#it's ridiculous that if i said this on my main blog i'd probably get like. anon hate or something

[unforth]

I've debated multiple times doing something like cataloging racist microaggressions I see in the danmei tags and making a post about it. I generally see at least one a day, and I block the worst offenders. But in the end I'm a white USAdian and it's really not my place. I'm sure I don't even catch them all.

It's a real issue and I've seen a lot of anecdotal evidence that it drives Chinese and Chinese diaspora fans out of participating in Westernized Tumblr danmei fandom, and that's utterly unacceptable.

One of the most common ones I see is how people talk about the character names. For example:

[Image ID: screen cap of a text post. It reads: "This all came about when I was looking at SVSSS memes on Ao3 and went like "My friends nor coworkers would get heads or tails of what in the world these alphabet smash assortment mean let alone know that they're referencing Soecific individuals or novels." End ID]

THIS IS A MICROAGGRESSION. For fuck's sake, people, acting like the names are ridiculous, incomprehensible, outside of what "friends and colleagues" could comprehend, is RACIST AS FUCK. And I see people say stuff like this constantly.

"But I only meant I was struggling--" THEN WHY DID YOU ASSUME OTHER PEOPLE WOULD STRUGGLE THE SAME WAY? STILL RACIST

"But I could say that about the abbreviations in any--" BUT YOU SAID IT ABOUT THIS FANDOM SPECIFICALLY AND CONTEXT FUCKING MATTERS AND IN THIS CONTEXT IT'S RACIST.

"But it was on my personal blo--" LOOK IF YOU WANT TO BE RACIST ON YOUR PERSONAL BLOG I CAN'T STOP YOU BUT IF YOU TAG ORIGINAL POSTS INTO MAIN FANDOM TAGS THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WILL SEE YOU AND KNOW YOU ARE RACIST.

The person who posted the above, when I said it was a microaggression, demanded to know how. So, for them and everyone else in this fucking fandoms, I present what any of them could have learned by googling the term. The definition of microaggression:

(Source)

[Image ID: a dictionary entry for the term "microaggression." It reads: "noun. A comment or action that subtle and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member if a marginalized group (such as a racial minority)." End ID]

What that screen cap says about names is literally the textbook definition of a microaggression.

Chinese names are just names. The way Chinese sounds is just the way a language sounds. Cultivation is inherently based in Eastern culture and cannot be completely divorced from that context even for a cute AU. I'm so tired of seeing posts saying things like "MXTX just stole the plot of (insert Western myth/folktale/fable here)". Do yall realize how fucking racist you're being? Do yall realize how fucking racist even I've probably been by accident because I'm also a dumb white USAdian?

I've been holding this post in for like a year, but the person who posted that screen cap, who doubled-down by posting a non-apology to all the MXTX main tags, and who acted like I'd said something insane when I told them it was a microaggression...they're apparently my last fucking straw.

DO BETTER, WHITE WESTERN DANMEI FANDOM. We all need to learn and listen and knock it the fuck off already. Me included.

Please, please listen when people say "check yourself." Seeing this stuff everyday is exhausting even for ME and I'm not even in the marginalized group. Chinese people (including diaspora) who stay in the fandom here despite the constant deluge are strong as fuck and they do not deserve this and, as a white person, I'm so so sorry white people are like this.

#unforth rambles #drama #i should not post this #i dont want the drama #but ive seen so many posts by chinese fans ignored #maybe theyll listen to a white person which of course listening to me and not them is itself another fucking microaggression #god im so sorry #ive been debating tagging the fandoms but i dont think i can face the potential consequences #im so tired #but feel free to reblog it i guess

[companion-showdown]

hi everyone, its me! (not that you haven't heard from me the past month and a half). @adventure-showdown has now entered its quarter-finals, so I thought it worth giving a bit of an update.

I think I said at one point I expected to be back to companion tournaments in mid November, which was ridiculous looking back, but now i can confidently say that I'll be back to these on the 19th. But busy time of year that it is, when I return it'll be to mini tournaments until January (feel free to sent me any suggestions!)

Come January my plan is to host Companion Showdown 2k24, opening the year with a simple popularity contest. Now obviously this was the first tournament I ran, things have changed a bit in the running of things, become more involved, but probably not enough to significantly change the outcome. But things will be different this time

nominations, you will be able to nominate your favourite companions

proper seeding

I think there was some propaganda last time but i think im much better at it now

propaganda embedding in posts? this will depend on if its something people want, it would be like @adventure-showdown posts, I'd set up a form and then any submitted propaganda would go under a cut at the end of the main body of the post. The form would also be the nomination process to make things a bit easier

only after that will things be truly back to normal

anyway, if anyone has any suggestions for the changing of the running of this blog, now would be the time. You can also suggest any tournaments you would like to see run, the current list is here - it is slightly out of date as of writing this, some of them we have now done, and i have a few asks with suggestions I haven't gone through yet, but I will get it updated soon enough

[greatqueenanna]

3/1/22

I'm Back!

After a ridiculously long Hiatus since November, I am finally back and ready to talk more Frozen! So, let's get this started and clean off all the dust and cobwebs haha. There's a lot to talk about!

-----

Yes, I know - FROZEN 3!

First things first, the elephant in the room and the thing that people kept sending me messages about - last month Frozen 3 was officially announced! The fandom is happy, concerned, anxious, and excited all at once. I'm personally very happy that we'll finally be getting some new content. You can definitely expect that I will be covering Frozen 3 news and speculation, as well as throwing in my own thoughts here and there over the coming years.

Also, don't hesitate to let me know your thoughts and fears about the new sequel - I'd love to hear them.

-----

Upcoming Analyses

Over my hiatus, I was able to complete two of my promised analyses. Fatherly Burdens - Is Agnarr Portrayed Negatively? Will be released tomorrow, 3/2/23. It's a bit of a controversial one, so be prepared! Polar Opposites - Comparing the Sister’s Personalities is coming the day after, 3/3/23. It's a tame one, so it should be a nice little read.

As for the others, I'm going to label below their release dates and if everything goes well, they should release on those dates with no problems.

Irredeemable Monster - Should Hans Make a Return 3/9/23

Stoic and Strong - Talking about HoneyMaren and Her Importance 3/23/23

I will also be reblogging old analyses that I think are some of my best. So be prepared for some oldies coming back into the spotlight over the next couple of months!

-----

That Dang Frozen Canon Talk!

Now for Frozen Canon Talk! 4th Edition - I promised it, I pushed it back, and now I finally have a date for it - 4/20/23.

I will be talking about Canon again, but many of my initial thoughts have changed over the course of doing more research and having more discussions. This is why I have removed all earlier versions of the post, so people wouldn't get confused.

-----

Arendelle Archives

As some of you probably have noticed, I have joined The Arendelle Archives - a fan group that is dedicated to writing about and chronicling important Frozen Franchise Information.

I want to give a shout-out to these great documents below, written by @saiten-gefroren and Winter Loves Summer. The first is the Annals of Frozen which summarizes what we know about both Arendelle and Northuldra. The second is The Frozenverse which contains all the published titles so far in the Frozen franchise, like media, books, comics, and spin-offs.

These are amazing reads, and the work and dedication here deserve more attention and credit.

Annals of Frozen by saiten-gefroren

The Frozenverse by Winter Loves Summer

-----

GQA-Lite Redone

I'm re-creating my side blog to be Frozen-centric fandom side topics. I want this main blog to focus more on the analysis of the franchise itself, rather than on the fandom drama. Thus, the purpose of GQA-Lite is to cover more fandom-related topics. In my bio, you will see where my opinions are aligned, so from that, you should get an idea of what GQA-Lite will cover.

It will no longer delve into non-Frozen topics, but I will be creating a whole new blog later on where I don't talk about Frozen. Stay tuned if you're interested in that.

GQA-Lite link here and in Bio.

-----

What's Next?

Now for the final update - a poll! As said, I am definitely taking advantage of this haha.

#greatqueenanna/updates

[dsmpsupersecretau]

NOOOOOO!!!

Can you at least tell us what the deal is with tubbo! Cause I know he’s hiding something! just give us the basic story of what you were planning!

tumblr keeps giving me ghost asks on my main and apparently, it's cause of this blog

so I might as well answer this ask, albeit extremely late (Sorryyyy)

If i can recall, Tubbo was planned to be like, a secret agent that was tasked to keep track of Wilbur/Phantom. That ended poorly as you can see.

Now he's stuck in a miserable little secretary Job working under Schlatt.

So uh, basically what I did have planned for the rest of the story (what I can remember of my plans), in list form:

- Wilbur, a very not dead, not kinda alive, was gonna be introduced in the second chapter, a very unpleasant meeting for Tommy and Ranboo

- Ranboo actually works in a library owned by Techno (who's a vigilante/retired hero known as the Blood God)

- Oh yeah Techno also holds anarchy book club meetings, with Niki and Phil (niki is also another retired hero turned vigilante/villain) (Phil is still a hero)

- Ranboo happens upon the actual truth of said book club, gets offered to join, yay :) anarchy club (he accepts mostly out of fear cause well, i mean, being in a room with two violent vigilantes and the top hero is going to be terrifying)

- Tommy worked at a balery owned by Bad, the bakery is definitely just a façade. Every single motherfucker there is in a cult lead by Bad. They keep trying to get Tommy in. He's blissfully unaware and thinks they're all weirdos.

^not super serious, they were planned to be a minor threat and mostly funny/incompetent villains. Generally ridiculous shenanigans.

- Nightmare was going to be this dangling threat over the entire thing. Not really appearing "on camera", just sort of There.

- Wilbur was brought back by Nightmare. Then got kicked. But he was going to be threatening but more of a "you just don't know what he'll do" sort of way. A walking false alarm.

^ He's also just genuinly kind of threatening to Ranboo. Belittles Tubbo low key.

this is over a year old and this is most of what i can recall. Eh.... if i had enough interest I'd rewrite stuff. But I already have plans for original comics and I've overall lost interest in mcyt-anything so ehhh...

(I had like entire huge arcs planned cause i tend to do that, bad habit that that ends up overwhelming me to the point of losing interest. Wanted to add Aimsey, they were going to either be a secret agent (like tubbo)(bubble coworker) or a rabbit themed vigilante.)

Some of the ideas ended up being rehashed into something more original (i have some sketches on this blog pf that lol), but the idea is in the backburner for now, probably would end up making it smaller than the au idea cause it would be overwhelming otherwise.

