then that’s fine. If you can’t be a fan of him of Panic! anymore, then that’s your decision. For me personally, I think his growth says a lot about his character, and I’m gonna continue to stick it out with him. You don’t have to like him, but quit being so close-minded about the good he’s done in all of this. It makes you look excited to destroy a person’s career, and quite frankly, I’m tired of trigger-happy, cancel culture junkies. Take it elsewhere.

#brendon urie #panic! at the disco #brendon urie allegations #rape tw #drugs tw #addiction tw #alcohol tw #racism tw #transphobia tw #homophobia tw #slurs tw #cancel culture #thepunkbug

[cloveroctobers]

GENEVIEVE ALIU —

IG info/bio: @/genevealiu1 | 19k followers | currently on a journey as a junior doctor living in 🇦🇺🤎 | blm.card.co🖤 | sk💛

26 years of age

Born and raised in Glastonbury, England

Pisces sun? + libra moon?

Mother is Guyanese and works for a non-profit organization

Her father is Nigerian and works in property management

has one older brother who is a Prosthetist and resides in Nigeria with his pregnant fiancée

She can’t wait to be a auntie!!!

And a younger sister who is a medical laboratory technician

To say the least, their parents were happy that their children fell into the medical field. Based on their cultures it was a honor to have their children in these professions

Vieve grew up with a sassy demeanor and her parents have old videos on their camcorders to prove it lol, it never fails that the pair brings out the embarrassing vids during the holidays but vieve genuinely appreciates them 

Although thanksgiving is a RACIST American thing, vieve never misses the opportunity to share what she’s thankful for in life and counts all of it as blessings! But it’s still fuck the pilgrims

Has held a friendsgiving before, loves any moment where she can host gatherings or attend them! either is quite fine. She loves being around people

the only time she likes to look back on the past is to see how she and her family carried themselves then and how the evolved into who they are now, it’s interesting to see

Loves “how it started vs how it’s going” posts and might have participated in a few

Always knew from a young age that she wanted to help people in some way, she was always doing something to help around the house and especially her aging/sickly grandparents

Felt offended that many people around school that she thought were her friends would stab her in the back labeling her as this “fake saint” since she rather spend her time volunteering instead of going to house parties in hs

Don’t get it twisted, she still went to those too & had her fun but definitely felt like it was the same routine and nothing ever felt fulfilling at these functions after awhile

Well known with all the cliques around school but had her own group of friends that fit into many of those cliques but she never felt obligated to stick to one social group. If you were nice and cool with her, she was the same to you, if you weren’t? Depending on her mood, she’d ignore you/say things under her breath or be “fake nice” as a form of being the bigger person

Has a curly hair routine that she consistently follows (after struggling to find the right products to make them flourish) and gets annoyed with if her curls don’t turn out the way she knows they can, it’s always frustrating when things don’t turn out the way you want them to but isn’t afraid to at least try

Three times is the charm! Is one of her mottos

loves bright colors, flowy attire, big hats, brimmed hats, bucket hats, berets, etc...

Has faced racism/prejudices and bullying growing up in public spaces—mostly school/uni & some of those same hatred actions online now that she’s dating seb

Because of that there were times where she felt insecure but deff grew to forgive, heal, and rise above the hate, she knows her worth

Has never been happier in a relationship than she is with seb, he’s her “moody long-haired, soft-hearted bby”

they’re both complete fools for each other and vieve is more vocal about her being in love/finding her soulmate whereas seb doesn’t mind showing it rather than speaking it—even tho he’s on a podcast but we mind our business okay?!

Seb is thinking of moving to Australia with vieve, he’s ready to risk it all for this woman, HIS woman 🤩

canon: gives more than she should/taken advantage of/not reciprocating in relationships... ex) how she dated a guy that she did everything for! especially financially and also struggled to find her worth but once she did? Her aura shined brighter than before— Ik chill out there Rocco

Also believes in loving yourself first to attract what you need in this world and found that in her career and seb. I hope they’re endgame! Since they’re the only couple I rooted for this season? Except for tai & ciaran maybe? They’re probably not endgame but whatever

They still get nervous/shy around each other even tho they’ve been together for months now + are in a long distance relationship which is too cute! I think since they’re in this for the long game they can look back on moments and still feel the way they felt in that moment. You know if you get the chance or have already heard elderly people talk about their relationships and how they get all starry eyed? That’s vieve & seb, that shit gets me right in my feels ew

Vieve’s love language is quality time, it’s what she shows and likes along with acts of service from her partner

Makes the best jollof rice & her fav dish is Metemgee

Trying to be on a plant-based diet only but will have her cheat days on occasion—mostly when she’s drunk and forgets her diet plan lmao that’s me getting double cheeseburgers or anything with dairy drunk af

now living in Australia, she tried to like vegemite but...the it’s a no for her, respectfully ofc! She never wants to disrespect anyone

besides the food, the atmosphere is much nicer since she feels like she’s on a holiday almost everyday and that there’s much more to see and do when she has the time

Loves the beaches and is thinking about surfing lessons

yes she enjoys those doctor shows and can agree that most scenarios are not the same as rl ofc but great question!

Since she’s a junior doctor now, and on her way to graduation! She feels so accomplished and having this chance to complete what she’s wanted her whole life in a different place, makes her super emotional

All those stressful all-nighters will be worth it. She mostly did it on her own but is nothing but humble and Is thankful to those that have helped her along the way, what kind of person would she be if she didn’t mention them?

and when COVID hit, she was one of many already on the frontlines. Her studies became altered but this wouldn’t stop her for her mission on this earth, this was her purpose and she knew we would conquer it all—but definitely has empathy and gets angry with how it’s being handled from time to time

She’s been exposed to it first hand which aboustely worries her parents, seb, her friends, and friends from the villa

Keeps up to date when all medical news, has a whole app dedicated to health

Learning French with some of her free time and is doing well at it

It was only natural for her to become closer to elladine since their men are homies and have a podcast together

They’ve hung out a few times on a double dates before the boat vacation & once just as girls before vieve left to Australia

Vieve is always offering advice but knows that every relationship is different and what works for her and seb won’t work for elladine and Nicky, she loves them together and knows everyone has bumps in the road

feels there’s some sort of tension between her and Harry now? Which she found a little off putting since they were supposed to be friends but she realizes that Harry has a condition but it’s also not an excuse for him to treat her shitty sometimes which he does and feels like it comes out of nowhere most times but he always apologizes yet vieve is slowly getting tired of this unhealthy habits

So they’re talking less these days, which he notices!

She wants Harry to find his happiness too! If he hasn’t found it in mc first that is

has met Tim— he’s a great laugh and seems like a nice guy—they follow each other, talia and jake in person when she was out with seb—they were also super nice and congratulated them on their win, she went up to miles once on a night out—he’s still a arsehole, priya reached out to her via dm about her new boutique that she wanted her to model in someday, Hope was just as stunning in person along with Siobhan, Chelsea & mc s2 were also kind, and a couple of the guys also wished her and seb well

She’s also noticed some of the shit talking coming from Elisa, Allegra, Lucy, and mc s1 (subtle shade from mc, basically about how vieve reacted if mc decided to give Harry a go but that was only brought to her attention thru fans) online but again, vieve peeped it and felt majority of it didn’t require a response. She was too happy in life rn and she had a man and they don’t

Plans to get a komondor, thinks they’re super cute! — seb does not “if you love me, you’ll love our child.” “It’s a bloody mop dog! And I’m a cat dad, you know that!” “Don’t talk about him like that, he’s got feelings just like your cat babies!”

