#its all numb anyways

[ruporas]

invisible scars (referenced previous talk here)

[ID: A colourless, digital Trigun comic of Vash and Wolfwood talking about Wolfwood's scars. They're both laying in bed and topless. Vash lays on top of Wolfwood, playing with the rosary around his neck. Then, Vash kisses a spot on Wolfwood's chest. Wolfwood asks, "What are you doing?" Vash smiles sadly, "You got shot here. In the last town we visited. You didn't even bother moving."

Vash props himself up over Wolfwood, who frowns slightly. Wolfwood is quiet for a moment before he says, "You remember that, huh?" Vash grabs Wolfwood's left wrist and brings it to his face. "And here." He kisses another spot there. "When you helped free the hostages from that robber..." Wolfwood dismissively says, looking away, "Was a lucky shot." Vash huffs, “Don’t brag. Jeez.”

Half of Wolfwood's expression is shown, eyes returning to Vash who is now sitting up, continuing to say, "And..." Vash goes on and kiss Wolfwood's right palm. "You got cut here, even though that girl was aiming at me." A moment from the past flashes, of Wolfwood grabbing a knife aimed at Vash, his hand bleeding.

At present, Vash moves down and puts another kiss on Wolfwood's right shoulder. "And here, from watching my back." Another memory flashes of Wolfwood and Vash back to back. Vash looks back as Wolfwood grins while holding Punisher, bleeding from multiple gunshots in his shoulder.

"And," Vash combs up Wolfwood's hair to reveal his forehead, "Here." A final memory shows Wolfwood with a regeneration vial in his mouth while getting shot on his temple. The next panel is framed in blood with Vash at the center, eyes wide and stunned in horror. The next panel is a closed up shot of Wolfwood's eye, locked on Vash's face.

Back to present, Vash’s head is bowed down as Wolfwood raises a hand to his nape and says, “Spikey.”

Wolfwood looks serious and frowns as he says, "We talked about this. Those were my decisions. They're not there anymore. Forget about them." Vash looks very sad before he smiles ruefully and says, "I still see them. All the time." He leans down so they touch foreheads. Wolfwood’s sorrowful expression can be seen as Vash says, "You protect so much. I could never forget what you've done to me. And many others..."

In the last image, they're drawn more cartoonishly. Wolfwood sweats and asks, "You don't actually remember every wound, right?" Vash points at a spot on his chest. "Kuroneko left a scratch here 7 times." Wolfwood, startled, says, "Why the hell are you keeping count—" End ID]

Credits for ID here and here

#vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #trigun #trigun maximum #another scars comic for one of the vw week days!!!! frankly i think about their scars WAY too often . most notably wolfwood's because #it really symbolizes a lot for him imo bc for vash it's a history of all the people that's ever harmed him betrayed him and the trust he has #given to humanity despite it all. its a beautiful reflection of his character and then u look at ww and presumably #since we dont really see him half naked Ever (shame) and i mean. i guess technically its a hc -- i assume he wouldn't have any scars bc #of the regen potions (which is why he doesnt have his t scars btw the regen pot took them away :pensive:) #in a way its like washing his hands of blood. giving him the body of someone who might never been involved in a fight never held a gun #but he knows thats not true yet he cant really do anything about it anyway bc he's still just human. if he stops taking the regen pots #he can't press forward. so its just a rinse and repeat and growing accustomed to whats inflicted on him because he knows it'll go away at #the end of the day. he's human but he's also not he's far beyond what could be considered a normal human but he still just is. #mortal but also not immortal. idk. i overthink about it a lot GMSKGMDK frankly i dont think it matters THAT much in the context of trimax #but it means a lot to me somehow. also thinking about how no matter how many times ww kills he's never numb to the sensation of it. maybe #the adrenaline gets to him for the beginning half but ive been rereading like.. vol 3? and that entire fight for ww #u can slowly see him spiral as he keeps on going on. anyway anyway. i love ww #ruporas art