#dsmp super secret au #dream smp #dsmp au #benchtrio #writing it down i realky would tweak a few things #i didnt have as many concrete ideas im gonn be honest #because this comic wasnt really planned at All #the prologue was a test comic for paneling on ibis cause i wanted to do comics again #i did not expect for it to get popular and for it to turn into an entire au #this is not the first au i tried writing btw #i had more drafts and ideas in my laptop folders for potential aus lol #some fic ideas in my google docs #actually had a post apocalypse sci fi au but its forever rotting in my drafts now #this is very rambley

[greywindys]

Can you tell us what others 2doc's dynamic ships come to your mind? Jsjsj

...I don't know if you want to open this door, anon, lmao. I think I used the wrong term when I said "ship." I'm going to share a non-exhaustive (I'm not going to get too spicy atm) list here, but I also want to clarify that I don't really ship any of these, and in some cases, idt some of this media has a fandom with active ships anyway. Instead, think of this as a list of potential 2Doc AUs that have likely never been done before (I've certainly given consideration to all of them lmao). In general, the 2Doc dynamic, or a version of the 2Doc dynamic, exists in a lot of media. If you watch any of these, and come out supporting a ship, then I support you! But you can think of these in a platonic sense as well. This post will also be long because I talk a lot, and I wanted to find Youtube clips.

Succession: I've talked ad nauseam on this blog about TomGreg (Tom = Murdoc, Greg = 2D), and while I don't want to repeat myself, I couldn't make this post in good conscious without including them. This is quintessential 2Doc if canon ever gave 2Doc the development it deserved. In fact, I have a half-completed draft still sitting around that highlights every parallel. Here is a longer post where I begin to talk about some similarities. I love Succession on its own, but it is also home to so many of my personal Murdoc hcs. I owe it my life.

While we're here, I'd also add an honorable mention to TomShiv (Tom = 2D, Shiv = Murdoc) with the way she hurts him over and over and he keeps coming back to her, and the way they hate each other by the end of the series, but also realize they can't live without one another. This is the abridged version, but I'm trying not to make this so ridiculously long. I can go into more detail if anyone wants me to. Anyhow, here is a TomGreg clip. There are literally so many compilations on Youtube, but this is one of the more iconic scenes, imo, and it should gets it's chance to shine.

The Lighthouse: This comparison should be relatively familiar to 2Doc fans, I believe? I knew about this movie before it was cool, though, because I love Robert Eggers as a director. He managed to unintentionally write an amazing PB - two men, trapped on an island together slowly lose their minds. Fun for any ship, tbh! But PB and 2Doc similarities are undeniable. This portrayal will be more appealing to those who enjoy earlier 2Doc (P1-3), though Robert Pattinson's character has both flaws and a backbone, and I like to think of 2D this way as well. Willem Dafoe's character also gets his comeuppance. Tbh, this is my PB.

Seven Days in Hell: 2Doc tennis AU? A strange combination to consider. I forget why I watched this years ago. I think I was still coming out of the GOT fandom and wanted to watch some of the casts' new project. Anyhow, this may be appealing to fans of the 2Doc as bitter rivals/enemies. Kit Harrington's character reminds me of 2D SO much lmao. And Andy Samberg's character is very Murdoc.Fair warning, I believe this has a bad ending, but I remember liking it. There are also probably some problematic elements I'm forgetting to mention, but we're also talking about 2Doc here. Indubitably.

Whatever is going on with these guys aka The Climb: Okay, I'll be honest, I never actually watched this movie. The trailer played while I was at the theater to see a different movie. However, it stuck out to me for it's depiction of a "toxic friendship," enough that I posted about it on this blog years ago. That's actually the only way I remembered it. I was browsing through my video history looking for my Taylor Swift AMV and stumbled upon the original post. I thought, "wtf is that, and why did I post it?" And it was because of 2Doc. And idk, it doesn't look that bad! I enjoy little indie movies like this.

Glee: Listen. Or don't. I'm going to attempt to outline the main points of my argument in a short paragraph. Rachel Berry is ruthless in pursuit of her ultimate goal of becoming a Broadway star and will happily sacrifice friendships, others' successes and safety (she once sent a student she viewed as competition to crack house to dissuade them from joining Glee Club so she could have less competition for solos) etc to achieve it. Finn is kind of dumb, tall but nonetheless popular. In the early season, Rachel fixates on him and it creeps him out. Visually, their heights are similar to 2D and Murdoc. While, as many know, the show starts to flop quality wise in season 2, the 2Doc dynamic is there, though obviously not nearly as unhealthy as Gorillaz 2Doc. But this was that fandom I came from prior to following Gorillaz! And I thought back to Finn's characterization quite a bit while writing 2D in The Answer.

Okay, so that's six to start off. I'm happy to defend my choices so far kskalds. Or if you, or anyone else, has any ship platonic or otherwise that you want to add, feel free to do so!

#asks. #Anonymous #2doc

[shinycollarboneapologist]

okay let's be boring and go with ace as a name bc that's my nickname irl bc I'm a massive gilmore girls fan (team logan btw iykyk)!!

I really want to attempt writing fics but I'm wayyyy to nervous! I was okay at English in school and I always send obnoxiously long asks into blogs on here with my ideas based on their fics (sorry fellow tumblr.com authors you all get forced to see my writing) but I have nightmares of writing and putting it on here only to be bullied off the platform ahahahahah

jealous of the sun bathing in England rn its been pissing it down raining all dayyyyy, we only get like 1 week of sun a year and the rest of the time its very stereotypically rainy !! my day was shit but always better after taking to you bff!

also please excuse my excessive use of exclamation marks idk why but to me a full stop feels mean and I also use ellipsis way too much but I, like you, am the drama so I love to build unnecessary tension...

I've actually always wanted jury duty but I've never been called for it, I know it's meant to be so boring but I want to live my jury duty delusion of being a hot juror! a torrid jury love affair? hello I'd read that fic

spring break always sounded so fun to me as a sad English child!! we just call it Easter holidays and be boring and religious but when I hear spring break I imagine drunk people on a beach in florida yk?

my current obsessions for blogs are;

-lottiecrabie (pfms has me in a chokehold)

-toomuchracket (living in the flatmate! matty delusion rn)

-byyourside28 (loving the soft sound series as a person obsessed with getting tattoos)

-justlikemebutsixfootthree (literally all their smut is god tier)

-bookishstrawberry (fluffy and gizmo series has my heart)

-imightgetbetter (the whole love it if we made it series has me wanting children but only fictional ones with matty... the delusion creation is STRONG)

and OF COURSE the no 1 blog on tumblr is the beautiful, amazing and unmatched... shinycollorboneapologist

omg yes to only letting matty into our cottage to sing, we will bring him out tea and cigarettes but otherwise no rats allowed sorry ratthew!! taylor however gets the master suite with a 4 poster bed and unlimited pampering!! same with Ross, George and Adam bc only ratty needs humbling (I really do love you tho Matthew give me one chance I'll be your controversially young gf)

ily bff!!!

-ace (my new name rip illicit affairs anon you will be missed)

ps. apologies for the ridiculously long ask I literally am so obnoxious

..... i love gilmore girls. lets chat abt that.

okay that is very ... warranted. i also was super nervous and tbh ... style was probably never going to be posted but i was a bit inebriated after my birthday and just posted it without looking back. look at us now!!! so for that, i say you should 110% just take the leap. i will be your #1 fan actually.

i will send the sunshine and good vibes your way. i usually like the rain a lot, but i can imagine it gets a bit tiring if its like that all year long. im glad you had a good day!!!!

i love your use of exclamation points okay. there i said it. it just makes everything you say feel so excited and happy and i love it. the ellipses ...... love that for us. ofc you are the drama, you're the main character hello.

that is how i want my spring break to be, but alas i am working and writing my silly little stories for tumblr.com. SGLJFDLG easter holiday just sounds so cute though?

okay can we talk about pfms.... because that. that fic is my hyper fixation atm. like i just … it’s everything to me.

also all of those blogs i follow and love more than life itself. most of them axtually inspired me to write myself which is like 🫂 i use all of them as my silly little delusional daydreams (esp toomuchrackets flatmate!matty, the things i would do for that man and justlikemebutsixfootthree’s recent smut… jeez)

please you are too kind. idk abt no 1 blog BUT… i’ll take it okay.

maybe some cheese too, since he is a rat. taylor gets the master suite with us, we’ll bake her little cookies and biscuits and give her the best pampering treatment of her life. (also pls let’s not conjure matty to my blog … that would be so embarrassing to me i think i would keel over and die) (i also will fight u for the spot of matty’s controversially young gf)

ilysm and i hope u have a great day

#ace #rip to illicit affairs anon #u will be missed #ilysm bff

[bonny-kookoo]

Let's talk - and FAQ.

Please remember that I'm not upset at anybody. Words can only convey so much emotion, and I want to make sure it's clear that I'm not trying to pick a fight or sound entitled. However, some things need to be said, and some questions need answering. And some were funny so I needed to include them.

To anons telling me I have to update/must provide a masterlist:

I get multiple asks daily asking about where is the masterlist for this fic, where is your main masterlist, will you update your masterlist, and those are understandable and totally reasonable. However, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, please remember that I don't have to do anything. I don't have to provide a masterlist if I don't feel like it- though I will do so, in order to make it more convenient for you guys to browse through my works. But I don't have to hurry up and update anything. I don't have to set up a schedule so every AU I've made up gets a post every day (which is quite ridiculous if you think of just how many AUs I have at this point.). Which brings me to my next point:

I will write for something when I feel like it.

This sounds horribly entitled and I'm sorry for that. But when I get asks like "You need to update fic x before you start something new" or demands for updates sometimes right after I posted a chapter (demands meaning 'you need to/have to/must), it really takes away a lot of fun for me. I get that it can be very frustrating to wait for updates. I really do understand that. But if I don't feel like writing for a specific story, I won't do it. I'm not going to half-ass some chapter just for the sake of updating it. And since we're at updates;

If I post something, it has typically been written right before its posted. Nothing finished is waiting in my drafts, and I'm not holding back updates to be mean.

I don't even know where this came from honestly? Like why would I not post updates if I've written them?

The debate about what I shouldn't write/discontinue/delete is getting ridiculous.

If a work of mine makes you uncomfortable or doesn't seem good to you, then that's fine. Everyone is allowed to have opinions. However, others might like the fics you hate. So no, I won't delete old works, and no, I won't discontinue other ongoing works. I think a lot of people have already caught on to which fic I have in mind right now. Bunny Boy is, excuse my language, fucking fiction. In fact,

All of my works are fictional scenarios that are in no way an accurate reflection of what I believe the members act/feel like/or would behave in certain situations.

I do not know the members personally. You probably don't either. To make it short on this one; if you can't understand that fanFICTION is FICTION, I'd like to kindly ask you to leave my blog.

I will not write non-con. I will not write cheating and getting back together. I will not write accidental pregnancies and I will not write about abortions. I rarely ever write bad endings, won't write descriptive self harm. I will not write the act of child abuse/domestic abuse*.