I feel like she’s a matcha & Frappuccino lover, tries to keep her drinks simple and feels guilty when she has to make adjustments but the heart wants what it wants

Mini Countryman owner, she also drives like a “granny” better safe than sorry! She hates fast drivers, there’s absolutely no need for it!

Minimal makeup: eyeshadow, moisturizer, & a nude lip and she’s good to go

Secretly obsessed with among us, second life, and SIMS!!!

Celeb crushes? Heath ledger, Tyler posey, KENDRICK SAMPSON, Jordan fisher, Algee smith, Donald Glover, Mack Wilds, Khleo Thomas, Robert Ri’chard, Tahj Mowry, & Hasan Minhaj

Listens to: DaniLeigh, ABIR, Mary J. Blige, TORI KELLY, Us the duo, 11:11, Jacob Latimore, fifth harmony, joya mooi, & Greentea Peng, etc...

Anthem: The Cheetah Girls — Cinderella

#litg #litg3 #litg s3 #litg genevieve #litg moodboard #litg headcanons #litg headcanon #litg seb #litg Harry #litg mc #litg oc #litg elladine #litg Nicky #idk if I did her justice but my apologies to her and y’all if not lol #litg Tim #litg talia #litg jake #litg priya #litg hope

[buzzdixonwriter]

Don’t Let The Screen Door Hit You On The Way Out

”It’s never the crime, it’s always the cover-up.” Watergate Lesson #1

Y’know, some bastards need to be cancelled.

The liars, the hypocrites, the betrayers of trust public and private.

The “do as I say, not as I do” anusoids.

Dropkick those bozologists right outta here.

The problem is not people who screw up -- people screw up all the time.

It’s not ideas that later prove to be in error or just plain bad -- all of us at one time or another believed something we now know to be wrong.

No, the problem is those who set themselves us as moral exemplars and then betray the very moral example they proclaim.

Ska-rue those dips.

Cast them into the outer void.

Cast in point: The drugging rapist comedian spent their entire professional career stressing high principles and values, openly saying “look at what I did and do likewise” while deriding members of their own community for not obtaining the heights they did.

A good hunk of that time they spent drugging and raping victims, paying them off to keep silent so they could drug and rape more victims.

Look, back in the day Bob Hope was a notorious philanderer but he and his wife had an understanding and Hope never promoted himself as a moral exemplar (quite the opposite!).

So to find out Hope engaged in consensual adultery with the tacit approval of his wife is neither a big shock not does it undermine any message he sought to convey.

On the other hand, the drugging rapist comedian did espouse a message that millions saw as valid, and they held themselves up as an example for their fans to aspire to.

If we learned said comedian was a garden variety philanderer like Bob Hope, their message and example would be somewhat tarnished but not destroyed; consensual sex gets a tsk-tsk and nothing more, especially if the spouse doesn’t object (and said comedian’s spouse damn well knew what was going on yet didn’t think raping victims drugged into unconsciousness was a deal breaker of a marriage ender).

Some people today hope to this disgraced comedian will die soon so their comedy can be enjoyed publicly again.

Why?

Any good from this rapist’s life has already been done in whatever charitable donations and scholarships they provided, whatever inspiration they gave audiences to help them better themselves before learning of their crimes, and stylistic / topical insights gleaned by other comedians.

The rapist’s comedy routines and TV shows -- all family friendly and morally high minded -- now ring hollow and taste sour.  Whatever comedic insights the rapist had to offer have long since been absorbed by those who followed.

Leni Riefenstahl created two monstrous documentaries -- Triumph Of The Will and Olympiad -- that glorified Nazism while at the same time inventing the cinematic language for depicting mass movements and covering sporting events.

Nobody today ever need watch her original films in order to learn those lessons; thousands of film makers and videographers have applied them elsewhere and the technical lessons remain valid even when divorced from their racist origins.

So be it with the rapist comedian.

Let those who learned from their routines reinterpret those lessons in a form that noi longer contains a poison pill.

Case in point: The comic-turned-film maker presented their work -- no matter how funny the material – as a serious examination of modern moral values.

And, dang, the c-t-f certainly fooled a lot of us.

In their defense, the c-t-f always claimed in public to be a really terrible person, but this was all just c-y-a.

Of course those public admissions were all self-depreciating self-mockery, look how thoughtful and complex the c-t-f films were, how they examined modern life, look how they laid bare the contradictions and conundrums of the human condition.

Then it turns out the c-t-f could not keep their own knickers up and wreaked havoc on a dozen or more lives, rendering all their opinions and observations as worth less that a wadded of soiled toilet paper.

Yeah, the rapist comedian’s crime are worse by at least two orders of magnitude, but the c-t-f only misses a charge of incest by the barest of technicalities.

And it doesn’t matter that c-t-f’s spouse at the time is a batshit crazy homewrecker themselves -- c-t-f knew this then and chose them as a spouse and contributed to the chaos being wreaked in that family.

So, no, you can’t pose your films as Important Serious Examinations Of Modern Morals when you’re acting in a way that would get Dr. Freud to say, “That’s some seriously fucked up shit.” 

Open reprobates like John Waters and Russ Meyer never need worry about failing audience expectations; they’re upfront and honest about their perversions and peccadillos (and to be fair to them, they never screwed up the lives of others the way the c-t-f did).

I used to love the c-t-f’s work and eagerly looked forward to each new one.

Not any more.

You can never trust that viewpoint again, and even the earlier, funnier work is now called into question.

Case in point: This one is smaller, more localized, but I have personal knowledge of it and it’s emblemic of a far larger, far more vast problem.

The retired pastor tried to stay busy, volunteering at their local church and nearby nursing homes, and proposing an outreach for runaway abused teen girls.

It came as quite a shock to learn the retired preacher had been caught in a classic honey trap sex sting:  They texted what they thought was a 16 year old girl but turned out to be an adult investigator trolling for sexual predators.

The retired pastor got probation and registered as a sex offender.  There was a big public confession and an apology to their church, a contrite promise of repentance, and a big heaping helping of forgiveness all around.

There but for the grace of God, right…?

The retired pastor wanted to resume the runaway abused teen girl project.

Oh, they would have nothing to do with it directly, of course.

Just be available to advise others as needed…

Well, that waved more red flags than a May Day celebration in Tiananmen Square.  Even assuming the retired pastor was incredibly naïve -- more naïve than any retired pastor has a right to be -- the sheer optics alone would be incredibly bad.

And the chance of somebody finding out and filing a complaint for reasons real or suspected would put the church sponsoring it at terrible risk.

Dude, you screwed up.   That door is shut to you.

Organized religions are imploding right now, and no matter what faith or denomination, the reason is inevitably the same:  Predators of all stripes infiltrate the structure to find victims.

Sexual abuse ranks high, but there’s also financial abuse, emotional abuse, and just plain old abuse of power.  

It’s ultimately the exact same problem as that of the rapist comedian and the comic-turned-film maker:  Hypocrisy.

Religious leaders are as human as anyone else, few are the plaster saints we make them out to be.

And there are those who make mistakes, and those who hide their personal peccadillos from others (word among the BDSM community is that quite a few religious leaders enjoy those reindeer games), but those have the common fucking sense not to videotape themselves (remember, if you make a copy of anything you’re giving the universe tacit permission to share it and if the copy is digital, the sharing is compulsory).

The worst part is that the very victims of these predators are not only quicky to forgive these abuses and let them continue, but viciously turn on those victims that dare speak out against their abuse!