[oswlld]

still processing some thoughts so who knows if what ill say will change tomorrow but imo i think the ep11 ending would have achieved the same outcome, down to the exact motivations mork and day had going into their relationship, without mork having to lie about. in fact it might have even hurt more if it was a brutally open dialogue on why he was really willing to sacrifice a big job opportunity because day's right, mork wouldn't have lied if he wasn't blind. im just having a hard time pinning down why he HAD to lie about it when the series has shown ZERO evidence to support this

#last twilight #last twilight the series #i can't edit the last two eps of LT which breaks my heart but work took a drastic turn of events its literally the community gif #so pls have these thoughts instead im so numb #DISCLAIMER: im not being critical this isnt a jab at ANYONE on the LT team. im just having a kneejerk reaction #anyways i have a three hour meeting this afternoon who is gonna hold me after all this is thru huh

[heartslobbf]

the thing about rgu episodes 35&6 is its just like...... everything is veering towards a car crash but more than usual. and everyone is more aware of how car-crashy things are going to get than usual, but its like. no one is like ‘hey what if we didn’t get into a car crash though’, or if they are, they’re expressing that sentiment in the worst way possible (shoutout anthy and touga). you have so many tiny and horrendously fucked up moments in those episodes like juri saying utena ‘looks like a girl now’ and making miki consider whether or not that’s a ‘good’ thing, or utena falling asleep at the table with her earrings as anthy just Watches, or the scene where touga holds a carrot in various initially amusing and then promptly emotionally devastating ways as both he and the audience make a series of crushing realisations neither of us are totally comfortable accepting

its like. throughout all of this acknowledgement of ‘hm. this is bad’ everyone is filled with inaction. we are all trapped in our coffins!!! people are prosing but that’s about it. all of the student council know who end of the world is, and they don’t tell utena. im not blaming them for this because its masterful, compelling writing that serves to elevate the show and its themes, but i am pointing it out because what’s endlessly relevant in utena analysis is recognising when characters make choices that ohtori frames as a natural progression or event that is immutable. anthy and touga voice wow i cant believe at least one person has to die at the end of this duelling game, which we like have to do btw. yeah. what do you mean this is all constructed and therefore can be dismantled. oh my god im going to kill you what the fuck. i dont want to kill you. i dont know how else to get you out of this situation. guess ill try and remove you from the system, thereby proving it is a structure that can be left behind and undermining my fragile worldview ive believed to have kept me ‘safe’ all this time. why are you guys talking about coffins so much omgggggggg shut up shut up shut up

#one day ill write my essay about anthy and touga and their dynamics w nanami and utena. bc it makes me BONKERS #i mean generally one day ill write my anthy and touga essay bc its like. god im so autistic #theres a reason my pinned post is anthy's 'betrayal' theres a reason i have probably watched eps 35&6 the most #theres a reason im obsessed w aou's symbolism ESPECIALLY in the movie manga actually #anyway normal normal normal (lie) (am thinking about birdcages and eggs) #remember in episode 11 when touga was like hey anthy one day im going to own the key to this birdcage that youre in. and its like #touga. touga youre in the birdcage too rn #touga kiryuu will be like if a chick cannot hatch from its egg's shell it will die without being born 10 minutes later me and the coffin <3 #and then u have anthy loml anthy the character of all time..... cannae even make little jokes about her arc bc its like. Oh #have u ever killed something good for u just to be certain ure the reason u can no longer have it.......... #have you ever died and been dying over and over again have you ever been so numb and yet so angry. so bitter. so resenting. #everything the same over and over and over again. and then something changes a bit. wahhhhhhhhhhhh #i PROMMY i am normal about anthy himemiya (i cant think about her without crying) #revolutionary girl utena #rgu #shut up daisy

[tunapesto]

cosplaying is healing me personally (killing my wallet, also)