These are certain topics that are requested regularly. No, I will not write about that.

Last part is marked here, because there is a scene in one of my fics called 'wrath' that contains violence against the mc that could be seen as domestic abuse. However, the scene is clearly marked, and is not very descriptive. It can also be skipped without interrupting the story. Other triggering content is usually in past tense and not highly descriptive.

All of my works can be considered for mature audiences only, since works like Moonshiners and 1000 Cranes cover very delicate and triggering topics such as depression, Addiction, and overall mental health. Just like lavender love, I don't write these things to hurt people- but to comfort. To show that even at your lowest points, there's always a chance of getting better.

Now, the next part is yet again something I'm questioned constantly, especially after the tea blog re-emerged:

I will not talk about other authors/Blogs and my opinions of them.

I'm me, and they're them. There's only very few people I actively talk to, and I tend to keep it this way. My opinion on other authors on this platform literally does not matter. I never asked @yoongi-speculation to interact with me, post something for me, and neither am I now hiding behind her in case something happens (who tf made that up?). I don't know why some people are so ready for drama where there is none to find.

I will not open my Twitter account again.

This one explains itself.

I won't respond to hate-asks, kys messages, or long ass paragraphs about why I should leave tumblr any longer.

It has nothing to do on my blog.

I don't write full fics as requests.

Full fic requests I've done, like Tiny Treasures, were paid commissions.

The existence of my ko-fi is not me forcing you to pay for my content/begging for money.

Again, explains itself. At the moment, I have zero income, and I rarely get any money through ko-fi. Money I get is used for the pets first and foremost, especially my dog since his bills are the highest after what had happened.

Are you (insert ethnicity/skin color/race/sexuality/gender here)?

Why is that so important to know nowadays?

(No I will not answer this.)

Where do you live?

Inside my head.

What's your timezone?

KST.

What's your birthday?

20th of February.

What's your Pronouns?

She/her.

What kind of cat/dog do you have?

American Ragdoll and a German Shepherd. Also known as a stretchy cat and a drama dog.

What languages do you speak? Is English your first language?

English is my second language. I speak Korean, English, Japanese and German. I know very little French and Russian. I was raised bilingual.

You said you've had health problems in the past, how are they now?

I won't go into detail because it doesn't belong on my blog. It's neither better nor worse, and it won't change until I manage to one day maybe get surgery to fix the worst of it. That's all I'll say.

If you don't have money, why do you have pets?

Because I adopted both pets when I was still employed and had money to provide for them.

Can't you just live with your parents again?

No, because I've got almost no contact at all with them. The only person I occasionally speak to is my brother. We don't even celebrate family holidays together anymore.

Why is the mc always short?

Because I'm 4'9 and can't relate to tall people, therefore I fear I might not properly represent them in stories. Sorry.

Is the mc in home (insert ethnicity here)?

The mc in home is simply stated as foreign. She's whatever you imagine her to be.

Do you have tattoos/piercings?

Yes to both.

Is your actual name Bonny?

No, it is not.

Are you this sweet in real life too?

No, I absolutely despise people. (Thanks tho)

What do you look like?

We may never know.

Your favorite works?

Changes constantly.

Other hobbies?

Used to make music. Bothers my neighbors tho.

Are you okay?

Am I ever? I get this question a lot as well and I really appreciate that you're worried, but even if I was not okay I wouldn't ever say it, because it changes nothing. So yeah, that's that. Thank you a lot for your concern though ❤

Bad Habit of yours?

I smoke. Now before yall come at me: cigarettes are fucking cheap here, so I'm not using money I could use for proper food for something that harms me. Lasts me longer than a meal though, and yes I know it's bad.

Phone calls or Messaging?

Neither. If I have to choose I'd say messaging though. Phone calls give me anxiety.

How old are you?

23 as of now.

Do you still stan BTS? Why do you write FF if you hate them??

Some people think because I've criticized them and their music occasionally, I've automatically converted to a hater. Breaking news, I didn't. It's called having an opinion on things. I never hated, I simply denied when someone asked me if I liked a certain song. It's not that deep. I love the guys with all my heart but they're no gods.

How do you gain followers/write good fics/get popular?

I'm the last person to ask that. To this day I've got no idea what I'm doing, and I also don't think of myself as even remotely popular. Seriously. I'm not.

Are you part of the BDSM/LGBTQ+ community?

This question had popped up since Rabbit Boy and other stuff followed. Yes to both.

..

That's it honestly. Those are kind of the biggest questions I get- hope that cleared up some things too! Actual fic updates will come soon, dw! ♡

#bonnys personal #this will be deleted

[cuttlefishkitch]

hello! i haven't talked to you before, but ron said that i could ask you for some advice on writing eds? (i'd like to know things to avoid/common things that could come up in everyday life that would be good to mention/the sort of aids and stuff they'd have maybe?/anything else you think is relevant)

Hi! Sorry this took so long, a combination of ADHD and chronic pain slowed me way the fuck down. Thank you for being patient! 

EDIT: WEIRD HEEL THINGS I FORGOT!!

So, before I get into this I should probably say I technically haven’t been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS for anyone reading) because it’s one of those syndromes that takes forever to get diagnosed with (it took a friend of mine’s mother over 30 years to get dxed). Many doctors, and everyone I know who does have EDS agree with me that it’s probably what causes my chronic joint pain and some of my other chronic issues. But just because three separate doctors have said “Yeah Probably” doesn’t mean I’m diagnosed!! Only a geneticist can do that!! And they had two-three year waitlists BEFORE the apocalypse happened.

I am diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Small Fiber Neuropathy, and potentially misdiagnosed with Fibromyalgia (once I get properly tested for EDS I might get undiagnosed with this because I don’t have most of the main symptoms of Fibro, but I got diagnosed with it anyway because it’s what doctors misDX you with when they don’t know what’s wrong with you and don’t want to do more tests).

All that said, I’ve done a lot of research about EDS (mainly because it’s the only thing that explains all my symptoms since doctors seem incapable of doing so), and know a few people who have either confirmed or suspected EDS, so I’ll link to some stuff, talk about the symptoms that often come with EDS, explain how the symptoms I have affect me, because just because someone’s not diagnosed doesn’t mean they aren’t having symptoms, and probs elaborate a bit about writing physical disabilities and chronic pain in general because it’s super important to me! 

So RESOURCES aka how to make sure your post never sees the light of day because you’re linking things and tumblr hates it when people give other people information!!

Youtubers! If you want to know about the day to day of living with EDS or any disability or chronic illness I super suggest finding a youtuber that makes videos about their life. My EDS favorites are

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

Annie Elainey

Amy Lee Fisher

Websites! If you’re asking random folks on tumblr I’m assuming (and hoping) you’ve already done the basic WebMD google searches and looked over the seemingly ridiculous lists of symptoms and related conditions, so here are a few websites that are made more for people than for doctors.

The Ehlers Danlos Society

OhTWIST (That’s Why I’m So Tired)

ChronicPainPartners (the fact that they have an entire section of articles called “Dealing with Doctors” should really tell you something)

Books! If you feel like doing actual reading! I suggest reading books written by people with Ehlers Danlos, to get a feel for how they portray themselves. I’m not saying steal, but it’s probably a good point of comparison to see how your portrayal feels. (haven’t actually read these b/c my ADHD doesn’t let me read)

Ria Ruse by Morgan S. Ray (a superhero book with a disabled super MC!!)

Mysteries of Maybelle by Imani Benfell (Imani is still in high school and has already written and self-published a book cause she didn’t have enough representation for herself how cool is she!!)

Bodies in Motion by Liana Brooks (tw for pregnancy problems and miscarriages in the link, because it’s a blog post talking about integrating EDS symptoms into the story without explicitly naming them as such)

OKAY, now for some rambling about EDS SYMPTOMS!!!

Ehlers Danlos is one monster of a genetic condition in complexity and variety. There are THIRTEEN different identified types of EDS, it often comes with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and/or POTS, and can lead to various other conditions like gastroparesis, chiari malformation, craniocervical instability, and/or bad teeth. So if you’re going to be writing a character with EDS consider what other comorbid conditions they might also have. I’m mainly going to be talking about Hypermobile EDS (hEDS) because it’s what I probably have and what I’m most familiar with. That said there is a lot of overlap in symptoms with the other varieties.

I started typing this section and realized I was going to have to break it down even more so we’re going to talk about Chronic Pain, Unstable Joints (Dislocations and Subluxations), Skin Things, Mobility Issues, and Other Weird Shit and how those things get addressed separately.

Gonna get the Other Weird Shit out of the way first. Because EDS is a malfunction of connective tissue it can fuck up all sorts of random things. For instance, I and many other people w/ hEDS have trouble swallowing. Shit gets stuck in my throat, I sometimes choke on and have to cough up food, and pills can be hard to swallow, which sucks cause I take A Lot Of Pills. If it doesn’t cause full-on gastroparesis it can cause IBS or other digestive problems b/c the digestive tract is mostly made of connective tissue. It can potentially cause heart problems even if they aren’t as big of a risk as in some other forms of EDS. Premature osteoarthritis is common because what you need is more joint pain. And Fatigue OH BOY THE FATIGUE. And of course the headaches, can’t forget those pesky migraines can we!

AND piezogenic papules!! I completely forgot!! Piezogenic papules are little white bumps that appear when you put weight on your heel. In some people they hurt, but in others they don’t. They’re technically tiny little herniations of fat peaking through the fascia in the heel. They were added as part of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS in 2017!

Now for Skin Things cause it’s not as big a thing in hEDS as it is in other forms. Basically, in a lot of forms of EDS, the skin is extra stretchy and extra delicate. It bruises and tears easily, people with the extreme versions of this can accidentally scratch something into an open wound if they aren’t careful. My skin is pretty soft and sensitive, I def have the typical velvety skin, and as is pretty par for the course of someone with hEDS my skin is a little stretchy, and sorta delicate. I’m not as tissue-papery as some people get, but I almost always have at least one mystery bruise or scrape b/c existing is hazardous. Most of scars are also pretty normal, unlike the extremely papery and atrophic scars (though I have a few tiny acne scars that are atrophic) that are common with other kinds of hEDS. Something that I DO have is Lots of Stretch Marks, all over my thighs, and even down to my calves. Which wouldn’t be abnormal, except for the fact that I’ve never been over 145 lbs and I’ve never been pregnant. Having a lot of stretch marks or striations in the skin without due cause happens because the structure of the skin isn’t as strong as it is in people with a normal amount of connective tissue.

I don’t have to worry as much about my skin but people that do are usually very careful with adhesives because they can irritate or tear the skin, which sucks when you need a lot of bandaids cause your darn skin won’t do its job.