This is the reason organized religion is collapsing:  It’s become a cesspool of sexual predators and con artists.

Church leaders who decry the declining numbers are eager to blame a lack of spiritual discipline, a loss of faith, cultural influence, and of course that ol’ standby, Satan hizzowndamsef.

But when you ask people who left why they left, the answer is almost always they grew tired of being taken advantage of.

Physician, heal thyself. 

The problem we face today is that too many people impose standards on others they are not merely incapable of following themselves (which would be a sad but typically human failure) but are utterly unwilling to even make the attempt.

We need so-called cancel culture.  We need to expose hypocrites, denounce their hypocrisy, and deny them access to new victims.

Don’t feel sorry for the bastards who get caught, get angry over the harm they inflict.

    © Buzz Dixon

#morals #morality #ethics #organized religion #cancel culture

[findingyouagain]

personal rant down below. pls feel free to ignore

apparently asking my mom to stick up for me when my sister starts yelling at me about stupid things like accidentally spilling a drink upstairs, putting a sweatshirt on top of the dresser to block the box lights, her yelling at me over having a fan plugged in & on downstairs is “not something we need to talk about” & “your dad & i are working with av. on her anger” ( um bitch where she’s upstairs all the time & you bitches are downstairs 24/7. what are you having telepathic conversations about her anger issues ??? & yes im at the house all the time so its not like its happening when im not around ) & “you & kar. are out to get avery & get her into trouble & that’s why you keep bringing up old stuff” ( no we keep bringing up old shit bc if i had broken a door in this house i would have to pay to fix it & have all my shit taken away from me ).

also apparently when getting into heated discussions about the severity of covid-19, racism & how making jokes about stereotypes is racist, & other “political” issues ( aka human rights issues ), me pulling out articles & quoting scientific fact is “handling it wrong & attacking them” & my mom literally said she just shuts up & stops listening to me bc she doesnt want to hear it aka she’s not open to having her opinion changed on anything so y’know Fuck all of the kids who might die bc we have to open the schools back up & fuck their family members who might get sick if they bring it home & all the teachers & our schools arent eve requiring kids to wear masks just the teachers. & my other two sisters are going back to uni next month & one of them keeps fucking complaining about having to wear a mask & she fucking cheered the other day bc her school isnt in one of the counties in our state w/ mask requirements so when she has to go to this stupid sorority thing that they could do over fucking zoom next weekend, she’s just gonna be out there exposing herself & others to whatever fucking germs she has & im just so fucking tired.

& even my youngest sister was backing my mom up & was like “its just arguing all sisters dont get along all the time” & im like no av. has been physically & emotionally abusive to me & made me feel like i dont deserve any of the space or air i take up in our shared room the past 7 years & y’all are just mad that kar. & i are sitting here quietly & putting up with it anymore. & then she said “you just have to let it go & move on & like forgive her &  giver her a second chance” like no bitch this is her like 15th chance, im done. im so fucking done. but i cannot move out ?? bc i dont have a car. & i dont have money for a car or an apartment & i have no fucking friends & every person who is ‘supposedly’ my friend from home or school & shit, it’s always me who has to reach out first. always. & im tired of not feeling needed or wanted. but then oh why havent you done the dishes or the towels now im crying upstairs after ls or vacuumed or cooked yet. & when i do those things & ask for help from my sisters it’s well you’re not our parents & you cant tell us what to do.

& its my dads fucking bday & i spent the day making him a cake ( his family’s recipe meaning i had to call his parents who constantly harass me about my weigh t& my clothes & my hair & theyre racists homophobic assholes who i will never come out to but cant fucking cut out of my life yet bc i still live at home w/ my dad & bc their other son is supposed to be helping me get a car & bc they had to cosign my student loans last year & they told me i ha to watch what i eat as the stipulation for them signing & also they fucking guilt trip me anytime i spend more than a couple days not talking to them & explicitly try to make me feel bad that i enjoy the company of my mom’s parents more ) & now im upstairs crying bc i got into it w/ my mom while he & av. went to go pick up the pizza which is the only reason i brought it up.

oh not to mention the text btwn my mom & dad that i accidentally saw where they explicitly said kar & i implied we wanted av. to be put under a 72 hr psych hold as if asking that she be held accountable for her actions & not throw toothbrushes at us & shit is the same thing as that ??

so in case you were wondering no quarantine is not holding up great i fucking wish i could move out already but thats not gonna happen for probably a year & idk what to do i just need my own place so i can have space again & not feel like im constantly in it w/ 4-5 other people.

#*don't reblog #[ umm tags probably need tags on this ] #emotional abuse tw #abuse tw #[ idk if something needs tags pls let me know ] #[ i apprently have to go downstairs now & eat dinner & pretend i wasnt just crying my eyes out 2 mins ago ]

[estradioltone]

Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

[pr-ay-the-gay-away]

Anon who requested I not post your ask but answer you with an emoji, here is your emoji lols 🍆

Oh boy, did I have to sift through that blog.

They’ve posted more in the month of July than they have for every other month of 2019 combined. Their posts in July are pretty much all exclusively about Shonmila PR. They are pushing an ‘industry insider’ angle to expose the PR, but did nothing of the kind back for Shon’s PR with Hailey. Why? Well probably because Shonmila BLEW UP IN THEIR FACE IMMEDIATELY and they had to roll out damage-control.

They’re reinforcing the Ewmila narrative and they support Ew. Wait, didn’t we point out this trend before? And didn’t we smell this trend coming from a mile away, like right at the very beginning of Señorita getting released? In fact, didn’t we just recently theorize that Shon’s team may have struck up a deal to take over the contract with Ew for the remaining 6 months of what we originally assumed to be a 2yr contract between Camila and Ew? This blog’s current brand of ‘exposing Shonmila as PR’ combined with their utter willingness to push the narrative that Ewmila was real is just another red flag for contradictory astro behavior - you can’t do ‘exposing’ posts about how PR photo ops are conducted in relation to Shonmila and then turn a complete blind eye to how it was the same with Ewmila. You ain’t slick.

(Aside: even if this person was 100% legit and I knew them IRL to be totally legit, I would still think they’re an idiot because they publicly support Ew, who we have proven time and time again to be a fraudulent fuckwit of a misogynystic scam artist who is undeserving of anyone’s time and attention let alone their money. Y’all know I have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to Ew and that includes his fans and apologists, which by extension includes Shon’s astros/street teamers who are pushing Ew, and all the astro/street team Camilizers who pushed Ew in the past too)

And the real kicker: this blog is strictly staying out of any speculation on Shon’s sexuality - playing the “it’s none of our business” card. Sorry, it’s more like “none of our business... unless it might be about straight rumors” because they will legitimately entertain anon asks from people claiming that their female friend had sex with Shon - LMFAO I CAN’T 🤣

So in conclusion

This astro blog is trying to do damage control to protect Shon’s professional straight-boy image. They’re not too precious about shitting on literally everyone else to do it, including Camila and EVEN Shon’s male friends (let’s be real, Shon’s male friends are part of his gay posse - his team would love to put across that his friends are shitty straight fuckbois and that’s exactly what they’re trying to put across. Well OOPS Shon’s friends are gay). This blog will seriously shit on everyone except for Ew, which is just... I can’t- I just can’t. But as pointed out before, this all falls in line with management-backed PR narratives that they’ve been trying to push since the beginning of time:

reinforce fake leaked texts problematic Camila-narrative? Check

reinforce Camila vs OT4 fake feud narrative? Check

reinforce Straightmila by reinforcing Ewmila narrative? Check

promote and support Ew? This honestly comes across as such an unnecessary angle but is probably required of them as part of the continued contract with Ew, and by doing so it also lends to the (flimsy AF) Straightmila narrative, so check

reinforce Straight Shon narrative? Check - although they do it through omission. They don’t entertain speculation about his sexuality that is unless it’s ‘hot inside goss from anons who have female friends who say they had wild sex with Shon’ ROFL sure Jan.