#mmmmni love having expensive hobbies HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAAJHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHYAA #Tbh for most of my life all i did was draw so like #i get surprised when shit costs stuff #w drawing #esp digital it s kind of like an investment #where u buy one device then after that have fun go crazy #w cosplay it's like . paying up Per character and Per accessory which is Yay #amazing even #and then i picked up cooking #it's consumable so obviously . youd have to buy shit all the time #im just very . i forgot the word. cautious about my money and end up spending it on dumb shit anyway #i am a hoarder at heart #but also deeper inside said heart is just a monkey brain that smiles when yellow color sad when blue color etc #simple minded activities of a person trying to feel something after being numb for a long time #also trying new hobbies because i fear the passion i had for drawing has been spent #i still do it because its what i do best and itd be a waste #but like yeah i kind of hate it sometimes #its cool when it turns out nice then a few hrs later i dont wanna look at it ever againnnnnnnnn #truthfully #i want to restart my brain #maybe itll do better on its 2nd try

[wulfhalls]

.

#i miss my dumbass idiot cat so much i feel like im dyingggggg licherally that is my little baby guy i want my little baby boy back wtf #i cant deal with this shit i genuinely wish i was dead so bad #im having a worse day with it than usual and my usual was this bitch on suicide watch fr #I feel like its really starting to hit me that hes gone. and it kills me what do u mean hes never coming back thats my angel my baby i need #him #all i do is weep wish for death weep weep some more death wish again sometimes im granted complete numbness for up to several hours #i love totally dead inside time its the only time i can look at pictures of him without being 3 seconds away from throwing up #then its back to weeping on the floor. if i cant boop his little tiny nosey in the next 5 minutes im ending it all im not kidding #not to be dramatic but i feel like a part of my soul died with him lol #anyway. i hope i die #also everyone ignore me no one say anything i just needed to type this out #bb baby #txt.me

[spacecrows]

hello fellow 'oh this food isn't supposed to be spicy/tingly/numbing?!?' people!!!

#somehow it never occured to me to stop eating fresh pineapple or celery??????? #(edit: i was informed pineapple is supposed to do that! i'm sorry for doubting you my tingly friend!! unproblematic fave) #i was just happily snacking on some celery #welcoming my old friend the comforting tongue numbness #and suddenly. i was like wait. is this bad????????? #i think its probably fine right???? #dont want to look this up though #so tumblr poll it is #if this poll doesnt reach the tingly mouth community i will take it as a sign to keep eating my celery #i think #also this is really just about mild allergies okay!! im so so sorry to all of you who have severe allergies :( that sucks #but i just assume you guys are not eating the bad foods???? #(i cant have too many tomatoes or oranges otherwise i get bad rashes and i do avoid those #wouldnt count them as a weird mild allergy although its not super severe either #i guess the cut off is really the 'oh i've been eating this all my life i DIDNT KNOW!!!!!!' realization???) #anyways. uhhhhh #poll

[quietwingsinthesky]

once again. lucifer came out of the cage surprisingly well-adjusted. all things considered.

#alternate s5 where he’s freed and is just. barely functional. #doesn’t believe he’s free first of all. isn’t sure what’s real and what’s not. #because how would an angel know that any better than a human who escapes the cage. #but he just. won’t respond to people. won’t communicate. sam and dean ‘capture’ him and he ‘escapes’ only for them to find him curled up in #the corner of bobby’s panic room #because at least its almost familiar. #the world has changed so much since he was last free. so much lost so much destroyed so much moved decayed eroded grown changed. #and its so loud. deafeningly loud. humans spitting off radio signals every which way #and every other angel got the chance to adjust to the growing noise. become numb to it. #but lucifer gets thrust straight from complete silence into the cacophony #anyway. traumatizes him more. #lucifer spn