Now on to the meatier stuff and since I’m mostly working backward let’s do Mobility Issues!! These can happen in loads of ways, but a lot of what causes these in people with EDS are the other two things I wanna talk about. Unstable joints lead to increased risk of injury when doing stuff people with fully functioning joints can do.

For context, I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can walk, but a lot of the time it’s better if use a chair. Mine is mostly for my POTS symptoms, but the fact that my legs aren’t also in absolute agony is a big plus. I use a custom manual wheelchair with a SmartDrive (b/c I’m very fucking fortunate and have good insurance) whenever I leave the house and have to be “walking” for more than a few minutes at a time. I can’t fully self-propel in a manual chair because it would be damaging to the joints in my arms and hands, but the smaller chair is easier to maneuver in less than accessible spaces (like almost everywhere). There was about a month-long span where I used a very cheap and very bulky electric chair while I was waiting on the ideal set up I have now. Before that, I also briefly used, and sometimes still use, an up-right posture cane.

People with EDS have widely varying mobility issues because of how uniquely it can manifest. My cane only gave me a little help with balance because if I used it in any prolonged capacity any pain it took away from my legs was relocated to my arms, and as an artist, my arms are more important to me!

If you’re going to write a character with EDS having mobility issues as a result of their EDS the best thing to do is to narrow down their specific needs. Are their knees complete and utter garbage but their shoulders and wrists strong? Maybe they can get away with using a cane. Can they not stand for longer than 5 minutes because of the vertigo from their POTS? Maybe they need a manual wheelchair. Would propelling themself damage their back and arm joints? An electric chair might be necessary! Plenty of people with EDS use all sorts of combinations of these aides to get around their life, consider how your character’s good and bad days would be. Do they have back up plans if they overestimate themselves? There can be a lot to manage, but don’t let it scare you off! Sometimes I try and make it into a resource management game (because I’m a game designer and that’s what I do), to make evaluating my energy and mobility needs more fun!

But now let's tackle some of the reasons those mobility aides might be needed. Unstable Joints.

Ever stepped wrong and rolled your ankle? It hurts for a few steps and then kinda fixes itself, or maybe it bothers you for the rest of the day and you put it up and ice it when you get home? When I was walking around outside my house that would happen AT LEAST once a month, usually more. Some times I’m sitting wrong and when I get up my knee isn’t a knee anymore and decides to just give out from under me. My knuckles are made of unruly popcorn and they Don’t Want To Stay Home!! Oh! And my shoulder is more often out a little out of its socket than it is fully in.

Unstable joints lead to Dislocations and Subluxations of varying intensity, and some people get them more frequently than others. Some can be severe enough to necessitate hospital visits and even surgery, some subluxations are so banal (like my fUCKING SHOULDER) that you just learn to live with the pain.

If a character is going to be in high action, combat-heavy scenarios, chances are they’re going to be popping out joints left and right. Hell, depending on the severity of their joint laxity they could be doing the same sitting at a desk. Again, it’s incredibly varied. I’d suggest setting some sort of baseline for yourself, of what a character’s joints can and can’t stand up to, and maybe do some research on which joints are most likely to pop out in general (hips and shoulders are big culprits being the wacky ball and socket motherfuckers they are). Then maybe have something pop out or hold up every so often when it shouldn’t cause hey! EDS is kinda just like that! Unpredictable!

Some ways people manage joint laxity is with braces, KT tape, and physical therapy. Braces come in many different forms, since I’m currently getting pretty much no treatment for my shitty joints I use mostly compression braces made for sporty people. It really is amazing how much a bit of tight fabric can do to keep my wrist in place.

More specialized braces often have solid parts to prevent the joints from hyper-extending (bending the wrong way) and causing further damage. If you ever see someone with what looks like diamond shaped rings around a bunch of their finger joints, chances are those are Ring Splints, and are there to keep the finger shaped like a finger. I want to get my hands on some and get some on my hands Very Badly, because my fingers hyper-extend SO MUCH when I type, and it makes my hand pain way way worse.

KT tape is another thing people often use. It’s stretchy tape you put on your skin and it basically functions kinda like a second ligament as well as reinforcing the joint and keeping the bones mostly where they’re supposed to be. The problem with this is a lot of people with EDS have very sensitive and fragile skin like I mentioned before, so KT tape can cause allergic reactions, chronic skin irritation, or just straight up take the skin with it when someone goes to remove it. Hence a lot of folks are really careful with it.

Physical Therapy is kinda the best (and only) treatment for joint laxity aside from Very Invasive and sometimes Highly Experimental surgery. It focuses on strengthening the muscles around the joints so they can do the work all those bone ropes made of body glue can’t. The problem is finding a physical therapist that 1) knows what EDS even is, 2) knows you have it, and 3) knows how to treat it without doing stuff that’ll Phucking Hurt You Worse!! Because exercising wrong with EDS can do Permanent Damage!!!

Again most folks use a combination of all of these things, or have next to no access to them b/c healthcare sucks.

Anyway, on to one of my favorite topics, Chronic Pain!! One of the reasons this post took me so long!!!

Chances are if your character has chronic pain as a result of their EDS there are gonna be some things they hate, including stairs, rain, thunderstorms, stairs, hills, uneven terrain, oh and did I mention stairs??? It’s going to vary person to person, but almost everyone I’ve met with pain from EDS has complained about their knees. For me the most debilitating pain is in my fingers and wrists. They’re by far my least stable joints but I use them constantly for stuff like drawing, typing, and sewing.

Because my joint pain is so wide spread, like most people’s with hEDS, it effects every single part of my day to day life. I can’t carry a heavy ceramic plate, open a bottle, or even use my computer without pain. It’s practically impossible for me to get comfortable in any position be it sitting or laying down, and as you can imagine that makes it hard to sleep a lot of the time. Moving too much hurts, but so does sitting still. I’m constantly taking braces on and off or cracking/stretching my joints so they pop back into place and hurt less.

Also being in pain makes everything else That Much Worse. I get tired way faster than I did before my pain was this bad (I had chronic pain for a while before actually realizing it wasn’t normal to not be able to walk down the block without feeling like your foot bones are trying to escape). My sensory issues and anxiety disorder are more easily aggravated because my base level of comfort is way worse. It fucks with my depression. And OH BOY does it make my ADHD worse because being in pain is fucking distracting as hell and makes it harder to make decisions and switch tasks. Also my ADHD often makes my other symptoms worse cause I forget to take my meds, don’t drink enough water, or can’t find my fucking braces because the item eating black-hole that comes with ADHD stole them. The intersection of mental and physical disabilities is probably a rant for another time though, so back to chronic pain.

Does it suck? Yes, undoubtedly. Is this incredibly debilitating? Of course it is, I spent the last several months unable to feed myself without assistance because there was a staircase between my room and the kitchen and I could only manage to climb it once a day. Is it overwhelming? Definitely, I’ve frequently broken down crying from a combination of pain and frustration because I’m having a bad day and there’s no relief to be found. Am I able to predict when it’s going to rain with uncanny accuracy because any change in barometric pressure makes me feel like every bone in my body is trying to kill it’s neighbors? You bet your fucking ass I am!! Does it sometimes make me irritable, angry, and occasionally dismissive of when abled people get cold or a temporary injury because the stuff they’re complaining about is my life every single day and all avenues of treatment and recovery I have could take years and still not entirely solve my issues? Yeah, and while I deserve a little extra patience I also have to be sure to check myself because I don’t want to turn into someone who’s nasty to be around. Do I sometimes need to sleep for 17 hours straight because it’s raining, I have migraine, and I’m in too much pain to be conscious? Yup, sometimes a few days in a row. Does living in constant pain mean I’m unable to do all the things I want to and does that sometimes make me wanna curl up in bed and never leave? Yeah, it happens.

But! And here’s the big important but, that’s not everything! I still write, draw, and talk to my friends!! It might take me a little longer but I get there. I’m still happy and excitable and make the time to write out five page long posts about EDS because it’s something I’m passionate about! My chronic pain doesn’t stop me. I refuse to let it. I never really wanted to go mountain climbing anyway, so I’m perfectly happy being able to make it up and down the six steps in my house, even if sometimes I have to sit and bump down them on my ass, or crawl up them like a cat. Chronic pain isn’t all I am. It isn’t a fate worse than death. It isn’t the only thing your character should talk about (though I do talk about my pain a lot cause I’m a complainer about almost everything). You can have your character be hindered by their pain, realistically they would be. You can have them seek comfort, support, and relief. Other characters can commiserate and be sympathetic, but it doesn’t mean their whole life is going to be one big pity party, that would be incredibly fucking boring. I know I’d be bored out of my mind.

All that said dealing with chronic pain, especially from EDS, is Complicated. Physical Therapy is the gold standard, but like I said before it can be a long and difficult process, and isn’t always accessible. Stabilization methods like I talked about before can help prevent pain, or reduce it by keeping bones mostly where they belong. Heat and cold help joints, relax muscles, and reduce inflammation but keeping them applied is rough and the relief doesn’t always last. Doctors prescribe anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sometimes even anti-epileptic medication to help manage pain, but everyone’s mileage with those varies. And I’m not at all qualified to talk in-depth about narcotics or other heavy duty pain-meds, but suffice to say the war on drugs fucked shit up for people that legit need that kind of help BIG TIME.

Now for my closer/bonus rant about EDS and Disability Writing in General!

Everyone always says write what you know, so if you really want to do disabled people justice, get to know disabled people! Make friends with disabled people, get involved with advocacy groups, consume content made by disabled creators both about disability and not! Disabilities are so fucking diverse, even EDS is such a complex disorder, and comes with so many potential co-morbidities, that practically everyone with it has a unique experience. There’s no way I can fully explain everything in a tumblr post. Hell, even if I could talk to you for hours probably couldn’t give you enough info to answer all your questions (especially since I’m still in diagnosis hell :,) ), so talk to a wide range of people with EDS and other disabilities!! I know it sounds like a lot of work but trust me, disabled people are some of the strongest, raddest, coolest, people you will ever meet that it won’t feel like it.

And don’t be afraid either, the fact that EDS and other disabilities are so wildly varied means that you have a little bit of wiggle room with your character’s experience. There’s so little disability rep out their I think people are WAY to scared to try their hand at writing it. So long as your character is a fully developed person in addition to being disabled, you give some logical thought as to how it would affect their life, and you don’t make their disability the butt of any joke it isn’t difficult to avoid ableist writing. PLEASE WRITE MORE DISABLED PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH CHRONIC PAIN/CHRONIC ILLNESS!!

Okay that’s it, again sorry it took so long for me to get back to you! My fingers were being little pests about it, and my ADHD (which is honestly more disabling than everything else a lot of the time lmao) was being an asshole! Hope this helps, and feel free to ask me more questions if you need clarification! It might take me a bit but I do love talking about this stuff.