Sidenote: This blog is answering a lot of asks, but cross-referencing it against other metrics I would look at for how actively they’re being engaged with by followers, I’d say the number of asks they answer is disproportionate to other forms of follower engagement. Especially how many of those asks are “my dad’s podiatrist’s third cousin was at that hotel/works for Shon’s brand endorsement and they told me this goss” so am I saying that this blog is probably sending themselves asks to answer? Yes. Yes I am.

To a casual reader, this blog is mildly entertaining if you’re looking for slightly petty drama (which some people are attracted to) but honestly why subscribe to that? EL told us to stay away from accounts pushing fandom drama because playing into it is what management wants. And honestly, this is a known tactic:

And I’m not just saying that because of this astro’s angle of trying to protect Shon, prop up Ew, and take potshots at Camila - but also within our own CS fandom spaces, when people try to push comments protecting Camila but taking potshots at Shon, it’s really the same kinda deal. And I have no doubt in my mind that the anons submitting asks to CS blogs going “Shon is <insert insulting derogatory shit> because he’s a racist transphobe” are astros, and it’s the same angle as this astro Shon blog reinforcing the “problematic Camila” fake leaked texts narrative.

No doubt, the person posting to this blog may very well be connected to the industry, but not in any way that benefits those of us who refuse to pay entry to the circus. They’re still pushing narratives, even if they choose to do it by calling out Shonmila as PR. It’s sleight of hand tricks - distract you by calling out the fact that Shonmila is PR (as if we don’t have eyes and brains to know that without having to be told by an ‘industry insider’ FUCKING LOLS) whilst they pull out the same tired old bullshit narratives out of their ass. ‘Exposing’ Camilizer and OT4 blogs used this tactic back in 2016/2017 too. Mix a spoonful of truth (”Yes, Camren WAS real”) in with the rest of the lies (”but they hate each other ever since Camila stabbed the rest of the girls in the back”). A spoonful of sugar helps the bullshit go down.

“STOP doing their game! Management just reaches their goals because you are so manipulatible. They use your immaturity and favouritism "against" you. Do not give Laurenizers, Camilizers, any nizer and fake OT4 stans the attention they've been seeking (DONT try to clap back, just report and block them straight forward)! They don't like 5H, they don't want the group's happiness nor their faves' happiness, they're seeking their own (hint: some of them exist to this only purpose, intentionaly...). They will try to disturb the peace in the fandom, don't give them what they want, please!” - EL, 8 Dec 2016

Don’t pay attention to blogs that haphazardly reinforce fake narratives that we’ve already debunked time and time again. This is honestly their PR’s biggest downfall. They keep on insisting on trying to push the fake narratives of the past, and with the internet making everything just that little bit more permanent to look up (if we’ve documented it) it’s just so much easier to blow their house of cards over each and every time.

CS have seen it all. Moving along now

#astroturfers gonna lay their astroturf #shon astros are pushing ew and ewmila now #what absurd fuckery #imma block that account now #ask #anon

[purplesurveys]

638

What website is it easy to spend too much time on? Reddit. I used to spend hours on end on Reddit back when I had just discovered it and saw how many subreddits I can check out, but I’ve toned down these days. I mostly use scroll through the popular tag to help me fall asleep, but I still spend a lot of time on it nonetheless. What's been bothering you lately? One of my classes is a subject I never really wanted to venture into because it will demand me to be insanely extroverted, but I didn’t have a choice but to take it and now I’m worried for my sanity for the next four months. Do you ever get cravings for cheese? Yeah but I’m not as crazy for cheese as most girls around me seem to be lolol. Cheese is ayts. I mostly like it as a dip for Korean barbecue, and I don’t really like the more challenging/funky cheeses. Do you ever crave affection? Yep, sometimes I act needy towards my girlfriend. Would you name your baby after someone or give him/her his or her own name? Their main name would be their own, but I wouldn’t be opposed to having their second name be a tribute to somebody important to me. For instance, if I have a son I’ve always thought of giving him Owen as a second name as an homage to Owen Hart.

Do you think boys can wear pink and girls can wear blue? It’s 2020. We’re way past pink vs. blue now lmfao. But yes, of course. Which hair curlers have you had the best luck with? I don’t use those. What is the best way to curl your hair? In like the four times I’ve had my hair curled, the stylists always used a flat iron. Don't you hate it when people act like idiots just to make you mad? That’s a different level of assholery, but yep I imagine that would piss me off. If you were thrown into a lion's den, would you trust God to save you? Nope, I’ll be saying goodbye to all my loved ones in my head. Do you wish you could call the police on the police? Not in this country, because most police are abusive and dicks. Do you write in cursive or print more? Print. My penmanship is nicer that way, because my writing usually comes out in messy scribbles when I try to write in script. But I always regularly practice my high school’s unique cursive anyway so that I never forget it/get rusty at it. Were you alive before the Internet came out? No, I think the Internet was already kind of a thing by 1998. Do you like that trends from the 90's are coming back in style? Yeah tbh I’m a fan. I love the simple t-shirt/mom jeans combo because it looks so effortless, and because it’s pieces I already have in my closet lmao. ....or would you rather have the trends stay the same as the last decade? Not really, I’m pretty good with all the 90s stuff coming back. Some kids ruined it by wearing chunky sneakers too much, but I like all the other trends that came with it, like bucket hats and belts. What was a horrible trend when you were in high school? I honestly didn’t know much about the trends when I was in high school because 1) we wore our school uniforms every single day, so imagine having one outfit 5/7 days a week, and 2) being from a Catholic school, we had a very strict dress code so it’s not like we could wear whatever the trends were. I do remember never being impressed with Roshes though. What is a horrible trend now? Hype/street clothes like DBTK. What would you do differently if you were God? Not make people suffer. Have you ever met anyone who claimed to be God? No. If I did, I’d run far far away from them. If you had to leave the US and never come back, where would you move? First of all, I have to live in the US before I can leave the US. Would you buy a castle if you could afford one? Sure, whatever. What is something you aren't ok with? My default answer would be homophobia. Do you know anyone who isn't fake? Sure. I know more not-fake people than those who are. Name five people you know who aren't fake. Laurice, Aya, Tina, Danika, Amanda. Do you fully trust anyone? Yes. How many true Christians do you know? Do you know any? What does being a ‘true’ Christian even mean? Do you think someone's value is based on how much money they have or make? No. Would you rather be an aborted baby or a victim of child abuse? Wow THIS IS THE WORST QUESTION EVER. What's one trend you're behind the times on? Tiktok. I do nooooooot understand it for the life of me and do not wish to. Do idiots act like know-it-alls a lot around you? I think know-it-alls act like know-it-alls regardless of who they’re with. Do you think it's ok to call an idiot an idiot? Not to their face, but yes I’ve used that word occasionally.