[ef-1]

legs & lessons in perseverance | march '23

#so. #i fell into the fireplace lol #- thats the concise summary. but ive just been unwell health wise recently. i think ms is just harrowing to deal with #because you can go for so long symptom free and then one day you wake up and everything is wrong #your body feels wrong. #i remember being constantly angry at my body as though its a separate entity. especially when i was like 17/18. #because everytime i had a bad ms relapse i would literally breakdown in angry tears like- at my body. i was good to you. im meditating #im eating healthy. im exercising. ive been good to you. #but then suddenly you cant see or youre shaking uncontrollably or your limbs are numb #or my new favourite one: a couple of weeks ago i woke up at 4 am in a cold sweat. the inside of my thigh was burning #i dont mean like. exercise burning. i mean like struck a hot iron rod burning. it was obv nerve pain but that didnt stave off the panic #so i messaged my neurologist and hes like 'yeah its fine. wanna inject yourself?' #anyway. so recently i was helping my friend get his place houseparty ready and we were cleaning out the fire place #and my legs just gave out 😍 #and i got so angry and humiliated i kind of just wanted to go to bed and not wake up tbh #which is what i usually do but like. i was angry. angry. scorpio angry as lidya would say. so i had a nap in his bed #and when i woke up i felt slightly better and for once i thought 'im not going to let my body ruin this day for me' #and i just dragged him to the markets with me. and i still had the tremors but we bought more greens than either of us needed #and we laughed and walked and he carried me to the car at the end of the trip and it was one of the best days ive had in a long while tbh #and it feels impossible but sometimes all u need is to brush the ash from ur knees and hide the scruffs with stockings &maybe youll be ok #💚 #tw chronic illness #/ multiple sclerosis

[minterim]

just had my dad admit to me that even though he's fully aware of how much his alcoholism hurts me and my mum and brother he refuses to quit drinking outright because he likes it. cool

#im so sick of this shit. cant wait to move out #his current method if youre interested is to only drink wine after dinner. so that hes not pissed drunk at the dinner table #note: he can still drink as much beer as he wants. and still drinks all that wine after dinner anyway. and has a success rate of very bad #this is harm reduction. apparently #AND he has the fucking gall to complain that we dont give him any positive reinforcement when he succeeds!! fuck offfff #i try to be graceful and forgiving. addiction recovery isnt linear. and at least he admits its an addiction now #and he has chronic back pain and childhood trauma and whatnot. but given that he has that back pain because he stormed out in a drunken huf #then shat himself wandered into the shower to clean off and then slipped and broke his ribs. i find it. a little hard. to be sympathetic. #the complete dismissal of the success stories from recovering alcoholics going teetotal as fucking AA propaganda also doesnt help. lol. #but yeah. point is: he values being allowed to drink more than he values us and keeping himself from hurting us #there you have it. in black and white #personal #delete later #apologies for oversharing. needed to get this all out #i gotta get the fuck outta here man. i feel numb to everything #anyhoo. if you read this far kudos. thanks for lookin out or whatever <3

[manchasama]

That was

only mildly terrifying

But also a non issue brain

The scariest thing is the unknown y’know?  But like that quote, do it scared!

#personal opinions ahead #got a filling #i think they're called? #small cavity #but the thing is #the THING IS i have never had one #and no one was doing more than acting like everyone knew what it was like #so i kinda walked in blind going #okay how does this even go?? #am i going to be down in pain tomorrow or??? #anyway its all good dentist is a really good dude #talked through everything and all that #my lips is still numb tho #funkydoodle #i had to make the appt just before my big trip so #i didnt have the energy to spare to figure things out ahead of time #and now i know

[piplupod]

praying i can avoid losing my mind entirely by the time next thursday rolls around because i will talk to ppl outside this house finally on thursday and. i am . feeling the effects of being isolated. pretty hard. like there is mold growing in my brain i swear to fucking god

#i briefly chatted w a very nice nurse on wednesday morning when i got my covid shot but. it hasn't been enough #yknow when u feel like everything u have ever done and thought has been harmful and u are hurting everything just by existing? #yeah. yeah. #so uhm. i will continue to be offline on this account probably. im only rly active on my selfship account lately lmfaooo im not doing well #i think maybe my simple existence is hurting everything and i should probably hurt myself to undo the harm i've caused? #but that doesnt make sense. but it feels right. ack. ack. <- taking psychic damage #its all fun and games when i numb myself away from the current panic attack bc then i can make jokes #but......... uhm. yeah. anyways. im going to ... go now. i think. #i hope u all are doing better than i am fdsjkl #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[frecklystars]

Sorry if this is a really weird question, are there any f/o’s which aren’t a trigger at the moment?