#neela-chaan #ehlers danlos syndrome #EDS #hEDS #hypermobile ehlers danlos #disability #writing advice #disability writing #Chronic Pain #asks #SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG IM JUST SLOW #also i'm sorry the formatting is such a wreck #my adhd won't let me go back and fix it #and i've already spent way too much time

[fydream]

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✰ how to be a heartbreaker

↳ so what happens when park jisung, the school’s infamous fuckboy runs into the new girl at school? out of boredom he decides it’ll be fun to have someone new to play with, but little does he know, she’s learning how to be a heartbreaker.

a/n: hi! an authors note before this chapter begins! 1. yes i know the formatting is different but that’s only because this chapter is 5.9k words long!! (yes you heard me!! 5.9k!! that’s the most ive written for anything published on this blog!!) so there will be a cut bc i know it’s annoying to scroll past long posts haha. 2. i know i didn’t mention it in this chapter but i just wanted to say that if you did want to listen to music while reading this, during y/n and jisung’s scene you should definitely listen to euphoria by bts and that jeno and donghyuck’s song is i.l.y. by the rose. i hope u guys enjoy!

An hour or so later you're running out your front door to meet Jisung, who already regrets saying he'll wait.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-" You apologize. "I didn't mean to take that long you must've been bored out of your mind!"

"It's okay." Jisung reassures. "We won't be there that long, we might be a little late to hoco if that's okay with you."

"That's fine!! Just let me text Donghyuck that I'm with you then."

"Okay."

The ride to where Jisung is taking you is quiet, nothing but his various hums to the music he plays as as he drives. It's nice, it reminds you of the first time he gave you a ride home. Quiet, but comfortable.

Instead of looking at your phone you look out the window, then take a second to look at Jisung before looking back out the window again.

You so weren't slick about it either because he notices how you quick you look away and how eager you are to sneak another glance.

"What?" He asks. "Why'd you look at me like that?"

"It's nothing.." You mumble, trying best to hide the smile that's slowly creeping up on your face.

"C'mon." He insists. "Tell me!!" He tries to make it sound like he doesn't care about the topic that much, but his vocal chords work against him as it comes out as a whine.

"Nothing.. It's just.. You look like that, and I look like this.."

"What, you mean beautiful like always?"

Jisung makes note of how quickly your cheeks turn pink at the comment he made.

"You can't just say that!" You argue.

"Yes I can, you're my date tonight after all. What kind of person would I be to not compliment their date?"

You open your mouth, about to speak before he cuts you off from your thought. "And don't worry y/n. I'll take that look as a compliment itself." He snickers.

"Hey!" You shout, earning another laugh from him.

"Hey Jisung?" You ask once the giggles die down.

"Hm?"

"Don't tell anyone I've said this but um.." You start, trailing off at the last part. "Donghyuck has uh, told me things.. about you." You notice how he looks at you, how the expression on his face quickly changes from happy and carefree, to concerned and worried. "I know you probably know what I'm talking about.. I uh- I can kinda.. tell.."

"Yeah." He whispers, trying to block out what you just told him.

"But y'know. I think he's got you all wrong."

"You do?" He asks, a bit too eagerly.

"I do." You say. "From the past how many weeks? Of knowing you, we've gotten close. And I don't think you're anything like that, at least, not anymore.. I've seen the difference between how you act in class and when you're with Jeno and Jaemin, than how you are when we're together and I'd like to hope it isn't just an act. I'm not stupid, y'know."

"I never said you were, I never thought you were either."

"I know. You're not too hard to read, y'know."

For once, Jisung is left speechless. This is the first time anyone has really brought this up on him and he has no idea how to respond. Questions begin to flood his thoughts as he begins to wonder what do you know. Do you know the real reason why he asked you out? How long have you known? What if you never want to talk to him again?

"I-" He tries to speak, but nothing comes out.

"It's okay. I don't know everything about you." You scoff, watching as the boy next to you lets out an exhale. "I don't know that much, but I know enough."

"Enough?" He asks.

"Enough to know that if you are going to break my heart, you should do it right now. Because this is the part where I'm about to tell you how much I like you, and I don't want you getting that satisfaction."

Once you're done talking, you give him a smile. It's a small, innocent, bittersweet smile. It's one of the smiles you would give out to other girls who were ever mean to you, it's subtle, but it gets the point across.

"So what'll be? Park Jisung." You ask, awaiting a response.

Jisung has many things to think about right now, the most important one being driving. He still has yet to process everything you just told him, let alone figure out what to say.

"I.. don't know what to tell you, y/n." He sighs. "I don't want to hurt you.. Can you give me a few minutes?"

"You can have all the time in the world, sweetheart."

When Jisung finally decides to talk to you once you've reached your destination. If you're going to be honest, it was the most awkward car ride you've been in.

"Okay." He starts, closing his car door. "I know that was way more than a few minutes but I just wanted to tell you this here."

The spot that he had taken you to was a little hill area, on the other side of town. From the top of it you could see the sun set as it's golden rays covered the place you called home. You weren't going to lie, it was beautiful indeed but you didn't care for it at the moment. What you wanted to know was what he was going to say.

"I was.. gonna tell you this here no matter what happened so uh.. Here goes nothing?" There's hesitation, and you can already tell that whatever he was going to tell you was something big. "I'm not here to break your heart, y/n. I know, that's what you thought and probably what everyone else thought too but.. you're different. I know this."

Your brain wants you to call bullshit on that statement but your heart prevents you from doing so. The logical part of you believes that it's probably all a lie, an act just to get you to fall for him. You know this. You know the stories, you've seen the receipts of what he's done to people before you, and you can only assume the things he'll do just to make you fall for him. But if you knew this, then why does it still work?

"Am I really different?" You ask, looking up at him with shaky eyes.

He chuckles.

"Well, yeah. For starters, you're the first girl to ever call me out on my bullshit like that so.." He jokes. "I know.. you're scared. But you shouldn't be." He whispers. "You really are different. I promise."

"Listen, Jisung." You start. "I really want to believe you. It's just hard, because you haven't really given me a reason on why I should."

"That's okay. I understand." He says softly. "I didn't expect you to."

For a second, your heart breaks. It would've continued if he didn't continue talking right then and there.

"But what if I told you all the reasons why you should?" He asks, giving you a shy smile.

"What are they?"

"Well first of all. You're smart. You're smarter than I'll ever be. You've figured me out in what? The span of three months? You don't give yourself enough credit than you deserve. Second of all, you're really passionate about a lot of things. Like that time we argued in the library over the best Stranger Things season? Even though you were wrong, you kept arguing against me."

"Hey!" You exclaim, while Jisung gives you a smile in response.

"Third of all, you're really cute. Don't think I don't notice how your nose scrunches whenever I make a comment you don't like, or how easily you get excited over the simplest things. Remember when we walked to the cafe across the street from school? You got excited because the place had good boba, out of all things. Do you know how ridiculous you sounded?"

"Well- yeah! That's because it was a cafe! And not a boba shop!" You defend.

"I'm kidding." He chuckles. "Also, did you know that whenever you get embarrassed over something not only your cheeks turn pink, but your nose does too."

"You can stop now.. y'know.." You mumble.

"These are just a few things that I like about you, y/n. Do I need to tell you all of them for you to believe me?" He asks, looking at you innocently, as if he didn't just give you the biggest ego boost of all time.

"I believe you." You giggle as he pulls you in for a tight hug.

"Thanks, love." He whispers, placing a light kiss on the top of your head. "Now it's your turn. What were you going to tell me in the car?"

The next hour or so is spent with you two talking about each other, both of you giving out compliments as if there were no tomorrow. If it weren't for the sun being completely gone then you two probably wouldn't have noticed how long you've been alone together.

"Oh my god." Jisung exclaims. "What time is it?"

"Uhm.. Seven fifteen?" You respond, quite confused on why he was suddenly freaking out.

"We have to go, now. They're going to close the doors in like ten minutes."

"Oh. Okay!" You smile, eagerly skipping back to Jisung's car with his hand intertwined with yours. "We better get going then, huh?"

"Y/n said that she might be late because she's with Jisung already." Donghyuck tells Renjun and Chenle once pull up in front of his house.

Renjun had driven both of them together due to them only being a block away from each other. Donghyuck on the other hand was going to drive you, but when you texted him that you were already with Jisung he decided to ask Renjun for a ride. "Sorry for the inconvenience.. by the way." He mumbles, buckling his seat belt.

"It's alright. Where do you think they went?" Renjun asks.

"Hell if I know. This is the most I've seen Jisung do for anyone." Donghyuck retorts, clearly bitter about being ditched by his best friend.

"Should we be worried?" Chenle asks.

"I don't think so." Donghyuck responds. "Y/n is her own person and she can handle herself, plus what the fuck is Jisung even gonna do? They probably went to take pictures or something."

Chenle shrugs. "I guess so. How are you doing then?"

"What do you mean?"

Chenle shrugs again. "You know what I mean. During the time you two fought you barely said anything to each other, it was just her hanging out with Jisung. Then, even after you made up she ditched us to hang out with him and even now they're probably on a date before the dance or something. How are you dealing with it?"

Once Chenle is done talking, Renjun shoots him a glare before hitting him lightly on the back of his head.

"Ouchie.. That hurt!" Chenle whines. "Aren't you supposed to be driving Junnie.~~" He teases.

"Yeah but I'm also trying to make sure no one fucking cries tonight." He hisses. "Why would you even ask that?"

"I dunno. Was curious I guess?"

"Haven't you heard the phrase curiosity killed the cat?"

"It's been alright." Donghyuck says to prevent Renjun from harming Chenle any more. "I haven't really thought about it I guess? I mean.. I was the one who assigned her to Jisung after all so.."

"Do you think she y'know? Likes him?" He asks.

"Chenle!"

"Whaaaat?? I'm just asking."

"Zhong Chenle you will drop this topic before I stop this car and make you walk to homecoming alone."

"You wouldn't do that. You love me too much."

"Don't try me." Renjun threatens, turning on his blinker.

"Okay okay.. god.."

"Are you two done arguing now?" Donghyuck asks, rolling his eyes. "And no, Chenle. I don't think she does. If she did she would've told me by now."

"Alright Hyuck.. Whatever you say."

Sooner than later the three arrive at school where Renjun drops off Chenle and Donghyuck to hop in the line already forming before leaving to park his car.

"Ask any more questions Lele, and you're walking home." Renjun threatens before Chenle slams the car door on him.

"I mean it this time!" Renjun yells as he watches the two boys walk away from him.

"So." Chenle starts as Renjun drives off. "What's your answer?"