If you had a child with down's syndrome, would you keep him/her? I’m honestly not sure, and I don’t really like stressing about that kind of stuff this early. Don't you wish people who weren't qualified would stop getting handed leadership positions? Obviously. But there’s little we can do, with the key word there being ‘handed.’ Who is the worst plagiarizer you know? People in high school would copy-paste whole paragraphs from websites or textbooks onto group papers and I hate those people to this day. If someone tried to murder your child, do you think it would be wrong to expose them publicly and talk about it on social media? It wouldn’t be the best and smartest way to go, especially if it was the first thing I planned on doing. ...Why do you think people think this is wrong? Because I would be putting vulnerable people under limelight they never asked for, and because I’d be talking about confidential stuff, especially if the whole ordeal is currently going through a legal process, which is stupid. Is there a toxic person that you miss? You know, despite how close I was with Athenna, I’ve never missed her. Are you still contemplating going back to someone you shouldn't? Nope. What do you need right now? I’m gonna need a higher inner morale for my business reporting class, which is the class I’m really scared about. When was the last time you had a new crush? December 2013. Do you know any "Christians" who are rude and judgmental? Almost all the Christians I know are rude and judgmental. What would you do if your Bible was falling apart? I dunno. Leave it wherever it’s always been. Do you have coffee with Jesus every morning? Groan. Do you pretend to be someone you're not on facebook? Why or why not? No because I have no reason to do that. Do you know anyone who pretends to be a Christian to get attention? Ooooh interesting haha, but no. I’m sure in this time and place they’d get called out almost immediately. Do you want Jesus to come back soon? I’m gonna paraphrase a quote from Friends and say “I know you’re asking me a lot of Jesus questions, but all I hear is blahhhhhblahhhhhhhhhblahhhhhhhhhh.” Do you believe that Jesus is going to come back in your lifetime? Holy shit. Would you rather wear blue jeans or jeggings? Blue jeans. I’ve never owned jeggings. What is the most comfortable type of pants ever? Anything but skinny jeans. What is something you can't wear because of your body type? I can’t wear dresses that are loose around the chest area. Stuff like those are loose because the boobs are meant to hold them up and give someone a flattering figure, but if I tried to wear those, the dress would drop down all the way to my stomach lmao. If you have curves, do you like them? I have some curves, but I’m generally skinny. I do like the ones I have though. What is the curviest part of your body? Butt. Have you ever been punished for doing the right thing? I don’t think so. How often do you cry? One or two times a week would be a good guess. How many Christians do you know who actually care? This is very vague. Is Tumblr all that it's hyped up to be? But it’s not hyped at all these days... Tumblr definitely already peaked a few years ago, and I don’t know what people are saying about it now. At what age do you think someone is old enough to give advice? I don’t think there’s an age requirement for advice. Have you ever worn matching pajamas with someone? No. What helps you fall asleep? When I’m alone, I need it to be quiet or at the very most have white noise around, like the buzz of an aircon or the whir of the electric fan. When I’m sleeping with my girlfriend I have to be cuddled and I have to fall asleep first, or else I’ll keep waking up and twist and turn through the night. I’m a difficult person to fall asleep with huhuh sorry Gab :’( Do you have a nighttime routine? No. I just scroll through social media until my eyes get tired enough to fall asleep within seconds. What was the last mountain you climbed? Not sure, but it was in Sagada. Who is the fakest Christian you know? One of my titas, although I love her to death, is a very devout Christian but had a meltdown/breakdown when her daughter (my cousin) revealed she was dating a black guy. I was stunned when my mom told me all about the ‘drama’ and it took every cell in my body not to explode and give a sermon to everyone else in my family who was upset about it. Just for context, Filipinos are among the MOST RACIST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET so stuff like this WILL be a big deal, especially among our traditional Gen X/Boomer population. Who are the fakest friends you've had? Athenna and Fern. Who's the most narcissistic person you know? I don’t know anyone like this, fortunately. Maybe me because I like taking these surveys??? Jk :((( Who gives the best hugs? Laurice!!! Who was the last person you hugged? My girlfriend.

#survey #surveys

[theproofinthisong]

oh my god you fools are still at it. unbelievable. can’t believe you’re still arguing about this post in my notes have you got nothing better to do. apparently not. so let’s go again!

@nikabear488 : point to me where exactly did i say shawn needed to come out. where did i say this. right i didn’t. i would never force someone to come out when he’s not ready yet. i’m bisexual and it took me two years to come out. it can take you 6 months, 3 year, a decade or more. i will never judge that. what i’m judging is his label’s decision to prevent him from doing so, not shawn. next time check my posts before coming at me for absolutely no reason. as for the music part i really hope this is a joke because?? your other argument means nothing because it’s the same old, cringey, tiring argument i’ve heard about a thousand times. everytime us lgbt people say a celebrity we like is gay we’re getting these messages “ok but you’re the homophobic one for saying this!!” it’s pathetic and disrespectful as fuck. once again i’m not saying shawn is gay based only on mannerisms and if you read my post you could have known. i’m pretty sure you’re one of these people that think photographing men with flowers in their beards will end sexist culture and defending straight men’s platonic hugs is more important than actually protecting gay, trans and bi men from homophobia and transphobia. i’ve got nothing more to say except you’re the close minded one and if you see someone being discussed as gay as an insult, my dear friend, you are the one with a problem, not me.

@anti-radfem: that url name got that URL NAME. nauseating. you talk as if you’re stuck in tumblr circa 2011 and that’s honestly ridiculous. also i’m too kind for answering you because your words mean absolutely nothing to me, you dumb republican trashbag. go fuck yourself and never come back. i don’t give you the right to even talk to me.

@crystalgem18: you know what? i said before i wasn’t bisexual. not because i wasn’t aware of it or didn’t want to say it. because i knew i couldn’t. i knew i was exposed to homophobic violence and i didn’t want to take the risk. there are countless examples of lgbt people not saying they’re gay when they are. and shawn being closeted by his label is a good reason not to say it. you are all talking about a conspiracy, needing evidence, and that is purely disgusting. antis are pulling the same shit when talking about harry and louis as if it wasn’t fucking obvious they are dating. why do you always need more proof? why? when we give you your precious proofs, y’all suddenly become blind. closeting in the music industry is a thing, as much i don’t want it to be. i would rather live in a world where it doesn’t fucking exist and lgbt people can love and live freely. i would fucking love it. but you’re fucking deluded if you can’t see most of the cultural industries are still deeply homophobic. you dumbasses all talk as if closeting is something we created when it has been, tragically, going on for ages. 

just talking about singers? ricky martin was closeted. olly alexander was told he should hide the fact that he was gay to protect his band (and brand). george shelley from union j? closeted too. i could go on for a decade. closeting is fucking evewhere. in sport, acting, music, all kinds of art. and the common point, everywhere? management does it because money matters more to them than anything else. they want the conventionally attractive men to appeal to the largest female audience. because it makes MONEY. they don’t care about anything else. cash, public image, marketing. the music industry is rotten, extremely racist, sexist and homophobic and half of the managers should be in jail for what they have done to the artists they are in charge of. 

and before you come at me and ask me why shawn would sign with a label that wants to closet him it’s because the people writing these documents are clever. they willingly take advantage of legal loopholes and trick young, impressionable artists into thinking they’re protecting their image or they put a vague line in the middle of thirty other pages knowing exactly what they’re doing. they know the youngs artist don’t have the knowledge in law or music marketing to have the upper hand in this. sure people were already talking about shawn being gay before but as soon as he got signed, it became more important to give him an heterosexual image because he was gaining visibility. and that article, depicting him as crying about the nasty gay rumors? it’s calculated. it is meant to convince the general public that he’s not gay, will never be (how my god how can you even imply it, which is what you hetties sound like) while keeping the progressive card intact (the “it shouldn’t matter” line). all music labels have different strategies. sony wants louis to be seen as homophobic. harry’s label as an ally but nothing more, except a nasty womanizer. mostly, they want them to be represented as straight. just like shawn. and that printed interview? it came out right when the hailey bieber topic was super popular. it’s marketing GOLD. they posted it at the right time. at the time where it would be the most efficient. i wish their nasty techniques wouldn’t work. most of us lgbt people are not fooled by the press because we actually have eyes and brains.hearts. but you are and i fucking hate it. so stop talking about conspiracies, theories and disrespectful shit like that. you’re hurting me and thousand of lgbt fans with those words.