(Once again, I apologize for the weird question.)

You're so sweet to ask! It's okay! That isn't a weird question at all. That's really nice of you to consider my feelings 💛

My answer ended up being longer than I intended so um... here's the answer under the readmore. Ahh sorry for rambling :')

You guys don't have to worry about accidentally triggering me, I promise. ♡ I've blacklisted the characters I needed to blacklist (all TFA characters, TFP Predaking/Predacons, Dreadwing, Breakdown, sometimes Knockout... hopefully those last three won't be blacklisted for a long time but I know they need to be, for now at least. Knockout used to be blacklisted 24/7 but hey! now he's only blacklisted a few days a week! woohoo, progress)

I'm finally at a point right now where I'm NOT at risk of getting panic attacks every time I see a transformers character, though it's still often enough that I have to be careful w/ myself still. Only on my very, very, very bad days, which is probably like... three or four days a week, depending on how I'm feeling. But on those days, I don't come online at all, I don't put myself at risk of seeing anything that could break me, so again, you guys don't need to worry about anything.

It also depends on the context of how I'm seeing the character: is it just random fanart? I might be okay, I might be sad, I might be shaky, but I can handle it if I ground myself after. Is it a commission someone posts of my ex-friend with that character? Well then I am gonna definitely have a panic attack, and if my anxiety was already fucking me up more than usual that day, well then that panic attack is sending me to the hospital, no question about it.

It's been five and a half months since the triggers formed. I'm at a point where I am trying to allow myself to see images that might have potential to trigger me, but at my own pace -- like, if I see Starscream on my dash, I just feel whatever I feel. I sit with that feeling and I let myself acknowledge it, and then I move on. Most of the time, my feelings are just Total Sadness, because I miss him, and I used to always feel like he loved/missed me too, but I don't feel that anymore. So I'm... kind of grieving. I'm mostly grieving when I'm not having anxiety attacks about these characters, I am almost always crying over losing my special interest, this world that is so precious to me. I know it sounds kinda dumb bc it's fictional characters, but self shipping is like 99% of my life, and transformers saved my life at one point. I have nothing else to keep me grounded, to keep me going. Losing that due to a hundred small betrayals from someone who I thought was my best friend, having that ripped away from me and turned into a trigger through a series of traumatic events from someone I trusted... it sucks, it sucks, and I'm grieving. But I used to *only* have panic attacks no matter which character I saw, so this is progress, I think. I think it's a small victory that I've narrowed down my "guaranteed to give a panic attack" characters from all characters, now down to just a few TFP characters (and TFA, a series that I have never even watched, so it's not like I'm heartbroken about that one at all, I literally could not care less about it)

I'll still try to answer your question tho! The ones who feel the "safest" to me right now that I'm the least scared of is probably 2018 Bumblebee and Charlie, and Rid2015 Fixit... wow I guess that's it. even if I feel like they're not going to hurt me most of the time, I still feel... incredible sadness. Like I'm unworthy of their love, like even if I don't believe they'd hurt me, I believe they wouldn't care about me. It's different for every character and it depends on the day, sometimes I look at Starscream and think "oh that guy wants to beat me senseless, and he'll do it because my betrayer told him to" and other times I'll look at him and think "I love him so much. I miss him. But he does not love me anymore, he can't miss me back. I'm not worthy of love anymore, someone I trusted treated me like such shit for so long and made me believe I'm not worth caring about, so it must be true that I'm unlovable to everyone now, including him"