Donghyuck gives him a confused look. "Answer?"

"To y'know.. the question."

"I already told you."

"No silly, I meant your real answer."

Donghyuck is silent for a second before he decides to answer.

"How did you know?" He asks, and Chenle giggles.

"You just told me." He laughs. "I didn't think you'd walk into that one, Hyuck."

"Oh shut up." Donghyuck teases. "It's not like it would matter or anything."

"I supposed you're right." Chenle hums. "But if it did.. Then what?"

"Then I'd tell her to get out of there." Donghyuck whispers to himself.

"Hm?"

"Oh- uh, nothing. I dunno." Donghyuck responds. He knows he has no chance in fooling Chenle but even after that response you'd know not to bother him about the topic anymore.

Once Renjun is done parking he meets up with the two boys and they discuss about how their night will go. While the line slowly moves Renjun argues with Chenle that they should take photos first. Chenle argues back saying that he wants snacks and that all the good ones will be gone if they wait too long. While this goes on Donghyuck has been sending you frequent texts.

[hyuck: hey! we're in line now! see you in a bit?]

[hyuck: are you on your way soon?]

[hyuck: pls hurry.. renle fighting.. dk what to do..]

Needless to say, you haven't responded to any one of them, leaving Donghyuck wonder what you were even doing.

After successfully waiting in line and making it through their schools quick security check, Chenle, Renjun, and Donghyuck had finally made it inside the gymnasium where the dance was being held.

Once inside they move to an quieter place, where they could talk without having to yell over the already loud music that's being played.

"What about you Hyuck?" Renjun asks. "What do you want to do first?"

"Hmm? What? Sorry." Donghyuck responds, checking his phone once more before pocketing it. "What's happening?"

Renjun frowns. "You weren't listening, huh?"

"No, sorry." He apologizes. "Y/n hasn't texted me back yet and I don't want to do anything until she gets here y'know?"

"Don't worry Hyuck, it's possible they're still outside or something. They just opened the doors y'know."

"Yeah I know.. I'm just.. yeah."

Ten minutes later, you still haven't responded and the music is loud, but it's not loud enough to drown out Donghyuck's heartbeat as he frantically awaits your arrival. As each second passes by he begins to regret letting you go with Jisung, because you're never late, but the second that he lets Jisung control how your night starts you're ten minutes late and they're be closing the doors to the dance soon.

Renjun begins to notice that you aren't here either and decides walk over to Donghyuck to ask if he knew where you were.

"Hyuck, is Y/n here yet?" He asks, tapping his shoulder lightly.

Donghyuck gives no verbal response, instead he shakes his head while he fiddles with his phone checking back if you happened to text him. "I don't know where she is Junnie.."

"Hey, it's okay." He reassures. "It's not like she's in danger or anything, I know you don't trust Jisung that much but I doubt he'd do anything to hurt her. She'll be here soon, okay? I promise."

"Junnie~~" Chenle whines, popping up from behind them. "I'm boredddd. Can't we just do something already?"

"Lele, not now." Renjun shoos. "We're talking here."

"It's okay." Donghyuck says. "You guys can go do something, it's fine. I don't want to keep you from having fun tonight."

"Are you sure?" Renjun asks, he knows not to believe Donghyuck but he's getting quite annoyed at the fact that Chenle keeps pulling at his arm.

"Yeah. It's fine, if anything happens I'll text one of you."

"You heard him!! Let's go!!" Chenle exclaims before grabbing Renjun by the arm to drag him to god knows where.

"Chenle!" Renjun yelps. "I-I'll text you Hyuck! We won't be gone for long. I swear!" He yells back at him.

And then the two were gone. Leaving Donghyuck alone, by himself.

One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling alone, in a place full of people.

He doesn't know why he let them go off without him, maybe it's because he wanted to be alone, or maybe it's because he didn't know any better. But standing alone on the sides of a school dance, with no one to talk to really shows how lonely you are. He knows none of you meant to do it to him on purpose, it's just him overthinking things after all. But if he was okay with them leaving, then why did it hurt?

Deciding it was awkward enough to just stand there and people watch, Donghyuck decides to go back on his phone. He checks your text messages only to see no response. "Great." He thinks to himself. "You said you would be here, but you're not. I guess you did spend a lot of time with them after all."

Donghyuck feels himself about to cry when someone taps his shoulder. He closes his eyes trying to fight back the few tears that threaten to spill before having to talk to whoever was with him. He didn't want to answer any questions on why he was crying, only knowing that if someone asked him if he was okay he wouldn't be able to control them.

When Donghyuck looks up from his phone, the last person he expected to see is standing in front of him.

"Hi." Jeno greets. It's short, and airy. But it's just enough to get his heart racing. Is it from fear? Worry? Or is it from the fact that his ex, just so happened to catch him at the wrong place and wrong time.

"Hi." Donghyuck responds. It doesn't mean much because he didn't put any emotion into it, instead he decides to focus his attention elsewhere. He looks past Jeno towards the entrance of the gymnasium in hopes of seeing you walk in, spoiler alert, you didn't. "Chenle and Renjun picked the worst time to leave.." He thinks to himself. "I can't blame them though, after all I did tell them it was okay."

"You um- You look beautiful." Jeno compliments, giving Donghyuck a half-hearted smile. "So I've been told.." Donghyuck murmurs before attempting to push past the boy standing in front of him. "Listen. I don't have any time for this right now. Y/n said she would be here and she's not so-"

"Hyuck- Donghyuck, wait." Jeno starts, grabbing Donghyuck's wrist to prevent him from going any further.

"What the fuck? Let go of me!" He yells. It's loud enough to get the attention of a few people around him, but the music the DJ is playing is way to loud for them to have heard what he said.

"Hyuckie, I- Will you please let me explain?" Jeno practically begs, this is the first time that he and Donghyuck have interacted in person since the break up and he can already tell that he's blowing it.

"Don't- Don't call me that." Donghyuck states, hesitant to answer. "You've already explained yourself enough."

"Hyuckie.. Please. We haven't talked in months, you haven't let me say anything."

Of course, Jeno had to find Donghyuck in one of these moments, where one of their songs was being played by the DJ. It was one of the songs that Jeno had showed him, meaning it left such a big impact on his heart. He doesn't know what to do, does he accept Jeno's offer and let him explain? Or does he continue the rest of his high school career pretending that Jeno doesn't exist, leaving many questions unanswered.

Panic starts to fill Donghyuck as he looks around to see if anyone had noticed him and Jeno together. It would cause a bunch of talk, considering that fact that they were both pretty popular and that teenagers loved to start rumors.

He notices Jaemin as he spots Jeno from across the room, by the way Jaemin is walking towards them he can tell that he was looking for Jeno himself, clearly unhappy and very confused where he found him. He glances back at the entrance for a split second before looking towards the direction that his two friends had gone off in, only to see them walking back towards him, just as confused as Jaemin is. He can see the concern rise in Renjun once he sees who Donghyuck is with, as he grabs Chenle's arm to drag him across the makeshift dance floor that their school has created, where Chenle had decided to stop to talk to a few friends.

He looks back towards the entrance and to his luck he sees you and Jisung walk in. Thankful, he lets out a sigh of relief because he sees that you're here and that you're safe. He notices the smile that you have on your face and though he was a bit far away he can tell it's a genuine smile, like one of the one's you would show him when it was just you two hanging out. "I guess I worried for nothing." He thinks to himself, as he watches you two skip in, hands intertwined.

And amongst all this commotion happening at once, his ex, out of all people had to come up to him and ask him a question he knew he wouldn't be able to answer. So what does he do? He panics, of course.

"Oh my fucking god.." Donghyuck mumbles to no one in particular. Jeno seems to hear it but he doesn't process it because he's too busy being dragged by Donghyuck who was attempting to blend in with the big group of people who happened to pass by.

When Renjun, Chenle, and Jaemin end up where Donghyuck and Jeno were previously standing they're left more confused on where the two went. Though it's loud, Donghyuck manages to pick out Renjun's voice yell "What the fuck?" over a crowd of teenagers.

Donghyuck smiles to himself, knowing that he successfully got away. He didn't think it'd work, he'd only seen it in movies before and you know what people say, it's just movie magic after all.

"Where are we going?" Jeno asks innocently.

"Outside." Donghyuck responds, leading their way towards the "exit" sign on the other side of the gymnasium.

"Why?" Jeno asks once more, and Donghyuck turns around just to shoot him a glare.

"So no one. fucking. sees us." He grits through his teeth.

Needless to say, Jeno doesn't ask any more questions after that.

"Where is everyone?" You ask Jisung through the fit of giggles you let out.

"I dunno. Jeno isn't answering his phone so I'll call Jaemin, yeah?" He responds, just as giddy as you are.

"Oh, I was talking about Renjun, Chenle, and Hyuck."

"You can hang with us for a bit!" Jisung insists.

"I know but I haven't seen them all day." You pout. "I'll hang out with you after!! Besides, they're my best friends after all. How would you feel if I took you away from Jeno and Jaemin?"

"My dear you're allowed to do that any day of the week. I like you better than them anyways." He teases.

"Oh shut up. You know what I meant." You snort. "Can we just go find them please?"

"Yeah, hold on- Hi Jaemin!" Jisung says through his phone. "What? Sorry.. I can't really hear you. Is that Renjun? Why is he yelling at you?"

Your ears perk up hearing the name of your friend leave Jisung's mouth. "Renjun?" You ask, looking at him curious. "Are they okay?"

Jisung nods at you while trying to hear what Jaemin has to say, it's hard considering the fact that there's not only loud music coming from his phone speakers but the voice of an angry boy as well, and to add onto that, the same music being played just a couple feet away from you.

Pouting, you look at him. Jisung can tell you're worried about your friends by the way that your pupils shake as he pulls you into another tight hug, hoping to ease a bit of the worry.

From then you can kind of make out the conversation on the phone, it's something about Jeno and Donghyuck being together then suddenly disappearing out of thin air, like a magic trick.

"Where are you?" Jisung asks.

"We're in one of the back corners." Jaemin yells through his phone. "The uhh.. One on the right, your left."

"Okay. We're on our way." Jisung says before hanging up.

"I guess our night of fun had to end somewhere." He tells you before you two head further into the gymnasium to meet up with your friends.

Once you meet up with the three boys you're greeted with a hug from Chenle while you watch as Renjun and Jaemin argue.

"So they were right here?" You ask tapping Renjun's shoulder.

"Yeah. And then all of a sudden they disappeared." He says, quite frantically.

"Y'know worrying isn't going to do anything." Jaemin taunts.

"Yeah! And you making snarky comments doesn't help either!" Renjun shoots back.