also the fact that you’re the second one to hit me with this reverse homophobia argument is absolutely sickening. i’m a bisexual girl. don’t you think i know about prejudices and the harm they do to people? i’m fucking hurt by everything you said. you don’t have a fucking clue what i went through and you’re assuming you know when you don’t fucking know shit. i wish i could make fun of the fact that you said “what if i’m straight what’s the problem” but i fucking can’t. yes it matters. it matters because lgbt voices matter more than straight voices in this kind of discussion. and if you can’t see why, you’re incredibly tone deaf. i’m not “obsessed” with shawn’s sexuality. i’m not doing anything wrong to him. i’m not harassing him and stalking him following him to his hotel. and who does? the nasty het fanbase that thinks he will sleep with them as soon as he meets them. not me. not us.

and honestly? if the interview was legit and shawn was truly straight and hurt by the rumors? (which i don’t believe at all) i would drop him right on the spot. because when these interviews are published, with denials that EXTRA, it always means something is up. the guy is either homophobic (if he really believes those words) or closeted (the label wants to protect the straight image so bad they’ll wrote anything that will sound the MOST straight and gay repulsed)

the fact that you’re EVEN asking why a label would closet its lgbt artists speak for itself. you’re ignorant as fuck and you are writing me paragraphs to give me a lecture but the truth is you know nothing. i don’t want to start a civil discussion with you. i don’t want your straight opinion on the matter. i don’t fucking want it. take it back and never come to my blog again.

i started writing this post knowing that it would make me mad. y’all make me fucking mad. you should be ashamed of yourselves. 

#my posts

[knightofbalance-13]

http://dudeblade.tumblr.com/post/166151533694/some-of-my-personal-thoughts

Kudos to anyone who can hype themselves up for volume 5, because after how much of a letdown volume 4 was for me, I don’t want to risk myself getting disappointed. It made me get angry at a… certain part in volume 4, and overhyping myself probably isn’t going to be good for my health.

I don’t buy this for a fucking second: All you’ve done is lie and ignore facts just so you can claim to be disappointed and shove your agenda down people’s throats. You want to be disappointed so you can berate the show and as you have shown, you’ll do anything to keep up that narrative.

In all honesty, you should just go to one of the other toxic fandoms like Voltron or Steven Universe: At least the people there know not to take your ass seriously.

Look, these guys have made a name for themselves. As much as people would like to think that Roosterteeth is this massive company, they’re still just an indie company with a (relatively) small amount of people, and not a whole lot of effort going to the right places.

And yet you set up standards that not even big budget shows with large groups of people and massive companies backing them could live up to and when someone calls you out, you throw a hissy fit. Remember when I pointed out that RWBY was doing just as well as shows like Korra and such despite the numerous disadvantages the show has? You threw a hissy fit and lied throughout the whole thing. And yet you think I’ll take this seriously? The way I see it: you’re starting to get it through your fucking skull that your voice is not only a part of a vocal minority that is growing more despised everyday but said voice is being exposed in their bullshit and their credibility is tanking.

Boo fucking hoo.

Red vs. Blue was their first project. They told so much with so little. They didn’t have famous voice actors or fancy fight animations, they just did it in a Halo engine. I explain this because, if it hadn’t been for this, they would never be as big as it is now.

You talk as though RT only got famous off the work of another. Red Vs. Blue succeeded because it was funny and endearing and is still followed and loved to this day due to years of fantastic comedic timing and writing. And if I may point out: The only redeeming factor about RWBY was it’s action scenes in the first Volume. It only survived because of the action scenes which gave them enough time to develop and grow.

Nobody wants to see the same repetitiveness that is coming out of their (relatively) new flagship show. It’s starting to get a bit repetitive. Establishing character moments for characters that have already been established, introducing characters when we already have enough characters who don’t have enough development. How long until even the most dedicated fan gets tired of the same old “Just wait! You’ll get your LGBT+ Representation. Trust us!” and joins the overly critical part of the rwde tag (Which is basically just the crtq tag to be honest (HEY-YO!))?

Never happened. Characters were never reintroduced that way. Seriously, name one instance.

While I might agree with that: The RWDE tag has proven time and time again they don’t know what the concept of a “one off” character is. Characters like CFVY, NDGO, SSN and so on have been cited as characters without development when they were never meant to be developed at all.

And what do you say about fans who have stuck this long? Weiss rose? hawkeyedflame? They are all examples of long term fans that go against you rnarrative. What does that say when the few who do leave do so for petty reasons like the setting changed, the show got darker or that a character died?

Gee, I don’t remember the last time anyone using the crtq tag sucide baited someone. Or lied, Or misinformed. Or attacked the creators. Or attacked someone for having a different opinion. Or showing a lack of human decency. guess you couldn’t stand there being a better version of you out there huh?

How much longer can this keep happening? It’s starting to feel as if they don’t want to plan ahead. The recent Yang Trailer fiasco being enough proof. They could have had done all the trailers a month ahead of time so that we could have time to let it sink in, and talk about it and stuff. But instead, we’re jumping right into it, then getting the official Volume 5 trailer right after. This scheduling thing is starting to become a bit of an issue here. They seem to write things without thinking ahead of how this would play out.

What fiasco? The trailer isn’t even out yet and mind you, the ORIGINAL trailers were spaced the same way. SO if you had no problems then, you should have no problems now.

And considering the RWDE tag talks about shit like the “asset stealing” and Shane’s Letter like their hotcakes: you don’t care about that kind of discussion. And considering it takes the average trailer a day to be dissected and reviewed by everyone: Its life span isn’t as long as you claim it to be.

“Hey! How should we write this scene here?”

“The one where Blake is about to open up to her parents?”

“Yeah, actually, we didn’t have the time yesterday to write what she was going to say, can we have Sun interrupt her instead?”

“Sure, I guess. What should it be for? Important information? The White Fang are there, maybe he saw something-”

“No. Just have him use some excuse because he’s eavesdropping. We have this hilarious joke planned out where Blake’s sister-”

“Mother.”

“-Whatever, does the exact same thing. It’ll be funny!”

“Wait, you had the time to plan that, but not the time to figure out what Blake is going to say to her father? Why not ask Arryn? She knows Blake inside and out. Maybe she has some suggestions.”

“What? And have her cut into my-”

“Our.”

“MY writing pay? HA! No thank you!”

“Alright man. You’re the head writer.”

“Yeah. Yeah I am.”

One Week Later…

“Okay, so how about we have Sun try to explain that he had valuable information about the White Fang-”

*THUNK!*

“Why do you have your head on your desk right now?”

Except if you look at what Blake said in EPisode 11, you’d know from the context of both conversations that what Blake said to Sun about leaving her team because she didn’t want to hurt them (You know, the question ghira asked) I her answer. And if ypu paid any attention to anything that isn’t a white male for you to screech at, you'd notice that Ghira and Kali have the EXACT same relationship as Blake and Sun does: Ghira being the serious, driven but socialy awkward one and Kali being the easy going, joking, social adapted one. Thus that joke is to show their paralells. If you were as critical as you say, you’d notice it. I did the very instant it happened, why can’t you?