I don't know if I even answered your question. Uhh I guess long story short... there isn't anyone who isn't a trigger because they all have potential to give me a bad reaction on my worst days when my ptsd is so out of control, but if I feel *that* bad then I just stay offline. And on my better days when I can go online and look at these characters, I'm just grieving and crying and feeling all the messy emotions. But that's how I heal. I think. I have to look at them. I *want* to look at them. The more I expose myself to these characters when I'm not talking to my abuser, when I'm not feeling unsafe because my abuser, the more I'm going to remember that these characters have always felt Safe. the more I'm going to remember that they loved me and they never left me, their love is still in my heart somewhere, I've just forgotten how to feel it.

#oh i guess i should mention. ANY character that is NOT a transformer is NOT a trigger #my abuser only affected my transformers F/Os and.. Bowser #ive been grieving a lot over bowser/peach/luigi since the movie came out #and ive wanted to see the movie so bad. but i cant. not yet #im hoping i will before the month ends so i can see the movie in theaters #god its jack black as bowser cmon... i want to see him so bad. anyway #all of my other F/Os who arent transformers aren't triggers at all #anonymous #asks #mister spongebobert rhombusslacks is still my boyfriend. and plankton my evil genius giant brain husband #everyone else is totally fine im just very numb to them bc im so depressed and anxious all the time

[milo-is-rambling]

Any chance you guys could feel proudddd of anyone or anything maybeee *blinks at you with my big beautiful eyes*

#SOMEONE BE PROUD OF ME GAHHHHHH RIPPING MY HAIR OUT I HATE THE HOLIDAYS AND IM SURVIVING AND GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER AND I FEEL INSANE #BUT ALSO NORMAL AT THE SAME TIME ITS LIKE MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE BUT ALSO IM CHILLING #anyways. gonna go to bed. then rewatch the hole epsidoe tomorrow so I can have big feelings and send Levi asks about said big feelings bc #I’ve only seen the epsiode one and a half times while pretty high so I wanna watch it for real (probably watch all of the season straight #thru tomorrow to numb my brain after being so much of a person today ahhh yeah that sounds nice. maybe go in the hot tub if it’s nice #watch Rick and morty season seven. smoke weed I picked up this morning. take a hot shower. maybe paint? eat fruit? pretend it’s cherry seaso

[silouvertongues]

moving day 😵‍💫

#the way things arent even fully packed and the moving truck guys get here in less tham two hours 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁 #THERES TOO MUCH STUFF where did it COME FROMMMM #ive also just ignored 15 alarms i wanted to be up after fajr and get some stuff done and now its 8:30 and im still in bed woooooo #worst case if stuff doesnt all get moved today we can drive back tomorrow and take it in the car but its like a 1hr 30min drive #and just like 5 boxes fit in the car so it kinda feels like a waste lol #ANYWAY 👍🏼 very stressed kinda sad kinda Numb like whats going onnnnnn nothing feels real #h talks

[wulfhalls]

.

#rewatching the chester tribute concert because well its tradition and i love hurting myself #some of the worst moments for me personally even after 5 years: #mike fighting for his life trying to get thru roads unravelled especially the last section #mike harmonising with the clip of chester during new divide knowing itll be the last time #the entirety of numb with the fucking empty mic stand #mike fighting for his life trying to get thru the beginning of leave out all the rest #mike introducing/playing looking for an answer. IS THERE SUNSHINE WHERE U ARE THE WAY THERE WAS WHEN U WHERE HERE #i am in fact not fine! #also listened thru the whole post traumatic album for the first time since it dropped again and like. painpainpainpainnnnnnn #on a lighter note mgk was not horrible on papercut which is surprising to me every time i watch it #oli on crawling was muwah idc what anyone says he did fantastic TO ME #taka crushing somewhere i belong!!!! my best friend taka!!!!! #but this whole thing just showing how good chester truly was cause no one came even close at all #ANYWAYS. just had to type that out lol #linkin park