"Can you two stop bickering a second?" Chenle snaps, surprising all of you. "We have no idea where the fuck they went and for the past five minutes all you two have done is argue? Why haven't we checked anywhere yet?"

"Because, Lele. They could be anywhere. We're in a room full of teenagers." Renjun states.

"For once, I agree with this one." Jaemin adds on, earning a glare from Renjun and a facepalm from Jisung.

"Okay? And? Have you ever thought about the fact that they could y'know, be outside?" Chenle asks.

"Why would they be outside?" You ask.

"Because it's loud in here, and it looked like they wanted to talk."

"So.." Jeno says, swinging his legs back and forth. He was currently seated on top of one of the picnic tables your school had, while Donghyuck was standing across from him, leaning against the corner of a wall.

"You said you would explain, so explain." Donghyuck states.

Jeno takes a deep breath as he stops swinging his legs, he looks at the ground before looking up towards Donghyuck who was already looking at him, clearly annoyed at the fact that Jeno was stalling.

"It was a dare." He starts, before Donghyuck cuts him off.

"Yes I know. We all know." He spits.

"But theres more." Jeno says once again. "As you know, Jisung dared me to ask you out and me, being the asshole I was back then, I agreed and decided to do so.." He pauses for a second. Trying to think of what to say next.

"Listen are you gonna keep stopping or are you going to tell the story?" Donghyuck comments, it's only been two minutes and he's already fed up with Jeno's bullshit.

"I am. I'm just trying to think about the right words to say."

"Why? So that I can fall back in love with you?"

"No, Hyuckie-"

"I said, don't call me that."

"Why?"

"Because Jeno!" Donghyuck yells, voice cracking as he tries to control the same tears from earlier from falling. "I am still in love with you! Each time I hear you say that stupid nickname my heart does leaps and I can't fucking stop it!"

His voice is loud enough for you to figure out where he is, and while the other students outside look around trying to find out what's going on, both you and Renjun take off running towards the sound of Donghyuck's voice.

Arriving in time to hear Donghyuck finish the last words of his sentence he can't tell if he's hurt or if he's relieved to see you. A sense of relief washes over him once he spots you, Renjun, and Chenle running in his direction. But then he sees Jisung and Jaemin, not that far behind you three, and he feels hurt, betrayed to say the most.

"So this is why you asked me, huh?" He scoffs, looking at Jeno with glossy eyes. "So you and your friends can get a little more enjoyment of my misery."

"Hyuckie- I-" Jeno starts.

"Save it. I don't ever want to hear from you again, Jeno. I can't believe I even believed you would tell me the truth."

Nothing more is said as Donghyuck walks away from all of you, and Jaemin and Jisung run towards Jeno. It's quiet, despite there being the sounds of the muffled music that's only being played from a hallway away, it feels like a horror movie with the unsettling silence between all of you.

Renjun is the first one to talk. His voice not only startles you, but grabs the attention of Jeno, Jisung, and Jaemin who happened to be a few feet in front of you.

"What the fuck happened?" He asks, looking at Jeno in the eye.

"I wanted to tell him that I'm sorry.. and that I missed things the way they were.." Jeno says, voice barely above a whisper.

Both you and Chenle can tell that Renjun is about to start yelling and if someone doesn't stop him now then fists will be thrown. Renjun is about to start talking again when Chenle interupts him.

"Junnie." He says softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. "It's not worth it. Let's just go find Hyuck, okay?" He eases.

Renjun takes a second to sigh and relaxes before deciding to head off with Chenle, he know's it'll only make things worse but he really wants to tell the three boys off and possibly throw a punch or two. "It's okay.." Chenle coos at him.

"Y/n, are you coming?" He asks, looking back at you.

"Uhh.. Yeah. Just give me a second. I'll meet up with you in a bit, okay? Just text me where you are." You say quickly before glancing over at Jeno and his crew.

Chenle looks at you, confused on why you were looking at Jeno. It only takes him a second to realize what you were doing before he walks off with a hesitant nod. "Um.. Okay.. Just uh, don't be long. I know Hyuck wanted to see you."

"Thanks Lele. You're the best." You say, before talking off towards Jeno.

"Lee Jeno." You state, standing where Donghyuck previously was. You earn a few glances from Jisung and Jaemin, ask if they were asking each other why you were here and how long you've been there. It's not because they were doing anything bad or wrong, it's because of the fact that they were caught being nice and genuine to one of their friends, something that barely anyone has seen before.

"Y/n." Jeno sniffs, trying his best to wipe away the tears that had managed to leak out. "What are- What are you doing here?"

"Save it." You say, walking towards him. You push Jaemin away as you take a seat on top of the table next to him. It earns you a glare from Jaemin, but you shrug it off and ignore him once he start's complaining that you stole his spot.

"Just- Just tell me everything." You sigh, awaiting a response from the boy next to you.

Jaemin shoots you another look before Jisung walks away with him, knowing this should be a private conversation. They don't go far though, just out of earshot.

"This is my fault." He starts. "If I just continued letting him hate me, then I wouldn't have hurt him like that.."

"It's not your fault, you just wanted to explain things. Do you want to tell me what you were going to tell him? Or is that too personal?" You ask.

Jeno is hesitant to answer. His first initial thought is no, but as the seconds go by his answer changes to yes.

"Start from the top. What happened?" You ask.

You're gentle, and being patient with him. It's something that he's thankful for. It's also something that reminds him of Donghyuck, because whenever the two of them had disagreements Donghyuck would always wait for Jeno to explain, this was the first time he hadn't.

"Okay well.." Jeno sniffs. "If you didn't already know.. Donghyuck and I used to date. Our relationship started off from a dare but as our months together passed by I began to enjoy his company a little bit more. I don't know what it was, and if you asked me I wouldn't be able to tell you but there was just something about him that I ended up liking. Maybe it's the way that his hair flopped on his face each time he ran up to me, or maybe it's because of how tightly he hugged me and how gentle his kisses were, but it was something." He pauses for a second, reliving through a few memories. "I ended up catching feelings.. and as soon as I figured out that I did, he found out how we got together."

"Oh." You sigh, not looking at him.

"I was going to tell him that I meant everything I told him.. All the 'I love you's' and the 'You look beautiful's' but he just wouldn't let me talk.. And then you guys came and that just- that only made things worse.. and now- god.. now he's gone. He said he never wants to see me again."

"I'm sorry, Jeno. It's my fault." You say softly, taking all the blame. "I'm the one who brought everyone here, if it weren't for me then you probably would be talking to him right now."

"It's okay." He reassures. "It's not your fault.. You just wanted to help your friend. I'm sure it would've gone poorly even if you weren't here."

"I doubt that's true."

"Are you kidding me y/n? He hates me! And he the worst part of it is that he has every right to do so.."

"I didn't know people who hated each other confess to each other about still liking one another." You joke, hoping to earn a laugh from Jeno. "Besides, it's not like you won't see each other again. You still have time to make things better, plus you have me on your side."

"My side?" Jeno asks.

"Well yeah. You still like him don't you?"

Jeno sighs, he's lucky you aren't paying that much attention to him because if you did you would've noticed the way he looked at Jisung and how it hurt him more to let you keep going on like this. Nonetheless he lets it happen and he wonders if he really does deserve your help.

"You're too good, y/n."

#fuckboy!jisung #fydream #neowritingsnet #jisung smau #jisung social media au #iisung sns au #jisung imagines #jisung fluff #jisung x reader #jisung fanfic #jisung soft hours #jisung timestamps #jisung scenarios #jisung blurbs #nct dream imagines #nct dream fluff #nct dream x reader #nct dream fanfic #nct dream soft hours #nct dream timestamps #nct dream scenarios #nct dream blurbs

[lululablette]

When it comes to dsmp specifically, there's 3 main things stopping me from getting into it:

1. It's so big lore-wise that I genuinely would not be able to keep up and I feel like I'd probably get lost/left behind (when I tried to understand it the first time, every time I THOUGHT I'd gotten a basic grip on it there ends up being more and THAT became frustrating instead of exciting)

2. I cannot stand Dream as a person (completely my own takeaway from seeing some of his tweets and some stream highlights, he's too much like an ex of mine and generally gives me ick vibes)

3. I know you say fanbase shouldn't dictate what you should enjoy but it still kinda does if you want something you can enjoy with people together and dsmp fits the definition of something to be enjoyed with multiple people. And blocking is only half the battle because the amount of people who take blocking as a personal attack and witchunt over it is ridiculous (general fandom statement, not dsmp specifically)

I like mcyt a little bit. I enjoy tommyinnits stuff and I knew Wilbur's stuff WAY before dsmp, like back in the Soot House days. Everything else though I would rather not deal with.

I’ll respond point by point to avoid crossing my statements lmao (i’m bad at organizing my thoughts) 1)yeah I completely get that, it’s safe to say that, mostly no one in the fandom is 100% on point with the lore. not even the streamers are. it’s all over the place and it keeps adding on and on. at first i tried to follow ALL of it, but thats just impossible. my take is that you should just follow a few side of the lore for the streams and then catch up with blogs that are dedicated to do a boil down of the lore streams you missed! but i get that it’s just time conssuming lol 2)I mean what can’t be helped, can’t be helped! if you don’t like how he acts, who am i to judge! i can say he’s a really sweet caring guy, but if it hits you on a more personal level, i can’t try to convince you that he’s not a bad guy! Though relatable bc George looks like one of my crushes who actually hurt me a lot a few years back, and yet HERE I AM! go figure! 3) i actually kind of contradicted myself lol, i both said you can enjoy a media without interracting with the fanbase, and also said that the fanbase is the core of fandoms and stuff like that. actually both can coexists. its hard to do, but you just need to find the ““right people”“ (and by that i mean, the people that you have fun interracting with) and while i do have tough skin and i genuinly don’t care if people give me shit for blocking them, i get that not everyone does! Though i haven’t blocked many people in the fandom, i mostly ignore them and avoid interraction and just vibe with my own mutuals. and thats fine too!! you don’t have to take the WHOLE cake! I watch only a few of the content creators of the DSMP, and that doesnt mean i watch everything they do (my hyperfixation does make me want to watchonly a lot of very specific creators lmao) I hope u can still enjoy tommy’s content or wilbur (if you still enjoy his recent stuff!) all the while avoiding toxic people in the fandom :] ty for the input!! 

#anon #ask #also ty for being civil about it #i was bracing myself to get shitton of hate but the few anons i got were actually rly polite #ig twitter rly did change me #huh #Anonymous

[theangrypokemaniac]

@its-whitetomorrow

I appreciate that you take the time out of your day to read my witterings, and respond to them in detail, but I'm somewhat intellectually limited and it takes a while to write an answer.

The final one is a bit of a problem. The original post is long, your bit is long, and my addition is probably twice both put together.