I hope you liked my sketch of how I personally think that whole discussion went down. I had fun writing it.

And I had fun using it to show you have nno critical skills whatsoever. Keep going, you’re just proving me right. I would have also said: “Probably the same way a political party slanders it’s opponent like a group of immature children.”

And speaking of fun, I think that the writers aren’t having any of it. I think they need some new blood in the writing room, and maybe get some women into their female-centered show or maybe some people who aren’t white to help better portray their entire fictional race that acts as a stand-in for ALL RACIAL MINORITIES. - I’m still bitter about that if you couldn’t tell.Â

Does that mean that Steven universe should kick off Rebecca Suagr because Steven is a male?

Or that their shouldn’t be a single male writer for MLP?

Or that characters like Tex and Carolina should have never been made because RvB is male centered?

Or that Monty, a man, shouldn’t have made a female centered show at all?

See, when you automatically assume that only women can write women and vice versa, not only do you limit what a creator do as well as spit on RWBY’s message of freedom of expression but it also implies you think that women and men are entirely different and that they can’t share any personality traits or experiences or anything the other gender. Which is basically the definition of sexism: Same thing goes with the race thing. And funniest thing is: Both women and racial minorities disagree with you so you exposed yourself as a racist and a sexist for nothing.

How much longer can the fanbase be baited for the representation that they outright promised several times? I mean, have you seen the notes section of this post for their Q&A? There’s a split between the people who are (rightfully) pointing out that they said this last time, and still haven’t delivered, and others who are basically saying “They said ‘yes.’ Now shut up!” How much longer can they keep this up? How much longer until even their most die-hard fans start to question them on their ability to write a character in the LGBT+ community? At this rate, I don’t think it can last for very long.

So the side that ahs attacked them numerous times while demanding they make a Mary Sue while demanding it e clevery written is better than the side that respects the creators wishes and treats the as human beings? Because considering you have used LGBT people despite not being LGBT: You shouldn’t be one to talk.

And there you go again, putting yourself. You do seriously think that every LGBT person who watches RWBY watches it for an LGBT character and not the animaton, the music, the characters and their personalities, the plot or the world? Because if you do (and considering your history, you do): You think every LGBT person thinks the same way, acts the same way and wants the same thing. That’s homophobia you idiot. Congrats on seeing nothing but their sexuality and disrespecting their individuality.

Look, these guys seriously need to either get their act together, or someone needs to create some competition major for them. It’s getting obvious that they can be lazy with how they’re scheduling things because there’s no other American-Made Anime around to compete with them. If someone can create a show that can compete with RWBY for a Streamy, then they would be forced to improve and take harder criticisms.

Except that even in Japan, RWBY is booming even with conpetitors like My hero Academia, a Shounen anime written by a guy taught by the writer of One Piece, and Dragon ball Super, the successor to the anime that BIRTHED SHounen as we know it. It has been acknowledged by the creator of Blazblue of all people And that’s all with an admitted shotty translation. So what’s your excuse for that?

And by harsher criticism, you mean your personal opinions you want to force on the CRWBY. Because not once have you made a critique that wasn’t riddled with misinformation, edited parts and even outright lying all while even admitting you have a personal bias. You don’t care about RWBY: You just want to control.

It’ll be a win for everyone. Rwde will finally tone it down a notch because their voices are being heard and taken into bigger consideration, anti-rwde will calm down due to initial rwde’s calmness, fans will see improvement, and the actual show will improve. The show has to improve. Because if all it’s going to do is introduce new characters to avoid giving development to ones that need it (Sage and Scarlet), then those characters may as well just be killed off… I hope to every single God that I didn’t just give them an idea.

Except RWDE doesn’t deserve to have their voices heard. You’ve all done irredeemable shit to the point I salivate at the thought of the LGBT character being introduced so I can indulge in my sadism.  You’ve all shown a disturbing lack of human decency and respect to the point you think it okay to suicide bait people and use the dead for your own purposes. You lost the right to have your voices heard a long time ago: to the point you’re finally understanding youll never be heard so you pull this bullshit to manipulate people into hearing.

Well, let me say: You could start apologizing right now and continue until the end of Volume 9 and you wouldn’t be forgiven so nice fucking try.

#rw/de bullshit #dudeblade

[iluvtv]

Mom Guilt

Since today I will be tackling the taboo topics of both guilt and remorse I may as well start with my own caveat; I apologize.

I'm going to do some mom-splaining here...

Recently I watched the first ten episodes of both I'm Sorry and I Feel Bad. Both shows are Momedies and in case you hadn't noticed I am far more fluent in the more ego-centric brand of SWF Humor. No matter, intrigued by these curiously similar premises and my general obsession with female comedic powerhouses (including the women behind these titles) I assumed I had nothing to lose (ten hours on the sofa aside).

In full disclosure, while Andrea Savage's I'm Sorry wasn't exactly a show I fell for immediately, the stellar cast and the unapologetically hilarious style of Savage's parenting was enough to keep me watching. A clever choice indeed, by the final episode of Season One I felt pure sadness that I had no more episodes to watch and apologetic that I hadn't immediately understood the show's intentions. While my earliest notes state I am impressed by the cast they also indicate confusion towards the uneven tone.  Or to be as authentic as Savage my actual notations read as such:

"So many snappy quips.

Cast is epic...

Hope show gets better.

RN all just parents talking shit"

As I struggled to grasp I'm Sorry I also started dabbling with I Feel Bad. A show I found so problematic that no matter which lens I looked through I just wound up feeling... well, bad.

My ability to embrace the intentions behind I'm Sorry was aided through Savage's interview on Dax Shepard's (wonderful) podcast Armchair Expert. Her voice allowed a clear point of reference, making it much easier to deduce the ambitions behind her creative portrayal of just how humorous motherhood is. 

The feminist credo she passes to her daughter doesn't hurt the show's hilarity either. Savage's offbeat parenting hacks towards inciting female power seemingly misfire, all the while actually breeding a totally self-actualized kid who will proudly push back on the agenda. Amelia patiently explains to her mother "Ariel doesn't need a voice because she is the prettiest."

Savage makes this whole process just so darn relatable.

So, maybe I am just an ignorant audience and I still don't get I Feel Bad. Maybe a few interviews and episodes later I'll be espousing this show as the sleeper hit I knew about all along. But for now, as a woman who very much does not "have it all" I couldn't help but feel insulted by I Feel Bad's beautiful, successful protagonist, Emet. This is a mom who spends each episode lamenting her inability to "do it all" while somehow managing to round off each half hour by achieving whatever seemed implausible earlier in the day. Along the way, her funny, nuclear (though, to be fair racially diverse) family, comedically (and again, to be fair, often judgmentally) applauds her missteps.

Somehow each episode lands like a small punch in the gut. By episode six I was pretty sure I was being Sheryl Sanberg'ed all over again.

Emet's successful gaming illustration job, sweet and loving husband, goofy dad, terribly hands-on mom and mostly self-sufficient children (we hardly ever even see the baby) is all just a little much. This is a working mom that makes leaning in look suspiciously like lying down.

So, is I Feel Bad actually the minority mother's manifesto it was built as or is it just another major female guilt trip?

Admittedly here, Savage's television alter-ego which is practically exclusively based in reality is a wildly talented and beautiful comedienne, married to a successful lawyer with a cute (if sometimes obnoxiously inconvenient) daughter. In spite of this the show somehow just doesn't feel overdone. Instead, her down to earth approach to life and incessant and often deprecating commentary induce both cringing and appreciative nodding. Even I understand her plight and I am a single woman living in a one bedroom apartment writing a blog for free.

Perhaps this can be attributed to the humor. Savage's commitment to every joke intrinsically carries this series.

Once I finished listening to her and Dax chat I was entirely smitten with this woman. She sees the world through satire tinged goggles, she is attracted to banter and surrounds both her work and home life with this ethic.

Realizing the comedians on her show were mostly improvising I embraced the occasional awkwardness in tone for all it was intended to be.

It is this constantly improving unrehearsed dialogue in which, I'm Sorry thrives. The show has a fabulously charming Curb your Enthusiasm feel but I suppose I need to quantify this statement.

I understand charming to mean Judith Light telling Andrea Savage to go fuck herself during a geriatric Zumba class when Savage (the youngest person in the room by some 20-odd years) requests to turn up the A/C. Or charming like when your newly not racist four-year-old daughter runs into the "grown-up" dinner party in blackface  (the very same exclusively invited guests who just discovered you probably peed on your hands to alleviate the "jalapeno burn" you acquired whilst preparing their guacamole) only to announce that she is "Fat Albert!" Charming like when your best friend gleefully squeals, "I'm just so excited to see what you have planned next! First piss guac, then blackface. Its probably going to be something antisemitic!" Charming like 7a at the fertility clinic watching men leave the waiting room one by one to go masturbate in a cup and appreciating the experience as nothing more than amazing content."It's kind of like the reverse walk of shame," Savage announces gaining hearty laughs from the other patients and causing her husband to shrink into his chair, muttering; "please don't engage the room."

This is the kind of parenting I can comprehend.

I'm Sorry features a team already skilled at doing improvisation with one another and while it does take a bit for both viewer and actor to fully grasp the unpredictable tone of a real-life mom, it's bumps and misses are a welcome side effect of both the show and actual motherhood.

This story focus' on the perils a funny mom who writes crass humor for a living might actually have to face. Her writing partner, Kyle (Jason Mantzoukas) wonders how she can go from "blow jobs to kindergarten" and her husband teases: "Moms aren't supposed to be funny. Don't you watch TV? Get more hairy and tired."

All teasing from loved ones aside, this show works because Andrea is not actually perfect. She explains in the first episode that she is "disgusting" and later acknowledges she is on an equal playing field with a woman she once accused of being a "garbage person".  These fallacies lead to a character who is both likable and entirely relatable; I too am struggling through a semi-charmed life with plenty to apologize for.

Most notable perhaps, is the final two scenes of season one when Savage accidentally changes her email signature to her favorite (just for laughs) porn picture of a girl biting a man's dick (this is a pic she utilizes as an ongoing gag in many different facets and even unwittingly exposes her four-year-old daughter to at one point in the season). Without realizing her mistake, she shoots off an email to the elite kindergarten her daughter was just accepted to, informing them how thrilled her family is to join the school next fall. Spoiler alert, the season ends with her begging for redemption.

But that's the thing, we don't know if she'll get it and if the Dean's face is any indication Amelia's future here looks highly doubtful.

And while this is an error perhaps enhanced for the comedic effect her apology does sound genuine. She hadn't quite meant for her humor to hurt her daughter's future, an intent likely all decent mom's can relate to

Far less avant-garde, I Feel Bad follows the mainstream sitcom throughline in which conflict is presented, dealt with and solved all in the matter of one episode. Personally, I have no problem with this tactic, designed of course to give us a fresh start each week. The problem here lies with the premise of the show. How badly can you really feel about an error which only takes 28 minutes with commercials to rectify? But what really grates at me here is that our protagonist hasn't so much as fixed her problem as she's found a grovely way to make it redeeming. If anything, it's more insulting that Emet’s cute creativeness has all but rendered her infallible.

For all the enjoyment of Andrea's apology-prompting endeavors (Amelia sharing the gossip of her mother's stretched out vagina to her pre-school chums. Andrea and her mother commiserating about being stuck in successful marriages all the while knowing they'd be at their very best as sexy widows), Emet’s missteps just prompt angst. She left me wondering if I was somehow failing at life. Why wasn't own annoying TV family rallying around my picturesque existence, rooting for me as I lamented my imperfections?

Case in point: during I Feel Bad's holiday episode Emet allegedly feels bad because her kids don't know about their own culture.

I say allegedly here because in actuality she displays zero remorse for her kids' minimal grasp on both Judaism and Hinduism. What Emet actually seems concerned with (as is true in almost every episode) is not her children's well-being but rather how she comes across to the world. In this particular episode, the person she is most concerned with impressing is her Mother in Law. She does this by hiding her own mother inside a Casino.

In some sort of off-beat coup Emet pays the Indian side of her family to silence through Paula Abdul tickets and a $300 credit card charge at CVS ("just imagine how long that receipt is?!" her husband laments)  and while admittedly this is a good hush approach if you ever are interested in buying my silence it's also kind of a not-so-cute, dare I say asshole move to try to embrace one culture by buying off another (sounds like some kind of ass-backward deal #45 might brag about).

All this is of little concern to Emet and her husband though. Instead, the mezuzah on the door, the brisket on the table and expensive Hannukah decorations in the yard are effective enough, causing one Grandma to swoon while the other returns with a carefully calculated revenge approach aimed at convincing her grandchildren (those kids we allegedly are all so worried about being culturally out of touch) that Diwali is the cooler holiday.

Shenanigans ensue.

The pageantry culminates in a backyard, multi-generational family paint war. Of course, everyone winds up laughing and bonding about Emet’s lies and oddly accept equal blame for her dishonesty, each adult copping to their own inability to raise a future generation to be more woke.

Now everyone is happy, they have created new (and obviously better) traditions and all the while the stereotypical old Jewish couple visiting Emet’s inlaws remain indoors blissfully unaware o the commotion, chatting amongst themselves about what a good brisket "the Indian woman has prepared."

And scene.

Did Emet really ever feel bad that her kids are cultural ignoramus'?

Absolutely not.

Can everyone get behind her scheming, lying and flagrant consumeristic overspending because she said she did? Absolutely.

And her family is colorful and happy. Problem solved, yay!

How bizarre.

I may live 1,000 lives and I will never get away with holiday mischief like this.

I'm Sorry but I can't help but Feel Bad.

And so I suppose now is the time to reflect on the actual difference between the two phrases from which each show hails its title.

Similar, sure but fundamentally, "I feel bad" and "I'm sorry" (not the television shows per se, though it does pertain here)  the actual implications behind these phrases are very, very different. If someone feels bad they crashed your car that somehow has an entirely different ring to it than they're sorry they crashed your car.

Karen R. Koenig a licensed psychotherapist I found online (the best place for psychobabble) explains the phenomenon as such:

“I’m sorry,” usually indicates that people feel regret or remorse for having caused pain: they wish they hadn’t done what they did...This mindset is different from someone feeling guilty. That is, people can feel momentarily badly that they did something wrong, but not regret it. The guilt comes from recognizing that what they did was wrong, but not from actually feeling sorry that it happened. Guilt often arises only because someone gets caught. My take is that most of the time, abusers experience momentary guilt, but little more."

If this doesn't prove I Feel Bad is just the gentle sit-com equivalent of gaslighting I'm not sure what does? I get enough of that noise when I read the news, thank you very much.

#armchair expert #dax shepard #andrea savage #i feel bad #nbc #im sorry #trutv #jason mantzoukas #hulu #netflix #curb your enthusiasm