Did you know Tumblr has a limit: no more than two hundred and fifty text blocks per post? I discovered this from experience, unsurprisingly.

I think the only solution is to split it across several posts.

I wasn't going to say anything, but I suppose I should.

I started this blog last May, to relieve the boredom of my main embarrassment, whose only likes (all three of them) were from porn bots.

It wasn't even meant to be about Pokémon. I'd left the fandom years previously. It was odds and ends, but I happened to find a few silly screen shots so wrote a couple of joke remarks, not expecting a ripple of interest.

Within a couple of hours I got more notes than t'other's managed even to this day. I had the idea this was where I was more at home, so I started taking it seriously.

My pseudonym was just daft thing I'd made up previously, to reflect that, whilst still in love with old days, I'm not exactly pleased with how it's gone.

I thought it might stand out as memorable, plus I like acronyms, so it affords me the opportunity to call myself 'T.A.P.'

In the early days the focus was on the 'maniac' aspect. Anger as a description didn't fit at all. The farther back you go, the more stupid and clownish it gets. It's not been like this all the way through!

Seriously, it used to be an entertainment blog, designed to make people laugh. It's all ages: no swearing, no porn, nothing to put anyone off.

(This post under discussion contains the only profanity I've ever deployed. I thought saving it up might add some oomph.)

I mean it, it's was all light-hearted ridicule. Every so often, there would be a slightly cutting remark, but mild compared to now.

Then, last September, someone I spoke to regularly, who assured me we were friends, suddenly cut off all contact.

At first I wasn't aware of it, but by October it became too glaring a silence to ignore.

I thought rifts started because of massive disagreements, but as far as I remembered our last exchange ended normally.

I found out by accident that the reason for it was because I am repugnant and morally inferior and so swollen with my own ego that the existence of others doesn't register. Instead they are but soulless droids built to worship the great T.A.P. mollusc.

Well that was news to me. I had no idea I came across like that. As far as I knew, I was on my best behaviour when we interacted.

I was polite. I tried to be ingratiate myself. I kept talk to the fandom. I didn't pry. I attempted humour when the opportunity arose.

I thought I'd done all I could to be liked, but apparently I hadn't. It was a revolting experience for them, for all of saying they loved me and I was 'honey'.

It really, really, really got to me, and the feeling hasn't abated, if anything it's worse.

As I said, I don't know what I did wrong, and because I don't, I can't mend my ways. If I am this repellant waste of flesh I'd like to change, but if I'm not told my offence, what am I meant to do?

If what I thought was the best I could be wasn't good enough, and instead was so sickening I don't deserve their presence, then I have no idea how to interact with people.

Maybe every time I respond to someone, thinking I'm at worst, civil, is really grotesque conceit, because my arrogance is so extreme I'm not even aware it's there. In my head it sounds normal.

It'd be too easy to scoff that they were the one with the problem, but, given all the arguments that happen in life, it can't always be someone else's fault. It's got to be you at least once.

They obviously think they were justified, so who's to say they weren't?

You may say not to let it worry me, that I should just get over it, and you'd be totally right. Being bothered makes me feel pathetic and petty on top of the rest, but this is me you're talking to, not a sane person. Self-hatred is more instinctive to me than breathing.

I always dwell on the negative. If one hundred people were assembled, ninety-nine of whom declared me the most wonderful being ever to live, and one remarked I wasn't all that special, it's him I'd remember. 

It's called ghosting because that's what happens. There comes a moment when you accept that, no, it's over, rejected again, and it's like realising I'd died, and had been gone for a while.

Except I hadn't noticed the process, so I was always dead in a way, and they spoke to the silvery silhouette left behind, until that too dispersed into untraceable nothingness. Again,  the silence is my fault for dying, not theirs.

I feel there's no point in messaging anyone, because I'll only disgust them too. Some blogs encourage contact, and when I see it I always think:

Yeah, but they don't mean YOU.

If it's another person I already spoke to, I can't shut up. I bombard them with text in the hope they know I don't think they're a menial droid. Every one I immediately regret, and wish I could take back, because that will irritate them until I'm just a sad, nagging past.

The Ghost-Maker used to reblog 99% of my work. This dropped to nothing overnight, so not only am I worthless, but so is everything I do.

Posts G.M. didn't like got 0-5 notes. Ones they did had 20+. Many a time, it took their reblog for anyone else to notice.

It was like others used that blog as a filter to pull the fool's gold from the murk of this one. Once their favour evaporated, so did a lot of the goodwill from elsewhere, so it's was as if Tumblr agreed I was scum.

Saying that above just shows they were right, because it takes one smug bastard to believe their existence registers with anyone else.

Please don't think I'm demanding likes, that my stuff deserves them, although as I'm arrogant I am. It's just that 99% to 0% is a bit of a fall.

Up til then, I held back much of what I thought about the current state of the anime, as they liked it, but now I have no reason to stop.

If I'm to be accused of all these vices I might as well have them. I'm dead, so who cares what I say? No one listens to a ghost.

It's not that I'm unconcerned if I upset anyone, it's just the truth that I don't matter enough for what I write to be valued enough to offend.

As a ghost, I think of this blog as invisible. It's there, but not really, so how can anyone mind?

Incidentally, the first week I was here I got blocked by someone who hates all fans from the Nineties. I don't care about that, as they sound like a cretin, and I'd have to be defective to gain their approval.

I just want to say I find that moronic. I don't hate new fans at all. I wouldn't block someone because we disagreed.

Blocking denies people access to your blog, stating they don't deserve your ART. That's arrogant to me.

Blocker likes Ghost-Maker, but...

Ever since around October, I've progressively become angrier and angrier. Whenever I'm here or Pokémon enters my head, it just reminds that I'm pond slime, about the most crude, malformed half-life freak you can envision.

I don't like being here anymore. I keep intending to leave, the site and the fandom, and set fire to it all before I go, wipe away the slug trail to spare people's stomachs.

I kept quiet until now, but holding it in just made it more intense. If I may describe myself in ridiculously flattering terms, I feel like a shaken champagne bottle, but the cork is welded in, so the only option is for the glass to shatter.

If anyone's reading this, wondering where the fun went, well this is why I flipped. The red mist won't clear. I can't see beyond it.

I won't name Ghost-Maker, because I don't want to start anything, plus most will take their side. They may see this as they still rifle round these parts occasionally for posts that aren't mine.

Well done, Ghostie. You're the lucky one. We'll never meet and you haven't seen me. Pity the poor sods I've encountered. There must be vomit trails across the land provoked by my vile condition. I wasn't aware of this until you let me in on the secret.

There's an English television presenter called Caroline Flack. She killed herself yesterday and everyone loved her. I feel guilty that I'm alive and she's not.

#Pokémon #Tumblr

[peachymess]

You obviously don't give a shit about Eren. You bleat on about "how you care about his mental health" when it's obvious that you don't. The ocean doesn't mean freedom anymore. I mean, if I had seen my aunts mangled, bloody body, my father get tortuted, and if I'd found out that I have a brother and that I'd killed my stepmother, I'd be pretty mentally fucked like Eren. The fact that shippers like you blatantly ignore the fact that Eren is mentally ill and brand him as an uncaring friend -

- Leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth regarding the ship. what you shippers don’t realise is that ere//min consists of two characters. EREN and ARMIN. But all you seem to care about is Armin’s happiness, and not Eren’s. It’s getting tiring and to be quite frank, I’m getting sick of seeing the manga being described as if it was a romance and the constant pasting of ere///min on everything, even when Eren and armin aren’t even present in a chapter.

Uh… wow, ok, that came out of nowhere? Listen, anon, I don’t know what got you set off, but you must have the wrong person. Because I actually care a whole lot about Eren and his mental state! Actually, saying I only care about Armin in general, is a falsehood. And I was going to be nice, but you know what… actually, how dare you? You have no idea how many nights I’ve spent awake crying over Eren! I can barely stand to look at him since 90, just because it pains me so much to see how withered and how much pain he is in! You have no idea how many times I’ve flooded the chat to my best friend about how sad I am for Eren, how worried I am for his future and his mental state! Only two days ago, me and my roomie were re-watching season one and I couldn’t shut up whining and sqealing over how cute little baby Eren was and how much I love him and how sad I was about the current state of things. You either don’t follow me, which means you’re going off on a person you don’t know the stance of (which is really unfair), or worse: you do follow me, yet somehow fail to read between the lines as well as realize that my blog does not feature every single thought that goes through my head! Eren is my second most favorite character in SNK, and my favorite main character of any story ever! I absolutely love him - when someone says “main character”, I see Eren (officially taking Harry Potter’s slot, the main I grew up alongside)! When I learned about Ymir’s curse and an ere//mika shipper said us ere//min fans would probably see this as a chance to make cute heaven fics, I said (and wholeheartedly meant) that I’d rather see the two of them alive and well, and with different people, than have my ship confirmed in death. Ere//min as a romantic ship is not the only thing I care about! I care about the characters - and their bond first and foremost! How dare you come to me - not even behind a name to own up to your own words - and tell me that you know better than me who I care and don’t care about?! If, for some ridiculous reason, you went off from seeing the most recent ask I answered, and you’re mad because you saw me say we should appreciate the ere//min moments we have, I think you fail to realize that regardless of how things are now, Eren and Armin have up until now had a very tight bond that was good and is relevant to appreciate! I did not say the ocean scene was part of those “sweet” moments! 

You say I bleat on about his mental health, but not actually mean it - who’re you to judge what I mean and don’t mean? How can I even “do care”, if every time I show care, it’s just branded as a lie? And how unfair isn’t it that you say I “bleat on” about how I care about his mental illness, but a second later you say I “ignore the fact that he’s mentally ill”?! Oh, and for the record, I did not say the ocean represents freedom anymore… I’ve actually said exactly what you say, many times (that it’s bigger now). As for putting ere//min where it isn’t - that’s what shipping communities do, mostly for fun and not in complete honesty! If you’re tired of seeing people joke that Armin probably spent the night in Eren’s cell, then don’t follow ere//min blogs or the tag. If you don’t like this ship, I’m not forcing you to. This topic of ere//min blogs not caring about Eren was recently brought up elsewhere, and I read all those posts with respect (I even sent in an ask myself, talking calmly about the matter). I see where people are coming from when they say they worry their favorite is being neglected, but I do not think it’s in it’s place to project opinions onto others instead of asking them for their real POV - like you’ve now done with me!I do care about Eren. Ere//min in the romantic way is not my first priority, nor was it the first element to appear on this blog. And if I blog about Armin and leave out the rest, it does not mean I do not care about anything else. Talk to me off anon (note: I said talk, not throw a fit), or get off my blog. How dare you. 

#anon #anon hate